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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24633706">I've Built My Life Around You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barnable/pseuds/Pippinpaddleopsicopolis'>Pippinpaddleopsicopolis (Barnable)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Awkward Flirting, Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Bisexual Sokka (Avatar), Bisexual Suki, Closeted, Coming Out, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epic Friendship, Eventual Romance, Fire Nation (Avatar), Gay Zuko (Avatar), Hakoda (Avatar) is a Good Parent, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Injury, Internalized Homophobia, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Compliant with Avatar Comics, Panic Attacks, Partially Blind Zuko (Avatar), Partially Deaf Zuko (Avatar), Past Child Abuse, Past Mai/Zuko (Avatar), Past Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Pining, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Sokka (Avatar) Has ADHD, Sokka (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Ideation, Zuko (Avatar) Has a Lisp, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, Zuko's Scar (Avatar), idiots to lovers, no explicit content</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:08:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>78</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>410,808</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24633706</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barnable/pseuds/Pippinpaddleopsicopolis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>With the war long over, the members of Team Avatar have moved on with their lives, adjusting to the new world. Sokka is living out his dream leading the Southern Water Tribe alongside his father, though life as a warrior isn't what he imagined and every day he struggles with the demons that have plagued him since the war. Zuko is in charge of the entire fucking Fire Nation and while he puts on a good face for the people, lives in a state of perpetual loneliness and self-hatred that no amount of repression can repair.</p><p>Teetering on his breaking point and pressured by Katara to take some time off, Sokka decides to go on vacation to Kyoshi Island. Things don't go to plan, however, and he ends up in the Fire Nation; reuniting him with his old friend, the Fire Lord. Though at first he fully intends to stay on schedule and return to the Southern Water Tribe within a week, things change when Sokka realizes that Zuko is on the edge of his own breakdown and desperately needs help. It's not supposed to become more than friendship, but it does.</p><p>And neither of them know what to do about it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aang &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Azula &amp; Sokka (Avatar), Azula &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Hakoda &amp; Sokka (Avatar), Hakoda &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Iroh &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Katara &amp; Sokka (Avatar), Mai &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Sokka &amp; Suki (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Suki/Ty Lee (Minor), Toph Beifong &amp; Sokka, Toph Beifong &amp; Zuko</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3405</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2541</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In terms of self-discovery, some people are much slower on the uptake.</p><p>Sokka had known for pretty much as long as he could remember. Though there weren’t many other boys around his age in the Southern Water Tribe, the ones he did know used to talk about girls a lot. Even as kids, they’d roleplay what they’d do to protect their wives and children, like their fathers did for them. Sokka loved pretending to be a warrior and protecting their imaginary villages, but something about the nuclear family never sat right with him. It was almost as if he, a child no older than seven or eight, was already being pressured to fulfill a role in society he wasn’t sure he wanted to take. Plus, there was the matter of his very pretty classmate, Manu, who made him question from a young age why he was only supposed to marry a woman.</p><p>The most confusing part of growing up with this open mindset was that no one else shared it. In young Sokka’s mind, it made perfect sense to be able to picture a future where he married a man <em>or </em>a woman, but for some reason, it didn’t seem to work that way for other people. They pictured not man and man or woman and woman, but man and woman and man and woman alone. At one point, Sokka heard rumors of a girl who had two mothers living in the tribe, though he was never able to figure out who it was or if the family even existed at all. Apparently, he realized, if you had ‘normal’ parents, then it was fine to talk about them but if you strayed from tradition, it was not. While Sokka didn’t understand it, he didn’t want to go against what he was taught and repressed the part of himself that wanted to keep his heart open to anyone.</p><p>Zuko could have also known from a young age, but growing up with the family he had, he learned to despise and bury that part of himself until the war was over and his father had long since stopped berating him. Looking back, he thought his mother may have known or at least suspected something, given the way she always took him aside to tell him that what his father and grandfather told him about homosexuality was not true and that he was free to be with whoever he wanted, but he didn’t know for sure. What he did know was that of the things the world expected from him before he was banished, one of the most prevalent was that he have a wife, children, and strong bloodline. After his coronation he tried to separate himself from tradition, uncertain whether it was what he genuinely wanted, but found himself pressured again by the same wife, children, and an even stronger bloodline to repair his ancestors’ damages.</p><p>While he recognized there was a part of him he was repressing (many, actually, though that’s a tad beside the point), boys were never really on Zuko’s radar the way they were on Sokka’s. Yes, he found them to be more <em>aesthetically </em>appealing than girls, but that didn’t mean he was attracted to them. It also didn’t mean that he wasn’t, though he didn’t have much time to figure that out when he was busy spending his developmental years being abused by his father and traveling around the world trying to capture the Avatar? As far as he was concerned, there was no reason for him to like anyone other than women, and he probed that when he entered into a relationship with Mai. Yes, it was sudden. Yes, it’s true that he didn’t really know her <em>that </em>well. But they’d known each other since they were children and she had a crush on him their whole lives, so he went out with her and proved to himself that he was entirely heterosexual.</p><p>In terms of acceptance, some places can be slow on the uptake as well.</p><p>Sokka heard stories about the Air Nomads when he was a little boy and what he learned would sometimes make him wish they’d never been massacred (okay, a lot of things made a lot of people with that, but still) and that he’d been born one of them instead. According to everything he’d learned, they were the one nation that didn’t care who you loved. You could be with anyone you wanted, anywhere you wanted, and no one would bat an eye. There was no judgment for being different because you <em>weren’t </em>different. Love was love no matter who you were with and if you and your partner were happy, nobody cared. It wasn’t like the tribe Sokka grew up in, where they claimed it was no big deal and yet asked every non-heterosexual couple to deny their existence to the children.</p><p>Regardless of their cover-ups, no one would ever be disowned for being gay. That was what he was taught in school and that was what he was taught to believe. But the more real-world experience he got, the more he questioned whether that was true. No, he’d never <em>seen </em>anyone be disowned, but it was clear that nobody <em>wanted</em> their kid to be anything other than straight, and they talked so openly about straight couples while acting like gay ones were something to be ashamed of. How could one be an indecent subject and the other nothing to bat an eye at? How could you act like you were perfectly okay with something if you couldn’t even bring yourself to talk about it in the most harmless situations? How could you say it was okay if you feared it so much you made your own child want to hide who he was?</p><p>Zuko, on the other hand, was never bothered by the way LGBT+ individuals were treated in the Fire Nation, mostly because he didn’t see it. His great-grandfather had outlawed homosexuality decades before he was born and that was the world he grew up in. It was wrong, it would not be tolerated, and it was not to be discussed. He didn’t really understand <em>why </em>it was bad and nobody could give him a real answer to that, but he didn’t bother trying to get one unless they were specifically discussing it anyway. After all, it didn’t affect him, it wouldn’t affect him, and unless he saw the law was actively hurting someone, he couldn’t be bothered to think about it. Nobody was in danger to his knowledge, until one night when he heard his parents arguing, his mother trying to convince Ozai to get his father to stop arresting people for doing nothing but falling in love. That was when it hit him that, of all things, people were being arrested for <em>falling in love</em>.</p><p>It was that conversation that caused him to fear the part of him that thought boys were pretty and made him want to repress every feeling he’d ever had towards anyone of his same gender. Yes, boys could sometimes be rather attractive, and he did generally prefer their company and their touch, but that was just a platonic, close-friendship thing. He only dated girls, and he’d dated plenty of girls (okay, like, three), even if they never stuck around for long. <em>Not </em>because he was interested in guys, but because he was weird and awkward and terrible at relationships. It had nothing to do with him being uninterested in women. Because he wasn’t. He only liked women, and if there was even a small part of him that might have had an interest in a boy then he did a damn good job hiding it because neither he nor his Uncle Iroh managed to catch onto what he was repressing.</p><p>And the one thing one thing that was <em>not </em>slow on the uptake was, of course, fear.</p><p>Sokka had one of the best families in the world and there was absolutely no denying that, but when it came to their thoughts on same-sex relationships, they were no different from anyone else in the Water Tribe. Both his dad and Gran-Gran had agreed that it was best left unspoken, and while he couldn’t tell where the feeling came from, Sokka just <em>knew </em>that Hakoda would be disappointed if his son didn’t marry a woman. So, he rationalized, since there was still a fairly good chance that would happen without a problem, he decided it was better not to say anything about his real feelings. Upsetting Gran-Gran would be awful, and hurting his dad was more than he could stomach. He’d seen more disappointment on the man’s face to last a lifetime from just silly mistakes—he could never amplify it with something that significant.</p><p>Then there was the matter of everyone else because of course, parental figures weren’t the only ones who’d be shaken by his revelation. By all accounts, Katara was also a close follower of tradition and was one of the kids who almost immediately began to blush when anything regarding homosexuality was mentioned. All that being true, how was she meant to treat her brother the same if she found out he was into guys himself? And then there were his friends and his future to think about, because he didn’t want his friends to act weird around him or phase him out and he didn’t want his future to be jeopardized that could have him written off as week or a poor soldier. Coming out seemed so simple in theory but there were so many things that could go wrong, he couldn’t even imagine having to face them.</p><p>Zuko, meanwhile, had one of the <em>worst </em>families in the entire history of the universe and in terms of physical safety, was in far more danger than Sokka could ever be. Given that he was directly descended from the man who’d outlawed same-sex relationships in the first place, Zuko was taught from a young age that to engage in any acts of that description would result in a hefty punishment. His mother tried to tell him otherwise, pulling him aside and assuring him that she would never let anything happen to him, but then she vanished and he was all on his own and everything he’d learned about being gay suddenly seemed so much more real and terrifying and he knew above all else <em>that couldn’t be him</em>.</p><p>So, he buried every “wrong” feeling he felt and did whatever he could to be the person the Fire Nation expected him to be. He didn’t like boys and thank god for that because if he did then he would be persecuted and punished and likely give up any claim to the throne over something that seemed so fucking stupid and trivial, and sometimes that made him want to scream and cry and hit something but he didn’t know why because<em> he didn’t like boys</em>. Even if there was a tiny, <em>tiny </em>part of his brain that could possibly maybe feel some semblance of an attraction towards men, he burned it before he could act on those feelings. He bit his lip, clenched his fists, and forced the bad thoughts to spill from his body. He was the <em>prince</em>. He wasn’t that. He <em>couldn’t </em>be that. He could <em>never </em>be that.</p><p>But the funny thing about love is that your heart doesn’t always listen to what your mind wants it to do, and sometimes all it takes is a single person to make you question every part of yourself you’ve tried so hard to change. Somewhere out there, there’s a person for waiting to change all our lives in some way, and Sokka and Zuko were no exception from that fundamental fact of life.</p><p>They just didn’t realize they were waiting on each other.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Sokka, eyes up!”</p><p>He snapped his head to attention, ignoring the strands of stray hair that slid out of his wolftail as he shoved a hand over his forehead to brush away a bead of sweat. He’d been huddled behind a wall of snow and ice, his chest rising and falling with adrenaline, but rose to his feet, blinking back to attention when he heard his dad’s voice. Immediately noticing his opponent on the other side of the training grounds, Sokka grabbed his boomerang and threw it with all his might, taking a well-earned breath as he watched it knock the weapon out of the other man’s hand. He lifted his left hand to catch his boomerang when it returned, stumbling as he ducked back beneath his cover.</p><p>Though his ears were alert and he heard his dad call to him to tell him to “watch his weight”, Sokka didn’t need the reminder and had already mentally scolded himself for the failure several times over. He didn’t want to be that one person who got jealous of children, but he was getting <em>sick </em>of seeing newer recruits do better at him during the tribe’s training exercises. Yes, he had a notable issue weighing him down, but that didn’t give him the right to be worse than the others. He’d had more than enough time to recover and now, more than ever, he was ready to get back to being the warrior he’d always wanted to become.</p><p>Sokka leapt out of his place when he heard the arranged signal, following the plan he’d made for his team. Though he’d been struggling with his combat skills, his leadership abilities were above and beyond. He still found public speaking difficult and wasn’t entirely great at explaining himself, but he was phenomenal on paper and able to get people in line like no one else. Whenever they did these training exercises, everyone wanted Sokka to be the leader on their team, because he always, <em>always </em>won. And even though winning wasn’t the point of it (it was all just for practice, in case something happened, and they had to defend the tribe), it was pretty damn sweet to win every time.</p><p>Despite how popular he was, especially with the newer, less experienced recruits, Sokka was far from his peak and it was easy to tell when he was having a better day. He couldn’t explain what it was, but ever since the end of the war, something had been bothering him and he couldn’t get it to stop. Part of that was the problem with his stance, of course—he was suddenly incapable of evenly distributing his weight and fell over far more than he cared to admit—but it wasn’t just that. His mind was all over the place and he’d tried to talk it out with his dad, to figure out what the problem was, but they were unable to pinpoint an exact cause. He declined an offer to speak with a professional, hoping it would resolve itself, and went on his way.</p><p>He really should have gone to the professional.</p><p>People around him were shouting, yelling, sparring, and Sokka just ran; the other members of the team covering him as planned. With everyone watching his back, Sokka had no problem sliding into the other team’s base and tagging the guarding players, tearing their flag from the top of the fort, and shouting to announce the end of the game. The other team groaned and flopped back into the snow, while the members of Sokka’s team cheered, praising him for managing to take the palace <em>again</em>. There was little chance they’d ever have to hold a siege and take a palace, but it was a fun exercise and if it <em>did </em>come up, they would be well prepared; especially Sokka. Unless the palace was bigger than six feet tall, of course, in which case he didn’t exactly have a default plan he could adjust for.</p><p>Sokka thanked some of his team members after the game, smiling to those who did well and critiquing those who needed more work. Watching from a nearby snowbank were his dad and Bato, who had been leading the exercise as per usual. Sokka technically didn’t have to participate either, since it was mostly practice for the youngest recruits, but he loved the game and while he would never admit to it, he thought he needed the extra training. They weren’t in any immediate danger at the moment nor in the foreseeable future, but if anything did come up, he honestly didn’t know if he would be able to hold his own as well as he could back during the war.</p><p>“That was great as always, Sokka,” said Bato, clapping Sokka on the back as he flopped onto the snow between the two adults, his chest still notably rising and falling as started to relax. “You still need to work on your stance and focus, but I think we’re getting there. Also, I don’t know if it’s another issue with your focus or what, but you need to work on your fidgeting. The way you keep tapping your fingers and shaking your leg when you’re waiting is going to attract attention to you, especially if you’re in an area with a lot of brush.”</p><p>“Yeah, I was going to bring that up too,” Hakoda agreed, nodding along with his friend. His expression was serious during the match but softened in concern after he spoke. “Everything all right, Sokka? You look exhausted. You need to take an hour off?”</p><p>He shook his head, sitting up when he realized he’d gotten his hair covered in snow. He brushed it away quickly, an odd look on his face. “No, I’m fine. I stopped an entire fleet of Fire Nation vessels from committing genocide, Dad. I think I can handle a couple more hours of thirteen-year-olds.”</p><p>“It’s not about <em>what </em>you can handle, it’s about <em>how much </em>you can handle.” He sighed, nodding for Bato to head off and waiting before he was out of earshot before continuing. “You’re a good leader and a hard worker, Sokka, and we all appreciate you more than you could know. But beneath all that, you’re still just a kid, and not just any kid either. You’ve gone through a lot. I know you’re still working through a lot of the things you experienced when you were traveling with the Avatar and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Accepting you have a limit does not make you weak, it helps you grow stronger.”</p><p>“In that case, I’ll let you know if I find mine.” Sokka groaned and flopped back into the snow again, the coldness helping to cool his slightly red cheeks. “What is this even about, Dad? You’re acting like I almost dropped dead out there. Yeah, I tripped a couple times, but it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t mean I need to take time off.”</p><p>“It’s not the game I’m worried about, it’s that you’ve been slipping for weeks. Yes, I’m being an overprotective dad, but you’re not getting enough rest and we all know it. You need to go to bed sooner, or sleep in later, or <em>something</em> that’ll get rid of those bags under your eyes. You’re not even twenty yet, Sokka. You shouldn’t be this tired already.”</p><p>“I’m not tired. I’m a little worn out from the game, yeah, but I’m fine. I’m a leader now, Dad. I don’t get breaks like the recruits. I work hard all day every day and that’s how it is. That’s the life I chose. I know you’re just trying to help, but you’re not just my dad anymore. You asked me to help you lead the tribe and I can’t do that if you don’t treat me as an equal.”</p><p>Sokka was far too bitter in his tone and he recognized that, but his feelings matched too well for him to care. He didn’t need a break. In <em>no </em>world did he need a break. He was working long days and often felt sleepless at night for reasons he couldn’t always explain, but that was nothing compared to what he’d gone through with Aang. He fought some of the most powerful people in the world—hell, he’d helped take down <em>the </em>most powerful person in the world—and none of them managed to push him to his limit, so how was co-leading a tribe meant to be difficult? The only things they were even working on recently were strengthening their walls, expanding here and there, and training for battle in case the time came for them to fight again. None of that was hard in comparison. None of it.</p><p>That said, had he never met Aang, this would have been the most difficult job he could ever do, and while it paled in comparison to other things he’d been through, he somehow thought his other experiences made it worse. The twelve-hour days got long and the sleepless nights—kept awake for hours after hitting the pillow by paranoid thoughts and recurring nightmares of events long since passed—didn’t help. Plus, Sokka was fairly certain his life was finally normal enough for him to get the brunt of that teenage angst people were always talking about because while he’d been fine for a while, he was suddenly perpetually stressed, anxious, and just generally done with the world even when it did nothing inherently wrong.</p><p>Of course, that could also be attributed to the fact that he’d spent several months in a constant state of fearing for his life and never really got over it, but who’s counting?</p><p>Mentally spent but unwilling to let his dad be proven right, Sokka mumbled something about having things to take care of and wandered away from the training grounds and back to the tribe. He ignored his sister’s waves from her class of young waterbending students and kept a stoic face as he passed by the smiling Gran Gran and Pakku outside their home. He wasn’t <em>trying </em>to be rude, but he just wasn’t in the mood to pretend he was the world’s happiest person when all he wanted to do was turn back time and rewrite half the choices he’d made throughout his life up to that point. He didn’t know what he’d done that made it feel like people thought he needed to be protected but he hated it and if he could change just one thing about himself, that would be it.</p><p>Wanting and needing desperately to escape from his thoughts, Sokka buried himself in his work, planning ways to prepare the tribe for the upcoming winter. He’d taken on a lot of responsibility since returning home, and if he let even the smallest doubt creep into his mind, it could be detrimental to all of them. So, he forced the voices in his head to shut up and worked on scrawling down ideas, doing everything he could to make sure they’d stay safe and protected during the coldest and most vulnerable time of the year. He was so focused on his work that he didn’t notice anyone come into the workspace behind him until he suddenly caught sight of a foot in his peripheral vision, which jerked him right out of his thoughts and back into reality.</p><p>“You know he’s just looking out for you, Sokka.”</p><p>He sighed, turning around to look up at the man who was looming over him, his familiar face filled with compassion. “I know, Bato, but I’m not a kid anymore, okay? I’ve grown up a lot and I don’t <em>need</em> people looking out for me anymore. I’m a warrior and a leader just as much as any of you. I can take care of myself.”</p><p>“I know you can and Hakoda does too.” Bato crossed his arms, furrowing his brow as he glanced down to Sokka’s plans before continuing. “I’d argue you’re downplaying yourself trying to say you’re <em>just </em>as much a warrior as the rest of us, but whether you’re even with the best of them or even better than the best of them, you still have a limit and that’s what your dad was talking about. I’m think you already know your limit, since you’ve been skipping training a couple times a week, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel frustrated about this, but a couple extra hours of sleep isn’t going to hurt anyone. An hour off around lunch isn’t going to hurt anyone. We can survive without you for a while.”</p><p><em>But if you can do fine without me then how do I know you need me at all? </em>was the first thought to enter Sokka’s mind but he didn’t dare say it aloud. To be entirely honest, he’d been having a lot of thoughts along those lines recently. Fears that he was inferior, unnecessary, or unwanted; fears that he would never tell anyone about. It started when he was the only non-bender in Team Avatar, and though he should have grown more confident as one of the leaders among numerous men, women, and children, he wasn’t. He was still just as scared of rejection as before and while he liked to blame it on typical teenage anxieties, he knew that wasn’t the real cause. He just had an underlying sense of insecurity that he couldn’t shake, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself he was great or how badass he managed to become.</p><p>“I know, Bato, but I don’t need more rest.” There was that tone again. The one that shoved away the people he loved because of his own damn insecurities. He took a deep breath, clenching his hands into fists as he forced himself to relax. <em>Don’t take out your frustration on them. They’re just trying you help you</em>. “I’ll admit, I missed out on a few hours last night and that’s probably why my eyes look so baggy. But that doesn’t mean I’m suddenly in need of a vacation! It was one night. <em>One</em>. It’s really not a big deal.”</p><p>“Except it’s not one night.” Bato sighed, hesitating before he went on as if he were unsure whether to share the information that was stuck on the tip of his tongue. “Hakoda’s been worried about you for a weeks now, Sokka. He’s only spoken to me about it, but he knows you haven’t been sleeping well and he knows how long the days can get when you’re leading so many people. Just make sure you’re not working yourself too hard, okay? I know parents can seem overbearing sometimes but he’s your dad. It’s his <em>job </em>to look out for you.”</p><p>“I know, okay? I’m not working myself too hard. How deep <em>are </em>these bags that you all keep reaming on me today?” He dragged his hands beneath his eyes, opening them wider and exaggerating how bloodshot they were.</p><p>“Actually, it’s not the bags under your eyes that concerned me, it’s the fact that you’re looking at that map upside down.”</p><p>Sokka did a double take, blinking repeatedly as he whipped around to look at the map spread out on the blanket in front of him. Sure enough, the map was the wrong way around, causing Sokka to stare at it for several seconds in utter confusion as he tried to figure out just how long he’d been studying it without realizing. After concluding that it was approximately ‘I-don’t-want-to-know-how-many’ minutes, he turned back to Bato, trying to look just as cool and collected as he always was[n’t].</p><p>“I was just looking at it from a different angle. You know, for strategic purposes,” he fumbled, hoping he sounded at least somewhat convincing.</p><p>If Bato doubted what Sokka told him, he didn’t show it, probably out of courtesy rather than true belief. “All right, whatever you say. Just go easy on your dad, all right? You know he’s just looking out for you.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know. Thanks, Bato.”</p><p>The older man only smiled before he nodded and turned away, leaving Sokka to spin his map back around and resume work on whatever it was that had fallen out of his brain when all the thoughts he pushed away were so suddenly shoved back in. Honestly? Yes, the last few weeks had been hard. Some days just dragged on and on to the point where Sokka was convinced the sun was messing with him by setting too late and rising too early, but the longer he led the tribe alongside his father, the more he realized that’s just what life as a warrior would be. Work, eat, work, sleep, work some more. It pretty much sucked at the end of the day but when he was hard at work he felt happy and useful and it was everything he’d dreamed of doing since he was a little kid.</p><p>But, as always, there was still one thing hanging over his head that he couldn’t brush away and that was the unfortunate truth that his dad was right. No matter how hard he tried to push it down, to force himself to be stronger and more endurant than anyone else his age, he couldn’t do it. He grew up in war, he helped end the war, and now he spent his every waking moment trying to recover from the war. And you know what he learned from all of that?</p><p>War was fucking exhausting.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Sokka was sitting on the edge of the docks, wrapping a length of cloth around his palm when Katara sat down beside him. She said nothing at first, just watching as he struggled with the scratch along the surface of his hand, wincing and making quiet but classic Sokka remarks to himself as he did so. At a certain point, Sokka started to feel awkward with her just looking at him, but he didn’t say anything about it. He had nothing to say and knowing his sister, she’d come over to do a lot more than just ‘hi’.</p><p>“Are you all right, Sokka?”</p><p>There it was. Thankfully, she wasn’t asking about the bags under his eyes or how he seemed to behave more and more like a moth slug the later it got in the day. No, she was just looking at the blood-lined mark on the inside of his hand, her brow furrowed in concern. It was an awful place to get cut, but it wasn’t like he’d done it intentionally. As that was the case, he just nodded, keeping his focus on the bandages until Katara suddenly reached out and unwrapped them, bending some water onto her hands before placing them around his. Almost instantly the water began to glow, the pain on Sokka’s palm subsiding.</p><p>“Thanks, Katara,” he mumbled, staring out to the glistening water in the distance. “I was helping out the blacksmiths with some weapons and I lost focus. It didn’t turn out so well for my hand, but the good news is, we know the sword is sharp!”</p><p>“You almost cut your hand off and <em>that’s </em>what you’re thinking about?” Katara shook her head, sliding her hands away from Sokka’s as the water’s glow faded, revealing her brother’s palm to be back in excellent shape. “Anyway… were you <em>trying </em>to ignore me and Gran Gran earlier, or were you just so busy that you didn’t have time to acknowledge us?”</p><p>Though her tone was vaguely accusatory, Sokka couldn’t help but breathe out a sigh of relief in response to the words she actually said. He’d almost been expecting yet another lecture about how he was working himself too hard, but Katara was just concerned about herself and Gran Gran. That was no big deal. At least, he thought it wasn’t, until he realized he needed to answer the question without admitting that he was entirely exhausted of having people depending on him every hour of every day for the last however many months. So, instead of coming up with an equally compelling fib, he decided to go the traditional Sokka route and use humor to shut her down.</p><p>“<em>Me</em>? Have time to acknowledge <em>you</em>?” He scoffed jokingly, crossing his arms against his coat. “Katara, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m basically royalty around here now. Not that we have royalty, but I’m remarkably popular with the men and if you think I have time to acknowledge you and Gran Gran every time you want a smile or a wave—!”</p><p>“Okay, number one,” Katara started, “if you’re royalty, then I am too. We're siblings. Number two, it takes like, three seconds to return a smile or a wave. And number three, ‘popular with the men’? If you try this ‘supposedly super busy’ trick on anyone else, you might want to rephrase that. It doesn’t come off the way you’re intending, and I don’t think you want people misunderstanding it.”</p><p>Outwardly, Sokka only rolled his eyes, but inwardly, every ounce of humor he had left after the day’s work all vanished at once. There was that same narrative again. The one he tried so hard to forget existed and yet continued to pop up whenever he least expected it. Katara was probably one of the most traditional in the tribe when it came to those affairs (opposite to her remarkably progressive views on women’s rights), which made it even worse, but it wasn’t like there was anything for them to do about it. Not without exposing himself to the people who mattered the most to him and risk losing everything, including the rest of the Southern Water Tribe and the people who’d come to think so highly of him. And for what? The smallest possibility that the information could become relevant? He had a <em>girlfriend</em>. If anything, it was just pointless to mention. It wasn’t like anything was going to come of it, so why bother everyone with the news?</p><p>“All right, I get your point.” Sokka leaned back on his arms, dangling his legs over the edge of the dock. “I’ll try to be a little bossier next time. What would you prefer I say? They’re my subordinates? My pawns?”</p><p>“I really don’t care as long as you don’t make it sound like they’re all pining after you.” She exhaled softly, staring out at the water for several long seconds before she finally turned back to Sokka, that same pitying expression in her eyes. “Are you okay, Sokka? You look really tired.”</p><p>He nodded for what must have been the forty-seventh time that day. “Yeah, I’m fine. Everyone’s been saying that today. I just didn’t get enough sleep last night, all right? It’s fine, I’m fine, and I don’t need a break, no matter what Dad and Bato try to tell you.”</p><p>“Are you sure? Because maybe it’s different with what you’re doing, but I know that I could use a break, or maybe even some time off. Not that I really <em>need </em>it—I haven’t been running around nearly as much as you have—but still. You won’t even consider it? It’s not like you’d be going anywhere, just resting for a bit. Most people don’t work all day, every day, you know. Even I have a day every week where I just relax and spend time at home with Gran Gran. Rest is important for you.”</p><p>“Yeah, thanks, Mom.” Sokka winced as soon as the words left his mouth, recognizing his mistake before Katara could even react to it. “Sorry, Katara, I’ve been doing that all day. Maybe I am a little tired.”</p><p>Sokka ran a hand over his face, sighing deeply as he gazed back out in the distance. Though he was especially aware of his poor attitude that day, suddenly he couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d been going off at people for. Had he been making what he thought were harmless, impulsive comments like that and hurting the people who were close to him without even knowing it? Was <em>that </em>the real reason they were trying to get him to take more breaks? Because they didn’t want to deal with him anymore? Because, after a few months of following his orders, they realized he wasn’t truly ready to lead them yet?</p><p>“But what would I even do if I <em>did </em>take a break?” asked Sokka suddenly, his mouth moving faster than his mind. “Or a whole vacation, like you said. If I convinced myself to do that, there’s no way I could just sit around and watch while everyone kept on working without me. And it’s not like I can just go somewhere else. What am I going to do, catch a ride on a dolphin piranha?”</p><p>“A dolphin piranha?” Katara made a face, crossing her arms as she turned her torso to look at her brother, her legs still hanging off the end of the dock. “Dozens of animals you could have chosen from and you say <em>dolphin piranha</em>? Do you not remember the story about the kid who got eaten by one of those?”</p><p>“That? That’s almost definitely made up, and besides, they’re really fast! Just because it <em>could</em> eat me doesn’t mean that it actually <em>would</em>. And it’s not like it’s happening anyway. Fast or not, I’d probably swallow a thousand gallons of water before I made it anywhere and then I’d just be a balloon, and there’s no point in traveling if you’re a balloon.”</p><p>“What does that mean?”</p><p>“I don’t even know.” Sokka shrugged, his gaze downcast as he reached back up to push back a stray strand of hair. Loose strands weren’t a regular occurrence for him, so rather than an absent-minded inconvenience, the seemingly normal gesture gave him nothing but an unwanted reminder of how he’d messed it up talking to his dad that morning. “All nonsense aside, you really think I should do this?”</p><p>“Yes, I do.” There it was again; that classic motherly tone that told Sokka his sister was genuinely concerned and only doing what she believed to be in his best interests. “Why don’t you just go to Kyoshi Island for a few days and visit Suki? You haven’t gotten to see her in a while, and I’m sure they’ll let you help out so you can feel useful while still getting to relax and spend time with someone you care about.”</p><p>“That does sound pretty good, but I don’t know. Kyoshi Island is further than you think, and even if I only stayed for a couple days, I’d probably end up being gone for—”</p><p>He stopped talking when Katara placed a hand on his forearm, cutting off his train of thought. “Sokka, it’s fine. There’s still a month left until the winter gets bad and everything is under control here. You’ve already done so much for us. You rebuilt the village, you trained the boys, and above everything else, you helped us end a hundred-year war. You deserve a little time off.”</p><p>“Yeah, I do, don’t I?” All things aside, he had to admit that lounging on the beach with Suki sounded kind of great. Still, the idea of leaving everything he’d worked so hard to earn was far from appealing, and he shook his head before the smile could fully reach his face. “No, I can’t. If something happened and I wasn’t here—”</p><p>“What? We don’t have enemies anymore, Sokka. There’s no immediate threat to the tribe and we’re still weeks out from the harshest weather of the year. If anything, this is the best time to take a vacation because we’ll need you back in a month once everything gets harder with the blizzards. Right now, we’re fine. Dad told me there’s already people who’ve been staying home more just because there’s less for them to do, and since you’re helping him, I know you know that too.”</p><p>“I do, it’s just—”</p><p>“Just what? You’ve already done so much for everyone else; it’s time you take a few days for yourself.”</p><p>“How am I supposed to take a few <em>days </em>for myself when I can’t even get through a whole thought without you cutting me off?” This time, he was fully aware of the bitterness in his tone and he didn’t care. They were siblings. He was allowed to be pissed off with his sibling. He didn’t let his feelings swell for too long, though, as Katara seemed to be at least somewhat remorseful for her bluntness. “Okay, say I do go. What if something happens, and—”</p><p>She still hadn’t learned her lesson. “No, you can’t think about it like that. If you’re always worrying about what might happen, you’ll miss out on what will. You can think about everything when you come back but right now, we’re fine. Just go have fun and loosen up a bit, all right? Everything will be so much more fun if you do. Believe me, I feel a <em>thousand </em>times better after a few days out with Aang.”</p><p>“Okay.” Sokka nodded slowly, that stupid strand of hair popping out from behind his ear again. Once they finished with this little heart-to-heart, he was going to have a <em>serious </em>session with his comb. “But if something goes wrong here and I’m not around to help, then I’m blaming you for making me go. And Dad and Bato but they’re all dad-like and serious and you’re just my little sister so it’s easier to blame you.”</p><p>“‘Just your little sister’?” Suddenly, a stream of freezing cold water flew up and spilled over Sokka’s head, further ruining his hair, and causing his teeth to chatter uncontrollably. Katara only smirked in response to the look on his face. “Remember that next time you start to say something about me.”</p><p>The water dripping down his face wasn’t pleasant, but the familiar banter was and when Katara stood up to return to her duties, Sokka was almost disappointed. Though the conversation got rather annoying at times, it did get him to think, and he realized that maybe he <em>could </em>use a few days off. Not because he needed the rest, but because he missed Suki and a short visit to relax and spend time with her would probably help him make better decisions going forward.</p><p>(Or cause a domino effect that would change his life in ways he could never expect, but that wasn’t a consequence he’d thought to consider.)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Considering he’d been almost entirely surrounded by staff, family, and/or citizens for every waking second since his coronation, it was rather ironic that the first word which came to mind to describe how Zuko was feeling at any given moment was ‘alone’.</p><p>It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the help. No, he appreciated the help more than anything. At times, he found himself at such a loss for what to do and so desperate for answers from someone experienced that he nearly went to his father for help; each time remembering at the last moment that his father had tried to commit literal genocide, and ultimately deciding that whatever he ended up doing had to be better than that. But regardless of how much help they gave him, Zuko didn’t really <em>know</em> anyone who worked with him at the palace and it reached a point where it was almost too much to bear. He had people to talk <em>to</em>, but no one to talk <em>with</em>. People who would listen to whatever he said, but no one he could have a real, personal conversation with.</p><p>To cope with this unending sense of loneliness, Zuko wrote letters to his uncle.<em> A lot</em>. He wrote one every night before he went to bed, just to vent out his feelings and thoughts about whatever happened that day, though he only sent the ones he thought were actually worth Iroh’s time. His uncle always said in his letters that he was welcome to write as often as he wanted, as he loved hearing from his nephew, but Zuko knew how busy he was with the Jasmine Dragon and he didn’t want to waste his uncle’s time with rambles about things that mattered to no one but himself. No matter how much his uncle loved him, there was only so much any one person could take of Zuko’s scrawly handwriting and anxious incoherent, self-deprecating, babbling stream of consciousness. Even he got sick of his angst at a certain point, and he never even reread the words that he wrote.</p><p>Though he was in a somewhat perpetual state of hating his life, his responsibilities, and himself, Zuko did his best not to show it. He was no longer the face of a banished prince, known to none but his family and the people he met on his journeys away from home, he was the face of an entire nation. He was the leader of tens of thousands of people, the first person you thought of when someone mentioned the Fire Nation, and the role model for children everywhere in the lands. (He honestly couldn’t understand how he—the world’s biggest fuck up—was supposed to be a role model, but <em>god </em>there were a lot of kids who told him they looked up to him. Mostly little boys who wanted to be him and little girls who wanted to marry him, though there was probably a kid who’d said everything and anything you could imagine at that point.)</p><p>Still, there was always the occasional person who noticed when he was in a particularly shitty mood and felt the need to butt in where they were not wanted. After shouting at one unsuspecting hairdresser, Zuko had learned to think up innocent excuses, though he was still as uncomfortably awkward as ever and generally failed to respond with anything other than, “I’m just stressed”. Luckily, that <em>did </em>usually do the trick, since he was a glorified child running a literal nation. Sometimes they still asked more questions, however, at which point he whipped out the ‘I’m the Fire Lord and I owe you nothing’ card which shut up anyone who dared to wonder whether he was in a fit enough mental state to govern his people.</p><p>On the other hand, there were a lot of good things about being Fire Lord too. His personal favorite was how much he was learning about different things and how he was able to interact with such diverse groups of people, though he would sometimes confess in his letters that he didn’t always like the things he learned. The most painful discovery of all was that when he struck a point in his early days of rule when he was so stressed and overwhelmed that his hands wouldn’t stop shaking enough for him to do his own hair, and he nearly cut it all off in a fit of rage. Exactly the way Azula must have done when she experienced her own breakdown, only hours before their Agni Kai. It was that day when he finally let go of his pride and allowed the kind hairdresser to resume her duties, realizing that in this case it wasn’t weakness to ask for help, it was respect for the person who’d been hired to do the task.</p><p>All that said, and despite his perpetual loneliness, the only thing Zuko really wanted more of was time to himself. Not at the end of the day, when he wrote his letters to Iroh, but at some point in the middle. A break from all the endless tasks he was working on. Just five minutes to sit down by himself and relax or eat a meal without having to discuss politics throughout it. He tried to find a way to get a break before but found there was really no way to do so. There was so much he had to do, so many people relying on him, that the only time he had to himself was the hour before bed he spent awake instead of asleep. It did result in him being quite tired in the morning, but it wasn’t like it mattered much. Half the nights he was awake with nightmares anyway and if he didn’t get his thoughts out before he went to sleep, it just made them all the worse.</p><p>Zuko wasn’t particularly close with anyone anymore either, and that made the days even harder to get through. He hadn’t seen any of his friends in months, though they did exchange the occasional letter like he did with his uncle. There were a few members of his staff who were kind and willing to listen if he needed to talk to someone—never about anything serious, but just for human contact that didn’t revolve around politics—and that was usually the better part of his day, but it wasn’t fulfilling in the least. He appreciated the smiles and kind words from his stylist, chef, and even the boy who swept the floors, but it wasn’t the same as being around people who loved him. It wasn’t the same as having Uncle Iroh around to talk to, to learn from, to <em>hug</em>. Because, of course, even though he would never, <em>ever </em>admit to it, the thing he wanted most in the world was physical contact from someone who cared for him, which was surprisingly difficult to get.</p><p>Yes, technically, him and Mai were still together. They also continued to break up and reunite on the regular, but that sort of on-again, off-again behavior was just a staple of their relationship at that point. If it could even still be considered a relationship, that is. They rarely touched if they weren’t in front of the people, they never talked to each other like they did with their friends, and neither of them made a real effort to find more time to spend together though their relationship was clearly falling apart. As such, it was perfectly fitting that Zuko felt no particular need to work harder at rekindling the flame, nor any urge or obligation to do so. People drifted apart. It happened. It wasn’t like they were particularly good for each other anyway. While he enjoyed spending time with Mai every so often, Zuko honestly found it taxing to be around her so much, and a large part of him believed she felt the same way. They were both far too negative, and instead of bringing out the best in each other, fueled each other’s worst qualities. At least, that’s what it felt like to Zuko; he couldn’t speak for Mai.</p><p>While Mai was just a dark woman in personality and would likely be that way forever, Zuko found that the more time passed, the more he didn’t <em>want </em>to be as angsty and antisocial as he was. It was just something that built up in him over so many years that he lost who he was as a child. He lost sight of the cheery little boy who just wanted to sit outside and play with the turtle ducks. He lost the smile that used to live on his face when he spent time around his mother. In its place, he was left with nothing but crippling anxiety, a significantly heightened temper, and a dose of self-loathing that was far too strong for his own good. Though he wouldn’t say a word to anyone and rarely even allowed himself to think about it, Zuko had realized several months ago that the only reason he’d yet to intentionally harm himself was not because he’d moved past the urge, but because he was too scared of giving himself more scars. Too terrified of marking his body beyond repair. Theoretically that was a good thing, but you had to have one hell of a fucked-up mind to be able to see it like that, and apparently Zuko did.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko?”</p><p>He shook his head slightly as he blinked back to reality, dragging himself away from his thoughts upon hearing someone say his name. He’d completely forgotten where he was and what he was doing, his face flushing hard when he realized he’d been completely ignoring everyone for the last minute or so. Zuko was standing at the front of the empty courtyard, in the place he’d normally only be when it was filled with people. At the moment there were only four other people aside from him in view: two bodyguards, his advisor, Manzo, and Toda, who was a professional coach that Manzo had brought in to try and help Zuko get over his horrible inability to speak coherently in front of a crowd. It hadn’t been remarkably successful so far, but Manzo insisted they kept trying and Zuko couldn’t exactly refuse given the circumstances, so he just went along with it.</p><p>“Sorry, I was thinking about a meeting I have later,” he lied, shoving down any insecurities he had about himself and the activity they were doing. “Do you want me to read off the sheet again, or…?”</p><p>“No, I’d like to try it without the script this time, please.” Toda crossed his arms against his rather scrawny chest, giving Zuko a look as if he were inspecting every inch of his posture. It was uncomfortable and demeaning, but somehow not the worst training regimen he’d been forced into the last few weeks. “Back straight please, Fire Lord Zuko, and don’t forget to smile. The people want to see that their leader is positive and confident. Don’t show them any of the fear you’re feeling. From the top, please.”</p><p>Zuko took a deep breath before he started, reciting the fake speech they’d prepared for him to practice with. He didn’t quite remember it word for word but that wasn’t the point of the exercise anyway, so he just did his best, taking each comment from Toda in stride. Far too many of them called him out on his stiff posture, uncomfortable expression, and unfocused gaze, but he learned not to take it personally. The man was just doing his job, and that was to point out everything that was wrong with the person meant to be leading his nation. Quite honestly, Zuko felt like Manzo was <em>paying </em>this man to commit treason, but he didn’t say anything about it. He recognized that the issue was bigger than him, and he was taking it all too personally.</p><p>Once Zuko finished his run through the speech, as flubbed as it was, Toda nodded and walked back over to him. He went over more notes about how he needed to really watch his posture, stop looking down to his feet, be more aware of how much he’s shaking at any given moment, and try not to talk too fast or let his voice crack because that was too obviously weak and pathetic and they didn’t want to see their ruler like that. Also, he should try holding his hands behind his back because they were a dead giveaway for how much he was shaking and that especially needed to be hidden from the public at all costs.</p><p>While he understood that the entire thing was supposed to be helping him, Zuko found himself becoming increasingly stressed and anxious by the minute. Part of him wanted to scream at Toda because the entire reason he was shaking right then was because of how deeply he was being dissected but the other part of him knew that if he got rid of the man, then Manzo would just find some other way to ‘fix him’ and he didn’t know how many more methods he could try. Why did he have to hide himself from the public anyway? He was an awkward, depressed, fucked-up mess. The people should know that. Well, maybe not, but he wanted to be honest. Okay, maybe not about that issue in particular, though anything was better than the shit he was being put through to make himself look better.</p><p>“All right, this time we’re going to do it with no critiques,” said Toda, stepping back to his spot near the edge of the platform. “You just go through the motions, do the best you can, and I’ll let you know how you did at the end. That way we’ll know how well you can do without me giving you tips the whole way through.”</p><p>“Do we seriously have to keep doing this?” asked Zuko. He groaned when Manzo nodded, turning back to face the open area in front of him, as if he were speaking to a crowd. His tone was dry at first, but he quickly added phony pep to avoid being called on it at the end. “Citizens of the Fire Nation, I am Fire Lord Zuko, and…”</p><p>Giving a real speech was dull enough but having to give the same fake one over and over had Zuko wanting to dive off a cliff. It took everything in his power to follow the directions that Toda and Manzo had given him, trying his best to correct his behaviors no matter how much he didn’t want to. He recognized above all else that he needed to be a great leader for the sake of the world, and if this was how he had to make it happen, then he wasn’t going to fight against it. He had to do what was best for his people and his nation, not himself. He was almost feeling good about it too, thinking he had a decent run that time, but then, out of nowhere, a hand clapped him on the back and everything happened so fast he couldn’t even register what he was doing until it was already over and he regretted every part of it.</p><p>Manzo hadn’t intended any harm when he came over to give Zuko a clap on the back, applauding him on a job well done, but he made the poor decision to approach Zuko from the left. As such, he didn’t see the man until they were already making contact, at which point Zuko’s heart practically leapt out of his chest and his quick firebending movements to get his attacker the hell away from him were far too instinctive and not at all rational. Manzo was sent flying across the stage by the flames that shot out of Zuko’s fist, slamming onto his back near Toda while Zuko jumped away, his breath caught in his throat as he stared at his poor advisor in silence.</p><p>He knew that he was overreacting and felt awful about what he’d done right away but he couldn’t stop to do anything about it. It wasn’t the first time Zuko had been so startled by such an insignificant thing but he couldn’t see Manzo approaching him and he hadn’t expected the touch and he should have but he didn’t and he couldn’t see his hand and <em>hated </em>people sneaking up on him even unintentionally and he should have known but he couldn't think about that because he hated himself and his chest was tight and it throbbed and his eyes stung and he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe, <em>he can’t fucking breathe—</em></p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko!” He didn’t even know who was talking but it continued to call from him, echoing in his ears as he crashed to his knees, ignoring the pain as they slammed into the hard surface beneath him. “Fire Lord Zuko, are you all right? Can you hear me?”</p><p>Between where he was standing and the pounding in his chest, Zuko could barely hear a word he was saying let alone register them, but he was aware enough to know that the only person he wanted to see was his uncle. There was no one else in the entire world who could help him like that and there was no one else in the entire world who wanted to. But there’s no way he could see Iroh because he was on another fucking continent living his best life in a tea shop and Zuko was just there having a meltdown in front of his poor staff because one of them touched him and that’s not even what it was about but he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t think and all he really wanted was a hug but he would never admit to that because there’s no one there who would want to give him one anyway because yes he was their boss but deep down he was just an asshole and he knew it and because of that there were pretty much only two people in the world who would hug him without a second thought and Iroh was on the other side of it while not even God knew where the hell Aang was. Not that Zuko would have chosen Aang as his first or even second pick for a hug but at least he knew the kid would never reject him.</p><p>“I can’t breathe,” Zuko managed to mumble finally, his already quiet voice stunted by the shaking of his breath. He reached up and tore the topknot from his head, a weight lifted from his shoulders when the pressure finally released, alleviating his growing headache. “<em>Fuck</em>, I can’t breathe.”</p><p>He ignored every attempt the men tried to get through to him, partially because he couldn’t hear well enough to understand what they were saying and partially because he just couldn’t deal with it. There was a small part of him that wanted to and did feel bad about his reaction and how quickly and instinctively he’d kicked his advisor across the platform, but he was too busy trying to get his lungs back in working order for his thoughts to linger in any place of sympathy or regret. His heart was still pounding, his chest was deflated worse than an old balloon, he could feel sweat dripping down his forehead, and he had approximately forty-five seconds to stop shaking before the people next to him decided he was mentally unstable and moved to whoever was legally next in line for the throne. He tried to do the things his uncle always told him when he needed to calm down, but opening his eyes somehow made it worse so he skipped the grounding techniques and went straight to trying to deep breaths, as reluctant as his body was to let him have them.</p><p>Getting overwhelmed over stupid things and overreacting to even smaller ones was not uncommon for Zuko but having to go through it alone was. For three years he’d had his uncle at his side, always there to help him through it even when he claimed he didn’t want him to, but suddenly he was on his own and had no one there to look out for him. He rarely had visitors, and his friends were even less likely to be among them—though Aang generally stopped in around once a month for impersonal matters—which left him with no one to talk to but the paper he wrote his letters on. Sometimes he thought about going to see his Uncle Iroh instead of just writing him letters that he almost never even sent, but he always talked himself out of it. His uncle was living a quiet, peaceful life, and he wouldn’t want Zuko to intrude on him; especially not with a boatload of problems that he didn’t need to be dealing with.</p><p>Zuko clenched his hands into tight fists, fire burning at his fingertips as he tried to get himself to relax, finally freed from the obnoxious sounds of people begging him to say something. He was fine. He was safe. There was nothing happening, nothing to worry about, no one to be afraid of. He didn’t like to be touched unexpectedly, especially on that side of his body, but it was his fault that it happened. It was his fault that he hadn’t been more careful or paid more attention. It was his fault that he alienated people to the point where he had no one to talk to and the only folks who would regularly keep him company were the poor servants that he practically forced to have meals with him. Looking at his work over the last few months, Zuko could confidently say that there was a steep slope upon which his progress went both up and down. The Fire Nation healed along with the rest of the world, but its leader was falling apart at the seams and no matter how hard he tried to get better, his thoughts only seemed to get worse.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko.” This was a woman’s voice and he recognized it, but he didn’t know who it was, and he didn’t want to open his eyes to see. “It’s okay, you’re safe. You’re all right. You need to take deep breaths. Just relax.”</p><p>The attempt was appreciated but the tone was too impersonal, and it just made things worse because it reminded Zuko that all he wanted was his uncle and coincidentally, that was the one thing he couldn’t have. So, instead of being comforted by what were supposed to be calming phrases, Zuko shook harder, doing everything he could to not let his tears fall when he felt them building in his eyes. He was fine. He was safe. Nobody was trying to hurt him; it was just an accident. Manzo didn’t know. He didn’t know and it was Zuko’s fault that he hadn’t told anyone, so it was his fault that it happened, and he needed to stop being such a fucking baby about it and apologize. He needed to say something so his workers would know they were valued but he couldn’t speak because he couldn’t breathe. <em>He couldn’t fucking breathe</em>.</p><p>“I’m very sorry, but I think this is beyond me,” said Toda suddenly, apparently directing his words to Manzo. “I specialize in speech and public appearance, not mental health, which is <em>very </em>clearly the underlying cause for the issues you’re having with his gait. If this is his reaction to such an insignificant thing then I’m sorry, but an occasional crack in his tone is far from what you should be focusing on right now.”</p><p>“I’m <em>fine</em>.” If only thanks to the adrenaline rush he got from listening to the man’s demeaning words, Zuko managed to stand up, barely registering the aging face of Shin, the palace physician, who’d been kneeling in front of him and saying the very unhelpful reassurances. He stumbled as he returned to his arranged starting point but played it off as a fluke. “I’m going to do this again, and you will <em>not </em>approach me until I’ve finished.”</p><p>With no choice but to listen to their leader, the men stepped aside, Shin standing beside them with her eyes slightly narrowed as if she were displeased with Zuko’s sudden recovery. He ignored them and got on with his fake speech, trying his best to please Toda this time. Yes, his hair looked like hell, his face looked like hell, and he stumbled over his words more times than he’d care to admit, but he proved to them that he wasn’t a quitter. Even if he was acutely aware that Toda was right and he didn’t have a problem with public speaking or nerves, just his lifelong inability to articulate sentences with any kind of sophistication. Iroh told him it was just because he was an awkward teenager and that it would go away eventually, but Zuko wasn’t so sure. Ever since he could remember, he’d had a way about him that was just fundamentally incompatible with other human beings, and no amount of effort or coaching had been able to change that (which was why he was so desperate not to lose another person—Manzo would just get find a new hell to torture him with). If none of the overpaid coaches and speech therapists his advisor had hired to help weren’t able to get the awkwardness out of him, nothing would.</p><p>By the time he finished, Zuko felt ready to fall over and resolved to get himself out of there before anyone was able to critique him or ask if he was all right. Toda looked impressed that he’d tried again at all, and that was the only thing he was going for, so he owed them nothing else. After mumbling something about having somewhere else to be, Zuko darted back into the palace, avoiding the looks he got from his staff along the way. He didn’t know where he was going, but each time someone looked at him with concern or pity, he darted down another hall. It was nearly time for dinner at that point, and eventually Zuko realized he should go to the dining room, but there was no one meant to be eating with him that evening and he honestly had no interest in consuming anything other than sleep, so he refused the meal as he passed by the kitchen, requesting the food go to his staff and their families instead.</p><p>Zuko kicked off his shoes as soon as he closed the door to his bedroom, trudging straight over to the desk against the wall near his bed. He grabbed a tie from a pile on the corner of it, dragging his hair back into a sloppy ponytail before placing a sheet of paper in front of him, reaching for something to write with as the thoughts began to flood his head. He knew already that he wouldn’t be able to send this letter—he only even <em>considered </em>it when he was in a good mood and would likely be writing about things that would make Iroh smile and not frown—but he needed to get his thoughts out of his system or face another night of sleepless rest.</p><p>The words flowed out of his hands like a storm, everything built up inside of him from the stress of too many meetings in the morning, too many discussions in the afternoon, and too many people trying to ‘fix him’ in the evening. It still surprised him sometimes how much he managed to bitch about so little, though he’d come to expect it when he was in a particularly poor mood, which he was. He was sick of having to be whatever other people wanted. He was sick of spending hours in rooms with assholes who didn’t think he was fit to be leading a nation. He was sick of freaking out at the slightest unexpected touch when he knew he was safe and protected and there was nothing that anyone could do to him without half a dozen bodyguards running over to detain them.</p><p>When he’d started writing he was filled with rage, still fuming over the fact that people thought he was a thing to be <em>fixed</em>. That they genuinely believed he was just a breathing clump of clay that could be molded into whatever they wanted him to be. But while this rage was prevalent at the start, his one-sided conversations with his uncle always managed to bring him back to the same place. The same state of loneliness he couldn’t cure. The same feelings of emptiness from having been away from his uncle for so long after spending nearly every day with him for three years. Some nights were better than others when he found himself feeling happy at the memories and the idea of seeing him again soon, but others, he simply curled himself into a ball after writing his letter because he felt like he could give up his nation in a heartbeat in exchange for a cup of Iroh’s tea.</p><p>There were a lot of times when Zuko wished he could find an excuse to visit his uncle. There were also a lot of times when he wished he could find a reason to see any of his friends. But he knew that his uncle was living a quiet life and to visit would be to disturb that, while all his friends had moved onto bigger and better adventures and visiting them would just be getting in their way. So, he stayed in place. Lonely, yearning, <em>alone</em>. Besides, if anyone really wanted to see him, they would come visit the Fire Nation themselves. They knew where he was every day, stuck in rooms with old bastards who were stuck even deeper in their own goddamn motherfucking ‘I’ll-burn-your-face-off-next-if-you-bad-mouth-me-one-more-time’ ways. But, regardless of knowing that, they never did. No one ever visited him or even wrote the first letter, and it stung.</p><p>So, while he would never say it—and despite being arguably the most valuable man in the entire nation—deep down, Zuko felt pretty fucking unimportant.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Okay, I know we went over this already, but I’m really starting to think it’s a bad idea.”</p><p>Katara rolled her eyes. “Sokka, it’s a shirt. The world is not going to end because the wind knocked a shirt off a clothesline. You’re fine.”</p><p>“But what if that’s just the start?” asked Sokka, knowing full well how ridiculous he sounded given the situation, but unable to stop himself from babbling. “Right now, it’s just one shirt, but what if you don’t get all the laundry done and then winter comes around and a blizzard blows it all away and we’re clothes-less? And there’s nothing we can do because I wasn’t here to catch it! Or, what if it gets too cold, and instead of drying, all our clothes freezes, and—!”</p><p>“In case you’d forgotten, our clothes <em>always </em>freezes after its washed if we don't get it by the fire in time. That’s why I’m teaching the new kids how to bend the water out of them. I told you about this the last time you brought it up.”</p><p>“Oh, right, I forgot. But anyway, if we’re already grappling with the potential catastrophe of mass nudity—”</p><p>“We’re not.”</p><p>“—then there’s no way I can leave. The stakes are just too high. You can’t afford to lose me right now, no matter how much I might be missing Suki. We’ve already been apart for this long; it’s not going to kill us to be apart for a little longer. But it <em>might </em>kill you guys if I leave because regardless of how many warriors are still around here, you can never be too prepared for… uh… what is it that we’re preparing for right now? Aside from the weather, I mean.”</p><p>“Nothing.” Katara sighed deeply, crossing her arms against her chest. “We’re preparing for nothing, Sokka. Now would you just please relax and get ready for your trip? We’ll be fine, really. I’ve gone to go see Aang probably a dozen times now and everything is always the same when I come back. I know it’s scary to leave for the first time since you’ve taken charge, but you deserve the break. We all do, once in a while. How about you just go pack and if you still don’t want to go in the morning, I’ll send my students to help you put everything away.”</p><p>Sokka lifted a finger, opening his mouth to argue, but ended up dropping his hand back to his side, hanging his head in defeat. Though he wanted to keep going, keep listing reasons why he wouldn’t be able to go, he couldn’t. Because, annoyingly enough, Katara was right. There was almost no chance anything would happen and even if it did, what would it matter whether he was there or not? Sure, he had his occasional bright moments and he’d been doing a good job recently, but looking back at his overall record, he’d been at the center of far more losses than wins. Not to mention the fact that he was still almost incapable of speaking in front of a crowd. If something were to come up, the tribe would probably be better with Hakoda to direct them from the start.</p><p>While he claimed to be the best person to lead the tribe (aside from his dad, obviously) and often talked himself up to others, there was a lot going on in Sokka’s head that contradicted what he said. Most notably his constantly fluctuating levels of self-confidence, which were generally far lower than he cared to admit. He’d been responsible for far too many failures and shortcomings over his life and the more he thought about them, the more afraid he became. The war was over but there were still so many dangers in the world and even a single misstep on his part could mean catastrophe for the entire tribe. Thanks to those stakes, ever since he’d returned to South Pole following the war, Sokka had been living in an awful, recurring cycle of building up his self-confidence only for it to come crashing back down over the stupidest things.</p><p>These stupid things were not always on the same level and the further down the scale they were, the worse they made Sokka feel. He acknowledged that public speaking was not his strong suit and learned not to be too hard on himself if he messed up a line or two in front of a crowd, but that was far from the only ‘thing’ he did and it was uncommon enough for him to be able to forget about it on a good day. The worst, most intrusive things he did were the smallest ones, the stupidest ones, the ones that he was too old and too good to be making, and yet which seemed to occur every day. Being incapable of organizing his workspace; having either tunnel vision or next to no focus at all; fidgeting such an embarrassing amount that his father and Bato called him out on it almost hourly; crashing towards the end of the day and losing the ability to respond in any coherent manner; favoring his left leg so heavily that sometimes, during training, even the newest of recruits could knock him over without trying.</p><p>At least one person brought up those flaws at least once per day and though not a soul was ever harsh about it, sometimes he wished they would be. He clearly wasn’t strong enough to fix the issues on his own and while he knew he could never get anyone in the tribe—except possibly Katara—to willingly shout at him each time he was caught partaking in one of those bad habits, whether knowingly or unknowingly, he often longed that he could. If he were held accountable for his actions, he would be far more likely to stop doing them, and far more likely to notice when he was. Because that was the biggest part of the problem, of course—he rarely managed to realize that he was doing any of those irritating things until someone else pointed them out or they interfered with whatever he was doing.</p><p>That was when it hit him. Maybe taking a week to go visit Suki <em>was </em>a good idea. The Kyoshi warriors were heavily disciplined and if he asked them for help getting over his stupid roadblocks, they would almost definitely oblige and do their best to train it out of him. If nothing else, Suki would be able to help him correct his stance and footwork, so he’d be able to return to the incredible swordsman he once was. When he thought about it that way, it didn’t seem so bad anymore. He wasn’t leaving to go on a vacation, he was leaving to improve his skills, iron out his flaws, and become the best leader he could be. From that perspective, it sounded like a much better plan.</p><p>“You know what? Okay.” Sokka lifted his head, nodding thoughtfully. “I’m going to go visit Suki. But I’ll be back before the winter and I expect everyone to stick to exactly what Dad and I came up with for the next couple weeks. Really though, I think you guys are right. Maybe I do need a few days to clear my head. And I <em>do</em> work really hard; I deserve an afternoon on the beach with my girlfriend.”</p><p>“Yes, you do!” An almost relieved smile settled on Katara’s face as she finished folding Gran Gran’s laundry, likely because she was finally done arguing with him. “So, you’re leaving in the morning then?”</p><p>“Yeah, I think so. The sooner I go, the sooner I can come back, right? I don’t want to be gone for more than a few weeks, tops. Regardless of what you and Dad and Bato think, you need me here for the winter, and I <em>will </em>be back here by then. So, no blizzards until I come back, okay?”</p><p>“I’m pretty sure I can’t control the weather, but I’ll try.”</p><p>It was a silly comment but a good way to end their discussion. Sokka wandered off to finish his work for the day and once that was all completed, packed his things for the trip. He only brought enough supplies for a few days to keep himself from staying longer should he get too comfortable with Suki and by dawn, he was preparing a boat to leave. Hakoda asked multiple times if he wanted someone to go with him, but Sokka refused. They were the ones pushing him to do this and even if he knew they had his best interests at heart, he was determined to do exactly what they said and take a break from <em>everything</em>. The tribe wasn’t just about the place, it was the people, and bringing them along would in turn bring discussions of the exact responsibilities he was trying to get a break from.</p><p>With all that settled, Sokka loaded his things onto the boat, said farewell to his family and friends, and left; glancing back over his shoulder as the tribe watched him go. All feeling aside, he forced himself not to let his thoughts linger there too long, knowing full well that he would be back soon and when he was, everything would be okay. The war was over, the threat of the Fire Nation was no more, and they were in no immediate danger. Plus, that two weeks before all the winter prep hit the fan was the quietest time of the year, so they wouldn’t really need him or even half the other men until then. The plans were made, the safety nets were ready, and everyone knew what to do to have everything prepared. So, as much as Sokka’s mind tried to convince him that all hell would break loose while he was gone, he convinced himself not to listen. He deserved a break, even if he didn’t necessarily want one.</p><p>Though the ride was long, it wasn’t as bad as Sokka was expecting. The waters were calm and after a few hours on his own, he was able to relax and just listen to the waves. No responsibilities, no obligations, just sitting out in the cool ocean air—living, breathing, thriving. In fact, he managed to become so relaxed and peaceful that by the time Kyoshi Island came into view an uncountable amount of hours later, he was almost disappointed. He was excited to see his girlfriend and spend some time lounging on the beach, but he also had to explain what he was doing there which meant reiterating everything that happened and facing the fact that he needed to rebuild himself from the ground up if he had any intention of someday leading the tribe.</p><p>Even considering the fact that he was not the Avatar, nor traveling with the Avatar, arriving on Kyoshi Island was always somewhat of a celebration. They loved visitors there, especially the children, and <em>especially </em>when the visitor was someone they knew, like Sokka. He had to walk a bit to get to Suki’s village but when he arrived, there were already people waiting for him, having heard that a Water Tribe boat docked on the island. The Kyoshi Warriors were front and center of course, and Sokka couldn’t help a smile from bursting onto his face when he saw Suki there, her pale blue eyes wide in surprise. She grinned back at him, though she looked more startled than anything. Sokka didn’t let that deter him, however, throwing his hands into the air and dropping everything he was holding in the process.</p><p>“Suki!”</p><p>He ran over to his girlfriend and flung his arms around her in a tight embrace, the smile never fading from his lips. All doubts he’d had about his trip vanished when he saw her and suddenly he found that all things aside, he was just glad that he came. Glad that, after those endless months of stress, he was finally free to relax and spend time with her. He could do whatever he felt like, work to improve himself for the better, and sit down without anyone bothering him for once in his goddamn life. Suki didn’t seem quite so thrilled, but he let it slide, figuring she was just surprised to see him there.</p><p>“Sokka!” she exclaimed when they finally pulled apart. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Katara thought I needed a vacation,” Sokka admitted, hoping it didn’t sound as lame as it did in his head. “I almost said no but then she suggested I come visit Kyoshi Island, and I thought, what better way to spend a week than here with you? That is, if you’re not too busy right now. I don’t want to distract you or anything, but I was thinking about doing some training while I’m here too because I really need to work on my—”</p><p>Turns out, Katara wasn’t the only one who couldn’t let him finish a thought. “That’s great! I’m so glad you’re here, Sokka. How about we get something to eat and then we can hit the beach and talk about training?”</p><p>It was probably the best suggestion she could have made, as Sokka didn’t realize how hungry he was until she mentioned it. Their meal was nice but oddly quiet, and he found that he was doing most of the talking. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t what he remembered the last time he’d seen his girlfriend and he worried that something about him had changed in a way that Suki no longer liked. He hoped that wasn’t true, though, and did his best to keep his spirits up through the remainder of the meal and their walk down to the beach.</p><p>Of course, it wasn’t exactly prime beach weather given the time of year, but it was only a bit chilly, so they just grabbed some jackets and flopped down on the sand. The breeze as nice, it was preferable to the South Pole in terms of temperature, and most of all, he was just glad to be back with Suki. She seemed happy with him too, though not as touchy as she’d once been and somewhat less affectionate than he’d remembered, but he decided not to ask questions. They’d both grown up a lot since they’d seen each other last, so it was only natural that their dynamic would have changed. As long as they still cared about each other, it didn’t matter. They were happy and that was the important part.</p><p>“So, you said there was something you needed to work on?” said Suki, leaning against Sokka as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Is there anything in particular or do you just want to practice some of the things the girls and I taught you while you’re here?”</p><p>“Well, there’s a few things, actually.” Though Suki was one of the people he trusted most in the world, Sokka was uncomfortable revealing his insecurities and hesitated before he went on. “For one thing, I have some bad habits I’m trying to break, and I was kind of hoping you could call me out on those while I’m here. I don’t want to get into it too much, but you’ll know them when you see them, believe me. What I really wanted to work on is that I, uh, I kind of lost my center of balance. I keep leaning to one side and it’s really tripping me up. Well, actually, it’s just throwing me off a little and it’s the recruits who are tripping me up, which is honestly really embarrassing.”</p><p>Suki chuckled. “Okay, well, since you’re mostly training in the snow, how about we try practicing here? You need to improve your balance and it’ll be easier to do that in the sand than on wood, because your issue is with rough terrain and not solid ground, right?”</p><p>“Right. That’s a great idea, Suki.”</p><p>Except his problem was not the uneven ground that he generally practiced on and he was simply rolling with Suki’s assumption because he was too damn possum chicken to say otherwise. From the sound of it, she’d assumed that he was off balance because he’d traveled for so long he’d forgotten how to hold his stance on his home terrain, which was largely snow and ice, but that wasn’t true. He wanted to tell her the truth about it, so she would know how better to help him through his problem, but something in his mind was holding him back. Something inside of him was too afraid to be perceived as weak or inferior because of something he couldn’t control. So instead he said nothing, hoping that whatever she taught him would help to fix his real problem too.</p><p>They stood up at the same time, both brushing the sand off their legs before they backed a few feet apart, getting down into their stances. Sokka could tell immediately that he favored his left leg again, and from the look on Suki’s face, she did too. She didn’t comment on it right away, however, instead choosing to focus on a part of Sokka’s body that he had not managed to notice and which she seemed almost hesitant to point out.</p><p>“Is that what you meant when you mentioned your bad habits?” she asked, gesturing towards Sokka’s right hand. He looked down, suddenly acutely aware of the fact that he’d been drumming his fingers against his leg quickly and repeatedly. “It’s all right if it is. It’s not even really something to fix. Everyone has a little quirk like that, it’s not a big deal.”</p><p>“It <em>is </em>a big deal,” Sokka argued, hoping his tone didn’t feel as harsh as it felt. He sighed, glancing down to his feet as he retracted his statement. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just that it’s something people point out <em>all the time </em>and I know I’m making a bigger deal out of it than I need to, but just let me know when you see it, all right? And if I do other weird things too. I’m a real leader now, and leaders don’t do that kind of stuff.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Her tone was reluctant, but Sokka didn’t have it in him to care. She was one of the few people he could trust to help him with his problem, and it was only for a couple days, so it wasn’t like he was even asking that much of her. In the long run, it would be a good thing. He would be a better, stronger, more focused leader, and that would vastly improve his ability to lead. He just had to relearn how to stand before he could do that, which was a lot more difficult than he was hoping it would be.</p><p>Suki knocked him over several times without even trying, offering a hand to help him up after each fall. By the eighth or ninth time it happened, tears prickled at the corners of Sokka’s eyes, and it took everything in his power to fight back his frustration. He was better than that. He was a warrior, a leader; he’d helped stopped a century long war. He was strong and trained and he shouldn’t have been falling over but he was, and no amount of practice seemed enough to fix it. Was he probably still struggling because ever since he realized what was wrong he’d walk away as soon as he became frustrated? Yes, probably, but that wasn’t enough to convince himself to keep going. It was too hard to fail over and over when he’d spent so many years as a prodigy at his trade.</p><p>Thankfully, Suki was kind about the whole thing, even when the look on her face changed as she came to realize that he was lying when he agreed that the problem was with the terrain, as it was painfully obvious that it was because of the grossly disproportionate distribution of his weight. She didn’t ask questions about it, likely acknowledging that he didn’t want to discuss it, but changed the way she coached him. She switched from urging him to keep his balance and stay connected to the earth to reminding him that it was okay to put weight on his left foot. That it wasn’t just okay, it was <em>necessary</em>. But every time he tried to do it, to distribute his weight in a way that didn’t cause him to be entirely lopsided, he felt a pang in his foot and his heart started racing, a thousand images flashing through his mind as he shot back onto his right leg, leaning so far to one side that he crashed back to the ground with only one hit.</p><p>The fourth time he was knocked down in that same manner, Sokka rejected Suki’s offer to help him up. He shook his head when she held out her hand, his gaze downcast. Instead of saying anything, he pulled his legs into himself, turning to face the water and staring out at the ocean. Suki opened her mouth, as if to argue that he needed to stand up, but stopped herself. She sat down beside him, crossing her legs as she looked to him with an expression of sympathy and concern that, on anyone else, would have driven him insane. She sighed deeply, not saying anything for several seconds to let Sokka relax, as even he had noticed that his chest was rising and falling much quicker than was natural.</p><p>“You’re going to get better at this,” Suki assured him finally, her tone soft as she placed a hand on his shoulder. “I know it’s hard, but we’ll keep working on it. You can do this.”</p><p>Sokka shook his head again. “It’s hopeless. I’ve already practiced by myself a thousand times back home and I thought if I came here then maybe you could help me figure it out, but it’s not working and it’s not worth it. I’m just wasting your time.”</p><p>“No, you’re not. You could never waste my time, Sokka. You’re one of my best friends. I love spending time with you, no matter what we’re doing. I know you’re frustrated right now but we can try again after you get some rest, okay? You’re tired from the trip. And I know I shouldn’t say anything and honestly I feel bad about it, but you asked me to, so, you’re doing the thing with your hands again.”</p><p>“Mm.” He inhaled a long breath through his nose, gripping onto the sides of his pants to keep himself from moving his fingers. His stance may have been a lost cause, but he still had a chance to fix this stupid habit of his and he would make that happen. “I’m probably just going to sit around until I go home since that’s what my dad and Katara wanted anyway, but thanks for the offer.”</p><p>“Please don’t give up. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You can’t quit because of a little setback.”</p><p>“I’m not quitting, I just don’t want to waste your time.”</p><p>“You’re not wasting my time!” Suki insisted, her tone growing increasingly irritated. “I told you, Sokka. You’re one of my best friends in the world and it’s been <em>months </em>since I’ve seen you. Even though it doesn’t really feel like we’re together anymore, any time I get to spend with you is—”</p><p>“You don’t feel like we’re together anymore?”</p><p>Sokka’s heart dropped into his stomach. He knew they’d been apart for a long time and would even admit to himself that it sometimes felt they’d drifted apart, but they still sent letters to each other often enough for him to feel a connection to her. She was still one of his best friends and… <em>was </em>she more than that? Had they really been apart for so long their feelings started to fade? No. Sokka still felt something for her, even if it wasn’t as strong as it once was, and it had to be the same way for her, right?</p><p>“No!” she said quickly, trying her best to backtrack though her tone said she’d told the truth. “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that our lives are so far apart, and we rarely see each other anymore, even if we do write letters. You mean so much to me, Sokka, but it’s really hard to keep up a relationship from this distance, and we’re both so busy with—”</p><p>“Is there someone else?” asked Sokka, his eyes wide. He knew he shouldn’t ask but the words spilled out before he could stop them. He didn’t have anyone else and for some reason, his big mouth just decided he <em>had </em>to know if she did. But his mind recognized that he didn’t, and he tried his best to take the question back before he made things worse. “Not that I’m accusing you of anything! Definitely not. But there’s no one else for me, and if there’s no one else for you, then maybe we can try to fix this, and—”</p><p>“Sokka, I love you so much and I <em>always </em>will, but there is someone else. And I would love to spend the rest of the week with you and keep exchanging letters as often as you want but unless we could find a way to be together more, I just don’t know how we can make this work. You’re loyal to your tribe and I’m loyal to the Kyoshi Warriors and our lives are so far apart, it just doesn’t seem possible. I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” Sokka swallowed hard, staring straight in front of him and barely registering the hand Suki slid onto his knee. He took a deep breath, thinking long and hard before he said anything in case it risked their friendship. “I just— I don’t know what to do now. Is it weird if I stay? Are you going to make me meet this other guy? I don’t— what do we do?”</p><p>“It’s not weird at all. We’re still friends and we will <em>always</em> be friends. You can stay here as long as you want to and my offer to keep training with you still stands, even if you don’t want to do it anymore.” Truth was, Sokka didn’t want to do it, but it had nothing to do with what they were talking about. “But to be completely honest with you, there’s not another guy.”</p><p>“Then why did you say there’s someone else? Not to be blunt but if you were looking for a way to like, cushion the blow, I might suggest trying a rock next time.”</p><p>“No, it’s…” Suki hesitated, glancing down at the sand to her right before she turned to look at him confidently. “There is someone else, but it’s not a guy. It’s—it’s one of the other Kyoshi Warriors. I never told you before, because I didn’t know what you would think and I didn’t know if it really mattered, but I’m bisexual. I do like boys and I promise you everything we had was so, <em>so </em>real, but I like girls too. I like <em>her</em> too.”</p><p>Sokka froze, his breath catching in his throat. He had no idea what he was supposed to say. He’d never been in that position before and even if he knew someone who had, they wouldn’t admit to it. That was the reason he was so afraid to say anything about himself. That was the reason he’d suppressed his feelings for so many years instead of trying to find the courage to admit to them. And now Suki was here, saying the words he’d always been so scared of. A part of him was screaming at him to say something, that he was bisexual too and give her a hug and let <em>someone </em>know what he’d been hiding for all those years, but he was stuck in his ways and everything he’d learned growing up told him to shut up and say nothing or risk being alienated by everyone he loved. So, instead of saying the obvious, superior words and making everything a thousand times easier on them both, he stuttered and failed to make more than a sound.</p><p>“Oh.” He stayed silent for far too long, his heart pounding in his ears as he tried to find the right thing to say. “That’s great, Suki. Really. I’m happy for you and I’m proud of you and it means a lot that you trust me enough to tell me that. I want you to know that, above all else, this changes nothing for me. Even if we’re not together, I’ll always love you. <em>Always.</em> Nothing could ever change that.”</p><p>“Thanks, Sokka.” Suki smiled, reaching over to wrap him in an embrace. They held onto each other for more than a minute, just relaxing in each other’s arms, until she suddenly pulled away, a slightly awkward expression on her face. “Are you sure you’re okay, though? I mean, that was a really nice thing to say but to be completely honest, it sounded a little rehearsed.”</p><p>Technically, it was rehearsed. Only in his head, and never from that perspective, but Sokka had run through the scenario in a thousand times. In a perfect world, one that existed only in his dreams, that’s what his dad would say if he came out. Minus the romantic implications regarding love and whatnot but everyone tosses in a bit of improv sometimes, right? Though that was true, and he wanted to tell her, Sokka found himself still unable to say the words and simply nodded.</p><p>“Absolutely,” he assured her, reaching out to give her hand a squeeze, “and if I’m not okay, it has nothing to do with your liking girls, I promise. This has just been a seriously eventful afternoon and I think I need some time to get my head around everything.”</p><p>“That’s fine, I’ll leave you alone so you can think things through. Thanks again, Sokka. It really means a lot that you’re okay with this. It’s not a big deal on Kyoshi Island, given that our founder was bisexual herself, but we’re technically still part of the Earth Kingdom where most people aren’t okay with it and it’s… it’s just really nice to have someone respond so positively.” She stood up and started to walk away, but stopped at the edge of the grass, turning back to face him. “Hey, if you change your mind, just stop by when we’re training in the morning and me and the girls will help you out, okay? We’ll figure this out, I promise.”</p><p>Sokka only smiled to show his appreciation. He didn’t know whether he would change his mind on the training, but he did know that he wouldn’t be able to make that decision until morning. There was too much running through his head, and he needed time to process it before he could figure out what to do. Not just about tomorrow, but about everything. If he couldn’t find a way to work through his problems and get himself back in order, worst-case scenario meant that, if he didn't break all his bad habits, he’d have to give up his position at the tribe. He’d have to give up everything he’d ever worked for and, regardless of how terrifying his dreams could sometimes be, no thought was as scary as that.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Though he was generally oblivious to his naturally self-destructive behaviors, there was the occasional time when Zuko recognized that what he was doing was not good for him. When he managed to acknowledge that what he was doing crossed the line from ‘vaguely unhealthy’ or ‘stupid but harmless’ to ‘physically and/or emotionally harmful to himself’ and catch what he was doing before it went too far.</p><p>This was not one of those times.</p><p>It was basically the middle of the night at that point and he should have been asleep, but he wasn’t. He wrote another letter to his uncle and nearly sent it out before remembering that he’d dropped in a passage about the awful thoughts he’d had about himself during one of the meetings that morning and tossed it into the drawer with the rest of the letters he would never send because he <em>couldn’t </em>send them but he needed to write them because he couldn’t talk to anyone in person and he didn’t know what else to do anymore. It was one in the morning, he couldn’t sleep, and for some reason his head was pounding and his stomach churned but he was too oblivious to realize that every single emotion he was feeling was just a domino made to fall by the first three in the row which were, of course, that he’d skipped breakfast, lunch, <em>and </em>dinner.</p><p>Should he have been confronted about this fact, Zuko did have some legitimate excuses laid out in his defense. He’d overslept and missed the opportunity to have breakfast, was so nervous for a meeting in the afternoon that he thought it better to reject lunch than to spew it on his visitors, and by the end of the day he was so completely fucking done that he couldn’t stand the thought of interacting with even his servers so he retired straight to his bedchamber without a word to anyone. He didn’t have the energy to do much of anything anymore. He’d barely left the palace and weeks and even when he did, he was just talking to citizens and reporters and wearing himself out even further.</p><p>Sometimes he wondered how long it would be until those reporters all began to broadcast the fact that he was falling apart at the seams.</p><p>Zuko didn’t really keep up with the news—he had a person who did that for him to protect his image, and another person who gave him the real facts about significant events—but he knew that nothing had gotten out yet about him being an awkward, anxious mess because his uncle hadn’t sent him anything about it and, more importantly, he hadn’t come to visit. As much as he hated the fact, Zuko knew if word got out that he was losing his fucking mind, Uncle Iroh would be there in a second to make sure he was okay. And, honestly, though he would never say anything to anyone about his horrible thoughts, Zuko sometimes wished that the truth would leak just so he could have his uncle at his side for a while.</p><p>Though he was not quite in a conscious enough state of mind to acknowledge the fact that he was being extremely self-destructive and setting himself up for a literal disaster the following morning, there was a small voice in the back of Zuko’s head that tried to convince him to go to sleep. He needed to get off the bench, climb into bed, and go to sleep. He was already halfway there, having changed into his sleepwear and let his hair fall loose for the first time in fourteen hours, but he couldn’t take the last step. He needed to get into bed and lie down and let himself get at least a few hours of sleep but instead he just kept staring out the window, his eyes glazed over and his mind both empty and filled with an incomprehensible amount of thoughts. He clutched onto a throw pillow, his fingers turning white from how hard he was gripping the fabric. He’d heard it tear once or twice and was fairly certain he’d burned a few holes in it too, but he didn’t care. It was ugly anyway.</p><p>It was one of those nights when he couldn’t explain why he was in such an awful mood. He genuinely had no idea what made him feel so shitty, despite what he’d done—or rather, hadn’t done—and chalked it up to a mix of exhaustion and stress. He was extremely young to be dealing with so much responsibility, after all, and to do it without anyone who loved him there to support him sometimes made it feel as if he were suffocating. Not that he could do anything about it. He oversaw an entire nation and no matter how much his own mental health was suffering, the people came first. The nation came first. The <em>world </em>came first. But there was no reason he couldn’t believe those things and also be trapped in his own personal hell so he allowed himself a few minutes to suffer every night, usually as he poured out his heart and soul onto pages that no one else would ever read.</p><p>That night, however, minutes turned into hours and before he knew what was happening, the sun had already risen, and someone was knocking on his door to wake him up. Zuko’s eyes went wide and he whipped around to look at the door in a haze, realizing he’d never actually managed to make it to bed, and for no good reason. He’d absolutely fucked himself for the entire day and probably the rest of the week and there was nothing he could do about it. He nearly said something, told the person at the door to get lost because he was fucking exhausted and needed a few hours to himself, but he knew that wasn’t possible and stayed silent instead—making himself look at least halfway presentable before he opened the door, following the woman out into the hall and down to the stupid room he got ready in every morning.</p><p>If there was one thing Zuko absolutely despised about being royalty, it was how many people could have their hands on him at any given time.</p><p>It was a bullshit routine he’d had to put up with since he was a child and ever since he could remember, he just wanted it to stop. He didn’t like people touching his face, he didn’t like people touching his neck, he didn’t like people touching his hair, and <em>especially </em>since he’d come back from his banishment, he didn’t like people touching his scar. But, regardless of what he did or didn’t like, he’d proven time and again that he was incapable of making himself presentable on his own, so he had to put himself in the hands of however many callus-covered servants were assigned to invade in his personal space each morning. Some days were terrible and he only barely managed to make it through it all without panicking or feeling as if he needed to run away and just get the hell out of the whole goddamned world he was living in, while others were better and the small talk from the nicer servants managed to make it a little less painful.</p><p>But, keeping in pattern with the last twenty-four hours, this was not one of those times.</p><p>Zuko could see his hands on the arms of the chair he was sitting in and he could see that his fingers were shaking too much. He tried to relax, or at least mask it by gripping onto the chair, but that just turned his knuckles white and caused him to look like he was insane so he pulled away, not wanting to startle the innocent people who were just doing their jobs. They dragged their hands through his hair and across his face and it wasn’t the worst thing in the world because he could see their hands in the mirror in front of him (which he’d demanded be put up when he finally agreed to do this shit routine again), but their fingers stung on his face like a mild burn and more than anything he wanted to get up and just walk away. No one said a word about how uncomfortable he looked, likely being used to it, until one of the older women whom he’d known since he was a child suddenly spoke up, her tone quieter as she dragged a comb through his hair.</p><p>“Is everything all right, Fire Lord Zuko?” she asked him.</p><p>“Yes, thank you.” Zuko nodded but he was still shaking like it was the end of the world and nothing he did would stop it. He slid his right hand onto his other arm, carefully placing his fingers around his wrist. He wasn’t going to do anything. He <em>wouldn’t </em>do anything. But in this position he had the ability to and for some reason, that gave him comfort. “I didn’t sleep well last night. It’s not a big deal.”</p><p>The woman only smiled kindly, acknowledging that he didn’t want to discuss the matter further, but Zuko couldn’t tell whether she believed him or was just going along with it because he was the Fire Lord and it was her job to agree with whatever he said. Either way, he felt slightly more comfortable with the situation knowing she cared enough to ask, until she reached forward to take the hair from the left side of his face and even though he could see her clearly in the mirror and she knew not to touch his scar, his heart began to pound faster than he could’ve imagined. This time he didn’t react by taking it out on the poor woman, but he still had an unconscious reaction that cost him the ability to breathe from fear of what he’d done. Because he hadn’t hurt someone else this time which was definitely the worse of two evils, but he had hurt someone and the adrenaline from the shock of it was coursing through his veins and it took everything in his power to not panic because <em>fuck </em>he’d hurt himself and he thought about it <em>so many times </em>and he managed to resist and yes it was an accident but it still happened and he didn’t know what to do.</p><p>He didn’t look at the damage until his hair was securely in a topknot and the women left, leaving him on his own to finish dressing (technically he had someone else to help him with that too, but he’d dismissed the man to another position, citing that he was, in fact, capable of putting on pants by himself). He slid his thumb away from the inside of his palm first, wincing and returning it to its place when he saw the awful pink and white mark on his skin. It didn’t look bad enough to scar, thank god, but there were five of those dots around his forearm from each fingertip, which meant he’d have to be cautious of his sleeves or risk someone noticing it. If his borderline insane mannerisms and exhausted expressions weren’t enough to get his spiraling state into the news, a bunch of self-inflicted wounds on his arm were sure to make it happen.</p><p>Though all he wanted to do was go back into his room, cull into a ball, and bury his face in pillows, Zuko had a world of responsibilities to tend to and knew that wouldn’t be possible. He needed to be in a meeting soon and then he had a thing with the council, and he knew he had something or other in the evening but he couldn’t remember what it was, just that a lot of people were coming and he had to be there. Possibly a dinner of some kind? God, he hoped he wouldn’t be expected to eat anything. He doubted he could stomach it after what he’d done. Not that it was a particularly good idea to go a second day without eating but his stomach was churning already and looking at the fingerprints left on his wrist just made it worse, so he took a deep breath and slid on his robes to cover them. He held his head high as he strode out of the room. Nobody had to know what happened. Nobody had to know that he wasn’t fine.</p><p>In a pleasant turn of events, Zuko’s first meeting of the day ended up being one he was quite looking forward to. It was his idea to set up this particular discussion as he knew that his father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and probably a lot of other assholes in his bloodline had all passed laws and orders that displeased him and oppressed the people, so he wanted to find out exactly what was punishable under the law and take care of things that, to him, felt unconstitutional. Of course, most of it would probably be rather dull and he fully expected to have a lot of arguments with old, set-in-their-ways men, but at the end of the day, the Fire Nation would be a better place for everyone. Laws would be repealed that should never have been put in place, bans would be lifted allowing people to continue with harmless fun, and everyone would like their Fire Lord more in spite of his chronic awkwardness because he fixed the horrible problems his family had created.</p><p>There was just one issue with his plan and that was that it was not exactly easy to make difficult decisions when you’d gotten exactly zero minutes of sleep the night before and were teetering on the edge of total malnourishment. It hadn’t occurred to him until he was sitting at the table, listening to old guys drone on about what laws were absolutely untouchable (most were reasonable and should stay in place, Zuko agreed) but he was suddenly so tired and lightheaded that he could barely even hold his head up to look to those who were speaking. At one point he nearly drifted off completely, only being dragged back into the conversation when someone said his name several times in increasing volume, trying to get Zuko’s opinion on something he had to ask them to repeat multiple times.</p><p>“Is everything all right, Fire Lord Zuko?” asked one of the men at the table, though Zuko’s vision was so blurry at that point he could barely tell who. He nodded in response to the impersonal words, dragging his hands over his eyes as he tried to wake himself up. “I apologize if I’m overstepping my boundaries, but you look rather pale and disoriented, sir. Do you need a minute before we continue? Perhaps a glass of water?”</p><p>“No, I’m fine.” Zuko was definitively not fine, given the fact that the world was spinning around him, he couldn’t see anything better than a blur, and he felt like he was going to throw up despite not eating so much as a bite in nearly forty-eight hours, but he couldn’t admit to that. He was on thin ice as it was and if the wrong person were to realize that he—or rather, the Fire Lord—was vulnerable, it could put the entire nation at risk. “Let’s just keep going, please.”</p><p>“Okay.” The man who’d spoken before seemed hesitant but continued to rattle off lists. “The next law on the list is one banning same-sex relationships which Fire Lord Sozin passed during his first year of reign to promote the conception of more potential soldiers. At this point we do possess a rather strong military and there are no signs of incoming danger, so that puts this up in the air. Thoughts, anyone?”</p><p>Zuko held up a hand before anyone could say a word. “Sorry if this messes with the schedule, but can we wait on that one? Most of these are cut and dry but that’s going to take a lot of thought and negotiation. After a hundred years of it being in place, I don’t even know what the people want anymore, and I don’t want to make a decision blind.”</p><p>“As you wish, Fire Lord Zuko.”</p><p>That wasn’t the real reason Zuko wanted to wait to tackle the law but he wasn’t about to admit to a room full of old geezers (who were probably rather homophobic themselves given who they worked for before him) that he was having an internal dilemma over what to do about it because he thought it was okay and he <em>knew </em>it was okay but he was raised in this fucked up nation and everything he learned as a kid told him it wasn’t right. Plus, he despised the entire concept of marriage and dealing with all <em>that </em>drama was not within his mental capabilities right then. Not much was, though, which was why he pretty much just sat there and watched as the people around him made decisions about what to do. They were all competent enough and generally made good calls, but he made sure to speak up when they got close to a bad one. Otherwise, he simply drifted in and out of consciousness, facing the aftermath of not sleeping the night before.</p><p>It was around the third or fourth hour of the assembly when Zuko started to feel particularly lightheaded and had to completely close his eyes to suppress the queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. He grit his teeth, one hand holding his head near his scarred eye and the other gripping onto the edge of the table tightly. All he wanted was to focus and work and make his nation a better place, but he felt sick like never before and the world was spinning around him no matter how hard he tried to calm it. He could hear people talking beside him, their tones filled with concern, but he couldn’t understand a word they said. The people to his left were still the worst but for once those on his right were almost equally drowned out by the fuzz and ringing in his ears and he buried his head in his hands, trying desperately to get a grip.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko?”</p><p>Someone gripped his shoulder, but he couldn’t see who and that somehow made it worse. He shifted away, his breathing picking up as he accepted that he was completely out of control of his body. His wrist burned where he hurt himself, his stomach churned like the flu, and the world around him was moving so fast he thought he might fall over if he even tried to lift his head. He blinked his eyes open for just long enough to acknowledge that the person at his side was the palace physician but he couldn’t breathe well enough to say anything and he couldn’t keep his eyes open without feeling like he could pass out. He could hear her saying his name, asking questions—”Does anyone know the last time he ate? Did he sleep at all last night?”—but he could barely even register the words, let alone formulate a response to them.</p><p>Before he knew it, someone was taking hold of his arm and draping it around their shoulder. Thankfully, he was too out of it to resist and did nothing to harm the person who was only trying to help him. The real problem was that standing up was far too big a step and the moment they lifted him to his feet, the spinning took over everything and his breath caught in his throat as his knees buckled beneath him.</p><p>He was awake just long enough to feel someone catch him before everything went black.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Zuko didn’t know exactly how long he was out for but when he opened his eyes, it was the opposite time of day. The sun had barely finished rising when he passed out and now it was nearly out of sight. Whether it was still the same day, well, that was up for debate and Zuko wasn’t sure whether he wanted to know the answer. It wasn’t like he had much of a choice anyway, as his vision was still blurry with sleep and he couldn’t even tell who was walking around in his room until he heard her voice speak near the door.</p><p>“He’s awake,” said Mai, her tone dry as ever.</p><p>Next thing he knew, the palace physician was on top of him again, lifting his arm to check his pulse and frowning when she saw the spot on his forearm. In response, he simply gave her a look which he hoped said, “I’m the Fire Lord and if you question me I will fire you.” It was a bit harsh, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk, especially when she started prodding him with questions about basic self-care such as eating and sleeping, which she’d apparently been told he wasn’t doing. After he failed to respond several times, Shin sighed deeply.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko,” she started, her tone exasperated, “I know you’re tired, but this is very important. I need to make sure you’re not seriously ill. Please tell me, when was the last time you ate?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Zuko mumbled. “Is it still the same day? It was like, two or three days before I passed out. I don’t remember.”</p><p>“And slept?”</p><p>“Not at all the night before it happened. You didn’t correct me on that. What day is it? How long was I out for?”</p><p>“Two days,” answered Mai, who was lounging on the bench beside the window. Shin shot her a look, to which Mai only shrugged. “What? He was going to find out anyway. Might as well let him get his panic out now. Upset about all the boring meetings you missed while you were out?”</p><p>“I was working on important stuff,” he groaned, throwing his hands over his face. Yes, it <em>was </em>his fault that he’d missed everything since he was the one who’d been stupid enough to completely ignore his body’s needs in favor of slowly killing himself, but still. He had a lot of things to do, including a meeting with a children’s charity the day before which he’d apparently slept through. “Can I get up now? I need to find out what I missed.”</p><p>“You can go eat something but that’s pretty much the extent of it for today,” Shin told him firmly. “After that, you need—”</p><p>“Go, please.” Mai waved a hand dismissively, gesturing for the older woman to leave. The physician gave her a look, but Mai only rolled her eyes. “I’ll tell him, you old crone. He’s been out for two days; he doesn’t need to hear it from you. Now, go.”</p><p>Zuko almost felt bad for the woman as she packed her things and strode out of the room, but he didn’t have it in him to experience any real empathy. Instead, he just sat there in silence until she was gone, letting out a deep breath of air as he pushed himself into a seated position. Mai was still in her place by the window, staring at him as if she needed to say something, but didn’t. Unable to wait for her to initiate the conversation, Zuko spoke first, his tone flat.</p><p>“What are you doing here, Mai?”</p><p>“We were supposed to have a date night,” she explained, her voice somehow even more bland than his. “You didn’t show up, so I came here to yell at you and they told me you’ve been out of it for fifty-something hours. I’d ask if you want to reschedule, but I guess you don’t really eat anymore, do you?”</p><p>“Thanks for that.” Zuko crossed his arms, turning his gaze to the other side of the room. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to look at her, but he couldn’t find the energy to make or maintain eye contact. “Why are you still here? You should have gone home.”</p><p>“Because we need to talk.”</p><p>“About what?”</p><p>Mai sighed deeply. “I’m leaving you, Zuko. We’re done.”</p><p>Though they’d broken up a hundred times before, something about her tone was different and Zuko couldn’t help but think it was more <em>real</em>. As such, he thought disappointment or sadness should have been the first emotion he felt upon hearing that his on-again, off-again girlfriend of two years or so was really leaving him, but all he truly felt was relief. He didn’t know what brought this on or whether it <em>was </em>real this time, though he had a feeling it was centered around something he’d been oblivious to. That <em>was </em>usually the case, after all, since no matter how hard he tried to act as a functioning human being, something always came along to remind him that he did not and could not understand people.</p><p>“Why?” asked Zuko, turning his gaze back to her, his brow furrowed. “What did I do this time?”</p><p>“You stopped taking care of yourself, you idiot.” Mai shifted in her seat, turning to better catch his gaze. She seemed more emotional than usual, somehow, and he knew that meant their conversation was going places they rarely ever touched. “I care about you, Zuko, and I can’t watch you do this to yourself. I’ve thought about it a lot recently and I tried to find a way we could make this work but honestly? I talked it out with Ty Lee, and we’re just not good for each other. We’re supposed to be with people who make us happy, but all you and I do is fuel each other’s depressive auras. That’s what Ty Lee told me, at least.”</p><p>“So, you’re breaking up with me because of our <em>auras</em>?” He made a face, blinking twice before he went on. “Weirdly enough that… kind of makes sense. In an really strange, only-Ty-Lee-could-have-thought-of-this way.”</p><p>Mai nodded. “We’re good, then? You’re not going to have assassins sent after me or anything?”</p><p>“No, you’re right. It’s not like we’ve been spending much time together anyway. But I want you to know that I still hate you a lot less than I hate most of the people around here, so if you ever want to do something—”</p><p>“I’ll let you know.”</p><p>She stood up, and Zuko noticed she had a smile in her eyes though the rest of her face remained stoic. Mai walked over to the door and placed one hand on the doorknob but stopped and turned around, as if she’d forgotten something else she was supposed to say. Zuko didn’t pressure her to speak this time, waiting to hear what she had to say before he let himself over-think it like always.</p><p>“Oh, and by the way,” she started, “Miss Perky Nurse wanted me to let you know you’re unofficially banned from your duties for at least a week and more likely two, so. You should probably talk to your politicians about that.”</p><p>Zuko’s jaw dropped, his mind racing but not fast enough to ask any questions before Mai slid out the door, leaving him on his own to process everything that happened. Suddenly, the fact that he’d been out cold for two days didn’t seem like a big deal anymore. Not only he was single again—which didn’t bother him to a point where it almost did—but he was banned from doing his <em>job</em>? Was that even possible? It couldn’t be. He was the Fire Lord, he was in charge of the entire nation, and that included the people who were apparently trying to make his citizens lose faith in him. He was already on the brink and just looking at his face you could tell that, and now they were seriously trying to push the message that he was useless? It wasn’t exactly the way to lead countless people.</p><p>As he was already in an inherently weaker position due to his age and inexperience, Zuko elected to ignore what his physician wanted. He wasn’t in a position to take time off, especially not now. He was already terrified that someone might pick up on the fact that he was cracking under the pressure and broadcast to the entire world that he wasn’t fit to be Fire Lord, even though his problems were nothing to do with his ability as a leader and everything to do with his inability to perform basic human tasks such as staying calm, self-care, and worst of all, socializing. Of course, admitting that he had a problem with those things was not exactly high on his list of things to do, which left him with no option other than to cover it up.</p><p>Before Zuko could delve any deeper into his thoughts, a knock on the door startled him and he slid out of bed to answer it. His legs felt like jelly, likely due to how long he’d been lying down for, but he managed to make it to the door without falling over. He just hoped he didn’t look as awful as he felt, though it wasn’t that important considering there was a low chance that whoever was on the other side of the door would truly care. Still, he couldn’t be too careful, and only opened the door enough to poke his head and torso out. Thankfully, standing in front of him was not a threatening figure, but a simple servant dressed in uniform.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko.” The man bowed respectfully, to which Zuko nodded in response. “I’ve brought you something to eat, at the request of your physician.”</p><p>“Oh. No, that’s—” He caught himself, briefly closing his eyes as he took a deep breath, opening the door for the worker despite what he’d initially wanted to say. “Thank you, I appreciate it.”</p><p>Zuko watched silently as the servant laid a tray of food on the table beside his bed, along with a cup of water. He said nothing, just nodding thankfully and bowing his thanks before the man left. He was profoundly grateful for all the work they put in for him, he just couldn’t convince himself he truly <em>deserved </em>their effort. Maybe he didn’t. After all, they weren’t really doing it for him, Zuko, they were doing it for their leader, the Fire Lord.</p><p>He forced himself to have a few bites of food once he was alone, though he didn’t manage to finish the meal. The whole self-care thing might have seemed simple from his physician’s perspective but for Zuko, it was going to take a <em>lot </em>of getting used to.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was around the fourth or fifth time that Sokka crashed onto the floor of the Kyoshi Warriors’ training room when he realized something was wrong.</p><p>Whenever he’d practiced with the women in the past, he’d been the brunt of endless jokes. It wasn’t a bad thing, and in fact he kind of liked it because they weren’t mean jokes, just friendly teasing. Given that history, each time he fell or made a simple mistake, Sokka expected someone to make a joke about it or his ridiculous form, but they didn’t. If anything, when he tripped or messed up, they looked to him with expressions of pity, one or two always moving to offer him a hand. Though he could have said something about it, he chose not to, knowing deep down they were only doing it in his best interests.</p><p>He sparred against Suki after his most recent fall, and she asked they take it slower than usual. Sokka nearly argued, knowing she was doing it for his benefit and not her own, but eventually agreed. It felt ridiculous doing something he’d done a thousand times at such a slow speed, but he was having an easier time controlling his balance and was more relaxed than he had been during training for weeks. It wasn’t a true fight, just going through the motions while Suki adjusted his stance and the other warriors reminded him to keep his focus at its peak, and it was one of the best training sessions he’d had in ages. He was skilled, free, doing better than he’d done since the war and for a few minutes, he even convinced himself everything would be okay.</p><p>But then Suki took him by surprise and he jumped to the left without thinking about it, shifting his weight in a way that he hadn’t done in too long. He felt the full force of his weight landing on his left leg and suddenly, a sharp pain shot through the center of his foot, all the way up through the muscles in his thigh. The world around him faded away, his chest shrinking tighter as the calm training room around him ceased to exist; replaced by the sounds of exploding airships, earthquakes in the distance, and quiet, painful tears. His leg throbbed, his arm was exhausted and numb, his head was pounding, and he knew that someone was speaking to him, but he couldn’t tell who it was. All he could hear was screaming, scraping metal, and splashing in the water that was nowhere around.</p><p>“Sokka.”</p><p>It sounded like Suki, but he couldn’t know for sure and even if it was her voice he had to be hallucinating because she was gone. They lost her and there was almost no chance they could get her back. Sokka swallowed hard. He couldn’t think straight. The sounds were too loud. The <em>pain </em>was too loud. <em>Everything was too loud. </em>He tried desperately to breathe, to calm himself down so that he could focus and find a way out of the hell they’d ended up in, but he couldn’t. His chest burned, his eyes stung with tears, and his leg throbbed from the impact. It was over. They were all going to die and there was nothing he could do about it.</p><p>“Sokka, it’s okay. You’re safe. <em>Sokka</em>.”</p><p>Though he knew he should say something when the last, desperate plea for a response finally dragged him to the land of the present, Sokka couldn’t find it in him to open his mouth. Instead, he relaxed into Suki’s strong grip, listening to her calming words as she coaxed him back into real life, holding him tightly as she repeatedly assured him that he was safe and everything was okay. On the one hand, Sokka despised anyone seeing him in that awful, shaking, <em>painful</em> state, but on the other, he was glad that if anyone had to see him like that, it was her. Even if they weren’t together like that anymore, no one would ever understand him the way Suki did.</p><p>“Sorry,” he mumbled, not moving his head from Suki’s shoulder. She said nothing, simply sliding her arm higher around his back, pulling him in closer to her. “I didn’t mean to freak out on you. I just— that happens sometimes. I don’t know why. I don’t like to think about it.”</p><p>“You’re fine, Sokka.” Somehow, Suki’s tone was even softer than before and each word she said made him feel a little better. She scooted back when he finally slid out of her grasp, looking down to his feet on the floor in front of him. His left ankle was twisted oddly, but it didn’t hurt. He knew it wasn’t broken, not anymore, just bent from the fall. “Have you talked to anyone about this? I know a lot of the men who went to war, they—”</p><p>Sokka shook his head. “Thanks, Suki, but I don’t need to talk to anyone. I’m working it out on my own.”</p><p>“How? By bottling it all up until it breaks you like that?”</p><p>“Yes, actually, and you’d be surprised at how effective it is. Most of the time it works really well. It’s just… never mind. I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>He stumbled as he stood up, his weight shifting unevenly until he managed to steady himself with a good sixty-forty split between his feet. It wasn’t good for his posture, he knew, but a bad posture was easier to correct than a mind that wouldn’t stop saying things he didn’t want to hear. He slid out the door, not glancing back as Suki followed behind him, hurrying to catch up. He didn’t want to talk about what happened, but Suki was still one of his best friends and he wasn’t just going to tell her to go away either. Regardless of what happened between them romantically, they were going to be friends forever, and he refused to let anything get in the way of that.</p><p>Unsure of what to do but knowing he couldn’t practice anymore, Sokka headed out of the village, Suki quickly catching up and walking beside him. She was silent, giving him space to think about what had occurred, though all he wanted to do was forget that it ever happened at all. She was right in saying that his preferred method of coping was suppression, and he wasn’t going to deny that. Not to her, at least, and definitely not to himself. He could decide what to do about other people on an individual basis.</p><p>Sokka managed to calm his mind with enough convincing but didn’t get a chance to say anything to Suki before something appeared in the distance, distracting them both. An awfully familiar ship was pulling into the harbor; one he recognized for all the wrong reasons. He knew that the Fire Nation was their ally now, and that he had nothing to be concerned about, but the sight of it still set off alarm bells in his head. He didn’t show it, however, instead shooting a look at Suki who was smiling, her cheeks lighting up in a faint pink blush even beneath her warrior makeup.</p><p>“That must be Ty Lee,” she said, glancing over to Sokka, who furrowed his brow. “She went home for a few days to visit her family.”</p><p>He nodded, following as she led him down the path to the shore where the ship was docking. It was a decently steep path, but he’d walked it before multiple times, so it wasn’t bad. Within a few minutes they were standing back in the sand, Suki still smiling slightly while Sokka stared at the boat blankly, not entirely sure why he’d come along. Yeah, he wanted to spend time with Suki before he had to leave, but he’d never gotten along with Ty Lee. Of course, he’d also never gotten to know her outside the context of battle so there was every chance she was a perfectly pleasant person, he just didn’t know it yet and wasn’t particularly motivated to. At least, not until he realized that Suki was still blushing, biting down on her lip ever so slightly as she watched the ship excitedly.</p><p>Suddenly, everything fell into place and something in Sokka’s heart stopped for a split second before he regained the ability to function. It was Ty Lee. She was the one Suki fell for, causing her to realize that she and Sokka had little semblance of a relationship left between them. She, the person who’d attacked him and his friends so many times, had somehow won over the heart of the girl he loved more than anyone else. Aside from lacking his treasured tribe, Ty Lee was the one who was living out the perfect, fairytale life with the beautiful, kickass girlfriend he never thought he’d lose. He swallowed hard.</p><p>“It’s her, isn’t it?”</p><p>Suki glanced down to her feet before meeting his gaze. “I was kind of hesitant when we first met, given her history, but she’s so sweet, Sokka. She’s funny and talented and enthusiastic and—” she paused when she noticed Sokka’s expression falling “—and she lives here. I get to see her every day and neither of us have to give anything up to make that happen.”</p><p>“I know.” Sokka forced a smile, doing the best he could to be glad for her when he was still working through his own feelings. “I’m so glad you found someone who makes you happy, Suki. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be that person.”</p><p>“You will <em>always </em>be that person, Sokka.” She placed a hand on his cheek, the look in her eyes sad and genuine. “But I could never ask you to give up your tribe and you could never ask me to give up the Kyoshi Warriors. You mean so much to me and you always will, it’s just not meant to be.”</p><p>He placed his hand on top of hers, the curl of his lips becoming more genuine. “Thanks for being the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.”</p><p>“Thank <em>you </em>for being the best boyfriend I ever had.”</p><p>With that, she slid her hand away, turning back to face the boat. Within a minute, the ramp slid down and Ty Lee emerged from the opening at the top of it, a huge smile on her face. She opened her arms wide and ran over to Suki, leaping into her arms. Suki caught her, spinning them around in a circle as they shared a quick kiss before Ty Lee pulled away suddenly, her eyes wide in alarm. She looked to Sokka with an almost fearful expression, which relaxed when Suki placed a reassuring hand on her arm.</p><p>“It’s okay, Ty Lee,” said Suki. “Sokka and I worked it all out. You were right, it just wasn’t sustainable for us to try and keep a romantic relationship when our lives are so far apart. We’re just friends now. Best friends.”</p><p>“Wow, really?” she beamed. “I’m putting fires out all over the place this week! I mean, seriously. I just came back from helping Mai figure out what to do about Zuko, and she decided she wanted to try and do the same kind of ‘broken up but still best friends’ thing too.”</p><p>“Wait, Zuko and Mai broke up?” Sokka frowned. Last he’d seen them they were the emo match made in heaven. It was almost shocking to him that they’d split up, especially if they intended to still be friends. He couldn’t imagine what would bring them to that point. “Why?”</p><p>“I don’t know if I should say and really, I don’t know if it even ended up happening. I had to leave before Mai could do it, but she said she was going to break it off with him on their date night which would’ve been while I was on my way here, so I hope she went through with it. They really weren’t good together.”</p><p>“What do you mean? They’re so similar!”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s pretty much the problem based on what she told me. They’re good friends, but every try at a romance between them just ends in disaster. When I was still living in the Fire Nation they broke up, like, once a week. I don’t even know how they had the energy to keep getting back together. You’d think they would’ve realized at some point that they weren’t good together, but I guess it takes more than that to realize sometimes. Like— wait, nope. That’s what Mai told me not to talk about. Sorry. It’s not you guys, it’s just that she doesn’t want any sneaky press guys to overhear.”</p><p>“It’s all right,” said Suki, before Sokka could get in another question. He sighed, his natural curiosity still aching for more information, but there was nothing he could do about it. If talking about it could put Zuko, Mai, or even the Fire Nation at risk, he wouldn’t do it, no matter <em>how </em>badly he wanted to know more. “Where are your things? I’ll help you carry them back to the house.”</p><p>Sokka nearly went back into town with them after they gathered Ty Lee’s things, but she and Suki were so happy and flirtatious that he decided not to bother them. Instead, he stared out at the water for a few seconds before wandering over to the Fire Nation ship, stopping a few feet from the end of the ramp. Comparatively speaking, Kyoshi Island wasn’t too far from the Fire Nation, which theoretically gave him an opening for a different sort of vacation should the answer be what he suspected it was not. He looked to the man at the top of the boat’s ramp, staying silent for several seconds before he got out a word. The question on the tip of his tongue was such a ridiculous one—hell, question or not it was a crazy thing to think about—that he nearly stopped himself, but for some reason, he didn’t.</p><p>“Hey, are you going back to the Fire Nation right away?”</p><p>He shook his head. “Not quite, we’re going to stay here for the night and head back at dawn. Why? You got a message you want us to take to someone?”</p><p>“Actually, I was kind of thinking about maybe… nope, it’s ridiculous, sorry.” Sokka started to turn around but caught himself, one hand in the air as his damn curiosity took over from his common sense. “Theoretically, if I wanted to go to the Fire Nation, could I catch a ride with you guys?”</p><p>“I don’t see why not.” The guy was clearly confused but shrugged rather than asking questions. “You’d have to be ready to go by the time the sun’s up, but we got plenty of space. Assuming you’re heading to the capital, that is. We’re not taking any detours.”</p><p>“No, no, the capital’s fine. Great, actually. I’m not as familiar with the rest of the nation, so—” He cut himself off upon realizing that the man he was talking to could not have possibly cared any less. “Sorry. I don’t know why I’m even asking. It’s just that my girlfriend left me for her girlfriend and I don’t know if I can stay here without it being awkward or me becoming like a third wheel, but I don’t want to go home yet and I have a friend in the Fire Nation I haven’t seen in a while. His name is Zuko, though you probably know him better as the Fire Lord.”</p><p>The man snorted. “You’re friends with the Fire Lord? Yeah, right. Look, kid. If you pull your weight on the trip then we’ll take you along, but you don’t have to give us your whole life story or excuses for what you’re doing. None of us care, we’re just here to do our jobs. So, you decide you want to come, it’s fine. Just be here before we leave and we’ll give you a lift to the capital, no questions asked. Not the first time we had a little hitchhiker come with us.”</p><p>The guy didn’t wait for Sokka to respond before he turned and headed back into the ship, likely to relax before heading home. This left Sokka with nobody to interact with and nothing but his thoughts to keep him company, which was not preferable considering it was those same stupid thoughts that had just taken him from a potentially awkward week to a definite dilemma. It wasn’t like he really had a reason to go to the Fire Nation, it was just a passing thought brought on by Ty Lee’s vague explanations. Just an idea, something that <em>could </em>happen but definitely <em>wouldn’t </em>happen because he was fine right where he was at. Him and Suki were still best friends, they’d agreed. And just because Ty Lee was back, it didn’t necessarily mean anything was going to be awkward or uncomfortable until he left.</p><p>But it wasn’t just about things being awkward or uncomfortable, was it? It was the fact that he’d come to Kyoshi Island for an escape but dug himself deeper into the same hole he’d been in back at the Southern Water Tribe. He was trying again to relearn the things he thought he’d already mastered and it was just as awful as it was back home. In fact, he felt it was even worse in a way, because back at home, nobody knew. Nobody understood why he sometimes fell over, or they just assumed he threw a few fights to get the rookies’ spirits up. But here, the Kyoshi Warriors treated him like he was something to be pitied. Like he was a child that had to be taken care of because of what he personally would only consider a minor setback.</p><p>If he went to the Fire Nation, the one thing he could be sure of was that he wouldn’t be pitied. From what he’d seen, Zuko was far from an emphatic person, and he rarely acted on those emotions if he experienced them at all. He was angsty, socially awkward, and far too busy with political affairs to worry about what was going on with his friend. It was perfect. It sounded way better than going home and failing at the same things every day or staying on Kyoshi Island and having to face the sympathetic gazes of Suki and her friends until it was time for him to leave. It was also a stupid idea, leaving his boat behind and going to the Fire Nation without so much as a word warning Zuko of his arrival, but something about it just felt <em>right</em>. Better than the other options he had, at least.</p><p>Though he’d pretty much already made his choice, Sokka knew it wasn’t a good idea to make decisions so impulsively and deemed it bests not to commit to anything until he’d gotten a few hours of sleep. Surely he’d be able to talk himself out of his terrible idea by then, right?</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>People had always called Sokka stubborn, but he didn’t realize just how true that was until he spent the remainder of his day arguing with himself.</p><p>His idea to go to the Fire Nation was spontaneous, impulsive, and based more out of curiosity over whether he <em>could </em>rather than if he actually <em>should</em>. When he first questioned whether it was possible, he was barely even considering it as a real possibility. But as the day went on and he thought more about it, he realized that it seemed to him like the best option, all things considered. Given what happened with Suki and Ty Lee (and the awkward, three-wheeled dinner that they’d had that evening), the Fire Nation could be his last chance at an actual vacation, as ironic as it was given his overall history of the place.</p><p>Stuck on his stupid idea, Sokka found himself unable to sleep and ended up making his decision without any. He had to find the right way to approach it, knowing he couldn’t delay the ride but also aware that if he left without saying anything, Suki would think something was wrong. Not wanting to leave any bad blood between them but knowing he’d already lost any opportunity to actually speak with her—unless he wanted to break into her house and wake her up in the middle of the night, which didn’t seem like the best idea—essentially left him with only one choice, which was to write a letter. So, he grabbed a sheet of paper, dipped his utensil in ink, wrote seventeen half-finished-but-definitely-failed drafts, and stepped back to review his work.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Dearest Suki,</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Late last night, Hawky (my messenger hawk, in case you’d forgotten), arrived at my doorstep with a letter from my dad. Something came up back at the tribe and I’m sorry, but I have to leave sooner than I’d planned. I’m setting sail at first light, so I’ll be gone by the time you read this. I wish all the best for you, Ty Lee, and the Kyoshi Warriors, and I hope we can see each other again soon. Maybe then you can finally get me back into the Kyoshi Warrior garb like you’ve been saying.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>xo Sokka</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>He realized it may have been a bit much considering they’d broken up, but it was the sentiment that counted, right? Even if it was a <em>little </em>over the top, Suki would understand that he was just trying to say bye in a friendly, well-rounded manner, and he wasn’t always the best with words so she had to take him exactly as he was, awkward ‘xo’s and all.</p><p>Accepting that he was unlikely to write anything better than what he had, Sokka folded up the letter and printed Suki’s name on one side of it before tossing his bag over his shoulder and heading out the door. It was still dark outside but the faint torch light on either side of the street lit up the village well enough for him to see, and he was able to find Suki’s house easily. He stood outside of it for several long seconds before he slid the note under her door, letting out a deep sigh of relief when the weight was finally lifted off his shoulders. Now, all he had to do was get his boat out of there, since he wasn’t planning to sail to the Fire Nation on his own (and not just because the Fire Nation cruisers were steam-powered and so much faster), and leaving it right in the middle of the docks would kind of give away the fact that he hadn’t actually gone home.</p><p>Having visited the island multiple times before, Sokka was well-versed in its shores, and knew exactly where the best place to leave his boat would be. He wasn’t entirely sure how he was going to get back to the island to retrieve his boat and get home after his little detour, but he figured he’d be able to work that out later. After all, he was friends with the Fire Lord. Surely, <em>something </em>could be arranged.</p><p>Sokka secured his boat in a secluded area of the island, near a cliff which blocked the view of the beach beneath it. His boat was unable to be seen from the nearby villages and, hopefully, would remain unseen until he returned for it in a few days. No one in the Southern Water Tribe would know that he’d taken a detour, and no one on Kyoshi Island would ever have to know that he lied about why he left. He’d get his time alone, his family would think he’d gotten a great vacation, and Suki would know for sure that everything was still great between them. Not to say that it <em>wasn’t</em> all good between them but if he hadn’t written that excellent letter, things might not have turned out so well.</p><p>Once his boat was carefully hidden beneath the cliff’s edge and disguised with a few cleverly placed leaves, Sokka slung his bag over his shoulder and hiked to the docks. The sun was barely beginning to rise at that point, but the Fire Nation workers were already getting ready to leave when he arrived. The man Sokka had spoken to the day before looked almost surprised to see him, though he didn’t say a word as he nodded for Sokka to board the ship. No one else acknowledged him much either, aside from directing him to where he could leave his bag, so he assumed that the guy from before had already told everyone there was a chance they’d have a hitchhiker.</p><p>After dropping off his things, Sokka was able to start helping the workers, which was surprisingly nice. Sure, it was kind of annoying being a gopher for them as he had to do whatever the hell they decided they needed done—which was anything from unblocking a piece of the engine to bringing some guy a glass of wine—but it was easy and mindless and he found it far easier to stop thinking about the potential repercussions of his actions as he worked. Because, of course, there were a thousand things that could go wrong because he was stupid enough to go on this impulsive detour and every time he remembered that, his mind came up with another thousand things that could happen because he wanted a few days to himself.</p><p>While he did his best not to think about it, the most prominent fear on his list was that Suki would find out he was lying about why he left and think he was upset with her, when that wasn’t true at all. He was a bit disappointed, sure, but wasn’t that how you were supposed to feel after a breakup? All he really wanted was for her to be happy and if Ty Lee made her happy, then he thoroughly believed they should be together. But that didn’t mean he had to stick around and watch them blush all over each other while he was still getting over the fact that the universe took him away from the one woman he’d ever truly loved (not counting Yue, for no reason other than to make it sound more dramatic). He knew that he was young and there was every chance he’d find love again, but also he was young and that meant he was allowed to overreact and entertain the idea that he’d just lost his soulmate.</p><p>All relationship issues and potential repercussions aside, Sokka also realized that he hadn’t exactly figured out what he was going to do upon arriving at the Fire Nation and found himself in an unexpected panic as he prepared lunches for the entire crew. Everything he was doing was banking on the fact that Zuko would want to see him, regardless of actually what he did or did not want. He was the Fire Lord, in charge of countless people, and probably had his schedule planned out for him days or even years in advance. Suddenly, the idea of visiting him sounded so stupid. On a whim he’d just assumed that Zuko would be glad to see him, let him stay in one of the guest rooms for a few days, and maybe they’d hang out over dinner or something while Sokka spent his time wandering and relaxing whenever Zuko was off doing whatever Fire Lords did, but it just wasn’t likely.</p><p>Too deep into his thoughts to pay attention to what he was doing, Sokka realized he’d unintentionally mixed up nearly all the lunches he was working on and therefore had nothing but a bunch of useless sandwiches for people who’d requested something entirely different. At first he froze, stunned by his mistake and not particularly thrilled to go back and redo it all, but then he sighed and reviewed the list of unreasonably complicated orders he’d received, carefully going over them one by one to make sure he got everything right. After all, these people gave him a ride for free; the least he could do was make sure they got something decent to eat.</p><p>When Sokka finished the unreasonably large tray of sandwiches and drinks, he wandered around the ship, handing out meals to everyone who’d requested them along with a little dessert he’d whipped up to go with it (They had fire gummies <em>and </em>sweet cream back there—what else was he supposed to do?), continuously referring to his list along the way to make sure everyone got what they asked for. By the time he reached the last worker, he’d already gone through the ‘thank you’ and ‘you’re welcome’ exchange so many times he felt like if he had to say or hear those words one more time, his head might explode. But it didn’t, and everyone got their meals down to the very last person, who happened to be the guy who’d let him come along in the first place.</p><p>After he took his lunch with a thoughtful expression on his face, the man stopped, calling to Sokka before he could leave. “Hey, kid?”</p><p>“Yeah?” Sokka turned to look at him, one hand still on the doorknob. “Did I mix something up?”</p><p>“No, no, it’s just that…” He frowned, glancing over to his lunch with an almost apologetic look in his eyes. “These crazy lunches are kind of our way of hazing the kids we bring along. No one’s ever really made them all before.”</p><p>He shrugged. “Lists are really handy. You might want to pass that on to the next kid you find.”</p><p>Honestly, Sokka wasn’t entirely sure what the man meant by his confession, but he seemed somehow touched by Sokka’s ability to follow through which, in turn, almost touched Sokka too. Though he didn’t know how many kids had been on the ship before him, he was kind of proud to be the first one who could truly make a difference in the workers’ days. Even if scrubbing the floors <em>was </em>one of the nastiest things he’d ever had to do.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey.”</p><p>Zuko slid down the wall, ignoring his hair as it pushed around his ears into his face. It was pulled up into a sort of half-assed ponytail, which would have looked particularly awful if the rest of his appearance didn’t match. Though he’d been wearing a traditional robe and a pair of casual yet fancy sandals when he came in, he’d kicked the shoes off at the door and left his robe on the coat rack; leaving him barefoot and wearing nothing but a pair of black lounge pants and an old, dark red, long-sleeved shirt. He sighed and leaned his head back against the wall, his gaze turned to the door directly to his right behind him.</p><p>“Sorry to bother you again,” he started, his tone entirely genuine. “I know you don’t want to see me and you’re probably getting really sick of me coming here and babbling to myself, but the palace is just so big and with everything going on it gets<em> so damn lonely</em>. Sometimes I really wish you would come back. I understand why you don’t want to, and I know you probably don’t even believe I’m telling the truth, but if you ever want to come home, I really— I really do want you there.”</p><p>He took a deep breath, dragging his hands over his face. What was he doing? It was worse than his stupid letters to his uncle. He wasn’t just writing down what he was feeling, like a normal journal-keeping person might do, he was having a one-sided conversation with himself. And sure, he’d done it a lot of times before, even opening a weekly time block to do so before his mental health and stability got wrecked by a fucking hurricane, but that didn’t make it any less insane. That didn’t make it any less pointless to sit there against the cold wall and talk to the locked door, as if the person on the other side would actually listen to him despite everything that happened.</p><p>“I’ve started repealing laws,” Zuko went on, ignoring the voices in his head that told him to stop. “Or I’m trying to, at least. No one’s working with me right now so I’m sort of trying to figure it out on my own. Turns out we have a lot of them—laws, I mean—so it’s taking a while to get through them all, but I’ve already sorted out around a dozen that I know I’m going to get rid of. Then I think once I finish getting these affairs settled, I’ll probably get to work on the school system. I had a meeting to talk to the board about that today, but it ended up getting postponed. I’ve been doing a pretty bad job taking care of myself, I guess, so Shin said I have to take it easy for a while. I don’t want to but they’re going so far as to try and keep me on bedrest, hence everything getting pushed back. Oh, and while I’m on the subject of school and forcing people to do things, I know how you feel about it, but I’m keeping the arts as a requirement through all stages of learning. Sorry.”</p><p>Zuko sniffed, turning away from the door to look instead at his bare feet spread out in front of him. It was a cycle of insanity, his trips to this godforsaken place. Every time he came to talk his thoughts out, to work his way through the things that were bothering him, and every time it made him feel worse. Not necessarily because of what he was talking about, since it was generally the same or similar thoughts to what wrote in his letters to Iroh, but because of the way he chose to express those thoughts. Writing letters to his uncle was organizing a mess of thoughts and thinking about someone who gave him comfort, while speaking to a closed door just reminded him that his entire life was a hellish slew of trauma that he could never put back together.</p><p>“Speaking of the arts, I’ve been trying to find a way to get all that going again. I know you think I’m a nerd, but I’ve always thought they were really important to our culture and I’d love to see them make a comeback, especially theater. <em>Good </em>theater, at least. I’m so sick of people like the Ember Island Players dominating the industry. I don’t care that they’re in a good location, or that unsuspecting tourists are always around to buy tickets, they fucking suck. And I know, I know! You’re in there thinking that it doesn’t matter who does the production because plays always suck, but they don’t. Remember when Mom took us to see <em>Love Amongst the Dragons </em>in Shu Jing? I remember you hated it because it was an outdoor production and it was way too hot outside, but those people were real actors. They were passionate and immersive, versus whatever dumbasses they cast on Ember Island every summer. I mean, god, do they hold auditions and then pick the <em>worst </em>actors to get the parts? I don’t know if you heard but they had a play about Aang running before the comet, and they couldn’t even get my scar on the right side. Well, I mean, technically it was on the right side, but the right side is the wrong side, so— you know what I mean. It was just so awful. A disgrace to the industry.”</p><p>He absolutely recognized that he was babbling but lacked the will to care. Talking about serious stuff was too hard and if he wanted to go off on a tangent about things that made him happy—and sometimes far too passionate—then he was going to do that. It wasn’t like anyone was listening to him anyway, despite why he came there in the first place. His intended audience was probably still shunning him, and it would be impossible for anyone else to listen in. Zuko had security around every entrance to the building and knew as a fact that only the two of them were inside. If he let anyone else in while he was there, they were at risk of overhearing his rambles about highly confidential things that nobody should know about and, honestly, he shouldn’t be talking about.</p><p>“Anyway, I’m sure I’m boring you with all that talk of theater,” Zuko continued, dragging his knees into his chest before wrapping his arms around them, his head still against the wall. “I should probably fill you in on the stuff they’re not telling the press about, unless you’ve already caught onto that too, since you’re so observant. But in case you haven’t, basically, I guess I’ve been kind of falling apart? Not like you did, but like, bad enough that I’m constantly terrified people are going to notice. I’ve always been bad with people, you know, and I kind of thought I would get better at it after a while, but I’m not. I can’t. My advisor made me meet with multiple coaches and try fucked-up exercises and other inhumane bullshit—I barely talked him out of a speech therapist, god knows I didn’t need <em>that </em>brought up again—but it just doesn’t work.</p><p>“I still trip over my words and I shake like an idiot when I have to talk to people. Not just important people, but <em>any </em>people. I’m fine in front of a crowd but put me face-to-face with someone and I just <em>freeze</em>. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Uncle always said I just had to keep working on it and I’d get better, but I’m not. And it’s not that I don’t try, I really do, but I can’t do it and I hate it and then I hate myself and I’m really bad at coping with that apparently? Because I totally skipped out on eating for like, a week, and then I passed out for almost three days because I didn’t even sleep either. It wasn’t intentional, I just forgot and— sorry, I know I’m dumping a lot on you right now, but this Fire Lord shit is just… I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t realize that I would make it so much worse for myself.”</p><p>This was the point he reached almost every time, at which he was only glad that no one could see him. Though he couldn’t know for sure, he was almost positive his eyes were pink and when he looked down to the burn mark on his wrist, the first tear prickled at his eye. Goddamn emotions were always getting in the way of his successful career. Why couldn’t he just be strong like the other leaders he met with? Why couldn’t he just be functional like a normal human being, instead of an awkward ball of never-ending nerves? Sometimes he wished he could go back to being perpetually angry, if only to smother everything else in his mind. He swallowed hard, biting down on his lip, and looking to his knees before he placed his head back against the wall, blinking several times as he turned his gaze to the ceiling.</p><p>“I’ve never told anyone this before—I mean, Uncle knows because he always had to help me through it during our travels, and maybe you remember from when we were kids, I don’t know—but sometimes it gets so bad that I actually panic. I don’t know what it is or why it happens, but it just does. It’s the worst when people sneak up on me or touch me without warning. Sometimes it just happens for no reason. I think it’s just some kind of fear response that’s been instilled in me since I was banished, but I don’t know for sure. I don’t know anything anymore. I never thought this would be easy, but I guess I just always thought I would get better at it but I’m not. I keep fucking up and I don’t know what to do.</p><p>“That’s why I’m just falling apart, I think, and I’m trying to fix it, I really am, I just… I’m the <em>Fire Lord</em>. I can’t just tell people that I’m losing it. I can’t just say things like ‘Hey, there are a lot of times I really want to hurt myself, and sometimes I think about how nice it would be if I didn’t wake up! Also, when you think I’m taking a minute to sort out my thoughts, I’ve probably left the room to go throw up! I put up a great front for the world but deep down I’m pathetic and weak and I don’t even know how to take care of myself! I hate myself more than anyone else I have ever met and probably more than anyone who’s ever met me too and I need help but I don’t know how to ask for it and I’m trying but I’m a fucking failure and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be better.’”</p><p>He dropped his head back into his knees, forcing himself to take deep breaths to keep from losing it. He didn’t know at what point he’d gone from babbling to ranting to verbalizing some of his deepest fears, but it happened, and he couldn’t take it back. Thankfully, he was still alone, so he didn’t have to be brave or strong and was able to just bury himself in his knees, his chest shaking as he tried to regain his composure. <em>You’re fine, Zuko</em>, he told himself, though the earlier confessions had pretty much proven otherwise, <em>just breathe</em>. But no matter how hard he tried to do that, he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it without someone there to guide him. Without Iroh there to guide him. Without his uncle, all he could do was wait for the pain in his chest to pass as he sat there, his eyes and lungs stinging as he faced the fact that his reality was crumbling. He thought he had confidence left, at least a tiny shred of it, but it was gone. Everything he said confirmed that, deep down, he genuinely believed he was useless. That he couldn’t come back from this. That he would lose the Fire Nation to his own goddamn insecurities.</p><p>The hand on his shoulder tore him from his thoughts, though he didn’t fully register the company until fingers gripped down on his forearm, hair tickling his neck as a head rested against his shoulder. He knew it was her, that it couldn’t be anyone but her, but he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes because it didn’t make sense. He’d been there <em>so many times </em>before and she never showed her face. She never even acknowledged that he was visiting or gave an indication that she was listening or knew that he was talking in the first place. But now she was there, sitting with him, trying to reassure him, and it made no sense. It was a trap. It <em>had </em>to be a trap. There was no way it wasn’t. It just didn’t make sense otherwise. None of it made sense.</p><p>
  <em>Azula was showing him affection and it didn’t fucking make sense.</em>
</p><p>“I said the same thing to Ena.” Her voice was flat, of course, and he couldn’t tell whether she was trying to reassure him or rope him into some kind of scheme. He wanted to believe it to be the former, but his gut argued for the latter. “Minus the part about not knowing how to ask for help, of course, since <em>my </em>stupid brother Zuzu decided to make that decision for me. The details are fuzzy, but I believe I remember being dragged out of the capital in a straitjacket and thrown into a padded room for god knows how many days before you decided what to do with me. That was lovely, by the way, I should really thank you for the little trip. My favorite part was that in the room they kept me in, there weren’t any windows. It made it all the easier to ignore the passage of time.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Azula.” Though he’d accepted that she was there, that she was listening, <em>that her body language was still showing affection</em>, Zuko couldn’t bring himself to look at her. He couldn’t bring himself to see what he’d done to her. “I never wanted that to happen. There was just so much going on after Aang took down Father and I didn’t know what to do, and people kept offering to take care of things for me and I just let them because, let’s face it, you fucking electrocuted me and I could barely stand up let alone deal with the aftermath of a goddamn war. I never wanted you in an institution. <em>Never</em>. As soon as I found out what they did I tried to bring you back to the palace, but you refused, and that’s why I got you this house with Ena so you could figure everything out. And I know I’ve said all that before, but I don’t know when you listen, and—”</p><p>“I always listen, Zuzu, unfortunate as it is.” She sighed dramatically, not lifting her head from his shoulder, nor her hand from his forearm. “On that note, I know you’re having some kind of an emotional breakdown right now, but we need to have a talk about your plans because I don’t think you understand the impact of what you’re proposing for our nation.”</p><p>His heart skipped a beat, self-doubt immediately kicking into full force. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Well, for one thing, you’re subjecting countless children to unbelievable torture. I don’t care how much you love the arts, not all of us want to learn how to sing on a stage, paint with our noses, and play the tsungi horn, and forcing that on poor innocent children? I can’t imagine the decision will go over well, especially with the older kids. Also, you can do whatever you want to the arts industry as a whole but there’s nothing that can make that sappy, drama-filled love fest you’re so obsessed with any good.”</p><p>“<em>Love Amongst the Dragons </em>is a staple of our culture!”</p><p>“It’s torture, and the sheer number of times you made us see it should have told you you’re not fit for the throne.”</p><p>The words should have hurt but for some reason, instead of being upset by what she said and letting it feed him deeper into his depression, Zuko laughed. He laughed into his knees until he couldn’t breathe anymore, and he was finally forced to lift his head up so as not to suffocate between his own legs. He saw Azula’s face for just long enough to realize she was laughing too, though not as much as he was, and it made him smile even more. Though her notably longer hair was a mess, her clothes were as lame as his, and her face was pale from a lack of sun exposure, Zuko couldn’t kill the feeling of joy he got just from seeing her at all. He meant what he said—he never wanted what happened to her and at this point, she was all the family he had left (aside from Iroh, who absolutely counted, except he lived in the Earth Kingdom and Zuko was still doing his best not to let him in on the bad parts of his life). Regardless of their history, he didn’t want to lose her. He <em>couldn’t </em>lose her. They’d both made mistakes over the years and she deserved a chance to do right by hers, just as he’d done when he joined forces with Aang.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Azula.” He’d already said it once that day, but it felt important that he say it again, just to make sure she knew he was sincere. “I am so unbelievably sorry for what you went through. I should have been more involved. I shouldn’t have let them do that to you. I—”</p><p>“You know what?” Azula started, her tone vaguely annoyed as she finally slid her head away from him, leaving her hand on his arm. “It’s no wonder you’re such a big fan of all those sap fests since you’re such a fucking drama queen yourself. I need you to listen to me carefully now, okay? I don’t give an elephant rat’s ass, Zuzu. I don’t want to talk about it. All I want to know is why the Fire Lord is out in public wearing lounge pants and no shoes.”</p><p>“I—” Suddenly very aware of his attire, Zuko glanced down at casual clothing and bare feet before he answered. “My robes and shoes are in the front hall. I was wearing them on the way here, but it just gets tiring having to look so professional all the time, you know? And I remember it was always your favorite part of the day, but <em>god</em>, I hate people touching my hair.”</p><p>“You don’t say. And here I thought your ponytail was done by a professional stylist.”</p><p>He reached his left hand to his ear instinctively, feeling the stray strands that had escaped his sloppy hairdo. “I’d comment on the fact that you seem to have forgotten what a comb is, but I’m guessing you’ll say something about me throwing you in an institution again, so I won’t.”</p><p>“A good choice. Sorry or not, I’ve already been declared insane so it’s probably best you do whatever I want in case I crack and try to kill you. We wouldn’t want little Fire Lord Zuzu dying before he’s even old enough to drink wine, now would we?”</p><p>“Why won’t you come back to the palace?” The question came out of nowhere, cutting off their banter and startling Zuko as much as it did Azula. “I get that you hate me, and you have every reason to, but I meant what I said. Your room hasn’t been touched except to be cleaned, I have more than enough seats for you to join me at meals, and all your servants are still being compensated in the event of your return. Everything is in place except you. Everyone is ready for you to come home except <em>you</em>. I thought it would have been long enough by now but if you don’t feel ready to be on your own, we can bring Ena with you! You can keep doing your therapy and get better and I can’t give you the title of Fire Lord, but you can be the best damn princess this nation has ever seen.”</p><p>“No, I can’t,” she snapped. Azula slid further away from him, her irritated gaze downcast as she crossed her legs, dropping her hands into her lap. “Ena says I’ve made a lot of progress but deep down I know I’m still a monster. The only reason you believe everything is fine is because of those stupid plays you love so much. You think that because we had this little ‘bonding moment’ or whatever, everything is fine, but it’s not. Aside from the fact that the people would never want me as their princess, we have too much bad blood between us. You hurt me and I know I hurt you too. This isn’t a drama where we can just fix everything. Our family is too messed up and at this point, it’s better we just let it die.”</p><p>“No. No, you don’t believe that. If you believed there was nothing we could do then you wouldn’t have come out of your room. I visited you every week for <em>months </em>and you never came out of your room. Why the hell did you come out of your room?”</p><p>“Because Father is gone, Mother is dead, and according to all your fancy little specialists, I am far beyond help. You’re the last person our bloodline has, and we can’t lose you. If we lose you, we lose the Fire Nation. Do not let our family lose the Fire Nation.” She stood up, her hair swishing behind her as she turned to go back into her room. “Oh, and Zuzu? The institution you threw me in may have been a living hell but having Ena around for the last few months hasn’t been the worst thing. If you’re really at your breaking point like you said… well, you still suck at a lot of things, but you have good taste in therapists. Don’t suffocate for your pride.”</p><p>She closed the door after that, leaving Zuko alone in the hallway. He sat in silence for several seconds, trying to process everything that happened. Part of him was still reeling over the fact that she didn’t completely hate his guts after what he did to her, and after everything they’d been through over their lives, but then he realized that maybe, it was the fact that he’d kept coming to see her that finally brought her around. That he cared enough to keep visiting her, even though she never asked him to. That he told her how much she meant to him over and over, reminding her of the good memories rather than the bad, when he could have just ignored her or even thrown her back in the institution. That or she was just plotting to overthrow him, which was absolutely a possibility. Still, he couldn’t help but feel sad that she’d again rejected his offer to let her move into the palace, putting him right back in the same place he’d been for months—alone.</p><p>Desperately wanting more time with his sister but knowing that if he pushed it he would only make things worse, Zuko rose from his seat on the floor and trudged back to the foyer, grabbing his robe and tying it in the front to cover his casual wear before slipping on his royal sandals. A quick glance in the nearby mirror proved that his hair was just as awful as Azula said and his golden eyes were bloodshot; a feature that would not go unnoticed, though he lacked the capacity to care. There was too much going on in his head for him to be concerned over what he looked like, even if the people he’d encounter outside thought he was supposed to be something else. Quite frankly, he was sick of pretending to be something else and he was sick of not being able to do what he wanted to. So, instead of leaving, he walked back over to his sister’s door, taking a deep breath before he spoke.</p><p>“Azula?” No response, of course, but he went on anyway. “You’re not the monster, Father is. Don’t blame yourself for his mistakes.”</p><p>He turned to leave then, slipping out the door without another word. Though he knew he couldn’t stick around the little house any longer, Zuko didn’t feel ready to go back to the palace and face the people who thought he was meant to be in bed, so he decided to wander into town instead; much to the dismay of his guards who were very expectedly bothered by his messy hair and half-assed attempt at royal wear. Apparently, just because you could see the bottom of his lounge pants above his slip-on sandals meant that it wasn’t appropriate attire for the Fire Lord, but he wasn’t even twenty years old and he was in charge of an entire fucking nation so Zuko decided he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. And what he wanted to do, stupid as it was, was wander into town, see what the people were up to, and buy a treat for the turtle ducks.</p><p>The market was packed at that time of the afternoon and yet everywhere Zuko went, people seemed to move to the side. They gave him whatever space he wanted but only because they thought he deserved special treatment, which he didn’t. Occasionally a child would come up to him, but half were pulled away by their parents and the other half were scared off by his scar. It was the same thing that happened every time he came into town and he despised it, but he loved seeing the people so much that he couldn’t stop visiting altogether. The last thing he wanted to do was be a voice of authority who, to the people, had no personality or presence. He needed to show them that he was there for them. That he cared in a way his predecessors did not. That, as terrified as he was, he wanted to be the best Fire Lord he could, and he was fully capable of doing that.</p><p>But then of course someone had to come up and ruin his slowly increasing mood because even in a crowd of great people there’s always that one asshole who has to kill the vibe and today that asshole took the form of a little girl who stopped in front of him as she ran by. She gave him a funny look, cocking her head to the side before asking a question in that squeaky little voice only the youngest of children could manage.</p><p>“Are you the Fire Lord?”</p><p>He nodded, forcing a smile. “Yes, I am.”</p><p>“I thought so.” The girl grinned back at him, her eyes lighting up. “My mommy has pictures of all the Fire Lords in our living room. You know, if your face wasn’t so melty, you would look just like your daddy.”</p><p>Her tone was so joyous, so innocent, and she ran away right after she spoke as if she believed the comment was one that would make Zuko remember her positively. Instead, it initiated that same feeling of tightness in his chest, caused his heart to pound so rapidly he thought it might burst right out of him, and threw him for such an unexpected loop that he nearly tripped right onto his face; stopped only by one of his guards who leapt into action, grabbing his bicep before he managed to crash onto the path. He nodded gratefully to the man, unable to form any words but somehow managing to reject an offer to be escorted back to the palace. If he went back he’d either have to bury himself in his work or face the people who were trying to stop him doing that, and neither of those were particularly desirable options.</p><p>Still, thanks to his obviously pale face and sudden lightheadedness, one of the Fire Lord’s guards stood close beside him, trailing on his left until Zuko started to feel sick from how on edge he was and demanded that the guard move to his right without explanation. He was the Fire Lord, after all. Sure, he was a bitch sometimes, but he was in charge of everyone. He didn’t have to tell them anything if he didn’t want to. They just had to listen to him, and sometimes, he let that power go to his head.</p><p>Once he got over the awful feeling in the pit of his stomach, Zuko continued his stride through the market, smiling at those who made eye contact and pretending not to be the most awkward human being alive when they bowed or greeted him. Eventually, he made it to his destination and stopped in front of the fruit stand, forcing yet another smile for the merchant who seemed almost in awe to have the Fire Lord himself purchasing goods from his humble stand. Zuko didn’t even acknowledge this expression, simply tossing down a handful of coins, not bothering to watch as they bounced and spun around on the counter.</p><p>“I’ll take two of whatever your sweetest grapes are,” he said, his tone far less cheery than he’d intended. He glanced over the merchant’s shoulder to where a child and what appeared to be his mother were huddled in the shade, wearing some of the saddest rags he’d ever seen someone attempt to call clothing. “Just keep the change, I don’t want it.”</p><p>The man thanked him profusely as he handed over a bag with two bunches of grapes; one so purple it was nearly pink and the other a startling green. Zuko simply nodded in response, reluctantly turning back to return to the palace. One of his guards gave him an odd look, to which Zuko simply raised his eyebrow and made a gesture with his hand, asking the man to elaborate on why exactly he was staring at his Fire Lord like he’d just done something worthy of judgment.</p><p>“We have people who can shop for you, Fire Lord Zuko,” he explained awkwardly. “If you wanted something specific, you could just—”</p><p>“This isn’t for me, it’s for the turtle ducks.”</p><p>That comment only caused the guard’s expression to become even more confused, but Zuko didn’t care to explain. It wasn’t any of the man’s business why he wanted to do his shopping himself, nor why he was dumping money on fancy grapes to feed a bunch of turtle ducks. He was the Fire Lord, goddammit, and if he wanted to spend his afternoon feeding grapes to the turtle ducks, he was going to spend his afternoon feeding grapes to the turtle ducks.</p><p>With that settled, he resumed his walk back to the palace, stopping only when he spotted something—or rather, some<em>one</em>—familiar in the crowd. He furrowed his brow, blinking several times to ensure that his eyes were not deceiving him. Once convinced that they were not, he wandered over to the person he was looking at, the only person on the entire street who was wearing blue, much to the disdain of his guards who were likely hoping he’d finally go back to the palace and get back to bed like he was supposed to. Instead, he walked right up to the guy in front of a random tchotchke stand, utterly baffled as to what he was doing so far away from his home.</p><p>“Sokka?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Though he did his best to win himself over, Sokka was at no point confident in his plan and ultimately concluded that he was an idiot and needed to go back to Kyoshi Island as soon as possible. Of course, there was the small issue that he’d taken a one-way ride to the Fire Nation, which left him with no way to get out of there. By the time they’d arrived it was already evening, so he accepted that he was stuck until morning at the earliest. As such, he decided to stay in an inn, since he did have money but he did not have a guarantee that Zuko would have the time or energy to see him, and a definite bed was much better than going to the palace and being refused entry by the royal guard.</p><p>The next day, torn about what to do but thankful that he’d finally managed to get a decent night of sleep, Sokka headed out of the inn and wandered around the streets; searching for someone who would be able to give him a ride back to Kyoshi Island to collect his boat so he could return to the home he never should have left in the first place. The whole vacation idea was ridiculous in the first place and after trying it out, Sokka was sure it wasn’t for him. Things just kept getting worse as time went on and his stupid, impulsive decision had somehow made that worse even worse than it already was. It was like he’d found a way to make the initial levels of worse so much worse that worse actually turned into <em>worst</em>.</p><p><em>Wow</em>, he thought. <em>Even I don’t understand what I’m thinking anymore</em>.</p><p>Sokka asked everyone he could but eventually, it became clear that he wasn’t going to get a ride any time soon which left him with only one choice. Unfortunately, that was having to go find Zuko and admit to the stupid decisions he’d made, therefore embarrassing himself thankfully right before he would be able to sail far, far away from there. Still, he was doing the best he could to avoid having to make that encounter, AKA delaying it for as long as possible by wandering around the market with absolutely no direction as he tried to figure out what he would say. But, in keeping with his streak of bad luck, that turned out to be a questionable decision too, as he was not the only one wandering the market that afternoon.</p><p>“Sokka?”</p><p>He turned around slowly. <em>Very </em>slowly. The longer he avoided looking at Zuko, the longer he could put off the awkward conversation that would inevitably ensue. But no matter how slowly he tried to turn around, it took only seconds to meet Zuko’s gaze, at which point he realized he might not have been the only one in a less-than-great situation. Zuko wasn’t nearly as majestic or royal as he was the last few times Sokka saw him; instead, wearing a pale, slightly flushed, exhausted expression, and an awfully messy ponytail in his hair. His robes made him look at least somewhat professional but the shoes he chose to wear with them were far from classy and, quite honestly, Sokka couldn’t tell whether they were truly sandals or just an exceptionally fancy pair of slippers.</p><p>“Zuko, hey!” Sokka raised his hands awkwardly, entirely uncertain as to how he should proceed. Somehow he had to explain his presence and ask Zuko for help getting a ride back to Kyoshi Island, but how he was supposed to do that without sounding like an absolute idiot was unclear. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“I was about to ask you the same thing.” Oddly enough, Zuko went in for a hug which turned out slightly stunted due to Sokka’s confusion and the paper bag in Zuko’s hand, but it was still surprisingly comforting. A royal guard in the shadows behind Zuko narrowed his eyes, and Sokka shot him a look which he hoped expressed the fact that <em>he was friends with Zuko and he was sick of people not believing him. </em>After a few seconds, Zuko pulled away, standing a couple feet from Sokka with his brow furrowed. “Did something happen at the Southern Water Tribe? I didn’t know you were coming.”</p><p>“Oh, no. Nope. Everything’s good. I was actually on my way to the palace, but I got a little sidetracked.” There was no need for Zuko to know that he was planning to just skip right out of there because he’d made a stupid decision <em>again</em>. “Shopping is kind of my guilty pleasure. Anyway, I— sorry, is everything all right? I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but you look like… weird.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine, I just had a stressful conversation. But you, uh, you didn’t tell me what you’re doing here.”</p><p>“Right, well, it’s, er…” Sokka glanced down at his shoes for the briefest second before turning back to look at Zuko, the words coming out faster than his mind could consider the repercussions. “We’re getting ready for winter back at the tribe, you know, and there’s a lot of blizzards this time of year so we didn’t want to send Hawky—”</p><p>“Hawky?”</p><p>“My messenger hawk.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Yeah. Anyway, we needed some supplies and stuff, so my dad wanted to work out a trade with the Fire Nation, but it wasn’t safe to send Hawky back and forth to negotiate and we didn’t really have a better way to contact you so we thought it would just be easier for me to sail out here as like a… you know… uh… kind of like a… uh…”</p><p>“Representative?”</p><p>“Yes, a representative!” he agreed quickly, realizing too late that he was being overly enthusiastic. “I’m here as a representative for the tribe!”</p><p>“Okay then. I have an ambassador from the Northern Water Tribe, but I’ve been wanting to get some closer contact with you guys in the south.” Zuko made a face, crossing his arms despite it being slightly awkward with the bag he held in one hand. “So, when did you want to talk about this? People keep canceling meetings on me, so I have a lot of free time if you want to meet like, today even. Or tomorrow. Literally whenever. Just pick a time and I’ll fit you in.”</p><p>Sokka frowned. “What do you mean you have a lot of free time? Last time we saw each other, you were so busy that you literally had to run around the palace doing things the entire time we were trying to talk. Now you suddenly have so much time that you can fit me in at any time of any day? It doesn’t make sense. What’s going on? Is something happening? Is the Fire Nation in danger? Are <em>you </em>in danger?”</p><p>“No! No, it’s fine. Shit, okay.” He groaned and dragged a hand over his face before reaching out to grab Sokka’s wrist, pulling him through the crowded streets of the market behind him. Sokka opened his mouth to ask what exactly was going on, but Zuko explained before he could, his voice so low Sokka had to strain his ears to hear him. “We can’t talk here; the people don’t know about this and I’d really prefer they don’t find out.”</p><p>He didn’t let go of Sokka’s wrist until they made it out of the crowds, following the path back to the palace. Instead of going in through the front doors like Sokka expected, Zuko led him around the side and into the palace gardens. They walked silently down the paths, until they reached an area around the back of the palace which was even fancier than the parts of the courtyard they’d passed through on their way. Instead of acknowledging the rows of flowers or open halls which led back into the palace, Zuko walked right over to the small, sparkling pond, sitting down beneath a tree aside it. Sokka hesitated before sitting next to him, watching silently as Zuko placed his bag between them and opened it up, revealing it to contain two bundles of bright pink and green grapes. He made a face upon realizing <em>that </em>was what was in the bag but decided it wasn’t his place to judge the Fire Lord, even if they were friends.</p><p>Though Sokka was aching to know what Zuko was planning to tell him, what was so secret that he couldn’t say it in front of his people, he didn’t push his friend to speak right away. Zuko was clearly bothered by it—or at least <em>something</em>, based on his disheveled appearance—and stayed silent as he picked off a few of the smaller grapes and tossed them into the pond, watching as three baby turtle ducks and their mother swam over to eat their treats. Something in Zuko’s eyes seemed to turn from bothered to sad as he continued to free the grapes from their stems, gently throwing them into the water for the animals to eat, but Sokka couldn’t place what it was, nor did he have the heart to ask.</p><p>“So, here’s the thing.” Zuko looked down to his hands, not so much as glancing in Sokka’s direction before he went on. “I’m not technically supposed to be working or even getting out of bed right now, but I figured a walk wouldn’t kill me, right? That sounds weird, I know, but some things went down last week and my physician sort of… banned me from my duties? And I’m the Fire Lord so I just elected to ignore her, but everyone else thinks I should listen so they postponed all the meetings we had scheduled and I tried to get them to come talk to me anyway but they all keep refusing and— basically, all this has been way blown out of proportion, leaving me with a <em>lot</em> of free time. I would really like to help your people and I have so much time to do it, so if you just tell me what you need, I’m sure we can make arrangements.”</p><p>“Oh.” Suddenly, Sokka felt like an even bigger idiot for showing up unannounced. Zuko was apparently going through a lot, and he was there interrupting and making things more difficult for no good reason. That considered, he decided to do his best not to burden Zuko with deeper lies and pushed past the subject for the time being. “That’s fine honestly, thanks. We can figure it out later. But is everything okay? Your physician seriously tried to stop you from doing your duties as Fire Lord?”</p><p>“Yeah. The nerve of it, right?” He sighed, tossing another three grapes into the water. Zuko stared down at his crossed legs for a few more seconds before turning to Sokka, his face flat. “Seriously though, everything is fine. They’re all just overreacting. It’s not even a real sentiment either, they’re just looking out for the nation. They don’t care about me because of me, they care about me because I’m the Fire Lord. Which is fine, you know, that’s what I pay them for, but it just makes it so much more annoying when you realize they’re canceling their meetings because they think they’re helping the nation but it’s just delaying all the shit I was working on.”</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>Admittedly, a large part of the reason Sokka kept asking questions was to divert attention away from himself, but Zuko didn’t seem to notice. “A lot of smaller things, mostly, but I was supposed to start rewriting and repealing a bunch of laws this week and now my scribes and advisors have all suddenly gone on vacation so I can’t really do that. Not unless I want to do it myself, which would basically be asking for the laws to get fucked up, and that’s not exactly what I’m going for with this.”</p><p>“Well, can you get them back?” asked Sokka, furrowing his brow. “Like, threaten to fire them if they don’t come back? Job-wise or bending-wise, depending on how mad you are.”</p><p>“I mean, I could, yeah, but I’m kind of trying <em>not </em>to be a dick. Which, by the way,” he sighed, tossing another grape into the pond and watching as the baby turtle ducks swam towards it, “is a lot harder than it looks. You wouldn’t believe how ignorant some people can be.”</p><p>“Oh, don’t I? Did I ever tell you about that time we got stuck in a cave with a bunch of nomads who made me slap my own forehead so many times it turned pink? No? Well, I did, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg, buddy.”</p><p>Zuko snorted. “Anyway, do you have a place to stay? We have space in the guest rooms if you want to hang around. I’ll have the chefs make us something to eat and then we can talk about the trades and whatnot over dinner, if that sounds all right with you?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah, sure.” Sokka nodded along, hoping he’d be able to either get up the nerve to admit why he was really there, or come up with a less embarrassing lie by the time they sat down to eat. “That sounds great.”</p><p>“Okay, then. I have to take care of some things, but you remember how to get around the palace, right? Come to my chambers in like an hour and I should be good for dinner.”</p><p>“All right. Thanks again for doing this, Zuko, it means a lot to me. And my dad, who sent me here, of course.”</p><p>“I don’t remember you saying thanks a first time, but you’re welcome.” He smiled, but something about it felt forced. “I’ll see you in a bit.”</p><p>Sokka waved lamely before he turned away, heading into the palace for the first time in months. He covered his face with his hands as he trailed off down the familiar hallway, preventing himself from seeing Zuko flop backward onto the grass behind him; every trace of happiness devoid from his eyes.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Needless to say, Sokka spent the better part of that hour trying to figure out what the fuck he was going to do.</p><p>Yes, he was kind of in the middle of a life crisis. No, that did not give him the excuse to keep making half-witted decisions and lying to people he cared about. Yes, he was going through a lot, and his stomach often churned from keeping so much bottled up. No, that did not mean he was allowed to let his mouth say whatever it wanted to just because his mind was busy wandering off somewhere else. Yes, he was still early into his fibs and if he confessed to what happened right away then they would stay fibs instead of becoming hurtful lies. No, that did not make him any more eager to actually do that. Yes, he ignored every sane thought he had and let himself work on an elaborate story which would hopefully cover any questions that Zuko decided to ask. No, he did not think about the potential repercussions of that.</p><p>Just over an hour later, when he realized he’d completely missed the time that Zuko had requested to meet him, Sokka wandered out of the room; asking several random palace guards and servants where Zuko’s chambers were on the way (he had a good memory, but no one could remember every room in that place). Once he arrived, he knocked awkwardly on the door, wondering exactly how formal he was meant to be with the guy he still kind of saw as his dramatic angsty friend from the final days of the war. Thankfully, when Zuko opened the door he didn’t seem interested in being even remotely professional, as his hair was no longer tied up at all and rather than his robes from before, he was wearing black lounge pants and a worn-out, long-sleeved red shirt.</p><p>“Are you wearing lounge pants?” asked Sokka, his face twisting in surprise.</p><p>Zuko rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I am. I was wearing them earlier too; you just didn’t realize because I had the robes on over them. You see, one of the first things I learned as Fire Lord is that you need clever disguises or else you never get to be comfortable. Also, that if you’re the youngest Fire Lord in history and supposedly the last good thing to come out of your bloodline, people will do fucking anything to keep you safe. It’s honestly pretty annoying.”</p><p>“That’s… nice? Sorry, I honestly have no idea how to respond to that.”</p><p>“You don’t have to respond; I was just rambling. Sorry.” He shrugged and wandered over to his desk, folding a sheet of paper three times before sliding it into one of the drawers to his left. He sat down in his chair and spun around, one leg on either side of it as he rested his arms on top of the back and his chin on top of his arms. “The chefs are bringing food. I don’t know what. I just said to make something with meat since I know you like it.”</p><p>“Oh, great.” Sokka frowned, his forehead wrinkling when he fully registered what he’d just heard. “Wait, the food is coming <em>here</em>? That whole giant dining room and you eat your meals in <em>here</em>?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah?” It may have been the wrong thing to say. Suddenly, Zuko looked uncomfortable, his face flushing a pale shade of pink. “I know I have a whole giant dining room, but I don’t have anyone to eat with, so it’s just kind of depressing. We can go over there if you want, it’s just that I usually leave it for when I have guests. You know, like, enough to fill at least half the table instead of me just sitting on my own at one end.”</p><p>“No, no, in here is fine. I was just curious.”</p><p>He strode over to the window near Zuko’s desk, sitting down on the cushion-covered bench set beside it. Zuko’s chambers were definitely different than the last time he remembered seeing them. The walls, floors, and staple furniture was all the same, but something about it felt… bigger. Though there was more stuff in there—more pictures, as well as decorative pieces, seating, and definitely pillows—something about it made it feel like it wasn’t just a place to sleep, but a place to live. Sokka didn’t entirely like the implications of it, but preferred to imagine that Zuko just had a really nice set up because he was rich and could afford to do that for a room he didn’t even spend that much time in.</p><p>“So, this is where the magic happens, huh?” said Sokka, nodding towards Zuko’s desk.</p><p>At first Zuko made a face, but relaxed when he saw where Sokka was gesturing. “I mean, I mostly just write letters in here, but sometimes I have to work overtime and then the stuff happens there. I wouldn’t really call it magic so much as shit-I’m-obligated-to-do-that-sometimes-gets-interesting, but whatever you want to label it, I guess.”</p><p>“What’s that, then?”</p><p>He pointed to a stack of papers shoved to one side of Zuko’s desk, which looked particularly dull and threatening. It was definitely something to do with the affairs of the nation and though there was little chance either of them would want to talk about it, Sokka’s natural curiosity had again taken over and he failed to stop himself asking the question before it was out of his mouth. Still, it wasn’t like they had much to go off of at the moment, so a conversation starter wasn’t the worst thing in the world.</p><p>“What, that?” Zuko spun back around in his chair, his right leg still hanging off the side of it rather awkwardly as he reached forward to slide the stack of papers closer to him. He held them up to show Sokka, shrugging lamely as he did so. “It’s a list of every law currently in place in the Fire Nation. I mentioned before that I’m having some of them repealed and revised, so this is what I’ve been going through as I make my decisions. It was a lot easier when my advisors were actually willing to meet with me, but I’m not delaying this just because they think I need time off. People are suffering and it needs to stop.”</p><p>“I know what you mean.” No, Zuko being forced to take time off from leading his nation was not quite the same as Sokka being encouraged to take time off from co-leading his tribe, but still. He related to some of the stuff he was saying pretty heavily. “So, what kind of laws are you getting rid of? Like, how are you making your decisions? I can’t imagine it’s easy, going through all of that. You’re making choices for tens of thousands of people, maybe even more.”</p><p>He gave Sokka a look. “Yeah, I know. That’s why I’ve gone through them so many times. I have a few stacks here, actually. This one is ‘to be reviewed’, this one is ‘needs an update’, this one is ‘I have no idea what to do about this’, this one is ‘definitely getting repealed’, and this one is ‘how the fuck did this ever get passed in the first place and which one of my ass-faced ancestors was responsible for it?’ As you can see, I haven’t gotten through a lot of them yet, but it’s getting there.”</p><p>“Oh, okay. Well, let me see the ones you’re still looking at.” He leapt off his seat, placing his right hand on the desk and his left on the back of Zuko’s chair as he leaned over his shoulder, inspecting the different stacks of paper he was referring to. The short piles were all lined up like he’d said, though they weren’t labeled, so Sokka had to assume they were organized in the same order that Zuko had listed them in. “Wait, there’s a law that bans dancing in schools? Seriously? In some parts of the nation, kids are legally not allowed to dance for six to eight hours a day.”</p><p>“Yeah, seriously.” Zuko nodded, glancing up at Sokka with an almost knowing look on his face. “You’re going to put it in the ‘definitely getting repealed’ pile, aren’t you?”</p><p>“‘Definitely getting repealed’? No.” He took the sheet of paper off the top of the stack and shifted it to the far right of Zuko’s desk. “This is absolutely ‘how the fuck did this ever get passed in the first place and which one of your ass-faced ancestors was responsible for it’ material. I mean, come on. I’m not really a dancing guy myself but how can you possibly hate it so much that you feel the need to pass a law banning <em>kids </em>from doing it? No fun allowed, much?”</p><p>“I mean, you’ve met me, right? You’d think by now, you’d understand that the Fire Nation up to this point has pretty much been the epitome of ‘no fun allowed’ unless we’re talking torture, murder, or genocide. Not that I think those things are fun! Oh, fuck, no. Sorry, that really got away from me. I don’t— I don’t think those things are fun. I’m actually working on getting a holiday instated to fix that too. Not that I can fix it, but I’m trying to do the best I can to make up for—”</p><p>“Zuko, relax. I get it. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”</p><p>As it turned out, he didn’t quite have time to either, as he didn’t get a chance to respond before a knock on the door interrupted. Sokka ran over to open it, taking their food from the servant gratefully. He then closed the door and turned back to Zuko, sliding the food on the desk in front of him and consequently pushing the stacks of paper closer to the wall. Zuko gave him a look which appeared bothered by the fact that he’d just shifted away hours of work, possibly mixing up all the papers, but Sokka just shrugged and grabbed a leg of meat before hopping back onto the bench by the window behind him. Zuko pushed his own chair back with his feet, pulling a footrest out from beneath the desk and shoving it between him and Sokka before placing the tray on top of it and turning his attention to his desk, shifting the papers back into place.</p><p>Though it started as somewhat of a joke and Sokka’s curiosity moving faster than his filter, working their way through the various laws of the Fire Nation ended up being surprisingly fun. They both made enough humorous comments to keep themselves entertained (it was basically impossible to make Zuko laugh, Sokka knew, but he got at least two small smiles), and they managed to make it through a number of laws in just over an hour. Of course, they did throw a significant amount of them into the ‘I have no idea what to do about this’ pile to revisit later, but still. It was progress.</p><p>Even while he was having fun and finally relaxing, Sokka found that his mind was again wandering off without him, as he couldn’t help but feel something was wrong. Well, he knew <em>something </em>was wrong, since Zuko’s physician had apparently declared him ill enough to need time off, he just didn’t realize what that might have meant until he ate three legs of meet and numerous sides, while Zuko couldn’t have had more than a handful of various berries (although it was worth noting that he consumed an almost inhuman amount of tea). Sokka didn’t say anything about it but wondered whether Zuko even noticed that he wasn’t eating enough or was just oblivious to what he was doing. Knowing Zuko and having been in both of those places himself, Sokka felt that either of them could be good guesses, but he didn’t know for sure and didn’t think it was his place to mention it when they were just reconnecting after months of not seeing each other.</p><p>“Okay, what about this one?” asked Zuko, shifting in his seat. He was clearly not used to sitting in the chair without his footrest readily available, constantly adjusting the positioning of his legs, but he didn’t mention it. He looked to the paper in his hands, his eyes scanning over the words several times before he spoke. “This enables curfews for people of every age. I don’t know that I’m entirely against a curfew, but some of these are kind of strict too, so I’m not sure what to do about it. Update pile? Or should I put it with the ones to review later because I wasn’t really your average kid and probably have a terrible view on what a reasonable curfew is?”</p><p>“I mean, it’s probably a good idea to update it,” said Sokka, leaning forward as he attempted to read the page from a distance. His vision wasn’t the best, however, and he failed to read it from so far back and eventually gave up; turning his attention to the other matter at hand. He hoped that a little nudge would push Zuko in the right direction, as it so often did for him back at the tribe. “We can still look at it again later, though. You should take a break and eat something. You’ve hardly had any dinner.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t even glance up, too busy rereading the paper in front of him. “No, I’m fine.”</p><p>“If you say so.” He didn’t buy it, but still didn’t think it was his place to push him any further. Especially not if it turned out to be the former situation—for him, that only ever made it worse. “Is there any one of the age groups that you’re really stuck on? Because it’s probably easier if you just take it step by step instead of trying to rework the thing as a whole. Just start with like, babies or something, and then figure out what to do from there.”</p><p>“You know what’s really funny is that you think you just made a joke, but there’s literally a curfew for babies on here.”</p><p>Sokka’s jaw dropped so far it practically hit the ground, and he all but leapt out of his seat to rush back over to Zuko’s desk, again placing one hand on the back of his chair as he leaned over his shoulder to read about the current law. Exactly as Zuko claimed, there was a paragraph on it instituting a curfew for children aged 0-2, who were apparently supposed to be in their houses by eight o’clock every night or face punishment in the form of a fine (which would be paid for by their parents in the event the ‘offender’ could not afford it). Sokka read and reread it several times over, too shocked by the fact that such a law existed to genuinely believe it the first time he read the page.</p><p>“Okay, no offense to you,” he started, his hand still on Zuko’s chair as he leaned back, stepping away from the paper, “but your ancestors are insane. Seriously. Who puts a curfew on a baby? And then expects them to pay a fine if they’re out too late? That’s just insane. Babies don’t have money. They’re babies! Put that in the ‘needs an update’ stack. Regardless of what you do for the other curfews, that baby one needs to go. Parents don’t need to be fined because they couldn’t get a babysitter to bring their kid home by sundown. That’s just ridiculous.”</p><p>“Point taken.” Zuko slid the paper into the stack Sokka suggested, not questioning it once. “The next one is another school one, requiring that all students follow the…”</p><p>As Zuko slid back into their new routine of him reading the laws to Sokka before they got into either a banter match or a heated debate over its contents, Sokka flopped back onto his little bench by the window and got comfortable. It was weird, that he was so relaxed when they were getting into arguments over the stupidest things and discussing nothing but politics which hardly even affected him, but Sokka was really enjoying it. He liked spending time with Zuko. No pity stares, no concerned comments, no strings attached—just genuine fun, laughter, and good conversation. It was honestly really great, and upon getting into a slightly off topic argument with Zuko about exactly how much of the arts should be a learning requirement, he found that, regardless of what spurred his spontaneous decision, he was really glad he decided to go to the Fire Nation.</p><p>Sure, Zuko was stubborn and it took time to get him to come around on some of the more particular issues, but it was fun. It was everything he wanted to do back at the Southern Water Tribe, but his voice was really heard. He was in a place where he didn’t have to speak in public and wouldn’t stumble over his words, and there was just <em>one </em>malleable person to persuade rather than the entire goddamn population of the tribe. Given the subject matter, it shouldn’t have been fun or relaxing, but it was. Their jokes were fun, their banter was fun, even their <em>arguments </em>were fun.</p><p>It wasn’t the vacation he’d imagined when he left the tribe, but in a way, Sokka kind of liked this one better.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They managed to get through half the first stack of laws before someone broke into the room and knocked Zuko out cold.</p><p>At least, that was the way he preferred to remember it, as someone making a spontaneous yet harmless attack on the Fire Lord was far less embarrassing than passing out on his desk and being dragged into bed. Because, of course, that stupid, humiliating little detail was the last thing he remembered from the night before. One second his arms were on the desk in front of him, acting as a pillow for his head, and the next thing he knew one of them was draped around Sokka’s shoulders as his friend ushered him to bed. He vaguely remembered Sokka draping a blanket over him as well and thoroughly prayed none of it was real, until he woke up the next morning and found that he was, in fact, lying in bed covered by his duvet. Great.</p><p>Zuko shoved his hair out of his face, yawning as he slid back against the wall behind him. He expected to be alone, but to his surprise turned to the left to find that Sokka was still in his room; curled up on the bench with his head resting against the window, totally asleep. His wolftail was notably messed up and the front of his hair was frizzy, likely from leaning against the glass the entire night. He’d kicked his shoes off at some point during their work and they were still lying on the floor, leaving him barefoot on the deep red cushions, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his stomach. Zuko felt almost bad that he didn’t take a blanket for himself and grabbed a quilt from his own bed to drape over Sokka, deciding to return the favor his friend had done for him.</p><p>Once he’d settled that, Zuko glanced at the hand mirror on his bedside table, making a face when he saw his tangled hair. He grabbed a tie after placing the mirror back down, not bothering to comb it before he dragged it into a ponytail, opting to grab a sleep robe off the edge of his bed rather than bother with actually getting dressed. He nearly left the room but stopped himself, instead going over to his desk and whipping out a blank sheet of paper. He dipped his utensil in ink, writing out a quick, slightly scrawly letter for Sokka to find once he woke up, so he’d know he was still entirely welcome at the palace and had only been left alone because his stupid friend was the stupid Fire Lord and had stupid things to deal with all day every day. He hoped the letter was good enough and dropped it on his footstool which was still stationed between his desk and the bench.</p><p>
  <em>Had to run for Fire Lord stuff, please ask the chefs for breakfast! I’ll meet up with you for lunch and we can discuss the trades.</em>
</p><p>Zuko felt a bit bad that they’d gotten so distracted by his problems the night before that they hadn’t gotten around to Sokka’s, and he wanted to make it clear that he still recognized what his friend was doing there and that they were going to work on it. Just because he was busy dealing with his own bullshit didn’t mean he didn’t care about Sokka or his family or the rest of the Southern Water Tribe. Especially since he had so many meetings postponed for the next couple weeks, he would definitely be able to find the time to work with Sokka on what needed to happen. Zuko was determined to make sure that the tribe was taken care of for the winter, especially having heard how harsh the weather can get that far south.</p><p>While he’d said in his letter that he had ‘Fire Lord stuff’ to take care of, the truth was that Zuko had absolutely nothing he was required to attend to that morning and was pretty much just wandering around the empty palace. It was nothing like he remembered as a kid. Back then, there were so many guards and servants lurking around that he couldn’t get away with anything. Now, there was almost no one. Half of them were gone because they were boycotting his ability to work for one to two weeks based on the physician’s orders, and the other half were just… not there. It was kind of his fault, as he despised being surprised by people’s unexpected appearances and requested they not just wander the halls, but still. It was strange not having people everywhere. It was just so empty and quiet and lonely and sure, Sokka was there for a few days, but once he left it was just going to be Zuko again. Stuck on his own, not even capable of getting his own sister to visit.</p><p>(Of course, he’d accepted that Azula was going to need a lot of time to get over what happened between them for pretty much their entire childhoods, not to mention around Sozin’s Comet. He was still working through some of his bad blood with her too, though he knew he’d drawn the long straw, having ended up on the winning side of the war and getting the entire nation for himself. He’d managed to put himself in her shoes for long enough to recognize that they were young and abused and just needed to get over themselves because their parents—<em>both</em> of their parents, as impossible as it was for Zuko to admit it—were the problem, not them, and he hoped Azula could figure that out too. She was around the same age he’d been when he finally turned to the light side, so a part of him was hoping she’d come around soon; if only to keep him company in the gigantic, empty palace.)</p><p>Still, Zuko didn’t complain about it. He got lonely sometimes, sure. He had a lot of thoughts he would love to get out in a real conversation with someone who actually cared, instead of just babbling outside Azula’s door or onto a page that Iroh would never read; but he acknowledged his privilege and, as long as there were people suffering in his villages and in other parts of the world because of the Fire Nation, he refused to make things about himself. He was not as important as all those people and as much as his physician may have tried to convince him otherwise, he was not important enough to deserve time off for his health of all things when there were still countless larger matters that needed to be dealt with. Countless people who were suffering and deserved his time and energy far more than he did. He would rest when they were all safe and happy, but no sooner than that.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko?” Speak of the devil, it was the palace physician, Shin, who called to him; turning out of an adjourning corridor to catch up with the Fire Lord. “I was just coming in to check on you. I thought we’d agreed you would be getting more rest?”</p><p>“I told you, I’m not going on bed rest.” Zuko told her, his voice flat. “I’m not even doing anything right now; I’m just going for a walk. It’s fine. It’s not the end of the world.”</p><p>“Okay, but you need to make sure you’re still getting enough sleep. Looking at your eyes, I can tell you’re not doing that. How do you feel today? Any stress or other concerns? You been doing a better job remembering to eat?”</p><p>He nodded. “I had one whole meal yesterday and I got almost four hours of sleep. I am <em>great.</em> Amazing. Could not be better.”</p><p>“Zuko, dear, I’ve been the palace physician since your mother gave birth to you. I don’t appreciate the tone.” Of course, it was for that exact reason that Zuko used the tone in the first place, so he only rolled his eyes. “I know what you’re thinking but I’m not trying to annoy you, I’m just doing my job. Regardless of what you seem to believe, you can’t be there for your people if you’re not there for yourself. Your health is not a matter to be taken lightly.”</p><p>“I’m <em>fine</em>. I know I look like hell but I’m on my way to get breakfast right now. It might not seem like it but I’m trying really hard, so please just loosen up, okay? There are things that need to get done in this nation that aren’t happening because <em>you </em>convinced people I shouldn’t be talking to them and that’s bullshit. I’m capable of working and getting better at the same time. We don’t have to shut down the whole fucking government.”</p><p>“All right, well, you’re the Fire Lord so it’s your call. I’m just giving you an educated piece of advice on what would be the best for the stability of your health and therefore the stability of your nation and its future. Please don’t ignore that. And keep an eye on that tongue of yours, I’m sure your public relations team would not be pleased to hear you saying those words.”</p><p>In response, Zuko merely nodded and turned around to resume his stride down the hall, one finger held up behind him as he walked away from her. He wasn’t exactly <em>trying </em>to be an asshole, but he was hungry and sleep-deprived, and things happened. He could feel bad about it later, after he’d done whatever he was going to do that definitely wasn’t eating breakfast because how the hell was he meant to stomach any kind of food after <em>that </em>confrontation? Not that he was making excuses not to take care of himself but it just didn’t feel like a great time to be consuming anything, when he was all stressed from that bitch acting like his mother when she had no business brining her up at all because if there was one thing he couldn’t deal with it was the fact that search parties had been out for ages at that point and he’d questioned his father a thousand times and still nobody on the entire planned seemed to have a goddamn clue where the hell his mother was or what the hell had happened to her.</p><p>Suddenly confident in where he was going, Zuko changed directions to go down a different hallway, turning off into the same corridor he’d walked down countless times as a child. He used to be accompanied by Azula and one or more teachers, but that time was long gone and now it was just him and one very large, very empty training room for him to take out all his frustrations on. He glanced over his shoulder before he slid into the room, not wanting anyone else to follow him in there let alone know where he was, then dropped his robe onto the floor; kicking off his shoes and yanking his shirt off over his head before he shoved it to the side against the wall near the door. He took a deep breath, running towards the middle of the room and doing a remarkably over-dramatic front flip to start his session.</p><p>There was nothing like firebending to let out pent up frustrations. With just one flip, his feet kicking fire into the air as he flew across the dark, hard ground, Zuko felt a weight being lifted from his chest. He continued with some routine katas for a good half hour, repeating the comfortingly familiar sequences over and over, occasionally stopping to practice a particular move or do something a bit more over the top. Ever since he was a kid, he’d always made his training sessions a tad fancy, though it took him years to actually get good at it. He didn’t do it because he had a flair for the dramatic or anything (though, admittedly, he kind of did), but because when he was younger he was always somewhat of a theater nerd and he adored just how extravagant the actors looked on stage. It no longer had the same impact on him, but the old obsession left him with habits he doubted he’d ever lose.</p><p>As he fell back into another kata, Zuko realized that the worst part about what was afflicting him was that he couldn’t pin down what it was. It was just a constant feeling of worthlessness and guilt that lingered inside him for as long as he could remember, though it was less prevalent when he was around people who cared for him. But without his friends or his uncle, he had no one. Just the voice in his head that said no matter what he did, he was a fucking failure. No matter what he did, he would never be able to make up for the horrible mistakes he’d made in his past. He was useless, inferior, and incapable of making the Fire Nation the place it deserved to be. Nothing he did would be enough because no regardless of how hard he tried to distance himself from it, he was still Ozai’s son and the banished prince and all those terrible things that people remembered him for and he would never be able to get past them no matter how great of a Fire Lord he became which wasn’t even happening because he was shit and he was useless and he was weak and he was—</p><p>—yelling to himself in the middle of a big empty room like he’d lost his fucking mind.</p><p>Carefully, Zuko lifted his head, dragging his hands down his cheeks to clear what he was entirely convinced was just sweat. He blinked several times, glancing around the room to again ensure that there was nobody around to ser his breakdown, and breathed out a sigh of relief when he confirmed there wasn’t. Just because <em>he </em>knew he was weak didn’t mean he wanted the rest of the world to know it. So, instead of sitting there until someone wandered in and found him shaking on his knees, Zuko inhaled deeply, rose to his feet, and exhaled only to experience one of the harshest and most unexpected feelings of lightheadedness he’d ever had. Suddenly, eating didn’t seem like such a bad idea, though he felt sick from his workout and figured it would probably be best to leave it until lunch time, just to make sure his stomach was settled enough to keep it down.</p><p>As it was still a few hours until lunch, Zuko decided to kill some time wandering around the palace in his robe and lounge pants; his slippers in one hand and his shirt still discarded somewhere on the training room floor. He dismissed the small talk the palace servants tried to have with him but managed to keep a somewhat cheery look on his face (not counting the few times he’d come into contact with someone who postponed a meeting on him, at which point he flat out ignored them unashamedly). Once he ran out of places to wander, he stopped by the turtle duck pond, just sitting beneath the tree, and watching them swim around. No one tried to bother him while he was out there. They passed by, doing this and that, but none of them waved or made small talk. None of them even acknowledged he was there.</p><p>He chalked it up to the magic of the turtle ducks.</p><p>Zuko was on his way to find Sokka when he was stopped next, this time being pulled over in the hallway by his intolerable advisor, Manzo. He wanted to ignore the man and keep going but he was unfortunately one of the more important people Zuko worked with, and was very in charge of his professional image which meant that whatever he was being pulled over for was likely something to do with that and not something he could ignore. Still, he hesitated before actually turning around, wanting more than anything to pretend he hadn’t heard the man call out to him.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko.” When Manzo bowed to him, Zuko bowed back, though it felt a bit half-assed. “I’m glad I ran into you. I was just in my chambers looking through a list of possible solutions, and I’m on my way to consult with some specialists about them now. I have six meetings lined up for today alone. And don’t worry, everything is entirely confidential. I had the scribes line up some terms they’ll all be required to comply with, so—”</p><p>“Sorry, what?” Zuko made a face, pushing a hand through his hair as if getting it out of his face would somehow help him to hear better. “I don’t— I don’t know what you’re talking about. Solutions for what? Who are you meeting with?”</p><p>“Teachers, coaches, and other, similar specialists who say they can help correct the issues you’re having with your public image.”</p><p>“We tried that, and it didn’t work.” His heart pounded in his chest in a response he could only describe as fear, as wrong as it seemed. It wasn’t the first time they’d suggested he needed to be ‘fixed’, but the solutions didn’t work. It never worked and every time they tried another method, he just came out feeling like a bigger failure. “You can act like there’s a cure out there somewhere, but we tried it and it didn’t work. <em>Four times</em>. I’m not just going to magically get better at this so we might as well just let it go. My uncle always told me that I’m awkward because I’m young and I’ll grow out of it. So, I know I get weird around people sometimes, but it’s not a big deal, okay? I’ll figure it out. I just need more time.”</p><p>“We don’t have more time, Fire Lord Zuko,” Manzo told him flatly, crossing his large arms against his chest. “That’s why I’m trying to get you help. I understand you don’t believe these behavioral issues to be a big deal, but they are. You need to present yourself as a strong, confident leader, and that’s not how you’re coming off right now. The way you shake when you’re talking to people and your voice cracks when you give speeches tells the people that you’re weak. The Fire Lord cannot be weak. When your father was—”</p><p>“Don’t you <em>ever </em>compare me to my father!” He didn’t exactly mean to shoot fire at his adviser, but the flames that blew out of his foot when he stomped forward, hands clenched into tight fists, kind of had a mind of their own. “If you ever say <em>anything </em>like that again, I will have you banned from this palace, do you understand? You do not talk about my father. <em>Especially </em>if you’re implying that anything he did was in any way good.”</p><p>“I’m not saying he himself was good, I’m just saying he had a wonderfully royal image and if you could separate the man from his actions, there’s a lot about him that you could learn from to improve your—”</p><p>“Get out.” Manzo froze where he stood, not saying a word. His eyes opened in alarm, like he was somehow surprised at Zuko’s outburst after the heinous shit that he pulled. “<em>Get out!</em> I never want to see your face in this palace again!”</p><p>‘Behavioral issues’ or not, Zuko was still the Fire Lord, and Manzo respected what he said immediately. He turned and hurried down the hall, disappearing in the direction of the nearest exit. Once he’d vanished from sight, Zuko stumbled backwards and slid down the wall behind him, his chest rising and falling heavily as he struggled to regain his breath. Somehow, he’d gotten more adrenaline from that short interaction than from his entire training session combined.</p><p>Thankfully, he wasn’t freaking out this time, just seething with rage. After having him on the throne for nearly three years, Zuko thought everyone would understand that his father was not to be mentioned. That of all things which were off-limits to discuss, he was above and beyond them all. Where there were exceptions for other things, circumstances where they could be brought up, there were <em>no </em>exceptions for Ozai. Outside of meetings regarding horrible things he’d done to the nation, he was not mentioned, he was not referenced, and above all else, <em>he was not compared to Zuko</em>.</p><p>His feelings regarding his father were complicated and beyond articulation. He’d given up a long time ago, trying to explain to people that to discuss him in a political setting as a piece of shit, insane, failure Fire Lord was fine, but even <em>mentioning </em>him in a casual setting was going too far. It was just too difficult for people to understand. Generally, Zuko liked to believe he moved past his childhood traumas but when it came to things like that, his repression had reached a point where even <em>he</em> recognized it as unhealthy; he just didn’t care.</p><p>“Zuko? Are you all right?”</p><p>There was exactly one word that entered his mind when he heard the voice, and that was ‘<em>fuck</em>’. He looked up quickly, only to see Sokka standing in front of him, wearing Fire Nation clothing that was closer to fancy than casual. The look on his face was clearly concerned, his brow furrowed and a slight frown on his lips. For some reason, Zuko didn’t stand up, stuck on his place against the wall despite Sokka looming over him. It took him a minute to find the courage to say something, swallowing hard before he finally responded.</p><p>“Mm.” He nodded, doing his best to put on a convincing gaze. “I was just taking your advice.”</p><p>“What?” Sokka made a face. “What advice?”</p><p>“I just fired one of my advisors.”</p><p>“Oh. Bending-wise or job-wise?”</p><p>“Both, sort of.” He hesitated, glancing down to his feet. “I bending-fired him as a kind of accidental threat and then he pissed me off again, so he got job-fired. You should have seen him running out of here a minute ago, it was ridiculous. Anyway, uh, what are you doing here?”</p><p>“I was looking for you, actually.” Sokka shrugged and sat down on the floor beside Zuko, sighing calmly as he looked up and down the grand corridors around them. He hadn’t noticed it the night before but something about Sokka seemed off, like he wasn’t as happy as he was supposed to be. “You said we’d meet for lunch, but one of your servants took me over there and you never showed up, so…”</p><p>“Oh, sorry. I was on my way and then I ran into the dumbass I just fired, and I got distracted. Do you mind if we put off the trade talks another day? I’m just all over the place right now, and we can still have lunch or whatever, but I don’t know if I can do this right now. I mean, if you need to do it today that’s fine, I just don’t think I’m in the best place for us to be negotiating—”</p><p>“It’s fine, Zuko. Let’s just get something to eat. Come on.”</p><p>They made their way over to the dining room, where lunch was already waiting for them on the table. Just the smell of it alone made Zuko’s stomach churn but he knew he needed to do better for himself, so he sat down at the table regardless. Sokka sat in the seat to his right, dragging his plate across the table from where it’d been placed on the left. He didn’t explain why, and Zuko didn’t ask. He vastly preferred that people sit on his right side anyway.</p><p>Though he told himself he was going to try harder, Zuko drank nearly three cups of tea before he finally got the nerve to actually eat something. It was only a piece of bread and he broke it apart into such small pieces that his mouth barely registered the taste, but it was <em>something </em>and he was proud of himself for making it that far. He was going to get better. He was confident in his work and soon he would be confident with himself too; exactly the way the people needed him to be.</p><p>“Hey, uh, Zuko?” Sokka jerked him from his thoughts, and he nearly dropped his cup from how startled he was by the shattered silence. He only nodded, giving Sokka space to go on, though something about his body language seemed reluctant and uncomfortable. Again, Zuko found himself wondering whether something happened, but he didn’t want to interrupt. “After I woke up, I was going through a few more of those laws—I sorted out a few more obvious ones, hope that’s okay—and I kind of had a question about one? And it’s totally okay if you don’t want to answer, I’m not trying to question your judgment or anything and I don’t even know why I’m asking, I’m just kind of… curious? I guess? I—”</p><p>“Sokka, it’s fine. I trust you.” He placed his cup back on the table, replacing his tea with the same piece of bread he’d yet to finish, picking at it slowly. Why was it so damn hard to get himself to eat? “You can question my judgment all you want. If you’re right, I’d prefer it coming from you now rather than the entire nation later.”</p><p>“Okay. Well, it’s—it’s kind of about one that you didn’t make a decision on yet. It was in the pile to review later—I was curious what you’d gone through already—and I guess I was just wondering why you put it there? Because maybe we look at it differently, but it seems to me like it’s pretty much a repeal one? And I don’t want to be too forward about it since people are really widespread on the issue but I’m from the Water Tribe and even I think people should—”</p><p>“Stop. Just stop.” Zuko dropped the rest of his bread back onto this plate, putting his hands on his head and pushing them back through his hair, almost clinging to it as he held his head. He sighed deeply, trying to find a way to articulate the thoughts he didn’t think he’d have to be expressing that day. “I think I know which one you’re talking about, and if you’re worried I’m not doing it because I don’t approve of it, I’m only holding off on that one because it’s been in place for over a century and I don’t know how the people are going to react. I’m trying to figure it out, but it’s not as cut and dry as it seems.”</p><p>“But it <em>is</em>. Even if you get a little backlash from it, far more good will come out of repealing it than—”</p><p>Apparently it was just not the day for Sokka to finish his thoughts, because when Zuko finally allowed him to keep going, someone else strode into the room and cut him off. Mai gave Sokka a look when she passed by and stopped behind Zuko, her hands on his shoulders as she leaned around to speak to him quietly. It was a terrible idea and, honestly, Zuko was fairly sure Sokka could hear her more clearly than he could, but he didn’t bother to point that out; turning his head to see and hear her better.</p><p>“Hey.” Her tone was dry as ever which made it impossible for Zuko to predict why she was there. “My mom brought Tom-Tom to see your physician and I thought I’d come along. You know what’s funny? Your servants told me you were having lunch, but it looks like you’re just drowning yourself in tea again.”</p><p>“I’m not,” Zuko argued, not bothering to keep his voice down. It was easy for mumbling or soft speech to get past Zuko, but Sokka wasn’t almost deaf on one side. Pretending he couldn’t hear was pointless. “I was just eating before you came in.”</p><p>Mai rolled her eyes and slid around Zuko’s shoulder, looking to the guest on his other side. “Sokka, has he eaten at all since you’ve been here? And be honest, I know when he’s lying.”</p><p>“He’s had… bread. And berries,” Sokka answered awkwardly. He was clearly in a tough position—not wanting to break Zuko’s trust but being rightfully afraid of Mai. “And a <em>lot </em>of tea. I’ve only been here for like, a day, and he’s had probably twelve gallons of it.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Okay, I’m going to go find my mom and make sure she’s not losing it over a fever. Please eat something, Zuko. I don’t care how much therapy you put her through, I don’t want Azula on the throne.”</p><p>With that, she slid back out of the room, leaving Sokka and Zuko alone in an uncomfortable silence. Sokka stared straight down at his food, clearly having no idea how to proceed, and Zuko was thankful because he had no clue what he was supposed to do either. They sat there for several painfully long seconds, each picking at their food awkwardly, until Sokka finally broke the silence with the most casual small talk.</p><p>“I thought you guys broke up?” he said. Something about his tone was off, Zuko realized, but he still didn’t know whether he should say anything. Sokka was probably just tired from his trip and sleeping on Zuko’s shitty bench.</p><p>“We did, but she’s still my friend and a noble, so she hangs around sometimes.” Zuko broke a couple pieces off his bread but didn’t eat any more of it. He felt bad for giving up, but he’d managed to get a few bites down and hoped that was enough. “How did you know that? I haven’t told anyone.”</p><p>“Ty Lee told Suki and Suki told me.” Sokka shrugged lamely. It wasn’t just his tone that felt off, it was his <em>face</em>. Like his blue eyes lost that distinctly Sokka twinkle, and his mouth failed to grin as much as it used to. “It was a whole thing.”</p><p>“Oh, all right.” The small talk ended too soon, and Zuko found himself stuck again, his heart pounding unnecessarily as he rushed to fill the silence before Sokka could ask any questions about what Mai said. “Anyway, I have some shit I have to take care of this afternoon, but I can meet with you first thing in the morning to discuss the trades, if that’s good?”</p><p>“Yeah, of course. You’re the Fire Lord, I think that’s more up to you than me.”</p><p>“Then we can do it in the morning unless you don’t want to because I might be the Fire Lord but I’m not above anyone else and I’m not going to make decisions for you just because of my title.”</p><p>“Okay, then the morning is good.” Zuko wanted to interrupt, to ask if everything was okay because aside from his face and his tone, Sokka was being <em>weirdly </em>serious, but he held his tongue. “We’ll talk over breakfast?”</p><p>“Perfect. You want to get out of here? I have a couple hours until my meeting.”</p><p>“Yeah, that sounds great. But only if you put on some real clothes first.”</p><p>Zuko rolled his eyes, relieved at the goofy comment. “All right, deal.”</p><p>They spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around the capital and catching up on what happened since they’d seen each other. Zuko became more convinced as the day went on that Sokka must’ve just been tired like he thought, because he slowly opened up until he was the same fun-loving goofball that Zuko came to know him as. Though they didn’t do much aside from walk around and exchange stories, it was one of the better days he’d had in a while. He didn’t smile much, but Sokka was so much fun once he finally woke up and he tried damn hard to make it happen. That alone was enough for Zuko to cheer up a little and relax, even if it only lasted a couple hours.</p><p>It wasn’t until that evening, after Zuko had dealt with his meeting (which was shorter than it should’ve been because his stupid scribe wanted to make sure he was resting enough), wrote yet another a letter to his uncle, and was lying in bed, half-asleep, when he finally realized that Sokka had tricked him into being supervised through another meal. He groaned and flopped his face down into the pillows, hoping beyond anything it was just a coincidence. Was there <em>no one </em>left in the world who trusted him to take care of himself?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sokka didn’t sleep much that night.</p><p>It wasn’t that something was wrong, so much as that something <em>could </em>go wrong. The more time passed, the more he realized he’d dug himself into a hell of a hole that wasn’t going to be easy to get out of. Zuko was clearly not in the place to be dealing with his bullshit and yet Sokka kept piling it up. First with the lie about why he was there, and then with his trick to get Zuko to have breakfast with him. He wasn’t <em>too </em>concerned as based on what Mai said, Sokka thought Zuko’s problem was just forgetting that he needed to take care of himself <em>and </em>the nation, but he wanted to do what he could while he was there.</p><p>That said, Sokka <em>did </em>have a great day after their lunch. They mostly just walked around the capital and told each other about what was going on since they last saw each other. Considering almost the entire palace was shut down for his health, Sokka was expecting Zuko to act kind of weird, or give away something at some point, but there was nothing. He was just regular old Zuko, as awkward and sarcastic as he always was. It was nice and alleviated most of the fears Sokka had about something being wrong with his friend or even the nation. Eventually, he even started to believe that Zuko was right, that his staff were just blowing whatever it was out of proportion and it would all fizzle out soon.</p><p>The only problem with that was not having to worry about Zuko or the Fire Nation left Sokka with more space to worry about himself, which was why he spent half the night pacing around his room and the other half fidgeting so much he couldn’t sleep. His mind was racing, and no matter how hard he tried to shut it up, he couldn’t. There were so many things that could go wrong with his plan and all he wanted was to find the courage to admit that he was bluffing but he couldn’t. At that point, he thought it might be best to just go along with it and tell his dad some story about where the extra supplies came from.</p><p>Though Sokka wanted to find an excuse to get out of it again, to delay the unnecessary conversation for longer, he knew there was no chance he could do that. He’d realized while pacing around his room that if he wanted to stick to his original schedule of being gone for no longer than two weeks, he needed to leave the following morning once he’d factored in the travel time from his detour. Any longer than that and he’d end up being gone during the last of the winter prep, which was the last thing in the world he wanted to do.</p><p>So, after a solid two hours of sleep, Sokka dragged himself out of bed and got dressed—again in rather stylish Fire Nation wear, loaned to him by some of the palace servants—before heading out to the dining room. Upon arriving, he was told that Zuko had failed to show up again, but this time was not forced to look for him on his own. Instead, a servant poked her head in the door, telling Sokka that she’d been instructed to escort him to the Fire Lord. She didn’t say <em>where </em>he was, just that they were going to see him, and Sokka decided not to ask; instead making friendly small talk. They’d be there soon enough anyway, so it wasn’t like he’d be waiting long for an answer.</p><p>The girl led Sokka to an unfamiliar part of the palace, eventually stopping outside a door she asked him to wait outside of. Sokka glanced around, trying to figure out where exactly he was or what Zuko might have been doing, but there was nothing immediately cluing him in to what was there. After a moment, he gave up and turned to call back to the girl who’d escorted him there, only to find she’d already disappeared around a corner, leaving him to solve it on his own. Luckily, he was an <em>excellent </em>detective, and knew exactly what to do. He leaned back against the wall, getting as close as he could to the door without pressing his ear against it. The sounds on the other side were muffled, but loud enough that he was able to understand what was being said.</p><p>“…last time, it’s <em>fine</em>.” Zuko sounded extremely irritated, though it was clear he was trying to keep himself calm. “I’ve been telling you for three years. It’s nothing.”</p><p>“Okay, I know you keep telling me that,” said a woman, whose voice Sokka did not recognize, “but everything I’ve seen says otherwise. You can’t tell from your end, but when I do the test, you’re completely unresponsive until I reach about this point. Do you see that? The fact there’s an identifiable line is what’s concerning me.”</p><p>“I see that, but it’s not concerning <em>me </em>and I’m the Fire Lord so just stop bringing it up, all right? It’s not like there’s anything you can do about it. Now, are you going to tell everyone I’m fine or do we have to put up with another week of this bullshit?”</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko, I know you’re eager to get back to work, but it’s that same work that could cost you your life if you’re not careful. You <em>d</em><em>o</em> seem a lot better so I’m willing to give you the all clear, but <em>only </em>under the terms that you’ll take more time for yourself. Yes, the people are important, but eating and sleeping is too. You can’t do anything for the people if you can’t stand on your own two feet.”</p><p>“Right.” Despite his words, Zuko’s tone didn’t sound particularly agreeable. “Yes, got it, whatever, you’re letting me go now? You’ll tell everyone that if they reschedule our meetings, I won’t pass out on them? The nation is <em>completely </em>safe if I come back to work?”</p><p>“Yes.” The woman sounded exasperated, sighing deeply before she went on. “Yes, I will do that. You were right, you’re the Fire Lord and I overstepped my boundaries. Since I clearly can’t do anything to stop you from working, I won’t say anything to people who can. It’s not my decision to make.”</p><p>“Thank you, Shin. I appreciate you doing your job, but seriously, I’m sick of people looking after me. I know I’m a teenager, but I’m in charge of this entire nation. I don’t need your help. I don’t need anyone’s help.”</p><p>If it were up to Sokka, he would have argued that was <em>exactly </em>why Zuko needed help. But, as he was pretending not to have heard anything, he said nothing when Zuko stepped out a few moments later. He didn’t know whether he actually looked as cool and collected as he wanted to, and guessed he didn’t, but the attempt was made. For the first time since Sokka arrived in the Fire Nation, Zuko actually looked somewhat decent as well, with his hair combed and tied up, and his clothes strictly professional. Sokka nearly cracked a joke asking if something was wrong, but realized it probably wasn’t the right time for that. Especially considering that while his clothes and hair looked nice, something on his face still appeared somewhat pale and unnatural.</p><p>“Hi,” said Zuko awkwardly, closing the door behind him. “Sorry about that, something came up this morning. You ready to talk?”</p><p>“Yeah, for sure.” What he really wanted to say was more along the lines of the exact opposite, but there was nothing he could do. He was the reason he was in the mess and he needed to take responsibility for that. Still, if he had <em>one </em>more chance to get out of it… “Oh, just so you know, I have to go in the morning to be back at the tribe for winter prep stuff, so I’m hoping we have time to work this out today? You can send the supplies later; I just need to be home soon.”</p><p>“Oh.” His tone sounded almost disappointed, but he didn’t say anything to further express that. “Uh, no, yeah, that’s fine. I’ve actually been thinking about it and I have a solution that’ll help us sort this out quickly. And that’s good too because I just got the shit with my people resolved so I should be back on a somewhat regular schedule tomorrow. Come on, we’ll talk in the planning room.”</p><p>Zuko led Sokka through the corridors yet again, causing him to realize that the more he explored the palace, the more everything looked exactly the same. Yes, he recognized there were all kinds of different decorations and such, but the building was just <em>so big </em>that everything blended together after a while and Sokka was glad someone was always there to accompany him. He was sure he <em>could </em>find his way around if he had to, but only after wandering around like an idiot for an ample amount of time.</p><p>Eventually, they made it to a grand set of double doors which Zuko pushed open, leading Sokka inside. He’d been in there before, though Zuko was just showing it to him for fun rather than having him in there for an actual meeting. Sokka loved that room, which made it a little easier to get through the first few minutes of their discussion. The only thing he was really worried about was having to make a trade which would likely involve things that Hakoda wouldn’t approve of, since he wasn’t there to give his son advice. It was a terrifying thought, giving away the wrong things, but Sokka just had to trust his gut. He could make decisions that were good for the tribe. He was smart enough to do the right thing.</p><p>Except he didn’t really need to worry about that at all because apparently, Zuko really <em>was</em> out of his damn mind and decided to simultaneously make it all a thousand times easier and a thousand times harder on him.</p><p>“Okay, so, here’s the thing,” said Zuko, sitting down at the large table and hesitating before he went on. “I’ve been trying to reconnect with the rest of the world since the war ended, but no one ever takes me up on my offers. Ever. I don’t think they have anything against <em>me</em> because they invite me to events and stuff, but they all have annual trades and shit worked out that I haven’t found a way to compete with. So, I have too many supplies. At this point, you just have to tell me what you need, and it’s yours.”</p><p>“Wait, <em>what</em>?” Sokka’s eyes went wide. The lie was going too far. He’d gone from arranging an innocent trade to taking free handouts from the Fire Nation, and there was no way he could even consider letting <em>that</em> happen. “No, Zuko, it’s fine. Seriously. We can figure something out. I’m sure of it.”</p><p>“Sokka, no offense, but you live in igloos. I have a palace. I’m fairly sure there’s nothing you can offer me that the Fire Nation doesn’t already have. Just tell me what you need, and I’ll make sure it gets where it needs to go. Speaking of, did you bring a boat here or did you come on a ferry? I can have someone take you home in the morning if you—”</p><p>“That would be great, thank you. I actually did take a boat, but I left it on Kyoshi Island and ferried over here. I stopped to see Suki on the way.”</p><p>“Oh, all right. I’ll get someone to take you over there, then.” He paused thoughtfully, glancing over at Sokka’s ever tapping fingers and making him feel just a <em>tiny </em>bit more self-conscious. “I was going to say Kyoshi Island is a bit out of the way, since that puts you on kind of a loopy path, but I guess it doesn’t matter since it’s your girlfriend, right? I wouldn’t know what that’s like. Mai and I were never that close, even at our best points.”</p><p>“Well, some relationships just aren’t meant to be.” Sokka shrugged. He wasn’t really ready to talk about what happened with Suki yet, but he knew better than anyone that what Zuko was going through couldn’t have been easy. “Anyway, if you knew you were just going to give the tribe whatever we needed, why did you want to come all the way in here? If you’re so insistent on giving us the supplies, I can just write you a list or something.”</p><p>“Yeah, that works. Why don’t you take a piece of paper and get started on that while I pull out these maps and plans?”</p><p>He stopped halfway through dipping his brush in ink. “What?”</p><p>“Okay, uh, you can absolutely say no to this but you’re a really damn good strategist and I’m trying to figure out how to do something that nobody agrees I should even be doing so I was hoping you might be able to help me before you go?” Something about Zuko’s expression was almost fearful as he grabbed the scrolls from a shelf near the wall, and Sokka couldn’t help but empathize with him. When he failed to respond right away, Zuko resumed babbling, almost like he was trying to backtrack. “Really, you don’t have to do anything. You were just so great helping with the laws and you’ve done made a lot of incredible plans in the past and there’s a couple of villages in the Earth Kingdom that the Fire Nation still controls and I really want to give those back but it’s not as easy as it sounds and I can’t figure out how to—”</p><p>“All right, stop. It’s fine” He waved a hand in the air, which was thankfully not the one holding the ink-covered brush. “Zuko, you know we’re friends, right? I’m happy to help with anything you need. Not just while I’m here, but when I’m back at the tribe too. You know you can send us letters if you ever need anything, or you just want to reach out. We might live on different continents, but we all care about you. I exchange letters with the guys all the time and I know Toph especially is pretty bummed you haven’t been writing.”</p><p>“Sorry.” Zuko biting down on his bottom lip as he rolled the scrolls onto the table. “I write letters sometimes; I’m just really fucking awkward and they always read like shit, so I never send them. And it’s really, really stupid but sometimes I just forget that people actually care about me.”</p><p>“That’s not stupid. With everything you went through as a kid, it makes sense that you’d be a little cautious about stuff like that.”</p><p>“But that’s the thing. I’m not cautious, I just don’t believe it. I’m trying, I’m really, <em>really </em>trying, but I don’t believe it. I can’t. You’re sitting right the fuck in front of me right now and I don’t completely believe you care. I’m doubtful. And it’s not anything to do with you, it’s just that to everyone except my uncle, I’ve pretty much been nothing but a walking garbage can my entire life and believing I’m something else is just not… I don’t know how to do it.”</p><p>“Have you talked to anyone about this?” asked Sokka, chewing lamely on his thumbnail and frowning as his concern deepened. It was hypocritical, he knew, but he couldn’t stop himself from asking the question. “I mean, I heard you got a therapist for Azula, but did you ever think about getting one for yourself? You went through a hell just as bad as hers.”</p><p>“No. I haven’t, I’m not going to, and I don’t need to, so let’s just get on with this, okay?” Zuko’s tone was somewhat snappy, but mostly he just sounded tired. “I really want your help with this before you have to leave. You’re an expert at this stuff.”</p><p>Sokka couldn’t disagree with that and ended up going along with it right into the plans. There were apparently several villages under Fire Nation rule that Zuko was trying to relinquish, but he couldn’t just pull out of the villages (without a proper transition period, the Fire Nation citizens would become homeless and the Earth Kingdom citizens would end up without leaders, law enforcement, etc.), which was why he needed a plan. And, according to what else Zuko said, many of the people he generally worked with on that stuff did not believe he should give up the villages at all and were therefore terrible at helping him formulate a plan. Sokka was quick to generate ideas, however, and they moved along rather quickly, though his mind continued to wander elsewhere. How could it not, after what he’d heard? After all that time and everything they’d been through, Zuko <em>still </em>didn’t believe anyone cared for him. It was heartbreaking.</p><p>Within an hour they managed to work out a basic plan, which would leave the Fire Nation in the villages temporarily while they started converting back to an Earth Kingdom-led community. Zuko said he’d look it over with his people later but was satisfied with what they’d come up with and thanked Sokka profusely for his help. Sokka just nodded and smiled in response, as while he knew he didn’t <em>need </em>to help, it felt like he owed Zuko something after unintentionally lying his way to free supplies. And, of course, it was that internal need to pay Zuko back which was the only reason why he ended up agreeing to his friend’s next suggestion despite knowing that it was the stupidest thing he could have possibly done.</p><p>Yes, sparring with Zuko when he knew they were both in a shitty place wasn’t necessarily the <em>best </em>idea either of them ever had, but it wasn’t like they were even intending to do anything. Zuko had only offered to let him check out the palace training room before he left. It was all just for fun and so Sokka could see what the differences were compared to his own training grounds. Yes, he <em>jokingly</em> added a comment about sparring, but it didn’t mean they were going to do it. In fact, it seemed pretty unlikely that they would, since Zuko was not at all dressed appropriately and it was unlikely he’d ruin everything he had on for the sake of a little fun with someone he was apparently hesitant to consider a friend.</p><p>What he didn’t think to anticipate was that Zuko wasn’t thinking about <em>fun</em>, he was thinking about <em>relief</em>.</p><p>The training room was admittedly quite incredible and Sokka wanted more than anything to try out some of the equipment inside, but he was put off by one of the first things he noticed being a long-sleeved shirt discarded on the tile by the floor. Not just any shirt, but the same one Zuko was wearing the day he arrived. Suddenly, Sokka didn’t trust that he was being entirely honest about where he was the previous morning (not that he could exactly be bothered by dishonesty, considering the pretenses under which he was supposedly at the palace), and wondered whether something else was going on. Still, the room itself was amazing and he refused to let his last day in the Fire Nation be tarnished by either of their problems, so he pushed that little issue aside for later and admired the wall of weapons on one wall of the room.</p><p>“Your sword is way nicer than any of these,” said Zuko suddenly, his tone dismissive. “Come here, I’ll show you something better. Take your shoes off.”</p><p>Sokka did as he was told, kicking his shoes off near the wall as Zuko did the same, pulling his robes off as well, which left him in dark red pants and a matching shirt. He gestured for Sokka to follow him to the middle of the room, then backed away so they were standing a good six feet apart. Zuko bowed respectfully and Sokka copied the motions, closing the space between them to a simple two feet when Zuko motioned for him to get closer. He placed his right leg behind him, one hand clenched into a fist over his leg and the other tight in the chamber.</p><p>“Okay, just follow what I tell you, all right?” he started, not shifting his solid stance. “We’re not sparring, I’m going to teach you a firebending form.”</p><p>“Uh, not to burst your bubble,” said Sokka, loosening his position to rub the back of his head awkwardly, “but it seems like you forgot, so just in case, I’m not actually a jerkbender. Or any kind of bender. Unless sword-bending or boomerang-bending is a thing now, but I still don’t think those would really work with whatever you’re trying to do.”</p><p>“No, I know, dumbass. We’re going to do it without bending.” Zuko hesitated before going on, catching his stance, and deepening when he started to relax. “And I don’t actually think you’re a dumbass, I was just getting back at you for the jerkbending comment. You’re really smart and helpful and… stuff.”</p><p>He almost shot back with more banter, but the look on Zuko’s face was far too awkward and uncomfortable for him to feel right about it. “Thanks? I think?”</p><p>“Yeah. Anyway, just follow my lead, okay? Step back with your right foot, low block with your left hand, good. Now switch, same thing other side. Now, high outside, low cover. Good, but faster next time. Shift your weight, and now shuffle to the right…”</p><p>Though he couldn’t do any of the firebending and Zuko wasn’t doing it either, Sokka could tell where it was supposed to be (most of it seemed to fall on Zuko’s side as he was on the offensive, but Sokka noted a few moves on his end where bending would’ve been effective), and it was oddly enjoyable. Zuko taught him both sides of the kumite as well as both attack and defense, and while he worried at first that he’d run into the same problem he’d been having with his left leg, the form was rhythmic and slow enough that he forgot there was even anything to be concerned about. It was just back and forth with the same motions, him and Zuko moving in a way almost too smooth for it being his first time doing it. They might not have been great on their own, but if nothing else, they made a damn good team.</p><p>It wasn’t until the fourth or fifth time they tried the left side when Sokka realized that Zuko was watching him a little too closely, his gaze almost fixed on Sokka’s back foot. His left foot. The one he was <em>refusing</em> to put enough weight on. He should have expected it, considering the way he kept tripping due to his poor balance, but he didn’t, and when he noticed the way Zuko’s gaze was pointing, he called it quits. Sokka was careful not to say <em>why </em>he was finished, not wanting to make a bigger deal out of it when Zuko likely viewed it as a natural weakness rather than anything else. Unfortunately, regardless of how he viewed it, Zuko was not so quick to let it go and decided to throw in a few unwanted critiques at the end.</p><p>“You’d be a good firebender,” he commented. “You did way better than me the first time I tried that one. Granted, I <em>was</em> eleven and my training partner was Azula, but still. I did notice you were favoring your left side a lot; did something happen? I don’t remember you doing that before.”</p><p>Sokka shrugged. “It’s been a while. It’s not like it’s a big deal, you do it too.”</p><p>He knew <em>immediately </em>that it was the wrong thing to say but it was too late to take it back. Zuko’s face fell and he froze completely, his gaze turning to his shoes as he wet his lips, clearly searching for a response he didn’t want to give. The clear difference between their issues was that Sokka’s <em>was </em>a newer development, starting a couple months after the end of the war, while Zuko had his for the entire time they’d known each other. Sokka had never directly asked Zuko about it, so there was no guarantee he was correct, but he was almost positive he understood why Zuko favored his left side and it was for that exact reason that he’d told himself he wouldn’t be the one to bring it up. He couldn’t speak for Zuko, but if it were Sokka, he knew he wouldn’t want to talk about it.</p><p>And yet he’d forced Zuko to think about it and the only way out now was to backtrack.</p><p>“Sorry, I get what you’re saying.” Sokka shook his head, unable to stop his fingers tapping against himself despite how uncomfortable it made him to touch the slightly raised lines upon his forearm. “I think I’m just a little out of shape since I’ve been spending most of my time on the tribe’s affairs instead of warrior training, you know? I probably had this habit when I was a kid too, I just forgot about it after so many years of daily training.”</p><p>“Yeah, maybe.” Rather than elaborating on his own issue, Zuko stayed silent, causing Sokka to feel worse about turning the tables on him. What a fucked-up way to get the attention off himself. “We can keep working on it for a bit if you want? Maybe our unbalanced sides will balance each other out. Er, I realize that doesn’t make much sense, but I really don’t want to go back out there right now, so…”</p><p><em>That </em>was when it finally hit him. Zuko didn’t offer to show him the training room for fun, he did it to escape. Though he claimed he was thrilled to get back to work the next day, he didn’t want to do it at all. At least, not the part that involved him having to interact with other people, regardless of what he wanted to accomplish for the nation. But he <em>was </em>okay, wasn’t he? He said he was fine, the physician had apparently cleared him as fine, and Sokka had little reason to believe there was any real cause for serious concern on his part. Yet still, something made him feel like leaving was a bad idea. Like if he left, Zuko would fall back into the same self-destructive behaviors that got him into trouble in the first place. But there had to be someone who could look after him, right? Mai or… his servants? The palace physician?</p><p>Suddenly, Sokka realized that aside from Mai and the people who worked with him in the palace, Zuko had no one. At least, no one that he knew about. So, what if it was <em>Zuko </em>who was wrong? What if he was underreacting rather than everyone else overreacting like he claimed? What if something really <em>was</em> wrong and once Sokka left, there would be no one around to stop him spiraling deeper? After all, it wasn’t like Sokka had done much. Zuko stayed in a pretty consistent mood whenever he was around, but Sokka still couldn’t make him laugh no matter how many jokes he cracked, and he rarely ever smiled. He was unhappy, he wasn’t taking care of himself, and he needed someone to be there for him but there was no one around. His friends were scattered across the world, his uncle was in the Earth Kingdom, and all he had left was a bunch of servants and his ex-girlfriend.</p><p>Sokka shook himself from his thoughts. He couldn’t possibly stay, no matter what the reason, which meant all he could do was make the best of his last day in the Fire Nation. “Okay, that’s fine. Is it all right if we go slow, though? I want to be more aware of my stance.”</p><p>“Sounds good to me.” Zuko nodded and took a step back. “Come on, I’ll show you another one.”</p><p>Zuko slid back into another stance, again giving Sokka directions to help him out. It was fun, but there was something off about Zuko that was bothering Sokka too much to ignore. It wasn’t until his mind wandered in the most concerned of directions that he noticed it, but something was just fundamentally <em>off </em>about him. He couldn’t say what it was, though he realized after a solid block that Zuko was shaking enough to visibly see it. What exactly was the cause for the shaking was unclear, however, and Sokka couldn’t think of an inconspicuous way to bring it up so he said nothing, instead focusing on his own stance. He continuously put too much weight on his right foot and had to keep shifting over, never quite finding that sweet spot. Zuko faced his own share of struggles too, almost always reacting <em>just </em>too late on his left side, but it wasn’t the same thing.</p><p>Though he wasn’t open about what it was and Sokka wasn’t going to press him to be, Zuko did have an excuse for why he was slow to react on one side. Sokka didn’t have that. The only reason he didn’t work as well on his left side as he did on his right was because he was too damn possum chicken to put his weight where it needed to be. He was too afraid to do what he needed to do. The war had been over for far too long for him to still be scared of it and yet somehow, he was. He was terrified of putting his weight on his foot. He was terrified of being reminded of what he went through. He needed to fix it and the more time passed, the more he realized there was really only one way to do it, but he was<em> terrified </em>of asking for help<em>. </em>He needed to do something but he didn’t know how, so instead of admitting he needed help, he panicked when Zuko told him to shift to his left foot for a move and froze where he stood; standing there like an idiot as if he hadn’t even heard Zuko at all.</p><p>“Sokka?” Zuko released his stance, his expression turning to one of mild concern. “You good? You look like you’re somewhere else.”</p><p>“No, yeah, I’m fine,” Sokka assured him quickly. “I was just—”</p><p>He didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence. The door opened suddenly, revealing a young woman on the other side of it. She was dressed in the same uniform as the other servants he’d met so far, but it wasn’t clear why she was there. Zuko frowned, giving her a look as if to ask why she was interrupting him. The girl looked sheepish but didn’t back down.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko,” she started, her tone soft. “You have a visitor.”</p><p>“Tell them I’m busy,” said Zuko, already looking back to Sokka. “I don’t care who it is, I’m with another visitor who’s leaving soon, and I’d like to spend time with him before then.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, sir, but I was told you’re needed immediately. One of the nobles has passed away and there’s a very distressed young woman who wishes to speak with you.”</p><p>His face fell, and for a moment, the room fell so silent that Sokka was almost sure he could hear Zuko’s heart pounding in his chest. He breathed out only one word before darting out of the room, not sparing one glance to Sokka nor the servant in the doorway as he vanished into the hall.</p><p>“Azula.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ena passed away in her sleep.</p><p>She’d been sick for a while, though Zuko didn’t realize the severity of it until that day. Immediately after his realization, he rushed out of the training room and ended up in his sister’s bedroom of all places. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, her head buried in her hands and her long, dark hair a tangled mess. Her body was wracked with sobs and though he knew it likely wasn’t the best idea, Zuko’s first instinct upon sitting down beside her was to wrap her in an embrace, pulling her into his chest comfortingly. Neither of them said anything for several long moments, just sitting there wordlessly until she finally spoke, though her words were almost unintelligible through her tears.</p><p>“She wasn’t supposed to die,” Azula choked out, clinging to Zuko’s shirt. It was weird and unnatural, and he could feel her nails digging into his skin but there was nothing he could do about it. She needed his help and he was going to give it to her, regardless of what happened between them in the past. “I knew she was old and sick, but she wasn’t supposed to <em>die</em>. She wasn’t supposed to fucking die!”</p><p>“It’s okay.” It wasn’t, but Zuko didn’t know what else to say. He slid his arm around her shoulders. “It’s going to be okay.”</p><p>“No, it’s not! I’m <em>insane</em>. Ena was the only reason I wasn’t in an institution and now she’s gone. She’s just gone. What am I supposed to do? Without Ena I’m just going to lose it again. I’m going to lose it and I’m going to lose my friends and my life and everything I’ve tried to fix since the war. What the <em>hell </em>do I do?”</p><p>If there was a way to stop time, Zuko would have seriously loved it right about then. He didn’t have the faintest idea what to tell her and he didn’t have the time to figure it out. His whole life, Azula had been something else. His whole life, she was, to put it kindly, a bitch. She was rude to him, she played cruel jokes on him, she was terrible to the people she loved, and though he knew she’d been in therapy for almost three years at that point—hell, he was the <em>reason </em>she’d been in therapy—she’d hardly spoken to him in that time and seeing this new side of her, this <em>open </em>side of her, was jarring. Before, their interactions were rarely anything other than insults going back and forth, and now they were like an actual family and he didn’t know what to do with it. He didn’t know how to help her.</p><p>“You just— you stay here with me.” Zuko’s first reaction to his words was a punch in the gut. He was so fucking selfish that his suggestion was one to help himself, but he couldn’t take it back, so he pushed on. “We’ll go get your stuff and you can stay here in the palace where you’re safe and there’s people around to talk whenever you need it. And I’ll find you a new therapist. We can get through this, I promise.”</p><p>Given their history, Zuko fully expected Azula to shout at him or tell him that his idea was terrible and would never work, but instead she just nodded into his shoulder and that’s when it hit him that things were really different. All this time he’d thought that when he saw her again, she’d still hate him. She’d be the same person she always was, and she’d treat him like the piece of shit he felt like. But whatever happened since the war, whatever old, sweet Ena had done to help her through everything, it worked. She was still the same powerful bender as always and based on their last interaction, she was just as much of a pain in the ass, but she wasn’t evil. She wasn’t angry or mean or a monster, she was just a girl. She was a teenager who went through the same amount of bullshit he did. She was just… <em>Azula</em>.</p><p>“You’re shaking.” Zuko froze when Azula spoke, her voice quiet. “She was my therapist, not yours. Why are <em>you </em>shaking?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Oddly enough, it was the truth. He hadn’t even realized he <em>was </em>shaking until she said something. “This is a really stressful situation. Last time I saw you, you were trying to kill me—well, not <em>last </em>time last time but the last <em>real </em>time I saw you—and now you’re like… my sister. It’s weird. I didn’t, uh, I didn’t know the therapy was going to do that.”</p><p>She slid away from him, pushing her hands over her eyes as she dragged a lock of hair behind her ear. “Wasn’t that the whole point of it?”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess, but you hate me. That’s just how it is. I kind of figured that even if you stopped being insane, you’d still hate me. Not that I <em>want</em> you to hate me, but you’ve always hated me and it kind of seems like you don’t which is honestly really disorienting.”</p><p>“Oh, Zuzu.” Azula blinked a few times, wiping her fingers beneath her eyelashes and pushing away the rest of her tears. “I do hate you. I hate you more than you could ever know. But Ena is fucking dead. I have nobody. Even Mai still doesn’t talk to me except when Ty Lee is visiting. And as much as I hate to admit it, I can’t stay in that house on my own. Ena was the only person who really cared about me, Zuko. I don’t know what to do without her.”</p><p>“She’s not the only person who cared about you,” Zuko argued. “<em>I </em>care about you, Azula. Yeah, we’re not exactly the closest siblings in the world but why do you think I got you a therapist in the first place? I could have left you in the institution, but I didn’t. You’re my sister. Even if you are a crazy bitch who tried to kill me countless times and shot me with actual lighting.”</p><p>She snorted. “Like you never tried to kill me.”</p><p>“I never <em>tried </em>to kill anyone.” He sighed, taking a deep breath as he tried to make sense of the situation. “All right, I kind of left Sokka back there somewhere and I should probably go find him, so are you going to be okay? You can stay here as long as you need to; you’re the princess so it’s your home too if you want it.”</p><p>“I’m fine. But hey, before you go? If you tell <em>anyone </em>about what just happened here, I will seriously kick your ass.”</p><p>Zuko clutched his hands over his heart dramatically. “Ah, there’s the sister I know.”</p><p>With that, he rose from the bed, shooting her one last glance before he slipped out of the door. He still couldn’t believe that the person he’d just talked to was actually his sister, after having grown up with the girl who he could hardly call anything other than a little bitch, but that was it, wasn’t it? That was his new normal. As weird as it was for him, since he’d been so disconnected from the process as per her preferences, Azula was different. She went through therapy for <em>years</em> to work through her issues with her image, relationships, abuse, and something in there clicked. Something got through to her in a way that it finally stopped her being the raging, murderous woman who tried to kill him all that time ago.</p><p>He lost himself in his train of thought as he wandered back to the training room. There was the smallest part of his mind that thought maybe, just <em>maybe </em>if Azula had managed to change so much from her therapy, he could too—preferably by way of a method that did not involve the scary ‘t’ word—but the rest of his mind said it was unnecessary and impossible. There was nothing that could stop him from being who he was. His entire life he’d been the same anxious, socially inept failure and talking to someone couldn’t stop that. Azula had different issues and she’d been able to work through them because for the time she was in that house with Ena, that was all she did. Her entire life was centered around getting better. Zuko didn’t have that luxury. He had to work, attend meetings, <em>run a fucking nation</em>. He pushed the thoughts right out of his mind. It was useless and wouldn’t get him anywhere, so there was no point letting himself daydream about getting better. Not when he knew it was impossible.</p><p>After a few minutes, he made it back to the training room and went inside. Sokka was still there, thankfully, reading one of the scrolls near the weapons wall. He put it down and leapt to his feet when Zuko walked in, a curious and concerned expression on his face. Oddly enough, Sokka didn’t say anything, just raising an eyebrow as he left Zuko to decide exactly how much information he wanted to divulge. It took him a moment to decide, but when he did, he put everything he had in his friend’s hands.</p><p>“Azula’s live-in therapist just died,” he said flatly, cutting straight to meat of the situation. “So, I’m going have to go send some people to get her things, and then… I’m not really sure. Is there anything else you need for your trip in the morning? Or otherwise?”</p><p>“No.” Sokka shook his head, chewing lamely on his thumbnail. “But if you’re all right with it, I am kind of curious how Azula is. Any less murderous, or…?”</p><p>“Actually, yeah. She’s kind of… <em>normal</em>. I didn’t really expect it, because I’ve barely talked to her since the war—or she’s rarely talked to me, I guess—and I had no idea how much she changed. Like, don’t get me wrong, it’s what I was hoping for with the therapist, it’s just weird. I’ve never seen her like this before. She’s still rude to me but in like, a less evil way? Kind of how Katara is with you. Well, except Azula is a lot meaner and less used to being normal-ish siblings but that’s just how she is, I think.”</p><p>“Oh, okay. So, everything’s all right, then?”</p><p>“Yeah, absolutely.” Zuko nodded quickly, hoping he didn’t look as dishonest as he felt. “Couldn’t be better.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>It was around dinner time when Zuko started to feel weird.</p><p>He was so busy dealing with everything else that he barely had time to process what happened. Azula was actually moving back to the palace and she didn’t hate him, and it was almost too much to believe. Plus, he had to deal with finding her a new therapist and getting people to go collect her things (which wasn’t hard, actually—he ended up asking her old servants who were extremely pleased to finally have something interesting to do), which expended the rest of his energy. Zuko didn’t exactly <em>want </em>to leave Sokka on his last day in the Fire Nation but there wasn’t much of a choice, so he sent his friend off to lunch and went to deal with everything, promising to find him again by the next meal so they could talk one more time before he left.</p><p>But then things kept piling on top of each other and he didn’t know what to do anymore. He thought that Azula’s return would be the biggest event of the day and it pretty much was, but all the smaller things that followed it shoved him into a hole so deep he didn’t know how to get himself out. People kept coming up to talk to him everywhere he went, having heard that he was clear to get back into meetings, and they were going on about decisions they’d made without him that were frankly appalling. Not all of them were bad but the fact that they’d made any decisions without him, the <em>Fire Lord</em>, at all was mind boggling and he wanted to clock all of them just for having the audacity to do such a thing. The only reason he didn’t being his great sense of control, which honestly started to feel like it was slipping. He held his hand on his arm too much as he went about his business that day and though he didn’t burn himself, the idea that he might was terrifying. The fact that he was holding his hand there, giving himself the option to harm himself because it was somehow comforting was more than he could bear.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko?” The voice was too cheery and Zuko wanted more than anything to ignore it, but he couldn’t. He recognized the voice of one of his generals, though he couldn’t remember his name. Zuko turned around slowly, swallowing hard as he looked at the man; everything appearing a little fuzzier than it should be. “I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better, they said that was a nasty cold you had.”</p><p>Zuko, who didn’t realize that his physician had been clever enough to lie about his affliction, nodded. “Yeah. Luckily, it was one of those things that only lasts a few days. Did you need something?”</p><p>“Yeah, I was just wondering if you wanted to reschedule the meeting to talk about training methods?” he asked. “You were saying some of the routines were still too harsh and you wanted to make sure everyone was comfortable, even if they were working hard. We were supposed to talk about it yesterday, but you were—”</p><p>“That’s fine, just put it on the schedule, and I’ll show up. I have no idea when I’m doing anything this week, but I have someone around here who does that. Somewhere. Just find her, please.”</p><p>He rubbed his temples, closing his eyes for just long enough to concern his subordinate. “Are you sure you’re feeling all right, Fire Lord Zuko? You look rather pale.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m okay. Just still getting over a bit of lightheadedness from the cold.” Zuko hoped he sounded convincing, though everything around him felt distant in a way he couldn’t explain. It was almost like he was teetering on the edge of sleep despite his level of activity. “I’ll talk to you at the meeting. I have some other thoughts about the soldiers I’d like to discuss too, I’ll explain it all then.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t give the man a chance to respond, taking off down the hallway again. He didn’t want to admit it, especially when he still had so much to deal with—the first thing he’d done after leaving Sokka was request a list of therapists to look at, and he expected it would be ready by then—but he felt sick. Horribly and completely sick. The world was spinning, his stomach churned, and he was shaking badly for reasons he couldn’t explain. His heart was racing, and he wanted to blame it on adrenaline, but he had no real reason to have any, which left anxiety as the only option. But he wasn’t anxious. He had <em>no</em> <em>reason </em>to be anxious. None except for the fact that he always got anxious at the worst possible fucking moments and it was happening to him again because he was cursed to never be happy.</p><p>He was halfway to his room to look at the list of potential therapists for Azula when he was stopped yet again, this time by a servant with a handful of letters. Zuko sighed and took them, unable to force a smile. He nearly dropped the letters into a nearby trash bin, utterly overwhelmed by everything else going on, but stopped when he realized the one on top was from his uncle. Not stopping his stride, Zuko tore open the letter, deciding to see what was inside. He thought it would help cheer him up, to read something from the person he cared for most in the world, but it had the opposite effect. The first paragraph was nice, just catching him up on what was going on with the Jasmine Dragon, but the second paragraph broke him. Because his uncle thought he was fine. Zuko was damn near an anxiety attack as he read the words and still, he let Iroh believe he was fine. His exact words were the heartbreaking.</p><p>
  <em>I’m glad to hear you’re doing so well. I worried when I left you that you would not know what to do with your anxieties, but you are handling it with such maturity. I’m so proud of you, Fire Lord Zuko.</em>
</p><p>It was his fault for lying in every single letter he sent and he recognized that, but for some reason, blaming himself didn’t help. His heart pounded even faster, his lungs burning as he lost the ability to breathe. He <em>lied</em>. His Uncle Iroh was out there somewhere, proud of his supposedly amazing job as the Fire Lord when he was really fucking up everything. When Iroh was right in saying that he wouldn’t know what to do with his anxieties because he was a fucking mess of a human being and as hard as he tried, he couldn’t fix himself. The anxieties just swelled and swelled until he couldn’t control them, and it reached a point where he couldn’t even talk about it. Because he hadn’t lied to his uncle the <em>entire</em> time, of course. He was honest until it reached a point where Iroh’s letters started to seem sad and he wouldn’t stop asking if Zuko needed him to visit and he felt like he couldn’t break his uncle’s heart anymore and somehow he didn’t think of what would happen if Iroh found out until <em>just then </em>and he froze. The world was spinning, he couldn’t breathe, and he felt like his knees were about to buckle beneath him.</p><p>Zuko barely managed to make it to the restroom before he threw up everything he didn’t eat.</p><p>He was hoping beyond anything that once he finished, he would feel better, but it didn’t work. He just felt worse, sicker, and he couldn’t shake the awful feeling that he was a horrible person for lying to his uncle. Zuko pulled his arms into himself, placing his hands around the opposite forearms. He squeezed until his fingers turned white and his arms burned and then the burning turned into <em>real </em>burning when he lost control of himself and suddenly his arms were pink as shit and it hurt and he wanted to stop but he didn’t for far too long and by the time he pulled away, there were actual fucking hand prints where he’d been clutching onto. Zuko was only able to look at them for a few seconds before he shoved his sleeves down and threw up again, unable to cope with the fact that he’d burned himself<em>. </em>He despised his scars from his father and his sister and yet he was trying to give himself more.</p><p>After spending far too long on the floor, Zuko finally dragged himself to his feet and wandered out of the room, shuffling more than walking. He could see his own hands shaking but he couldn’t care. He just needed to get to his bedroom. For once, he wasn’t even going to bury himself in his work; he just wanted to lie down. He just wanted to lie down for a while and get his bearings back before he suffocated from his newfound inability to breathe. All he wanted was to slip over to his room, lock himself in, and bury himself in a pile of blankets but of course it couldn’t be that easy and before he could do that, he was interrupted by a servant who just happened to be passing by in the hall. She looked almost reluctant to speak and Zuko hoped that she wouldn’t, but of course she did, and he was locked into another conversation he didn’t want to have.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko?” she started, her tone soft. “Are you all right?”</p><p>He nodded but couldn’t get any words out. His throat burned, his stomach still ached, and his chest felt like it was collapsing because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t breathe. The only thing he wanted at that second was to regain control over his lungs but they fought him every step of the way and he was stuck standing there, shaking like a pathetic idiot as he failed to answer to the poor girl who was probably at an utter loss as to what she was supposed to do when the Fire Lord looked like he was about to fucking die in front of her. Thankfully for her, at least, she didn’t have to do anything about it. She relaxed her posture slightly for a reason Zuko didn’t understand just before his knees finally gave way; someone else immediately launching into action and grabbing his left arm to steady him. But that only made things worse and he ripped away violently, backing into the wall on the other side of the corridor with his chest rising and falling even faster because <em>who the fuck just touched him and where the fuck did they come from</em>?</p><p>Immediately after registering that it was another one of his servants, Zuko felt awful, but there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t breathe, and all he wanted was to be left alone but they wouldn’t leave him, and he felt like he was going to throw up again. He wanted it to stop but they wouldn’t go away and they got closer and he couldn’t take it so he covered his eyes with his hands and slid down the wall and he <em>knew</em> he was crying and it was stupid and pathetic and he wanted to stop but he felt sick as fuck and he needed to be alone but he was hyperventilating for no good reason so couldn’t talk and they wouldn’t fucking go away just because he looked like he was about to die (which was admittedly a pretty good excuse but he was not in his right mind and not quite able to recognize that). He didn’t know how many people were around him anymore but he could hear more and more voices and they kept getting louder so he put his hands over his ears to shut them up, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter and hoping he wasn’t crying as much as he thought, but it didn’t help. They didn’t go away until someone else shouted, and that still didn’t make him feel any better and he just wanted it to stop but it wouldn’t and he didn’t know what to do.</p><p>“Hey.” The voice was muffled so he couldn’t tell who it was, and he didn’t want to open his eyes to see. He felt the fingers grip around his first, lowering his hands down from his ears and holding onto him tightly. They were a woman’s hands, smaller than his, but with a grip so ferocious it momentarily broke him from his thoughts. “You need to breathe with me. In, hold it, out. Again. In, hold it, out. Keep going. You’re all right. You’re fine. Everything is okay.”</p><p>Zuko was fairly sure he knew who was talking based on the slightly awkward, stunted tone but he still didn’t open his eyes to confirm and because of that, he had no idea whose arm slid around his shoulder. It was nice though, and somehow, in spite of his shaking, it comforted him. He didn’t fight the hands on him, instead allowing both people to hold him. The feelings weren’t forced like when his physician tried to calm him down, they were real. Somehow, whoever was trying to help him really did care.</p><p>“It doesn’t feel like it, but you are in control of yourself.” Again, the words were stilted, as if she were reciting lines and wasn’t quite sure they were the right ones. “Just hold my hands. Try and breathe. You’re safe.”</p><p>It wasn’t until Zuko finally started to steady his breathing when he realized that it was because of the awful state he was in that he didn’t want to open his eyes. It wasn’t that he was trying to shield himself from the world, it was that he was trying to shield the world from himself. He looked the exact opposite of royal and he knew it, but he was so fucking overwhelmed that even when he tried to get past it on his own, it was too much, and he couldn’t do it. But now, with three hands on him—one arm wrapped around his shoulders and rubbing him reassuringly, and the other two hands squeezing his—he felt okay. Not fine, not even necessarily better, but content. The world wasn’t collapsing around him anymore and finally, <em>finally </em>he felt safe to open his eyes.</p><p>Everyone who’d been in the corridor when he fell down was gone. Sitting in front of him was Azula, still gripping onto his hands, and on his right side was Sokka, an arm draped around him which helped to ease his uncontrollable shaking. Despite her calming words, Azula looked absolutely petrified, while Sokka was simply frozen in place aside from his gently moving hand. Zuko breathed deeply, though it shook so much he couldn’t quite get his lungs to function well enough to speak. Thankfully, his helpers were one step ahead and Azula opened her mouth to answer the question he’d wanted to ask.</p><p>“Not one of those words was mine,” she told him, her voice low. “All Ena’s. Stuff she said to me. You need a therapist.”</p><p>Zuko managed to shake his head, but the world kept spinning. “I’m <em>fine</em>.”</p><p>“You’re having a literal fucking panic attack, Zuzu. You’re not fine.”</p><p>“Yeth, I am.” It was almost hilarious that he was trying to fight it while he couldn’t even breathe. “Jutht leave me alone, you have more important thingth to worry about. I’m fine. It’th fine. Everything ith fine. Thith doethn’t matter. I’m fine.”</p><p>“Not to be blunt,” said Sokka, “but you’re shaking worse than anyone I have ever seen before, and I’m from the South Pole. There is no amount of cold that could cause what you’re doing right now. And I don’t know, maybe things are different on this side of the world, but this kind of seems like the exact opposite of fine to me.”</p><p>“You’re wrong, then.” Zuko tore out of Azula’s grip, pulling away from Sokka as he forced himself to his feet. His legs were still shaking like hell and he could barely stand still, but he managed to keep himself from falling again. “I’m fine. I’m jutht thtrethed. It’th been a thtrethful day. I jutht want to lie down.”</p><p>“Okay, that sounds like a good idea. You should definitely do that.”</p><p>Except that wasn’t as easy as it sounded either and while he’d managed to stand up, moving wasn’t back in order yet. Zuko took one step and tripped over his own two feet, the world spinning around him and everything moving in a sick blur as Sokka and Azula each grabbed one of his arms, stopping him from falling on his face. He still crashed to his knees, hitting in a hard impact, but he didn’t land flat on his stomach. Just seconds after he fell, they started to lift him again, apparently intending to drag him back to his room like a baby. He wanted to argue for reasons having to do with pride but didn’t get the chance as he ended up letting out a gasp and ripping away from the pain when Sokka slid one hand down to his forearm to better guide him.</p><p>The reaction was not intentional but instinctive. Zuko yanked away from them both, one hand flying up to cradle the same place on his arm that Sokka had held onto. Both he and Azula immediately followed Zuko to the wall he again backed himself against, his entire mind frozen as he stood in fear. He thought they were talking but all he could hear was his heart pounding in his chest and everything he could see was blurry, though he couldn’t tell if it was from tears or just how lightheaded he was. He was tired too and it was for that reason that he didn’t argue when Sokka started to pull Zuko’s arm over his shoulder to help him walk. He did, however, want to argue when his friend stopped suddenly, his face falling.</p><p>“What happened to your arm?”</p><p>Zuko couldn’t deal with the answer to that question. He couldn’t face the truth of what he’d done, much less tell someone about it. It was too much. It hurt and it was awful and stupid, and he didn’t want anyone to know, much less one of his only friends in the world. If he admitted how weak he was, how pathetic he was, then Sokka would never want to talk to him again and Azula would write him off as just as useless as she always believed him to be. He had essentially no one left in the world and he was about to lose two of the only ones who stuck around because he was too much of a fucking loser to control himself. Because he was such a fucking failure at life that even <em>he </em>couldn’t help but punish himself for it and he knew it was wrong and he didn’t want to do it, but it happened and he couldn’t take it back. He couldn’t take any of it back.</p><p>“Zuko?”</p><p>“I can’t breathe.” His tone was frantic and scared and he hated it, especially when he realized just how much water was on his face; covering his cheeks from his eyelids to his jawline. He wanted to push it away, but was too panicked to even lift his hands. “I—I can’t—”</p><p>“Oh, hey, whoa!” Sokka grabbed Zuko’s bicep, dragging his arm back over his shoulder to stop him from falling over. Zuko let far too much of his weight into Sokka’s care but he couldn’t help it. His legs weren’t working anymore, he couldn't stop shaking, and he wanted it to all go away but his lungs were burning, his eyes stung, and he couldn’t get himself under control. “Okay, we’re just— we’re going to take you back to your room so you can lie down, all right? You’re okay. You’re like, terrifyingly pale, but it’s okay. You’re fine. It’s fine. Everything is fine.”</p><p>Despite Sokka’s efforts to reassure him, Zuko couldn’t magically stop himself from feeling like shit and suddenly, the amount of sleep he'd missed, meals he’d skipped, and tea he’d vomited caught up to him and he couldn’t stand up anymore. The whole world was spinning and even with Sokka’s support, he felt like he was going to fall over. He tried to clear his vision, to get himself under control, but it was too late. He’d fucked himself over one too many times that week and his body couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t have the substance or the energy he needed, and it all finally caught up to him in one awful moment.</p><p>One second he was fighting to keep his eyes open and the next, the corridor was swirling around him as he crashed back to the floor; Sokka’s lap and Azula’s quick reflexes the only thing stopping him from splitting open his own head.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>stunning art for this chapter: (<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CIBq6jTjtnz/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet">x</a>)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Azula's Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They dragged her out of the palace in a straitjacket.</p><p>Looking back, she couldn’t exactly blame them for it, but in the moment she wanted to murder every person who put their hands on her and probably would have done if she weren’t entirely restrained. As a whole, the Agni Kai was somewhat of a blur, as were the days that surrounded it, but she recalled being angry. Sad and angry and broken and wanting nothing more than revenge and, oddly enough, <em>love</em>. No one cared. They wanted to put a gag over her mouth to keep her from breathing fire, but Zuko gave them strict orders not to do anything but put her in a straitjacket and get her into the capital’s prison. After what she’d done, Azula figured she’d get stuck in a cell far away from her bastard father and never see the light of day again unless Zuko decided to transfer her to the Boiling Rock, though that wasn’t what happened. No, she only spent around a week in prison, and then they wheeled her out of there again, ignoring her hysterical sobs as they finally gagged her mouth. She should have known immediately that it wasn’t Zuko’s fault, but she was still in a daze from the aftermath of everything that happened and blaming him seemed easier.</p><p>Azula’s days in prison were long but the ones she spent in the institution were longer. When they took her from the cold, dark cell, she never thought she’d miss the freezing bed they forced her to sleep on, but she did. Her new room didn’t even have a bed. It was just cushioning on walls, the floor, the ceiling, <em>everywhere</em>. She was in a straitjacket all hours of the day except for the times she had supervised meals or restroom visits, and no one was allowed to see her regardless of how much she calmed down. It took weeks for her to finally relax and when she did she wasn’t content so much as numb and unmovable, but she was no longer attacking people and that, to the assholes who ran the institution, meant that she was doing better. Clearly, they had no idea what they were talking about and didn’t give a shit about whether she was actually okay, because they did nothing to try and rehabilitate their patients; they just kept them alive and away from the rest of the world. The kept <em>her</em>—the Princess of the Fire Nation and she who was seconds from being crowned Fire Lord—away from the world. It was demeaning. She hated it. And while a part of her knew that Zuko wasn’t responsible, she focused her energy into hating him too. She hoped he died from the lighting she’d used to pierce his stomach.</p><p>Aside from hating her life, her family, and the entirety of her current existence, Azula did make something of her days. Considering she was not allowed to do anything but sit around in her glorified pillow fort, she had a lot of time to think, and she took advantage of that once she believed she was past the worst of her mental blocks. Whenever she got out of the institution, she was going to get revenge on everyone who’d wronged her. She didn’t quite know who she was thinking about at that point, but Zuko was at the absolute top of the list. Mai and Ty Lee were floating around on there too, though she wasn’t decided on where they fit in when compared to those who had <em>royally</em> fucked her; namely her brother and whoever the assholes who dragged her into that damn room were. Part of her wanted to go after her father too, though she knew that was pretty much useless because from what she’d heard during her week in prison, he was locked up for life and the Avatar had somehow taken his bending away. Not like she could really top that, as much as she might have resented him for the way their—or <em>his</em>—plan worked out.</p><p>Each day in the institution was longer than the last and by the end, Azula fully understood why she was considered to be on suicide watch. It was not because she was suicidal upon being brought in—she was severely distressed, yes, but still not planning to die before her enemies—but because she was bordering on suicidal by the time they let her out. It was horrible. The room was too dark, and it had no windows to let any sun in which made her feel weak. The food was disgusting, the people were rude, and not a single one of her requests was answered. Seriously. They even declined her a hairbrush and a few bobby pins because apparently that counted as dangerous contraband when all she wanted was to get her fucked up bangs away from her eyes. It was like she was being treated as a pathetic little child and each day of it was worse than the last. Each day of it made her want to scream a little louder until she couldn’t scream anymore, and she was just sat in the corner of her disgusting little room like an absolute loser.</p><p>She didn’t move an inch the day Zuko came to get her. Not willingly, anyway.</p><p>It was almost sad in a pathetic kind of way how her brother babbled upon opening her door. She wasn’t really listening to what he said but recalled something about him panicking after his coronation, handing off too many responsibilities in the hands of others, and sleeping for three days straight as he recovered from his wounds. All of it came back to the same point that he had no idea they put Azula into an institution, but she didn’t know whether she could trust him on that. Zuko was a terrible liar but there was every chance he’d improved just to make her feel worse about herself now. Just to get a few laughs because he was finally the superior sibling and living out the dream as the head of the nation like she’d always wanted to be. He had the power, the wealth, the love, and what did she have? Nothing. Literally fucking nothing. She couldn’t move her arms, she couldn’t leave her room, and said room was barely more than a padded jail cell. Even if Zuko really <em>was </em>sorry for what happened, Azula refused to give him the satisfaction of accepting his apology. Instead, she refused to say a word, moving only when the guards dragged her out of the room.</p><p>Admittedly, she wasn’t expecting Zuko to buy her a house. He <em>was </em>the Fire Lord and had ungodly amounts of money to spare but still. Of all the things Azula expected to find upon finally being freed from the institution, a fully furnished home complete with a live-in therapist was not one of them. She didn’t even know how to react. Zuko kept talking to her and going on about this and that and she had no idea how she was supposed to respond, so she didn’t. She hated that this was happening at all and she hated Zuko for what he did to her and she hated this new woman she had to live with and it was all bullshit and she was <em>not </em>going to stay there and suffer with that. Except she was and she did, because when it came down to it, she had nowhere else to go. She’d only planned to stay for a night, then sneak out and run off to begin her plans of revenge, except she didn’t have plans. Just a mess of thoughts from when she was trapped with nothing to do but think and over-think. So, instead of running off right away, she decided to give it a try.</p><p>Turns out, people really mean what they say when they tell you you’re going to get worse before you get better. Azula thought it would be a walk in the park, pretending to go along with all of her therapist’s games, but the woman, Ena, was remarkably sly and somehow, Azula continuously failed to catch on before Ena already cracked her and she was sobbing on the floor because her mother never loved her, her father treated her like an object, and she pushed away everyone she ever cared about. It happened more times than she’d care to admit (even once was more than she’d ever wanted, honestly, but it was what it was), and somehow, it was more intense each time until she hit a point where it broke her so bad she cracked and did nothing but sleep for a week. But then, in the strangest turn of events, she felt better. Once it was all out there on the table, everything that ever bothered her, Ena started to help. She explained <em>why </em>Azula felt the way she did about certain things, somehow knowing more about her than Azula did herself. It was like a miracle. Finally, she had someone that she could talk to, open up to, without any fear that she would be rejected or turned down. She had the unconditional love Ena told her she always wanted. She was almost… <em>better</em>.</p><p>Still, she didn’t predict anyone from her past would want to reconnect with her and was even more surprised when Zuko started showing up at the house once a week. The first time he announced his presence in advance, but Azula was not in any place to talk with him and hid in her room. She didn’t say a word, and yet for some reason, Zuko sat outside her door for almost an hour just talking. Telling her about his life as the Fire Lord and assuring her that if she ever wanted to come back to the palace, there was a place there for her. He went on some tangents too, usually about theater or art, but Azula didn’t mind so much. They were stupid and fluffy and comforting. It kept her mind off the awful things she was working through. The fact that her parents were awful to her and the only reason her brother hadn’t been better was because <em>she </em>shoved him away. No matter how many times Ena told her those things, she couldn’t accept them. There was no way Zuko would have ever been friends with her, nor she with him. They were opposites. It wasn’t her or their parents who tore them apart, it was fate.</p><p>After that first day, Azula thought for sure Zuko wasn’t going to come back anymore. He just came to clear his own conscience, to work his way through all the bad history he had with her too. He didn’t really care about her. Except, it turned out, it wasn’t just for one day. He came back again and again. Every single week at the same time, he kept coming back. Every. Damn. Time. He did the same thing, talking outside her door and acting like they were having a conversation even though she never responded. She liked to sit down on the other side and listen to him but didn’t have it in her to actually respond or step out to dee him. Mostly, Azula just enjoyed the familiar sound of his voice as he droned on about politics, firebending, and far too much art for her taste. He sometimes talked about Mai too (in a way that was <em>oddly </em>platonic considering how long they’d been together), and assured her that Ty Lee had forgiven her, but she didn’t believe it. There was no way that anyone would forgive her after what happened. There was never any way she could forgive <em>herself</em> after what happened. Even if she managed to bring herself back to a sane state, she could never be a good person because deep inside, she was a monster. She’d always been a monster, and nothing she, Ena, or anyone else did could ever change that.</p><p>Of course, she was proven wrong just a few months later. She received an unexpected visitor for the first time in… ever, and she barely knew what to do with herself. She ran a brush through her hair quickly, entirely uncertain as to what she would find at the door and ended up freezing in place when she saw who was on the other side of it. Ty Lee smiled sheepishly, waving to Azula though they were only a few inches apart. She asked if she could come in, Azula invited her to sit down at the table, and everything was strangely quiet. Azula never knew Ty Lee to stay silent but she did the whole time as Ena prepared them tea, and though she wanted to break it and say something, <em>anything</em>, Azula found that she had nothing to say. She had no idea how Ty Lee felt about her; whether she was there to make amends or get her own revenge for what happened, but she should have. She should have known that Ty Lee wouldn’t come back just to gloat or shout at her.</p><p>After Azula finally broke the awkward silence with an apology, they talked for the entire night. Ty Lee ended up crashing on the couch with her and they fell asleep with some ridiculous magazines spread out all over their laps. Azula honestly didn’t care much for the content of them but she was so happy to be back with Ty Lee, back with a <em>friend</em>, she didn’t care. They talked and laughed and finally, <em>finally </em>it felt like her life was going in the right direction. Especially when, right before leaving, Ty Lee told her that Mai would come with her next time as the only reason she was holding off was because she wanted to know that Azula was “sane again” before they reunited. Ty Lee was somewhat shocked that Azula planned an entire girl’s night for them the following week, but she didn’t care. It was going to be exactly like when they were little girls and they used to spend days at the palace together. It would be fun, and relaxing, and perfect, and that was <em>exactly </em>what it was. Somehow, despite everything that happened between them, they were still friends.</p><p>It was that night when she realized she might still be able to turn things around.</p><p>Azula did her best to listen to Ena after that, even when she didn’t want to. She understood that she was just trying to help and that if she listened, then maybe she would be able to get more of her life back than just her friends. Azula didn’t truly believe she could ever be a better person or less of a monster, but she hoped she could <em>act </em>better so she might have a nicer life than living in that shitty, tiny house with only Mai to visit her (though Ty Lee came whenever she could, she was living on Kyoshi Island at the moment and was unable to be around as often as Mai was). Of course, she decided that the next logical step would be to talk to Zuko. To make amends with the one person in her family who <em>hadn’t </em>treated her like dirt. Okay, well, he didn’t exactly treat her <em>well </em>but that was only because she royally fucked him over for their entire childhoods, whether it was intentional or not. Doing that was easier said than done however, and she found that, though she tried repeatedly to get herself to come out and talk to him, she couldn’t do it. Something was holding her back and no matter how many times she talked it over with Ena, she couldn’t understand what it was. And when she did finally accept that she was just going to have to get over herself and talk to him, she couldn’t. Not because she didn’t want to, or she was giving up, but because he was gone.</p><p>She didn’t know why Zuko stopped coming to visit her. He started by coming irregularly, still at the same time but not always every week, and then he just stopped showing up at all. Azula, following her developed habits, sat down by the door every week on the day and time he was meant to be there, but he wasn’t on the other side. There was no one there to talk, to babble, to keep her up to date on the behind-the-scenes affairs of the Fire Nation. At first she thought he was just busy, but when she read the news, that didn’t seem to be the case. There wasn’t much going on and when she asked Ena, it turned out nobody really saw the Fire Lord those days. Azula realized that it might not have been because of her that he wasn’t visiting, but she still had no idea why he wasn’t around and feared that she’d severed her last bridge to her life. Her last bridge to the palace she still wanted to call her home.</p><p>Then, one day, he finally showed up again. Zuko sounded different when he sat outside her door, at the same time he was always supposed to. He babbled as per usual, going on about theater for far too long and getting off on some serious tangents, but it all culminated into something she wasn’t expecting. An explanation. The reason Zuko wasn’t visiting had nothing to do with her after all, it was that he was facing his own demons. At first he just explained that he’d been having issues with anxiety—something she’d known about since they were kids, though he did his best not to show it—but as he went on, losing all self-control and just babbling about everything he’d been dealing with, Zuko confessed that it wasn’t just his anxiety or self-hatred that he was struggling with. It went far deeper than that, to the point where his voice began to crack as he explained that he was losing it. He thought he was failing as the Fire Lord. He couldn’t stop panicking over nothing. He truthfully considered hurting himself and worst of all, sometimes, he wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. Zuko fell silent after admitting all those things, though Azula could still hear his shaking breaths through the door and for some reason, she decided<em> that</em> was the best time to reunite with him.</p><p>It wasn’t the greatest reunion in the world but Zuko made her feel better and she hoped she at least kind of did that for him too. She walked away rather abruptly and was still pretty harsh with her words, but she did what she could. She tried her absolute best though she knew she wasn’t particularly good at it. Whether or not Zuko felt any better after the encounter was debatable, but either way, she was absolutely sobbing by the time he walked out the door. Azula didn’t even know what she was feeling anymore, whether she was happy or sad or something in between. All she knew was that when Zuko turned around, knocking on the door just to remind her that she was not a monster, she dropped to her knees and cried for what felt like hours and she didn’t have the faintest idea as to why. She wanted to ask Ena about it, to figure out what the fuck was going on, but for the first time in more than a year, Ena didn’t come home.</p><p>She’d been sick for a while but Azula didn’t realize how serious it was until she was confined to bed rest. Apparently she’d collapsed while running errands and had to be brought back to the house by physicians. They assured Azula that she would be okay and did what they could, but it wasn’t a week later when poor Ena died in her sleep. Without her, Azula didn’t know what to do. She panicked, freezing the entire time they took care of her body and only twitching as people tried to console her. Eventually, someone opted to escort her to the palace, which she initially declined. It hadn’t been four days since she declined Zuko’s last offer for her to come back to the palace and she was supposed to go beg him to take her back? She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. But then she saw them wheeling Ena’s lifeless body out of the house and she broke. Azula cried the whole way to the palace, sobbing by the time her servants—who Zuko was apparently telling the truth about—greeted her in her room.</p><p>Zuko was the kindest person in the world to her and she didn’t understand why. She was horrible to him, she treated him like dirt, she ruined his entire life for him. But as she sat there, sobbing into his arms because the last good thing in her life was gone, her last chance at a new start was taken away from her, he did nothing but console her. He told her she could stay in the palace with him, gave her everything she needed, was the nicest goddamned person who could have ever talked her down. She didn’t know how to react. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do when her own brother who she’d nearly fucking killed held her in his arms, sobbing over a woman who was only even around because she was paid to be. It was stupid, pathetic, and yet for some reason, it felt okay. She didn’t stop sobbing, of course, as she had absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do without someone keeping a constant eye on her, but Zuko promised to take care of that too. He assured her he would be getting someone else to help, though she wasn’t convinced they’d ever understand her as well as Ena did.</p><p>After he left, Azula spent a while just lying down in her bed. It was nice and comforting and she never wanted to leave it but eventually she got hungry and decided to head over to the kitchens to request herself a snack. There were so many snacks the palace chefs used to make her that she hadn’t had in ages and she wondered if she used kind words, they would taste even better. She tried it, not expecting much, but somehow, it <em>worked</em>. All she said was a stiff ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, but the chefs made her the greatest chocolate tart she’d ever had. Azula spent her whole life believing that threats were the way to get what you wanted but it was such a simple thing that ended up showing her that it wasn’t so. That maybe, just <em>maybe</em>, kindness could get you even better things. It wasn’t necessarily what she wanted to believe, though, so she elected to ignore it somewhat and left her dishes in the dining room for someone else to take care of. She might try to be better at that someday too, but her therapist just died, and she was sad, and she didn’t want to deal with being a good person yet.</p><p>Unfortunately, life didn’t always work the way you wanted it to, and it turned out the universe was ready her to be the nicest she’d ever been.</p><p>Azula was on her way back to her room to resume her long nap when she heard the voices. Multiple people were talking—servants, she guessed—and someone was hyperventilating. As she got closer, she was able to hear what the people were saying and realized they were trying to find out if someone was okay. Then she heard them address the man by his title and realized it wasn’t just anyone they were worried about; they were trying to find out if <em>Zuko</em> was okay. Azula picked up her pace and ended up finding her brother about the same time Sokka did—she didn’t really understand why Sokka was there, but she didn’t bother to question it either—and they moved to his side quickly, shooing away the servants who were already there. Zuko was shaking on the floor against the wall, his face covered in tears and his chest rising and falling far too heavily for his own good. As Sokka sat to his right, wrapping an arm around him reassuringly, Azula sat in front and gripped tightly onto his hands. She didn’t exactly know what she was doing but she knew <em>precisely </em>what was happening to him because it happened to her so many times over her first year out of prison and thankfully, while she was terrified of doing it wrong, Ena had helped her through enough panic attacks for her to try.</p><p>She spoke softly, saying all the things she remembered her own therapist saying. She gripped onto his hands, trying to ease his shaking, and fighting him when he wanted to get away. Somehow, Zuko only seemed to get worse as it went on, as he was entirely convinced he was okay and wouldn’t stop fighting them. With Azula’s help, Sokka managed to get him to his feet for a minute but he was shaking and sobbing too hard and pulled away from them suddenly. It was Sokka who asked what caused the awful, hand-shaped burn, it all became too much and Zuko slammed back into the wall. They gave him space for a few seconds, but then he started sobbing even harder, choking as he tried to explain that he couldn’t breathe, and yet shrinking away from them when they tried to help. It was terrifying. In all her life, even when she thought she’d seen him at his absolute worse, Azula had never witnessed Zuko in a state like that before. Shaking, sobbing, crying as he struggled to even <em>breathe</em>.</p><p>Though Azula had run out of things to say, Sokka seemed to be an endless pit of words and kept babbling nervously, both to himself and to Zuko as he tried to reassure him. It didn’t work very well, but it was enough for him to get another grip on Zuko. He insisted they were going to go back to his room, where he would get to lie down and relax, and it sounded perfect. Azula wanted to help them, to get Zuko somewhere where he could calm down exactly the way that Ena used to have her do, but it didn’t work out like that. Her brother was too resistant, mumbling something about being fine and okay and not needing help because he was the fucking Fire Lord and should have been able to take care of himself, but they didn’t listen. Sokka dragged Zuko over his shoulder, appearing to carry nearly all of his weight as Sokka was walking while Zuko was only barely shuffling his feet. For the shortest second, Azula believed everything was going to be okay. They were going to take him back to his room, let him lie down in the dark for a bit, and everything would be okay.</p><p>But then his knees buckled out of nowhere and they barely managed to catch Zuko before he dropped flat on the floor. Sokka dove to his knees while Azula caught his waist, unable to stop his dead weight but able to lower him onto Sokka’s lap instead of the hard floor. He wasn’t sleeping, he was flat out unconscious. He’d completely passed out on them, his breathing still shaking and raspy as his tears soaked into Sokka’s pant leg. Azula froze where she sat, while Sokka reached onto Zuko’s neck to check his pulse, shaking his head upon determining that it was not what he wanted to find. Considering he was still breathing so deeply, Azula was sure that his heart was beating too fast and wasn’t surprised that Sokka revealed him to be burning up too after placing a hand to his bright pink face.</p><p>It was horrible. When Zuko had come to her a few days ago, explaining that he was at the end of his rope, she didn’t realize it was quite that bad. She didn’t realize that he was actually on the verge of a complete meltdown, liable to crack at any time. If she knew it was that bad, she— well, she probably wouldn’t have done anything because she was Azula, but looking back, she wished that she could have. She wanted to get him help, to do for him what he’d done for her, even if she didn’t necessarily believe that she was as cured as she was supposed to be. She doubted Zuko believed she was really doing better either, but she had to trust that they could be there for each other. Because, at some point over the last few months, she realized that she cared. Though she never would have thought she’d care, Zuko showing up outside her door so many times and talking for so many hours, helping her to understand him in a way she never did, changed her perspective. Talking to Ena about what Zuko told her changed her perspective.</p><p>Azula froze in place as she slid away from where Sokka was pushing a hand through Zuko’s hair, wiping off some of the sweat and tears that were soaking his pale, flushed face. A tear threatened to fall down her own cheek, but she pushed it away before it could. She would <em>not </em>give into the stress when he needed her to be strong. Though Azula was simply frozen, Sokka was notably shaking, still mumbling to himself as he held Zuko with his left hand and tapped his right anxiously against his leg. It was an awful situation. An awful, horrible situation that no one should have ever been in, but there they were. No one had helped her brother when he needed it and now they were left to pick up the pieces. And as Azula sat there, watching Sokka and her unconscious brother in silence, there was only one thought running through her mind.</p><p>Zuko needed help, and whatever it took, she was going to get it for him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter Eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Though he didn’t realize it, or even have time to think about it right away, Sokka made the decision not to leave the moment he found Zuko in the hallway.</p><p>He knew that Zuko had been through a lot, but he’d never seen him in a state so awful before. The Fire Lord was pale as fuck and shaking worse than anyone he’d ever seen, struggling to breathe so badly that the sounds of his hyperventilating could be heard halfway across the palace. His hands were over his ears, his knees pulled into his chest as he squeezed his eyes shut tight. Azula sat in front of him, trying to calm him down, but he didn’t respond until she physically grabbed his hands, gripping onto them firmly.</p><p>Sokka did what he could, wrapping an arm around Zuko to ease his shaking while Azula recited some scarily helpful words. He wished he could have done more, but he was at an absolute loss. He’d never seen anyone in such an awful state like that before. He’d never even imagined that anyone he knew could make it to that point. Thankfully, they managed to get Zuko to his feet after an argument (he was not fucking fine, regardless of what he said), and a few stumbles, but it wasn’t enough. Zuko panicked after Sokka touched his forearm, ripping away as if he was in pain. While Sokka wanted to believe it was something to do with the panic attack and convinced himself it was that, he was proven wrong soon after when he saw beneath Zuko’s slightly pushed-up sleeve. There was a fresh burn right where Sokka had touched, leading him to realize that the<em> pain </em>must’ve been what caused his friend to rip away.</p><p>Somehow, they managed to get past the moment and brought the shaking Fire Lord to his feet again. Sokka was almost sure they’d be able to get him back to his room that time, reassuring Zuko that he’d get to lie down soon, but it didn’t happen. Suddenly, Zuko’s pale, tear-streaked face fell completely, his eyes sliding shut as his knees buckled and he fell to the floor again, dead limp. Sokka launched into action quickly, dropping onto his own knees to catch Zuko before he hurt himself. He rested Zuko’s head on his thigh as Azula helped him down, letting out a deep sigh of relief when he realized that his friend was still breathing steadily, though his skin was burning, and his pulse was racing far too fast to be healthy. Azula was frozen just about a foot away, her glassy, tear filled eyes fixed on her unconscious brother. Sokka gave her a look that wasn’t half as reassuring as he intended.</p><p>“He needs to rest,” he said, his own voice shaking more than he preferred. “I’m going to— I’m going to bring him back to his room, can you find his physician? He needs— I don’t know. This isn’t my thing. This is Katara’s thing. I fight. I don’t do the healing stuff. I mean, I can deal with a few cuts or bruises, but I don’t— if anyone gets seriously hurt, she takes care of it. And yeah, I know she’s a badass fighter too but I’m kind of freaking out right now so I can’t—”</p><p>“Sokka, shut the fuck up and take him to his bed.” Honestly, Sokka wasn’t sure whether he believed Azula was really good now. Her tone was just as bitchy as she’d ever been. “I will go find Shin, just make sure he doesn’t die before we get back. I wasn’t exactly planning on a coronation this weekend.”</p><p>Rather than dwelling on the fact that that was the second joke about Zuko dying and leaving Azula as Fire Lord in as many days, Sokka slid Zuko into his arms and lifted him up, thanking his past self for training enough to have the muscles to carry him (and for remembering which one of the ten thousand doors belonged to Zuko’s bedroom). Once they arrived, he placed Zuko on the bed carefully, lifting his chin so he’d have his head on the pillows. Sokka stared at him for several long seconds, not entirely sure what he was looking at. Zuko’s face was pale; his cheeks flushed pink and dripping with sweat and tears. His previously perfect hair was halfway to falling apart and Sokka decided to take the liberty of removing his crown and extra hair pins so he could sleep more comfortably.</p><p>Though it seemed wrong and probably was wrong to overthink it, as Sokka sat there in Zuko’s desk chair, watching over him and ensuring that he was okay while he waited for Azula to return with the physician, he couldn’t help but notice that there was something different. He tried to figure out what it was, but all he could land on was that it wasn’t to do with his illness. At least, not what he was experiencing physically; whatever he was noticing was something that had been on Zuko’s face since he landed there three days ago, and it was something he didn’t remember from when they last met. Unfortunately, that left him with countless options as to what it could be, and he didn’t have time to settle on one or even narrow it down before the door opened. Azula and some older woman hustled over to the bed, shooing Sokka away so she could take the chair.</p><p>“Damn kids,” she muttered, clearly speaking to herself rather than either of the other present people. “Lied to my face. I should’ve known better but he’s the Fire Lord so what the hell am I supposed to do? Can’t control him. Just trying to do my goddamn job…”</p><p>It took far too long for her to do said job. Sokka understood that it took time to go through everything and make sure that Zuko was okay, but by the time she finally stood up, Sokka had paced back and forth across the room so many times that Azula ran out of insults to snap at him. Again, he thought to himself that, therapy or not, Azula wasn’t a fun person to be around. Maybe she wasn’t murderous anymore, but she was sure as hell still rude. Even Shin got annoyed at her remarks at a certain point, though she recognized that Azula was the princess and simply gave her the side-eye instead of actually saying anything. After standing up, Shin looked to Sokka and Azula, who stopped pacing and insulting each other long enough to listen.</p><p>“It’s the same thing I said after he passed out last week.” Azula didn’t look surprised, but Sokka’s eyes widened. <em>This wasn’t the first time?</em> His concern increased tenfold. “He’s fine, he’s just working himself too hard. He needs to take more breaks to eat and rest. He told me he’s been eating more this week but looking at his vitals right now, I’m really sure that’s not true. Am I right?”</p><p>“In his defense,” said Sokka, raising a finger, “he has had a <em>lot </em>of tea.”</p><p>“Tea is not food. He needs food. Between the two of you, please, someone make sure he has something to eat when he wakes up. He’ll be fine as long as he stops treating his body like it’s disposable.”</p><p>She said nothing else before stepping out of the room, sending one last look their way. Sokka flopped onto the floor in front of Zuko’s bed seconds after the door closed, staring down at his shoes in disbelief. How the hell could she say he was fine after what happened? There’s no way <em>all </em>of that was caused by malnourishment. Yeah, being tired and hungry could do some serious shit to your mental state but not like that. No lack of food or sleep could drive you to the point of total collapse. At least, not like that. Based on their discussion that morning and what he’d seen over the last three days, Sokka was <em>convinced </em>it was Zuko’s deteriorating mental state that was costing him his physical wellbeing, rather than the other way around.</p><p>“Okay, well, I wouldn’t worry about the food.” Azula wandered over to the door, stopping before she put a hand down. “If past experience tells us anything, he’s not going to wake up until at least tomorrow. Just find yourself some dinner and he can eat something in the morning. I’m going to go make sure my servants aren’t making a mess of my belongings.”</p><p>She didn’t give Sokka a chance to respond before she slid out into the hallway, giving him the shoulder like she couldn’t have cared less about leaving him behind. Again, Sokka found himself with the same thoughts—therapy might have stopped her from trying to kill people, but as unfortunate as it was, there was no cure for chronic bitch syndrome. That said, he was willing to acknowledge the fact that her therapist had just died, and her brother was having a mental breakdown, so she had a lot on her plate. There was still the chance that if he caught her on a good day, she might be more pleasant to spend time around. Not that he was particularly eager to do that, but suddenly he didn’t know how long he’d be there for and the chances of it happening naturally were all the more likely.</p><p>He stopped at the thought. Sokka hadn’t even <em>thought </em>about staying longer and now he’d already made up his mind? <em>Huh.</em> Weird things happened when he wasn’t paying attention to his thoughts. Still, he didn’t mind it getting ahead of him. He could spare another week to help Zuko get back on his feet and still be home in time for winter. Even if he only stayed for one more day, he had to do<em> something</em>. There was no way he could just leave his friend like that, especially knowing he had so little support to help him through his problems. Katara and his dad would definitely agree that he was doing the right thing, wouldn’t they? Zuko needed his help, even if he didn’t know it, and Sokka was going to give it to him.</p><p>The problem with that being that Sokka wasn’t exactly sure what the hell he was supposed to do about Zuko’s mental state, and so he resolved to help him in whatever other ways he could. Azula had already mentioned something about him needing a therapist and, hoping she could take care of that, Sokka resolved to focus his energy on making sure that Zuko could still attend to his duties. Of course, the only way to do that would be to give him more support in that area, which was why, instead of going to the kitchens, Sokka requested that his dinner be brought to his room. He also swiped a few things from Zuko’s desk before he left, hoping that his friend wouldn’t wake up and freak out that they were gone. He was going to put them to good use and return them soon, he swore on it.</p><p>Not that Zuko could actually hear his promises, considering he was passed out when Sokka said them, but it’s the thought that counts, right?</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>By the time the sun came up, Sokka was well-versed—or at least, somewhat-versed—in all of the Fire Nation’s affairs.</p><p>Yes, he sacrificed a lot of sleep for it, but he’d taken enough five-minute naps over the course of the night to get him through the day. A tad drowsily, perhaps, but he’d get through it all the same. He knew Zuko’s schedule like the back of his hand, read up on everyone he was supposed to be meeting with, and figured out exactly what they would be discussing. The servants he continued to ask for things (including an ungodly amount of coffee) were rather confused by his odd requests and the horribly messy state of their poor guest room, but he didn’t have time to care. It took Sokka the entire night to read through each and every scroll, newspaper, book, and whatever else he’d managed to get his hands onto. Most of it was fascinating, and even the stuff that wasn’t was still interesting enough to keep him awake.</p><p>Sokka used every second he had until he couldn’t wait any longer and leapt to his feet, piling scrolls into his hands. He was going to do this. There was no guarantee it was going to work or that Zuko would even <em>let </em>him help but he needed to try. Sokka hurried over to the kitchens to request breakfast and then went straight to Zuko’s room, avoiding the odd stares people gave him as he struggled to hold all the scrolls and various materials in his hands. He practically kicked open the door when he finally reached his destination, not because he wanted to be dramatic but because he had no hands left and could barely open it with all the stuff in his hands. Thankfully, Zuko was not yet awake and didn’t see his awkward fail as he stumbled into the room, nearly dropping several of his scrolls but catching them just in time. He dropped them onto Zuko’s desk, turning over to the window and ripping the curtains open to allow sunlight in as he continued his constant movement right over to the bed where Zuko was lying on his stomach, his face buried in pillows.</p><p>“Time to get up, Jerk Lord.” He poked Zuko several times until he stirred, resuming the obnoxious motion when his friend shoved a hand at his face, proving that he was awake. “Come <em>on</em>. Breakfast will be here any minute and then you have to get dressed for your meeting with the governor of… I don’t remember but I <em>do </em>remember that it was one of your islands and you have to talk about the people who are boycotting… okay, I don’t remember that either but I had like ten hours to catch up on everything you’ve been doing for the last two years so you have to give me <em>some </em>credit.”</p><p>“What are you doing?” Zuko’s voice was quiet and thick with sleep as he flopped back onto his back, shoving one arm under his head, and squinting his eyes while he adjusted to the light. “You thould be leaving right now.”</p><p>“And you should be getting up right now.” Sokka ran around to the other side of Zuko’s bed and took hold of his right arm, forcing him into a seated position. Zuko groaned as he leaned back against the wall, his head slumping forward and causing his tangled hair to fall over his face. Sokka reached onto the bedside table and grabbed a comb, which he promptly shoved into Zuko’s hands. “Come on, you don’t want to be late for your meeting with Governor What’s-His-Face.”</p><p>He didn’t move an inch, coughing as he cleared the sleep from his throat. “What’s-<em>Her</em>-Face, actually.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s what I said. Oh, breakfast!”</p><p>He hopped away from the bed when he heard the knock on the door, not stopping to wonder whether he was actually excited or just had <em>way </em>too much energy from all the coffee he’d consumed in the last ten hours. Sokka took the tray of food from the servant gratefully, turning straight back around to hand it over to Zuko, who still had yet to lift his head. At first, Sokka thought he was just being bitter, but upon closer inspection found that his eyes were closed again as if he were already back asleep. Sokka sighed. His plan was never going to work if Zuko was going to just sleep through all his work, so he had to get him up before it was too late.</p><p>“Okay, come on,” he said, flopping onto the bed beside Zuko and taking the comb back from his hands. “You’ve been sleeping for like, twelve hours. You seriously need to get up now, we don’t have a lot of time left. Eat your breakfast.”</p><p>“No, I— what the hell are you doing?!” Zuko tore away from him, one of the strangest expressions on his face as he reacted to the fact that Sokka was trying to comb his hair. “Why are you even still here? You’re supposed to be on your way to Kyoshi Island!”</p><p>“Uh, I’m doing your hair because you don’t need to start your day with a thousand servants on you—don’t worry, I did Katara’s all the time when we were younger, I’m practically an expert—and because you need to eat something that’s not a gallon of tea with a side of a single berry.” Sokka reached over to where he’d left the tray, grabbing a plate of fruit and placing it in front of Zuko, who gave him a look when he resumed combing his hair. “Jerk. Eat. Now. Please.”</p><p>Zuko opened his mouth presumably to argue but didn’t get the chance as Sokka cut him off by shoving some kind of pink fruit into his mouth before he could say a word. Of course, the look on Zuko’s face was far from a happy one, and Sokka froze in his place until the Fire Lord rolled his eyes, biting into the fruit and gesturing for Sokka to continue with what he was doing. He breathed out a sigh of relief, dragging the comb back through Zuko’s hair. Admittedly, he hadn’t actually done Katara’s hair more than three or four times since he was like, eleven, but it couldn’t be <em>that </em>hard, right? Zuko was eating something and he didn’t look so sick anymore so that was a start, and he didn’t want to make it worse by letting a bunch of people put their hands on him.</p><p>Though he still consumed notably more tea than he did actual food, Zuko ate enough to count as a meal and Sokka managed to get his hair into a mostly professional topknot. It was a little messy, sure, but Zuko seemed fine with it when he looked in the mirror, so he decided to say it was good enough and just go with it. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Zuko wandering around with a half-assed ponytail for the first two days he was there. Anything had to be better than that.</p><p>While he waited for Zuko to get dressed, Sokka reviewed the scrolls he’d dumped on the desk, ensuring that he was fully prepared for each of the meetings he’d invited himself to. He still hadn’t told Zuko about that part and hoped it would go all right, though it was impossible to tell how his friend was going to react; especially given that when he’d wandered off a minute ago, he was still shuffling his feet like he was half-asleep. At first, Sokka was grateful for the extra time to review what he’d been working on, but eventually, after several minutes of waiting for his friend to come back, he was just restless. What if Zuko wasn’t really getting ready, he’d wandered off? What if something happened to him again? What if someone told the press about what happened and the entire Fire Nation turned against him because let’s face it, regardless of who’s leading them, they’re still kind of a nation of assholes?</p><p>Thankfully, none of those turned out to be the case and about twenty minutes after he’d disappeared, Zuko returned. His face still looked pale and tired, but he was dressed in his traditional Fire Lord robes, proving that based on appearances, he was ready to get back to work. Sokka scooped up a few documents and scrolls from the desk, giving Zuko a look to confirm that he was ready to go before they ducked out the door. Though he’d been leading the way before, Sokka had to surrender control to Zuko since he knew<em> which</em> room the meeting was in, but he didn’t know <em>where</em> said room was. When they reached the room, Zuko stopped, as if he were going to thank Sokka and send him on his way, but Sokka refused to be kicked out that quickly and pushed right on past him to the table in the middle of the dark red, fire-lit room. He dropped his things onto the table, taking the seat to the left of the one still open for Zuko at the far end of the room.</p><p>“Hi,” he said, stumbling over his words more than he’d care to as he shook hands with the nearby politicians. “I’m Sokka. Representative of the Water Tribe.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Zuko interrupted, before anyone could respond, “he’s staying with here at the palace for a bit and wanted to share his ideas. He’s a really great strategist though, I promise you won’t be disappointed.”</p><p>Sokka wanted to say something but turned away instead to hide his embarrassed smile. In his silence, someone else spoke up, her tone mildly confused. “I thought Alana was the Water Tribe’s Ambassador?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Sokka nodded, taking the question despite the look Zuko shot him. “But she’s from the Northern Water Tribe and I’m from the Southern Water Tribe and they’re sister tribes but not so connected like the Earth Kingdom so I’m just here to… yeah. Sorry. I’ll let you get on with the meeting.”</p><p>He did. He sat there through the entire meeting, supplying Zuko with information when he blanked and swooping in with some of the best ideas he’d ever had.  They sorted everything out in a timely manner and then moved onto the next meeting, and the next one, and the one after that, and Sokka couldn’t decide whether he was having the time of his life or wanted to end his life. On the one hand, it never stopped and more than anything he wanted a few minutes of silence, but on the other, he was really enjoying what he was doing. In every meeting, he made a difference. Everything he did had an impact on someone, and he could <em>see</em> the changes being made as the plans were built in front of him. He never imagined enjoying politics above fighting but there he was, changing the world one issue at a time.</p><p>Everything went well for most of the day. They got through all the meetings no problem, Sokka and Zuko almost acting as a tag team with ideas. All things aside, they worked together ridiculously well and even the visitors noted that, not to mention Zuko’s regular team who quickly accepted Sokka into the inner circle despite his abrupt appearance. It was during dinner—a business dinner, so the room was filled with visitors and members of the council—when they really started to praise him on his creativity and ingenuity when it came to plans, congratulating him on how many of his spur of the moment ideas had been accepted throughout the morning and later in the afternoon. Sokka soaked in the praise, thanking everyone who bowed to him and talked him up as he tried to eat his meal.</p><p>“Thank you, thank you,” he said again, smiling as he poked around his plate. “It’s nothing, really. I just throw ideas out there and sometimes they stick. It’s…”</p><p>His voice trailed off and immediately someone else started speaking, apparently not having noticed that he quit his babbling for a reason. At the end of the table, Zuko had dropped his chopsticks onto his nearly untouched plate, sliding back quickly as he excused himself to the people nearest to him. Sokka could hear someone people talking to him but chose not to pay attention to what they were saying, just nodding along and saying ‘thanks’ a few more times before he too stood up, abandoning his delicious food in favor of following Zuko out of the dining hall. Unfortunately, it took Sokka just too long to get away and by the time he was in the hallway, Zuko was long gone. No one around had seen where he went either, leaving Sokka to wander on his own. He checked everywhere in the palace, looking in the training room, throne room, his bedroom, and everywhere else he could think of, but nothing. Zuko was nowhere to be seen.</p><p>At a loss and growing concerned, Sokka decided to take a shortcut back to the dining hall, hoping he might have returned by then. Instead of finding him back at the table, however, Sokka stumbled upon Zuko on accident as he passed through the courtyard. He didn’t notice him at first and was about to turn into a doorway when he saw movement out of his peripheral and turned back around. Of course, Zuko was not back at the dining table or hiding out in one of the other rooms, but sitting beneath that same tree beside the pond, his knees pulled up to his chest with his head resting upon his arms. Sokka sighed and walked over to him, sitting down, and looking to the turtle ducks swimming around the pond before he spoke.</p><p>“You good, Zuko?”</p><p>He nodded, not turning his gaze. “I’m tired.”</p><p>“Do you want to call it quits for the day?” When Zuko failed to respond, Sokka elaborated, assuming his silence had to do with a feeling of responsibility. “I mean, I know you can’t really just wander off since you’re the Fire Lord and all, but I can distract the dinner people if you want to just—”</p><p>“Why are you being nice to me?” As soon as he spoke, Zuko shook his head as if he regretted opening his mouth. “I mean, not why you’re being nice, I know why you’re being nice, but why are you <em>helping</em> me? You aren’t even supposed to be here anymore, but you spent the entire day covering for my ass when I froze and dragging me around so I wasn’t late for anything and I don’t get it. Why? Why would you bother coming to all my shit with me? Why didn’t you just go home like you were supposed to?”</p><p>“Because Jerk Lord or not, you’re my friend. I couldn’t just leave you here after yesterday.”</p><p>“Yeah, you could have, but you didn’t.”</p><p>Sokka opened his mouth to say something but ended up closing it without a word. He didn’t know how to respond. Zuko was right; he could have gone home but he stayed. He could have left Zuko to deal with his meetings and his health on his own, but he caught up on everything to help him through it. He could have admitted he was out of his depth but instead he did the best he could to make his friend feel better. He could have admitted that he was struggling too and gotten help, and instead he buried himself in Zuko’s problems to avoid dealing with his own. But he couldn’t bring it to himself to think about that, so he pushed the thoughts away and did the exact thing he was pretending he wasn’t.</p><p>“That’s what friends do.” Sokka shrugged casually, hoping it would give off the effect he was going for. “Honestly, I don’t have much to go home to right now anyway, so it’s not going to kill me to spend another week here. You sure you’re all right, though? I know you’re tired, but are you…?”</p><p>He shook his head. “No, actually. I’m spent from talking to so many people but that’s pretty much normal. I’ve never really been good at conversation, even when I was a kid. I just get weird around people and it seriously drains me. But in terms of business, you kind of saved my ass, so thanks. I think. I probably would’ve stayed in bed and sent the whole palace into a panic about my health if you hadn’t dragged me out.”</p><p>“Anytime. When we’re on the same continent, at least.” He nudged Zuko’s shoulder jokingly, but Zuko didn’t even smile. “Okay, well, I’m going to go back to the dining room now and see if I can get those old geezers to leave. Are you coming with or do you want me to tell them you got caught up putting out another fire? Or a better analogy because that one doesn’t work so well considering we’re in the literal Fire Nation?”</p><p>“It’s fine.” Zuko <em>almost </em>smiled but stood up before he could, offering a hand to help Sokka to his feet as well. “I just needed a minute; I really shouldn’t be walking out on meetings just because I’m tired. I need to prove that I’m just as capable of running this nation as people twice or three times my age. Honestly, I feel like I’m a confident leader, but I’m just a shit person, and— there’s a lot of these old guys who don’t believe I can do this, and with everything going on I’m kind of showing them they’re right, so…”</p><p>“So, we will go prove them wrong. Come on.” After rising to his feet, Sokka held out his elbow, gesturing for Zuko to link up with him. “Zuko, come <em>on</em>. Let’s go mock the hell out of those old guys.”</p><p>“That does not sound like a good idea. Actually, that sounds like the exact opposite of what I’ve been trying to do.”</p><p>“Well, if they’re going to keep ignoring you and acting like old dicks just because you’re younger, then what are you supposed to do? Don’t just take this shit, put them in their place. They might be older but you’re the fucking Fire Lord! If they don’t like you, you don’t have to keep them around. There’s more than one person who can do a job.”</p><p>“Actually, depending on who you’re talking about—” Zuko groaned and cut himself off when Sokka again nudged his elbow into the Fire Lord’s side. “Okay, fine. You can mock them. Not mock the <em>hell </em>out of them, though. No going too far because they might be able to be replaced but if I lose them I don’t know who can take their jobs and I don’t want to have to replace everyone in the middle of all this, so.”</p><p>“In that case, I’ll just win them all over with my charm.” He smiled widely, losing the expression only when Zuko did not so much as attempt to return it. “Smile, Zuko. You’re doing a good job.”</p><p>“Wish I felt like it.”</p><p>Sokka forced Zuko to link arms with him after that, holding his own head up high though his friend didn’t follow. He didn’t expect his vacation to go the way it did, but he knew it was better like that. Zuko needed help, and even though they weren’t <em>that</em> close, if Sokka had to be that person, he would. <em>Nobody </em>was allowed to hurt his friends, including themselves. So, even if he only had a short time to do it in, Sokka was determined to help Zuko become more confident so he could finally become the person he’d always wanted to be.</p><p>The Fire Lord that the people <em>needed </em>him to be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter Twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After a while, Zuko honestly wasn’t sure whether Sokka was hanging around for a reason or if he’d just forgotten to go home.</p><p>For the longest time, Zuko had no one to hold him accountable. He could skip meals, get the bare minimum sleep, and talk himself down all he wanted. But suddenly, Sokka was there, and he wasn’t going away. At first he said he’d be leaving after three days, but that three days came and went, and he was still there. He didn’t actually say anything about deciding to stay, he just sort of fell into a daily routine with Zuko, where they functioned almost like a tag team. They shared conversations at meals, fought against the old geezers during meetings, and had their best ideas when they were working off each other. Even some of the most stubborn of Zuko’s staff agreed that they were a surprisingly strong duo, as Zuko was good at basic ideas and Sokka had the astute ability to flesh those ideas into fully formed plans. Within the first few days, Zuko was already so used to Sokka being there that he honestly didn’t know how he’d ever functioned without him.</p><p>After those first few days, Sokka promised he’d stick around for another week to make sure that everything was all right with Zuko (which he didn’t protest, because as much as he hated being supervised, he really did enjoy having a friend around), but that week was long gone too. Zuko couldn’t exactly blame him, considering it took him the entirety of that week for him to get back onto a regular schedule with both eating and sleeping and another week beyond that to maintain it, though he did realize it wasn’t Sokka’s responsibility and the fact that he stuck around in spite of that was odd. He’d always known that Sokka was protective as hell but Zuko never saw himself as one of the people he’d be protecting, and yet that seemed to be exactly what was happening.</p><p>At some point they’d just stopped talking about Sokka leaving at all and suddenly, it was a month later, winter already started, and Sokka was still no closer to leaving. Not that Zuko <em>wanted</em> him to leave but it was honestly really weird that he showed up out of absolutely nowhere saying that he needed to get supplies and go right back to the tribe, and then never actually went back at all. Especially considering just how dedicated he was to his home. Zuko knew that Sokka loved the Southern Water Tribe more than anything in the world, but he still didn’t seem particularly eager to get back and that part was far too bizarre for Zuko to even begin to theorize about.</p><p>Sometimes, when he got really curious, Zuko tried to ask Sokka why he was still hanging around, but Sokka always deflected the question. He sometimes gave that same bullshit about making sure that Zuko was all right, though that stopped working after he finally got back on a real schedule. While his long-term issues such as anxiety and depression didn’t go away, he was in much better shape and no longer drowsy all day, nor did he feel almost perpetually sick. He couldn’t give Sokka <em>all </em>the credit, of course, since— okay, so Sokka did pretty much deserve all the credit but that didn’t mean his effort didn’t count. Though, he <em>did </em>at points, put in so little effort that it really meant nothing. Either way, it didn’t matter. Somehow, he’d gotten better. Not perfect, not even really good, but better than he was and good enough to convince everyone that the week around Sokka’s arrival was just a brief illness and they had no reason to worry about their Fire Lord.</p><p>Over the month he was there, Sokka continued to improve in his work. He confessed that at first, he was only coming to meetings to help Zuko and make sure everything was all right, but then he got really into it and started treating it like he really <em>was </em>the representative of the Water Tribe, despite not honestly doing much in that regard. Yes, he talked about it when it was relevant, but he mostly got deep into the affairs of the Fire Nation (Zuko hadn’t replaced Manzo yet, and Sokka kind of stole most of his duties for the time being), which absolutely fascinated him for some reason. To Zuko, it was just the stuff he learned about in school and the stuff he had to deal with for the sake of the world, but Sokka just buried himself in the books, the scrolls, the lore. He asked Zuko way too many questions and ended up falling asleep on his window bench at least four times because they were up so late talking (without fail, it was always Zuko who conked out first and Sokka who didn’t bother to leave, but no one had to know that).</p><p>Though a lot of people were confused in the beginning, everyone adjusted to Sokka’s presence rather quickly and pretty much accepted the fact that he was almost always at Zuko’s side. They made a good team diplomatically and in terms of friendship, Zuko was grateful to have someone around. Finally, he could make public appearances with someone to keep him sane during the breaks, he could go to boring as fuck dinners and have someone there who could almost make him laugh, he could freak out and need a quick escape without needing to come up with an excuse or go through the panic by himself. It was nice and refreshing and even though he knew it couldn’t last forever, there was a large part of Zuko that really wished Sokka wouldn’t have to leave, which was part of the reason he didn’t bring it up more often than he felt obligated to. If Sokka wanted to hang around the palace and be friends with him for <em>him </em>instead of his title, he wasn’t about to say no.</p><p>Even when Sokka wasn’t with him, Zuko wasn’t completely alone, as Azula was still staying in the palace too. She wasn’t particularly friendly and rarely came out of her room, but she was there, and she listened when he talked and that was what mattered. She was comfortable, she was okay, and she even cooperated with the replacement therapist he picked out for her which he honestly wasn’t expecting. Of course, he also wasn’t expecting her to keep suggesting a therapist to <em>him</em>, but it wasn’t like there was anything he could do but ignore her. If there was one thing that would tip people off to the fact that he was secretly a mentally unstable piece of shit, it was talking to a person who was literally paid to help him get past the fact that he was a mentally unstable piece of shit.</p><p>Speaking of unstable, Zuko’s mind was not the only thing that kept freaking out on him. No, because he’d gotten back on a normal sleep schedule, but it was almost a curse as he was practically forced to fall asleep at the time he’d adjusted to, regardless of where he was. That meant, in the last month, he’d fallen asleep in his own bed probably half the time, and the rest of the days were a mix of his study, his desk, his window, the garden, and Sokka’s floor. Not always because he was talking to Sokka, though Zuko did go in there to talk to him about as often as Sokka came over to talk to him, but sometimes he just didn’t want to be alone. He wouldn’t admit to that, and covered it up with a load of excuses, yet it was the truth and the reason he’d woken up on Sokka’s floor at least six times since he’d arrived.</p><p>It was in that very same place, lying on his side with a pillow beneath his head and a blanket draped over him where Zuko woke up that morning. He never actually intended to fall asleep on the floor, just wanting to sit and talk for a while, but whenever he <em>did </em>fall asleep, Sokka made him comfortable and quite frankly, it was annoying as shit. He wasn’t a baby and while he did really like the fact that Sokka was nice enough to take care of him like that, he didn’t <em>need </em>to be taken care of like that and <em>maybe </em>he sought it out sometimes but it wasn’t anything to do with Sokka himself, it was just that Zuko had no one else to turn to since his uncle was in Ba Sing Se and even if Azula was being civil with him, she wasn’t at all sweet the way Sokka was or helpful the way Sokka was or—</p><p>—leaving the way Sokka was.</p><p>Technically, Zuko didn’t actually have any proof that Sokka would be leaving any time soon, but it was the only thing that made sense. Ever since their first night spent rewriting the Fire Nation’s laws, Sokka had been heavily involved in the process and decision making, and Zuko assumed that the reason he was staying <em>had </em>to be that. He was just seeing it through to completion and once that was over, he’d be going back to the tribe like he was supposed to. He’d be getting back to the life he was meant to be living, rather than this one where he was probably suffering daily because he was basically a glorified nanny to the Fire Lord. As soon as the laws went through, possibly even right after Zuko’s announcement that afternoon, Sokka would be leaving.</p><p>Regardless of his silence on the situation, Zuko knew his friend had accomplished he wanted to do there, and he needed to get back to the Water Tribe. He was going to leave and Zuko would go right back to his deteriorating state of loneliness and anxieties and he would have no one to care about him anymore. He got so used to Sokka’s constant presence and accessibility over the last month that he didn’t know what he would do without him. He didn’t even know if he <em>could </em>do anything without him because all his recovery was dependent on the fact that <em>Sokka</em> pressured him to take care of himself. <em>Sokka </em>sat there and made sure he didn’t just drown himself in tea. <em>Sokka</em> stayed in his room until he was back on a healthy sleep schedule. <em>Sokka</em> made excuses for him when he hit his limit and needed to get away from everyone. <em>Sokka</em> <em>took care of him</em>.</p><p>Zuko shoved the blanket off himself suddenly, hopping to his feet as he shoved his hands through his tangled hair. His thoughts got away from him a <em>lot </em>there. He was way, way, way off topic and he needed to get out of the room because suddenly, he couldn’t breathe. He started to pace over to the door, to get out and go get ready for the day but stopped the moment he turned around. Sokka was lying flat on his stomach, half-covered with a blanket and otherwise shirtless with his dark hair falling all over his face. Zuko stared at him for several seconds, his gaze sliding from the silky, messy hair spilling across his shining brown skin to his ridiculously toned shoulders and the perfect line down the center of his back. It was a long damn moment but once he got past it, Zuko shook his head and snapped back to reality, pushing another hand through his hair anxiously as he hurried out of the room.</p><p>
  <em>What. The. Fuck.</em>
</p><p>He didn’t let himself dwell on the foreign, painful, anxiety-ridden thoughts, no matter how much he wanted to dissect them and figure out what the hell was happening in his brain and fluttering around in his stomach. He had a seriously busy day ahead of him—the anticipatory, insomniatic nerves of which were what brought him into Sokka’s room in the first place—what with the lawmakers and the repealing and all that shit they’d been working on for the past month, and he couldn’t be distracted by petty things like that. Not when he had so much to do, so many decisions to make, so many documents to sign, and so many fucking thoughts running through his head that by the time he finally got back to his room he didn’t know what he was doing. His mind was swirling, and he was so busy trying to figure out what the hell was happening that he barely managed to get dressed without falling on his face.</p><p>Though he should have known that it would backfire, Zuko, for some reason, decided that the best idea would be to stay in his room and not go to breakfast. He was just stressed. He was really fucking stressed and he needed a few minutes to think about it because, after all, he was announcing several large changes in the law that day and he had no idea how the people were going to react. Plus, he had to give a whole speech and shit about it because his stupid advisors were convinced that the people needed his face to go with the announcement. While he thought he could have just put out an announcement and called it good, apparently that just wasn’t as great as it would be if it were accompanied by a grand event and over-the-top speech for the people.</p><p>After several minutes of scattered pacing, someone sent food to Zuko’s room, but he didn’t eat a bite. All he could think about was having to stand in front of the entire capital and giving a speech that he could barely remember. He hoped beyond anything he would be able to figure it out or at least make something up that was half as good, but he had no guarantee, so he gave up thinking about it and went into the other room to let people do his hair and face and find all the stupid clothes he had to wear for the appearance. He almost asked for Sokka at one point, but having acknowledged his clingy feelings earlier, decided that he wasn’t going to. It was bad enough that Sokka was already sacrificing his entire life to stay there in the Fire Nation for whatever reason, he didn’t need Zuko up in his personal space just because he thought he was nice and caring and somehow filled the emotionally-dependent void that was left in him when he and Iroh parted ways.</p><p>While he didn’t know whether to blame it on his own fear of his upcoming appearance or the fact that he had at least a dozen people helping him get ready for it, Zuko was shaking like hell by the time he left that room. Azula was the first one to call him out on it, leaning out of her doorway and making some comment about how that was <em>not </em>the image he was supposed to be presenting to the people, but Zuko blocked it out. No one else said a word about how bad he looked, likely recognizing that he was the Fire Lord and out of their range of authority, and he was thankful for that because it let a little more weight off his shoulders. That said, he was even more thankful for the person who came running down the hall towards them, and couldn’t help but smile as he watched him fumble about with all the scrolls in his arms.</p><p>Sokka’s hair was tied up somewhat sloppily but Zuko didn’t say a word about it. It wasn’t like<em> he</em> was the one going up to stand in front of a thousand people, so why did it matter? He was wearing extra professional Fire Nation clothing, however, which Zuko appreciated given that he would be standing at the front even if he weren’t really where the people would be looking. Sokka’s eager expression turned to one of concern as he got closer to Zuko, who was suddenly even more aware of the fact he was shaking. Rather than saying anything about it, Sokka just slid to his left side, nudging away whoever was standing there before. Zuko wasn’t sure that Sokka knew what he was doing and had no other reason to believe that he did, but he’d done it countless times since arriving and it was one of the nicest gestures he could’ve made whether he was aware of it or not. No one else had ever been so cautious and courteous about Zuko’s weak points before and if it were something he wanted to talk about, he’d have thanked Sokka a thousand times over already.</p><p>“Okay, I have a copy of your speech,” said Sokka, not saying a word about Zuko’s shaking, “a copy of all the laws you’re repealing and making changes to, Fire Nation maps, Earth Kingdom maps, Water Tribe maps, global maps, and some Air Temple maps because I was just grabbing a lot of things and we probably aren’t going to need these but you never know. Oh, and I also got Azula. She wasn’t going to come but I talked to her this morning and she said she’ll put on a nice dress or something and be princess for the day. I don’t know if that means anything or if you actually wanted her there but if you did, she’s coming. I just thought you’re facing all these other fears head on, so we might as well see how the people react to her being back in the palace, right?”</p><p>“Mm.” Zuko nodded, unable to form words. He rubbed his hands together, trying and failing to rid himself of his sweaty palms. “Hey, Sokka, I wanted to say thanks for helping me with all this. You’ve been so great with all this law shit. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t here.”</p><p>“Yeah, I don’t know what you would’ve done without me either. I mean, seriously. You didn’t realize that fining <em>babies </em>was wrong. Yes, I know you were on the fence about it and not just flat out confused but— Zuko, I’m joking. You’re welcome. It was actually a lot of fun to help with.”</p><p>“Well, I’m glad you thought that part was fun because this part is not.”</p><p>They stopped walking just in front of the entrance to the council chamber, where the other politicians were already waiting for Zuko’s arrival. His heart pounded faster in his chest as they stopped, and he took a deep breath to help himself relax. He thought he’d gotten better over the last month but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he wasn’t any less anxious, just more protected. Before becoming Fire Lord he’d had Iroh, and before that he’d had his mother. He always had <em>someone </em>to keep his anxieties under control and for a while, he didn’t, and so it got bad, but now he had Sokka. He had Sokka and while he couldn’t exactly stand on stage with him, the thought that he was around was comforting. That if he freaked out and fell over his words, there would be at least one person there who <em>probably</em> wouldn’t think of him as an absolute failure.</p><p>Zuko thought he was being subtle about his steadily boiling anxiety, but Sokka proved him wrong. When he turned to open the door to the council chamber, Sokka nudged him in the shoulder, likely substituting for a reassuring pat since he had no hands left to spare. Really, Zuko wasn’t sure why he always brought so much stuff along to meetings, but he came to like it over the last few weeks. While Sokka’s extra materials weren’t always necessary, sometimes they ended up being remarkably useful, especially during impromptu arguments with the old assholes who didn’t care much for their current Fire Lord. Somehow, they always had the perfect responses to each other’s comments which, in a way, made Zuko feel like he finally found someone who could locate the meaning behind his anxiety-ridden babbles, and what the hell was at the end of the sentences he could never find the rest of.</p><p>Unable to spare another moment for his thoughts, Zuko pushed the door open; Sokka following behind him and placing his materials on the table before taking the seat to Zuko’s left, which he’d pretty much claimed as his own at that point. There were way too many people in the room and Zuko felt his breath catch for a moment as he sat down, his worries alleviated only by the fact that they weren’t meant to be discussing anything new that day. Instead, they were just reviewing everything they’d been going over for the past month to be sure that everyone was on the same page and make any last-minute changes to things that might need to be adjusted. This went fairly smoothly for the most part, though things got a tad heated around some of the more risky decisions and they came to a flat out halt when Zuko heard they’d made changes to what was easily one of the most notable laws currently in place.</p><p>“Wait, what the hell is this?” Zuko flipped over his page, dragging another scroll nearby to confirm that what he was seeing on his own paper wasn’t a fluke. “Why is this crossed out? Who crossed this out?”</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko,” said one of the eldest of the men at the table, “we were speaking this morning and we believe your initial decision was correct. We should hold off on repealing this law until we can be sure how the people are going to react.”</p><p>“Yeah, but remember that I changed my mind because Sokka showed me that this law isn’t just halting marriage, it’s taking away people’s rights? Their freedom? Their ability to <em>live</em>? I was sick and out of my mind when I told you to push it back. Sokka and I discussed it and we decided it’s getting repealed. This is happening.”</p><p>“Sir, with all due respect, if you do this, you’re going to be risking an all-out riot. You don’t know how the people are going to react after a century of this being the normal.”</p><p>Sokka shoved his chair back, hands almost slamming down onto the table. “Hey, I know this is a heated topic, but you’re arguing with the<em> Fire Lord</em>. And regardless of what you think, he’s very obviously in the right. People have <em>died </em>because of this law and you think it’s fine to keep it in place? Honestly, I think it’s better to let it go and have the people do what they want. If they riot, they riot, but whoever is willing to do that doesn’t deserve to be as happy as the people who just want to live without being terrified of falling in love.”</p><p>“Either way, there’s a chance that people are going to die, and we can’t—”</p><p>“People are already dying! Suicides, murders, all because his stupid ancestors thought it would be a great idea to outlaw same-sex relationships. Look at the Earth Kingdom, for example. It’s outlawed there and they have the highest suicide rate of the four nations. Do you want to take their place? Because <em>that’s </em>what you’re moving towards right now. People killing themselves to escape the shit you’re putting them through with these regulations. Zuko, please, do not take their side on this. The riots are <em>nothing </em>compared to the law. It needs to go. <em>Now</em>.”</p><p>“For your information,” said another man, reading off a scroll in front of him, “our statistics say the Fire Nation is third for deaths relating to homosexuality right now, so we’re doing better than anyone else. It’s your precious Water Tribe that’s nearing the Earth Kingdom’s rates right now.”</p><p>“And you think I don’t want to do anything about that?” Sokka snapped. He was tense, <em>so </em>tense, and Zuko wanted to reach out to reassure him but didn’t know how. He knew how to be the one comforted, he just couldn’t give the comfort back. “It’s not the same thing. You’re in a position where you can make a change <em>right now</em>. The Water Tribe is in a whole other cycle of centuries old traditions and values and those can be broken too but it’s not as simple. It’s not like this. And for <em>your </em>information, those statistics only flipped after Zuko took over as Fire Lord and stopped enforcing the laws. Right, Zuko?”</p><p>He froze. He wanted to say something, to agree that Sokka was right because everything he’d been taught his whole life was wrong and he knew that and he <em>knew </em>that he needed to legalize same-sex relationships but everyone was staring at him and he didn’t know what he was supposed to say. Zuko stood up, glancing over at Sokka who was still leaning on the table enraged, then looked to the other men and women around the table in silence. All he had to say was that he was going to do it. He was going to stick to the original plan and have the law repealed along with the rest. He was going to make a difference and give these people their lives back and be one of the greatest and most appreciated Fire Lords of all history because he <em>helped </em>people. He was there when they needed them and even though it took him a bit with settling into office and dealing with the aftermaths of war, he did the right thing. He undid the things that never should have been done in the first place and all those old homophobes could damn the consequences or get the fuck out of his nation.</p><p>That was not what came out of his mouth.</p><p>“I, uh, the original plan was good,” he started, stumbling over every word and unable to keep his eyes from flickering between the two-dozen people who were staring at him. “Arresting people for falling in love is not good. We need to make changes to this nation and that means taking, err, taking risks and… you know… giving people freedom to make their own choices. Actually, compared to other laws, a century isn’t even that long, so most people probably still remember their grandparents being fine with— okay, that’s not working, you’re too stubborn. Listen, <em>I’m</em> the fucking Fire Lord and I’m going to do whatever the hell I want. This needs to happen and I don’t know if now is the right time to do it or not but I do <em>not</em> want to listen to you old dicks trying to change my mind anymore, so. That’s how I feel about that. I have no idea what I’m going to announce. I’m sorry. I need to go throw up.”</p><p>Though he felt like running away, Zuko walked out of the council room as confidently as he could. The room was already bursting with more talk, Sokka appearing to be torn between following after Zuko and fighting against the old guys. The other people must have won in the end, because he didn’t come out of the room behind Zuko, though it wasn’t a big deal. He was flustered and embarrassed, but he was still in control which was more than he could say for past experiences, especially when it came to this topic. He knew that same-sex relationships were okay. He knew that repealing the law would be okay. He knew that everything going on in his mind was irrational and he just needed to repeal it because it should have been done ages ago but he couldn’t shut up his stupid, selfish fears of what might happen if he did it. Not because he was afraid of the potential backlash, but because he was <em>terrified </em>of someone seeing through him. Seeing right into the thoughts he’d spent his whole life burying and asking public questions about a thing he couldn’t even think about by himself.</p><p>If there was one thing Zuko learned from his childhood, it was that he was a failure. At firebending, at school, at socializing—at <em>everything</em>. As much as he liked to claim he’d gotten past that, and despite coming to terms with his father’s abuse, he continued to partake in the same self-destructive habits he’d picked up as a child. He did realize once, a <em>long</em> time ago, that he thought boys were attractive. He managed to admit that much to himself. But what he couldn’t be rid of was the belief that it was a one-time thing and that he’d just gone through a phase when he was about ten or eleven. It was short, he knew it was wrong, and the thoughts went away quickly so he did his best not to think about it anymore. Except it was really damn hard not to think about when the only reason the thoughts went away in the first place was because he was so good at repressing them, which left him in a whole other dilemma because even if he could get himself to <em>stop </em>thinking about boys, he couldn’t get himself to <em>start </em>thinking about girls.</p><p>Over the months following his coronation, too many people had suggested to Zuko too many women he could marry. Yes, they were thinking in political terms and a few of them were at least considerate enough to say Mai would be good since she was a noble, but he didn’t <em>want </em>to marry a woman. He didn’t know that he wanted to get married at all and yet, that seemed to be such a sure part of his life. He tried to escape it but that failed, and he was left trying to escape himself. He did his best to pretend that he <em>did </em>love Mai, so he could at least be with someone he cared about, but that fell apart and he was back in the same place of trying to pretend romance wasn’t a thing, yet being reminded of it at every corner because girls liked him for some reason. He didn’t even like himself but <em>goddamn </em>there were a lot of girls who threw themselves at him whenever he went out in public. Obviously, he owed them nothing given his status, but all it did was remind him that, no matter how much effort he put into it, he didn’t like girls. He <em>couldn’t </em>like girls. Not like that. But, even if he didn’t like girls, it didn’t necessarily mean he that he <em>did </em>like boys. He couldn’t—</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko?” It was a woman who caught up to him in the hall several minutes later, a sheet of paper in her hands and square glasses at the tip of her nose. “They’re ready for you to speak.”</p><p>He swallowed hard as he turned around, his hands beginning to shake all over again. He still had no idea what decision he was going to make, and he didn’t have nearly enough time to figure it out.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter Thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To say that Sokka was aware of what he was doing would be a lie.</p><p>Though he was very actively avoiding his problems by way of burying himself in the affairs of the Fire Nation, that wasn’t what he was intending to do. He was just trying to help out his friend, and then he started picking up work from the guy that Zuko fired, and somehow he’d gotten attached to that work and involved himself in things that he really had no business in. Did the laws of the Fire Nation affect him? No, not directly. At least, not the ones they were making changes to. But the more he went over them with Zuko, the more connected he felt, and he decided that he needed to see the project through. Which was, of course, why he ended up staying far longer than he intended. It wasn’t a big deal though, right? Katara told him that they would be fine without him for a few days, and if they would be fine without him for a few days then they would be fine without him forever because he wasn’t good enough and he <em>couldn’t</em> be good enough because no amount of effort ever proved progressive. No amount of effort made him the person he was trying to be, so he shielded himself with things he was good at and hid from the ones he struggled with.</p><p>The issue of LGBT+ rights was the one that Sokka was most involved in. At first, Zuko was hesitant to repeal the law, though it was difficult to tell why. He assured Sokka he absolutely believed those people deserved rights, but each time Sokka questioned why he was still hesitating to actually give them those rights, Zuko changed his answer. There could be backlash, he’s already talked to law enforcement, he has another plan for that, it’s more complicated than Sokka thinks—there were a thousand reasons that Zuko seemed to have not to do it and what scared Sokka the most was that Zuko didn’t <em>want</em> to do it. That secretly, he himself was homophobic. Sokka never asked him whether he was, knowing full well that Zuko would deny it if it were true, and not wanting to tip him off to the fact that maybe Sokka was a little bit very kind of a part of one of those first four letters in the acronym. After all, while he wanted to believe the best, Zuko <em>had </em>been raised in a nation where homosexuality was outlawed, which meant there was every chance he could be against it.</p><p>And that, obviously, was why he bit off every last fingernail he had while waiting for Zuko to get to that part of his speech. Especially after his panicked exit from the pre-event meeting, there was no guarantee that he was going to legalize gay rights. There was no guarantee he was going to give these people the ability to love, to <em>live</em>. There was no guarantee that he was going to do what Sokka thought he’d persuaded him to do after hours and hours of debate over the pros and cons of repealing the law that eventually dwindled down into <em>people deserve fucking rights</em>. And they did. Yes, maybe Sokka was going a little overboard since there was nothing he could do for the Water Tribe (homosexuality wasn’t outlawed there, just heavily frowned upon, which made it far harder to normalize against a nation that had only shunned it for the past century), but he didn’t care. It gave him hope, a purpose, a chance to feel like he was really good at something for once. Except, if Zuko made what Sokka considered to be the wrong decision, that could all blow up in his face and he’d be right back where he started; imperfect, inferior, and unable to fix himself.</p><p>When Zuko started to read off the laws he was changing, Sokka’s heart pounded in his chest. Was he going to do it? Was he going to announce all of them, or ignore the one that the assholes crossed off the list? Sokka had faith in Zuko. They’d spent a lot of time together over the past month and if there was one thing he learned, it was that even when he was at a loss, Zuko always wanted to do the right thing. He doubted himself a lot, yes, and he’d run out of his fair share of meetings gasping for breath when he caught himself in a particularly tight dilemma, but he always ended up in the right place. His heart was made of gold and that was what Sokka was banking on. That was what he was praying for when he nibbled on the remnants of his thumbnail, barely blinking as Zuko reached the point in the list where he vividly remembered the law being written and struck through.</p><p>“And the next law I’ve decided to repeal, is—” Zuko cut himself off, his eyes stuck on the page. He looked back up to the people, fumbling through his words as he stalled for time. That was when Sokka realized that even <em>he </em>didn’t know what he was going to do. He glanced between Sokka and the council members in the crowd, placing his hands behind his back to hide their shaking. “I’m going to, uh— one of the most notable laws I’m talking about today is— it’s really kind of modern and I don’t— I think some of you will be glad to know that I’ve decided to, uh— it’s— I’m— gay rights. Legal. Everyone. Go be happy and, err, gay. It’s legal, you’re valid, flameo, I’m going to move on now.”</p><p>Though it was probably the world’s worst way to make the announcement, Sokka basically melted into a puddle of happiness when Zuko took that route. Plus, the awkwardness was starting to grow on him. All things considered and the occasional assholery aside, Zuko was actually kind of cute, especially when he got all flustered and embarrassed like that. Of course, it didn’t mean anything and Sokka quickly assured himself that he was not, in any way shape or form, attracted to Zuko, but gay rights just got legalized in the Fire Nation! If he wanted to look at a goofy, flustered boy and think to himself that he looked pretty adorable, he was allowed to do that. It didn’t have to mean anything more than a general, ‘boys look cute when they get flustered (especially when they happen to be the Fire Lord)’.</p><p>The rest of Zuko’s speech went considerably better than that part, likely because he was reading off a list rather than trying to decide off the top of his head whether he was going to change countless peoples’ lives. Once he was finished with his announcements, speech, and questions with the press, Zuko finally stepped into the crowd to greet the people. Sokka kept his distance at first, simply admiring the first real event he’d been to with the Fire Lord, but wandered over to Zuko’s side—his left side, specifically, which he acknowledged Zuko was trying to keep people away from—and nudged his shoulder. Zuko turned to him and forced a smile but said nothing to him as he continued to interact with the citizens; answering questions, shaking hands with people, and nodding to everyone who thanked him for what he’d done. Somehow, a few people still gave him rude comments, but Zuko shrugged those off, urging Sokka to back down before anything got heated.</p><p>It was over an hour later when they were finally able to abandon the crowd and retire into the palace. Sokka offered to get Zuko something to eat, but he declined, saying he’d rather just lie down. Concerned that he was falling back into bad habits, Sokka tried to bring him a snack anyway, only to enter his bedroom and find that Zuko had passed out within the five minutes he’d been gone. He was lying on his stomach, his face buried in pillows as he breathed peacefully. Rather than interrupting, Sokka decided to leave the snack and tea on his desk before exiting the room quietly. Since he too was tired from all the chaos that afternoon and had nothing else to do, he thought he would go lie down too, but that plan was out the window the second he pulled Zuko’s door shut. He practically leapt out of his shoes when he came face to face with Azula, still dressed up from the event.</p><p>“Don’t look so afraid, I was just going for a massage,” said Azula, rolling her eyes as she held her hands up to prove she was innocent. “Is he sleeping?”</p><p>Sokka nodded, slightly hesitant. He’d gotten more used to Azula over the month he’d been there, but his gut instinct was still not to trust her. “Yeah, he crashed pretty much right after he laid down.”</p><p>“Figures. He always did that when we were kids too. Doesn’t do well with crowds. Or people in general, honestly. You saw the way he stumbled over the gay rights repeal. You’d think he’d be more confident delivering that announcement given he’s wanted that repealed forever, but I guess his awkwardness always prevails.”</p><p>“Wait, what do you mean he’s always wanted that repealed?” He frowned. Given their conversations, hesitation, and the amount of persuading it took him to win Zuko over, her allegation made no sense. “He sounded pretty hesitant when I talked to him about it, like he didn’t really care whether it got repealed or not.”</p><p>“Oh, no, he definitely cares.” Azula leaned back against the wall, waving a hand around dismissively. “Not that he’s actually <em>said </em>that, at least to my knowledge, but it only makes sense given, you know…”</p><p>Sokka couldn’t wait for her to pick up her thought. “Know what?”</p><p>“He’s gay.”</p><p>His jaw dropped. Her tone was so firm, so certain, that he found it hard to disbelieve, though he knew she was an excellent liar. There was every chance she was pulling his leg for a laugh, so he refused to believe she was telling the truth, not wanting to assume anything about Zuko unless he said something himself. Sokka knew how it felt firsthand to have another sexuality forced onto him against his true feelings, and he wouldn’t be the person to do that to someone else. Still, he felt he needed an explanation for what she said; especially one which confirmed whether Zuko actually told her something or it was just her way of playing a joke (Sokka didn’t think someone being gay was anything to joke about in that context, but assumed that Azula did not share his feelings).</p><p>“He’s not—” He shook his head, trying to regather his thoughts. “Why do you think that? Did he say something?”</p><p>“No, it’s just really obvious.” Azula shrugged, her tone all too casual. “Our mother spent <em>years </em>telling him Father was wrong about homosexuals and it always made him cry for no apparent reason, his relationship with Mai was one of the most uncomfortable and forced things I’ve ever witnessed, and seriously, he’s a fucking theater nerd. Also, if you watch his body language, girls just ick him out. Believe me, I’ve seen far too many of them throw themselves at him since we were kids. So yeah, he’s gay, he’s just pretending he’s not because Father told him if he liked boys he’d be banished. Huh, I guess that part was just inevitable, wasn’t it?”</p><p>“Okay, I see where you’re coming from, but just be careful, all right? I don’t know if you’re wrong or not, but stereotypes hurt people and he’s already going through enough. Let’s just not talk about this unless <em>he</em> says something. It’s none of our business anyway.”</p><p>“All right, all right, I get it.” Sokka opened his mouth to respond, but she smirked and added a comment before he could. “You’re gay too.”</p><p>“I’m not—!” He cut himself off, sighing deeply. He didn’t have to defend himself to her. It wasn’t worth the effort. “You know, I’m glad you’re not trying to kill me anymore, but you’re a serious pain in the ass.”</p><p>“Exactly how I like it.”</p><p>Azula smiled darkly, but Sokka didn’t even bother returning a look. He spun around and headed off to his room, finally going for his nap. That was the cherry on top of an already far too eventful day, and at that point, it was just too much information to handle. There was no good way to treat said information either—he could be falling into one of Azula’s cruel jokes, or he could be aware of something he had absolutely no business knowing. As he couldn’t tell which it was, he decided not to guess. If it <em>was </em>true, then Zuko would tell him in his own time. And if it wasn’t, then he still did the right thing by not humoring Azula any further. By not pressuring his friend to be something he was not.</p><p>By not passing on the hell tradition put him through as a child.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Despite what he’d told himself, Sokka was up far too late thinking about what happened with Azula.</p><p>It wasn’t that he was thinking about Zuko or his sexuality—which he still believed was absolutely none of his business—it was that he felt <em>guilty</em>. He felt like he knew something he wasn’t supposed to know, and it was stupid because knowing Azula it was almost definitely not true, but he couldn’t shake the awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t stop thinking about how, one day, Zuko might tell him that he <em>wasn’t </em>straight and Sokka would have to either act surprised or admit that Azula told him that ages ago. That because of her stupid assumptions, Sokka knew something that Zuko didn’t want him or maybe even anybody to know. And it was an awful fucking feeling, whether it turned out to be true or not.</p><p>Though all that was going on in his head, Sokka determined to go about his day as usual. Except… he didn’t have much usual left. Revitalizing the laws was his project, the thing he poured all his energy into. Without that, he didn’t have a plan. He didn’t know half of what Zuko intended to work on now that all those other issues were taken care of. Still, he wanted to remain useful, so he dragged a comb through his hair, yanked it into a wolftail, and dressed in one of the few Water Tribe outfits he’d brought along before heading over to Zuko’s bedroom. He knocked on the door but there was no answer, so he pushed it open carefully, poking his head in first to make sure he wasn’t interrupting anything. Inside, Zuko was still dressed in his night clothes, his hair pulled back into a messy ponytail as he stared out the window in silence.</p><p>“Hey, jerk.” Sokka closed the door behind him but didn’t come any further as he wasn’t sure whether Zuko wanted him there. It felt weird; being around him with that unconfirmed knowledge hanging around his head. “Everything all right?”</p><p>Zuko nodded, not turning away from the window. Wondering whether he was watching something in particular or just staring outside while he thought, Sokka walked over to see what Zuko was doing, his brow furrowing when he saw it. There were people celebrating in the capital, waving around signs, and dancing in the streets. Colors were everywhere, people of all genders spending time with everyone and anyone they wanted. Free to do so without the laws stopping them. The sight made Sokka smile, but for some reason, Zuko’s expression was just blank. He barely even blinked as he watched the crowds, his slightly shaking arms leaning over the windowsill.</p><p>“You did a good thing, Zuko.” Sokka slid against the window beside him, his own gaze fixed on the countless celebratory citizens. “I know you were hesitant, given the council’s thoughts and your upbringing and all, but you did the right thing. They’re all so happy and it’s because of you. You helped those people finally get back the rights they deserved.”</p><p>“Mm.” Still, Zuko remained all but silent, the look in his eyes turning to one of almost sadness.</p><p>Though he didn’t know whether Azula was right or not, Sokka realized then that if she was, everything made so much more sense. Zuko wasn’t trying to withhold rights because he was homophobic, he was scared of giving people the wrong impression and making them think he did it for himself. He was raised in a world where being gay was wrong and regardless of what he <em>wanted </em>to do, he couldn’t convince himself that it was the <em>right </em>thing to do. Sokka recognized that he was making far too many assumptions at that point, but he chose to go with it. He wouldn’t say anything directly, just try to give Zuko a nudge in the right direction, so he could better understand and accept that—regardless of whether Azula told the truth—he made the right decision.</p><p>“You know,” Sokka started, not glancing in Zuko’s direction, “I’m from the Water Tribe and while it’s not technically outlawed there like in the Earth Kingdom or even here until yesterday, it’s not really something people approve of either. Theoretically you’re free to be with whoever you want, so people say they don’t care, but it’s pretty clear they do. ‘Normal’ families are fine, but if you stray from tradition, it’s suddenly all taboo to talk about.”</p><p>“I know what you mean.” Several seconds passed in silence before Zuko spoke again, his voice low. “By the time I was born, it had already been outlawed for more than a hundred years, and from when I was first able to even begin to conceive of what love was, I was taught it was wrong. That my great-grandfather outlawed it for a reason, and I should be grateful for it. But I’m not. If anything, it makes me hate him more. It’s not helpful, it’s confusing. I wasn’t going to tell anyone this, but the reason I stumbled so much yesterday was because I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t know if I could really abolish the law. My whole life I was taught that it was wrong and I’m so, so ashamed of this, but I was almost scared to say that it wasn’t.”</p><p>“That’s how a lot of people feel, I think. Not <em>exactly </em>the same, obviously, because they’re not all the Fire Lord trying to make a decision that impacts the lives of thousands of people, but… it can feel like that sometimes. Back in school, I was taught that the Air Nomads were always so accepting of everyone regardless and honestly, I thought it sounded like a haven. Growing up in the Water Tribe where it’s just not talked about was bad enough, I can’t even imagine what it’s like for people in the Earth Kingdom, or even here in the Fire Nation until now. There are a lot of good reasons to hate someone but this…” He gestured to the people out the window, shaking his head. “This isn’t one of them.”</p><p>“Right.” Again, Zuko went quiet. He turned to Sokka slowly, a serious expression on his face. Sokka shrunk into his hands, suddenly all too uncomfortable with the situation. He said too much, didn’t he? He said too much. He said way, way too much. Shit. He <em>knew </em>he shouldn’t have bought into Azula’s tricks. Instead of saying the right things, he was saying all the wrong ones. “Sorry if this is too invasive, but you’ve been taking this whole thing really seriously, like it’s personal or something and I was just wondering, do you— I mean, do you know anyone who’s…?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Sokka nodded, his gaze dropping as his heart pounded in his chest. There were a thousand ways he could answer the question but none of them seemed right. What if he was right in his first thoughts, and Zuko <em>was </em>homophobic? What if it was all a trick by Azula to get him out of the palace? Sokka swallowed hard. <em>Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it</em>, he thought. <em>It’s not worth the risk</em>. He hesitated before he went on, absolutely clueless as to what words would fall from his tongue. “Yeah, it’s, uh— it’s— well, it’s— it’s me. Sort of. You know what? I just remembered I have to get back to the Water Tribe, like, weeks ago, so I should really—”</p><p>Zuko reached out to grab Sokka’s wrist, preventing him from running off. His breath caught in his throat and it took him a good minute to finally turn back around to look at the Fire Lord, his blue eyes full of guilt and shame. He couldn’t meet Zuko’s gaze, continuously glancing down to his feet and the hand around his wrist, trying anything to avoid his friend’s piercing stare. He could feel himself shaking, wanting to fold into himself and disappear, but he couldn’t stop it and he couldn’t just vanish. Zuko released his grip suddenly and it took everything in Sokka’s power to keep from running away. He did allow himself to take a step back, however, chewing on his thumbnail as he put distance between them.</p><p>“Sokka, relax. I’m not my father.” His tone was soft, as if he were trying to reassure Sokka, though the message didn’t quite help. He’d never told anyone before. He’d never spoken a <em>word </em>about it before and suddenly he was standing there, telling Zuko everything, despite not knowing how his friend might react to the information. Zuko tried again. “And I’m not yours either. I don’t know what you went through growing up, or if you even knew yet, but I’m not going to judge you. I don’t judge anyone since I got this.”</p><p>He pointed to the scar over his left eye, the look in his eyes almost hopeful that he was helping somehow, but Sokka couldn’t find it in him to speak. He dropped his gaze back to the floor, and when he glanced up again, he realized Zuko seemed conflicted too. The silence lasted far too long before Zuko finally said something again, though it wasn’t exactly helpful.</p><p>“Not to be blunt,” he started, “but don’t you have a girlfriend? You <em>are </em>dating Suki, right? I didn’t completely misunderstand that? Sorry, I’m really bad with social cues.”</p><p>“No, I was dating Suki. I loved Suki. I loved Yue too.” Sokka took a deep breath, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. He hesitated before going on, still uncertain whether it was really safe to tell Zuko about everything. “But I should probably tell you that Suki and I broke up. That’s… kind of how I ended up here, actually. It’s a long story but— never mind. There’s no bad blood between us, Suki and I just had different paths to take and we couldn’t see each other often enough to maintain a relationship, you know? But… loving Suki doesn’t mean I couldn’t love a guy. Or like a guy. Look at a guy? To be clear, there’s no guy, just… there <em>could</em> be.”</p><p>“Oh, right. Sorry if that was a bad question, I don’t really know how to approach this stuff. I was never allowed to talk about it when I was a kid.”</p><p>“Neither was I. The adults around the tribe always kind of acted it wasn’t something you discussed. They talked about Mom and Dad and all the other ‘normal’ couples all the time, so I didn’t understand, and I still don’t really understand, but I wasn’t going to argue. Things are the way they are, you know? There’s no point in trying to change what thousands of people have believed since before you were born, so I didn’t. Sometimes I wonder if I should have, but I didn’t. I did what I was told, and I didn’t talk about stuff like that.”</p><p>Zuko frowned. “But if that’s how you grew up, does that mean—”</p><p>“You’re the first person I’ve told.” Sokka nodded, closing his eyes as he inhaled deeply. <em>Please don’t turn out to be homophobic, Zuko. Please. </em>“You just repealed the law, people are celebrating, I can’t keep my big fucking mouth shut; it seemed like a good time. Sorry if this is too much? I didn’t mean to unload on you, it just kind of seemed like you… like you needed it. You don’t seem like you’re sure about your decision.”</p><p>“I don’t regret what I did, Sokka. I just don’t know if I’m past all the bullshit my father taught me.” He sighed, turning back to the windowsill. Sokka joined him, resting his elbows upon it before dropping his chin onto the back of his hands. “So, I’m guessing you want me to keep this quiet then?”</p><p>“Please. I’m okay with Aang knowing since I’m sure he’ll be fine with it, but I have no idea what Toph will think of it and I already know that Gran Gran and Pakku are both pretty traditional. My dad’s always been pretty hush hush about it all too, and I don’t know if he would be <em>upset</em> if he found out, but I just don’t think he would <em>want </em>me to be… you know. So, I’m just trying to avoid bringing it up unless it’s relevant. If they don’t have to know, I’m not going to tell them. It seems better that way.”</p><p>“All right.” Zuko paused before he went on, his eyes fixed on a group of celebrating citizens and a banner they were waving around. “So, if you know about your dad and them, what about…?”</p><p>“Katara?” Sokka bit down on his nail, again turning to avoid Zuko’s gaze. “I don’t know. She never talks about it, but she’s stuck pretty firm to what Gran Gran taught us about keeping it a private thing, so. It’s not really that I don’t want to tell her? But she has a big mouth—don’t tell her I said that—and I’m just worried she’ll say something to Dad or Gran Gran and even if she <em>is </em>okay with it, maybe they won’t be. I don’t want to lose them.”</p><p>“I understand. I know it’s not the same, but I was never what I was supposed to be, and it wasn’t easy. My mother loved me unconditionally, but I never knew what to do about anyone else. If I said the wrong thing, they’d hate me. If I did the wrong thing, they’d shun me. The thing about keeping stuff like that from them is that you never know how they’re going to react and everything in your mind just keeps telling you that if you try to say how you really feel, it’ll be worst case scenario. You know what, though? That might have been true for me and my fucked-up relatives, but you have the best family <em>ever</em>, Sokka. I have no doubts they’ll love you either way.”</p><p>Finally, Sokka turned to meet Zuko’s shining amber eyes, their gazes locking for barely a second before he looked away again; stepping away from the window as he moved to leave the room. “Thanks, Zuko. It means a lot. And sorry again for dumping this all on you. That really wasn’t my intention when I came in here.”</p><p>“It’s fine.” Zuko shrugged, turning around to watch as Sokka prepared to leave. “But I want you to know that, seriously, I’m fine with it. I know I’ve been really weird about this stuff but to tell you the truth, I’m ashamed of that mindset. I <em>know </em>it’s wrong, but I know a lot of things are wrong and I still can’t get past it because my fucked-up father was in charge of my education and I know he’s an asshole and an abuser but I can’t get it out of my— I’m trying to work on it. I really am. Please don’t leave because of this.”</p><p>“Leave? I’m not— why do you think I’m leaving?”</p><p>“You said before that you had to get back to the tribe weeks ago. When you almost ran off.”</p><p>“Oh. I mean, I do need to go back to the tribe,” said Sokka, “but it’s not because of you. Or this. It’s just that I was supposed to be back a while ago and I know you sent the supplies and everything so it’s all good but— I don’t know. They might be worried about me, but honestly, I have no idea. I’m not that important.”</p><p>“Excuse me?” Zuko’s eyes went wide as he shook his head in disbelief. “Sokka, you are <em>invaluable</em>. I mean, god, friendship and wartime stuff aside, you saved my ass on all that law stuff. You took over duties I didn’t even tell you about. Hell, you stopped me from unintentionally starving myself to death!”</p><p>“Yeah, speaking of that, you’re still like, scary skinny, so—”</p><p>“My point is, if they don’t appreciate you, they don’t deserve you. You’ve got heart, spirit, and drive. My uncle used to tell me that’s everything you need. I won’t tell you what to do, but if you’re not ready and you want to stay here a little longer, where I can make sure you’re getting the opportunities and the recognition you deserve, please do it. And before you think I’m taking pity on you, I’m actually being selfish. Very selfish. See, there are several other projects I’d love your input on, and—”</p><p>“Zuko, stop.” Sokka was smiling, but he didn’t entirely know why. Was he allowed to carry over his gay-rights-were-just-legalized exceptions to a second day? Because if he was being entirely honest, Zuko looked pretty cute when he was gushing too. “I get it, okay? I’m not going anywhere. Not yet. But if you want me to do something then you’re going to have to let me know what, because those laws were kind of all the project I had, and now that it’s all taken care of, I don’t—”</p><p>Sokka didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before Zuko stepped forward and pulled him into an embrace. It was a little awkward, as it was only the second time Zuko had hugged him since he arrived (the other being upon their initial greeting), but it was nice. And the more he thought about the spontaneous hug, the way touch helped Zuko out of a panic, and how closeness kept him calm in the crowds, Sokka realized there was something he didn’t know about his friend before. Something he never would have guessed, and that many people wouldn’t even believe. He couldn’t help but chuckle to himself as Zuko finally pulled away, because, well…</p><p>…the Fire Lord was a <em>snuggler</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>gorgeous art for this chapter: (<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CIBq6jTjtnz/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet">x</a>)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter Fourteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things were different after Zuko revitalized the law.</p><p>Contrary to what the council had advised him, people were actually <em>happier</em>. The celebrations of gay pride were easily the most prominent—aside from the parties everywhere you went, countless weddings took place in the days that followed his announcement—but the outpour of support for the other laws Zuko decided to repeal and revamp was almost overwhelming. There were so many news stories about people supporting their leader, so many children and grateful citizens wanting to tell him he was the best Fire Lord they’d ever had, so many people who kept telling him so many things that he didn’t know how to respond to because he wasn’t a good person and he didn’t deserve their appreciation but no matter how uncomfortable he was with the attention he couldn’t get them to go away because of the stupid little fact that he was their goddamn Fire Lord.</p><p>Theoretically, the attention should have been nice. The compliments should have been reassuring and uplifting during a time when Zuko was particularly doubtful of his abilities but instead, they made it worse. He spent the rest of the week listening to people say those things, that he was amazing and heroic, and they were so grateful for what he’d done, and all he could think was that he didn’t deserve it. If he were really such a great person, he wouldn’t have had doubts about whether he was doing the right thing. He wouldn’t have waited so long to resolve the issues with the Fire Nation’s laws. Most of all, he wouldn’t be putting himself above other people and filling his thoughts with his own problems when he needed to be working towards a better future for his people. Because, of course, while he was supposed to be working on his next big project—revitalizing the school system, as he’d told Azula before—he was actually busy thinking about what happened with Sokka.</p><p>In no universe did Zuko deserve to be the first person Sokka came out to. Yes, it was his fault for pushing Sokka to tell him, but he shouldn’t have been the first person he told. He shouldn’t have been the first person <em>anyone </em>told. Given his upbringing, his education, everything he’d been forced to believe and failed to see was wrong, Zuko was not trustworthy enough to deserve that information. He didn’t blame Sokka for wanting to tell someone with all the celebrations going on, he just didn’t understand why it was him. How he made Sokka believe that he was a good person to tell when he was, in fact, the very last person who he should have considered coming out to. Yes, Zuko was good at keeping secrets, but he was <em>shit </em>at dealing with the subject. He was horrible, discriminatory, the most insensitive person in the world for waiting to repeal the laws against same-sex relationships just because he was selfish and couldn’t deal with the amount of thought he had to put into it because every time he thought about same-sex relationships it just reminded him that he liked boys.</p><p>No, that was the wrong way to put it. He was definitely straight—he’d been in a committed relationship with Mai for far too long for it to be a <em>complete</em> sham—but since Sokka came out to him, Zuko couldn’t stop thinking about everything he’d realized over his life. Eventually, after far too much stress and thought, he came to the simple conclusion that he didn’t <em>like </em>boys, he just liked the <em>look </em>of them. And if Sokka, one of the greatest people he’d ever known, was okay with being bisexual and <em>fully</em> attracted to them, then maybe, just <em>maybe </em>it was okay for Zuko to look at a guy once in a while and think he had a nice smile or pretty eyes. It wasn’t like he was going to act on it, so how much could it really matter? If Sokka was comfortable with who he was, then Zuko should be comfortable with it too. And he was, at least when it came to Sokka. He was fine with other people being with whoever they wanted but he was different. He was the Fire Lord and he was going to marry a woman. That was how it worked, that was what was expected, regardless of what he may or may not have wanted.</p><p>Speaking of things he may or may not have wanted, something else which was suddenly bothering Zuko that morning was the fact that he always woke up at dawn.</p><p>Though it was almost a requirement for him to wake up at ungodly hours for meetings and other events, his exact rising time was not a conscious decision. His internal clock had him waking up at dawn and it had forever. If he went to bed on time, he woke up at dawn. If he went to bed six hours early, he woke up at dawn. If he went to bed with ten minutes left to sleep, he woke up at dawn. In some ways it was a blessing, as he always woke up with plenty of time to get ready for the day and had extra time to get work done, but in other ways, it was a curse. Namely on the days when he did not want to get out of bed and had no interest in tending to his required duties let alone extra ones, whether that be for reasons of mental health, illness, or something else entirely. That particular day, it was caused by one of the most splitting headaches he’d ever had, which made opening his eyes to the irritatingly bright, shining sun the worst possible way to wake up.</p><p>He shoved his head back under the pillows immediately after lifting his head, unable to look at the light without feeling sick. He didn’t know what was wrong, exactly, but he felt like he’d been hit with a bag of bricks and he was so lightheaded, the world seemed like it was spinning even though he was lying down. Zuko held the pillows firmly over his head, trying to block out any outside sounds that could be making his headache worse. He didn’t know what spurred the awful aching—probably his lack of sleep and failure to eat anything after breakfast the day before thanks to a slew of anxieties from the praising politicians he’d had that first meal with—but Zuko stayed in bed for so long that day that he had no time left to get ready or eat anything and ended up rushing through his morning routine. Because of that, he was left with whatever royal garb was hanging on his bed frame and his hair tied up in a loose, sloppy topknot; intentionally omitting the crown as he felt he couldn’t take the weight or the pressure on his head.</p><p>By the time he trudged into his first meeting of the day, eyes half-closed and feet dragging along the floor, everyone else was already lined around the table. As soon as he entered the room, Azula—seated to the right of him—shot him a look, and Sokka—in his same seat on the left—questioned whether everything was okay the moment he sat down. Zuko just nodded along. It wasn’t like it was the end of the world, after all. Everyone had a headache from time to time and it wasn’t like it was going to kill him. But, of course, as it turned out, being physically okay was not the same as being mentally okay and the headache did nothing but magnify everything he’d been feeling by tenfold. So, instead of being mildly stressed or a little irritated by the things that the people at his table said, he wanted to curl into a ball or throttle them for every fucking word they said, and it got old. Fast. Sokka and Azula clearly noticed he was acting strange, but Zuko ignored their looks. It was a headache. He could handle a fucking headache.</p><p>Thankfully, Zuko didn’t have to say much in the meeting, as Sokka took over for most of the stuff he was supposed to answer. Not because he didn’t think Zuko was capable—at least, that wasn’t the vibe Zuko was getting off of him—but because he loved building strategies and was all too eager to get involved in the plans. He kept inserting himself into the discussion at every chance, constantly improving the plans in ways that Zuko never would have thought of. It was impressive, to say the least, and though Zuko zoned out for a lot of the meeting, he listened to every word that Sokka said. His drive and passion were captivating in a way he couldn’t explain.</p><p>“…so, the other thing I wanted to discuss while I’m here,” said General Kage, unraveling a scroll onto the table an hour or more into the meeting, “is strategies. I know we’re striving for an era of peace, but the Earth Kingdom especially holds a lot of grudges against us and I think it’s important to be prepared in case anything happens. That’s why I’d like to discuss some war strategies and tactics, just for in case something happens. Of course, there’s no guarantee anything will, and we sincerely hope not, but…”</p><p>Zuko wasn’t listening anymore. He was holding onto the fabric of his robes, clutching them tightly in his fists. He understood what the man was trying to do and supported the idea of protecting their nation, but he couldn’t have that discussion. He needed to hold onto peace, a lack of war meetings, nothing that had to do with battle. He dealt with it at first, doing his best to ignore his heart pounding in his chest, but eventually it became too tight to ignore and he felt a hand slipping around his fingers. He didn’t resist Sokka’s grip, only fearing he held on too tightly as he dropped his head into his other hand, rubbing his temple slowly as he tried to subtly take deep breaths. The last thing he needed was for the entire military to know that he was on the brink of a meltdown, especially when he’d been doing so well. When he’d been doing everything right and everyone loved him, and things were good, and he didn’t know why the hell he was suddenly in such a mood again.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko, what do you think of those plans?” He froze, looking up to glance over to the general, but not saying a word. “Sir, we need your input on the plans. If we prepare it so that our defenses come from the east, then…”</p><p>Again, Zuko completely toned him out. He clutched harder onto Sokka’s hand until he realized what he was doing and suddenly pulled away. <em>No. People are going to get the wrong idea. First you legalize same-sex relationships and then you’re holding hands with a guy under a table? Do you </em>want<em> people to think you’re gay?</em> It wasn’t supposed to make things worse but somehow, it did. Instead of feeling better because he avoided a potential catastrophe, he felt sick because he was horrible enough to think it was a catastrophe in the first place. What the fuck was wrong with him? He just legalized gay marriage, told the entire nation they’re valid, did everything he could to make his bisexual friend feel accepted, and yet he still couldn’t get over the shit people taught him when he was a kid. He still couldn’t get over what he went through. He still, after years had gone by and he’d long since accepted that he was abused and didn’t deserve what happened, couldn’t say one goddamn thing about the troops without feeling utterly faint.</p><p>“I, uh—” He wrapped his arms around his stomach, still sitting up straight and trying to hide his shame beneath the table. “I— I can’t answer that.”</p><p>“In all due respect, sir, I think you’re the only one who can.” It was a joke from one of the women at the table, and everyone else chuckled, but Zuko couldn’t even force himself to join in. He could feel his fingers shaking, his breath getting short, and to him, the situation was the furthest thing from a laughing matter. “Really, we have the plans all laid out, we just need your approval on them. Again, it’s just a precaution. Nothing will be done unless the Fire Nation is in immediate danger.”</p><p>“No.” Zuko shook his head quickly, unable to meet the gaze of anyone at the table. He saw Azula reach out to touch his forearm reassuringly, but he pulled away. “Just do whatever. I can’t make that decision. I can’t get involved in that.”</p><p>“We need your permission, Fire Lord Zuko,” General Kage insisted. “We’re legally not allowed to do anything unless you—”</p><p>“What the hell do you mean, you can’t legally do anything? <em>I’m</em> the fucking law!”</p><p>“Hey, Zuko, I think it’s time for a deep breath.” Azula made a gesture to encourage him, but it didn’t help. It felt condescending and he didn’t want to follow her assistance. He didn’t want to be reassured by someone who cheered on the worst day of his life. “All you have to do is sign a few papers. It’s not a big deal.”</p><p>“Yes, it is. I can’t get involved.” He shoved his chair back suddenly, rising to his feet and doing his damnedest to look composed as he threw his hands behind his back to hide his shaking fingers. “I actually have to go check on something else, so I think you should all just work on this without me for a bit and I will be back to review it all in a few minutes. Thank you.”</p><p>Zuko walked out of the room slowly and professionally but dropped every bit of his composure as soon as he closed the door. His shoulders sagged, he let out a deep breath that he’d been holding to avoid sounding insane, and he ran past every single person in the halls to get to the restroom. He didn’t throw up this time, but it felt like he was fucking going to. His stomach churned and his heart pounded, and his head still ached, and he didn’t know why any of it was happening. Zuko was sure that he should at least understand what was bothering him so much, but he didn’t. He knew that he hated himself for having awful homophobic thoughts and he knew that he couldn’t get involved in the troops’ affairs, he just didn’t know <em>why</em> and somehow, that was worse than knowing and hating himself for that reasoning too.</p><p>He stared at the drab paintings hanging in front of him, head leaned back against the wall as he took deep breaths to avoid losing the nothing but tea he’d consumed that day. How could he be such a piece of shit? Sokka trusted him with his secret, he trusted him enough to come out to, and Zuko basically gave him a slap in the face. He was only trying to help and Zuko ripped away from him because of the chance that someone might possibly think there was something going on there even though their hands were completely hidden beneath the table and honestly, the touch helped more than anything. It was comforting, familiar; it was the same thing that his mother and uncle both used to do to help him. Grip his hand when he started to get anxious, then hold him when they were alone. Not that he expected Sokka to hold him, obviously, but the first step was really nice. <em>Comforting.</em> And he’d probably just scared Sokka away forever because what he did made it seem like he didn’t want him around because he was into guys when the problem wasn’t with him, it was with Zuko. He was just a fucked-up person. Everything he touched turned to shit.</p><p>Though he was intending to continue wallowing in self-pity for a while, Zuko was torn from his thoughts when he heard a knock on the ajar door. He looked over just in time to see Azula leaning in the doorway, looking down at him with her arms crossed. The expression on her face was not remarkably sympathetic but he didn’t want to assume she was there to mock him either, so he said nothing, turning his gaze back down to his knees. Azula sighed and wandered over to him, dropping into a cross-legged position on the floor to his left. She nudged him playfully, but he didn’t respond. He wasn’t in the mood for that, and thankfully, Azula caught on.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll bite,” she said suddenly, turning to look at him. “What happened in there? Why do you look like death today?”</p><p>“My head hurts,” Zuko grumbled, his eyes closed as he turned to his feet. “That’s it. It’s just a headache.”</p><p>“Oh, so you didn’t panic because the first time you spoke in a war meeting, you got your face burned off, and the second time you spoke in a war meeting, you indirectly caused Father to attempt genocide? See, I thought you had some kind of bad memories being dragged up that you wanted to run away from but if this is just about a headache then you need to get off your ass and go back out there because the Fire Lord doesn’t get time off for headache.”</p><p>“I know, I’ll go back in a minute. I feel like shit.”</p><p>“Yeah, you look like it too.” Azula was silent for several seconds and for a moment, Zuko almost thought she gave up, but that was wishful thinking. “I went through the same thing when I first moved in with Ena. Weird things freaked me out. I’ll shoot you again if you tell anyone about this, but when I got out of the institution, I was terrified of water. Not just water, like I could <em>drink</em> water, but I couldn’t handle large bodies of water. And Father. Every time someone mentioned Father I just lost it. I didn’t want to think about what happened with him and what he did to me—to <em>us</em>—for all those years.”</p><p>Zuko swallowed hard. “Sometimes I don’t look in the mirror because I’m scared I’ll see him.”</p><p>“Are you kidding me?” She almost laughed as she spoke, shaking her head as she gently nudged him again. “Zuzu, you have nothing to worry about. You are the spitting image of Mother. And you know I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t think it was true because from my perspective, that’s not a good thing. Now, I’m fucked either way because I don’t want to see either of them but here I am, a disgusting combination of both.”</p><p>“You’re not disgusting, Azula. If either of us is disgusting, it’s—”</p><p>“Do <em>not</em> say it’s you. Given what I’ve done in the past versus what you’ve done in the past, one of us is very clearly the worse sibling. Like, objectively. <em>Subjectively</em>, I’m definitely superior, but I did some shit. You did what was right. And if you’re thinking about what I think you’re thinking about, you’re fine. Sokka isn’t mad at you. He’s just keeping the old guys busy with strategic stuff while I came to find out where you went.”</p><p>Though he didn’t want to verbally admit that was part of why he was freaking out, Zuko let out a soft sigh of relief. Sokka wasn’t upset with him for rejecting his hand, he was just trying to help. He was still trying to help, even though Zuko didn’t deserve it. He was a stupid, homophobic piece of shit who made it very clear in every one of their awkward conversations that he wasn’t sure legalizing same-sex relationships was a good idea, and somehow, Sokka still trusted him enough to come out to. Sokka still believed that he was a good person. The entire fucking Fire Nation thought he was a good person but he wasn’t; he didn’t deserve their praise and yet he was in no position to reject it.</p><p>“Anyway,” said Azula, dragging out the word dramatically, “you’re fine, Zuzu. It’s perfectly normal to freak out sometimes but you know what? Father is in prison. He can’t hurt you now. Nothing you say is going to put you or anyone else in danger. Unless, of course, you suggest something really stupid, which is always a possibility, so— Zuko, relax. I’m joking. Now, go back to your meeting and just agree with whatever Sokka says, all right? I’m going to go find us some snacks because I want chocolate and you need something that isn’t just tea.”</p><p>“How did you…?”</p><p>“You’re pale as fuck and you would’ve thrown up already if you actually ate anything. I might be a bitch, but I’m not stupid. You need to get help, Zuzu. Real, actual therapy with a real person like Ena, not just burying your trauma and pretending to cope. I know you don’t care, but you’re literally killing yourself right now and therapy will stop you from doing that.”</p><p>“I don’t need—”</p><p>“Don’t even argue. I’m serious. If you keep going like this, you’re going to end up like me. And <em>no one </em>wants to end up like me.”</p><p>Azula said nothing else as she stood up and left the room, giving him just one last nod to get out of there. Zuko hesitated before he actually followed, not exactly eager to get back to the meeting. However, he managed to take a deep breath and rise to his feet. He wasn’t making the choice to sit out of a meeting, he was deciding whether or not he was fit to be Fire Lord. All these little episodes would build up to some serious shit if he couldn’t get himself in line, and he was determined not to fail. So, he splashed some water on his face, stepped out of the room, and forced himself to return to the meeting; this time accepting Sokka’s reassuring squeeze on the shoulder when he sat down.</p><p>For the rest of the meeting, Zuko did exactly what Azula said. He just nodded along when Sokka provided ideas and ended up signing off on something he’d come up with. Zuko refused to proofread it, just scanning his eyes over the words briefly so it looked like he did something. He knew that Azula was right, that his father was gone and couldn’t hurt him or anyone else if he made another bad call, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it and left it in the hands of Sokka. His own ideas might have been shit and did nothing but get himself and others hurt, but Sokka’s helped people. He was nothing short of a hero, even on the occasion that his plans didn’t work because he put forth so much heart and effort, you couldn’t help but be proud of him.</p><p>Oddly enough, snacks <em>were </em>delivered shortly after Zuko sat back down but Azula did not return to the meeting and they went through the rest of it without her. It wasn’t until after everyone left and Sokka and Zuko were able to leave the room when they finally found her, sitting on the steps outside the palace eating chocolate with Mai. They were laughing about something neither of the boys bothered to ask about, Sokka sneaking his hand between them to take a handful of chocolates and Zuko just sitting on the steps beside them. He didn’t <em>really </em>have time to take a break, but he also didn’t have another meeting scheduled for half an hour, so he figured it couldn’t hurt to sit around for one minute, right?</p><p>“Oh, you finally got out of your meeting?” said Mai, barely glancing over at Zuko as she turned to glare at Sokka, who shrugged and tossed a candy into his mouth. “You must really care about your work.”</p><p>“I’m running a nation, it’s not exactly optional.” Zuko shook his head when Sokka offered him a chocolate, plopping down on his right side since Mai was already to his left. “Anyway, we were waiting for you for like an hour, Azula. Where the hell did you go?”</p><p>“Here.” She shrugged casually, tossing another chocolate into her mouth as if she’d done nothing wrong. “I was bored, and Mai came over to visit when I was coming back from the kitchens, so I decided to hang out with her instead. It’s far more entertaining than all your hypothetical war games.”</p><p>“You know, Azula,” Mai started, “I’m sorry you went through all that bullshit, but I really like you better now.”</p><p>“Me too,” Sokka agreed, nodding enthusiastically. “I know it’s not really the same thing since we weren’t actually friends before and I’m not totally sure what we are now, but it’s pretty great to be able to look at you without thinking ‘oh shit, psycho bitch is trying to kill me again!’ I mean, seriously. No offense, but— ow!”</p><p>He lurched back when Azula shot a spark at him, stinging but not really burning his arm. Zuko turned to glare at his sister, who only shrugged, smirking as she popped another chocolate into her mouth. He flinched when someone pushed against his side, but relaxed when he realized it was just Mai leaning on him. They were all quiet for a minute, Zuko taking the silence as a chance to rest his eyes for a few seconds and the others just chilling as they worked their way through the rest of the candy. It was actually really nice, and Zuko found himself becoming increasingly relaxed as he sat there, all his anxieties suddenly fading away. Just over a month ago he felt like he was entirely on his own, and now he was surrounded by friends. Well, not surrounded so much as sitting in a mutually silent line with his bitchy sister, his ex-girlfriend, and the guy who accidentally became his lifeline, but still. It was nice. So nice, in fact, that Zuko didn’t realize he’d fallen asleep until Mai placed a hand on his knee, patting him gently.</p><p>“Wake up, Mr. Fire Lord, you have a meeting in five minutes.”</p><p>“Mm.” Instead of opening his eyes, he nodded a little bit, refusing to slide away from Mai in spite of her scoffing.</p><p>“Seriously, Zuko, this is a really important meeting. Azula told me you’re meeting with some Earth Kingdom people to work on making amends or whatever.”</p><p>“Yeah, thomething like that.”</p><p>“Goddammit, Zuzu, open your eyes.” Azula shoved him away from Mai, not hitting him hard enough to hurt, but waking him up and pushing him over to the side enough for him to bump into Sokka who nearly dropped the chocolates he was finishing off. “And you, water boy, need to stop eating all of my chocolates. I’ll kick your ass next if you don’t leave my shit alone.”</p><p>“What?” said Sokka, throwing a candy wrapper at her. Oddly enough, he didn’t scoot to get Zuko off him, so Zuko didn’t bother moving. Instead, he closed his eyes again, leaning into Sokka’s shoulder. What he wouldn’t give for a proper nap. “You left a giant bowl of them here! What was I supposed to do, just look? These are the greatest chocolates in the world. The sweetness, the spice, the way they melt in your mouth—”</p><p>“For fuck’s sake.” Mai groaned, crossing her arms against her chest as she shook her head. “There are a thousand things in this nation that need to be taken care of and look at you. The Fire Lord is asleep on his strategist—or whatever the hell you’re here for—and his sister is fighting with said strategist over <em>chocolate</em>. Seriously. We fought and ended a war, and <em>this </em>is what we’ve come to?”</p><p>“To be fair,” Azula started, “I was on the side of <em>continuing </em>the war, so. I don’t really deserve any blame in that regard.”</p><p>They kept bickering but it was hard for Zuko to understand what they said because of where they were sitting, and he couldn’t be bothered to focus any harder. Instead, he let out a breath and shifted deeper into Sokka’s shoulder, keeping his eyes closed as the wind around them picked up peacefully. Zuko could hear Sokka’s heart beating in his chest and somehow, it made it even easier to just breathe and relax into the moment. It was quiet aside from the girls talking and Sokka munching on chocolates, the weather was nice, and at least for the next few minutes, there was no one around to stress him out. It was, honestly, as close to perfect as things could have gotten.</p><p>But then Sokka had to go and ruin it by being all responsible.</p><p>“Okay, come on.” He slid a hand around Zuko, dragging his arm over his shoulder to pull him to his feet. Zuko groaned, still not opening his eyes. <em>Why did he have to go to so many meetings?</em> He heard Sokka snort in response to his reluctance and the girls were probably saying something about him too based on the way their bickering turned into giggling, but he couldn’t tell what without focusing and he didn’t bother to try. “Hey, Jerk Lord, seriously. You have a meeting in like, two minutes. And it’s kind of a really, really important one, so—”</p><p>“You do it,” Zuko grumbled. “You’re the one who came up with the thtuff anyway.”</p><p>“No, you’ve been working on implementing these plans for over a year. I just tossed an addendum onto the end to make the final transitions a little smoother. And regardless of who came up with what plan, I’m pretty sure they want to talk to the Fire Lord, not some random guy from the Water Tribe.”</p><p>“Then they can go to hell becauthe you are <em>infinitely</em> better at thith than I am. I’d kill to have jutht half of your abilitieth.”</p><p>It was only because Zuko was still half asleep that he didn’t see the smirk on Sokka’s face after he spoke. “You know what? I would <em>love </em>to help you work on them sometime, but we have to go now. Come on, you can’t be late for this.”</p><p>He released his grip on Zuko, forcing him to stand independently and finally start to wake up. Though Zuko should have been thinking about the meeting he was about to walk into, or the fact that everything was still blurry from the sleep in his eyes, the only real thought on his mind was how weirdly warm Sokka’s grip was. His fingers were scarred and callused from years of war and hard work but somehow, his touch was one of the softest things Zuko had ever felt.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter Fifteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The ground is crumbling beneath him.</p><p>It’s not the earth, but something harder, colder, solider. He clings to Toph with one hand, the metal clanging beneath their feet as the wind blows the sweat from their brows. In the distance, fire rages like a storm and the harsh sounds of explosions ring far too close for comfort. One moment they’re running, breathing, shaking, and the next, he’s on his back, his leg throbbing like he’s been hit with a sledgehammer—though he doesn’t realize it’s been broken until a bit later, when he tries to stand and cracks the second bone—and Toph is clinging to his arm, tears slipping down her cheeks as she holds him so tightly his wrist feels close to snapping. Luckily, she’s small and not too heavy but his heart pounds harder in his chest as the fear of dropping her sinks into his chest. If he lets go, she’ll die. If he slips up, she’ll die. Her life is <em>literally </em>in his hands and he doesn’t know what to do. People are still fighting, screaming, <em>dying</em>, and he needs to save her, but he can’t even save himself.</p><p>He allows himself a moment of weakness before accepting death. It’s the only time he thanks the universe that Toph is blind so she can’t see how close he is to tears. His leg aches, soldiers are still attacking, he can hear Aang and Ozai fighting and destroying the lands in the distance, and the fire is already too much to bear. It burns around them, the radiating flames almost boiling him alive. Toph lets out a soft cry and he knows he has to do something. He has no plan, and now he’s lost not only his boomerang, but his space sword too. He’s unarmed, unable to fight, <em>useless</em>. He wants to do something, <em>he needs </em>to do something, but he can’t. He can’t do anything to help his friends and family. He doesn’t even know where they are. Toph is still hopelessly clinging to him and he knows Aang is alive because he can hear and see the battle raging in the distance, but the others are all but gone. Suki fell with the other airships and he has no clue whether she survived, while Katara and Zuko could’ve already been killed by Azula. He doesn’t know and that’s the worst part. He doesn’t know. All he has left is Toph so he holds her as tightly as he can. He won’t let her die. <em>He can’t let her die</em>.</p><p>Sokka sat up quickly, sweat dripping down his face as he struggled to breathe, his heart threatening to beat right out of his chest. The wind stopped, the sounds went quiet, and the burning heat around his skin finally began to fade. His leg was no longer throbbing, but his calf felt sore as hell. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself with closed eyes so he could gather his bearings and figure out what to do, how to get out of the worst situation of his life. For a split second he was frozen in a stunned silence, trying to regain control over his lungs, and then he realized there was no weight on his arm and started to panic. Toph was gone. He dropped her. He<em> killed</em> her. <em>He killed Toph</em>.</p><p>No.</p><p>He didn’t.</p><p>When he opened his eyes, Sokka was finally able to accept that he wasn’t on the airship. The world around him wasn’t falling apart, it was coming together. He was sitting in one of the guest beds in the Fire Nation Capital where he was staying with Zuko, his friend, who was not dead. In fact, he was there with Azula too, who definitely hadn’t killed any of his friends. He didn’t know exactly where Aang and Toph were, but he knew they were alive too, and Katara was back at the tribe, perfectly safe. He was probably wondering where the hell her brother had gotten off to since it was officially more than a month after he was meant to return home, but it was fine. They said it themselves, they didn’t need him. They didn’t need Sokka to help them because he was just a kid and they could do it on their own. He needed a break. He needed to get away from everything and let them take care of it for a while because he wasn’t a real leader, he was a wannabe who couldn’t even get past his pathetic fear of public speaking.</p><p>Feeling the tears pooling in his eyes and refusing to let the world see them, even if he was technically alone, Sokka slid beneath his blanket; his hair spilling over his ears and face as he curled himself into a ball. He was <em>fine</em>. He was perfectly safe—probably more than perfectly, honestly, given that he was in one of the highest security buildings in the entire world—so his feeling like he was in a war zone was ridiculous. Panicking over things that happened more than two years ago was ridiculous. Cowering under his blankets and hiding out from the world when he was supposed to be doing things he’d promised Zuko he’d help with was ridiculous. He knew it. He <em>knew </em>he was being stupid, but he couldn’t convince himself to stop. For some reason, as hard as he tried to make himself believe that he was okay, his body wouldn’t listen. Sokka’s hands were shaking and he could feel that his breath was too. Obligations or not, he wasn’t going anywhere until he could make it stop.</p><p>Though he hoped the feeling would pass quickly and he could get to the meeting just a few minutes late, Sokka ended up sitting there, curled up in a stupid little ball, for at least another twenty minutes. At some point, he ended up falling asleep again, still under the covers and his head sunken into the piles of pillows. He wasn’t generally one to sleep entire days away, but he must have slept like shit thanks to his nightmares because when he finally opened his eyes again, the sun was well above his head and it was most definitely close to noon. He groaned and rolled over onto his back, finally tossing the blankets off his face as he turned his head for a full view of the window, only to freeze upon shifting his eyes. Sokka assumed he was alone, but he wasn’t. He was lying there, shirtless, scars exposed, his hair a fucked-up mess, and his blankets torn apart from his nightmare-fueled thrashing, with an <em>audience</em>.</p><p>“Zuko?” He slid into a seated position, dragging his blanket around his waist. “What are you doing?”</p><p>Apparently startled by the sudden question, Zuko looked up quickly, his eyes widening as his gaze locked on Sokka. He was sitting beneath the window, surrounded by scrolls and tray of steaming tea. In his hands he held one paper, which crumpled at the edges as he gripped his fingers around it tightly: his face flushing a bright shade of pink. He quickly turned back to the work in front of him, shaking his head slightly and dropping the one he held when he realized what he’d done to the corners of it. The silence lasted long enough that Sokka almost spoke again, needing at least <em>some </em>response to know that Zuko wasn’t entirely pissed at him—something he was afraid of due to how tightly he’d gripped the paper and the way his fingers burned the edges of it—but thankfully, Zuko opened his mouth before Sokka had to make up an explanation.</p><p>“Sorry, I was worried because you didn’t show up to the meeting,” Zuko started, his mouth moving almost too quickly for Sokka to keep up. “I just came to see what was going on but you were sleeping and I didn’t really want to wake you up so I was going to leave but then I saw these on the floor and <em>damn </em>you have some great ideas. I’ve been reading these for almost an hour. Why haven’t you shared any of them?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Sokka shrugged, dropping his hands into his lap. What Zuko was looking at had nothing to do with what they were working on; it was just ideas. Things he’d written down because he thought the concepts could be beneficial to the Fire Nation or even the Southern Water Tribe. It wasn’t a new thing; he’d been doing it ever since he stepped up at the tribe. Sometimes he just scribbled down thoughts when they came to him. He didn’t have to actually do anything with them. “It’s all just babbles, mostly. Nothing there is even planned out, it’s just stuff I thought of. Random ideas, you know. It’s not really worth bothering anyone with.”</p><p>“<em>Bothering </em>anyone? Sokka, seriously, these are genius. Aside from that one note about a compromise on my plans for the school system because the arts are becoming a requirement and that’s non-negotiable. People need a fully rounded education on the arts just as much as they do for other academic fields. Art and especially theater are so important to Fire Nation culture, and the children don’t care enough anymore. They need to understand <em>why </em>they’re so important to our culture, so they know how to appreciate them. That’s why I was thinking about creating a theater troop here in the capital, so that we can have a greater center for the nation’s arts community, and— I’m talking too much. Sorry. I don’t know why I do that. I know it’s irritating.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay. It’s… nice.”</p><p>“Nice?”</p><p>“Yeah. Normally it’s hard to get you to say more than a few words but you sounded like, I don’t know, happier? Just then. Talking about something you care about. It’s good. You should do it more often.”</p><p>Zuko shook his head, his gaze turning downward. “It’s stupid. I’ve always loved theater but Azula says—”</p><p>“I love poetry.” Sokka barely acknowledged it when Zuko looked to him in surprise, just nodding to confirm it was true. He shoved away a lock of tangled hair, suddenly very aware of the fact that it was all over his face. “Katara thinks it’s stupid. It’s like a girly thing, or whatever, but I don’t know. I always had a thing for it. Reading it, writing it, listening to it… Look, what I’m saying is, it’s not stupid to care about something. You shouldn’t be ashamed of enjoying something you like just because someone else has a different opinion from you.”</p><p>“I get what you’re saying but it’s—” He cut himself off suddenly, running a hand through his own hair as he bit down on his lip. “Thanks, Sokka. For what it’s worth, I like poetry a lot too. Not as much as theater, the superior art, but… yeah. Anyway, I really came in here to ask if you were all right. Just because you never showed up to the meeting this morning and now that the light’s hitting your face I’m realizing you’re all kinds of ill.”</p><p>“No, yeah, I’m fine, I just didn’t sleep very well. Sorry about the meeting, did it go well? Did they accept the offer?”</p><p>He nodded. “Yeah, it was perfect, but I wasn’t particularly good at selling it. I’m really terrible at talking to people.”</p><p>“You are, but that’s just part of your charm.” Sokka did a double take, shaking his head slightly at his own words. <em>What the fuck was he doing?</em> “I’m just saying, if I were a citizen of the Fire Nation, I’d much rather have an awkward, humble Fire Lord than a stuffy, impersonal one.”</p><p>“Thanks, but— we’re talking about me again. You said you didn’t sleep well, did something happen?”</p><p>“No! Nope, just insomnia. Or something. I have no idea; I just could not get to sleep. I’m fine for the rest of the day though. Did you say you’ve been in here for an hour? I thought you had something scheduled for this afternoon.”</p><p>“I did, but it got canceled.” Zuko leaned back against the wall, crossing his legs in front of him. His hair was tied up but somewhat sloppily, and he was wearing a rather casual outfit, which Sokka realized should have tipped him off sooner that he wasn’t meeting with anyone else. “It was the school thing I told you about. I guess half the kids have the stomach flu or something, so they had to reschedule it. I’m free until dinner with… I don’t know, actually. My days are all mixed up. It’s someone from the military. I think. I could be wrong. Hey, do you want to go do something?”</p><p>Sokka furrowed his brow. “Like what?”</p><p>“I don’t know. We could go shopping. You like shopping right? Katara mentioned that once. It was part of a joke, though, so I don’t know if she was serious, but it sounded more like she was using a fact for comedic effect than—”</p><p>“Yes, Jerk Lord, I like shopping. But this is probably your only real break for the next, like, forever, so if you want to do something else, it’s fine. You should do whatever you like to do, not what I like.”</p><p>“Okay, but I don’t like to do anything,” said Zuko. Sokka almost laughed considering the way he’d just babbled on about theater, but kept his mouth shut. If Zuko wanted to be an angsty idiot, that was fine by him. “What I really want is to get out of the palace, so if you like shopping, then I’ll be honest and say I’m not too big on it so you can’t expect me to get too excited about anything, but I would be <em>more </em>than happy to wander around somewhere that’s not these same stupid hallways. Seriously. I’m going insane. So, come on. I will even get you something to eat from one of our stunning local businesses. I don’t know what, but I’m rich as fuck so just take your pick. I’ll meet you out front in fifteen minutes. Oh, and for the record, you should probably put a shirt on before we go. Just… an idea.”</p><p>With that, Zuko leapt to his feet and skidded over to the door; sending one last, lengthy gaze Sokka’s way before he actually left the room. Sokka stared in silence after he left, part of his brain excited to go shopping in one of the richest cities in the world with one of the richest people in the world, but the other, larger part of his brain was short-circuiting. Something was going on in his head and he couldn’t figure out what until he realized it was those same damn thoughts again. He didn’t ask for them, he didn’t want them to be there, and he knew he was probably responsible for indulging himself the first time they popped into his head, but he never thought they would keep going. So, instead of blaming himself, he decided to blame Zuko.</p><p>
  <em>Why did he have to look so damn cute when he was flustered?</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Sokka got dressed quickly and made it out front a few minutes early, though Zuko wasn’t there yet. When their arranged time came and went, he was almost worried Zuko got caught up in something else, but that turned out not to be the case. Just a couple minutes later than they planned, Zuko showed up, a small bag in his hands. He handed it over to Sokka, whose eyes went wide when he slid it open to find it was filled with coins. Sokka didn’t think he’d ever seen that much money in his life, let alone held it in his own two hands. He looked up to Zuko with wide eyes, and his friend must’ve understood his shock because he almost laughed.</p><p>“I know it’s a lot,” said Zuko, shrugging as he turned to walk down the steps, Sokka sticking to his side, “but I have way too much of it. Spend whatever you want, the people need it more than I do.”</p><p>Rather than saying anything, Sokka just nodded and dropped the coins into his pocket, shooting a smile Zuko’s way. Zuko did not return it, unfortunately, but he didn’t look utterly uncomfortable or unhappy either, so Sokka counted it was a win. They walked all the way to the market on their own—plus Zuko’s team of guards who kept their distance but were most definitely trailing them everywhere they went—and though they didn’t talk a whole lot, Sokka noticed that Zuko relaxed more as they went, and he felt like he was calming down too. The morning might have gotten off to a shitty start, but spending time outside, where the breeze was blowing calmly and the skies were nice and clear, made him feel safe. He was able to fully recognize that he was protected. That the worst was behind him and everything that happened next, whatever it was, could never match up to what he’d already been through.</p><p>The Fire Nation Capital’s market was one of the grandest places Sokka had ever been in terms of shopping, and he was somewhat in awe. Yes, he’d been there before, and even recently, but never with <em>money</em>. Never when he actually had the chance to buy whatever he wanted, whether that was food for junk or gifts for his family. Plus, he didn’t have to worry about anyone being rude to him because he was with the literal Fire Lord and even if someone disliked Sokka, they would never speak out against someone who was friends with the leader of their nation. Not that he wanted to use Zuko for his own gain, that was just an extra little benefit that came with being his friend.</p><p>Though there were a thousand places to go to, Sokka immediately flocked to one of the food stands, insisting they get a snack because he was starving, and he’d never had real authentic street fire flakes. Zuko didn’t get anything to eat but accepted an offer of tea which he quietly determined to be not half as good as his uncle’s. Sokka, however, was thrilled by his fire flakes and savored every bite of them because they were a thousand times better than any kind of gift shop or import fire flakes he’d had before, even if they did almost burn his tongue off. He kind of wanted to drink them all at once but decided it was better to eat a few at a time like popcorn, so he could make them last while they continued shopping. Zuko didn’t look particularly interested in what they were doing and let Sokka take the lead, forcing a smile to those who recognized him and shaking the hands of a few people who wanted to commend him for this or that.</p><p>Thanks to the time of day, a lot of people were still working, so the markets weren’t overly busy, and they were able to wander around with ease. Sokka purchased a bag before anything else, which Zuko rolled his eyes at but approved of to carry his future purchases. In general, Zuko wasn’t a big fan of the shopping part of the day and that was obvious, but he seemed to be having fun spending time outside the palace so Sokka didn’t push him to do anything else. He’d already rejected one offer to do what he wanted, and Sokka wasn’t going to erase what was in Zuko’s mind, a kind, generous proposal. Besides, they were both having a good time, so it didn’t really matter what they were doing. At least, not until Zuko suddenly stopped his banter and fell silent as they walked through a section of generally uninteresting stands. Sokka turned to look at him, ceasing his own babbling about whatever came to mind, and frowned when he realized Zuko’s chest was rising and falling much faster than was natural.</p><p>“Hey, Jerk Lord.” Sokka’s voice was low as he nudged Zuko’s shoulder. “You all right?”</p><p>“I can’t hear you.” For a split second, Sokka thought the whole thing was a joke, a strange sort of humor, but then he recognized just how serious Zuko’s tone was and became more concerned. He started to speak again, but Zuko cut him off. “Okay, I know you’re talking but I don’t know what you’re saying. It’s too loud.”</p><p>It was only at that moment, <em>years </em>after he first caught wind of the situation, that Sokka realized it went deeper than he thought. He decided not to press it any further, instead wrapping his arm around Zuko’s shaking bicep and leading him through the growing crowd to a quieter spot behind one of the restaurants. All things considered, Zuko didn’t look that bad, he was just breathing very deeply and Sokka could feel on his arm that his heart was beating much faster than normal. He released his grip once they were out of sight of the general public, looking to Zuko with his brow knit. Sokka opened his mouth to ask if he was okay, but Zuko spoke first, his voice slightly breathy but not overtly anxious.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he said, running a hand over his face as he took a long, deep breath. “I’m fine, we can keep going. I just… I don’t do well with people touching me. Not you. You’re fine. Sorry. I mean, like, strangers. Just all these people who think it’s okay to touch me and get in my space just because I’m a public figure. And I’m okay with them talking to me, you know, I understand but I don’t— I don’t like the touching and there were just a lot— a lot of people touching me.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s fine.” Sokka nodded understandingly, one hand still reaching out to offer Zuko support. “Do you want to go back to the palace? If you’re not comfortable with this, we can just—”</p><p>“No, I’m fine, I don’t want to ruin your day. I’m having a good time, really, I don’t want to go back to the palace, I just want people to stop touching me. I don’t understand why being the Fire Lord means it’s okay for anyone to get in my space and put their hands on me, when I really— I really don’t like it.”</p><p>“All right, uh, hold on.”</p><p>He took a step back, crossing his arms as he looked Zuko up and down. After several seconds of thought, Sokka grinned slightly and moved closer to him. Zuko gave him an odd look when Sokka reached up and pulled out the pin holding in his topknot, sending his hair spilling all over his face. Surprised, Zuko shook his head, but didn’t have much time to do anything about his hair before Sokka went after it again; making a hopefully-not-too-obvious point of showing Zuko where his hand was before moving it over the left side of his face and pushing his hair around. Zuko pulled away a bit but didn’t tell Sokka to back off, so he kept at his efforts until he was satisfied enough with his work to step back again.</p><p>“There,” said Sokka, nodding approvingly. “No one ever sees you with your hair down, right? Not the general public, at least, and your hair is pretty much covering your scar so I can’t do much about the actual shopkeepers, but in passing, most people won’t recognize you. Also, I know it’s not the first time you’ve had your hair down since I’ve been here, but I did <em>not </em>realize it had gotten that long. <em>Wow</em>.”</p><p>Zuko reached up to touch his hair instinctively, which was a significant number of inches longer than the last time Sokka had seen him. He was silent for a few seconds, before he finally stumbled out, “I could say the same about yours. It doesn’t look that long when you have it up like that but when you sat up this morning I was… I mean, it makes sense that it would have to be long to fit in a wolftail—god knows I’ve done enough topknots—but I just did <em>not </em>picture it like… like <em>that</em>.”</p><p>For some reason, Sokka couldn’t keep the smile from his face. “I can’t tell if you’re making fun of me or not.”</p><p>“I’m not, I’m just returning your comment. How could I make fun of you for it? Mine is longer. Seriously, look at us. Just a couple of long-haired dumbasses hiding out in an alley.”</p><p>“<em>Dumbasses</em>? Excuse you! We’re running a <em>nation</em> here. Dumbasses couldn’t do that. They— I just said <em>we’re </em>running a nation, didn’t I? Okay, that was over the line. That was— yeah, sorry. Okay. Too far. Let’s go back to shopping.”</p><p>“No, it’s fine.” Zuko shrugged, shaking his head as he reached out for Sokka’s wrist. “It <em>is </em>my nation, but you’ve probably done more than I have this past month, so. You do deserve the credit for that, regardless of who is technically in charge of the nation or how long you’re actually going to be here for. Did you ever hear back from your family, by the way?”</p><p>Sokka’s eyes went wide and he turned away, walking back out into the market. Zuko followed him on the left and for a moment, Sokka almost scooted to his other side, but stopped when he realized what Zuko was doing, acknowledging that it was best to let his friend make the decision for himself. Besides, his thoughts were too occupied by what Zuko brought up to be thinking about anything else. Because yes, Sokka <em>told</em> Zuko that he sent something to his family to let them know he’d be staying in the Fire Nation for longer, but in technical terms, he hadn’t actually done that.</p><p>It wasn’t because he didn’t want to talk to the tribe—he missed them more than anything in the world, and he hated himself for being too fucked up to just get over it and talk to them already—but because he didn’t know what to say to them. That he was a coward and he ran away from all his problems instead of facing them? That he was too weak to stay with Suki after what happened, so he fled to the Fire Nation to be with his friend, the low-key asshole, high-key pretty Fire Lord who Katara <em>still </em>wasn’t particularly fond of? No. He couldn’t do that. They’d think he abandoned them and the tribe and with how much they already doubted him, he couldn’t add that to the tally.</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Sokka nodded, not stopping his stride, and avoiding Zuko’s gaze by pretending to look at the merchandise around them. “Everything is going good over there, and they said thanks for the supplies. They really appreciate it. Sorry I forgot to tell you, most of it was pretty uninteresting.”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Zuko assured him. Though far less people seemed to notice their presence in the market, Sokka realized that Zuko was standing extremely close to him, as if he were still uncomfortable in the crowd. “I was just wondering if they got your letter. I didn’t want them to worry about where you were. I know how much they care about you.”</p><p>Sokka smiled but couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Honestly, that was probably exactly what they were doing, and suddenly, he realized just how selfish he was being. He didn’t want to tell them where he was because he didn’t want to face his fears himself, but they had to be waist deep in their worst fears already, and he didn’t do right by Suki either. So, on their way back through what he’d previously determined to be ‘uninteresting’ shops, Sokka decided to stop and purchase a couple pieces of jewelry to send to Katara, Suki, and Gran Gran, as well as a few nice knives for his dad and Bato (he didn’t get anything for Pakku because while he knew it was petty, secretly, he still had a thing against him for the way he’d treated Katara at the North Pole).</p><p>He didn’t know what he was going to say. He didn’t know how he was ever going to express what he needed to tell them. But he knew that he couldn’t put it off any longer. At that point, they were probably terrified that something went wrong and as much as Sokka’s stupid brain kept trying to convince him that they wouldn’t even know he was missing, it wasn’t true. His family cared about him more than anything in the world and if he was being honest with himself, they were probably scared out of their wits that he was dead in the ocean somewhere and he couldn’t let them believe that. Not when he was perfectly fine and living it up in the Fire Nation’s palace. He had to write to them as soon as he got back to his room, so he could send the letter out as soon as possible. So, he could give them <em>something </em>to let them know he wasn’t dead, even if they never forgave him for leaving them the way he did.</p><p>“Hey, Sokka?”</p><p>He turned when Zuko spoke to him, one brow raised. “Yeah?”</p><p>“I just wanted to say thanks, I guess.” Zuko looked almost uneasy, though he shruggef as if it were no big deal. “You know, the people I usually go in public with, they just tell me to get over it. Advisors and stuff. They don’t care about me, just my image, and it’s kind of nice someone stopped to think about what I’m comfortable with. You didn’t have to do that.”</p><p>“Yes, I did. You’re my friend, Zuko. That’s what friends do.”</p><p>“Right. I guess I just forget that sometimes. I never really had friends before you guys. I’m not so great at the social stuff, so the other kids just didn’t like me. Not to mention all my royalty baggage.”</p><p>Sokka gave him a look. “They don’t know what they missed out on.”</p><p>Though Zuko looked away when he said that, his cheeks slightly pink, Sokka kept his own head up. He meant what he said. Even if he did miss his family, and he was terrified that they were freaking out about where he was and would be disappointed in him for lying about what happened, he couldn’t change his mind on everything he did. Regardless of what occurred after he left the Fire Nation, or how people treated him when he finally got back home, there was still one single thing that he could never, ever look back on and think he could have done differently.</p><p>Because, after all they went through, he would <em>never </em>regret sticking around to help Zuko.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter Sixteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a good thing Zuko wasn’t meeting with anyone overly important that afternoon because his mind was far from in the right place.</p><p>Something he came to realize not just over the last month, but the last couple of years, was that having friends was weird. They weren’t just people, they were people who wanted to spend time with you; and not just for your wealth or by obligation, they want to spend time with you for <em>you</em>. And, oddly enough, they cared when something was wrong. Mai checked up on him at least twice a week, Azula found him once a day to bitch in a way that would test his mood, and Sokka… Sokka just <em>got </em>him. Though Zuko was far from the best at hiding his emotions, people like Mai and Azula never noticed that something was up until it all burst out of him. Sokka, however, seemed to catch on before Zuko himself even realized he was shaking. He reacted so quickly that if Zuko started to get even the <em>slightest </em>bit uncomfortable in a meeting, Sokka shut down the source of stress and took over to give him a chance to recover.</p><p>Until he joined Team Avatar, Zuko didn’t know what friends were supposed to be like. He still didn’t really know, living so far away from most of the people he could call ‘friends’, but if they were like Sokka, he thought he could really like having them—even if it <em>was </em>weird to have people looking out for him. Normally, when he was out in public and felt anxious or uncomfortable, he just had to suck it up and keep going. He was the Fire Lord, after all; it was his <em>duty </em>to be there for the people regardless. But with Sokka, it was about what was best for <em>him</em>, and though that wasn’t a sustainable or even preferable way to operate (all things aside, he still recognized that the people were more important than him), he liked it. He <em>liked </em>Sokka looking out for him. He <em>liked </em>Sokka holding his hand and making fun of his hair. Though he never thought he’d be able to say it, when it really came down to it, Zuko <em>liked </em>having friends.</p><p>“…and we’ve been discussing your initial thoughts on a well-rounded education, but we’re not so sure that it’s the best road to go down.” The woman speaking was the head of the Fire Nation’s board of education. It was Zuko’s first meeting with the board, and unfortunately, it wasn’t going remarkably well so far. “So, in conclusion, we believe that your idea to revitalize the school system is definitely a good start, we just aren’t convinced that this is the right way to go about it. We’d like to focus more on the aspects of vital academic disciplines, and possibly return to the subject of the arts in the future.”</p><p>“I’m not putting off the discussion if that’s what you’re suggesting,” said Zuko quickly. “I’m willing to work on the current state of the system before we start really changing it, but my mind is already made up. I want children to have a real knowledge of the arts and regardless of how you look at it, we’re lacking in that department right now.”</p><p>“A lot of schools do offer those classes, Fire Lord Zuko, they’re just not mandatory,” added another man at the table.</p><p>“Yes, but I want <em>all </em>schools to offer them.”</p><p>“I understand that,” the head of the board went on, “but it’s not a necessary part of education. It won’t further them in life the way our current curriculum is intended to do. Education is not about what we <em>want </em>to learn, it’s about what we <em>need </em>to learn, and what children need is…”</p><p>They spent the better part of the rest of the meeting arguing over what should be considered ‘important’ and by the end of it, Zuko was about ready to throw himself out the window. He was hoping that he’d be able to make some simple changes to the school system, but the board was not on his side and going directly against them regardless was no way to run a nation, leaving him in a tight spot. Rather than becoming upset with the way the meeting went, Zuko instead found himself frustrated and angry—he provided so many good arguments and they just didn’t care. They didn’t care about the arts at all. Nobody in the entire room, not <em>one person </em>aside from himself, gave a single shit about it.</p><p>Technically, Zuko was supposed to go to dinner after his meeting, but he wasn’t hungry at all. Rage was boiling in his veins and so he decided to go outside, hoping the nighttime breeze would help him cool off. He sat down beside the turtle duck pond, stripping off his shoes and dipping his toes into the water with them. One of the ducklings swam over and nibbled at his toes, and he couldn’t help but smile a bit at the ticklish feeling around his feet. He flopped onto his back rather ungracefully, leaving his toes in the water as he closed his eyes, relaxing into the grass beneath him. The one problem with getting used to having Sokka around to keep him in line was that when he wasn’t there—because, as much as he hated to admit it, there was a lot of stuff that Sokka just had no part in—was that when he wasn’t, Zuko’s temper had a habit of getting out of line. Thankfully, he’d mastered his poker face, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t feel like shit after a bad argument.</p><p>He sank into the grass, gripping several strands between his fingers. With his eyes closed, the breeze on his face, and the cool grass around him, Zuko finally started to calm down. Just because the first meeting had gone badly didn’t mean the rest would follow the same way. In fact, there was every chance he could win them over if he worked on his pitch, which he decided would be a great thing to go over right then. He breathed out deeply, running through the possibilities in his mind. He stopped only when he heard footsteps walking near him, and opened his eyes to find Azula and Mai coming his way; Azula whispering saying something to Mai that appeared to be along the lines of, “I told you he’d be out here”. At first, Zuko groaned, expecting them to confront him about skipping dinner, but instead, they just sat down beside him. He didn’t bother sitting up.</p><p>“Hey, Zuzu. Decide eating is beneath you again?” Zuko didn’t respond, to which Azula rolled her eyes. “I’m joking, idiot. That’s not what we came to talk to you about, though I guess technically that is a part of it.”</p><p>“Well, I’m stressed as shit right now so if you’re here to bitch at me, I’d really rather you don’t.”</p><p>“We’re not here to bitch at you, Zuko,” said Mai, sighing deeply, “we just need to talk. Azula and I have been working on something this past week or so, and we thought it was time we let you know about it. Here.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t sit up when Mai dropped a sheet of paper onto his stomach, but he lifted his head enough to see what was on it. Names. A long list of unfamiliar names. “What’s this?”</p><p>“It’s a list of therapists we think would be good for you. You need to talk to someone.”</p><p>“No, I don’t. I’m fine. Where is this coming from?”</p><p>“‘Where is this coming from?’” Azula almost laughed, shaking her head slowly. “It wasn’t six weeks ago that you came to my house sobbing like a little child because you were in such a fucked-up place. Nothing has changed since then and you’re still treating yourself like shit so it’s pretty obvious you need help. Quite honestly, I think the only reason you haven’t killed yourself yet is because Sokka forced you back onto a normal schedule. Not that you’ve been doing remarkably well at eating, mind you, but—”</p><p>“Seriously, I’m fine.” Zuko dropped his head back onto the ground, shoving the list of therapists in Azula’s direction. She glared at him. “Just leave me alone, I don’t want to talk about this.”</p><p>“Yeah, and that’s exactly why you need to do it,” snapped Mai. “We’re not trying to piss you off, we’re trying to make sure you don’t fucking die. This isn’t a joke, Zuko. We’re worried about you.”</p><p>“Why? I know I had a weird phase last month but I’m <em>fine</em>. I was just stressed. You’re making something out of nothing.”</p><p>“Stop saying that! If you were fine, you wouldn’t keep having panic attacks and trying to burn your own arms off.”</p><p>It took everything in Zuko’s power not to react to her words. His arms were hidden by his sleeves and there wasn’t much to see anyway. None of the burns were bad enough to scar, and enough time had passed since the last time he did it that they were nearly all healed. Besides, it wasn’t intentional. He’d only done it two or three times and it was <em>never </em>intentional; it was a fear response. A really bad, fucked-up fear response, but a fear response all the same. It was just another overreaction from his bad period, and that was behind him. He was <em>fine</em>. He was stressed, but he was in charge of an entire nation. He was allowed to freak out sometimes.</p><p>“One: thanks for telling her about that, Azula.” Zuko glared at his sister before turning back to Mai on his other side. “And two: I swear to god, I’m <em>fine</em>. Just fuck off, all right? I just got out of one of the shittiest meetings and I don’t need this right now.”</p><p>“Zuko—”</p><p>He didn’t let Azula get a word out. “<em>No.</em> Leave me alone. Now!”</p><p>The relief of being alone lasted only seconds after the women walked away from him, almost instantly being replaced by a feeling of utter guilt. They weren’t trying to do anything wrong, they just wanted to help. They wanted to help him, and he yelled at them to get away. <em>That </em>was why he never had friends before. <em>That </em>was why people never liked him. Because he pushed everyone away. Even when they wanted to get to know him and help him, he screamed at them and made them dislike him. That was why no one visited him. That was why they rarely sent letters. He couldn’t blame them for ignoring him anymore because he knew that it was his fault. <em>He </em>was the asshole who wouldn’t let people get close to him. They wanted to be friends and his sheer attitude alone told them not to.</p><p>It didn’t matter if he wanted friends. It could never happen because, as much as he wanted to pretend it wasn’t true, it was. He unintentionally pushed away everyone he loved.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Zuko spent another hour with his toes in the pond before he finally retired to his chambers.</p><p>He actively avoided and ignored everyone on his way there, his shoes in his hands and his topknot severely messed up from having laid down for nearly ninety minutes. A few of the servants gave him odd looks—one janitorial worker looking particularly annoyed by the mud and water he trailed behind him—but Zuko didn’t pay them any mind. All he wanted to do was get back to his room and write a letter to his uncle because he needed to figure out what was going on in his head. It was moving too quickly, hurting him too harshly, and he couldn’t process his thoughts quickly enough to truly grasp how he felt about his earlier realizations. Earlier that same afternoon he was thanking the universe for finally allowing him to have friends, maybe even a <em>best </em>friend, and now he was stuck worrying that he’d lost two of the people who mattered to him most.</p><p>All things considered, he wasn’t <em>too</em> concerned about losing Mai or Azula. It was far from the first time he’d shouted at either of them, and it wasn’t like they hadn’t shouted at him a thousand times before. But they weren’t the same as other people; they were tougher, less emotional, understood him better having grown up at his side. They weren’t the friends he’d made at the end of the war, the ones who rarely spoke to him and almost never came to visit. The ones who flinched when he shouted at him and rightfully put him in his place. The ones who he couldn’t bear to lose but was risking his relationships with every time he acted like a dick. Toph, Suki, Aang, Katara, <em>Sokka</em>. He realized that he was probably only extra attached to Sokka because they’d been spending so much time together recently, but the thought of losing him was especially fucking terrifying.</p><p>Once he was back in his room, Zuko slid into his nightwear, not bothering to mess with his hair despite how tangled it was. He dropped down at his desk, sliding out yet another fresh sheet of paper and dipped his brush into ink. When he first started writing, Zuko was just explaining the state of the school system in an effort to get out his feelings about what happened with the meeting earlier. He went a bit heavy on the profanity in places—it was particularly difficult for him to refer as the head of the school board as anything other than ‘that bitch’—but he already knew he wouldn’t really be sending the letter onto his uncle, so it didn’t matter. He just needed to write down everything that happened, and somehow, his bitching about the board meeting turned into bitching about how it spoiled a day that was going so well and <em>that </em>turned into him writing about how he’d spent several hours shopping with Sokka that afternoon and discovered that, even though he didn’t really like shopping, he <em>did </em>really like spending time with Sokka.</p><p>Honestly, of all the people in Team Avatar, he never would’ve picked Sokka as the one to get so close to him. Not because he didn’t like him, he admired his skills more than anything, but he had such a ridiculous sense of humor and with people like Toph and Suki around, it was hard to predict that the two of them would be the ones who connected so deeply. Of course, they really only connected the way they did because they were temporarily living and working together, but still, they got along <em>so well</em> and Sokka was <em>so sweet</em>, Zuko couldn’t believe he’d spent so long not bothering to get to know him better. While he was still firmly on team ‘you’re all overreacting and I do not need any therapy’, Zuko did have to admit that Mai and Azula were right about one thing—Sokka <em>was </em>the only reason he’d gotten back onto a real schedule. The guy had an incredible, caring, and protective way about him, and while he’d noticed it way back when they were still enemies, Zuko never thought he would be on the receiving end of Sokka’s affection. The positive side of Sokka’s overprotectiveness. Because, as surprising as it was, the comforting, perfectly protective Sokka—</p><p>—was standing right behind him.</p><p>Zuko nearly leapt out of his feet when he heard the door slide open, footsteps coming towards him. At first, he was expecting to turn around and find Azula standing there, ready to get back at him for what he’d done to her and Mai, but he froze when he saw it was Sokka, standing there with a tray in his hands. On it was nothing fancy, just some fruits, bread, things of the sort, and a steaming pot of tea with two cups. Sokka stopped walking beside Zuko’s right shoulder, offering the plate to him silently. When Zuko failed to take it, he spoke up, his voice quiet and carrying that iconic air of babbling.</p><p>“You didn’t eat anything,” he said, as if he felt the need to explain his actions. He didn’t move, continuing to stand there until he realized Zuko was not going to take the tray from him, at which point he slid it onto the desk in front of him, practically forcing him to accept the food. That settled, Sokka stepped back and hopped onto the bench by the window, leaning back against the wall beside it. “Sorry, I just— I didn’t remember you having lunch either and I didn’t know if you had breakfast, so I was worried you weren’t eating enough again.”</p><p>“No, you’re fine, I get it. Thanks.” Zuko glanced down to the tray but didn’t eat anything; instead, pouring himself and Sokka each a cup of tea. “I… you’re right, I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch. I guess I was stressed. I’m still stressed. I don’t think I’m going to be able to get this stuff through. The board of education really doesn’t like my ideas. Or me. I think they’re still looking at me as one of the children instead of an adult making decisions for the people. A lot of people do that, really. I hate it. I know I’m young but I’m not a fucking little kid.”</p><p>“I know what you mean.” Sokka took the cup of tea when Zuko handed it over to him, holding it in both hands instead of taking a sip. “Back at the tribe, I was supposed to be helping my dad. You know, working on the same level as him, because he said we were equals. But that’s… not really what happened. I have a thing with public speaking, and I think that especially set me back, because where I could get the older men to look at me as a strong warrior in combat, I could never figure out how to win them over as a leader.”</p><p>“For what it’s worth, they’re missing out. You’re one hell of a leader, Sokka, and I’m not just saying that. Your plans have literally saved my ass on multiple occasions since you got here. Public speaking is just hard. I’m not that good at it either—you saw my awful speech when I was updating the laws—I’ve just had way too much practice. And I wasn’t going to tell anyone this, but before you got here, my old advisor—you know, the one I fired—had probably a dozen specialists come in here trying to fix me. I can’t do people. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. But it doesn’t matter how shit you are with words as long as you do the right thing. The proof is in the people. You saw how they praised my actions, regardless of how embarrassing the actual delivery of the news was. Yeah, they might respect you a little less as a person, but that doesn’t mean they won’t admire your abilities. Not that <em>I </em>admire your abilities, of course, but you <em>are </em>like, really damn good at—”</p><p>“Thanks, Zuko.” He turned his attention to his tea, covering his smile with the excuse of a drink. He lowered the cup after a few too many seconds, his face again a blank slate as he turned to the tray on Zuko’s desk. “Look, I’m sorry to be so pushy, but can you please eat something? I’m getting hungry just thinking about how hungry you must be. I may just have to go back and buy a whole bunch more of those fire flakes. Unless there’s something else you like more because at this point, I’m getting desperate. I don’t even understand <em>why </em>you don’t eat, and— shit, sorry, was that too far? I wasn’t trying to pry; I was just making a joke. Sorry.”</p><p>“No, you’re fine.” Only aware that his face had fallen thanks to Sokka’s sudden backtracking, Zuko looked away, biting down on his lip. “I don’t really know why I don’t eat. I think I just forget sometimes? And there’s a lot of times when I feel really sick and I don’t want to make it worse. I’m not <em>trying </em>to avoid eating, it just happens, and I guess I don’t care enough to do anything about it. Plus, I drink enough tea that I don’t even always notice when I’m hungry.”</p><p>“Yeah, I kind of picked up on that. Not that it’s a bad thing, just… I didn’t realize one person could consume as much tea as you do.”</p><p>“I know, I know, it’s a whole thing. I don’t really want to talk about it.” He lifted a piece of bread from the tray, trying to convince himself to eat, but ended up just tearing off small chunks of it. “Hey, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve been wanting to ask you a question for a while and I was just wondering… why are you still here? Like, I love having you here, I know I said that before, I just don’t get it. You said you were going home after three days and then I thought you’d be gone in a week and you weren’t and then I thought maybe you were sticking around to see our project go through, all that’s done with and you’re still here. Why? Don’t you want to go back to the tribe?”</p><p>Sokka shifted uncomfortably. “I mean, yeah. I miss my family a lot, and the tribe, and the snow, but I don’t know. I really like it here and I think I’m doing a lot of good, but back at the tribe I just felt like I was failing over and over. And I know that’s probably an exaggeration because my family loves me and everything and I worked really hard but every time I botched something I just felt like shit and it— I’m really proud of what I’ve helped you do here. Logically, I know I need to go home, and I do get really homesick sometimes, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet.”</p><p>“Well, if you’re going to stall with another project, I wouldn’t recommend the whole uprooting the Fire Nation refugees thing,” said Zuko, still picking at his bread. “That’s probably going to take a couple years to finish, especially given that I’ve already been working on it for god knows how many months. No, okay, but seriously, you <em>should </em>be proud. I don’t know if I would’ve made the right call on those laws without you.”</p><p>“Yeah, those baby curfews were a bitch.”</p><p>“You know what I’m talking about.” Zuko didn’t want to say it outright, feeling awkward about the situation though he knew he had no real reason to. Well, aside from the obvious ‘he was fairly sure the law made him uncomfortable because he was at least somewhat more aesthetically attracted to men than women’, of course. “I know family can be complicated sometimes, and— no, actually I shouldn’t say that because our families are complicated in <em>vastly </em>different ways, but the point still stands. I’m the Fire Lord and you’re— okay, that doesn’t quite work either. Look, what I’m trying to say is that you’re in a tight spot and it’s fine. I know I said it before, but you can stay here as long as you want. I wasn’t pressuring you to leave or anything, I was just wondering. I didn’t, uh, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t the reason you were staying. You know, since I was all kinds of fucked-up when you got here.”</p><p>“To be fair, you’re still pretty fucked-up right now or I wouldn’t have had to bring you dinner,” Sokka pointed out, glancing down at his tea, “but no, I’m not staying here just because of you.”</p><p>“‘Just’? Does that mean you’re kind of here for me? Is that a weird question? I’m not used to having friends.”</p><p>“Yes, I’m here for you too. Actually, I— when you really boil down to it, I— I guess you are pretty much the entire reason why I’m here.”</p><p>He frowned. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“I… wasn’t supposed to come here.” Sokka looked down to his tea, hesitating before he went on. His voice was quiet, his normally bright blue eyes seeming almost ashamed and unable to meet Zuko’s gaze. “My dad thought I needed a vacation, and I let him and Katara talk me into visiting Suki. But it was— some things happened and we broke up and she’s still my best friend, you know, but I— I said I was going back to the tribe to deal with an emergency but really there was a ship going to the Fire Nation and I realized I hadn’t seen you in a while and I thought… I don’t know. We hadn’t talked in ages, and I was in a weird headspace, and I thought it would be nice to catch up. So, yeah. I lied. To you, to Suki, to the tribe. I just— I was stressed, and I missed you, and I couldn't be there anymore, so I took a detour and things got out of hand. I didn’t mean for it to go this far. Sorry. You’re probably pissed. I’ll go.”</p><p>“No, Sokka, wait.”</p><p>Zuko reached out to his friend before he could leave the room, his own heart pounding. There was no way he was telling the truth, right? No one would ever come to the Fire Nation just to see <em>him</em>. Not like that. Thankfully, Sokka turned around, only walking back over when Zuko gestured to him. The moment he was close enough, he threw his arms around his friend, pulling him into a tight embrace. Sokka seemed confused at first, but eventually sank into his grasp, wrapping his own arms around Zuko’s shoulders as he slowly lowered himself to be closer to his friend’s sitting height. They stayed that way for a long several seconds, neither of them moving an inch when Zuko started to speak.</p><p>“I’m not mad at you.” He shifted his arms a little, trying to get Sokka to cease his slight trembling. “Just… you know you can talk to me, right? I have unloaded so much shit on you since you got here and if you ever need to talk about anything… I’m here, okay? And I’m sorry if I sound weird right now but I didn’t— I don’t know, I didn’t think anyone would ever miss me.”</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka’s grip tightened around his shoulders, his loose hairs tickling the side of Zuko’s head. “I know your life’s been a real shit show, but contrary to what you seem to believe, you <em>are </em>a really great person.”</p><p>“Thanks, that means a lot coming from one of the greatest people I know. I mean— shit. Smartest? Nicest? Bravest? All of those? What word am I looking for here?”</p><p>He smiled, leaning his forehead against the edge of Zuko’s hairline. “Has anyone ever told you you’re awkward as hell?”</p><p>“Did I not just tell you my old advisor tried to have that trained out of me?” Sokka snorted as he finally pulled away, Zuko’s eyes going wide while he watched his friend bounce back over to the window seat. There was a weird feeling in his chest after Sokka slid away from him, something fluttering and unfamiliar, and it was near impossible to ignore it. “It’s not funny! He spent thousands trying to <em>fix </em>me. I’m not a piece of fucking equipment. And didn’t you just say you can’t do public speaking either?”</p><p>“I did say that, but this isn’t public speaking. I can operate on a personal level. You’re just a disaster. In the best possible way, but still. Disaster.”</p><p>The weirdest thing happened then and Zuko turned away almost instinctively. He felt his face flush, his cheeks going warm as a smile slid its way onto his face. <em>What the fuck was that doing there?</em> Sokka just insulted him right to his face and Zuko was <em>smiling</em>? There was something wrong with his body. It couldn’t be natural, it was just the stress and hunger getting to him. Regardless of the cause, he kept his face turned to the left for a bit longer, hoping he was at an angle where Sokka wouldn’t be able to see if his cheeks were really as pink as they felt. Thankfully, if he did notice it, he didn’t say anything, instead going back to sipping at his tea. When he spoke again, the topic went backwards instead of forwards; Zuko suddenly realizing that his friend had all but ignored his offer to talk.</p><p>“You’re still not eating,” Sokka pointed out.</p><p>He glanced over to the crumbled bread he dropped back on the plate. “Sorry, I’m just really sick to my stomach.”</p><p>“Yeah, because you didn’t eat.”</p><p>“I was going to blame it on stress from the assholes I had to meet with earlier, but I guess that would make sense too.”</p><p>“Which means the solution is…?”</p><p>“Try to sleep it off?”</p><p>“Eat food, you dumbass.” Sokka sighed, rolling his eyes as he smirked and shook his head. “You know, I never would’ve thought of myself as the mom friend—that’s Katara, obviously—but you’re putting me pretty close to the edge here. Eat your food. <em>Now</em>. If you keep skipping meals we’re going to have a half-dead Jerk Lord on our hands, and I don’t know about your staff but that’s not something I’m really equipped to deal with.”</p><p>“Me neither, though, I guess that’s obvious since I’d be the half-dead one.” Zuko reached up to push a hand through his hair, but the nervous habit didn’t work so well when it was all pulled back aside from the frizzy strands he’d set loose earlier. He turned back to look at Sokka but was surprised to find his friend walking straight past him, only to flop onto the bed. “What are you doing?”</p><p>“Just getting comfortable. Someone’s got to make sure you eat something, and it looks like I’m the only one in here, so… The stakes are being raised, buddy. You want your bed back; you have to eat. No sleep until you eat at least <em>something</em>.”</p><p>“What if I don’t eat anything? You’re just going to leave me starving <em>and </em>sleep-deprived.”</p><p>Sokka frowned, sitting back up again. “Okay, I see your point there, so I’m going to give you like an hour, and then it’s force-feeding time because you need your sleep. Anyway, while I’m waiting for you to stop being a baby, you want to tell me about the assholes in your meeting earlier? I don’t know what you were writing over there, but I’ve never seen someone say ‘bitch’ so many times in one sentence.”</p><p>“Yeah, I hadn’t actually met with anyone from the board of education before,” Zuko started awkwardly, picking at another piece of bread but unable to convince himself to eat it. Part of him wanted to backtrack, to get Sokka to talk and explain what was bothering him, but he didn’t want to push him if he wasn’t ready. “At least, not more than in passing. Basically, it turns out, they don’t agree with my views on a well-rounded education, and it looks like the head herself is kind of a bitch, so I’m not really sure if I’ll be able to get this through, and really, with what they were saying, I don’t know if I should even try.”</p><p>“What do you mean you shouldn’t try? When you were talking about theater this morning you were so fucking passionate, Zuko. If it’s so important to you that children learn about this, you can’t just give up because the people in charge of the <em>current </em>education system are a bunch of jerks. Besides, you’re the Fire Lord. Why do you have to listen to them just because they’re in charge of that? Can’t you change it anyway?”</p><p>“No. I won’t be the person who goes against what everyone else wants for their own gain. And it’s stupid anyway, so it doesn’t matter. We’re going to meet again, like, a lot of times, probably, so we’ll have more chances to debate this. Right now, I think what’s going to happen is that more arts will be offered as an optional course but based on the conversation—or argument, really—that I had today, I don’t think it’s likely it’s going to go the way I wanted. Which is fine, the whole point of talking to other people is to get second opinions on stupid shit I try to do, you know? I’ve been making bad decisions all my life. Not exactly ready to start trusting myself now.”</p><p>“But you should. You—”</p><p>“No, <em>you </em>should,” said Zuko, switching it around before Sokka could even begin to start bullshit about how he was great when he knew he wasn’t. When he <em>knew </em>Sokka redirected the conversation because he wasn’t confident enough in himself. “Not about me, but about you. I’ve been a failure since I was born, Sokka, but you were made to succeed. You’re a fucking <em>genius </em>when it comes to planning and fighting and I can’t believe that your tribe is underutilizing you like you said. I would literally kill to have someone as amazing as you on my permanent team. The only thing holding you back from greatness right now is you. You can do anything, <em>anything </em>that you set your mind to, and I’m not just saying that. Seriously, like, deadass, the reason I keep asking when you’re leaving is because I don’t know what I’m going to do when you’re gone. If you really think the tribe doesn’t want you, just stay. Seriously. Stay. I will let you do as much as you want because you deserve it. You kick ass at everything you do, really. Except public speaking, apparently, but I’m in no place to criticize you there after my ‘flameo’ bullshit.”</p><p>This time, it was Sokka who smirked and looked away. He didn’t hide his smile as well as Zuko hoped he hid his own, but it was all right. He didn’t mind his friend being a little embarrassed, especially if it helped lift his mood after finally confessing to the truth. Sokka was honestly one of the most brilliant people he’d ever met, and the fact that he couldn’t recognize that in himself was almost heartbreaking.</p><p>What he <em>did </em>mind, however, was the fact that he thought Sokka was really cute when he was embarrassed. That was not a feeling he was prepared for in any sense of the word, and suddenly, he realized his aesthetic attraction to men might’ve been a warning sign for something a whole lot deeper.</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter Seventeen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For as long as he could remember, Sokka was surprisingly good at predicting things before they happened. He was no fortune teller, of course—those people were absolute frauds—but he had a knack for seeing far enough into the future to be able to figure out what would occur next. Generally, he had a few guesses as to the events that would follow, so it wasn’t just a yes or no situation and that meant it was rare that he was completely wrong about what would happen. Even when he wasn’t exactly on the mark, he always had <em>something </em>right in his predictions, which was why he was so utterly and completely thrown for a loop at that moment. Not that he blamed himself for not thinking far enough ahead this time, since the situation was so unique.</p><p>After all, who the fuck would ever expect him to wake up in the Fire Lord’s bed?</p><p>In his defense, nothing actually happened, and he knew that because he was sprawled out over three-fourths of the bed and Zuko was… not there. It was still dark out, oddly enough, so Sokka had to blink several times as his eyes adjusted to the dim moonlight. Once he did, he found that Zuko actually was still in the room, he was just asleep at his desk. Sokka remembered them being in those same spots—Zuko drinking a lot of tea, though he only nibbled at his food, and Sokka sinking into the pillows as they chattered about this and that—but he couldn’t remember at what point he’d fallen asleep. Either way, he blamed himself for Zuko having fallen asleep in a pile of breadcrumbs and decided to take it into his own hands.</p><p>He yawned and stood up, his feet only shuffling against the floor as he moved over to where Zuko was sitting. He reached around Zuko’s waist with his right hand, his left taking one arm and pulling it around his shoulder as he urged Zuko’s dead weight into bed. Sokka did his best to ease him onto the mattress, but Zuko was entirely unconscious and basically flopped into the blankets, though he did settle into the pillows with one arm as Sokka dragged the duvet over him. He nearly turned to walk away right then but stopped when he realized there were still breadcrumbs on Zuko’s face and leaned forward to brush them off. Zuko’s skin was rough on the left side of his face for obvious reasons but something Sokka didn’t expect was for it to be so warm. Instead of pulling away immediately, he slid his hand up, carefully lifting the pins from Zuko’s hair so the topknot and its armor wouldn’t get in the way of his rest. Which was, of course, when he encountered the second thing that he never would have expected—that Zuko’s hair was so fucking soft he didn’t want to pull away when the pins were out.</p><p>Logically, Sokka knew that the palace had a whole spa room and there were probably people who were paid to do nothing but maintain the Fire Lord’s appearance. But knowing him personally, Sokka had never pegged Zuko as one to be concerned about things like that and even having felt his hair earlier, was surprised by just how luscious it was. Instead of walking away immediately after unpinning Zuko’s hair, Sokka slid a hand through it, his gaze turning to the Fire Lord’s soundly sleeping face. He was pretty. Not that <em>Sokka</em> thought he was pretty, or that he didn’t, or that it meant anything at all, but he was definitely pretty. Definitely, very, objectively pretty. Okay, maybe it meant <em>something</em>, but it was probably just that Sokka was feeling more comfortable with his sexuality after coming out for the first time. He wasn’t attracted to <em>Zuko</em>, he was just learning to be more comfortable with his attraction to <em>boys</em>.</p><p>…and Zuko.</p><p><em>Shit</em>, thought Sokka, leaping off the bed and hurrying over to the door. He was <em>not </em>attracted to Zuko. He couldn’t be attracted to Zuko. He was just tired. It was the middle of the night and he hadn’t slept enough, and his brain was doing weird things while he was out of it. It was nothing. It meant nothing. He just needed to go to sleep and by the time he woke up in the morning, his brain would reset, and he’d be back to thinking of Zuko as nothing more than his extremely wealthy, awkward, mentally unstable friend. That in mind, Sokka took one last look to Zuko’s sleeping figure before he slipped out of the door, closing it as quietly as he could as he exited into the hallway. That turned out to be somewhat useless, however, as he must’ve jumped six feet in the air when he took one step out of the room and came face to face with Azula, who was holding a bowl of something in her hands and wearing an irritating smirk on her face.</p><p>“Well, hello there, Mr. Water Tribe,” she said, her tone all too annoying for any time of night. “And what exactly were you doing in my brother’s room at this hour?”</p><p>“None of your business,” Sokka told her defensively, crossing his arms against his chest. “What are <em>you </em>doing wandering around the palace at this hour?”</p><p>“That’s really none of <em>your</em> business either but just so we’re clear, I was getting more snacks for me and Mai. She’s staying the night here and we’re having a private party of sorts like we used to do when we were little girls. Though, we don’t have important meetings in the morning and I also don’t look like I’ve been fucking anyone, so… not that I’m accusing you of fucking my brother, of course, but the state of your hair and clothes <em>is </em>rather suspicious.”</p><p>“I’m not—! Seriously, Azula, no. No. <em>No</em>. I was just making sure he actually ate something, but he was being stubborn, and I fell asleep while we were talking about the Fire Nation’s board of education. Literally all we were doing was talking about politics and shit. I don’t know why you would even <em>think </em>we would be doing anything different.”</p><p>“Uh, because I’m not stupid?” Azula rolled her eyes, chucking a handful of fire flakes at his face. “You especially get flustered as shit whenever he starts talking you up and I don’t remember you doing that for anyone else. Though, not many other people are really interested in bragging about your mediocre skills so that might not be an entirely fair judgment. The point is, you’re way too close for how long you’ve been here. You’re fucking. Or at least mind-fucking.”</p><p>Sokka felt his face flushing once again and nearly snapped something about how clearly, Zuko wasn’t the only one who could make him do that. “Oh, my god, I’m not fucking anyone! And unless there’s something that’s gone <em>way </em>over my head, I’m pretty sure he’s not either. We were just talking politics. That’s it. It’s not the first time we’ve had to stay up late with one of these discussions. Take Zuko up on his offer for more responsibilities and you’ll see.”</p><p>“No, I think I’ll stick to my schedule of doing what I want when I want. I’m perfectly fine only being involved in the things I actually want to be a part of.” She sighed dramatically. “All right, I’ll give. If you say you weren’t fucking Zuzu, I believe you.”</p><p>“Has anyone ever told you that your sarcasm is really annoying?”</p><p>“Has anyone ever said that about yours?”</p><p>They glared at each other for several long seconds before a nearby door opened and Mai poked her head out. She wore an unamused expression on her face, raising one eyebrow as she watched their staring contest. Sokka could see her in his peripheral vision but refused to look right at her, not wanting to let Azula win the stupid challenge they’d gotten themselves into. Eventually, they both broke away when Mai coughed loudly to catch their attention.</p><p>“I’m waiting for my fire flakes,” she said, leaning against the doorway. “Would you stop bickering with Sokka and just come back in here already? I’m bored.”</p><p>“You heard the woman.” Sokka nodded towards Mai, giving Azula his own smug look. She finally started to walk away, but he stopped her before she could go back into her room. “Wait, Azula, can you not say anything to Zuko about this? I know we’re just messing around, but—”</p><p>“But even though he’s gay, he’s grossly homophobic and actually despises himself? Yeah, I know. I’m not going to say anything. Like I told you before, I’m not fucking stupid.”</p><p>Sokka froze when Azula strode into her room, his brow knit as he came to terms with what she said. The whole conversation, all the joking around, even the conversation they’d had the other day—all of it led to the same conclusion that, in spite of her occasionally offensive words, Azula <em>wasn’t </em>homophobic. They grew up with the same family but where Zuko was deeply affected by the things he was taught to the point where he’d almost declared that an entire nation couldn’t have rights, Azula just didn’t care. She didn’t <em>care </em>who people wanted to be with. He didn’t know if that meant anything aside from ‘she can’t be bothered to give a shit about anyone else’, but it was interesting to think about.</p><p>Finally free to go wherever he pleased, Sokka returned to his room and flopped into bed, dragging his blankets over himself. He was too tired to bother getting changed and just curled up into the pillows, closing his eyes before he even sank into the feathery cushions. Unfortunately, relaxing turned out to be far easier than actually sleeping, and his eyes seemed to wake up only minutes after he’d closed them. Not ready to get out of bed but unable to get back to sleep, Sokka tossed and turned for what felt like hours before he finally decided to just get back up. He was wasting his time lying around when he clearly wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep any time soon.</p><p>At first, Sokka intended to go for a walk around the grounds, but it didn’t go the way he hoped. Instead of relaxing, his mind ran around him in circles, thinking about all the things he wasn’t ready to confront, and he ended up far more stressed than he was before. He <em>knew </em>he liked boys, he’d always liked boys, so why did it matter if he thought Zuko was somewhat attractive? It wasn’t as if he <em>liked </em>Zuko, he just thought he had nice hair. And eyes. And a really charming smile. But that didn’t mean he felt anything. At least, he didn’t think he felt anything. It was just raw, aesthetic attraction. That meant nothing. That was nothing he needed to think about. There was nothing he <em>could </em>think about because even if he <em>did </em>like Zuko, it wasn’t as if anything could actually happen because like Azula said, he was grossly homophobic. All that was, in fact, not worth one second of his time to linger on and in a desperate attempt to stop thinking about it, Sokka found himself in the palace training room, punching the shit out of one of the bags.</p><p>He swayed too far to the right and he kept nearly losing his balance but for once, he wasn’t thinking about that. At least, not the part that made him want to throw up. No, he was too busy focusing on his stance and technique, trying desperately to get himself back into working order and to avoid everything else his mind tried to think about. He just focused on what he was doing; shift right, further, less, more, <em>perfect</em>. He punched the bag over and over again, ignoring the stinging in his leg as worked out his frustration over what he honestly thought was nothing at all. What was he even thinking about? Why the hell was he so worked up over nothing? Azula was <em>joking</em>. It was all just a joke and he knew that, and he’d been okay with indulging himself earlier so why did it make him feel like that now? Why was he so afraid to be okay with thinking Zuko was pretty?</p><p>Not ten minutes and what must have been a thousand punches later, Sokka got his answer. It was the same reason he couldn’t confess to what happened with his leg. The same exact reason he refused to tell anyone how bad it got sometimes and how he woke up in a cold sweat from the nightmares more times than he’d care to admit. Because he was <em>terrified </em>that, if anyone found out, he could lose the people who were closest to him. His sister, his dad, his grandmother—Azula meant nothing when she said that Zuko was grossly homophobic, and almost definitely wasn’t trying to say anything about Sokka at all, but it brought up the same fears he’d been harboring his whole life. The fear that his family’s unconditional love for him would expire upon him breaking tradition, confiding in them that he cared for boys in a way that wasn’t openly accepted within the tribe. Even if they said they were okay with it, there was every chance they’d start to shut him out, act awkward around him, avoid him whenever they could. And if word spread to the rest of the tribe, they might not even want him around anymore.</p><p>Sokka threw one more hard punch at the bag before he lost his footing and a particularly sharp pain shot through his leg, causing him to crash down to his knees. By that point he’d been working for what must have been half an hour and instead of getting back up, he hunched over, his head hanging as he took deep, heavy breaths. He was shaking but he was sure it was from the adrenaline, and not the terrifying images he had to shove out of his mind. It was stupid of him to work so hard when he knew he couldn’t do it, when there was no way he could keep going the way he was. His leg was shot. He knew it. It was fucking useless and he’d been trying for <em>years </em>at that point but to no avail. Any pressure on it and he started to panic, but he couldn’t get himself in a way that was good enough to trust that he could balance again. He couldn’t get himself to a point where he could feel that pain and not feel like the world was crashing around him and he was clinging to Toph for her life.</p><p>He felt the hand on his shoulder before he actually heard anything; his own breathing and heartbeat too loud for him to properly register any other sounds. Thankfully, though he looked like an absolute wreck, Sokka knew that it was just sweat and exhaustion and nothing outright embarrassing, so he managed to turn around to see who was standing behind him. He wasn’t exactly surprised to find it was Zuko, but it still seemed odd. He hoped he hadn’t woken him up somehow. It didn’t feel like enough time had passed for him to be awake yet, though he clearly was, and it looked like he was entirely rested. How long had Sokka been beating up that bag for?</p><p>“Hey, you have to breathe. Come on, deep breaths.” Zuko exaggerated his own breaths, and thankfully, Sokka wasn’t too far gone to follow along. Within a few seconds, he’d gotten himself back under control, though Zuko still held onto his shoulder as he sat down beside him. “Are you all right? That was a hell of a fall.”</p><p>Sokka nodded briskly. “Fine. I just lost my footing.”</p><p>“I saw. It’s because you were favoring your left again.” He paused for a long moment, dropping his hands into his lap as he looked Sokka up and down. During the silence, Sokka noticed that Zuko was fully dressed, and realized he’d likely heard the pounding on his way to his first event of the day. “I don’t know if this is an okay question, sorry if it’s not, but have you had anyone look at that? I could be wrong, but the more I’ve seen you train—and even just walk around—the more it seems like you’re deliberately avoiding putting weight on it. That <em>is </em>the leg you broke during the comet, right? Because if something didn’t heal right, I could have my physician take a look at it for you, and…”</p><p>The more Zuko talked, the further Sokka’s mind wandered. Somehow, he’d been so busy freaking out about the awful thoughts that flooded into his head whenever he felt the pain in his leg that he never even stopped to consider that something could be seriously wrong with it. He was so concerned with getting himself to stop thinking about his stupid thoughts that it never even crossed his mind that his leg shouldn’t hurt. That his injury happened and healed long enough ago that aside from maybe a bit of stiffness, he shouldn’t have been feeling it at all anymore.</p><p>This realization, of course, brought in a whole new wave of panic and suddenly, his heavy breathing was no longer just the result of his adrenaline. Even if he got past the shit in his brain, his leg might still be shot. He might <em>never </em>get to be the warrior he wanted to be because he busted his leg and there was no coming back from it. It healed wrong or it didn’t heal or <em>something</em> but Zuko was right. It shouldn’t hurt anymore. His leg shouldn’t hurt anymore and yet he could feel it every damn time he dropped his weight on it. He swallowed hard.</p><p>“Sokka?” Zuko’s tone was concerned, and he reached out to place another hand on Sokka’s shoulder, but he pulled away. “Sokka, are you all right?”</p><p>“I’m <em>fine</em>.” He took a deep breath and slid to face Zuko, leaning away from the bag as he pulled his legs into himself. The pain shot through his leg again when he shifted oddly, and he inhaled sharply in response, ignoring the look of worry in Zuko’s shining eyes. “Like I said, I just tripped. It’s not a big deal, it happens to people all the time.”</p><p>“Okay, but just in case, we should go see my physician.”</p><p>“No!” Sokka scooted back when Zuko reached out to him again, wrapping his arms tightly around his legs as he pulled them even closer to his chest. “I don’t need to see your physician. I’m fine. Seriously. I lost my footing; I didn’t crack my skull open.”</p><p>“You know, I meant what I said last night.” At first, Sokka wasn’t quite sure what he was referring to, but then he went on. “If you ever need to talk about anything—”</p><p>“I don’t.”</p><p>“Does your leg hurt when you put pressure on it?” Zuko’s tone was flat, and it was hard to guess the intent behind his question. In response, Sokka only shrugged, not ready to commit to the truth but not wanting to lie again either. Zuko wasn’t happy with that and sighed, shifting to get more comfortable on the hard floor. “When I was first banished, I was in a shitty way. Not mentally, though I was pretty fucked up mentally, but I was… I was all kinds of fucked up physically. Burns everywhere, and obviously the worst on my face. I was bruised all over too from— from the aftermath, and I twisted my ankle trying to get the fuck out of there. Injuries abound. I ached for weeks. It was awful.”</p><p>Sokka was torn between asking Zuko to elaborate more on what exactly he was referencing and asking what the hell the relevance was, but he didn’t get a chance to so either before Zuko went on; effectively shutting out the former question but explaining the latter.</p><p>“I spent a couple days just lying around after it happened. I was sore as hell and probably dehydrated from all the pathetic crying, but I was thirteen, so it’s— whatever. After about a week of not getting out of bed, my uncle came, and he told me I had to go with him onto shore. I didn’t want to, for a lot of reasons, but he said I didn’t have a choice because I needed to see a physician. I had some first-aid kind of shit on me already, but I didn’t get any <em>real </em>medical attention yet, given the circumstances of my departure. My uncle was so kind about it, and I know all he wanted was to help but I shouted at him. I told him I didn’t want help. I wasn’t going to go anywhere because I didn’t want anyone to look at my injuries. I was scared and I thought it made me weak, but obviously I was wrong.</p><p>“Since I wouldn’t go, Uncle brought the physician to me, and… I cried the entire time. Again, I was thirteen, so you can’t make fun of me, all right? But my uncle held my hand through the whole thing, even when she gave me the bad news. I had a hairline fracture in my ankle, a lot of burns and bruises that needed tending to, a few scratches on my arms and hands that were getting infected, and, you know, this.” He pointed to his scar, biting down on his lip in a way that made Sokka think he was avoiding some of the details surrounding that part of the diagnosis. “I was afraid. I didn’t want help because I was <em>terrified </em>of what they might say about my injuries and their long-term effects on my health. I tried really hard to avoid it, but my uncle knew I needed the help, and he made sure I got it. I’d have been fucked if I didn’t. I remember the physician said to my uncle that if he hadn’t brought her to me, my ankle probably wouldn’t have healed right, and I’d still be limping right now. Not to mention my— yeah. Not to mention it.</p><p>“Anyway, the point is, I’ve been there. I don’t know if I’m really in a place to be forcing you to see my physician, especially since it’s been so long since your injury happened and I don’t know how you’re feeling as well as you do, but if you want to see my physician, I’ll take you over there. I know I’m not my uncle, but you’ve been there for me with all my bad habits and my bullshit for the last month and if you need someone there with you when you confront this, I’ll be there. Unless you don’t want me to be there. That’s fine too. I know I’m not the best company in the world.”</p><p>“Okay.” Sokka couldn’t turn his gaze to look at Zuko for more than a second, but he could feel his friend’s stare sinking into him. He stayed silent for several seconds, not knowing what to say, and eventually decided to try and steer the conversation away from himself. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that.”</p><p>“We all have our baggage.” Zuko shrugged as he stood up, brushing off his robes. “Look, I have to be in a meeting in like, five minutes, but I meant what I said. Seriously. If you need to see my physician, or even just want to check in with her just in case, come get me. She can be a little overbearing sometimes, but she’s really good at what she does. If there’s something wrong with your leg, she’ll know what to do.”</p><p>Sokka nodded, forcing a small smile, but couldn’t bring himself to say anything until Zuko gave his shoulder a squeeze and turned to leave the room. “Zuko, wait.”</p><p>“Yeah?” He quickly spun back to Sokka, his brow raised hopefully.</p><p>“I— I wanted to— thanks. For trying to help. Sorry I’m being such a dick about it.”</p><p>“Oh, god no. You’re fine. It’s just… you’ve been spending all this time taking care of me, and I want to make sure you’re doing that for yourself too. I know I’m going to sound like a fucking hypocrite when I say this, but it’s okay to ask for help. So, if you need, like, <em>anything</em>, you know where to find me. Okay?”</p><p>Sokka only nodded and forced another smile, waiting until he heard the door close before he dropped his head into his knees. Both the gesture and the offer were kind, and he appreciated them, but he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Zuko was right. His injury was old at that point and it was unlikely they would be able to do anything even if they <em>did </em>look at it, so what was the point of stressing himself out with the knowledge? Then again, if there was something they could do for it, if there was a way to stop the pain that had been bothering him for years and triggering his awful memories, then maybe it was worth a shot. Maybe he <em>should </em>talk to Zuko’s physician, just to see if there was something he could use to maybe lessen the pain and stop the scary thoughts.</p><p>But no, he decided. No, he couldn’t do it. Yes, it was a good idea to get his leg checked for any complications from the awful way he’d broken it (one hard, blunt impact and a second which severely aggravated the initial damage, according to his first physician), but he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to go so far as to admit that he needed the help. Plus, it was almost inevitable they would make him test things that would hurt his leg, and then he’d end up panicking and everyone would know that he was still dealing with that shit too.</p><p>Even if he was willing to admit that there was a problem with his leg, since that was completely out of his control and something that people would be far more able to understand, he couldn’t bring himself to say he was still having flashbacks to that stupid comet. To one of the worst days of his entire life. And, if he had to admit to that, then he’d probably have to admit that while that was the most prominent, he sometimes had nightmares about other things that happened during his time with Aang too. He’d have to admit to all the pathetic fears he had because of what they’d gone through when no one else seemed to struggle in the same way. At least, not for as long as he had.</p><p>Knowing he couldn’t just sit around any longer, Sokka forced himself to his feet, audibly gasping when he dropped his weight onto his left leg. It hurt. It hurt like fucking <em>shit </em>and he couldn’t do anything about it because he was too scared. He was too scared of everything at that point and that was why his entire life was on a standstill. He couldn’t tell anyone about his nightmares, he couldn’t tell anyone he was bisexual, and he couldn’t even convince himself to explain himself to Suki and the tribe. Because he hadn’t actually sent his letters yet, of course. He tried. He wrote draft upon draft after they got back from the market, but none of them were good enough, so he stopped and went to dinner. When Zuko wasn’t there, he decided to see what was up, and that spiraled into a whole thing that temporarily got him out of having to finish it. Now, he didn’t know if he could.</p><p>At first, Sokka was okay with being away from home a little longer. Yeah, he got homesick a lot, and he missed the tribe and his life more than anything, but it wasn’t like it was permanent, and in terms of vacation, an extended stay couldn’t hurt. Nothing bad would happen if he was gone for an extra week, especially since he could explain upon his return that something really important came up (“that”, of course, being preventing Zuko from killing himself, though he probably wouldn’t say that exactly), and he had to stick around a bit longer than planned. That wasn’t a big deal. But his trip had gone from a couple of weeks to more than a month and he just <em>knew </em>they hated him. Well, his family wouldn’t hate him—at least, he hoped not, though he honestly found it a little concerning that they didn’t seem to be missing or looking for him yet—but he couldn’t say the same for the rest of the tribe.</p><p>Sokka was almost sure they already looked to him as a weaker leader thanks to his age, though he hardly lacked experience, and it hurt. He needed to tell everyone what happened so he could at least <em>try</em> to win them back, but he didn’t even know how he could explain his absence. What was he supposed to say, “hey guys, sorry I never came back but I decided politics in the Fire Nation are more fun”? Or, “sorry I abandoned you guys but I took a detour to the Fire Nation and it turns out Zuko wanted to kill himself so I stayed to help him and then I realized he’s really nice and funny and hot and I didn’t want to leave”? Neither were exactly sound arguments, and the second one particularly crossed the line considering he was still petrified of anyone back at the tribe knowing he was into guys.</p><p>He dragged himself back to his room, shuffling his feet against the floor until he finally reached his bed and flopped down into his pillows. Sokka laid there on his face for a few seconds, spread out across the entire mattress and just relaxing and sinking into the fluff, but lifted his head when he realized he was starting to drift off. He wasn’t doing anything yet, but he’d committed to being in one of Zuko’s meetings with the Ambassador to the Earth Kingdom that afternoon and he didn’t want to risk sleeping through it, nor missing breakfast. Zuko might have been able to forget to eat anything but Sokka was particularly attached to his meals and did not like to wander on an empty stomach. So, he pulled the wolftail from his hair, letting it flop down around his ears as he prepared to restore it to a presentable state. He grabbed a comb off the bedside table, dragging it through his dull brown locks quickly and lifting a small mirror with his free hand. He stopped the moment he saw his face looking back at him, the comb still stuck in his tangles.</p><p>If those bags beneath his eyes were the same ones that his family was pointing out before he left, he suddenly understood why they pushed him away. It wasn’t the same thing and he knew it, because his current bags were stemming from the fact that he couldn’t have gotten more than two hours of sleep the night before, but it resulted in the same visual impact. The same expression in his gaze which made his whole face look like death. He was tired. He was definitely tired, but he didn’t even know what he was tired of anymore. Obviously, part of his issue right then was that he didn’t get enough sleep, but that wasn’t all of it.</p><p>He was tired of the lying, the stress, the secrets, the fear of never knowing whether he was doing the right thing. At that point, Sokka was torn between wanting desperately to go home and reassure everyone that he hadn’t abandoned them, and not wanting to ever leave the life he’d built in the Fire Nation over the last month. He didn’t know whether Zuko was truly serious about his offer to let Sokka stay in the Fire Nation with a real position, but if he was, Sokka was honestly considering it. There was no part of him that wanted to leave the tribe, and yet, there was no part of him that was ready to go back and face them either.</p><p>There were too many things to be thought about and he couldn’t deal with it anymore. Sokka placed the mirror back onto the table and flopped into his pillows once again, closing his eyes as he took a deep, relaxing breath. A quick nap wouldn’t hurt anyone, right?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter Eighteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Following one of the most distracted meetings of his reign, Zuko became convinced that the reason he couldn’t stop thinking about Sokka was because he felt he owed his friend a debt.</p><p>Regardless of why he’d shown up in the Fire Nation in the first place, Sokka was like a gift sent from the heavens. Zuko was utterly alone when he arrived, and honestly, though he didn’t want to admit it, was just as close to his breaking point as everyone said. He always ignored them when they suggested he was killing himself but there was a truth to it that he couldn’t deny. The reason he passed out a few days before Sokka’s arrival was because he hadn’t eaten in days. He hadn’t slept in days. He literally forgot how to take care of himself and though he was still struggling in a lot of ways, it was thanks to Sokka and Sokka alone that he’d managed to get back onto a schedule that didn’t doom him to a slow, painful, and utterly oblivious death.</p><p>That was something which, no matter what happened, Zuko would never stop being grateful for, and one of the reasons why he felt so compelled to help when he saw Sokka fall that morning. He was on his way to his first meeting of the day when he heard the pounding inside the training room, and when he saw Sokka crash to the floor, he knew something was wrong. It wasn’t a regular fall, but one caused from pain or his leg utterly collapsing on him, not a simple trip like he claimed. Zuko had seen enough falls in his life to know what was tripping and what was crashing and that was <em>definitely</em> crashing. Regardless, Sokka was clearly in pain, and when Zuko made the connection between which leg he was favoring and which leg he’d broken on the airships, he knew he had to do something. So, he offered his physician, and Sokka rejected it. He offered his embarrassing stories, and Sokka rejected them. He offered to talk about anything in the world, and Sokka rejected that too. People thought Zuko was stubborn but damn, Sokka was fucking untouchable.</p><p>Eventually, he ran out of time to spare and had to run off to his meeting—yes, he’d had breakfast, though it was ninety percent tea and ten percent random berries—at which point, his mind was so occupied by thoughts of Sokka’s injury and his own awkward story that he could barely focus on a thing the other people were saying. He asked them to repeat themselves what he thought was an embarrassing amount of times but no one batted an eye, which then made him wonder how often he asked people to repeat themselves on a daily basis, and <em>that</em> made things even more awkward because did everyone know that his hearing was lopsided and they just didn’t say anything out of courtesy? Honestly, he wasn’t sure whether he wanted an answer to the question, so he did his best to move past the issue without making a bigger deal out of it. There was a much larger chance that they didn’t know, and he was just being paranoid, and if that was the case, he had no interest in letting everyone in on the situation. That was and always had been something he kept to himself, and he wasn’t about to go broadcasting it around to the entire nation.</p><p>The meeting took up most of his morning and by the time it was over, Zuko was long past his breaking point in terms of dealing with people. Though he appreciated the title of Fire Lord and the positive changes he was able to make with it, he’d never been great at being around people for extended periods of time and it often got exhausting just sitting with them, even if they weren’t arguing. Because of that, when he finally got out of the room of people, Zuko wanted nothing more than a few minutes to himself before he had to do it all over again. Unfortunately, the universe wasn’t working in his favor, and when he went into the lounge room to lie down, he found that he was not alone. Before he could get out of there and pretend he’d never interrupted, Mai called out to him, instantly assuring him that sneaking away was an impossible feat.</p><p>“Hey,” she said, barely glancing up from the magazine she was flipping through. “You don’t have to look so scared, you know. I’m not here to ream on you, I was just hanging out with Azula. Which, by the way, she’s not budging on the whole therapy thing. I talked to her about letting you figure things out for yourself, but she said that’s not an option. Something about you sticking her in therapy and wanting to get back at you for it? It was disgustingly wholesome in a really bitchy, all the wrong motivations way only she could manage.”</p><p>Zuko groaned and flopped onto the couch beside from the chair Mai was curled up in. “Well, at least she doesn’t really care about me. If that were true, I’d have to actually send her to an institution because that would mean she’s seriously lost her mind.”</p><p>“She does care about you, though. I don’t know what you did to her with all that therapy, but it’s freaky as shit. It’s like she actually gives a damn about things other than herself now. It’s been like six months since we started hanging out again, and it still freaks me out every time she starts getting sentimental like that. Don’t know who that dead therapist lady was but she opened something in Azula that I don’t think even she knew was in there.”</p><p>“Isn’t it scary?” He shifted in his seat, sliding one of the throw pillows behind his head. “The other day I made a comment about Father being a dickhead and she smiled. Like, a real smile about something that didn’t revolve around herself or evil schemes. I’ll be honest, I kind of doubted that therapy would be able to help her all that much but… <em>wow</em>. The difference after a couple years of constant care is just astounding.”</p><p>“I know.” Mai nodded, only glancing in his direction before she spoke again, her tone annoyingly flat. “Kind of makes me wonder what they could do to you.”</p><p>He didn’t skip a beat. “Nothing, probably. You know, since I’m not my sister and I haven’t had a mental breakdown.”</p><p>“No, you’re just seeing how close you can get without actually doing it. I know I haven’t been around to witness any of your actual panic attacks, but there are days when it seems like you never stop shaking. If you didn’t need therapy, that wouldn’t be happening. It’s not like it’s anything to be ashamed of, everyone knows you’ve had a shit life. It only makes sense you’d have some things you need to work through.”</p><p>“I don’t. I’m over that. I don’t care anymore.”</p><p>“You haven’t stepped foot in the war room since your coronation,” said Mai, finally tossing her magazine onto the table in the middle of their seats. “I’d say it’s because there’s no more war but given you’ve moved multiple relevant meetings to different rooms <em>and</em> blocked off the Agni Kai chamber, I’m more inclined to guess that you’re traumatized by what happened in those places and you never want to sit in them again. Right? Tell me I’m wrong.”</p><p>He couldn’t. After his coronation, one of the first things Zuko did was close off those two rooms. They weren’t impossible to enter, but the doors were blocked by ropes and he’d moved every meeting that would’ve taken place in the war room, therefore rendering it useless. Zuko refused to explain why he did that, but the truth was, he couldn’t bring himself to go back into either room. He had zero interest in ever holding a meeting in the war chamber, and even the <em>idea</em> of returning to the Agni Kai chamber, the setting of the worst day of his entire life, made him sick. At first, people questioned why he wouldn’t use the war room and blocked off the chamber-that-must-not-be-named, but Zuko shut down their inquiries so many times that they gave up trying. He wasn’t going to talk, no matter how much they asked about it, and he was never going to change his mind. He couldn’t.</p><p>“I’m not <em>traumatized</em>,” Zuko argued, his tone far too defensive. The way he snapped gave away that he was lying, and he only hoped it would go over Mai’s head. “I could reopen those rooms anytime I wanted to, but I don’t. They’re notable for all the wrong reasons and if I don’t want them open, it’s not because of trauma. It’s just that we have other rooms we can use for relevant meetings and I’m not exactly eager to be having more Agni Kais any time soon, so there’s no use for them.”</p><p>“Okay, prove it.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“If you’re totally okay with reopening those rooms, then let’s go do it.” Mai swung her legs over the edge of the chair and rose to her feet, a dead serious look on her face. “We’ll go take down the ropes you put over the war room and on our way back we’ll take a quick stroll through the Agni Kai chamber.”</p><p>“Why?” asked Zuko, his heart already beating faster. “Why would we do that?”</p><p>“So you can prove to me that you’re not scared to go back into those rooms. There’s not a bone in my body that thinks you’re telling the truth and if you really want to convince me that you’re serious, then prove to me that you can reopen and walk into those rooms without freaking out. If you can do that, then I’ll quit bothering you about the therapy shit. Can’t make any promises about Azula but I’ll get off your back, no questions asked. Deal?”</p><p>He hesitated, genuinely unsure as to whether he would be able to follow through even if he wanted to. It was only because he wasn’t a coward and refused to buckle beneath the weight of his fear that he managed to utter out the word, “Deal.”</p><p>They headed out into the hall, Mai leading the way and Zuko lagging behind her as he wasn’t quite ready to face where they were going. She slowed her stride to allow him to catch up, a vaguely concerned expression in her eyes. She said nothing, however, simply leading him to the first room he’d been doing his damnedest to avoid. Zuko’s heart raced faster and faster as they made their way through the corridors, edging ever closer to the place where he’d caused not only <em>his</em> downfall, but nearly the downfall of the entire Earth Kingdom. He’d been told before that he shouldn’t blame himself for that—several times over actually, by his uncle after he confided in him what happened during Iroh’s time in prison—but he couldn’t stop himself from doing it either. He knew his father was an abuser. He knew it wasn’t his fault. But on bad days, something in the back of his mind kept saying that it was. That <em>he </em>spoke out of turn and gave his father cause to harm him. <em>He </em>inspired Azula and his father and nearly caused another genocide.</p><p>In spite of all that and the fact that his breath was getting short, Zuko refused to quit. He took a deep breath to steady himself, ignoring Mai’s side-eye as he kept his head held high. No matter how much he didn’t want to go into either of those rooms, he wasn’t going to let Mai win and wanted to prove that he could do it. He could get over his fears for long enough to make his point and get her to stop with the therapy bullshit. Though his mind was arguing that he needed to get away, to give up and not return to the sites of his worst memories, Zuko forced it to shut up. It wasn’t like he was going to spend any time in the rooms, he just had to walk in and prove that he was able to stand inside of them without freaking out. That would be easy, right? He could do that. He could stand in a room for a few seconds and throw a smug smile Mai’s way as he proved that he wasn’t a complete failure at life.</p><p>As per the plan, they went to the war room first, at which point Zuko had to take control of his own breathing to avoid passing out. His hands were shaking badly, but he said nothing about it and hoped that Mai wouldn’t notice. The velvet rope across the door wasn’t fastened too tightly, just hanging there to let people know that the room was technically off limits. Zuko was above those rules, however, having been the one who put them in place. He swallowed hard, sending a look Mai’s way before he unlatched the rope and pushed the door open, heading into the war chamber. He bit down hard on his lip, his feet shuffling across the ground as he moved into the large, cold room. It had gone untouched for ages at that point and there was dust abound, but he managed to walk inside without falling apart. It was fine. He did some stupid things in there, but it wasn’t a big deal. He was over it. Mai looked to him, her brow raised as if expecting something to happen, but he didn’t let it.</p><p>“See?” he said, struggling to keep his voice level. “It’s just a room.”</p><p>Mai nodded, though the look on her face said she was far from convinced. She gestured towards the door, not bothering to say anything as they headed back out of the war room, Zuko carefully replacing the rope after they exited. Just because he’d gone inside didn’t mean he wanted it open again, especially since leaving the rope off might lead others to believe that he was allowing meetings to take place in there. He used the excuse when Mai gave him a look, claiming that he’d locked it up again because he didn’t want his staff to think they needed to clean in there when he had no intention of returning, not because just standing inside the room made him feel so anxious he thought he might throw up. The further they got from the room, however, his stomach started to settle, and he felt a little more confident that he would be able to go into the Agni Kai chamber without freaking out. If he could successfully do that, then the only other thing he needed to do was find a way to get Azula to leave him alone.</p><p>Unfortunately, it turned out his calming nerves were only temporary and the closer they got to the Agni Kai chamber, the harder it became to breathe. He told himself again and again that he was fine, that nothing was happening, and he was just going to stand in the room for maybe thirty seconds to prove that he could. He didn’t have to do anything, he didn’t have to fight anyone, he didn’t even have to stick around. He just needed to prove to Mai that he was capable of going in there so that she would stop trying to get him to go to therapy when he was clearly fine. Just because he was stressed from the pressure of being the Fire Lord didn’t mean he needed some kind of extensive treatment like Azula.</p><p>The pounding in his chest continued to get worse and worse and by the time they were standing outside the Agni Kai chamber, Zuko was shaking so badly that he thought he might fall over. He managed to keep himself steady enough to push forward, but this time he was aware that he was so anxious, Mai could see it. She said something about how he didn’t have to go through with it if it was too hard, but he shook his head. He didn’t come this far to quit. He placed his hand onto the door, taking a long, deep breath before he unlatched the velvet rope across it and allowed it to be opened, pushing very slowly on the surface to delay the inevitable. After it was finally open, Zuko glanced back to where Mai was standing behind him, an almost guilty expression on her face, and stepped forward into the room; ignoring her when she started to tell him he didn’t have to go through with it.</p><p>He barely laid eyes on the place he’d been burned before he snapped his lids shut, unable to look any longer. He took a deep breath, repeating to himself that it was okay, that he was fine, but then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and it was too much. Zuko ripped away from Mai, his breathing becoming fast and shallow as he stumbled back into the stage in a frenzy. He was shaking like shit and fell to the floor as soon as he ran back into it, almost hyperventilating as he squeezed his eyes shut even tighter to block out the world. His head was pounding, his stomach churned, and his face felt like it was on fire all over again as his chest rose and fell so heavily it hurt. He let out an awful whimper that he wanted to destroy, knowing it made him appear weak, but he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t <em>breathe</em>. Again, he felt a hand on him, this time on his knee. He didn’t move right away, but as soon as a second hand slid onto his face, he lurched back.</p><p>“No, please!” Zuko rolled out of the way, dragging his legs into his chest, and throwing his arms over his face to protect himself. There was a small part of him that knew he was being irrational, but he couldn’t stop himself. He swallowed his sobs as he choked out his next words, his entire body shaking in fear as he did his best not to slip up when he spoke. “I’m sorry. Please, don’t hurt me. <em>Please</em>. I’ll never do it again. I’m sorry, Father. I’m so sorry. Please, don’t hurt me. Please.”</p><p>This time, he didn’t freak out when he felt the hands on him because, instead of simply touching, they wrapped around him in a warm embrace. It was slightly awkward but caring, one hand sliding around the back of his head as long nails dragged through his hair comfortingly. The other hand stayed around his waist, holding him tightly as he was eased onto her shoulder. He could feel his tears soaking into her dress, but he couldn’t acknowledge it. He couldn’t do anything but mumble apologies, pleading and begging for his Father to leave him alone.</p><p>He didn’t mean for this to happen. He was sad and scared and he didn’t want to fight his father. He was just a kid and he wanted to get away, but he was stuck on his knees, a burning hand on his face as he cried and begged for mercy. Zuko let out a quiet sob as he gave up on attempting to breathe, choking on his own, unnecessary words. He apologized over and over as if it would make some kind of difference, unable to stop himself even as he became more aware that he was being cradled in Mai’s arms and not crushed by his father’s.</p><p>“You’re all right, Zuko,” she said quietly, her tone still rather flat but the words kind and reassuring. “Your father isn’t here. He’s not going to hurt you. I’m sorry I made you do this; I didn’t think it would be so bad. I just thought you’d start shaking a little and I’d be able to make my point, not… <em>shit</em>.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Zuko mumbled into her shoulder, his breathing still uneven and his arms hanging limp against his chest as his fingers shook with fear. Mai continued to drag her fingers though his hair and he felt himself coming back to reality, but it still wasn’t enough to stop his mouth from running without him. The only bit of control he had left was the part of him which knew he needed to pay attention to what he said, to make sure he didn’t stumble and make things worse. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me. Please. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay. There’s no one else here. You’re safe.”</p><p>He inhaled sharply, his slow voice cracking as he spoke. “I’m sorry I was wrong. I thought I could do it. I thought I— I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would be this bad. I’m sorry. Please. Please don’t tell anyone. Please. They can’t know. They can’t. I can’t let them know. <em>Please</em>.”</p><p>“Seriously, Zuko, you’re okay.” Mai stopped moving her fingers, holding him tightly against her shoulder. “I’m not going to tell anyone, no one is mad at you, and no one is going to hurt you. <em>I’m</em> the one who should be sorry, I didn’t realize how bad it was. Just take some deep breaths, all right? You’re freaking me out.”</p><p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m thorry. Fuck, I’m <em>sorry</em>.”</p><p>“For the love of god, stop apologizing. You’re okay. You’re fine. Just take a deep breath, all right? I’m the bitch who made you do this. Just stop crying and be mad at me. Yell at me or get angry or something. Just do something that Zuko would do. Not—Not this. <em>Fuck</em>. You just have to breathe okay? Breathe with me.”</p><p>“Thith ith why you broke up with me, ithn’t it?” Zuko’s voice was muffled in her shoulder and he didn’t even know why he was asking but he couldn’t stop himself. He was shaking so bad that it hurt and all he wanted was for it to stop. He wanted his head to stop throbbing and his stomach to settle but his chest burned, and his throat burned, and it wouldn’t stop. “It’th not becauthe you were worried, it’th becauthe I’m a fucked-up pain in the ath and I’m not worth your time.”</p><p>“I didn’t break up with you because you’re sick, you idiot.” Despite her slighted tone, Mai pulled him in a little closer, her own body beginning to shake as the stress of the situation caught up with her. “I broke up with you because you’re gay. I’m not leaving you, you’re still my friend, I just don’t know how to help you. I want to help but I don’t know what you need. I don’t even know how to deal with my own emotions, let alone help you figure out yours.”</p><p>“I’m not— I don’t—” And just like that, his brain reverted back to its state of defense. Even in such distress, he couldn’t say it. Not even in the negative. He swallowed hard before he spoke, knowing that if he messed up on his words, it would make things even worse. “I don’t like boys. I don’t. I swear, I’m not— I don’t like boys. I promise. Please don’t be mad at me. I don’t like boys. I don’t. I wouldn’t. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s wrong. I’m sorry. I know it’s wrong.”</p><p>“Zuko, <em>stop</em>. It’s not wrong, you’re fine. I wasn’t— I’m not trying to judge you and I’m <em>definitely </em>not going to be mad or hurt you, I just… I’ve known for a while, okay? And I know you have problems with it, but I couldn’t be the person you were hiding from yourself with. Not just because it wasn’t fair to me but because it wasn’t fair to <em>you</em>. I’m not mad at you. I’m not. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t break up with you because of your mental health.”</p><p>His words were split between begging and sobbing, his breathing so shallow he could barely choke them out. “<em>I don’t like boyth</em>.”</p><p>“Okay. Okay, that’s fine. Fuck your fucking piece of shit dad, but you’re okay. You’re fine. I believe you.” Honestly, her tone didn’t sound convinced, but Zuko wasn’t in a state where he was able to process anything beyond the surface of her words. “I care about you and I’ll still care about you either way, you just need to relax, all right? Just relax. Deep breaths. Take deep breaths. You’re safe.”</p><p>“No. He—He <em>maimed </em>me over there and now you’re going to— you’re going to yell at me and leave me and you’re going to tell everyone I’m gay and I’m <em>not</em>. I don’t like boyth. I don’t. I wouldn’t. I know it’th wrong. Pleathe don’t hurt me, <em>pleathe</em>. I don’t want it. I want it to go away. Pleathe. Pleathe don’t tell anyone. I jutht want it to thtop. I want all of it to thtop. Pleathe. I can’t do thith anymore. I can’t. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it anymore.”</p><p>That time, instead of saying anything else, Mai just moved her hand from Zuko’s head to around his shoulders and pulled him in even closer. He kept his face buried in her shoulder, sobbing like a pathetic fucking baby as he pulled his hands into fists, the jolt from his burning fingertips pulling him back into reality. He was pathetic. This whole thing was supposed to be about him proving that he was strong enough to face his fears, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even face the smallest of them without having a panic attack. And he didn’t even <em>know </em>what he was saying in regard to the allegation that he was gay—he wasn’t, he knew that, and he didn’t know why Mai thought he was but he couldn’t deal with it and he couldn’t cope with the accusation when he was already freaking out about his father having maimed him right there in that room.</p><p>“All right, listen. Zuko. Hey. Listen to me.” Mai slid her hands onto either side of Zuko’s tear-streaked face, her nails tickling his cheeks as he struggled to meet her intense gaze. Finally, he managed to look at her, biting down on his trembling lip as she gently stroked his hair. “Your father is a pathetic piece of rotten fucking shit. What he did to you in here? Unacceptable. Whatever he taught you about being gay? Bullshit. He was an abuser. You don’t listen to one thing he says, you got it? He’s a fucking asshole and regardless of what you <em>think</em> you need to believe, you don’t listen to one goddamn word he ever said to you. Okay? You shouldn’t be afraid of people hurting you over nothing or apologizing when you didn’t even do anything. And I know you said you don’t like boys but if you did, it would be okay. It’s fine. Ozai is a bastard and everything he told you was wrong. I know you still struggle when it comes to people appreciating you, but I care about you, Zuko. We all do, and we’re not going to leave you for any stupid reason like your asshole failure of a father. Okay? Are you okay?”</p><p>Zuko nodded as Mai lifted her thumbs to brush away the tears that were streaming down his cheeks. “I’m thuppothed to be in a meeting.”</p><p>“When?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I don’t know what time it ith. Now? I only— I only had a few minuteth for a break.” He swallowed hard, letting out a shallow, shaking breath. “I don’t want to talk to them. I feel like— I feel like I’m going to be thick.”</p><p>“Okay, come on.” Mai rose to her feet, extending a hand to help Zuko to his. He took it, dodging her gaze when she shot him a concerned look in response to his badly shaking fingers. “Let’s go wash your face off and then you can go to your meeting. Who are you meeting with? Is Sokka there?”</p><p>“Mm.” He nodded again, more hesitantly this time.</p><p>“All right, he’s probably taking care of your politicians right now, then. Let’s just get you some water before you go over there and then if you get anxious you can hold his hand, okay? Azula told me you’ve been doing that a lot when you get stressed. It helps, doesn’t it?”</p><p>“Yeah. He hath really thoft handth.”</p><p>A look crossed Mai’s face but it was hard to tell exactly what it was. She said nothing more as she wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close to her as they walked out of the Agni Kai chamber, locking the door tightly behind them. They passed a few people on their way to the restroom but Mai got rid of them all quickly, flipping off everyone who dared to look at them for more than a second. Normally, Zuko would have told her off, said not to bully his staff like that when it only made sense they would want to see what was happening to their Fire Lord, but he lacked the energy that day. He lost. He thought he could prove to her that he was stronger than he was, but he wasn’t. He couldn’t even stand in the Agni Kai chamber without panicking and apparently, that was where he was at now. Failing. He was a failure at <em>everything, </em>and this was just one more notch on the belt.</p><p>When they finally reached the sink, Mai helped Zuko calm down and make himself presentable for his meeting. A large part of him wanted to argue with her, to tell her he could take care of himself, but an even larger part reminded him that Mai rarely acted like she cared and taking this moment away from her wasn’t fair. If she really did care about and want to help him, then shouting at her when she was trying to do that wasn’t okay. So, he held his tongue and let her comb his hair into place, nodding along as she double checked that there were no tear stains left on his cheeks before they went back out into the hall.</p><p>Mai walked him all the way to his meeting, only leaving him at the door after she double- and triple-checked that he was okay. She almost seemed afraid that he would be mad at her for what happened, but he wasn’t, and he told her that before she left. They were both trying to make opposing points, and she won. He couldn’t be mad at her for that. He couldn’t be mad at her for helping when he was in such an awful place.</p><p>But he could be mad at <em>himself </em>for the fact that he made it to that place.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter Nineteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There were several reasons why Sokka being late to the meeting was a disaster, but the biggest was that Zuko wasn’t there either.</p><p>They were meant to be meeting with the Earth Kingdom to discuss the plans to uproot the Fire Nation colonies again. It was easily one of the most important projects Zuko was working on and some of the most important people he’d been in contact with. And yet, when Sokka walked in twenty minutes late, stumbling over himself and hurrying to his seat, he was nowhere to be seen. The Earth Kingdom guys were pissed. Very pissed. Sokka had no decent excuse for why he was late (unless admitting to his midday nap was suddenly a good idea), and no explanation for why Zuko wasn’t there either.</p><p>Regardless of how awkward it was, Sokka was forced to take matters into his own hands and started the meeting as the Fire Lord’s representative. The people from the Earth Kingdom were not exactly thrilled, which was understandable considering they were expecting the Fire Lord and what they got was a ridiculously uncomfortable stranger from the Water Tribe. On the bright side, however, they did seem to like his ideas and treated him as an intelligent mind rather than a stupid kid as he was worried about. He stumbled a few times as he went through the spontaneous presentation, but he answered questions very efficiently and ultimately believed he’d gotten his point across well.</p><p>It was around half an hour after Sokka had opted to start the presentation when Zuko finally strode into the room. Sokka could see Mai in the hall before Zuko closed the door and at first, he’d hoped they were just hanging out and he lost track of time. Then he noticed Zuko’s vaguely bloodshot eyes and started to wonder if it was worse than that. Of course, given his own lack of sleep, there was every chance Zuko was only tired as well and Sokka hoped that was it. After all, he was speaking fine and stood tall and royal, apologizing profusely for his tardiness and letting the Earth Kingdom people know that Sokka was his first man on the planning team for the relocation efforts, so there was no one better they could’ve been left with. Thankfully, the other politicians all seemed to accept Zuko’s explanation that something came up and he’d been busy dealing with it, and allowed Sokka to get on with his presentation, no questions asked.</p><p>Everything went well up until Sokka finished his presentation, at which point they had to discuss what they actually thought of it. Sokka was fine answering questions and did most of the talking, until they started addressing those questions to Zuko. Suddenly, the Fire Lord’s eyes held the same look of severe discomfort he got whenever he began to get anxious. He babbled for a few minutes, doing his best to answer the questions with what sounded like a hoarse voice, but at a certain point, his face became overwhelmed and the strangest thing happened.</p><p>Instead of Sokka reaching out to Zuko to steady him, Zuko reached out to Sokka. His hand slid under the table subtly, his shaking fingers wrapping around Sokka’s tightly and almost pleadingly as he tried to get Sokka to hold back. He did so without question (though Zuko’s obviously burned palm was very much cause for concern, and it took everything in his power to stop himself from asking if he was okay right there and then), not letting go until the meeting was over and everyone else was gone. Only then did Zuko finally relax and pull away from him, letting out a deep breath after the last person vanished out the doorway. They didn’t leave the meeting room right away, just sitting at the table in silence; Zuko with his eyes closed and rubbing his temples as if he had a headache, and Sokka watching him with concern.</p><p>“Hey, you all right, Jerk Lord?” asked Sokka, a small frown turning his lips.</p><p>Zuko nodded. “Mm, I’m okay. Sorry I was late, leaving you on your own was a dick move.”</p><p>“It’s fine, I had it all under control.” Except that he was twenty minutes late, but it didn’t seem like something Zuko needed to know. Not when he was already so stressed. “I don’t think those guys were too pleased to have me talking to them instead of the Fire Lord, but you know. The sentiment was there, and I think I managed to sway them in our direction. Of course, your sweet talking was great too. You have a really royal way of speaking in these things.”</p><p>“Yeah, growing up a prince will do that to you. Is your leg okay?”</p><p>Somehow, Sokka had completely forgotten what happened that morning and it took him a moment to realize what Zuko was talking about before he could form a coherent answer. “Oh, yeah. Yep. I just tripped, like I said. It hurt for a bit, but I think the worst of it has passed. Just the initial impact gave me a little shock.”</p><p>“Okay.” Zuko sighed and leaned back, twisting his fingers around each other. “I know you’re lying, and I want to talk to you about that later, but I don’t have the energy to argue with you right now. Hey, do you want to get out of the palace for a bit? There’s something I’ve been wanting to show you.”</p><p>“Uh, sure. I thought you had another meeting after this, though?”</p><p>“No. I have a lot of paperwork to do, but no more meetings until tomorrow. I’ll just bring the stuff with us. Come on.”</p><p>Sokka followed Zuko back to his room, waiting in the hall while Zuko retrieved his bag of paperwork. It was slung over his shoulder when he stepped out of the doorway, his robes replaced by more casual wear. They headed out of the palace, Zuko declining the offer of a ride by servants as they slid out the gates, turning in a different direction from the last time they left. Sokka realized suddenly that he really had no idea where anything was in the capital. Yes, he remembered the layout very well thanks to the Day of Black Sun, but he didn’t know what was in most of the buildings, and he couldn’t remember wandering far from the market before. Zuko, however, was fully confident in the direction he was walking off to one side of the market, going down a street of buildings Sokka didn’t think he’d ever seen.</p><p>They continued down the road for a few minutes, Zuko oddly quiet as he messed with his hair and bit down on his lip, as if something were bothering him, though it was hard to tell what. Eventually, they came to a stop in front of a larger, older building, which wasn’t labeled. Quite honestly, Sokka had no clue what they were going into until Zuko pulled the door open and his eyes went wide, stunned by the sight in front of him.</p><p>It was a library, a magnificent one. There were books everywhere, incredible old decor, and so many scrolls Sokka couldn’t even count. His jaw nearly hit the floor as he stared around at the dark wooden bookcases, not even knowing where to start. His eyes darted around the entire building in awe, wanting more than anything to sink his teeth into the incredible catalog of reading in front of him. He ended up turning to Zuko, eyes still wide, and couldn’t help but laugh when he saw the small smile on the Fire Lord’s face.</p><p>“What?” he asked, his voice filled with chuckles.</p><p>“Nothing,” Zuko assured him, biting down on the corner of his lip in that impossibly adorable way he always did. “I just knew you were going to like it, that’s all.”</p><p>“Yeah, I like it! It’s even bigger than the library back at the palace.”</p><p>“Well, actually, most of this <em>is </em>the library from the palace. I kept the important stuff, obviously, but I donated most of the books we had. No one ever read them, and I thought the people would appreciate them a lot more than I did, so…”</p><p>Sokka couldn’t stop himself. He threw his arms out and wrapped them around Zuko’s neck, the smile still stuck on his face. “Thank you, seriously. This is awesome. I don’t even know where to start.”</p><p>“Wherever.” Zuko shrugged, awkwardly returning his embrace. “I’m going to sit down and start working through all this shit, but you enjoy yourself. I’ll just be over here if you need anything. Not that I think you will with years’ worth of reading in here.”</p><p>As it turned out, he did not. There was so much to look at that he didn’t even start reading anything until they’d already been in there for at least an hour, because he wanted to keep looking around just to see what was actually in there. It was amazing just how many books, scrolls, and things of the sort were in there for them to look at. The librarian kept giving Sokka dirty looks when he squealed at finding something particularly special, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. The selection was incredible and if he wanted to gawk at it, he would do that. If other people were allowed to gawk at his friend—who he didn’t bother much, but frequently checked up on to make sure his fans weren’t being too bothersome—then he was allowed to gawk at the books. There was so much knowledge in there, not just about the Fire Nation but about the Earth Kingdom, the Water Tribe, and even the Air Nomads. Sokka wanted to read about everything and ended up grabbing all kinds of books and carrying them back over to where Zuko was sitting on a couch near one of the windows.</p><p>When he flopped onto the couch, Zuko looked up as if expecting to see someone else there but breathed out a sigh of relief when he saw it was just Sokka. He didn’t say anything, only giving a knowing look to the pile of books that Sokka had brought back with him. Sokka smiled sheepishly, shrugging as he got to work on the first of his reading. He’d ended up in the weapons section, of course, and decided to read up on the history of weaponry in the Fire Nation. It was all fascinating, especially the parts about swords and how they were crafted over the centuries, and he read through the entire book in just over an hour. At that point, he moved onto something about non-bending combat styles from around the world, which was what he was reading when Zuko slid over to his side of the couch, asking for his input on something to do with one of the colonies.</p><p>They resolved it within a few minutes but Zuko didn’t go back to his seat. Sokka wasn’t really sure why, but he didn’t ask either. Just kept at his reading while Zuko sat beside him, their knees almost hitting as he read his book and Zuko kept writing down this and that on his documents. Occasionally, someone stopped by and said “hi” to Zuko, but no one stuck around for long. Sokka went through another two books, and was particularly interested in what he was reading about a couple hours later, which was why he didn’t notice that Zuko had stopped his repetitive writing until his head was already on Sokka’s shoulder. For a split second, Sokka wanted to ask what the hell Zuko was doing—not because he didn’t think it was okay but because that bit of closeness was the nicest fucking thing in the world—but he stopped when he looked over and saw that Zuko was completely asleep. Sokka smiled softly, moving the papers from Zuko’s lap and glancing around the now-empty library before he wrapped an arm around the sleeping boy’s shoulders, pulling him in closer to his chest.</p><p>His hair was still soft. His skin was soft too, where it wasn’t scarred. Sokka stared at him for a moment in silence, admiring his quietly sleeping figure, then snaked his arm around a little further and placed his hand on top of Zuko’s, which was somewhat covered in ink. He just chuckled at that, nearly turning back to his book before he remembered the burns he’d felt on Zuko’s palm before, and gently turned his hand over to see what happened.</p><p>Though he was pretty much expecting it, Sokka’s heart still dropped when he saw the finger-shaped burns right on the lines of his hand, as if he’d set his fingertips alight while making a fist. Sokka sighed but decided not to focus on it right then, knowing there was nothing he could do about it while Zuko was asleep. He left one hand on top of the Fire Lord’s allowing him to sleep on his chest despite it being a tad awkward. Zuko worked hard and he deserved a bit of rest, even if this wasn’t the prime place to get it. No one else was around anymore anyway, since it was getting pretty late, so Sokka thought it would be okay. Besides, there was no part of him that minded having a pretty boy take a nap on him.</p><p><em>But there should be</em>, he thought instantly. Because regardless of whether he was comfortable with being bisexual (which he was, mostly, it was just the coming out part that he wasn’t doing so well with), he couldn’t be attracted to Zuko. He could not think that Zuko was pretty. Yes, he’d had <em>numerous </em>thoughts over the last week or two about how he was pretty and cute and maybe even a few about how he was stupidly hot, but it didn’t mean anything. It <em>couldn’t</em> mean anything. As far as he was aware, Zuko didn’t like guys and was actually pretty homophobic when it came to himself. That was what it sounded like based on his conversations with Azula, at least.</p><p>So, all that considered, Sokka couldn’t like Zuko. He didn’t. Not romantically, at least. He just thought that he was a really great friend, and an even better leader. He was nice company, and he was sweet and funny and even though he struggled a lot, Sokka didn’t mind at all. He just wanted to help. He wanted to be there for Zuko, and make sure that he was eating enough. And maybe hug him when he was scared or upset. Or hold his hand when he got anxious and bring him tea when he had to work late. He also wouldn’t mind letting him take more naps on his chest, and running his hands through his soft hair, and kissing his forehead when he fell asleep, and—</p><p><em>Oh, shit</em>, thought Sokka. <em>I like Zuko</em>.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>He didn’t necessarily mean to start avoiding Zuko after his realization, it just sort of happened.</p><p>Sokka had a small panic after he finally accepted the fact that yes, he<em> did </em>have a thing for Zuko, and after they got back to the palace, he went straight into his room and flopped face first onto the pillows. He began to suffocate after a few minutes and temporarily wondered whether he should actually move, because dying right then and there would be easier than dying of embarrassment later on were someone to find out that he had a crush on the literal fucking Fire Lord. However, he did come to his senses and roll back over after acknowledging that if he died lying face down in a bunch of pillows, that would be pretty embarrassing too. At least if he died being embarrassed about having a crush on Zuko, everyone would understand<em> why</em> he was dead, rather than him just being dead in the stupidest way ever. Okay, maybe the second stupidest way ever, because dying from embarrassment due to the fact that he had a crush on the <em>fucking Fire Lord </em>would still be stupider, even if they did understand why it killed him.</p><p>When he finally managed to get over the fact that totally had a thing for Zuko and was probably going to die of embarrassment sometime in the next few weeks, Sokka flopped out of bed; wincing when he shifted his weight onto his leg. His fall might have been worse than he’d thought, but he doubted it was anything too bad, so he opted to ignore it. It only stung a little when he walked, and he was far too busy thinking about the fact that <em>he liked Zuko </em>to be concerned about what was happening with his leg. And <em>that</em> was when he started avoiding Zuko, because when he put all his focus into that part of his brain, he realized he couldn’t even be around him without smiling and it was getting to a point where he <em>had </em>to be obvious about the fact that he had a big, fat crush on the Fire Lord and even if Zuko was notoriously oblivious, someone else was going to catch on and he’d be totally busted.</p><p>So, Sokka did the only thing he could and tried to dodge Zuko whenever it was possible. Not all the time, just when he started feeling the butterflies in his stomach or the flushing in his cheeks. He figured if he got away from Zuko for a few days, he’d be able to get rid of his crush and they could get back to business as usual. Except it didn’t quite happen like that. A week passed of him actively avoiding Zuko whenever it was possible and he found that, if anything, his stupid feelings were getting even<em> stronger</em> because instead of only feeling feelings when he was actually around Zuko, he was feeling feelings all the time because he wanted to be with Zuko and he wasn’t. He wanted to be with the boy he became best friends with and suddenly really, <em>really </em>liked and he wasn’t because he was too fucking afraid of someone figuring out that he had a crush on the Fire Lord. It shouldn’t have been as embarrassing as it was, but so many girls had thrown themselves at him since Sokka had been there that he just felt like one of Zuko’s lovestruck fans and it was honestly humiliating.</p><p>Though he wanted to confront his feelings and knew that he should, Sokka decided that it was better to ignore them and did whatever he could to distract himself from them. He buried himself in books in the library, but his mind was all over the place. For one thing, he was acutely aware of how much his fingers were tapping and for another, he couldn’t fucking focus on a word he read and had to keep reading and rereading over and over to the point that he wanted to rip his own hair out. Because of that, he decided that reading was no longer an option and tried walking around, but that was no good either because his thoughts were still everywhere so he tried to work, only to run into the same problem he’d had at home. He couldn’t organize anything, and it stressed the shit out of him, so he decided he had to get out of his room and somehow found himself back in the training room where he discovered that his leg was, in fact, officially shot.</p><p>He went slow at first, just seeing what he could do, but found that if he let too much weight go onto his left leg, it wasn’t just the thoughts that attacked him anymore. They were overshadowed by the searing pain that he got in the back of his calf, burning as if someone were dragging a knife down it. Sokka wasn’t about to quit, however, and kept trying every day for the rest of that week, but it didn’t work. The pain wouldn’t subside. It kept getting worse rather than better, and he didn’t know if he could continue on the way he was, especially when he went back to the tribe. He could hang around the Fire Nation with one good leg since he was basically just sitting around, but he couldn’t do the hard labor that the tribe required without both his feet. This fear of not being able to do his job was heavy, and it almost pushed him to take Zuko up on his offer to see the physician.</p><p><em>Almost</em>.</p><p>Sokka couldn’t bring himself to go to the physician. Not because he didn’t want the help, but because it felt so <em>final</em>. Acknowledging that he was in pain was one thing but going in and facing the fact that he could be dealing with permanent damage was almost too much to think about. Up to that point, he’d been so sure that he would be able to work through all his issues. He could get past his bad habits and find a way to rid himself of the nightmares and then everything would be okay. But if his leg was still broken, if there was permanent damage where his bones had been fractured and the muscles had been pulled, then there was nothing he could do about it.</p><p>He was stuck in a terrible limbo where his only way to get out was either commit himself to a life of pain and not knowing or risk finding out that returning to his duties at the Southern Water Tribe wasn’t even an option. That he was destined to never fight again and live out his life half-limping. A tiny piece of him felt bad for thinking that would be such a terrible thing, having known many men who were injured in battle, but he had to give himself a bit of leeway. After all, he was far younger than the others from the tribe who’d been injured. They were settled and adjusted into their lives and he was still yet to accomplish anything of note outside of the war. He had so much going for him and he was about to lose it all over his stupid fucking leg.</p><p>Somehow, making the decision was the hardest part even though he knew it shouldn’t have been. After his last attempt to train through the pain, Sokka spent the entire rest of the day and night pacing around his room, unable to fall asleep for more than minutes at a time as he tried to figure out what to do. He made a list to weigh his pros and cons, tapped his hand against his leg so many times he thought he bruised it, and eventually decided that there was no way he could see the physician. Yes, it was probably a good idea to get himself checked out just to make sure there wasn’t anything too serious going on—best case, he’d just avoided putting weight on it for so long that he’d weakened his muscles or something else—but he couldn’t do it. He almost wanted to, so he could find out if there was any way he could make it feel better, but he just couldn’t go through with it because he was weak. He was scared, no, <em>terrified</em>, and—</p><p>—that was exactly how Zuko said he felt after he was banished. He didn’t want to see a physician either because he too was afraid of what he might find out. He didn’t say what specifically he was afraid of, but Sokka felt it must’ve been a similar thing. Maybe even to do with the more severe damage caused by the burn to his face, which, to Sokka’s knowledge, he’d never actually told anyone about at all. Zuko was a lot younger than him when that happened, but it was still the same feeling of fear and panic at the idea that your entire life could be compromised by one stupid mistake. One thing that wasn’t even in your control, bringing all your hopes and dreams to an end.</p><p>His ambitions could be crushed, his dreams demolished, and everything he’d worked for not just at the Southern Water Tribe but during his travels around the world could be destroyed. But Zuko didn’t let the fears stop him. Because even though Iroh had brought the physician to him, Sokka knew that if Zuko wasn’t willing to go through with it, it never would have happened. He got past his fear. Maybe only with the help of his uncle holding his hand, but he managed to do it, and if <em>he </em>could, then Sokka could too. If there was any chance he could work through his injury, he needed to take it.</p><p>After one last short session of restless sleep, Sokka got himself dressed and prepared for what would probably be one of the hardest things he’d had to do since the war ended. He went through a lot with Aang, what with all the near-death experiences and coming face to face with people who wanted to capture them every five seconds, but nothing, <em>nothing </em>could compare to what he had to face now. Even if that was technically more difficult, it wasn’t comparable to what he had to do this time, and it was honestly probably even easier. What he needed to do that day, in just a matter of minutes if Zuko didn’t have anything scheduled that morning, was a near impossible feat and he genuinely considered quitting several times on the way to Zuko’s chambers just because he knew it was a hopeless venture.</p><p>How the <em>hell </em>was he supposed to ask Zuko to hold his hand without getting flustered?</p><p>Sokka hesitated before knocking on the door to Zuko’s chambers, his heart pounding in his ears. When he finally got up the nerve, Zuko answered almost immediately, welcoming whoever was out there. Carefully, Sokka pushed open the door, folding his hands across his chest to stop his fingers from tapping anxiously. Zuko wasn’t in bed but he wasn’t ready for the day either, sitting at his desk and scribbling away at something, dressed in a dark red robe with his hair pulled back in a messy ponytail.</p><p>He didn’t look up to see who walked in behind him, leaving Sokka to approach him on his own; shuffling awkwardly as he tried to find the right way to ask the question. Zuko was the person who made the offer to let him see the physician in the first place, so why was it so hard to tell him he wanted to do it? Why was it so hard to be honest about what he needed? His entire life he’d struggled to tell the truth about who he was and how he felt, covering up his insecurities and doing whatever he could to be stronger. Now, he had to let his guard down and allow himself a moment of weakness to ask for help, and he didn’t know if he could do it.</p><p>“Hey, Sokka,” said Zuko suddenly, dipping his brush back into the inkwell beside his scroll. “I’m glad you’re here, I was actually going to come and talk to you in a few minutes. Unless there’s something you needed to say first? There is, right? You wouldn’t just come in here for no reason. Shit, sorry, I know I’m awkward.”</p><p>“It’s all right.” Sokka shrugged, sitting down on the bench beside the window. He was almost relieved to hear that Zuko had something else to talk to him about, giving him more time to think about the question he needed to ask. “You go ahead, my thing can wait.”</p><p>“Okay. Well, I just wanted to know if— I don’t know if you’ve just been busy, or— I mean, I— did I do something wrong? Like, did I upset you or anything? Or are you going home soon? It’s just that it seems like you’ve been avoiding me, and if I did anything, I want to—”</p><p>“You didn’t do anything wrong, Zuko. I’ve just been dealing with other stuff. Why? Did something happen? If you ever need to talk, you know you can come find me. Even if I’m busy or whatever.”</p><p>Zuko bit down on his lip. “No, I’m fine, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. I didn’t know if something happened at the library when I was half-asleep or something and you were avoiding me because of that.”</p><p>“Oh, no.” Sokka shook his head quickly, assuring him everything was fine. The problem certainly wasn’t that he did anything <em>wrong </em>that evening. “We’re fine, seriously. I’ve just been keeping myself busy with work and all those books you showed me.”</p><p>“All right. I’m glad you’re enjoying those, by the way. So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”</p><p>“It’s—” He cut himself off too quickly. Again, Sokka was at a loss for words. He <em>never </em>let his guard down if it weren’t absolutely necessary. But he didn’t have a choice anymore, not if he wanted to find out whether something was really wrong with his leg. Knowing there was nothing else he could do but be honest, Sokka swallowed hard and forced himself to say the words, his heart pounding in his ears. “I was just wondering if I could take you up on your offer last week.”</p><p>“Offer?” Zuko frowned. “What—? <em>Oh.</em> Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Do you want— we can— we can go right now if you want? I’m not doing anything that important. Are you okay, though? Why are you asking now? Does it hurt?”</p><p>Sokka was almost overwhelmed by the amount of questions Zuko was asking him but managed to nod. “Now would be good, I’m fine, and it doesn’t hurt any more than it has for the last three years. I just… I think you were right when we were talking about it last week. I never even really thought about it before, I just kept from putting weight on it as much as I could, but… yeah, you’re right. There could be something really wrong and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I <em>want </em>to know what it is.”</p><p>“I didn’t want to know either, but my uncle always taught me you have to run towards your fears, not away from them. Running will only delay the inevitable.” He stood up from his seat at the desk, not bothering to put on shoes or anything else but acting as if he were fully prepared to leave. He held out a hand to Sokka, who looked at him for a few seconds before he finally reached out to take it. “Come on, let’s go face your scar.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter Twenty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was weird being on the other side of things.</p><p>Usually, it was Zuko who was being comforted. It was him who was shaking uncontrollably, his eyes darting around the room as he found it too hard to meet anyone’s gazes. But this time, it wasn’t him whose breaths were shallow, whose feet were dragging ever so slightly. It was Sokka, pacing beside Zuko with his gaze downcast, and his arms crossed against his chest as they approached the room the palace physician did her work in. Zuko tried to help him relax as they walked, but Sokka hadn’t said more than a few words since they left his room and each time he did, his voice was low and shaky.</p><p>The difference between Zuko’s worse days and Sokka’s was that he didn’t seem to be anxious or uncomfortable, he was just downright afraid. The look in his normally bright blue eyes could be described as nothing other than sheer terror; barely even blinking when Zuko led him into the little room down a corridor they seldom ventured to. Shin looked surprised and a little concerned when Zuko walked in but let out a breath when instead of sitting down himself, Zuko turned to reassure Sokka that it wouldn’t be as bad as he thought. Zuko almost wanted to fire Shin right then and there for caring more about his wellbeing than Sokka’s, but he understood why she would feel that way and decided to let it slide just this once.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko.” She bowed respectfully, and Zuko lazily returned the gesture. “Is there something I can do for you?”</p><p>“Yeah, this is Sokka,” said Zuko, glancing over at his friend, who was absolutely frozen in fear. “I think you met him in passing before. He’s been staying with me the last couple weeks and he’s got an old injury that’s bothering him. Do you think you could take a look at it? Just to see what’s going on?”</p><p>Shin nodded, gesturing to the small bench in the middle of the room. “Take a seat, dear, we’ll do a little testing to see how it feels and then I’ll let you know what I think. First, can you tell me where your injury was and how long ago it happened?”</p><p>Sokka didn’t answer right away, and Zuko didn’t push him to do so. The room was a lot to take in, with its scarily dark floor, the herbs and remedies lining the walls, and far too many kinds of bandages and wrappings all surrounding the bench Sokka was meant to sit on. He finally took his seat when Zuko nodded for him to do so, but still didn’t say anything, his gaze spinning around the room. Shin must’ve realized he needed a minute to settle down before he could go on too, because she didn’t ask him to speak any faster in spite of her slightly irritated stare.</p><p>“It’s my leg, my left leg,” Sokka stumbled out finally, his tone surprisingly normal considering how heavily his fingers were drumming against his leg. “I broke it on the day of Sozin’s Comet, so like three years ago? I fell from pretty high up and I landed on my leg and it kind of crushed it, and then I jumped from that airship onto another airship and I twisted it and it got even worse. The healers back at my tribe said it was okay after a few months but it… still hurts. Not all the time, just when I put too much pressure on it, or I’m on my feet for a long time.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s not too concerning,” said Shin, moving closer as she began to carefully feel around Sokka’s leg, likely looking for anything that was notably out of place. “Is it a sharp pain, or duller, like it’s just sore from working out?”</p><p>“It’s usually dull and I don’t even notice it, but if I put a lot of weight on it, it gets really sharp and painful.”</p><p>“All right, that’s a little more worrisome but we’ll see what we can do about it. We’re going to try a few things and see what happens, all right? Tell me if this hurts.”</p><p>The first time she bent Sokka’s knee, it was fine. But after that, each and every one of the tests went equally terrible. Sokka lurched back after she twisted his leg the other way, though she’d barely moved it that far. When he was asked to stand, the pressure on his leg was so bad that he let out a gasp and shot back onto his right one, his chest rising and falling heavily. Shin’s brow knit in concern and Zuko had to swallow hard to keep himself from panicking. What if something <em>was </em>really wrong? He’d gone into the room with high hopes, everything in his gut telling him that Sokka was fine and he was strong, and no stupid injury could take him down, but what if he was wrong? What if Sokka <em>did </em>have permanent damage in his leg? Would he still be able to do everything he’d dreamed of?</p><p>After she finished all the tests she wanted to do, Shin asked Sokka to sit back down on the bench and he did so, nursing his leg as he slid into the seat. Shin turned back to her desk filled with scrolls and remedies, mumbling something to herself and jotting down a few notes while the boys waited behind her in silence. Zuko looked to Sokka to say something, hoping he could find some joke or limerick to lighten the mood, but he couldn’t. When he saw again that terrified look in Sokka’s eyes, his heart sank, and he realized all he really wanted to do was give him a hug. Instead, he reached out to one of Sokka’s shaking hands, lacing their fingers together as he squeezed tightly, trying to give Sokka the same reassurance that his uncle had given him after the Agni Kai. Zuko knew he wasn’t nearly as comforting as Iroh was, but he did the best he could, leaning toward the bench and squeezing Sokka’s hand a little tighter when Shin turned back around with the news.</p><p>“Looking at the way you reacted to the pressure and movements we tried,” she started, her tone holding that awful twinge that said she was about to deliver bad news, “there are a few different explanations for what might be happening. Unfortunately, one of the most likely possibilities would be that your fracture didn’t heal properly, and you’ve sustained permanent damage in either your nerves, muscles, or the bone itself.”</p><p>Sokka said nothing, his face frozen and his eyes not even blinking as he stared at Shin. Suddenly, he squeezed Zuko’s hand so hard he thought his fingers might break. His concern growing by the second, Zuko slid a little closer to him, their arms almost touching as he shot Sokka the most reassuring look he could give. What else did Uncle tell him when he was facing his fears with his own physician? All he could remember was holding his hand and the hug afterward, not anything in between. Surely he said <em>something </em>to Zuko to make him feel better during the hardest parts, right?</p><p>“But we don’t know that for sure right now,” Shin went on, “and because the pain isn’t too consistently severe, there’s a chance your muscles are just weakened from a lack of use, which can be corrected with proper care. So, with that, my recommendation is going to be to start with some light training and physical therapy. I’ll give you a couple scrolls with exercises to try, and after a few weeks, we can take another look at your leg and see if it’s helping. If not, we’ll try a few more thorough tests. I can’t make you any promises because the odds are honestly against us right now, but it’s worth a shot. Just don’t push past what your leg can take; if it starts to hurt more than a sore pain, you stop. Making it worse is not going to help anything, understand?”</p><p>“Okay.” Sokka nodded, still not letting up on his grip.</p><p>Zuko held him firm while Shin turned back around to grab the scrolls and something she said would help with the pain. He lowered his voice before he spoke, turning to his friend with the most reassuring look he could manage. “Sokka. Hey. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to figure this out.”</p><p>He didn’t know if he was saying the right things and he could tell his tone was all kinds of awkward so wasn’t as comforting as it could have been, but he hoped Sokka’s continued nods meant he appreciated the effort. They waited in silence when he stopped talking, until Shin handed over the scrolls and assured Sokka he did the right thing by having it checked out; again telling him to try his best even if he couldn’t get his hopes up too high. When they finally rose to leave, Zuko expected Sokka to let go of his hand, but he didn’t. If anything, he clung tighter, his eyes still wide with terror as he walked a little too close to Zuko, bumping into his arm when they stepped out of the doorway. At first, Zuko thought Sokka would thank him and they’d go about their days, but that didn’t happen.</p><p>Something about Sokka seemed different. He was scared, definitely, but there was another look in his eyes that Zuko couldn’t quite identify. He almost wanted to ask about it, though he decided not to do anything until they got back to his chambers—they weren’t necessarily <em>planning</em> to go there but fuck it, Zuko needed to get dressed and Sokka wasn’t in any state to be left alone—where they were out of earshot of any servants or other people who might try to listen in on their conversations. When they walked into the room, Sokka seemed reluctant to let go of Zuko’s hand, but he eventually did so after Zuko sat beside him on the bed. He’d never seen Sokka like that before; a state of pure fear and anxiety as he stared straight ahead of him. Suddenly, he started to understand why other people couldn’t stand to see him like that. It wasn’t because they were annoyed with him or upset that he let his guard down, it was because the expression on his face and the shaking of his hands <em>hurt</em>.</p><p>“I can’t stay here for weeks,” said Sokka suddenly, his tone not upset but stilted with fear. “I have to go back to the tribe.”</p><p>“You don’t have to stay here if you feel like you need to go home,” Zuko assured him quickly. He hated the idea of Sokka leaving, but not more than the idea of him abandoning his home and his dreams. “I can have you on a ship tonight if you need it. I’m sure it’ll be fine if you just take the scrolls and you can practice at home. Katara might even be able to help you with—”</p><p>“No. I can’t— they don’t know. I never told them about my leg and if they find out, they’ll think I’m weak. They won’t trust me anymore. I can’t do that. I can’t go back when my leg is shit like this, but I can’t stay here longer or they’re going to worry. Or not because when I left they didn’t care, and I guess they probably still don’t care because I’ve been gone for what, two months now? And no one seems to be looking for me, so— I don’t know. I'm sorry for ranting. I'm just stressed. My leg hurts like fuck from those stupid tests and I don’t— I don't know what I’m supposed to do about this. <em>Shit</em>.”</p><p>He dropped his head into his hands, taking deep breaths and visibly shaking, but not reaching the point of tears that Zuko, embarrassingly enough, seemed to live on the edge of. For a moment, Zuko thought it would be the best idea to not push the situation any further and just get ready for the day, giving Sokka some space to process the fact that he could potentially lose everything he’d ever worked for, but then he had a better idea. The thing that helped Zuko after he met with his physician when he was finally past his sobbing but still crying because while he’d gotten though the surface checks, he was too afraid to tell his uncle that he couldn’t see anything on his left side and everything he heard in that ear was almost too muffled to process. He wanted it all to end right then and there, the pain and suffering to stop because he knew he could never get back to the way he was, but Iroh helped him. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t try to win him over or assure that anything was going to be okay or even better, he just held him. He just held onto little thirteen-year-old Zuko until he fell asleep.</p><p>Zuko wrapped his arms around Sokka, gently pulling him into his shoulder. At first, Sokka seemed confused by the gesture, but he eventually lowered his hands and slid deeper into Zuko’s chest; his hands still shaking but his breathing having returned almost to normal. Though he didn’t know if he was really doing anything, Zuko refused to quit once he started trying to help. He tightened his grip around Sokka’s back, not saying a word of judgment when Sokka let out a trembling breath and shifted further into Zuko’s grasp.</p><p>“I know this is really scary,” said Zuko quietly, “but I’m here for you, okay? And your family misses you so much, I know they do. They probably just haven’t come to find you because they know you can handle yourself, and since you told them you’re here, they—”</p><p>“No, I didn’t.” Sokka’s voice cracked badly, and he had to take a deep breath before going on. “I didn’t tell them. I never sent them anything. I wanted to, I still do, I just kept putting it off because I thought they would be disappointed in me, but I guess they don’t even care. Not that I blame them. I’m fucking useless. Why would they <em>want </em>me to come home? I can’t even write one stupid little letter and somehow I thought I was qualified to lead the tribe? I—”</p><p>“Stop it. Sokka. <em>Stop</em>.” He slid one of his arms further up around Sokka’s shoulder, pulling him in closer to his chest. Zuko gave him a moment before he went on, the trembling of his body almost too much to take. “You are <em>not </em>useless. Sokka. Listen to me. Sokka. Hey. <em>Sokka</em>. You are not fucking useless. You are so, <em>so </em>smart and strong and I <em>know</em> your family misses you, they probably just don’t know where to look. But it’s okay. You’re okay. We’ll just take a break and calm down and then when you’re ready, I’ll help you write a letter and we’ll figure out what’s going on, okay? It’s going to be okay.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Though Sokka still hadn’t completely broken, the single word came out more like sobbing than speech. Zuko wanted to say something else, to do better at helping, but he didn’t know how. So, instead, he just kept his arms around his friend and held onto him tightly. He wasn’t great at comforting people and he knew that, but he had to do the best he could. He had to try, no matter how difficult he found it. Because everything else aside, Sokka was there for Zuko in his time of need, and he’d be damned if he wasn’t there for Sokka during his.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Sokka must not have slept well, because he fell asleep after a few minutes of lying against Zuko’s shoulder. Zuko didn’t notice at first, he just realized that Sokka had gone very still and look down to see that his friend’s eyes were closed, his breathing quiet and steady. Not wanting to wake him up but having too many duties to tend to, Zuko carefully slid Sokka off his chest, easing him onto the pillows behind him. Rose  from the bed, draping one of the throw blankets over the sleeping boy before he went to get ready for the day, glancing out the window to make sure he wasn’t running later behind than he’d thought. Thankfully, he’d gotten up early that morning and though he’d have to sacrifice breakfast, getting to his first meeting on time wouldn’t be an issue. He got dressed as quickly as he could, dragging his hair into an only slightly terrible topknot, and went over to the door, shooting one last glance in Sokka’s direction as he wrapped his fingers around the door handle.</p><p>All things aside, including Zuko’s utterly confusing and constantly conflicting feelings, Sokka was pretty. His soft brown skin, slightly imperfect wolftail, and large, bright eyes that lit up whenever he was talking about something that mattered to him. Zuko knew how wrong it was to think that way, to stare at Sokka’s sleeping figure and think that he was one of the most beautiful people he’d ever met, but he couldn’t get the thoughts out of his mind. He <em>wanted</em> to get them out, to be clean and pure and the person that the people expected and needed him to be, but he couldn’t. They wouldn’t go away.</p><p>Every damn time Sokka smiled or his face flushed, Zuko couldn’t stop himself from thinking about how fucking adorable he was. Suddenly, his hands felt clammy and his heart started to race so he slid out of the room, closing the door tightly behind him. <em>Don’t think about those things, Zuko</em>, he told himself. <em>You’re past that. You’re better than that. You don’t have those thoughts anymore</em>. Unable to focus and not willing to listen to his own shit anymore, Zuko hurried down the hall to his meeting, planning to bury himself in his work until the others arrived. However, this did not go entirely to plan, as Zuko was stopped on his way to the room by someone he wasn’t too keen to speak with.</p><p>“Hey,” said Mai. She was walking in the opposite direction from him, likely going over to Azula’s room while he was heading out of that wing. They both stopped in the middle of the hall, and Zuko hoped the awkward moment would pass quickly. They hadn’t spoken since his breakdown the week before and he’d been dreading the confrontation that would follow. The confrontation that seemed to be taking place right then and there. “Listen, Zuko, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about last week, and I—”</p><p>“No, it’s fine.” Again, Zuko couldn’t meet her gaze, but he didn’t know why. Maintaining eye-contact was becoming harder and harder as time went on, regardless of who he was talking to, and he wanted more than anything to just learn some goddamn social skills. “We don’t have to talk about it. I know what you’re going to say. I’m pathetic and if I’m going to be someone for the people to look up to then I need to get over myself and stop whining about my stupid childhood. I understand. I’m trying to be better.”</p><p>“Zuko, you big fucking idiot, <em>I </em>was going to apologize to <em>you</em>. Challenging you to do that was a seriously bitchy move and I feel awful about it. I never should have suggested it, I was just trying to make a point and I did it the wrong way. I’m sorry. Seeing you like that was one of the worst experiences of my life and I can’t even tell you how sorry I am that I caused it.”</p><p>“You didn’t cause it, my father did. You were just trying to help. At least we know for the future that exposure therapy doesn’t work on me, right?”</p><p>“Definitely not.” Mai shook her head, not the least bit amused by what he’d thought was a great crack at dry humor. “Hey, look, I know that whole thing was really awful, but I want you to know that I meant what I said. I wasn’t just doing it because you were freaking out. Your dad was a piece of shit. He still is a piece of shit. You didn’t deserve what he did to you and you shouldn’t let your life be dictated by whatever he said, okay? He’s a fucking asshole. He doesn’t know shit.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know.” The smile on Zuko’s face was slightly forced, but it was there all the same. He was always a sucker for people calling his father a piece of shit, regardless of the context. Given that that was probably the high point of their conversation and he had a meeting to get to, Zuko nearly turned to keep walking, but stopped when a lingering question burst its way from his lips. “Why did you think I was gay?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“When I was having that panic attack, I was babbling and I asked you if you broke up with me because I wasn’t worth your time and you said you broke up with me because I’m—” he choked on the word and ended up skipping past it “—but I’m not and I don’t know why you thought that and I guess I just wanted to know why because I don’t want people to think that. I don’t— I don’t like the idea of people thinking that.”</p><p>Mai took a deep breath, glancing over her shoulder and nudging Zuko to step to the side of the hallway before she said anything. She lowered her voice when she answered, likely to avoid any unwanted eavesdropping. “Okay, first, I meant <em>everything </em>I said last week. Everything. So, this whole thing about not wanting people to think you’re gay? Drop it. You’re fine. We love you the way you are. But the answer is… it’s a little complicated. I didn’t really think about it until Ty Lee said something but when I remember our relationship, I think a part of me knew all along. It’s just that you’re so awkward in general that I didn’t really see what exactly was throwing me off until I talked to Ty Lee, and it all started to make sense.”</p><p>“I don’t understand.” Zuko shook his head, his thoughts racing a thousand miles a minute. Ty Lee was telling people he was gay? What the <em>fuck</em>? Why would she do that? Did she have something against him? He wasn’t even into guys! “Why would Ty Lee say I’m— I’m <em>not</em>. I don’t like— I’m<em> not</em>. I swear to god, I’m not— I wouldn’t. I know it’s wrong. I—”</p><p>“You seriously need to stop with that bullshit. It’s not wrong. It’s not. You very clearly had to defend yourself to either your father or your grandfather or some other asshole in your past, but you don’t have to lie to me, okay? I don’t care. I’m not them. And the only reason Ty Lee said anything was because we were talking about our significant others and she asked about you, and I told her that we never really got physical. Not even anything serious, just like kissing, hugging, cuddling, I don’t know. We’re good friends but whenever we tried to do more than hang out, it was just awkward as hell. I thought maybe we just needed to work on it so that’s what I said, and then she told me that she always thought you might be gay.”</p><p>“And you just believed her? Mai, Ty Lee is <em>full </em>of bullshit. Half the stuff that comes out of her mouth is just fluff.”</p><p>“Yeah, she says a lot of fluff, but it made sense, okay?” Mai sighed deeply, again glancing over her shoulder before she went on. “You always got so stiff when we kissed and maybe it was just your awkwardness, but every time we hugged or you put your arm around me, you were kind of pulling away, like you weren’t really comfortable with the closeness. Honestly, I didn’t know if it was true or not, but we weren’t happy, and I thought it was better to end it while we were still friends. And then a couple weeks ago when I saw you with Sokka, I was sold. Ty Lee’s guess might have been based on her ‘gaydar’ or whatever, but I don’t know. It made sense.”</p><p>“Gaydar?” Zuko frowned, his mind swirling in confusion. What did Sokka have to do with anything? If Mai and Ty Lee thought he was gay, who else did too? He swallowed hard. “What the fuck is a gaydar?”</p><p>“I don’t know, it’s like a way gay people can detect other gay people or something?”</p><p>“Ty Lee isn’t gay.”</p><p>“Yeah, she is.” Somehow, Mai looked perplexed, crossing her arms against her chest. “She’s like, a super lesbian, dude.”</p><p>“What the fuck?” His jaw dropped. “Since when? Why is she always flirting with guys if she’s not even into them?”</p><p>“Uh, because it’s fun as shit to mess with all the dudes who throw themselves at her? And since forever, dumbass. She’s never tried to hide it. Like, she didn’t go around telling everyone when it was outlawed but we all knew. She told Azula and I when we were still at the academy. Did you seriously not know? I thought for sure it would get around to you at some point, considering we’ve all known each other since we were like, two. Anyway, that’s not the point and don’t distract from it. I’m sorry for thinking you were gay, all right? I guess I just had a crush on you since we were kids and I wanted our relationship to end for a reason that wasn’t us being bad for each other, which it what it really was, when you boil down to it.”</p><p>“No, it wasn’t.” Zuko bit down on his lip, glancing over his own shoulder to again ensure that no one was interrupting them. He tried to meet Mai’s gaze, but found himself too uncomfortable to stay there. “Yeah, we were bad for each other, but… I don’t know. I’m not— I’ve never really— I mean, I don’t like— but I—”</p><p>What he was <em>trying </em>to say was that he honestly had never been attracted to a woman before, but he wasn’t attracted to men either. Yet, the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth for reasons he couldn’t explain. He didn’t know why, but it felt like he was <em>lying</em>. He wasn’t and he knew it, because even if there was a tiny part of him that thought some boys were aesthetically very, <em>very</em> pretty, he’d crushed that part of him way back before he’d even been banished. Just because he wasn’t attracted to girls didn’t mean he <em>was </em>attracted to guys. In fact, it was likely that he just hadn’t found the right woman yet. Maybe he’d still be able to find a noble firebending woman to marry and carry on the strong bloodline like everyone wanted him to. Even if that wasn’t really what he wanted.</p><p>Though he fully expected Mai to cut him off and start making assumptions again, she didn’t. Instead, she stared at his awkward, shaking figure for several long seconds before she finally stepped forward andwrapped her arms around him; one hand around his waist and the other on the back of his head. He liked the way it felt when Mai stroked his hair—her touch was the furthest thing from gentle but her nails were long and when she tried to calm him, it felt like a comb massaging the back of his head. For a moment, he wanted to ask what the fuck she was doing and why she wasn’t telling him off for asking such dick questions about Ty Lee or accuse him of being gay again, but he didn’t. He held his tongue, instead settling into her embrace and resting his head on her shoulder as he let out a deep breath. He’d never been into cuddling much when they were together but platonically, her embrace was one of the nicest things in the world and he felt a thousand times more relaxed than he had been moments before.</p><p>“I know I’ve said this to you a thousand times already,” she started, her voice low, “but your father is an awful piece of fucking shit bastard that deserves to rot in the hell you locked him in. It’s not your fault, but you’re stuck on the things he taught you, and you can’t let him run your life for you, okay? You’re still acting like he’s going to punish you for not being what he wants but he’s not. He’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore. You didn’t have anyone as a kid and you’re still living in that reality but it’s not your life anymore. You have us. Me, Azula, Sokka, your friends around the world. We all care about you, Zuko, and we’re not going to stop caring because of any stupid little thing. Yes, you’re the Fire Lord and you have to be strong for the people, but you don’t have to be strong for us. If you need something, you say something. To me, to Sokka, to Azula, any of us. Please. We are never going to think any less of you for asking for help, you got it? We love you.”</p><p>Zuko nodded against her shoulder, taking a few more long breaths before he spoke. Again, he wished more than anything that he could find some goddamn social skills because he didn’t know how to respond to affection. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do when his friend—his real, actual friend who was generally nothing but pessimistic—was hugging him and telling him that she and multiple other people loved him. She said it was okay for him to ask for help, the thing he feared most in the world, and he didn’t get it. He didn’t understand how he could be a weak, gay asshole and they would still love him. Everything he was told growing up said that even one of those things would get him banished and hated by everyone and Mai said it was okay to be all three. How the <em>fuck </em>was it supposed to be okay? How was he supposed to believe that it was okay?</p><p>“Thank you.” His voice was even quieter than he intended it to be, but he didn’t care, not wanting anyone to overhear them anyway. He took another deep breath before he went on, hoping he wasn’t tripping over his words as much as he thought. “So, if I— if I <em>was</em>, you wouldn’t— you wouldn’t hate me? You would really be okay with it? You wouldn’t—”</p><p>“Yes, I would be okay with it.” Mai took a step back, one hand lingering on Zuko’s cheek for another few seconds before she fully slid away. “I’m not fucking with you, Zuko, and I don’t care who is. I just want to see your stupid ass smile again, all right? I know angst is our thing but honestly, you look so much better when you’re happy.”</p><p>He almost managed to make that smile for her, but it came out far too sad. “I’m— I’m not saying that I am. I’m not. I just… I don’t know. I don’t like asking for help.”</p><p>“That’s all right. Like I said, I don’t care who you’re fucking as long as they make you happy. But if you need to talk to someone about it, you can talk to me. And that goes for everything. I know it’s hypocritical, but I don’t like seeing you so depressed. Every time I see those burns on your arms and your hands, it makes me want to go down to the dungeons and kill your stupid fucking father myself. Azula said she does too, though I think a lot of that is just because she really wants to deck him in general, but still. Any time you need us, you just call on us, all right? You’re fine. You can put on a brave face for the people, but if you need help, you aren’t going to sound weak for coming to us. Never. That’s why we’re pushing you towards therapy.”</p><p>“I know, but it’s not that bad.” Mai gave him a look that pretty much said ‘then what the fuck happened last week’ but he chose to ignore it. “Thanks again, Mai. It means a lot that you’re looking out for me. I’ve never seen you get so… <em>tender</em> before. It’s almost scary.”</p><p>“That’s the point,” she said sarcastically. “We’re going to scare you into taking care of yourself.”</p><p>He snorted. “If you say so. Anyway, I’m supposed to be in a meeting in like, two minutes, so I should probably go.”</p><p>“Okay. I’m sure Azula’s wondering where I’m at by now too.” They started to walk in their opposite directions, but she called back to Zuko before he could round the corner, causing him to look back one more time. “Hey, I meant what I said. It’s okay. Just do what makes you happy.”</p><p>It took Zuko a minute to realize what she was referring to but once he did, he bit his lip and nodded. He still didn’t believe it would really be okay, not for him, but he liked the idea that it could.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Katara's Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They started to feel the weight of Sokka’s absence about three hours after he left.</p><p>Katara wasn’t experiencing it much firsthand aside from missing her brother since they held such different roles in the tribe, but the longer he was gone, the more Bato and Hakoda would talk about how they didn’t even realize how much he’d taken on. Though they tried to split his duties between them, it was difficult to rearrange everything he’d been in charge of, to the point where Bato called it almost astounding that he hadn’t buckled under the pressure. Katara argued that Sokka was strong and that during their time with Aang he was easily the leader so it should have been expected, but he and Hakoda were still amazed; genuinely shocked that Sokka hadn’t begged for a vacation sooner. Hakoda also admitted that he felt terrible about letting him take on that much responsibility, saying he wouldn’t have been so tired if his dad had done more of the work himself, but Katara assured him it was fine. That was just how Sokka was—always trying to go above and beyond.</p><p>When she first convinced her brother to take a few days off, Katara thought she was doing a good thing. Sokka was clearly exhausted from all the work he was doing, what with the awful bags under his eyes and the way he became almost incoherent at the end of the day. Plus, he’d avoided her comments every time she tried to say something about it, but the amount of fidgeting he was doing had started to become concerning; not to mention his disorganization, and absurdly sporadic focus. Admittedly, it was something she’d noticed in Sokka ever since they were little—it was just the way he was, she figured—but it reached a point where it was clearly becoming a struggle for him, and Katara thought it had something to do with how tired he was. She’d tried to help him, to get him to talk to her about it, but he always said the same thing. He was leading the tribe with their dad and he didn’t have <em>time </em>to worry about himself. All in all, Sokka was exhausted, and a vacation wasn’t just a good idea, it was necessary for him to be okay. He needed to rest, as much as he refused to admit it.</p><p>But then, things took a turn for the worse. Sokka must’ve told her a thousand times that he wouldn’t be gone for long and would return before winter prep was finished. He agreed to take a short vacation, but that was it. He would be back soon, <em>very </em>soon, and everything would be the same when he returned. The problem was that everything was the same, except Sokka never came back. Katara told herself not to worry when he was only a few days late, assuming he wanted to spend a few more days with Suki, but the days went on and there was still no sign of her brother. Before she knew it, a few days turned into a week, and then two weeks, and then they couldn’t just pretend everything was fine anymore. Sokka was a man of his word. He was damn well dedicated to the tribe and if he said he would be back for winter, he meant it. But he wasn’t there, and it was terrifying.</p><p>“Hey. Okay if I sit?”</p><p>Katara barely glanced over her shoulder before she nodded and turned back to the ocean. Hakoda hadn’t outright told Katara that he was worried, but he asked her enough times when Sokka intended to be home that she knew he thought something was wrong too. They both did their best to work through it, to keep their hopes up and believe that Sokka was okay, though it was hard when they knew what the ocean could be like during storms.  For all they knew, Sokka never even made it to Kyoshi Island, or something had happened to him on the way back. The thought of it was horrifying, and though they did everything they could to keep hope, Katara reached a point where she couldn’t keep waking up and expecting to find Sokka there. She couldn’t keep pretending that he was just going to reappear when something clearly kept him away. Whether that was the ocean, Suki, or himself, she didn’t know. All she did was that she couldn’t keep waking up to an empty bed where her brother should have been.</p><p>She pulled Sokka’s boomerang in closer to her chest, not turning to look at her dad when he sat down on the pier beside her. Katara spent most of her free time staring out at the water those days, clinging to Sokka’s boomerang, and hoping his boat would come gliding into the shore. But it didn’t. It never did. The only boat that ever <em>did </em>show up was someone from the Fire Nation bringing them supplies for the winter, with nothing but a lame message from one of the crew members who said, “The Fire Lord sends his best during your hard times.” Katara didn’t know what it meant, or why Zuko sent them anything, but she didn’t have time to care about it. If there was any mystery she wanted to solve it was why Sokka didn’t bring his boomerang with him. Why he left behind what was easily his most prized possession. She sniffed, not tearing her gaze from the water when she spoke.</p><p>“Do you think he’s okay?” she asked quietly.</p><p>“Knowing what he’s capable of, absolutely. As his dad…?” Hakoda’s voice trailed off as he turned to look at the water himself, hesitating before he went on. “I have full confidence in him as a fighter, as a sailor, as a strategist, but it’s been too long. I was actually planning to send a letter to Kyoshi Island tonight, just to see if we can reach him. I’m sure he’s still there with Suki and the girls, it’s just not like him to abandon his schedule like that.”</p><p>“No, his schedules mean everything to him.” Katara’s fingers wrapped around the boomerang, her thoughts turning to the other things she knew he loved. “I’ll write the letter. You and Bato have been taking on a lot since Sokka left, you need to make sure you’re resting enough.”</p><p>“I’m okay, Katara. If you want to write the letter that’s fine, but make sure you’re not staying up too late either. You work just as hard as anyone else in this tribe, if not harder. You need your rest too.”</p><p>Katara forced a smile before rising to her feet, not letting go of Sokka’s boomerang as she headed over to his igloo. The first time she’d gone in there following his departure, she only did it to borrow his paper and brushes, but the longer he was gone, the more she found the small space comforting. Sokka built the igloo by himself a little after he’d gotten off his crutches, and pretty much moved in by the time he left for Kyoshi Island. Because of that, the whole place had a distinctly Sokka vibe to it—his writing and doodles across the papers, his teenage boy smell lingering in the air, and his laundry and miscellaneous belongings scattered all around the area.</p><p>That day, Katara’s gaze lingered on the piles of crumpled up papers and illegible writings, but she told herself they weren’t something to worry about and that Sokka was just discarding ideas. Normally, it would’ve been stressful to sit in the confined space with papers, maps, and piles of junk cluttered around, but not anymore. Katara missed her brother like mad and just being somewhere he spent a lot of time made her feel closer to him. It reminded her how strong he was and that he could take care of himself, whatever happened. He was okay. He <em>had</em> to be okay.</p><p>Though normally his witty remarks would’ve annoyed her, Katara would have given anything for Sokka to walk in right then and there and tell her that he was fine, and she was being ridiculous and overly motherly for worrying about him so much. After all, he hadn’t given her an exact return date, he just said he’d be back before winter. But winter was already there, and Sokka was still nowhere to be seen. She waited every morning to see him sailing into the docks, but he didn’t. He never did. Each day passed without sight of him, nor even a letter to explain where he was at. Her heart told her that Sokka was okay, and that he’d chosen to stay on Kyoshi Island with Suki, but it didn’t make sense that he would do that without letting them know. None of it made sense. He cared about the tribe more than anything, and he would never leave them. Not willingly, at least, which was the part that truly terrified her—that something could have happened to him, something that stopped him from coming home.</p><p>Pushing the worst thoughts from her mind, Katara began to pen her letter. She wanted it to sound as casual as possible, so that if Sokka was just staying on Kyoshi Island for whatever reason, he wouldn’t feel bad or pressured to come home. But she also wanted it to be a bit scolding because he was supposed to be home weeks ago, dammit, and he was nowhere to be seen. If he was just hanging around and not telling them about it, then he deserved her slightly bitchy comments because making her worry, making them <em>all</em> worry, when he was totally fine and just not coming home for whatever reason, wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay and it was one of the scariest things in the world because Katara didn’t know where her brother was and if he was gone, she didn’t know what she would do. So, she wrote the letter, hoping her tone conveyed that she believed he was safe rather than terrified that he was dead.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Dear Sokka,</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Hey, sorry if I’m interrupting your vacation, but you said you would be back before winter, so Dad and I are starting to worry. If you need more time to relax that’s fine, please just send us something back so we know you’re okay. Everyone at the tribe misses you, especially us and Gran Gran. Dad and Bato have been taking care of your duties, so you don’t have to worry about anyone getting into your things. I hope everything went well with Suki. We can’t wait for you to come home.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Love, Katara &amp; Dad</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>As soon as the letter was finished, Katara went to find Hawky and tied the letter for him to take. Once the bird had flown off into the night sky, she went to bed, though every effort she made to fall asleep proved fruitless. Katara couldn’t tell anyone, since they were all sleeping, but she was scared. She was truly scared that they would never get a letter back, and Sokka would just be gone. He would be gone and the last thing she did was push him away. She convinced him to go, and if he didn’t come home, she had herself to blame, and she couldn’t be responsible for that. She couldn’t be responsible for another one of her family members being killed because of something she did, even if it wasn’t intentional, so all she could do to ease her mind was hope and pray that everything was okay. That somehow, even with his sudden his disappearance, Sokka was still alive.</p><p>In spite of all her tossing and turning, the morning came surprisingly quickly and by the time Katara had to get up for the rest of her duties, she’d barely gotten an hour of sleep. She used that as her excuse whenever people asked why she was distracted for the rest of the day, through work, lessons, meals—she didn’t get enough sleep. That was it. She was fine, nothing happened, she just didn’t get enough sleep. Truth was, she was constantly looking up to the sky, hoping that if she did it enough times, once she would look up and see Hawky returning with a letter from Sokka. But it didn’t happen. She looked again and again, desperately clinging to the hope that she’d get something from Sokka by the end of the day, but there was nothing. Not that day, and not the next day either. Katara found the days got longer as she waited, knowing the Hawky could return at any time, though there was no guarantee he’d have a new letter attached to his leg. There was no guarantee Sokka would ever even read the one she’d written.</p><p>It wasn’t until three days after she sent the letter when Hawky finally came home. Katara was working with the waterbending students—which was quite a pain in the ass, to be honest, as they were all under ten years old—when she spotted something out of the corner of her eye. Finally, <em>finally</em> Hawky was flying back towards her, a small piece of paper tied to his leg. She hoped beyond anything it wasn’t the same letter, that he hadn’t just come home after failing to deliver it, and breathed out a deep sigh of relief when she saw the ribbon was a shiny green instead of the blue she’d sent him with. Sokka was okay. He sent back a letter and he was okay. She dismissed her students early, giving them extra homework since she was leaving early. Only seconds after they were gone, she took the letter from Hawky’s leg, hurrying to open it so she could understand exactly why Sokka had left without an explanation.</p><p>Unfortunately, that was far from what she got, and when she saw the handwriting was not Sokka’s, her heart dropped into her stomach. He was fine. Suki just wrote the letter for him. He was fine. He had to be fine. She lowered the letter momentarily, taking a deep breath so her hands wouldn’t shake while she was trying to read it. Everything was fine. Suki just wrote back to let them know that Sokka was already on his way home. Everything was fine and Sokka was going to be there soon. Katara took another deep breath and unrolled the letter, forcing herself to read it.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>To Katara, Chief Hakoda, and Whomever Else it May Concern,</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Hi, guys. I hope all is well at the Southern Water Tribe. I was surprised to find Hawky today, and now I’m afraid I have bad news. Sokka was only here for two days. On the third morning, he left a letter on my door that said Chief Hakoda had asked him to return to the tribe on short notice for reasons he didn’t explain. I haven’t heard from him since he left, but all his things are gone, including his boat, and a few crumpled papers are all he left behind.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I’ve already spoken to the other Kyoshi Warriors about the situation, and we’re trying to figure out what happened to Sokka. We’re all so worried about him now and we’re doing our best to find him. I promise we aren’t going to give up until we know he’s safe. He means so much to all of us. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to write, or come visit us to aid with the search. I’ll let you know as soon as we find something.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>All the best,</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Suki + the Kyoshi Warriors</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Katara froze. There was no way she’d interpreted that correctly, right? Sokka wasn’t gone. He didn’t disappear. People don’t just disappear and Sokka doesn’t just lie about where he’s going so something didn’t make sense. Something was off and the only way she was going to get any answers was to talk to her dad. She practically ran over to the training grounds, where she found him and Bato leading, ironically, one of Sokka’s favorite training games. Katara barely batted an eye at the recruits as they fought to get each other’s flags, hurrying to the hill where her dad and Bato were sitting; watching and giving directions to the younger kids as they practiced. Hakoda saw Katara first, his eyes going wide with concern when he rose to his feet, clearly aware that she was about to talk to him about something serious. He nodded for Bato to take command of the group before moving to meet Katara at the bottom of the hill.</p><p>“Dad, what did you do?!” snapped Katara, almost heaving as she came to a stop in front of him.</p><p>“Slow down, Katara,” said Hakoda, his voice calm but the look in his eyes still full of concern. “What happened?”</p><p>“This!” She shoved the letter from Suki into his arms, not waiting for him to read it before she went on. “You told Sokka to come home early and he never did. He’s gone, Dad. They don’t know where he is. Nobody knows where he is.”</p><p>Instead of responding to her cries, Hakoda finished reading the letter, his expression becoming increasingly worried. “I have no idea what she’s talking about. I never sent Sokka anything. He deserved that break; I never would have told him to come home unless something really serious went down. Something must have happened. Is that the only thing she sent?”</p><p>“Yes, it is. I just don’t understand.” Katara shook her head, her mind running a thousand miles a minute as she tried to figure out what the next step to take was. “Why would he say you asked him to come home if you didn’t? It doesn’t make sense. Where would he even go? Why would he leave Kyoshi Island?”</p><p>“I think there’s only one way to find out.”</p><p>He didn’t have to say the words for Katara to know what he meant. They set sail for Kyoshi Island that afternoon, Katara bending the water around them to increase their speed as they hurried to get to the island as quickly as they could. It still took far longer than they would’ve preferred and by the time they arrived, Katara had already thought of so many terrifying explanations for what might have happened that she couldn’t even think anymore without her heart beating faster. Sokka was okay. She had to believe that Sokka was okay. Her dad told her a thousand times that there was probably just a misunderstanding and they’d find him soon, but they didn’t know. Nobody knew and that was what was so terrifying. That something horrible could have happened to Sokka and there was a chance they would never even know what. They would never even know what happened to him.</p><p>Suki must have seen them coming because her and the other Kyoshi Warriors were already standing on the docks when they arrived. They all wore serious expressions and Sokka was nowhere in sight, leaving them in the worst possible place—with no answers. Katara hurried off the boat, ignoring how sore her arms were from all the bending and rushing over to talk to Suki and the others. She needed answers about where her brother was, and she needed them as soon as possible. If anyone, anyone placed a hand on him, she would not hesitate to destroy them. Yes, Sokka preferred to be the one protecting her, but she never gave a shit before and she wasn’t about to start giving a shit now. Nobody messed with her brother except for her.</p><p>“Hey!” Katara skidded to a stop in front of the Kyoshi Warriors, breathing heavily from her short sprint and the hours of work before it. “Have you found anything yet?”</p><p>“No, nothing.” Suki shook her head, a sad look in her eyes. “We’ve searched all over the town and everywhere he went, but there’s nothing. His boat is gone, so he must have gone somewhere, we just don’t know where. His letter said he was going back to the tribe, see? I just listened to him. I didn’t think he would lie to me and it’s definitely his handwriting, but I still can’t really believe it. It’s just not like him at all.”</p><p>Katara didn’t respond right away, reading over the letter Suki had given her. It was just as she said—it was definitely Sokka’s scribbled handwriting, and it definitely said that Hakoda had called him back, though he again denied that very adamantly when he came over to read it himself. He was clearly just as scared as Katara was, but he did everything he could to hide it, so Katara didn’t say anything and Suki didn’t either. Sokka was missing. They were all allowed to freak out a little. Or a lot. Hell, they were allowed to do whatever they felt like because Sokka was <em>missing</em>. Her brother, one of the strongest, bravest, funniest people she’d ever met, was missing. She swallowed hard. There was no reason to panic. Sokka was, as she’d just thought, strong and brave. He was okay. Whatever happened to him, he had to be okay.</p><p>“We don’t know either,” said Katara, sighing deeply. She turned to Hakoda, her eyes wide with fear. “You don’t think he could’ve run away? I know he said he was fine, but he was so tired when he left, and I don’t know if you noticed, Dad, or if it was just me, but I thought all his fidgeting was getting bad. His workspace has been an absolute wreck too. Do you think it was worse than we thought? Maybe something happened and we didn’t even know it. We should have helped him sooner, or I should have tried harder to get him to talk to me, or—”</p><p>“Calm down, Katara.” Hakoda wrapped an arm around her reassuringly. “If he did run away, we can’t blame ourselves. Honestly, it’s probably for the best because you know he can take care of himself. It’s better he went to take time for himself than something bad happened to him here, which seems unlikely considering how safe it is. Right, Suki?”</p><p>“Right.” She nodded hesitantly, biting down on her lip. “I don’t believe there’s anyone on this island who would’ve wanted to hurt him but if I’m being really honest, I— I’m really worried that he might have hurt himself.”</p><p>“No, he wouldn't— I know Sokka, and even if he was hurting, he wouldn't— he knows how much he means to us. He would never do that to us.” Katara’s heart dropped into her stomach, her throat dry when she spoke. “Why do you…? Did he— did he say something? Was he okay the night before he left? Like, did he give you any reason to think he might do something?”</p><p>“He wasn’t any stranger the night he left than he was when he first got here,” Suki answered, glancing over to Hakoda, “but he wasn’t himself when he got here either. I don’t know what he’s been like at the tribe because we might have just grown apart so bear with me okay? He was really self-conscious when he got here. He actually asked me if I could tell him when he started fidgeting so that he would stop, and he’s never done that before. Not the fidgeting—I noticed that the first time we met; I know it’s just one of those Sokka things he does—but acting like it was a problem. He asked me to train with him too, and I don’t know if I was interpreting the situation correctly, but I think there was something wrong. He kept falling over, and his weight was all over the place. Or rather, really far to the right. He tripped a <em>lot </em>just because he couldn’t get himself balanced. Is that new? Did something happen? I don’t remember him doing that before.”</p><p>“He’s been doing it for a while.” It was Hakoda who answered. Suddenly, Katara realized that she might have been right. Maybe things really were worse with Sokka than she thought. How long had he been struggling for? “Like Katara said, his fidgeting and even his focus was getting really bad. I thought it was just because he was tired, but now I’m not so sure.”</p><p>“I know, same here. I really didn’t get enough time with him to know more than what he told me, and that wasn’t much either. I know things must’ve been bad in some way though, because the morning after he got here we were doing some training, and we had to stop early because he tripped, and he had a really bad panic attack.”</p><p>“Wait, he had a <em>panic attack</em>?” Katara gaped.</p><p>“Yeah, I mean, has he never had one before?” Suki frowned, her expression turning to one of confusion while Katara’s must’ve been one of nothing but fear; her heart beating faster in her chest as she kicked herself for not trying harder to help her brother. “After it happened, he told me it was something he’d been dealing with for a while. You didn’t know? He never said anything?”</p><p>Katara shook her head, unable to form words. She was right. It was worse than they thought. She’d been worried for a while, but her and their dad accepted that Sokka was just tired from doing so much work. Except he wasn’t, he was dealing with something else, something they didn’t know about. She had no idea what it could’ve been, or what might have caused it given that he was basically doing his dream job with the people he loved right at his side whenever he needed them. All she did know was that it must’ve been serious because he was having panic attacks. Actual, literal panic attacks. Was that why he’d been so distant? Why he spent so much time hiding out in his igloo, when everyone thought he was just reading or working on his plans? Katara couldn’t help but wonder how much she’d missed by failing to get him to talk. How long Sokka had been struggling without telling anyone.</p><p>She took a moment to gather her thoughts, glancing out at the water for several long seconds before looking back to Suki. She opened her mouth to say something, to ask if Sokka had elaborated at all on why he might have been having them or how bad they’d gotten, but something caught her eye, distracting her from her words before she could share them. Someone was coming towards them, and as they got closer, she realized it was a group of Kyoshi Warriors. Ty Lee was in the center of them, almost running as she approached Katara, Suki, and Hakoda. The look on her face was not one of glee and instantly, Katara found herself struggling to breathe. It wasn’t good news. It couldn’t be good news.</p><p>“Ty Lee?” called Suki, running over to meet her. “What happened?”</p><p>“We found Sokka’s boat,” Ty Lee answered flatly. Katara’s heart skipped a beat. “It’s hidden under one of the cliffs on the other side of the island. We searched the whole area, but we didn’t find Sokka, or any sign that someone else was there.”</p><p>Her mind swirling with theories and fears about what might have happened, Katara opened her mouth to speak, but found she didn’t have any words to say. What was she supposed to do? Sokka couldn’t have run away without his boat, which meant he had to be on the island, right? He was there somewhere. But what if it was different from that? What if he’d hidden his boat because he’d gone somewhere on the island to— <em>no</em>. No, there was absolutely no way that Sokka would do that. Katara was taking it too far. Something was wrong, but it wasn’t <em>that</em> wrong. Sokka was fine, he was okay, he’d just gone off to do something and was intending to come back. But then why would he hide his boat?</p><p>“Okay.” Hakoda took a deep breath, looking around the group of young women around him before he went on, his own voice shaking ever so slightly. “Given that his boat is hidden, and he left that letter claiming he was heading home, I think we can pretty much rule out foul play. Wherever Sokka went, it was voluntary, and he didn’t want us to know about it. I just don’t understand <em>why</em>. I don’t know what we missed.”</p><p>“Something was wrong,” said Katara, unable to keep the fear out of her voice. “I thought he was just tired, but— I kept asking him about it and he refused to answer every time. I should have tried harder. I should have— I could have gotten him to talk to me if I just stopped letting him walk away. And I shouldn’t have pushed him to leave. He told me he didn’t want a vacation and I made him go anyway and I thought it would be okay but he’s— now he’s probably— and it’s my— it’s my fault. He— He did that to himself and it’s my fault.”</p><p>“No.” It wasn’t a second before her dad’s strong arms wrapped around her, and she clung to him tightly; finally allowing a few tears to fall. It hurt. She didn’t know if she was right, if he’d really disappeared for <em>that </em>reason, but nothing else made sense. Nothing else made sense and she hated it so much. “I don’t know what happened, but we’re going to find him, okay? Even if we have to search the entire island, inch by inch, we’re going to find him and we’re going to bring him home.”</p><p>“But what if we can’t? What if we’re already too late, and he—?”</p><p>“He wouldn’t.” Though he was doing his best to sound confident, Katara heard the slight crack in Hakoda’s voice. He was considering the same possibilities as her, though neither wanted to believe it could really be true. That he could be taken from them so suddenly and in such a horrible way. “I don’t know what happened, but I know that he’s okay. He’s a fighter. Whatever it takes, however long, we’re going to find him. I promise.”</p><p>Katara only nodded. It was hard to keep up hope when all the odds and the evidence seemed to be against her, but she had to try. If Sokka was still out there somewhere, he needed their help, and she was going to make sure he got it—no matter how hard it was.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter Twenty-One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There were three reasons why Sokka couldn’t stop tripping and only one of those was he willing to admit to.</p><p>Reason one: his leg hurt like hell. Overall, the training was kicking his ass. Mentally, he was able to do it. Physically, he was able to do it, all aside from his leg. Each time he put too much weight onto his left leg he got that same shot of pain and a surge of adrenaline rushing through his veins. He managed to breathe through it, getting the hell off that leg before it got bad enough to trigger any sort of panic, but it caused him to trip more than he wanted to. Plus, the more he tried to put pressure on his leg, the more he realized that it didn’t want to take his weight. Zuko’s physician was right—regardless of whether he was permanently injured or not, his muscles were definitely weakened, and they needed to be retrained.</p><p>Reason two: his focus was all over the place. It was the same problem he used to struggle with back at the tribe, which he’d really been having at fluctuating levels of severity ever since he was a kid. Occasionally, he had a moment of brilliance where he was entirely focused and thought about nothing but what he was doing, but other times, he couldn’t think about what he was doing at all and his mind wandered so far away that his legs tried to follow and took him right down to the floor. He tried to fix it, acknowledging Zuko’s reminders each and every time he pointed out Sokka’s lack of focus, but it just didn’t work. It was like his thoughts were completely out of his control, and even if he didn’t care about what he was thinking of, he couldn’t get rid of them. And, for some reason, it seemed to be even worse than usual. Since he’d seen Shin, he couldn’t get it back to even that bearable level of uncomfortable.</p><p>Reason three: Zuko was really, <em>really </em>hot. In both ways. He’d taken his shirt off to train because it was hot in the training room, and even though he was still wearing a dark tank, Sokka’s eyes basically popped out of his head. If he had any doubts about whether he really liked Zuko, they all disappeared the moment he laid eyes on his toned biceps and strong collarbone. He tried desperately to stop staring, certain that Zuko would catch on and decide he didn’t want to help Sokka train anymore, but <em>goddamn</em>. He was definitely gay. Not <em>completely</em> gay, because girls were still really hot too, but very gay. Gay enough for his eyes to be utterly stuck to Zuko’s sexy muscles and stupidly adorable face every time he looked his way. Though it was honestly really annoying how distracting it was, Sokka couldn’t care too much. He liked Zuko. He was okay with that. Even if Zuko could never like him back.</p><p>“Put more weight on your left foot,” Zuko called, his hands still raised to guard his face. He was bouncing slightly in his ukiashi dachi, remaining light on his feet as per the number one rule of sparring. He wasn’t going hard at all and only bended once or twice as a joke, but Sokka was getting tired regardless. Physical therapy was harder than he thought it was going to be. “You’re doing good, you just need to remember that having an even stance is crucial. If I were unbalanced and I tried to bend, the consequences could be disastrous. Not so much for Aang or Katara but fire is dangerous. That’s why we learn from such a young age to hold our stances.”</p><p>“Sure, but I’m not a bender,” said Sokka, his gaze flickering between Zuko’s biceps and his eyes, which seemed to be looking slightly to the left of Sokka’s face, “so the rules are different for me, right? ‘Cause really, I think you could probably teach one-legged man to use a sword just as well as I do, so there’s no reason for me to have to split my weight like that. I can do fine on one leg.”</p><p>Zuko blinked. “Okay.”</p><p>He dropped his stance suddenly, walking right over to Sokka. He stood there for several seconds, staring right at him but still just barely avoiding his gaze, then poked him in the right shoulder. Zuko pushed until Sokka started to slowly topple over, unable to regain his center of balance, at which point Zuko switched his single finger to his entire fist and grabbed Sokka’s sleeve, tugging him back to center. Sokka looked to Zuko awkwardly, as Zuko crossed his arms against his chest, raising his brow in a way that pretty much got across his point of, ‘<em>are you seriously telling me you can fight like that when you can’t even stand on one leg</em>?’</p><p>Sokka only shrugged in response, hoping he didn’t come across looking like <em>too </em>much of a fool. He knew how he got around people he had a crush on. Or was he awkward like that around everyone and just more aware of it when he was embarrassing himself in front of his crush instead of a random friend? Either way, there was a seriously hot guy looking at him and he was standing there like an idiot, making jokes that no one but himself would ever find amusing. Ridiculous.</p><p>They practiced for another twenty or so minutes, alternating light sparring and going through the motions on the kumite that Zuko had shown him before they finally called it quits. Sokka practically rushed over to get his bottle of water, while Zuko just flopped down onto the floor of the training room, lying down on his back as he let out a deep, fiery breath. For a split second, Sokka wondered whether Zuko was trying to kill him as he both choked on his water and almost had a gay heart attack right then and there, but then he realized there was no way. If Zuko wanted to kill him, he’d definitely go the simple route and just burn him alive rather than get Sokka to kill himself on his own bisexual noose. Unless he was trying to make it look like an accident in which case that was probably the better option, but Sokka was getting way too deep into a thought that definitely wasn’t true. He forced himself to snap out of it and wandered back over to Zuko.</p><p>Sokka hesitated before he sat down, even wandering over to where he’d left his things and downing several of the pain relief pills Shin had given him but decided to make a bold move. Was it crossing a line? Possibly. Was it really satisfying and really comfortable? Yes. So instead of just sitting down, Sokka sat down and then leaned back and rested his head on Zuko’s stomach, not budging when he felt his friend twitch slightly, mostly likely out of confusion. He didn’t ask Sokka to move, however, so he decided it must not have been the worst thing for him either. They sat there for a minute in silence while Zuko finished catching his breath, before he finally inhaled deeply and asked the question Sokka was entirely expecting.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>“Using you as a pillow,” Sokka answered, shrugging as if it were no big deal, though his heart started to race. If Toph were there, she’d have called him on his bullshit in a second. He looked up to Zuko’s face, smirking when he saw how furiously he was blushing. Why did he have to be so cute and awkward? It was not making it easier to get over his feelings (nor was his using Zuko as a pillow, but that’s beside the point). “Damn, you look like I just asked you who spilled wine all over the rugs. It’s not a big deal, the floor is too hard for a good lie down. Seriously, I’m just taking advantage of you right now. I used to do it to Appa and Momo all the time. Fun fact: Momo minded it a lot more than Appa did.”</p><p>“Well, that’s probably because Appa is a ten <em>ton </em>flying bison and Momo can’t weigh ten pounds total.” Zuko still didn’t tell Sokka to move but shifted his arms beneath his own head to act as a cushion. “Just a little bit of a size discrepancy there, but it <em>could </em>mean the difference between squashing Momo and tickling Appa’s tail.”</p><p>“Where do you fall on the scale?”</p><p>He hesitated. “The middle, I guess. You’re not squashing me but it’s definitely not just a tickle.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s good to know.” Sokka sighed and closed his eyes, sinking into the moment. He’d always thought Zuko’s socially awkwardness was fun—and apparently cute, though he wasn’t sure when <em>that </em>part popped into his mind—but it was the first time he’d thanked the world for it, as Zuko didn’t seem to realize that Sokka had feelings for him regardless of how strongly he came on. It was both a curse and a blessing. “Hey, have you eaten anything today?”</p><p>“Uh, depends on your definition of ‘eating’,” said Zuko. He shifted uncomfortably beneath Sokka’s weight. “Why?”</p><p>“Because I’m lying on your stomach right now and you sound hungry. I thought you were going to eat before this. That was the plan, right? We were going to meet up <em>after </em>lunch. It doesn’t count as after lunch if you didn’t eat any lunch.”</p><p>“I did eat lunch. It was almost exclusively tea and I spent the entire half hour reviewing plans for one of our landmarks, but it was lunch. Sort of.”</p><p>“No, it wasn’t.” Sokka turned his head to look at Zuko’s face, frowning when the Fire Lord instantly moved to avoid his gaze. “Drinking tea does not count as eating something. How much tea can one person even drink? I’m serious, you must seriously love that stuff.”</p><p>“Not really.” He sighed, shaking his head as much as he could with his head on top of his hands. “I’ve never liked it that much. I drank it here and there but never like, a regular thing. Just when Uncle poured some for me. And I haven’t changed much, I’m still not a big fan of it. Honestly, at this point it… it tastes like <em>nothing,</em> but I keep drinking it because— I don’t know. It’s comforting for some reason. Is that weird?”</p><p>“Nah, it reminds you of your uncle. I used to do something like that after my dad left too, but it was less of drinking unhealthy amounts of tea and more of wearing his old shirts. Which, I realize is probably way weirder than drinking a lot of tea so sorry if that was a strange thing to say. You should probably just forget about that. I know it doesn’t really make much sense, but—”</p><p>“But drowning myself in tea does? It’s fine, Sokka. I guess everyone does weird things when they miss someone they care about.”</p><p>Sokka was so busy trying to get past the fact that he just shared something totally embarrassing with the super-hot guy that it took him a full ten seconds to process Zuko’s tone. He didn’t sound thoughtful or reassuring, he just sounded <em>sad</em>. He dropped his head down after he spoke, closing his eyes as he took a deep, calming breath. Sokka liked the way it felt to lie on top of him when he did that but felt like it was time for him to drop his self-indulgent bullshit and get up. He slid away, pulling his legs into a cross-legged position as he looked to Zuko, who opened his eyes upon feeling Sokka move from his stomach. He sat up on his elbows, but didn’t move the rest of the way, just frowning as he waited for one of them to make the first move. Knowing how socially unskilled Zuko was and how reluctant he was to ask for help, Sokka decided to be the one to say something.</p><p>“When was the last time you saw him?” asked Sokka. “Your uncle, I mean.”</p><p>“Uh, I don’t— I don’t know.” Zuko froze for a second, pushing himself up. He slid his knees into his chest, wrapping his arms around them before resting his chin on top. He looked past Sokka, his eyes flickering back and forth for several seconds until he finally spoke again. “I think it was… my birthday? Maybe? I haven’t been to Ba Sing Se in like a year because I’ve been so busy, but I know he’s come here a couple times. It’s definitely been a few months though. Three— probably three or four months. And he was only here for a day or two then. For my birthday or something, like I said. I don’t remember.”</p><p>“You should go visit him.” When Zuko scoffed, Sokka slid closer to him, adjusting his tone to get his point across. “Zuko, I’m serious. I know how much he means to you, and if you haven’t seen him in that long, you should go visit. It would make you feel better, I’m sure. Not that I’m saying you don’t feel fine because you seem like you’ve been having a good week comparatively speaking, but—”</p><p>“I can’t go see him, Sokka. I can’t. I want to see him more than anything in the world, but I can’t.”</p><p>“Why not? You know he’d love for you to visit.”</p><p>Zuko nodded. He bit down on his lip in that depressingly adorable way, his gaze turning to the floor and not moving when he explained. “I haven’t told him about everything that’s happening. I’ve told him about a lot of it, about you being here and Azula moving back into the palace and everything but when I write him letters I… I kind of omit everything that has to do with me being unhappy. It’s not that I don’t want him to know, or I don’t think he should, it’s just… he’s been through <em>so much </em>with the war and everything and now he’s happy and he’s retired and he’s living his best life and I know that if he found out, he’d want to come back to the Fire Nation and stay here to help me and I can’t do that to him. I can’t. He’s made a perfect life for himself in Ba Sing Se and he deserves that. I can’t ruin that for him with my own stupid bullshit. I can’t. I can’t do it.”</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka scooted a little closer again, reaching out to squeeze Zuko’s shoulder. “I get it. I felt a similar thing back at the tribe. I know it’s not the same, but I have these weird things I do, and like they’ve always been there, but they just got really bad and I don’t know why. It got to a point where it was really bothering me, and I wanted to ask for help with it, but I didn’t even know how. Nobody took it seriously and I guess it was— it reached a point where it was getting in the way of my life and it was just exhausting to deal with but I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me when they were all so happy. I didn’t want to be the reason they stopped smiling.”</p><p>He almost laughed at the irony of the last part but forced himself to remain stoic so that Zuko wouldn’t ask any questions about it. His whole reason for leaving, the thing that exhausted him to the point where he hid in his igloo for hours a day and everyone urged him to take a break, was the same thing that he didn’t want to talk about for fear of upsetting his family. Sokka didn’t tell anyone because he didn’t want anyone to be upset because of him. Then he didn’t send anyone a letter for so long because he didn’t want to make things worse. And now, <em>finally</em>, the word was out there, the information was sent, and he didn’t get shit in response.</p><p>That was easily the biggest reason he couldn’t focus that day. After his meltdown following the meeting with Shin, Sokka took a nap, then woke up and almost immediately wrote a letter with Zuko. They sent it that same night, expecting a quick and likely very relieved response, but they got nothing. Sokka wanted to believe that whether or not he was important to the tribe, he was definitely important to his family, but that no longer seemed true. His sister, his dad, his grandmother—none of them knew where he was, and none of them bothered to care. It was over a <em>week </em>since he sent that damn letter, and <em>no one </em>responded. No one cared that he was okay. No one cared that he wasn’t dead. No one cared about him at all and it fucking <em>hurt</em>.</p><p>“So, what did you do?” asked Zuko suddenly, filling the silence Sokka left. His tone was genuinely curious, and Sokka didn’t know whether he wanted to know to hear the end of the story or to get advice for himself. “Did you tell them, or…?”</p><p>“I didn’t tell them.” Sokka shook his head, sniffing as he closed his eyes for a few seconds to gather his bearings. He was being ridiculous. It was fine. They cared. He knew they cared. They <em>had</em> to care. “I didn’t tell anyone. I mean, I tried to tell Suki, but she didn’t understand. She just said it wasn’t a big deal and I shouldn’t be trying to fix it and— I don’t know. I guess I just live with it now. I’ll find something to do about it someday, I hope, but not now.”</p><p>“This is hypocritical, but is there anything I can do? You can talk to Shin again, or—”</p><p>“No, no it’s nothing like that. It’s just stupid stuff, like, I can’t stop shaking. Ever. Not like, cold shaking or whatever but this <em>thing </em>I do with my hands and feet that’s just constant fucking motion and I can’t stop it. I try, I do, but it never works. I can’t stop.”</p><p>“Sorry if you don’t like it, but I think have to side with Suki,” said Zuko, his voice hesitant. “I have problems with stuff like that too, and my old advisor kept getting people in to look at it, and most of them said it needed to be trained out of me but there was one guy—I think he was like a guru or something—he said it’s because I have a lot of anxiety in my spirit or something, and that’s how it manifests itself. Now, he could’ve been full of bullshit, but I don’t know. It made sense when he said it. A lot more sense than the people who said I was born broken, at least. Though honestly, that wouldn’t be too much of a long shot either.”</p><p>“Zuko, you weren’t born broken, Ozai broke you.” Sokka swallowed hard, trying to decide how much he wanted to say. Was he going to tell Zuko everything? No. He was a disaster, but he wasn’t <em>that </em>much of a disaster. He let out a deep breath. “I think that’s what happened to me too. Not with your dad, obviously, but it’s just straws, you know? My dad says I was always a little twitchy, but it got worse after my mom died, and then it got worse again when he left to go to war, and it got even <em>worse </em>after Sozin’s Comet and… I don’t know. What I’m trying to say is, you can’t blame yourself for circumstances beyond your control. Sometimes shit just spirals and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s not your fault. Or mine, I guess.”</p><p>“So, what you’re saying is that we’re both pretty much fucked.”</p><p>He hesitated before nodding, briefly meeting Zuko’s beautiful amber gaze before turning back to his own hands. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s the gist of it. But hey, we were kids who stopped a century long war. We had to all end up with at least <em>some </em>trauma. Plus, everything that happened before we started fighting. It builds up.”</p><p>“There’s something my uncle used to say about that,” Zuko mused, pushing a hand through his hair. “It wasn’t a tea metaphor, it was… smoke, maybe? I don’t remember it exactly, but he always followed it up with, ‘Please, Prince Zuko, stop bending in your room or we’re all going to die!’”</p><p>Sokka couldn’t help but laugh. As much as he knew he shouldn’t be thinking it, Zuko’s goofy impression of his uncle was one of the most adorable things that Sokka had ever seen. It was surprisingly accurate too, with near perfect hand gestures—though the family relation probably helped a lot with mimicking his mannerisms—and an inflection that captured the very spirit of Iroh himself. If he didn’t know any better, Sokka would’ve thought that Zuko might have practiced it before, and part of him wondered all the same. After all, he’d admitted to being a massive theater nerd, so it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that he’d enjoy acting too, even if that was one of the most ridiculous ways to indulge in it. Sokka didn’t mind, though. Zuko was way too cute for him to think that the idea was anything other than ridiculously wholesome.</p><p>“I’m guessing that was when you were searching for Aang?” asked Sokka, sighing as he flopped back onto the ground. He was smart to use Zuko as a pillow before because that floor was far too hard for a decent rest. He slid his own hands under his head, staring up at the deep red ceiling above them. “I mean, I don’t think a little smoke would matter in the palace but on the ship, you could fill your whole room.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s what he was afraid of.” Zuko smiled, and for a moment it seemed like he was going to move, to finally release his legs from their prison in his arms, but he didn’t. “I never did kill anyone, though. Not with the smoke. I did get a really bad cough for a week or two, but nothing worse than that. Not because of my bending, anyway.”</p><p>Though he wanted to ask what Zuko was talking about, it was clear from his tone that the guy had no interest in elaborating, so Sokka went for the more positive route instead. “Did he say anything else to you? That’s— I meant— <em>obviously</em> he said a lot of things, just, you know, we could use some positive words or if you have a story, or I could probably think of something stupid about myself if you don’t want to—”</p><p>“It’s fine. Uncle did say a lot of wise things while we were on the ship, and a lot of times before and after that too, but I don’t remember a lot of them. I didn’t listen as much as I should have and I really regret it, looking back. I think I would’ve been a lot better off if I’d just taken his words to heart.” He bit down on his lip, taking a deep breath before he looked over to Sokka. “That said, one of my favorite things I do remember was when he told me that my perseverance itself was not a choice. He said that I already persevered when I decided to find the Avatar, and that the perseverance which started there would translate into other areas of my life, even if I thought I was giving up. I don’t know how long that perseverance was supposed to last for, but it got me through the worst of it.”</p><p>“The worst of what?” And he’d asked Zuko for context anyway. <em>Shit</em>. He needed to learn how to hold his damn tongue around pretty people. “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that, I was just wondering what spurred the comment since you always seemed so confident and determined when you were after us.”</p><p>“Confident?” Zuko snorted, shaking his head with an unreadable look in his eyes. “I was never confident, I just kept going because I didn’t think I had any other choice. My uncle wasn’t talking about that, though, it was a couple weeks after I got banished. I’d barely started my search. We were actually practicing when he said that, because I was trying to get better at my bending and fighting and— wait, you’re not going to say anything to anyone else, right? I don’t mind you hearing this, but I don’t know if I’m ready for everyone to know.”</p><p>“I won’t say anything, I swear. This is between you and me.”</p><p>“Okay. I wasn’t just training to get better at fighting to defeat the Avatar, I was relearning how to walk.” He inhaled deeply, picking anxiously at his fingernails as his gaze again drifted to the floor, but closer to his feet than where Sokka lay. “See, I had this patch over my eye for a good few months after I was banished, and my depth perception was <em>fucked</em>. I kept walking into walls and shit and Uncle had to hold my hand pretty much everywhere we went because I couldn’t see. Even when we took the patch off it’d been so long since I used my eye, I just— I couldn’t see <em>anything</em>. So, I didn’t just have to learn to fight, I had to learn how to <em>walk</em>.”</p><p>“Can—” Sokka cut himself off, sitting up slowly as his eyes focused on Zuko’s scar. He didn’t know if it was okay to ask, and he hoped Zuko understood that if he didn’t want to answer, he didn’t have to. “Can you see out of that eye now?”</p><p>He hesitated. “Yes.”</p><p>“Really? You know, you can tell me if—”</p><p>“It’s <em>fine</em>.” Zuko’s head shot up quickly and he looked to Sokka with an almost aggressive expression on his face. His temper was something to be feared, even if Sokka trusted Zuko not to do anything that would harm him, and he felt himself flinching away. “I can see fine. It looks worse than it is because I can’t open it all the way, but it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing wrong with my eye itself.”</p><p>“Okay, I got it.” Sokka held his hands up in defense, sliding back slightly. Honestly, he didn’t really believe that Zuko was telling the truth based on just how defensive he was being, but he didn’t want to push it any further when Zuko so obviously didn’t want to talk about it. “Hey, we should go get something to eat before your next meeting. I don’t want you to be hungry all day.”</p><p>His mood wasn’t about to snap right back. “I’m not hungry, I’m fine.”</p><p>“I don’t care if you’re not hungry, you haven’t eaten anything, and you need food. It’s kind of important if you want to keep, you know, <em>living</em>.”</p><p>“No.” Zuko dragged his legs tighter into his chest, his chin pressing against his knees as stray hairs from his messed-up ponytail fell into his eyes. “I don’t want to eat anything. I’m fine.”</p><p>Sokka opened his mouth to argue but stopped himself. If there was one thing he knew about Zuko it was that he was stubborn as hell and arguing wasn’t going to get them anywhere. He needed to approach the situation in a different way, in one that would diffuse the tension but keep them from being upset with each other because he didn’t want to risk losing everything they’d built over the last few weeks. So he sat there for a few seconds, watching Zuko stare at the floor in silence as he tried to find a way to make sure that he ate something <em>without</em> making it feel as if he were treating the Fire Lord like a baby when all he wanted to do was make sure that he was okay. His mind froze on that last thought. <em>Make sure that he was okay</em>. That was the solution. Instead of fighting with him or demanding that he do what he needed but didn’t want to do, Sokka walked over to him, sat on his knees, and pulled him into an embrace.</p><p>At first, Zuko seemed really confused and at least somewhat uncomfortable. His entire body stiffened, and he twitched his fingers awkwardly, as if he had no idea what he was meant to do with his hands, but after a few seconds, he managed to ease into it. Zuko slid his arms around Sokka’s back, his arms moving up his shoulders as he finally allowed his knees to relax into a cross-legged position. He pressed his forehead to Sokka’s shoulder and Sokka slid forward so their heads would touch, holding him close. Sokka never thought about it before, but being there, holding Zuko in his arms, he wondered if that was all he ever needed to help him calm down. If the entire time he’d been getting pissed and snippy with them during their final days traveling with Aang, all he really needed was a hug. Someone to remind him that he <em>was </em>appreciated, and he <em>did </em>matter. Maybe that’s what Sokka needed too, as much as he didn’t want to admit to it.</p><p>“What are you doing?” asked Zuko suddenly. His voice was quiet and almost shaking, though he made no move to escape Sokka’s grip. Zuko was warm like a soft blanket, heating up Sokka’s entire body with nothing but his touch. “I was being such a dick and you’re <em>hugging </em>me. Why are you doing that?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Sokka shifted his head out of Zuko’s shoulder, not pulling away but giving himself space to speak. “It seemed like you needed it.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t respond immediately. He nuzzled deeper into Sokka’s grasp, his breathing becoming calmer and steadier as his fingers gripped tightly around the back of Sokka’s shoulders. Though he knew it wasn’t the point, and it was wrong to be thinking about it at such a time, Sokka couldn’t stop his mind from wandering to a place of awe at how soft and beautiful Zuko was. For so long he’d thought he was a bad guy, a spoiled asshole, but he wasn’t. He just needed someone to love him. He needed <em>someone</em> aside from his uncle to talk him down. To help him see that he was more than just the tough, abused Fire Nation Prince he was raised as. That he was more than the person he was taught he was supposed to be when that wasn’t really who he was at all.</p><p>“I wasn’t going to say anything,” Zuko started quietly, his fingers still twisting around the back of Sokka’s shirt, “but I thought it seemed like you needed it too.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter Twenty-Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“…and after that, we’ll have you make the announcements for the plans and they’ll be able to ask questions and such through the rest of the evening. Overall, it should be a pretty cut and dry event, we just need to make sure that you explain everything as clearly as possible so that the Earth Kingdom representatives understand why the slower route is the better one. Thoughts? Fire Lord Zuko? Are you all right?”</p><p>No.</p><p>No, he was absolutely not all right. He was the furthest thing from okay and feeling like he wasn’t okay was only making it worse because fuck, fuck, <em>fuck </em>he was terrible for thinking he was bad person, but he <em>was</em>. It was wrong and disgusting and he knew it, but he couldn’t stop what he was feeling. His mind felt like it was about to burst as he tried to wrap his head around what the hell was happening and keep himself focused on the plans too, knowing he needed to do his job but so afraid of himself and his thoughts that he couldn’t even focus.</p><p>The more he thought about how uncomfortable he was, the more he hated himself for feeling uncomfortable at all. How big of an asshole did he have to be to go in front of an entire nation and declare that it was great and okay and normal, and then turn right around and feel disgusting because of the exact same thing? It was awful. Horrible. He was the biggest piece of shit on the planet and he couldn’t even decide whether that was because he was doing something disgusting or because he believed that it was disgusting when he knew in his heart that it was not.</p><p>“Yes, thank you,” Zuko answered. He could see one of his guards watching him out of the corner of his eye, likely reacting to the fact that he was shaking like he’d just eaten half a pound of sugar. He’d been reaching for his brush but slid his hands back into his lap after noticing just how obvious his anxiety was. “I was just running through everything in my head, I want to make sure this event is solid. Have all the guests been invited?”</p><p>He couldn’t care less about the answer to that question. Yes, he wanted to make sure that the invitations made it to non-politicians because he wanted Toph to show, and he needed to see that Aang actually made the list too since he’d requested that the Avatar be there despite them arguing that it wasn’t really his business (Zuko argued that it was because even though he wasn’t Fire Nation or Earth Kingdom, he was the fucking <em>Avatar</em>), but otherwise, he just didn’t care.</p><p>All he could think about was the fact that he was the very person he never wanted to be. He was the person that he’d tried so hard to avoid becoming ever since he was a child, and in more ways than one. He was the person who hated people for no reason other than being who they were. Being good people and spending their lives with good people. He liked a good person and he despised himself for it because <em>fuck</em>, that wasn’t who he was supposed to be. He was the Fire Lord, for god’s sake. It was okay for other people but not him. <em>Not him</em>.</p><p>“All the invitations have been sent,” a man piped up from the other end of the table. Zuko didn’t bother to look at him, unable to even try. He hadn’t been able to make eye contact all day and no amount of attempts was going to do anything but make him feel like worse about himself. “Though I did find it odd that you only invited the Beifongs’ daughter. Did you want to rectify that? We’ve not received responses from everyone yet, but those who have all said they will be here for the announcements. Do you have any other questions regarding that, or…?”</p><p>That, no. Or, yes. If Zuko could ask any question he wanted to, the question he wanted to ask would most definitely be, ‘how the fuck do you get rid of feelings you don’t want to have?’ Unfortunately, he was sitting in a room full of politicians and not therapists, so there was no chance that any of them would be able to answer with anything coherent. Given who they were, they’d likely recommend that he just lie because that’s what politicians did, but Zuko didn’t think he could. He could lie to other people, yes, and he was perfectly content to do that, but he couldn’t lie to himself. He could try, but he wouldn’t be successful. Not in any sort of timely manner, at least, which pretty much rendered the entire thing pointless because he needed to get rid of his unwanted feelings <em>now</em>.</p><p>“No, that’s all right.” Zuko shook his head, lacing his fingers together on his lap. He gripped down so hard they turned white. The meeting wasn’t even stressful, but he couldn’t think anymore. He was too distracted, and he needed to get himself back together. “And no, I don’t want to ‘rectify’ the thing with the Beifongs, that was intentional. Who was in charge of planning the event? How is that going?”</p><p>“It’s all set to go,” said a woman a few seats down from him. “Though, I was speaking to one of your advisors, and we were thinking this might be a good opportunity to double on intents. We’re aware that you and Mai are no longer together, but we have a list of noblewomen that could be good to bring as your company, for political and publicity reasons. Would you like to review that now?”</p><p>Zuko’s stomach churned. <em>No</em>. He couldn’t deal with that on top of everything else. He couldn’t. He knew that they wanted him to settle down with some nice noblewoman, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it, especially not when he was trying to figure out what the fuck to do about his feelings that were telling him to do the exact opposite of that. Zuko swallowed hard and clenched his fingers further, ignoring the pain as his fingertips stung at the back of his hands. No one could see him, so it didn’t matter. No one would notice so it didn’t matter. He pressed harder. <em>Stop having those thoughts. You need to take one of the noblewomen. You need to stop having those thoughts. You need to stop thinking about boys. You need to stop thinking about </em>him<em>.</em></p><p>“No, no, that’s okay.” He inhaled deeply, refusing to let himself lose it this time. “I don’t think I’ll need anyone to accompany me to this event, but I appreciate the time you took to find those who would be suitable to do so.”</p><p>“Of course.” It was one of his advisors who spoke that time, his tone almost curious. “Though, if I could ask, sir, when do you intend to find someone? Polls show that the people feel far more confident when the Fire Lord has settled down with a woman, and if we can commit you to something—”</p><p>“No. I can’t. I’m not— I’m not even twenty. Just drop it, all right? I’m not bringing anyone.”</p><p>“As you wish, Fire Lord Zuko. I’m merely making a recommendation that you at least get to know a few of these young women, because you’re going to need to marry someday, and when that day comes we must make sure that you’ve settled down with a woman who will—”</p><p>Zuko stood up suddenly, unlatching his hands and throwing them behind his back so he wouldn’t look quite so uncomfortable. He glanced around the room, his eyes running to the floor the moment anyone tried to make eye contact. His head was swirling, and his stomach <em>ached </em>from how much it was spinning, and he needed it to stop. It felt like the walls were caving in around him and he couldn’t deal with it. He needed to get out of there. Zuko didn’t know exactly what he said as he rushed out of the room, just that it was something about having to check on another matter and saying that he’d be back in a minute. He didn’t know if he actually <em>would</em> be back in a minute, but he couldn’t breathe, and he couldn’t be in there anymore. He couldn’t take a poor young woman to the event with him when he was having those shameful feelings that negated anything he could ever feel for her, regardless of who she was.</p><p>When he got out of the room, the door closed behind him, Zuko let out a deep sigh of relief. There was no one in the hallway and just being alone was much easier. He almost stopped right there, thinking he could get himself back in order and return to the meeting, but he couldn’t. His hands were still shaking like hell and standing in the light, he could see just how badly he’d burned the backs of them, and it made it worse. It made it so much worse. Biting down on his lip far too hard for his own good, Zuko turned and headed down the hallway, hoping that a few minutes lying down in his chambers would be enough to calm him down, but it wasn’t. He was too lightheaded and anxious, and he was shaking so badly that he almost fell over. When he lifted his hands to take the crown out of his hair, he saw that his fingers were shaking to the point where it looked like he’d been shot all over again, and <em>that </em>was enough to push him over the edge.</p><p>Instead of turning into his chambers, Zuko slid into the nearest restroom, dropping to his knees in a blur before he emptied his stomach of everything he’d been forced to eat the last few days. He kept trying to explain to people that he didn’t want to eat, but he couldn’t find an unconcerning, non-embarrassing way to tell them that he preferred to just stick to tea because it didn’t make him sick like real food did. He knew it was a problem he needed to fix, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how he was supposed to stop the anxiety from taking over his entire body and rejecting every supposedly healthy thing he did for it. So, instead of trying, he did his best <em>not </em>to do the right things and instead do the things that made him feel the best. Even though that sometimes resulted in him sitting on the cold restroom floor and doing his best not to cry as his stomach rejected each and every bite of food that Sokka, Azula, Mai, and his servants had all but forced him to have.</p><p>Heart pounding, Zuko could feel the sweat slipping down his forehead as he breathed heavily, trying and failing to calm down. He felt like shit and thinking about how he felt like shit just made him feel more like shit. Because, for once, he didn’t think it was the anxiety that was fucking him up, it was the pure disgust at what he was feeling. The uncertainty of whether he was more bothered by the fact that he was having feelings for a boy or the fact that he was bothered by the fact that he was bothered that he was having feelings for a boy. Either way, it was awful. Thinking about it was awful. And when he tried to tell himself it was okay, that Mai said it was okay, the only thing he could see in his head was his father.</p><p>The memories hurt. Ozai shouting at him and telling him that if he <em>ever </em>said <em>anything </em>even <em>remotely </em>homosexual again, he would be severely punished or worse. That pushed him back over the edge and before he knew it, his hair was sliding into his eyes as his face became wetter from either tears or sweat or both and he threw up everything he had left in his stomach. He was coughing, his breath little more than shallow wheezing when he felt the hand on his shoulder, too tired to react to it in the way he wanted as his chest rose and fell painfully. At first, he wasn’t sure what the touch was, but then he realized when cold hands brushed against the back of his neck, gently lifting the sticky strands from it. It was Sokka, carefully pulling his hair from his tearstained face and holding it out of the way. Sokka was holding his hair back.</p><p>Sokka.</p><p>Was.</p><p>Holding.</p><p>His.</p><p>Hair.</p><p>Back.</p><p><em>Sokka was holding his hair back</em>.</p><p>Given the circumstances, it should have made things worse, but for some reason, it didn’t. Instead, he felt a whole different feeling coming over him as embarrassment took over from disgust, and shame for his feelings was replaced by shame for his illness. Though he wanted more than anything for it all to stop, Zuko couldn’t just force his stomach to settle and had to empty the rest of its contents before he could finally begin to relax. His throat burned as he coughed and gagged but Sokka made it slightly more bearable, his cold hands dragging through Zuko’s hair gently and reassuringly. He said nothing, but his presence was comforting and once Zuko finally felt okay, he leaned back into Sokka’s arms instead of scooting away. Sokka lowered Zuko’s hair back down over his shoulders, running his fingers through it a few times before he dropped his arms over Zuko’s and laced his fingers around his stomach.</p><p>Zuko knew it was wrong. Every single part of what they were doing was wrong and what they did after training the other day was wrong too. He shouldn’t let a boy use him as a pillow. He shouldn’t let a boy run his fingers through his hair. But <em>fuck</em>, it felt good. He relaxed into Sokka’s arms, closing his eyes, and breathing deeply as he tried to calm down. Sokka held him tightly, still not saying a word to Zuko’s relief. He didn’t want to speak, and he was grateful that his friend understood that. That he didn’t push him to say anything or explain what happened, just helped him feel safe. Sokka liked him, right? As a friend, for sure, but he <em>was </em>bisexual, like he’d said, so there was a chance that— no. <em>No. Fuck no.</em> He and Sokka were friends. They were just friends. They were becoming really, really close friends but they wouldn’t be more than that because he couldn’t like boys, and <em>nobody</em> could like him. It wasn’t possible, no matter how you looked at it.</p><p>“Are you okay?” asked Sokka suddenly, his voice quiet. In response, Zuko only nodded, unable to form words. He braced himself for Sokka’s next question, uncertain of whether he could find a way to explain what he was feeling without deeply hurting him, but Sokka shocked him by not asking that at all. “Okay.”</p><p>Instead of pushing Zuko to talk, he just held him. He didn’t ask him any other questions, he didn’t try to whisper bullshit reassurances in his ears, he just… sat there. Arms wrapped around him and taking deep breaths that Zuko got the feeling he was supposed to be trying to follow. Sokka’s hands were cold but his embrace was warm, and he almost wanted to keep his eyes closed and fall asleep in his arms right then and there, but he couldn’t. No matter how much he cared about Sokka, no matter how close of friends they were, he couldn’t do it because they could <em>never </em>be more than that. Still, it couldn’t hurt to think about it a little bit…</p><p>…right?</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Though he’d told himself he wasn’t going to fall asleep in Sokka’s arms—for the second time, goddammit, because he’d unintentionally done the same thing after he passed out at the library—when he next opened his eyes, Zuko found that he was no longer on the floor of the restroom, but lying down in his own bed; his blankets draped across him, his hair tied back into a loose braid, and his robe hanging on his bed frame, leaving him in his undershirt and loose-fitting pants.</p><p>He blinked several times as he pushed himself up, eyes adjusting to the streaming light in the room. Great. It was late morning when he got sick, and now it was definitely well past noon. Not only had he failed to return to his meeting, he’d left an entire room of people with no one to take directions from, meaning they could’ve made all the stupid decisions he was trying to avoid and there was nothing he could do about it because it was just a party and they didn’t think it mattered like he did.</p><p>“Hey, Zuzu.” Surprised by the words, Zuko whipped his head around, frowning when he saw Azula lounged out on the bench in the window. She was holding a magazine of some kind but tossed it down when he turned to look at her. “You still feel like shit? Sokka said you were sick earlier.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t answer. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say because yes, he was sick, but no, it wasn’t because he was <em>just</em> sick, it was because he was having feelings that he couldn’t tell anyone about, let alone Azula. She was just as ingrained in Father’s ways as he was and he couldn’t imagine what the response would be if he told her that he was going against everything they’d ever been taught, despite how hard he tried to make the feelings go away. And he <em>definitely </em>couldn’t tell her that when he was lying back in Sokka’s arms, or even when Sokka was just being silly and using him as a pillow, something even stranger came over him and Zuko didn’t <em>want </em>the feelings to go away. He wanted to indulge in them and the idea of that was so amazing it made him feel even sicker.</p><p>“Okay, don’t answer. That’s fine. There’s tea on the table, I thought you might want it.” When Zuko again failed to respond, not knowing what the hell he was supposed to say to her strangely comforting tone, Azula went on; her words becoming more serious. “All right, you want to talk about it? Are you actually sick this time or did you have another panic attack? You don’t have to lie to me, I know what it’s like. I went through my own fair share with Ena. Actually, if you don’t like the tea, I could give you a thousand different disgusting remedies she brought to make me feel better.”</p><p>“No thanks.” Zuko shook his head, leaning back against the pillows behind him. He knew it was a stupid question he was going to ask next, but he couldn’t stop himself. He had to know. “Who braided my hair?”</p><p>“Oh, that was Sokka. He said something about learning how to do it for his sister after their mother died? Or something about his dad’s hair, maybe? I don’t know, I stopped listening when he started getting all sappy. Now, are you going to answer my question? Because if you had another panic attack, I’d be happy to go find whoever was bothering you and give them a piece of my—”</p><p>“Please don’t take out your pent-up rage on my staff, and yes, I know that’s your real motive for it. I’m fine, Azula. I don’t think it was a panic attack.”</p><p>“Then what was it?” Azula’s tone was not curious nor concerned, just holding that aggressive, distinctly Azula twinge where she was almost demanding an answer. Despite wanting to explain, to say that he felt sick because he thought he was, he couldn’t. He stayed silent. “Zuzu, saying nothing is only going to make me want to take my pent-up rage out on you instead. Please, just tell me. I have been wanting to deck someone for a while now. All you have to do is give me a name and I’ll—”</p><p>“Stop. I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>She didn’t let up. “I’m not joking. I want to help you. I’m trying to be a better person and a better sister, and I can’t do that if you keep shielding yourself from me. I’m not the psycho who scarred you anymore, I’m your sister. Just tell me what happened.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Because I <em>can’t</em>, Azula. I can’t.” His tone was harsh, his words dripping with the anger he’d always struggled so hard to control. He didn’t even know who or what he was mad at anymore, but he couldn’t stop to care. “You can ask as much as you want but I can’t tell you and I’m never going to so let’s just cut the bullshit now, all right? Just shut the fuck up.”</p><p>“No.” Azula shook her head, swinging her legs over the side of the bench as she crossed her arms against her chest. “Tell me. <em>Please</em>. I’m not going to punch out your staff or make fun of you or anything, I swear. I just want to know what’s going on. I don’t like being left out of things.”</p><p>“You’re not being left out of anything and I’m not keeping it from you because I think you’ll make fun of me, I’m keeping it from you because I’m ashamed, all right? I’m ashamed and I know that if I say something, you’re going to hate me, and I don’t know what to do. I just got you here, we finally started to repair our fucked-up relationship, and I just need time to fix this without anyone’s help. I can’t tell anyone. I can’t. I’m the Fire Lord, Azula. I can’t be this. I can’t.”</p><p>“Seriously, it’s fine. Look, I know that being Princess is not the same as being Fire Lord, but my mental health is all over the place and it has been, and the people are fine with it. I was <em>terrified </em>when I first came home because I thought everyone would hate me when I was back in the public eye, but I guess they took pity on me since I was a child. I know that it’s scary to tell people when you’re struggling, but I didn’t do it. I didn’t even tell myself and you saw what happened. I was so bad you put me in a fucking asylum.”</p><p>“I didn’t want that to happen and you know it.” Zuko shoved his hands through his hair, tugging at the strands that were too short for his braid. He wanted Azula to stop asking questions, to stop pushing for more when he couldn’t talk about it, but he didn’t know what else to say. She was impossible and he wasn’t strong enough to stop her. As a last-ditch resort, he decided to give her the truth in a way that he hoped would deter her prodding. “Azula, please. Just stop asking. I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not anything to do with my mental health and I can’t— I don’t know what to do and I can’t deal with people knowing yet. Or ever.”</p><p>“All right, listen to me.” Azula sighed, her expression softening. “I’m not going to be mad at you. I’m not going to make fun of you. I’m not going to tell anyone. I’m not going to deck any of your staff. I’m not going to do anything else that you think might happen if you explain what’s going on. So, just tell me. I know that I always felt a thousand times better when I spoke to Ena about what was bothering me, and I think you should do the same. Please.”</p><p>“Why are you trying to help me? I know you’re supposedly trying to be a good person now, but I don’t get it. You’ve always hated me so why are you acting like you want to be my friend?”</p><p>“Because you’re my brother, you idiot, and I’m terrified of losing you because if you die or end up in an institution then the throne is mine and I can’t handle that so please, <em>please </em>just tell me what’s going on. I know I’m not the nicest or the most compassionate person in the world, but I will help you through it. I will. Or I’ll try, at least.”</p><p>Zuko swallowed hard, opening, and closing his mouth several times before he got up the nerve to say anything. “I didn’t have a panic attack. I don’t think so, at least, I— I was just— I felt so <em>guilty</em> and then I was so <em>ashamed </em>of the guilt. I’ve— for the last few days, I've been— I mean, it’s been a little longer but not really until— the other day, I was helping Sokka with his training, and then we finished and we were going to lie down for a bit and he— I—”</p><p>He cut himself off, staring down at his slightly shaking hands, which he suddenly realized were wrapped in tight bandages. Sokka must’ve noticed the burns on his hands. Zuko froze. He couldn’t take the burden of how it he felt when he found them, how his heart must have dropped into his stomach when he saw that Zuko had actually hurt himself again after <em>weeks</em> of doing nothing. He took a deep breath, biting down on his lip before noticing that hurt too. How much had he been doing that recently that he’d actually managed to wear down the skin to a point that it hurt to bite down on it?</p><p>“I never even considered it as anything at all but then something happened and Mai told me that she thought—” Zuko cut himself off, inhaling deeply as he did his best to steady his breath. “I was confused and I think I’m just going off of that because I’m stressed and I don’t know what real friendship is but the problem is that I think she was right and I don’t know what to do because I know that I think a lot of girls are nice like Mai and Ty Lee and Katara and Suki but I can’t— I don’t like being around them as much as I like being around Sokka and I don’t know what to do because I know it’s wrong and I want it to stop but I can’t stop it. I just keep thinking about it and thinking about it and I think— I think I like boys and I can’t— I can’t stop it. I don’t know how to stop it.”</p><p>“Okay, twinkie, I need you to calm down for a second. Just take a deep breath, all right? You’re getting yourself all worked up.” Azula’s tone was weirdly gentle as she sighed and leaned forward, her hands clasped together in front of her. “First thing, I can’t say I’m surprised. Well, I could, but it would be a lie since I already knew, so—”</p><p>His jaw dropped. “<em>What?</em> How?!”</p><p>“You’re a fucking theater nerd, Zuko. I mean, look, I’m sorry, but you literally could not be any gayer. Seriously, I thought you knew. I did. Between how you used to panic when Father talked about homosexuals and the way you always get so weird when girls touch you, it’s just really obvious.” His heart was pounding so hard, he could barely even register the humor in Azula’s tone and couldn’t tell whether she was trying to make him feel better or worse. “Actually, I thought the whole thing with Mai was a joke too. I thought maybe she was like your beard or you were just trying to look more hetero for Father or something, but now I don’t know what you were going for. I— Zuzu, did you seriously not realize you were into guys? Because I’m not trying to be rude, but I figured that out when we were like, ten. I’m not even joking.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.” The words came out of his mouth before he could even register what he was saying. Was it really that obvious? And if she could tell, how many other people knew too? “I don’t want this. I just— I don’t know how to make it go away.”</p><p>“You don’t need to make it go away. You’re fine. Why did you think I was going to be mad? You know one of my best friends is a lesbian. Actually, I’m fairly sure both of them are into girls at least a little. I’ve always thought they would be a really cute couple. You know, balancing each other out and all.”</p><p>Again, her tone was almost humorous, but her face fell when she stopped talking. She wandered over to the table beside Zuko’s bed and poured him a cup of tea, holding it out for him to take. He hesitated before reaching out for it, staring down at the steam rather than taking a sip. Azula let out a long breath, sitting on the edge of the of the bed beside him.</p><p>“Here. I don’t really do hugs, but I know tea makes it feel like Uncle is with you, right? You’re fine, Zuzu, seriously. No one is mad at you but yourself. You want to fuck Sokka? That’s fine. Great. I was actually on the fence about whether or not you were already doing that. You’re very clearly into each other, so you might as well just do something about it.”</p><p>“He’s not into me, and even if he was, I wouldn’t—”</p><p>“Can we not do that? I think we’ve both done enough self-deprecating to last us a lifetime. For right now, let’s just say it’s all right to do whatever we want, okay? We’re young. You want to fuck guys, you fuck guys. I don’t even know who I like, and I don’t really care. I’m just enjoying being my own person for once, and if you want to do that too, that’s fine. Or if you want to mope around in your own puddle of internalized homophobia, that’s all right too. Just let me know which prison you’re keeping Father in so I can go deck him myself.” She nudged Zuko’s shoulder, flicking the bottom of his braid playfully. “Seriously, Zuzu, it’s okay. Thanks for telling me. I’ve been waiting to hear that for years now.”</p><p>Zuko opened his mouth to respond but didn’t get a chance before the door opened and Sokka walked in with a tray of berries and bread, stopping in the doorway when he saw that Azula and Zuko were already in the middle of something. He gestured as if asking whether he should leave, but Azula declined, declaring that she would be the one to head out instead. She gave Zuko’s shoulder one last squeeze as she rose from the bed, silently mouthing the words, “<em>You’re fine</em>.”</p><p>He got over the first hurdle. Now all he had to do was believe that was true.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter Twenty-Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When he woke up that morning, Sokka wasn’t intending to have to take over from an entire fucking party planning committee. In fact, he wasn’t intending to have anything to do with the event at all, and he barely had the motivation to drag himself out of bed. After he first opened his eyes, Sokka felt ready to face the day, but then he started to sit up, caught a glimpse of his arm at just the wrong angle in the sunlight, and shoved his head back under the blankets. It was stupid. It was so, <em>so </em>stupid because he should’ve been used to the scars at that point and they shouldn’t have made him feel like shit about himself, but they did. Every single time.</p><p>It took forty-five minutes of lying around, but eventually, Sokka convinced himself to get up. Still, his heart didn’t stop racing until his wrappings were around both arms, partially covered by his soft blue sleeves. Upon leaving his room, he <em>still </em>had no intentions of involving himself with the event, as he was part of the behind-the-scenes work with the colonies and that was enough. Because that <em>was </em>what the event was for, of course—a chance for Zuko to meet with the Earth Kingdom in person and discuss what would be happening with their people. There was no reason for Sokka to get involved with the publicity work. So, he decided to go straight over to the dining hall and grab something to eat.</p><p>Halfway there, dragging his feet across the floor and rubbing the sleep from his eye, he heard a sound which made him stop and backtrack several steps. To his knowledge, Zuko was supposed to be in a meeting that morning, but if his ears were not deceiving him, the Fire Lord was in no such place. Rather than sitting in his meeting, Zuko was throwing up in the restroom nearest to his chambers, his breathing so shaky and his coughing so rough that Sokka could hear it through the door. He pushed said door open slowly, kneeling down behind Zuko and gently tugging at the hair stuck to his cheeks and his neck, holding the growing strands back and away from his face.</p><p>Zuko continued to heave, his entire body pale and shaking as everything Sokka managed to get him to eat exited his system. He coughed for a painful minute, then finally quieted, taking deep, shuddering breaths in place of speaking. Sokka almost expected Zuko to stand up and act like nothing happened, despite how obviously ill he was, but he didn’t. Instead, he just took another long, painful breath, and leaned back into Sokka’s arms, resting his head back against his chest. He closed his eyes almost as soon as he relaxed, and Sokka felt his hands taking over from his body. He dragged his fingers through Zuko’s hair a few more times after draping it back over his shoulders, then reached his arms around Zuko’s chest and laced his fingers together across his stomach. Zuko still didn’t move, just sitting silently with his eyes closed and his chest rising and falling as his breathing slowly began to stabilize.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Sokka asked quietly, leaning closer to the right before he spoke. He didn’t know what he was expecting, but when Zuko responded with nothing but a tired nod, he wasn’t surprised. “Okay.”</p><p>He sat there with Zuko for a few more minutes, neither of them saying a word. After a certain point, Sokka realized that Zuko was asleep, and decided it would be best just to take him right back to bed. He wasn’t sure whether he was just that strong or Zuko was just skipping that many meals, but he managed to carry him all the way back to his room without a problem. Sokka set him down on his bed, carefully removing his robes so he’d be more comfortable before he draped the blankets over Zuko’s pale, sleeping figure. While he was very clearly sick, Sokka thought Zuko looked rather peaceful as he slept, though his hair was still in the way. Sokka had found the crown on the floor near him in the restroom and upon realizing he still had it on his person, he set it down on the table beside Zuko’s bed. Then, his hands again moving faster than his mind, he grabbed a tie from the table and slid onto the bed beside the Fire Lord, holding it between his teeth as he dragged his fingers back through Zuko’s hair.</p><p>In his defense, he hadn’t learned how to braid hair for himself. When he and Katara were little, their mom used to always braid Katara’s hair for her, and when she passed, Katara had to start doing it herself. It was hard for her sometimes, though, so Sokka learned how to do it so he could help her when she needed it (and because it was fun and he always wanted to learn how, but he didn’t want to tell her that as she already made too many jokes about his hair). Zuko’s hair wasn’t quite long enough for a proper braid but it was at a length where Sokka could at least tie it back, and he wanted to do it if only to get the sweaty tangles out of his eyes. So, he pulled Zuko’s soft locks back into a messy braid, his mind wandering to the Fire Lord’s beautiful sleepy face as his fingers did the delicate work. He was halfway through tying the bottom of it when the door suddenly opened, and he nearly leapt out of his shoes.</p><p>“What the fuck are you doing?” asked Azula, crossing her arms against her chest. She wasn’t angry, but almost smirking, as if she were amused by the situation. “Are you <em>braiding </em>Zuzu’s hair?”</p><p>Sokka pulled the knot tight and slid away quickly, hopping to his feet on the side of the bed. “Uh, yeah. My mom used to do it for Katara, and after she died I learned how, and I thought it seemed like— you know what? It doesn’t matter. What are you doing here?”</p><p>“I was looking for the Fire Lord. Apparently he just ran off in the middle of a meeting. Any idea why that might be?”</p><p>“He’s sick. He was— I don’t know. He was throwing up. Did you say he was in a meeting? With who?”</p><p>And that was how Sokka ended up in Zuko’s seat, heading a meeting about something he didn’t know anything about. No one wanted to listen to him at first, but after he assured them that he was completely in the know and he’d been sent by Zuko himself following his unexpected leave to take care of something else, they relaxed and let him talk. Thankfully, Sokka was exceptionally good at babbling and bullshitting his way through things, but not as thankfully, he wasn’t great at talking in front of people and his bullshit babbling often downgraded into awkward stumbling through his words. He was glad he went all the same, though, because people were making bad decisions. Unbelievably bad decisions. Decisions that Sokka was very, very, wholeheartedly certain Zuko would not have approved of if he were in the room.</p><p>The first terrible decision Sokka stopped from going through was the idea to move the event from the banquet room to the courtyard. That was a no. Sokka had only been there for a month (Two months?) and even he knew that Zuko didn’t like people messing up the courtyard. In fact, the very thought of it seemed to freak him out, though Sokka wasn’t entirely sure why. The second terrible decision was to make the event happen later in the evening. Sokka was very much not a morning person, but Zuko was the absolute worst at staying up late. He did it, yes, far too much for his own good, but that didn’t mean he was in any way coherent after a certain hour and the politicians didn’t seem to realize that. And the third terrible decision was the horrendous idea to import food. Why would they ever, <em>ever </em>import food when there were such amazing vendors right there in the capital? Yes, Sokka was biased towards the fire flake guy, but still. What a waste of resources.</p><p>By the time the meeting was over, Sokka felt confident that he’d averted at least a dozen disasters and created a party which would be at least somewhat tolerable. Plus, he’d managed to occupy his entire morning <em>and </em>helped get Zuko some much needed sleep, so it was all good, right? Except it wasn’t. Because as soon as that thought entered his mind, a whole new wave of guilt struck him. He felt proud that he’d helped Zuko get sleep. He was glad that he could help someone sleep in more and felt great about himself for stepping up even though it was out of his comfort zone. Exactly the way his family must’ve been trying to do for him back at the tribe. They didn’t want to push him away, they just wanted to help. They didn’t think he was useless, just like he didn’t think Zuko was useless, he just needed some sleep. He just needed to stop pushing himself past a point that he couldn’t mentally handle. He needed to stop acting like he was upset that people were pushing him away when he was the one who was fucking over himself.</p><p>Sokka shook himself off, stuffing the last of Zuko’s things into his hands before he headed out of the meeting room. He just had to drop those things off, and then he could go get some lunch. Not just for himself, but for Zuko too. After everything that happened, there was no way he was going to eat anything without some prodding. Knowing that anything fancy would likely be too much to stomach, Sokka requested the chef give him some bread and various berries, hoping that Zuko wouldn’t push that away, even if he only took a few bites of it.</p><p>He shifted the plate in his hands, opening the door to Zuko’s bedroom with his elbow. He wasn’t sure whether Zuko would actually be awake when he got back, but Azula said she would look after him so either way he knew he was fine. What he didn’t expect, however, was to come into the room to find Azula and Zuko both sitting on the bed, serious expressions on their faces. When they turned to look at him, Sokka gestured awkwardly, asking whether he should leave, but Azula shook her head. She gave Zuko a squeeze on the shoulder, mouthing something that Sokka couldn’t see before she turned and headed out of the room, giving Sokka just one glance before she closed the door behind her.</p><p>“Hungry?” asked Sokka, utterly clueless as to how he should follow that.</p><p>Zuko hesitated but nodded. As per Sokka’s prediction, he only ate a little bit, but he tried and that was enough.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Though he was not particularly keen to participate when he first heard about the “party”, Sokka grew more and more excited as he learned about the details.</p><p>First and foremost, Aang and Toph were both on the guest list. Toph because she was technically an Earth Kingdom noble and Zuko could get away with giving her an invitation, and Aang because even though he wasn’t part of the Earth Kingdom or the Fire Nation, he was the Avatar and that was apparently enough for Zuko to have cause to invite him too (Sokka knew it was only because he wanted to see his friend, not because of politics, but he didn’t say anything). Neither of them had formally accepted their invitations, but Sokka was hopeful that they would both come. Not just because he missed them, but because the other two things that he was excited for were the food and the entertainment, and though those could be very exciting things, neither were as great as getting to spend time with the people he cared about.</p><p>Of course, that was the other thing on Sokka’s mind. He found out after taking over Zuko’s meeting that the people he was meeting with apparently wanted him to have a date for the event, which he’d refused. That put the idea in Sokka’s head that <em>he </em>could be Zuko’s date. Not that he actually would, but just the concept of that he <em>could</em> was something that got stuck in his mind and he couldn’t get rid of it. He doubted it would be much different from their interactions now, since Zuko was easily flustered by public displays of affection—and private ones too—but it was still fun to imagine that they could hold hands in public, for a reason that wasn’t just comforting Zuko when he was shaking uncontrollably. Not that Zuko would ever want to do that but it was Sokka’s fantasy and if he wanted to think about it in the comfort of his own mind then that was okay, right? Even the citizens of the Water Tribe didn’t believe it was bad to <em>think </em>about it, they just got weird when you <em>acted </em>on it. So as long as he kept his thoughts in his own head, everything would be fine.</p><p>Except every time he found himself on his own with Zuko, talking to him and joking about this and that, it got harder to keep the thoughts inside his head. He didn’t know if it was just because they’d been spending so much time around each other that they got so close, but something felt like it was more than friendship. At least, more than any friendship he’d ever known. Zuko was usually quiet, save for when he got lost in a babble, and yet every word he said was precious. His mannerisms were distinct and soft, though he always spoke and acted like he was nothing but tough (Sokka didn’t count his meltdowns as part of his personality, so that vulnerability didn’t get credit towards what he was actually trying to present to the world). He was awkward with physical touch but always eased into it sweetly, in a way that made Sokka want to find any excuse to nudge him in the shoulder or drop an arm around him in a way that made him feel safe. His favorite way to do this was when they went out in the courtyard, because Sokka could just pull out a joke and then drop an arm around Zuko’s shoulders, and he didn’t seem to notice the ploy.</p><p>It was during one of those walks around the courtyard when Appa flew into view.</p><p>Zuko just stopped walking, but Sokka’s eyes practically flew out of his head as he tore his arm away from Zuko, shouting Aang’s name excitedly. He turned and ran over to where Appa always landed when they’d visited Zuko before, a massive smile on his face. He hadn’t seen Aang in months, nor Appa or Momo, and just the idea of hanging out with them already had him bouncing up and down. Zuko rolled his eyes at Sokka’s excitement, though he looked like he was pretty happy too. They made it over to the landing area right as Appa flew down, and Sokka’s grin widened even larger when he saw that Aang and Momo had a third passenger with them on Appa, who looked uncomfortable as ever to be riding the flying creature.</p><p>“Toph!” Sokka didn’t wait for Toph to reach the ground, practically pulling her out of Appa’s saddle as Aang breezed to the dirt.</p><p>“Put me down!” cried Toph, pounding on his back. Sokka knew she wasn’t mad, because she didn’t hit him nearly as hard as she could have. He put her down anyway, and that time she gave his forearm a hell of a hit. “Next time you stand between me and my sweet dirt, I won’t let you off with just a warning.”</p><p>“Sure, you will, I know you love me. Aang!”</p><p>“Hey, Sokka!” Aang pulled away from where he was giving Zuko a fat hug to run over to Sokka, giving him one of similar ferocity. “What are you doing in the Fire Nation? I thought you were running the Southern Water Tribe with Chief Hakoda. Is Katara here too?”</p><p>“Uh, no.” Sokka shook his head after they separated, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. “No, just me. I came here for, er, business reasons, and I’ve just been hanging out with Zuko ever since, I guess. We’ve been working on changing laws and uprooting the colonies and stuff. It’s actually been a lot of fun. What about you? How did you end up with Toph?”</p><p>“Well, I didn’t find her, she found me. I was doing some stuff in Gaoling and I was just taking a nap on Appa’s tail and suddenly I was being attacked. I thought it was that angry cabbage guy at first but it was just Toph asking if she could tag along. Or, telling me she was going to tag along. I didn’t really get a say in the matter, but I don’t mind. I like the company. Though, there <em>have </em>been a lot of people wondering why I’m traveling with an angry earthbender for the last few months.”</p><p>“Months? Toph, I thought you patched things up with your parents. You said that’s what you did after you went home, right?”</p><p>“Not exactly.” Toph was lying on the ground in the middle of an indent shaped like an angel and continued to flap her arms through it when she spoke. “I stayed with some of the other pro earthbenders ‘til I finally got the courage to go see my parents, and then we fought. A <em>lot</em>. I won, of course, and now our relationship is built on the fact that I cannot be grounded, and I may come and go as I please. It’s not a mutual agreement but I think they’re used to it by now. They haven’t sent any more kidnappers after me, at least. Anyway, it was nice to be home for a bit, but it was just too boring, so when Twinkle Toes here came along, I decided to just hang out with him. It’s been fun. He does his Avatar stuff and I get to yell at all the bitches who are mean to him.”</p><p>“For the record,” said Aang, “I didn’t ask her to do that.”</p><p>“Of course, you didn’t.” Sokka sighed, moving to drape an arm around Aang’s shoulders, but was stopped by something grabbing his forearm. He beamed all over again. “Momo, buddy! How you been? Aw, that’s great. Hey, you know, speaking of animals, I’ve been meaning to talk to Toph about how she stole Hawky.”</p><p>Toph’s jaw dropped, and Sokka stumbled as the ground beneath him lurched. “I did <em>not </em>steal your bird.”</p><p>“Yeah, you did. You sent a letter to your mom with him right after I got him, and then he never came back. He was missing for two years, Toph, and when I finally found him, he was carrying <em>your </em>letter! I’m sorry, but the evidence is damning.”</p><p>“All right, whatever, Snoozles.” She flipped a finger his direction, to which Sokka feigned offense. He almost opened his mouth to say something but stopped when he realized that her body language said she wasn’t paying attention to him anymore. “Hey, Zuko. Is everything okay? You’ve been quiet.”</p><p>Blinking rapidly as if he were surprised to be included in the conversation, Zuko nodded quickly. “Yeah, sure. I’m just tired, I’ve been really busy getting everything ready for the event. Speaking of, you do know that you’re ridiculously early, right?”</p><p>“Yup!” Aang smiled, bouncing back over to Zuko. “I didn’t have anything else to do until your party so Toph and I decided to just come here and hang out with you—and apparently Sokka—until then.”</p><p>“It’s not a party, it’s a political gathering. If it were a party, I wouldn’t have to make any damn speeches.”</p><p>“Either way, I think it’s going to be fun. What about you, Momo?” He looked straight into the eyes of the lemur crawling onto his shoulder, nodding along as if the chirps actually meant something to him. “Me too. So, what have you guys been doing around here for fun? There’s no way you’re just sitting around doing political stuff, right?”</p><p>
  <em>No, I’m having an endless crisis and Zuko has a breakdown two or three times a week to keep things spicy.</em>
</p><p>“Nah.” Sokka shook his head, keeping the gleeful expression on his face. <em>Man</em> was it good to see his friends again. “I do a lot of reading. Zuko just drinks tea. A lot of it. I don’t know how much fun it really is, but he seems to enjoy it. Right?”</p><p>Zuko shrugged, a look crossing his face. “Hey, I actually have to get to a meeting, but you guys make yourselves at home, all right? I’ll see you at dinner.”</p><p>None of them spoke when Zuko walked away, leaving Sokka to wonder whether he was the only one concerned by his sudden exit. He was slightly torn—knowing on the one hand that Zuko <em>did </em>have a meeting that afternoon, and on the other that he was abnormally quiet—but couldn’t bring himself to dwell on the situation for too long because <em>Toph and Aang were there.</em> He wrapped an arm around each of them suddenly, yanking them into another hug and grinning even wider when Momo landed on his head trying to get in on it. Appa roared too, so they split up and all dove into his fur as he was a tad too big to include in their little group hug. After a few seconds, they all pulled away, dropping down onto the ground beneath them. Aang and Sokka leaned back against Appa, while Toph flopped back into the dirt, creating yet another Toph-shaped hole in the grass.</p><p>“So, what’s up with Shaky?” asked Toph casually, using her hands as a pillow as she turned her head to the sky. When Sokka froze and Aang’s eyes widened in concern, she elaborated. “I’m serious, he was shaking like crazy. Is he scared of us or something?”</p><p>“Uh, no.” Sokka shook his head quickly, again rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to find an explanation that Toph would accept and which would also not give away everything that he was pretty sure Zuko didn’t want them to know. He hesitated before he spoke, ensuring that nothing he said was a lie so he could fly under Toph’s radar. “He’s just been really tired recently and he keeps forgetting to eat. I know he was excited to see you guys, so if he was shaking, he probably just forgot to have lunch again. It’s been happening a <em>lot</em>.”</p><p>“Did something happen?” Aang’s tone was filled with fear for his friend.</p><p>“No, no, everything is fine, I think, he’s just really bad at taking care of himself.” The first part was a lie. He knew there was more going on. He glanced over at Toph, who didn’t move. “But we’re working on it, so it’s not a big deal. Let’s talk about you guys instead. What have you been doing the last few months? Lots of fun Avatar stuff?”</p><p>Toph shrugged. “I guess. You want to tell us what you’re really doing in the Fire Nation? I know you were lying when you said you were here for business reasons, Sokka. Plus, you’re so obsessed with the tribe it’s just stupid that you’d ditch them for this boiling shit show, no matter how good the food is.”</p><p>“I—” Sokka’s chest deflated as his expression fell, sighing deeply. “Promise you're not going to hate me for this, okay? Because I— I really messed up here and honestly, I don't know what to do about it.”</p><p>“Of course.” Aang dragged his fingers across his heart, while Toph simply grunted and nodded. “Is everything all right, Sokka?”</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah, it’s fine, it’s— I don’t know, actually. I haven’t even thought about it for more than a few minutes in weeks because I’ve been so busy with all this Fire Nation stuff, but I guess, when you boil down to it, I kind of ran away from home?” Toph sat up quickly, and Aang’s eyes went wide. They were both giving him knowing looks in their own way, and Sokka realized only then that they’d both run away too. Suddenly, he felt a thousand times more comfortable talking to them, knowing they’d gone through the same thing. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. Everyone said I was working too hard and I should take a break, so I went to Kyoshi Island to visit Suki and we broke up. We’re still friends but I felt weird staying and there was a ship leaving for the Fire Nation so I just kind of hitched a ride? And I know it was so stupid, but I don’t know. I didn’t want to go home but I didn’t think I could stay there either.”</p><p>“Wait, what happened at the tribe?” asked Toph. Her tone was more compassionate than it was before, genuinely curious as to how she could help. “If you want to talk about it. We won’t make you.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay. I was just really tired, I guess. I don’t know. I had a lot of responsibilities and I kept piling on more over time and I think I was kind of in over my head but I didn’t know what to do about it and there’s this other thing that— well, it’s not really important but it’s bothered me for a really long time and it was getting worse and… I don’t know. I don’t really want to talk about that, but basically, I just made a lot of really stupid decisions right in a row and now I don’t know what to do. As soon as I got here, I realized I was being stupid and I tried to get home, but then I ran into Zuko, and I panicked, and things just got out of hand. I wasn’t even going to stay but he— I shouldn’t say. It just all happened really fast and I haven’t talked to anyone from the tribe since I left I tried to send them a letter but nobody responded and I— I know it’s stupid, but I’m terrified that they hate me or something and I just— I can’t believe I left them like that.”</p><p>Aang wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “It’s all right, Sokka. If there’s one thing I know about your family, it’s that they love you. They could never hate you. If you just tell them the truth about what happened, I know they’ll understand. Remember when I came out of my coma and I ran off on my own? Katara wasn’t even mad at me, she was just glad I was okay. If you haven’t talked to anyone from the tribe since you left, then… I <em>know</em> they’ll just be relieved to see you again too.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Toph nodded. “Even my shitty parents weren’t mad when I came home. I mean, they were mad after I started changing all their rules on them, but when I first got home, they just cried a lot because I wasn’t dead. I’m sure Katara and Chief Hakoda will feel the same way. Well, Katara will probably hit you first for scaring her, but then she’ll be glad to see you. And your dad will forgive anything you do. Seriously. Have you met the guy?”</p><p>“Thanks guys.” Tears built in Sokka’s eyes, but he laughed and brushed them away. He’d been so afraid to admit to what he did wrong and suddenly, it didn’t seem like a big deal anymore. His friends were fine with it and were insistent that his family would be too, even if they hadn’t responded to his letter. He tried not to think about why. “Seriously. I’ve never run away from my responsibilities like that before. I was kind of freaking out.”</p><p>“I could tell. Your heart rate’s been all over the place this whole time but it’s beating almost twice as fast as it should be right now.”</p><p>“You know, if you want to go home,” said Aang, “Appa and I can give you a ride. It’ll be a lot faster than going by boat, and I can come with you for moral support and stuff. I’ve been wanting to go visit Katara anyway, so it’s not out of the way or anything.”</p><p>“No, that’s okay.” Sokka shook his head quickly. He wasn’t ready to face them yet. “Thanks for the offer, Aang, and I might take you up on that later, but not right now. I need to stay here with Zuko. At least until the event is over. I made a commitment and I need to honor it. It doesn’t matter what’s going on with me. It’s already been like, six weeks or more. It can wait a few more days.”</p><p>“You know what’s <em>really </em>annoying?” Toph sighed and flopped back into the dirt, blowing her hair out of her face. “I can’t tell if you’re lying or not because your heart’s still racing so fast from telling us all that stuff about you leaving.”</p><p>“I’m not lying, and besides, I think you should get your lie detector fixed because it seems like it’s pretty faulty, considering you weren’t even able to tell that <em>you </em>were lying.”</p><p>“I did not steal your bird!”</p><p>“No, you’re right, you didn’t.” Sokka relaxed back into Appa’s fur for mere seconds before he sat straight up and jabbed a finger in Toph’s direction. “You <em>bird-napped </em>him!”</p><p>Normally, Sokka probably would’ve regretted what he said seconds after Toph bruised the hell out of his shin with one kick of her ankle, but not that time. He’d been so scared for so long, and his friends made him feel like everything was going to be fine. They were right, of course—no matter what happened, or how mad they were at him for leaving, his family could <em>never </em>hate him. And with that knowledge (and the comfort that he had painkillers to cure the throbbing from Toph’s kick), for the first time since he’d left the Water Tribe, he felt like everything might just turn out okay.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter Twenty-Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zuko genuinely didn’t intend to run out on his friends the way he had, he just couldn’t stand there and watch them anymore.</p><p>All three of them—even Sokka, who he <em>knew </em>was struggling with a shitload of stuff at the moment—were so happy. Hugging and smiling and joking around like nothing happened and he couldn’t do it. He wanted to. He wanted to join in on their laughter and grins and pretend that everything was okay, but he couldn’t. He accepted a hug from Aang but then watched them in silence, unable to force himself to join the conversation until Toph asked whether he was all right. Even then he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to be happy and he didn’t know how to interact with people who were, so he excused himself to a stuffy meeting with stuffy people that he had no interest in talking to.</p><p>Unsurprisingly, the meeting was dull too and he spent the entire time thinking about what his friends were off doing without him, which somehow led him to wondering what his <em>uncle</em> was doing without him. Was he just serving tea? Taking a day off to go to the park? Spending time with the customers? Relaxing at the apartment? It was the most ridiculous thought loop he was stuck in, but he couldn’t get himself out of it. He wanted to know where everyone was. He wanted to know what they were all doing and whether they were thinking about him too or if they’d just forgotten about him like everyone did. And then he just made things weird because he asked Azula to eat dinner with them and she said no, but he insisted. Suddenly, everyone was confused because the psycho chick who tried to kill them was at the dinner table and Sokka and Zuko had to insist that she was fine and safe and it worked out okay but Toph and Aang still looked weird and dinner was weird and he just wanted all of it to <em>stop</em>.</p><p>“Hey, Zuko, are you sure everything is okay?” He snapped back to attention when he heard Aang say his name; his shaking hands dropping his utensils as he looked to him with wide eyes. That was a bad move. Aang looked more concerned than he did before. “Sorry, I’m not trying to pry, it’s just that this food is really, really good and you haven’t eaten anything.”</p><p>His gaze flickered over to Sokka, but he didn’t quite know why. “No, I’m fine. I was just thinking about this meeting I had earlier. I guess I’m just not that hungry. I might just go to bed; I have a lot I have to take care of tomorrow.”</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka’s voice was barely above a whisper when he grabbed Zuko’s forearm, and Zuko was only able to process the word through lipreading. Before he went on, Sokka glanced over at the others, who were of course all looking at them. He kept his voice low. “Please eat something.”</p><p>And, well, fuck. He didn’t want to sit back down, and he didn’t want to eat his stupid food, but Sokka’s eyes were so kind and his touch was so soft that Zuko couldn’t resist. He stared at Sokka for a few long seconds, then blinked and nodded as he slid back down into his chair. He could feel everyone’s eyes—and Toph’s feet—on him as he did so, but the only gaze that really mattered was Sokka’s. His pretty blue eyes and the way he mouthed ‘thank you’ when Zuko picked up his chopsticks again, despite not wanting to be at the dinner table at all. There was something about him, some quality that Zuko couldn’t identify, that put butterflies in his stomach and made him want to stare at Sokka for the entire evening even when his other friends and his sister were right there trying to make conversation. He was just so nice and so beautiful, and he was giving Zuko a fucking life crisis because goddammit he was <em>hot</em>.</p><p>Not that he could think about that now. Or ever, but especially not while he was sitting in the middle of a dining table filled with people who were probably far too aware of the fact that he spent several seconds staring at Sokka even though it was Aang who asked if he was okay. There were people sitting all around them, not just his friends but his bodyguards too and the servers who came in and out, all who were probably staring and thinking, “Huh, looks like the Fire Lord is a homosexual.” His heart pounded in his chest. He glanced around the room, waiting for someone to yell at him, to be mad that he was showing a level of affection for a boy that wasn’t acceptable in any shape or form, <em>especially </em>not in the palace, but it didn’t happen. No one said anything about it. Not one goddamn word.</p><p>“So anyway,” said Azula suddenly, breaking up Zuko’s inflicted silence, “I suppose I should apologize to you two for trying to kill you and all. So, sorry. I was a different person then. Well, not really, but I was being trained by my father and he’s a piece of shit so I don’t know how you could expect me to be anything different.”</p><p>“It’s okay, I think?” Aang seemed hesitant to accept the apology but did so regardless. “I mean, I don’t know you that well, so I don’t know you’ve changed beyond what Zuko told us, but I know your dad sucked, so I believe it’s not all your fault. Thanks for apologizing.”</p><p>“Yeah, thanks,” droned Toph sarcastically. “It <em>really </em>makes up for all the times you tried to murder us.”</p><p>Zuko stopped listening as Azula began to protest, initiating a whole ridiculous argument. Aang tried to diffuse it and at first, Sokka did too, though he didn’t quite seem to know who to defend and kept switching sides depending on the points they made. Zuko faded in and out of the conversation, never speaking as he poked at his food but occasionally looking up when he heard his name mentioned. He couldn’t say anything, however, his thoughts wandering too far to truly pay attention. Over the last month especially, he’d gotten comfortable with Sokka. <em>Too </em>comfortable. He was fine with it when Azula was around, or when they were in private, but after their long, lingering gaze, he was suddenly all too aware of how it looked. All too aware of the fact that something as simple as a glance could be interpreted as something so wrong. He swallowed hard, his stomach churning at the thought of Aang or Toph or even Sokka realizing that he was committing <em>treason </em>right under their noses.</p><p>Except he wasn’t, was he? <em>He </em>was the Fire Lord. No one could be mad at him for the things he did (well, they could, and they were, but they couldn’t <em>do </em>anything about it), so he didn’t have to be scared. He himself had abolished the laws that said there was something wrong with it. Mai and Azula had both told him that it was okay. So why the <em>hell </em>was he still freaking out about it? What was so wrong with him that he couldn’t see it as okay, when he had friends who felt the same way? When he had <em>family </em>who felt the same way? What the <em>fuck </em>was his problem? Why couldn’t he just get over himself and admit that he liked Sokka?</p><p>His breath cut out and the world spun around him. No. <em>No</em>. He didn’t like Sokka. He liked spending time with Sokka, yes, but he didn’t <em>like </em>Sokka. Zuko reached out for his tea, hoping to find some comfort in it, but his hands were shaking like hell and he could barely get his fingers around the cup. Suddenly, a soft, cold hand landed on his forearm. When he looked to Sokka’s reassuring face, his blue eyes slightly widened as if to ask whether he was okay, Zuko’s heart pounded even faster in his chest and he ripped away. He couldn’t keep doing that. He couldn’t keep holding Sokka’s hand when people were around. Not just his friends or Azula—who he was pretty damn sure was lying to him about it being okay—but his guards, his staff, <em>anyone </em>who could leak the information. Was he being overprotective of himself? Yes, but there’d already been a terrifying amount of assassination attempts after him since he’d assumed the throne and if people found <em>any </em>weak point of his, he and the Fire Nation could be ruined in a second.</p><p>Zuko rose to his feet quickly, mumbling something about having to check on another matter. When Sokka gently asked whether he needed help—likely knowing exactly why he was really leaving and wanting to know whether he needed <em>that </em>kind of help—Zuko shook his head, insisting he was fine and would be back in a few minutes. Of course, the last time he said something along those lines he’d ended up vomiting until he fell asleep and never actually returned to his meeting at all, but still. There was no reason to bother his friends with his own stupid problems.</p><p>He wandered out of the dining room, just looking for a breath of fresh air, and ended up leaning against one of the ledges overlooking a window to the courtyard. It only took a few moments for Zuko to regain his composure, as he’d managed to shut himself up before things got too bad, but he still felt awful about himself. He did it <em>again</em>. He ripped away from Sokka <em>again</em>. Honestly, he didn’t even know why Sokka was still sticking around at that point. Zuko was clearly a piece of shit excuse for a friend and there was no excuse for his behavior. He didn’t deserve Sokka’s friendship. He didn’t deserve any of them.</p><p>“Hey, Zuko.” For once, the voice that called his name was not Sokka or Mai, but Aang. Zuko glanced over his shoulder to look at his friend before shifting to look back out the window, unable to hold his gaze. Aang walked right over and leaned against the wall beside Zuko, hesitating for a moment before he spoke. “Are you okay? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, but you’ve been acting really weird all day.”</p><p>“Mm.” Zuko nodded, biting down on his lip. The taste of blood was perpetual by that point. “Just stressed. I’ve been really busy.”</p><p>“If you say so. You know, I actually wanted to talk to you about that. Sorry I haven’t been able to visit recently, but I’ve been keeping up with the news and you’ve done <em>so </em>much good stuff for the world. Obviously, I’m here for the stuff with the colonies and everything but I heard about the laws you’ve been changing, and you know what? The Fire Nation is <em>such </em>a better place. I’ve stopped by a few villages for this and that and they’re all so much happier. Not just because the kids are allowed to dance in schools—my favorite change, personally, though I can’t tell you how many kids want to take me to school parties—but there are weddings <em>everywhere</em>. I didn’t even know it was illegal for some people to get married but I’m really glad you fixed that. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness.”</p><p>“Yeah, of course. My great-grandfather, he— he didn’t think that it was okay but it’s— I thought about it for a while and I didn’t want to make that choice for the people. They decide what’s okay for them. Not me. Not for that kind of thing.”</p><p>“Not that anyone really <em>needs </em>to make that decision since it’s totally okay regardless.” Aang stopped suddenly, the smile falling from his face as he likely realized that Zuko was not sharing his joy. “Wait, you <em>do </em>know that it’s okay, right? Because you don’t seem like you do.”</p><p>No, he doesn’t, because it’s <em>not </em>okay. His entire life everyone told him that it <em>wasn’t </em>okay. Everyone at the palace aside from his mother thought it was sick. It was outlawed for good reasons and if he went against it, he would be banished. He spent countless nights crying himself to sleep, terrified that he would have feelings for a boy and not be able to stop it. He hid in his room for two days when he caught himself thinking one of the councilor’s boys was pretty. While Azula went to a special academy with her friends, Zuko begged to stay home with a tutor because his classmates hurt him, saying he was “a dirty homosexual” and a “disgrace to the nation” when he <em>wasn’t</em>. Even after he was banished, he lived on a boat filled with sailors who made jokes about “homos” left and right. He found refuge in the Earth Kingdom where homosexuality was treated even worse than in the Fire Nation, and when people spoke of it there, they spoke of it with not only disgust, but hatred.</p><p>He made good friends with a girl Uncle set him up on a date with but found his gaze stuck on one of his regulars who was <em>not </em>feminine in nature. He was insulted by several people while in the market with Uncle for just <em>looking </em>like he was gay and by the time he made it back to the Fire Nation, all he wanted was to forget. He got together with Mai, who he’d known had a crush on him since they were little kids. They kissed, they hugged, and he really liked her company and her friendship, but the romantic feelings didn’t exist. He hated himself for it. Once, a citizen who saw him leaving Mai’s house claimed she was his beard and cried that he was a filthy homosexual who deserved the banishment he got. They hated him for it. As the Fire Lord, all his advisors insisted that he have a wife and a traditional family or else the people would doubt his abilities. <em>Everyone </em>hated him for it. So no, he didn’t think it was okay and no matter how many people claimed it was, he didn’t think he could ever believe it.</p><p>“I know it’s okay,” Zuko assured him, though he hesitated for far longer than he should have for it to be believable. “Obviously, I know it’s okay. If I didn’t think that it was okay, then I wouldn’t have abolished the law criminalizing it, right?”</p><p>“Er, right…” Aang bounced in his spot against the wall beside the window, turning his head to look at Zuko to his right. “You said it was Fire Lord Sozin who outlawed it, right?”</p><p>He nodded. “Yeah. He said it was for military reasons. I don’t know if I believe it.”</p><p>“Because your dad and Fire Lord Azulon were… against it too? Sorry, I don’t remember the word. The Air Nomads didn’t really have a concept of that.”</p><p>“The word is homophobic, and yeah, they were. Extremely.”</p><p>“Oh.” Rather than saying anything else right away, Aang fell silent for a few long moments, rocking back and forth on his feet. “You know, in the air temples, we were never really taught about stuff like that. No one expected anything of anyone else, you just kind of fell in love. Or you didn’t. No one would judge you for that either. Love is love in whatever shape it takes and whether that’s a guy and a girl, two guys, two girls, no guys or girls, or even just a group of friends, it’s never something to be ashamed of. No one should <em>ever </em>be ashamed of who they are because of who they love. Love is a good thing. <em>Always</em>.”</p><p>Zuko understood what Aang was trying to say. He really, truly did, but it didn’t make sense. Love was a good thing, it was, just not like that. Not when it went against everything he’d ever been taught. Not only that, but he’d already experienced so many different kinds of toxic love that he couldn’t even imagine thinking it could all be good. He loved his father. Azula loved their father. And that love caused them nothing but pain because he was an abuser and nothing they ever did could win <em>his </em>love in exchange. Even the <em>idea </em>of Zuko being gay—when he was not, probably, he was just going through a stress-induced identity crisis—was enough to get him berated throughout his life. How could <em>that </em>be okay? How could something bad enough to cause that much pain ever be okay?</p><p>“No, it isn’t.” He shook his head, his fingers gripping the edge of the windowsill. “It’s <em>not </em>okay. It’s disgraceful, and— no, that’s not what I— I mean, I wouldn’t hate anyone for it, it’s just—”</p><p>It’s just that he <em>would </em>hate someone for it because he hated <em>himself</em> for the things he was feeling. He shouldn’t have said he wouldn’t hate anyone; he should have said that he wouldn’t hate anyone <em>else</em> because saying he wouldn’t hate anyone implied that he’d be okay if it was him and he wasn’t. Every time he even <em>started </em>to think about how much he liked Sokka, his stomach churned and he acted like a piece of shit to his poor friend because he was too wrapped up in his own bullshit beliefs to feel okay being openly intimate with him. Even <em>platonically </em>it was enough to freak him out and he could barely even imagine how Sokka felt being on the receiving end of it. He <em>finally </em>got the courage to come out to someone and Zuko responded by pushing him away. By refusing his touch. By acting like there was something wrong with them when there <em>wasn’t</em>.</p><p>“You did the right thing, Zuko.” If Aang knew what was really bothering Zuko about the situation, he was kind enough not to say anything about it, and Zuko was immensely grateful for that. “There are so many people out there who are living their best lives because <em>you </em>gave them the chance. You shouldn’t downplay yourself for something as amazing as that. You did a good thing, and I know you know that.”</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah, I do. Thanks, Aang.”</p><p>Though he wasn’t truly confident in his words, Aang seemed to take it as enough. He slid away from the wall and flung his arms around Zuko’s shoulders, giving him one of the tightest hugs in the world. Zuko froze for a minute, not sure what to do, but managed to return the embrace. There might have been a lot of shit going on in Zuko’s head, but damn was it nice to see his friends again. He didn’t even protest when Aang suggested they go back into the dining room, subtly noting the fact that Zuko still hadn’t eaten more than a few bites. Zuko made sure to explain that it wasn’t intentional, not wanting another upbeat lecture about something almost even more uncomfortable than his identity crisis.</p><p>When they got back to the table, the arguing was no longer going on, but the discussions were still lively, despite there being just three of them left. Zuko wasn’t entirely sure what the ongoing conversation was about, but Sokka seemed to be trying to talk Azula and Toph out of what must’ve been a terrible idea. Somehow, despite the urgency of Sokka’s tone, Zuko didn’t mind. They were having fun, and it didn’t seem like Toph and Azula were angry at each other anymore. Sokka glanced over at Zuko when he sat back down, but barely had a chance to interact with him before Azula said something about prison and he was forced to go back to whatever he’d been arguing. However, he ended up cutting himself off quickly, his eyes widening unexpectedly as he shut up mid-sentence. When asked about it, Sokka claimed that he lost his train of thought, but Zuko knew that wasn’t true. He gripped Sokka’s hand a little tighter under the table.</p><p>“Hey, Aang,” said Sokka, shaking himself off but not unlacing his fingers from Zuko’s, “would you mind telling these two that arson is <em>not </em>a good bonding activity?”</p><p>“I just want to get to know her better,” Toph huffed, blowing her hair in front of her face. “Look, if Zuko thinks she’s a good person now, then I think I should make sure he’s not being a fucking dumbass. Don’t judge my bonding plans, they’re fun. Right, Aang?”</p><p>Aang shook his head furiously. “You did have some really fun ideas, but I also regret saying yes to a <em>lot </em>of the things you’ve suggested. Ow!”</p><p>“What? It’s how I show <em>affection</em>.” She smiled, dropping her hand back to her side as Aang rubbed at his shoulder furiously. “Anyway, we had fun, even if they didn’t all have the best end result, so stop being such a little girl about it. Hey, Twitchy, do you think it’s a good idea for us to do some fun things together?”</p><p>“Fun things? Sure.” Zuko nodded along, ignoring the word she used to describe him. “Arson? I don’t think that’s such a good idea, especially considering you’d probably be burning down something in <em>my </em>nation.”</p><p>“Whatever, it’s our girls’ day so you don’t get a say in it.” Toph stuck her tongue out at him. “Anyway, since you asked about it earlier, I’ve spent the afternoon thinking about exactly what our best adventures were and since Twinkle Toes will definitely tell you them in the fake, mushy positive light, I’m going to explain. After we left Gaoling, we went to Omashu, and…”</p><p>Zuko let out a deep sigh of relief as he listened to Toph ramble on about their adventures, Aang correcting her on particularly negative or unsavory details. Considering what he’d done before, Zuko almost expected Sokka to pull away from him quickly, not wanting any part in physical contact after Zuko had ripped away from him multiple times, but he didn’t. They held each other’s hands beneath the table, their fingers entwined for the rest of the evening. Every so often, Sokka would give him a little squeeze and nod towards his plate, which was still mostly untouched. Zuko reluctantly forced himself to eat a few bites whenever he did.</p><p>They stayed up far too late catching up on everything and by the time the servants came to clean everything up, Zuko was half asleep from the day’s work and excitement. Somehow, everyone else was still chattering on about this and that, but Zuko was too tired to actively participate and just listened to his friends talk. Normally, he wouldn’t have let himself drift off the way he did but being in a room with all his friends felt <em>so nice </em>and suddenly, he was having trouble keeping his eyes open. Zuko didn’t know exactly what went on or if there was some subtext he missed, but after a certain point, Sokka shot a glance at Azula and she made some excuse to get Toph out of the dining room, to which Aang inevitably decided he had to tag along.</p><p>Once the three of them were gone, Sokka lifted Zuko’s arm around his shoulder, switching the hand to which their fingers were entwined. He held onto Zuko’s hand with his left, his right arm sliding down to support his waist. Normally, Zuko would have tried to protest, but he was too tired to do so that time. He’d already been close to passing out in his seat, his head hanging as the others talked, so there wasn’t honestly a big chance he was going to be able to make it back to his room on his own. He shuffled alongside Sokka, his eyes blinking open and closed slowly as they made their way down the dark corridors of the palace. Sokka was quiet and respectful as they walked, but Zuko’s dumb sleepy ass couldn’t keep his mouth shut and failed to take advantage of his friend’s silence.</p><p>“‘M thorry I pulled away from you again,” he mumbled, his head drooping as he tried to get his eyes to open despite their exhausted refusal. “I know it wath a thitty thing to do.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” For a moment, Zuko thought that Sokka wasn’t going to say anything else as he was wearing an odd, almost amused expression on his face, but he went on after a few seconds. “It’s my fault, honestly. I’m a really hands-on person and sometimes I just forget that you’re not. Wait, is this okay right now? Am I overstepping my boundaries again? I can move if you—”</p><p>“No. I don’t hate being touthed, I jutht don’t know how to rethpond to it. ‘M not uthed to people touthing me with affecthion. I know you guyth are my friendth but thometimeth I forget that you don’t want to hurt me.”</p><p>Sokka tightened his grip around Zuko’s waist and hand, though Zuko wasn’t entirely sure whether it was a conscious movement. “I won’t hurt you, Zuko. I promise. I just— I want you to know that when I do touch you, I’m usually just trying to help, okay? I know sometimes I can get really touchy with everyone but if I try to hold your hand and you don’t want me to, then it’s okay to pull away. I want to help you, not make things worse.”</p><p>“Okay.” Zuko nodded sleepily, breathing in deeply as they approached his bedroom. “Thorry I’ve been thuth a baby the latht few weekth. You don’t have to thtay here if you want to go home.”</p><p>“You aren’t being a baby; you’re going through some serious shit. I’m not going to judge you for that. It’s okay to be upset sometimes.”</p><p>“Mm. It’th okay if you need to be upthet too.” His eyelids were barely open at that point, but he could see enough to know that Sokka’s own eyes went wide when he said that. “You don’t have to be thtrong for me, Thokka. I know you’re really thtrethed about thith whole thing with your leg. You can tell me if you need to talk about it.”</p><p>“I—” He was silent for a long moment as they stood there in the doorway. “Thanks, Zuko. It’s actually— it’s not <em>all </em>about my leg, it's— it means a lot. I’m okay for now, but thank you.”</p><p>“It’th no problem. You’ve done enough for me; I want to help you too. If you ever need to talk, I'll lithten, okay? Don’t thut yourthelf down. That’th what I did. That’th why I wath thick when you got here, becauthe I freaked out over the little thingth and they got bigger and everything got worth and then I couldn’t even remember how to take care of mythelf anymore. I probably would be dead if you didn’t thow up. Don’t know if it would be 'cauthe of me or ‘cauthe thomeone elthe would find out and have me athathinated, but…”</p><p>His grip tightened again. “Nothing is going to happen to me, okay? And I won’t let anything happen to you either.”</p><p>“M’kay.” Finally, Sokka pushed open the door and they walked into Zuko’s room, but neither of them moved to pull apart. Zuko blinked and looked to Sokka, leaning into his shoulder. “Can you do— can you do the thing with my hair again?”</p><p>“You mean, uh…” Sokka glanced down to his feet as he swallowed hard, hesitating before he finished his sentence. “You want me to braid it?”</p><p>Zuko nodded, and Sokka mumbled out a quick “okay” before walking the half-conscious Fire Lord over to his bed. Sokka grabbed a tie from the table beside them, sitting down behind Zuko, whose head drooped almost as soon as he’d gotten into bed. His eyes were closed, but he could feel everything Sokka was doing behind him and somehow, even though he couldn’t actually <em>see </em>what was happening, he didn’t feel uncomfortable. Sokka gently removed his crown, dragging his fingers through Zuko’s hair after his topknot fell loose. He stopped for a moment, and Zuko felt nothing until a comb replaced his fingers, sliding through and removing each of the tangles that built up over the day (because, as hard as he tried, he couldn’t kick his habit of nervously fucking with his locks). After a few minutes, he dropped the comb onto the table, and again ceased all movement on the back of Zuko’s head.</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka’s voice was quiet and stupidly soft. “Is it okay if I touch your scar?”</p><p>He froze, his eyes suddenly opening as he became acutely aware of what was happening. It took Zuko a moment to understand why Sokka was asking, why he wanted to put his fingers on something so awful, but when he caught on, his heart melted into a puddle. Through three years of servants touching him left and right, doing his hair every damn morning and touching up his face for this and that, no one—not a single one of his servants—had ever asked if it was okay before. They just haphazardly dragged their hands all over his face, ignoring that he had a horrible, disgusting mark on one half of it. They didn’t care that he flinched whenever their hands brushed against it, they didn’t care that he gripped onto the chair so tight it cracked, and they didn’t care that he literally burned his own wrist to distract himself from just how fucking uncomfortable it made him. But Sokka did.</p><p>“Mm.” He nodded, biting down on the edge of his lip. “Be careful pleathe.”</p><p>“Okay. Tell me if you want me to stop.”</p><p>Sokka gently dragged his hair back from his face, his fingers just barely touching the surface of Zuko’s scar. He almost couldn’t feel the pressure at all and though he knew his senses were all fucked on that side of his face, he was sure that Sokka was doing his best not to make contact and that was the real reason why he couldn’t feel it. Before he knew it, they were past the hard part, and Sokka was tying together his strands of hair into a neat, short braid which he topped off with a red tie. Zuko reached his hands around to feel it when he finished, smiling slightly as his fingers slid over the elegant style of the braid. He turned to look at Sokka behind him, uncertain why his eyes were getting glassy. He didn’t know if Sokka would understand the full intent behind his words, but he delivered them anyway.</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“Anytime.”</p><p>Sokka smiled as he stood up, and Zuko’s heart melted all over again. He knew what he was taught growing up. He knew it better than anyone, but when Sokka squeezed his hand and turned to leave the room, Zuko found himself wondering if maybe Aang was right. If a boy could be that nice to him, be that perfect for him, make him feel that safe and that stupidly happy, then how bad could liking him really be?</p>
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<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter Twenty-Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was in over his head.</p><p>He was in way, way, <em>way </em>over his head.</p><p>He liked Zuko. He <em>knew </em>he liked Zuko and he’d come to terms with that after an awfully long week of avoiding him, but it was getting out of hand. Zuko wasn’t into guys. He’d made it very, <em>very </em>clear that he was not into guys and even if he were into guys, there was no way he’d be into a guy like Sokka. But he was just so damn cute and caring and when Sokka helped him back to his room, he found himself somehow even more charmed; especially when Zuko turned the conversation around on him in his sleep-deprived state and tried to make sure that <em>Sokka </em>was okay when clearly, Zuko was in the worse position and needed far more hugs than Sokka could ever even conceive of. At least, that was his first thought, because his second thought was, <em>why can’t I be the one giving him those hugs, and then we’d both get enough? </em>which was obviously not a practical solution to the problem in any sense of the word.</p><p>To get himself out of his dazed state of pining and gay confusion, Sokka asked Toph to train with him while Aang and Zuko took care of some other matters which didn’t concern them. They didn’t do a lot of talking at first, just sparred and occasionally cracked jokes because humor was honestly a strong point for both of them. Sokka got his ass kicked several times over by Toph’s bending and stopped for water and painkillers twice, but he got enough practice with his sword and on his feet for it not to matter. He was feeling better about himself, he wasn’t thinking about how he was falling in love with the Fire Lord, and he was getting in some very necessary training so that when he went back to the tribe, they wouldn’t laugh him right out the door. Overall, he was having fun, and everything was good. That is, right up until Toph had to point out the goddamn obvious.</p><p>“You’re weaker on your left side,” she said, her hands still raised in defense though she was no longer moving. “Something happen, Snoozles?”</p><p>Sokka shook his head. “No. Well, yeah, I guess, but it’s nothing new. It’s not a big deal.”</p><p>“Are you sure? Because if we were still on the run, you’d be getting your ass kicked by anyone who wanted you dead. Your weight is all over the place, I can feel it. You need to get more onto your left leg. Here, try this.”</p><p>He lurched when Toph kicked the ground up beneath his right leg, forcing him to put more weight onto his left. Instantly, a sharp pain shot through his foot up into his thigh; his knee buckling beneath him and sending him crashing to the ground. The moment his left leg contacted the hard surface beneath him, his heart began to pound up to his ears, all control over his breathing lost as the sounds around him got too loud. The explosions, the screaming, the crashing in the distance. He threw his hands over his ears, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he tried to get out of his own head. He was in the sky, his weapons were gone, his leg was halfway broken, Toph was about to fall to her death, and he was <em>useless</em>. He needed to help her, but he was powerless, weak, unable to do a thing to help his friends who were literally dying all around him.</p><p>Sokka gripped his hands around his ears, the pain building in his chest and in his leg as he tried desperately to push himself back to reality. He could hear Aang and Ozai fighting in the distance, metal crashing all around him, and Toph’s soft cries ringing in his ears though they were the of all. Suddenly, another sound joined in his eardrums, and it was one that made everything even more painful. One that he couldn’t remember hearing before. His own unstable hyperventilating. His chest <em>burned </em>as he struggled to breathe, tears stinging at his eyes from the strain, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he felt arms around his neck. They pulled him downward until his forehead touched someone’s shoulder, and he realized that he wasn’t being attacked, he was being <em>hugged</em>. He wasn’t falling to his death; he was sitting in the training room shaking like an idiot.</p><p>“Sokka.”</p><p>He tried to listen to the voice, to pull himself back to reality, but everything happening in his mind was too strong. It was overpowering his thoughts and actions, and instead of recognizing that he was being a pathetic loser and scaring his friend, he shook harder; struggling to regain his breathing. No matter what he did, or how hard he tried, he couldn’t get himself to make a sound that wasn’t wheezing. How was he supposed to? He was going to <em>die</em>. He was going to drop Toph and <em>she </em>was going to die. Suki was already dead, and he didn’t know where Katara and Zuko were and there was nothing he could do to help any of them. He wanted to do something, he <em>needed </em>to do something, but he didn’t have his weapons. He could barely move his leg and he didn’t even have any weapons.</p><p>“<em>Sokka</em>.”</p><p>The voice was shaking, scared, but he couldn’t recognize it. He knew someone had their arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace, but he couldn’t hold them back. He couldn’t move because his leg throbbed from the impact and his chest burned thanks to his hyperventilating and he couldn’t think, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t <em>breathe</em>—all he knew was that he needed to be strong because if he lost it, Toph would die. Suki was already gone and there was every chance that Katara and Zuko were too and he couldn’t lose Toph. He couldn’t drop her, and he couldn’t save himself, but he knew that he could save her if he just held on. He had to be strong. He had to be strong. <em>He had to be strong.</em></p><p>“Sokka, listen to me, you have to snap out of it. <em>Please</em>.”</p><p>When he finally opened his eyes to accept that he was not on his deathbed, Sokka’s senses were instantly overwhelmed. His ears were blocked by his hands and the sound of his own wheezing, his chest ached from his aforementioned inability to breathe, his mouth tasted sick with blood from where he bit down on his lip, his vision was blurred with unshed tears, and it was impossible to smell a thing when he couldn’t even breathe through his mouth. It took him a few long seconds to fully drag himself back to reality, at which point he realized that the arms wrapped around him were Toph’s. She’d dropped to the floor in front of him and pulled him into her shoulder, holding him in close. Her grip was scarily tight but comforting and he reached around to wrap his arms around her too. When he finally did so, she nuzzled down into his shoulder; her own breath shaking as she clutched his back. They stayed like that for a few minutes, utterly silent as Sokka struggled to even his breaths and Toph clung to him as if <em>he </em>were the one about to fall to his doom.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” said Sokka, his voice barely more than a hoarse whisper thanks to how his wheezing had destroyed his voice. He didn’t really think he was ready to be talking yet, but he couldn’t just sit there and ignore that he’d hurt one of his best friends. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”</p><p>“Shut up, you idiot. You don’t get to apologize.” For a split second, Sokka thought Toph was mad at him, but then she squeezed her arms around him even tighter and he realized that she was only trying to tell him that he wasn’t at fault. Her voice was quiet when she spoke, as if she were just as upset about the situation as he was. “I’m so sorry, Sokka. I was just trying to help. I didn’t know—”</p><p>“No, it’s not your fault. No one knows. I guess Suki might ‘cause this kind of happened with her too, but I didn’t— I didn’t explain. I haven’t told anyone. It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known. I didn’t want you to know. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s not.”</p><p>“Please stop trying to comfort me when <em>you’re</em> the one who needs a damn hug. I know you’re always trying to be a tough guy but you’re not. You’re soft. You don’t have to pretend around me. I already know how scared you are. Your entire body is freaking out right now.”</p><p>Sokka only nodded against her shoulder. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that. He’d never really <em>tried </em>to be a tough guy before; it was just who he thought he was. It was who he thought he was expected to be. Ever since he was a child, he was the man of the village. His father told him he was in charge and even though he really wasn’t, he believed it and he stepped up to the plate. He put other people above himself and he always had, and it didn’t make sense to let himself be ‘soft’ as Toph said. He couldn’t just let her be upset about what happened when she needed to know that it wasn’t her fault. It was <em>his</em> fault for keeping all of these things to himself and not telling anyone that putting weight on his left leg gave him debilitating flashbacks to the most terrifying moment of his entire life. But it was weak to reveal that, right? It was weak to tell people his vulnerabilities.</p><p>No.</p><p>They were his friends, and just like it was okay for Zuko to tell people when something was wrong, it should be okay for <em>him</em> to tell people when something was wrong. That didn’t mean he had to go around telling everyone everything when he was still extremely uncomfortable talking about it, but it did mean that if he wanted to explain, to tell Toph what exactly he’d seen and what caused his horrible panic attack, he wouldn’t be any worse for doing that. Zuko told him just the other night that if he ever needed to talk, it was okay, and he would listen. Toph was telling him now that it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t need to be strong. His friends were practically <em>begging</em> him to open up about what was bothering him and for once, it didn’t feel like the worst idea to explain—especially since he knew that Toph was a great secret keeper.</p><p>“Can I—?” Sokka gently gestured for Toph to release her strangling grip, and she did before settling back on the floor in front of him, as Sokka shifted in his own seat. He took a deep breath, looking down to his shaking hands. It felt easier to talk without looking at her, and it wasn’t like she would be trying to make eye contact, so he decided to focus on his fingers instead. “I— sorry, before I say anything, can you promise me you won’t tell anyone else? This is just really stupid, and I don’t think I’m ready for everyone to know yet.”</p><p>Toph nodded. “Okay. I won’t tell anyone. Promise.”</p><p>“Thank you. It’s just… it took a really long time to get my leg back after I broke it. You know I was in a cast for a few months, and then I was all lopsided and I had to relearn how to use it, but I’ve been having these— these <em>nightmares </em>ever since the war and putting pressure on my leg it— it just makes it so much worse. I get this really sharp pain in the middle of my foot and it just shoots up my leg and it feels exactly like it did when I broke it and it hurts like <em>shit </em>and I don’t even know how to explain this but it’s like— it’s like everything around me just disappears and instead of seeing real life I see… well, I see you. The warships. I can hear everything exploding around us and people screaming and you <em>crying</em> like it’s happening all over again. And it’s been going on for so long that I just stopped trying to use my leg and then it got worse and Zuko took me to see his physician and I guess I might have permanent damage in there? Which I’ve been trying not to think about because it’s basically the scariest thing anyone’s ever said to me, but I know it’s ridiculous so I just— I don’t know. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have said anything.”</p><p>“It’s not stupid. I have those nightmares sometimes too. Not exactly like that, never when I’m awake, but… sometimes when I’m sleeping, I can feel it. I don’t know what you were seeing but I can hear everything, and I can feel myself clinging to your arm. Actually, it usually starts when we’re running on the warships and I can’t see anything. My parents would usually hear me and wake me up a little before Suki fell but sometimes I got to the point where I was holding onto your arm. It’s okay to be scared of it. I know I am. It’s not an easy thing to remember.”</p><p>“No, it’s not, but I think I’m really overreacting.” He took a deep breath, well aware that Toph was still listening to how fast his heart and lungs were working. “I need to do something about my leg. It’s not noticeable when I’m just walking around but I can’t fight like this. I can’t <em>work</em> like this. I don’t know what to do and that’s why I can’t go back to the tribe. Between that and all my stupid bad habits, I don’t know what to do. I need to stop having these breakdowns, but I can’t—”</p><p>“You do need to stop, Sokka, but you can’t approach it the way you have been.” Toph stretched her leg out, kicking his right knee in a way he almost thought was meant to be reassuring before she settled down. “The reason you’re not getting better is because you’re repressing it. You need to stop doing that. I don’t know if you want to tell someone else or if you just want me to help but you need to talk to someone. Pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t going to make the problem go away. It only makes it worse.”</p><p>“I know. I’m just really not ready to tell anyone else about it yet. Are you sure it’s okay if I talk to you? I don’t want to be a bother.”</p><p>“It’s fine, seriously. I want to help you. I know it’s a scary memory, but you saved my life, Sokka. Now you just have to let me make sure that you’re okay.”</p><p>Sokka smiled, wondering how in the hell he managed to make such incredible friends. He didn’t know how much he would actually be able to tell Toph, but somehow, her knowing about it felt like a weight off his chest. Not because he told someone, but because <em>Toph </em>knew. She probably could help him get through this better than anyone else just because her being there with him during his panic attack helped him to remember that she wasn’t gone. That, as terrifying as the memory was, everything <em>did </em>turn out okay and Toph was alive and safe and growing up right in front of his own two eyes. She was sitting there, comforting him because he was terrified of something that already happened, and all he could do was try to turn the tables back on her. He finally opened his mouth to give in, to say thanks for everything, but was cut off before he could.</p><p>The door to the training room swung open suddenly, and in walked none other than Zuko. A small smile appeared on his face when he saw Sokka and Toph sitting on the floor, likely thinking they’d been taking a break rather than dealing with the aftermath of a horrible panic attack. Thank goodness Sokka hadn’t actually let any of those tears fall or it might be a whole other story. Toph lifted her head when Zuko strode in, Sokka already looking past her to the incredibly royal Fire Lord draping in the room. Zuko glanced over to Toph first, but then his gaze stopped and lingered on Sokka and Sokka let his linger back. It wasn’t like Toph could tell where they were looking anyway and his heart was already beating stupidly fast it didn’t really matter if he let himself get a little flustered, right?</p><p>“Hey.” Zuko walked over to them, not sitting down but stopping close by. “I just got out of my meeting. Did you still want to do our training session this afternoon? Aang went to get lunch, so if you want to go with him instead—”</p><p>Toph leapt to her feet quickly. “Actually, that’s fine. I’ll go keep Twinkle Toes busy and you two can work on your sparring.”</p><p>“Uh, okay? You’re welcome to stay if you want, Toph, or we can just do this another time.”</p><p>“No, no, you two should <em>definitely </em>do your training. Definitely. I’ll give you guys some space to do… whatever it is you need to do, and Aang and I will catch up with you later. Have fun!”</p><p>Both Sokka and Zuko watched her slide out of the room with baffled expressions on their faces. She was far too eager to get out of there and more importantly to get them to practice together, even though that made little sense after what happened. Why wouldn’t Toph want to stay? Or make them all eat lunch together? He hoped that he hadn’t done something to upset her, aside from the obvious. He really did his best to make sure that she was okay after what happened, and he hated the thought that he’d only made it worse. As for Zuko, Sokka assumed things were in even more of a twist, as he had no idea what he walked in on, just that their friend had for some reason pressured them to take the afternoon to train alone. He shook himself off and looked down to Sokka, whose gaze had already shifted back.</p><p>“That was weird,” he said. “What were you guys doing?”</p><p>“Nothing.” Sokka shrugged. “We were just messing around with some sparring drills and Toph’s bending. I don’t know what that was about. Maybe she just wants to hang out with Aang? They’ve probably gotten pretty close over the last few months they’ve been traveling together. You know, kind of like the two of us since I got here.”</p><p>That was too far. That was <em>way </em>too far. He made it awkward. Sokka cringed inwardly, entirely ready for Zuko to shut him down and wander off, but he didn’t.</p><p>“Yeah, I guess you’re right. We’ve still had a lot of alone time even though they’re around. It’s probably just the same thing. Taking some time to relax with the people you’re most comfortable with, you know?”</p><p>“You’re most comfortable around me?” He blurted out the words too fast and he knew it was too obvious. <em>Fuck</em>.</p><p>“Sorry, is that weird?” Zuko’s face flushed furiously and he bit down on the edge of his lip in that same way that always made Sokka swoon. “I didn’t mean to make things weird, it’s just that you’ve been so nice and fun and respectful of my boundaries and I guess you just make me feel <em>safe</em> and no one else here really does that, so I just— I should go, right? I should go.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay.” Sokka leapt to his feet quickly, trying to pull the situation back into a manageable place. “I just didn’t know that you— or I guess that I—”</p><p>He cut himself off. Shit, shit, <em>shit</em>, he was such a disaster. Sokka always thought he was a smooth guy but now a really pretty, really sweet, really hot guy told him that he made him feel safe and it was like his entire brain just melted. Though he knew it was probably just a natural, flustered response, Sokka was fairly sure that it happened exclusively because of one of two things. One: his brain was all cloudy from the panic attack he’d had only minutes before, or two: that ever since he came out as bisexual for the first time, the entire romantic side of his brain had been consumed by a bug that was determined to destroy his swagger and replace it with something that could not be considered anything other than a certified bisexual disaster.</p><p>“Uh, you know what?” He wet his lips, blinking several times as he tried to figure out what to do. “We should just do the training. You have to eat something after though, since you’re skipping lunch with the guys now. And that’s not an idea, that’s a guarantee because we’re not going back to this sporadic eating schedule again. It’s not healthy.”</p><p>“Okay.” Sokka’s eyes went wide and he shook himself off quickly. How could Zuko agree to him that quickly? <em>Months </em>of eating irregularly and suddenly he just listened? Thankfully, Zuko didn’t seem to notice how flustered he was, simply walking back over to the wall and kicking off his shoes and robe. For the umpteenth time, Sokka thanked the spirits for Zuko’s obliviousness, as his eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw Zuko’s biceps. <em>Again.</em> “So, do you want to do some sparring? Or we can practice those kumite, I guess? Or just do drills. How is your leg feeling today?”</p><p>“It’s fine.” Though it was definitively not fine, Sokka wasn’t about to admit to what happened with Toph. He knew it was stupid, but he just couldn’t find the courage to tell Zuko the full truth about it yet. “Can we just start with some sparring and then see what happens after that?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>Sparring with Zuko was unlike sparring with anyone else. Not just because he was a damn powerful bender and had an insane level of skill for someone of his age, but because he and Sokka just <em>clicked</em>. He’d noticed it for the first time way back at the Boiling Rock and ever since then, he felt like they had a connection. Not necessarily anything emotional—they were friends, yes, but the <em>real</em> closeness was still new—just something physical. Two sets of skills melding together in the greatest way possible. They were able to predict each other’s moves easily, working in almost perfect sync despite a lack of communication, and even fighting against each other brought an incredible rush. Sokka didn’t even have to think about what he was doing, he just moved. They flowed together like a tributary and even when he stumbled, Zuko’s constant praise for Sokka’s abilities made him feel like he’d never gotten injured in the first place.</p><p>After Sokka took a quick break for another drink and a third round of painkillers, they resumed their sparring—chattering the whole time, as it seemed to help Sokka focus better somehow—but then decided to move onto other things, eventually leading into some drills they’d been doing to strengthen Sokka’s leg. He wasn’t entirely a fan of all of them, though they did seem to be working, so he did his best to follow along with whatever Zuko said. That is, until one of his suggestions pushed Sokka’s leg a <em>little </em>too far and his knee almost buckled beneath him.</p><p>“Oh, shit, are you okay?” Zuko was gripping onto Sokka’s shoulders before he could even react to the accident himself, his breathing heavy and his face burning thanks to Zuko’s touch. Sokka nodded quickly, doing the best he could to relax despite the throbbing in his shin. “Do you need a minute? Are you—?”</p><p>“I’m fine, Zuko, I just need to sit down for a second.” Though he tried to insist that he was okay, Sokka didn’t reject Zuko’s touch and let the Fire Lord help him sit down. Sure, it was a little embarrassing, but it would’ve been more embarrassing to collapse right in front of him. “Sorry, I’m good, I just— I pushed it a little too far with Toph earlier and it’s not doing so hot right now.”</p><p>“Okay.” The concern never left Zuko’s tone, his fingers twisting around his pantleg anxiously. “Do you need anything? I could get you some water or even Shin if you—”</p><p>“No, no, I’m all right. Really.” The pain was already beginning to subside thanks to all the painkillers he’d taken, he just didn’t quite feel ready to put weight on it yet. “Can you just like, talk for a minute? It’s fine, but I need to stop thinking about it.”</p><p>“Uh, yeah, sure. I, er, I don’t really know what to— I’m sorry if what I said earlier was weird and I’m sorry if it’s weird to bring it up again too. I just— I know you said it was fine, but you just seemed like it was… I don’t know, like it was too much? So, I just wanted to say sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”</p><p>“You didn’t make me uncomfortable, Zuko. I was just surprised. I mean, you’re one of the most powerful people in the world and you said that <em>I</em>—a random non-bender from the South Pole—make <em>you</em> feel safe. I just didn’t expect it.”</p><p>“You think I’m one of the most powerful people in the world?”</p><p>“Well, yeah. You’re the Fire Lord, and you’re… well, you’re a really damn good bender. And person. You're a great person.”</p><p>Zuko glanced down to his toes, his cheeks flushing bright pink. He was almost smiling when he looked up again. “You’re a really good person too. You’re not just a random non-bender, Sokka. You’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever met. You’re smart, you’re determined, you have really pretty eyes—”</p><p>“What?!” The word shot out of his mouth before he could say anything. He imagined it, right? He imagined it. Zuko would never say that. “Sorry, I just—”</p><p>“I— I said you were smart and determined. That’s all.” <em>Fuck </em>he was cute when he was flustered. “I just said you were a good person and… stuff. Shit. Sorry. You heard what I said. I shouldn’t have— fuck. I’m sorry. I’m just— I’m going to— <em>shit</em>, I— I’m sorry.”</p><p>He scrambled to his feet suddenly, dragging his hands through the hairs which escaped his topknot; his knuckles almost turning white as he gripped onto the ends of them. Zuko didn’t say another word before he turned to leave the room, shaking his head quickly and mumbling something to himself before he bit down hard on his lip. His chest was rising and falling too heavily and though he felt like Zuko probably needed space, Sokka couldn’t let him go. He ran over to stop Zuko from walking out the door, latching onto his wrist, though he didn’t immediately turn around. When he did, he wouldn’t meet Sokka’s gaze; his shining eyes staring down at the floor between their feet instead.</p><p>“Zuko, hey. Listen to me. You don’t have to be sorry.” He didn’t know what to say. What Zuko said didn’t make <em>any </em>damn sense and he didn’t have the faintest idea how to respond to it. His mind was too clouded to think of any words and somehow, his mouth ended up running without it. “I know you didn’t mean to say that and it’s okay but I feel like you should know that I think— I think you have really pretty… everything.”</p><p>That was it. That was the last straw. He was about to die of literal embarrassment if he didn’t have a gay heart attack first. Sokka opened his mouth to try and backtrack, to take back the most awkward thing he’d ever said in his life, but it was too late. For the first time in what must have been <em>weeks</em>, Zuko finally lifted his eyes to meet Sokka’s, and their near golden color was too beautiful to take. His cheeks were flushed an almost unnatural shade of pink, his gaze drifting up and down Sokka’s face. Sokka nearly had another heart attack when he realized that Zuko wasn’t just looking at him, he was looking at his <em>lips</em>. Heart pounding in his chest, brain losing the last of its sane functions, Sokka made one of the stupidest, most impulsive decisions of his life without one thought spared for the consequences.</p><p>Zuko’s lips were slightly chapped and split in the place he always bit down on, but it didn’t make it any less perfect when they touched. Sokka pushed him back gently, his hands gripping onto Zuko’s shoulders when they moved back into the door, Sokka’s fingers squeezing beneath their grasp and Zuko’s awkwardly shifting at his side. Apparently, Sokka’s body was running <em>completely </em>without him at that point because he never once thought about lifting Zuko into his arms, it just happened. One moment, they were back against the door and the next they were on the floor; Sokka straddling Zuko and ignoring the stinging pain in his leg as the beautiful boy’s fingers gripped around the front of his shirt. His back arched off the ground when Sokka’s tongue dragged over his bottom lip, and Sokka slid his hands underneath before he lifted Zuko to sit up with him, their lips never parting as they did so. Zuko’s hair tickled his face just enough to make Sokka smile through their kiss as he slid away to pull Zuko onto his lap, holding his back more closely when Zuko wrapped his legs around his waist.</p><p>Something happened. He’d fallen down and whacked his head, or he never even woke up that morning in the first place because there was no fucking way that was really happening. There was no way that Zuko was sitting in his lap, legs around his waist as he twisted the front of Sokka’s shirt in his hands. There was no way that Zuko sheepishly laughed and bit his lip and Sokka reassured him using his fucking <em>tongue</em>. There was no way that his hands were around Zuko’s back underneath his shirt, feeling every muscle, bone, and his soft, warm skin, and yet somehow, it was <em>real</em>. Somehow, they’d gone from awkwardly talking to making out, Sokka almost out of breath but not wanting to pull away in case this was some kind of incredible mistake and it would never happen again. He slid his hands into Zuko’s hair, playing with the loose strands around his topknot as he savored the faint taste of tea on his lips.</p><p>Sokka was absolutely no expert, having kissed exactly two women, no guys, and gaining approximately no real experience with the women he had been with, but for some reason, Zuko let him lead the way. He followed Sokka’s movements, clinging to the front of his shirt and melding their figures together in a way they never had. Zuko’s entire body was unnaturally warm and when he lifted his hands to either side of Sokka’s face, his thumbs gently stroking both his cheeks, Sokka almost lost his mind. His fingers were callused but soft and gentle, just like him. He was temperamental and broken but he was so sweet and so, <em>so </em>beautiful. Sokka dragged him in close, his hands gripping around Zuko’s skin.</p><p>They finally parted their mouths after another long, perfect moment of working together in the greatest way they ever had. For a split second, Sokka thought for sure that Zuko would pull away and ask what the hell he was doing, but he didn’t. Instead of sliding away or running off or even saying a single word, he just wrapped his arms around Sokka’s stomach and pressed his head against his shoulder. Zuko closed his eyes and let out a deep breath while Sokka slid his own hands around his lower back, his fingers lacing together as he pressed one last kiss to the top of Zuko’s head. They stayed silent for a good minute, just breathing and sinking into each other’s grasp, before Zuko finally mumbled out a few words; each one audible but muffled by Sokka's shoulder.</p><p>“Just so you know,” he began, his tone soft and unreadable, “I think you have a really pretty everything too.”</p><p>Sokka pulled him in a little closer.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Chapter Twenty-Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sokka tasted like chocolate.</p><p>It was the perfect mix of sweet and bitter, rich and spicy, and was utterly identifiable in the most incredible and desirable way. Zuko never expected Sokka to kiss him, nor did he ever expect himself to enjoy something that he’d been taught for years was such a bad thing, but he did. Though they ended up close together as the result of an accident caused by his lack of a filter and embarrassingly poor social skills, what happened after that was not accidental at all. Sokka stared at him for a few seconds before he suddenly leaned forward and touched their lips together, and Zuko’s entire mind froze as he eased into what was happening and allowed himself, for once, to indulge in something bad. He clutched onto Sokka’s shirt, he tasted the chocolate on his lips, and when they finally parted, Zuko wrapped himself around him like they’d never be able to hold each other again. Because they couldn’t.</p><p>While it was happening, Zuko didn’t want it to stop. He wanted to savor the taste of Sokka’s kiss, to sit in his lap and have him drag his fingers through his hair and across his back for as long as he would. Sokka was stunningly beautiful and as much as the kiss was intense, it was soft and tender and the entire time, he moved in a way that respected Zuko’s unspoken boundaries and made it a thousand times more comfortable. Even when Zuko found himself blushing and nervous, Sokka reassured him with nothing more than his gentle touch. Just like every other time he’d panicked in his company, Sokka made him feel safe and happy and yet, as soon as they were apart, all the butterflies flew away and he just felt sick and disappointed in himself. He’d been doing such a good job resisting the temptations and then he just gave in. He kissed a boy. He kissed<em> Sokka </em>and he liked it and while he felt like he wanted to do it again, he didn’t know if he wanted to stop it more.</p><p>Though he knew it was wrong and he tried his best to stop, Zuko’s gaze kept drifting over to Sokka after it happened. When they were sitting in a meeting to discuss the plans with the colonies, when they were hanging out with Toph and Aang, even when they were just eating dinner, he couldn’t stop sneaking glances as he remembered what they did. No one knew, thankfully, so he didn’t have to worry about anyone discovering one of his weak points, but sometimes he thought about it anyway. Sometimes he feared what might happen if someone found out that he’d done something so wrong. That he’d committed <em>treason</em>, and— no. He didn’t commit treason. He didn’t do anything wrong. It was legal. Everything that his father told him was wrong. He lied. It was okay. He was allowed to like Sokka. He was allowed to like boys. It was okay. It was okay. <em>It was not fucking okay</em>.</p><p>He dropped his brush into the inkwell, dragging his hands over his face. The light in his bedroom was dim, but there was still enough illuminated from the candle for Zuko to be able to see his writings. He’d been trying to pen a letter for his uncle because it’d been too long since he actually sent one, but he couldn’t get the words to work. Everything he wrote felt like a lie but when he told the truth, it was something he couldn’t even begin to believe would be okay to send. All he wanted to talk about was Sokka, but he couldn’t write about that because it was way, <em>way </em>too fucking scary to tell his uncle that he thought he liked boys. And he couldn’t write about anything else that was happening either because somehow it always devolved into self-deprecating and confessing to how much he hated himself, to how he sometimes wished he’d fall asleep and never wake up again, and that, when things got <em>really</em> bad, he burned his own arm for comfort.</p><p>Zuko stared down at the writing on the page in front of him, his eyes stinging as he read through everything he’d shared with the ink. He couldn’t tell anyone those things. It didn’t matter if they said they cared about him, or if they claimed they wanted to help, he couldn’t be that burden on them. He couldn’t ruin their lives with his own stupid problems. He just needed to stop feeling sorry for himself. He needed to stop being such a little baby and eat and sleep when he was supposed to. He needed to stop acting like things were somehow bad enough for him, the richest fucking man in the entire nation, that he needed to use pain and panicking to cope. He needed to stop hurting himself because he was risking the security of the entire nation because of his own unstable mental state. He just needed to <em>stop</em>.</p><p>Almost shocked by what he’d done, Zuko ripped away from his own arm, his heart pounding as he realized that he’d done it again. He wasn’t even thinking about it, his mind in another place, but his arms were burned where he’d been dragging his fingers, leaving an awful, disgusting mark across the side of his forearm. He hated his scars more than anything, the ugly reminders of people and events he never wanted to remember, and yet he was out there trying to make more. He was such a pathetic excuse for a Fire Lord that he tried to make things even worse. He was practically throwing his nation away and he didn’t know what to do so he did the wrong, weak thing and dropped his arms onto his desk, burying his head in them. His arm stung where he’d burned it, his eyes filling with water as he shoved his head deeper into his safety of his arms. He wouldn’t cry. He was the Fire Lord. He needed to be stronger than that. He wouldn’t cry. He <em>couldn’t</em> cry.</p><p>He’s crying.</p><p>Though all he wanted was for it to stop, to be free of the awful feelings in his mind, Zuko gave himself a minute before he tried to regulate his breathing. He was fine. He was strong. He was the motherfucking Fire Lord, one of the most powerful people in the entire world, so why the <em>fuck </em>was acting he so pathetic? Zuko took a deep, shaking breath, trying to relax, to finish writing a letter that he could actually send, but he was jerked back to the wrong space when someone placed their hands on his shoulders. He sniffed and lifted his head, barely registering Azula’s presence before Mai nudged him into her arms; one hand on the back of his head as she pulled him forward into her shoulder. Zuko inhaled sharply, hoping to regain his composure, but somehow, the reassurance from Mai’s embrace and Azula’s brief rub on his back caused all the tears he’d been holding in to fall.</p><p>Neither Mai nor Azula said a single word. They gave him space at first, probably thinking about how fucking pathetic he was and how sick of babysitting him they were. He was the literal fucking Fire Lord and he did all kinds of shit for the nation but as soon as he got out of his meetings, someone had to be on top of him or he did <em>that </em>to his arm. It was stupid, lame, pathetic, and it all centered around the fact that he was a piece of shit who was doing things he knew he shouldn’t do. He indulged in things that were wrong, he took advantage of his friends, and he treated his body like it was disposable when he knew that he needed to be strong or else people could decide he wasn’t fit for the throne and the security of the entire nation and its people would be at risk. Zuko didn’t matter but the Fire Lord did and the people he was in charge of were depending on him to be better than he was. To make less mistakes than he was. To be more confident than he was. To be <em>better </em>than he was.</p><p>“I did thomething bad.” The words came out of nowhere and honestly, he didn’t even know why he was saying them. “I did thomething really, really bad and I’m thorry. I know it wath wrong. I thouldn’t have done it. I’m thorry. Pleathe don’t hate me. I’m thorry. Fuck, I'm thorry.”</p><p>“I have no idea what you just said,” started Azula, giving his shoulder a squeeze, “but I’m fairly sure you’re apologizing for something, so just stop, all right? You’re fine. We’ve known you our entire lives, Zuzu. We don’t give a shit if you cry sometimes.”</p><p>Zuko only nodded. If he hadn’t been muffled by Mai’s shoulder, he’d be explaining everything that happened, and he didn’t think he could do that yet. For a moment, he was thankful that neither of the girls pressed him to explain why he was crying like a stupid little kid, but then he wondered if the reason they didn’t ask was because they’d started to expect him to be that pathetic, at which point his heart sank down into his stomach. He hoped they at least couldn’t see how he’d burned himself, thanks to the ink he’d unintentionally smeared on his arms when he leaned onto the desk before.</p><p>“Father’th going to kill me,” he whispered, again unsure of where the statement came from.</p><p>Neither Mai nor Azula said a word. Azula froze where she stood, Mai’s hand ceasing its stroking for a long second before she shook herself off and pulled him in closer. Zuko was almost sobbing at that point and he knew it was stupid and pathetic, but he couldn’t get himself to stop. He felt <em>so guilty </em>about what he did, and <em>so sick </em>whenever he thought about how much he liked it, and all he wanted was to take it back. It didn’t matter how much he enjoyed it, it didn’t matter how nice it made him feel while it was happening, it was wrong. It was wrong and he knew it and having to think about it <em>hurt</em>.</p><p>“Zuko, your dad can’t hurt you anymore.” There was something about Mai’s tone that was almost hard to listen to, sad yet doing everything she could to reassure him. “Aang took away his bending and you locked him up in prison years ago. If you feel like he still can, you… you really need to talk to someone about this, okay? I’m not just saying that. You got to get yourself a therapist so you can get over this stuff.”</p><p>“No.” He shook his head, not shifting out of her grasp. “I <em>hate </em>therapithth. They’re mean and they yell at you and I hate them. I’m not getting a therapitht. I don’t want another therapitht.”</p><p>“Oh, <em>shit</em>.” Azula let out a deep sigh, shaking her head as she leaned back against his desk. “Fuck, Zuko, that didn’t even click until you just— it’s not the same thing, all right? It’s not. I get why you’re scared but this is exactly the kind of thing you need to talk about. That guy was a dick because Father hired him. If we got you a therapist now, they wouldn’t— okay, this isn’t going to work. Mai, can you just stay with him for a minute? I know this is worse than we thought but we only even came in here because he skipped dinner and he needs to fucking eat something.”</p><p>“Yeah, I got him.” Mai dragged her hand through his hair again, and it almost helped. If nothing else, it reminded him that he was safe. “Just get like some tea and chocolate or something, he’s not going to eat anything else.”</p><p>He was a baby. He was a stupid fucking pathetic little baby and he knew it and he <em>still </em>couldn’t stop the sob that escaped his lips when Mai suggested the snack. Zuko took a deep, shuddering breath when Azula turned to leave the room, biting down hard on his lip, and shifting to keep Mai from touching his arms where he’d burned them. It hurt. Everything hurt and all he wanted was for it to stop but he didn’t know how to make it happen. He didn’t know what to do anymore and it sucked and after <em>years </em>of pain, he just wanted a fucking break, but his mind refused to let him have one.</p><p>“Are you okay, Zuko?” asked Mai softly, brushing a strand of his hair out of his face.</p><p>For once, he didn’t try to lie or think of an excuse before he shook his head. He didn’t have any more to give.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“…and so, I was thinking, you could start a firebending dance school. You know, combine the two arts!”</p><p>“Are you actually suggesting that I open a dance school? For firebenders?” Zuko made a face, placing his tea onto the ground beside him before he went on. “No offense, Aang, but that’s one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard.”</p><p>“What? You’re the one who wanted to reintroduce the arts to the Fire Nation.” He slid off Appa’s tail, sitting on the ground across from him. “It doesn’t have to just be for firebenders either. You could have non-benders and benders working together to do the dances. It would be a great way for people to make friends and it would be really fun too. Imagine how cool it would be to have all the fire on the stage.”</p><p>“I was talking about like, theater and poetry.” He shot a glance to Sokka after the second one, but if he cared, he didn’t react. “Not… whatever that is.”</p><p>“But look how fun it would be!”</p><p>Aang hopped to his feet and began to dance around the courtyard where they were hanging out; Zuko leaning back against one of the walls, Sokka and Toph both lounged on the grass, and Aang relaxing on Appa on the occasion that he actually sat down. Zuko didn’t have a lot of time for a break, given that every politician and their cousin would be arriving at the palace the next day, but he took the time he had for his friends. Thankfully, everything else was in line for the stupid banquet, which meant that until he had to start meeting up with people, he didn’t have too much to worry about. He’d gotten everything ready, people were getting the things set up for him, and all he had to do was show up to explain to the Earth Kingdom nobles and Fire Nation colonials what exactly was going to happen to their homes. He was also slightly terrified that he would have a panic attack and then Toph, Aang, and the entire fucking Earth Kingdom would find out about his weaknesses, but he did his best not to think about it.</p><p>While fire spun around them as Aang showed off his dance-bending combo moves, Zuko found it hard to focus. Instead of watching Aang’s dancing, his gaze drifted to where Sokka was lying in the sun, his hands behind his head like a pillow. The sun glowed on his gorgeous brown skin, his chest rising and falling softly as he breathed in the warm afternoon air. His eyes were closed but shot open suddenly when Aang blew fire particularly close to him, at which point he sat up quickly and opened his mouth to scold him before he suddenly caught Zuko’s gaze. Instantly uncomfortable with the eye contact, Zuko turned away, hoping he wasn’t blushing too obviously as he looked back to Aang, who flopped back on the ground near Appa, saying something about how they could make dance-bending a great art if they just had the right people work on it.</p><p>It was Toph who finally called out Aang—or rather, <em>Twinkle Toes</em>—on his concept, and they got into a mostly playful argument about whether it was a good idea to combine two different but equally sacred arts. Aang said that they’d already been combined for the better and making it an official thing would only increase the range of skills for practitioners of both, but Toph wasn’t entirely on board with the idea and said that they could do whatever they wanted with firebending but dancing had no place in earthbending. Zuko didn’t pay it much mind, knowing that it wasn’t really something he could consider implementing at that point even if it <em>did </em>turn out to be a good idea, because he was far too busy taking care of things that actually mattered, such as the issues with the colonies which he was actively working on.</p><p>A few minutes into their argument, a servant came out to inform them that their lunch had been prepared, to which Aang and Toph both leapt up. Zuko was about to stand too, but stopped when Sokka turned to him, gesturing as if to ask if they could have a minute first. He nodded and told the other two to go ahead, to which Toph was all too eager, basically dragging a confused Aang back into the palace behind her. Zuko’s heart raced when Sokka moved closer to him, not standing up but shuffling over, his left leg lagging slightly behind him. He stopped at the wall beside Zuko, staying silent for what felt like forever before he finally opened his mouth; his tone hesitant when he spoke.</p><p>“Hey, is it all right if we talk about what happened?” he asked, chewing on his thumbnail. Unsure of what direction Sokka was trying to take the discussion, Zuko only nodded for him to go on. “Okay, so, the thing is, you are <em>really </em>beautiful. Like, I almost died when I was braiding your hair the other night because it’s so soft and you’re soft and now you’re about to kill me again with your blush. Dammit. Anyway, I don’t know what you thought, or if you want to just pretend that it never happened, that’s fine too, I guess. I’ve, uh— I’ve never actually kissed a guy before so that was kind of a new thing for me and I’m guessing it was a new thing for you too, so if you didn’t like it—”</p><p>“Sokka, it’s fine.” Zuko nearly slid a hand onto his knee but held back. He was the Fire Lord. He wasn’t supposed to do that. He wasn’t supposed to like boys. “It was really— it was really, <em>really </em>nice. I liked it. A lot. But I don’t know if I can do anything because I’m the Fire Lord and I’m not really supposed to—”</p><p>Out of nowhere, Sokka leaned forward and kissed him again. He held his hands on either side of Zuko’s hips, gently holding him there as he pushed forward with the affection. Zuko was shocked at first, stuck in his place and unable to move, but he managed to ease into it and felt everything coming together the way it had the first time. Sokka didn’t taste like chocolate anymore but the unfamiliar herbaceous flavor on his tongue was just as special as it was before. He pushed a hand onto Sokka’s leg, gripping his thigh and twisting the fabric of his pants when he did that thing where he licked Zuko’s bottom lip before deepening it even further. His heart pounded in his chest, his face burning as Sokka’s hands slid onto the back of his head, gently stroking his tied-up hair. It was perfect, it was incredible, it gave him a rush that he never, ever wanted to lose and yet something was still bothering him.</p><p>He pulled away, hoping he didn’t look too obviously upset when he did so because he didn’t want Sokka to think it was his fault. Thankfully, Sokka looked a little disappointed but not guilty, so Zuko thought he got away with it. He nearly opened his mouth to explain, to say that it wasn’t because of Sokka that he made them stop and that he was just suddenly <em>terrified </em>that there were people watching them—because there were guards on him at all times and that meant someone probably saw—but he snapped it shut again. When Sokka pulled away, shifting back into his own seat, he almost lifted his leg with his arms as if it were in such bad shape that he couldn’t move it on its own. Zuko’s brow furrowed in concern.</p><p>“Is your leg okay?” he asked suddenly, knowing how random it sounded given what they’d just done, and hoping he didn’t sound like a complete idiot.</p><p>Sokka seemed surprised. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, it’s all right.”</p><p>“Are you sure? It looked like you were having trouble moving it.”</p><p>“No.” He shook his head quickly, his gaze flickering downcast. “It just fell asleep when we were… doing that. It doesn’t hurt or anything.”</p><p>“Okay, I was just making sure.” Despite what he said, Zuko didn’t trust that Sokka was telling him the whole truth, given how awkwardly he was sitting and how one hand still rested on the part of his leg where the worst part of the impact had taken place. “So, that was, uh, that was really— I really liked it. I really liked it the last time too. But I’ve never done this before. I’ve never liked a boy before, and I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I’m <em>allowed </em>to do that.”</p><p>“You know, Jerk Lord, you are actually the Jerk Lord. You can do whatever you want to. I understand if you don’t want to do this, though. I’ve been thinking about it and honestly, I don’t know if I can really do it either. I mean, I— I really like you. I really, <em>really </em>like you and I never would have expected that, but I do, and it’s just that I haven’t told anyone else that I’m into guys. No one. You’re seriously the only person I’ve ever come out to and I like you so much, but I don’t know if I’m ready to tell anyone else.”</p><p>“That’s what I was going to say too, sort of. Not that I haven’t come out to anyone but I don’t even— I don’t know if I like— okay, no, that’s not the right thing to say because I really, really liked what we did so I guess I do like— but I don’t know if I’m— I just, uh, I don’t know if I’m okay with that.”</p><p>Something on Sokka’s face fell like a brick and instead of responding right away as he had been, he snapped his mouth shut and didn’t say anything at all. He stared at Zuko for a moment, his eyes flickering back and forth across his face, then looked down to his own hands and chewed on his thumbnail again, staring down at the grass. Zuko felt a wave of guilt wash over him, knowing he’d said the wrong thing. The very thing he was terrified of Sokka realizing, he’d just said right to his face and now he’d probably gone and lost his friendship forever, not to mention the potential for anything more than that. Before he could try to backtrack, Sokka rose to his feet, stumbling slightly when he pulled his left foot up beneath him.</p><p>“I think I’m going to go catch up with the others now,” he said, clearing his throat. He started to walk away, but stopped and glanced back to Zuko, unable to meet his eyes when he spoke again. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I don’t know why I did that. Either time. It was impulsive and stupid, and I won’t do it again.”</p><p>Zuko leapt to his own feet, chasing after Sokka before he could get away. “No, Sokka, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean it like that.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay, I get it. I don’t know why I thought it was all right for me to do that. I mean, just now, I— I kissed you right when you were trying to tell me that you didn’t know if you could do it. I fucked up. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done anything in the first place because I think you’re right. When I was growing up people never actually <em>said </em>it was wrong, but you know they kind of really heavily implied that boys shouldn’t— anyway, sorry. I get it. You’re right. We can just pretend this didn’t happen. Let’s not make things weird, okay? I don’t want Aang and Toph to know and I’m sure you don’t either. Sorry again.”</p><p>“Sokka!” He chased after him again, reaching out to take one of Sokka’s hands to stop him from walking back into the palace. Zuko stared at him for a second after he turned around, then reached out and awkwardly wrapped his arms around Sokka’s shoulders. He knew he was stunted and uncomfortable and terrible at socializing, but he hoped that Sokka understood he was trying to help. That he was trying to be there for Sokka the same way Sokka had been there for him. “<em>I’m </em>sorry. That’s not what I meant. Don’t feel bad about yourself because of me.”</p><p>“I—” Sokka hesitated for a second but reached his own hands up to wrap around Zuko in a way that was far too mutually comforting. Did the guy have no clue how to be on the receiving end? The realization hit him too hard that Sokka might really <em>not </em>know, always having been the one doing his damnedest to help everyone else. He held on a little tighter. “It’s not because of you, Zuko. I’ve known for a long time that I’m bisexual, but I’ve never had to really acknowledge it before. Back at the tribe being gay isn’t something you want to talk about and I’ve only ever liked girls before so I never really had to come to terms with it and I know it’s stupid given what we’ve all been through but the idea of having a boyfriend and actually needing to tell my family about that is <em>terrifying</em>.”</p><p>“You think that’s stupid?” Finally, Zuko slid away from Sokka, but moved one hand back down so their fingers were entwined. “It’s not. I tried to write a letter to my uncle to tell him what happened, and I tried but I couldn’t even entertain the idea that I might actually tell him that I think I like— sorry. And I know he won’t hate me. He <em>can’t </em>hate me, he’s the greatest man I’ve ever known but it’s scary. The day I got sick, I told Azula that I thought I might be into guys and I actually <em>cried</em>. Which probably isn’t surprising considering how much of a wreck I’ve been since you got here but I’m just saying that it’s hard. It doesn’t make you weak to feel that way.”</p><p>Oddly enough, he was almost smiling. “You told Azula you thought you liked guys? Before we…?”</p><p>“Well, yeah. Sort of. Fuck, you’re too smart. Just pretend I didn’t say that part.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay. I think it’s sweet. Also, I know it’s kind of obvious given I’m the one who started this whole thing, but I liked you before this week too. Look, if you don’t want to do anything, that’s okay. I really jumped into this and it was all impulsive so I shouldn’t have kissed you the first time and the second time was way out of line and I’m sorry. I don’t think either of us are really ready for this, so it’s probably just better that we don’t do anything, right?”</p><p>“Mm.” Zuko nodded, biting down on his lip in the same spot that was already laced with dried blood. “You don’t have to be sorry, though. It was really nice. Both times. Please don’t feel bad about yourself because of this. Or me. I didn’t mean anything about you. I have no problems with you being bisexual, I just went through a lot with my father and grandfather and I don’t know if I’m okay with <em>me </em>being—being into— being into guys.”</p><p>“I get it. But just for the record,” Sokka started, his tone ironically gentle, “your father is a piece of shit and I’m guessing your grandfather was too. Ozai abused you, Zuko. Please don’t listen to anything he said. I don’t care what it was, it wasn’t true.”</p><p>He made a face. “So, what’s the Fire Nation really called?”</p><p>Sokka laughed way too hard at his terrible, stupid joke and Zuko couldn’t help but smile too. He didn’t know how well his attempt to cheer up Sokka had actually worked—as hard as Zuko tried, especially when it came to the whole situation with his leg, Sokka was basically unbreakable when it came to asking him hard questions like that—but he liked seeing him smile again. He liked getting to see his bright blue eyes light up at the bad joke and he liked the way that Sokka squeezed his hand and pulled him in for one more quick hug before they split up. He especially liked the way that Sokka walked close beside him as they made their way to the dining room, their hands so close their fingers brushed together.</p><p>During their walk to the dining room, Zuko found himself continuously distracted by watching the way Sokka moved. Not because he was observing someone he’d been so attracted to—definitely not, as he was actively trying to get over that—but because when he watched, <em>really </em>watched, he could tell that Sokka was limping. It was subtle, almost not even noticeable, but when Zuko really stopped and watched the way his legs moved in comparison to each other, he realized that they didn’t match. Where his right leg moved correct and fluid, his left always lagged just slightly, his foot sliding against the floor for notably longer than his right. It was concerning to say the least, though Zuko wasn’t sure whether he should say anything about it. There was every chance that Sokka was already aware of what he was doing and since it was so subtle and they were already actively working to help him get stronger, he didn’t think it was worth starting another discussion over.</p><p>When they arrived back at the table, Toph was talking about something, but she stopped when they walked in. She beamed at them in a way that caused Aang to make yet another very confused face and ask if he was out of the loop on something, to which Sokka shrugged and said that if there was something, he was out of the loop too. Zuko didn’t bother to chime in. He just sat down at his seat and took a sip of tea, not quite ready to eat anything. He listened as Sokka explained that they were just talking about something to do with the colonies, wondering whether Toph knew that he was lying, but not having the courage to actually ask. He sounded smooth enough and Toph didn’t look suspicious, so he just hoped she bought it. Aang did, nodding along before telling them that he and Toph were discussing the logistics of combining bending and dancing. Apparently they’d come to the agreement that airbending would be <em>great </em>for it. Sokka rolled his eyes to that, pointing out that one person doing dance-bending wouldn’t be enough for it to catch on.</p><p>Zuko started to tune them out as he forced down some noodles, his gaze drifting over to Sokka far more times than it should have. Just because they’d agreed that it was better not to do anything didn’t mean that Zuko suddenly thought he was any less beautiful, nor his lips any less soft, or his touch any less comforting. He hoped that Sokka wouldn’t feel bad because of what he’d said, and that he believed it was only about Zuko because it was. He didn’t care who anyone else was with. He didn’t care who anyone else loved. It was <em>his </em>problem with himself that was holding him back from doing the thing he wanted to do more than anything else in the world. Because every time he looked to Sokka and thought his eyes were gorgeous, he heard a sound in the back of his head. Telling him he wasn’t good enough. Strong enough. Masculine enough.</p><p>But when he spoke to Sokka, when he held his hand, when he held him in his arms as he tried to make up for the things he’d said, somehow that feeling was dulled. Because, dammit, he <em>liked </em>Sokka. He liked him more than he’d ever liked anyone else in that way and all he wanted to do was be with him again. He wanted to kiss him again and hold him again and sit on his lap while Sokka played with his hair or held onto his lower back. He wanted the closeness, the comfort, the <em>care </em>that Sokka gave him and the side of that which Sokka was bringing out in him too. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it and it was fucked up because when he was with Mai, doing stuff not even half as intimate was absolutely fine but with Sokka, suddenly he had an air of guilt hanging over his head.</p><p>So, Zuko resolved, he couldn’t be with Sokka. But there was still a part of him that really, really wanted to.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Chapter Twenty-Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>At a certain point, Sokka recognized that he was being ridiculous about how much work he was doing to make himself presentable.</p><p>He wasn’t even important to the event. He was nobody. It didn’t matter what he looked like, it didn’t matter what he dressed like, he just had to be there and look like he fit in with all the people at the event. So why the hell did he spend so long making himself look nice? He combed his hair for longer than he had in years, adjusted his clothes far too many times over, took extra painkillers to make sure he wasn’t walking weird, and checked himself out in the mirror for far longer than was ever necessary. Sokka didn’t have anyone to impress, he didn’t have anything to do, and yet he was acting like it was the biggest night of his life. He was staring at himself to make sure he looked right. He was tugging at his soft blue sleeves to be sure no one would see any of his undesirable secrets. He was acting like <em>he </em>was the one who had to be at his best when he wasn’t even remotely valuable.</p><p>By the time he finally felt comfortable enough with his appearance to leave his room, Sokka was already running ten minutes behind. He hurried to meet up with Aang and Toph, still fiddling with the bottom of his sleeves as he walked over to them in the hall. Toph’s arms were crossed, while Aang’s expression appeared blank and slightly concerned when Sokka came out so late. He smiled when he saw him though, not asking any questions as to why he took so long. Sokka smiled back, glancing over his shoulder in the direction to where Zuko’s chambers were. As if on cue, Zuko appeared from around the corner, multiple people at his side including one Sokka recognized as an advisor and another who worked with his press. Sokka furrowed his brow when he saw them, or more specifically, saw <em>Zuko</em>, because while he looked hot as hell in his fancy Fire Lord outfit, something about his gait wasn’t right.</p><p>“Hey.” Zuko clearly hadn’t been intending to stop to talk to them, but Sokka caught his attention as they passed by. “Are you all right?”</p><p>He nodded briskly. “I have to deal with some last-minute shit, I’ll catch up with you guys after my speech.”</p><p>Even his voice was off, and Sokka realized upon getting closer to him that his entire body was shaking too. Not badly, not enough to be seen from a distance, but enough that in the moment he’d stopped in front of Sokka, he’d been able to recognize that each of his fingers was trembling uncontrollably. Part of Sokka wanted to chase after him, to make sure that he really <em>was </em>okay, but he talked himself out of it. Zuko was fine. It had been clear ever since they met that Zuko had issues with anxiety—actually, he thought it was kind of funny at first because he’d assumed Zuko was a killer badass but he was actually just a soft, awkward mess who was no better off than the rest of them—and Sokka needed to get past his overprotective tendencies and accept that it was natural for him to be nervous about what he had to do.</p><p>Sokka knew that it wasn’t even any of his business, that he and Zuko were nothing more than friends and friends accepted and were respectful of each other’s boundaries. But he still liked Zuko, regardless of their agreement, and he was falling back into the same thing he’d done with Suki. He felt like he needed to protect him even though he<em> knew</em> that Zuko understood his own limits and was more than capable of taking care of himself. He took a deep breath, doing his best to convince himself to accept that, but stopped when Toph spoke up.</p><p>“His heart was beating really fast.”</p><p>Aang’s eyes widened in concern. “He’s probably just nervous. I get nervous before I have to talk to big crowds all the time. He’s making a really important announcement for a lot of really important people. It’s probably nothing to worry about. My heart would be beating really fast too.”</p><p>None of them said a word on the subject after that, and Sokka forced himself to listen to Aang’s words. Zuko was <em>fine</em>. He was a little nervous, yes, but that was to be expected. He was carrying a huge responsibility and he was about to find out if an entire <em>kingdom</em> was okay with his choices. It would be concerning if he <em>weren’t </em>freaking out about that. So, with one more deep breath, Sokka pushed his fear from his mind and followed Aang and Toph down the hallways to the banquet room. He didn’t need to freak out. He didn’t need to panic. Zuko was fine, and even if he <em>was </em>a little overly stressed, he wasn’t in any danger. He was okay. He was fine. Most importantly, he was <em>safe</em>. Sokka didn’t need to protect him because there was an entire team of people paid to do nothing but that.</p><p>They were halfway to the banquet hall when Sokka practically leapt out of his shoes, turning his head to see who’d grabbed onto his hand. He relaxed his shoulders when he realized it was Toph. She said nothing to him, but he was fully aware of how quickly his heart was racing as the worst possible scenarios ran through his mind, and he was sure she was just trying to help calm him down. For once, he allowed it. She’d just told him the other day—it was okay. He could talk to her if he needed to. Even though he felt like having to be comforted meant letting his guard down and being weak, it didn’t. He didn’t have to be the big man of the tribe anymore. He never had to be that person and it was okay to let Toph hold his hand while he waited for his heart rate to slow down, doing his best not to think about what Toph thought of it.</p><p>The politicians’ chatter was loud and before they even rounded the last corner to the entrance, their talking was filling everyone’s ears. Toph immediately made a comment about how everyone was standing statue still like a bunch of old crones and Sokka was thankful for it. It made him feel a little better, getting his mind off the stressful evening and what Zuko was going through. Not that he needed <em>too </em>much help, because as soon as they got inside and saw the snacks table, all three of them rushed it so fast that they nearly toppled a few politicians on the way. They consumed far too many fire gummies, miniature cakes, and drinks for their own good but not one of them cared. The food was too good to pass up so they kept at it until someone from the Earth Kingdom tapped Aang on the shoulder and started asking them all questions about how they’d stopped Ozai after Aang introduced Sokka and Toph as two of his friends.</p><p>It was during a discussion about their time in Ba Sing Se when Sokka felt someone tug on his sleeve. He almost expected to see one of the politician’s children, wanting to ask a question about Aang, but he wasn’t even close. It was Zuko, standing behind him with an absolutely blank expression on his face, though his eyes were widened with fear. Sokka glanced over to where Toph and Aang were still talking to the growing crowd of listeners and decided that they were already so busy, they probably wouldn’t even notice if he disappeared. He turned to look at Zuko, who didn’t even blink when they made contact. Sokka raised his brow in concern, asking him to explain what was happening, but it took a second for him to speak; swallowing hard before any words came out.</p><p>“I need help,” he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.”</p><p>Sokka nodded and latched onto Zuko’s wrist, walking with him back out into the hallway. They didn’t stop right outside the door but made their way around a corner so they wouldn’t be right in the line of guests coming and going from the room. The moment they were out of sight, Zuko leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes as if he’d just run a marathon. He stayed like that for several long seconds before he finally opened them again, looking straight at Sokka as he bit down on his lip so hard you could see the blood around his front teeth. Sokka kept one hand around Zuko’s wrist, clapping the other one around the front of his hand in an attempt to be reassuring.</p><p>“Hey.” He waited for Zuko to blink, for his eyes to move enough for Sokka to know that he was listening. “What happened? What were you talking about?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Zuko shook his head, and Sokka gripped onto his hand tighter as he tried to calm his increasingly shaky fingers. “I was talking to my advisors and them about my speech and I realized that I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no idea what I’m talking about. I’ve been— I’ve been so distracted that I didn’t pay attention. I don’t know what decisions we made. I know— I know what the basic plan is, but I don’t know what to do if they ask questions. I don’t know how to answer their questions. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to dump this on you, but you helped come up with the plan and you know your shit, so I thought— I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do it. I can’t do this.”</p><p>“No, no, no, stop. You have to calm down. Zuko, hey. Look at me. You need to calm down. Just breathe, all right? It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You remember your speech, right? So, all you have to do is get through that, and then you just answer questions the best you can. If you freak out or if you don’t know the answers, I’m going to be in there, okay? You can ask me. I was on the team who built the plans. I’m qualified to answer. You can justify it.”</p><p>“I can’t. You hate public speaking. It freaks you out. I can’t make you do that. I can’t.”</p><p>“You’re right, it does freak me out.” In fact, his heart was <em>pounding</em> just thinking about it. “But you’re already freaking out, so how about we just split the load, okay? There’s not even any guarantee you’ll have to ask me for an answer. You’ll just know that I’m there if you do need it. All right? Does that work?”</p><p>“No.” He shook his head again, choking on his labored breaths. “I can’t ask you to do that. I can’t ask you to push yourself like that for me.”</p><p>“Look, I know I’m not good at public speaking, but I care about you. You’re my— you’re my <em>friend</em>, Zuko. We’re there for each other, no matter what. If Toph or Aang knew what the plans were, I guarantee you either of them would do the same thing. Well, Toph would be more likely to offer to beat up anyone who disagreed with you but— no, Zuko, it was a joke. I’m sorry. The plans are great, I know they’re going to go over well. Just breathe, all right? We got this.”</p><p>Sokka knew it was probably going too far given their prior conversation, but something overcame him in that moment and he felt like he needed to give Zuko an extra boost of confidence so he pulled their hands apart and draped his arms around the Fire Lord’s neck, not even reacting when Zuko failed to hold him back. He was stiff as a board, his entire body shaking as he continued to stare straight ahead as if he’d seen a ghost. Sokka pulled back after a few moments, then nodded towards the banquet hall, trying to urge Zuko to go back in. People were expecting him to be in there and regardless of how he was feeling, he had to make an appearance and he had to make his speech. They needed to trust their Fire Lord and they couldn’t do that if he didn’t even show up.</p><p>When they walked back into the room, Zuko turned to meet back up with his advisors and other relevant staff but didn’t get the chance before Toph shuffled over to them and threw her own arms around his waist. Sokka glanced past them to see Aang keeping the politicians busy, all while glancing over at the others as if he wanted to make sure they were all okay. Zuko seemed surprised that Toph gave him a hug, but Sokka didn’t think it was at all shocking given the fact that he was shaking so bad, Toph could probably still feel him out in the hallway. He awkwardly dropped his arms around her, returning the gesture for a few seconds before he mumbled something about having to get back to work and hurried over to where his advisors were waiting for him. Sokka watched him go in silence, only turning back around when Toph spoke up.</p><p>“Did something happen to Zuko?” she asked, her tone filled with fear. “I know you told us he was just stressed but he hasn’t stopped shaking the whole time I’ve been here. He hasn’t been this bad since he first tried to make amends with us. I’m really getting worried.”</p><p>“He’s… going through a lot right now.” Sokka hesitated, unsure of whether Zuko would want him to say. He took hold of one of Toph’s arms, leading her away from the surrounding politicians before he spoke, his voice low. “I don’t know if he wants me to talk about it, but he was in a really bad place when I got here. That’s actually why I decided to stay instead of going back to the tribe. I thought he was getting better for a while, but now I don’t know anymore. His mental health is just a shit show and it keeps going up and down and I can’t tell if he’s getting better or worse. I think— I think he’s <em>trying </em>to get better but he’s not good at taking care of himself, Toph. He’s actually really, really bad at it.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Toph’s eyes widened, her gaze pointed to the wall behind Sokka and one foot turned in the direction where Zuko was with the others. “Is he okay? Can we help him?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I’ve tried but it’s just not working. I think Mai and Azula wanted to get him into therapy, but he won’t do it. You’re right, he shakes like all the time and I know it’s not always as bad as it is right now, I’m just really worried that one of these times it’s going to break him. And I’m not saying that he doesn’t have a right to be nervous right now but he’s anxious <em>all the time </em>and I don’t know how to help him. I’ve tried, we all have, but he just doesn’t listen and it’s not as simple as making him see someone because he’s the fucking Fire Lord. If we go about this the wrong way, it could ruin him.”</p><p>“But if you don’t do it at all, it could kill him. Sokka, you don’t understand. There’s no way to win this. When Aang and I were traveling, we found Ozai supporters everywhere we went in the Fire Nation. They want Zuko out of the throne and if they find out he’s not mentally stable, they’ll try to take his power away from him, or even assassinate him while they know his guard is down. We have to do something.”</p><p>“‘We’?” Sokka frowned, doing his damnedest not to dwell on the fact that there were people out there who actually wanted Zuko dead. “Toph, you and Aang are leaving tomorrow.”</p><p>“No, me and Twinkle Toes are staying for as long as we need to,” Toph argued, crossing her arms. “We can’t just leave Zuko like this. You understand, you did the same thing. You literally just said it.”</p><p>“I know, but—”</p><p>“<em>No</em>. No buts. He’s important to us too and we’re not going anywhere if he’s seriously about to crack like you said. You can’t make us. Especially not after the way you freaked out on me too. You need help. Both of you.”</p><p>“I don’t—” He took a deep breath, realizing he was fighting the wrong point. “Toph, if you stay, you can’t tell Zuko why you’re doing it. He’s terrified of being a burden on the people he cares about and if you tell him, he’s going to feel like—”</p><p>“I know. I’ll think of something. But he’s not a burden on any of us, and neither are you.”</p><p>With that, Toph turned and shoved off back through the crowd, making her way over to where Aang was still entertaining the other politicians. She dragged him away from them by the ear, likely planning to let him know that she was unexpectedly extending their stay in the Fire Nation. Sokka just watched them go in silence, his eyes drifting over the crowd of green- and red-clad politicians who chattered all around the room. Zuko was standing several feet away from him, talking to one of his advisors and though his posture looked particularly regal, Sokka could tell even from a distance that his hands were still shaking. He almost wanted to go over and give Zuko yet another pep talk, but he stopped himself. Zuko was fine. He could take care of himself. Okay, actually, maybe not, but he was capable and could keep himself safe. He didn’t need Sokka reassuring him every six seconds, he was just being overprotective like he always did.</p><p>Only moments after Toph walked away, Sokka was stopped again by another group of politicians asking questions about Aang, as well as the colonies after Sokka mentioned his involvement in the conception of the proposal. Sokka did the best he could, answering everything he knew, telling the best stories he had from their time traveling, and he talked up both himself and Zuko. He could tell that the politicians were on the fence regarding the plans that Zuko was putting forth, both from the Earth Kingdom and the Fire Nation, so he tried even harder to win them over. By the time the room fell silent, awaiting Zuko’s speech, he felt confident that he’d at least swayed them to the side of open-mindedness. With that boost of confidence, Sokka pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to be visible and close in case Zuko needed him for any reason, even if it was just for a look of reassurance.</p><p>Toph and Aang made their way over to Sokka within a minute, and they stood together to watch Zuko announce his plans for the colonies, as well as a few other issues that were relevant to both countries. Though he couldn’t tell for himself when Zuko started feeling worse, Sokka started to recognize the way Toph shifted and how it lined up with Zuko hiding his hands. Occasionally, his breath shook a little, but overall Zuko managed to present himself as a strong leader; his voice never cracking nor stumbling on a single word. Aang looked enthralled by the information, and even Sokka felt himself sucked into the words though he’d been the one who wrote most of them.</p><p>There were definitely a lot of subtle signs that Zuko was anxious—his shaking hands, unfocused gaze, and the way he bit his lip each time he paused—but the way he spoke was filled with confidence in a way that almost made Sokka forget that he’d been freaking out only a little while earlier. Until, of course, someone asked him a question that he didn’t have the answer to, and he glanced over at Sokka with a look that could only be described as pure terror.</p><p>At first, Sokka tried his best to not have to go up. He subtly gave Zuko the answers, until someone caught onto the fact that he was communicating with the Fire Lord and questioned whether he had any business doing that, at which point Zuko brought him to the front of the room with him and introduced him as one of the masterminds behind the plans. Of course, that only brought on <em>more </em>questions because what business did some guy from the Water Tribe have making decisions for the Earth Kingdom? Zuko subtly told that guy to fuck off and said that Sokka was more than qualified to devise a plan regardless of where he was from and who it was affecting because he was smart, and the Fire Lord had okay-ed it. So then Sokka had to actually stand up there and answer questions alongside Zuko—who, in his defense, did do as much as he possibly could on his own—and it was one of the most embarrassing experiences of his life.</p><p>The worst part about the situation was that Sokka did know what he was talking about, he just didn’t know how to actually do it. People would ask him questions and while the answer came into his mind instantly, he stumbled over his words several times over before he managed to say anything, and at that point his explanations were so fumbled that someone inevitably asked a follow up question for him to clarify every single time. Worse, each time he got really uncomfortable he’d wanted to reach out and hold onto Zuko’s hand, but he couldn’t because they were in front of everyone, so he had to just hold his own hands behind his back. By the end of it, his palms were sweating like crazy, he was halfway out of breath, and he was pretty sure that he never, ever wanted to do any public speaking ever again because god fucking dammit he was bad at it.</p><p>When the questions finally stopped coming, Zuko went for his closing words, while Sokka turned and walked right out of the banquet hall. He wanted to be there for the last of Zuko’s speech, he really did, but he couldn’t. He could barely breathe, and the shame was just too much to take. Sokka groaned and slid down against one of the walls in the corridor, covering his face with his hands. He’d actually done that. He actually went up in front of a room filled with some of the most important people on the planet and tripped over his words again and again. Plus, he realized as he was walking out that he was doing that same damn tapping with his hands and everyone probably noticed it, leading them to discredit him and weaken Zuko’s points. So, he didn’t just fuck up everything for himself, he’d fucked it up for the Fire Lord too. He swallowed hard and reached into his pocket, glancing down at his stretched out, aching leg before quickly ingesting more painkillers that he’d brought along just in case.</p><p>“Hey, Sokka.” It was Aang who sat down beside him after Sokka had stuffed the bottle back into his pants, dragging one knee up to his chest and hesitating before he spoke. “You know, I wasn’t always good at public speaking either. When I was— no, actually, I think I was always good at public speaking. But you remember my friend Bumi? He wasn’t very good at it. He was really outgoing with small groups of people but when he had to stand in front of a crowd, he freaked out. Then he— well, I don’t really know what he did because I was in an iceberg, but the point is, he was really afraid of speaking in front of crowds too and now he’s the King of Omashu and gives speeches left and right. You can get better at this; I know you can. You’re so good at all the other stuff.”</p><p>“I know, and that’s the problem.” He rested his head on his knee, sighing deeply. “I’ve been trying for <em>years</em> now, Aang, and I’m just not getting better at it. I can do everything else; I can make plans and execute them and delegate orders, but I can’t talk in front of a crowd. I can’t talk in front of the tribe and that’s why I had to leave. Because every time I tried I looked more and more pathetic and compared to all the other men in the tribe. I’m nothing. I’ve tried to convince myself that I’m good for something but I’m not. I don’t matter. I never have.”</p><p>“Uh, what?” Somehow, Aang’s tone sounded genuinely confused as he pushed his legs out in front of him, scratching the side of his head in bewilderment. “Sokka, if you didn’t come with us to the end the war, we would have died. A lot of times. Probably every time. You saved our lives more times than I can even count. You’re not unimportant, you’re one of the most important people I’ve ever known. You’re smart, you’re funny, and you’re a <em>really </em>good friend. Just because you’re not good at public speaking doesn’t mean we like you any less.”</p><p>Sokka forced a smile, lifting his head to meet Aang’s friendly eyes. “Thanks, Aang.”</p><p>Before either of them could say anything else, another figure strode out of the banquet hall, this time being Toph. She walked over to where they were at, then flopped onto the floor on Sokka’s other side. “Hey, Zuko can’t get away from the politicians, but he wanted me to tell you that you did a really good job. Also, thanks for saving his ass, but I don’t know if that part was quite as important.”</p><p>“See?” Aang nudged Sokka in the shoulder, and this time his smile was a little more real. “I <em>told </em>you that you did a good job!”</p><p>“No, you didn’t.” He frowned, shaking his head. “You just came out here and told me that it was okay that I sucked.”</p><p>“Hey, hey, hey, what?” Toph hit Sokka in the shoulder too, significantly harder than Aang had before her. “What did I just say to you? You did not <em>suck</em>, Snoozles. Yeah, you struggled, and I’ll probably make fun of you for that later but you did your best. No one expects you to be good at everything. Especially since you’re already so good at the actual planning and drafting and everything, it wouldn’t be fair if you were badass at the rest of it too. You just need to stop putting yourself down. You’re doing great, Sokka. Seriously.”</p><p>He didn’t say anything right away. Honestly, Sokka didn’t quite believe her. He’d just absolutely butchered his public appearance and dragged Zuko down in the process. He stumbled over everything, embarrassed himself in front of the most important people in two countries, and then ran out into the hall to hide instead of facing his failures head on like a real man. Sokka was supposed to be stronger, he was supposed to be better, but he was still the same kid who ran away from home to help the Avatar. Even when he thought he grew, he didn’t, because he was still just as terrible at public speaking as he always had been. Part of him knew that he was being stupid, that he was banking his entire self-worth on something that didn’t even matter in the long run, but he couldn’t stop himself from focusing on his weaknesses.</p><p>“Thanks, Toph,” he forced out, choosing not to share the true thoughts in his head. “It means a lot that you guys care.”</p><p>“Of course, we care,” said Aang, giving him another smile. “You’re our family, Sokka.”</p><p>Sokka nodded. “I know. And I’ll always be there for you guys too, all right? I’m going to go make sure Zuko isn’t being killed by the old stuffy guys. I’ll catch up with you in a bit.”</p><p>“Okay. I’m going to get more fire gummies. Toph?”</p><p>The moment Toph nodded, she and Aang rose to their feet and headed back into the banquet hall. Sokka wasn’t as quick to move. He leaned his head back against the wall, letting out a deep, shuddering breath as he stretched his arms out to massage his left leg. It was stupid. It was so, <em>so </em>stupid. He hadn’t even done anything but stand around for an hour and it <em>throbbed</em>. It throbbed so badly that he almost had to pull it beneath him with his arms when he finally tried to rise to his feet; immediately dropping a hand on the wall for support. It was fine. He was fine. He was just weak and pathetic and overreacting, and he needed to stop feeling sorry for himself. It took him five minutes to get himself back into the banquet hall regardless.</p><p>Sokka made his way to the left where most of the politicians were, slipping one last pinch of painkillers into his mouth as he tried to figure out where Zuko had gotten to. There were so many people around, talking over each other and debating about this and that, that it was almost impossible to locate anyone. He circled back around to the others once, asking if they’d seen Zuko anywhere, but they hadn’t, nor had Azula or Mai when he came across them either. Suddenly, Sokka felt himself growing concerned, and he forced himself to get rid of the feelings. He was doing it again. He was being stupid and overprotective <em>again</em>. Zuko was just busy with some politicians somewhere in the crowd, and there were too many people to find him. It didn’t matter. It was fine. <em>Everything was fine</em>.</p><p>Knowing he needed to distract himself, Sokka allowed the next person to tap his shoulder to talk to him. He answered questions about everything to do with Aang, the colonies, and his involvement in both, all while forcing his gaze to stay focused. It was fun to recount the stories, he just needed to get better at putting himself first. His friends were right—he was putting himself down too much and even though it felt like it was impossible to stop, he had to try for their sake. Zuko was already falling apart and he couldn’t make things worse. So, he talked to the politicians, and the nobles, and everyone else that he could get to listen to his stories to distract himself. And, surprisingly enough, it was actually kind of fun.</p><p>It was only part of the night that was.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Chapter Twenty-Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Of course, nothing was as simple as you’d hope it would be and that was why Zuko was <em>not </em>buried in the crowd, entertaining dull politicians when Sokka failed to find him. He was, in fact, doing something much different and much less professional which was washing his face off after expelling all of the nothing and tea that he’d eaten that day.</p><p>He was fine. Truthfully, honestly, he was fine. Something just hit him like a tidal wave when he was standing in front of the whole room of people, trying to explain something that could and would determine the future of thousands of peoples’ lives. He was fairly sure he was all right. Sure, his head was pounding, his stomach churned, he couldn’t stop shaking, and he was having trouble breathing, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been before. After all, he didn’t have much to be freaking out about, right? The people from the Earth Kingdom seemed to think that his plan was good, and the few people he’d talked to before slipping out the back entrance had nothing but good things to say. He did feel bad about leaving Sokka when he was clearly not doing well either, but Zuko couldn’t stand in that room any longer without throwing up and so he sent Toph to speak with him instead. Zuko promised himself he would catch up with Sokka later to thank him too, just not quite yet.</p><p>After splashing cold water over his face a few more times, Zuko dragged a towel down it, looking in the mirror to make sure he didn’t look as ill as he felt. Thankfully, his cheeks were pink but not too noticeably, so he hoped he would be able to get away with it. He took a deep breath, stepping out into the corridor to make his way back to the banquet hall. He was planning to slide in through the back entrance, the same way he’d come out, but stopped before turning the last corner when he heard voices speaking nearby. They weren’t carrying through from the banquet hall but speaking right outside of it; their serious tones discussing something that Zuko couldn’t help but stop to overhear. He pressed himself back against the wall, barely glancing around to see which politicians he was listening to and sliding back into place before he could turn far enough to see them, longing for the peripheral vision he no longer had.</p><p>“That’s what I was telling you about the last time we spoke,” said the first man, his voice deep. Zuko had to strain to understand him, cursing not only his sight but his inability to fully process sound on that side too. “I know we all had our hopes high for the kid, but the entire nation is at risk right now. You can tell he’s putting forth his best effort, but he can’t do it. He’s not Fire Lord material. He’s not even royal material. God knows how that softy came from Ozai.”</p><p>Just like that, the sick, swirling feeling in his stomach was back. He clenched his hands into tight fists, trying not to think too hard about what they were saying. People criticized him all the time for various different things. There was no reason for him to freak out. Except that they were right, and he was putting forth his best effort and it still wasn’t good enough because <em>he </em>wasn’t good enough. And he didn’t believe that anything good should ever be referred to in context with Ozai but he was pretty sure they were just referring to the fact that his father was an absolute hard-ass bastard who never took a break for Zuko’s entire life at the palace, while his son was basically a pacifist little pansy who liked to sit out in the garden and feed grapes to the turtle ducks between meetings. He’d never really thought about it before, always being wrapped up in the good side of changes, but there were a lot of negatives to the way people would perceive him too, directly following his father’s reign.</p><p>“Yes, I understand. The shaking in particular is certainly cause for concern.” This man had a lighter voice but spoke louder, so it was slightly easier for Zuko to hear what he was saying though they were several feet apart. “If the people start to notice that, they won’t be able to trust him as a confident ruler, and if they don’t see him as a person of true authority, they won’t stand for it. We could have revolts on our hands, or even attempts by other nobles to take over the throne.”</p><p>And, of course, following the sick feeling in his stomach was the token inability to breathe. Zuko’s chest twisted in pain as he did his best to remain calm, knowing that regardless of what he heard, he needed to get back into the banquet hall, and he couldn’t do that if he was absolutely freaking out. He took a few deep breaths. The people did like him, didn’t they? Zuko might not have been the toughest person on the planet, and he was in no way a cruel or hard authoritarian leader as his father had been, but they liked him. He gave them everything they needed, and he worked to make the world a better place for everyone, not just the Fire Nation or himself. He wanted what was best for the people and they thanked him for it every time he wandered the streets of the Capital. So, they liked him, right? And the nobles liked him too. They wouldn’t overthrow him. There was no way that they would want to overthrow him.</p><p>“Right, so that said, what’s the solution here?” The first man did not say the words as a question, but as an opening. Zuko wished beyond anything he could hear well enough to identify the voices that were speaking. “Obviously, we can’t let him spiral any further or else one of the worst scenarios will happen. I was speaking to Manzo about this before he was fired and the conclusion we came to was that if it got bad enough, we’d try and convince the Fire Lord to abdicate the throne. That way, we can get a stronger ruler on there by means of succession and we won’t be at risk of someone taking him down and overthrowing the nation.”</p><p>They wanted him to abdicate the throne? In what fucking world did they think Zuko would <em>ever </em>abdicate the throne after being on it for a mere three years? He’d barely broken the surface of what he wanted to repair in the world, and they were already trying to shove him out because he wasn’t good enough. <em>He wasn’t good enough</em>. His entire fucking life, Zuko had never been good enough and when he finally, <em>finally </em>thought he was doing something right in the world, it turned out he still wasn’t enough. He took one of the deepest breaths he’d ever had, doing everything he could to keep himself calm. He needed to stay relaxed. He needed to go back in there and prove he was capable of being the ruler they needed him to be.</p><p>“Okay, how do you plan to go about that?” asked the second man. “The kid might be soft but he’s stubborn as hell too. He won’t just give up.”</p><p>“No, I know he won’t, that’s why I wanted to get you up to speed on this. We need to fight the right way to make this happen, some way to convince him to abdicate without letting him get hurt. Kid’s got a good heart; he’s just not fit to be on the throne. I mean, hell, nobody even knows where he is right now. A Fire Lord is never supposed to abandon his people but ours is a constant flight risk. He’s just got too much shit going on in his head to be able to run a nation.”</p><p>Zuko swallowed hard. He wasn’t a flight risk. He wasn’t going anywhere. Yes, he needed to get out of the room for a minute, but he had every intention of returning. And he knew he’d run out of a few meetings before, but suddenly he was wondering just how many he’d ditched to make people think he was actually a <em>flight risk</em>. He wouldn’t abandon his people. He would <em>never </em>abandon his people and he wanted to tell those assholes that, to tell them that they were fucking fired because they disrespected their Fire Lord, but when he poked his head around the corner again, they were gone. Someone else was walking down the corridor, and Zuko figured they must’ve headed back into the room, cutting off their conversation before the woman could hear. They didn’t know that the damage was already done.</p><p>Somehow in a worse place than he was when he left the banquet hall initially, Zuko took a deep breath before he slipped back in the door and tried to blend in with the crowds, mixing himself back in with the politicians so it would look like he’d never left. Thankfully, no one seemed to ask questions despite the men out in the hall claiming that no one knew where he was, and he managed to get back to work within minutes; speaking with the nobles about his plans, the way it would be implemented, and just general chatter. He tried not to think about what those two men had said about him, knowing that it was just stupid talk, that they could never convince him to abdicate his throne and whoever they were, they were fucking irrelevant and were in no position to be criticizing him. Except they were, weren’t they? That was the people’s job, to let their leader know if they were happy. Zuko felt lightheaded again.</p><p>He continued talking to the other politicians, doing his best to act like nothing was wrong, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about all the worst things that they could be implying, and his stupid thoughts kept driving him too far. Every time someone said he had a good idea, he thought they meant he took credit for someone else’s. Every time someone said he was friendly or something along those lines, he thought they meant he was weak. Every time someone said he was smart, he took it in a sarcastic way and his heart pounded in his chest. Those politicians were right, weren’t they? No one liked him. He was a pathetic excuse for a world leader, and he didn’t deserve the throne. He only had it because his father was a massive dick who didn’t deserve it either, but for entirely different reasons. Zuko managed to push the thoughts away for a few minutes, but then his entire world plummeted when one of the nobles’ children tugged on his sleeve.</p><p>“Are you okay, Mr. Fire Lord?” she asked, her squeaky voice full of compassion. “My daddy said you looked like you were sick.”</p><p>Though he wanted to break down right then and there, Zuko only nodded, forcing a smile. “It’s been a long day. You can tell your dad that I’m fine.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>The little girl was blissfully unaware of how much she’d broken him. People were making comments behind his back? And were they making them after he’d already thrown up or before, just because he was shaking a little on stage? Zuko swallowed hard, sliding over to the refreshments table. He knew a way to make the evening a little more bearable, he just needed to find a way to get away with it without anyone seeing him because <em>that </em>would make everyone know something was wrong. And the little detail that he’d be breaking one of his own laws, but they were <em>his </em>laws so did it really matter if he bent them a little bit? It wasn’t like anyone could get him into trouble for it. After all, he wasn’t just above the law, he <em>was</em> the fucking law. So, he grabbed a fruit tart to distract from his other hand, which slid a long glass bottle into his robes where it wouldn’t be seen.</p><p>It wasn’t the first time he’d heisted sake, though it was the first time he’d done <em>during </em>an event rather than before or after, which meant it was also the first time he’d done it with an audience. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice, and he managed to heavily spike a cup of tea beneath the table without getting caught. It didn’t taste good but within minutes of drinking it, he could feel the worst of his anxieties alleviating. He hung around the refreshments table for a little longer after that, downing two more cups of spiked tea just to be really sure that he wouldn’t freak out for the rest of the evening. If these people truly doubted him, if they genuinely believed that he wasn’t fit for the throne, then he was going to prove them wrong by being the best damn Fire Lord he could. How exactly he was going to do that, he didn’t know, but he figured he could think of something. All it took was a little bit of tea and a little bit of sake and suddenly, he felt like he was unstoppable.</p><p>When the next politicians came up to him, asking about this and that, Zuko had no problem going off at them and explaining everything. He thought. He wasn’t entirely certain what he was saying but it seemed like he knew what he was talking about for once, so he didn’t worry too much about it. He was holding conversations with ease, answering questions left and right, and his energy felt like it was higher than ever. Zuko was almost confident in himself for once, absolutely certain he was crushing the politicians at their game. A few of them even pointed out that he seemed to be in higher spirits, and he attributed that to the fact that the Earth Kingdom representatives seemed pleased with his ideas. A couple of the nobles also pointed out that he was doing a hell of a lot more talking than normal, but he just ignored those comments. He always got a lot more talkative when he was a little tipsy—he’d known that since he was fourteen—and honestly, it was better that he kept himself talking.</p><p>Zuko kept himself busy for a long but indeterminate amount of time after that, until he came across someone who finally managed to break him even through his half-drunken haze. It wasn’t anything intentional, at least, he didn’t think it was, just an offhand comment that struck him like a sucker punch. They weren’t even talking to him, the Fire Nation representatives from the colonies, but Zuko happened to walk by at the wrong time and caught the tail end of a conversation discussing what appeared to be how they’d doubted him. He didn’t know for sure, as they were standing to his left and the chatter in the room was deafening, but he was a thousand percent confident that he heard the words, “<em>I agree that he’s better than his father but this is a clear demonstration that he’s not qualified to run a country. A real Fire Lord would never have to ask someone else to answer his questions for him.</em>”</p><p>The part that hurt the most was that they were right. Zuko would never give his father credit for anything but it was true that he’d never had to ask for help from other people, at least not during Zuko’s lifetime. But here was his son, pitiful little Fire Lord Zuko, who’d already been almost in tears and begging for Sokka to help him before his speech even started because he was just that pathetic. He responded to a few more people after hearing that, though he shut down every conversation as quickly as possible before he slid back to the refreshments table. This time, instead of staying in and spiking another cup of tea, Zuko slid an unopened bottle of sake under his arm, hidden beneath his robes, and glanced around to make sure no one had seen before he turned to sneak out of the room. Of course, it couldn’t be that simple, and he was stopped by multiple people before he even got <em>near </em>the door, at which point he was stopped by someone that he couldn’t shake as easily as pushover noblemen.</p><p>“Oh, my gosh, Zuko, hi!” Ty Lee waved to him quickly, giving him a brief hug before pulling away with a big smile on her face. “Sorry I’m so late, I wanted to get here early but there was some stuff happening with the girls and then the boat left late, and it was storming and well, you get the point. How are you? How did your speech go? Did the Earth Kingdom people like it?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah, I think so.” He didn’t want to answer the first question because no, he wasn’t okay, and he didn’t want to talk about it. He also didn’t think that the Earth Kingdom people liked his speech at all but technically he’d only heard bad things from the Fire Nation so far, so he didn’t say anything. “I’m pretty sure Mai and Azula are over there if you want to—”</p><p>“All right, thanks!” She started to walk in the direction he’d pointed, but stopped, turning back around with an uncharacteristically serious expression on her face. “Hey, you haven’t heard anything from Sokka, have you?”</p><p>Zuko frowned, confused as to why she would be asking about Sokka of all people. “Not since a while ago? I’ve been busy, though, with all the people who want to talk about this shit. He’s probably with Toph and Aang, I heard they were telling stories about how we stopped my father. Sorry, I don’t mean to run out on you but there’s something I need to go check on. I’ll catch up with you guys in a bit.”</p><p>He barely recognized the increasingly perplexed look on her face before he slid past her out of the banquet hall. He really didn’t want to run out on her the way that he had, but he didn’t know how long he could keep the sake hidden in his robe before someone bumped into him and broke it or he forgot he was holding it and shattered it. Zuko sent one more look to Ty Lee, reminding her of where his sister and Mai were at, though she seemed to search for someone else after nodding. He knew he should be more interested in why she was acting weird, but Zuko’s mind was already cloudy and all he wanted was to get the hell out of there and sit down for a few minutes. He did his best not to be seen as he sneaked away from the event, slipping through the halls to the nearest entrance to the courtyard and breathing out a deep sigh of relief once he made it.</p><p>Sitting in the garden was somewhat of a coping thing at that point and Zuko was well aware of it. Being beside the turtle duck pond brought him comfort in the same way that drinking tea did. It was familiar, nice, gave him relief even when it was nothing more than taking him from fucked-up to content. After one more glance around to ensure that there was no one else around, Zuko slipped the bottle out of his robes and yanked the cap off, holding the opening to his lips. He drank far too much of it at first, the liquid stinging his throat, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. He was used to drinking far too much at a time, though admittedly it was usually tea he was consuming rather than alcohol. He stared down at the pond in front of him, watching the little creatures swim around happily, and quickly took another long sip of his sake.</p><p>All things considered, Zuko felt like he was fine. He was barely under the legal drinking age after all and it was far from the first time he had anything. He didn’t do it regularly, just when he got particularly stressed, and it felt like a good time to have some. He’d crossed a bit of a line drinking it straight from the bottle instead of mixing it with something else, but it wasn’t a big deal. Zuko was fine, and in fact, he was practicing great self-care! He knew that he needed a break, so he stepped outside to get one. Was he drinking alcohol while he was doing it? Yes. But was it for anything other than to take the edge off his anxiety? No. Therefore, he was doing things to make himself feel better which was self-care, right? Everyone said he needed to take better care of himself. That’s what he was doing. Easing his anxiety and giving himself a break when he knew he needed it. He was doing exactly what they said!</p><p>Having convinced himself that he was absolutely in the right and that nothing bad could come of his decisions, Zuko sipped again at his sake, blinking several times when he realized the bottle was half empty. How much did he chug after opening it? It didn’t matter. He felt better, and the bottle wasn’t even that big anyway. Zuko breathed out a deep sigh, his eyes fixed on the turtle ducks swimming around in front of him. He placed the bottle in his lap, reaching one hand up to cover his left eye. Clear. Everything was clear and perfect, and it was like he was looking at a photograph instead of real life. Then he slid his hand to the other side of his face, and everything was blurred. He could still see the figures of the turtle ducks but not as more than little blobs floating in the water. Not as more than dots where gorgeous creatures should have been.</p><p>Zuko never talked about the complications he’d suffered due to his burn. He was overly aware of them, yes, because who wouldn’t notice the fact that they couldn’t see, hear, or feel properly on one side of his face, but it wasn’t something he shared. He was quite sure his Uncle Iroh knew about or suspected it at the very least, despite how Zuko denied experiencing any issues beyond his first few months of recovery, but no one else knew anything. He didn’t have a reason not to talk about it, he just didn’t. People stood to his left and he had to ask them to move because he couldn’t hear half of what they were saying, they gave him things to look over and he took an embarrassingly long time to read because he could only half-process the words in front of him, and worst of all, he sometimes yelled at people for being on his left side where he couldn’t see what they were doing. No one said a word about these things, but he didn’t think they knew, they just respected that he was the Fire Lord, and they were in no position to criticize him on stuff like that.</p><p>He dropped his hand back down to his side, reaching to lift the bottle back to his lips. For a split second he felt a little bad about it, but then he remembered that he was practicing self-care and let himself indulge a little more. Zuko was good. He was <em>great</em>. People needed to fuck off already because he was a goddamn amazing Fire Lord and if they thought his father was better then they belonged in hell right alongside him. Sure, sometimes Zuko was a little bitch and didn’t know how to talk to the big intimidating adults but he was doing his best, all right? He was nineteen fucking years old running an entire country and if he freaked out a few times, that wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault except his bastard father’s for being an asshole and not running the nation in a way that would’ve kept everyone safe and prevented him from having to take the throne before he was even old enough to legally drink away his anxieties.</p><p>Groaning, Zuko flopped back onto the grass behind him, his head resting near the base of the tree beside the pond. He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, still taking a swig of his drink every few seconds. The sky was beautiful that night. It was dark, yes, and he tended to get very sleepy by the time it was dark, but not that night. He was tired from all the shit going on, but he wasn’t actively falling asleep like he did sometimes. He was having a great day and he was doing his best and everyone could be damned if they didn’t agree because he was a fucking good ruler and he did good things for the world and he didn’t deserve the way they all fucked him over every six seconds because they didn’t think he was strong enough or old enough or wise enough to make the fucked up decisions he had to make. He didn’t even know if he thought he was any of those things either, but it didn’t matter because even if he wasn’t, he had to make those decisions. There was no way around it and there was no point in pretending there was.</p><p>When the sake stopped spilling into his mouth, Zuko tossed the empty bottle onto the ground beside him, throwing an arm over his eyes and ignoring the reminder of the shit he’d been thinking about before. Given the potential complications from his injury, he should have been glad that he got away with what he did, but it was hard to compare to the worst possibilities when he’d been given one that felt pretty shitty too. Zuko knew he needed to get back into the banquet hall and speak to everyone, and he knew they’d have realized he was gone by then, but he couldn’t get himself to stand up. Instead, he let out another breath, thinking hard about what he would do when he got back in there. He needed to do something that would make everyone believe that he was a great leader. He needed to do something that would stop them from thinking that he was a pathetic piece of shit who wasn’t worthy of running the nation he’d inherited.</p><p>“Get up.”</p><p>The words weren't more than a blur and Zuko barely had time to turn his head and process the sound before someone was already shoving him into a seated position and clinging to his wrists. He let out a sharp cry when the large hands gripped around his fresh burns, immediately heating up his arms again and trying to shoot at his attacker. Each effort was proven futile, as his coordination was severely impaired, and he couldn’t even see who was holding him thanks to how far they stood to his left. Zuko tried to pull away, to throw the man off him, but he couldn’t escape from his attacker's grasp or hardly move thanks to how badly the world was spinning, and what he could manage was little more than a stumble.</p><p>“<em>Let go of me</em>.” His words came out slurred and more begging than commanding, his arms still struggling to pull away and shooting fire in uncontrollable directions. “If you hurt me, my friendth are gonna— my friendth are gonna kill you. <em>Thtop</em>.”</p><p>“Get away from him!”</p><p>The only thing he saw was a bright blue flash from somewhere to the left of him and the only thing he felt was intense heat before the grip around his wrists finally released. Zuko doubled forward onto the ground in front of him, his chest rising and falling heavily as the awful, <em>terrifying </em>sound of electricity crackled around the courtyard. He threw his hands over his ears, squeezing his eyes shut tightly and biting down on the edge of his lip. It wasn’t directed at him. It wasn’t directed at him. There was lightning all around him and it was horrible and scary, and it reminded him of bad things, but it <em>wasn’t directed at him</em>. It wasn’t meant to harm him at all, it was being used to <em>save </em>him.</p><p>“Hey.” Azula was on her knees in front of Zuko out of nowhere, one hand on his cheek trying to get him to open his eyes and the other squeezing his shoulder tightly. “Are you okay? Zuko. Open your eyes. Are you hurt? Zuko, listen to me. <em>Zuko</em>.”</p><p>Slowly, Zuko lowered his hands away from his ears, nodding quickly. Lightning and apparent assassination attempt aside, he felt <em>great</em>. He’d just made a crazy important speech and then he practiced excellent self-care by giving himself a break when he knew he needed it and finding a way to make his anxiety less debilitating. How could it get better than that? It couldn’t. That’s how. He was doing great. <em>Great</em>. Phenomenal. Couldn’t be better. His heart was still pounding from the lightning and the attacker, and he couldn’t get himself to open his eyes for more than a second, but it didn’t matter. He was great.</p><p>“No, ‘m not hurt. Jutht my armth but that’th becauthe I wath thad earlier tho I burned them all up. And I don’t think he wanted to hurt me, I think— I think he wanted to kill me.” Zuko’s voice was soft, but his chuckles and grand mannerisms were more than a little dramatic. “He’th prodably— probably one of the people who doeth— who doethn’t think ‘m a good Fire Lord. He wanth me <em>dead</em>. Can you believe that? <em>Dead</em>. He wath gonna <em>kill </em>me. It’th really— it’th kind of funny, ithn’ it? ‘Cauthe I wath jutht thinking about killing mythelf thith morning and then he cometh over here like, ‘Need thome help with that?’”</p><p>“That's not funny, Zuko. What the fuck?” Azula’s question was clearly not directed at his comments, but the way in which he was speaking almost incoherently, laughing at the terrifying situation, and swaying drastically in her arms. Her grip tightened on his shoulder. “Are you <em>drunk</em>? Where the fuck are your guards?”</p><p>“No.” He shook his head quickly. “‘M fine. I wath jutht thelebrating my thuper kickath thpeech. Love the way eve’yone ith thayin’ ‘m not fit for the throne. Love the critithithm. Love it. You got anythin’ to add? ‘M takin’ all the crit—criti—critiqueth tonight. I think if I lithten they won’t— they won’t wanna kill me anymore. And I thneaked away from my guardth. I didn’t want them to thee me drinking. I didn’t— I didn’t want them to know I wath drinking.”</p><p>“God, no. Seriously, Zuko, what the <em>fuck</em>? You’re supposed to be in there negotiating something that could literally change the fucking world and the relationship between two nations, and you’re <em>drunk</em>. What the fuck is wrong with you?”</p><p>“Dunno, tha’th why I wath lithten—lithening to everyone’th commen’th. They know what’th— what’th wrong. They know ‘m a piethe of thit. Tho doeth that atha— athath— that guy. And you. Tha’th why— tha’th why you came out here to— to yell at me.”</p><p>“I didn’t come out here to yell at you,” said Azula, though that was exactly what she was doing, “I came out here to make sure you were all right because you’ve been so fucked up recently but someone was trying to fucking kill you and you’re so wasted you couldn’t even fight back. You— <em>fuck</em>, Zuko. If something’s wrong, you’re supposed to talk to us, not run off and make it worse.”</p><p>“No, ‘m not making it worth. Needed a bre— a break. You thaid to take care of mythelf and I needed a break. I wanted a break.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s good that you recognized you needed a break but you’re fucking drunk as shit, Zuko, and we can’t— <em>fuck</em>. I don’t know what to do now. There are still so many people you have to talk to, and now we have to deal with this asshole, and—”</p><p>“‘M thorry,” he mumbled, his looking up to her for the briefest moment before he snapped them shut. “I didn’t mean to be an ath— an ath— I didn’t mean to make you mad.”</p><p>“No, not you, Zuzu, you’re fine. Don’t worry about that. I was talking about—” She barely gestured to the unconscious, masked man beside them before turning back to her brother. “Never mind. Shit. Let’s go back inside and get you some water, all right? You need water. We’re going to go find Mai and Ty Lee and you can stay with them while I talk to the guards and find something to make you feel better. Sound good?”</p><p>“Mm.” Zuko shook his head again. “I don’t need to feel better. I feel <em>great</em>. I got all thith ad—adren—adrenaline from the ath— the athath— the bad guy and I had a lot of th—th—tha—thake and it made me thtop feeling anxiouth and now I feel really, really good. It'th great. I feel great.”</p><p>“That’s not— no. No. Come on. We’re going inside. You need to get back in there before anyone realizes something’s wrong.”</p><p>Azula kept an arm around him as they stumbled to their feet, back into the building, and through to the banquet hall. Quite honestly, Zuko didn’t understand what the big deal was because even though the assassination attempted was terrifying, he felt fucking fantastic. But he also knew that Azula was scary and she could shoot lightning and he didn’t want to argue with her, so he didn’t resist as she held his arm to steady him through the crowds. He really didn’t need the help, but she was going to find their friends, and he wanted to see them all anyway so he could prove to them just how fine he was(n’t).</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Chapter Twenty-Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zuko was missing for a good twenty minutes before Azula finally dragged him back into the room.</p><p>The moment they walked in, Sokka knew something was wrong. Zuko’s eyes were halfway closed and Azula’s arm was wrapped tightly around his as he stumbled with each step. He tried to interact with some of the nearby politicians, but Azula refused to let him and pulled him over to the refreshment table, nodding furiously for Sokka to come over when she caught his gaze. By the time Sokka was over there, Zuko had already been passed into the arms of Mai while Azula wandered off to the other end of the table, shoving her way through nobles and politicians to get to wherever she was going. Mai kept her distance, clearly trying to make it seem like nothing was wrong, though Zuko was almost swaying back and forth, blinking irregularly, and talking far too much to be normal.</p><p>“Thokka!” When he emerged from the last of the politicians between him, Zuko, and Mai, Sokka was almost attacked by a hug from the Fire Lord which came out of absolutely fucking nowhere. His bloodshot eyes looked up into Sokka’s but turned away when he went to make eye contact; his arms clinging to Sokka’s neck. “Hi.”</p><p>“Uh, hi.” Sokka frowned, giving a look to Mai as he tried to ask what the fuck was going on, but she only shrugged, gesturing towards Azula as she shook her head. Carefully, Sokka pushed Zuko away from him, holding his hands around his arms in a way that forced him to stand up straight. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“’M <em>great</em>.” Zuko nodded quickly, his words slurring unnaturally when he spoke. It wasn’t the first time Sokka noticed he had a slight lisp, but it was the first it was so heavily prominent it couldn’t be ignored and that, aside from the stench of sake on his breath, was what tipped Sokka off to what was happening without explanation. “I wath really— I wath really a—an—anxioth, but I did thelf—thelf-care and I took a bre— a break and I feel <em>great</em>. I feel <em>tho </em>much better. Hey, Mai. Mai, look. You know Thokka. Do you think he’th pretty?”</p><p>“I— okay?” Mai’s face was twisted in both concern and confusion, and she blinked awkwardly as she answered. “Do <em>you </em>think he’s pretty?”</p><p>“Yeah. He’th the prettietht— the prettietht perthon I ever met. He’th even prettier than you. No. Thorry. ‘M not thuppothed to thay that. ‘M not thuppothed to like boyth. But look how pretty! You’re tho pretty, Thokka.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Of course, Sokka was flushing furiously not just from his words or the warm fingers tickling his cheeks, but from Zuko’s <em>stupidly </em>adorable lisp. Combined, he was left far too flustered and confused to formulate any kind of decent response. He glanced around, noting that Mai shot daggers into the eyes of anyone who dared stare at them for too long. “You’re cute too but you need to be quiet, all right? You can’t say that in here. And Mai, I would really appreciate if you didn’t say anything about this either.”</p><p>She nodded. “Wasn’t planning on it.”</p><p>Before either of them could come up with something better to say about the conversation or shut up Zuko before he could blurt out something else he most definitely did not intend for the entire world to know, Azula came back with a cup of water which she practically forced into Zuko’s hands. The look on her face was a mix of pissed off and concerned, and Sokka knew immediately that he didn’t want to say anything to get on her bad side.</p><p>“I don’t have time to explain everything but gist of it is that someone just tried to kill him, and they almost succeeded because he’s drunk as shit and he can’t defend himself. And I know you have to kind of manhandle him right now but be careful, all right? He said he was sad this morning and he fucking burned his arms up.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Zuko nodded too eagerly for what he was agreeing to. “I wath catching up on the mail and I thaw that my uncle thaid he wathn’t coming tonight becauthe the older Earth Kingdom nobleth don’t like him becauthe of the thiege and he didn’t wanna rithk my planth. Then, even though he thaid he wath thorry and he told me ‘good luck’, and he loveth me, and he mitheth me, and he’th gonna come vithit thoon, I wath thad tho I thtarted crying. But then I realithed I couldn’t cry becauthe my eyeth would be bloodthot and everyone would thee it, tho I burned mythelf to make it thtop. It worked and I didn’t cry, but now my armth hurt really bad. Oh, and you got a letter too, Thokka. It wath from— it wath from Bato but I didn’t read it. I didn’t— I didn’t wanna read your mail.”</p><p>His heart skipped a beat. Sokka’s fears weren’t wrong and everything Toph said was the truth. Someone tried to kill Zuko. Someone tried to kill Zuko and he wasn’t fucking there to help. Not only that, but he finally got something from the tribe. He got something from the tribe and it wasn’t even from his dad or Katara. It took everything for Sokka to keep himself from freaking out, forcing himself to put his energy into keeping Zuko’s hands in appropriate places. Considering he’d just come out of a literal assassination attempt, he was acting stupidly goofy and sweet. He <em>hurt </em>himself and he was still acting silly and open and cheerful and it was almost too hard for Sokka to watch. He pulled Zuko a little closer to him, careful not to press on his arms.</p><p>“All right, Mai, can you take him outside and make sure he drinks this? Getting him to vomit would be preferable too but I don’t know if we can make that happen. I need to cover his ass.” When Zuko shook his head and clung to Sokka’s arm, Azula only rolled her eyes. “Fine, Sokka can do it. Mai, help me cover for him, and see if you can figure out where Ty Lee went too. We can’t let these people figure out that our underage Fire Lord is fucking wasted.”</p><p>Sokka nearly pointed out that talking about it in the middle of a bunch of politicians probably wasn’t a great idea, but the women strode off before he had a chance. Thankfully, nobody around them seemed to notice that something was wrong, and Sokka was able to guide Zuko out of the banquet hall with only a slight struggle. They stumbled into the hall, Sokka draping a hand around Zuko’s waist to steady him once they were out of view. They walked far away from the banquet hall, turning down multiple corridors to get to somewhere that was completely empty before Sokka finally stopped walking and urged Zuko to drink his water. He wasn’t too eager, refusing several times, but Sokka managed to get him to do it by holding his hands while he raised the cup to his lips. Of course, then things got worse because once it was empty, Zuko dropped the cup right onto the floor and threw his hands onto either side of Sokka’s cheeks.</p><p>The kiss was good. It was really, definitely, exceptionally good. Zuko was a hell of a kisser even if he was struggling to stand upright, and he clearly liked Sokka despite their whole agreement to do nothing. The problem was, of course, that he tasted like nothing but dull alcohol and he was still shaking like he would fall over any second. Sokka found it hard to resist at first, the feeling of kissing the Fire Lord being one that was almost impossible to refuse, but the situation was all kinds of fucked up and so he pushed Zuko away when the he draped his arms over Sokka’s shoulders, trying desperately to get him to stop. Sokka slid Zuko’s arms away from him, pushing him back into the wall with his hands and gripping a little too tightly as he did everything he could to get Zuko to relax.</p><p>“Zuko, <em>stop</em>.” His tone was bordering on desperate, but Zuko’s was slurred as fuck so it wasn’t like he could be ashamed of it. “I can’t do this. You’re drunk, Zuko. You don’t know what you’re doing. I can’t take advantage of you like this. Please. You have to stop. I can’t do this to you. I can’t. Zuko, <em>please</em>.”</p><p>Finally, Zuko stopped trying to cling to him, stumbling and tripping backward against the wall. His breathing was unsteady, his hands shaking badly as his back struck the surface behind him. Tears welled in his eyes but none of them fell as he failed to blink, staring at Sokka in silence and biting down on his lip. Though up to that point he’d been so upbeat, so open, something seemed to snap when Sokka pushed him away and instead of being an overly affectionate drunk, he just looked like a hurt child. He opened his mouth for a second, but bit back down on his lip, his legs shaking as he slid suddenly to the floor beneath him and apologized profusely, though many of the words he said were almost unintelligible due to how badly his speech was slurring.</p><p>“‘M thorry. I don’t know wha’th wrong with me.” His chest shook with sobs as he shoved his hands over his eyes to push away the tears that threatened to fall. Though Sokka almost thought it was better to keep his distance given what happened, he dropped to his knees in front of Zuko, wrapping him in an embrace and pulling him into his shoulder. “Why are you doing that? Why do you— Why do you keep doing that? Every time I thtart being thtupid, you— I jutht— and you— <em>why do you thtill like me</em>?”</p><p>Sokka knew that he was only being so dramatic because he was completely wasted, but it didn’t stop his heart from breaking when Zuko practically shouted out the last question through his sobs. Instead of trying to explain when even he himself didn’t fully understand his feelings, Sokka just held onto Zuko tighter, placing a hand on the back of his head when he stopped resisting and sobbed into Sokka’s shoulder; his entire body trembling badly as he sobbed loud enough that Sokka feared the guests would be able to hear him from the banquet hall. Sokka nestled his own head in the crook of Zuko’s neck, stroking his hair gently and holding onto his back tightly as he tried to get Zuko to follow his gentle breathing. It didn’t work, and instead, Zuko launched into another drunken rant because apparently he was unable to control a damn thing he said under the influence.</p><p>“They all hate me,” he said, his words still thick, slurred, and choked with sobs. “Everyone— they all hate me. They don’t think ‘m good enough to be on the throne. They don’t— they <em>hate me</em>. They want me— They want me to adbi—abdi—abdicate the throne. Everyone hateth me and I don’t know why you don’t. I don’t get it. Even <em>I </em>hate mythelf but you don’t— I jutht crothed all your fucking boundarieth and you’re thtill— why don’t you hate me? <em>Why</em>? I don’t detherve you. I don’t. You’re fucking— you’re the greatetht, thmartetht, prettietht perthon I’ve ever met, and I don’t even know why you want to be friendth with me let alone <em>kith </em>me. Fuck. I don’t detherve you.”</p><p>“Yes, you do.” Sokka nearly slid back to look at him but decided that giving him comfort was more important. He held on a little longer before scooting back a couple inches, one hand on Zuko’s face and the other on his neck; twisted to avoid touching his scar. “They don’t hate you, Zuko. They don’t. Everyone is just worried about you. We just want to make sure that you’re okay because sometimes you seem happy but most of the time you really, really don’t seem like you’re doing well.”</p><p>“It doethn’t matter. I’m thorry. I thouldn’t have made you help me. ‘M thuch a fucking piethe of thit. I knew— I <em>knew </em>you hated public thpeaking and I made you do it anyway and people thaid I wath fucking pathetic for not doing it by mythelf and I thouldn’t have made you do it. ‘M thorry. I thouldn’t have athked you to do that. ‘M thorry. It’th okay if you hate me. Everyone else doeth. I do.”</p><p>“<em>No. </em>I don’t hate you. Just calm down, okay? You’re fine, you’re just drunk. Everything feels worse right now because you’re drunk. I need you to be quiet for a minute, all right? You didn’t do anything wrong; you’re just freaking out and you need to breathe. Just breathe. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you. I… I actually really, <em>really </em>like that you push me out of my comfort zone. I wouldn’t have done anything about my leg if you didn’t help me. You’re a good person, Zuko. You are.”</p><p>Zuko shook his head but didn’t say anything else. Instead, he just reached his arms out for another hug, and Sokka couldn’t refuse. He was wasted as shit which meant there was no reasoning with him, and Sokka didn’t know what he was supposed to do. There were still people in the banquet hall who wanted and needed to talk to Zuko about the colonies but there was no way that was going to happen. Zuko couldn’t even talk to Sokka without sobbing or fawning over him and there was no way he’d be able to hold a serious political discussion. Sokka ran through the possibilities a thousand times in his head, trying to find some way he could get Zuko to finish talking to everyone so they wouldn’t know that something was wrong, but he couldn’t find a way that would work. There was no way that Zuko, in that state, could go back into the banquet hall. Against his better judgment, Sokka decided to put it up to the drunk guy.</p><p>“Hey.” He used his thumb to push a tear off the right side of Zuko’s face, waiting for him to make eye contact and quickly look away before he spoke. “Okay, the thing is, there are a lot of people in there who want to talk to you. I don’t think you’re in any place to be doing that, but I need you to tell me how <em>you </em>feel, all right? Did the water help at all? Do you think you can go back in there?”</p><p>“I don’t wanna.” His voice cracked again and Sokka swallowed hard. It was bad enough seeing Zuko when he was anxious, but when he was drunk and spilling every damn truth he had, it was almost too much to bear. “I know ‘m a fucking baby but they— they all <em>hate </em>me and they wanna kill me and I know I need to talk to them but ‘m <em>tho fucking tired</em>. I jutht wanna go to bed. I don’t like thtaying up late. I don’t wanna be awake anymore, I jutht wanna go to bed. I jutht— I jutht wanna fall athleep and not ever have to wake up again.”</p><p>“All right. That’s okay.” Sokka slid his hand back down to pull Zuko into his shoulder, holding onto him tightly for another minute to allow him to calm down before he pulled away, his hands still around Zuko’s shoulders. He was absolutely not okay with Zuko never wanting to wake up again, but the guy was in no coherent state to negotiate. It was easier to keep his heartache inside. “I need to go tell Azula that you’re not coming back. Do you want to come with me? Or can I come find you in a minute?”</p><p>“No. I can’t go back in there like thith, it’ll jutht prove to them all how fucking pathetic I am.”</p><p>He nodded, knowing it was pointless to argue when he was so goddamn wasted. “All right, I’ll be back in like, five minutes, and I will walk you back to your room and braid your hair and you can sleep for as long as you need to. I just have to tell Azula so she’s not expecting you back.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>There was no worse feeling than leaving Zuko alone in the hallway in that state, especially after he’d <em>just </em>come out of a serious assassination attempt, but Sokka didn’t have much of a choice. They’d already been gone for way longer than it took to down some water and throw up some sake, and Azula needed to know that they weren’t going to come back. He threw one last reassuring look in Zuko’s direction before he turned away, speaking to the first guard he saw and requesting they keep an eye on Zuko and not say a <em>word </em>about what they saw. As soon as that was settled, he walked as quickly as he could through the corridors to get back to the banquet hall, reaching for his bottle of painkillers but resisting the urge to take them. They had barely done anything that evening so far; he doubted another dose would make a difference.</p><p>Once he got to his destination, he practically burst through the doors, scanning through the people as he tried to figure out where Azula was at. He came across Aang first, but he couldn’t stop to talk and had to ask him to hold the anecdotes for later because Zuko was drunk off his ass and waiting for him in the corridors (because he was apparently an overly emotional drunk and instead of making him angry or stupid, the alcohol just amplified everything he was already feeling times a thousand).</p><p>He found Toph after that and told her that he would explain later, and she pointed him in the direction of Azula but trailed him the whole way there, clearly looking for more information. Sokka had to shove past countless politicians and nobles to get over to them, shutting down every conversation as quickly as he could so he could get out of there, only to come to a skidding stop when he saw that Azula was not alone. She was not only with Mai, but with their other Fire Nation noble best friend who just so happened to be dating the girl he’d run away from and lied to, Ty Lee. Sokka hesitated before walking over to them, Toph making confused faces at his side, but he pushed forward. Zuko was more important than the <em>chance </em>that someone on Kyoshi Island knew he’d ditched his life.</p><p>“Hey, Azula.” He interrupted whatever conversation they were having with his low voice, knowing his was more important. “Listen, Zuko is—”</p><p>“Sokka!” Of course, it was Ty Lee who sprung him with a hug, her expression almost shocked. His heart pounded faster. “You’re here. What are you doing here? Suki and Katara and your dad are all freaking out. We didn’t know where you went. Everyone was so worried. You—”</p><p>That was why Bato sent the letter and not his dad. If they were with Suki, then him and Katara weren’t even there to read it. They were freaking out. Suki, Katara, his dad, they <em>cared</em>. They all cared, and they didn’t answer his letter because they were already gone by the time it arrived. They were already on Kyoshi Island trying to track him down, trying to find out what happened to him and make sure that he was okay, not hanging around the tribe and celebrating his absence. Somehow, that only made him feel worse. His entire family was freaking out because his stupid mental health was a shitshow and he ran away instead of dealing with it. He ran way instead of asking for their unconditional love and support. It was too overwhelming. Sokka swallowed hard.</p><p>“Okay, look, I’m sorry and I know I did a shitty thing, but I can’t deal with this right now. Zuko is seriously wasted. There’s no fucking way he can come back in here right now. I talked to him and he said he’s tired and he wants to go to bed so I’m just going to take him back to his room. He can’t be in here.”</p><p>“No, Sokka, he doesn’t have a <em>choice</em>,” snapped Azula, her tone almost aggressive. “These people are depending on him to fix their lives. Thousands of people need him to talk to their leaders, so they know what the fuck is going to happen to their houses and their jobs and their supplies. He needs to be in here or this whole thing is going to fall apart.”</p><p>“I don’t care.” Sokka hated hearing himself use that tone but if she was going to be a bitch, he was going to bitch at her right back. “I know this is important, Azula, <em>I’m </em>the one who came up with half this fucking plan. But Zuko is out there literally sobbing because he’s so fucking overwhelmed with everything going on. He’s done. He can’t do this tonight. I don’t care what bullshit you feed these people to explain why he left; I’m not bringing him back in here.”</p><p>“What? Is Zuko okay?” It was Ty Lee again, mostly looking to Mai for answers but not getting any and finding that Toph only looked just as concerned as she was.</p><p>“Fuck, Sokka, I know he’s falling apart but the nation is at risk right now.” Azula got a tad too loud and lowered her voice drastically before going on. “He needs to be in here. You don’t understand. You don’t know what will happen if the people stop trusting him. I seriously doubt that fucking assassin was acting alone, and—”</p><p>“I don’t <em>care </em>if the people trust him,” Sokka told her, throwing his hands up dramatically. “I need him to be okay. We all do. He needs a break and I know this is important, but he’s been working since before the sun came up today and he’s tired and he just wants to sleep, so he’s going to get some goddamn sleep. I’m not negotiating this. I’m done. You can figure out what to do amongst yourselves. Toph, please stop her from following me.”</p><p>Toph did as she was told immediately, stepping in front of Sokka when he turned around and crossing her arms to stop Azula getting by. Unfortunately, she was only trying to stop <em>Azula</em> from going after him, which allowed space for Ty Lee to get through because Mai was in no way planning to chase her down and Toph was busy fighting with her own task. Sokka didn’t realize that Ty Lee was following him until she was already at his side, her eyes wide in concern. He almost thought she was going to say something about Zuko, asking what happened while she was away, but that wasn’t what came out of her mouth and he found it was somehow even more difficult to listen to.</p><p>“Sokka, everyone is so worried about you,” she said, her tone soft but scared as well. “I almost didn’t even come because everyone was freaking out. Suki was supposed to be my date, but she didn’t come with me because she’s back on Kyoshi Island with Katara and your dad trying to figure out what happened to you. What are you doing? Why are you even here?”</p><p>“I—” Sokka stopped walking, whipping around to look at her. He opened and closed his mouth once before turning to resume his stride. “I can’t do this right now. I really, really can’t do this. I’m sorry, I’ll talk to them later, but I have way too much shit going on right now to even begin to conceive of how I’m going to deal with that.”</p><p>“Please, wait, Sokka!”</p><p>He didn’t wait. He shoved past the crowds of politicians to get out to the corridors, his own eyes prickling with tears though he didn’t know whether it was out of fear or pain. Deep down, Sokka <em>knew </em>that his family would be worried about him and he didn’t do anything about it. He <em>knew </em>that everything was going to go to shit, and he let it. He should have said something, he should have sent a letter so they would know where he was, and he didn’t and now they were on Kyoshi Island trying to figure out why the hell he never came home. While he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about it the whole walk through the corridors, Sokka knew he was in no place to be trying to deal with any of that right then and made the best decision he could have. Yes, his life was in the shitter, but Zuko was way worse off and he needed help far more urgently than Sokka did. All Sokka had to deal with was the aftermath of a bunch of lies, but Zuko was in the middle of a serious fucking crisis and he couldn’t be left alone. He needed someone to be there for him.</p><p>Sokka’s heart nearly pounded right out of his chest when he stepped back out into the corridor to find Zuko missing but was able to relax when the guard he’d left to keep watch directed him towards the restroom nearby. He knocked on the door, letting out a soft sigh when he heard nothing but a cough in response. It was for the best, he knew. Honestly, Sokka was feeling a little like he wanted to throw up himself, but he refused to let himself crack. He leaned back against the wall, waiting until the door beside him finally opened up and Zuko stepped out; pale and swaying badly, almost collapsing into Sokka’s arms. His skin was cold and slightly clammy, his breathing heavy and unnaturally slow.</p><p>“Thorry,” he mumbled, sliding an arm loosely around Sokka’s waist as Sokka shifted to hold him up, “I wath throwing— I kept throwing up. I don’t feel good. I don’t— I don’t think the water wath good for me.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” Sokka had to resist the urge to laugh, focusing his efforts on making sure Zuko didn’t stumble and fall right over in his drunken state. “I think it might have a little something to do with all the alcohol too.”</p><p>“Yeah. Maybe.” Zuko reached a hand up to rub the sleep from his right eye. “Wath the mad?”</p><p>“No.” He shook his head quickly. Sure, Azula was pretty much livid when he walked away, but Zuko didn’t need to know about that. At least, not until he was sober and could deal with it in a coherent manner. “She’s a little mad at me because I was kind of a dick, but she’s not mad at you. You’re fine.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>With that, Sokka was finally able to steady Zuko enough for them to make their way through the endless corridors back to his room. It shouldn’t have taken long but Zuko was still swaying and staggering dramatically which made it far more difficult to get anywhere in a decent amount of time, as Sokka had to pretty much drag the Fire Lord to stop him from falling flat on his face—a feat made much more difficult by his own ever present limp. Zuko was still acting far out of character too, having stayed quiet for only a few seconds after they stood up before babbling incoherently about the politicians, which led him to education reform, which turned into a rant about theater, which somehow ended with him playing with Sokka’s hair and going on about how pretty he was. Though he knew Zuko was drunk and had absolutely no idea what he was saying, nor was he likely to remember it in the morning, Sokka couldn’t stop himself from turning into a smiling, flushing mess when he did that because <em>a cute boy thought he was pretty</em>.</p><p>Eventually, they managed to make it to their destination—only after a pit stop to the kitchens because Zuko <em>insisted </em>he needed a cup of tea—and Sokka helped Zuko take his crown and formal wear off before he flopped down into bed. He laid down right on his side, and so Sokka nearly turned to leave to let him get some sleep, but Zuko pointed out that Sokka had promised to braid his hair and so he was forced to turn back around and join Zuko on the bed because he couldn’t sit up for two seconds to make it easier. He was finally silent, however, saying nothing for almost a minute while Sokka dragged a comb through his soft hair before he broke the silence with a quiet, slurred voice that was difficult to understand.</p><p>“Father’th gonna be mad at me.”</p><p>“What?” Sokka stopped dead in his tracks, the comb halfway through Zuko’s hair. He wanted to say something else, but he didn’t even know where to begin. The comment just made no sense.</p><p>“I thaid you’re pretty and then I made you kith me,” said Zuko, rubbing a hand over his eye as he let out a sleepy breath. “Father’th gonna kill me. ‘M not thuppothed to think boyth are pretty. It’th bad. He thaid if I liked boyth he would— he would hurt me. ‘M not— ‘M not allowed to like boyth.”</p><p>His heart dropped into his stomach as he resumed his work, dragging his fingers through Zuko’s hair with a touch that was more comforting than productive. “Yes, you are. You changed the law, Zuko. It’s okay. Your asshole father isn’t here anymore. He’s in prison. He can’t hurt you.”</p><p>“Mm. He doeth it all the time.”</p><p>“<em>What</em>? What are you talking about? When?”</p><p>“When ‘m thleeping.” Sokka froze in a state of rage and fear for a solid fifteen seconds before he realized that Zuko was, in his drunken state, referring to <em>dreams </em>and not his father somehow breaking out of prison just to abuse his son and be back by morning. “He doethn’t think I thould be Fire Lord.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, I don’t think <em>he </em>should have been Fire Lord.” He sighed deeply, dropping the comb onto his knee. “Listen, Zuko, I have nightmares a lot too. Not about Ozai, but about how we stopped him. It’s not a big deal, you just have to remember that it’s not real. You’re safe now. Ozai is in prison and we’re all okay. You’re okay, I’m okay, Toph and Suki are okay…”</p><p>Zuko shifted, pulling away from Sokka suddenly and leaving his hair brushed but not styled. “Ith that what your nightmareth are about?”</p><p>“Usually, yeah. The day of the comet was pretty scary.”</p><p>“Do you wanna talk about it?”</p><p>“No, that’s okay.” Sokka didn’t even stop to think of whether he really did or not. He felt no better about venting to Zuko while he was drunk than he did about kissing Zuko while he was drunk. Taking advantage of him emotionally wasn’t an improvement over physically. “I don’t really talk about it, but thanks.”</p><p>“Can I give you a hug?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You thound upthet.” Zuko pushed himself into a seated position, giving Sokka a look that was far too deep for how wasted he was. He held his arms out, not moving forward until Sokka opened his own, sliding his hands around Zuko’s back. “You’re really, really pretty. And you’re thmart too, and funny, and you give the betht hugth in the world. Altho you’re a really good leader and planner and kither and anyone who thayth otherwithe ith wrong becauthe you’re great. You’re tho pretty.”</p><p>“Thank you, again,” said Sokka, trying desperately to fight off his flustered look. It wasn’t even a real compliment, Zuko was just babbling because he was out of his mind. There was no reason for Sokka to dwell on it. He lifted Zuko’s chin and pushed a strand of hair out of his face. “You’re very pretty too.”</p><p>Sokka decided to give up on finishing Zuko’s hair when he flopped down into the pillows, blocking the last of the ability Sokka had to do it. It wasn’t a big deal, though, since he was only even trying to braid his hair to be kind. If the drunken Fire Lord didn’t care anymore, there was no reason to fight him. Instead, he watched quietly as Zuko’s eyes drifted shut, his breathing falling steady as he relaxed for the first time since before the sun came up. Though he was still definitely drunk and the pale, dark bags beneath his eyes were hard to look at, Sokka felt a little better knowing that Zuko didn’t have to go back to the event. He, on the other hand, was fairly sure he had to go back and find Ty Lee before she beat him to the punch and told everyone what was going on. So, when he thought Zuko was finally asleep, he went to stand up, only for Zuko to suddenly reach out and grab his wrist.</p><p>“Thtay. Pleathe,” he whispered, his eyes open only halfway. Sokka couldn’t refuse. He sighed, shifting to give Zuko more space, but shook his head. “Thtay there. Pleathe. On that thide.”</p><p>Knowing he wouldn’t get a coherent answer but puzzled as to why Zuko <em>wanted </em>him on his impaired side, he couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Why?”</p><p>“I don’t wanna thay. It’th thtupid.”</p><p>“I’m sure it’s not stupid.”</p><p>“Mm.” Zuko nodded slowly, bitting down on his lip a little too hard. “I can’t thee out of my per—perith—peritheral vith—vithion, and ‘m thcared thomeone ith going to break in and try to athathinate me again and I won’t know until it’th too late becauthe I can’t thee them unleth I turn my whole head that way and I can’t do that fatht enough becauthe everything thoundth muffled on that thide tho I can’t— I can’t hear anything on that thide. And even if they don’t, I thtill don’t wanna be alone, becauthe I don’t know what I would do to mythelf either. I don’t wanna die, Thokka. I jutht— I jutht wanna feel better but everything I do jutht maketh it worthe and I don’t— I don’t know how to feel better anymore.”</p><p>Sokka’s face fell, looking to Zuko in a way even he couldn’t quite explain. He’d recognized a long time ago that Zuko lagged on his left side and was fully aware that he was uncomfortable with people being there, but he’d never had confirmation of his suspicions before. Even when he asked a few weeks ago, Zuko denied that there was anything wrong with his vision. Now he was admitting that he had no peripheral vision <em>and</em> a loss of hearing on one side and he was scared it was going to get him killed. It was a big step up and honestly, Sokka wasn’t quite sure how he was supposed to deal with it, <em>or </em>the fact that Zuko was apparently terrified of himself too.</p><p>So, instead, he just said nothing and slid back onto the pillows beside the Fire Lord, not moving when Zuko placed his head down on Sokka’s chest. Sokka wrapped an arm around Zuko’s shoulders, pulling him in close. He didn’t know what to say but he knew that Zuko needed a hug and honestly, he really felt like he did too. Somehow, the few minutes before they fell asleep would probably the most relaxing he had for ages. Just holding each other close and listening to Zuko’s gentle breaths before he had to deal with what might happen with Ty Lee, his family, and the Fire Lord's inevitable hangover. No matter how you painted it, not one of those situations would be easy to deal with. But it didn’t matter.</p><p>It didn’t matter because he had Zuko in his arms and he was okay. They were together and they were okay, if only for a little while.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Chapter Thirty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>No one knows everything about themselves. They may think they do, but then something new comes along and changes everything they thought. Sometimes it’s something simple, such as discovering a new food and finding out their favorite flavor is one they’ve yet to have, but other times it’s a far more drastic change. Sometimes, someone may believe they are a stoic badass who strikes fear into the hearts of anyone they dislike, only to find out that they’re actually a massive softy who sleeps a thousand times better in the arms of someone bigger and stronger than them. That they’d always believed they were the kind of person who would become filled with rage upon having too many drinks, but instead they got only overly emotional and overly clingy. That even while they believed themselves to be a loner, someone who didn’t need anyone’s help, they felt endlessly safer when wrapped up in the arms of someone they cared about.</p><p>Not that Zuko was necessarily <em>surprised </em>to find that he was the little spoon, he just wasn’t particularly proud of it.</p><p>When he woke up the morning following his speech, the first thing Zuko noticed was that he had a splitting headache; one worse than he could ever remember having before. The sun was already rising but he could barely look at the light and shoved his head back down into the pillows, groaning as he squeezed his eyes shut tight. He was about to try and fall back asleep, but something stopped him. Suddenly, he was very aware of the fact that he was not flopped all over his bed by himself. Instead, he was lying on his right side, curled up in the arms of someone else who fit to his back like a puzzle piece, their head buried in the crook of his neck. He looked up quickly, and again, wasn’t surprised to find that it was Sokka’s arm around his waist, his dark brown hair tickling Zuko’s neck, he just wasn’t exactly thrilled that he’d somehow made the jump from “not doing anything to “let’s spoon” and he couldn’t even remember why or when.</p><p>That thought stopped him in his tracks. What the hell happened the night before? Most of the day was a blur, given that he slept around three hours and then had to get up <em>before </em>the sun to get everything ready in time for the guests to arrive, but it wasn’t just that his memory was cloudy. He remembered panicking before and after his speech, as well as giving his speech and hearing people shit on it after the fact, he just couldn’t remember a damn thing following that. He drank tea, right? He drank a lot of tea. Three or four cups in a few minutes. The last thing he remembered was talking to Ty Lee, but he didn’t even know what they said. Just that he cut their conversation short and ditched the banquet hall to go out into the garden and drink a bottle of stolen—</p><p>Oh. <em>That’s </em>what happened. People were talking shit about him left and right, and the stress hit a point where he felt he couldn’t manage it, so he had some sake. A lot of sake. Possibly an entire bottle of sake, though everything pretty much faded out after he sat down by the turtle ducks. He vaguely remembered Azula yelling at him, but not much more than that. Definitely not anything <em>after</em> that. He had no idea what happened when he got back to the event, or if he even went back at all, and couldn’t even begin to imagine what he did to make Sokka fucking spoon him. Zuko hoped that he didn’t do anything too stupid. Sure, he was going through a lot, but Sokka was going through a lot too and putting more shit on him wasn’t fair.</p><p>That said, Sokka’s grip was really nice—though he was oddly cold and his skin a little clammy—and he found that he didn’t want to move. Sokka had an arm around his stomach, slipped under his shirt to hold directly onto his skin; his head pressed up against Zuko’s back between his neck and his shoulder as he breathed out softly and deeply, signaling that he was still fast asleep. Zuko almost tried to slide out, knowing he had things to attend to, but instead, reached down to grasp the hand Sokka had around his stomach. His fingers were a little chilly and a little shaky, but his grip was warm and comforting and Zuko found it easy to close his eyes again, leaning back into Sokka’s arms. He knew he should move. He knew he shouldn’t lay around in bed all day or snuggle with a boy, but it felt too nice to want to move. Sokka’s grip was so calm and comforting, his face so peaceful and pretty. Not that he would ever say he thought Sokka was pretty, not after the training room fiasco, but it was true.</p><p>“Hey.” It was Sokka speaking, not moving from where he lay at Zuko’s back. His voice was thick with sleep, and Zuko had an awful feeling that he’d only woken because Zuko did first. “Does your head hurt?”</p><p>“Like Toph kicked it,” Zuko groaned, his own voice just as quiet as Sokka’s. Though, he realized after a moment that that Sokka was lying to his left, so there was every chance he was speaking at a perfectly normal volume and Zuko just wasn’t able to process it. He hoped Sokka wouldn’t notice. He wasn’t ready for that conversation. “Did I drink a lot?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I assume so. You were wasted as shit. Spent half the night throwing up. You made me get up to find you more tea twice.”</p><p>He didn’t say anything else, his body shifting slightly as he pulled Zuko in closer to him. Honestly, Zuko wasn’t sure if Sokka was even aware of what he was doing given how sleepy his voice was, but he didn’t ask. After he said that, Zuko did vaguely recall having to get up several times during the night, and Sokka playing with his hair a number of times over, though he didn’t remember any other details about it. Noticing the teapot on the table beside him, he realized that Sokka really wasn’t joking, and that much was easy to go along with considering he how dehydrated he must’ve been. Zuko sighed and nuzzled back into the pillows, trying to get rid of the pounding in his head. Suddenly, he turned around to look at Sokka over his shoulder, moving only his head so as not to get out of his grasp.</p><p>“Hey, Sokka,” he started, playing with his fingers to make sure he was awake, “do you have any more of those painkillers that Shin gave you?”</p><p>“Mm.” He slid his hand away from Zuko’s, reaching back around to the table behind him. It sounded as if he knocked over several things as he did so, but Zuko didn’t bother to say anything about it. He took the bottle when Sokka handed it to him and nuzzled back into his neck, frowning when he looked into it.</p><p>“Damn, this is almost empty. How much of this have you taken?”</p><p>“I don’t know, whatever she told me.” Sokka breathed out deeply, his warm breath tickling Zuko’s back. “It wasn’t that full when I got it.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t resist when Sokka tied their fingers back together, using his spare hand to feed himself the painkillers. They’d never done much when he was a kid, but he wanted to give it a try anyway, because if there was any chance he could kill his splitting headache, he wanted to take it. When he was done, he shoved the bottle onto the table on the other side of his bed, sliding back into Sokka’s arms. There was a voice in the back of his head telling him to stop, to get away, that he was breaking a rule that had been ingrained in him for as long as he could remember, but he convinced himself not to listen to it. He wanted to be with Sokka. More than anything in the world, he wanted to stay in bed and cuddle with Sokka. So, he shut down the side of himself that wanted him to stop and closed his eyes again, sinking down into the pillows beneath him.</p><p>When he opened his eyes next, everything was even brighter. The sun was bursting through the curtains and he had a feeling he was missing a meeting, which woke him up quickly. He went to sit up but stopped when he found that he was no longer the little spoon, but flat out snuggled into Sokka’s chest; Zuko curled up in arms wrapped around his stomach and clasped behind his back. He wasn’t sure whether they’d simply adjusted or if he got up to vomit and forgot again, but he wasn’t sure it mattered either.</p><p>For a moment, Zuko almost tried to pull away again, instead deciding to slide his own arms around Sokka, holding him close. His heartbeat was quiet and comforting, his slow, steady breathing reminding Zuko to watch his own. He closed his eyes again, wondering whether he should get up or if Shin had already come by and declared him unwell and they just hadn’t told him yet. Zuko got his answer when Sokka leaned forward suddenly, kissing Zuko on the forehead before dropping his head back onto the pillows; one hand reaching up to drag his fingers through Zuko’s hair.</p><p>“You don’t have any meetings this morning,” Sokka mumbled, his eyes closing again and his hand still massaging the back of Zuko’s head. Something about the way he moved seemed off, but Zuko figured it was just because he was half asleep. “I pushed them back like a week ago. Thought you’d need to sleep in after that whole thing.”</p><p>“Oh, I—” Zuko didn’t know what to say. Having people care about him was fucking weird. “Thank you.”</p><p>“It’s fine. I just wanted to make sure you were taking care of yourself. Did not anticipate you getting totally shit-faced.”</p><p>“Right. Sorry about that. Hey, when I was… you know, did I say anything weird? Or do anything weird? I didn’t tell any of the politicians to fuck off, did I? Because I was getting really pissed and I know I can be a lot when I drink, so—”</p><p>“Wait, wait, wait, you think you got <em>mad</em>?” Sokka looked confused, pulling away as he leaned back to see Zuko’s face. He blinked several times, sliding up the pillows and dragging Zuko alongside him, not letting him part from his chest. It wasn’t fair. Sokka was <em>impossibly </em>beautiful with his untied, messy hair falling across his perfect face. He rubbed his temple with two fingers before he spoke, as if he too were suffering a hangover. “Zuko, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re not an angry drunk. At all.”</p><p>He didn’t know whether he should be relieved. “Then… what kind of drunk am I?”</p><p>“I don’t know. You weren’t raging or stupid or anything you were just kind of… sad. When I first found you after Azula brought you back, you were really clingy and excited but then I took you to have some water and you just— you were just really, really sad. You probably don’t want to hear this but honestly, you cried, like, a <em>lot</em>. And you also called me pretty probably two or three dozen times. That part I actually kind of liked.”</p><p>“<em>What</em>?” Zuko could feel the awful, red blush appearing on his cheeks and began to shrink into himself. He’d done a lot of embarrassing things before but that crossed the line to a point where he wanted to disappear. “I— sorry. I was totally out of it. I didn’t know what I was saying. I don’t remember any of it. Sorry.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay.” Sokka smiled, placing one hand on Zuko’s chin, and tilting it up to meet his gaze. “I think you’re pretty too.”</p><p>Sokka leaned forward, gently pressing his lips to Zuko’s. It was the softest kiss of the three they’d had; Sokka’s finger lingering on Zuko’s chin until he slid it down to his shoulder, his thumb gently stroking Zuko’s neck. Zuko still wasn’t confident in what he should do with his hands in a situation like that, so he kept one in his lap and placed the other beside Sokka’s leg, closing his eyes as he eased into the moment. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his breath picking up as the butterflies swirled in his stomach, and he hoped to everything that he was just nervous to be kissing a pretty boy and not feeling the aftereffects of far too much sake. Suddenly, Sokka slid his hands down to Zuko’s waist and pulled him over, so his legs were straddling Sokka on either side. Their lips didn’t part for more than a second, Sokka pushing his hands right back up to the back of Zuko’s head to keep him from moving.</p><p>Though he thought he was in control given that he was literally straddling Sokka, Zuko was proven wrong after another few seconds when Sokka suddenly nudged him over, turning the tables so that it was Zuko who was pinned down. Sokka stayed there on his knees for a few seconds, breathing deeply and looking a little out of it, before he pushed away the hair on Zuko’s face and leaned down to kiss his neck in a way that made Zuko’s heat beat so fast he thought it might explode right out of his chest. He was disappointed when Sokka pulled away, but only until he reached down, his fingers tugging at the bottom of Zuko’s shirt and looking for permission before he did anything. Zuko nodded slowly and Sokka carefully slid it up, pulling Zuko’s deep red shirt off over his head and throwing it across the room. He stopped almost instantly, and Zuko froze when he realized why. Sokka hadn’t seen him shirtless since it happened, and there was a damn good chance he wasn’t just admiring the view.</p><p>The scar on his stomach wasn’t as terrible as the one on his face but it was large and heavy and not nearly as faded as Zuko would’ve liked. It stuck out amongst his paler, uninjured skin, and he bit down hard on his lip when he looked to Sokka’s face, wondering if two grotesque marks were enough to make him leave. However, Sokka only looked to his eyes for a few seconds before suddenly leaning down, planting a kiss right on the center of his scar. Zuko nearly cried when he did, and Sokka responded only by dropping his hands on either side of Zuko’s torso and sliding forward to kiss him again; Zuko lifting his hands onto Sokka’s face this time to keep him from pulling away before he was ready. There was a reason he said the things he did when he was drunk. Sokka <em>was</em> pretty. He was so goddamn pretty and smart and special that Zuko didn’t know how a piece of shit like him managed to get someone like that to kiss him. A boy so perfect he could do anything. A boy so gentle but so strong he made Zuko feel safe. A boy so gorgeous could light up any room he walked into. A boy who—</p><p>—was a boy.</p><p>Zuko pulled away suddenly, rolling out of Sokka’s grasp. His chest rose and fell heavily, though for once he didn’t feel anxious, just guilty. Everything was still secret for the moment, so he didn’t have anything to be afraid of, but if anyone were to find out what he’d done, he’d be ruined. He was giving the people even more reason to turn against him, by doing things that were strictly forbidden—underage drinking in the Fire Nation and kissing a boy which <em>was </em>still illegal in the Earth Kingdom. He knew he shouldn’t have been held back by those things, but he was. The Fire Nation was in the middle of a massive negotiation with the Earth Kingdom and if he did anything to piss them off, anything to make them dislike him, the whole thing could be compromised. Not to mention that he’d apparently been so drunk off his ass he couldn’t even remember what happened the night before, so there was a large chance <em>someone </em>in that room knew he’d been drinking and would tell the world that he was not only being extremely unprofessional, but breaking his own laws.</p><p>“Was that too much?” asked Sokka suddenly, sitting back on his legs. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to go too far. I don’t even know why I did that. I think I’m still half asleep. It’s just that you’re really, really cute and— we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”</p><p>He blushed furiously as he shook his head, pained by the concerned look in Sokka’s deep blue eyes. “No, you’re fine. You’re— you’re <em>great</em>, seriously. Wow. I just— I don’t know. I liked it, I did, but I don’t think I can do this.”</p><p>“Okay.” His face fell as he glanced down to his feet, sighing softly. “Is it just the same thing as before? Because if you want me to go deck your dad—”</p><p>“No, it doesn’t matter. It’s not about you, I just— I have to go, I might not have any meetings, but I still have shit to deal with.” He leapt out of the bed, hurrying over to the door as he did his best to avoid Sokka’s enticing gaze. He was right in front of the door when Sokka called to him again; Zuko nearly tripping over himself as he hurried to turn around. “What?”</p><p>“Nothing!” Sokka threw his hands up in defense as he slid off the bed, leading Zuko to worry he’d been too sharp in his tone. Before saying anything else, Sokka grabbed something from the floor, holding it up for Zuko to see. “I just thought you might want to put on a shirt before you went to your meetings. Not that <em>I </em>would complain if you showed up like that but there’s a lot of those stuffy old guys who would. Also, I know you’re a firebender and all, but you’re really starting to look like a cherry, so you might want to splash some cold water on your face or something.”</p><p>“That’s— That’s your fault,” Zuko stammered. “I mean, it’s not your fault, but you’re— can I have my shirt back?”</p><p>“Yeah, here.”</p><p>Sokka stepped forward to hand Zuko’s shirt back to him, and suddenly, lost his footing for no obvious reason and stumbled right on top of Zuko, sending him smashing back into the door. His elbow hit the handle, allowing it to open and give them more space to crash onto the floor. Zuko groaned as his back slammed into the ground, Sokka landing flat on top of him but rolling off much faster than he had the first time. His head still pounding from the hangover and suddenly even worse from the impact with the thick floor, Zuko threw a hand over his eyes, breathing out deeply as he tried to regain his bearings. That turned out to be impossible, however, as before he could even begin to register what happened, Sokka let out an angry huff.</p><p>“Toph, what the fuck?” Zuko scrambled to sit up, his eyes going wide when he realized that Toph was, in fact, leaning back against the wall across from his room. He nearly lifted his shirt to cover himself but stopped upon remembering who was in front of them. “Why did you do that?”</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Despite what she said, Toph was clearly smirking, her arms crossed against her chest. “Wait, are you suggesting that <em>I </em>had something to do with <em>your </em>clumsiness? I would never.”</p><p>“Yes, you did. I felt it under my foot.”</p><p>“Okay, fine, it was me. I’m sorry, but you little girls have been driving me <em>insane</em>. I couldn’t do it anymore.” When neither of the boys responded to her, she sighed and went on. “Hey, I’ll admit, you are pretty cute together. It just doesn’t excuse the fact that—”</p><p>“<em>What</em>?” Zuko’s jaw dropped as he froze, unable to even look over to Sokka to see if he knew what was going on. “Okay, one: we’re not together. We’re not. Seriously. We’re not. Two: how the fuck did you know that we did anything?”</p><p>Toph snorted. “Are you kidding me? I’m blind, I’m not stupid. Literally the first day I got here, every damn time you looked at each other you were smiling and having fluttery hearts and then you were holding hands the entire way through dinner. Look, I didn’t want to make any assumptions because I know Snoozles here is pretty handsy sometimes but now you’ve made out at <em>least </em>three times and you’re still pretending nothing is going on between you. It’s exhausting.”</p><p>“Wait, were you spying on us?” Sokka gaped. He shook his head dramatically. “First you bird-napped Hawky, and now you have the audacity to spy on me? If you weren’t so scary, I might consider dumping you as my friend.”</p><p>“I wasn’t <em>spying </em>on you, you dumbasses. I see with my feet. I was unwillingly subjected to your sexcapades. And seriously, I don’t care. You do whatever you want. But please, please, <em>please </em>stop doing it where I can see you. I couldn’t see you very well with the blankets and everything but that hook-up in the hallway last night was the worst. I came to check on you and ended up just turning the other way. <em>Blech</em>.”</p><p>“Excuse you, it was not <em>blech</em>. Blech is you stealing my bird!”</p><p>Zuko suddenly felt light-headed, the world spinning around him as he tried to figure out how the <em>fuck </em>Sokka was being so calm and funny when they just got caught. Someone knew what they had done, knew what <em>Zuko </em>had done, and it didn’t even seem like he cared. Sure, there was the chance that Sokka was just deflecting his fear with humor since that seemed to be a reasonable coping mechanism for him, but it didn’t make sense. They got caught. They were breaking the law, going against everything Zuko’s ancestors ever believed in, and apparently they’d even done something else—something maybe even worse—while he was out of it. He took a deep breath, ripping away when Sokka placed a hand on his shoulder. No. He can’t let boys touch him anymore. He can’t touch boys anymore. It’s over, he went too far. Toph was from the Earth Kingdom, she would inevitably tell someone and then his father would find out and he’d banish Sokka and probably put Zuko to death or maim him even further.</p><p>He closed his eyes as he tried to ground himself, doing everything he could to make himself remember that his father wasn’t there anymore. Zuko was the one in charge of the nation and nobody could hurt him for those things anymore. Beside him, he could hear his friends talking, but couldn’t quite process the words they said. Toph pointed out that his heart was racing, he could tell that much, though he had no idea what Sokka said in response, nor what either of them tried to tell him when he stood up suddenly; the world spinning around him as he moved too quickly for his hungover head. He nearly walked right off after pulling his shirt back on, getting the fuck out of there because he needed to go work and he needed to not be dealing with the fact that someone knew he kissed a boy, but stopped for one last second, turning back to the others.</p><p>“Please don’t tell anyone,” he said. His tone was quieter than he’d intended, but aggressive in a way he couldn’t explain. “It’s not going to happen again, so just… don’t tell anyone. I can’t let anyone know about this. It’ll ruin me. It’ll ruin everything.”</p><p>“No, wait!” It wasn’t Sokka who ran after him, but Toph. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to make fun of you guys. I’m happy for you, really. I’m glad you found each other. I just wasn’t thrilled to walk in on you two trying to swallow each other’s tongues.”</p><p>“Because it’s disgusting, I know. I get it, it’s wrong. I can’t do it. I won’t do it anymore, I swear. Just don’t tell anyone. Please.”</p><p>Her shoulders sagged. “Zuko, I’m serious. I wasn’t trying to be mean, I just—”</p><p>“I know what you were doing, and you’re right, I shouldn’t be like this.” Zuko bit down on his lip, shaking his head because though he knew everything he was saying was bullshit on the surface, something deep within him still refused to believe it wasn’t true. “I have to go to a meeting, but I’ll catch up with you later. Probably. I slept in way too late so I’m all kinds of behind on my shit, even without the meetings. I probably won’t see you until dinner at the soonest.”</p><p>“So, what, you’re just going to skip breakfast <em>and</em> lunch?”</p><p>“Toph.” It was Sokka who spoke that time, his tone soft and urging her to stop. To Zuko’s knowledge, she knew nothing about his failure to eat, and he appreciated that Sokka at least was nice enough not to push it too far. “I’m sorry. I started all of this, and if you’re freaking out now, it’s—”</p><p>“It’s not because of you! Fuck.” Zuko threw his hands in the air dramatically, stomping back over to him and Toph. “You need to stop with that <em>bullshit</em>, Sokka. You’re a fucking fantastic person and believe me, I know better than anyone that it’s hard to convince yourself that’s true sometimes, but you don’t need to take credit for everything. You don’t need to reassure me about everything. Just pay attention to yourself for once, all right? I know you’re fucked up too and I’m not stupid. You’re using me and all my shit as a distraction, so you don’t have to deal with your own.”</p><p>“Hey, hold on, are you okay?” Toph’s question came out of nowhere, interrupting their argument and filled with concern toward Sokka. “You seem a little—”</p><p>“I’m <em>fine</em>, Toph, I’m just a bit dizzy.” He shook his head, his hands clenching into tight fists as he shifted his gaze back to the Fire Lord. “That’s not true, Zuko. I want to help you because I care about you.”</p><p>“I know and you need to stop because I’m not worth your fucking time. I’m this close to being taken off the throne and you still have every chance at leading your tribe so you need to stop worrying about me and start worrying about your own fucked-up leg and whatever trauma is stopping you from talking about it. Look at yourself. You’re fucking shaking and you just said you’re fine. You’re not fucking fine! You don’t even like the Fire Nation and I understand and respect that but it’s fucking obvious no matter how hard you try to hide it because you’re hiding from fucking everything. You never leave your room unless I ask you to, you never talk to anyone but us and Aang, and honestly, I just can’t figure out why the fuck you haven’t gone home yet. It’s—”</p><p>“Stop it, both of you!” Toph glared at the floor, throwing her hands out in their opposite directions. “<em>Both </em>of you are fucked up as shit and fighting over who needs more help isn’t going to fix anything so just shut the fuck up. You need therapy. A lot of it. You both know it and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I saw someone, Aang saw someone, even fucking <em>Azula </em>saw someone. We all went through some serious shit and you need to talk it out with someone. I don’t care if you think you’re fine. Sokka, you’re repressing shit so deep you don’t even know what it is anymore and Zuko, you went through what must be some of history’s worst child abuse. You need help. It’s not weak to ask for it, it’s weak to avoid it. You’re both just hurting yourselves right now.”</p><p>“Maybe you are,” said Zuko, his gaze barely flickering over to Sokka before he looked back to Toph, “but I’m not. I am hurting a fucking <em>nation </em>because you are trying to break me and keep me from my work so just leave me alone, all right? I have bigger things to worry about than myself right now.”</p><p>He didn’t wait for a response from either of them before storming off to somewhere he’d yet to decide on. Though he knew it would likely get him some seriously odd looks, Zuko didn’t bother putting on anything more than he was already wearing; not even going back for his crown but pulling his hair back into one of the shittiest topknots the Fire Nation had ever known. When he slid into the kitchens for his grand breakfast of tea, he got several strange glances, but didn’t acknowledge a single one of them. He couldn’t. His head was still pounding from the night before, he couldn’t think at all thanks to everything that happened, and despite getting near twelve hours of sleep, he was still too tired and couldn’t find it in himself to care.</p><p>Each time he’d gone off at Sokka before, it was crossing a line. He knew it was wrong to pull away from him, he knew it was wrong to say that liking boys wasn’t okay, but each time he’d been able to get away with it because it wasn’t that bad. Because he was referring to <em>himself </em>and Sokka was kind enough to understand that. He was kind enough to recognize that Zuko had issues with it because of things in his past, and that he didn’t hate Sokka for anything that happened. But then, Fire Lord Dumbass had to go and say that it was disgusting. That what they were doing, what he enjoyed so, <em>so</em> much, was disgusting and wrong. He couldn’t take that back. He wanted to. He wanted to take it back more than anything in the world and apologize for every damn word he said but there was no way he could because at that point, he was so far over the line that it was barely a dot in the distance behind him.</p><p>Zuko ignored every person who tried to talk to him on his way out to the courtyard. He couldn’t be bothered to give a shit after everything that happened and somehow, that made it worse. He knew that the nation was more important than him, that these <em>people </em>were more important to him, and for some reason, he was still putting his own stupid issues first.</p><p>He slid a hand around the bottom of his wrist. The burning made him feel better.</p>
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<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Hakoda's Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As it turned out, there was no ceiling to the amount of fear a father could experience at any given time.</p><p>Hakoda feared from the first day of winter that something was wrong. He gave his son the benefit of the doubt at first, hoping beyond anything that Sokka was okay and just spending extra time with his girlfriend. But he also knew that Sokka wasn’t your average, irresponsible teenager and there was little chance that was true. So, when Katara came to him with a letter from Kyoshi Island which revealed that Sokka had gone missing not just days, but <em>weeks </em>before they finally reached out, Hakoda kicked himself harder than he’d ever kicked anyone before. Sokka needed someone, needed his <em>dad</em>, and he wasn’t there. He could be in danger and no one knew because Hakoda hadn’t reached out sooner and by the time he did, it was already too late. Sokka was already gone.</p><p>Though he only became concerned for his physical safety after his son failed to return on schedule, Hakoda had honestly been worried about Sokka for what must have been months at that point. He didn’t know what was wrong, exactly, but he could tell that something about his son was just <em>off</em>. Sokka was slipping in training, he spent far too much time hiding out in his igloo, and what Hakoda had always thought of as goofy mannerisms were becoming exaggerated to a point where it was almost unwatchable. None of them were scary on their own, but when combined, the incessant fidgeting, lack of follow-through, and increasingly sporadic focus were enough to make Hakoda fear that something was really wrong. Of course, every time he asked Sokka about it, he claimed to be fine, and unfortunately, Hakoda couldn’t find enough evidence suggesting the opposite to be able to force his son to do anything about it.</p><p>The one thing he was able to mention, however, was Sokka’s clear exhaustion. He constantly drifted off at the dinner table and in his igloo (Hakoda carried him to his bed on more nights than his son would ever admit), and there were bags that seemed to live under his poor eyes. Regardless of what he believed about his mental health, Sokka was physically pushing himself too far, and it was that which nudged him to the point of finally accepting a vacation. It was that which allowed Hakoda and Katara to convince him to take time for himself. It was that which made Sokka leave on a journey which it seemed he may never return from. Terrified that could be the case, Hakoda took Katara with him on a trip away from the tribe as soon as possible, going to Kyoshi Island to see if they could find any trace of what may have happened to Sokka. But they couldn’t.</p><p>After the Kyoshi Warriors located Sokka’s boat hidden beneath one of the cliffs on the island, Hakoda’s heart dropped into his stomach. And after he talked to Katara and Suki about what might have happened with Sokka, Hakoda requested he be led over to where they found it. He searched for what must’ve been an hour, trying to find any trace of Sokka or a hint to his whereabouts, but there was nothing. There was no damage to the boat, no signs of a struggle, and no obvious reason he might have left. Which meant that Hakoda was right in his assertion that his son left willingly, and that scared him more than anything else. The fact that he <em>knew </em>Sokka wasn’t mentally well, that something was wrong, and there was every chance he disappeared because he never wanted to be found. It took two hours before they finally retired to dinner, and another three after that before he could even entertain the idea of getting some sleep.</p><p>Hakoda convinced Katara and Suki to try and get some rest, though they only did so with the condition they stay in the same room as him, bundling up on the floor in a pile of blankets and pillows. They fell asleep rather quickly due to exhaustion, leaving Hakoda alone at the table to mark and rule out places on the map where he thought Sokka was most and least likely to go. He nearly started by crossing out those not accessible by boat, but then realized he had no idea how Sokka actually got off Kyoshi Island—if he’d even left at all—and that meant he couldn’t drop those places without good reason. This only served to complicate the situation further because the more he thought about it, the more Hakoda realized Sokka would be near impossible to track. He was an obsessive planner and always had been. He relied heavily on his outlines and wouldn’t make decisions impulsively unless he absolutely had to, which meant it was more than likely he’d gone into the “vacation” with every intention of not coming back. Hakoda pushed the thought from his mind. It hurt too much to think about.</p><p>After a few more hours of doing his best to guess where Sokka might have gone (he suspected the Earth Kingdom was most likely for various reasons, though he couldn’t pin down any location in particular), Hakoda finally decided it was time to retire. He needed to get some sleep or else he wouldn’t be able to resume the search in the morning. Still, sleep was hard when he was terrified for his son, and it took far longer than he would’ve liked to get to restless sleep. It also took them far longer than he would’ve liked to find any leads as to where Sokka may have gone, and all of those ended up resulting in dead ends too. They spent an entire day wandering around the island to each of the villages, looking to see if anyone had seen Sokka, but it was no different from when Suki and the Kyoshi Warriors had gone the first time. No one knew a thing. It was as if Sokka had completely vanished.</p><p>Two days after they got there, following sleepless nights and countless failures to locate so much as a trace of Sokka, Suki decided to turn back to the one lead they had. The notes that Sokka had written and discarded before choosing the one he thought was best to leave on Suki’s door. They were almost impossible to decipher thanks to the smudged ink and already scribbled handwriting, but between them all they managed to decipher a few words; not that most of them were helpful, given they were just rephrased versions of the one he left. One note was definitively different from the others, however, though it didn’t serve to make anyone feel any better because the words they were able to decipher through spilled ink and crossed out lines were still useless as well as absolutely heartbreaking.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>I’m leaving because I’m a useless, pathetic idiot and I don’t want to waste your time.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>If he wasn’t convinced before, those words tipped Hakoda over the edge. Something was seriously, deeply wrong with his son and he felt <em>horrible </em>for not recognizing it sooner. He failed. He’d failed Sokka as a parent because he clearly needed help, but he was too afraid to reach out, and Hakoda hadn’t done anything to make sure he got it regardless. Sokka needed him more than ever and he wasn’t there. He left <em>again</em>. Even though he was physically there, physically supporting Sokka in everything he did, he wasn’t mentally there. He wasn’t emotionally open in the way that Sokka needed him to be and most importantly, he wasn’t there when Sokka needed him the most. Hakoda took a deep breath before they moved onto the next part of the search, reminding himself that nothing good would happen if he let himself fall apart too. They needed to find Sokka as much as he needed them to find him, even if he didn’t know it.</p><p>They spent the better part of a week sending letters around the world, trying for any word from Sokka’s friends, but they didn’t hear positive news from any of them. Not from Toph, Zuko, Aang, nor even Piandao, Haru, Teo, or the other friendly faces they’d encountered during their travels. All of Sokka’s more distant friends said they hadn’t seen him but promised to keep an eye out, while their messenger birds were unable to locate Aang, the Beifongs announced that Toph was off traveling with him, and Zuko failed to respond at all. However, Ty Lee was leaving for an important event in the Fire Nation (she offered to stay, given the circumstances, but Suki insisted she go), and promised she would check with him in case he’d heard anything from Sokka and just missed the letter or something. They didn’t think anything would come of this, however, figuring Ty Lee would just come back in a few days and say no one heard from him there either. Given they expected nothing from the lead, Hakoda brought Suki and Katara with him to start an in-person search.</p><p>Given what they knew about him and his friends, they opted to start the search for Sokka in the Earth Kingdom. They went to places they knew he liked, asked around everywhere they visited, but there was no trace of him anywhere, so they moved on. The Northern Water Tribe quickly proved to be a lost cause too, as no one had heard from him, though Yue’s family promised to send word if they did. Another trek through the Earth Kingdom on their way back across the world proved to be useless again, and before they knew it, they were returning to Kyoshi Island for a break before deciding whether the Fire Nation was worth a try. They knew Sokka hated it there, but at that point, they didn’t know where else to look. Until they got the letters.</p><p>Two separate letters arrived while they were away. One from Bato, and one from Ty Lee. Of course, Hakoda took the one from Bato to see what he had to say, while Suki took the one from her girlfriend. Though it was doubtful either of them held any good news—Bato was likely asking whether they were okay or if they’d located Sokka, while Ty Lee’s was to say no one in the Fire Nation had heard from him—they opened them up. Hakoda learned against a window as he unrolled Bato’s letter, glancing over to where Katara was sitting on the floor and Suki was opening Ty Lee’s letter. He let out a soft sigh, already mentally preparing the letter of bad news he’d have to send to Bato when he began to read and frowning when he realized there was another, smaller sheet of paper attached. He looked to the full page first.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Hakoda,</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I hope this letter finds you doing well on Kyoshi Island, I know how worried you were when you left. A few weeks after you left, we received an urgent letter from the Fire Nation Capital. I expected it to be from Fire Lord Zuko given the stationary, but it wasn’t. Not entirely. I think it’s better you read this for yourself, so I rolled it inside my own letter. We all miss you guys, and we’re hoping you bring him home soon.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Bato</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Hakoda frowned, immediately dropping Bato’s letter to grab the one that had been rolled inside of it. Within seconds, he had it open and held in front of him; his eyes wide when he saw that Bato was right. He did need to see it for himself. The letter was not written by Zuko, not entirely, but in a messy scrawl that made Hakoda’s heart race faster as one hand flew up to his mouth.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Dad + Katara,</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I’m sorry. For everything. I know I fucked up and you’ll probably never forgive me for how much I worried you and I am so, so sorry for that. I understand if you don’t want me to come home, but I wanted you to know that I’m okay. I’m staying in the Fire Nation with Zuko and I’ve been here since I left Kyoshi Island. Everything is fine, I just got caught up in a whole mess of things and I lost track of time. I miss you all so much and I’m so sorry. I’ll explain everything when I come home. And I will come home as long as you’re okay with that. I really miss you guys. More than anything in the world. I hope you’re not too mad at me.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>x Sokka</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>-</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Sokka is not okay. I don’t know why. He won’t talk to me. He just found out this morning that there might be permanent damage in his leg from the war and he’s afraid you’re going to think he’s useless because of it. I don’t know how to convince him that’s not true. I don’t want to pull you away from your tribe but if you can’t come here PLEASE tell me how to help him. I don’t want him to hurt anymore. -Zuko </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Hakoda read through the letter four times before he finally lowered it, trying to process all the information in front of him. The most important takeaway was, of course, that Sokka was safe and appeared to be physically okay, or at least as okay as he could be while he was dealing with his apparent issues with his leg and whatever it was he was repressing. He turned around to share the information he had with Katara and Suki but before he could, he found them staring back at him with wide eyes. That was when it clicked. If Sokka was in the Fire Nation, then her letter wouldn’t be bad news, it would be more information as to what happened to him. They barely spoke while exchanging their letters.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Dearest Suki,</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I have good news! Sokka is here in the Fire Nation. Unfortunately, I don’t know why because he walked away both times I tried to talk to him (something happened to Zuko and he was really busy dealing with it), but he’s safe. Mai said he’s been here since he left Kyoshi Island, and that he’s been helping Zuko work out some stuff between the Earth Kingdom and the Fire Nation. I guess he’s pretty much the brains behind the new plans to uproot the colonies.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Just so I’m not leaving out information, I should mention Sokka was really upset when I talked to him. But I do think that was only because he was worked up about what was happening with Zuko. Plus, he had a big fight with Azula over it which got us all stressed out. I don’t know how he’s been on a normal day, but Mai told me that she doesn’t spend a lot of him with him since he annoys her because he “thinks he’s so funny”, so I’m guessing that means he’s okay.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I’d say I’ll be home soon but I’m guessing you’ll be coming here, so I’ll see you in a few days!</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>xoxo Ty Lee</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Hakoda’s heart broke when he read the letter. He was glad that Sokka was still able to laugh, but he wasn’t okay. He couldn’t be. But what Fire Lord Zuko would do about the colonies was one of the most prominent questions after his coronation, and apparently it was Sokka who found the solution. His son, finding ways not just to help the tribe, but thousands of people across half of the planet. Though Hakoda didn’t know what happened or why Sokka had decided to leave, he never felt prouder than he had at that moment. It hurt how bittersweet that moment had to be.</p><p>Then, of course, there was the matter that apparently something happened to Zuko. Hakoda knew it was the overprotective parent part of him that assumed something was really wrong, but he couldn’t stop himself. He knew the kid’s history, the hell he’d grown up in, and he wanted to make sure he was okay too. Ty Lee was right in that they were most definitely going to be leaving for the Fire Nation that afternoon regardless, but Hakoda made sure to give himself a mental reminder to check up on the young Fire Lord when they went to get Sokka. He didn’t have any parental figures in his life aside from Iroh, who was living in the Earth Kingdom last he’d heard, and someone needed to make sure that the kid was taking care of himself.</p><p>Unable to wait any longer, Hakoda turned to the girls and it didn’t take two words to communicate. Katara moved to get their things packed while Hakoda hurried to get the boat ready, Suki insisting she come with them to make sure that Sokka was okay. Within half an hour of reading the letters, they were all in the boat getting ready to head to the Fire Nation. Hakoda didn’t know what Sokka would think when they arrived and feared he wouldn’t be happy to see them—especially given that he was actually scared his family wouldn’t want him anymore—but he refused to let himself dwell on the potential negative outcomes of their arrival. Whether he knew it or not, Sokka needed help, and Hakoda was determined to get it for him; no matter what it took for him to do that.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Comparatively speaking, they got to the Fire Nation rather quickly. Katara used her bending to speed up their travel again, helping them get there even faster than usual. None of them spoke much on the way to the Capital, and Hakoda knew it was because they were all worried about what was going to come next. He made the occasional wisecrack to try and keep the girls’ spirits up, but it was hard when they were both so concerned about someone they cared about. It was hard to keep making the funny comments when <em>he </em>was so concerned about someone he cared about.</p><p>When they arrived at the Fire Nation Capital, they left the boat in the docks and made their way through the lower areas up to the palace. Of course, this was where they ran into their first problem because they weren’t exactly invited and the guards weren’t particularly keen to let them in without a formal welcome from the Fire Lord (who was, for whatever reason, not available to confirm that he knew them). That left them stuck outside for far too long before someone shrieked behind them, followed by a scoff and Ty Lee running past Mai to hug Suki and Katara. She beamed widely, waving to Hakoda too before he awkwardly waved back. He’d met Ty Lee before, and she was just as energetic and affectionate as she had been the first time. A great ray of sunshine, but a little overwhelming at times. Not that he could complain when she was their ticket into the palace.</p><p>“They’re friends with us,” said Ty Lee, smiling sweetly to the guards, who apologized and stepped aside for them to walk up the steps into the building. “I’m so sorry, I wanted to wait for you to get here but Azula said there was no guarantee you were even coming, so I ended up doing stuff with Mai. How are you? How was the trip?”</p><p>“We’re good,” Suki answered, giving her shoulder another squeeze. “I’ll catch you up on everything later, but we really need to see Sokka right now. Do you know where he is?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah. I think he’s with Zuko?”</p><p>“No.” Mai shook her head, sighing deeply as she picked up her stride to walk with the other three girls; Hakoda trailing behind them a few feet. He wanted to see Sokka, but he also didn’t want to get in between his daughter and her friends. “He’s in a meeting with Azula and the Earth Kingdom reps, trying to smooth over what happened at the banquet the other night. I guess there were a lot of people who still had a lot of questions when Sokka called it and now they’re all pissed. Zuko was supposed to be there too but he bailed this morning, remember? That’s why we went to get Azula’s favorite chocolates. You know, I actually feel bad for Sokka; she has to be livid.”</p><p>“Oh, I remember now.” Ty Lee nodded. “Earlier when you said we were going to the candy shop for the first time since I was like, fourteen, my whole mind just kind of went poof!”</p><p>The two of them kept up their banter for another minute, while Suki and Katara looked to each other in concern and confusion, Hakoda frowning behind them. So, of all the worst times they could have possibly shown up, they came in when Sokka was in one of the most stressful meetings of all time and likely wouldn’t want to talk to anyone, let alone people he’d deliberately run away from. Still, Hakoda refused to put of their reunion. Regardless of the situation, he needed to know that Sokka was okay and based on everything he’d seen at the tribe and heard about during his days on Kyoshi Island, Hakoda didn’t think he was. He followed the girls into the palace, the dark red of the walls overwhelming his vision.</p><p>“What happened at the banquet?” asked Katara, once she finally got an opening over Mai and Ty Lee’s chatter. “Is Sokka okay? And Zuko?”</p><p>“We’re not allowed to talk about it,” Ty Lee told her simply. Katara, Suki, and Hakoda all turned to Mai after she said that, but she shook her head too. “Sorry, it’s nothing about you guys, but Azula said we’re kind of in full crisis mode and so the information is on a ‘you were there and watched it happen’ kind of basis. We don’t even talk about it with each other. You never know who’s listening to you.”</p><p>Katara and Suki continued to ask more questions about the situation, Hakoda occasionally tossing one in as well, but almost every time they were answered with the same ‘we can’t talk about it’. Eventually, Hakoda accepted that they weren’t going to find anything out like that and stopped asking, though Katara was insistent and continued to prod. Hakoda told her to stop, as they were just trying to protect their nation, but Katara insisted that she was entitled to know because it involved her brother and her friends. Though it took a lot of effort to convince her that she was being extra stubborn because she was tired, Hakoda managed to do it with a big dad hug and they walked the rest of the way through the palace in silence.</p><p>“Here,” said Mai finally, stopping at the end of another corridor. “They’re in one of the rooms down that next hall. I don’t know if you want to wait for them or what, but I have no idea how long this will take. Could be minutes, they could still be going tomorrow. You never know with these things. Good luck with that.”</p><p>Mai said nothing else before she turned to walk down a different hall, Ty Lee blowing a kiss to Suki before she followed her. Hakoda was surprised when Suki told them she broke up with Sokka, but he didn’t think it had anything to do with why he left. If it did, he would have gone back to the tribe, not hitchhiked over to the Fire Nation (because, of course, after finding out where he was, Suki pieced together what happened and explained her theory). He waved to them too, just to be friendly, then turned back to look at Katara and Suki, who were already turning to continue their walk in the direction Mai had pointed.</p><p>Moments before they turned the corner, double doors swung open loudly and footsteps stomped out into the hall. Hakoda hoped that they were breaking up the meeting, just in time for him to see his son, though that wasn’t what happened. The footsteps suddenly stopped, and no one emerged from the corridor, causing him to strain his ears to hear what was going on several feet away before they finally heard the voice they’d been waiting for.</p><p>“What the hell are you doing?” The words were less than desirable, but just hearing Sokka made Hakoda breathe out a deep sigh of relief. He picked up his stride, catching up with the girls as they approached the corner. “I mean, <em>seriously</em>. What the<em> hell </em>are you doing?”</p><p>“What the hell am <em>I</em> doing?” Hakoda was fairly certain that voice belonged to Zuko’s crazy sister, though he hadn’t seen her in years and so it was difficult to know for sure. “How about we start with what the fuck <em>you’re </em>doing? You can’t say shit like that to them, Sokka. They’ll fucking kill us. Literally. You think no one else is going to try and put a hit on Zuko? If you don’t shut your fucking mouth—”</p><p>“Shut my mouth? Shut <em>my </em>mouth? You’re one to talk after berating Zuko for the last four days. Why do you think he didn’t show up today? Because he thinks that if he does, everyone else is going to yell at him the same way you have.”</p><p>“Well, what do you want me to do? He’s the fucking Fire Lord. I know he’s stressed, but we can’t keep letting him do this. If he can’t step up our nation is literally going to implode. It’s…”</p><p>Azula kept going on, but Hakoda was distracted by the sudden appearance of Zuko from behind him. He had his hair up in a topknot, crown on, though it looked like he’d done it himself as it was quite sloppy. His face was pale, dark bags under his amber eyes, and his hands were visibly shaking, though he tried to hide them beneath his stacks of scrolls and papers. Hakoda reached out an arm to him, desperately wanting to see his own son but unable to let Zuko go without knowing whether he was okay. It turned out to be a bad move, however, as Zuko lurched and nearly dropped half the things he was holding.</p><p>“Shit, sorry.” Zuko’s voice was drier and softer than Hakoda remembered, almost as if he were sick. “I didn’t mean to— Chief Hakoda? Katara, Suki, what are you—? Fuck, you’re here for Sokka, aren’t you? You got— you got the letter.”</p><p>“Yeah.” In the distance, Sokka and Azula continued their arguing, though neither Hakoda, Suki, nor Katara moved. Something was very wrong with Zuko and regardless of how much he wanted to go right over and interrupt that argument, Hakoda didn’t feel right about leaving him alone. “Are you okay? You look a little sick.”</p><p>“No, I’m fine.” He was not fine. He looked like he was almost swaying, blinking too much to be natural, and breathing too deeply and too shallow. “I think I just forgot to eat breakfast. Wait here a second, okay? I’ll go get rid of Azula so you guys can talk to Sokka. Thanks for coming.”</p><p>“We’re not waiting.” Katara’s tone was aggressive, and Hakoda almost wanted to reach out to stop her, but he understood why she felt upset. “I want to see my brother.”</p><p>“Please just give me one minute. I will send him right out, but I fucked up really, really bad and I already waited too long to apologize for it and if you don’t let me talk to him before he sees you, I think he’s just going to leave and he’s not ever going to forgive me.”</p><p>“That’s not our problem, Zuko. You—”</p><p>“Katara.” Hakoda reached out for Katara’s wrist, stopping her from moving forward towards the hall. “We’ve already waited weeks. We can give him one minute to make things right.”</p><p>Katara opened her mouth as if to argue, but sighed and nodded, urging Zuko to move. He thanked her quickly before moving forward and turning around the nearest corner, either not noticing or not caring when Katara, Suki, and Hakoda all peeked around the wall to where he, Azula, and Sokka were standing. He looked okay. If nothing else, Sokka looked physically healthy. He was holding his arms a little weird, his posture was definitely defensive thanks to the argument, and Hakoda couldn’t see his face since his back was turned the other way, but he looked okay. Hakoda let out a sigh of relief.</p><p>“I’m here, sorry,” said Zuko, coming to a stop in front of Sokka and his sister. “Why are you out here? Did something happen?”</p><p>“Yeah, you didn’t fucking show up,” snapped Azula. “They want to talk to <em>you</em>, Zuko. They don’t give a shit about me or Mister Bullshit Representative. Come on, we need to go talk to them <em>now</em> before they decide they want you fucking assassinated again.”</p><p>“No, give me a second, I need to—” He urged her back into the room, whispering something aggressively into her ear and passing off the scrolls he held before reaching out for Sokka’s arm. He pulled away. “Sokka, I’m sorry. I am so, so unbelievably sorry and I know you’ll probably never forgive me for what I said, but I fucked up, okay? I know I fucked up. I’m sorry. I know you’re pissed, and you have every right to be, but—”</p><p>“I’m not pissed, Zuko,” said Sokka, his tone exasperated. Though Zuko seemed like he was about to have a breakdown, Sokka only sounded tired. “I’m just— I don’t know. Disappointed? I mean, I’m pissed, but not at you. I don’t even know who— myself? Or your dad, maybe? I just— I get why you said what you did and it’s fine. I’m not mad, and honestly, you’re probably right, but we need to get this shit taken care of before we can even start to think about that again. These people are fucking <em>pissed </em>and I’m starting to think I might have made a really bad call not dragging you back to that event because—”</p><p>“Sokka. Deep breath.” Zuko needed one too but he didn’t so much as feign it. “I know this is important but before you start stressing about all of that again, you should turn around.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Turn around.”</p><p>Sokka’s body language shifted oddly, but he did as he was told. Though his face held an upset expression when he first turned to face them, it quickly turned to shock when he looked up and met the eyes of his father, accompanied by Suki and Katara. His jaw dropped slightly when he saw them, opening and closing as if he wanted to say something, though the rest of him froze so still that Hakoda could tell not even his chest was rising and falling the way it should be. He looked as if he were paralyzed almost in <em>fear</em>, his hands starting to shake when he lifted one to his mouth, as if he were terrified of what might happen when they asked where he’d been for the last several weeks. But Hakoda had no plan to do that. Not yet.</p><p>Instead, he walked right up to Sokka and pulled him into a big embrace; Suki and Katara wrapping their own arms around him from the side. Sokka didn’t hold back onto any of them, only standing shock still as he warmed up to the fact that everyone had come searching for him and succeeded. That he was wrong in that they might not want him to come home because of a single weakness. That they loved him no matter what happened and all they cared about was that he was okay. Hakoda held on a little tighter when he heard Sokka sniff, hoping beyond anything that the experience wasn’t too overwhelming for him, especially given the stressful situation he was coming right out of. He wanted Sokka to be okay. He <em>needed </em>Sokka to be okay. And even if he didn’t know how he was going to do it, Hakoda was determined to make sure he was.</p><p>“I missed you so much, Sokka.”</p><p>His son let out only a whimper in response.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Chapter Thirty-One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The day got off to a shitty start, to say the least.</p><p>Sokka had barely spoken to Zuko after the latter declared that what they’d done was ‘disgusting’, and after a few days, he wasn’t even sure which one of them was avoiding the other anymore. They were all so busy trying to clean up the mess from the other night that Sokka didn’t even have <em>time </em>to smooth things over, let alone think about how he really felt about what happened. It hurt, he knew that much, but he also understood why Zuko felt the way he did, and he didn’t think it was fair to be mad at him for that. After all, Sokka had his own issues too, and while he didn’t think it was wrong or disgusting, he felt a constant pang of guilt when he thought about what would happen if he and Zuko <em>did </em>actually go out and had to start telling people about it. Toph was pretty cool with the whole thing (though only gave Sokka her full support with the understanding that next time they wanted to have an oogie make-out session in her vicinity, they warn her first), but she was just one person and there was no telling how anyone else would react.</p><p>On the topic of people reacting badly, there were a lot of pissed off politicians who were not happy that Zuko left the event early. There were rumors flying about with all of them, ranging from Zuko getting wasted to being sick to freaking out and bailing, and Sokka couldn’t count how many times he’d shut them down. Azula was doing her best to get them all to fuck off too (her words, not his), but too many people had traveled from too far away to just accept their excuses, and eventually they had to call another meeting with them to sort out all the questions they still had for Zuko.</p><p>Of course, Zuko was stressed as hell between the prodding from the politicians and all the shit that Azula was giving him over causing the mess in the first place, and when it came time for the meeting with the Earth Kingdom representatives, he didn’t show up. Mai was the last one to talk to him but couldn’t provide any ideas as to where he went, and they weren’t able to locate him at any of his regular spots. So, without any other options and unable to postpone the discussion any further, Sokka and Azula were left to handle it on their own. Of course, Sokka only agreed to being on the team <em>after </em>he read the letter from Bato, though he almost wished he hadn’t. It simply confirmed what Ty Lee said—that his family was already on Kyoshi Island looking for him, and Bato would send word to them right away. He tried not to think about the implications of that.</p><p>All things considered, Azula and Sokka weren’t a bad team. Azula knew exactly what politicians wanted to hear and covered for Zuko while Sokka answered as many questions as he could. But the politicians were rough and angry that the Fire Lord wasn’t there, so what was meant to be a quick re-briefing ended up turning into hours of fighting with people who didn’t have any interest in talking to the Princess nor some random guy from the Water Tribe (which they pointed out several times just to make sure he knew he had “no place” in the negotiations). During a particularly heated interaction, Sokka stepped out to grab something from the map room to give a visual aid to the point he was trying to make, and Azula followed him out to yell at him for the way he was talking to the politicians. He shot back, calling her out for the way she’d acted toward Zuko the past few days, and that got her started on a tangent that only ended when Zuko himself strode in, a bunch of scrolls in his arms.</p><p>He looked exhausted but neither of them commented on it. Azula quickly moved to drag him into the room, though Zuko made her go first and tried to apologize for what happened. Sokka didn’t know what to say. He still hadn’t had time to really process it given the circumstances, and so instead of accepting it and moving on like he should have, he did the same thing he’d done to Suki and decided to just awkwardly babble before running for his life. This time, however, he didn’t get the chance to run away before Zuko told him to turn around. Sokka hesitated, confused, but did as he was told and looked up only to stare straight into the faces of his dad, Suki, and Katara. Sokka froze stiller than a statue, his eyes wide and jaw hanging just open in shock. He found himself at a complete loss for words, terrified of what they might say to him—that they might <em>hate </em>him—but no one said a word.</p><p>Hakoda just walked right up to Sokka and pulled him into a tight embrace, breathing out deeply as he urged his son into his chest. Suki and Katara came at him from either side too, burying him in their arms as he nuzzled his head closer to his dad. He knew he’d missed them all, he knew he felt bad about the way he left, but he didn’t realize just <em>how </em>much he’d wanted to see them again until he was being crushed in their loving arms. Sokka squeezed his eyes shut tightly, willing his tears to stay inside. He wasn’t going to break down. He couldn’t.</p><p>“I missed you so much, Sokka.”</p><p>For some reason, Sokka couldn’t find any words to say back, but let out a sound that was almost pathetic. He finally reached around to hold onto his family, the gentle sound of his dad’s heartbeat and the soft sniffles from himself and his family being the only sounds he could hear through their arms. The last few days had been stressful and Sokka knew that, but nothing really hit him until he finally got the comfort he’d been craving so badly. When he finally got a hug from the people who cared about him more than anyone else in the world. Sokka almost didn’t want to pull away but he knew he needed to get his shit together, so he didn’t resist when they finally broke apart; Sokka stumbling back from them awkwardly. He liked the hug but standing in front of them meant having to explain and suddenly, his chest got tight and it became hard to breathe.</p><p>“I have to, er—” He nodded towards a nearby corridor, trying to think of an excuse. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to them, but that he suddenly felt sick as <em>fuck </em>and he didn’t think he could explain without making things even worse. “I don’t know how to— I was— I’m sorry.”</p><p>Sokka slid past them, resisting the urge to take his painkillers out of his pocket as he quickly walked around the corner to get to the map room. He kept his gaze slightly downcast, trying to figure out what was going on. He knew that his family was looking for him, but he didn’t expect them to show up that day. Not that he could really complain when the group hug was one of the most comforting things he’d ever been a part of, nor could he complain when his dad decided to follow him because <em>he </em>was the one who’d already run off once and of course Hakoda wasn’t just going to let him disappear again. Regardless, Sokka kept up his stride, his heart pounding into his ears as he turned into the map room and started to rummage around for the scrolls he needed to make his point. There was little chance he would actually return to the meeting but at that point, he needed a distraction, and it was all he could think of.</p><p>Neither Suki nor Katara followed with Hakoda, but Sokka was sure that was at Hakoda’s request based on how cautiously he was approaching. He stepped carefully around the table to where Sokka knelt beside a shorter cabinet, digging through all of the scrolls he should have but didn’t reorganize. He could feel his breath picking up as he got increasingly stressed thanks to the inability to find what he needed and the weight of his impulsive decisions barreling down on him and one second, he was searching for what he needed and the next his shaking hands were dropping everything he held as he hung his head; dragging his hands over his face as he tried desperately to stop his uneven breaths. How could he be freaking out like that? He wasn’t even having a panic attack or a flashback and for some reason he was getting shaky and nervous and sick to the pit of his stomach in the same way Zuko did. That wasn’t him. He wasn’t Zuko. <em>He didn’t do that</em>.</p><p>After he dropped every scroll he held, Sokka felt arms wrap around him all over again, Hakoda pulling him back into his chest as Sokka tried to figure out why the hell has shaking so bad. He couldn’t control his hands, his chest was beginning to <em>burn</em> from an inability to breathe, and the only thing that kept him sane was the fact that his dad was there; holding him tightly and placing one hand on the back of his head comfortingly. Hakoda took long, deep, exaggerated breaths, wordlessly urging Sokka to copy him, and he did. His eyes were still wide with shock as he started to calm down, a thousand thoughts streaming through his mind as he looked for any answer as to why <em>he </em>was freaking out like that. Was it contagious? Did he just spend so much time with Zuko that now he couldn’t control his nerves either? He slid away as soon as he felt like he could breathe again, dragging his legs into himself.</p><p>“Sokka, are you all right?” Hakoda’s tone was soft and deeply concerned, and Sokka felt awful for making him worry. How could he do that to his own dad? He nodded quickly, but it wasn’t convincing. “Please, Sokka, I’m your dad. You can talk to me.”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Sokka assured him quickly. He was still shaking but he hadn’t yet let any tears fall, so he felt like he still had time to pull it back. “I just— I think I’m a little overwhelmed. I didn’t expect you guys to show up here today. I’m sorry. I didn’t— I never should have left like I did. It’s just that something came up here and I got really distracted and everything just happened so fast—”</p><p>“It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re safe. But you disappeared, Sokka. We were all so worried about you. You know that you can tell us anything, right? It’s okay if something is bothering you. You can talk to me. We’ll figure it out.”</p><p>“Nothing is bothering me, I’m fine. I just got really wrapped up in all this Fire Nation stuff. I’ll come home soon; I promise.”</p><p>“Sokka, it’s not about you coming home, it’s about your mental health.” Hakoda placed a hand onto Sokka’s shoulder, and he dropped his gaze down. His dad knew him too well. “I know something is wrong. You were slipping back at the tribe, and then Suki told us you had a <em>panic attack</em> on Kyoshi Island. That’s not okay. You can tell me what’s going on, son. It’s okay to ask for help.”</p><p>He shook his head. “I don’t need help, I’m fine.”</p><p>“You’re not fine. You ran away from home. People who are fine don’t do that.”</p><p>“Well, I guess I do, because I’m <em>fine</em>.” Sokka ripped away from Hakoda’s hand, sliding back further. He crossed his arms on his knees, his fingers immediately tapping against his legs. “It’s nothing, seriously. I didn’t have a panic attack; it was just a misunderstanding.”</p><p>“You’re having an anxiety attack right now.”</p><p>“No, I’m not.” It was denial. Pure, unadulterated denial, but he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t want to believe that what his dad was saying was the truth. That he was really hurting that badly. “I’m fine, Dad. I’m fine.”</p><p>“The fact that you’ve said that half a dozen times now,” said Hakoda, his tone firm but still cautious, “means that you’re not. Sokka, it’s okay. We don’t need to tell anyone else. I already asked Suki and Katara to wait to talk to you until you calm down, all right? I know this is a lot to take in all at once, but you can’t keep going on like this. You need to talk to me. Please.”</p><p>“I don’t need to talk to anyone,” Sokka snapped. He was getting desperate, his eyes darting all over the place as he tried to find a way to get out of there. His chest was burning again, his fingers shaking so badly he had to grip onto his pants to keep them still. “You’re just exaggerating this. I’m fine. It’s fine. I don’t need help. The only reason I’m still here is because I was helping other people, it’s nothing to do with myself. Yeah, maybe I stayed a little too long because I was scared you wouldn’t want me to come home and Zuko’s right and I hate it here and I just stay in my room all day because I don’t want to— but it’s not about me. I’m fine. Just stop asking questions. Please. I’m fine.”</p><p>“Sokka—”</p><p>His eyes caught the edge of the scroll he’d been looking for and he reached down to grab it, quickly rising to his feet. He stumbled slightly when he straightened his knee but caught himself fast enough that he hoped the movement wasn’t noticed. “I’m sorry, Dad, they’re waiting for me. I have to go.”</p><p>“No, Sokka, please, we got to talk about this. I know you’re not okay, bud. You—”</p><p>“I<em> can’t</em>. I can’t do this right now. They’re waiting for me. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Honestly, Sokka was a little surprised to find that there was a way to make himself feel guiltier than he already was. He’d gone from struggling kid to full blown abandoner, and he hated it more than anything else he’d ever done. He shoved away the one tear that managed to escape onto his cheek. He didn’t deserve to be upset over his own stupid mistakes.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Though he managed to get through the meeting without being interrupted, Sokka was far from alone. He was supposed to see Shin that afternoon but since the meeting went on for so long, it wasn’t until dinner when he actually went to her room. As he hadn’t told anyone that he’d be going there—Zuko knew, but Sokka rejected an offer for his company and had a feeling the Fire Lord wouldn’t be going to dinner with the others after that—Sokka was surprised to hear a knock on the door a few minutes after he sat down, when Shin had left to go find something. He thought it would be Shin returning or Zuko coming back to apologize again, but instead, Katara walked in. The look on her face was flat and unreadable, though her shiny blue eyes turned to Sokka with nothing but concern.</p><p>“Hey,” she said. She stepped through the entrance, closing the door behind her as she moved closer to the bench Sokka was sitting on, staring at his bouncing legs hanging off the edge of it. “Toph said you would be in here. Is everything okay?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Except he’d forgotten that he told Toph about what happened and didn’t think anyone would be able to find him while he was there. Rest in peace to his breather, apparently. He dropped his left hand on top of his right when he realized his fingers were tapping again. He couldn’t risk his family finding out and not wanting to take him home. “I just jacked up my leg. It’s not a big deal.”</p><p>“Suki mentioned that. Isn’t that the same leg you broke during Sozin’s Comet?”</p><p>Sokka nodded. “Zuko’s physician said it’s probably just messed up from a lack of use, but I might have permanent nerve or muscle or bone damage. I’ve been trying not to think about that part.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you say anything?” asked Katara. She sat down on the bench behind Sokka, her shoulder close to his back. She sighed softly before going on, turning her head to look at him. “You know we would’ve helped, Sokka. I can try to heal it if you want? I know I did a lot when you were recovering from the initial injury and if I just try it again, maybe I can—”</p><p>“No, it’s fine.” He shook his head, glancing over at the door. He needed Shin to come back so he could get the hell out of that conversation. “I told Shin about it and she said that if your bending could’ve done anything then it would’ve worked while I was recovering the first time, so. It does mean there’s a better chance it’s just misuse than real damage, though, which is good so thanks for the offer. And hey, I’m sure you don’t want to hear it, but I’m really sorry about what I did. I don’t know what came over me. I just started making terrible decisions when I was on Kyoshi Island and I haven’t been able to stop. I don’t know why.”</p><p>“I’m sorry too.” Katara reached around and dropped a hand on top of his, stopping the incessant fidgeting. He had a feeling she knew what she was doing, that the only reason she hadn’t shouted at him for scaring her was because he was so visibly upset, but he didn’t point it out. “Dad and I knew that something was wrong but neither of us were involved enough for you to trust us. I know you told Dad you were fine, but if you need to talk about anything, you know you can tell us, right? We’re your family, Sokka. We care about you.”</p><p>“I know, and I’ll let you know if something comes up but right now, I’m fine. Really. It’s pretty nice here, politics and assholes and the weather aside. Really, I just stay in my room. It’s a nice room, though. I just don’t— I don’t really talk to anyone unless I’m helping out with the political shit.”</p><p>“Yeah? Is that all you’ve been doing since you left?”</p><p>“Nah, I’ve been spending a lot of time with Zuko,” said Sokka, his face falling when he remembered that no, he wasn’t really doing that anymore. Not for the last few days, at least. He pushed that thought aside, deciding he didn’t need to mention that part. There was no good way to explain it without outing both Zuko and himself. “He’s been showing me around when he can get out of the palace, and we went shopping a couple times. He doesn’t really do well with crowds but it’s a lot of fun on the calmer days. Oh, and there’s this <em>awesome </em>library down in the village, you should check it out. Plus, Zuko doesn’t like using his servants much so they’re <em>always </em>available. I’ve gotten cake in the middle of the night before. It’s great. I mean, you know, he never really talked a lot when we were fighting Ozai, but Zuko is really kind of awesome once you get to know him.”</p><p>“Sorry, are you <em>marrying </em>him?” Katara snorted when Sokka almost choked on his own spit, nudging him in the shoulder gently. “I’m joking, Sokka. I didn’t know you guys were so close.”</p><p>“We weren’t, but we’ve gotten to know each other a lot better since I got here. There’s a lot of stuff about him we didn’t know.”</p><p>“Yeah? Like what?”</p><p>“Like…”</p><p>He bites his lip when he’s nervous. When he gets stressed, the fastest way to calm him down is to hold his hand and play with his fingers. He likes to have his hair braided and doesn’t like it when people touch his scar. He loves physical affection, but he doesn’t know how to ask for it himself. Sometimes he forgets to take care of himself, though all it takes is a quick reminder for him to apologize profusely and try a little harder. He likes to snuggle and he’s basically a human blanket when you hold onto him. He’s not very good at controlling his emotions and sometimes breaks down, but even when he’s embarrassed, he won’t refuse a hug. When he gets anxious the first thing he loses control of his hands, then his breath, then his emotions, but all it takes is a comforting touch to talk him down. He spends time with the turtle ducks when he’s sad. If you even mention theater, he’ll babble on for hours. He doesn’t know how to talk about himself and often uses his hands to say more than his words.</p><p>There’s a lot of trauma in his past and some of it still holds him back. He has soft skin and lips and even softer hair that’s longer than it looks in his topknot. He gives some of the best kisses in the world, his touch so gentle and so passionate, even though he’s scared to like boys. In his shining eyes there’s a constant look of sadness but it’s not hard to find hope when he speaks to his people. Though his voice sometimes shakes when he gives presentations, his words are smooth and eloquent, and he does his best to fight the shaking of his fingers. He gets a little lisp when he’s out of it and it’s one of the cutest things in the world. He’s passionate about his work and stays up far too late to make sure everything gets taken care of. He wakes up at dawn every morning, regardless of when or if he slept. He cares about his people more than anything else and does everything he can to ensure they’re safe and happy. He doesn’t trust himself to make the best decisions but Sokka trusts him more than anyone else in the nation and believes he’s doing the absolute best that he can given the circumstances.</p><p>“…he really likes tea.” Because it makes him feel close to his uncle who he loves and misses more than anyone else in the world. “When we were traveling with Aang, he never seemed too into it, but now he drinks like, three gallons a day. Seriously. I can’t believe his body can even process as much tea as he consumes.”</p><p>“Really?” Katara almost laughed. “You’ve been here for weeks and <em>that’s </em>what came to mind?”</p><p>“What? Would you rather me tell you about the fact that he has a serious swearing habit? Because he’s really eloquent in his meetings but as soon as he walks out, he uses words that would make you want to kick him off the balcony.”</p><p>Katara opened her mouth to respond but didn’t get the chance to actually say anything before the door swung open again and Shin walked in, holding a small bag. She frowned when she saw Katara, and Sokka quickly explained that she was his sister and he was fine with her being in there for the hard parts (Shin’s words, not his; he didn’t think it was that bad). Shin started going on, asking the same questions about this and that that she’d asked him the last time he came in, and he answered the same way he did before. It wasn’t that bad, it felt like it was getting better, and there was nothing else he wanted to talk about. Once she finished with the questions, Shin moved onto the physical parts, and while Sokka was intending to stand strong and pretend he was absolutely fine, he ended up breaking down and accepting Katara’s hand when she offered it because the back of his leg throbbed so when Shin moved it.</p><p>The look on Katara’s face was pained and worried, and Sokka wouldn’t let himself make it worse. He gave her a reassuring glance, though it didn’t last when Shin twisted his leg again and he gripped on his sister’s hand even tighter. By the time the physician finally stepped away, his heart was pounding, his leg throbbing in places he was rarely even aware of as she wrote down whatever she needed to. Katara gave Sokka’s hand a reassuring squeeze, clearly concerned by just how much pain the more extraneous movements caused him, but she didn’t say anything; likely waiting until after they got out of the room to talk about it.</p><p>“All right, so twisting your leg and putting pressure on it seems to be causing the most pain in certain parts of your leg,” she said, gesturing to where she was referring to. “The good thing is that you’re not in as much pain as you were, so something in there is healing. The bad news is that you’re still having sharp pains and not dull ones, which leads me to believe there’s more permanent damage in there, most likely centered around the bones in your calf. That said, we can keep trying, so don’t stop with the physical therapy, all right? Do you still have those painkillers I gave you?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Sokka nodded quickly, his hand impulsively feeling the bottle in his pocket; swallowing hard to keep himself from freaking out. It was almost empty; only a few of her homemade pills remaining. “Do you need me to stop taking them or something?”</p><p>“No, I was just wondering if you were taking them. Keep using them as needed. You can have those up to twice a day, remember. That was a month supply I gave you so you should be good for now, but when you need more just check in and I can get some for you.”</p><p>A month supply. A <em>month </em>supply. Sokka suddenly felt what he could only describe as a head rush, blinking repeatedly as he tried to get his shit together. He knew he took a few more than the two a day she’d said—he didn’t know how many he took the night of the banquet but his mind was running laps around him by the time he stopped and he must’ve thrown up at least half as many times as Zuko—but he didn’t realize he’d taken what must have been twice as much. Not that it was a big deal. He didn’t feel sick or anything like that; the worst side-effect he’d identified was that his mind was fuzzy as hell and when he took two or more doses, his focus got even worse than it was on a normal day. But it made his leg feel better and it made him care a little less thanks to the fuzziness so as long as it wasn’t hurting him, it couldn’t be a <em>bad </em>thing to keep taking them, right? He determined he was on the correct side of that argument with himself.</p><p>“All right, you’re good to go then,” said Shin, brushing her hands together. “I have to go out to the village to check on one of the older nobles. Do me a favor and make sure the Fire Lord gets something to eat before he goes to bed, all right? I don’t want that kid getting malnourished again.”</p><p>Katara looked shocked when she said that, but the physician didn’t elaborate before leaving and Sokka only nodded in response. Of course, she turned to her brother for answers, though Sokka decided not to say anything. If Zuko wanted to tell her about everything that was happening then that was fine, but Sokka wasn’t going to make their current rift any further by sharing information that wasn’t his to reveal. Of course, Katara wasn’t too happy with that and ended up verbally asking him what she was talking about when they left the room, but Sokka just shrugged and shook his head. He couldn’t talk about it. He wasn’t going to do it. He reached down to stuff his hands into his pockets, then stopped when his hand touched the bottle. He was almost out of the painkillers and he wouldn’t have more for two weeks. Two weeks. He didn’t even have enough for a <em>regular </em>dosage with what he had left. Sokka made a quick excuse of forgetting something in Shin’s office, sliding back in the door after Katara promised to wait for him outside.</p><p>If there was anything that Sokka forgot, it was his sanity, and he left it back on Kyoshi Island. The real Sokka would never do what he was doing right then. The real Sokka would never rummage through each and every drawer to find where Shin kept her prescriptions. The real Sokka wouldn’t hesitate on several things before he remembered what he was looking for and resumed his search for the little balls of comfort. But that was what he was doing and suddenly, he wondered what the hell he’d turned into. Back at the tribe he was unhappy, but at least he wasn’t stealing pills and having anxiety attacks over nothing (if that’s even what it was, because Hakoda said that but Sokka was reluctant to agree).</p><p>It was almost ironic that he’d come on the trip intending to make things better and yet somehow ended up making things even worse. Sure, his leg was <em>kind of </em>healing—there was definitely, <em>definitely </em>permanent damage in there somewhere, though he couldn’t think about that for more than a second because the very thought made him want to break down and sob because his entire life and every damn one of his dreams were fucking over—but his fidgeting was getting worse and part of that recovery involved taking medicine that did the exact opposite of help him focus.</p><p>When he finally found the drawer with Shin’s painkillers in it, Sokka breathed out a deep sigh of relief. It took him far too long searching around to find anything and he was worried that Katara was going to catch onto him. She was far from stupid and would know that something was up, regardless of what he said, so he just needed to find a way to explain why he’d gone back inside to refill his bottle of medications which theoretically should not have been empty yet. He knew that wasn’t the problem, that as long as he wasn’t making himself sick it wasn’t a big deal, but it still felt <em>wrong </em>somehow. After his bottle was safely refilled, he paced over to the door and dropped his hand onto the doorknob, before stopping and sliding it back into his pocket. He pulled out a few of the medicinal orbs, popping them into his mouth before stuffing it back into his pants so Katara wouldn’t see. He didn’t know why he bothered when he was only taking medicine that he actually prescribed by a healer, but he didn’t want to think about it too much.</p><p>Katara gave him a look when he stepped out of the room, so he slid a pocket knife out of his other pocket and held it up for her to see, making some bullshit excuse that it fell under the bench and it took him a minute to find it. She didn’t seem to believe him, but she didn’t get a chance to say whether she did either because Sokka cut her off by asking if she’d seen Aang yet. Katara beamed, expectedly happy to talk about their reunion, and he offered to walk her over to the dining room to see if everyone else was there yet before they checked the other places where they’d been hanging out (the garden where Appa and Momo had been lounging was the number one spot, but there were a few others too). He managed to further distract her with the story of how Toph ended up traveling around with Aang, and before he knew it, they were talking and laughing like good siblings again.</p><p>Knowing it was unlikely he’d get another chance to spend time with her like that for a while, especially once he had to start answering questions about why he did what he did, Sokka took full advantage of the moment to get caught up on the happenings of the tribe and their friends and family. The more she talked, the more homesick he got, but then he saw Toph and Aang leaning back against Appa; laughing as Momo poked at Zuko’s face in what appeared to be an attempt to cheer him up, and he felt a little better.</p><p>Home wasn’t a place, it was his family; and at least for the time being, his family was right there.</p>
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<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Chapter Thirty-Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zuko was just beginning to relax when Sokka and Katara walked in, and he suddenly tensed up all over again.</p><p>He was a dick. He was a huge, enormous, awful piece of shit excuse for a human being. For the last few days, he was doing his best not to dwell on it too much and just avoid everything to do with what happened, but the fact of the matter was that he yelled at Sokka <em>and </em>Toph, and he said that their kiss—one of the most incredible things he’d ever experienced—was disgusting. Literally. He actually, seriously said the word ‘disgusting’ and ironically, he didn’t think he could ever feel more disgusting than he did whenever he remembered that. Zuko wanted to just get away from it and tried to flop in bed whenever he could catch a break, but Toph noticed his absence at meals and, likely out of guilt, dragged him out of bed and forced him to spend time with her and Aang as they tried to cheer him up. He didn’t know how Momo poking at his forehead and unscarred cheek was supposed to be cheering him up, but he went along with it anyway. He preferred a weird hour with the lemur to getting kicked in the shin by the greatest earthbender alive.</p><p>Aang and Toph did recognize that he was tired and stressed, at least, and didn’t push him too hard to be happy or have fun. They just let him sit there while they talked and messed around, Momo climbing all over him and at one point taking a nap on his chest. The two of them tried to cheer up Zuko in their own ways; Aang gently prodding him to talk and asking if he wanted to talk, while Toph just forced him to take a side in their silly arguments and constantly dragged him into their jokes. He wasn’t happy, and he was terrified of Aang and Toph realizing just how bad it really was, but he was finally starting to feel better when he suddenly opened his eyes and looked up to see Sokka and Katara walking towards them. Zuko shot up quickly, Momo falling right off his face. He looked away quickly to avoid any eye contact, feeling it was too much for him to handle so soon.</p><p>“Hey, Katara!” Aang leapt up first, but Toph followed quickly as they ran over to pull her into an embrace. Sokka didn’t stop to join in, walking over to where Zuko was sitting and settling down beside him. It was a deliberate ploy to make him uncomfortable, he knew. Well, logically, there was no way that Sokka could’ve known that he couldn’t see or hear well on that side, but it<em> felt</em> like payback. “Everything okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, I was just talking to Sokka,” said Katara, pulling back from the hug with a smile on her face. “He was just telling me about everything you and Toph have been doing.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, we did a lot of stuff. Like…”</p><p>As Aang was pretty much just reiterating everything that Zuko had already heard, he chose not to listen and instead glanced over at Sokka before turning his head back to where Momo was tugging at his pantleg. He didn’t know <em>why </em>the lemur was so convinced he needed every part of his body toyed with, but it was starting to get on his nerves big time. Zuko shooed him away, and Momo just ran right over to Sokka and climbed up on his shoulders, playing with his wolftail instead. Suddenly he looked a lot cuter. Momo, of course, not Sokka. He wouldn’t allow himself to call Sokka cute after what he’d pulled. There was one thing still tugging at him, however, and despite not knowing how Sokka felt about what happened, he let himself ask.</p><p>“Hey, did we—” Zuko cut himself off, swallowing hard as he debated whether he really wanted to know the answer. His gaze flickered over to where the others stood, ensuring they weren’t listening before he went on. “Did we do anything when I was drunk? You don’t have to be specific, but I just don’t remember any of it and if I did anything that was over the line, I’m really, really sorry. I swear to god I’m not going to drink again. Not like that. I’ll find a better way to deal with this.”</p><p>“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Sokka brushed the back of his head awkwardly, dropping his hands down into his lap. His voice was so quiet that Zuko had to turn his head to hear him. “We did do something, yeah. You started it, actually. I think— I don’t think you were really <em>trying </em>to do anything? Or I guess you were. I don’t know to phrase this. It seemed like you just wanted comfort. You were coming on really strong and when I pushed you away, that was when you broke down and got really sad like I told you the other day.”</p><p>“Okay. I was just wondering.”</p><p>“Yeah, no problem.” He was silent for several seconds, looking back to where his sister was listening to one of Aang and Toph’s stories before he turned to Zuko. “Look, about what happened—”</p><p>“I know.” Zuko bit down on his lip, staring at the grass in front of his feet where Momo had again hopped; messing around with Zuko’s toes for god only knows what reason. He didn’t shoo him away this time. “I understand why you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I really crossed a line there and I’m sorry. I won’t bother you anymore, and you don’t have to tell me why you’re leaving. I already know.”</p><p>Sokka grabbed Zuko’s wrist to stop him from standing up and for once, the touch didn’t shock him. “That’s not what I was going to say. I’m not leaving yet, Zuko. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you. Or not trying to find you when you were avoiding me. I don’t actually know what was going on with that anymore but I… I miss you. We’re friends, all right? We’re always going to be friends, no matter what happens. So, don’t sweat it, all right? It’s behind us. But… listen. I think there’s something else we have to talk about.”</p><p>His heart pounded faster. Sokka hated him. He knew it. “What?”</p><p>“When you were drunk, you were sort of… really brutally honest.” Sokka’s gaze turned away, as if he felt he couldn’t face Zuko when he spoke. “You told me a lot of really rough shit and I know you don’t remember it, but I do, and I don’t— I don’t feel right knowing this without— I know about your nightmares, and that you burned yourself after you found out your uncle wasn’t coming. How much you hate yourself, and that sometimes you don’t want to wake up. I know— I know about your scar, Zuko, and that you can’t see or hear well on that side and I feel <em>so fucking guilty</em> because I know that’s something you didn’t want to tell me about but you just— you just kept talking and I should have stopped you and I didn’t and I’m really sorry. I guess that kind of makes us even, huh?”</p><p>Zuko froze. His breath caught in his throat, his chest becoming tight. He looked down to where Momo played with his toes, trying to blink away the tears that built in his eyes for reasons he couldn’t explain. He said everything. He told Sokka <em>everything</em> and he couldn’t even remember it. What else had he done? Who else did he tell? Zuko glanced over to Sokka for the briefest moment, unable to convince himself to commit. No wonder Sokka was avoiding him, first he’d dumped his entire life on the poor guy and then he said he was disgusting for liking guys. Zuko bit down on his lip, ignoring the blood that tickled his front teeth.</p><p>“You don’t have to be sorry,” said Zuko, his words even quieter than before. “<em>I’m </em>sorry, I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I tried to drink my problems away and that wasn’t— I should’ve talked to one of you guys instead. It wasn’t fair to do that to you. Any of you.”</p><p>“Yeah, but it wasn’t fair to do that to yourself either.” Sokka’s hand twitched like he wanted to reach out to Zuko, but he quickly pulled it back. “Just talk to us. Please. I know it’s hard, but I don’t want to see you burn yourself anymore.”</p><p>“I know. But can you— I don’t want to say to talk to me because I’ve been such an asshole but please tell me you’re going to talk to someone too. Your dad. Katara. Please.” He didn’t get an answer, only a smile as Sokka turned to stand up, as if he hadn’t even noticed how bloodshot his eyes were. “Wait. Sokka.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Before I said anything about my— about my scar, how did you— how did you know to stand to my left?”</p><p>Sokka hesitated. “Your reaction time is lagging on that side. I noticed it when you were still tracking us down. At first, I thought I better stay away from your blind spot, but then I saw how you uncomfortable you got when people you don’t know well stood there, and… I don’t know. I guess it’s that stupid overprotective part of me.”</p><p>“Wait, Sokka.” He’d begun to walk away, but stopped when Zuko called to him, turning back for answers. “I don’t think that’s stupid.”</p><p>He said nothing else, only giving Zuko one final look before running over to where Suki and his dad were stepping out of the palace. Zuko slid forward, not moving too much but wanting to get closer so he would be able to hear better. It would’ve been easiest if he just walked right up and stood there, but he didn’t want to make it obvious to everyone else that he was having trouble hearing. Instead, he listened from his distance while Sokka filled everyone in on what he’d been doing for the last month or so, occasionally pointing over to Zuko and saying nice things about him.</p><p>Zuko wanted to smile, to say thanks for the kind words, but he was too busy feeling strange because Sokka was telling them everything that happened and leaving out all the bad parts. He talked about the things they did for the nations, the library, and the couple times they went shopping, and obviously omitted the details about their multiple kisses and awkward flirting but didn’t say anything about Zuko’s mental health either. He didn’t even say anything about his <em>own </em>mental health, which bothered Zuko even more because he felt like Sokka needed to say something more to his family. He needed to tell them how much he was struggling because he clearly needed help and he was avoiding every admittedly shitty attempt Zuko made to get it for him.</p><p>They kept talking and laughing for ages and being around the chatter made Zuko feel a little better, but he didn’t participate unless someone said something to or about him first. It wasn’t that he didn’t <em>want </em>to talk to his friends, it was just that he was absolutely exhausted from everything going on that week—or that <em>lifetime</em>, more like—and he preferred watching them and soaking in the happiness than actually trying to achieve it for himself. As such, he stayed in his spot near a tree several feet away rather than shifting closer to Appa and the others, his eyes drifting open and closed as he did his best not to fall asleep right there. He was weirdly cold despite the warm weather and felt ready to past out despite getting a full night of sleep. Zuko’s head was hanging slightly, his eyes squeezed shut, when he felt someone coming towards him. He opened his eyes quickly, blinking as they adjusted to the light and giving Hakoda a strange look when he lifted his head to meet his gaze for the briefest moment before turning away again.</p><p>“Is it all right if I sit?” asked Hakoda gently.</p><p>“Mm.” Zuko nodded, hesitating before he went on; afraid that Hakoda would think him weak for his request. “But can you sit on my other side? Sorry.”</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize, son.” His eyes seemed to dart right over to Zuko’s scar before he smiled and sat down on his right side as per requested. He was silent for several long seconds, watching Sokka, Katara, and the others laugh heartily at something Toph said. Admittedly, Zuko didn’t look at him for more than a second at a time, but he found his expression hard to read; the only word coming to mind to describe it being ‘bittersweet’. “Are you okay, Fire Lord Zuko? You’ve been quiet, and it looked like you were pretty out of it earlier.”</p><p>“No, I told you, I just forgot to eat breakfast.” And maybe a few other meals, but he didn’t want to burden Hakoda with that. There was no reason for Zuko to be nervous, but the way he’d started twisting his fingers around each other and found himself incapable of looking up gave away that he was. “Just—Just Zuko is fine. I’m fine too, I’m just tired. It’s been a long week.”</p><p>“All right, just making sure.” Hakoda didn’t seem entirely convinced, but he didn’t push further either. “So, Sokka’s been here for a while now, huh?”</p><p>“Yeah. He’s been really great. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through this without him. He pretty much saved my ass with the colony stuff.”</p><p>“That’s Sokka, always working on plans. But listen, has he said anything to you since he’s been here? About himself? I know he keeps his feelings pretty close to his chest, but I really need to know if he’s all right. I’ve been terrified I missed something important ever since he left.”</p><p>“No. I’ve asked him questions, but he always turns it back on me. I know his leg is hurting and we’re trying to fix that, but he won’t say anything about himself mentally. The most I’ve gotten out of him was that he wasn’t happy at the tribe but he fucking hates it here, so I don’t think it really had anything to do with the location and everything to do with him. He said that he has problems with his focus and with fidgeting and he told me that he tried but he couldn’t fix them and it was really bothering him but he didn’t want to worry you or anyone else so he didn’t say anything. And he… I don’t know if I should say this because it’s not certain but I’m almost sure he never really processed what happened with my father. He always gets really, <em>really </em>uncomfortable, and shaky when other people bring it up. Basically, I can tell something is wrong, but I can’t figure out what it is, and he won’t talk about it, so I don’t know. I’m sorry I can’t do more.”</p><p>“It’s okay. Thank you for telling me that.” Hakoda didn’t say anything else for several long seconds, likely processing the information before he decided to go on. He kept watching the others, who were still laughing and messing around, though Sokka occasionally glanced over to where Hakoda and Zuko were sitting. “Does he seem happier here? Has he always been smiling like that, or…?”</p><p>“Uh, depends on the day?” He still couldn’t look up to the older man and he didn’t even know why which only made it more uncomfortable. “Like I said, he definitely still hates the Fire Nation. Seems like he’s using the palace as a place to hide out more than anything else. He rarely leaves his room. And I mean, he makes a lot of Sokka jokes but it… fluctuates, I guess. Depending on the day. A lot of it is my fault, though. I’m not exactly the most heartwarming person to be around.”</p><p>“That’s all right. Not everyone has to be happy all the time.”</p><p>“I know that, but I’m never happy. Ever. Just varying degrees of shit.” Zuko picked at the grass near his legs, surprised when Hakoda placed a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. He nearly leapt away but managed to keep himself calm despite his beating heart. Hakoda wasn’t going to hurt him. He wouldn’t. So why was Zuko so horribly uncomfortable? “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. We were talking about Sokka.”</p><p>“Yes, we were, and his mental health is important and I’m going to talk to him about it later.” He sighed deeply, turning to look to the young Fire Lord instead of the other laughing teenagers. “But your mental health is important too. Is there anything you would like to talk about? I’m all ears.”</p><p>He shook his head. “No, I’m okay. I don’t want to bother you. You should just— you should go talk to Sokka.”</p><p>“I can do that later. I don’t want to tear him away from those guys yet anyway. It’s better he’s in a good mood when we have that conversation.” Though Hakoda’s voice was nothing but kind and reassuring, Zuko still couldn’t get himself to talk. He couldn’t convince himself that it was okay to burden yet another person with all the stupid shit he was going through. “It’s all right if you don’t want to say anything, but just so you know, I’m a dad, Zuko. I’m used to listening to teenagers talk about how much their lives suck. That’s kind of what I’m here for.”</p><p>“Thank you, I appreciate it.” The blood on his lip was becoming too prominent, too thick in its taste. “I’m okay, though. I’m just worried about Sokka. We had a fight a few days ago—that’s kind of what I had to apologize for—and things have been pretty weird ever since. He said he forgave me and I don’t know if it’s because all those Earth Kingdom people are mad at me or if it’s because we’re stressed but I’m scared I’m going to lose him and I don’t— I don’t want to lose him. I really, really care about him. A lot.”</p><p>“I know what you mean. I’ve missed him so much for the last several weeks, and when I was gone at war.” That time, Zuko bit down on his lip to stop from smirking. He was fairly sure they didn’t like Sokka in the same way. “I missed a lot of those formative times when he was growing into a young man, but you know something I’ve always known about Sokka? He’s not one to hold grudges. If you’re both sorry and you’ve both apologized, then he’s already forgotten about it. Maybe not completely, but he won’t hold it against you. You’re his friend, Zuko. That means more to him than you know.”</p><p><em>Actually, I think it means more to him than </em>you <em>know</em>. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Anytime.” He nearly stood up to walk away, but Zuko called him back before he could. “Yes? Is there something else?”</p><p>“No, never mind.” In all honesty, Zuko didn’t even know why he wanted Hakoda to come back. All he wanted to do was keep his secrets, and yet, something in him was <em>dying </em>for the conversation he was offered. “It’s nothing, I just— how did you know you were the right person for your people?”</p><p>“They told me I was.” The smile on his face said that wasn’t the whole answer, and Zuko wasn’t surprised when Hakoda knelt back down beside him. “You know what? In all honesty, I still don’t know whether I’m the right person for them. I just do my best. That’s all you can do.”</p><p>“But what if your best isn’t good enough?” He tugged at the stray hairs that slid out of his topknot, unable to look up and meet Hakoda’s gaze. “What if— what if <em>you’re </em>not good enough?”</p><p>“Zuko. You’re what, nineteen? And you’re in charge of an entire nation. If you feel like there’s a problem here, it’s not because you’re not good enough. It’s because you’re not <em>experienced </em>enough. You’re just a kid. You shouldn’t have to be in this position. Honestly, looking at you right now, I’m about ready to <em>kidnap </em>you just so you can come hang out at the tribe and relax for a while.”</p><p>“That would be nice.” Zuko almost smiled but his voice was too quiet, his words shaking too much. He blinked up at Hakoda, trying to fight the tears which stung at his eyes. “But I can’t leave. Like it or not, this is my duty. I was next in line for the throne. My uncle, he— he trusted me to lead our people and I don’t know if I can. I don’t— I don’t think I can.”</p><p>“Hey.” This time, Hakoda’s tone was so gentle that Zuko almost looked up for more than a second before pulling away again. “Let’s just take this one step at a time, okay? How about you go and sit down with your friends for a bit and once you’re feeling better, we see if we can’t work this out?”</p><p>Zuko hesitated but ended up taking Hakoda’s outstretched hand and allowed the man to pull him up to his feet. Hakoda’s brow furrowed when he did so and suddenly he looked up and down Zuko’s body with an expression that could only be described as concern, though he didn’t say anything about it. Zuko nearly asked about it but decided the answer would inevitably only make him feel worse. He followed Hakoda over to the others, standing near them for a few seconds before he made the decision to sit down beside Sokka. Thankfully, Hakoda seemed to be right, and Sokka only smiled and nudged his knee when he sat down. Zuko didn’t manage to force any happy look on his face but sitting in the middle of his chattering friends was comforting. They just shared stories about things that happened since they saw each other last and debated random topics, but it was nice.</p><p>It was very obvious that something was wrong with Zuko and he knew that just based on the way everyone was interacting with him. The good part about it, however, was that still none of them asked him to explain himself. Aang shared happy anecdotes that pertained to Zuko, Toph made fun of people that she knew Zuko didn’t like, Suki talked up the good things about him, Katara didn’t make any jokes about him for once, and Sokka… Sokka just sat with him. Nudged his shoulder when he noticed that he was dropping his gaze and making the occasional joke about how he looked like he was about to fall asleep. At first, Zuko shot back with the fact that he <em>was </em>about to fall asleep, but Sokka just wrapped an arm around him—in that friendly, bro way he did with everyone, it meant nothing—and explained to him the concept of sarcasm. Which got another outburst, of course, though Zuko wasn’t really upset.</p><p>They were in the middle of a story about how Toph had landed in jail in Omashu—and was quickly released by King Bumi because apparently he was very fond of her—when a nearby palace door opened and Ty Lee cartwheeled out of it, flopping down into the grass. Zuko made a face when he saw her, sighing when Mai followed her alongside Azula. They were far less dramatic in their entrance, just walking over to a nearby patch of flowers where Mai sat down near Ty Lee—who was waving and blowing kisses to Suki, much to Zuko’s surprise—while Azula was not so kind as to stay away and instead walked right over to Zuko and <em>his </em>friends because apparently, they couldn’t just enjoy the nice weather in peace. She smiled bitterly as she looked down at him, ignoring the way Katara and Suki’s eyes widened when they saw her.</p><p>“What is she doing here?” snapped Katara, before Azula had the chance to even begin to speak.</p><p>She barely glanced over her shoulder. “Back off, Ice Queen. I just came to talk to Zuzu.”</p><p>“But why are you—?”</p><p>“Katara, it’s fine.” Sokka looked a little reluctant to get in the middle of them but held up his hands in defense regardless. Zuko was grateful for the intervention. He didn’t know if he had the energy to fight. “I’ll explain everything later, okay? We can trust her.”</p><p>“Thanks. Hey, Twinkie,” Azula started, gently kicking Zuko’s knee to get his attention when she turned back to him. In a heartbeat, the mood of the entire group changed. Though no one reacted to the nickname at first, Zuko froze in his place, eyes wide, while Toph spit out her drink and burst out laughing so hard she pounded her fist against the ground; Aang looking very confused beside her as she cried out something about how she was ‘totally going to steal that one’. “Right, anyway, I know we’re not really talking right now, but you haven’t eaten today. And don’t lie because I know you haven’t. Please come to dinner.”</p><p>“No.” Zuko shook his head, keeping his gaze at the ground instead of looking up at her because he <em>knew </em>that if he turned his eyes he’d see that everyone was looking at him. “I’ll eat something later, just leave me alone.”</p><p>“Uh, no. Yeah, we’ve barely talked in four days so this doesn’t mean shit, but I haven’t seen you eat since the banquet and I guess Ena must have built some compassion into me because I’m worried about you, so please come with us to eat something, okay? I won’t even talk if you just want to listen to Mai and Ty Lee.”</p><p>“I’m fine, Azula.” He took a deep breath, crossing his arms and gripping onto his sleeves tightly to keep himself from looking around him. Everyone was staring. He knew it. They knew he was lying because he honestly <em>couldn’t </em>remember the last time he ate something and that was probably part of why he felt so shitty and tired. “Contrary to what you seem to believe, I <em>am </em>actually capable of taking care of myself.”</p><p>“Okay, but you’ve given me some pretty damn good reasons not to believe that, so I don’t think it’s fair for you to say.”</p><p>“We can come with you, if you want.” It was Katara who spoke, causing Zuko to glance up for just long enough to see her leaning towards them from where she sat between Aang and Suki. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m really hungry. I could definitely go for some dinner right now.”</p><p>“Me too,” said Toph, nodding firmly. She stretched her legs out in front of her, wiping away a few stray tears from her laughter. “As long as it’s not whatever that noodle stuff you made us eat the other night was. That was <em>awful</em>. Blech!”</p><p>Zuko almost opened his mouth to argue, to say that they didn’t need to come with him and he didn’t <em>want </em>them to come with him nor did he want to go because he didn’t need to be fucking babysat through his meals, but he stopped himself. He couldn’t exactly tell them not to eat dinner, could he? So, given the situation, he was pretty much backed into a corner. He could either tell them that he didn’t want them to come with him and force them to eat dinner somewhere else, he could refuse to join them at dinner and therefore out the fact that he was avoiding meals again, or he could just accept what was happening and try to force down as much food as he could because like it or not, his body needed sustenance to survive. With those as essentially his only three choices, Zuko decided to take the easy way out and nodded, unable to meet anyone’s gaze when he spoke.</p><p>“All right,” he told them, “if you’re all hungry then we can go. It’s been a while since I’ve had this many people at the table.”</p><p>He pushed himself to his feet, wavering slightly when he stood and regaining his balance when Sokka slipped an arm around his bicep to steady him. Zuko nodded to him before he stepped away, keeping his arms shoved against his chest. He said nothing the entire way to the dining hall and then nothing again while everyone argued over what to have the chefs make them. The first time he spoke after sitting down was when Mai—sitting to his right side—placed a hand on his forearm and asked if he was okay, to which he merely nodded again. He was fine and he didn’t want to have to keep reiterating that over and over again just because people didn’t believe him. Not caring about what they had, Zuko refused to take a side in the food debate and didn’t even think about what they were having until it was already in front of him and he wanted nothing more than to shove it away. To be fair, he was fairly sure he would have done the same thing for any food at that point, but still.</p><p>Though the others began stuffing their faces and resumed their lively chatter within moments of the food arriving, Zuko stuck to what he’d done at every meal for what had to have been the last three or four months at that point; just dragging his chopsticks around and only speaking when spoken to. When in that situation, there was usually a few ways that it could go. One: he ended up not eating anything at all and just consumed several cups of tea before retiring to bed. Two: He ate a pathetically small amount and gave up. Or three: someone, usually Mai or Sokka, urged him to eat something and he caved to their request. That time, however, it was none of those things which won him over. Instead, it was the look that Hakoda gave him from the other end of the table. The one that looked deeply concerned for his wellbeing as he poked around his plate with the chopsticks, unable to convince himself to take a bite. Zuko met Hakoda’s eyes for a mere half a second before turning back to his plate, finally forcing himself to eat something.</p><p>It was always weird eating after not doing so for a while. Somehow, Zuko’s brain managed to convince him every time he fell into the bad habits that resuming his meals would make things worse, but it didn’t. He always felt better after eating something, when his brain got the chance to function the way it was intended to. He’d been sad the entire day—stressed for good reason but depressed with no cause—and when he finally managed to force down a few bites of food, he started to feel a little more okay. Not good, not even fine, just okay. Just better than he had been for the last few days, which blurred together in his mind as a mess of stress, paperwork, and fighting with his sister. He still didn’t talk much, however, barely engaging unless someone spoke to him first. Everyone seemed to recognize that he was tired and not up for much because they didn’t push him, though Toph occasionally kicked the tiles under his feet to catch his attention; making funny faces and mocking Azula or Katara when he looked over.</p><p>“So, Zuko,” said Katara suddenly, pulling her suspicious glare away from Azula to look at him. He averted her gaze, twisting his chopsticks around again. “Do you have any free time this week? I was hoping we could spend some more time together as long as we’re all here. Who knows when we’ll be able to get together again like this? We should take full advantage of the opportunity while we can.”</p><p>“That sounds great.” Zuko nodded, unable to force a smile but doing his best to show his approval. “I really can’t get out of here, though. I have meetings back to back for… ever, and I have to cram in a whole bunch of shit to try and fix what happened with the Earth Kingdom reps before they have to go home.”</p><p>“Yeah, speaking of, were you ever planning to tell us what that was?”</p><p>“Hey, back off, Sugar Queen.” Of course it was Toph who called her out before Zuko even had to muster up an excuse for why he didn’t want to talk about the fact that he’d gotten completely and utterly wasted in front of some of the most powerful people in the world. “Let him tell you about it on his own time. Believe me, it’s not stuff for the dinner table.”</p><p>The look and gesture she made on the last word led Zuko to believe she’d unwillingly witnessed more than just he and Sokka making out, but he didn’t say anything about it. If two people knew what happened then he was all right with that, he just didn’t need every one of his friends, their dad, and a whole bunch of random staff to know that he’d spent an entire night throwing up liquid that he wasn’t even old enough to drink. Luckily, no one else said anything about it aside from strange looks turned in Toph’s direction, and they returned to fun conversation quickly. Apparently, there was more than just one story about Toph getting arrested and Aang having to bail her out, not to mention the ones which ended completely differently because Toph was <em>not </em>about to just sit around in a jail cell and wait for someone else to save her.</p><p>Though the pitying and concerned looks he caught from his friends were uncomfortable, the meal wasn’t bad all things considered. Zuko really did do his best to eat something, even if he only managed to consume around a fourth of his plate, and no one said anything about it. Azula nearly did at one point but Sokka gave her a glare so intense that she rolled her eyes and backed right down, mumbling something that he couldn’t hear. So, while he was annoyed by the fact that everyone was overly concerned for his wellbeing when he wasn’t worth their time, he had fun. Except for when Toph <em>did </em>take the opportunity to call him ‘Twinkie’ and her and Azula laughed until they cried. He was only glad no one else understood the reference. He was <em>not </em>in any place to be having that conversation, whether the intent was humorous or not.</p>
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<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Chapter Thirty-Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Though he managed to avoid the conversation for an entire day, Sokka knew he wouldn’t hold out for long and he was right. He tried to go about his next day as usual, as if nothing had happened the afternoon before, but didn’t even make it out of his room before someone was knocking on the door. Sokka groaned and finished pulling his shirt on before he opened it, not surprised in the least to find that his dad was standing on the other side. He said nothing as he stepped aside to allow him into the room, then closed the door and flopped back onto the edge of his bed. Hakoda walked over and sat beside him, staying silent for a few seconds before he spoke, his tone too casual considering what Sokka knew he was trying to initiate a conversation about.</p><p>“Hey.” He smiled in a way that was meant to be reassuring, and Sokka forced a smile back before turning his gaze to his legs, which swung back and forth against the bed frame. “Katara wanted to come and talk to you too, but I asked her and Suki to wait until later. I thought it might get overwhelming if all of us came in here at the same time.”</p><p>“Thanks.” Sokka twisted his fingers around each other, aware that he was fidgeting but trying to avoid the inevitable tapping. He did this for several seconds, saying nothing until Hakoda suddenly placed a strong hand on top of his and Sokka’s entire body was overcome with embarrassment and shame. “So, I’m guessing you want to know how I ended up here?”</p><p>“Honestly? That’s not even on my radar right now. I want to know what’s going on with you. Not what you’ve been doing here, I know what that’s about, but what was happening back at the tribe and on Kyoshi Island, and even right here yesterday.” He patted Sokka’s hands gently and Sokka knew his dad wanted him to look him in the eyes, but he couldn’t. The guilt was overwhelming, and the fact that all he wanted to do was resume his fidgeting only made it worse. “I know you’ve been having a hard time. It’s okay. Whatever this is, we can get through it. But I need you to talk to me, Sokka. I was already worried but after your anxiety attack yesterday—”</p><p>“I didn’t have an anxiety attack.”</p><p>The words left his mouth before he even had a chance to think about what he was saying. In all honesty, Sokka didn’t know much about panic or anxiety attacks. He knew how to recognize when <em>Zuko </em>was having one or was about to, but he didn’t really know the difference between the two and he didn’t know how to tell if <em>he </em>was the one having it. Still, he didn’t believe that he could’ve been having them. Yes, he had one or two or two dozen panic attacks over the last few months but that was just because of his flashbacks. It had nothing to do with his mental stability, just horrible nightmares and daydreams. But what if his dad <em>was </em>right? Sokka had assumed and accepted that he was just stressed and overwhelmed the day before but if his dad thought he had an anxiety attack, maybe that was what happened. Except it couldn’t be, right? He didn’t have problems with that. He didn’t have problems with anxiety. It didn’t make any sense.</p><p>“Yes, you did.” Hakoda was not even somewhat harsh with his words, moving his hand to rest on Sokka’s shoulder reassuringly. He gave him a squeeze, waiting for his son to finally look up and meet his gaze before he went on. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Sokka. It’s okay. We’re going to get through this, but I need you to be honest with me. I need you to tell me what’s going on or I don’t know how to help you.”</p><p>“I don’t know, Dad.” He shook his head, blinking rapidly as his mind moved a thousand miles a minute. There was still so much else to think about—what he was going to have for breakfast, Zuko, the meetings he was attending later, Zuko, if he was going to go home soon, <em>Zuko</em>—and his brain was jumping around so much he couldn’t focus on one thought long enough to decide whether he even had an answer. “I don’t know. I’m fine, seriously. The only reason I stayed here was because something happened here with Zuko and I wanted to be there for him. I didn’t mean to be gone for so long before I sent you anything, I just got distracted and it slipped my mind. I’m really sorry.”</p><p>“Sokka, I know that’s not true. You—” He cut himself off when Sokka flinched, suddenly ceasing the swinging of his legs. “You haven’t told me about that. Suki knows, Katara knows, and Zuko knows, but I’m pretty sure you only told one of them about it willingly, right? Because Katara only found out when she went to find you and it turned out you were with the palace physician.”</p><p>He cringed. “I told Toph too. That wasn’t… entirely willingly, though. Neither was Zuko. I’m sorry, Dad, I just— I thought I was stressed but then you said I was having an anxiety attack and I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I want to be okay? I think I’m okay. But I don’t know if something is wrong with me. I don’t understand why I would have an anxiety attack and I don’t— I don’t like it when I don’t know what’s going on so if you want me to be really, <em>really </em>honest, I’m kind of freaking out right now.”</p><p>“It’s okay. We’re going to figure this out, Sokka. I promise.”</p><p>“I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.” His voice cracked and he despised it, but he couldn’t stop that or the following sniffle. “I try to be happy and make jokes and be there for everyone but I just— I’m just so fucking sad all the time and I don’t even know why.”</p><p>“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay.” Hakoda reached around and pulled Sokka into an embrace, and he snuggled into his dad’s shoulder. He was still lost, confused, stressed, and overwhelmed about everything that was going on but being in his dad’s arms made him feel a little better. He took a deep breath, refusing to let himself get too upset. His dad wouldn’t notice one or two tears, but he’d realize if Sokka soaked his entire shirt. “There is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes people are just sad and there isn’t always a reason for it. That’s okay. It’s okay to be sad, you just got to talk to us about it.”</p><p>“I don’t want to be sad anymore.”</p><p>“I know, bud.” He slid a hand over Sokka’s head, gently pushing away a fallen tear before pulling him in closer to his chest. “I know.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Talking to Suki and Katara wasn’t any easier than talking to his dad was—okay, he didn’t start to cry on either of them, so it was <em>marginally </em>easier, but still—and by the time afternoon rolled around, Sokka was emotionally and mentally spent. He had to rehash the same things he’d already said to Hakoda—that if something was wrong then he didn’t know what it was, his leg was only sporadically bothering him, and he really didn’t think he needed help—but with even more questions about this and that which he didn’t have answers for. He really wasn’t trying to leave them out of the loop, he just didn’t know what to tell them. Sokka just didn’t have the answers to the things they wanted to know and the longer the conversation went on, the more uncomfortable it got because they wanted to know why he did what he did, and he didn’t know. He didn’t know why he made the stupid decision to come to the Fire Nation. He didn’t know why he chickened out of telling Suki the truth or took so long to tell them where he went. He didn’t know why he was so sad and awful to himself all the time. He just didn’t know anymore.</p><p>Sokka was finally able to escape the awkward conversations when Ty Lee asked Suki and Katara to go with her to some place in the lower town, and they agreed after making sure that Sokka was okay on his own (much to his disdain). Once they were gone, he nearly went back inside the palace to distract himself with work but ended up stopping on the front steps and just sitting down, soaking in the warm air. If there was one thing he vastly preferred about the Fire Nation to the Water Tribe, it was that he was able to go about sleeveless every day and not have to worry about literally freezing his fingers off. Yeah, he still had his wrappings on every second he was awake, but at least he had full use of his fingers. He tried to shut up his brain for a few seconds, so that he could truly relax and appreciate where he was, but it didn’t work like that. His mind just kept churning and darting around from thought to thought and subject to subject and before he knew it he was thinking about seventeen more things and he didn’t even know which one he was supposed to focus on.</p><p>He needed to go home. There were no two ways about it. His family had come all the way from the South Pole to find him and they were expecting him to go back with them. He <em>wanted </em>to go back with them. But he had so much going on in the Fire Nation. Zuko was still struggling massively, but their other friends were there to watch over him, so Sokka didn’t need to stay. Except he wanted to. He didn’t like the Fire Nation or most of their people or what they represented in his mind but dammit, he liked <em>Zuko</em>. He liked Zuko and he didn’t want to leave him when he was still in so much pain. When, even if he had his friends to watch over him, he was still liable to crack at any moment. He didn’t want to leave until he knew that Zuko was okay or at least, that he would be.</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka whipped around when he heard Zuko’s voice, frowning when he saw him. He was dressed exceptionally royally, his hair and crown styled correctly for once, and he didn’t look to be in a poor mood. Instead of elaborating right away, he stepped down and sat on the steps to the left of Sokka, glancing out toward the courtyard and not looking back when he spoke. “Did you talk to your dad?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” He chewed on his thumbnail lamely, trying to find a way to answer. Sometimes, Zuko being blunt was a blessing, and other times it was a curse. He wouldn’t have been opposed to dancing around the subject for a while. “We’re figuring it out. Why? What did he say to you yesterday?”</p><p>“Not much. He just wanted to know if you were okay. <em>Are</em> you okay? Right now, I mean?”</p><p>“Yeah, no, I’m fine, it’s just… I don’t know.” Sokka sighed deeply, turning to look at Zuko who didn’t meet his gaze. “I know my dad and Katara and even Suki all said that it was okay, and they weren’t mad at me, but I just feel like— like I disappointed them, maybe? I don’t even know; I just think that I upset everyone, and I feel so fucking bad about it.”</p><p>“Upset everyone?” Zuko made a face, slowly shaking his head. “Your family isn’t upset with you, Sokka. They were just worried. When I talked to your dad, he just kept asking me if you were okay. He wanted to know what was bothering you, but I didn’t know what to tell him. I think you really need help, Sokka.”</p><p>“<em>I </em>need help?” He wasn’t rude in his tone but couldn’t stop himself from snorting. “All right, I’m not trying to be a jerk, Zuko, I know that’s your job as the Lord of them, but nobody needs help more than you right now and you’re not taking it. You literally told me that you wanted to die and now you’re telling <em>me </em>I need help.”</p><p>“Yeah, I am. Because you do this every time. I said that to your dad too. Every time I say something about how you’re not doing well, you turn it back around on me. I know I don’t take care of myself and I know I’m in a shitty place but that’s not an excuse for you to not be worrying about yourself too. You need to do something about this. I don’t know what you’re repressing but there’s some deep shit going on in your head that you <em>need </em>to dig out.”</p><p>“Again, you’re going to talk to me about repression? Really? After we made out four times and they all ended the exact same way with you saying it’s disgusting, and you don’t like boys, when you <em>very </em>clearly enjoyed what we were doing. What I’m doing is not repression. <em>That’s</em> repression.”</p><p>“Stop doing that!” This time Zuko’s voice was sharper, snapping at him as he whipped around to look; his hands clenching into tight fists. Sokka visibly flinched, not having spurred Zuko’s temper more than one or two other times since he’d been there. “I <em>know </em>I’m fucked-up and I <em>know </em>I’m repressing shit, Sokka, but we’re not talking about me right now. We’re talking about <em>you </em>so just stop turning this back around on me and tell me what’s bothering you. <em>Please</em>.”</p><p>“I—” Sokka cut himself off, dragging his gaze down to his feet to avoid Zuko’s flaming glare. He hesitated for several long seconds, biting down on his thumbnail again. He still didn’t know what was wrong. Yes, he knew he was going through shit with the nightmares and the fidgeting, but he didn’t know what was causing it. He didn’t know what to blame it on. So, he went with what was upsetting him in the moment. “I think I messed up everything. With my dad, Katara, Suki. I fucked up really bad. I was stressed and I wasn’t thinking, and I kept making impulsive decisions and… I don’t know. My dad seems so sad and worried and Katara and Suki were both pretty upset that I wouldn’t tell them what was wrong, but I don’t even know anymore, okay? I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m not happy. I’m not. But I don’t know why, and I <em>hate </em>not knowing things and it’s driving me insane.”</p><p>“I’ve been there a lot. Sometimes I’m all right and no one even asks a question all day and sometimes it’s a struggle just to get myself out of bed. You went through hell trying to stop my father, Sokka. No one expects you to be fine after that. But there are people you can talk to. I found a lot for Azula to talk to, and she worked out a lot of the shit our parents put her through. <em>Azula</em>. If it works for her, it works for anyone. Can you just give it a try? Maybe?”</p><p>“No, I don’t need help. I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know it’s not bad enough for that. I just need to find a way to stop myself from doing all these things. Like, tapping my hands and losing focus and shit. It was fucking me up bad at the tribe and if I can just stop doing that, I’ll be able to get back to being myself. That’s it. I’m fine, aside from whatever is making me do that.”</p><p>“I know I told you this before, but there’s nothing <em>making </em>you do that,” said Zuko. He moved his hand awkwardly for a moment before placing it down on Sokka’s shoulder stiffly, in a way which was clearly intended to be reassuring. “It’s not a bad thing to have a few nervous habits. Fidgeting isn’t any different from the way you chew on your nails. It just happens. Everyone does it.”</p><p>“You mean like the way you’re always chewing on your lip?”</p><p>Zuko made a face, suddenly pulling away from him. “What? I don’t chew on my lip.”</p><p>“Yeah, you do.” The look on Zuko’s face was too surprised and Sokka couldn’t help but chuckle. “You do it all the time. You have almost like a split right in the middle of your lip where your front teeth always hit it.”</p><p>“I do not! Where? How would you possibly know that?”</p><p>“You know, it’s…” He stared into Zuko’s eyes even when they didn’t stare back, soaking in every bit of the light which reflected off their light brown color. In this sun they looked almost golden, twinkling whenever the clouds parted in just the right way. Sokka’s eyes flickered down to what they were talking about, quickly moving back to Zuko’s eyes and then down to the ground. <em>No, Sokka, stop. You’re being stupid. You’re not supposed to do this.</em> It didn’t work. He didn’t stop. “It’s right…”</p><p>He placed a hand on Zuko’s chin, tilting his head upward.</p><p>“…about…”</p><p>Zuko met his gaze, his sparkling eyes unwavering.</p><p>“…here.”</p><p>Sokka leaned in and pressed their lips together gently, his fingers still stroking Zuko’s jaw. It was stupid, he knew. Pretty much the corniest way anyone had ever initiated a kiss ever. But he couldn’t stop himself. Zuko looked so beautiful in the sunlight, his dark hair and eyes shining as his lips moved to kiss back. He didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands and slid them around on his knees awkwardly, to which Sokka set his own down on top of them because at least they could be awkward together. Sokka slid his tongue against Zuko’s bottom lip softly and felt him smile ever so slightly when he realized that Sokka was pointing out where the split was in his skin. Altogether the moment didn’t last more than thirty seconds but it was perfect as it was and when Sokka pulled away, Zuko looked a little stunned. He blinked several times, glancing over both his shoulders to make sure no one saw.</p><p>Too long of a time passed with neither of them saying a word after that. Sokka suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable and turned away, wrapping his arms around his legs, and plopping his chin on top of them. He stared at the ground in front of him while Zuko initially failed to move; his eyes wide and his mouth hanging slightly open as he shook his head slightly, turning to look the same direction as Sokka. They said nothing. Sokka knew he fucked up again. It felt like a moment, but there <em>were </em>no more moments because Zuko rejected him. Zuko didn’t like guys, he’d made that very clear. He thought it was disgusting for them to kiss and now he wouldn’t even want to be Sokka’s friend anymore because he crossed the line again. It was too much. Sokka took a deep breath, trying to find a way to apologize before he lost someone else, but then Zuko said something that threw him for such a loop every single one of those thoughts fell right out of his brain and he nearly doubled over in shock.</p><p>“I think I’m gay.”</p><p>He didn’t look up when he said it, his voice quiet as he stared down at his feet in front of him. Sokka was almost glad he wasn’t looking at him because if Zuko saw his face—blue eyes wide like he’d witnessed a murder and his jaw hanging open as if it were broken—he might have got the wrong idea. When Sokka first kissed Zuko, it was an impulse. He didn’t know if Zuko liked boys at all and after that day, he thought he was probably bisexual, probably with a preference for women, given the fact that he dated Mai for what, three years, give or take? And then add on the fact that Zuko had been so horribly uncomfortable with the idea of liking boys at all and suddenly things started to click in Sokka’s mind. <em>That </em>was why it was bothering him so much. He wasn’t in the midst of a bisexual awakening, he’d been struggling with his identity for probably <em>years </em>at that point and, just like Sokka, never had to truly face it until then. Except he did, didn’t he? He had to know that he wasn’t truly attracted to Mai in that way. Unless he was so fucking starved of love that he didn’t even know what it was supposed to feel like.</p><p>Sokka turned to Zuko to say something but found himself stuck in the same place he was when Suki came out. What the <em>fuck</em> was he supposed to say? When he came out to Zuko, all <em>he</em> did was promise not to kill him, but for some reason, that didn’t feel right. Plus, there was the added detail that he already knew Zuko was into boys and this was just a further confirmation of that plus a little extra information. Why did it have to be so hard to find the right thing to say? Was that what other people were going to feel like when he came out? Or <em>if </em>he came out. He’d never thought about it as a certainty before. He’d never had a reason to. But as he sat there, watching Zuko’s terrified expression as he closed his eyes, his head directed at the concrete beneath him, he realized that he <em>did</em>. Sokka lifted his arm, wrapping it around Zuko’s shoulders and hugging him reassuringly.</p><p>“Okay.” That was the first thing he thought of and he knew it wasn’t a good enough response. Zuko was still as a statue, barely settling into Sokka’s grasp. He tried again, gently nudging his shoulder. “Zuko, hey. I’m proud of you for being able to say that. I know how hard it is for you.”</p><p>Zuko nodded but didn’t say anything, and Sokka took the silence as an opportunity to think some more. It was a hard conversation to have—not as hard as the one he had to have with his dad or Suki and Katara earlier, but still hard—and he didn’t want to make it worse by saying the wrong thing. Especially not since Zuko was raised in what must have been one of the most grossly homophobic homes in the world. Given the circumstances, he almost expected Zuko to freak out or run off or both, but he didn’t. He just sat there, completely frozen as he stared at the ground in front of them. Sokka waited for him to make the next move, not wanting to get in the way of him processing his thoughts and worried that whatever he said next would be the wrong thing. He’d already messed up with Suki, Katara, and his dad—he couldn’t risk anything that would mess things up with Zuko. Not again.</p><p>“I don’t know why I said that.” Zuko’s voice was flat. It didn’t seem like he necessarily regretted saying the words, but he wasn’t fully confident in them either. He sniffed, swallowing hard before he went on; his words coming out quickly, but not quite panicked. “I really— I don’t know. I have no idea why I just said that.”</p><p>“Well, do you—” Sokka cut himself off, hesitating before he decided to commit to his question. “Do you think it’s true?”</p><p>“I… yeah. Yeah. I think so. I don’t know.” And just like he said he didn’t do, Zuko bit down on his lip, shifting slightly when Sokka adjusted the arm around his shoulders. Neither of them said anything for a long several seconds, before he finally went on, his tone unreadable. “Sorry. We were talking about you. About how you needed to get help and stuff? Where were we at with that?”</p><p>“I don’t remember, and it’s fine. We don’t have to talk about that.” What he was really saying was that he didn’t <em>want </em>to talk about it, but he wasn’t going to say that. Not when he knew how stubborn Zuko was. “I mean, are you okay? Are you all right with this?”</p><p>“No. I mean— sorry. I don’t know. It’s a lot to think about. Can we just talk about something else please?”</p><p>“Mm.”</p><p>Sokka slid back, planting a soft kiss on Zuko’s temple before he pulled away to give his friend more space. He ended up not quite getting the chance to do the second part, however, as they were very suddenly interrupted when the door behind them swung open quickly and loud, stomping feet pattered up behind them. Instead of gracefully pulling away, Sokka and Zuko ripped apart so quickly they both nearly fell over, Sokka rolling his eyes when he realized that it was not someone having caught what they were doing—though it would’ve been likely, given how stupid he was to kiss Zuko on the front steps of the goddamn palace—but Toph; her arms crossed and expression far from amused.</p><p>“I thought I told you two <em>not </em>to gross me out anymore,” she said, her tone bitter but clearly joking.</p><p>“How was I supposed to know you were in there?” asked Sokka, sliding back up into a more regular position. “There was a giant door between us!”</p><p>“Yeah, there is, which is why if you don’t want anyone to know about this, then you shouldn’t be giving each other temple kisses right in the middle of the fucking palace! You’re lucky <em>I </em>came along first because Twinkle Toes and Chief Hakoda are coming behind me any second now and either one of them could’ve seen you. Also, what happened to ‘it’ll never happen again’?”</p><p>“Toph, stop. Please.” For once, it wasn’t the look on Zuko’s face that caused Sokka to make the request, but his own bullshit feelings. The very <em>idea </em>of his dad finding out that he’d been making out with the Fire Lord was enough to start his heart racing and the fact that it was a very real possibility was too much to think about. “We were just hanging out. We weren’t doing anything, seriously.”</p><p>“Okay, so you give tender temple kisses to all your friends?” she said sarcastically. “Where’s mine? No, stop standing up, I don’t want one! I’m just saying, if you want to keep making out behind people’s backs that’s fine but you can’t be this obvious about it. Please. Use your brains.”</p><p>She stepped up to them, knocking on the sides of each of their heads, and that was when the door opened again and Aang and Hakoda walked out; halfway through a conversation about something involving Monk Gyatso and some delicious sounding treats. Sokka met his dad’s eyes for only a second before looking away, the burden of his concerned gaze too much to bear. Turning away only brought on another look, however. One from Zuko which told him that it was okay to work through this slowly. That just because he <em>felt </em>like everyone was mad or upset with him didn’t mean they actually were. Sokka inhaled deeply and turned around to face his dad and Aang, a smile on his face. Aang waved, explaining that he’d been telling Hakoda a story from before the war. They’d all kind of figured that out already considering Gyatso was involved but they didn’t point that out, just let him finish telling it.</p><p>“…anyway,” he went on, after the end of the story, “we were going to go into town and check out the market. Do you guys want to come?”</p><p>“I can’t,” said Zuko, shaking his head. Sokka instinctively looked to Toph to see if she knew whether he was lying, but she only shrugged. “I have a meeting in like, ten minutes, and I already pushed these guys back once this week to deal with all the Earth Kingdom stuff so I really can’t delay it. But thank you for the offer, I appreciate it.”</p><p>With that, he forced a smile and stood up, sliding past them back into the palace. Sokka rose behind him, not following but stopping to look at the others, who were still waiting for an answer. “I think I’m going to stay here. I want to finish up some stuff I was working on before we meet with the Earth Kingdom reps again this evening. But there’s this <em>amazing </em>treat stand you should check out on your way back. It’s by that one noodle place. Which is also really good.”</p><p>“Sokka.” Hakoda dropped a hand on his shoulder before he could go back inside the building, and Sokka had to turn back to look at him, his brow raised in question. “Is everything all right? You sure you don’t want to come with us?”</p><p>“No, I only have a couple hours to get this done,” said Sokka, shrugging casually. The last thing he wanted to do was rehash their deep talk from before. “I’ll just ask Zuko’s servants to bring me something. It’s not a big deal, I do it all the time. Usually, actually. We don’t get out of the palace much. I’ll see you guys at dinner though, all right? Save me some fire flakes.”</p><p>“Wait, one more thing. Since you’re staying back, do me a favor and make sure Zuko gets something to eat, all right? I don’t know what’s been going on here, but I helped him stand up yesterday and the poor kid can’t weigh more than a hundred and five pounds. He needs to get more food in him or he’s just going to waste away. I’m not kidding.”</p><p>“I know, Dad, I’ve been trying. He has too, it’s just… it’s not easy.” He took a deep breath. “Like— Like it’s not easy for me to talk about myself. I’m going to talk to you about everything, I promise. I just don’t know how. I’m trying to figure it out.”</p><p>“Okay. You let me know as soon as you do, all right? I don’t want you going through this alone.” Hakoda pulled his son into a hug after Sokka nodded, sinking into his chest. “All right, have fun with your meeting, son. I’m going to keep an eye on these two and make sure they aren’t pulling any more of those scams they were bragging about last night.”</p><p>“Dad, if they want to pull scams, they’re going to do it right under your nose. Guaranteed.”</p><p>He groaned, shaking his head as he turned to walk away, sending one last look in Sokka’s direction. “That’s <em>exactly </em>what I’m worried about.”</p>
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<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Chapter Thirty-Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The moment he said the words, Zuko’s brain froze and it stayed that way for the rest of the day.</p><p>He was gay. He was very, very sure that he was gay, he just didn’t know how to cope with that information. In concept, he knew it was okay. Zuko was the Fire Lord and he himself had abolished the law criminalizing homosexuality. But in practice, the mere realization broke him to a point where he was no longer functional and kept missing things people said to him during his meetings. It was all Sokka’s fault, he told himself over and over. He never would’ve had that realization if Sokka hadn’t said that super tacky line and kissed him and licked his damn lip again and made him realize that there was not one kiss from one girl that would or could ever compare to the sweet, soft tenderness of Sokka’s lips against his. The gentleness of his skin, the chocolate on his tongue, the way he stroked Zuko’s chin and then slid their hands together because he was awkward as hell and didn’t know what to do with his arms. It was sweet and soft and perfect and even though he panicked afterward, there was nothing about the moment he would’ve changed.</p><p>Well, actually the fact that he was kissing a <em>boy </em>in that moment wasn’t quite preferable but Sokka had nicer lips and gentler hands than any girl he’d ever been with—and there was a whopping, like, two of them—so he decided not to dwell on that in the moment. Instead, he chose to sit down and write a letter to his uncle because the day was a long one and it’d been a bit since he’d gotten the chance to do that. Not that it would’ve mattered if he <em>had </em>written something because at that point he was pretty much just lying out his ass every time he sent something. Sometimes he wondered if Iroh noticed, but if he did, he never said anything which was far too out of character for it to be true. He’d have called Zuko on his bullshit and shown up on his doorstep ages ago if he knew. That thought spurred a mini crisis when Zuko suddenly wondered how good of a liar he’d become, but he didn’t dwell on it for too long because his mind drifted back to Sokka kissing him on the steps again and then the strangest thing happened.</p><p>He smiled.</p><p>There was no one else around. Zuko had absolutely no reason to force a smile and yet there he was, smiling to himself like an absolute idiot. He scraped his teeth against his lip as he bit down on it for a reason that <em>wasn’t </em>anxiety. It was just… he didn’t even know. It was a weird feeling, and he didn’t know if he liked it. It was too strange, too outlandish, and so he pushed the smile from his face. What did he have to be smiling about anyway? He was just writing a letter to his uncle. A letter about how things were going well with the discussions regarding the colonies and everything should be on its way to getting sorted soon. Also that the boy who came to stay with him for a while turned out to be really, really great and they kissed a few times and Zuko liked him a <em>lot </em>but he was a boy and Sokka was a boy and he didn’t know if that would be okay with his uncle given that he grew up in the same home as his father so he was careful in the way he phrased it but <em>god </em>Sokka was great and he couldn’t stop gushing. By the time he was done with his letter he’d written far too much, and he didn’t even bother rereading it because he <em>knew </em>he couldn’t send it.</p><p>Part of Zuko felt bad for discarding the letter simply because he’d written about Sokka in it. Compared to everything else he’d been writing recently, he actually added some rather positive things and the majority of the words made him sound almost… <em>happy</em>. But it didn’t matter because he wrote about a boy in the letter—very <em>explicitly </em>wrote about a boy; as in, he didn’t namedrop but he/him pronouns were fucking everywhere—and he wasn’t ready to tell Iroh that he liked boys yet. He wasn’t ready to admit that apparently his three year on and off relationship was pretty much just a really close friendship because he really wasn’t into girls since guess what? You know that thing that his father said he would harm, banish, or <em>kill </em>him for? Yep. Yeah, he did it. He kissed a boy. Several times. And stared at him a lot more than that. Because he was gay. He didn’t want to be, and he didn’t ask to be, but the fact was, all denial and repression aside, it was true.</p><p>Zuko was gay.</p><p>It was weird to think about that. He’d known for a while that he was into guys, yes, because Sokka was too damn pretty for the world, but he hadn’t thought about being <em>gay </em>until he kissed him for the fifth—at least, he thought it was the fifth, but it was unclear given that he couldn’t remember what happened when he was drunk—time and he blurted out the words without even thinking about it. Not that it mattered too much. If he were going to have a dramatic or eloquent coming out to anyone, it was not going to be Sokka because it really <em>couldn’t </em>be. They’d already made out far too many times for a real coming out to even be worth it. Honestly, given how much of a disaster he was, Sokka probably just assumed that Zuko was gay the entire time and that was why he’d kissed him in the first place. After all, he wouldn’t have been the first person to think he was gay; back then he just didn’t realize that he actually <em>was</em>.</p><p>Though his mind was somewhat racing, Zuko ended up flopping into bed soon after that and passed out within minutes. Apparently he was more tired than he’d thought. He woke up at his normal time, right when the sun was starting to come up, but groaned and flopped right back over into his pillows. His head was <em>pounding</em>, he felt nauseous as shit, and for some reason he was <em>freezing</em>. Zuko dragged his blankets over his head, taking a deep breath as he tried to warm his body up with his bending. It worked, but it was a struggle and not as effective as it should have been. Something still felt <em>weird </em>and so he stayed under the blankets, urging his dizziness and nausea to go away. It didn’t even make sense that he was sick. He hadn’t done anything the day before. When he went to bed, he was in a good mood. He wrote to his uncle, dumped out all his happy thoughts, was even coming close to being okay with the idea of being gay. So, where the <em>fuck </em>did this illness come from?</p><p>There were several times as he drifted in and out of consciousness when Zuko thought to himself that he needed to get up. He already lost his time to get ready and he was fairly sure he slept right through breakfast too, which meant he was going to be behind on meals <em>again</em>. Not that it mattered to him, but everyone else was getting really on top of him for it and it was starting to get annoying. Zuko reached over to his table and grabbed the scroll with his week’s schedule on it, breathing out a sigh of relief when he saw that he did not, in fact, have any meetings until after lunch. He did, however, have a ton of work he needed to get done and so while he had no interest in getting out of bed, Zuko slid some things onto the blankets with him and leaned back against his pillows; getting to work on all the documents he’d been needing to go through. He noticed that he’d continued to drift in and out of sleep, his eyes closed more than they were open, but he still got a lot done so he didn’t worry about it too much. He was probably just behind on sleep. That made the most sense, considering how awful his schedule had been recently.</p><p>But then he was reading something about the Northern Water Tribe and opened his eyes to find that his papers were shifted off his lap to the side of his leg and someone had a hand on his forehead. He yanked away, barely resisting the urge to slap whoever it was and closing his eyes again the moment it was off him. Zuko knew that he needed to keep working on his things, but he was so tired. Someone to the left of him spoke but his brain was too scrambled to process the words and his eyelids were too heavy to force them back open. He ignored every word he heard around him, no longer aware of when he was and wasn’t awake, until someone said his name. Once, twice, three times— they just kept saying it; looking and pleading for any kind of response from him. Couldn’t they tell he wanted to be left alone? He spent twenty hours a day working, it wouldn’t kill him to take<em> one </em>nap. He finally spoke when someone asked if he was okay, though he couldn’t tell who the voice was or whether the question was genuine.</p><p>“‘M cold,” he said, his eyes fluttering before closing completely. He didn’t even feel that sick anymore, he was just <em>so tired</em>. “I need the— I wath working on the— the thing for the Water Tribe. The Northern— The Northern Water Tribe. The— The tradeth. I have to thign the—”</p><p>Zuko stopped trying to talk when someone wrapped a hand around his; their arms pressing together as their fingers intertwined. He didn’t open his eyes but leaned into Sokka’s shoulder, resting his head against it sleepily. Someone else was still moving around to his left, but he didn’t know who it was, and he couldn’t be bothered to find out. At least, not until a seriously cold and wet washcloth slapped him in the face, landing in a diagonal line halfway across his nose, blocking his eye, and soaking the bit of hair that dared get in its way on his forehead. Zuko groaned and opened his eyes, suddenly awoken by the freezing water on his face. He grabbed the washcloth and threw it at his feet, glaring when he turned to the left and saw Toph standing beside the bed, not looking the least bit remorseful.</p><p>“Toph, what did you do that for?” he snapped, his head swirling when he sat up, dragging Sokka alongside him.</p><p>“What?” she said defensively. “Sokka is the one who asked me to get a cold washcloth for your face. I was just trying to help. It’s not <em>my </em>fault you have to have a like a thousand pillows on your bed. I mean, seriously, who needs that many? It’s impossible to see you!”</p><p>“Excuse me? When I first showed you your room, the first thing you said was that it needed double the pillows.”</p><p>“Maybe, but <em>I’m </em>not planning to catch a fever and need a blind bitch and Snoozles to rescue me.”</p><p>He blinked. “I don’t have a fever.”</p><p>“Yeah, you do.” Toph nodded quickly, crossing her arms against her chest. “Sokka’s been in here trying to take care of you for half an hour. You’re shaking too. I don’t know if you noticed that.”</p><p>“I don’t have a fever, I’m freezing,” Zuko groaned. “I’m not shaking either. Did you tell anyone else about this? Was anyone else in here?”</p><p>“No.” It was Sokka who shook his head, sliding away from Zuko, likely since he was no longer half passed out. He moved back to look straight at Zuko, his legs swinging over the side of the bed. “We just came to get you for lunch, and you were passed out on a bunch of papers. Your arms are actually covered in ink, so you might want to wash that off before meeting with anyone. Are you all right, though? I was just about to get Shin when you woke up.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine. I didn’t sleep well. Probably just tired.” He pushed himself up, wincing as he leaned back against the wall behind him. Sokka reached out to his arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze when Zuko lifted a hand up to his eyes. “Sorry, I’m okay. I’m just really lightheaded for some reason. Did you say it’s already lunch time? Fuck, I’m going to be late for—”</p><p>Sokka latched back onto Zuko’s arm just in time to stop him from falling on his way out of bed. Almost immediately, Zuko ripped away from him, his breathing heavy and his heart pounding as he struggled to stand on his own. He felt a pang of guilt in his chest when he saw the hurt look on Sokka’s face, and it was that which made him let his guard down and allow Sokka to slide a hand around his waist. It didn’t make sense. The day before he was okay. He was happy. And suddenly, he was tired and fatigued and felt like he could barely stand up.</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka shifted slightly to better support Zuko’s weight when he stumbled, his eyes wide with concern. “Do you want me to cancel your meetings for today?”</p><p>“No, I have to go.” He shook his head quickly, wincing at how much worse it made his lightheadedness. “The Earth Kingdom reps are here, remember? I have to talk to them.”</p><p>“I know, but if you don’t feel good, you shouldn’t—”</p><p>“It’s <em>fine</em>, Sokka. It’ll pass. It always passes.”</p><p>Despite his insistence that he was okay, that it was nothing to be concerned about, Zuko didn’t object when Sokka offered to help him get ready. He felt pathetic having to be dragged around, but he couldn’t do it on his own. He couldn’t hold his hands up for long enough to put his hair into a topknot or hide the bags under his eyes. All he could do was sit there while Sokka took care of it himself, trying desperately to identify why he felt so awful when everything was finally seemed to be going okay.</p><p>The moment Sokka and Toph were both gone, Zuko flopped back down into the pillows. He knew he needed to get up and go to his meetings, and he was going to, but he needed five more minutes of rest first.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>In his defense, Zuko didn’t actually mean to miss lunch. He accidentally fell asleep again and by the time he woke up, had limited time left to get his shit together for the last meeting with the Earth Kingdom representatives before they left for Ba Sing Se in the morning. He’d forgotten what he said to Toph and Sokka in minutes and was completely immersed in his work; ignoring the fact that his entire body was filled with inexplicable fatigue. At one point, he was so out of it that he started taking notes with his left hand, before remembering that wasn’t custom and switching the brush back to his right. It was a good thing he was alone in the meeting room. At least no one was around to witness his mistakes.</p><p>He was mostly writing down reminders for himself, to keep track of everything they needed to discuss before the representatives left. Though Zuko’s initial speech had gone over well, his behavior after that apparently soured the Earth Kingdom’s opinion of him and they spent far too much time arguing over his sudden disappearance to truly debate what needed to be done. Therefore, Zuko had a lot more stuff he wanted to talk about and given that his brain was only somewhat functioning at the moment, he wanted a shit ton of notes on what had to happen so he wouldn’t forget anything important. It was in the middle of writing these when the door opened, and the first person walked in. Zuko looked up, hoping to see Sokka there or at least one of the less aggressive politicians, but was instead met with the face of Azula, who gave him a long look before sliding into the seat to his right.</p><p>“Hey, Zuzu.” She placed down a few scrolls of her own onto the table, glancing over at his before he quickly hid them. He didn’t want Azula making fun of him for his incoherent notes. Unfortunately, she didn’t take the hint, and decided to keep poking at him anyway. “So, is there anything you want to talk to me about?”</p><p>“No.” Zuko shook his head, looking back down to his paperwork to review what other people wanted him to talk about. “And if there’s something <em>you </em>want me to talk about, I would appreciate it if you just said what it is. I’m not a fucking mind reader.”</p><p>“Ooh, aren’t you moody today? Actually, there were a few things I wanted to talk to you about, but I doubt you’d be willing to discuss it. Like, how you’re going to talk to these guys without getting pissed, if you figured out what to do about the education system, whether you decided you’re into guys or not, why you weren’t at breakfast <em>or </em>lunch today, if you’re actively trying to kill yourself or if it’s just a passive thing—”</p><p>“Stop.” There was one thing Azula was right about and that was that he didn’t want to talk about any of those topics. He might be able to discuss the first two with some help from his notes, but not the others. He couldn’t. “You’re right, okay? I don’t want to talk about that, so just be quiet and let me work on this. I have a lot of shit I need to get through before the Earth Kingdom reps arrive.”</p><p>“Okay, fine. You want me to find you something to eat before the meeting?” She flinched when Zuko whipped his head up to glare at her, his hands clenching into fists and crushing one of his blank sheets of paper. “Damn, back off. I was just wondering because you’re really pale today. But if you say you’re fine, then fine, I won’t push it. Just amazes me that you can actually read whatever you’re writing when your hands are shaking that badly.”</p><p>That was it. That was the last straw he needed to throw the brush down in front of him, glaring at Azula as he inhaled sharply. “Just fuck off, all right? I’m fine. I am. Just leave me alone. I don’t even know why you’re in here.”</p><p>“Because I’m trying to help,” Azula snapped. “I covered your ass when you were drunk as shit, I made up more excuses where you were when you were hungover and couldn’t get your act together, and now they like me and they trust me so stop being such a dick, okay? You’re in no fucking position to be pushing people away right now.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t bother responding. He might not have been in a place to push people away, but he wasn’t in a place to talk to those who were shouting at him either. Just because Azula wanted him to talk about all the shit in his life didn’t mean he wanted any part of it. Yes, he was tired. Yes, he was shaking. No, it wasn’t because there was anything wrong with him, it was because he was the fucking Fire Lord and under unimaginable stress. As such, he made the decision to go right back to his papers, ignoring Azula when she let out a cry of frustration before reviewing her own.</p><p>Soon after, the door opened again and Sokka came in, sitting down to Zuko’s left and looking back and forth between the siblings as if he could see the tension through the air. He looked to Zuko for an answer, but Zuko avoided his gaze. The fact that he’d actually told someone he thought he might be gay was suddenly catching up to him and he didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t know <em>how </em>to think about it. All he wanted to do was figure out the deal with the Earth Kingdom. To ignore everything that was bothering him and the sudden, inexplicable fatigue that had overtaken him that morning.</p><p>Though Sokka tried to talk to Zuko, to say something to him about the fact that he’d skipped out on lunch, Zuko avoided the question until the other politicians arrived and they had no more opportunity for personal conversations. They immediately launched into diplomatic discussions, Zuko taking charge in spite of his exhaustion and referring to his notes constantly to ensure they spoke about everything he wanted to. Everyone was cooperating with him for once, finally letting go of the fact that he’d completely ditched them the other night, and they managed to get through the first hour of the meeting without more than a few bumps. Zuko was able to answer every question they threw his way and completely covered the fact that he was not well, though there was one thing bothering him and that was not even to do with himself. Instead, it was about Sokka. Because, despite the fact that he was basically the brains behind the entire second half of the plans, the politicians did not take him seriously and continuously cut him off halfway through his thoughts.</p><p>At first, Zuko was able to look past it as nothing personal. They’d cut off him and Azula and even each other several times too, just trying to get their points across in a way that was very direct. But then he realized that they weren’t just getting in the way of <em>some </em>things that Sokka said, they were getting in the way of <em>everything </em>that he said, and it went too far. Zuko had to grit his teeth and grab onto the edge of the table to keep from shouting at the men as Sokka sank back in his chair, clearly having noticed the same thing Zuko did. Suddenly, he wondered how long that had been going on for. He’d missed a few of the meetings with the Earth Kingdom reps thanks to his hangover and then being too ashamed to face them, and during his last meeting he was totally out of it. Those old assholes could have been blowing him off the entire time and Zuko was none the wiser. He tried to hold his tongue but the next time one of the oldest men cut off Sokka during a brilliant thought, he shoved his chair back, slamming his palms against the table.</p><p>“What the <em>fuck </em>is your problem?” he demanded, not thinking for a second before he spoke. “Sokka was just proposing a brilliant idea and you cut him off. You’ve all been cutting him off, this entire time. He’s giving you good information and solid suggestions and you’re ignoring him. You’re not even pretending you’re listening. Why can you not just keep your mouths shut for six seconds and let him talk?”</p><p>“Zuko—”</p><p>He ripped away when Sokka reached out for his arm. “No. I want answers. <em>Now</em>.”</p><p>“That boy has no place in our discussions,” said one of the women at the far end of the table. Zuko couldn’t remember her name, but he remembered thinking she was kind of a bitch when they first met, and that her husband was a lazy dick too. “We are negotiating something specific to our nations. That is the Earth Kingdom and the Fire Nation. What we are discussing and what we are trying to repair is close to us and there is no reason for someone from the Water Tribe to be advising us on what we should do when he has no idea what it’s like to be on either side of this.”</p><p>“No idea what it’s like?” Zuko inhaled sharply, glaring at the person who’d spoken. “Sokka has been through hell and back for our nations. He’s traveled the entire world with the Avatar and met people and done things you could never even imagine. He has known pain and suffering so much worse than you’ve ever know and if you think the Water Tribe hasn’t been through the same things you have just because the Fire Nation didn’t colonize there— look. Sokka is <em>literally </em>the only reason your entire kingdom wasn’t reduced to ash. He is the reason that you were not the victims of genocide and regardless of whatever you <em>think </em>you know, he damn well deserves some respect.”</p><p>“He does not <em>deserve </em>anything.” It was one of his advisors who spoke, looking slightly afraid to be standing up to Zuko. His voice was low as he spoke, as if he were trying to keep as few people from hearing as he could. “Fire Lord Zuko, excuse me for speaking out of turn, but your outburst right here is entirely unprofessional. These people are our guests, and this is no way to speak to them. Your father may have been a bastard but even he knew—”</p><p>Zuko didn’t even flinch. “Get out. You’re not welcome here anymore.”</p><p>“But sir—”</p><p>“<em>Now</em>. And if there’s anyone else here who thinks Sokka shouldn’t be in our meeting or I—the fucking <em>Fire Lord</em>—shouldn’t be allowed to speak my mind, then you can get right up and go with him.”</p><p>“Zuko, stop. Please.” Sokka’s voice was quiet as he leaned forward, giving Zuko a look which was almost desperate. He glanced over to the other politicians who were staring their direction; one hand tapping against his leg repeatedly and the other near his chin as he finally ceased chewing on his nail. “It’s fine. If they don’t want me here, I’ll go. Do not jeopardize everything for me. There are people suffering out there because of this and it needs to be fixed. Just leave it alone. <em>Please</em>.”</p><p>He didn’t know what to say. Zuko shook his head, not wanting to take their bullshit, but that must’ve been the wrong response because Sokka shoved his chair back suddenly and gave him an unreadable, at least mildly upset look as he turned to head out of the room. Instantly, Azula looked to Zuko, silently urging him not to do anything else stupid, but Zuko couldn’t listen. He bit down hard on his lip, his heart pounding in his ears as the sick feeling in his stomach started to swell again. He shouldn’t have said anything. If he just kept his damn mouth shut, no one would’ve freaked out and they could’ve kept going with Sokka at his side. But he couldn’t have just <em>not </em>said anything. They were harassing Sokka, treating him like he wasn’t meant to be a part of this when he was more involved than anyone aside from Zuko himself. If only due to the overwhelming pressure from everyone staring at him, Zuko stepped back and fled from the room, ignoring Azula when she called after him.</p><p>Exiting the room in such a rush probably wasn’t a great idea because he stepped out and immediately realized he had no idea where he was going. He was standing in the middle of the empty corridor, people pissed behind him and people who would be confused to see him ahead, and he didn’t know where Sokka went. Knowing that the first thing he needed to do was find him, Zuko started walking, hoping that Sokka would be somewhere obvious. He wasn’t anywhere Zuko checked, but halfway to Sokka’s room, he stopped, having seen someone out of the corner of his eye. Zuko turned to the right, glancing out the ajar, see-through doors beside him. Sokka was standing on one of the balconies, leaning over the railing. Frowning, Zuko walked over, not getting too close so as not to scare him when he was literally standing on the edge.</p><p>“Sokka?” It took a little too long for Sokka to respond, and when he did, it was only in the form of gripping harder to the railing in front of him and letting out a deep, shuddering breath. Slightly panicked, Zuko stepped closer to him, placing a hand on one of Sokka’s to pry his fingers away from the shiny surface. After a moment, he moved the hand to his shoulder, gently forcing him to turn so they were facing each other. “Oh, <em>shit</em>, Sokka, are you all right?”</p><p>His face was fallen, his eyes wide with what looked like fear. His entire body shook, his chest rising and falling heavily as he failed to respond by doing more than moving his eyes. Zuko placed a hand on either of Sokka’s shoulders, sliding down the rails with him until they were sitting on the floor; waiting for Sokka to take another deep breath before he did anything. During this moment, he felt a slight wave of panic wash over him. He didn’t know what to do. Sokka had comforted him <em>so many times </em>over the past few weeks and he didn’t know what to give him the comfort back. All those times, and he still had no idea how to help. Zuko swallowed hard, hoping that whatever he ended up doing would work, but didn’t get a chance to try before Sokka suddenly spoke, his hands shaking between his knees which pressed against his chest.</p><p>“I don’t know—” Sokka’s voice was shaking as badly as his hands, his eyes staring at the ground in front of his feet. “I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t— I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”</p><p>Zuko wrapped an arm around Sokka’s trembling shoulders. It either helped or made it worse, Zuko wasn’t sure. When he spoke, Sokka had closed his eyes; his head hanging toward the ground. He stayed like that for several seconds before he suddenly slid a little closer to Zuko, who pulled him in to let him know it was okay. That was what he was supposed to do, right? That was what Sokka did for him. He held his hand and gave him hugs and even kissed his temple after he came out and those things all made Zuko feel better in his time of need, so he hoped beyond anything that he was doing at least <em>something </em>for Sokka too. He took a deep breath to steady himself before he spoke, doing his best to say what he thought Sokka needed.</p><p>“It’s okay, you’re all right.” Zuko gave his shoulder a rub, keeping them close together. “It’s just an anxiety attack. You have to breathe through it. I’d say to breathe with me, but my breathing is kind of fucked up too, so…”</p><p>“Mm.” Sokka nodded, still not opening his eyes. His voice cracked when he spoke again. “My chest hurts.”</p><p>“It’s because you’re not breathing. I get that too. You just have to breathe, and it’ll go away. Just breathe. It’s okay. You’re okay.”</p><p>“I don’t feel okay.”</p><p>Zuko’s heart dropped into his stomach. He knew that something was wrong, but it was the first time Sokka truly confessed it to him. Terrified for his friend and still reeling from what he’d done in the meeting room, Zuko wrapped his other arm around Sokka—who again failed to react, his eyes still closed and hands shaking in his knees—and pressed his forehead to the other boy’s shoulder. Honestly, he didn’t know if they were going to be okay, but he really, really hoped that they would.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Chapter Thirty-Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His chest hurt.</p><p>There were a lot of thoughts running through Sokka’s mind as he sat there on the balcony, Zuko’s arms around him and his head pressed against his shoulder, but the one constant was that his chest was <em>burning</em>. Logically, he knew that Zuko was right when he said that it was happening because he wasn’t breathing—and based on experience with the nightmares, that made sense too—but actively, he couldn’t get his lungs to do what they were supposed to. It was as if his entire body had locked up and all he could do was sit there and shake and wait for the awful moment to pass. He closed his eyes to make it less awful and the comforting touch from Zuko helped too but it wasn’t enough to kick his organs back into action and he stayed frozen for far too long. He felt bad too, because he knew that Zuko was sick and he could feel that he was still shaking but because Sokka was so busy trying to get his own body back in order, there was nothing he could do to help.</p><p>He would be lying if he said he didn’t freak out a little when Zuko told him he was having an anxiety attack, but he’d also be lying to say that he hadn’t already figured that out himself. It was the same experience as when his dad, Katara, and Suki showed up and he freaked out, but somehow he was more aware, more pained than he was back then. It wasn’t as horrible as the panic attacks he sometimes had—because he did finally acknowledge them to be panic attacks, even if only for the moment—but it was worse than a simple bout of nerves. It was an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and pain and he didn’t even know where it was coming from. Yes, it started because everyone was treating him like shit and then Zuko stood up for him and pissed everyone off and the whole thing got way, <em>way </em>out of hand, but he was good under high pressure. He was <em>great </em>in high pressure situations and yet for some reason, this one broke him. The last one broke him. Was that all he was now? Broken?</p><p>“Sokka.” It took a second, but Sokka managed to turn to look at Zuko, who was still resting his head against Sokka’s shoulder. He didn’t look up, though he seemed to understand that Sokka was listening. “Are you all right? Does it still hurt?”</p><p>While his instinct told him to shake his head, to force out some words to reassure Zuko and tell him it was okay, he didn’t. Instead, he just nodded. Because even though his breathing was finally getting back to normal, he felt like his chest was collapsing and he could still feel the stinging in his lungs. He reached one hand around Zuko’s arm to bite down on his nail but didn’t get the chance. Zuko intercepted his hand, gripping it tightly. They were both shaking pretty badly but holding onto each other seemed to help. At least, it did on Sokka’s end. Admittedly, he wasn’t really comfortable being on this side of the situation—the side in which he was the one freaking out instead of the one trying to help—but he didn’t hate it. Zuko was awkward with his words and a bit clunky in his gestures, but Sokka appreciated the effort more than he could know. Even if it wasn’t all that helpful, the fact alone that such a beautiful boy was trying to make <em>him </em>feel better was enough to make him want to do it. He rested his head against Zuko’s, gripping onto his hand.</p><p>They stayed that way for longer than Sokka could keep track of. At some point, his breathing finally started to return to normal and his hands shook less, though Zuko’s didn’t seem to change. Sokka knew from the moment they found him that afternoon that something was wrong, but he didn’t know what it was, and he didn’t know how to handle it, so he didn’t. Instead, he just held Zuko’s hand, sighing deeply as they sat together in silence. They didn’t need to talk for it to be a good moment, or to make Sokka feel better. He didn’t know what was happening in Zuko’s mind, but he was starting to improve just from the comforting touch. Eventually, he took a long, drawn-out breath and lifted his head from Zuko’s, turning to look him in the eyes. Unfortunately, that was not <em>exactly </em>how it went, because when he looked over, he found that Zuko’s eyes were not staring back at him. In fact, they weren’t even open.</p><p>He fell asleep again.</p><p>Sokka didn’t know how to feel about the fact that that kept happening. He knew that Zuko was having trouble sleeping—or maintaining sleep or keeping an average schedule, he didn’t know exactly—but somehow, he was consistently making Zuko feel comfortable in a way that allowed him to fall asleep at even the most inopportune times. Sokka nearly woke him but decided not to after glancing down the balcony and seeing there was no one in the courtyard below them, nor passing through the corridor in front. He planted a soft kiss on Zuko’s head, right in front of his imperfect topknot, before sliding back down and resting his head against Zuko’s. For a moment, he did nothing, just breathing in and out as he relaxed, trying to push forward instead of dwelling on what was already done.</p><p>What they were doing was weird. Not comforting each other or being there for each other but doing those things in the way that they were. They kissed once, and that was Sokka’s problem. He was the one who initiated it and it was impulsive and stupid and it started the whole thing that got really out of hand. He also initiated the second kiss, which was when things got particularly odd because they agreed they weren’t going to do anything else. Sokka wasn’t comfortable coming out to anyone yet (which would definitely have to happen if they were a thing), and Zuko wasn’t even comfortable liking boys. So, they decided it was best not to do anything. Except they didn’t stop. They kept kissing, holding hands, standing too close for just friends—but that’s what they were. Just friends. Because they weren’t anything more than that. They couldn’t be. He still didn’t think Zuko was comfortable with his sexuality despite having confessed to believing he was gay, and the very <em>idea </em>of coming out to his dad sent Sokka into a panic. He wasn’t ready. Zuko wasn’t ready. <em>They weren’t ready</em>. So why couldn’t they stop?</p><p>For a while, Sokka thought it was just him. He usually initiated them holding hands to make Zuko feel better about his anxiety, and he was pretty sure he was the one who’d started the cuddling both times (he was definitely responsible that morning, but he was asleep and couldn’t remember what happened when Zuko was drunk). But then Zuko started doing things too. Sitting closer to him, asking to hold his hand, and regularly requesting that Sokka braid his hair. Not to mention how many times he’d called Sokka pretty when he was drunk and the fact that he even kissed him. Zuko wasn’t in his right mind when that happened and Sokka knew it, but everything else he said was a deep truth and he had a feeling that was too. Especially given that after their last kiss, Zuko actually came out. All things considered, Sokka and Zuko were, at that point, either friends with slight benefits or just literally together without putting a label on it.</p><p>Letting the thoughts drift through him, Sokka looked down to Zuko’s hand and smiled to himself as he looked at his fingers. They weren’t holding back anymore but they were still interlaced with Sokka’s, as Zuko breathed against his shoulder. Sokka slid his fingers around a little, playing with Zuko’s as he realized he was compensating for the urge to tap his hands on something. He liked this way better. Zuko’s hands were inky and callused but still soft and gentle in a way that made Sokka want to hold on to him forever. He kept glancing around them, worried someone would come by, but he didn’t want to let go. No one was around to see what they were doing. That Zuko was asleep on his shoulder when he was probably supposed to be tending to a thousand different duties. That Sokka was holding his hand and tickling his fingers because he was just so soft and so warm. That they kind of maybe really liked each other. At least, Sokka did.</p><p>“Hey.” He nudged Zuko gently, still playing with his fingers. Zuko whimpered and nestled further into his shoulder, gripping around Sokka’s hand lightly. Sokka sighed and used his free hand to drag a finger down Zuko’s cheek and jaw, trying to wake him up gently. As much as he would’ve liked it, they couldn’t just sit there forever, and they had to move before someone came by. “You got to wake up, Jerk Lord.”</p><p>“Mm.” Zuko exhaled deeply, not shifting from where he sat. “I don’t want to. Jutht want to thleep.”</p><p>“I know, but people are going to start wondering where you went.”</p><p>“I don’t care. They’re jutht a bunch of dickth. I don’t want to talk to thothe people again. They don’t lithten to me and they were athholeth to you and they said my father did good thingth but he didn’t. Fuck them. I’m done with it. I’m done. I’m not talking to them anymore.”</p><p>“You can’t just stop talking to them.” Sokka understood why he was saying that, why Zuko didn’t feel comfortable talking to them anymore and he had every reason to feel that way, but people were depending on him. He couldn’t just walk away from the colonies when they needed his help. Sokka slid his finger up and down Zuko’s jaw again, careful not to touch his scar. “They need you, Zuko. You have all these great ideas, and— Zuko? Zuko, wake up. <em>Zuko</em>.”</p><p>Somehow, in the few seconds that Sokka had been talking, Zuko managed to drift off again. Sokka again tried to wake him up without being too harsh, but it wasn’t as easy as it seemed. He slid his hand across Zuko’s face, whispering to him and nudging him, he just wouldn’t budge. Sokka sighed, resisting the urge to be harsher. He needed to get back to work, that was a fact, but being a jerk about it wasn’t going to make it any easier. Thankfully, Zuko opened his eyes again after a few more seconds of careful prodding, groaning as he shifted against Sokka’s shoulder.</p><p>“Are you all right?” he asked, his voice quiet. Sokka frowned, nodding quickly. He wasn’t the one who kept falling asleep. “We don’t have to go back inthide if you need more time. Anthiety attackth alwayth make me really tired.”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m tired too.” He slid his head back against Zuko’s, taking a deep breath. Sokka nearly opened his mouth to say something, to thank Zuko for being there for him when he was in a shit spot, but cut himself off mid-thought when he looked down to their hands and realized that, now he was awake, Zuko was shaking even worse. It wasn’t obvious, anxious shaking, just constant movement that caused him to worry. “Hey, what about you? You okay, Zuko? You’re shaking.”</p><p>“I’m okay. I’m tired. I— I forgot to eat lunch. And I thlept through breakfatht.”</p><p>Sokka felt a pang of concern in his chest, replacing some of the lingering anxieties. “When was the last time you ate?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Zuko’s fingers twitched around his, gripping around his palm tenderly. “I don’t remember. Maybe yethterday? I don’t know.”</p><p>And that was when it all clicked into place. Zuko wasn’t just sick, he was <em>malnourished</em>. The whole thing with the banquet fucked up their routine and he hadn’t been eating when he was supposed to. Since their awkward fight, Sokka had only eaten at most three meals with him, and it had been over a week since it happened. He didn’t like the thought that Zuko had been starving himself for so long. Sokka pushed a hand over his own face to make sure he wasn’t showing any signs that he’d had an anxiety attack, then slipped Zuko’s arm off from around his shoulder. Finally, Zuko pulled away, breathing deeply as he leaned back against the railing instead of Sokka. He stared out into the hall, biting down on his lip as his eyes started to drift shut again.</p><p>This time, Sokka didn’t allow it. He helped Zuko to his feet, sliding his arm back around his shoulder when he realized he was too out of it to walk. They only made it halfway to the dining hall before they ran into someone, but Sokka wasn’t bothered because it wasn’t anyone who’d be disturbed by their… closeness, just Mai. She frowned when she saw them, walking over to take Zuko’s other arm around her shoulders to take some of the weight off Sokka.</p><p>“What happened?” she asked, her tone flat.</p><p>“I think he’s malnourished,” Sokka told her, too exhausted to beat around the truth. “He said he can’t remember the last time he ate.”</p><p>“I’m fine,” mumbled Zuko, though he didn’t resist the support from either of them. His head was still hanging, his eyes halfway closed. “I jutht forgot. I wathn’t trying to hurt mythelf. It wath jutht— it wath an acthident.”</p><p>“I know. We’re not mad at you.” Mai pressed a hand to Zuko’s cheek comfortingly, her gaze lingering when he shook his head. “What? Why are you shaking your head?”</p><p>“Becauthe I know you’re lying. I know you’re mad at me becauthe I’m not— I’m not trying hard enough to be better.”</p><p>“No, we’re not. We are not mad at you, Zuko. Where are you getting that from?”</p><p>“That’th what my therapitht alwayth told me,” Zuko answered, his tone flat but his voice shaking ever so slightly. “He thaid that I don’t try hard enough and it’th pathetic. He thaid I wath pathetic.”</p><p>“No. You are not pathetic.” Mai spoke before Sokka had the chance to interject, leaving him clueless as to what they were talking about. Zuko had seen a therapist before? “That guy was an asshole. That’s what Azula was trying to tell you the other day.”</p><p>“He wathn’t, he wath jutht doing hith job.”</p><p>“Yeah, and his job was to fucking abuse you.” When Zuko failed to respond and Sokka lacked the information to voice his opinion, Mai sighed. “Okay, whatever. I’m going to make sure he eats something. Go take a break, Sokka. You look like shit.”</p><p>Sokka nearly argued, wanting to say that he needed to come and make sure Zuko was okay, but Mai was right. He was tired and emotionally spent and more than anything, he wanted to lie down. So, instead of fighting with Mai, he nodded and thanked her, giving Zuko’s shoulder a squeeze before he turned to head back down the other hallway to his room. He wanted to help. He loved helping other people and that was pretty much what his entire life had been built around up to that point. But it was taxing as anything and he knew that he needed to take time for himself too. Sokka took a deep breath as he rounded the corner into his room, pushing the door open with his eyes closed; entirely prepared to flop down and take a nice, long nap. But before he could, he stopped, realizing someone else was already sitting in his room near the window, looking at one of his scrolls.</p><p>When he first saw Suki sitting there, he felt like he should have been bothered that someone was going through his things, but he wasn’t. Suki didn’t mean anything by what she was doing, she was just looking at a scroll that was a terrible, half-asleep doodle he’d done of Team Avatar. She smiled when she looked up at him, her face twisting in concern upon seeing whatever it was that made Mai think he needed to take a break. Sokka reached up instinctively to touch the space beneath one of his eyes, glancing down when he realized that it was the same damn bags that made everyone push him away in the first place. He smiled at her anyway, hoping that Suki would think he at least felt better than he looked when in reality, he was tired as shit and felt like a failure for letting Zuko slip off his good routine when he <em>knew </em>that the guy couldn’t be trusted to take care of himself on his own.</p><p>“Hey, are you all right, Sokka?” asked Suki, placing the drawing back onto the floor where she’d found it. “It looks like you’re dragging your leg.”</p><p>“No, yeah, I’m fine.” Sokka shrugged, all too aware of how his leg was moving as he walked over to his bed to sit down. He was expecting her question to be about his emotional state, and the comment on his leg threw him off. It didn’t even hurt, he’d taken enough painkillers that morning to be sure of that, but it didn’t change the way he walked. “Actually, I think— I think I kind of owe you an explanation on all of that. I know I didn’t talk about it much when I was explaining everything to you and Katara.”</p><p>“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I understand. I know it can’t be easy.”</p><p>He shook his head. “It’s fine, you should know. I should have said something back on Kyoshi Island. Actually, I should have said a lot of things back on Kyoshi Island. Look, Suki, I— I didn’t mean to run out on you the way I did. I don’t even know why I left like that. It all happened really fast and I know I’ve made a lot of bad decisions over the last several weeks and I’m trying to own up to that now. I shouldn’t have lied when I left. I’m really sorry I did that, and I’m really sorry that I scared you guys.”</p><p>“Thank you for the apology.” Suki stood up, walking over, and sitting beside him on the bed. “I’m not mad at you though. It’s okay, really. I was just worried about you. I know I didn’t say anything, but the whole time you were there with me, you were acting so strange, and I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me the truth. You know how much I care about you, Sokka. We all do.”</p><p>“I know.” Sokka took a deep breath. He didn’t know how much he wanted to tell Suki or how much she needed to know, but he felt like his exhaustion was coming from the crushing weight on his chest with everything he’d been hiding for the last few weeks, and all he wanted was to get rid of <em>something</em>. If there was one thing he knew about Suki, it’s that he could trust her. “I’ve… been dealing with some stuff, I guess. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it, but I want to tell you, Suki. If that’s okay? No one really knows most of this stuff and I don’t want you to feel like you’re keeping secrets if you don’t want to do that.”</p><p>“No, it’s all right. You can tell me anything, Sokka.”</p><p>“Okay. Well, it started with little stuff, back at the tribe. I was working myself really hard and I was happy, but I was so tired, and things got… strange? I don’t know. I’ve always had these weird things where I like, tap my fingers a lot and I have trouble focusing and it was getting worse. I was in this weird place where I couldn’t focus on <em>anything </em>or I could focus on one thing for <em>hours </em>and I couldn’t stop fidgeting and everyone kept pointing it out and I— I don’t know. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. That’s why I agreed to go on a vacation. I thought you might be able to help me work it out. Clearly I was wrong.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Suki nodded, staying silent for several seconds before she went on. “It’s not that I didn’t want to help you, Sokka, I just didn’t think it was something you needed to fix. It’s okay to fidget. It’s just a nervous habit. There’s nothing wrong with that.”</p><p>“I don’t think it’s a nervous habit though. I don’t just do it when I’m nervous, I do it <em>all the time</em>. But it’s fine. I get it. I’m trying to look past it now; it just gets in the way sometimes. Like my leg. Which I also owe you an explanation for.” She nearly said something about how he didn’t owe her anything, but he went on before she could get it out. “I don’t know if you remember, but the leg that’s bothering me is the same one I broke when we were taking down the war blimps. I stopped putting weight on it for a while after it healed just because it hurt, and it was getting better, and then when I tried to do it again I— I saw something. I saw it happen. I saw myself breaking my leg and trying to save Toph and that’s what happened when I freaked out in the training room. I don’t know what it is or why it happens, and I <em>hate </em>it.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s kind of what I thought it was. I didn’t know if I should say anything, but that’s what I was trying to tell you when you said you didn’t need help. Other people struggle with the same thing after something traumatic and I think if you talk to someone, it could really help. I won’t pressure you to do it, but I want you to know that it’s an option if you need to.”</p><p>“Thanks, Suki. I don’t think I’m going to get it right now. I’m okay, I think, it’s just been a weird couple of weeks, and there’s actually… there’s kind of been something else on my mind too. Something new. Well, not new. Kind of new. Half of it is new. Sorry, I’ve never told anyone about this before. Mostly. I told one person, but that was only because he asked, and it was impulsive, and I was in a weird place when I—”</p><p>“Sokka.”</p><p>“You remember when you broke up with me and then you said it was because you had a girlfriend?” Sokka winced. Nope, definitely not the right angle to approach the situation from. Thankfully, Suki didn’t seem bothered. “Er, you said that you felt like we drifted apart and <em>then </em>you said that you had a girlfriend?”</p><p>“Yes, of course.” She nodded, her brow furrowed in confusion. “You said something really nice but really strange after I came out to you. It was definitely memorable. I made that comment about how it sounded like it was rehearsed. Which is okay! If you’re trying to tell me you’re worried you came off the wrong way and that’s why you lied about why you left, it’s—”</p><p>“No, actually, I’m trying to tell you something totally different. Sorry. I lied because I was worried you would think I was mad at you, but I wasn’t. It wasn’t anything to do with you liking girls, I promise. It couldn’t be because that would be really hypocritical.”</p><p>“I get what you’re saying, but it’s not hypocritical. It’s not the same for us to like girls. People see it really differently.”</p><p>“Okay, but see, you don’t actually get what I’m saying because I’m trying to tell you that it would be hypocritical because I like boys.” Sokka looked away quickly and didn’t see what Suki’s reaction was when he said it. He swallowed hard before he went on, suddenly feeling the pressure of coming out crushing him beneath its weight. “I mean, I’m not— I’m bisexual too. And I wanted to say something when you came out to me but I never told anyone before and I kind of freaked out because in the Water Tribe, it’s really not okay for boys to like other boys like that and I know they say it is but it’s <em>not</em> because everyone just gets so <em>weird</em> about it and I didn’t know how to—”</p><p>“Sokka, it’s okay.” She placed a hand on his knee reassuringly, and he finally looked back up. Of course, she was smiling. Why wouldn’t she be smiling? She was bisexual too. He let out a sigh of relief. “Honestly, I always kind of got that vibe from you but I didn’t want to say anything because I hate when people make assumptions like that. I’m really glad you told me, though. Did you say you only told one other person? I hope it went okay. You seem really nervous right now.”</p><p>“It wasn’t bad, exactly. Could’ve gone better for my first time. It was a really uncomfortable situation, though, so I don’t blame him. It was really impulsive, like I said. I kind of dumped it on him out of nowhere and he was really thrown, and it was actually pretty bad timing. I think— I think he was okay with it from the start? He just didn’t really know what to say, so he did his best, but it was pretty awkward. Kind of like what I did with you. I guess that’s just what it’s like, huh?”</p><p>“Depends. I’ve had mixed reactions. Nothing bad yet, but some a whole lot less awkward than others. Believe me, it’s an experience every time.” Suki nudged Sokka’s shoulder jokingly, and he smiled. Why hadn’t he said anything to her sooner? She was so great about everything. Maybe she was the one he could really open up to about everything. “Sokka? Are you okay?”</p><p>“I’m really scared that my family’s not going to be okay with it,” he admitted, his gaze drifting back down to his feet. He sounded stupid. So, so stupid, but it was true. “I mean, I know they love me, but people in the Water Tribe, they just— they get so <em>weird</em>. I’m just— I know how stupid it sounds, but I’m terrified that I’m going to tell them and then they’re not ever going to treat me the same again.”</p><p>“That’s not stupid.” The sniff that accompanied his nod was. “I know how scary it is, believe me. I’ve been there too. But your family loves you <em>so much</em>. They’re not going to go anywhere because of this, okay? I promise.”</p><p>“Yeah, thanks, Suki. I just… I don’t know. I’ve never really considered coming out before since I’ve only ever had girlfriends but ever since you did, I just haven’t stopped thinking about it. What they’ll say and think and… yeah. It’s just weird for me to think about after so long of never even considering it, I guess.”</p><p>“How long have you known for? If you’re okay telling me that.”</p><p>“Honestly? Pretty much forever.” Sokka shrugged, his gaze shifting around the floor as memories of growing up with those feelings came flooding back to him. Neither of them commented on his increasing fidgeting, and he was grateful for that. “I don’t know that there was a specific moment I knew or anything, I just… when I was growing up, I remember everyone talking about how I’d have a wife someday and it was like that wasn’t just expectation, it was <em>fact</em>. And I just remember thinking, ‘Why couldn’t I have a husband?’”</p><p>“I know what you mean. It’s widely accepted on Kyoshi Island, but I was always scared knowing how it’s treated in most of the Earth Kingdom. I realized I liked girls when I met one of the other Kyoshi Warriors. We were only nine or ten at the time, but I just remember thinking she was so pretty. You really never liked a boy or anything? You just knew?”</p><p>“Yeah, I mean, I guess I’ve always found men attractive, but I was never really <em>into </em>a guy until—”</p><p>Sokka cut himself off quickly. He was not intending to say that. There was no reality in which he was intending to say that. It wasn’t his business to share. Well, it was, kind of, but it was Zuko’s too and he didn’t want to tell anyone that he was into boys if he wasn’t comfortable with them knowing. And given the fact he continuously flip-flopped on whether <em>he </em>was comfortable with it, there was no chance he was ready to come out to anyone yet. So, instead of trying to backtrack, Sokka just shut up. He just shut his mouth and hoped that Suki missed the last word because he didn’t know if <em>he </em>was even ready to talk about that yet.”</p><p>“Until what?” Suki was smiling slightly, looking to Sokka as if she were trying to read his thoughts. She sighed softly when he failed to respond, hesitating before she said anything else. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me about it, but I’ll listen if you do. I know you probably don’t have anyone else you can talk about this with so if you want to say anything, you can. Or if you don’t, that’s okay too.”</p><p>“No, I want to tell you about it.” Surprisingly enough, it was true. The more he thought about it, the more he <em>did </em>want to say something, but he didn’t think he could. Not entirely, at least. “There is someone. A guy. The first guy, really. But he’s, uh, he’s got a <em>lot </em>of issues with liking guys? Not me! He’s not— He’s not homophobic, just… internally. He has a lot of internalized homophobia and I don’t think I should say anything about it because I don’t think he wants anyone to know and I don’t want to tell anyone. Sorry. I know you’d keep it secret, it’s just that I don’t feel right about it. I don’t think he’s ready.”</p><p>“That’s okay. But you like him a lot?” Sokka wasn’t quite sure how to respond, but the smile that appeared on his lips spoke for him. Suki nudged him again. “Come on, tell me about him. You don’t have to say who it is.”</p><p>“Suki—” He almost refused, before realizing that he’d learned a lot of things about Zuko that most people would never expect. Things that might even throw Suki off the trail that it was him. So, instead of refusing, he just nodded. “He’s really cute. I mean, he’s hot, don’t get me wrong, but he’s <em>cute</em>. His smile is so sweet. And he’s really affectionate and he holds my hand all the time. He <em>loves </em>cuddling too, he’s fallen asleep on me a few times and we’re not even together or anything, but… he told me I make him feel <em>safe</em> and that means so much to me. He’s just such a great person and he doesn’t really know it and I don’t even know how we got close in the first place, but I like him a lot, Suki. I really, really do. I know nothing is going to happen, or nothing long term because I’m not even ready to come out to anyone else and I know he isn’t either, but I just like him so much. So,<em> so </em>much.”</p><p>“I’m really happy for you, Sokka.” Suki smiled softly, reaching her arms around his shoulders, and pulling him into an embrace. He let out a sigh and hugged her back, glad that everything was good between them after everything that happened. “And I know you said you’re fine but if you ever need to talk about the stuff you’re struggling with, I will be there, okay? I’m not sure how long I’ll stay in the Fire Nation or when you’re going home either but any time you want to come see me, you can.”</p><p>“Thank you, Suki. Really. I’ve been having kind of a hard time with all of this and it… it means a lot.”</p><p>Suki only smiled in response, leaving Sokka with one last question that he didn’t even know who to ask. How did he get so lucky to have a best friend like her?</p>
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<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Chapter Thirty-Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Though he knew that his sleepy confession was really important for his well-being, Zuko regretted nothing more than telling Sokka that he hadn’t eaten hardly anything in a week. He was still pretty out of it when he sat with Mai to eat lunch and when she made him take a nap, and he managed to convince everyone that he didn’t need to see his physician, but meals after that were <em>torture</em>. People were on top of him to make sure he showed up—no, it didn’t matter if he was working on important shit, they dragged him to the dining room with the brush still in his hand—and then they stared at him and prodded him for the entire meal to make sure he was actually eating and not just poking around his plate even though he didn’t fucking want food.</p><p>It wasn’t just Mai and Sokka who were doing it to him either. Everyone else must have found out somehow because they were all coddling him in their own way and he fucking hated it. Mai actually wasn’t that bad, as she mostly just reminded him that he needed to eat and wasn’t too pushy about it. Toph wasn’t bad either, though she kept punching him a lot and even hugged him a few times, which made him think she was really worried. Aang seemed concerned too but he didn’t talk about it much, just telling Zuko about how fantastic the food was whenever he became reluctant to eat it. Suki often joined in, sometimes reminding Zuko that it was okay to eat as if he didn’t already know that himself. Ty Lee kept asking if he was feeling okay and if he needed her for anything, which he didn’t. Azula pretended she didn’t give a shit but got angry every time Zuko tried to refuse a meal and personally dragged him to the dining room herself a few times, which he knew meant she cared in her own way.</p><p>Of course, it was the three from the Water Tribe who were the most concerned about making sure he didn’t starve. Hakoda didn’t actively try to get Zuko to eat, likely recognizing that his friends were already doing that for him, but kept checking up on him and asking questions that were clearly alluding to, “You haven’t started starving yourself again, have you? Because your friends love you a lot and we don’t want to see you hurt.” It was all bullshit. So was Katara’s. She was on top of him like nobody’s business, acting like she was his mother or something as she checked and double-checked that he ate something whenever she saw him. He just nodded along, only having snapped at her once or twice. He knew she was just trying to be nice.</p><p>Then there was Sokka, who never actively pressured him to eat but frequently asked whether he was okay and brought him snacks and tea while he was working. Zuko never snapped at him, because somehow, Sokka always found the perfect times to ask (and generally ate half the snacks he brought anyway). The times when he <em>wasn’t </em>okay. The times when he wanted the company and the reassurance more than anything. The times when he really, desperately needed a reminder that it was okay to be sad and stressed because he was under a lot of pressure and he fucked up the whole thing with the colonies. Because he <em>did </em>fuck up the entire plan with the colonies. His little outburst was one thing too many and apparently, the Earth Kingdom didn’t want to work with him anymore.</p><p>Zuko shot back when he first heard the news, saying that they <em>couldn’t </em>do anything without him because the colonies were full of his people and they couldn’t fix that without him, but apparently they could and were planning to. Which meant that Zuko was absolutely desperate for a way to get them back because if they took matters into their own hands, he was fucked. Not just him, but his people. Everyone who was in the colonies was going to be uprooted in a very awful and disturbing matter because the vibe he got from the Earth Kingdom reps was that they couldn’t give two shits about the Fire Nation and didn’t care if they were fucking over theur people in the process. Zuko also swore a <em>lot </em>when he found out what was happening but that wasn’t much of a surprise. He was pretty much fucked and if he wanted to shout about the fact that he was fucked, he was going to do that.</p><p>He had a bit of a breakdown after he found out just how badly he’d fucked up. No one was around, he waited until they were gone, but it was bad. He couldn’t breathe, he sobbed for what felt like an hour, he was shaking so terribly he didn’t manage to sleep, and he threw up at least twice because his stomach was churning so horribly from the fact that he possibly fucked over several <em>thousand </em>of his people. Zuko didn’t know how he got through it but when he finally relaxed enough to think again, his arms were burned to shit and his lip was bleeding badly, so he guessed whatever happened when he was panicking was not exactly the greatest way he could’ve dealt with it. Either way, no one saw, and he’d already become accustomed to his life in long sleeves, so it didn’t matter much. It was really awful while it was happening and he felt like the world was closing in around him and he thought it might be better to jump out his window and die rather than face the horrible things he’d caused, but after a good long hour of sobbing and throwing up, he felt like he was ready to tackle the world.</p><p>People didn’t see it the same way.</p><p>Word spread quickly that he’d fucked up the negotiations—he blamed it on the advisor he fired, though he couldn’t track the asshole down to find out whether it was actually him or not—and suddenly, everyone was staring at him no matter where he went. Servants gave him the side-eye, politicians canceled meetings with him, and he wouldn’t <em>dare </em>go out in public for fear of being ridiculed. Sokka tried his best to help Zuko feel better about the whole thing, constantly coming to him with plans to help but it wasn’t enough. The week following his outburst was the longest week of his life and all he wanted was for his life to stop. He was done. He was a fucking failure, and he couldn’t keep trying and fucking up. The nation was crumbling under his attempts to be better and nothing he did made any difference. He couldn’t do it. He tried but it wasn’t working and he didn’t know whether Azula would be any better on the throne but at least she knew how to talk to politicians without them fucking hating her because she kept her damn mouth shut when she needed to.</p><p>Zuko shot his head up quickly when he awoke, whipping his head around as he tried to figure out where he was and what was happening. His face felt sticky, so he placed a hand to it, only to find that there was a swirl of ink on his cheek and his arms. Great. He’d fallen asleep at his desk <em>again</em>. It was pretty much just a constant at that point because he never slept when he was supposed to and he was always trying to find a way to get everything to work but it was too much and there were too many people at the palace and he didn’t even know why the hell they were there. All of his friends. All of Azula’s friends. Even his Uncle Iroh was probably on his way thanks to all the rumors circulating about what happened with the negotiations. Everyone was just around all the fucking time and he couldn’t handle it. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He didn’t know how the fuck to fix the nation and he didn’t know how the fuck to fix himself and everything was falling apart all because he didn’t know how to keep his stupid mouth shut. Exhausted and sick of everything, Zuko went to stand up, to try and get an hour of sleep before he started work again, only to find a sight so revolting he almost threw up.</p><p>There was blood dripping down his arm, pooling in a puddle on the table.</p><p>It didn’t take long for him to realize that, while unconscious, he’d slid right onto his letter opener and was apparently so out of it that the splitting of his skin still didn’t wake him up. Though he thought he was finally back in a stable mind, that was one thing too many. He took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm, but he dropped his head onto the table instead, his eyes watering as he touched two fingers to the cut. It wasn’t deep but it was long, and it was bleeding <em>badly</em>. Zuko breathed in and out deeply for several long seconds before he finally stood up, planning to sneak out to the physician’s room for some cloths and bandages, but ended up having to make a detour because he was dizzy as shit and had to throw up all the food he’d been forced to eat the last few days. He didn’t know what was going to happen after his meetings later, but he didn’t want to eat anymore. Every time he ate, this happened. Every time he ate, he got anxious and sick and he was tired of it. He didn’t need the food anymore. He didn’t want the pain anymore.</p><p>By the time he came out of the restroom, Zuko was struggling to breathe; a towel wrapped around his right arm and his left hand holding it as he trudged down the hallway. It hurt. The more he became aware of it, the more he woke up, the more he realized his entire arm was still stinging from where he’d burned himself during his breakdown and on top of that, he had a massive, bleeding cut to deal with because he was so pathetic he’d fallen asleep right on his desk. No wonder the Earth Kingdom didn’t want to work with him anymore. He was terrible at interacting with other people, he had no chill when it came to his tongue, and he was all over the place mentally and therefore couldn’t be trusted to make big decisions like he was meant to. He just wasn’t capable of leading a nation. He wasn’t. His father was right—Zuko was a disappointment and a failure from the day he was born, and he was going to be that until the day he died.</p><p>“Zuko.” He didn’t want to talk to <em>anyone </em>at that moment but if he had to choose someone, he’d have said Sokka. But the person who spoke wasn’t him, it was his dad, a look of genuine concern on his face. It didn’t make sense to Zuko. Dads weren’t supposed to care about their own children, let alone other people’s. He began to walk away but stopped when Hakoda spoke again. “Zuko, are you all right? It’s not even morning.”</p><p>He didn’t so much as open his mouth. Zuko stood there, frozen in the hallway for a few seconds before he finally turned around to show Hakoda his face which he knew was covered in a mix of sweat and tears. His arm was obviously bleeding, and he couldn’t stop holding onto the towel, but he hoped that the man wouldn’t get the wrong impression. Zuko bit down on his lip but pulled away when he tasted dried blood, halfway ready to vomit again. Hakoda looked like he wanted to say something else, stopping when Zuko sniffed and turned to leave again. He couldn’t deal with that. He was exhausted, sad, and he just wanted a fucking nap but he had to go take care of his arm first so he didn’t bleed out in his sleep because he was already so fucking stupid that he fell asleep on a <em>blade</em>. Regardless of those wishes, he only managed to take one step before Hakoda appeared again, this time in front of him, and pulled him into an embrace.</p><p>It was stupid. It was so, so stupid. He barely even knew Hakoda, he’d been nothing but rude and irritable to the man for the whole week, and yet, when he felt the strong arms wrap around him, he broke. Zuko thought he could be strong, that he’d gotten through everything after his big fuck up and he wouldn’t have any more panic attacks but then he realized that wasn’t even what it was. It was just exhaustion catching up to him as he sobbed into Hakoda’s arms, barely able to breathe as the man gently rubbed his back. Something in the back of Zuko’s mind thought that Hakoda would be mad at him for being weak, but he hiccuped, sniffed, even choked on his own damn sobs, and the guy didn’t say a word; only pulling his small, shaking figure in closer.</p><p>“It wath an acthident,” Zuko choked out, an awful wheezing sound escaping his lips between words. “I fell athleep at my dethk and I hit my arm. It wathn’t on purpothe. I didn’t do it on purpothe.”</p><p>“Okay. That’s okay. I believe you.” His voice was soft and comforting, but it wasn’t enough to completely calm Zuko down. “Just take a deep breath for me, okay? You’re okay.”</p><p>He nodded, but the words didn’t really register in his mind and all he could think about was the fact that he was pathetic. The Fire Lord was sobbing into the arms of another person’s dad because he was too weak to deal with his shit on his own. Before he could say or do anything else, Hakoda slid his arms away when another voice entered the picture and Zuko was handed off to someone else. Hakoda kept an arm around Zuko’s shoulders when Sokka took hold of his hand—holding onto him outside the towel, pressing it against his arm—and they walked him down the hall. He felt stupid for needing to be babysat but the truth was he was dizzy as anything and he didn’t know if he <em>could </em>stand on his own anymore. Plus, it was the wrong thing to be thinking about, but Sokka wasn’t wearing a shirt and his gorgeous brown skin was really soft and really warm as he stood at Zuko’s side.</p><p>Shin wasn’t in her office, of course, but Zuko didn’t care. He didn’t want to see her anyway and almost screamed when Hakoda suggested they find her, so it was settled that they wouldn’t. Both Sokka and his dad had seen enough wounds in their days that they knew a little cut from a letter opener wouldn’t be much to deal with, and it wasn’t. But they both paused for a long time when they first saw beneath the towel and Zuko was too out of it to realize why. He said nothing as Hakoda cleaned and bandaged his cut, while Sokka kept an arm around him, Zuko hunched over and trying not to sob into his chest. He didn’t even know why he was upset anymore. He just knew he was fucking exhausted and done and he couldn’t go back to bed because he needed to keep working on his papers but he hadn’t slept more than an hour in what must’ve been a week at that point and he was so tired and sad and he just wanted everything to <em>stop</em>.</p><p>He tried to thank Sokka and his dad after they finished and walked him back to his room, but the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth. Hakoda seemed to understand, however, and gave him another hug and the promise that Zuko could come to him if he needed anything—for help, to talk, or just to have company—and Zuko only nodded because he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to respond to people being nice to him and he was grateful, he really was, but he was tired and sick and so utterly <em>pissed </em>at himself that he couldn’t even try to formulate a response. So, he let Sokka do the talking instead as he said goodnight to his dad after saying he was going to hang out in Zuko’s room with him for a while. He left out the part where he actually forced Zuko to get into bed, against his wishes to get back to work, and then pulled him tight into his arms. Zuko almost tried to fight him, to get back to work because he needed to do stuff, but Sokka didn’t let him. His arms were too warm, too inviting, and Zuko found himself caught in his grasp as he pressed his head between Sokka’s chest and shoulder.</p><p>It took him a while to fall asleep after everything that happened but once he did, he was out for hours. He’d told himself he wouldn’t get more than a few minutes, that he needed to be awake again and get back to work because they needed to fix the shit with the colonies, but his body was exhausted and wouldn’t let him do what he wanted. Sokka didn’t either, his strong arms wrapped around Zuko for the entire night as they sank into the pillows and covered themselves with the blankets. Zuko didn’t know how asleep Sokka really was but he noticed a few times before he passed out himself that the guy kept reaching his thumb up to push away Zuko’s tears and it melted his heart in a way he thought he may never recover from. By the time he awoke, however, Sokka was most <em>definitely </em>asleep and clinging to his little spoon like he was going to lose him. Which was, of course, when Zuko—decently rested and no longer bleeding out—realized that bandaging his arm required <em>seeing </em>his arm which required seeing the burns he’d inflicted.</p><p>His heart pounded in his chest and he nearly tried to pull away, but decided it wasn’t worth it. Sokka already saw and his dad did too, so it would be impossible to try and hide it. All he could do was go with the same thing that happened with the letter opener and try to play it off as an accident. Since one really happened, there was a chance they would believe that two of them did, right? The only fear being that if it backfired, he could end up making them think he’d actually cut himself on purpose too and that wasn’t true. He wouldn’t do that; it was just an accident. All of it was just an accident. He was even pretty out of it when he burned himself, so he didn’t feel right blaming himself for that incident either. Yes, it was him and his bending that caused it, and yes, it was him and his bending who sobbed over it, but it happened when he was having a breakdown over possibly getting thousands of people killed and definitely getting thousands of people forcibly displaced so he felt like he deserved a little time to freak out. Except he didn’t because he was the Fire Lord, and the Fire Lord was supposed to be strong <em>all </em>the time.</p><p>Zuko slid out of Sokka’s grasp, gently placing his arm down onto the pillows as he did his best not to wake him up. Yes, Zuko might have been having a shitty night, but Sokka was dealing with a lot of stuff too and he needed his rest. Once he was sure that Sokka wasn’t waking up, Zuko crept over to his desk, grabbing the things he needed to work on before he flopped back into bed and dragged the blankets over his waist. He started to read over the things he’d written before, ended up crumbling every page and throwing them to the floor because half were smudged with ink and the other were dried with blood. Instead, Zuko started working on his newest attempt to reconcile things with the Earth Kingdom; doing his best to sound sane. He had to light a candle on the table beside him to see anything as the sun was barely starting to rise, though it wasn’t a big deal. It was a faint light, and he didn’t think it would be enough to wake Sokka though it was enough to help him see. Zuko began to write, but his cut hit the surface he was writing on and it ached, so he switched to his left, trying to ignore the fact that he was ignoring customs. No one was going to kill him for breaking tradition for one day.</p><p>It was only when he sun finally began to brighten the room when Sokka stirred, shifting around, and opening his eyes when he saw that Zuko was awake. Zuko tried to ignore it, knowing he was about to get told off for waking early, but Sokka was pretty much out of it and just mumbled something about him needing to go back to sleep. For a moment, Zuko thought that Sokka was going to try and push him to stop working, but instead he just snuggled up to Zuko’s side, dropped an arm around his stomach, and flopped his face back into the pillows.</p><p>There was no reality in which Zuko—or Sokka, for that matter—was comfortable with anyone coming in and seeing them in that position, but there was no one around and the touch was comforting so he let Sokka stay; playing with his hair when he twitched in his sleep. Zuko must have been too out of it to notice earlier, but Sokka’s hair was down and fell all over his face in a way that was sloppy but somehow made him look even prettier (a word which Zuko was tired of using because it was stupid but <em>damn</em>, Sokka was pretty). He knew nothing could ever happen between them, not for real, but looking down at his beautiful brown hair and skin and his adorable, sleeping face, Zuko really wished that it could.</p><p>Of course, he also really wished that the Earth Kingdom would work with him again, but that wasn’t likely either.</p><p>There was so much stuff that Zuko had to apologize for in his letter that he had to start over twice after realizing he’d forgotten something important again. He didn’t honestly feel like he should be apologizing for half of it, but he knew what they were angry at him for and he knew that the people were more important than him. The bullshit he’d been putting up with was just what it was to be a politician and a public figure, and he needed to accept that. It didn’t matter if he was unhappy or uncomfortable because the people were okay and that was what counted. That was what was important, not one stupid person who was already traumatized from a thousand things in his past and was unlikely to ever recover even if he <em>did </em>try. So, he decided it wasn’t worth the time and finished his letter, hoping to present it to his remaining advisors that afternoon so they could check it out to see if it was good enough to send out to the Earth Kingdom. Before he could even think about the first step to doing that, however, Sokka stirred again; nuzzling deeper into Zuko’s side.</p><p>“Morning,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by the pillows. “Did you sleep?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Zuko nodded, turning to look where Sokka was lying against his waist, his eyes still closed. “Sorry I woke you up last night. Your dad too. I was trying to be quiet. Guess it didn’t work out so well.”</p><p>“Not really. It was the wheezing that got me up. It’s okay, though. You should have just come to get one of us. You know we want to help.”</p><p>“No, it’s fine. I don’t know why you’re still hanging around here, any of you. It’s fine if you want to go home. You don’t have to stick around here. Aang seems to be the only one who knows that. Have you gone with him anywhere, yet? You should get out of here. Believe me, I know how awful it is to be stuck in the palace all the time.”</p><p>What he was referring to was, obviously, that Aang hadn’t actually been staying at the palace, just coming and going every few days. He had a lot of things to deal with, and Katara, Toph, and even Suki had gone with him to various places for a day or more at a time. Hakoda had also gone with him to head back into the Southern Water Tribe at some point but returned which Zuko was not expecting. He felt it had something to do with the fact that Sokka seemed reluctant to go home and hadn’t even taken up Aang on his offer to leave the Fire Nation yet. Zuko was genuinely shocked by that. He’d have given anything to accept Aang’s offer and go with him to the Earth Kingdom (feat. a detour to Ba Sing Se), but he couldn’t. There was too much for him to deal with and leaving the palace at that time simply wasn’t an option—no matter how much he wished it could be. Sokka, on the other hand, was also stressed as shit and deserved to take a break somewhere he could truly relax. If he wasn’t going to do that on his own, Zuko wanted nudge him in the right direction.</p><p>“Nah, I’m all right.” Sokka shook his head. His arm shifting slightly on Zuko’s stomach but not pulling away. “I’ve been working on adjusting the plans for the colonies, I think I might be able to win the Earth Kingdom guys back over. I don’t want to leave in the middle of this, there’s too much at stake right now.”</p><p>“I know, but that’s my problem. <em>I’m </em>the Fire Lord, Sokka. You shouldn’t have to worry about all this stuff when you’re dealing with your own shit. Are you all right, by the way? You were shaking a lot in your sleep.”</p><p>He hesitated. “Yeah, I’m fine, I just get really cold sometimes. It was probably that.”</p><p>“Oh, okay.” It didn’t make sense considering where he grew up and where he was currently at, but Zuko didn’t want to push him too quickly. He dragged a finger across Sokka’s arm, tracing along the faint lines he couldn’t remember noticing before. “Are those from the war?”</p><p>“What?” Sokka lurched, sliding away into a seated position. He stared down at his arms for several long seconds, before shoving his hair out of his face before wrapping hands around his stomach. The scars wrapped around both his arms up to his shoulders, but the ones below his elbow looked almost uniform. Zuko didn’t point that out. He didn’t know what his friends went through before he joined them. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, that’s just war stuff. I guess. I usually try to cover them up.”</p><p>“You don’t have to do that. I’m sure everyone would understand.”</p><p>“Maybe.” He slid back into Zuko’s side; his arms still pulled in close as he peered over the Fire Lord’s shoulder. “What are you working on?”</p><p>“Actually, the thing with the Earth Kingdom. I really need to figure out what I’m going to do.” Zuko sighed, shoving his hand through his hair, and wincing when he stretched his cut. He knew Sokka was dodging the subject for some reason, but he didn’t know <em>why</em>, so he wasn’t sure how to coax him out of it. “I don’t regret telling them off, but I went about it all wrong. I shouldn’t have shouted. It was stupid and they’re all pissed and for good reason. I’d be pissed at myself too. I thought I was done with my stupid temper but clearly I was wrong.”</p><p>“You’re never going to get rid of your temper, Zuko, and you don’t have to. It’s just a part of who you are. Maybe you could control it a little more, but you’re already a thousand times better than how you were when we met. Or even when you joined Team Avatar. You used to be angry all the time and you’re not anymore.”</p><p>“No, now I’m just sad. It’s not much of an improvement.”</p><p>Sokka turned and pressed a kiss to the side of Zuko’s head, causing his entire face to flush bright pink. He dropped his head against Sokka’s shoulder, their hair falling in tangles on top of each other as Sokka interlaced their fingers. “You’re nineteen and you’re in charge of an entire nation, Zuko. You’re allowed to be sad. It’s not an easy job for anyone, let alone someone who’s gone through as much as you have. Don’t beat yourself up for being unhappy. No one expects you to be.”</p><p>“Yeah, they do.” Zuko sighed, reaching for his brush with his right hand. “I’m the <em>Fire Lord</em>, Sokka. I’m literally supposed to be the perfect person. That’s what I’ve been told my entire life. ‘You don’t smile enough, Zuko.’ ‘You’re not social enough, Zuko.’ ‘You’re not smart enough, Zuko.’ ‘You’re not talented enough, Zuko.’ ‘You don’t even know how to <em>talk</em>, Zuko.’ It wasn’t even just my father; it was everyone except my mother. I’m not good enough. I <em>know </em>I’m not good enough and that’s the hardest part because I don’t think I ever can be.”</p><p>“I… know what you mean.” He said nothing for a long several seconds, sliding away from Zuko as he sat up straighter, looking down to his hands. His gaze lingered on his scars a little too long. “I know it’s stupid, but I’ve always felt like I was less important because I’m not— well, I’m not a bender. All of you guys are kickass benders and I was just that guy who tagged along. And I know I have expansive weapons knowledge but it’s not the same thing and then when that was all over I went back to the tribe and I… you know, I’m really bad at public speaking and I wore myself out working too hard and I tried my best but my dad had to take over for me so many times, and… it sucks. A lot. I don’t know where I’m going with this. It was supposed to be uplifting, but honestly, I don’t really know how to put a positive spin on it. Sorry.”</p><p>“The positive spin is that you’re fucking incredible. Just because you’re not good at public speaking doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Your plans are absolutely phenomenal, regardless of how people take you at face value. And you should never, <em>ever </em>feel bad about not being a bender. You’re right, your weapons knowledge is insane and every time I see you fight I’m absolutely floored that someone your age is so skilled with those weapons. I’m not just saying that, Sokka. You’re amazing.”</p><p>Another long moment passed as Sokka stared at him, his eyes blinking repeatedly as he opened and closed his mouth. Finally, he wrapped his arms around Zuko’s neck, pulling him into one of the tightest embraces in the world. Zuko felt really awkward at first, but then he realized that Sokka wasn’t doing it for <em>him </em>that time, he was doing it for himself. Whether it was as a ‘thank you’ or for comfort, he didn’t know, he just went with it, reaching his arms around Sokka’s warm back and pulling him in close.</p><p>“Thank you,” Sokka mumbled, pressing his head against Zuko’s shoulder.</p>
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<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Chapter Thirty-Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After a certain point, the others came and went so much that Sokka wasn’t even sure who was there anymore. His friends—Aang, Toph, Katara, Suki, and even Ty Lee who tagged along with her—were going off for Avatar stuff all the time, accompanying Aang depending on who he invited or where he was going (he was happy to have anyone go with him anywhere, but he knew his friends well and specifically targeted them for different locations), and Sokka couldn’t keep up with who was around. Even his dad had an inconsistent pattern, as Sokka kept thinking that he’d gone back to the tribe only to find he was still around. Given that he’d literally run away from home and had multiple anxiety attacks in front of multiple people, Sokka couldn’t really blame him for wanting to stick around (especially after he refused to go home <em>several </em>times despite his homesickness because he didn’t feel right leaving yet), but still. It was weird that he and Zuko had unintentionally adjusted their friends and families’ lives in that way.</p><p>There were several times when Aang invited Sokka to go with him to places he thought he’d enjoy, but Sokka declined every time. He had too much to deal with concerning the Earth Kingdom and the colonies, despite Zuko all but begging him to take a break or just go home already. Sokka was the one who got himself involved in the plans in the first place and he was determined to see it through, no matter what. Of course, he wasn’t <em>only </em>working on the colonies, as his dad brought back a few things that Bato wanted his help with back at the tribe. He didn’t know whether it was to make him feel better or not, but he appreciated the busy work. It gave him more things to think about and for some reason, the more things he thought about, the easier it was to do. Sokka threw a few painkillers into his mouth; his left leg stretched out in front of him and his right pulled up to his body as he turned his gaze from the papers to his left to the scrolls to his right.</p><p>He was completely surrounded by papers, maps, plans, scrolls—everything he needed to work on the solutions to the colonies, four separate projects that were happening back at the tribe, two things he’d told Zuko he’d take a look at, and one book that he just thought was interesting. To anyone else, it would have been absolutely overwhelming, but not for Sokka. Somehow, he managed to jump between projects without a hitch; his mind thinking about everything at once and his hands turning to work on whatever he’d most recently had an idea for. He was mainly working on his important projects but sometimes turned to his pleasure works too, which was what he was doing when he heard the knock on the door. Sokka nearly stood up to answer it but stopped when he realized there were scrolls and brushes laid across his outstretched leg and a book balanced on the other one. He called out that it was okay to come inside instead.</p><p>“What the—?!” Katara stopped the second she walked into the room; her eyes wide as they scanned over the things strewn about Sokka’s floor. “You do know that this isn’t actually your room, right? It’s one thing to make a mess of your own igloo but this is Zuko’s palace. We’re going to leave any day now, and you’re giving his servants a serious clean-up job to do here.”</p><p>“No, they don’t have to clean this for me.” He didn’t look up when he spoke, still reading off a nearby page as he tapped one hand against his leg. He chose not to respond to her comment about leaving. He wasn’t ready to figure all that out yet. “Besides, it’s fine. I’m going to take care of all of this when I’m finished. It would be pretty pointless to spend my time working on all of it if I didn’t have any intentions of using it again. Hey, have you seen my map? I think I lost it when I was going over the plans for the tribe’s new watch tower.”</p><p>“Are you kidding? I can’t see anything in here, let alone one scroll. How are you even focusing with all of this around? Here.”</p><p>“Hey!” Sokka reached forward and swatted at her hand, glaring as he took back the things she tried to tidy. She sighed and crossed her arms, raising her eyebrow in a way that forced him to explain. “I’m working on that. I have a whole setup here, see? Look. This is my pleasure section, where I’ve got my drawing and my book; this is where I’m working on my plans for the colonies, so that’s the stuff Zuko did and this is mine; those are the things Dad brought me from Bato, so I have all four of them in a line there; and then I have all my writing utensils and reference materials over here, lined up on my leg. Oh, and I have my snacks section behind me, featuring chocolate, meat, tea, and— oh. Painkillers.”</p><p>Katara frowned when he said the last part. “Is that for your leg? That’s what the healer was talking about.”</p><p>“Yeah, sort of. I haven’t been taking them all the time. Mostly when it gets really bad, which happens after I move around a lot.” Or he took them whenever he felt like he needed an adrenaline boost and he’d gone through two and a half bottles in the time he was meant to have one. Not that it seemed to be bothering him in any way. He’d stop if it were. “It’s fine, though. I’ve been resting it, so—”</p><p>“Can I take a look at it? Not because I don’t trust you’re taking care of it; I just want to see if there’s anything I can do. Is there a specific spot on your leg that’s been bothering you, or…?”</p><p>“The back of my shin is where the pain is sharpest,” said Sokka, deliberately avoiding the first question. He didn’t know if he wanted her to try but he also wasn’t sure if he didn’t. “It’s kind of a dull pain going all the way around, though, right from my foot into my thigh. That’s… honestly, the more I’ve thought about it, the more I think that Zuko’s physician was right and something in there didn’t heal the way it was supposed to. I don’t think it was the bone. I think it makes more sense that it was the nerves because I’ve been reading about it—” he gestured to one of the books to his right “—and what I’m feeling matches best with that. It could be muscle damage, though. I don’t know. Something is wrong with it. I waited too long to do anything. I should have taken care of it ages ago but I honestly didn’t even think about it. I was so busy thinking about what happened when my leg hurt that I didn’t stop to think <em>why </em>it hurt.”</p><p>“What do you mean you were thinking about what happened when your leg hurt?” Despite the fact that he hadn’t technically given her permission, Katara pushed aside a few papers and knelt beside Sokka, gently taking the scrolls off the lower half of his outstretched leg. Once everything was off, she rolled up the leg of his pants to his knee, bending the water out of her pouch and wrapping it around her hands before she pressed it to his leg. Sokka must’ve hesitated for too long, watching her work, because she prodded him again. “Sokka? Did you hear me?”</p><p>“Yeah, sorry. It’s nothing, really, I just— Suki told you I had a panic attack, right? She mentioned that?” When Katara’s gaze dropped and she nodded, he took a deep breath and went on. “Yeah, that’s— that’s kind of what it is. When I put a lot of weight on my leg, and I get the sharp pains like that, I sort of… flash back? To when Toph and I were taking down the last of the blimps on the day of Sozin’s Comet and it happened and we— when we almost died.” She turned to him, her eyes wide, and he looked down to avoid her gaze. “It’s stupid, I know. It’s not bad enough to excuse the fact that I didn’t touch my leg for so long it probably made it worse, but I’ve been having these really terrible nightmares and when I put pressure on my leg it’s even worse, and it’s—”</p><p>He didn’t get a chance to finish his thought before Katara’s arms wrapped around his neck in an embrace and his entire body softened. Sokka was afraid that she would think he was weak for giving into it, or stupid for not saying anything to someone, but she didn’t. She just gave him a long, deep hug; sighing softly as she held onto him tighter. Sokka knew that Katara was worried about him after he left, and that she was the one who got the letter from Suki about the fact that he was gone and had to deal with the first response to it but he didn’t know how worried she was until then. Until they hugged without someone else there and he was able to hear her breathing beside his ear as she held him tightly like she thought he might run away again. It hurt him to think that might really be what was going through her mind. That if she couldn’t do something, didn’t help him, then he would just leave again. But he wouldn’t. He would never, <em>ever </em>leave his family again.</p><p>“It’s okay, Sokka,” said Katara, finally pulling back as she sat on her knees beside him. “You’re not the only person who’s been through this. There are a ton of men back at the tribe who experienced the same thing after they came back from the war. You just have to talk to someone. That’s why I did. I know Toph and Aang did too. All of us went through a lot and I know you’ve been reluctant in the past but there’s nothing wrong with talking to someone about your struggles. It’ll help, I promise. It made me feel so much better after I talked about it, and I wasn’t even having any nightmares. Not bad enough for a panic attack, at least.”</p><p>“No, it’s fine.” He couldn’t even believe he was refusing help again, but it didn’t feel right to accept it. He didn’t <em>want </em>to talk to someone else. He didn’t <em>want </em>to tell all of his worst fears to someone he didn’t even know. “I’m really busy right now and I don’t think it’s the right time. I won’t say never, but… not right now.”</p><p>Katara sighed. “Okay. I can’t make you, but Dad and I are always here for you if you think it’s time. And if you need to talk about anything, I’m here, okay? I don’t know what you’ve been doing most of the time you’ve been here, but you still seem like you’re pretty tired. Happier, sure, but really tired too. You’re not working yourself too hard again, are you?”</p><p>“Actually, no, I don’t think I am. It’s just… it’s not important. Did you feel anything in my leg?”</p><p>“It felt the same as the last time I healed it. I can tell you’re shaking a lot, but I don’t know what’s going on, exactly. It’s beyond what I’ve been taught about healing.” She took a deep breath, hesitating before she went on. “Sokka, you don’t have to hide anything from me. Just because you don’t think it’s important doesn’t mean it won’t help to talk about it.”</p><p>But he couldn’t talk about it because what was he supposed to say? That the reason he wouldn’t leave was because he thought his friend was dying and then accidentally started falling for him which only made him worry more? Oh, because, by the way, he’s bisexual and has been lying by omission pretty much forever? Right, yeah, and the guy he fell for happened to be the Fire Lord who she’s still a little bitter at all those years later. No. There was nothing he could say that would explain what was happening with him and he didn’t feel right talking about Zuko’s problems behind his back. Sokka knew how he felt about people discussing their Fire Lord and he hated the thought of being one of them who made him feel shitty like that, even if he didn’t know about it. So, he just shook his head as he reached down to grab some of the things that Katara had adjusted, pulling them back into place.</p><p>“No, I really don’t want to talk about it,” said Sokka, dragging a scroll back over his leg. “Thanks for the offer, though.”</p><p>“Anytime. You can talk to me whenever, about anything. Or Dad, if you’d prefer. He’ll listen too. And Bato, I know he’d be okay talking as soon as we get home” She offered a reassuring smile as she stood up. “Anyway, I actually came in here to ask if you wanted to come to lunch with me and Toph.”</p><p>“Just you two? Where’s Aang and Suki?”</p><p>“You didn’t hear? Aang took Suki and Ty Lee back to Kyoshi Island to get some things. I think they’ll be back in a few days.”</p><p>“Oh, okay.” He shook his head slightly, blinking repeatedly as he realized that he’d again missed out on what was happening. “Uh, sure. I’m going to go grab Zuko first, if that’s all right? I don’t think he has any meetings this afternoon and I don’t want him to get too distracted with whatever he’s working on and forget to eat again. Not that I’m worried about him! Just… I don’t want to drag him around anymore?”</p><p>In all honesty, he didn’t mind dragging around a sleepy Zuko. He was fucking adorable, especially when he couldn’t keep his eyes open and his lisp came out. “All right, that’s fine. Toph and I were going to hang out in the courtyard while we eat so if you want to meet us out there, that works.”</p><p>“Great, we’ll be there in a few minutes.”</p><p>Sokka smiled as Katara turned to leave, but his expression fell as soon as he looked to all the things strewn around him and he groaned. It might be more than a few minutes, as he didn’t think he could put it all away so quickly. Hopefully, Zuko would be more willing to come along. Otherwise they might miss out on the meal altogether.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Though he was worried about what might happen when he asked Zuko to come with him to lunch, Sokka found it was actually easier to convince him than he expected. It wasn’t a happy conversation in any way, but it was fast. Zuko was reluctant at first, halfway through reading a bunch of papers. Sokka almost didn’t ask about them until he saw they were newspapers and private reports dating back to the day before his coronation, all slandering him for various reasons. Some were dragging him for poor decisions, a lack of action, and similar things, while others were advocating for Ozai and said it was ridiculous that his pathetic excuse for a son was somehow the Fire Lord.</p><p>Zuko looked professional as he read through them as if they were no different from any other documents, but his hands were shaking and when Sokka leaned back against the side of his desk, he realized Zuko’s eyes were filled with tears. He immediately suggested Zuko take a break for lunch with them. Zuko declined, quietly explaining that he needed to finish reading because he was trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Sokka took no shit and said, “nothing”, before latching on to his hand and pulling him from his seat. Zuko argued for exactly one sentence before nodding and agreeing to go with him to lunch.</p><p>Outside, Toph and Katara were already waiting for them; seated in the grass with a bunch of food laid out on a small blanket. Neither of them were actually sitting on the blanket but it kept the grass from getting in the food and Katara had a nice little set up going there. She smiled, Toph waving when Zuko and Sokka walked over to meet them. Sokka kept trying to crack jokes on their way out there, but Zuko was unwaveringly quiet and didn’t seem to register half of them, let alone think they were funny. He really hoped that being outside and spending time with friends would help, as well as having something to eat. Zuko had been in meetings for most of the morning and didn’t manage to get out, so Sokka wasn’t sure whether he’d actually had anything to eat yet which would definitely be contributing to his shitty mood. Unfortunately, if that was the case, Zuko didn’t seem to care and refused an offer to eat at first, instead just taking a cup of tea. Sokka wanted to ask him again, but Katara gave him a look, trying to tell him they had time and if Zuko needed to sit for a minute before he ate, they should let him.</p><p>“So, we were just talking about you,” said Toph, casually tossing a cherry into her mouth and spitting out the pit—to Katara’s distaste—before she went on. “We thought, since you’ve been working so hard with all this colony shit and Sokka and Katara are probably only going to be here a few more days, it might be fun to take a day and go somewhere with Aang. It doesn’t have to be far. Just Ember Island, maybe? We can go see a really shitty play and you can make fun of it. It’ll take your mind off of things.”</p><p>“I can’t.” Zuko shook his head, staring down at the cup of tea in front of him with a blank expression on his face. He didn’t look sad anymore, not exactly, but his face was suddenly devoid of emotion like he was just trying not to let anyone in on how he was really feeling. “Thanks for thinking about me, but I really can’t leave the palace right now. There’s way too much going on. If I go anywhere, it’ll be to somewhere in the Earth Kingdom to renegotiate and I <em>really </em>hope it doesn’t come to that.”</p><p>“Okay, well, can you get like, a night off? We can hang out in the palace or out here. Even if you can’t get out until late, we could have something set up and you could just relax for a while. You need it. I don’t know what happened today but you’re shaking again and it’s starting to get really old.”</p><p>“Sorry. I— sorry. Okay? I’d have to stay up late because I’m really busy, but I guess I can do that?”</p><p>“No.” Sokka spoke too quickly and everyone turned to look at him. He suddenly felt very awkward, realizing that he was the only one who understood why making Zuko stay up late wasn’t a good idea. After all, he was the only one there to witness his drunken breakdown when he half-slurred, half-sobbed about the fact that he didn’t like staying up late and didn’t want to do it anymore. “I mean, you don’t have to stay up late if that would be too much. If you want to do something with us, we can make it work whenever it fits into your schedule. I don’t want you to miss out on sleep.”</p><p>“And you say <em>I’m </em>the mom friend,” joked Katara, rolling her eyes as she crossed her arms against her chest. No one else laughed and she sighed, realizing that she was still the mom friend in the group and probably always would be. “No, but really, Toph and I have been trying to find a way to help you guys relax and have some fun before we all have to split up again, but it’s okay if you don’t have time for a whole thing. We can just have meals together like this. That’s fine. Just don’t work yourselves too hard.”</p><p>“Wow,” Zuko started, his tone sour, “kind of funny you think I have a choice. Imagine not having your whole life laid out for you. ”</p><p>“You do have a choice and the fact that you keep acting like you don’t is the reason everything around you always sucks. You’re not a victim, Zuko. I know you had a rough childhood but you’re the <em>Fire Lord</em>. You’re privileged and you’re acting like your life is horrible when you’re living thousands of leagues above the rest of the world.”</p><p>“Katara—”</p><p>Sokka didn’t get through to her. “I don’t know what you think you’re gaining by acting like you’re weak but you’re not. We’ve seen you do incredible things with your bending and your skills and now you’re just cracking? Why? You’re strong, Zuko. I know you are. I don’t understand what changed.”</p><p>“No, what you don’t understand is the pressure I’m under.” Zuko’s tone was harsh, his breathing angry as he clenched his hands into fists. “I <em>know </em>that I’m privileged, Katara. I <em>know </em>that in those terms, I’m wealthy as shit and I have power and I can do things, but I don’t know what to do with that power. Okay? That’s the truth. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. Every day I worry that I’m going to make the wrong decision and it’s going to get people killed or worse. It’s not as simple as being rich and giving to the poor. I’m <em>fucked</em>. No matter what I do, they hate me. I’ve tried everything but it— I don’t know how to do this. I’m not acting weak, I <em>am</em>. If that’s how you’re perceiving me it’s just because I’m fucking pathetic. That’s who I am. That’s who I’ve always been, you just didn’t see it before.”</p><p>“You’re not pathetic!” Katara snapped, not taking the hint from Sokka’s intense glare. “The only reason anyone would think you are is because you’re moping around instead of leading your country. Last time we were here, you were trying <em>so hard</em>. What happened? Why are you doing this now?”</p><p>“Katara, <em>stop</em>.” It was Toph that time, her tone full of anger and concern, as she glanced over to Zuko, who Sokka realized was shaking badly.</p><p>“I don’t know, okay!” cried Zuko, his voice cracking. He took a deep, furious breath before he went on. “I’m not moping around, I’m fucking trying, okay? You don’t know what it’s like to be doing this. You don’t know what it’s like to be in charge of thousands of people who fucking despise you.”</p><p>“But you’re <em>not </em>trying. You don’t even take care of yourself. It’s not that hard to <em>eat</em>, Zuko. And Sokka was here for <em>weeks </em>and you didn’t even think to send us anything! It’s—”</p><p>“Stop, Katara, he can’t breathe!” Suddenly, Toph leapt over to Zuko, wrapping her arms around his neck, and pulling him close to her shoulder the way she had when Sokka was freaking out during training. “Zuko, listen to me. Zuko. Zuko, you’re fine. Okay? Sugar Queen over here is just in a bad mood. We’re not mad at you for struggling. You’re fine. Just breathe. Please, please breathe. No one’s mad at you.”</p><p>Sokka wanted to do something, to reach out and help Zuko, but Toph seemed to have it covered so he stayed back as Katara spoke again, her face frozen. “Zuko, I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean— I know how much pressure you’re under. I think I’m just really worried. It’s been a hard couple of weeks with everything going on and Sokka keeps saying he’s homesick, but he won’t come back to the tribe with us, and I don’t— I am so sorry. It’s just been so hard, and I took it out on the wrong person.”</p><p>“Yeah, you’re telling me.” Zuko pulled away from Toph, who still clung to his arm. Thankfully, she was holding onto his bicep, and didn’t squeeze where Sokka knew his bandage was beneath his robes. When he looked up, Sokka was surprised to find that Zuko didn’t appear to be upset so much as pissed off. “It’s my fault too, I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I know you mean well. Everyone means well. And you know what? You’re right. I’m shit. I am moping around instead of leading my country. The people hate me, and they have good reason. You know, I’ve— I’ve had thirty-four assassination attempts made since my coronation? <em>Thirty-four</em>. I only got hurt in a couple of them, but it really puts things into perspective, you know? That’s like, once a month for the entire time I’ve been Fire Lord. I’m doing something wrong. I just— I can’t figure out what it is. I don’t know what it is. That’s why I was reading those articles and reports, Sokka. I need to be better. I thought— I rebuilt my government from the ground up and I thought it would better and maybe I just made it worse.”</p><p>“No, you didn’t.” Sokka shook his head. “Your dad was a piece of shit, Zuko. I don’t know why the people don’t like you because I think you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met but no matter what you do, you’re <em>infinitely </em>better than their last Fire Lord.”</p><p>“You know, it’s funny you say that, because I’ve already had more serious assassination attempts than anyone going back to before the war.”</p><p>“I’m really, really sorry, Zuko,” Katara said again, shifting closer to him and Toph. “I really didn’t mean to upset you; I don’t know why I said those things.”</p><p>“Because they’re true.” The scariest part was that Zuko’s tone was flat as anything. As if he honestly believed every word he was saying. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it, Katara. I’m a shit Fire Lord. I’m not strong enough, I’m not mentally there, and I’m not experienced enough to know what the fuck to do when things get tough. Seriously, if there was someone else who could take the throne, I would give it to them.”</p><p>“What about—?” Toph didn’t get the chance to finish.</p><p>“Do not say my uncle. We are not dragging him into this and if any of you say a <em>word </em>to him about <em>anything </em>that has happened since you got here, I will never forgive you. He doesn’t need that stress. He spent <em>years </em>looking after me already and I will not fucking burden him with that again, all right? I just wanted you guys to know that I’m trying. I know it doesn’t look like I’m trying and I’m really not doing enough for it to matter, but I am.”</p><p>“We know.” Jumping in before anyone else could say something that made it worse, Sokka nodded and slid closer to the others. He wanted to say something about Iroh, to convince him that seeing his uncle wouldn’t be such a terrible idea, but realized it was a touchy subject and decided he would tackle it at a later time. Maybe when he could be more physically affectionate with Zuko to help him stay calm. “You’re doing a good job, Zuko. The only reason people aren’t outright accepting you is because it’s such a big shift coming out of the war. People aren’t used to the changes. Over time they’re going to realize everything you’re doing is for the best.”</p><p>“But what if it’s not? What if everything I’m doing is the wrong thing? I don’t know what I’m doing, Sokka. I’m trying, but I have no idea how to do this. Every decision I make is based on what <em>I </em>think is right and there’s no part of me that trusts myself to make those kinds of decisions for people.”</p><p>“Well, maybe you don’t need to trust yourself because you know what?” Toph let out a huff as she reached back to punch him in the shoulder. “We believe in you. I’ve heard what you’re doing, it’s great. Aang never stopped talking about how good you were at fixing things when I was traveling with him. Seriously, it actually started getting annoying because every time we heard about something you did he’d say that was such a smart thing to do. You’re doing great, Zuko. It’s just a hard position to be in. The people who don’t like you are always going to be louder than the ones who do.”</p><p>“She’s right, Zuko,” added Katara. “You’re doing so well. You are. I’m so sorry I went off at you like that. Like I said, I think I was just getting to the end of my rope with everything that’s been happening, and I blame Sokka for that more than you.” It was a joke, but he winced anyway. “I can’t imagine what it’s like for you and you should know we’re all proud of you for trying your best.”</p><p>Zuko nodded, staring down at his hands. “Thank you. All of you. I really needed to hear that.”</p><p>Instead of any of them verbally responding, they all moved in and wrapped Zuko in the middle of a group hug. Sokka was pretty sure he was the only one that Zuko was holding back onto—unless he’d suddenly found another arm because one as still being held down by Toph and the other was wrapped around Sokka—but they were all feeling better by the time they pulled away and he knew it. They sat there for a few seconds after they parted, no one quite knowing what to say, before Katara spoke up again, her tone half-joking and half-apologetic.</p><p>“Okay, now that we settled that,” she started, turning to Zuko, “can you please eat something? I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be pushy, but you look like you’ve dropped at least twenty pounds from when we came to visit last year.”</p><p>“No, I know, it’s been a really shit year. It’s fine, though. I’m glad it brought us back together at least. I missed you guys.” He finally popped a grape in his mouth, eating it before he finally noticed that Sokka was giving him a look. “What? I’m not a sap, I’m just saying it’s nice to have friends around. Especially you. Because of your, er, skills and such. You’re really smart? Helpful? P—Passionate?”</p><p>Sokka had to pretend to turn to grab something from the other side of the blanket to look away to keep Katara from seeing his face. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling because he just <em>knew </em>that the third word Zuko was going to say wasn’t ‘passionate’, it was ‘pretty’. Plus, Zuko was just so flustered and cute trying to recover from accidentally singling him out. Part of Sokka was annoyed that he kept getting so thrown by the way Zuko complimented him but then he realized he used to do the same thing with Suki and spirits know he embarrassed himself around Yue so it wasn’t like it was such a big deal, right? It was fine for him to be flustered around a boy because it was okay for him to like boys. Three people knew about it now (though, he hadn’t clarified to Toph that he was bisexual yet and realized he should probably do that sometime soon in case she got the wrong idea), and they were all okay with it. One of them even kept kissing him. One of them kissed him in the past. He had no plans to kiss Toph, but her hugs were really nice too.</p><p>There was a time when Sokka thought he might never be okay with flirting with a boy but as he sat there, going back and forth with Zuko on how he was apparently ‘passionate’ and trying to see if he could trip up the Fire Lord harder than he’d been tripped up himself, he wasn’t just okay. He was happy. And even though he didn’t know how long it was last, he was glad to have the feeling while he could.</p>
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<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Chapter Thirty-Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Though he wasn’t expecting to get much out of half an hour with his friends, Zuko ended up coming out of the meal feeling a thousand times better. He had ideas, drive, determination, and more than anything, he felt the need to prove people wrong. He burned every one of the negative articles he’d been reading as soon as he got back to his chambers, his heart pounding with rage as he let the last of the ashes drift to his table. Zuko didn’t sleep much that night, nor the night after that, nor the night after <em>that</em>, but by the fourth morning he was working on himself, he’d done so much time, put in so much effort, he was sure that he could win the battle. The Earth Kingdom <em>would </em>listen to what he was saying, and they <em>would</em> understand why he did what he did and why he needed them to work with him for the safety of not just his people, but theirs too.</p><p>Zuko was confident in his idea. Was he <em>absolutely </em>confident? No, but if he were, that would just be arrogance and he didn’t want to be that kind of ruler, so he was okay with having some doubts. He stayed in his room for one more night past the time he thought he was finished, just to make sure that everything was absolutely perfect and in place and he drank so much fucking coffee just to stay awake that he thought he might die. He’d gotten so used to the taste of tea that trying to switch back to coffee—yes, back, because Zuko was a coffee man through and through but the damn tea brought him so much comfort—for even a few nights was jarring. He forgot how much energy it gave him and though he’d managed to make it through the first three nights just working because he had so much to do, the fourth was just proofreading and second guessing himself so by the time he was done, he wasn’t tired at all and he still had so much caffeine in his system that he couldn’t fall asleep.</p><p>After a long several minutes spent staring at the ceiling and uncontrollably shaking, Zuko leapt out of bed, planning to do a lap around the palace to burn off some of his excess energy so that he would actually be able to fall asleep. He ended up doing this twice, even going through the courtyard a few extra times, and it wasn’t enough. He was still awake. Very, <em>very </em>awake. So, he went into the training room. Worked out for twenty minutes, hoping that if he did some advanced katas several times it would finally wear him out. Somehow, it didn’t. Not even the kata right below the highest one which pretty much kicked everyone’s ass in one go. No, he did that one four times in a row and wasn’t even out of breath. Clearly, Zuko’s body was <em>not </em>adjusted to the obscene amounts of coffee he consumed. He sighed and headed back out of the room, deciding that he needed to get back to bed, whether or not he could actually fall asleep. Unfortunately, the world wasn’t quite ready to let him off that easy, and he ended up being stopped on the way by none other than the person who found him last time.</p><p>“Zuko?” said Hakoda, his tone edging on concern as he stopped to meet the teenager in the hall. “Are you all right? Why are you out of bed?”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Zuko assured him, wanting him to know right away that there would be no repeat of what happened the other night. “I drank a lot of coffee and I tried to sleep but my brain is not cooperating with me. Why are <em>you </em>out of bed?”</p><p>“I just got back from the tribe. Afraid I’m still running on South Pole time. You sure you’re all right? You look a little pink.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, I was just running through some katas. I thought it might help me sleep but apparently I have energy through the roof so I’m thinking I might just not do that tonight. I have more stuff I need to work on anyway and there’s no point in wasting time trying to sleep if I can’t make it happen.”</p><p>“No, you need your rest, son.” Hakoda crossed his arms, clearly concerned for Zuko’s wellbeing even though he was actually in a decent mood for once. If everything went to plan, they’d be on their way to fixing things with the Earth Kingdom by the end of the week. “You should go lie down, even if you can’t fall asleep. Just closing your eyes will help you get rest. Your body needs it.”</p><p>He opened his mouth to argue but nodded. “Okay. I’ll try. But before I do, can I ask you a question?”</p><p>“Of course, anything you need.”</p><p>“I was just wondering, about what happened the last time we—” Zuko gestured awkwardly to the hall around them, biting down on his bottom lip as he tried to articulate his thoughts. He really wasn’t sure how to express what he was trying to say, nor was he sure that he wanted to say it. Maybe he <em>was </em>sleepier than he thought, otherwise he wouldn’t have blurted out the request. “I mean, when you bandaged my arm for me after that accident, you didn’t— you didn’t tell anyone else about what happened, right? Not just about the cut from the letter opener but… you know.”</p><p>“No.” Hakoda shook his head, a sad look appearing in his eyes as he did so; his posture softening before he spoke again. “It’s not any of my business. But I know Sokka is really worried about you, Zuko. If you ever need to talk to someone about what’s happening, I’m right here. I know you have a little trouble accepting this because you didn’t have a lot of support growing up, but we all care about you. Nobody wants to see you get hurt.”</p><p>“Actually, there are a lot of people who want to see me get hurt, it’s just not you guys. But thank you. I’m not— that all happened when I was in a really bad place because of the whole thing with the colonies, and I’m not going to do it again. I’m not planning on it, at least. Sorry. I’m going to go to bed now.”</p><p>“It’s all right. You don’t have to run off all the time. Are you okay? You seem really uncomfortable.”</p><p>He swallowed hard. He wasn’t even anxious, just… yeah. Uncomfortable. “Sorry, I’m not very good at talking to people. It’s a thing. I’ve always had a lot of problems with it and most people don’t believe me because I’m really good on a stage, but I can’t— I don’t know how to talk to people. I can talk to my friends, kind of, and my uncle, but I don’t know how to talk to anyone else. I don’t know why. Someone told me once that because I didn’t try to talk much as a kid, I just grew up expecting people to want me to be quiet? Which makes sense because until I was around ten, my dad used to berate me for half the words that came out of my mouth since I couldn’t— sorry, no, I don’t want to talk about that. That’s really embarrassing. But basically, I don’t know how to… socialize. At all.”</p><p>“That’s okay.” It was almost inhuman how kind and compassionate Hakoda was to Zuko all the time, regardless of how annoying, rude, or awkward he was. Part of him wanted the guy to stop just because it was too weird, but a larger part of him almost liked it. “You don’t have to be good at everything. There are a lot of people who aren’t good at talking. Even I wasn’t any good at talking to people until three years after I met my wife. It happens. You have time.”</p><p>“No, but I don’t because I’m the Fire Lord and I need to talk to people every day and I’m really, really bad at it. Actually, I never told anyone before, but there’s a few people who won’t even meet with me anymore because I was so uncomfortable when they met me the first time that they just prefer to do everything through my advisors. And I don’t blame them because I really wouldn’t want to talk to me either but it’s kind of hard to deal with politicians who won’t even speak to you.”</p><p>“All right, well, have you thought about trying anything to fix it? I know there are coaches out there who help people with that kind of thing. Maybe even someone who can go straight to your anxiety and help with that? Or you could try a speech therapist. That might help you figure out how to work through it.”</p><p>“I can’t.” Zuko shook his head quickly, his eyes widening at the last suggestion. “I already tried a few coaches earlier this year and it just doesn’t work. I do my best, but I just get worse every time and they don’t understand what my problem is. And I can’t do a speech therapist. Or any kind of therapist. That’s… that’s a whole thing. I don’t want to get into that, but it’s been suggested before and the very idea of going back— <em>going</em> to one of those makes me want to throw up. So, I can’t do that either.”</p><p>“Oh, sorry about that. I wasn’t trying to make it worse, I just wanted you to know that if you need to talk to someone, there are people out there who can help you. You don’t have to just keep trying on your own. And even if there are some things you’re really uncomfortable doing, there’s always an alternative, so just keep your mind open, all right? I think it could be good for you to look into something like that. I’m trying to get Sokka into some help too, so just so you know, you’re not alone. Everyone needs a little help sometimes, even if you two are both too stubborn to see it.”</p><p>Zuko froze for a moment when Hakoda said he was trying to get Sokka into help, hoping there wasn’t anything he was missing beyond what he already knew. “I’m not actually adverse to help, I just already tried it way too many times and it never helps. And yeah, I guess it did once—one kind, at least—but it was really, really awful and I know it’s stupid because it helped but I don’t want to do it again. I can’t— I don’t think I can do that again.”</p><p>“Okay. That’s all right. You’re talking about the speech therapy, right?” Unable to say anything else about it, Zuko only nodded, biting his lip as he turned his gaze downward. “That’s fine, then. We can just strike that one right off the list. I don’t want you to have to do anything that brings back bad memories. You’ve had more than enough of that in your life. But there are other options too. There are people out there who can and do want to help you, you just have to find them.”</p><p>“No, I don’t. My sister already did. I just don’t want to see any of them because I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I don’t. I know that I went through a lot of shit and I’m fine with that. I’m past that. The only thing I’m having problems with now is this. This current moment and how shit I am at being Fire Lord.”</p><p>“One: you’re not a shitty Fire Lord. You’re a kid and you’re doing your best with the hand you were dealt. Two: if you were really past all of that, then you wouldn’t be so terrified of going back to see a therapist. And I want you to know right now that I’m not trying to make you feel bad about that. I would never, ever make you do something you don’t want to do. But it’s bothering you because there are bad memories associated with it which you haven’t worked through. <em>That’s </em>what you need to figure out. <em>That’s</em> what you need to talk to someone about. There are a lot of bad things in your past and you think you’re over them but you’re not, you’re repressing. Sokka is doing the same thing, that’s why I’m pushing him to get help too. You’re kids and you’ve gone through way too much already. There’s no shame in talking to someone about it.”</p><p>“I know, but I can’t do it.” Zuko was insistent, hoping that Hakoda would understand what he was saying and back off. It was only because he knew there were other people sleeping in nearby rooms that he managed to keep his voice down when he went on. “With all due respect, I’m the fucking Fire Lord. I can’t talk to someone without people finding out and if they think I’m cracking, they’ll come after me. You don’t know how many people have already tried to get me killed. I can’t give them more reasons to try. And I— I know it’s really stupid and pathetic, but I’m scared, okay? I’m scared. Last time I got help, I cried myself to sleep for <em>months</em> and I can’t do that again. I can’t have someone telling me that I’m fucked up because I already know it. I already know that I’m not trying hard enough, and I know that I’m not good enough, and having someone else say that same thing to me over and over again—”</p><p>“Wait, wait, Zuko, <em>stop</em>.” He held up his hands to signal for Zuko to cease his talking, and he did. An awkward silence fell for a few seconds as Hakoda stared at him, seeming to process the words before he finally formulated a response. “Okay, let me see if I understand this correctly. You went to a therapist when you were younger? Okay. And that therapist told you that you weren’t good enough or trying hard enough? Yes? No. No, that’s not a good therapist. Therapists are supposed to encourage you, not berate you. I don’t know how anything that person told you helped at all.”</p><p>“I don’t know, I mean, fear was a pretty good motivator. Is that not… normal?”</p><p>“No, it is absolutely not normal and if you were berated into fixing whatever your problem was then I can understand why you’re so afraid to go back. That’s not what therapists are supposed to be like, Zuko. They’re supposed to be nice and friendly and help you figure out how to fix your problems in a way that is best for you. Not bully you into being so afraid that you have to change.”</p><p>“I don’t— I don’t understand.” It was stupid and he <em>knew</em> it was stupid and he sounded pathetic but what the <em>fuck</em>? He knew that Ena was nice, yeah, he’d checked her out very thoroughly before letting her help Azula, but he thought that was just because she wasn’t technically a ‘therapist’. Suddenly, everything was crashing around him and the exhaustion from not sleeping enough the last few nights began to strike. “I spent two years in almost daily therapy with someone who yelled at me and hit me when I wasn’t trying hard enough, and I thought— I knew that it hurt but I didn’t realize that it wasn’t— my mother tried to be nice about it, but it didn’t help. It never helped because she too nice. She didn’t think it was a problem, but my father, he— he used to burn me. When I wasn’t doing well. And I know that— I know that <em>he </em>was abusing me, but my therapist wasn’t— he was just doing his job.”</p><p>“Yes, he was, but his job wasn’t to help you, it was to <em>abuse </em>you.”</p><p>“No. No, because my father said I needed to be better and I wasn’t doing well enough, and he told my— my therapist to be harder on me and that’s when I got better. That’s when I fixed the problem. I don’t— I don’t get it. I don’t— why isn’t that—? They’re supposed to be hard on you. That’s how you learn. That’s— That’s how you get better.”</p><p>“No, no, no. Spirits, no. No. That’s not— no. That’s not how therapy works. No. Absolutely not. Shit, no wonder you’re so terrified of it. How old were you?”</p><p>“Seven, maybe eight? I— I don’t know. I don’t remember when they made me go. Are you mad? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I was just— I never— I don’t know. That’s what it was. That’s what I thought it was. I remember I cried a lot because my therapist, he would— my mother tried to comfort me but Father always shut her down and he said that they <em>had</em> to be hard on me because I wasn’t trying hard enough to be better. I wasn’t— that’s what Katara said. The other day. We were arguing and she said I wasn’t trying hard enough to be better and I know she didn’t mean it, she apologized and everything, but she was right, right? I don’t try hard enough. Maybe I do need people to be hard on me again. It might have made me cry all the time when I was little but at least it fixed the problem.”</p><p>“<em>No</em>. Fuck, no. No. No, you’re not— <em>No</em>.” Zuko could feel his hands starting to shake when Hakoda’s tone turned sour. He did it again. He didn’t even know what he did but someone else was mad at him. <em>Shit</em>. He should have just stayed in his room. If he just stayed in his room then he wouldn’t have lost another ally. Zuko hoped he didn’t entirely sever his ties with the Southern Water Tribe. That they could at least keep a relationship that was strictly professional. “All right, Zuko, I need you to listen to me, okay? No one should ever, <em>ever </em>berate you for <em>anything</em>. Especially not when you were seven years old, holy shit. That’s not okay. What happened to you was not normal and it was not okay.”</p><p>“But they were helping me,” he said, swallowing hard. Hakoda was mad. He was definitely, definitely mad. Zuko fucked up <em>again</em>. His voice shook when he spoke, his eyes blinking rapidly to keep the stress-driven tears from falling. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to—”</p><p>“Whoa, wait, what are you apologizing for?”</p><p>“I made you mad. I— I don’t know what I said but you’re mad at me, I can tell. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”</p><p>“Oh, no, you did not make me mad. Absolutely not. <em>I’m </em>sorry.” Hakoda suddenly reached forward and pulled Zuko into a hug, to which he felt his face twist into even <em>more </em>confusion. What the fuck was even happening? Did he do something wrong or not? One second, it seemed like he did, and now, he didn’t know anymore. “You didn’t make me mad, I promise. I was mad because I can’t believe anyone would do something that horrible to a <em>child</em>. That shouldn’t have happened to you, Zuko. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”</p><p>“Thanks?” He pulled away awkwardly, shaking his head. It still made no sense. “I thought you wanted me to get therapy. Why do you want me to do it again if you’re upset that I already did?”</p><p>“Because therapists are supposed to be kind and supportive, and help you <em>fix </em>your trauma, not cause more of it. I don’t know who you saw when you were a kid, but that’s not right and I am very, very sorry that happened to you.”</p><p>“Okay? I don’t— thank you?” Zuko knew he sounded awkward as anything, but he didn’t know how to respond. Apparently, he had no concept of what therapy was supposed to be, despite having had enough experience with it. Suddenly, Zuko couldn’t help but wonder, since his idea of therapy was so fucked up, what else he’d misunderstood having grown up the way he did. If therapy really <em>could </em>help him figure that out. He shook his head. It was too much to think about. “This is honestly a little overwhelming, so I think I’m going to go and try to get some sleep now.”</p><p>“All right. I’m right here if you need to talk about anything, okay?”</p><p>Zuko nodded, but he couldn’t get himself to say any words. His mind was too busy questioning everything he knew about therapy and trying to figure out what the <em>fuck </em>just happened.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The following day, Zuko was far more distracted than he should have been. He spent most of the morning polishing and refining his proposals for the council meeting that afternoon but couldn’t quite focus well enough to add or remove anything and hoped it was good the way it was. As he was so busy with what happened the night before, Zuko nearly forgot to have breakfast too, though he ended up eating something when Mai and Ty Lee showed up to his room with a tray of fruit and a lot of tea. He almost wished they’d brought coffee instead. The night before he might have been struggling to sleep, but suddenly the exhaustion was starting to catch up with him and he realized that he was far more tired than he reasonably should have been at that hour.</p><p>Regardless, he managed to push past that and eventually finished his plans with time to spare. Just to be safe, he kept checking over them until it was absolutely the last minute he could possibly leave for his meeting, at which point he’d read over them so many times he couldn’t even process the words anymore. Zuko swallowed hard as he stood up from his desk, finally heading over to the meeting room. No one else was there yet, as he always liked to arrive early unless he had other meetings back to back. Sokka generally showed up early too but had pulled himself from the plans for the colonies—officially, that is, <em>unofficially</em>, he was still helping Zuko generate ideas behind the scenes—which meant it was Zuko and Azula against the world. What a fucking team.</p><p>“Hey, Zuzu.” Speak of the devil, Azula arrived about the same time as him, striding towards the meeting room with a handful of scrolls in her hands. “You ready to see if these guys want to talk to the Earth Kingdom again?”</p><p>“No, I’m ready to <em>make </em>them renegotiate,” said Zuko. “I’m the Fire Lord. I don’t care what they want, I’m just telling them what <em>I’m</em> doing. Besides, they’ll almost definitely be into it anyway since I’m the one who fucked up so bad. What I really need to do is see if they want to deal with <em>my </em>shit again.”</p><p>“All right, well, as someone who’s dealt with your shit for my entire life, good luck with that.”</p><p>She patted him on the head sarcastically, much to his distaste, and turned to walk into the meeting room. “Azula, wait. Can I ask you something really quick?”</p><p>“That depends.” Azula spun back around, crossing her arms with the scrolls still in one hand. “What is it about?”</p><p>“You remember when we were kids and Father got us all those private tutors for our lessons?” The words came out slightly stunted and he knew it, but he couldn’t make it any smoother. He was uncomfortable bringing up the subject at all and doing it with someone who constantly made fun of him made it even worse, even though he knew she was the only one who would understand. “They were all really hard on us, but it was because they wanted us to learn, right? They were only being tough because that was how they helped us get better. Like, when they told me I wasn’t trying hard enough. At firebending, school, you know. Everything.”</p><p>“Okay, I’m fairly sure you’re not actually asking about any of the things you just listed<em>, </em>but I won’t bring it up if you won’t. It <em>is </em>okay to talk about it, though. It’s not like I didn’t watch it all go down. But Zuzu, listen, seriously. No. The way everyone treated you about that was not right. The way our tutors spoke to us was not right. I didn’t even realize until Ena was helping with my anger issues and pointed it out that I constantly manipulated you as a child. I don’t regret it, entirely, but she was right. You were absolutely, thoroughly abused by every single one of those tutors, and really, I was too. No questions about it. Why?”</p><p>“No reason.” Zuko shook his head quickly, hoping she wouldn’t press any further but knowing that she probably would. “Someone just pointed out to me that I guess therapists aren’t supposed to be hard on you? But it always worked for me. When people told me that’s I wasn’t trying hard enough, that’s when I would do better. I wasn’t— when Mom told me that it was okay and I didn’t— I didn’t have to hide it, that’s when I stopped trying. If I didn’t have Father and my therapist being hard on me about it, I don’t think I would’ve gotten past it.”</p><p>“That’s literally not even true,” said Azula, rolling her eyes. “You didn’t do better when they said that, you suffered until you realized you <em>had </em>to do better or else they would never stop. They didn’t <em>help </em>you get better, Zuzu. They scared you shitless until you cried yourself to sleep almost every night.”</p><p>“I was like eight, Azula. Seriously.”</p><p>“You think I don’t know how old you were? You were still a little cry baby. That’s all right, though. You’re our little cry baby now. Only we’re allowed to make fun of you. And either way, it wasn’t right. Nobody should’ve treated you that way. Even I knew that back when I still hated you. Now, come on, let’s go inside before the babysitters get here.”</p><p>He shot daggers at her as they walked into the meeting room, but Azula only snorted. There wasn’t much to set up before the council got there, so Zuko took the time to read over his plans again, just to make sure everything was in good order and he remembered all that he was talking about. Of course, he did remember everything, given that he’d been working on it pretty much nonstop for the last few days, but he still wanted to be perfect and gave himself extra time to prepare between Azula’s occasional comments. She seemed to think she was funny, bringing up times that he cried over stupid things she did, but he wasn’t so fond of the memories. It wasn’t fun to be on the receiving end of Azula’s harsh words, especially not when you weren’t even ten years old yet. But there was good in her too, even so long ago. Not a lot of it, not until after she got help, but it was always there, presenting itself in the smallest of ways.</p><p>Usually it was just in a smile when they played together outside. That stopped when they were still little, but Zuko remembered it well. Not as well as he wanted to, but well all the same. He also remembered when their father first forced him to work with the therapist and she laughed after he cried in their mother’s arms for an hour. And when she stopped laughing after a few months because apparently, it wasn’t funny anymore. After enough burns, bruises, and tears, the joke became old and even <em>she</em> didn’t want to see him hurt anymore. At least, not in that context. She still mocked him on her own, hurt him on her own, but she wouldn’t laugh when their father went off at him for not trying hard enough. Never for that. He didn’t understand it as a kid, why she let him get away with that <em>one stupid thing</em>, and honestly, he never figured it out. Zuko nearly let it go, but the thought consumed him, and he glanced over to the door before he spoke.</p><p>“Why didn’t you make fun of me for it?” he asked suddenly, looking up from the pages he’d already read a thousand times. “The therapy, I mean. I never understood why you didn’t mock me for that when you were still such a bitch about everything else.”</p><p>“Oh, I don’t know.” The way Azula spoke was far too nonchalant for the vaguely surprised look on her face; her gaze not shifting from a scroll on the table in front of her. “I made fun of you for the first couple of weeks. I guess at a certain point it just got old. There’s only so many remarks I could make about it and I’m sure the well just ran dry. Father shouting at you wasn’t amusing either, there just wasn’t enough variety. It was the same thing every time. I might have had a rather sadistic sense of humor—and still do, in a way—but I wasn’t uncultured. Variety is important, otherwise it’s just repetitive. Nothing is funny the thousandth time you’ve heard it.”</p><p>Zuko nodded. “So, that’s it? That’s the only reason you stopped making fun of me?”</p><p>“Yes. Why? Did you think I had some kind of redeeming quality in me? I’m still just a bitch deep down, Zuzu. I might be on your side now but believe me, there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done to make your life worse when we were kids.”</p><p>He didn’t need her to tell him twice. Yeah, it was only a few minutes ago he was thinking about how she used to have good within her, but the more he thought about it, the more he thought she was a fucking demon and Ena wasn’t just a therapist, but an exorcist. It made sense, after all. Azula was one of the cruelest people he’d ever known and then she dropped off the grid for two years—kind of, he knew where she wasn’t but couldn’t see her—and suddenly she was a good person. Well, no, not a <em>good </em>person, but better than she was. No longer murderous, at least, and she mocked him a lot less though she still got angry rather often and hadn’t hesitated to go off when he did stupid things. But he deserved that, didn’t he? Someone had to push him to be better and if it was her, that was all right with him.</p><p>As the other members of the council started to pour into the room, Zuko closed out his thoughts with the idea that maybe Hakoda wasn’t <em>entirely</em> wrong. No, he shouldn’t have been hurt the way he was when he was a child, but tough love wasn’t all bad. Sometimes you needed someone to kick the sense back into you, to yell at you to get their point across. Zuko felt like he did, at least, and he kind of liked that it was Azula doing it for him. It wasn’t <em>great</em>, exactly, but having a sister around who yelled at him in his best interests was definitely better than having one who yelled at him to make him feel like shit. Plus, even if her temper sometimes went a little far, he kind of liked it when she shouted at the people who pissed him off. It wasn’t the perfect sibling relationship, but it was theirs.</p>
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<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Chapter Thirty-Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>While he wasn’t entirely confident in his ability to bounce back, Sokka was determined to do his best. It hadn’t gone well when he tried to work through everything on his own back at the tribe but the help from his friends gave him a huge boost of motivation and all he wanted was to be better for them. He wanted to work through whatever the stupid shit in his brain was so that he could get back to who he was supposed to be. Of course, that was a lot easier said than done, and the more time they spent training, the more he came to depend on Shin’s painkillers because he couldn’t tell when he was going to have a good day and when he was going to all but lose the ability to stand up.</p><p>That particular morning, they were training harder than usual. Not because Sokka asked them to or because Toph was pushing them to be stronger, but because Zuko was stressed as shit after waiting days for a response from the Earth Kingdom about renegotiating their plans, and it just seemed impossible to slow him down. Sokka didn’t mind, however. He’d been pushing them to let him go harder for ages and finally having the ability to do so was great. Sure, his leg stung every time he kicked something—or some<em>one</em>—and he felt weirdly sick to his stomach, but it was fine.</p><p>He took a few extra painkillers that morning and that gave him the boost he needed to keep going. Well, that and the fact that Zuko was really hot when he was bending and working out in general, but that was beside the point. He’d noticed that plenty of times before, even though he’d never said anything about it and had absolutely no plans to ever do so. Seriously. What would he gain from admitting he’d thought Zuko was hot ever since the Western Air Temple? It wasn’t like he even had feelings for him back then, he just happened to notice that he became somewhat easy on the eyes when he practiced his firebending. And in general.</p><p>“Zuko, get your eyes up,” shouted Toph suddenly, tearing Sokka from his thoughts, “and Sokka, focus! I <em>know </em>you’re staring at Zuko instead of watching your defenses. Don’t make me come after you next.”</p><p>“I wasn’t staring at Zuko!” Though Toph had known for a while at that point, Sokka still wasn’t entirely used to anyone knowing that he was into guys and his face flushed furiously when she called him out. He noticed Zuko smirk too, glancing at him for a moment before turning back to Toph. Sokka shook himself out of his daydream before he got too distracted again. “How would you even know where I’m looking? You can’t see my eyes!”</p><p>“No, but I can feel your feet turning in the wrong direction and your head spinning around to follow Zuko everywhere he goes. I know you guys are gay now, but you don’t have to be giving me the oogies about it. Romance is <em>way</em> overrated! I prefer to get my rush out of <em>this</em>.”</p><p>Suddenly, Toph kicked her foot forward and the ground beneath Zuko became uneven, nearly knocking him off balance. He slid out of the way, taking a quick breath before he hoped back into the action. Sokka was standing off to the side then, a sword in his hands as he watched them battle it out with their bending. It was an incredible sight to behold, two powerful benders going at each other like that, and for once he didn’t feel bad that he wasn’t included. Partially because he really needed the minute to catch his breath, but mostly because he knew they were both in there training for <em>him </em>and knowing that they thought of him on the same level as them—two of the most powerful people in the world, at least in his mind—was motivational as anything. So, he jumped back into the fight and they went at it for another several minutes without so much as a break.</p><p>“For the record, I’m not gay, I’m bi,” said Sokka suddenly, his heart pounding. Toph only nodded before launching another attack in his direction.</p><p>Though he was a little afraid after Toph found out about him and Zuko, Sokka quickly realized he didn’t have anything to be worried about at all. She honestly didn’t seem to care. She teased them about it sometimes, like then when he kept getting distracted by how hot Zuko was when he was fighting—she called Zuko out a couple of times too, so at least it was fair—but never pushed them to be serious about it. Though they hadn’t been too open about exactly what was going on between them, she seemed to understand that they weren’t <em>actually </em>going out and generally preferred to admire each other from afar or hold hands when no one was looking. Oh, and occasionally cuddle or make out when they were definitely, seriously alone, but that hadn’t happened since Zuko cut his arm in the middle of the night and Sokka was too worried to leave him on his own because yeah, the letter opener might have been an accident, but the fact that his arm was covered in finger-shaped burns didn’t seem to be quite so unintentional.</p><p>After they finished their second round of sparring, all three of the teens flopped onto the floor, breathing deeply. It was one of the best fights they’d had in a while and even though Sokka’s leg was killing him (not to mention his side, where Toph had managed to inflict a hell of a blow), he didn’t regret a thing. He reached over to grab his water bottle and popped in a couple of the little round painkillers too, just to take the edge off. He then flopped back onto the ground beside the others, turning his head to look at Zuko to his right. Zuko didn’t look back, staring up at the ceiling, but Sokka didn’t mind. For one thing, he probably didn’t even know Sokka was looking at him given where he was sitting, and for another, he could’ve stared at the pretty boy for hours. Not that he actually got the chance to do that, thanks to Toph suddenly splashing half a bottle of water on his head.</p><p>“Hey, what was that for?” he asked, sitting up quickly. His stomach lurched, and he took another deep breath to steady himself.</p><p>Toph only shrugged, leaning back on her hands which were acting as a pillow. “You seemed like you were falling asleep, so I thought I would help out. Or did you <em>intend </em>to be staring at Zuko for the last several minutes?”</p><p>“For the last time, I was <em>not </em>staring at Zuko! I just happened to be looking in his general direction. That’s not staring.”</p><p>“It’s all right if you want to stare at him, Snoozles. He’s been staring at you too.”</p><p>“What?!” This time it was Zuko who sat up, his eyes wide as he looked between Sokka and Toph. He opened and closed his mouth several times, searching for something to say. “I wasn’t staring at him. I was watching my opponent. That’s what you’re supposed to do. What did you want me to do? Look away from him and let him stab me in the gut? That’s not a great strategy.”</p><p>“I mean, based on the way he was looking at you,” Toph started, “I don’t think a <em>sword </em>is what he was thinking about putting in you, but—”</p><p>Sokka didn’t even respond that time. He just dropped his head onto the floor in front of him, slowly flopping onto his stomach as he relaxed into a melting, flopping, please-world-suck-me-into-the-ground-and-do-not-let-me-out state. If ever there was a great time to disappear, that was it. Right then. Yup. He tried to look up, but it was impossible. His senses were fucked. He was literally, actually dying of embarrassment. Turned out, Sokka was right all along. He was going to die in a gay panic. Fifteen years living in, fighting, and ending a war, and he was going to die because Toph killed him with an awful innuendo. Sokka almost wanted to look up, to see whether Zuko was also dead of embarrassment, but couldn’t find the will and instead continued to lay on the floor despite how hard it was on his forehead.</p><p>“Okay, fine, sorry.” She dragged out the last word dramatically, clearly not showing the least bit of remorse for her words. “I didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable, it’s just that it’s <em>really </em>hard to train when you’re making googly eyes at each other. Would it kill you to cut it out for one hour? You’re not even really going out. Wait. <em>Are </em>you really going out?”</p><p>“No!” Though Sokka was still on the floor, Zuko didn’t hesitate for a second. “No, we’re not, and we never were.”</p><p>“Right, but you have made out like, a lot of times, right? And you’re really into each other. And I’m pretty sure I felt you guys cuddling at least once. Oh, and you hold hands a <em>lot </em>underneath the table. But you’re not going out.”</p><p>“No, we’re not. It’s not like that.”</p><p>“Really?” Toph nodded, a strange look on her face as she smirked slightly. “So, if it’s not that, then what is it?”</p><p>“We’re just… I don’t know…” Finally, Sokka rolled over onto his back so they could see his face—glad it couldn’t it be as red as Zuko’s—and he wouldn’t be so muffed. “We’re just… bros? It’s not like we were actually <em>trying </em>to do anything, it just kind of… happened. I guess. I don’t know. We got really close while I was helping him with the laws, and it was kind of an accident. I think.”</p><p>“You— You made out by accident? You’re seriously trying to tell me that everything you did was by <em>accident</em>. Okay. That’s believable. I definitely do not have any doubts about that. So, just to clarify, just to be really, really clear, you <em>don’t </em>like each other. You’re just bros who like to hold hands and cuddle and make out sometimes.”</p><p>“Well, when you put it like that, it sounds kind of stupid.”</p><p>“Yes, it does, because it <em>is </em>stupid.” Toph threw her hands up dramatically, shaking her head stubbornly. “You two are fucking ridiculous. I mean, seriously, you—”</p><p>“Sorry, can we get back to work?” Zuko stood up suddenly, and Toph’s expression twisted into one of concern. “I don’t have a whole lot of time left before I have to get back to work, so if you want to get to that third round, we should probably start.”</p><p>“All right, that’s fine. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable, that wasn’t what I was trying to do. I just thought it was kind of funny that—”</p><p>“No, I know, it’s fine, I just don’t think it’s funny and I really don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just get back to training, all right? I want to do another round before I have to talk to those dicks from the school board again.”</p><p>Sokka almost wanted to ask whether he was okay, but Zuko was clearly in the mood to take out his emotions in an angry way, as instead of trying to talk it out, he just went twice as hard again. Though he’d been doing a lot of work before, he went crazy that time, fighting off both Toph and Sokka at the same time instead of sticking to their original tag team routine. He was clearly emotional in his bending and for a while, as they went back and forth with attacks, Sokka almost expected Zuko to eventually stop and break down when it overwhelmed him, but that wasn’t how it turned out. One of them did fall down, but it wasn’t Zuko and it didn’t happen in the way that Sokka was expecting.</p><p>Toph called out to remind Sokka to put more weight on his left leg, and he failed. He was leaning too far to his right, he was dizzy for no good reason, and he couldn’t force himself to correct. He tried, but he couldn’t convince himself to do it. Sokka fought, doing his best, trying desperately to get himself to stand in a way he needed to, and it didn’t work. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times Zuko and Toph told him he needed to stand up straight, it didn’t work. He tried to ignore it and the pounding in his head, to keep going in spite of their reminders and the inability to perform the way he was meant to, but he got increasingly frustrated as they kept going on and eventually, it was too much. Sokka forced himself to move, throwing his weight onto the left side, and it was too much. His leg throbbed, a sharp pain shooting through his foot as he lost his balance and crashed down to the floor, panting heavily as he used his hands to steady himself.</p><p>Immediately, both Toph and Zuko were at his side, but he pushed them away, trying desperately to get a grip before things got worse. The good news was that he wasn’t actually panicking or having a flashback, his leg just hurt like<em> shit</em> and he was sitting on it in a way that definitely wasn’t helping. He took several long, deep breaths, hoping that if he could calm down his breathing, he’d be able to understand what his friends were saying to him. It didn’t work. His heart was pounding into his ears and his breathing was just too loud for him to be able to hear anything else; his brain too muddled and his head too dizzy to process a single word being said to him. He did finally stop resisting their touch, however, allowing Toph to hug him and Zuko to lay a hand on his shoulder. Carefully, Sokka slid his leg around to the front so he wasn’t putting his weight on it anymore; turning into Zuko’s touch though Toph was holding him more firmly. In response, Zuko knelt beside him, reaching a hand down to wrap his fingers around Sokka’s.</p><p>“That’s some nice heterosexual hand holding right there,” said Toph, not moving from where she was. Zuko must’ve glared at her, because she went on. “Are you all right, Sokka?”</p><p>“Yeah.” He nodded quickly, gripping tighter around Zuko’s hand. “Yeah, I just twisted my leg. I wasn’t ready for it and it… yeah, it got me pretty bad, I guess. I’m fine, though. I just— I can’t put that pressure on my leg. I know I need to, and I know you keep saying that, but I can’t. I can’t do it.”</p><p>“Why?” asked Zuko. His tone wasn’t harsh, but curious and soft as if all he wanted was to know whether Sokka was okay. “Because it hurts?”</p><p>“No. I mean, yeah, it hurts right now, but it’s not— I’m scared, okay? I’m not getting better because I’m scared. I’m scared of hitting it the wrong way and having a panic attack over something that happened three years ago or taking a fall wrong and fucking it up even worse. I know it’s so stupid, but I can’t do it. I tried, I really did, but my body doesn’t even want to take the weight anymore. I can’t get it even, let alone shift to that side altogether.”</p><p>“It’s not stupid, Sokka. You have every reason to be scared. What do you mean, panic attacks?”</p><p>“He means, when he hits his leg a certain way, he has a flashback to when he broke it,” said Toph bluntly, finally pulling away from Sokka. His shoulders sagged as he sat there, wishing they could’ve told Zuko in any kind of easier way. Or just not said anything at all. “I helped him through it once, but he refused to get help after that, so honestly, I’ve just been waiting until it happened again. You need to do something, Sokka. You can’t keep going like this.”</p><p>“I’m fine. It’s not that bad, it’s just— <em>ow, shit!</em>” Sokka used his free hand to rub his leg when he tried to stand up, his breathing picking up again. No, it couldn’t be that bad. He didn’t make it worse again. He couldn’t do that. “Sorry, I’m fine, I think I twisted my ankle a little worse than I thought. It’s fine, it’s just— do we have any more water?”</p><p>“We did, but Toph threw it all on you earlier.” Zuko let go of Sokka’s fingers suddenly, standing up as he did so. “I’ll go grab some more. I’ll be back in a minute.”</p><p>Sokka only nodded in response, closing his eyes as he moved his other hand to massage a spot on his leg that was most definitely not his ankle. It throbbed badly, worse than normal, but he didn’t want to say anything about it. He figured Toph probably already knew anyway, based on how well she seemed to know other people’s bodies. Unfortunately, that was not what Toph was focusing on, and he didn’t know that until she stared at him for a long, silent several seconds. At first, he thought she was just waiting for Zuko to get back before doing anything else, but then he realized she was just trying to find the right way to ask him a question; one hand leaning on the ground as if she were trying to feel something.</p><p>“Are you okay?” she asked, her tone filled with concern. “Not your leg, I mean. Your chest. Does it hurt?”</p><p>“My <em>chest</em>?” If there was anything he was focusing on, it was the fact that the world was still spinning around him. “I mean, yeah, a little bit. I think it’s just because I was having trouble breathing for a minute there.”</p><p>“No, I don’t think that’s it. I might be reading this all wrong, but your heart is beating really weird.” Toph’s voice was even more worried as she went on, dropping her hands into her lap as she again hesitated before she went on. She shifted toward Sokka hesitantly, pressing a hand to his chest. He nearly slid back but allowed her to continue. “It’s not fast or slow, it’s just kind of a weird rhythm. It’s like it’s not in sync. I’ve never felt a heartbeat like that before.”</p><p>He froze. No. His leg was already fucked up and now he did something to his heart too? How? What could he have possibly done to his <em>heart</em>? Sokka took a deep breath, looking to Toph with wide eyes. “I don’t understand. What— What are you talking about? My <em>heartbeat</em> sounds weird?”</p><p>“Yeah. It’s not <em>that </em>weird, but I noticed it a few days ago. Listen.”</p><p>Though she told him to listen, Toph actually grabbed Sokka’s right hand and took his two front fingers, placing them on top of his left wrist. For a moment, Sokka struggled to feel anything, his mind all over the place and his stomach still churning, but then he stopped. Toph was right; his heartbeat wasn’t necessarily <em>bad, </em>but it was <em>off</em>. It didn’t make sense. He swallowed hard, feeling his pulse move endlessly faster, albeit at an odd rate, when his fear began to get the better of him. What the fuck did he do to himself? Sokka opened his mouth to say something, to try and explain what was happening, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know what it was, and he didn’t think he could come up with an explanation to get out of it. Thankfully, Toph spoke first.</p><p>“You’ve been shaking a lot too,” she said, her voice quiet. “I don’t know why. I thought you were nervous for a while but then I realized you were shaking when we were just joking around too. Not like, bad shaking, just… I don’t know. It’s a constant vibration, like you’re having a sugar rush or something. Are you sure you’re all right? You didn’t notice that? Either of them? It seems like it would make you sick. Or maybe you are sick and that’s what’s causing it.”</p><p>“I don’t think so.” Sokka shook his head, pulling his fingers off from around his wrist. He couldn’t feel that awful, irregular beat anymore. “I don’t <em>feel </em>sick. I mean, I guess I’m a little nauseous right now but it’s not— I didn’t even notice anything until you said that just now. You said you noticed it a few days ago? I don’t think I’ve been doing anything different since then. Do you think I should be worried about it? I’ve never heard of anything like that before.”</p><p>“Do I think you should be worried? Yeah, Sokka, it’s your <em>heart</em>. You need to talk to someone. Please. I thought maybe it would go away but it’s not. Can you talk to Zuko’s physician about it?”</p><p>Sokka shook his head. It was too much to think about. He was already in such a shitty place with his fucked-up leg, and now he was supposed to be thinking about confessing to the fact that he was possibly grappling with something even <em>more </em>serious. Sokka swallowed hard. It was over. He could never go back to the tribe and he could never tell them what was happening, or they would think he was weak. Incapable of doing what he was supposed to. He took a deep breath, blinking away the tears that stung at his eyes. A few more long breaths later and he was fine. They were gone. Sokka wouldn’t cry, not when he was already busy dealing with all the other shit going on. He turned back to Toph to say something, to try and explain his position, but the door open before he got a chance, multiple pairs of footsteps coming in behind them.</p><p>“Hey.” Katara knelt down beside Sokka, specifically to the left of his outstretched leg. “Are you okay? Zuko said you hurt your leg again.”</p><p>“No, no, I’m fine,” Sokka assured her quickly, hoping he sounded convincing enough. He shot Toph a look, <em>begging </em>her not to say anything to them about his heartbeat. It was just off because of the training. He was sure of it. “I just fell and it— I don’t know, I hit it weird. It hurts. It’s not that bad, though. You don’t have to— okay. You’re already doing that. Yep. Great. Thanks.”</p><p>She rolled her eyes, continuing to push his pant leg up until it was past his knee. Sokka ached to reach out and latch onto Zuko’s hand again, to have something to hold onto and squeeze while she held the cold, glowing water against his skin, but he wasn’t ready for her to know and didn’t want to do anything. Toph must’ve noticed what he was feeling because suddenly she held out her own hand, offering it over to him to hold. He smiled sightly as he took it from her, squeezing tightly when Katara slid her hands and her glowing water beneath his calf to where it was the worst. It felt a little better after she stopped, like she’d loosened it somehow, but it still stung everywhere, and he didn’t think he was in any place to get back to training that day. Maybe not even that week. The feeling hurt. He’d been doing <em>so well </em>when they started that morning, and everything just nosedived.</p><p>“Does that feel any better?” asked Katara, bending the water back into her pouch. “You look like you’re still in a lot of pain.”</p><p>He hesitated. “No, I’m fine. Thanks, Katara. I’m just going to go work on my—<em> shit</em>.”</p><p>Standing up wasn’t quite as easy as Sokka had hoped. He tried to do it, to stand up the exact same way he had the entire time he was alive, but he couldn’t. His leg almost instantly buckled under the weight and he fell down again, Toph grabbing his left arm and Zuko his right. Sokka dragged his hands down his face, taking a shaking breath before he allowed them to help him stand; this time holding all his weight on his right foot and barely keeping his left toes on the ground. He was fucked. He was absolutely, royally fucked. Sokka knew he was in a bad way, not even arguing when his friends dragged his arms over their shoulders, declaring they were taking him to see the physician. He wanted to tell them to stop, that he just needed rest, but they were right. He needed help. He needed help and for once, he wasn’t going to resist it.</p><p>They basically carried Sokka out of there, as he kept trying to walk but every time he did, he lifted his foot back off the ground almost immediately because the throbbing was too great in his shin. He said nothing as they asked him questions about it, nor when they made small talk, likely trying to keep him calm. Eventually, they gave up, and were almost to the physician’s office when they ran into Sokka’s dad and Suki, who dropped everything they were doing to run over to them. Toph handed Sokka over to him, Zuko moving away too after Hakoda took the full weight of Sokka’s left side over his shoulder. Sokka knew his friends all wanted to be there for him, to help him, but there were too many of them and it was just overwhelming at that point so he asked them to give him space as kindly as he could. After a bit of talk, he ended up having just his dad go into the physician’s office with him, though Suki gave his hand a big squeeze before she walked away; knowing exactly what his fears were given their prior conversation.</p><p>Shin did not have good news. She tried to test Sokka’s leg in the same way she always did but even just the basic movements were painful enough that the tears stung at his eyes again and he had to hold onto his dad’s hand to keep from letting them fall. He hoped Hakoda didn’t realize how upset he was about the whole thing. He’d already run away from home; he didn’t need anything else working against him. Given how badly his pain level was that day, Shin gave him some more painkillers—he didn’t mention that he’d already taken them because the pain was just too great—and was somehow able to look more closely at what was happening. She pressed her fingers against places on his leg, asking a thousand questions and taking notes as she did things that made his leg hurt so badly it took everything in his power to not scream right there. In fact, he was fairly certain the only reason he had tears in his eyes at all was because of the pain response. He didn’t care to ask whether he felt like it was otherwise.</p><p>“All right, dear,” Shin started, sitting down on a stool behind her. “Because your pain was so accentuated today, I was able to kind of pin down where you’re having the most trouble, and I think I’ve got a rather clear idea of your problems. You see, I was right in my initial guess, that the worst of your pains were centered around the bones in the back of your shin, but it’s not the bones themselves which are damaged. Based on where you’re feeling it and how you described the pain, I believe you have sustained permanent damage to the muscles in your leg. It’s widespread, as you did break a lot of bones like you noted, but it does seem to be a lot worse down by your calf. Do you have any questions?”</p><p>“I—” He didn’t move when Hakoda wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into his chest. Sokka’s breath caught in his throat and he found himself unable to form words. That was it. The was the absolute worst-case scenario. He didn’t just have an injury, he had <em>permanent </em>damage in his entire leg. He squeezed his dad’s hand harder. “Is there anything we can do for it? Is it— can I still walk?”</p><p>“Yes, you’re going to be just fine for walking, light training, everything like that. Right now, I’d say your best bet is to keep up with the physical therapy exercises you’ve been doing to try and strengthen your leg. You might be sore for the next day or two from the fall, but this isn’t going to put you back much. Just keep doing your best and you might not get back to where you’d <em>like </em>to be, but you can get to somewhere a lot better than this.”</p><p>“Okay.” Sokka’s voice cracked on the word and he despised it. He sounded like a prepubescent child and he wasn’t. He’d almost taken charge of an entire tribe and yet he was sitting there acting like a baby because he had a little pain in his leg. He could work through it. It was fine. A little bit of pain couldn’t stop him from doing what he needed to do. Hakoda rubbed his back reassuringly, and he felt a little better. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Any time. That’s what I’m here for.” Shin smiled slightly before placing her papers back on the table. “All right, you’re good to go. Unless there’s anything else you wanted to talk to me about?”</p><p>He hesitated, not sure what he should say. Toph claimed that his heartbeat was off, and Sokka still felt badly sick to his stomach—it only got worse with the anxiety—but Shin hadn’t seemed to notice either of those things and would’ve said something if she did. His dad didn’t say anything either, leading Sokka to believe that it probably wasn’t that big of a deal, and if he didn’t want to say anything about it, he could probably get away with it. Was the irregular heartbeat and apparent shaking a cause for concern? Maybe. Or maybe it was just stress from everything else that was going on. It didn’t seem like something he needed to bother everyone else about. He could take care of it himself, just like he was trying to take care of everything else. Sokka glanced up at his dad for a second, hoping no one sensed that he was lying.</p><p>“Nope,” he said. “Everything is fine.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. Chapter Forty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zuko took a deep breath, inhaling the light smoke that swirled in the air around him. To most people, the scent would signal destruction or chaos, maybe even fear to those who had lost homes, belongings, or loved ones to the war. But to him, it was one of the most calming scents in the world; the sound of the flickering candles taking him almost to another world as he breathed in another long, silent inhale, gently exhaling all the smoke that entered his lungs and clearing his mind with it.</p><p>He didn’t get to meditate a lot those days, though he really wished that he could. There was just so much stuff to get done, so many people he needed to deal with, that he was rarely able to find the time. Even then, he was sacrificing the last of his prep time to be able to sit there and take the time for himself to think but no one was able to stop him. They didn’t know where he was, and he hoped they wouldn’t find him. He needed the time to sit and breathe, to work through his thoughts without anyone interrupting him. Zuko never actively tried to think when he was meditating but sometimes the thoughts came flowing into him, and he found that was the best time to figure out what he thought of things. It was easier to make decisions with a clear head, and to understand yourself better. He learned that a long time ago from someone important to him. Someone he really wished he could see right then.</p><p>It took a lot of convincing for Zuko to get his Uncle Iroh to believe that everything was okay. He’d grown concerned about the fact that things weren’t going well between the Earth Kingdom and the Fire Nation, particularly in regard to the negotiations regarding the colonies, and questioned whether Zuko needed him to come help figure things out. Zuko wrote a lengthy letter explaining exactly why he was fine, how he had other people on it—Sokka, who he finally name dropped as the friend who was visiting because dammit, he’d mentioned him enough that Iroh probably figured it out anyway—and that there wasn’t anything big enough happening for Iroh to leave his tea shop. For a moment, he was worried that he’d overplayed it and Iroh would figure out that he was basically asking him to come help, but he didn’t. Iroh accepted that Zuko was doing well on his own and gave him kudos for how well he was handling the situation with the colonies. Zuko almost laughed at that. He appreciated the sentiment, but his uncle didn’t know he’d had two—not one, but <em>two</em>—severe panic attacks after everything blew up in his face.</p><p>Speaking of, he didn’t know what Iroh thought about that, or if he did think about that, but sometimes he wondered. There was no reality in which he was going to tell him about it because it would just throw everything in the poor man’s life off track and Zuko loved him too much to do that to him, but still. Iroh was one of the few people who knew about Zuko’s panic attacks and he had for years. He was also one of the few people who was able to talk him through them. What he didn’t know about was Zuko harming himself, though he was fully aware of his self-destructive behavior. After all, it <em>was </em>him who made Zuko believe he was an angry drunk whenever he sneaked sake on the cruiser. He thought that was true for years, until Sokka revealed that he was just sad and he realized that while Iroh <em>said </em>he needed to stop drinking because he was endangering his crew, the truth could really only be a combination of two things. That Zuko was emotionally harming himself when he was out of it, and that his tears were painful for his uncle. It hurt too much to think about. He took another deep breath and moved on. Meditation was not about being sad, it was about being at peace.</p><p>The smoke swirled through his nostrils and around in his lungs until he exhaled again, his thoughts staying silent for several seconds before anything else came in. Sokka was in a lot of pain at that moment and he knew it. When he fell during their training at the beginning of the week, it gave him an awful shock and apparently injured something in his leg because he was walking really weird for the first two or three days after it happened, though he seemed to be recovering faster after Zuko insisted he spend more time lying in bed (yes, he was still working on a thousand things in said bed, but at least his leg was getting the rest it needed). Occasionally, Zuko would go in to check on him, and they would talk for a while. He always sat at the foot of the bed when they spoke, though something inside of him kept feeling the urge to go and cuddle right up to Sokka’s side. He never did it. Apparently he just wasn’t as confident as Sokka.</p><p>For the most part, they kept their hands off each other. Zuko still held Sokka’s hand when he got nervous, but they tried to stick to their mutual commitment to not do anything and even though Sokka broke that sometimes—kissing his temple when they were alone and Zuko was stressed, sitting a little closer to him than a normal friend would when everyone else left—Zuko felt like he couldn’t. He wanted to, to let Sokka know that even though they weren’t together and probably couldn’t ever be, he liked him too and he <em>wanted </em>to hold his hand and cuddle at his side and kiss his forehead, but he couldn’t. Something stopped him every time and he ended up walking away and doing nothing, which only worked to deter Sokka because he wanted to do what made Zuko comfortable and that, to him, was copying what Zuko did to match his level of closeness. From that, the only thing Zuko could think to himself was that anxiety fucking sucked.</p><p>Another long, deep breath flowed through Zuko as he took in the faint smoke that continued to pour in the air around him. The faint crackling of the candles was the only sound to be heard and it provided comfort in a way he couldn’t explain. There was more than just bad stuff going on for him then, such as the fact that he’d managed to bring the Earth Kingdom around. Not entirely, as they were still hesitant given what happened and given what Zuko’s family had done to them in the past, but they agreed to send representatives back to the Fire Nation as soon as possible, which landed him in a very important dinner at the end of that week. Or rather, at the end of that <em>day </em>because the week had already come and gone and Zuko was nowhere near prepared for a meeting with those people so soon. He didn’t have a choice so he couldn’t argue, but he wanted to. He wanted to get the fuck out of there and push it back because he didn’t know what he was doing, but after a long conversation with his advisors, he realized he had no choice. So, they were already arriving as he sat there, doing his best to calm himself down.</p><p>Somehow, meditation always worked wonders on him. Zuko never understood how it could do such a thing, given that it was basically just letting himself sit there and stew in his own thoughts, but when he was meditating, it wasn’t the same thing as just lying down and taking the thoughts. No, he found himself in a state where if he had a thought, he needed to resolve the thought so it could go away, and he could return to peace and silence. And somehow, though that seemed absolutely impossible on an average day, he managed to do it just fine when he was sitting on his own, a table of candles in front of him as he breathed deeply with his eyes closed; becoming one with the world around him. It was a sensation like no other. Relaxing in a way that nothing else could ever be. When all his thoughts were finally gone and he was left with nothing but silence in his mind, clearing away the broken thoughts to make way for rational ones, he felt better. He felt calm. He felt absolutely at peace with the world, with himself, with life as it were.</p><p>Which was why when the door suddenly opened, his eyes did too, wide in alarm. He nearly fell over backwards, leaping out of his thoughts as if something seriously loud had startled him, though it was actually rather quiet. The only reason he was bothered by the sound at all was because he was so deep into his focus, so used to hearing nothing but the crackling candles and the faint wind blowing against the glass, that any change at all was enough to get him out of it. Zuko sighed and turned around to see who found him, his expression not the least bit enthused. He raised his brow when he saw Mai standing there, her face flat but her eyes looking almost guilty for having startled him the way she did. Clearly, she understood that he was in the middle of something important, though that hadn’t stopped her from coming in. He gave her no pity.</p><p>“What are you doing in here, Mai?” he snapped, irritated from how quickly he’d been pulled from his session.</p><p>“I was looking for you,” she explained, crossing her arms against her chest, and closing the door behind her. “The Earth Kingdom representatives are starting to arrive, and nobody knew where you were. I thought you might be in here. Sorry I interrupted, I didn’t mean to scare you or anything.”</p><p>“You didn’t scare me; I was just annoyed that I was being interrupted. I kind of came in here to <em>not </em>do that.” He tried to turn around, hoping that if it looked like he was trying to start again, she would go away, but it didn’t happen like that. Zuko sighed when she opened her mouth again. “Mai, please. Just a few more minutes. Just leave me alone. Please.”</p><p>“I can’t leave you, Zuko. We need you out there and it’s really obvious you’re stressed as shit right now so letting you sit in here on your own and stew in your bad thoughts isn’t a good idea. I’m sorry, but I can’t trust that you’ll be okay if I leave you on your own like this. I can’t. Please just come out here and meet the Earth Kingdom reps. You have to look good for them, or else this is all just going to go to shit again. You know that.”</p><p>Zuko spun around again, crossing his own arms challengingly. They were mostly healed from everything at that point, though he could still feel a sting where he’d cut himself. He didn’t have the courage to ask Katara to heal it for him. “I do, but I also know that if I go out there before I’m ready, I’m going to turn it all into shit anyway. So, just give me five more minutes, all right? I need to breathe.”</p><p>“No. You’re not breathing; you’re feeding into your anxieties.” Mai walked over and knelt in front of him, her expression turning into one of friendship and compassion. “I know you, Zuko. I know you’re not going to get any better if you stay in here. We’re here for you now, all of us, and if you need any support, someone will be there. I promise. But you need to come out here now because there are a lot of angry Earth Kingdom people who want to know if you’re doing this or not.”</p><p>“I am doing it, I just— I don’t know. It’s a lot to deal with and it all came on really fast.”</p><p>“Yes, it is, and it did, but you got this, all right? I’m here, and so is Aang, Toph, Azula—we’re going to help you through this, Zuko. Come on.”</p><p>Against his better judgment, Zuko rose to his feet, quickly killing the flames on the candles before they turned to leave the room. Mai was right, there were people who were going to be at the dinner to support him, but not the right ones. He loved and cared deeply about Aang, Toph, and Mai, but the only reason he’d been able to invite them was because they were nobles from the affiliated nations and the Avatar. Zuko was happy to give them invitations and grateful that they were willing to come and support him during such a difficult time, but the only person he really <em>wanted </em>at that dinner with him wasn’t able to come. Because the person he really needed to be there, to hold his hand and help him answer questions when anxiety clouded his judgment and he had no idea what to do, was the same person that upset the Earth Kingdom reps so badly with nothing more than his presence. The same person who Zuko was sort of, maybe, very seriously falling for. Sokka.</p><p>After finding out that Sokka couldn’t come, Zuko almost penned a letter begging Iroh to come to the meeting and help him instead but decided against it after throwing several drafts at the wall. His uncle told him that he couldn’t be there at the last event thanks to what he did during the war, so what would be different about the meeting? It wasn’t worth the risk. Maybe Zuko wanted someone to hold his hand, to guide him through the negotiations and help him because he didn’t fucking know what he was doing, but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t rely on anyone else anymore. So, he was left with no Sokka, no Iroh, and a dozen angry Earth Kingdom representatives to deal with.</p><p>They headed out of the room and down the halls, Mai letting Zuko know about who they’d sent on the way. Apparently the Earth Kingdom wanted him to have a fucking heart attack because everyone they’d assigned was one of the representatives that stressed him out the most, and just thinking about having to sit in a room with those people and explain why he was not, in fact, a pathetic loser with anger issues, made him so nervous he thought he might not make it down the hall. However, a certain amount of his uneasiness disappeared when he turned one corner and found himself face to face with Sokka, who looked somewhat surprised to see him. Zuko noticed immediately that Sokka was standing on the ball of his foot on his left, bending it unnaturally, but he didn’t say anything. He understood.</p><p>“Sokka, hey.” He waved awkwardly, in a way that made even himself instantly wince. “Did you and the others find something to do tonight? I’m really sorry I couldn’t invite you guys, there was a whole debate about it, and my advisors decided it was better that—”</p><p>“It’s fine, Zuko, don’t worry about it.” Sokka waved a hand around dismissively, shrugging as if it were no big deal, though Zuko felt like an ass for letting it happen at all. “I was actually looking for you. I was going over some of your original plans for the colonies and I was thinking if we started on a slightly smaller scale, it might help the transition better, and they’d probably appreciate that for their people too. See, I was going over everything in my head, and out of the whole plan, step four is the harshest because that’s where we’re lifting the positions of power, right? A lot of people are going to be unhappy about that and moving into step five and eventually phase two, there’s going to be a lot of cultural shifts within the communities and for the people who decide not to move, that’s going to be a pretty big adjustment. So, my thought is—”</p><p>Zuko didn’t let him finish that thought. He leapt forward and wrapped his arms around Sokka, whose shining blue eyes went wide as he reached up to hold Zuko back. Though he knew he needed to move, to say something, to stop showing that level of affection in front of Mai who didn’t know, he couldn’t. He closed his eyes, his breath shaking against Sokka’s shoulder as Sokka nuzzled into his embrace. Sometimes he couldn’t believe they’d ever done anything in the first place and sometimes he couldn’t believe they hadn’t done it sooner. That they weren’t even <em>toying </em>with the idea of becoming something more than really, really close ‘bros’, as Sokka had said. This was one of those times. He didn’t pull away before he spoke.</p><p>“Come to the dinner,” he said, his voice quiet. “Please. I need you there.”</p><p>“I can’t. They don’t want to see me.” Sokka shook his head, his grip tightening around Zuko’s back as he lowered his own voice too. “You’re going to do fine, okay? You’re great at this. You’re way better than you think. I know you struggle when you’re talking to people one-on-one, but you are so good at giving speeches. You can do this. You just have to read the notes I gave you, all right? And I have more here for these proposals in case they don’t like what we have. You don’t need my support, Zuko. You can do this.”</p><p>“No, please, I need you. It’s not about your support. I mean, I really appreciate that, but I want you to be recognized for your part in this. This— This is fucking genius and I could never have done it without you. Seriously. You need to be in there and you know what? Fuck them if they don’t want you around. We need to give them one more chance to see that you’re worth it even though you’re from the Water Tribe. Aang will vouch for you and he’s the Avatar. Most of these guys love him. They might hate me but there’s a damn good chance they’ll listen to him. Please, Sokka. Just come. I need you there.”</p><p>Sokka hesitated for a long time before he spoke. “Okay. But if they treat me like shit again, I need you to promise you won’t get mad. We can’t risk it.”</p><p>“Fine, I swear, just come. Please.” Zuko sniffed and pulled away from him, his hands still around Sokka’s shoulders. He didn’t even realize how stressed he was until the comfort tears built in his eyes through the much-needed embrace. “I’m not joking, you’re a fucking genius. If you present these plans to them, they’ll understand why I wanted you there. The only reason they didn’t listen before was because I was being a bitch and skipping out on them and then I was being a jackass and yelling at them and they were all pissed off. It wasn’t you. I <em>know </em>it wasn’t you. You’re way too fucking brilliant for anyone to not want you around.”</p><p>“Okay, seriously, can you two just get a room already?” Mai rolled her eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh as she crossed her arms again. “We get it. You think he’s pretty and a fucking genius and based on the way he was groping your back, he’s into you too. Hooray. Good for you. Let’s just go to meet everyone now, all right? We’re going to be late and that’s just going to piss them off even worse.”</p><p>“I have to go tell my dad and Suki and Katara that I’m not coming with them to dinner,” said Sokka, clearly starting to sweat. “I’ll meet up with you guys in a few minutes, though. They probably want to see me as little as possible anyway.”</p><p>Sokka didn’t wait before turning and hurrying down a nearby hallway, hopefully planning to get back as quickly as possible. Zuko breathed out a deep sigh of relief as he watched him go, thankful that he was willing to give it another shot after everything that happened. Honestly, he wasn’t sure whether he would be able to control his temper or not, but he had to try. Sokka was the brains behind almost the entire plan at that point and Zuko didn’t want him to go unrecognized for that. Nor did he want to say something very stupid in the middle of the meeting because Sokka wasn’t there to correct him on his scrawly handwriting (not that he would make fun of Sokka’s handwriting, he thought it was great, but it <em>was </em>hard to read sometimes). Zuko actually almost smiled as they resumed walking towards the dining hall, only coming to an abrupt stop when something caught up with him.</p><p>“Wait, wait, wait. What the <em>fuck</em>?” Zuko whipped around to look at Mai, his face twisted in confusion. “You said I thought Sokka was a fucking genius <em>and </em>pretty. Why did you—? How did you—?”</p><p>“You told me when you were drunk,” said Mai, her tone dry despite the subject clearly requiring more seriousness. “You were all up in Sokka’s face and then you asked if I thought he was pretty and when I said ‘sure’ or something random like that, you told me you thought he was the prettiest person you’d ever met and even prettier than me.”</p><p>“Oh. Er, sorry you had to see that. I didn’t mean to say you weren’t—? I—”</p><p>“…and then you started apologizing because you’re ‘not supposed to like boys’ but went right back to calling him pretty again. Honestly, you were giving us all some very mixed signals. It’s hard to understand you when you’re wasted.”</p><p>“Sorry, I know.” Zuko bit down hard on his bottom lip, unsure of what to say. He didn’t understand how she knew so much about him liking Sokka and suddenly, everything was too much for him to handle. He froze for several long seconds before he finally spoke again, hoping he sounded more honest than he was. “I only said that because I was drunk. I didn’t mean it. I don’t— obviously, I don’t think he’s pretty. Boys aren’t pretty. We’re just really good friends.”</p><p>“Zuko, seriously, this is not the night.” Mai dropped a hand onto his shoulder, giving him a deadly serious look. “You’re gay. It’s fine. I love you. Let’s go.”</p><p>His eyes nearly popped right out of their sockets when she moved her hand down to his wrist, basically dragging him down the hall behind her. What was that? She was just <em>fine </em>with it? Sure, she’d claimed she would be before, but he didn’t know that she was being honest. Not until she did the coming out part for him and followed it up with nothing but love, support, and another urge to get out of there because she was right, they were running extremely late at that point. Still, even as they hurried down the hall, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.</p><p>“Wait, you don’t care?” he said, bewildered. “I mean, I don’t know that I’m actually— well, you know, but—”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s fine. I told you that before.” Mai’s tone wasn’t annoyed, just flat and matter of fact. “It’s fine if you like Sokka, you don’t have to beat around it. It’s pretty damn obvious you two want to be together. You basically already are.”</p><p>“No, we’re not. I don’t even know if he likes me.”</p><p>“After you called him pretty, he literally said you were cute.”</p><p>“That doesn’t mean he likes me, though,” Zuko argued. Sure, he had absolutely no idea how relationships were supposed to work, but he felt like it would be clearer than that if Sokka had a crush on him. “I mean, we’ve done some stuff, but we haven’t actually said we liked each other so it doesn’t mean anything.”</p><p>“Well, what do you mean by ‘stuff’?” asked Mai, not stopping her quick stride for a moment. She kept a hand around Zuko’s wrist too, as if she didn’t trust him not to stop again. “I know you’ve been holding hands and whatever but is ‘stuff’ like, hugging or fucking?”</p><p>“Hugging, yeah. Maybe a little more than that. We might have kissed a couple of times. But it didn’t mean anything. He told Toph we’re just bros.”</p><p>She nearly stopped in her tracks but recovered fast enough to not stall their stride. “You’ve been making out and holding hands and Sokka said you’re just bros. <em>Bros</em>. You’re hopeless. Literally, seriously hopeless. Both of you.”</p><p>Neither of them got the chance to say anything else before they reached the hall leading into the dining room, forcing Zuko to finally meet up with the visiting politicians. None of them seemed particularly thrilled to see him, but they weren’t outright rude either which made it slightly more bearable. He knew that if he were in a bad mood, everything would be shit, so keeping himself in a decent space of mind was critical. Mai stayed at his side for a few minutes, though she couldn’t babysit him forever and eventually left him to deal with everything by himself. Yes, his friends were scattered here and there, but they couldn’t do the talking for him. He had to stand there himself; trying desperately to cover up his shaking hands as he did his best not to freak out. If the Earth Kingdom representatives knew he was anxious, they would try and take advantage of him, and he couldn’t let that happen.</p><p>Within only a few minutes of talking, Zuko realized that they were not too keen to stick to his original plans. They moved too slowly, they said, and needed to speed everything up because they wanted the Fire Nation off their land as soon as possible. Zuko struggled to defend his reasoning for waiting three years to start kicking his plans into action, as what he’d been working on up to that point was mainly reworking his own government, but the Earth Kingdom didn’t care and saw that as a terrible excuse. Not that they said those words exactly, Zuko was just able to understand that was what they were talking about when they shot back at him for better explanations. Zuko tried to tell them that he couldn’t put the Earth Kingdom above his own nation because shit, those were <em>his people</em> they were talking about, but the damn politicians were selfish as fuck and demanded they be the number one priority. He lied and said they were.</p><p>Even Aang was struggling with the representatives and spent more time convincing Toph not to yell at anyone than he did talking to the Earth Kingdom folks. He did get a few smiles, when he recalled particularly eventful stories, but for the most part, it was a lost cause. They hated Zuko, and they hated his friends because they knew him too. Suddenly, he felt awful for asking Sokka to come, knowing that things weren’t going to turn out any better than they did the first time. The Earth Kingdom people he’d met in the past were never so awful and he knew that many had worked with Sokka in the past too, so he didn’t understand why they couldn’t stand him nor Zuko—okay, <em>maybe </em>Zuko, he and his family <em>had </em>done some bad shit to the Earth Kingdom in the past—or what they’d done to cause that. He just hoped they would be able to overcome it, running over to Sokka as soon as he returned. He was wearing a different outfit; one a tad more professional than he’d been in before and his hair pushed back more tightly. Zuko stared at him for a few seconds before he was able to actually make it over to where he was standing.</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka didn’t seem to notice how flustered Zuko was by his impeccable dress and approached with his arms crossed. He glanced around him, as if worried that someone was going to kick him out at any moment. “How’s it going so far? Any chance they like you a little better than before?”</p><p>“No, I’m pretty sure they all hate me,” said Zuko, shaking his head. “Do you have your new plans? I’ve been talking to them and I really don’t think this is going to work if we try and get right back to where they were. Apparently they think my plans are moving too slow and they’re not listening when I tell them that I have to do it this way for my people. Please tell me you have a way out of this.”</p><p>“I might. I have a few other ideas I can present tonight? I’m probably not going to be very good at it, but I tend to be a lot better in a strategy meeting than on stage so I can try.”</p><p>“Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are going to do so great and if you freak out just send it over to me and I’ll bullshit my way through something to keep them occupied until you get yourself together. All right? We’re going to fix this. I hope. Maybe. We’ll see. Come on, let’s go over and talk to them so you don’t just sit at the table and get them all confused.”</p><p>With that, Zuko turned back to resume discussion with the other politicians, greeting the few he hadn’t yet spoken to. Sokka followed his lead hesitantly, constantly looking over to Zuko for reassurance. He was clearly terrified of going back into the situation after everything that happened, but if there was one thing that Zuko had learned about him over the last few weeks, it was that facing his fears would be the only way he could get better. He was afraid of putting pressure on his leg and it held him back, he was afraid of opening up and it ate him alive, he was afraid of talking to the politicians and it could’ve cost him any recognition for the part he played in uprooting the colonies. Sokka was one of the most intelligent people that Zuko had ever back and he genuinely believed the only thing holding him back was himself and his fear of failure.</p><p>Though he wanted nothing more than a few more minutes to meditate and relax before they got into the real discussions, Zuko knew that there was no more time to waste and followed the others into the dining hall. He and Sokka exchanged one last glance before they parted for their respective seats, and Zuko was sure he wasn’t the only one who was terrified of what they were about to face. It wasn’t going to be easy in any sense of the word, especially not with everything that already went down.</p><p>But, he realized, they were doing it together. That made it a little less scary.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0045"><h2>45. Toph's Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Idiots. They were all idiots.</p><p>The politicians were idiots for one thing, because none of them had any idea what they were talking about. No matter what Zuko said, they argued that the Earth Kingdom came first (not realizing the hypocrisy of their statements), and no matter what Sokka said, they ignored him because he wasn’t part of either of the involved countries. The only reason Toph didn’t kick the shit out of any of them was because Aang kept giving her looks—or rather, subtle kicks to her shin which she assumed were accompanied by a look—which said not to, and she wasn’t in the mood to get into a screaming match in the middle of the table. So, she kept her mouth shut and sat there commenting as little as possible as she ate the stupidly delicious food and observed the idiots all around her. Because there were idiots everywhere, no matter which way she turned her feet. And though the politicians were pretty damn stupid, the two biggest idiots at the table were undoubtedly Sokka and Zuko.</p><p>When she first caught them making out, she figured they’d hooked up at some point since they’d last seen each other and didn’t think much of it; just awkwardly walked away because hanging out with them was significantly less appealing when they were trying to swallow each other’s tongues. It really wasn’t any of her business anyway. But the more she learned about it, the stupider the whole situation got because apparently, they weren’t even going out. They hadn’t even <em>acknowledged</em> that they liked each other, they just kept holding hands and making out and staring at each other when they thought no one was looking. (Of course, Toph was looking. She was always looking, unfortunate as it was when they got particularly oogie.) When Toph tried to tease them about it, Sokka was even more fucking oblivious and literally declared that they were just “bros”. Very close bros. Bros who sometimes made out and spooned and held hands under the table. Not that they could do it that evening because they weren’t seated beside each other, but Toph could feel Zuko’s fingers aching for the touch.</p><p>“Given that you’re not satisfied with the speed of the original plans,” Sokka went on, noticing but ignoring the people who were giving him sour looks, “Fire Lord Zuko and I have proposed a new concept which would put your people back into power in the colonies without uprooting the Fire Nation citizens right off the bat. So…”</p><p>It was easy to tell that Sokka was nervous. His voice cracked on the occasional word, his body shaking nonstop but not enough for the eye to see it; at least, Toph didn’t think so. But she could feel the slight vibration of his fingers as he pointed to what she presumed to be different colonies on the map, his heart pounding unnaturally quickly in a pattern that she couldn’t quite follow. She knew that something was wrong with Sokka, but he didn’t seem to be worried about it. The way his heart was beating wasn’t necessarily bad, and she honestly didn’t know what it meant at all, but something about it was just <em>off</em>. It beat in a strange rhythm; sometimes too fast, and sometimes just in a weird pattern, but she couldn’t keep up with it either way. After she talked to Sokka about it, she’d hoped he would pass on the information to someone else, but that didn’t seem to happen. He was still as bad as he was before, and there was no evidence that he’d taken a single step in the right direction. She made note to tell someone if he didn’t do it himself by the following night.</p><p>Sokka wasn’t doing anything for his mental health either and it was reaching a point where Toph wanted to just force him to get help herself. He was crumbling from the inside and repressing so hard that she didn’t think he’d even realized how bad it was. He mentioned to her at one point that he’d never had any anxiety attacks before, and only a few panic attacks, but considering he couldn’t recognize them, she doubted that. Toph feared he’d been having them for longer than he thought. But he liked Zuko a lot and when they were in the same room, Sokka’s heartbeat always slowed and he became more relaxed (unless Zuko did something that Sokka found attractive, in which case his heart raced even faster). He still just said they were bros, denying every single time that he had feelings for Zuko even though he continued to hold his hand, kiss his temple, and give him hugs at every opportunity. It was pretty much the least heterosexual thing that Toph had ever witnessed in her life.</p><p>“I do acknowledge that I was out of line with my tone last time we met,” said Zuko, following up a comment Toph didn’t bother to listen to, “and I apologize for any rifts that may have caused between us. Regardless of how you feel about me, this is not about myself, this is about our people, and…”</p><p>Though Zuko didn’t talk about himself much, at least not around Toph, and she found it difficult to know exactly what was going on, she had a feeling it was that same attitude that was digging his grave. Zuko put the people above himself, always, and she’d known that for ages, but it was reaching a point where it was unhealthy. The guy had always been really anxious, shaking pretty much the entire time they knew him (Toph was genuinely shocked that the others were ever scared of him, when he was clearly just a big, soft, awkward ball of nerves). He wasn’t eating enough, he wasn’t sleeping enough, and he just wasn’t taking care of himself at all. Toph did what she could to help him get better, but he just resisted everything that they did for him. Every try to bring him food, to cheer him up—at a certain point, she almost wondered whether Zuko even <em>wanted </em>to get better. He’d made jokes about being happier if he were dead before and though they’d always laughed it off as his dramatic angst, she was starting to believe they’d missed something a long time ago. After all, he’d gone through so much trauma. There was no way he was okay.</p><p>He was a big fat dumbass when it came to what to do about Sokka too. Toph spoke to him a couple times about it, not bluntly but trying to understand why he’d freaked out so bad when she busted them on it, and came to the conclusion that he was raised in a disgustingly homophobic household that gave him certain expectations of himself which he couldn’t meet. She understood, of course, having grown up in the Earth Kingdom, though her parents had never really been concerned about what she’d do regarding romance considering they were so busy making sure she didn’t choke on her water or trip over nothing. Zuko, on the other hand, would’ve been verbally and almost definitely even physically abused if he so much as <em>toyed </em>with the idea of potentially liking boys. Toph felt awful for making fun of them the way she did and understood why Zuko wouldn’t tell her more about it than a sentence at a time, but she wished she could do more. She wished she could help him realize that he and Sokka’s hand holding was not as heterosexual as she had jokingly said and that it was okay for him to feel what he did.</p><p>Toph jerked out of her thoughts when she heard the first crash of thunder. It wasn’t scary, and Katara mentioned earlier that it looked like a storm, so she wasn’t more than a little surprised by the sudden boom. However, she was thrown by how much Zuko flinched at the other end of the table when the sound echoed around the room, and realized he was more on edge than she thought. Figuring it wasn’t much to worry about, Toph decided to focus her efforts on Aang, who was being very annoying with his outdated Fire Nation lingo, and Sokka, who was having a serious health crisis and doing nothing about it. She’d been nice and bitter to him since she pointed it out, but Sokka hadn’t quite responded to her and forced her to back off, saying she had too much to deal with regarding his leg and he’d deal with the other stuff later. Toph wanted to keep pushing but understood that he was already overwhelmed and didn’t want to stress him too much in case it made whatever was wrong with his heart even worse.</p><p>A few more minutes passed through dragging political discussion and thundering roars outside the windows, and the longer it went on, the increasingly stressed Zuko became. He spent a bit with his hands gripping the edge of the table before placing them on top of each other and drumming his fingers rapidly; played with the hair outside his topknot far more than was professional; and bit down on his lip so hard even Toph could almost feel it. At first, she thought that it was the conversation getting to him, but it didn’t make sense on its own given that it was actually moving in a positive direction, so she focused on him more firmly to try and understand what was wrong.</p><p>It took another five or so minutes for her to finally recognize the pattern, which only increased her confusion and concern more. Zuko always flinched three to eight seconds before the thunder crashed. Every. Single. Time. It didn’t make sense to her at first, and she found herself concentrating on the fact that his heart rate increased significantly when someone beside him said something she couldn’t hear. That was the worst part about the presentation being over and dinner being served—conversations became more personal and she didn’t know what everyone was saying anymore.</p><p>The thunder crashed around them again, louder, and right on cue, Zuko flinched just before it happened; his breath catching in his throat as he gripped onto the edge of the table. Toph had no idea what the people beside him were saying but it went too far that time. She couldn’t let him wait it out anymore. Zuko’s heart pounding was one thing, and the shaking was hardly cause for concern given his constant levels of anxiety, but he couldn’t <em>breathe</em>. He was choking on every breath, pausing between them as he chose not breathing over wheezing in front of a whole table of people. Toph wanted to slap him, to bring him back from whatever delusion he was in, but she couldn’t. She was too far away on the other side of the table and was forced to turn to the next best thing. She kicked her foot out towards Sokka, sending the tiles on the floor shooting towards him.</p><p>“Ow!” he snapped quietly, leaning across the table. Thankfully, they were on the other end from the Earth Kingdom guys, so they likely couldn’t hear a word they were saying over their own chatter. “What was that for?”</p><p>“There’s something wrong with Zuko,” Toph hissed, leaning forwards onto the table as well. She felt Sokka’s posture stiffen, his shoulders sagging as his hands slid further towards the middle of the table. She didn’t wait for him to speak. “He’s been really on edge for the last twenty minutes or so but now he can barely even breathe. He’s shaking really, <em>really</em> bad and he’s like, literally choking on his own breaths. Something is really wrong. I don’t know how no one’s noticed it yet.”</p><p>“Shit, I have to get him out of here. Can you make a distraction?”</p><p>“I got it.” It was Aang, sitting to Toph’s right, who spoke with an urgent tone. When he looked up, however, he seemed nothing but cheerful. “Hey, everyone! Who wants to hear a story about how I solved a rift between nations in one of my past lives?”</p><p>He didn’t give them a chance to decline before he launched loudly into the story, drowning out any opportunity for someone else to cut in with more conversation. Immediately, Sokka slid away from the table and Toph did too, not wanting to be left out when she was the one who noticed something was wrong in the first place. They walked around each side of the table over to where Zuko was sitting on the end; his head tilted towards his untouched food and his hands still gripping to the table as if he were trying not to fall down. He flinched again and seconds later another blast of thunder roared through the walls. Toph was sure Sokka’s hand on Zuko’s shoulder was the only thing that kept him from completely forgetting how to breathe.</p><p>“Hey, come out here for a minute,” said Sokka, tugging on his shirt. Zuko didn’t move. “Please. We’ll be back before Aang’s finished.”</p><p>Somehow, Sokka managed to convince Zuko to go with them out into the hall, though they had to each grab on to one of his arms as soon as they left the room because he was so tense he could barely move. They both tried to get him to talk, Toph demanding to know what those stupid old men had said to him and Sokka just trying to get him to say anything at all, but it didn’t work. He barely even reacted to them, only flinching in that same strange pattern, always seconds before the thunder crashed and echoed through the halls. That was when it finally hit her and suddenly, Toph stopped, her eyes widening in realization.</p><p>“It’s the lightning. He’s scared of the lightning.”</p><p>Toph didn’t know exactly where Sokka led them after that, as she wasn’t familiar with the entire palace, but the walls around them were solid, leaving no windows to allow the lightning through. They stood back against one of the walls, helping Zuko to the floor as he slid his knees up to his chest. Sokka gripped onto one of his hands tightly, wrapping the other arm around his shoulders as Toph leaned into him; her arms wrapped around his. Zuko still said nothing, his heart pounding and his breath repeatedly catching in his throat, but he seemed to calm down once his friends were at his side. Eventually, he rested his head against Sokka’s shoulder, and Sokka pressed his head beside Zuko’s.</p><p>In all honesty, Toph hadn’t ever considered the possibility of those two getting together. Not because it didn’t seem possible or even because they were both boys, just because they didn’t seem interested. When they’d spent time together before, Sokka was with Suki, and Zuko was with Mai. They didn’t get heart flutters around each other before, the way they did now. Basically, considering everything she’d seen since arriving in the Fire Nation for that first event, Toph was pretty sure the two were dating and had been for a good long while, even if they denied it. They could say whatever they wanted, but she just couldn’t believe they could stare at each other for so long, touch each other so often, <em>literally spoon and make out</em>, and not even consider the possibility of entering a relationship. They were together, absolutely, they just didn’t know it yet or weren’t quite ready to acknowledge it.</p><p>The thunder kept shaking the walls around them, but Zuko didn’t flinch anymore. It was truly the lightning that was bothering him, and nothing to do with the sounds that came after it. Toph didn’t know what lightning looked like but she’d never thought of it as something to be feared. At least, not when it came from the sky, striking so far away in the distance. But that wasn’t Zuko’s experience with lightning, was it? He’d been shot at multiple times and almost died from the wound after he let it pass through his heart. Aang had been struck by lightning too and <em>had </em>died; both of them only being saved by Katara’s magic water. So, while Toph wasn’t sure whether a lightning <em>storm </em>was anything to be scared of, she wasn’t about to make fun of Zuko for being afraid. He had every reason to be anxious about it.</p><p>“Sorry.” Zuko’s voice was low, his breath still shaking slightly and preventing him from speaking clearly. “I— I’m sorry.”</p><p>“You’re all right, Zuko, we understand.” Sokka squeezed his shoulder above Toph’s arms, and Zuko let out a deep breath as he tried to calm himself down. “Are you okay? Can you go back in? Aang is distracting the Earth Kingdom guys but I don’t know how long he can keep them busy for.”</p><p>“It’s fine. I just— there are so many people in there expecting me to be something I’m not and I— I can’t— I don’t like the storm. I’m sorry. I know it’s stupid, I just— I can’t breathe.”</p><p>“It’s not <em>stupid</em>, Zuko,” said Toph. If there was one thing she hated more than anything else in the world, it was her friends putting themselves down when they deserved so much better. “Your dad <em>and </em>your sister tried to kill you with it. We’re not going to judge you for being scared. Plus— stop. No, shut your mouth right now. You don’t have to lie. We know you’re scared, and we’re here for you, all right? It’s fine.”</p><p>Zuko only nodded, leaning into Sokka when the latter turned to kiss his temple. Again, Toph found herself gagging at the sappiness, but she couldn’t help but smile too. They were happy together, even if they were too stupid and gay to realize they were literally falling in love. If they wanted to believe they were just bros who sometimes kissed and cuddled and held hands, just bros who eventually moved in together and probably shared a bed and kissed every morning before Zuko went off to work because Sokka was not a morning person and as far as she could tell, he wasn’t planning to go home any time soon, she would let them. Toph wouldn’t be a jerk to them for calling themselves “bros” but she wasn’t above calling them “boyfriends” either, since that was very, very clearly who they were to each other. Even if they were too fucking gay and too fucking stupid to acknowledge it.</p><p>“We should go back now,” Zuko started suddenly, already rising to his feet and dragging the others with him. “I don’t want those people to think I’ve run out on them again. They gave me a second chance but there’s no fucking way they’ll ever give me a third one.”</p><p>“It’s still storming.” She knew it wasn’t her place to go against the Fire Lord, but he was her friend first and a person of power second. She didn’t give a shit. “Are you sure you aren’t going to freak out again?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m not going to freak out again because I’m still freaking out right now. But we have to go. Whether you’re there or not, I have to be there.”</p><p>Toph tried to stop him, knowing that he wasn’t ready to get back into the situation thanks to how quickly his heart was still pounding, but Zuko was already gone. He didn’t look back to them as he hurried down the hallway, Sokka and Toph barely keeping up with his stride. They both called to him a few times, trying to convince him to at least take a second to relax before he went back into the room and freaked himself out with all the political discussions, but he didn’t. Zuko refused to listen to them until they were almost back at the dining hall and ran into Azula, at which point he stopped dead in his tracks. Toph stopped beside him, though Sokka moved a little bit ahead as if he wanted to protect Zuko despite his sister not having been offensive in weeks.</p><p>“Zuko, where the fuck did you go?” she snapped. “The Avatar is in there telling the stupidest stories to entertain everyone and honestly, it’s just ridiculous. Nobody wants to hear about how he made cakes with some old guy a hundred years ago. Get back in here, they’re going to want to talk to you again in minutes. You do know how important this is, right?”</p><p>He lurched back when Azula held a hand out towards him, his breath catching in his throat before it sped up dramatically. Sokka reacted faster than Toph could even register the movement, reaching out to grab onto Zuko’s arm before he stumbled over his own two feet. He pulled away after a few seconds and Toph realized that Azula must not have known that they were “bros”. Azula frowned, pulling her hand back as Toph slid in front of Zuko to give him a stronger feeling of safety. Confused as anything, Azula shook her head, but got an answer when another strike of lighting hit outside and Zuko flinched enough for her to notice. Toph was almost shocked that she didn’t immediately make fun of him. Instead, she took a step back, allowing him more space to relax.</p><p>“Are you all right?” she asked, her voice softer than Toph was expecting. “I’m really not trying to be a bitch, but this is really important.”</p><p>“I know, I just—” Zuko cut himself off when another bolt of lightning struck, the thunder shaking the walls around them but only enough for Toph to acknowledge. He took a deep breath, his entire body still shaking badly. “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to move away from you, I just— I can’t— stop. Please, stop. Please. Just stay back. I can’t do this right now; I have to get back in there. I can’t do this.”</p><p>“Zuko—”</p><p>“Don’t touch me!”</p><p>Zuko launched back when Azula held out a hand towards him, his chest rising and falling heavily. Toph reached out to steady him but he ripped away, shoving Sokka back too and sliding over toward the wall. Azula started to say something but Toph shut her off quickly, as Sokka hurried to Zuko’s side. It didn’t help. Zuko shoved him away again, wheezing with every breath as he clutched his loose strands of hair and pulled his knees into himself, twisting his hands over his ears when the next bout of thunder crashed all around them. Somehow, Sokka managed to pull him into his chest, but his heart was still pounding too fast, his hands shaking too drastically, and the one, half-choked sob that escaped his lips breaking Toph’s heart in two. She knelt down beside him, glaring at Azula when she tried to move forward.</p><p>“Are you okay, Zuko?” asked Toph gently, her voice quiet so as not to make things worse.</p><p>He nodded, but it wasn’t convincing in the least. “Fine. Can’t breathe.”</p><p>“Those two things do not go together. Hey.” Sokka slid a finger down his face, urging Zuko to look up at him. It took a second and only lasted two, but it worked. “Do you want us to tell them you’re done?”</p><p>“<em>No</em>.” Zuko lurched, pulling himself from his defensive position too suddenly and stumbling as he rose to his feet. Both Toph and Sokka moved to steady him, but he ripped away from them again. “I have to go back in there. I’m not fucking this up again.”</p><p>“Zuko, wait, you can’t—!”</p><p>He didn’t stop to listen to Toph. Despite how quickly his heart was beating and how much he was struggling to breathe, Zuko headed back into the dining hall; Sokka right on his trail. Toph stuck her tongue out at Azula as she passed by, flipping her off too, just for good measure. She knew that Azula hadn’t actually done anything to them <em>recently</em>, but she was still bitter about what happened during the war and she felt like she was entitled to one little bird before she followed the others into the room. Immediately upon entering, Toph noticed that Sokka had taken the seat to Zuko’s right, where Azula had been sitting before, and Zuko was already reaching out to hold his hand. They entwined only their little fingers at first, but eventually slid each of their fingers and their palms together too; Zuko gripping tightly onto Sokka’s hand. Azula was not pleased with this and stomped over to Sokka’s old seat, arms crossed.</p><p>The storm continued to rage outside but instead of freaking out and gripping the table when the lightning struck, Zuko held onto Sokka’s hand a little tighter. Toph could feel the difference in the two ways of coping. Before he was just stewing in a pot of his own anxieties, but when he squeezed Sokka’s hand for reassurance, Zuko relaxed instead of getting worse. Toph almost couldn’t believe that she hadn’t put the two together before, nor that they hadn’t thought of it either (to her knowledge, at least). She’d never considered the idea of them together as a couple until she’d felt them holding hands under the table—and making out in the courtyard that one time—but they were <em>so good for each other</em>. In the, ‘two dumbasses put together with the hopes they’ll find one braincell’ kind of way, but still. They made each other happy and in a time where they were stuck in such shit situations, that was something they really needed.</p><p>“If it’s all right, I’d like to be the first to put forth an apology,” said one of the men, who Toph hadn’t bothered to learn the name of. “Last time we were here, I was blinded by my desire to keep this issue between our two countries and my own age bias. I see now that you have an incredible skill set here, and if you’re willing, I would very much like to see you present your ideas on a grander scale. Maybe tomorrow, or later this week?”</p><p>This time, it was Sokka who froze dead in his seat. His jaw dropped as he stared at the person who spoke, not moving until Zuko squeezed his hand to ask him to respond. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, of course. Sure. When did you say? I don’t know if I can have something ready tomorrow, but can I do two days? I don’t want to present a half-finished idea when there’s so much at stake.”</p><p>“Yes, that sounds fine. Fire Lord Zuko? Is it all right with you if we gather in your meeting room to discuss this?”</p><p>“Absolutely.” Zuko nodded quickly, hesitating before he went on. Toph knew his lungs were still moving unnaturally, but she wasn’t about to tell anyone else he was on the tail end of an anxiety attack. “Yes, yeah. We can meet in the afternoon, two days from now? I don’t have anything planned then and I’m assuming you’ll still be here in the Fire Nation so if that works for everyone, we can have a solid presentation by then.”</p><p>“Great.” His tone was relieved, as if he thought Zuko might refuse. How little faith did those assholes have in him? “We can discuss this further then. I look forward to seeing what else you have to say, Sokka of the Water Tribe. Anyone have any more questions or comments before we break tonight?”</p><p>Sokka’s eyes did not close for the entire rest of the evening. He just kept staring no matter where he looked, clearly in shock over what happened. She suspected that he was also worried about it, given his less than desirable history with public speaking, but it wasn’t a big deal. He could get through it, she believed in him. And even more significant than her, she knew that <em>Zuko</em> believed in him and she had to admit, they were a pretty badass team. They hadn’t fought together much during their travels with Aang—at least, not around Toph—but whenever they trained, they absolutely kicked ass. It was almost unrealistic how well they worked together, almost as if they were always meant to be together and just hadn’t realized it yet.</p><p>Which was why they were so fucking stupid because the <em>universe </em>was telling them they were supposed to be together and they still didn’t get the hint. That or they were both so traumatized from things in their upbringing (she didn’t know what the Water Tribe’s views on same-sex relationships were, but figured they weren’t good considering how reluctant Sokka was to come out), that they were too terrified to ever consider making it official. She decided to go with the former. The latter hurt too much. So did the all too real thought of losing either of those two stupid gays (yes, she acknowledged that Sokka was bisexual and that Zuko hadn’t actually given her a label yet, but it was more fun to call them her stupid gays). When she first arrived in the Fire Nation, Toph knew that something was wrong with both Sokka and Zuko, but it didn’t seem like a very real threat. Just a few small problems. Sokka had a few demons, and Zuko was just a little more angst-ridden than usual. But their problems weren’t small at all.</p><p>There was every chance that something was seriously wrong with Sokka and his body would give out at any moment, just as there was every chance that Zuko’s last hanging thread would snap and he’d do something to himself that he couldn’t take back. Toph didn’t want to say anything, as she didn’t want them to know how it made her feel for the fear of making them feel worse and thus making the situation worse, but it scared her. Seeing Zuko in that apathetic, endlessly sad, and depressed state, and Sokka repressing so hard that <em>he </em>didn’t even know what he was hiding from anymore. She tried to help them, to do whatever she could to get them both the help they needed, but neither were willing to take it or even thought they needed it, and it hurt. It hurt because she couldn’t even see them and yet the sight of them tearing at the seams made her want to cry.</p><p>And that was the best part of Sokka and Zuko being “bros”. Because they were both in the shittiest places, both mentally and physically. Sokka was struggling with serious demons from the war and even beyond that, apparently had permanent damage in his leg from the sacrifice that prevented another genocide. Zuko had his own share of trauma in the past, specifically regarding that asshole Ozai, and he was doing such a poor job taking care of himself that even Toph could feel that he was wasting away. But when they were together, when they stopped thinking about all that stupid shit they’d been through in the past and just sat there in the present, sinking in each other’s company, they were so <em>happy</em>. Their hearts stopped racing except to flutter when they flirted, little smiles sneaked up their faces when they whispered things to each other, and they held hands for so long Toph thought they might never stop.</p><p>So, even though it was kind of oogie when she accidentally saw them kissing on the other side of a wall, Toph wanted to be the biggest supporter of their being bros, because the idiots deserved it, whether they were smart enough to figure it out or not. They deserved the way Zuko bit on his lip happily when Sokka complimented him, and Sokka’s whole body melted when Zuko returned the sentiment. They deserved to be able to hold hands and sit as close together as they wanted without fear of judgment because what the fuck did it matter if they were both boys when they made each other so happy? They went through so much trauma and so much bullshit through their lives, they were entitled to a little bit of love.</p><p>Toph resolved to be the one to clock anyone who tried to stop them. It didn’t matter if the problem was with some asshole or Sokka and Zuko themselves; no one would ever hurt her stupid gays again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0046"><h2>46. Chapter Forty-One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The rush of being asked to do a presentation wore off about five seconds after the conversation ended, at which point Sokka was too freaked about the fact that he’d actually have to <em>do </em>the presentation to even think about the fact they’d gotten over their bias. He could talk about his plans, sure, he’d done it at the dinner even. But he hadn’t done it standing up at the front of a room with everyone’s eyes on him. The very idea of doing<em> that</em> made his stomach churn and he almost thought he was going to have another stupid anxiety attack, but he didn’t. Somehow, he managed to stay sane for long enough to get out of the dinner, tell his dad, Suki, and Katara about what happened, and then flopped into bed flat on his face because the evening was long and he was overwhelmed as fuck. Public speaking? On the subject of something so important it could <em>literally </em>determine the fate of thousands of people? No, thank you.</p><p>He stayed in that same place, face down on his pile of pillows, until the sun came back up. When it did, he flopped right out of bed and rolled onto the floor, scrambling to get over to his pile of documents and scrolls because he needed to figure out what he was going to do for his presentation and he only had so much time. Sokka gathered all his things, dragging his leg in front of him with his arms and starting to pile things upon it and all around him as he prepared for a new work session. Before he started, he grabbed the bottle of painkillers and threw a couple of the tiny balls into his mouth, not bothering to see how many. They were small, he hurt, and he really needed the energy to focus. It wouldn’t kill him to take one tiny little extra pill. Especially not when his leg was already so stiff when he woke up that it fell asleep right after he sat down again. Not that he paid much mind to it—his brain was perfectly awake, so there was no point dwelling on his leg.</p><p>Sokka didn’t know how long he sat there working on his plans for, but he didn’t feel like it was long enough. He kept writing and rewriting things he already had, trying to make notes about the topics that he needed to talk about in the presentation. He only had one chance to get the Earth Kingdom people onto his side, onto <em>their </em>side, and he didn’t want to lose it to his terrible public speaking skills, however likely that was to happen. So, he did his best to write out a whole speech and read it aloud once or twice to make sure it sounded all right. It did, but he also wasn’t standing in front of a whole crowd of people, so it didn’t mean as much as if he were. Honestly, the more he thought about it, the more he found himself being torn because he didn’t know whether it would be better to stand in front of the whole group of people and fuck up or bail before that could happen. Before he could make his decision, he was cut off by a knock at the door, followed by the Fire Lord entering.</p><p>Though he’d looked half-asleep and bored when he stepped in, Zuko froze where he was standing in the doorway; his eyes wide as he looked Sokka up and down. Sokka frowned, confused as to exactly why he was being stared at. Yeah, he was fairly good looking, but he was also just sitting there doing absolutely nothing as he read through papers. He hadn’t even taken a comb to his hair yet, and yet Zuko stared at him for a good fifteen seconds, jaw slightly dropped, until he suddenly blinked and closed the door behind him, walking over to where Sokka was sitting. When he got a better look at Zuko’s face, Sokka stopped looking to him in confusion and instead just smiled, his face flushing, even though he had absolutely no idea what Zuko was looking at. He figured he was about to get another lecture about cleanliness like he’d gotten from Katara.</p><p>“What are you looking at?” he asked, his smile somehow seeping into his tone.</p><p>“Nothing!” said Zuko quickly, though his eyes continued to scan Sokka up and down. “I just— I— I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with your hair down when I wasn’t totally out of it before.”</p><p>“Wait, wait, wait.” Sokka couldn’t help but laugh a little, the smile growing wider as his face became warmer. “I thought you were looking at me weird because you didn’t like the way I have my things set up, but you’re just looking at me weird because you still think I’m pretty?”</p><p>“No! I mean, no. No, I don’t think you’re pretty. I was really drunk when I said that.”</p><p>“Can I tell you something though?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You said it when you weren’t drunk too.” When Zuko’s face turned red in embarrassment, Sokka bit his tongue, unable to keep the happiness off his face. It was weird to not have the weight of the world crushing on his shoulders, even if it was only for a minute. Except then he was brought back to the weird side of things when embarrassment overcame him upon realizing that he’d also forgotten to put on a shirt after he got out of bed. Apparently he was just <em>that </em>nervous about what he was going to do. Sokka almost said something about it, possibly even an apology, but chose a different route instead as he dragged a finger towards himself. “Hey, come here for a second, I want to show you something.”</p><p>Zuko stepped closer to him, moving around his things as Sokka reached both hands up to his face—the right careful not to touch his scar—and pulled his face down for a kiss. At first, Zuko was very, very thrown and sort of froze, but then he seemed to figure it out because he knelt down beside Sokka and eased into it; his hands still not knowing what to do until they found a place playing with Sokka’s hair. The moment only lasted a few seconds before they pulled away and Sokka dropped an extra kiss on Zuko’s forehead, but it was nice. It was really, really nice and it was one of those times that Sokka kind of wished they weren’t just bros because even though they <em>were </em>just bros and he didn’t even know if Zuko actually liked him as more than the first boy he ever kissed, he wanted it to be more. He wanted to be able to do that whenever he wanted without a real reason or corny intro to it, but it wasn’t that simple.</p><p>“That was—” Zuko sat down against the wall beside Sokka, blinking slowly before he went on. “That was really… nice? Is that the wrong thing to say? I liked it. You’re— you have really soft hair. Really, really soft hair.”</p><p>“Yours is softer,” said Sokka, still smiling but wincing at his inability to take such a compliment. “I mean, obviously it’s softer, you have the royal spa and everything and I just kind of comb mine but— well, you know what I mean. Sorry if that was weird. I know we’re not like, a thing or anything so I probably shouldn’t just be kissing you but it seemed like a good time and I guess no time is a good time since we’re just bros, but—”</p><p>He was abruptly cut off by Zuko launching forward and kissing him again. Their lips met more forcefully that time and he realized the difference was between him initiating the kiss and Zuko doing it. It was the first time Zuko <em>had </em>done it, actually, not counting when he was drunk and completely out of his mind. Sokka couldn’t help but smile against his lips. His hands slid around Zuko’s waist, pulling him closer as he tugged at the hem of the Fire Lord’s shirt. Their hair was all over each other’s eyes but neither of them said a thing about it, just staying right where they were until Sokka made the executive decision to take things one little step further and pressed himself toward Zuko, pushing him to lean back as the papers on the floor crackled below him. He slid his hands around Zuko’s stomach instead, his fingers still pressing between the hem of his shirt and the waistband of his pants, but he didn’t go any further. He didn’t <em>need </em>to go any further, he was just leveling the playing field a bit since he was already shirtless and Zuko was fully clothed.</p><p>After a few moments on the ground, Zuko slid his hands up and pushed Sokka’s hair back behind his ears, holding it there as their bodies stayed close from their shoulders to their waists, at which point their legs only split because Sokka was straddling Zuko and doing his best to ignore the fact that they were rolling around on his work. That side was the pleasure section anyway, so not only did this fit right in, nothing too important was there. Zuko laced his fingers together around the back of Sokka’s head, both holding his hair in place and holding <em>him</em> in place so he wouldn’t move, and he could keep sharing the soft taste of tea on his cheeks. Sokka slid his hands all the way around Zuko’s back beneath his shirt, feeling each and every all-too-notable bone as he pulled him in closer. That was what bros did, right? They kept their bros close. Because even if Zuko <em>didn’t </em>actually have real feelings for him and just liked making out with guys, they would still be friends. Always.</p><p>“Ow, <em>shit</em>.”</p><p>Sokka twisted away from Zuko suddenly, the throbbing in his leg lessening as he rolled back, lying on his back beside Zuko on another pile of papers. Zuko looked to him with a concerned expression on his face, opening his mouth to ask if he was okay, but Sokka wasn’t in the mood. He just gestured to his leg and reached up to Zuko’s neck, wrapping his hands around it as he pulled him in for one last kiss to distract from the fact that he’d fucked himself up again. Not that he could ever stop it. Zuko pushed Sokka’s hair from his face again, his cheeks flushing bright pink when Sokka pulled away after pressing their foreheads together for a good five seconds. He liked Zuko. That was a fact, and he was long past accepting it, he just didn’t know for sure whether Zuko liked him too, or if he was really okay with it if he did. Sokka almost said something, almost asked, but ended up changing his question at the last minute for reasons he couldn’t explain.</p><p>“Sorry, that got away from me,” he said, his face burning. “Did you need something? I mean, I’m pretty sure you didn’t come in here for that.”</p><p>“No, but if I knew that was going to happen I would’ve come sooner.” Zuko’s eyes went wide after he spoke, and he bit his bottom lip sheepishly. Maybe it <em>was </em>realer than Sokka thought. “I mean, yeah, I did come in here for a reason. I just noticed you weren’t at breakfast and I didn’t have any meetings so I thought I would come in here and make sure that everything was okay. <em>Is </em>your leg okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”</p><p>“Oh, no.” Sokka shook his head quickly, swinging his leg back to where he’d been sitting before after Zuko pointed it out. “It’s my fault, I was bending my knee weird when I was— yeah. It wasn’t you. And I’m fine, yeah, I was just working on my presentation for tomorrow. As you are well aware, I pretty much suck ass at these kinds of things, so I wanted to make sure I was really prepared. Probably should have come to eat something, though. Sorry.”</p><p>“It’s fine, I can’t really say anything about it. Like I said, just thought I would come by and make sure you were all right. I didn’t really expect… that. Not that it was bad! It was… nice. It was really, really nice. I—”</p><p>“Zuko, I have to ask you something.” He did it. The words were out of his mouth and all he had to do was say the next ones. Ask Zuko what <em>he </em>thought about them, not just as bros who kept making out but as… <em>them</em>. Sokka took a deep breath and looked right into Zuko’s eyes which, for once, did not look away. “I know we’ve kind of been beating around the bush here, and I guess I was just wondering whether you maybe wanted to—”</p><p>Of course, when he finally worked up the nerve to ask whether the guy he was kissing wanted to actually, properly go out with him another knock tang on the door and Sokka tried to get up to answer it, only for his leg to move too slowly and stiffly. Zuko gestured to him and ran over to the door instead, swinging it open to reveal none other than Hakoda on the other side of it. He furrowed his brow when he saw Zuko, then turned to look at Sokka who was suddenly very aware of the fact that he was shirtless and with messy hair. It wasn’t a big deal though, right? His dad thought he was only into girls, so he wouldn’t put two and two together. He was smart, but he wasn’t get-into-a-teenager’s-brain-and-understand-their-romances smart. Sokka nodded to himself. It might be a little awkward, but he was mostly sure he was in the clear.</p><p>“Hey, boys,” said Hakoda, smiling a little too wide at them both. Something about his tone was odd, but Sokka couldn’t quite tell what it was. “What are you working on in here?”</p><p>“I was just getting stuff ready for my presentation tomorrow,” Sokka answered, dragging his leg back in front of him. “It’s coming up really fast and I don’t want to fuck it up, so. Zuko just came in here to make sure I got something to eat. I kind of just rolled out of bed and started working on it. I didn’t even remember to get dressed. Guess there’s a lot going on here right now, huh? It’s like the fate of the world is on my shoulders. Wow. Is this how Aang felt when he was getting ready to go against your dad?”</p><p>“Pretty sure that was a bigger responsibility than this,” said Zuko, “but sure. Didn’t you say he had some dream about facing my father, but he didn’t have any pants on and there was a school test or something? I’d put it more on <em>that </em>level than— okay, I’m rambling. Sorry.”</p><p>“It’s all right.” It wasn’t Sokka who spoke but his dad, walking over to where he was sitting near the wall. He gazed down to his outstretched leg; his brow furrowed in concern. “Is your leg all right, Sokka? Does it feel any better today?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Actually, it was, but then he decided to straddle Zuko and he’d sat on his knee in a weird way for too long that fucked up the top of it all over again. Not that he was going to admit <em>that </em>to his dad when he wasn’t even able to say he was bisexual in the first place. “Yeah, it’s fine. It’s a little sore but I think… I think I just slept on it a little weird.”</p><p>Zuko’s face went pink when Sokka glanced over at him. Maybe it <em>was</em> better they kept things between themselves for a while, if only for the adorably flustered look the Fire Lord got on his face every time they were nearly busted.</p><p>“Okay.” Hakoda nodded, but he didn’t look fully convinced. There was something <em>off </em>about the look in his eyes, but it was impossible to identify as more than concern. “Well, I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. I’ll talk to you after your presentation, all right? You’re going to do amazing.”</p><p>Sokka only forced a smile. For one thing, he didn’t believe that one bit, and for another, he was pretty sure whatever his dad wanted to talk to him about was going to be ten times scarier to handle.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When the time finally came for his presentation, the only goal Sokka made for the event was “don’t have another anxiety attack”. He still wasn’t sure what triggered them, or how exactly he was supposed to know that they were happening, but he was nervous as anything and he knew that if he had an anxiety attack while he was standing in front of a room filled with politicians, he’d be fucked. Not just him, but Zuko, the Fire Nation colonies, and all the citizens who lived in them. There was so much at stake and he told himself that as a reminder that he needed to do a good job, but for some reason, it just made him panic worse and that only got confusing because he didn’t really understand <em>why </em>he was panicking because nothing in his brain made sense anymore.</p><p>He took a deep breath, adjusting his outfit again and reaching down for his comb. They mentioned age bias during the dinner and if there was one thing Sokka knew, it was that he did not look older than he was. Maybe a little bit, from the war and everything they’d been through, but not enough to make them confident in him. Not enough for them to believe that he was capable of doing what he was supposed to without a proper outfit. So, he pulled out his most formal Water Tribe wear—which wasn’t <em>that </em>great because he hadn’t exactly packed for his occasion, but he tried—and did his hair in the cleanest wolftail he could muster; ignoring the few strands that always fell out regardless of what he did. It wasn’t the best he could’ve looked, though he wasn’t sure if that was true or if he was just anxious as shit and wouldn’t be happy with anything he did. Sokka sighed, reaching down to grab his wrappings to finish the look, then froze, his eyes scanning the room frantically.</p><p>They weren’t there.</p><p>Sokka swallowed hard, trying to get himself to calm down. It wasn’t that bad. They had to be in there somewhere, he just didn’t remember where. Sokka brushed his fingers against the scars on one arm for the briefest moment—wincing when he moved from the scattered marks on his shoulder to the lines on his forearm—before his stomach churned and he moved to resume his search. He needed to find them. He couldn’t do his presentation if he didn’t find them. He tore apart his room, throwing his clothes around, tossing away every scroll, and dragging each blanket and pillow from the bed before searching beneath it. It wasn’t there. Sokka’s chest was pounding at that point, his chest rising and falling so heavily it hurt and his heart pounding fast enough that he could <em>feel </em>the irregular beat. He slid down against the wall, his hands on either side of his head as he squeezed his eyes shut and clutched the ends of his hair. It was over. He was done. He couldn’t do it. He <em>failed</em>.</p><p>“Hey.” He felt the warm hand on his shoulder, but he couldn’t get himself to look. He didn’t have to look. There was only one person whose hand was ever that warm. Whose voice was ever that lovely. “Sokka. Sokka, are you okay? What happened? <em>Sokka</em>.”</p><p>“I can’t do it,” Sokka choked out. He blinked once, but snapped his eyes shut again when he saw Zuko’s face, shaking his head quickly. He should’ve been focused on the burning in his lungs but all he could think about was the fact that he failed <em>again</em>. “I can’t— I can’t go out there, I can’t— I can’t find my wrappings and I can’t do it without them. I can’t.”</p><p>“Sokka. <em>Breathe</em>.” Zuko took a long, exaggerated breath, one hand still gripping Sokka’s shoulder. Sokka tried to ignore the sensation on his cheek. The Fire Nation was hot. It had to be sweat. “It’s okay. They’ll understand. Everyone in there knows what you did. They know that you fought and so many people in there did too. Your scars are nothing to be—”</p><p>“<em>They’re not from the war</em>.”</p><p>His voice was hoarse, scared, and thick with emotion, coming out more as whining than anything else. For a moment, he thought that Zuko was going to leave, that he would be so disappointed in Sokka that he’d cancel the presentation and go in his place, but he didn’t. A good ten seconds passed without a thing after Sokka spoke and then, out of nowhere, Zuko’s arms wrapped around him and pulled him into an embrace. Sokka let out a choked sob as he pressed his head against Zuko’s shoulder, all but <em>begging </em>himself to relax. He turned into Zuko’s collarbone, hoping he could at least hide the tears from himself if not anyone else.</p><p>“It was— it started when my leg was broken,” Sokka went on, wrapping his arms around Zuko’s waist and clinging to him for life. Zuko didn’t say a word to encourage him when he paused to take a breath but didn’t tell him to stop either. “They were rebuilding the village and making plans for our new lives and I just— I felt <em>so fucking useless</em>. I couldn’t— I couldn’t do <em>anything, </em>and I didn’t mean to do it, but I was sharpening my club and I hurt myself and I couldn’t stop. Every time I did something bad I just kept doing it again and again and I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t— it’s been almost two years now but sometimes I still want to do it and I can’t go out there without my wrappings not because I don’t want people to see but because I <em>know </em>if I look at— if I mess up and then I look down and I see them, I’m going to do it again and I can’t— I don’t want to do it anymore. I can’t do it again.”</p><p>“I know how hard it is.” Zuko shifted his arms, one hand moving to the back of Sokka’s head and stroking his hair gently. They both took another long breath, Sokka following Zuko’s as he tried to get himself back under control. “I know— I know that once you start, you can’t— I can’t stop. Whenever I get upset or I start panicking or I feel like I did something wrong, I burn myself. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know if I can— it’s okay to be scared, Sokka. I know. I get it. You don’t have to hide from me.”</p><p>“Okay.” It was the kiss Zuko pressed to his temple that finally broke him. He took a breath, shifting to hide his tears in Zuko’s tunic. Zuko responded only with a sniff as he pulled Sokka in closer. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Somehow, his tone sounded genuine, and Sokka managed to nod against his shoulder. “Do you want me to find you something else to wear? With longer sleeves?”</p><p>“Please.”</p><p>“All right.” Zuko slid back despite the hands still clinging to him, dragging his thumbs over Sokka’s face. He hesitated before pressing a kiss to Sokka’s forehead, but there was no need for it because that gesture was the softest that Sokka ever felt. “Just keep breathing, okay? You’ll be fine. You’re going to do great out there. I’m sure of it.”</p><p>That was the last thing he said before giving Sokka one more hug and leaving him on his own to calm down. He took a few long, deep breaths as he repeated the things that Zuko said to him over and over in his mind, trying to convince himself that it would be okay. Even if he didn’t truly believe in himself, Zuko believed in him and that was enough to get him to relax. By the time Zuko returned with a new shirt—a Water Tribe one, surprisingly, and it took Sokka a moment to realize Zuko must’ve gotten it from his dad—he was leaning back against the wall, one keg stretched in front of him and the evidence of any tears wiped clean from his face. He accepted the shirt, hug, and offer to squeeze Zuko’s hand without hesitation. It took a few more minutes before he felt ready to stand up, but he did it.</p><p>Sokka managed to keep himself steady he walked out in front of the table filled with people, at which point his breath caught in his throat and his heart immediately began to beat faster again; his palms sweating onto the papers piled within them. Out of the dozen or so people staring back at him, only one had issued a proper apology and though a few from both nations had been pleasant to Sokka in the past, he didn’t know whether he could trust them not to cut him off. It made it even harder to think about what he was doing, because every word in his mind suddenly didn’t feel good enough. He didn’t know if his plans really <em>were </em>as good as he thought. Sokka was just about ready to turn around and get out of there, only to stop when he saw that Zuko was giving him a look; his fingers twisting to let him know that it was okay. That, no matter how scared he was, he could do it.</p><p>It didn’t mean he was going to do it well, in any universe, but Sokka did his best. He tripped over his words, tripped over his leg, and even tripped over absolutely nothing, yet no one called him out on it. The only thing they acknowledged was his incredible plans, which he’d feared would be overshadowed by his acute inability to speak to a crowd. Sokka did his best when they asked him questions, because he felt like he was just addressing one person instead of trying to explain everything to the entire room of stoic old men and women (not counting Zuko, who kept giving him reassuring nods). And he did his worst when he started pacing as he spoke and stumbled over his leg, only to get a shooting pain in it and feel the aching take him over. He didn’t actually fall or anything, but for the longest time, it felt like he was going to, and it was difficult to speak during that long three minutes. It was difficult to even <em>see</em>, but somehow he managed to compose himself and held it together for long enough to get through the presentation—and not a minute longer.</p><p>The moment his part was over, Sokka excused himself from the meeting room and stumbled out into the hall. Zuko followed him, giving him the biggest hug in the world, and reassuring him that he did great before heading back into the room to deal with everyone. Sokka felt bad leaving him to end the meeting on his own, but his head hurt, his leg hurt, and all he wanted was to lie down. Of course, it couldn’t just be that simple. First, it took him longer than it should have to walk back to his room because of the aching in his leg, and then he walked in to find there was already someone waiting for him. Sokka did remember his dad saying they needed to talk but he wasn’t expecting him to want to talk right away. He hoped he could get at least a little nap in first, but clearly, that was asking for too much.</p><p>“Hey, bud. You need some help?” Despite Sokka’s adamant protests, his limping must’ve been too obvious because Hakoda practically lifted him on the bed himself, even setting up some pillows for him to rest his leg on. He felt stupid, but he didn’t say anything. He knew his dad only wanted to help. Once he was settled, Hakoda leaned back against the pillows beside his son, an unreadable expression on his face. “Did your presentation go okay?”</p><p>“I know that’s not what you want to talk to me about.” Sokka’s voice was flat, and he almost felt bad for how blunt he was, but he couldn’t beat around the bush. The anxiety was already choking him, his heart pounding and his stomach churning unnaturally. “My presentation was fine. I tripped a lot, but everyone seemed sold. What do you want?”</p><p>“Okay.” Hakoda let out a breath, glancing down to his son’s leg before wetting his lips and turning to face his gaze. Sokka looked away. “Toph came to see me this morning. She’s really worried about you.”</p><p>“She shouldn’t be. I already told her that I’m fine.”</p><p>“She said you got a problem with your <em>heart</em>, Sokka. That is not fine. And what’s even <em>more </em>concerning is that she told me you’ve known about it for over a week and you haven’t said a word. I know it’s hard, bud, but you got to tell us what’s wrong. Please.”</p><p>“Nothing is wrong, I’m <em>fine</em>,” Sokka snapped. He just wanted a nap. No confrontations, no more grouchy politicians, just a nap. Just a few minutes of quiet because he was tired and stressed and dammit, he felt like he deserved it. But apparently, he wasn’t allowed to have that. “Just stop. Please. I can’t do this right now. I just want— I just want to take more painkillers and try to fall asleep.”</p><p>“Painkillers?” For a second, Hakoda’s face was twisted in confusion, and then it fell like a rock. His eyes went wide as he shook his head, his words coming out quieter than before. “Oh, Sokka. No. Please tell me I’m wrong about this.”</p><p>He didn’t hesitate. “Whatever you’re thinking, you’re wrong. I’m fine.”</p><p>“How many painkillers have you taken today?”</p><p>“I—” Sokka cut himself off, slowly shaking his head. It wasn’t that many, or it didn’t <em>feel </em>like that many, but then he remembered how many he was <em>supposed </em>to be taking, and his heart skipped a beat. He took a deep breath. The numbers were irrelevant. They weren’t hurting him. His <em>leg </em>was hurting him, and they made it feel better, even if he did seem to be building up a tolerance. “I don’t remember but it— it doesn’t matter. I’m fine.”</p><p>“You have to stop saying that. It’s not true. Where are the painkillers now?” It was his gaze that gave away the answer. Hakoda immediately reached around and took them from the bedside table before Sokka could even get his leg to move. His eyes went wide with fear, his arms already reaching out to take them back. The very <em>idea </em>of not having them made his heart beat even faster, his breath catching in his throat. Hakoda pushed him away, holding the bottle out of his grasp. “<em>No</em>. Sokka, stop it. You cannot take these anymore.”</p><p>“You don’t understand, Dad. It <em>hurts</em>. My leg and my— <em>everything hurts </em>and they make me feel better, <em>please</em>. I need them. I know I’m taking too many but they’re not hurting me, they help. <em>Please</em>.”</p><p>“<em>No</em>, Sokka. You’re done. You are <em>not </em>taking these anymore. You’re going to kill yourself.” That was the reality check Sokka needed. He couldn’t stop the sob that escaped from his lips when his dad dropped the painkillers into his lap and reached around to pull Sokka into his chest. He should’ve been focused on the comfort but all Sokka could think about was the fact that his crutch was gone. “It’s okay. We’re going to figure this out, I promise, but you can’t just be relying on these anymore. It’s not healthy.”</p><p>“But it <em>hurts</em>,” Sokka mumbled, an <em>awful </em>sound leaving his mouth as he gripped the back of his dad’s shirt. The <em>only </em>positive to the situation was that his eyes were so wide with shock, he couldn’t produce any real tears. “Please, Dad, I need them. I need— if you take them away from me, I’m just going to get more. I know where they are, and I can— I can get more so there’s no point to taking them so just let me have them. <em>Please</em>.”</p><p>“No, you can’t get more, because I’m going to take you home where you won’t have access to them anymore. You— Sokka, <em>stop it</em>.” The words were just harsh enough to get Sokka to stop trying to pull away, stop begging him to let him stay and help Zuko, instead melting into his dad’s grasp. He had to give up. He couldn’t move in his dad’s arms. He had to give up. His chest <em>burned </em>with every breath. He had to give up. He couldn’t cope without the painkillers. It was all too much, and he didn’t know what to  do anymore. “I <em>know </em>you’re struggling, and I <em>know </em>you’re hurting, but this is not the solution. All you’re doing is making it worse. And I know that I can’t force you to leave but I can’t let you keep doing this either. I can’t just let you hurt yourself. When something is wrong, you don’t go to the pills. You talk to us. Please. I can’t lose you, Sokka.”</p><p>Sokka only managed to nod in response. He couldn’t make any verbal promises.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0047"><h2>47. Chapter Forty-Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Following three days of intense conversation about what to do regarding the colonies, Zuko had no intentions of speaking to anyone for at least a good ten hours after the Earth Kingdom representatives finally left. He’d cleared his schedule immediately following their arrival, given that he didn’t know how long they would be there for or how much time they would need for their negotiations, which left him with nearly a full day with no plans once they were gone and therefore, plenty of time to relax.</p><p>The first thing he did was look for Sokka, but when he failed to find him, he gave up and went straight to his bed to flop down for a good three hours; finally getting the nap he’d been wanting for <em>months</em>. Once he woke up, he stumbled over to his desk and wrote out a lengthy letter to his uncle to let him know what was going on with everything, and make sure that he knew everything was okay. At least, it was okay with the Fire Nation. Zuko still couldn’t shake his perpetual feeling of sadness nor his lingering sense of shame, but that wasn’t something that his uncle needed to know about. Iroh was running his tea shop and living his absolute best life. He’d already spent three years taking care of Zuko’s pathetic, anxious, overbearing ass. He didn’t need to go back to that life after he’d finally found something he was happy with. After he finally made it to the place he’d always wanted to be—serving tea and making friendly conversation with strangers.</p><p>Still, Zuko ached to see him. Sometimes he considered asking Iroh to visit, but he knew he couldn’t do that without giving away what was going on. Not necessarily in his letters, but in his mannerisms and behavior. He knew that, to anyone who’d known him longer than a day, his issues were obvious and would get in the way of anything and everything he did. Even he couldn’t stop noticing them, occasionally becoming overwhelmed by how badly his hands would shake when he was nervous, or how much he played with his hair and bit down on his bottom lip. Most of those things he hadn’t even noticed until Sokka pointed them out—in a harmless way, sometimes even because he thought such mannerisms were <em>cute</em>—but once he became aware of them, he couldn’t get them out of his mind. He was anxious as anything almost all day, every day and he couldn’t let Iroh see him like that because his uncle wasn’t stupid and one look at Zuko would tell him everything he needed to know.</p><p>But <em>fuck</em>, he wanted to see his Uncle Iroh.</p><p>After he finished his letter and dropped it in a safe place to send out in the morning, Zuko flopped back into bed, not knowing what else to do. He just wanted to relax, to take some time for himself for once. For a moment, he considered going to meditate, but decided that was too much effort and shifted deeper into the pillows, his eyes drifting shut. Sleep was never easy for some reason, but it got simpler when Sokka was at his side. He couldn’t explain it. Maybe it was something to do with having someone beside him, or maybe he just really liked Sokka. He didn’t know, but he was fully aware of the fact that he couldn’t sleep with his face in the pillows. Zuko groaned and turned to lie on his left side, his gaze facing the window. He never woke up in the same place but having one eye on that entrance when he fell asleep made him feel better for some reason. Not that he actually got the chance to fall asleep that time, of course.</p><p>The knock at the door was so brief and so quiet that Zuko was barely able to register it happened before the door suddenly swung open and he shot up in response. His head spun from moving so fast, and it took a second for him to get his bearings before he realized that it was Sokka walking into the room. Zuko sat up quickly, almost expecting his friend to try and drag him to dinner, but he didn’t. Instead, Sokka only stood there, staring at Zuko with an unreadable look in his eyes. He blinked his bloodshot eyes a few times, chewing on his left thumbnail and twisting his right hand around uncomfortably.</p><p>“Hi. Sorry.” Sokka’s voice was shaking, but it wasn’t clear why. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”</p><p>“Yeah, of course.” Zuko shifted further to one side of the bed, making more space for Sokka to sit down. Given what happened earlier, he thought Sokka would try and follow up on his confession from before the presentation, but he said nothing as he sat down. Zuko reached for his hand. Sokka squeezed it tightly. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“I’m fine, I just— I was just talking to my dad. Well, a few hours ago because I fell asleep at some point but, we— he thinks I should go back to the tribe.”</p><p>“Well, yeah, obviously you should go back to the tribe. That’s your <em>home</em>, Sokka. As soon as we finish what we’re doing with the colonies, you— you mean now.”</p><p>Zuko’s heart dropped into his stomach. Sokka was the only thing keeping him sane. Sokka was the only thing keeping him on a schedule. If Sokka left, he didn’t know how he was supposed to function anymore. He mentally kicked himself for that. Sokka was <em>not </em>there to baby him. He was a person with his own life and struggles and Zuko relying on him for so much could only be making things worse. He looked down to Sokka’s hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb as he tried to kick the thoughts out of his mind.</p><p>“Not <em>now</em> now,” Sokka assured him quickly, but his voice cracked, and he gripped Zuko’s hand even tighter. There was something Sokka wasn’t telling him. “You have that thing where you’re going to announce all the plans, right? I’m going to stay for that so at least another week but my dad, he— he’s really worried about me and my— my leg and he has to go home and he asked me to come so he could keep an eye on me. He— He knows I’ve been neglecting my injury a lot and he wants me there with him so he can monitor how many— how I’m taking care of it.”</p><p>“Okay. That’s good.” His tone was not convincing in the least, but he tried. He tried <em>so hard </em>to be supportive. To be the person Sokka needed at that moment. “Don’t feel bad, okay? You’ve already done so much for me here and it— do whatever is best for you. Don’t ever feel held back by anything here.”</p><p>Sokka nodded. “I’ll talk to you more about it tomorrow, all right? I have to go find my dad and Katara so we can figure out what we’re going to do or when or… yeah. I’m sorry for bringing this on you so suddenly. We’ll figure everything out before I leave. I promise.”</p><p>It was the way he said <em>everything</em> that made Zuko call back to him when Sokka scrambled to the door. The way his gaze lingered that made Zuko wave him over again. The way his lips shone in the moonlight that made Zuko unable to resist them. Sokka was visibly surprised when Zuko lifted his hands and pulled Sokka down to his sitting height on the bed, pulling their lips together, but he didn’t try to move. He pressed his hands down on Zuko’s shoulders, gently twisting the loose fabric on them and leaning their foreheads against each other when their lips parted. Sokka stayed there for several long seconds, just breathing and holding him close, but he moved before Zuko could open his eyes and suddenly, he was gone.</p><p>Zuko flopped back into the pillows within seconds of Sokka leaving the room. Theoretically, he knew he should get dinner, but he didn’t want to. He was fully aware that he was doing a bad thing by not eating but he couldn’t get himself to do it either. He didn’t want the food and it was his day off so if he wanted to skip the meal and just sit there and think about kissing Sokka, he was going to do that. Instead of doing what he really should have done and giving his body the sustenance it needed, he rolled back onto his side; closing his eyes as he allowed himself to think of the kiss and drift back into another nap. Except it didn’t quite last as a nap because it was getting late and instead of waking up after, he just kept sleeping. For ten hours. The most sleep he’d gotten pretty much since he’d become the Fire Lord.</p><p>When he awoke, fully rested and light shining in his face, Zuko was almost overwhelmed. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten a full night of sleep, let alone a few hours longer than that, and the fact that he’d had it was astounding. He yawned, stretching before he flopped back into the pillows on his back and stopping firm when he realized something was wrong. Zuko spent hours upon hours at his desk every night, before and after he went to his meetings and attended to other duties. He worked on everything there—personal letters, paperwork, speeches, <em>everything</em>. No one knew that desk better than him and no one knew where everything on it was supposed to be, which was exactly how <em>he </em>knew that something had been moved. He threw the blankets off himself and ran over to his desk, trying to see if anything was missing.</p><p>It took a bit of rummaging around but eventually, Zuko found what he was looking for. Or rather, what was not there. He knew each and every drawer like the back of his hand and he knew where he kept his papers. He knew where he kept the list of therapists he’d been looking into for Azula and it wasn’t where he left it. Zuko quickly tore apart the rest of the desk, searching to see if it had been put back in the wrong place whether by him or someone else, but it wasn’t. There was nothing there which meant that he was robbed, he just didn’t know by who.</p><p>Regardless, he was pissed, and it wasn’t hard to think of who might have wanted to do that. He stormed out of his room, slamming the door shut behind him as he walked down the hall; pounding on the next door he stopped at. A few moments passed before it opened, Ty Lee on the other side with a very confused look on her face. He didn’t stop to talk to her, shoving through to where Suki, Mai, and Azula were sitting on the floor nearest the window.</p><p>“What the fuck are you playing at?” snapped Zuko, glaring at his sister. She barely opened her mouth before he went on. “You went through my things.”</p><p>“I didn’t go through your things.” Azula’s tone was even harsher than his, the look on her face a mixture of disappointment and rage. “Why the fuck would I go through your things? I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”</p><p>“My desk. You went through my desk after I fell asleep last night, and you took the list of therapists I left in my drawer.”</p><p>“What? No, I didn’t.”</p><p>“Then who—?!”</p><p>“I took it.” It was Mai who spoke, giving them both a dry look from a few feet away. “Just shut up, okay? Damn. I just wanted to see who you had on there. I wasn’t trying to send you into a fucking rage.”</p><p>“Why?” asked Zuko, glaring at her. It was even <em>worse </em>that it was Mai, because he trusted her even above his sister and the fact that she’d go behind his back to take it was revolting. Plus, that raised the question of what Mai wanted it for, and he had a pretty good feeling she was trying to intervene with his refusals to do better for himself. “I could have just given it to you if you asked. What do you even need it for?”</p><p>“I wanted to talk to someone.”</p><p>“<em>You </em>wanted to talk to someone? Why? Are you okay? Did something happen?”</p><p>“Yeah, one of my best friends is trying to kill himself.” Zuko froze when Mai glanced over to the others. Suki was looking away and so was Ty Lee, but Azula stared at them as if she were watching a play. Mai stood up. “Can we talk about this outside? I don’t think we all need to be a part of this.”</p><p>Zuko nodded, shooting a quick glare over to his sister before he followed Mai out of the room. She reached back to take his hand, guiding him further down the hall. He thought that outside just meant outside the room, but evidently it meant outside the <em>building </em>because she didn’t stop walking, completely silent, until they were outside in the courtyard. She shooed away a few gardeners as they made their way to the turtle duck pond, where Mai finally released her grip on Zuko’s hand, pushing a hand through her tangled hair before leaning back against the tree behind them. Zuko stayed where he was, staring straight ahead to the little animals swimming around in the water.</p><p>“So, are you going to explain or what?” asked Zuko suddenly. He tried his best not to say anything until she did, but he couldn’t wait. “I would kind of like to know what all this shit is about. I mean, it’s fine if you want to talk to someone, but <em>please </em>tell me you weren’t talking about me.”</p><p>“Well, what do you think?” For once, Mai’s tone wasn’t angry, just sad. It almost made it harder to listen to. “I wasn’t even going to talk to someone just for myself, Zuko, I just wanted to know if there was something else we should be doing because you need help and you’re not taking it. I don’t know what else to do anymore. I wasn’t going to namedrop you or anything, I just… I don’t know, I wanted to ask someone how I could help because I can’t watch you do this to yourself.”</p><p>“You don’t <em>have </em>to watch me do anything. No one is forcing you to stay here.”</p><p>Though he wasn’t entirely sure <em>why </em>it was the wrong thing to say, Zuko knew that it was immediately after the words left his mouth. Mai stared at him in silence, shaking her head as he tried to figure out what he did wrong. He was just telling the truth, wasn’t he? No one was obligated to be around him if they didn’t want to and he wasn’t going to be mad at them for wanting to get away from his bullshit. Honestly, he wanted to get away from his bullshit too, he just didn’t have any way to do that. But the way Mai looked at him, as if she had no choice but to stay there and watch him do what could hardly be described as ‘killing himself’, was almost painful. Zuko tore his gaze away, dropping it down to his feet.</p><p>“I’m forcing <em>myself</em> to stay here, Zuko.” Mai took a deep breath, finally ceasing the shaking of her head. “You’re my friend and you’ve been my friend for as long as I can remember. I know you think you’re a piece of shit and you don’t deserve for us to care about you but we do and we’re always going to and I’m sorry I went behind your back but I’m scared for you, okay? You’re not eating enough, you keep having panic attacks, and honestly, at this point, I’ve kind of just accepted that one day you’re just not going to wake up and there’s not going to be anything we can do about it. That’s why I wanted to talk to someone. Because I’m fucking <em>terrified </em>that we’re going to lose you. So, yeah. I’m sorry I did that, I shouldn’t have gone through your things, but you need help, Zuko. Please. You’ve been better recently but you’re not… I don’t think you can get past this on your own.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t know what to say. In all his years of despising himself, he’d never thought about how that made the people around him feel. He’d never even considered anyone would care about him enough to be concerned that he was in a bad place and yet, here was someone looking to get therapy for him because she was genuinely afraid that he was going to die. Zuko couldn’t believe that was true. For one thing, he didn’t understand how someone could care about him enough to be worried about his mental health and for another, it just didn’t make sense that she thought he might not wake up. He was in a bad place, sure, and he thought about not waking up sometimes, yes, but was he actively trying to kill himself? No. No, he was not. But then he considered everything else he was guilty of and suddenly wondered whether that <em>was </em>something he should be worried about.</p><p>He wasn’t eating enough but it wasn’t a bad thing because when he ate, he got sick. When he ate, it made him feel worse about himself because his body was rejecting the food. He wasn’t sleeping enough because he couldn’t get his mind to shut up. When he tried to sleep, there was either too much running through his head or too much work to be dealt with and putting it off made him feel pathetic. He was having panic attacks because he had a lifelong issue he couldn’t deal with. When he tried to fix it, he just realized he wasn’t good enough and it brought back memories that made him want to cry. He was hurting himself because it brought him comfort when the stress got too much and grounded him in a way nothing else could. When he tried to stop, he made it worse. He was killing himself piece by piece and he hadn’t even realized it or tried to stop it because he wasn’t actively thinking about it. He wasn’t aware of how light he’d gotten, how burned his wrists were, how much his anxiety had increased since he stopped trying to be better about it.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” The words came out of his mouth before he knew what else to say. “I didn’t— I— I’ve never thought about it like that before. I’m so sorry. I’m going to wake up. I’m here. I’m— nothing is going to happen to me. I promise.”</p><p>Mai opened her mouth as if she were going to say something but closed it and pulled him into an embrace instead. He didn’t know whether that meant she believed him, but he really, really hoped it did.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Zuko was in a daze for the rest of the morning.</p><p>He was still in shock from what happened; stunned that anyone would even think to be sad if he died and even more shocked that they would want to prevent it. Even he didn’t know if he would try and do anything if it happened. Sure, he was afraid of assassination attempts before but not so much since Azula came back. She wouldn’t be the worst person to have on the throne if something happened to him, and the Fire Nation would stay within their family like she wanted. Plus, no one would have to put up with his bullshit anymore and the three nation would probably work together better once the Fire Nation’s awkward ruler was out of the running. After all, he tried his damnedest, but everything he ever did only made things worse. Maybe the world really <em>would </em>be better off if one of those assassination attempts had succeeded.</p><p>That thought made him freeze where he stood, and it took a full ten seconds before he regained the ability to walk. He wasn’t happy. He knew that now and he’d known that for an awfully long time, but he’d never thought about it as something bad. Just inherently Zuko. Zuko was not a happy person and he never had been, not since he was two, so that wasn’t something to even consider as something to worry about. But what if it was? His lack of happiness hadn’t been anything wrong before but the more it dwelled, the more it twisted into a sick combination of flip-flopping sadness and apathy. Was that what he was? Because that made it sound a whole awful lot like he was depressed when he was fairly certain he was doing a fine job of dealing with his emotions. Except he wasn’t and he hadn’t been in a long time and yeah, he was definitely was depressed because everything else aside, he wouldn’t give a fuck if he died.</p><p>While the first train of thought stopped him in his tracks, the second one stole his ability to stand altogether and he ended up ducking into a nearby room just for a moment alone. Just so he could sit down on the floor in the empty chamber for a few minutes while he gathered his thoughts because if there was one thing he knew above all else, it was that he <em>didn’t </em>want to talk to anyone. The only reason Zuko hadn’t yet reached out to his uncle for a real and proper visit was because he was <em>terrified</em> of being a burden on him and that was exactly what he did to Mai. He didn’t want her to worry about him, he didn’t want her to feel like she had to help him, but it was already too late. She was apparently scared for his <em>life </em>and he couldn’t take that back, but he could do his best to keep from dragging anyone else into the mess. No one else needed to deal with his bullshit. No one. He didn’t deserve the love they were giving him.</p><p>Again, he dropped his head down into his knees, trying to figure out what the fuck was happening in his brain because he couldn’t decide whether he hated himself and wanted to die or cared about himself and wanted the bad feelings to go away so he could get better. His mind was going back and forth faster than he could keep up with and he didn’t know whether he should ask for help or let it stir because he didn’t want to bother anyone. The one overwhelming feeling in his mind was that he wanted to see someone, but he couldn’t do it because he wanted to see his uncle and he couldn’t drag him into that mess. He couldn’t talk to his Uncle Iroh or ask him for his sage advice but as he stared around himself, at the room that used to belong to his uncle so, so long ago, he suddenly found himself <em>aching </em>for the man’s touch. Just a hug. All he wanted was just one little hug from his uncle. He didn’t have to tell him anything, he <em>just needed a fucking hug</em>.</p><p>Zuko took a deep breath, trying his best to steady himself. He wasn’t going to fall apart anymore. After everything that Mai said, after everything that he realized, he knew that he couldn’t keep doing that. It looked like shit for the nation, and it felt like shit for himself and the people who cared about him. He needed to be better. Part of him almost <em>wanted </em>to go to a therapist and ask them to shout at him the way they had when he was a kid because yeah, it might have traumatized him, but it <em>worked</em>. He might have spent hours crying every week at the beginning because it was so horrible and painful trying to fix something he felt like he couldn’t control but after enough failures, it <em>worked</em>. The yelling, the burning, the criticizing, it <em>worked</em>. He didn’t want to go through that again but if that was what it took to get him to stop acting like his life was a pity party then maybe he should do it.</p><p>He rose to his feet, walking over to the empty bed on the wall across from him. Zuko didn’t really plan to stay in there for long, he just wanted to step over and visit the place he hadn’t been in so many years. He sat down on the side of the bed nearest the table to its right, reaching over to sniff the half burned out candle that still rested there. It smelled awful and flowery like it always had but it was comforting, and he tapped his finger to the wick, watching as a small flame rose up it, spreading the scent throughout the room. When he was a kid, Zuko wasn’t supposed to go in that room. Not because he wasn’t allowed to see his uncle, but because he tried to spend <em>too much</em> time with him and it reached a point where his father made it an unofficial rule that he needed to stop clinging to the man for comfort whenever he came to visit. He tried to convince Zuko that Iroh would leave him the same way Ursa had, that he wasn’t worth anyone’s time, but Zuko didn’t listen.</p><p>If held on a rope, dangling for his life, Zuko could not say when he started to go to Iroh for comfort, he just knew it started a few weeks after he came home from Ba Sing Se and it never stopped after that. He remembered that every time he cried, his uncle was there for him, that whenever he started to have one of those stupid anxiety attacks, his uncle covered for him because he didn’t want to see him get hurt. He remembered that when things hit their absolute worst, when he had a day where all he wanted to do was hide because his father was cruel and evil and his crazy sister wouldn’t leave him alone, Iroh would let him hide in his chambers and play games. He remembered that when he had nightmares or felt sick and couldn’t sleep, Iroh would let him curl up into bed beside him and gave him however much love and comfort he needed. The love and comfort he’d so often sought but was never given because everyone except his mother and Uncle Iroh despised his very existence.</p><p>All he had to cling to then was a pillow and it didn’t bring the same catharsis. He felt the tears soaking into the fabric of it as he stared at the wall silently, hardly aware that the water was pouring out of his eyes. It was the same way it happened when he was a child but back then, as soon as he felt the tears soaking into Iroh’s shirt, there would be a hand holding the back of his head and stroking his hair while a quiet voice reminded him that it was okay. That he was allowed to be sad and hurt. He didn’t feel like he was allowed to feel like that anymore. Back then, he was just a kid, barely even growing into the tween years and no one really cared what he did except for his father and Azula. No one gave a shit if he was a cry baby because he was a little kid and he was expected to be weak by everyone except for his sister and fucked up father. But he wasn’t a little kid anymore. He was the <em>Fire Lord</em>, in charge of countless people, and they needed him to be strong for them. They needed him to be proud and cocky and to lead them and he didn’t know if he could do that because he was supposed to be on his way to draft important documents and instead he was clinging to a pillow and crying into it like he was fucking six years old.</p><p>Zuko closed his eyes tightly, the tears dripping down his chin as he turned into the pillow to dry them. It still smelled like his uncle, a bit, but it was mostly gone after all those years. He’d requested that the room be touched as little as possible, just for the memories, but he knew people still went in there sometimes or else there would be cobwebs and shit lining the place instead of it looking the same as it did all those years ago. Zuko longed for a way to go back to a time where his uncle was near him. A time when he could see him whenever he wanted to and not feel like a burden. He knew that there was never really a time when he was happy but dammit, he wished there was because he wanted to see his uncle more than fucking anything and he <em>couldn’t</em>. He wanted to send him a letter and <em>beg</em> for him to come help because his nephew was falling apart, and he didn’t know how much longer he was going to last for. He wanted Iroh to hold him in his arms and let him sob like he did when he was thirteen and he was still getting over the trauma of facing his father in an Agni Kai. He wanted him to make tea and bad jokes and help him feel better because everything fucking hurt and he just needed it to <em>stop</em>.</p><p>In all honesty, he hadn’t heard the door open, nor the footsteps cross the room, but as soon as the hands tapped his shoulder, urging him to sit up for a hug, Zuko complied. He felt like he should stop crying, stop showing how weak he was, but he couldn’t. He just wrapped his arms around Sokka’s lower back as he rested his head against his shoulder, the tears still flowing silently as he tried to stop himself from thinking about his uncle. He couldn’t bring him there; he couldn’t do it. Iroh was happy and safe and he didn’t deserve to be pulled back into Zuko’s waking hell when he’d already managed to escape it. Instead of trying to find a way to get him there, to bring him back to the bullshit, Zuko should have been thinking of ways to get his other friends <em>out </em>while they still had the chance. And yet, even while he thought about that, about how he needed to get the others out of there before they went down with his bullshit, he clung to Sokka like he didn’t have a choice. Because he didn’t. Because they only had days left and thinking about that made it hurt even more.</p><p>He didn’t understand why Sokka liked him and he didn’t think he ever would. In fact, he wasn’t even sure if Sokka <em>did </em>like him as more than just a friend and that was why he was so horribly afraid of saying anything about the fact that he really, really liked him because he didn’t know if Sokka really wanted to be with him or if he was just having a fling before he went home. Either way, they were friends. They were definitely friends because if they weren’t even there, Sokka wouldn’t have been holding Zuko in his arms as he cried about something so stupid as missing his uncle. In his defense, Sokka <em>was </em>shaking enough for Zuko to notice it without even opening his eyes and he realized the hug was probably intended to be mutually beneficial, but still. The entire time they’d known each other, Zuko knew how protective Sokka was of the people he loved. He would do anything to protect his friends and his family but Zuko realized that up until those last few weeks, when they really bonded, he hadn’t even thought of himself and Sokka being that close. He’d never considered himself as someone that Sokka would want to protect.</p><p>But, he thought, as he sat there with his arms around Sokka’s back and his head on his shoulder, soaking his poor shirt with tears, he really liked being one of them.</p>
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<a name="section0048"><h2>48. Chapter Forty-Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sokka sobbed for a good ten minutes before he fell asleep.</p><p>They didn’t talk until he woke up two hours later, his dad still at his side and his leg propped up on a line of pillows. It <em>throbbed</em> and he wanted painkillers, but just one look at Hakoda was enough to start another lecture. Hakoda pulled him into another hug and told him that he couldn’t keep overdosing, but he couldn’t just stop taking them either. When he wanted painkillers—up to two times a day, absolutely no more than that—he had to ask his dad. No exceptions. Sokka felt like a baby and he hated it, but he didn’t have the energy to argue, so he agreed. He admitted to how many painkillers he’d taken that day with only slight hesitation and accepted the hot towels as a replacement without question.</p><p>It wasn’t until half an hour after he woke up, his leg covered in hot towels, when Sokka finally talked to his dad. They agreed that it was a good idea for Sokka to go back home to the tribe—obviously, because Sokka really, <em>really </em>missed his home and he needed to get away from the painkillers—but they didn’t agree to <em>when </em>it was going to happen. Sokka insisted he stay until Zuko announced the plans for the colonies just in case something didn’t go over well with the people. They didn’t commit to even a timeframe they were going to leave, and Sokka could tell his dad wasn’t happy about that, but he didn’t fight it either. He was probably just glad that Sokka agreed to let him control the painkillers.</p><p>When they finally finished talking through everything—well, <em>almost </em>everything, because Sokka didn’t feel ready to open up about anything outside of the painkillers and the anxiety and depression that he’d already mentioned—Sokka felt sick to his stomach and requested they put off the conversation until the next day. Hakoda agreed but came right back to check on his son in the morning. Sokka only nodded when Hakoda asked if he was okay and gave him his first dose of painkillers. He wasn’t okay. His head hurt. His leg hurt. He waited until his dad was long gone before he stood up to go for a walk around the palace. He didn’t want him to see how much of a struggle it was to move when he wasn’t on such a high dosage. When he wasn’t slowly killing himself.</p><p>He was only halfway out the hall of bedrooms when he heard the sniffing. Sokka stopped walking, taking a few steps back to see what was happening. He didn’t recognize the room there, but he was worried that something was wrong and carefully pushed the door open, just to take a peek in case something happened. Though he didn’t know what he was expecting in the first place, he was still shocked and sad to find that it was what must’ve been Iroh’s old room—there were his kind of decorations and junk all over the place, and a flowery, sort of tea-scent floating around the room—and that, curled up on the bed in the middle of it with a pillow in his arms, was none other than Fire Lord Zuko; tears streaming down his face as he lay there in utter silence.</p><p>Sokka didn’t hesitate before sitting on the bed beside him, tapping his shoulder gently to get his attention and nudge him into a hug. Immediately, Zuko launched up and held onto him too, hands pressed against Sokka’s lower back as he dropped his head into his shoulder, his tears no louder but soaking into Sokka’s shirt. He wanted to ask what was wrong, how he could help, but he knew that it wasn’t the right time. Zuko needed space to be sad, not Sokka getting all up in his face with questions. So, instead, he just held on tight. He kept one arm around Zuko’s shoulders and moved the other to play with his hair, gently stroking the soft black locks which he loved more than anything in the world. Zuko didn’t say a word, barely even audible aside from the occasional sniffle, and it was then that Sokka realized the answer to what was wrong was obvious and it was sitting right in front of his face. They were in Iroh’s old bedroom as he noticed when he walked in, and they were sitting in his bed. Zuko wasn’t just sad about nothing, he was sad because he missed his uncle.</p><p>One hand gently dragging through Zuko’s tangled hair, Sokka pulled him in a little tighter with the arm around his shoulders. He held on for as long as Zuko needed, not saying a word even when he finally pulled away; sitting back on his knees as Sokka leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead. It was times like that when he really hated that they were technically just bros because it really seriously felt like they were more, and he just didn’t know how the fuck to address it. Sokka almost expected Zuko to say something first, since he’d been the one to pull away, but he didn’t. He just bit down on his bottom lip, staring silently at his hands as he sniffled again, the tears still dripping down his cheeks.</p><p>It was an awful state to see him in. A really, really awful state. When they met, Sokka thought Zuko was nothing more than a spoiled, badass prince but he knew that the guy was so much more than that now. He knew that he was just a soft and caring bundle of nerves and yeah, he had a serious temper, and he could sometimes be a real asshole, but he wasn’t bad. He just needed someone in his life to care about him and when he finally got that, he didn’t know what to do. Even after he became Fire Lord and all the horrible abuse was behind him, Zuko struggled through life and he needed someone to be there for him and he didn’t have it. Sokka didn’t know how long he was alone for, but he knew that it was much longer than he’d been there. He also knew that as much as he cared about Zuko, he could never be a replacement for his uncle and he wanted to let him know that if he needed to go to Ba Sing Se and see him, Aang would take him there. But it didn’t seem like the time yet and so instead, he just reached forward and brushed the tears off Zuko’s cheek with one hand, gently urging him to lift his gaze.</p><p>“Sorry,” said Zuko, finally looking up but not for more than a second before turning again. His shiny eyes were teary and badly bloodshot, barely able to stay open from how much they must have stung. “I don’t know what happened. I had a weird conversation with Mai this morning and it just— I don’t know.”</p><p>“You don’t have to be sorry.” Sokka hoped he sounded as reassuring as he was trying to be, knowing that sometimes his words didn’t come out quite the way he meant for them to sound; especially given the state he was in himself. “I used to do the same thing, after my dad left for the war. I would sleep in his bed a lot of nights, and I know I mentioned wearing his old shirts and… it was kind of weird, but it made me feel better, you know?”</p><p>He nodded. “I don’t even know where this came from, I just… I miss him so much.”</p><p>“If you want to go see him, I know that Aang would be happy to give you a lift. You’d only be gone for a couple days, at most. I’m sure the nation isn’t going to go up in flames in—okay, no, poor choice of words—the nation isn’t going to fall apart if you’re going for two days.”</p><p>“No, but I can’t do that to <em>him</em>. He’s been through so much already, and I don’t think I can drag him back into my bullshit when he’s already gotten out of it.”</p><p>It took Sokka a good several seconds to think of a response because the only thing he could think at first was damn, he felt that. That was the same reason he never said anything about his leg or the flashbacks, and why it hurt so much when his dad found out about the painkillers. He didn’t want to be a burden on his family. He knew that his dad and Katara would have helped him through it, that they were <em>going </em>to help him through it, but he didn’t want them to sacrifice their own time for him. He didn’t want them to have to put the things they cared about on hold because he couldn’t deal with his own shit by himself. But somehow, it felt different when he was talking about someone else. For Sokka, it was being a burden and getting in the way, but for Zuko, he wanted to reach out to someone he cared about. Maybe the difference was that Sokka had his family right there with him and was just hiding everything inside, while Zuko was hiding everything from afar and couldn’t even get superficial hugs when he needed them.</p><p>“You know he won’t see it like that. He couldn’t.” Sokka tried to meet Zuko’s gaze, to give him a look of reassurance that he knew he so desperately needed, but Zuko didn’t look up from his hands. “You mean so much to him, Zuko. I’m sure that all he wants is to help you.”</p><p>“It is, and that’s the problem,” Zuko snapped. He bit his tongue after speaking, shaking his head as if he felt bad for the delivery of the line. “You don’t understand what he went through, Sokka. His entire life he’s been fighting, and he shouldn’t have to do it anymore. He has a tea shop now and a life in Ba Sing Se. He shouldn’t be stuck here with me anymore; he spent enough time helping me with all my bullshit. Too much time. I didn’t deserve one minute of it.”</p><p>“Yes, you did. I know you have a lot of issues with yourself, Zuko, but what happened to you isn’t your fault. It’s your asshole father’s. He did this to you. You’re not a bad person, you just grew up in a bad environment.”</p><p>“Maybe, but I deserved it. I mean I know that— I <em>know </em>my father is a terrible person and he abused me but maybe some things happened for a reason, you know? The more I think about it, the more I realize maybe some of this <em>was </em>my fault. I knew my father would burn me if I spoke and I did it anyway. I knew my therapist would shout at me if I did things wrong and I did it anyway. Maybe I’ve been self-destructive my entire life and I was just too fucking stupid and too much of a failure to ever realize it.”</p><p>“No, that’s not true. You weren’t a failure; you were a good fucking person and <em>nothing </em>that happened to you was your fault.” It was almost irritating to argue with him when he was so convinced he needed to put himself down. Sokka couldn’t help but wonder if that was what it was like to argue with him about getting help too. He pushed the thought from his mind. “Zuko, I’m serious. Those assholes abused you because you have a good heart. You’re kind and you care, and they weren’t either of those things. Your dad wanted a weapon like Azula and <em>that</em> was why he hurt you.”</p><p>Zuko shook his head. “No, he hurt me because I didn’t know how to talk or bend or keep my fucking mouth shut. I was disrespectful and that’s why he hurt me because I wasn’t the prince the nation needed. I was just a pathetic piece of self-destructive shit kid and that’s what I still am now. That’s why no one wants to work with me because I’m a pathetic fucking Fire Lord too.”</p><p>“When was the last time you ate?”</p><p>The words were out of his mouth before he could even think about them and when Zuko closed his eyes tightly, Sokka feared he said far and beyond the wrong thing. He hadn’t meant to be rude with it, but Zuko was <em>so far gone </em>and he just felt like there had to be something else going on—possibly connected to the fact that he hadn’t seen him the day before. Worried that he’d made it worse, Sokka opened his mouth to say something, to apologize and take back the unnecessary question, but Zuko responded first. He shook his head a little bit, his gaze still pointed downward as he twisted the blankets around in his fingers.</p><p>“Breakfast yesterday, maybe?” he mumbled. “I don’t know. Azula brought me something last night but I didn’t eat it. I was tired.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s that then.” Sokka hopped off the bed, holding out a hand for Zuko to take. He gestured a few times, but his friend was still reluctant to move and eventually, he sighed, leaving his arm in place. “Zuko, please. You need to eat something.”</p><p>Zuko nearly argued, it was obvious by the way his head lifted slightly before he moved, but he didn’t. Instead, he reached out to take Sokka’s hand and let himself be pulled from the bed, using his other hand to brush away the last of the tears on his face. Sokka gave his hand a squeeze, hoping that it would help him to feel at least a little better but not knowing whether it really would. Zuko was far gone, and for once it wasn’t in a way that he could fix by taking away the panic. It was just sheer sadness and depression eating away at him, trying to steal what little life he had left. Sokka refused to let that bullshit take Zuko away from him and gently tugged him out into the hallway, planning to lead him straight to the dining hall to get something to eat before he went back to work on things that weren’t nearly as important nor pressing as his mental health.</p><p>It wasn’t exactly easy pulling Zuko down the hall, while Sokka’s leg burned so badly and his head pounded and he ached for more painkillers, but it was okay. Zuko’s hand was soft and warm and as much as squeezing Sokka’s hand helped him, squeezing Zuko’s hand helped Sokka. Neither of them said a word as they walked over to the dining hall. They just held each other’s hands, Zuko’s fingers twitching slightly and Sokka’s shaking for reasons he couldn’t explain. He didn’t say a word to anyone they passed, and he didn’t let go of Zuko’s hand either. He couldn’t care anymore. There was too much pain in his leg and his head and his <em>heart </em>and if he wanted to hold Zuko’s hand then fuck it, that was what he was going to do.</p><p>He probably should’ve thought about the consequences of that.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Ironically, that meal was the first time Sokka found <em>himself </em>unable to force down much food.</p><p>He wanted to have some of the stuff he was urging Zuko to have but he felt so sick to his stomach that he couldn’t get more than a few bites down before his mouth stopped taking it altogether. There was no reason for it. Theoretically, Sokka should’ve been fine, but he couldn’t stop shaking and he felt so stupidly nauseous that after just a small taste, he gave up trying to eat at all. He still did his best to keep Zuko eating, trying to fake it as much as he could, but he felt too sick. He felt too sad looking to Zuko and his soft and his hair and realizing that in just a few days, it would all be gone. In just a few days, he wouldn’t have that hand to hold or that hair to play with anymore. He would probably never have it again.</p><p>They made it through the meal and Sokka gave Zuko one more hug before they split up; Zuko going to some other meeting and Sokka just walking around the palace in a daze because his leg hurt like shit and his head was still pounding and he wanted to go home but he didn’t want to leave Zuko. He took a deep breath, trying to relax, but the pain in his chest was back and he knew it was because he couldn’t breathe but no amount of attempts were enough to make it better. All he wanted were his painkillers. He just needed painkillers and he would feel better. <em>No.</em> He couldn’t do that anymore. Sokka glanced around to make sure there was no one near him, then stumbled back over to his bedroom and went inside, closing the door tightly before he walked over to the bed and sat down beside it; leaning his head against the mattress as he pulled his knees into his chest. The pain would pass. He knew that it was going to pass but it hurt like shit and he couldn’t stop it because he couldn’t take his painkillers and he couldn’t fucking <em>breathe</em>.</p><p>Though he was hoping he would be able to sit there for just long enough to get through it on his own, only a minute passed before the door suddenly opened and someone was at his side, begging him to take a deep breath. He knew it was Katara but he didn’t know how she knew he was in there and he could barely register the words she was saying because all he could think about was how much he wished he could just bring Zuko with him and how much he wanted more painkillers. He wasn’t addicted. He <em>couldn’t </em>be addicted. Sokka felt awful that his sister had to see him like that, in such a horrible, panicky state, but he couldn’t calm himself down and at a certain point, he realized he just had to stop trying and let it happen naturally.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Sokka.” The first words he was able to make out were strange ones and Sokka wasn’t sure why she was saying them. It wasn’t <em>her </em>who caused his anxiety, it was his own stupidity and Zuko’s obligation to the throne. “I’m so sorry we weren’t there for you but we’re here now. Dad and I, we got your back. We all do.”</p><p>He tried to respond, to say something and let her know that he wasn’t upset with her for that because it was his fucking fault they didn’t know anything was wrong, but the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth. When he tried to speak, Sokka let out only an awful wheeze and had to give up, instead reaching around to return Katara’s hug. They stayed that way for several more minutes as Sokka regained the ability to breathe and tried his best to convince himself that whatever he was dealing with wasn’t an addiction and his dad was only controlling his dosage because he wanted to help. Katara kept saying nice, reassuring things to him and sometimes it helped but other times he just wanted to curl into a ball and hide from the world because he couldn’t tell her the truth about why he was freaking out because he couldn’t do the same thing to her that he’d done to his dad.</p><p>Sokka never thought about how bad it was. Until Hakoda was actively holding him in his arms, shouting at him because he wouldn’t stop trying to take the pills back, Sokka never thought about how much he was taking. He didn’t care. He just wanted the pain to stop and the pills helped so he took as many as he wanted until the hurting went away. But when Hakoda realized that, when he realized that Sokka was addicted, his face <em>crashed </em>and that was when Sokka knew he fucked up. When he knew that what he was doing was wrong and unhealthy, and yet, even knowing that, he couldn’t get himself to stop. He wanted more. He didn’t deserve his family’s help.</p><p>“Sorry.” Sokka slid away from his sister after another long minute of thought, leaning back against the bed behind him. She opened her mouth to say something, likely that he had nothing to be sorry about, but he cut in before she got the chance to actually say it. “I don’t really know what happened. I was just… things got stressful. I don’t know why this keeps happening. Sorry you had to see that. I wasn’t really intending for anyone to find me.”</p><p>“I know,” said Katara, her voice soft. She swallowed hard, wetting her lips before she went on. “The only reason I knew you were in here having an anxiety attack was because we were hanging out with Toph and she saw you come in here. She wanted to come with me, but I thought it was better we didn’t have too many people crowding in here when you already couldn’t breathe. You <em>can </em>breathe now, right?”</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. My chest hurts a little but it’s just because it took me a bit to get it back to normal. I really didn’t— I didn’t mean to interrupt whatever you guys were doing, sorry. Like I said, I just wanted to be on my own for a little bit. Some stuff happened and I guess I just got really stressed. It’s fine, though. It’s nothing. I really don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>“Are you sure? You know, Dad is really worried about the fact that you’re not talking about anything that’s bothering you. We all know something is wrong and if you would just tell us what it is, we can help you. Please. We need you, Sokka, and you need us too.”</p><p>Which was exactly why he couldn’t say anything. Because even as she sat there with the most loving expression on her face, one that said she would never, <em>ever </em>let anything happen to her big brother, Sokka knew that telling her the truth could ruin everything. Looking to him in shock and disgust because he was addicted to drugs. Because he mutilated his own arms. Because he was falling in love with a <em>boy</em>. The worst part was that Sokka didn’t even mind it. He was fine with the overdosing. He was fine with the pain. He was absolutely okay with himself liking a boy and he was totally comfortable with himself being bisexual, but he wasn’t okay with other people knowing about it. Telling anyone, especially the people who were closest to him, made him want to throw up because he could never know if they would be all right with it or if they’d never look to him in the same way again. Just like the pity hadn’t left his dad’s face since found out about the painkillers.</p><p>He’d tried to find out their opinions on the matter of his sexuality in the past but the subject was basically impossible to bring up without outright saying, “Hey, I’m bisexual and I was just wondering what you thought about that.” Every time it devolved into some other conversation or him bullshitting context and it just didn’t work. Years of trying came and went and the only thing Sokka was sure of was that he wasn’t sure of anything at all. So, eventually, he stopped trying because he was with Suki and it didn’t seem like he’d end up with a boy any time soon, so it didn’t matter. But then he did, kind of, and he didn’t know what to do. Him and Zuko weren’t even technically together so he didn’t <em>have </em>to say anything about it but they also weren’t exactly apart so he couldn’t just do nothing either. He felt a similar way about the painkillers. Katara deserved to know, but he knew that if he said anything, she would give him the same look as their dad.</p><p>“I know, and I’m sorry I’ve been so distant,” Sokka told her, trying to stop his fingers from fidgeting. “I’ll explain everything to you at some point but right now I’m just trying to figure it out for myself.”</p><p>“But we can help you.” Katara placed a hand on his shoulder, the look on her face one that was all too motherly for his taste. He could never resist her self-care talks when she looked at him like that. “Please, Sokka. You don’t have to hide anything from us.”</p><p>Sokka said nothing. If that were true, then he wouldn’t be dealing with the fact that if he stopped hiding who he was, they would probably start hiding him instead because that was what seemed to happen to everyone else who wasn’t straight or at least straight-passing in the Water Tribe. They were proud of Sokka with a girlfriend but deep down he <em>knew </em>that, regardless of what they said, they wouldn’t feel the same way about him if he was Sokka with a boyfriend. Not that he was planning to start actually dating Zuko, but he wasn’t about to tell Katara about the painkillers or the apparent depression either. It was hypothetical. All of it. Probably never going to really happen, especially once he went back to the tribe and lost his connection to Zuko.</p><p>“I— I know,” he stumbled out, despite everything running through his mind. “Thanks, Katara.”</p><p>She smiled, but it felt forced. “Hey, are you sure you’re okay? You’re shaking pretty badly.”</p><p>At first, Sokka thought she was referring to the fact that he was tapping his hands against his leg, but then he realized that no, he was almost <em>vibrating</em>. The sight baffled him, and he froze for a second, staring at his moving hands. What the fuck was that? He was silent for several seconds before his eyes widened in realization as he remembered what Toph said to him after revealing that his heartbeat had been irregular for the past few days. That he never stopped shaking but not in the same way Zuko did, not like he was anxious, but like he was on a sugar high. <em>That </em>was what it felt like to Sokka. Like he was just buzzing and couldn’t stop. He gripped his hands around the legs of his pants, trying to get it to stop. The headache was enough. He didn’t need more of a reminder as to how badly he’d let himself break.</p><p>“No, yeah, I’m fine.” Sokka nodded briskly, hoping she would understand that he really didn’t want to talk about it. The way his dad reacted was too much. Not the shouting or the fighting or even the bargaining as he forced Sokka to stop, but the look in his eyes. The way his heart broke when he realized what was happening. “It’s probably just from how long it took to get my breath back, you know? I haven’t— this has only happened like three times, I think? So, I’m not so good at dealing with it yet.”</p><p>“Only three times?” She frowned. “I thought Suki told me you’ve been dealing with it for a while.”</p><p>He shook his head. “No, that’s— er— those are panic attacks. I never had an anxiety attack until you guys showed up and I was really overwhelmed, and Dad had to talk me down. I guess I could’ve had more though, I’m not really great at knowing when they’re happening. I just kind of wait it out when I start feeling anxious. So far, I’ve only really known when it was happening because someone was there and that’s only been three times and all three of you actually <em>told me </em>that it was… yeah. I’m stupid, I know.”</p><p>“Yes, you are stupid, but you’re my stupid brother and I don’t want to see you hurt.” Katara hesitated, not saying anything for several seconds before she finally popped the question that was apparently stuck on her tongue. “Who was the other person? Me and Dad, but you said three people helped you through this? Who…?”</p><p>“It was, uh, it was Zuko, actually.” Logically, Sokka knew that saying that wasn’t enough for Katara to realize they’d been making out, but he still felt nervous namedropping him for some reason. He looked down to his feet after he spoke, somehow unable to meet his sister’s gaze. “I’ve— well, I’ve kind of been helping him with a lot of his shit since I got here, so he was just doing his best to help me too and it actually really worked.”</p><p><em>Until he fell asleep on me, but that part was pretty nice too</em>.</p><p>“Okay, that’s fine. I was just wondering. You know I don’t hate him anymore, right? I mean, he’s far from my favorite person in the world, but you don’t have to be weird about mentioning him. That’s all in the past. He’s been doing a good job here recently. You both have. Dad and I have been looking into everything you’re doing and it’s just… you have no idea how proud Dad is, Sokka. We both are.”</p><p>He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Yeah, Sokka was glad that Katara was proud of him, but he couldn’t help but feel the revelation canceled that out for his dad. Hakoda <em>was </em>proud of him, but then he saw him in that state. Sobbing, fighting, <em>begging </em>for the painkillers. Not to mention when he took them that morning and the guilt on his face was so heavy he could hardly stand it. When he took the pills from his dad and immediately felt like he was being crushed under the pressure of his dad’s stare and how bad he felt for not helping Sokka sooner when it wasn’t his fault at all.</p><p>“Sokka?” She only spoke when he failed to respond for too long, and he looked up to her with wide eyes. “Are you okay? Do you feel any better?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine.” Sokka nodded, forcing himself to give her another reassuring smile, but he knew it wasn’t convincing. He looked awful. He felt awful. His leg was throbbing and all he could think was that he wanted more painkillers. He wanted the pain to go away. “Actually, can you find Dad, please? I just— I need to talk to him for a minute.”</p><p>But he wouldn’t turn back to the painkillers.</p><p>He wouldn’t give up.</p><p>Not that day.</p><p>Not yet.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0049"><h2>49. Chapter Forty-Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Following his impromptu meltdown, Zuko spent nearly a full hour convincing himself he didn’t need to send another letter to his uncle. That didn’t necessarily mean he wasn’t going to <em>write </em>to him, just that he wasn’t going to <em>send</em> it. Which was probably for the better, all things considered, as when he <em>did </em>pen that letter, everything that came out was nothing but fucking whining.</p><p>Zuko hated the way he sounded in his letters and that was half the reason he never sent them. They made him sound like a pathetic little child; whining because he was tired, and he missed his uncle, and he wasn’t good enough. It was a stupid mindset to be in and he hated it, but he couldn’t get it to go away and that was the hardest part about the position he was in. Zuko thought that having all his friends around would make him feel better, that he would start to recover and get over all his stupid, pathetic bullshit with their support, but it didn’t work. They were all there, trying to help him, and yet it was as if it all just bounced right off.</p><p>He hated himself. He was stuck in an endless loop of numbness and depression and he wanted it to go away but it wouldn’t. Even when he spent time with the people who made him smile the most, like Toph and Sokka, he still felt an overarching feeling of sadness that just wouldn’t go away. So, no. Nothing happened. Literally nothing fucking happened and that was why he wanted to lock himself in an empty room and scream at the top of his lungs, just to see if it made a difference, but knowing it wouldn’t because he was broken. He didn’t know how or why; he was just sure that it was true, and it had been his entire life.</p><p>Though he didn’t know what it was, exactly, it was something he’d had in him since he was a child. Whatever the thing was made him anxious, gay, and worst of all, sad. Because that was what he was struggling with the most on a daily basis. Zuko really was doing his best, trying hard to be better so he could help people the way he was supposed to, but he was either sad or numb and he just couldn’t find any happiness the way he used to. Some things made him smile, but nothing brought him real joy anymore and he was sure it was because he was broken. Because he wasn’t normal, was he? He couldn’t talk to people, he couldn’t look them in the eye, he was anxious as shit, and he was <em>exclusively </em>into boys. Which, the more he thought about it, the harder it was to accept. Zuko thought it would get easier over time, as he and Sokka grew closer, but the guilt kept building in him. That, no matter how much he liked spending time with Sokka, they couldn’t keep it up because they could never be together, and they would both end up hurt.</p><p>Biting down on his bottom lip, Zuko dragged his hair back into a topknot, grimacing when he looked at the final product. It wasn’t awful, but he knew it wasn’t as good as it would’ve been if he let the professionals do it. If he let his servants do the job they were paid to be doing instead of blowing them off because of his own stupid anxiety. He cut them off shortly after the thing with the Earth Kingdom blew up in his face and hadn’t gotten the nerve to go back yet. They were still being paid, of course, and he made sure them and their families were well taken care of, but he couldn’t let them touch him anymore. Not until he got past whatever made him want to run when they put their hands on his hair and his face to make him look like he wasn’t falling apart when the entire world knew that he was. Because there was no way that they didn’t, right? He was in a shit place and it was obvious to everyone who knew him, so it had to be obvious to everyone else. Those people at the banquet—whoever they were—even went so far as to devise a plan to get him off the throne because his mental health was so erratic.</p><p>He reached out to lift his headpiece from its case, hesitating before he placed it in his topknot. It didn’t feel like he deserved to have that hair when he was fucked up the way he was, but he needed it. Too long had gone by without him properly speaking to the people, without updating them on what was happening, and he wanted to go out and speak to them about the colonies. He’d known about the event for ages but was too busy thinking about the fact that Sokka was supposed to leave soon after it happened and had to work overtime to get himself ready. As such, he hadn’t gotten more than twenty minutes of sleep, but he <em>had </em>consumed an inhuman amount of coffee and felt highly energetic and ready to go. He didn’t have much of a speech planned out, but he didn’t generally stick to one anyway, so he hoped he’d be able to get away with it. Just a few minutes in front of everyone and he’d be home free.</p><p>It didn’t quite work out that way.</p><p>There were a <em>lot </em>of people interested in talking to him and so, after he finished his address—which basically just detailed the fact that he was dealing with the colonies but nothing else had really happened since he updated the laws—he spent far too long speaking to random citizens and reporters; his bodyguards the only ones keeping people from getting too close to him. Most of them weren’t saying anything interesting, just asking questions about the colonies and random things that he wasn’t ready to discuss with the public, and it was easy to get through. Yes, he stumbled over his words a lot because he had no idea how to talk to strangers, especially ones who clearly didn’t like him and weren’t interested in being anything less than mildly hostile, but overall, it wasn’t horrible. At first, at least. It quickly went downhill when the harder questions came in and everyone wanted to hear his answers to things he wouldn’t or couldn’t discuss.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko,” said one reporter, cutting off his conversation with a citizen about the markets. “Now that you’ve ruled for half the time as Fire Lord Ozai, how do you feel? Do you believe you’re doing better than him, or are you still living in his shadow?”</p><p>“In his <em>shadow</em>?” He shook his head quickly, brow furrowed. That was the last thing Zuko thought about himself. “No, my father was the worst person I ever knew. I’ll never be in his shadow. We’re extremely different people and to even think about comparing us is honestly—”</p><p>Another person cut in before he could even finish going off about the fact that his father was a fucking psychopath. “What do you think of the rumors that your illness earlier this year was a cover-up for a deeper, nation-wide conspiracy?”</p><p>“Conspiracy?” Zuko’s heart pounded in his chest, ringing in his ears as he tried to find the right answer to say. No, it wasn’t a conspiracy, and he wasn’t aware that anyone outside of the palace even knew that he got sick. How would they know about that? He swallowed hard, trying to stay polite despite the circumstances. “No, there’s no conspiracy. That’s a fact. I just had a fever; it happens to the best of us. Being Fire Lord doesn’t make me immune to getting sick.”</p><p>It should have, but it didn’t. Being the Fire Lord didn’t magically make his lifelong issues disappear and so he was left with the same anxious bullshit that made his hands shake and his chest burn and his stomach swirl like a storm every time someone asked him a question exactly like that one. The reporter didn’t seem to realize how uncomfortable Zuko was with the question and even just the man’s presence and stayed close to his side even after the question was answered. Zuko couldn’t stop himself from glancing over at the guy every few seconds, just because he couldn’t trust him.</p><p>“What about the people who fear you’re not fit for the throne?” Someone else was already up in his face with a piece of paper and writing tools, staring him straight in the eyes. One of Zuko’s bodyguards urged him to move back, but the guy had already gotten close enough for Zuko’s breath to catch in his throat. “People have been saying you look nervous in your speeches and you’ve been visiting the city less and less. Is your mental state truly deteriorating as they say?”</p><p>“No, I— no. No, I’m absolutely fine, you can be sure of that. I’ve just been busy recently working on matters regarding our colonies in the Earth Kingdom. Everything is going to get back to normal, hopefully in a month or two.”</p><p>A month or two? He was making empty promises. Zuko was in absolutely no place to be putting estimates on when he would start functioning as a real human being again when he couldn’t remember how he’d ever been one in the first place. He swallowed hard, trying to find something better to say, but no words would come out of his mouth. Everything he thought of was either a lie or a truth that wasn’t what the people wanted or needed to hear. Zuko thought about it hard, hoping to elaborate a little more on his answer, but didn’t get the chance before someone else showed up to his left with yet another thing of paper waving around in a place he could barely see it.</p><p>“One last rumor for you to address, sir!” he said, as if he wasn’t about to launch Zuko into a full-blown heart attack. “It was never officially announced but the word is that you split with Lady Mai earlier this year, a few weeks prior to legalizing gay rights. Some say the relationship was a cover and they’re now waiting for you to come out as a homosexual, as some sources claim you were spotted holding hands with a man. Is there any substance to this rumor?”</p><p>Zuko’s stomach churned, stars swirling around his head as he tried to come to terms with the question. What sources? Who saw him holding hands with Sokka and what the fuck were they doing telling people about it? His heart pounded so hard it hurt, his chest burning from a sudden inability to breathe. He could feel tears stinging at his eyes from staring too long and he quickly blinked several times, trying desperately to get himself back together when all he wanted to do was disappear. They knew. They knew that he was going against what his great-grandfather had put in place and it was disgusting and wrong and everyone around him was staring at him and judging him and he couldn’t get their eyes off him. Just looking at them hurt too much and he found himself glancing down before he spoke.</p><p>“No, there’s no substance to <em>any</em> of these rumors.” Of course, just by the way he said those words, he was proving the second question correct. “I’m not covering anything up, I’m not having a mental breakdown, and I’m not— where the fuck is this coming from? Who’s spreading this?”</p><p>As per usual, no one answered <em>his </em>question, just went right back to asking more. He couldn’t answer them, shooting a look to his bodyguards that silently begged them to get the people off him. They immediately launched into action, shoving the reporters and interested citizens back so he could return to the palace. By the time he got away from everyone, Zuko was practically wheezing, but he refused offers from his bodyguards for help. He didn’t even go back into the palace, just ducking around into the courtyard and dropping to his knees against one of the walls as he wrapped his arms around his waist. That was it. That was how he was going to die. A pathetic, suffocating, sick mess doubled over in the grass where he used to play. Tears stung at his eyes as he fought to win back his breath, his palms sweating so badly he couldn’t even hold onto the plants beneath him. His entire body was trembling, shaking badly, and when someone dropped a hand on his shoulder in what must’ve been an attempt to help, all it did was make things worse.</p><p>He’d barely eaten anything the day before and hadn’t had even a bite that morning but every bit of the coffee he’d consumed was gone in seconds. Zuko coughed for what felt like ages, his chest burning even worse as the last bit of breath escaped his body; followed by dry heaves that turned his throat to sandpaper. He was shaking so badly he could barely sit up after it finally stopped and only then did he allow himself to be pulled into the arms of the person behind him, eyes squeezed shut tightly and wheezing like he’d come out of a fucking marathon. It hurt worse than any panic attack he’d had before, and he wanted more than anything for it to stop but it didn’t. He tried to breathe, to ground himself the way his uncle taught him, but it didn’t work and instead of getting better, his wheezing just got worse as the person holding him stroked the back of his head while gently rocking him back and forth, trying to provide him with even a little reassurance.</p><p>“Zuko, hey, you need to breathe.” The voice was soft and caring but commanding too. He couldn’t tell for sure who it was over his wheezing, only that it was a woman. Soft hands and nails slowly slid down his cheek, brushing away what was either sweat or tears. At that point, he wasn’t even sure anymore. “Seriously, you need to try. I need you to breathe. You’re not breathing. Zuko. Zuko, hey. Listen to me. You need to breathe.”</p><p>“I can’t.” The words sounded awful and whiny and like he was five years old, but his chest hurt like <em>shit </em>and he was trying so damn hard, but he couldn’t get it to stop. The hand slid down his cheek again, stroking it gently in a way that kind of helped and kind of made him feel guilty for not being better. “It <em>hurth</em>.”</p><p>“I know. It’s because you’re not breathing. You need to breathe. <em>Please</em>, Zuko. Just breathe with me, okay? In and out. In and out.” She took slow and long exaggerated breaths, giving him something to follow. It was hard and it hurt and his head was pounding but he managed to follow for long enough to stop himself from wheezing at the least. “That’s better, you’re doing good. Does it still hurt?”</p><p>Zuko nodded, still not opening his eyes though he was finally able to register that the person holding their arms around him was none other than Mai. He didn’t even know she was there that day. “It’th getting better.”</p><p>“Okay. Are you— are you okay? Do you want me to find someone else? Sokka or—”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>He couldn’t explain himself to her, let alone try and voice what was happening to anyone else. Especially not Sokka, given that his real panic hadn’t happened until someone struck the final straw by asking whether he was gay. Zuko didn’t want anyone to know and he knew that Sokka didn’t like that, that it made him feel like they were doing something wrong, but there was nothing he could do about it because for Zuko, they <em>were </em>doing something wrong. He was raised in a world where being gay was a serious crime and he was committing it almost daily at that point. Not just with his existence but by indulging in it when Sokka pulled him close and he leaned into the touch instead of away from it. This time, he was doing almost the opposite—feeling stiff in a woman’s touch instead of melting into the comfort. He knew it was wrong and only then did he realize he had a choice.</p><p>“Mai?” He cleared his throat, his chest still rising and falling heavily but not with the same ferocity as it had before. “I think we should get back together.”</p><p>It was true. He didn’t <em>feel </em>like they should get back together but he absolutely thought it. Their relationship was rough, yeah, but they were really good friends and Zuko thought there was every chance they could make it work if they really tried. Yes, they’d been rather destructive to each other in the past and fueled a lot of their negative feelings, but Zuko was able to look past that and realize that since they broke up, they’d done nothing but help each other. They were in a good place. A great place. Everything was in line for them to be a great couple and if they were a couple then he and Sokka couldn’t do anything anymore and that would be at least one of a thousand weights lifted from his chest. Mai was there for him now, during his absolute worst, so she could be there for him when he was trying to be better, right?</p><p>“Sorry, <em>what</em>?” She almost laughed, though her expression held nothing but shock as she furrowed her brow. Several seconds passed before she went on as if she were waiting for him to say it was a joke, but he couldn’t. He was serious. Zuko slid out of her grasp to be able to see her straight on but they didn’t make eye contact; her stare was too intense. “Zuko, listen to me. There are a lot of reasons our relationship didn’t work out and you know what? In another life, I think we could get through those, but there’s something really, really important holding his back now. What was that, again? Oh, right. You’re <em>gay</em>.”</p><p>“But I don’t have to be.” Zuko knew that what he was saying was bullshit, that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t just make himself like girls, but he couldn’t stop the words from leaving his mouth. Someone referring to him as gay in <em>theory </em>made him sick; having to actually experience the stares from people around him when it happened was unbearable. He went on before Mai could even open her mouth. “I know we split up for a good reason and yeah, I called Sokka pretty a few times, but it doesn’t have to mean anything. I don’t <em>have </em>to like guys. Everyone always thought we were really good together and you have a strong noble family, so if we got back together, we could—”</p><p>“Stop, just stop. We’re not getting back together. What the fuck happened out there? What did they say to you? I told you before, I’m not going to be the person you’re hiding from yourself with. Seriously, it’s <em>painful </em>to watch you hate yourself over something as stupid as this and I want to help you get through it, not be the one you’re using to shield yourself. Plus, you and Sokka are way better together than you and I ever were. You should be with him, not trying to bury that part of yourself with me.”</p><p>“I can’t be with him, Mai. I can’t. I’m the <em>Fire Lord</em>. The people are expecting me to settle down with a wife and a family and if I showed up to an event with a <em>boyfriend</em>, there would be an outrage. You don’t know what it was like standing out there with all those people staring at me when that— when that guy accused me of being— You don’t know what it’s like to be in my position. Everything I do is scrutinized by thousands of people. I have to be careful of everything I do and I’m sick of it. If you and I just got back together, maybe I could make this one thing go away. Just one tiny little thing off my chest.”</p><p>“You can’t just make it go away. You have to learn to accept it.” Mai’s tone was bitter at first but softened as she went on. “You’re absolutely fine the way you are, Zuko. I know you think if you get back together with me you can just like, will the gay away, but that’s not how it works. You like Sokka, I know you do, and you should be with him. I’m here for you and I’m always going to be, but we’re not getting back together. We can’t do that anymore.”</p><p>He hated that she was right. He was trying to fix his issues in ways that weren’t possible, and it was reaching a point where he was only going to make things worse. Zuko wanted to like girls; to be normal and happy and the Fire Lord the people deserved but he couldn’t. He tried so damn hard and he did so damn much but none of it was enough. No amount of effort turned him into the person that his people needed, and it was painful. It was horrible trying to cope with the fact that he could never be who he was supposed to. Positive figure? Nope, just a depressed, anxious mess. Strong wife? No, because his stupid ass was only into men. Confident leader? Absolutely not, he was incapable of speaking with anyone face-to-face. He could go on and on about the things he was doing wrong but it hurt more and so he opened his mouth to try and say something else, but all that came out was a whimper. Zuko hung his head over his chest, taking a deep breath before he nodded and tried again.</p><p>“Thank you, Mai,” he mumbled. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”</p><p>“I don’t know what I would do without you either.” She pulled him back into a quick hug, pressing her head against his shoulder. “So, don’t die on me, okay? I need you.”</p><p>Again, all he found himself able to do was nod before Mai double- and triple-checked that he was okay and went back into the palace. Zuko stood up too, intending to go back to his bedroom and lie down for a while, but he got a little sidetracked on the way. Not physically, but mentally in a way that slowed him down worse than it should have. Because he had thoughts running all around in his mind, questioning what the people said to him. That he wasn’t as good a ruler as his father (which he knew was utter bullshit but it solidified his idea that he was at risk of assassination at all times), that he was visibly falling apart (as he had been for his whole reign), that he wasn’t trustworthy enough for them to believe that he was just ill for a week (completely understandable).</p><p>Somehow, he needed to turn that around. He needed to find a way to get the people to look to him as a true, trustworthy ruler. He needed to stop them from thinking he was everything he didn’t want to be—depressed, chronically anxious, <em>gay</em>—until he could find a way to make those things go away. Zuko thought hard as he walked over to his room, trying to find a way to do those things and not want to kill himself in the process. Because, of course, he was already on the edge of a complete and utter breakdown as it were and if he tried to repress further, to do things that would inevitably make him hate himself and his thoughts even more, it was only going to make things worse. But it didn’t matter in the long run because it would be better for the people and they were the ones who deserved the care, not him.</p><p>Zuko kept up his train of thought all the way until he ran out of ideas and decided to change paths because he wasn’t going to get anything from lying down for an hour. Instead, he turned down a different hall, heading for the royal library which contained all the information he could ever need. He wasn’t sure exactly what was in there, but he hoped he would find enough to teach him how to be a better Fire Lord because having to run out on his people for cause of a panic attack was weak and pathetic and he knew he couldn’t let it happen again. Zuko doubted anyone who came before him had ever dealt with the same thing, but he almost hoped they did, if only to find record for how they managed to deal with it. He went through books, records, scrolls, <em>everything</em>, but he couldn’t find the answers he needed. He went back hundreds of years through Fire Nation history but everything he found just said that rulers were either loved or feared. None of them were viewed as weak or untrustworthy the way he was. He kept looking regardless, hoping that if he searched through enough, he would find something, but ended up slamming the book shut and sliding it away when the library door suddenly swung open.</p><p>“Hello?” It was Toph who called out, though he could hear two definitive pairs of feet. He didn’t respond, shrinking back into the bookcase he’d been leaning against. “Zuko, I know you’re there; I can feel you. Are you okay?”</p><p>Of course, it was Sokka at her side and when they knelt beside him, he only shrugged. Was he fine? Not really. He still felt sick from before and was going through centuries of history to figure out if there was a way to fix himself because he genuinely believed he was broken, partially because, surely enough, he’d also discovered that there had been <em>no </em>openly gay Fire Lords in the past even before the law passed, though a few had never married. That only made him all the more afraid of being who he really was, and he read through a few more interesting looking books to find anything about how to make that go away, but none of the books talked about it and if they did, he felt like they’d only go either his way, which was to bury his feelings forever, or Mai’s way, which was to accept who he was and stop fighting the fact that he was really into guys.</p><p>“We lost track of you in the crowds and your bodyguards said you went back inside but we couldn’t find you,” said Sokka, sitting down beside Zuko. He tried to put a hand on Zuko’s knee, but he pulled away; the image of everyone staring at him attacking his mind. He avoided Sokka’s gaze, unable to see whether he was hurt by the reaction. “Is everything all right? Did something happen out there?”</p><p>“No, nothing happened.” Zuko shook his head quickly, not wanting to explain a lick of what went down with the news people, nor what happened with Mai afterward. He was already starting to feel like shit for acting like being gay was somehow a choice, even if he was in hysterics and only the two of them knew what happened. “I just— I don’t know, I got really overwhelmed with all the crowds and people talking over each other and I tried to get my bodyguards to help but people were on me at all sides and it was freaking me out because I never let people stand on my left, since I can’t fucking process that they’re there, but there were so many people that I couldn’t— shit.”</p><p>“What do you mean you can’t process that they’re there?” asked Toph, clearly either missing or ignoring the fact that he’d cut himself off because he was so busy trying not to tell the truth about what happened with the reporters that he accidentally brought up something else he didn’t want to talk about. “What does that mean, ‘process’? What are you talking about?”</p><p>“I can’t— I can’t really— my senses are fucked, okay? Everything on that side of my face is fucked.” He closed his eyes. Zuko knew that he’d already told Sokka at some point, when he was drunk out of his mind, but it didn’t make it any easier to say it when he was sober. “I can’t really feel anything where I was burned because of nerve damage or something? And I’m not deaf but everything on that side sounds muffled, and I can’t even open my eye all the way but when I can it’s— I don’t have any peripheral vision and I can’t <em>really </em>see anything? Like, it’s all just fuzzy. I know where people are if they’re in front of me and I can tell when people are talking to my left but I can’t understand what they’re saying or doing and that’s, I guess, what I mean by ‘process’. That’s why I don’t like having people on my left because I can’t fucking tell where they are or what they’re saying to me and it’s stupid, but it stresses me out <em>so bad</em>.”</p><p>“That’s not stupid. Thinking it’s stupid is stupid. That shit stresses me out too. Why do you think I hated riding on Appa so much? Because I can’t see anything! You should have said something sooner, Zuko. We could’ve been tag-teaming blind jokes this entire time!”</p><p>He couldn’t help but smile at the comment as Sokka wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Toph’s right, Zuko. I know I already mentioned it to you before, but we aren’t going to tell anyone, and we aren’t going to think any less of you for it either. I mean, my urge to kill your dad is growing by the second, but I don’t feel any different about <em>you</em>, pretty boy.”</p><p>“Please don’t start making out,” Toph groaned, before Zuko could even react to the blush attacking his cheeks. “There’s nowhere for me to put my feet up in here!”</p><p>Luckily for her, Zuko was not in any headspace where he felt comfortable kissing a boy, so they settled for a hug instead and it was the only thing he needed to feel better that day. He still wasn’t positive looking into the future, however, and knew that there was only one option if he really wanted to find out how to be the strong, confident, powerful leader that the people wanted from him. The option that he’d managed to avoid so far, and which had gotten Manzo fired. Against all of his wishes, everything inside his head <em>screaming </em>at him to not, he had to do it. He had to face his biggest fears.</p><p>Even if it felt like the worst decision he could possibly make.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0050"><h2>50. Chapter Forty-Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, has anyone talked to Zuko today?”</p><p>Mai was the one who asked the question, but Sokka was just about ready to do it himself. They were all sitting around the dinner table—him, Mai, Azula, and Toph; Katara had accompanied Aang to somewhere near Omashu, Suki and Ty Lee were staying at the latter’s house, and Hakoda was getting acquainted with the Northern Water Tribe Ambassador—but Zuko’s seat was empty and he was nowhere to be seen. He hadn’t been around for breakfast or lunch either, thinking about it, but Sokka had been so busy worrying about getting ready to leave that he hadn’t quite left his own room for longer than a few minutes to grab food and come back. He kind of just figured he missed Zuko on the way, and hoped that was still the case, unless Zuko had gotten his food brought right to his room again which <em>was</em> a possibility.</p><p>Everyone else must’ve been thinking the same thing, contemplating whether they’d actually been able to speak with him or even see him that day, because silence fell over them for a few long seconds before they all agreed that they hadn’t seen Zuko. Sokka nearly stood up right away, to see if he could find out what was going on, but Mai urged him to sit back down, explaining that dealing with Zuko on an empty stomach wasn’t easy and it was better he got his strength first. Besides, there was still every chance that he was just busy with work and he’d show up later, but Sokka didn’t think so. He was acting seriously weird earlier, after giving his address, and even though he said he wasn’t upset about anything, something about him was just fundamentally <em>off</em>. Sokka didn’t know what it was and couldn’t get him to talk about it—he’d pretty much shut himself off after admitting to Toph that he was basically half deaf and blind on his left side—but he was worried. Which was why he was kicking himself for not remembering to check on Zuko that day when he absolutely should have.</p><p>His focus was shit and it was getting worse. Sokka knew that he needed to do better, that he needed to start homing in on one thing instead of having twenty projects going at a time, but he couldn’t do it. He tried to focus on one thing and ended up stuck on four others, consistently got distracted on his way to get things done, and was increasingly incapable of keeping still to the point where it was driving him insane. Plus, he was getting stupidly sensitive over his lack of focus, as Katara thought it was something to joke around about and while he did his best to play it off as silly sibling teasing like it was supposed to be, it reached a point where he knew he was messed up and he just didn’t know how to fix it. So, instead of trying to find a way, he slid into his dad’s room before he woke up to grab more painkillers because he couldn’t fix his brain but at least he could do something about his leg.</p><p>“I’m not asking because I don’t know if he ate,” Mai went on, after no one provided her with an acceptable answer. “Not that I don’t think that’s something to worry about, but he was really freaking out after that thing yesterday and I was just wondering if he said anything to you guys about it. I know the five of us are pretty much the people he trusts most in the world aside from his uncle, so…”</p><p>“Well, he hasn’t said anything to me,” Azula declared, not seeming the least bit bothered though Sokka had realized a long time ago that she was damn good at hiding her emotions and could very well be freaking out on the inside. “I’m not even surprised. He decided to go out and speak with the crowd like an idiot. He knows he doesn’t do well with crowds and he could’ve just stayed on the platform where he was safe but <em>no</em>, he had to go and get involved with the people.”</p><p>“That’s his job,” cut in Sokka, crossing his arms firmly. “His entire duty is to do what’s best for the people. How is he supposed to do that if he never interacts with them? You know what, don’t answer that. We shouldn’t be arguing about this. I’m going to go check on him really quick, I’ll be back in a few minutes. Hopefully with him, I don’t know for sure.”</p><p>He didn’t wait to hear another word before he headed out of the dining hall, turning straight out to go toward Zuko’s chambers where he hoped beyond anything he would find his friend just sitting at his desk doing work. Sokka kicked himself again for not checking in on him earlier, for allowing his brain to get as stupid and spacey as it had when there was someone there who needed him. That was his biggest downfall in life, of course—never being good enough. He did his best every single day, but he wasn’t ever good enough and people always said that he was, but he <em>wasn’t</em>. If Sokka was the person he was supposed to be, the strong man who could lead an entire tribe like he’d always wanted, then he wouldn’t have to have people reassuring him that he was smart and tough all the time. He wouldn’t need people to help him when his entire purpose in life was to care for and protect the people he loved, not the other way around.</p><p>Though he was not planning to make any stops on the way to Zuko’s room, Sokka ended up getting interrupted about halfway there, when he turned a corner and ended up face-to-face with his dad and Suki, who didn’t look entirely happy. Hakoda seemed almost concerned and angry, while Suki just seemed a little frustrated like she couldn’t get through to him. She shrugged to Sokka when he gave her a look, and he was forced to turn and ask what was happening; sending one last, longing look in the direction of Zuko’s bedroom before he fully changed his course.</p><p>“Dad? Suki?” He frowned; his brow furrowed as he headed over to meet them. “I thought you were staying with Ty Lee. And weren’t you supposed to be at some restaurant talking about the tribes?”</p><p>“I was, but I overheard a lot of people talking and I thought I should come back here,” said Hakoda, his tone deep and serious. He glanced over his shoulder, as if looking for someone who wasn’t there. “Is Zuko around? I’d like to speak to him about something concerning his public image.”</p><p>“Uh, no, I was just going to look for him. Why? What happened? You can tell me, Dad. It’s fine.”</p><p>He hesitated for the longest time before nodding for Sokka and Suki to follow him down to a quieter hallway. Once they were out of the main path, he glanced over his shoulder again. “There were a lot of people talking about some of the questions that the reporters were asking him yesterday, and one of them kept coming up again and again and it wasn’t painted in a consistent light but there were some people who were… very angry about it. I’m actually kind of worried for his safety right now.”</p><p>“What?” It was Suki who spoke first, her entire face twisted in concern and confusion. “What are you talking about? What question?”</p><p>“Apparently there’s a rumor going around that the Fire Lord is… homosexual.”</p><p>Sokka choked on his own spit and had to cough several embarrassing times to get it out of his throat. Both his dad and Suki looked to him like they were worried, but he just held up a finger to let them know he was fine, hoping they would think he was just shocked by the news, not by the fact that he was the one who’d been making out with and straddling the Fire Lord, and probably started all those rumors in the first place. Not to mention the fact that Hakoda had said the words with such uncertainty, as if he were bothered by the mere <em>idea </em>of Zuko liking men when he didn’t even know if it was true. Sokka wasn’t sure whether he was just stressed and reading into things, but he felt like it did not bode well for his potential or eventual coming out.</p><p>“Sorry,” he said a few seconds later, waving a hand for them to continue. “I think I was just a little… surprised. It’s good, though. I’m fine. Keep talking. Did you say that you were worried about Zuko’s safety? What are these people saying?”</p><p>“Well, like I said, I don’t know if any of this is true and I doubt it is given that he has— had? Okay, <em>had</em> a girlfriend, but there were some people who were talking about it like they were excited and a few I overheard who were basically penning death threats because they were already pissed over him legalizing same-sex relationships in the first place. Did you know he did that? I hadn’t heard about it.”</p><p><em>Yeah, I was the one who talked him into it</em>. “I think so, yeah, I sort of watched him announce it. I should probably go check on him. I haven’t— we haven’t seen him all day, so I was actually on my way to get him for dinner since Mai was getting worried. I’ll let him know what you heard, Dad, in case he feels like he needs to up his security or anything. Thanks for telling me, he’s had a lot of assassination attempts already so we have to take all these threats pretty seriously.”</p><p>“Hey, hold on a sec.” Hakoda sounded a little concerned too, and Sokka’s heart <em>pounded </em>when he realized his dad might’ve noticed the couple missing painkillers. He didn’t. “You started packing yet? I don’t want you cramming it all tomorrow night.”</p><p>“No, it’s fine. I’m good. I just have to find Zuko. I’ll talk to you later. Sorry.”</p><p>With that, Sokka turned to head back for Zuko’s room, quickly noticing that Suki followed behind him. She had an almost knowing look on her face, but didn’t say anything, just trailing him as if she wanted to know whether her friend was okay too. Sokka didn’t argue. He had no idea what he was going to find in Zuko’s room, and he was honestly terrified of it being something bad, so having someone at his side was absolutely welcome. They knocked once arriving at his door, waiting for an answer, but got none. Glancing over at Suki, Sokka carefully pushed the door open, worried that something had happened, and froze when he saw Zuko slumped over his desk. He ran over to his side, wanting to make sure nothing horrible went down, but only sighed when he realized that Zuko had just fallen asleep on some paperwork to do with the education reform, as well as something else. He carefully slid the paper out from under Zuko’s arm, one hand slamming up to his mouth and his eyes going wide when he saw it.</p><p>“He saw a therapist.” When Suki turned to him, the look on her face just as shocked, he shook his head to clarify. “He <em>tried</em>. This pretty much says he tried, panicked, and left, but he has all the paperwork here to do it again. All this is just information about what it would be like if he went through with it. He really— He was really going to do it.”</p><p>The fact that Zuko was going to do it and Sokka still couldn’t even fathom it wasn’t the right thing to focus on. He dropped the paper back on the desk, planning to discuss it more later, then reached around to take one of Zuko’s arms around his shoulders. Suki leapt in too, grabbing onto his other arm to help the sleepy Fire Lord over to the bed. He dragged his feet a little as they moved, signaling that he might be slightly awake, but didn’t say anything nor open his eyes. Sokka climbed over the bed to help Zuko in while Suki just lifted him over the side, watching them in silence as she did so. They let him down and Sokka pulled a blanket over him, intending to get right back out of bed, but it wasn’t as easy as he expected. Suddenly, Zuko reached around Sokka’s waist, letting out a deep breath as he rested his head on his chest. Sokka made a face, inhaling sharply as he looked up to the ceiling, blinking repeatedly. Suki knew. She wasn’t stupid. She definitely, <em>definitely</em> knew and there was no way out of it now. So, instead of playing stupid, he shifted into Zuko, consequently turning himself to face Suki.</p><p>“So, this is awkward.”</p><p>“It’s fine, Sokka.” Suki smiled, keeping her voice low so as not to wake their friend. “I kind of already figured it out. I admit, you did throw me off a bit when you were describing him because you really homed in on the sweet parts but… I knew it the first time I saw you together after we got here. The way you looked at him was just… it reminded me of the way you used to look at me when we were together. Just so much love and appreciation. I— I’m really happy for you, Sokka.”</p><p>“I mean, there’s not much to be happy about.” Sokka’s voice was even quieter, since Zuko was literally on top of him. “It’s— It’s complicated. We’re not actually together or anything. Not that I don’t want to be, I like him a <em>lot </em>but it’s not— it’s not that simple and even if it was, I don’t even know if he likes me back or if it’s just… I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about it.”</p><p>“Are you serious? Look at you.” She gestured to them, the small curl of her lips staying fix in place as Sokka followed her hand to where Zuko was curled up at his side, head resting on Sokka’s sternum. “I know you’re not great at catching cues, but he wouldn’t do that if he didn’t like you. <em>Especially </em>not Zuko. You know how he is with people. The fact that you make him feel safe enough to want to sleep at your side it’s— he likes you, Sokka. I know he does.”</p><p>“Well, he <em>has </em>fallen asleep on me at least four times now.”</p><p>“See? You know it too; you just have to talk to him about it. Maybe not when people are thinking about sending him death threats over the possibility that he might be—” when Suki gave him a questioning look, Sokka only nodded “—okay, that he’s gay, but still. Talk to him. It took me a bit to get the courage to ask out Ty Lee too but believe me, it’s worth it. You know it is.”</p><p>Sokka watched as Suki gave him one more smile before leaving the room, then turned his attention to the Fire Lord sleeping on top of him. He lifted one hand to play with Zuko’s messy topknot, wondering whether he’d done it himself because it didn’t look like the hairdressers had taken care of it. After a few seconds, he decided it didn’t matter and carefully took the pins out, allowing Zuko’s hair to drop over his neck. It wasn’t <em>that </em>long when it was down, maybe to the center of his bicep, but it was fluffy and soft and beautiful and every time Sokka saw it like that he had a tiny gay panic, regardless of how messy it was. He smiled as he dragged his fingers through it, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of Zuko’s head. He didn’t know when or if he would get the courage to talk to Zuko like Suki said, but he didn’t know whether it really mattered that much either. They both knew what they were doing, even if they didn’t talk about it. He knew they did.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Considering it was rather early when they found him at his desk, Sokka didn’t expect Zuko to sleep for long, but he thought wrong. Zuko didn’t wake up until early the next morning, at which point he’d apparently decided not to move because when Sokka woke up, he found Zuko lying with his eyes open and his head on Sokka’s shoulder, snuggled under his arm. Sokka couldn’t help but smile waking up to that and part of him wished he could do it every day, though he knew it was entirely impractical and would never work out given the fact they lived on different continents and were both in charge of very different but equally important things. Though he himself was happy, Sokka couldn’t tell what Zuko thought about the situation as his face was absolutely blank; his eyes staring straight ahead.</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka pushed back a lock of hair that was sliding down Zuko’s chin, tucking it behind his ear before he spoke again. “You all right?”</p><p>“Your leg hurth.” It was the last thing Sokka expected to come out of his mouth, but it did, and as soon as the words were said, Sokka was aware of the fact that his leg was, in fact, sore for no good reason. He winced when he tried to move it, and Zuko gripped onto his shirt tighter, nuzzling into his chest. “You were making thoundth in your thleep, like it wath in pain. Are you okay?”</p><p>“No, yeah, I’m fine. My painkillers probably just wore off.” Speaking of, he had a <em>killer </em>headache and no idea where it was coming from. “Hey, did you eat anything yesterday? No one remembered talking to you the whole day. We were getting worried. That’s actually when I came in here. I wasn’t planning to stay but you kind of latched onto me after I dragged you into bed. Oh, Suki knows about us, by the way. She kind of saw it happen.”</p><p>“Whatever. Ithn’t the dating Ty Lee? The doethn’t care.”</p><p>Sokka spent way too long focusing on Zuko’s fucking adorable sleepy lisp and realized several seconds later that he hadn’t actually responded. “No, she doesn’t. She just said she was happy for us. Not that there technically <em>is </em>an us, but—”</p><p>“That’th my fault, that’th not your fault.” Zuko snuggled deeper into Sokka’s chest, and Sokka squeezed his arm tighter around the other boy to make him feel cozier or safer or more loved; whatever he was absently going for. Did that mean Zuko <em>did </em>want to be with him in that way? He forced himself not to overthink it. “I athked Mai to get back together with me. It wath thtupid. I know. But I wath freaking out about thingth the people were thaying and— I don’t know. I thought— I didn’t want to be gay but I really— I really like waking up to you. And I know I didn’t anthwer your quethtion earlier tho no, I didn’t eat anything yethterday. I wath working on thtuff. It wathn’t on purpoth. I wath doing thomething— thomething elthe. But I have a big brunch thing thith morning tho I’ll eat thomthing there. You can come and make thure if you want.”</p><p>“Are you asking me if <em>I </em>want to come or are you asking me because <em>you</em> want me to come?”</p><p>“I’m athking you becauthe I hate the fucking athholeth I’m meeting with and I already know I’m going to have an anthiety attack. Thome of the nobleth are gonna be there too, you’ll fit right in. Jutht bring your dad and Katara and if they athk we’ll thay the Chief of the Water Tribe ith here, and I invited him and hith kidth for the latht day of your vithit. It’th a whole big thing tho they probably won’t even notithe if anyone elthe cometh.”</p><p>“Oh, okay.” Sokka furrowed his brow, trying to figure out what the fuck this brunch was that he hadn’t yet heard about it and yet could fit right in like he was meant to be there the entire time. Instead of continuing to ponder over this in a way which guaranteed him no answers, Sokka decided to just ask. “What’s this brunch for? Are you talking about politics, or…?”</p><p>“No. It’th a thing for the nobleth? I don’t remember, it’th thomething thtupid.” Zuko yawned, running a hand over his eyes, and pushing his tangled hair out of his face. “An anniverthary maybe? I don’t know, it’ll take like an hour. I forgot about it tho it’th not in my thchedule, and— actually I think I have to get up now or I’m going to end up mithing the entire thing. Hey, can you do me a really big favor?”</p><p>His heart pounded, wondering what Zuko might ask of him. “Uh, yeah, sure. What is it?”</p><p>“Can you put my hair up?” He reached around to the nightstand where Sokka had left the pins the evening before, turning to hold them out to him. “I am really thit at it and I’m altho like half-athleep right now tho it’th jutht going to turn out worth. And before you thay anything, I know I have people who can do it for me, but they get their handth all over me and it maketh me <em>really </em>uncomfortable tho I’m jutht taking a break from that for a bit.”</p><p>Sokka nearly asked to make sure that Zuko was okay with <em>him</em> touching his hair, but then he realized that the guy wouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t, and given that he’d been absently playing with Zuko’s hair since he woke up, it probably wasn’t a big deal anyway. So, he did what was asked of him and helped Zuko put his hair into a topknot. He tried not to get himself talking too much, not to make Zuko say anything if he wasn’t ready, but the guilt of carrying another secret was already crushing him and he didn’t know how to go on without telling Zuko the truth.</p><p>“I saw the scroll on your desk,” he said quietly, dragging the comb back through Zuko’s hair. Zuko stiffened at the words, but he didn’t pull away. “For the therapist, I mean. I’m really proud of you.”</p><p>“There’th nothing to be proud of,” Zuko told him, his fingers twisting uncomfortably in his lap. “I didn’t do it. I thought I could, but the woman athked if I ever went to therapy before and I jutht— I jutht <em>cracked</em>. I didn’t even thay anything, I wath jutht thitting there <em>crying</em>. The Fire Lord. <em>Crying</em>. And the told me it wath okay even though it wathn’t and that’th when I got the thcroll and thit. Becauthe the wanted me to try again.”</p><p>“Are you going to?”</p><p>He hesitated. “I don’t know.”</p><p>More than anything, Sokka wanted to talk to him about it more, to know what it was like and if Zuko thought it was a good idea for <em>him </em>to try it too, but he didn’t. Instead, he finished the topknot with a kiss right below it and squeezed Zuko’s shoulders to let him know he was done. Once that was settled, they went their own ways to get dressed, agreeing to meet up in the dining hall. Apparently, Zuko was dead set on having Sokka sit in his usual seat to the left, regardless of who else thought they were entitled to the seats at the front of the table. Sokka didn’t argue this, and kindly told the higher-ranking nobles that he’d be taking the spot nearest the front of the table. They were a little bitter at first but shut up as soon as Zuko strode into the room, looking notably more awake than he had before.</p><p>After several minutes of droning conversation and delicious food, Sokka found that he was no closer to understanding the occasion than he was upon first walking in. He had no idea what they were celebrating or mourning or anything as the nobles just kept going on about politics and personal lives and all kinds of stuff that just wasn’t interesting. Sokka reached under the table after he noticed Zuko wasn’t eating anything, wrapping their pinky fingers around each other. It wasn’t quite the same as holding hands, but it gave Zuko the push he needed to consume something that wasn’t yet another cup of tea. He didn’t seem quite so anxious as Sokka was expecting but was certainly just as bored as Sokka was; barely engaging in the conversation when not spoken to first and spending more time pushing around his chopsticks than anything else. Until, of course, someone had to go and turn the event into a shitshow.</p><p>“So, Fire Lord Zuko,” said one of the older noble women, who’d likely known him since he was a child, “we’ve all heard the rumors. Give us a little insight. Is it true that you’re planning to come out as a homosexual in the next few weeks?”</p><p>“<em>What</em>?” Zuko’s eyes went wide, his chopsticks clattering against the plate as they slid right out of his hand. He shook his head frantically, tearing out of Sokka’s grasp despite clearly needing reassurance. “No. No, that’s not true at all. Who the fuck is spreading those rumors? Where are you hearing this?”</p><p>“See, honey,” piped up the man beside the first woman, ignoring Zuko’s questions, “I <em>told </em>you that Fire Lord Ozai couldn’t have a gay son. That man might have been an abomination but even he knew to teach his children better than to disgrace the nation like that.”</p><p>Quiet laughter spread around the table, but neither Sokka nor any of his friends joined in. Zuko gripped the edge of the table, biting down on his lip hard enough for it to bleed. Sokka nearly said something to him, wanting to help, except he couldn’t catch the Fire Lord’s attention and he felt like it was the wrong time to be getting anywhere near him physically. It hurt to stay away when he realized it was bad enough that Zuko’s fingertips were burning the edge of the table, but there was nothing he could do. Not without making the situation worse.</p><p>“I’ve been wondering about that anyway.” It was Mai’s father who spoke, and his tone alone made Sokka want to break his nose. “Were you bribed or something, Fire Lord Zuko? I know you have a soft spot for the people, but I never expected <em>you </em>to be the one to advocate for same-sex rights.”</p><p>“I didn’t advocate for it, I just legalized it. It’s not the government’s place to make decisions about something like that.”</p><p>“Really? Because everything your father and his father and his father before him used to say, well, that told a different story. Fire Lord Sozin had his reasons for outlawing it, you know. Did you read up on that before you made your decision?”</p><p>“I—”</p><p>“Why don’t you just shut the fuck up?” snapped Mai suddenly, glaring at her father with body language ready to kill. “Zuko was kind enough to give you a second chance after the shit you pulled with Ozai and <em>this </em>is how you repay him? By questioning his decisions. You’re a fucking asshole, Dad. I can’t believe Mom hasn’t dumped your ass yet.”</p><p>“Mai, how dare you—!”</p><p>“How dare <em>I</em>? You’re the one who’s questioning the Fire Lord’s decisions because your sorry ass doesn’t think people should be allowed to be gay.”</p><p>“No, I’m just saying that it’s a damn good thing those rumors aren’t true,” started her definite asshole father, “because even if it’s legal here now, there’s no way the Earth Kingdom would ever want to work with a homosexual in such a position of power. Fire Lord Ozai knew that, that’s why he always tried so hard to teach you kids the right from wrong.”</p><p>“<em>Stop!</em>” Zuko slammed his burning hands onto the table as he shoved his chair back, chest rising and falling heavily. Sokka nearly reached out for his hand, wanting to help him relax but he stood his ground, knowing he couldn’t do anything without making it worse. “We’re not fucking debating this. I already made my decision and I’m not going back on it so berating me for it isn’t going to do shit. And the rumors are just that. Rumors. So, fuck off, all right? And Ukano, Mai is right, I gave you enough fucking tries. You want to bone my father? Go to fucking prison with him. You’re done. Everyone else get out. I don’t even know what the fuck this was for in the first place but it’s not fulfilling that purpose anymore.”</p><p>Without another word, Zuko turned and stormed out of the dining hall, not sparing one glance back to the friends and nobles he was leaving behind. Everyone went shock silent for several seconds, before Suki, Mai, and Azula turned into what appeared to be an unintentional team; going off at the assholes who caused the situation and those laughed like it was some kind of joke. Sokka was actually enjoying the show, as the girls were pretty much ripping apart the homophobic assholes, but he couldn’t tell what his dad was saying and before he got the chance to find out whether he was defending Zuko or agreeing that as Fire Lord he couldn’t be into guys, Ty Lee tapped him on the shoulder, nodding for him to follow her into the hall. He realized quickly that they were looking for Zuko and turned the tables as he let her know that he was confident he knew where the Fire Lord went.</p><p>Unsurprisingly, they found him sitting beneath the tree beside the turtle duck pond; staring out at the water as his body shook with the same intensity as it had back in the dining hall. His hands were flaming just slightly, clenched into tight fists as he barely registered the presence of his friends coming up beside him. Ty Lee tried to gently place a hand on his shoulder, but he ripped away, his gaze turning straight back to the water. He was taking deep breaths as well, though it wasn’t clear whether he was doing it to catch his breath or because he was still so angry. Sokka assumed it to be a bit of both.</p><p>“Zuko, are you okay?” asked Ty Lee, her voice soft.</p><p>“No. I mean, yeah, I just—” Zuko didn’t sound sad or anxious, but like he wanted to strangle someone, and honestly, Sokka couldn’t blame him. “I’m pissed, okay? I’m pissed that I chose those people to work with me and to live in Fire Nation high society and this entire time, they’ve been— and the worst part is that they’re <em>right</em>. The Fire Lord can’t be gay. Especially not when we’re trying to do all the colony shit. The Earth Kingdom won’t know what to do. They’re even more grossly homophobic than the Fire Nation ever was and if I showed <em>any </em>interest in liking guys it would just—”</p><p>“Well then fuck them.” Yeah, maybe Sokka spoke a little bit for selfish reasons, but he wanted Zuko to have his freedom too. He wanted him to recognize the fact that he was in control of his damn nation and didn’t need any old assholes telling him that his personal feelings weren’t okay. “They don’t matter, Zuko. I know you need to be on good terms with them for political reasons, but this is not any of their business. Maybe you <em>should </em>just come out. It might convince them that it’s not bad like they think.”</p><p>“No, after everything I’ve done to them already, it’s not— <em>fuck</em>.” He shoved his hands through his hair, his hands shaking even worse than Sokka’s own. “Okay, I’m done. I can’t— I can’t do this anymore. I can’t let this shit keep happening to me. To the nation. I have— I have to fix this. I have to figure out what I’m doing wrong.”</p><p>“Wait, wait, Zuko, what are you talking about?” Ty Lee’s face fell as she knelt beside him, keeping her distance a couple feet. “It’s okay, I understand what you’re going through. I was really scared to tell my family that I liked girls, but you just have to be strong, okay? The worst part is going to be gone soon and then you’ll be happier, I promise. It’s not ideal but for me, it was the same way. My mom—”</p><p>“No, I don’t have to do that though. I don’t have to deal with it because I’m not gay. I’m not. I can’t be.” He sounded almost frantic and Sokka wanted to reach out, to hold him, to let him know that it was okay, but he couldn’t. Not only because he knew Zuko wouldn’t want to be touched, but because he didn’t <em>know </em>if it was okay. For him or for Zuko. He didn’t believe that they were the ones in the wrong, but as long as the colonies were at risk, there was too much at stake for them to do anything. “I just— I have to go figure this out. I have to be better.”</p><p>“Zuko, wait!”</p><p>He didn’t listen. Zuko turned and ran back into the palace, disappearing into the winding corridors within it. Sokka didn’t even try to follow. He dropped to his knees in defeat, his leg <em>aching </em>beneath him and Ty Lee’s look of fear and gentle reassurance the only thing stopping him from crashing right onto his face.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0051"><h2>51. Chapter Forty-Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The corridors were dark. Of course, the entire city was dark at that hour of the night, but it wasn’t like Zuko had a choice. If he left during any reasonable time of day, he’d be caught and stopped from doing what he needed to do. Because he didn’t have a choice anymore, did he? For the last three years, he’d done everything in his power to avoid letting it get to the point where he was so desperate for help he turned to the worst place to get it, but he couldn’t stop himself. He needed to know how to be better. How to be stronger, braver, <em>feared</em>. He wanted to be confident, powerful, and capable of being a part of the nuclear family that everyone expected the Fire Lord to have. But he was weak, pathetic, anxious, and for some reason, only attracted to boys. He was broken, untrustworthy, and already the victim of numerous harmful rumors and attacks on his life. He was doing something very wrong; he just didn’t know what it was. But there was someone who could tell him.</p><p>There were no words to describe how terrified Zuko was when he slipped into the prison that evening, his hood pulled over his head as he kept his eyes down, wanting as few people to see him as possible. If all went well, no one would have to know what happened and no one would have to try to understand why he did what he did because they wouldn’t. They’d tell him that he sought advice from a sick abuser who could do nothing right but if he really did <em>nothing </em>right, the way Zuko wanted to believe, then why were so many people still advocating for him? Why did so many people continue to bring him up as if he were someone to be revered instead of despised? Abuser or not, he’d done <em>something</em> right with his time on the throne and Zuko wanted to know what it was. He <em>wanted </em>the horrible comments and harsh words that he failed to listen to as a child, that could turn him into the strong, confident Fire Lord that the nation needed.</p><p>Each time he was forced to identify himself to one of the prison guards, Zuko threatened them should they tell anyone what they saw. He felt like a jackass doing it, but he couldn’t risk anyone knowing what he did. He couldn’t risk people finding out that he crumbled and sought advice from someone he’d told himself he would never speak to again. The further he got through the halls of the prison, the harder his heart pounded in his chest and the more difficult it became to breathe, but he forced himself to relax. He couldn’t turn back, not after everything he’d gone through to convince himself to go in the first place. He needed the help, the advice, the secrets to being someone that was looked up upon instead of down. Zuko had no intentions of following in his father’s footsteps but if he could just figure out how to be strong while doing the things he was already working on, then that would be everything he and the people ever desired.</p><p>Zuko sent one last look to the guard outside the cell before he stepped inside, his breath catching in his throat as he slid his hood down. It was stupid to be as scared as he was, and he hated himself for how weak he was acting considering the man was stuck in a cell with no way out. That there were several feet between them and no possible chance of closing that distance and still, Zuko found himself unable to move for several long seconds, struggling to breathe as he pushed forward into the room. He needed to have the conversation. There was no other choice. He didn’t have time to fuck around with anything else and the only way to become a better Fire Lord was to get advice from the man they kept comparing him to against his wishes. Zuko nearly sat down but decided not to, unable to push himself down that last step to vulnerability as he watched the graying man turn around; his eyes narrowed in disgust.</p><p>“Three years you’ve held the title of Fire Lord,” Ozai spat, his tone filled with disgust and disappointment, “and you still can’t stop shaking like you did when you were a child. Makes me wonder how else you’ve let down your people during your reign.”</p><p>He wanted to shoot back immediately, to say something about how he’d been doing a better job than his father ever had, but he couldn’t. Zuko was frozen where he sat because he knew that he was doing exactly what Ozai said—letting down his people. They needed him to be strong and confident, but he was anxious and depressed. They needed him to have a solid bloodline and a wife, but he was only attracted to men. They needed him to make decisions for everyone and negotiate with the most powerful people in the world, like he was supposed to be too, but he felt like a child every time he sat in a room with them and each time felt more pathetic than the last. He was slipping further and further by the day and the only reason he’d gone to see his father in the first place was to try and reel it back. To fix who he was as the Fire Lord because hope for Zuko himself was already too far gone.</p><p>“That’s why I’m here, Father.” He didn’t want to admit to his failures but there was no other way to do it. “I’ve come to seek your advice.”</p><p>Ozai almost smiled and the expression made Zuko feel sick to his stomach. It took everything not to show that on his face but if there was one thing he learned during his childhood, it was not to show weakness. Not to let anyone, especially his father, know when he was upset or scared because that only made things worse. The smile quickly fell from his father’s face as he narrowed his eyes, leaving a lengthy silence before he spoke. Zuko’s heart pounded even harder as he waited, wondering what his father was going to say. That he didn’t deserve the advice? That he was already too far gone and should just give up the throne? He wouldn’t listen to that if Ozai said it, of course, but he still didn’t want to hear the words. He didn’t want everything he felt to be said by someone, even if it was the person who caused most or all of those issues with himself in the first place.</p><p>“You’ve come to ‘theek’ my advice or <em>seek </em>my advice?”</p><p>Instantly, Zuko clapped a hand over his mouth, his heart quickening its pace. It was manipulation. Pure, unadulterated manipulation and he was falling right into the trap. His mother spent years trying to convince him that the way he spoke was nothing to be ashamed of, and even Azula stopped making fun of him for it after a certain point, but his father never let up. Ozai burned him, berated him, punished him until he’d finally gone through enough miserable, suffering therapy sessions to pronounce his Fire Lord’s name. Because that was the most important part, of course. It was never about Zuko or doing what was best for him, it was about making sure that he didn’t embarrass his father or the nation in front of hundreds of people because he couldn’t even introduce himself without fucking up his own name. Zuko carefully lowered the hand from his mouth, trying to ward off the last of his fears.</p><p>“The people don’t trust me,” Zuko went on, pushing past the painful comment. He tried to be as diplomatic as he could, stating the words as fact instead of as a sob story. “It used to just be a small lack of confidence that I believed to be from the cultural shift but recently, they’ve been spreading rumors, and believing in conspiracies. I’ve tried going through history books, reading up on everything I can, but I don’t know what I’m doing wr— differently from my ancestors. I can’t figure it out.”</p><p>He nearly cracked his persona when he started to say he was doing something wrong and he hoped beyond anything that his father didn’t catch it. If he was going to be believed, Zuko needed to act as if he were confident in what he was doing and only questioning the way it was perceived. Obviously, he was making different and better decisions than his ancestors had, but for some reason he wasn’t seen as someone as strong or powerful as they were despite holding the same title. That was what he was there for. That was what he needed Ozai to tell him about. Not question the decisions he’d made and tell him how wrong they were, just because the asshole wouldn’t have chosen those things himself.</p><p>“You’re weak and the people can sense that.” His tone was sour but firm in a way that Zuko couldn’t help but listen to, though he was unable to look up. That was a mistake. “Look at you now. You’re on the high ground, standing across from me in chains and you’re still too afraid to look me in the eye. <em>That </em>is why the people don’t trust you. Because you don’t even trust yourself.”</p><p>The words were intended to be harsh and cruel but in a way, they made sense because the truth was, Zuko <em>didn’t </em>trust himself. He second guessed every decision he made, never sure whether the people approved or even if <em>he </em>approved. That was part of why he enjoyed having Sokka around so much, because he finally had someone there who he trusted to make decisions with him, and to be honest about whether what he was doing was stupid. Not that he could ever tell that to Ozai, because what Zuko saw as support, his father would perceive as weak and he wasn’t there to get berated again, no matter how difficult it was to speak to his father without feeling like an insignificant piece of shit. Instead of blowing off the comment or taking it verbally, Zuko only nodded, accepting the answer as silently as he could.</p><p>“Did you or grandfather ever have to deal with people spreading lies about you?”</p><p>Ozai hesitated for several long seconds, leaving space for his son’s discomfort to stir. It was something he’d been doing to Zuko for as long as he’d been alive, though he never truly understood why until they were standing there in the cell, only a few feet apart as Ozai did everything he could to get in a position of power over his son. Zuko wanted to resist the manipulative techniques, to do anything he could to stop himself from falling into the trap, but it was already getting into his head and he felt like shit and even though he knew it was what his father wanted, all he truly felt like doing was breaking down. The tense air was too much for him to handle and staring at his father’s terrifying face as he waited for an answer was too much. He turned his gaze away just before Ozai resumed.</p><p>“That depends on what you mean by ‘lies’,” he said finally. “Every Fire Lord has dealt with rumors in their own way.”</p><p>Rather than speaking immediately, to let his father know what he was talking about so he could get the answer that he needed, Zuko froze again because he couldn’t say that, right? He couldn’t tell the truth about the fact that he was both gay and mentally crumbling, exactly like he’d spent years saying he wasn’t. Not only because it would make Ozai laugh at his expense but because it would give him more material to bully him with. At the same time, he didn’t know what kind of things his father might have been through and realized that they couldn’t move forward with the conversation until he was honest about the rumors he was facing. Zuko swallowed hard, forcing himself to push forward and to remain standing despite his desires to drop down to his knees. He needed to hold the high ground.</p><p>“They’re telling people that I was covering up for a conspiracy,” Zuko admitted, his voice shaking far worse than he intended it to be, “that I am mentally unstable and should not be on the throne, and that I am…”</p><p>He couldn’t get the word out of his mouth and he knew exactly why. For one thing, he could barely even say it to himself, and for another, he couldn’t even admit it to most of his friends. How was he supposed to say it to the person he feared most in the world? Who he knew would detest him even more for it? Who would inevitably use the argument to strengthen his building argument that Zuko <em>wasn’t </em>fit for the throne? He couldn’t do it. The word caught in his throat and no matter how hard he tried to get it out, to just push past it because once he left the prison, it wouldn’t matter anyway, but he couldn’t say the word. Ozai stared him down, waiting for him to finish, and his stare was more powerful than a word he could say. When he finally spoke, the word came out as barely more than an embarrassing squeak and he wanted nothing more than to die right on the spot.</p><p>“…gay.”</p><p>Rather than saying anything back to him, Ozai let the word settle in the air as he smirked, as if he were somehow amused by the situation. Zuko couldn’t decide whether he preferred that to disgust, and ultimately concluded that they were equally bad as his gaze flickered back down to the floor. He couldn’t look at his father anymore. He couldn’t look at his terrifying gaze. The one that stared in his eyes as he screamed and sobbed for him to get away not just once but so many times; the worst of course being when the hand was on his face, burning him worse than he ever felt. Zuko instinctively placed a hand to his scar, dragging his hand down it and repeatedly telling himself that Ozai couldn’t hurt him anymore. That he no longer had his bending, and he was in prison, and he could never harm anyone again. But his mind didn’t want to listen and the anxiety in the pit of his stomach started to swell.</p><p>“The Fire Lord cannot be a homosexual.” His tone was flat but terrified Zuko in a way that stopped him from looking up again. Ozai wasn’t responding to the matter of rumors, he was responding to the allegation—no, the <em>fact</em>—that Zuko was gay. “You want to ‘rebuild’ the world, but they won’t listen to a gay man. The Air Nomads may have accepted it, but the Earth Kingdom has outlawed it and the Water Tribe is on the brink. To be a homosexual in your position of power would require you to make a choice. The Fire Nation or the world. Not that it is in any way a difficult one.”</p><p>Zuko thanked the spirits that his head was down when Ozai finished speaking because the first tear fell the moment he brought up the choice. Again, he was right. He hated it, he despised it, but his father was right. It wasn’t possible for him to be gay and retain his position of power, and knowing how horrible the world had been before he assumed the throne, Zuko refused to let it go which meant he’d have to stick to what he came for. He needed to find a way to stop himself from falling apart, from breaking down, from being the person the Fire Lord was never meant to be. Zuko took a deep breath, pretending to scratch his face so his father wouldn’t know that he was wiping away his tears. If there was one thing he wouldn’t do, it was cry in front of the man who’d abused him. He looked up, his eyes narrowed and his tone harsh when he spoke.</p><p>“I didn’t ask for your thoughts on that,” Zuko snapped, hoping he sounded as angry and threatening as he felt. “Your personal opinions are irrelevant to me. I’m here for history, not for you. How did you keep the people’s trust in you when you they were spreading lies? How did any Fire Lord do that? Grandfather, Great-Grandfather, <em>anyone</em>.”</p><p>“Fear.” Ozai turned to stare at his son again and Zuko averted his gaze. He knew it was weak, but he couldn’t look up to anyone for the last few weeks, and his father was no exception. “Your entire life, you sought love and I guarantee that is what you are doing as Fire Lord but your goal is not to make the people love you, it is to make them fear you. That is how you stop them from asking questions. I did it, my father did it, and his father before him. If you want them to stop, you must make them stop but unless you’ve somehow changed since I saw you last, that’s not something <em>you </em>are capable of.”</p><p>“I already told you, I’m not interested in your opinions.”</p><p>He turned around quickly, having asked all the questions he had, though none of them made him feel any better. Ozai had basically confirmed all of his worst fears—that if he wanted to be perceived as strong and confident the way his ancestors were, he’d have to make the people fear him. He needed to shove down all the feelings he had for boys and go back to pretending with a strong, noble woman. And, worst of all, he had to find some way to make himself stop hating himself so that he could trust himself enough for other people to trust him too. He didn’t know how to make that happen, or if he was even capable of making that happen, but he had to try. Zuko placed his hand on the door, about to demand the guard let him out, but stopped when his father called back to him, his tone dripping with manipulation.</p><p>“Don’t cry in front of your people. There’s no better way to make them dislike you.”</p><p>Zuko whipped around, his entire face filled with rage. “Fuck off, Ozai. I hope you live a long, miserable life rotting in this shit cell. You’re a disgusting, abusive <em>asshole </em>and you deserve every damn second of the pain.”</p><p>That was the last thing he said before he stormed out of the room, not glancing back once. He got the answers he needed, and he was not interested in treating his father like he was a person who deserved a true conversation. Zuko was sure he was fine, confident, and he felt proud as anything that he’d actually stood up to his father again. That he could tell people that, at least for the time being, that the last thing he said to his father was that he deserved to suffer. But then everything started to go downhill the second he spoke to a guard because he realized he was watching every word he said. Speaking slower than ever though he knew there was no reason to. His heart pounded, his lungs refusing to work the way they were meant to as he avoided everyone on his way out of the prison. He didn’t even feel like he was going to cry again and yet, for some reason, he felt terrified that they were all going to know that he had.</p><p>He took a deep breath as he stumbled out of the prison into the warm night air, throwing his hood back over his head to avoid the gazes of anyone who might see him walk by. Ozai got into his head. Against everything he’d tried, everything he did to keep himself sane and protect himself against the manipulation and abuse he’d faced for so long, Ozai got into his head and he couldn’t get him out. He couldn’t stop shaking, dabbing at his eyes, checking to make sure that he could speak without lisping or slurring his words. By the time Zuko made it halfway back to the palace, his heart was beating so fast, his lungs struggling so badly to breathe, that he couldn’t even think and he ended up finding a place to sit down against a wall because he couldn’t walk any further. His legs were numb, his chest hurt, and his head was pounding so bad that he couldn’t even think.</p><p>Zuko pulled his knees into his chest, wrapping his arms around himself as he tried to get grounded. He was spinning out of control and he knew it. It was the third time he’d had a panic attack <em>that week </em>and he was sick of it. Things were going too far, and he didn’t know how to stop it. Zuko knew that he needed to be better, that he needed to get rid of whatever bullshit was plaguing his mind and causing him to believe he wasn’t good enough but he couldn’t get it to go away and it made it even worse. He burned himself the second the tears stung at his eyes; his fingers leaving long marks on his arms where they dragged. Though he normally only did that in an absolutely erratic state, this was an exception and he found that he was fully aware of what he was doing. He burned himself again the moment he started to have thoughts about how stupid he was, trying to rid himself of the awful feelings that were ruining his nation and turning the people against him.</p><p>It didn’t take long for him to get himself composed enough to stand up again but when he did, his arms were white and pink and burned like absolute shit. The biggest problem with that, he realized, as he resumed his walk back to the palace, was that it worked. Burning himself, hurting himself, <em>mutilating himself </em>was somehow the way to keep from panicking. To cut off all the horrible thoughts that had been rushing through his mind. But he couldn’t keep doing it, right? It wasn’t sustainable. He wasn’t going to burn himself every time he had a panic attack or started to have bad thoughts. His arms were already throbbing and there was no way he could do anything else. He couldn’t go further with it and he resolved that as a fact. Zuko was trying to recover, not get worse, and burning himself was only going to put him at risk of someone finding out and sending him back into bed rest.</p><p>Rather than going in through the front door, Zuko slid around the back of the palace, trying to avoid the guards as he’d sneaked out without anyone knowing. He stayed close to the wall as he moved, wincing each time he struck his burning arms against it, and stopped when he finally reached the entrance he was planning to go in at. It was beyond the protected courtyard, so the security was lighter there and he wasn’t concerned about being caught. Until someone tapped him on the shoulder and he nearly leapt out of his shoes, that is.</p><p>He whipped around quickly, fire already lit in his hands to defend himself against the assassin because it <em>had </em>to be an assassin, but he stopped; dropping to his knees and letting out a deep sigh of relief when he realized that it was not someone trying to kill him, but Aang and Toph returning from their trip. Aang wrapped his arms around him suddenly and within seconds, Toph was on him too. On the one hand, Zuko felt like it was weak to accept the embrace from his friends but on the other, his head hurt, and his arms hurt, and he was fucking exhausted and wanted the embrace.</p><p>“Are you okay, Zuko?” asked Aang, when he and Toph pulled away several seconds later. “What are you doing out here? It’s the middle of the night!”</p><p>“It’s <em>my</em> palace,” said Zuko dryly, hoping to avoid actually explaining where he’d been. He was fully aware of the way he spoke slowly, watching and exaggerating every word, and tried to stop himself. “I should be asking <em>you </em>what you’re doing in my courtyard right now. Couldn’t you just travel when it’s light out?”</p><p>“We were, but we didn’t want to stop again so we just kept going. Appa’s pretty tired, though. You look tired too. Are you sure you’re all right? What were you doing outside this late? Shouldn’t you be getting sleep so that you’re not tired in your meetings and stuff?”</p><p>“Ignore him, he’s also really tired.” Toph reached out to Zuko, but he shifted away; flinching as if she were going to hit him and not provide him with a comforting gesture. <em>Dammit, dammit, dammit</em>, he thought. <em>You have to get him out of your head</em>. “Did something happen, Zuko? You’re shaking a <em>lot</em>.”</p><p>“No, I’m fine, I was just—” He shook his head, rising back to his feet and ignoring the pounding in his head as he did so. Suddenly, he couldn’t remember the last time he ate. He’d had something at the brunch, hadn’t he? At least a few bites, while Sokka was holding their fingers together, but he hadn’t managed much more before all hell broke loose. Zuko blinked several times, trying to get the lightheaded feeling to pass. “Sorry, I’ll explain later. I think I’m just going to go to bed.”</p><p>“Fine, but don’t think I’ll have forgotten about this in the morning.”</p><p>Zuko only nodded before he turned to head back into the building, his heart still beating fast from the rush. He knew it was stupid, that there was no way anyone would come after him with all the guards around and he was overreacting to what occurred, but he was on edge as anything and flinched each time he heard a sound. It was his fault for going to see his father and he knew it. He never should have gone but he wanted the answers and Ozai gave them, even if it was in his own, twisted way, so it was Zuko’s fault that he wasn’t grateful for that. The entire situation was his fault and even though he tried to blame his father, he was the dumbass who went to go see him in the first place. He was the one who thought he could somehow be cured of the things he couldn’t control. He was the one who—</p><p>He stung his wrist when he felt himself getting too worked up again. It didn’t matter whose fault this situation was because the fact was, Ozai was an abuser. Except it wasn’t really his fault that day, was it? Technically, all he did was answer the questions Zuko asked him and yeah, he was an asshole about it, but Zuko knew he was going to be an asshole going into it and didn’t think to stop himself so that was his fault too. Everything was his fault except it <em>wasn’t</em> because his shit-faced fucking father was a gaslighter and the only reason Zuko was tripping over his thoughts so badly was because Ozai got into his head. Zuko took a deep breath, telling himself over and over that he was fine and it wasn’t his fault but no matter what he did, he couldn’t believe the words and he couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t fall back into the same shit Ozai berated him for. His hands shook the more he fought with himself and eventually, Zuko decided he didn’t want to be alone. He glanced over his shoulder, checking to make sure no one else was around before he slid into one of the guest rooms.</p><p>It was dark inside, but there was enough moonlight coming through the window to fully illuminate where Sokka was flopped on the bed. He was curled up on the right side of the mattress, hair spilling over his face and the top of his bare shoulders as his chest rose and fell softly. Zuko pushed the door shut quietly, kicking his shoes off and pulling the pins from his hair before he bit down on his lip, hesitating at the side of the bed. Eventually, he made up his mind and gently pulled the blankets aside to crawl in, snuggling right up to Sokka’s side. For a moment, his heart continued to pound as he didn’t know how his friend would respond, but it was perfect. Sokka nudged Zuko to roll over, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him in tightly. The first time, Zuko was embarrassed to be the little spoon. The second time, he wasn’t sure how to feel. That time, he didn’t mind a tiny bit. He craved the comfort, the touch, the <em>affection</em>.</p><p>Once they were comfortable, Sokka’s head pressed against the back of Zuko’s neck and his hands wrapped around his stomach, he felt better. Everything was perfect for the few seconds after they got settled and then Sokka had to go and make it even better when he leaned up suddenly, planting a kiss on Zuko’s temple—right on his scar. Normally, it would’ve freaked him out. People touching his scar was awful and when they did it without asking, he panicked. But instead of feeling afraid or anxious, he just felt… <em>safe</em>. As Sokka nuzzled his head back into Zuko’s shoulder, all he could think of was that same word. Safe. A tear slid down his cheek as he realized that finally, <em>years </em>after it happened, he found someone who he trusted enough to touch his scar. To <em>kiss </em>his scar. That he’d burst into the room out of nowhere, climbed into the blankets without permission, and Sokka just accepted it. He just held him in his arms and went right back to sleep as if it were something they did all the time.</p><p>Zuko closed his eyes just a few moments later, relaxing into Sokka’s grasp. It was a shitty night and his arms hurt like fuck and just <em>thinking </em>about Sokka leaving in the morning made him want to break, but somehow, he felt okay.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0052"><h2>52. Chapter Forty-Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>No shit, Sokka could not for the life of him remember Zuko even coming into his room and yet when he awoke, he was holding the Fire Lord in his arms; his forehead pressed into the back of his neck. It was a nice way to wake up, he wasn’t about to lie, he was just surprised because he didn’t even remember seeing Zuko after he ran off following the brunch, and suddenly they were spooning. The other thing which struck him as odd after a few seconds of thought was that Zuko was still asleep after dawn. He <em>always </em>woke up with the sun, the entire time Sokka had been there, and seeing him sleep beyond that was strange but he didn’t want to wake him up. Instead, he defaulted to the same silly thing he always did and dragged his fingers through Zuko’s hair, smiling to himself as he gently worked through the tangles with one hand; the other holding onto one of Zuko’s (which he also couldn’t remember doing, but there they were).</p><p>He was about to close his eyes again, to try and catch a few more minutes of sleep, when he realized something was wrong. After ceasing his finger combing, Sokka reached his spare arm back around Zuko’s waist and went to hold his other hand, only to find that his arm was abnormally warm and rigid. He carefully pushed himself up to see over Zuko’s shoulder, not wanting to wake him, and froze when he saw the bright pink and white lines poking out from under his sleeves. They were burns, no two ways about it, and he was almost positive that Zuko had caused them with his own fingers based on the shape. Sokka gripped him a little tighter, pressing his head back against Zuko’s neck. He understood what it was like to be in that position without so many outside factors and he didn’t want to think about what it must’ve felt like for Zuko, with the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was bad enough hiding it from a few people, let alone an entire nation.</p><p>It was only then that Sokka realized he and Zuko hadn’t said a word about his own history of self-harm since his confession. For a second, Sokka was worried that he’d something wrong, but he shook that thought away quickly. He didn’t want to talk about it, and it was probably too triggering or awkward for Zuko to bring up himself, so he let it go. He’d put <em>that </em>behind him, at least, even if he was still working through a lot of other things and he didn’t feel like it was important to talk to anyone about something from when he was fifteen. Instead, Sokka just slid back down with Zuko for a few more minutes, breathing deeply as he tried to figure out what to do. Zuko’s arms were <em>covered </em>in burns and he knew he couldn’t just leave them, but he didn’t want to tell anyone without Zuko’s permission either. So, not knowing what else he <em>could </em>do, Sokka decided to slide out of bed and grab some tea, so Zuko would at least have something to make him feel more comfortable when he woke up. So they could have one more drink together before he had to leave.</p><p>He carefully slid away from Zuko, not wanting to wake him, and reached over for his painkillers before remembering they weren’t in his possession anymore. It ached to stand up. Sokka grabbed a shirt and yanking it over his head before he slid out of the room, ignoring the burning in his leg. He looked both ways before he stepped out, which he then realized was the stupid thing to do because he was coming out of his own room and acting like he was going to get caught was suspicious as fuck. Thankfully, no one else was actually around, so Sokka managed to slip off to the kitchens, heading straight in without bothering to ask anyone for help. He was just making some tea; it wasn’t <em>that </em>difficult. He put the water on the heat, got the leaves ready in the pot, and leaned against the counter, deep in thought as he waited for the water to boil. Zuko was going to be fine after he left, right? Sokka was guilty of self-harm too but he got past it all alone. Zuko still had Toph, Mai, Azula, and the others when they came to visit. He didn’t need Sokka anymore.</p><p>Really, Sokka understood that the fucked-up thing about their not quite relationship was that they both wanted to help each other but didn’t give a shit about helping themselves. The problem was that he didn’t know what to do about it. Zuko was just resistant to help because he didn’t want to be a burden and didn’t think he deserved everyone’s love, while Sokka was just in a state of denial that he needed help at all. Which he honestly went back and forth on a lot, because he knew that a lot of people said he needed help and he just couldn’t believe it was true. After all, he’d made it through the depression and the self-harm from after the war all by himself, and he thought that if he tried hard enough, he would be able to work through this on his own too. He was strong enough for that, right? He’d done it once before and he could do it again, he just needed to try a little harder and take a little more time for himself. And he could do that once he left. Once the burdens of the Fire Nation were off his shoulders and he was finally back home with his sister and his—</p><p>“Tea for the boyfriend?”</p><p>The moment he heard the words spoken, Sokka froze where he stood, his eyes widening. He knew who was talking and he couldn’t turn around to face what was just said. No one, not even Toph, had called Zuko his boyfriend before and hearing the words spoken at all was enough to cause his heart to race. To hear the words spoken from the mouth of his <em>dad </em>was even worse, and his breath stopped for a full six seconds before he realized he wasn’t breathing and kicked his lungs back into action. Unsure how to proceed, Sokka closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before he turned around with a smile on his face, laughing heartily and hoping that the gesture came out as believable as he wanted it to be.</p><p>“Ah, ‘boyfriend’,” he chuckled, shaking his head, and wiping a fake tear from his eye. He left the forced smile on his face when he looked to his dad, doing whatever he could to make it look real. “That’s a good one.”</p><p>“Sokka.”</p><p>Hakoda’s tone was gentle but absolutely serious and the single word was enough to drop the smile clean off Sokka’s face. He could feel the fear pooling in his eyes as he stared to his dad in shock, again struggling to breathe when he forced himself to blink. That was it. His dad was disappointed in him for abandoning the tribe and wanted to seal the deal by cutting him off because he was into guys. Though he knew it was irrational, every single one of his worst fears flooded his mind as he tried to find words to say, his hands shaking badly and his fingers twitching to fidget as he wrapped them around the legs of his sleep shorts, wetting his lips repeatedly as they continued to dry out while he said nothing. His dad didn’t say a thing, just waiting for the words that his son couldn’t say. Sokka blinked away the tears that bit at his eyes, deciding that if this would be their last real moment together, he wouldn’t cry while it happened. And yet, when the two words finally, spontaneously left his mouth, his voice cracked in a way so childish, so embarrassing, that he didn’t know if he could continue.</p><p>“I’m scared.” He could feel his chest shaking through every breath, but he couldn’t get it to stop, focusing his energy on holding back the water in his eyes. “I— he’s not my— <em>Dad</em>.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” Sokka could feel his lip trembling as he stepped back, unsure why he was moving away when his dad seemed to be stepping forward with nothing but compassion. Hakoda stopped moving when Sokka slid away, giving him space to breathe before he spoke again. “You can tell me.”</p><p>“Ever since—” It was the worst way he’d ever thought he might come out—sniffing, holding back tears, choking on his whiny-ass words—but there was nothing he could do about it. He took a deep, shaking breath, telling himself that he needed to get through it, no matter how long he put it off for. “Ever since I was little, I didn’t— I didn’t understand why I had to have a wife. Not because I didn’t like girls, I just— I didn’t understand why I couldn’t—”</p><p>It was pathetic and he knew it. Hakoda was staring at him, waiting for an answer that he already knew and yet, Sokka couldn’t get the words out of his mouth. He was terrified that if he said them, his dad would start acting weird around him and treat him differently and yet, the look on his face held nothing but love and patience as he gave Sokka all the time he needed to work through his thoughts. That look, the one which said that everything was going to be okay no matter what he said, was the only thing that gave Sokka the confidence he needed to keep going. He took a deep breath, trying to rid himself of the shaking in his voice before he went on.</p><p>“People always said that I was going to grow up and have a wife and run the tribe and I just kept asking myself why I couldn’t be with— why I couldn’t do those things with a husband. And it’s not that I don’t like girls, I loved Suki so much and I really cared about Yue too, but I don’t… I don’t get why I’m only allowed to like girls. Everyone <em>said </em>it was fine, but you all got so weird when people talked about gay relationships and I didn’t— I don’t know. I thought it didn’t matter because it wasn’t relevant, and I was planning to just kind of keep it to myself but then I came here, and I started falling in love with— I’m bisexual. And I know that it’s not really something I’m supposed to talk about or do, and I’m sorry I’m not the person that you want me to be, but I—”</p><p>Sokka didn’t get the chance to finish his thought before Hakoda suddenly stepped forwards and pulled him into an embrace, holding his son tightly against his chest as Sokka clung back as if holding on for his life. He nuzzled his head closer to his dad, finally letting out his shaking breaths and silent tears as he realized that it <em>wasn’t </em>one of the worst-case scenarios. That everything he’d been afraid of for so long wasn’t true and his dad still loved him regardless of who he liked. He tried to breathe but it came out as more of a squeak and a sharp inhale, leaving him to grip onto his dad as a quiet mess of sniffles as he tried to bring himself back from the place he’d never thought he would be. Wrapped in the arms of love and support after so many years of being terrified that coming out would ruin his whole life.</p><p>“I’m so proud of you, Sokka.” Hakoda pulled him in a little tighter, gripping onto his shoulder with one hand. “And I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter who you love or what you do, I will <em>always </em>be here for you. I know you were afraid to tell me this, and I know how much you’re struggling with, but you need to know that I don’t ever want you to be anything but my son. I love you, okay? I love you so much, bud.”</p><p>“I love you too,” Sokka choked out, his hands twisting around his dad’s shirt. He inhaled sharply again, fighting for the breath he needed to get out his next question. “How did you know? I mean, how did you know about—?”</p><p>“How did I know about you and Zuko?” He didn’t pull away when he spoke, breathing deeply and giving Sokka a sense of security against his chest. “I had my suspicions. I noticed you two were getting really close. Closer than just friends. And I didn’t know for sure, but after those assholes said something about Zuko liking boys, well… I put two and two together. Plus, I noticed you two kept sleeping in each other’s rooms. That definitely helped with the case.”</p><p>“But you didn’t— how did you know that <em>I </em>liked—?”</p><p>“How did I know that <em>you</em> liked boys? I think a part of me always knew, just from the way you approached the whole thing so much differently from other people but… to be completely honest, I didn’t know for sure until you were filling me in on everything after the war and I found out you had a massive celebrity crush on the Boulder.”</p><p>“What?!” Sokka pulled away from his dad suddenly, his eyes wide in shock as he clapped a hand over his mouth. “I did <em>not </em>have a crush on the Boulder. I— why, Dad, why? Why would you say something like that?”</p><p>“Look, I’m sorry,” started Hakoda, his tone not sounding the least bit remorseful, “but you’re the one who showed me who he was by way of a picture of him wearing nothing but tiny shorts. What was I supposed to think?”</p><p>Though he wanted to keep going with the joke, keep appreciating the fact that his dad was accepting and loved him and wanted him to be the best person he could be even if that meant falling in love with a boy, Sokka couldn’t. He just smiled, letting the soft laughter take over from his tears as he looked to his dad who was, above anything else, <em>still there</em>. He didn’t leave, he didn’t judge him, he just accepted Sokka for who he was and even though he cried like a baby which he never anticipated, it was so much better than any way he’d ever thought the conversation might happen. It was perfect and he couldn’t stop smiling until he remembered why he was in there making tea and then his dad was asking him what was wrong, and he couldn’t think of an answer. He crossed his arms against his chest, his thumb dragging over one of his lingering scars.</p><p>“Um, can I tell you something? About Zuko?” he asked quietly, almost hesitant to say it. Hakoda nodded and Sokka wet his lips, exhaling deeply before he went on. “Well for one thing, we’re not— we’re not together. You should just know that. I don’t— it’s a whole thing but nothing is like, official. But I’m really worried about him. He— He came into my room last night and I don’t remember when that was but I think— I think he hurt himself because his arms are like,<em> covered</em> in burns and they’re shaped like his fingers and I don’t know what to do. I mean, I don’t— I don’t want to get in his space, but I don’t want him to go through that alone, and I don’t know what to do because we’re leaving <em>today </em>but I— I know how much it hurts and I don’t— I don’t want him to go through that alone. I can’t let him go through it alone.”</p><p>“Okay, just breathe, Sokka. It’s okay. We’re going to figure this out.” Hakoda reached forward, placing a hand on his shoulder, and indirectly causing his son’s gaze to turn upward to meet his eyes. “I have to ask you a couple of questions and then we’ll decide what to do, okay? Okay. Were they really bad? Do you think he would be okay if we asked Katara to heal his arms for him?”</p><p>“No.” Sokka shook his head quickly. “No, they were light burns, but they were everywhere, and I know he wouldn’t want her to heal him. He hasn’t even told me about it, I just saw them and I— I’m scared. I want to help him but it’s like everything I do, he keeps just slipping further away and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think there <em>is </em>anything I can do anymore because if you take me home, I—”</p><p>“All right, bud, I know you’re scared, but you got to slow down. I want to help Zuko. I do. But you’re my son and you’re my priority, and that’s why I still want to bring you home. That’s why I’m looking out for you. So, let’s just go back a little bit, okay? You said you didn’t want Zuko to go through this alone because you know how much it hurts. Why? How do you know that?” As soon as the words left Hakoda’s mouth, Sokka’s eyes widened in fear and he took a step back instinctively, shaking his head as he pulled his arms into himself. “Sokka, please. I need you to be honest.”</p><p>He lifted his hand, chewing lamely on his thumbnail as he continued to shake his head. “I was— metaphorically— I don’t— I—”</p><p>“Hey, listen. It’s okay. I am so, so sorry that we let you do that and if you’ll open up to me now, I will be there for you and I will help you in every way that I can, but you need to be honest with me. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me the truth.”</p><p>But how could he tell the truth? That he fell into a deep depression while his leg was healing but nobody really knew about it. That he’d done his best to act like he was having the time of his life, lounging around while everyone else took care of him but he hated it. That the people he was supposed to protect were spending their days taking care of him and it was <em>awful</em>. He imagined that must’ve been how Zuko felt; suffering and trying to hide it because he didn’t want to burden those he cared about the most.</p><p>Sokka almost told someone after he cut the first time because it was an accident and he was just going to ask Katara to heal it for him, but then he decided to do it again instead and four more lines later, he realized he couldn’t pass it off as an accident anymore so he hid it. It was bad for a while, but he managed to stop a few months after he got back on his feet, and no one ever found out about it. It wasn’t hard to keep the lines covered up while they healed with all the layers he wore at the South Pole and the scars were mostly faded at that point, though he still did his best not to show them.</p><p>He opened his mouth to say something, to try and explain, but found that the words wouldn’t come out. It was starting again. The burning in his chest as he struggled to breathe, the tears building in his eyes as he tried to fight back, and his entire body shaking so badly that he could hardly hold his thumb still enough to chew on it for comfort. Sokka hated that feeling more than anything else in the world. Like he was in a battle against himself and no matter how hard he fought, he kept losing.</p><p>He stared at his dad for several long seconds, failing to get any words out of his mouth before he suddenly dropped to his knees, letting out a cry of pain when his leg slammed into the hardwood floor. His shoulders shook as he moved his hands onto his leg, trying desperately to regain control of his breathing. He was fine. He was fine. <em>Everything was fine</em>. He could feel his dad’s hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him down and reminding him that he needed to breathe but he couldn’t register the words and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t relax like he was supposed to.</p><p>“It was after the war,” he choked out between breaths, despite his dad begging him to stop and to focus on his breathing. “I haven’t done it in three years but I— I felt like a useless sack of shit while my leg was broken and it was an accident but it got out of hand and the scars are almost gone but I can’t— fuck, I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.”</p><p>“Sokka—”</p><p>“It <em>hurts</em>.” He was talking about his chest; the horrible, burning sensation that took over his entire body as he tried and failed to breathe, resulting in an awful wheezing sound taking over between words as he responded to his dad’s repeated pleas for him to breathe. “I can’t, it <em>hurts</em>. Shit, it hurts.”</p><p>“Sokka, please—”</p><p>“I think you were right, Dad. I need the help. I can’t— I can’t breathe.” His face was on fire and he thought he might be crying but at that point he couldn’t even tell anymore. The pain was too much and though he knew he would regret it later, all he wanted was for it to stop, even if it meant he needed to talk to someone about everything that was bothering him because it hurt <em>so bad </em>and he needed that pain to go away. He needed his painkillers, but he wasn’t allowed to have them. Hakoda pulled him back into his chest after that set of rambling and Sokka squeezed his eyes shut tightly, fighting for a breath through his horrible wheezes. “I— I need— I need— <em>fuck, </em>it<em> hurts</em>.”</p><p>“What hurts? Sokka.” His tone was frantic but no matter how hard he tried, Sokka couldn’t get out more than another gasp. “Sokka, please. I need you to tell me what hurts. Is it your leg? Is it because you fell on your leg? No? What is it? <em>Please</em>, Sokka. Just take a deep breath.”</p><p>“My chest,” he choked out finally. He bit down on his lip, his arms wrapping around his stomach as he tried to get the sick feeling to settle. “It feels like it’s on fire. It— <em>fuck</em>.”</p><p>“Okay, come here. We’re going to go see the physician.”</p><p>Sokka ripped away from him, shaking his head frantically as he wrapped his arms around himself. “No. No, I’m not going. I have to get back so I can talk to Zuko before we leave. It’s fine. It’ll pass. It always passes. I just have to— just a few minutes and I’ll— <em>agh</em>.”</p><p>“No, we need to go see the physician right now,” said Hakoda, his own tone quickly becoming filled with fear. He reached a hand out towards Sokka but dropped it the moment his son started to shrink away. “Sokka, please, this isn’t normal. You need to see someone about this.”</p><p>“I can’t. I already— I already fucked up my leg. If there’s— I can’t make it worse or— <em>ow, dammit</em>.”</p><p>If it weren’t for his dad being there, Sokka never would’ve been able to stand up in time to find somewhere to vomit. He’d never gotten that bad during an anxiety attack before and even though he’d only had a few, he was almost certain that the illness didn’t come from his mental state, but from the sheer amount of pain in his chest and his stomach which only got worse with each heave. Hakoda rubbed his back reassuringly, squeezing his shoulder whenever he choked on his own breaths and it helped him calm down, but did nothing for the pain. Even as he started to regain control over his lungs, the chest pains continued and once there was nothing left in his stomach he slid back to the ground, his dad following his shaking figure with an arm around his trembling shoulders. Sokka looked to him, eyes wide, but ended up closing them before he turned away. He wasn’t crying. He couldn’t be. It was just sweat from the pain and adrenaline.</p><p>Neither of them said a word for what must’ve been at least five but not more than ten minutes, as Hakoda held on tightly to his son and Sokka just worked on breathing. Slowly, the chest pains finally started to subside, but his head was still pounding, and he couldn’t stop himself from shaking. Finally back in a sound state of mind, all he could think of was that he needed to find a way out of this. He didn’t want to burden someone with his bullshit. He didn’t want to get in their way when everything was finally getting back to normal after the war. Plus, Zuko was going through so much and it wasn’t fair to take the attention away from him when he needed the help more than Sokka ever could. But he’d already begged his father for help and admitted that he was wrong and confessed to the fact that he’d once self-harmed and he didn’t know how to get out of it. He didn’t know if he <em>could </em>get out of it. He lifted his thumb to his mouth, chewing on what was left of his nail as he leaned into his dad’s shoulder, his loose hair sticking to the sweat on his face.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, closing his eyes as he continued to take long, drawn out breaths. “That escalated really quickly.”</p><p>“It’s okay. We’re going to get you help.” Hakoda took a long, dragged out breath before he went on, rubbing his son’s shoulder reassuringly. “One of your grandmother’s friends helps people with this stuff. That’s who Katara talked to after the war. We’re going to go home today so you can see her, and then—”</p><p>“No. No, I’m not leaving. I can’t leave. Zuko needs me. He’s fucking falling apart, and he needs me, but I— I don’t know what to do because I think I’m falling apart too, and I can’t just— dammit, this is so fucked up. I don’t want to leave anymore, Dad. I can’t leave when Zuko’s— it’s not that bad. I just— I don’t know, I was really overwhelmed for a minute there. I’m sorry I never told you about that stuff.”</p><p>“I’m more sorry we weren’t there for you.” He slid his hand further down around Sokka’s arm, his thumb dragging over a few of the exposed scars on his arms. Sokka watched him silently, barely able to keep track of where the lines were himself. He never cut deep when he did it. He didn’t want it to scar. Not badly. “I know we can’t make you do anything, Sokka, but we all really want what’s best for you. So, if you need help, and I know you do, just please say something. You keep saying you’re worried about Zuko, but you don’t understand that we’re all worried about you too. Does your chest still hurt? Are you sure it was just the anxiety?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Sokka nodded quickly. In all honesty, it still burned a little, but it was far better than when he was still struggling to breathe. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m really— I’m okay. I think I just got really overwhelmed between the— the coming out and you asking about— sorry. I’m fine. I— I’m fine.”</p><p>“Sokka.” His tone was too gentle. Too knowing. He squeezed Sokka’s shoulder reassuringly, looking right into his bloodshot eyes. “I know you’ve been sneaking more painkillers.”</p><p>That was it. That was the straw that he couldn’t allow to break and the moment it did, he snapped. Sokka crashed back into his dad’s arms, mumbling incoherent apologies as Hakoda pulled him in close. He still felt stupidly sick to his stomach, his chest was burning, and his head was pounding more with each passing moment. Hakoda was right. It didn’t matter what Sokka wanted or what he felt like he needed to do for Zuko—he was <em>killing himself </em>and it wasn’t helping, it was making things worse. It was triggering Zuko and putting him in an even worse place. It was putting <em>Sokka </em>in an even worse place.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he choked out, his words muffled in his dad’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean to— I don’t want— <em>I couldn’t stop myself</em>. I just— I just wanted it to stop hurting. I don’t want it to hurt anymore.”</p><p>“I know. It’s okay. Just take a deep breath.” He pulled Sokka in closer, rubbing his back reassuringly. “We’re going to figure this out, okay? As soon as we get home we’re going to get you on a real treatment plan and we’re going to get you better. I promise. You’re not going to hurt forever.”</p><p>“Okay.” Sokka took a deep breath, pulling away from his dad and pushing himself to his feet despite how much he didn’t want to move. He winced when he stumbled, Hakoda immediately reaching out to steady him. He didn’t know if it was true. He didn’t know if he <em>could </em>get better, and it was too much to deal with right then. All of it was. “I just— I’m going to take this tea back to Zuko. I kind of just want to go back to bed for a bit. I’ll meet you outside when it’s time to leave.”</p><p>“All right, that’s fine. That’s a good idea. I’ll go find Katara and make sure she has everything sorted out so we can get out of here on time. Come find me if you need anything, okay?”</p><p>“Yeah. Thanks, Dad.”</p><p>“That’s what I’m here for.” Hakoda hesitated at the doorway, turning back to look at his son. “Just talk to us, all right? Here, on the boat, at the tribe… If it gets bad, you need to say something. We’re all here for you. We want to see you get better. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Even if you don’t want to tell your other friends about it, just come find me or Katara <em>any time </em>you need us. I’m serious.”</p><p>He could only nod. “Okay.”</p><p>Once they finally split up, Sokka finished making the tea and slid out of the room with it, his hands still shaking more than he wanted them to. He made it back to his room without running into anyone else, thankfully, and opened the door fully expecting to find Zuko either gone or awake. He was neither. Instead, Zuko was still totally out on the pillows; lying in almost the exact same spot Sokka left him. He smiled when he saw the sleepy Fire Lord, placing the tea onto the nightstand before he crawled back into the bed beside him, wrapping his arms around the boy tightly. It hurt to realize that might be the last time he could ever hold him. That it might be the last time they ever let themselves be together as more than just friends.</p><p>Zuko finally stirred when Sokka sniffed, rubbing at his eyes as he glanced over his shoulder to see who was clinging to his back, but just nuzzled in deeper after he saw it was Sokka. He took a long breath that was half a yawn and half a welcome back to the land of the living, then curled his fingers around one of Sokka’s hands. Given how much damage they could cause, how much they <em>had </em>caused, it was stupid how soft they were. How soft his hair was. His smile. The part of him he never let anyone see. Sokka squeezed Zuko’s fingers, nuzzling in closer and making a face when he spoke.</p><p>“Are you all right?” When Sokka failed to answer, confused as to where the question came from, Zuko went on; not turning around to look at him. “You’re thaking. It’th okay if you’re not all right. I’m not either.”</p><p>“I just came out to my dad and he was okay with it but then I had a really bad anxiety attack,” Sokka confessed, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could convince himself it was a bad idea. Zuko barely moved when he said them, however, and he realized that he truly was safe. Even if that safety was going to be gone within hours. “I think we should get help, Zuko. Both of us. We’re not doing good. We’re really, really not.”</p><p>“I know we’re not, but I’m— I’m really thcared of therapy.” His voice cracked and Sokka tightened his grip, hoping it would help at least a little. “I know I need to go, and I need to try again, but I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t think I can do it.”</p><p>“I don’t know if I can do it either, but I feel like we have to try. Can you do that? Can you just think about it? For me? Please? My dad is already trying to get me to see someone when we get back to the tribe and I don’t— I don’t think I can do this on my own.”</p><p>Zuko hesitated, but eventually nodded, nuzzling back into Sokka’s arms. “Okay.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>Sokka said nothing else after that, only squeezing his arms around Zuko’s waist and pulling him in closer. When he initially left to get the tea, Sokka hadn’t actually imagined drinking it while they were both sat on the bed on the edge of tears, doing everything they could to shift their conversation to something that wasn’t about therapy or the fact that Sokka was going to be long gone by the end of the day, but he had to admit he felt a lot better after it happened. He felt a lot better seeing the look in Zuko’s eyes and realizing that he wasn’t the only one terrified they might never get to hold each other again.</p>
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<a name="section0053"><h2>53. Chapter Forty-Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was worth noting that at no point during their conversation did Zuko actually intend to seek out help. The only reason he even <em>humored </em>the idea was because he knew that Sokka was leaving and he needed to see someone and if Zuko “considering” the idea was the push he needed to actually do it, he would. For Sokka, not for himself. He didn’t deserve the help and as the Fire Lord, he wasn’t in a position to be accepting it even if he did. His father had just told him that to be perceived as a true leader he would have to make the people fear him, and it was already hard enough to do that as a skinny teenager—add in the mental health issues and he wouldn’t just be untrustworthy, he’d become a fucking joke. So, instead of focusing his energy on himself when he knew there was no point in it, Zuko decided to put his effort into taking care of Sokka who’d reached a point so bad even <em>he</em>, the king of repression, finally admitted he needed help.</p><p>There was something different in his tone when he asked Zuko to try therapy with him. It was hard to determine, possibly because Zuko was still half-asleep when he was talking, but it sounded genuinely hurt and afraid. He wouldn’t go into much detail about what happened despite Zuko’s asking, though he assured him several times over that Hakoda was nothing but supportive and revealed that they’d already made plans for him to go to therapy when he went home. Zuko didn’t want to think about him going home and sort of nudged the conversation away from that, wanting to focus on something else for the last little bit before he left. Not that it helped at all. He tried to delay it, dragging Sokka around for a bit, but it was hopeless. Sokka was already set to leave and within two hours, he was gone.</p><p>Zuko checked the time, glancing at himself in the mirror as he grabbed his things to go. He looked exactly the way he knew he did—bags under his bloodshot eyes, tangled hair pulled back into a half-assed bun because he didn’t feel worthy of the topknot—but he couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it. He had a meeting with the council in minutes, so he grabbed a nearby set of robes and dragged them on over his sleepwear, not bothering with shoes. Over the last couple months, he’d gotten used to Sokka being there with him in the meetings, but he wasn’t going to be there that day. He wasn’t going to be there ever again. He’d already left and even though it couldn’t have been three days since he departed, it felt like years. Zuko didn’t know if that was actually because Sokka was gone, however, or because his sense of time had just been completely fucked since he went to see his father.</p><p>He did his best, but it was harder than ever to motivate himself to do anything. It took him a full twenty-four hours to stop talking weird after he left the prison, and forty-eight to quit flinching whenever someone touched him. He felt like he should have been getting better as the days went past, but instead it was like he was stuck. Getting out of bed was a chore, eating a single bite made him sick, and the only time he didn’t despise his mere existence was when he was buried in his work. So, of course, he indulged in that as much as possible. He’d barely slept a wink in what must’ve been three days; too busy working on things for the next council meeting and occasionally staring at his list of available therapists even though he could never quite get himself to pull the trigger.</p><p>Arms filled with scrolls and papers he’d been working on the night before, Zuko strode across the palace, ignoring everyone who looked at him oddly. He was fully aware that he looked like death, but he felt like it too and he couldn’t bring himself to give a shit anymore. Even if his hair was pretty annoying spilling out all over his face and neck because he didn’t take the time to put it up right. He wasn’t wearing his hairpiece either, he realized, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t like he deserved the title anyway. Based on everything his father said, he was the worst Fire Lord to ever reign and basically a massive disappointment to his nation. Did the people claim to like him? Yes, a lot of them. But the other nations were shying away because they thought— because he <em>was </em>gay, and there were probably more politicians than he knew right there in the Fire Nation who didn’t trust him because he was anxious and twitchy as shit. He met no one’s eyes as he walked proudly into the council chamber, doing his best not to let his exhaustion show through as he sat down at the head of the table. Every single person stared at him when he took his seat, and he did everything to convince himself that it was because his expression was so confident, not because the rest of his appearance made him look like he was homeless.</p><p>“Er, Fire Lord Zuko?” started one of the councilmen. Zuko nodded for him to go on, and he hesitated before he did. “Do you need to take a minute before we start? We’re in no hurry if you must step out for a minute.”</p><p>“I’m fine, thank you.” He narrowed his eyes, shooting daggers at the person who spoke. No, he didn’t think of himself as particularly threatening on a large scale and the people most definitely were not scared of him, but his staff knew he had a temper. <em>Everyone </em>who knew him knew to avoid his temper. He slammed his things down onto the table, pushing back a strand of hair that slid in front of his scarred eye. “Hey, Lin, I need coffee, please. Thank you.”</p><p>The servant he spoke to looked terrified when he first opened his mouth, but relaxed and nodded as she bowed and stepped out of the room to replace their typical tea with a pot of coffee. Though they’d appeared only confused when he first walked in, the rest of the council suddenly seemed almost scared, each of them avoiding his eyes when he turned to look at them. He glared at each one who looked as if they might dare open their mouths, knowing they would suggest he go back to bed and refusing to let that happen. He wasn’t sick, he was getting better. Ozai told him what was wrong with him and he was closer than ever to fixing it. The entire room was scared of him; he couldn’t become more feared than that. Zuko went off on a long spiel about things he’d been working on, regarding health care, the school system, and whatever else he’d thought of in his sleep-deprived haze, before asking whether anyone else had something to bring up. They did. He didn’t like it.</p><p>“Actually, Fire Lord Zuko,” one of the councilwomen started, “we were hoping to address some of the rumors about you. See, the people are in a state of uncertainty regarding what’s happening with the colonies. One issue that’s been mentioned is the rumor that you could be a homosexual, and while it’s perfectly okay now here, it could interfere with—”</p><p>“I am gay.” His tone was flat and somehow, he didn’t hate himself after the words left his mouth. It felt like a weight was off his chest. A huge, heavy, loopy, sleep-deprived weight. “I don’t care. I’m not addrething that. The Earth Kingdom hathn’t blown us off yet even with my panic attackth and dumbassery, so I’m thinking they don’t have a choice but to go through with our plans, regardleth of whether they like me or not. And I underthtand that there’s a lot of unthertainty right now but it’s not the people’th business to know yet. Next subject.”</p><p>He wanted everyone to speak right away, to go on with the conversation and blow right past the comment, but they didn’t. The entire room was dead silent, each person looking down at the papers in front of them, though Zuko couldn’t tell whether they were really reading or just pretending so they wouldn’t have to discuss what he’d just said. Yeah, it was impulsive, and he was probably really going to regret it later, but he was fucking done with people dancing around the subject and if they knew he was gay, they would stop; if only because they didn’t want to offend their Fire Lord. He drank almost an entire cup of coffee in one gulp while he waited for someone else to speak, to respond to his statements, but it took two cups before he finally got another person to talk with a hesitant tone.</p><p>“The other thing which we would like to address is the way you present to the public,” said a councilman, his words shaking as if he were truly afraid. Zuko was conflicted on how to feel; both despising their fear and proud of his ability to generate it. “We understand that you were working with your advisors earlier this year to improve on your ability to interact with people face-to-face, and we’d like to see you consider resuming that training. See, the people were rather disturbed when you ran out on the crowd following your address, and—”</p><p>“Okay, yeah, I did run out, but would you rather I threw up on them?” That was all it took for him to realize that his filter was completely and utterly gone. And yet, somehow, he still couldn’t find it in him to care. What the fuck was wrong with him? “I freak out around crowds. That’th a fact. You’ve all noticed it, I’m sure. I’ve tried to fix it, but it’th been like this thince I was five yearth old so just let it go, all right? At leatht I’m <em>trying </em>to talk to the people. That’th more than my father ever did.”</p><p>They couldn’t argue with that and Zuko was left with a satisfied smirk on his face. He asked Lin to acquire more coffee for him, refusing to let his eyes get even the slightest bit heavy, and turned back to the people in front of him. That was what his father was talking about. That was what he meant when he said he had to make them fear him to make himself appear confident and trustworthy. Was there a chance they feared him because his disheveled appearance kind of made him look like a serial killer? Possibly, but his temper was high too and without a filter, every word that came out of his mouth was at risk of insulting or offending someone. Normally, that would’ve bothered him as he was trying to be the best Fire Lord he could be, but he realized after a while that it just wasn’t possible to be nice and be the Fire Lord. People liked him, but they didn’t respect him. They didn’t trust him or believe in him as much as they wanted to and it wasn’t sustainable, no matter how much he wanted it to be.</p><p>For the next several minutes, the conversation was flat and dull and went to subjects that did not revolve around things that could cause the Fire Lord’s temper to rise any further. Zuko mostly just nodded along and inserted himself in places they didn’t want him because he was the fucking Fire Lord and he could do that, but he stopped halfway through a sentence when the door swung open again. He expected to find Lin there, returning with more coffee, but froze when he saw that it wasn’t a servant, but Azula. Her expression was sour as she glared at him, storming right over as if he’d done something wrong. She glanced over at the rest of the council before stopping at his side, one hand leaning onto the table as she loomed over him menacingly.</p><p>“Are you drunk again?” she snapped, her voice low. “I just caught your servant bringing you your sixth fucking pot of coffee. <em>Please</em> tell me this isn’t a hangover.”</p><p>“No, I’m fine.” Zuko shook his head quickly, not wanting her to get the wrong idea. He meant what he said after the banquet—he wasn’t going to drink to make himself feel better ever again. “I jutht didn’t sleep much latht night and I need the energy to get through this meeting. Can you get out now? We’re kind of in the middle of an important— <em>ow, shit</em>!”</p><p>He ripped away when Azula dropped a hand onto his forearm, causing a wildly concerned look to flare in her eyes. She quickly excused them from the meeting, assuring the council that Zuko would be right back, then latched onto his hand and dragged him out of the room behind her. Zuko tried frantically to rip away from her, his heart suddenly racing as his breaths became shorter, but she let go when they made it into the hallway; giving him space to launch himself into a nearby wall a few feet back from her. His eyes were wider than they should have been and he knew he shouldn’t have let it happen but the moment she touched him, something inside his mind clicked and it sent him back into a place where touch meant nothing but pain and fear and he needed to get away. Once he worked past that, finally free of her grip, he allowed his rage to take over again.</p><p>“What the fuck, Azula?” he cried, his hands clenching into tight fists. “That was one of the betht council meetingth I’ve had in ages and you just embarrathed me in front of everyone! Why would you do that? I was making progreth for once and you jutht went, and you fucked it all up. Why do you thtill hate me so much?”</p><p>“I don’t hate you, dumbass, I love you.” It was a lie, and he knew it. It didn’t matter how much therapy she had; Azula could never love him. “I took you out of there because you’re not acting like yourself. I saw how your councilmen were looking at you and they were fucking terrified! What the fuck did you say to them? That’s not like you, Zuko. You’re not Father. You don’t scare people, you inspire them. That’s what you said you wanted to do every time you sat outside my door. Every fucking time.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, maybe Father wathn’t all wrong. Maybe you have to make them scared to make them trutht you.”</p><p>“No, Father <em>was </em>all wrong. He abused you. He abused both of us and now you’re defending him? What the <em>fuck</em>? I know you’ve been going through a lot and you didn’t sleep well last night, but—”</p><p>“I didn’t thleep at all last night,” said Zuko, rolling his eyes. He needed his filter back, but he couldn’t gather the will to find it. It wasn’t it mattered anyway. Nothing really mattered anymore. He was in charge and he’d fucked up everything he worked for to get in that place so why should he care about being a good person anymore? It didn’t work. His entire life, it got him into shit spots, and it happened <em>again</em>. He was sick of it. “I wasn’t tothing and turning like a fucking baby, I was working on serious shit. So, jutht back off, okay? I’m buthy. I need to get back into my meeting before they thtart making decisions without me.”</p><p>“Not until you show me your arm.” As soon as Azula spoke, Zuko opened his mouth to ask why, but he didn’t get the chance. “You ripped away like it hurt when I touched your forearm in there. What happened? Not just with that but with <em>you</em>. Ty Lee told me you went and saw a therapist last week and now it’s like you’ve taken twelve damn steps back. What the fuck is going on with you?”</p><p>“Nothing, I’m fine! Jutht stop. I’m—”</p><p>He was cut off suddenly when Azula leapt forward and slid his sleeve up far enough to see the pink and white lines that covered his arms. Zuko stared at her for several seconds, neither of them saying a word as he dragged the sleeve back down over his hand; refusing to meet Azula’s eyes as they seemed to stare right into his fucked-up, sleep-deprived thoughts.</p><p>“You saw Father.”</p><p>“You don’t underthtand.” Immediately, Zuko leapt to defend himself, his eyes wide with fear as he backed away from her, his back against the wall. “The people they— they like me, but they don’t trutht me. They thupport the changeth I’ve been making, and I know that, but they don’t believe that I’m thtrong enough to lead the nation. They don’t think I can do it, but they thought Father could do it tho I jutht— I juht wanted to know what I wath doing wrong.”</p><p>“Right.” It was impossible to tell whether Azula was more sad or angry. “And he told you that you’re weak, gay, and you can’t talk. It’s not fucking true, Zuko. He’s an asshole and he abused you. He abused both of us and I can’t even believe you would go back and talk to him after this. What the fuck were you thinking? The only reason you’re freaking out now is because he manipulated you <em>again</em>. This is what he wanted. You walked right into a—”</p><p>Zuko didn’t even open his mouth to cut her off. He just shook his head, shoving past her to get back into the council chamber. Thankfully, she didn’t try to follow, likely not wanting to make another scene in front of everyone, and Zuko was able to sit back down at the table in peace. Everyone was still looking at him like he was something to be feared rather than negotiated with, and he was once again caught in a conflicting bout of self-hatred and sheer confidence. People wanted to listen to him. They thought he was strong, confident, a force to be reckoned with, instead of just the skinny, anxious child they’d been dealing with for the last few months. He was right. As much as he’d regretted it right after walking out of the prison, he made the best possible choice when he went. His father gave him the answers he needed and finally, <em>finally </em>the people were going to treat him like the Fire Lord he was supposed to be.</p><p>He thought he was all right, somehow, but all eyes were on him when he sat down, and he could no longer determine their expressions to be made of fear. Instead, it was almost confusion or concern mixed with their frightened eyes, and it pissed him off more than anything. Zuko was <em>sick </em>of being pitied. He was a fucking badass firebender, one of the most powerful people in the world, and yet people never stopped looking at him like he was something to be protected. His friends, his family, his <em>staff</em>—everyone wanted to protect him, and he despised it because he could handle himself. He stood up to his father, his sister, he helped stop a fucking hundred year war and <em>still </em>people thought he was weak just because he was small and skinny and sometimes had really bad anxiety about stupid things which he despised as much as the pity.</p><p>“What are you all looking at me for?” he snapped, shifting closer to the table Loose strands of hair flopped around in his face when he moved, escaping from the sloppy bun pinned to the back of his head. “Get back to work. I know we have more thingth to address.”</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko, sir, with all due respect,” started one of the councilmen, who flinched when Zuko glared at him, “you’re shaking very badly. Are you sure that you’re able to continue the meeting at this time? We’ve gone over almost everything so if you’d be willing, we’re more than able to delay those topics until our next gathering.”</p><p>“No. What? No.” Zuko shook his head quickly, glancing down to his hands which were trembling just as badly as they said. He took a deep breath, shoving them under his crossed arms to hide his overly active fingers. “No, I don’t need to thtop. I’m <em>fine</em>. I’m better than ever. What’s the next thing on the agenda? Thtop ignoring me, you jutht fucking said we have more to talk about. Keep going. <em>Now</em>.”</p><p>Though the council seemed reluctant to continue, they did as they were told and moved to the next matter at hand. Zuko engaged heavily in the conversation, making it known that he was there and able to participate in the discussions despite what they seemed to believe. Because of how much he talked, the meeting went longer than usual, though Zuko rejected an offer to break for lunch. Some of the councilors requested a snack be made and he allowed it, though refused to have a single bite. He was too busy being angry to even think about eating, plus it would get in the way of his conversation, and he really wasn’t hungry anyway. He’d eaten something… the morning Sokka left. A few bites. It was fine. He was fine. Zuko flipped to the next page in his stack of things, trying to figure out what was the best way to deal with various situations around the nation.</p><p>While Zuko did his best to be commanding and strong, the way he believed they wanted him to be, the meeting didn’t go any better than it usually did. The councilmen continued to look at him strangely, several of them nearly asking whether he was okay before they proceeded. Zuko wanted to scream at them, to tell them to stop coddling him, but the weird thing and the thing which stopped him was the fact that somehow, they seemed <em>genuine</em>. Like they actually cared about his wellbeing. He knew it wasn’t true, that they were just doing it because he was the Fire Lord, and nobody could really care about him. So, he ignored them every time, cutting off each question before it could be asked because he knew they didn’t care, and he didn’t want to humor himself by believing that they could. Even as the Fire Lord they were probably just looking for him to say “no” so they would be able to take him off the throne.</p><p>Things took the furthest turn when the meeting finally got to an end, at which point a few of the councilmen stopped to thank Zuko for his presence that day and let him know how much they appreciated him. Not every councilman said those things, a few ducking out of the room early and others focusing on the paperwork in front of them, but the ones who did went too far over the top. Telling him how good he was doing as the Fire Lord and how much the people cared about him and believed in the changes he was making to the nation. How he was so much better than his father and even though he struggled a lot with speaking to people, it meant the world to the citizens that he tried. That when they asked him to improve or work on his image to make it better, they were only doing it for his benefit because they wanted what was best for him, the greatest Fire Lord of their lives. He was young and he had a lot to learn, but his people loved him so much for the positive changes he was enacting and the way he put their safety and wellbeing above all else.</p><p>He didn’t know at what point he lost it but by the time they stopped complimenting him, he was flopped forward onto the table, almost sobbing into his arms. Someone asked if he was okay but all he could do was nod because his head hurt, and he was tired as shit, and he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that the people <em>liked </em>him. Zuko was so sure they didn’t trust him to run the nation, that they thought he would fall apart, but they didn’t. He thought half his council would quit and walk right out when he blurted out that he was gay, but no one left. They cared about him and they supported him and against all odds, against all his bullshit and shouting for the last three hours, they didn’t hate him. They didn’t even <em>fear </em>him, they were just worried. He thought they were just supporting him because he was the Fire Lord and they had to, but they were supporting him because they cared about the changes he was making. They cared about <em>him</em>.</p><p>Zuko barely looked up when Mai tapped him on the shoulder, knelt down beside him and holding her arms out to pull him into a hug. He reached around, his own arms wrapping around her as she held him tightly. He had no idea how she knew that he was in there or that he was having a stupid, sleep-deprived meltdown but he was grateful for it. He was grateful that after everything that happened, after all the bullshit with their romantic relationship, she still wanted to be there for him. To be one of the best friends he’d ever had. Zuko tried to take a deep breath but it cut off halfway through as another tear slid down his cheek through shocked eyes. He didn’t even know what he was feeling anymore, and he didn’t think he was sad but somehow, the water wouldn’t stop flowing out of his eyes. He closed them tightly, dropping his forehead against Mai’s shoulder as he tried to come to terms with the fact that <em>people liked him</em>.</p><p>“You all right, Zuko?” she asked, sliding one hand up to stroke the back of his head beneath his sloppy bun. “Azula told me what you did.”</p><p>“I jutht wanted to get better.” His voice didn’t so much as crack, and suddenly, he wondered whether the tears were a result of his eyes not getting to properly rest in days. Mai twisted her fingers around some loose strands of his hair and somehow, it was even more comforting. “I thought the people didn’t— I thought they didn’t— <em>they like me</em>.”</p><p>“Yeah, they do. That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you all this time, Zuko. You’re a good leader, but you’ve been through some serious shit in your life and you need to let people help you. Just let us be there for you, okay? The people want you on the throne, but you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of them. We’re here for you, all right? If you need help, you need to talk to us. Not your fucking abuser.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>He said nothing else for the rest of the time they sat there, just doing his best to breathe and come to terms with the fact that the people <em>did </em>want him on the throne. That all his fears were for nothing because they really did care about him and they believed in what he was working for. Zuko still didn’t think he could try therapy again, or that he <em>wanted </em>to try therapy again, but he thought he might take Mai up on her offer and try to talk about the things that were bothering him instead of pretending they didn’t exist. Speaking up when he had trouble convincing himself to get out of bed or felt the urge to burn himself. Because if his friends were there for him and his people were there for him, then he felt like he was obligated to be there for himself too; if only to stop himself from burdening them any more than he absolutely needed to.</p><p>Of course, the only problem with the situation was that he missed a very crucial part of the council’s conversation, which happened when he’d left the room. The part in which they briefly discussed the fact that their Fire Lord was visibly falling apart and was literally standing on the edge of a complete mental breakdown. That, as much as they appreciated the efforts he was making for the nation, he wasn’t mentally fit for the throne and was putting himself and the Fire Nation at risk should one of their enemies—inside or outside of the nation—discover his weakness and decide to strike. He knew all of these things, of course, but Zuko was completely clueless as to the fact that they’d been truly, properly discussed, and that the council was really capable of doing the thing he was afraid of the most.</p><p>Entirely oblivious to the things that were happening behind his back, Zuko closed his eyes again, his breaths calming as he relaxed; nearly falling asleep against Mai’s shoulder. He knew he couldn’t take a nap, not when he had so much more work to get done that afternoon, but it was nice to take a break. All extraneous circumstances and emotions aside, he was exhausted. Absolutely fucking exhausted. Mai must’ve realized that, because she gave him a few long moments to breathe before she quietly asked her next question.</p><p>“You sure you’re okay?” He nodded, not shifting from her shoulder. “You have any more meetings today? Or you want to take a nap or something?”</p><p>“No.” Zuko sniffed. His body was tired, and his arms still ached, but he was doing so well. He couldn’t take a break. Not yet. Not when everyone was finally starting to trust him. “I’m fine. Jutht need a minute.”</p><p>But if that were really true, things probably would’ve turned out a whole lot different than they did.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0054"><h2>54. Chapter Forty-Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Given everything that was happening, Sokka was hesitant to leave the Fire Nation and almost begged to stay, but his dad managed to talk him into it; if only because he was fucking <em>terrified </em>of how far his addiction had gone and knew that if he didn’t get away from the pills, at least for a bit, he couldn’t get himself to stop. It seemed like a good idea, but after they left, he found himself overcome with worry. He didn’t know whether Zuko was really okay, no matter how much he smiled and encouraged Sokka to go, and he was terrified that something was going to happen while he was gone and there was nothing he could do to help. But then, as he talked to his dad about his fears, he realized that Hakoda felt the same way about <em>him</em>. That the reason he kept coming back to the Fire Nation when the tribe needed him was because he was terrified that something would happen while he was gone, and he wouldn’t be there for Sokka <em>again</em>. If only out of the immense guilt he felt for making his dad feel like that, he agreed to go under the agreement that he’d go back to the Fire Nation the second anything happened.</p><p>It wasn’t until they were almost to the tribe when Hakoda sprung it on Sokka that he wanted him to speak with Gran Gran’s friend soon after they got back. Not for real therapy, not yet, just so they could talk about what it would be like. Apparently she’d moved down from the Northern Water Tribe a few months ago and Sokka had been so busy with his work that he didn’t take time to really meet her, but they’d interacted at least a few times. Sokka vaguely remembered her being nice, at least, but he was still terrified to speak with someone about the things that were bothering him and by the time they landed, all three of them and Appa being swamped with hugs from the children, Sokka started to feel sick. Aang immediately launched into a snowball fight with the kids while Hakoda gave some of them friendly rubs on the head and Sokka did his best to smile for all the kids he hadn’t seen in months. They asked him a lot of questions about where he’d been, but he didn’t answer too in depth, just giving them basic answers. Seven-year-olds didn’t need to know about all the horrors he’d seen.</p><p>Though he was worried they would go to see the therapist right away, Hakoda gave Sokka more time and the first thing both of them did was give Bato a hug. Sokka’s hug was much bigger and tighter because Bato hadn’t seen him since he unintentionally disappeared, but they were all glad to see each other. Gran Gran told them to eat something before anything else—yes, he got an exceptionally large hug from his Gran Gran too—and so they went ahead and had some of her delicious Water Tribe delights before anything else. Sokka missed that more than anything. He missed the<em> tribe</em> more than anything and he didn’t even realize until he was there. But the strange thing was, there was a hole in his heart too where he felt like something else should be. Where he felt like <em>Zuko </em>should be.</p><p>After they finished their meal, Hakoda turned to Sokka, asking him gently if he was ready to go meet the woman who was apparently named Ticasuk. Sokka hesitated but ended up agreeing, knowing that to put off the inevitable would only make it worse; especially if he put it off for so long that they ran out of time and he’d end up not knowing who she was until they were already talking about his deepest secrets. Hakoda went with Sokka, promising he would stay the entire time, and Sokka didn’t argue despite not having asked for it. He didn’t know what Ticasuk would want to talk about the first time they met but his palms were already starting to sweat just thinking about it and he wasn’t sure whether he would be able to go through with it if he went in on his own. So, his dad accompanied him over to where Ticasuk was sitting by the fire and Hakoda introduced them, Sokka’s hands shaking the entire time.</p><p>“It’s good to see you, dear,” said Ticasuk. Her tone was sweet like a grandmother but not patronizing in any way. “Everyone was really worried when you didn’t come home. Your dad here sent a letter saying you might need some therapy; you want to tell me about it?”</p><p>“I—” Sokka hesitated, wrapping his arms around himself as he glanced over to his dad. He lifted his hand up, chewing on his thumbnail lamely as he tried to figure out a way to respond. “Yeah. Sorry, I don’t— I don’t usually talk about myself. I don’t want to bother anyone with my stuff.”</p><p>“Okay. Well, I think that’s a good place to start. Why do you think it would bother people if you talked about yourself?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I guess— I know that everyone else has been through a lot too and they’re all so busy and I don’t want to make anyone’s lives any harder with stuff I can take care of myself. Or can’t. I don’t know. I thought I could take care of it myself but I’m here so I guess I couldn’t. Sorry. I don’t know how to do this.”</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize, Sokka.” It wasn’t Ticasuk who spoke, but Hakoda, wrapping an arm around Sokka’s fuzzy coat and rubbing his shoulder reassuringly. “We’re not trying to do anything groundbreaking today, I just thought it would be a good idea for you to get to know Ticasuk before you take any big steps.”</p><p>“Right.” He noticed Ticasuk watching his hands—one thumb halfway in his mouth and the other tapping rapidly against his leg—and ceased all movement quickly, looking down to his shoes. Suddenly highly aware of his fidgeting and bad habits, he stopped, twisting his fingers around each other instead. “Sorry, I don’t— I don’t know why I do that.”</p><p>“Well, there could be a few reasons for it.” Ticasuk leaned forward on her elbows, the flames from the fire lighting up her pulled-back gray hair. “Sometimes it’s just a sign of anxiety, which could be what’s happening here since your dad told me you had a few anxiety attacks, but there are other reasons for it too. I’ve worked with some people before who just have a lot of extra energy in their bodies and so their bodies find other ways to let it out, which can cause the fidgeting, trouble focusing, things like that.”</p><p>“Trouble— Trouble focusing? Just like, having a hard time staying focused, or…?”</p><p>“Yeah, it can be that. Like, having a hard time focusing on just one thing or it could be the other end of the spectrum, where you hyperfixate on one thing and can’t get back to thinking about others.”</p><p>“Oh.” Sokka felt his dad squeeze his shoulder a little tighter and he knew then that he wasn’t the only one who noticed his weird patterns of habits. But it wasn’t… wrong? It wasn’t a bad thing? There were other people who went through the same thing? He stayed silent for several seconds before he managed to get anything else out, glancing over at his dad again before meeting Ticasuk’s gaze. “I do that. I— sometimes I work on like fifteen things at once and other times I can’t stop working on one thing for hours or more at a time. I didn’t— I thought something was wrong with me. I didn’t know anyone else did that.”</p><p>“No, there’s nothing wrong with you, dear.” Her voice was so kind, so friendly, and yet Sokka’s heart continued to pound in his chest as he tried to understand the fact that everything he’d been hiding was <em>normal</em>. Well, not normal, but not his own, exclusive, weird problem. “We can’t make it go away but there are some things that can help you cope with it a little better. Remedies, treatments, whatever you’re most comfortable with. We can talk about that a little more in depth when we really get started with this. Is there anything else you want to talk about today? To help you get a little more familiar with the process, or…? I can explain what it would be like if that would help.”</p><p>Sokka only nodded and leaned against his dad’s shoulder as the older woman went on about what a typical therapy session would be like. Admittedly, he was pretty scared listening to her explain how he would have to talk openly about everything, but they could work through everything as slow or as fast as he was comfortable with. Honestly, Sokka wasn’t sure whether he would ever be comfortable with it, though he didn’t say that because he wanted to give it his best shot. No matter how terrifying it was, it couldn’t be worse than the things he’d gone through during the war and he knew he could do it. Not just for himself, but for his family, who needed him to get better more than anything. So, after Ticasuk finished explaining how everything would work once he came back to the tribe for good, Sokka decided to ask the question he was most scared of. To detail the things he didn’t want to talk about.</p><p>“One more thing,” he said, before they could stand up. “I’ve had a lot of nightmares since the war, and I guess some panic attacks and stuff too. I get like these kind of… flashbacks? To something that happened at the end of the war and sometimes other things too and I was just… I was wondering if there was anything we can do about it. I mean, can I— can I make the nightmares stop?”</p><p>“Yes, there are ways we can help you with that too.” Ticasuk smiled reassuringly, but Sokka had a hard time returning the gesture. At some point, he’d gone back to chewing on his thumbnail, and couldn’t convince himself to stop regardless of how embarrassing it was. “Again, it’s not absolutely foolproof but I’ve worked with some people who struggled with that too and there are treatments that can help with that. You’ll get through this, I’m sure of it. You did the right thing asking for help.”</p><p>Both Sokka and his dad thanked Ticasuk before they walked away, heading back over to the place Sokka could only call home. He hung around for a bit, listening to Bato and Hakoda catch up, but he had trouble keeping up with the conversation and eventually excused himself, deciding to stop by his igloo to check on things. Part of him was expecting it to be different somehow, after being gone for more than two months, but when he walked in, he was met with the exact same sight he used to wake up to most mornings. There was no bed inside the igloo, but he fell asleep doing his work more times than he cared to admit. At a certain point of the evening he just lost all ability to function with other human beings and always ended up hiding out in his igloo, often falling asleep on the piles of papers and scrolls that were spread all across the ground.</p><p>He didn’t know when he lost the ability to keep things organized, only that it happened. It was at some point after the war, while he was recovering from his injury and spending most of his time hating himself for being a burden. He’d always been a bit disorganized, but he actively worked against that, especially when he was traveling with Aang. Then, when it was all over, he just… stopped. Sokka stopped worrying about keeping things organized and being exact and suddenly, the entire igloo he’d built for himself was filled with papers and scrolls and he never knew where anything was. He had a pattern to it once, but that was lost after a while and eventually he just started throwing things wherever there was space. At one point he’d committed to cleaning it up, but that obviously never happened as he failed to find the motivation. If it wasn’t benefiting other people, it wasn’t that important in his mind.</p><p>While he knew he needed to get his things together and get back to the others before they went looking for him, Sokka decided to take a minute inside instead. He laid down on his side in the middle of the pile of papers, in the same place he’d always ended up falling asleep when he stayed up too late working on things. It wasn’t comfortable, it wasn’t cozy, but it was safe. Familiar. And so, when he closed his eyes to rest for just a minute before he rejoined the others, Sokka fell fast asleep.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The rest of the night and the next morning went by in a blur.</p><p>Sokka was exhausted, though he wasn’t really sure why, and woke up to find that his dad had carried him to his bed. When he woke up, he trudged over to his family and barely flopped down for breakfast. He managed to eat a few bites, but his head was pounding for no good reason and his whole torso felt weird, so he didn’t try too hard. Instead, he just ate what he could manage and then sat there and listened to his family talk. It wasn’t even necessarily interesting—his dad and Bato made plans to go fishing, his Gran Gran and Katara talked about her bending practice—but it was home. It was familiar. Sokka didn’t know how he managed it, but somehow he fell asleep again, right there in the snow beside the fire.</p><p>He slept through most of the afternoon, though he woke up for long enough to hear his dad and Aang talking about whether Sokka was okay. Hakoda assured Aang that everything was fine and he was probably just emotionally drained from everything that was happening, to which Aang asked if there was anything he could do to help and Hakoda told him there was nothing either of them could do but give him time. They both sounded worried in their tones and Sokka pretended to keep sleeping so as not to make it more complicated. He didn’t know why he was so tired either and figured it was better to leave the explanation to his dad than try to think of a better reason by himself. So, he closed his eyes again and slowly drifted back to sleep; the soft winds and the lapping of water keeping him calm. He didn’t even notice when Hakoda took him back to bed again.</p><p>For a while, he was waking up every few minutes trying to cope with an awful headache. It pounded bad and he was sweating an ungodly amount, but he couldn’t figure out why. He knew that he wasn’t sick, but he wasn’t sure what else he’d done differently until he shifted to find a different position to rest in and pinched something in his leg when he realized that he hadn’t had any painkillers since they left the Fire Nation. Sokka didn’t understand <em>why </em>he would be sweating and getting a horrible migraine because he hadn’t taken some stupid pills that he didn’t even use every day (Or did he? Suddenly, he couldn’t remember anymore.), but it was the only thing he could think of aside from a random, unidentified illness that struck out of absolutely fucking nowhere. He decided not to bother his dad or Aang with this information and instead closed his eyes again, allowing himself to fall back asleep.</p><p>The sky was bright orange when he looked up. Water splashed around him, sounds of fire and destruction raging in the distance. There were explosions happening everywhere, people screaming as they dropped into the water, and cliffsides crashing down wherever the battle was off the horizon. A sense of relief washed over him when he saw Suki, but his leg was <em>throbbing </em>from his foot to his thigh and he couldn’t stand up. He tried, knowing it was too risky for Suki to come get him and Toph couldn’t even see where he was, but it was useless. His leg wouldn’t move. The smile fell from his face and a choked breath escaped from his lips. Suki came to help, and he insisted she go for Toph first. He begged her to get themselves to safety and he watched them go as the explosions spread, the blimp started to crash, and he felt himself fall to his doom.</p><p>“Sokka.”</p><p>At least they cared that he was going to die. They looked upset when he shouted for them to stay back, not to come after him. If his leg wasn’t broken, Sokka would’ve kicked himself when Suki inevitably came down to help him. She reached a hand out, dragging him to the one foot he could stand on and the other that wouldn’t support him, and the blimp lurched again. His leg let out a stabbing pain, his knee buckling beneath him, and he fell. Sokka crashed first but Suki was dragged down with him, and she slipped. She reached for his hand and he tried desperately to cling to her, but it wasn’t enough. Suki slipped off the blimp and disappeared into the distance, becoming little more than a dot as Sokka screamed after her. He looked over to Toph, searching for a way out, away to make everything okay, but it was too late. She was gone too. He went down the next time the ship crashed, slipping right off the edge.</p><p>“<em>Sokka</em>.”</p><p>He should’ve been focused on the tears on his cheeks or the sweat on his brow, but all he could think about was the fact that his leg was <em>throbbing</em>. His chest was pounding, and his head hurt like shit, his lungs working overtime as he gasped for any breath he could take. Someone pulled him into their arms, but he couldn’t register who it was, his eyes not quite opening and his mind still thinking about his failures. They were dead. Suki, Toph, <em>everyone</em>, they were dead. He killed them. He couldn’t hold on tight enough and they both fell to their doom. They both died because of him. Because he was too weak to stand up either time. Too weak to fight after everything that happened.</p><p>“Sokka, <em>breathe</em>.” It was his dad, he realized. Holding him against his chest. His heartbeat was a little quick, but it was calming. Slower than Sokka’s. More regular than Sokka’s. “It’s okay. You’re safe. It was just a nightmare.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Sokka whispered, clinging to his back. The ground was solid. Stable. He felt better just knowing he was on unshifting ground. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay. You’re all right. Just take a deep breath. I’m not mad at you, Katara just came to check on you since you’ve been out all morning and she couldn’t wake you up. Said you were moving around and talking in your sleep. You feeling any better?”</p><p>“My leg hurts.” He shook his head, sniffing as he squeezed his eyes shut again. “And I feel— I feel <em>sick</em>. I know I’m not supposed to but I just— I just want more painkillers. Please.”</p><p>Hakoda hesitated, letting out a long exhale and squeezing closer Sokka before he nodded. “Okay, but you’re only going to have the recommended dosage and you’re not going to have any more today until bedtime, okay?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>It didn’t feel like enough. It should’ve been enough, but it wasn’t. Sokka couldn’t stop shaking the whole time he waited for his dad to return, even with the blanket around his shoulders, and when he finally took the painkillers, he wanted more. They kicked in after a little while, but he didn’t feel satisfied. His leg still hurt a stupid amount—because he’d built up a tolerance, his dad explained—and he didn’t have enough for that kick of adrenaline. He almost went back for more, to steal a few from his dad, but his Gran Gran caught him in the act. She didn’t say what he was doing, just claimed she was looking for him and asked him to eat lunch with her. It was all bullshit and it continued for days.</p><p>He’d barely been home a week and he already hated everything again. Yes, he loved the tribe. It was his home and he loved it more than anything, but he despised having to refuse an offer to go for a walk with Aang and Katara. He detested the way he had to sit and watch all of the younger boys train while he nursed his leg on the side. More than anything, he could barely tolerate the way his body <em>craved </em>the painkillers no matter how hard he tried not to want them. No matter how few he took or how well his dad regulated them to help him safely detox. He wanted them. He <em>needed </em>them. It took everything for Sokka not to try and steal more and he begged himself to stop every time he picked up the knife, which was a lot more than he wanted or would ever dare to admit to.</p><p>“Sokka, you okay over there?”</p><p>“No.” The word that left his mouth was wrong. It wasn’t the answer to the question he was asked; it was the answer to the question that wouldn’t stop repeating itself in his head. <em>Do you still want to do it? </em>He shook his head, blinking quickly and brushing the snow off his loose hairs. “No, I mean, sorry— I’m fine. I’m just really in my head.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Katara waved her hand over the water, creating a shape in the air that she dropped back down when she turned to look at him. “What are you thinking about?”</p><p>
  <em>Do you ever find yourself wanting to cope with the knife?</em>
</p><p>“My first therapy session yesterday. I guess.”</p><p>“Oh. You sure you’re okay?”</p><p>The reason she was asking was because he hadn’t talked to anyone about it yet. He briefly told his dad that it went well, but he didn’t know how to honestly open up about it. Sokka hated himself a <em>lot</em>, he discovered, and was probably repressing a shit ton of stuff that hadn’t even come out yet. He also managed to confess to the fact that he self-harmed in the past, and though Ticasuk was very kind about it, that ended up being the end of their session because after she tried to ask questions about how he thought it affected him through to today, he found himself choking on the edge of an anxiety attack.</p><p>
  <em>Sometimes I hold it when I have a bad day.</em>
</p><p>“Yeah.” Sokka nodded, shifting in his seat. The boat was far from comfortable on his leg, but he couldn’t reject Katara’s offer for a boat ride when she offered. Maybe he wasn’t feeling good enough to actually fish or anything, but the familiarity helped him relax. “It’s just weird opening up about stuff, you know? It’s like, I trained myself to be quiet so I wouldn’t get in the way and now there’s all this stuff I have to talk about and it’s like, I don’t know how to—”</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” Katara’s words were hesitant, as if she fully expected him to refuse and was about to apologize for asking in the first place. He only looked to his feet, however, unable to get out a word. “It’s fine if you don’t, of course, just… if you do.”</p><p>
  <em>But you don’t hurt yourself with it anymore?</em>
</p><p>“No, it’s fine. I’m okay, seriously, I’m just getting used to all of this. Like I said, I’m just not used to opening up about everything and it’s really uncomfortable trying to start. I just don’t like talking about it because Ticasuk asks me questions and they make me say things I didn’t even realize, like—”</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>“Like… I still carry so much fucking guilt from the war.” Sokka turned to look away, staring at a fish that swam past the side of the boat. He sniffed, shaking his head, and absently tugging at his heavy sleeves. He missed being able to wear lightweight fabric. It brought less attention and feeling to his scars. “I still blame myself for all this stuff that happened and I still— I still think everyone is going to leave me behind. Like I’m not good enough. And I <em>knew </em>that one, you know, that’s what hurts the most, but I just… I try not to think about it all that much, and it’s hard to stop once it’s all thrown back in your face.”</p><p>
  <em>I haven’t in years, but I still think about it. I still feel like I deserve it.</em>
</p><p>“But that’s how you’re going to start to heal from it.” Katara’s voice was calm as she slid around to face him, her gaze glancing down to his outstretched leg. He wouldn’t let her touch it anymore. Whether that was a sign of more repression or not, he didn’t know, but it felt like a lost cause. The healing did nothing without the painkillers. “You have to get all this out into the open. That’s why Dad is always trying to get you to talk more, because closing yourself off only makes it worse.”</p><p>“I know, I’m trying, but it’s— I feel like I’m trapped here because I don’t know how to talk without feeling like a burden and I don’t know how to get over that without talking so it’s like I’m stuck in this awful fucking place, and I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t know if I <em>can </em>get out of it, and I— I know that I should be moving forward but it just keeps feeling like I’m going back. Like nothing is helping at all because it doesn’t matter if I talk to Ticasuk or I have a good day, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to pick up the knife.”</p><p>
  <em>Why do you think that might be?</em>
</p><p>“What?” He didn’t answer, averting his gaze the second Katara tried to meet it. “Sokka, what are you talking about? What knife?”</p><p>“Nothing. It’s nothing, I just—” Pulling up his sleeve was an impulse and the second the cold air and the first snowflake brushed his skin, he felt the tears prickling at his eyes. He blinked them away, squeezing his eyes shut when Katara moved closer to him. “It’s— It’s been three years, but I still think about it. Sometimes I just hold it because it gives me this, like, sick sense of security. I know it’s wrong, and I know I should stop, but I don’t. I can’t.”</p><p>
  <em>Because I’m supposed to be a warrior but deep down, I think I’m just a kid.</em>
</p><p>He felt the arms around him before he opened his eyes. Sokka let out a shaking breath, reaching his arms up to hold Katara back. They were so often bickering or bantering that they didn’t get a whole lot of real, genuine sibling hugs, but he always loved it when they did. When they stopped their chatter and just let themselves sink into the moment. Katara’s arms were cold like everything else around them but her quiet breaths and gentle heartbeat were every bit reassuring. Any doubt he had about coming home left his mind in that moment. Maybe he left a lot behind, but there was no place he would rather be than there on the water, hugging his sister because they cared about each other too much.</p><p>“It’s okay,” said Katara, finally pulling away. She brushed her own hands over her face, a clearly forced smile appearing on her cheeks. “You know I’m never going to judge you for that, right? I don’t care what happened and I don’t care if you’re not ready to tell me everything now. You’re my big brother, Sokka. You mean everything to me. You always will.”</p><p>
  <em>Maybe that’s all you’re supposed to be.</em>
</p><p>“Thank you.” Sokka’s voice cracked more than he wanted it to, but he tried not to let his feelings of failure show. It was okay. He was allowed to be a little emotional sometimes. Ticasuk told him that when he started crying near the end of their session the day before. “I want to talk to you about it another time, okay? I’m not really ready for that whole thing yet, I haven’t even gotten there with Ticasuk, but I— I’m glad you know.”</p><p>For some reason, he thought the whole thing would stop there, but it didn’t. They had a nice long heart-to-heart there as Sokka opened up about a whole lot of shit that he hadn’t said before—almost everything, aside from the fact that he was into drugs, boys, and Zuko—and they didn’t run out of things to talk about the entire boat ride home. Every now and then, Sokka would stop to think, to catch his breath, and Katara never pushed him to keep going. She let him take all the space he needed, understanding that it was hard, and it was okay if he needed time. He appreciated that. It made it all the more comfortable to talk to her.</p><p>Having that weight off his chest, both the big confessions of his past self-harm and all the smaller things like his lingering feeling of insignificance, made it easier to relax. Sokka still felt a little sick, a little tired, but by the time they were sitting around the fire eating dinner together, he was laughing and smiling in a way he hadn’t done for ages. He felt better the next day too, and even the day after that. He wasn’t perfect by any means and he was still in a place where it was hard as shit to talk about the things that hurt him, but he had all the support he needed, and he felt like it was going to be okay. Like maybe, finally, everything could be okay.</p><p>“Sokka?”</p><p>He’d been smiling when his dad called his name. When he walked up behind the docks where Sokka and Katara were talking and messing around. It was a good day up until then. He was happy, and finally got back into a healthy routine of bickering with his sister. But of course, he should’ve known that something had to happen sooner or later because it was his stupid life with his stupid luck and the idea that he could possibly ever be happy was ridiculous. Unheard of. Sokka was doomed to live a life filled with misery and self-destruction and that was the end of it.</p><p>“Yeah?” It was the look in his dad’s eyes and the way he clung to the paper in his hands that made the smile fall from Sokka’s face. He glanced over to Katara, his brow furrowed in concern. “Is everything okay?”</p><p>“No, it isn’t.” Hakoda wet his lips, slowly shaking his head. It was disbelief in his eyes; not just that, but a deep-rooted level of fear. He looked down to whatever he was holding, taking a long breath before he turned his gaze back to his kids. “It’s Zuko.”</p><p>And just like that, it was back again. The pounding in his chest, the dryness of his throat. He never should’ve left. He didn’t know what happened, but he knew that if he stayed, he could’ve stopped it. He could’ve done <em>something </em>instead of being on an entirely different continent, absolutely useless and helpless to do a thing. Sokka rose to his feet quickly, Katara following as he ran over to meet his dad, his breath picking up at an unnatural speed.</p><p>“What about him?” asked Sokka, far too impatient for an answer. “<em>Dad</em>.”</p><p>Hakoda lowered the paper in his hands, looking between both his kids and failing to say any words at first. There was guilt painted across his face, similar to what must’ve been on Sokka’s. He was it all too. Leaving, and just trusting that everything would be okay. That the others could handle Zuko even though Sokka was the only one who truly understood the way he was struggling. But there was no time to dwell on regrets. Hakoda swallowed hard, looking straight into Sokka’s eyes when he finally shared what he had to say.</p><p>“Something happened, and I am— I am <em>so sorry</em>, bud, but he is—” Sokka’s breath caught in his throat, the tears already threatening to fall as his dad shook his head in utter disbelief. “He’s in a coma.”</p><p>For once, Sokka’s leg had nothing to do with it when he crashed to his knees.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0055"><h2>55. Chapter Fifty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time is a social construct.</p><p>At least, that’s what Zuko decided after four straight days without sleep and an ungodly amount of coffee. Everything around him was a little fuzzy and he was starting to feel seriously lightheaded but he figured that was more likely to be from the lack of food than the lack of sleep and decided it would be fine to skip out another night or two. He was busy finishing his next speech for an event at the end of the week and he wanted to make sure it was in perfect shape. If he happened to finish it in time for a couple hours of sleep that would be good, but if not, it wasn’t a big deal. Yeah, there were fat bags under his eyes, but he wasn’t really that sleepy. He’d had enough coffee to keep him up for a lifetime or longer. Plus, whenever he closed his eyes, he started to think about the things that his father said to him and then he got too self-conscious and couldn’t sleep anyway so it was better to spend his time being productive than crying into his pillows in a half-asleep daze.</p><p>Though he wasn’t entirely aware of what he was doing differently, Zuko knew that something was going on because everyone was treating him oddly. Some people he met with were scared and wanted the meetings over with as quickly as possible, while others continuously asked him if he was okay until he shouted at them and they became scared too. Zuko didn’t particularly <em>like </em>the looks people gave him when his temper flared but he vastly preferred it to the pity stares and chose it every time. The only problem being that his change in behavior did not go unnoticed by his friends, and they were all getting in his face about it. Azula was the worst, since she knew what he did, but he wouldn’t talk to her about it. Mai tried to help too, but he avoided her after their hug for reasons he couldn’t explain. Suki and Ty Lee both brought him food when he was irritable, but he refused it every time. Toph tried to get him to go out in the sun with her, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave his work.</p><p>Zuko buried himself in that work for longer than he’d ever expected and ended up working around the clock pretty much since the morning after he visited his father in prison. He couldn’t explain exactly why he was treating himself like such shit but he felt better than ever about how he was doing as Fire Lord and so he decided it was okay to put himself second for a while as he worked to get his people to see him as the confident, trustworthy leader that they needed. Of course, there was a problem with that plan too which was the fact that he couldn’t stop crying. There was absolutely no reason for it, and it pissed him off beyond belief that it kept happening, but there was nothing that he could do. Sometimes his eyes would just start watering and he wanted it to stop but he couldn’t make it and freaking out about it only made it worse so at a certain point, he just accepted the tears and blamed it on the fact that he hadn’t been resting his eyes enough. Not that he would admit that to anyone, so he just hid it until it went away each time because what else was he supposed to do? Admit that he hadn’t had more than a few naps since Sokka left? Absolutely not.</p><p>Still, the days were long and at a certain point, they started to blur. He was fairly sure he gave his speech at some point time wouldn’t click anymore and he couldn’t remember when, nor could he stop to figure it out. There was too much work to get done, specifically regarding the colonies which needed to have the entire seventh step revised <em>again </em>following a request from the Earth King, and Zuko couldn’t stop working for irrelevant things like eating, sleeping, or socializing. So, he didn’t. He just went about his life ignoring the passage of time and working for every minute that he could. No one ever stopped him, no one ever questioned him, and no one had figured out that every time he retired to “sleep”, he just moved his work to his desk. He thought someone would notice at some point that he hadn’t really been bathing either, but even he hadn’t realized that until Azula commented on the fact that he hadn’t redone his hair in four days. It was still in that same sloppy bun, greasy tangles spilling out across his face and the back of his neck, but he didn’t care enough to do anything about it. He rejected an offer to go with his sister to the royal spa.</p><p>The only reason Zuko was even aware that something about him looked off was because people kept asking whether he was sick. Not upset, not mad, just <em>sick</em>. Servants, politicians, councilmen—everyone wanted to know if he was recovering from some kind of illness or if he needed to take a break or some time off. Of course, he refused every time because he wasn’t sick, and he wasn’t in any place to be taking time off when he was in basically the greatest position he’d been in since his coronation. That was bothering him too though, honestly, because he felt great like he was doing everything he needed to even though he wasn’t happy, but everyone else kept acting like he was a stranger. They didn’t argue what he was doing, nor did they disrespect him in the slightest, they simply questioned whether he should be working despite how much they liked his ideas. He always shut them down with his fucked-up temper, unable to let them slip back into the habit of pitying him. At some point, he’d convinced himself that <em>they </em>were the problem, not him, and promised himself he wouldn’t play the victim anymore.</p><p>Despite this promise, old habits were hard to break and Zuko often found himself slipping into bad thoughts. The first few times it was stressful and awful, but then he remembered what happened after he saw his father and realized he knew a way to make it stop. He burned himself every time his mind started to wander until the marks climbed all the way from his wrists to his shoulders, and even on his collarbones. It hurt like shit, especially when he forgot they were there and bumped into things, but he couldn’t stop doing it. He needed to stop having those thoughts, the ones which made it feel like he was weak instead of one of the most powerful people in the world, and when he was a child, he learned through pain. Sometimes he’d fight back but after enough beating both physically and mentally, he learned; and if he had to be the one who did that to himself so that he could unlearn the poor habits he’d fallen into over the last few months, he would. Zuko was not a victim, he was the Fire Lord, and it was time for him to stop bitching about that.</p><p>That particular morning, he was wandering around the palace halls in a daze, trying to fight off his bout of dizziness before his first meeting of the day. Of course, the obvious solution to the problem would be to go the fuck back to bed and sleep for once that week, but he didn’t have time for a nap before his commitments. Zuko spent the entire night working on the things he’d be talking about in his follow-up meeting with the council, and his hands ached from how much writing he’d done but he was confident in his work and more than prepared for whatever he would face. Except for the fact that his feet dragged and every step he took seemed to make the world around him spin a little faster. He reached around his wrist, giving himself a little sting. It brought himself back to the land of the living and he blinked several times, shaking himself off before tapping a few more sparks to himself for that extra energy. Before he did anything else, he needed coffee. He’d consumed essentially nothing but since he’d seen his father, but it didn’t matter. It helped and he wasn’t hungry anyway. He was just tired and that didn’t matter because he had too much to deal with; he didn’t have time to sleep.</p><p>Zuko went straight for the kitchens after realizing how badly his feet were sliding on the floor, his hand constantly pressing onto the wall beside him when he felt like he might fall over. It was pathetic. Weak. He needed to keep going and working because the people were depending on him and he couldn’t let them down. He didn’t ask the servants for anything, making his coffee himself and drinking it straight out of the pot instead of bothering with a cup. Zuko needed copious amounts of it to function anyway so adding in a cup would just waste time that he didn’t have. He needed to get to his meeting before they thought he finally cracked. <em>Not </em>that he was on the edge of cracking, far from considering his progress over the last few days, but people still thought he was sick, and he had to prove that wasn’t true. He had to prove that there was no reason to be concerned about him because he was fine, and he was getting better, and he was the Fire Lord they needed. He was the Fire Lord that the people had always dreamed might one day take over the throne, even if his reign got off to a bit of a rough start because he was acting like a fucking loser.</p><p>After finishing his coffee, Zuko left the kitchens and headed out into the corridors, his eyes half closed as he shuffled over to the council chamber. He felt a little better than he had before, but he was still tired for no good reason and he wanted it to go away. It didn’t, and he was forced to keep one hand against the wall as he struggled to stay on his feet. His entire body felt lightweight, he was dizzy as anything, and his eyes wouldn’t stay open no matter how hard he tried. He was cold too, his hands shaking from either that or something he wasn’t acknowledging, and it took more effort to force those feelings to subside.</p><p>For some reason, he was struggling to bend as well as he normally did and regulating his body temperature wasn’t coming to him as easily as it was supposed to, leaving him freezing because of something he couldn’t understand. He was in the <em>Fire Nation</em>. It was hot there. Why the <em>fuck </em>was he so cold? He pushed the thoughts from his mind. It didn’t matter if he was comfortable, his mind was still working and that was all he needed. He turned into the council chamber and began to push open the door, stopping only when he heard voices already speaking on the inside.</p><p>“…running out of time to act on this,” one of the women went on, though Zuko’s mind was fuzzy and he struggled to identify who the voice belonged to. “We were already in a difficult position concerning his mental state but as you all know, the concern for his physical wellbeing is more prominent than ever. You’ve all noticed how sick he’s been these past few days, I’m sure, and unfortunately, for both the security of the nation and the kid’s own health and safety, we have to make some big decisions now.”</p><p>“Yes, a few of us have been reading into the current law, and there is a clause in there which allows us to take action in the event of this happening.” Zuko wanted to storm into the room, to demand the man shut the fuck up and explain what was happening, but he knew they’d never say the whole truth if they knew he was there. He leaned against the wall, ignoring the stinging on his arms. “It’s a rather tight set of restrictions but given the current situation and Fire Lord Zuko’s deteriorating mental and physical health, we do have the ability to take him off the throne if we determine that his current state puts the Fire Nation in immediate danger. We…”</p><p>He stopped listening, stumbling back out of the entrance to the room. Zuko knew that he didn’t know the full story, that they didn’t guarantee they were taking him off the throne, but anxiety jumped to conclusions and immediately he felt sick. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much work he did over the last few days, it wasn’t enough. He thought he was winning them over, but they were just learning to hate him more and more and they wanted him off the throne. They went through the laws actually searching for an excuse to get him out.</p><p>Suddenly, Zuko realized he couldn’t breathe and stepped away from the council chambers. If they were all conspiring against him, desperate to get their leader out of power, then he didn’t want to attend their bullshit meeting anyway. Instead, he stumbled outside, one hand pressed against the wall the entire way to keep himself from dropping right over. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t <em>breathe</em>, and all he knew was that he needed air. He dropped down beside the turtle duck pond, staring at the water with wide eyes as he reached his hands beneath his sleeves.</p><p>Each burn hurt worse than the last, but he needed to get himself under control. He was losing it. Something he was doing was still wrong and he didn’t know what it was, but he needed to fix it and he couldn’t do that if he was having a fucking anxiety attack. Zuko swallowed hard, sucking in a deep breath of air as he tried and failed to force his lungs back into working order. It wasn’t doing anything to help, which only made him more frantic and desperate to fix himself, so he burned his arms deeper to drag himself back to reality. It ached badly but it gave him something else to focus on and he thought he was finally starting to relax, but then someone suddenly took hold of his arms and tried to pull his fingers away from them; their voice distant and not fully registering in his mind. Zuko ripped away, wanting more than anything for the burning sensation to return to his arms but they wouldn’t let go so he opened his eyes to see who was there, desperate to make them go away.</p><p>“Let go of me!” he cried, his eyes barely registering Azula’s presence, let alone Mai and Ty Lee behind her. She refused to do as she was told, her grip around his hands tightening as he fought back, trying desperately to get away from her. “Thtop, let go! You’re making it worthe!”</p><p>“I’m not making it worse, <em>you’re </em>making it worse,” snapped Azula, her tone more concerned than angry. “You were fucking burning yourself, Zuko. I’m not going to let you keep doing that!”</p><p>“But it <em>helpth</em>. It thtopth the bad thoughth, it— it <em>helpth</em>. Let me do it, pleathe. Jutht let go of me. Jutht let me make the bad thoughth go away. <em>Pleathe</em>.”</p><p>She didn’t let go of him, instead gripping onto his hands even tighter as she called something back to the others. Zuko didn’t know what it was, unable to hear over the sound of his own hyperventilating, but Ty Lee turned and ran off immediately after she spoke and instantly he feared that she was going to tell the council to go through with their decision. It was stupid, he knew, but fucking anxiety was running amok and even as Mai wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into her chest as Azula continued to hold onto his hands. He knew he was burning at the tips of his fingers but Azula still didn’t pull away, refusing to let him get back to his fucked-up coping mechanisms. They kept talking, both of the women, but he had no idea what they were saying and no attempts to focus could fix it. His head was pounding, the world around him swirled as he struggled to breathe, and not one word registered in his mind as more than a mumble.</p><p>“Get away from me,” Zuko finally managed to croak out, the words coming out weak and hoarse rather than the shouting he wanted. He couldn’t raise his voice regardless of how hard he tried, and without that rage, he wasn’t frightening enough to scare them off. The women just held onto him tighter as if he weren’t scary at all and he hated it. He hated that his efforts were all for nothing. That they <em>still </em>thought he was something to be pitied. “Jutht leave me alone, I don’t want help. I don’t want it. I’m <em>fine</em>. Jutht go away. Pleathe, jutht go away. <em>Pleathe</em>.”</p><p>“No.” It was Mai who spoke, one hand on the back of his head in that same stupid way she always held him. “It doesn’t matter if you <em>want </em>help, Zuko, you <em>need </em>it. You were literally burning yourself. That’s not okay. <em>You’re </em>not okay. You need to let us help you. You can’t keep living like this. You’re killing yourself.”</p><p>“I thould. Then at leatht the people wouldn’t remember me ath a fucking failure. You could jutht— you could jutht tell them I wath athathinated and then they’d never have to know the truth and I could—”</p><p>“Zuko, stop! Fucking stop it!” Azula squeezed his hands somehow even tighter, the look on her face nothing short of terrified as she tried to meet his gaze. He avoided it, staring down to the grass near his feet and watching as two drops fell from his face and splashed against the green blades. “You are <em>not </em>going to kill yourself. We’re getting you help, all right? You got me help, and I’m going to do that for you too. I don’t— I don’t know <em>how </em>but it’s going to happen. You’re going to get help and you’re going to get better and everything is going to be okay.”</p><p>“No, it’th not.” The words came out sounding like he was fucking two years old and suddenly he realized he was on the edge of tears. “It’th too late. They don’t— they don’t want me anymore. What’th the point? I could die now or live the retht of my life ath the fucking failure father alwayth thaid I wath!”</p><p>Despite his awful outburst, no one said a word and for a moment, he thought they were giving him and agreeing that he would be better off dead. That if he were dead it would be easier to explain to the people what happened, and they’d all just be glad he was gone. But then someone else sat at his side and he realized that they weren’t being quiet because they wanted him to die, they were being quiet because Toph was there and they were giving her space to help too. Zuko thought he was okay, that he was holding it all together despite what was happening but the moment he saw Toph’s wide, terrified eyes, he lost it. He sobbed harder than he had since he was a baby, barely able to process anything when Mai pulled him in tighter and Ty Lee knelt on his side opposite from Toph.</p><p>“They’re taking my throne,” Zuko cried, his voice cracking on the last word. When no one seemed to know what he was talking about, Toph even asking what the fuck was going on, he elaborated; barely able to speak through his wheezing. “The counthil wanth me gone. They’re— they found a clauthe that can take me off the throne becauthe I’m not ‘mentally thtable’ but I <em>am</em>. I’m <em>fine</em>. I’ve been working for <em>dayth </em>and I don’t underthtand why they don’t like me anymore.”</p><p>“Wait, wait, wait, you’ve been working for <em>days</em>?” For some reason, Ty Lee sounded shocked by the information, as if Zuko hadn’t been working his ass off every day since his coronation. She slid a little closer to Mai, trying to meet his eyes before she spoke. Zuko dodged the gaze again. “Hey, Zuko. Look at us. Please. When was the last time you slept?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” He shook his head quickly, aching to burn himself again when he realized his filter was still gone, but unable to move his arms thanks to Mai’s grip. He bit down hard on his lip, a pathetic sob escaping his mouth before he managed to say another word. “I had to work, I— I don’t know. I wath working, I didn’t— I had a couple napth, but I haven’t— the night before Thokka left? I don’t know. It doethn’t matter, I had work.”</p><p>“Before he left?” Azula gaped, her jaw dropping as she stared at her brother in shock. “Zuko, Sokka has been gone for over a <em>week</em>. No wonder you’re having a fucking breakdown, your body doesn’t even know what to do. Have you eaten anything since then? At all?”</p><p>“<em>Thtop</em>.” Suddenly, Zuko ripped away from Mai, backing away into the tree behind them. There were too many eyes on him—Mai, Ty Lee, and Toph all keeping their distance while Azula was on top of him again in a second—and it was making it worse. He was overwhelmed, sick to his stomach, and wanted nothing more than to get away and be alone. “Jutht leave me <em>alone</em>. I know what I’m doing. It’th what the people need and you’re getting in the way of it. Everyone ith getting in the way of it. I thought I wath doing better and I wath working hard and I knew what wath wrong but now you all hate me and they’re taking my throne and <em>I don’t know what to do</em>.”</p><p>“We do not hate you, Zuko.”</p><p>“Yeth, you <em>do.</em> I’m not thtupid, I can tell. You hate me and I detherve it. Nobody liketh me. They jutht— people only care about the Fire Lord. That’th why— That’th why I keep working. I don’t <em>want </em>to be Thuko anymore. Everyone hateth Thuko but everyone liketh the Fire Lord and I jutht— I jutht— even <em>I </em>hate me and I— I don’t want everyone to hate me anymore.”</p><p>“Okay, listen.” Azula held up a finger to the others, giving them a look over her shoulder. “One thing at a time, okay? We don’t hate you, I promise. Yeah, I’m a little pissed at you right now, but do you know why that is?”</p><p>His inhale was nothing but a wheeze. “Becauthe I keep lithping?”</p><p>“You— no. <em>Fuck </em>no. No. Nobody is mad at you for that. That is— honestly, that is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I didn’t even realize you were doing it until you just pointed it out.”</p><p>“I’m thorry.”</p><p>“She didn’t mean it like a bad thing.” Ty Lee slid a little closer, her eyes wide and compassionate. Zuko almost wanted to try and relax for that look, but all that happened were more tears rolling down his cheeks. “It’s okay. We don’t mind your lisping, Zuko. We never have. We love you just the way you are.”</p><p>“No, you don’t. Nobody doeth.” He yanked away when Mai reached out for him, sniffing, and shoving his hands over his eyes. “The counthil hateth me becauthe I told them everything and now you hate me becauthe I can’t thtop crying and I can’t even fucking <em>talk</em>.”</p><p>“Zuko, stop it.” Toph knelt down beside him, and for once, he looked up, if only because he knew she wouldn’t be staring back. “We are not mad at you for that. That would be so fucking stupid of us. It would be like getting mad at me for being blind. It doesn’t even make sense. You’re okay. It’s fine.”</p><p>“Thtop thaying that. It’th not fine, it’th not. I fucked it all up. I wath doing tho much better and then I opened my big thtupid mouth and now they all hate me again. They don’t care that I’m doing a good job ath the Fire Lord becauthe they hate me ath Thuko!”</p><p>“What? Hey.” He didn’t entirely resist when Mai placed a hand on his shoulder, only flinching away in response. He didn’t know why. He couldn’t even think anymore. All he knew was that everything hurt. “What are you talking about? What did you tell them?”</p><p>“I told them— I told them— <em>fuck </em>I thound tho <em>thtupid</em>.” All four of the women rushed to reassure him and that was the only thing that got him to open his mouth again. “I told them about how I get really anxiouth, and thometimeth I throw up when it’th really bad. And I thaid— they wanted me to talk about the rumorth and I wath tired and I didn’t want to do it anymore tho I told them— I told them I like boyth and now they all hate me becauthe I’m not— I’m not thuppothed to like boyth. I’m not allowed to, but I don’t know how to thtop it, and I don’t think I want to.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” Mai gently eased him back into an embrace, Toph giving his arm a reassuring squeeze with one hand. It took a second, but he managed to settle down against Mai’s shoulder, his chest still shaking with sobs. “You don’t have to stop it. You don’t have to stop anything. It’s okay if you like boys and it’s okay if you lisp, you just don’t beat yourself up about it, okay? This is not you talking, this is Ozai. He’s in your head and you have to try and get him out.”</p><p>“But he’th <em>right</em>. He thaid— He thaid nobody truthth me and they <em>don’t</em>. Even you— you thaid you were pithed at me, Athula. I did <em>everything </em>for you, and I didn’t have to, and you <em>thtill </em>hate me.”</p><p>“No, I don’t.” But her words were harsh and struck him in a way like she did. “Zuko, I wasn’t going to say I was pissed at you because I hate you, I was going to say I’m pissed because after everything that’s happened, you <em>still </em>won’t talk to us when something is wrong.”</p><p>“I’m thorry.” The only reason he was able to register that it was Toph’s hand squeezing his was because of which side she was on. His brain wasn’t fully processing anything anymore. All he knew was that everything hurt. “I don’t know why I can’t do it. I’m not— I’m not good enough. I’m the wortht Fire Lord <em>ever</em>.”</p><p>“No, you’re a great Fire Lord, you’re just a failure of a human being,” said Azula. She bit her lip, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath, shaking her head. It seemed like she realized she said the wrong thing after Zuko let out a whimper, as she quickly moved to backtrack. “No, that’s not what I meant. You try really hard to make the Fire Nation a good place and everyone appreciates that, but you’re not doing the same thing for yourself. You’re not helping yourself and that’s the problem because you’re falling apart, and you need help more than anyone else you’re watching over right now.”</p><p>“That’th not true. I don’t need help.” Zuko pulled his hands into tight fists, hoping they wouldn’t notice that he was burning his palms. It helped. It gave him something to focus on that wasn’t despising himself and his existence. He looked around to his friends, wishing they would just leave him alone for once. “I’m fine. It’th fine. I’m figuring it out. Thokka and I agreed to get therapy and that’th— that’th what I’m doing. That’th why I wath burning mythelf becauthe the pain helpth you learn. It helpth you thtop the bad habith.”</p><p>“<em>No</em>, it doesn’t. You’re not helping yourself, you’re <em>hurting </em>yourself. Father got into your head and you’re going back to things you did as a kid and it’s not helping, it’s making it worse and you don’t even realize it. Your ‘therapy’ wasn’t fucking helpful and I know you don’t believe that because you resolved the problem, but it wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t. You were abused by father and by your therapist and what you’re doing now is not a healthy fucking coping mechanism. You need to stop doing this. Please. When you burn yourself, all you’re doing is— you’re doing it right now. Shit. Zuko, stop. <em>Stop</em>.”</p><p>Azula almost leapt at him to tear open his palms and he stumbled backward out of Mai’s grasp, his heart pounding in his ears and making his headache worse as he scrambled to get away from her. He needed the pain, the burning, the distracting sensation, or else he was going to fall back into the same thoughts he’d been avoiding for days. Mai tried to reach back out to him, and it looked like Toph wanted to bend and trap him in place, but nobody dared to touch him. He wanted to believe it was because he was scary and not because he was scared but it was impossible because he knew how pathetic he looked, and he knew they just didn’t want to make it worse. Zuko’s wheezing got worse as he leaned back against the other side of the tree, his chest rising and falling painfully as he dragged his hands through his greasy, unkempt hair. He tugged on a few loose strands of it, trying to ignore the water that poured out of his eyes like a waterfall.</p><p>“Okay, we need to— we have to approach this differently. We’re not helping.” It was Mai who came to his defense, trying to stop them from hurting Zuko any further. He was grateful for that but didn’t know whether approaching the situation any differently would actually help. Suddenly, Mai knelt in front of him, Toph kneeling down at his side. It was easier to deal with only one person talking. Less overwhelming. The tears didn’t stop sliding down his cheeks, but he managed to lift his gaze to look at Mai when she slid her thumb over his chin to brush away a falling tear. “Hey, Zuko. You need to try and breathe, all right? I know this is really stressful but it’s a lot worse because you’re exhausted. How about we just go back to your room and you take a good, long nap while Ty Lee and I get you something to eat, okay?”</p><p>“No.” Zuko shook his head, tearing his gaze away and shaking off Mai’s hand in the process. “No, I’m done. I can’t do thith anymore. I tried tho hard and it’th not getting any better. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do thith anymore. I jutht— I jutht want it all to thtop. Why won’t you jutht let me burn mythelf? I wath fine when I wath doing that and now I want to kill mythelf and you won’t let me— you won’t let me make it better.”</p><p>“Because it’s not making it better, it’s making it worse. Shit, you must be in so much pain right now. Look, I know you’re scared, but you have to try. For us. Please.”</p><p>“I can’t. It doethn’t matter. It’th already too late. They’re taking me off the throne. I’m done. I couldn’t do it. I failed. I failed <em>again</em>.”</p><p>“Zuko, please.” Toph looked like she was on the edge of tears too, reaching out to Zuko but not touching him due to the way the Fire Lord kept squirming away. He didn’t deserve anyone as nice as his friends. “Let’s just start small, okay? Mai is right. You can take a nap and we’ll make you some tea and we can send a letter to your uncle and then he’ll come visit and you’ll feel better. Please. We need you, and even if you don’t think so, you need us too.”</p><p>With that, Zuko finally started to relax, his feet sliding away from him and his knees releasing from where they were pressed against his chest. Zuko was torn as he looked to Toph’s downcast, watery eyes, not knowing whether it was really okay for him to accept the help. In all honesty, he didn’t feel like he deserved it. He’d been a jerk to all of his friends, an asshole to his staff, and as terrifying as it was, he had what was coming. He <em>should </em>have his throne taken away, even if he was upset about it. The truth was, he hadn’t been doing a good job as the Fire Lord. Yes, he returned peace to the nation. Yes, he was working on plans to return peace to much of the rest of the world. Yes, he had all sorts of plans to make the nation what he believed to be a better place. But he didn’t follow through with any of those things. He spent his time overworking himself, panicking, <em>crying </em>until he lost track of what he was even doing.</p><p>“I’m thorry.” The words came out as barely more than a whisper, and he wasn’t even sure if anyone could understand him through his shaking breaths. “I thould have athked for help. I thould have— I thould have tried harder.”</p><p>“No, you don’t have to try harder. You just have to talk about it when something is wrong.” Ty Lee slid closer to the others, Azula hanging back when Mai pulled Zuko into a fresh embrace. “It’s okay. We’re not mad at you, Zuko.”</p><p>“She’s right. We just want to make sure you’re okay.” Mai gave his shoulders a squeeze, sniffing softly. “Let’s just take you back to your room, all right? You have to get some sleep before we can figure out the rest of this.”</p><p>Zuko hesitated before nodding. “Okay.”</p><p>“Hey.” Ty Lee smiled at the same time another tear rolled down his cheek, and it took a moment for him to realize why. She let the baby turtle duck crawl into her palm, holding it out for Zuko. “Look, she came to check on you. She wanted to make sure you were okay.”</p><p>It took a moment, but slowly, Zuko eased into what was happening and allowed Ty Lee to pass the turtle duck into his own hands. For a moment, he felt calm. Tears were still actively falling down his face, but that little creature was a reminder of better times. <em>Good </em>times. The reason that tree always made him feel so safe. That broke him again. Zuko’s breath caught in his throat and his heart began to race faster. He liked disappointing Ozai, but disappointing his mother <em>hurt</em>. Knowing that she wouldn’t be proud of him, that she would think he’d failed the nation, made him want to burn himself again. His eyes went wide.</p><p>“I’m going to burn her.” His tone was frantic, but it took Ty Lee a little too long to understand what he meant. Azula moved first, reaching to take the turtle duck from his hands right as the sobbing started again. “I almotht burned her. I— I can’t control it anymore, it— oh, fuck, I burned you too. I— <em>fuck</em>. I’m thorry. I’m tho thorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay.” Mai could say that, but it wasn’t. Burning himself was one thing, burning someone he cared about was another. “I know it’s not your fault, Zuko, it—”</p><p>“No.” Zuko shook his head, sliding out of Mai’s arms. She tried to reach out for him again, but he pulled away and she took the cue to stop. “It ith my fault, it— it’th jutht like my lithp. I feel like I can’t thtop but I can and I have to fathe the conthequentheth of that.”</p><p>“Zuko, your lisp is not your fault. It never was, and this isn’t either.” Azula’s tone was comforting but the words didn’t help. They were lies. “It’s an emotional response. You weren’t trying to burn anyone, it just happened. I’ve done that too. You don’t have to blame yourself. Let’s just get you back to your room so you can rest, all right?”</p><p>“You don’t underthtand! I <em>do </em>have to blame mythelf and that won’t— it won’t make anything better. I’ll thtill be a weak Fire Lord and a failure of a perthon and when I wake up everything will thtill hurt. The only way to make thith all thtop ith to get rid of me.”</p><p>“Zuko—”</p><p>“Thtop it! Don’t touch me! I don’t care what you want to thay, I can’t <em>do </em>thith anymore. I don’t want to. <em>Thtop</em>.” He yanked away when Mai reached out, his heart pounding so hard it hurt. The moment Azula slid closer to him, he held up a knife. Mai’s knife. It wasn’t hard to take it from her pocket when they were sitting so close. He pressed it against his wrist, not pushing down, but glaring at the women. “Thtop trying to help me. I wath <em>fine</em> and now I hate <em>everything </em>and it’th becauthe you wouldn’t thtop.”</p><p>“No. That’s not fair. You can’t blame it on them.” Toph squeezed her hands tightly, clearly ready to bend the earth to stop him, but not actually moving. She understood his manipulation. She knew he was bluffing. “Zuko, put it down. You aren’t thinking straight right now.”</p><p>“You’re right, I’m not, becauthe I’m fucking <em>gay</em>. I can’t even do <em>that </em>right.”</p><p>“Please, just put it down.” Mai was talking like he was upset, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t sad, he was just <em>angry</em>. He wanted to kill himself to spite them as much as he wanted to do it to stop the pain. “I promise it’s going to be okay, Zuko. Just breathe. <em>Please</em>. Please don’t do this, you promised. You told me you wouldn’t die. You remember that?”</p><p>“I don’t remember anything but pain.” He knew exactly how stupid and edgy he sounded but it was true. In that moment, all his brain was processing was how much everything <em>hurt</em>. The blood was warm on his wrist. “Jutht thtop. I don’t care what you thay, I’m not putting mythelf firtht. Either let me work or let me die.”</p><p>They ended up not having to make that decision, and neither did Zuko. He was okay sitting on the ground, but the moment he tried to stand up without the wall to support him, his sleep-deprived, malnourished, burned up body finally hit his limit. The last thing he heard was his friends crying out and the last thing he felt was someone’s arms around his stomach before everything went black.</p>
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<a name="section0056"><h2>56. Iroh's Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He knew that something was wrong the moment the letters from his nephew stopped coming.</p><p>Ever since he’d moved back to Ba Sing Se, Iroh looked forward to receiving the letters from Zuko. They always arrived at the end of the week, detailing everything that happened in the days leading up to their delivery. Sometimes Zuko just babbled about theater or old memories and sometimes he wrote about much of the political affairs he’d been dealing with recently, but he didn’t write much about himself. Iroh acknowledged this and made sure to nudge him in the right direction with his own letters, which asked how he was doing with everything. Sometimes Zuko took the bait. Usually he didn’t.</p><p>He was proud of the few responses he did get from his nephew, explaining how he was handling various situations and being the Fire Lord that Iroh always knew he could be. The news confirmed his stories too, with the daily articles in the Ba Sing Se paper talking about how the Fire Nation was thriving under its new leadership. Iroh believed that Zuko was telling the truth for the most part—in particular, he had a feeling Zuko’s issues with anxiety hadn’t just magically gone away—and was so proud that he was taking charge of his own life, even if he sometimes made questionable decisions (he would always support his nephew but taking Azula back, for example, was admittedly a very risky choice). But then the letters stopped coming and he began to fear his feelings of concern were right from the start.</p><p>It was sporadic, at first. Zuko still sent letters but they weren’t coming as regularly. They didn’t arrive at the end of every week, instead coming about every other, and sometimes on the most random of days. The letters still contained the same kind of information, however, and Iroh decided to give his nephew the benefit of the doubt. He had a lot on his plate with the colony affairs and Iroh didn’t want him to be too worried about sending letters if he didn’t have the time to write more often. Still, he found it odd that Zuko wouldn’t say anything specific about what was going on there and wondered whether he took the whole “Iroh can’t get involved because the Earth Kingdom government resents him” thing a little too far.</p><p>That said, Iroh still made sure to add extra reassuring messages in his own letters, as well as humorous stories from the Jasmine Dragon just to keep them in high spirits. All he wanted for Zuko was the absolute best and it seemed like he was pursuing that. He was becoming independent, doing his best to be the ruler he’d always dreamed of, and Iroh was unbelievably proud of him for that. Until the letters stopped coming altogether and nearly three weeks passed without so much as a word from him or a public update on the status of the colonies. Again, Iroh wanted to give Zuko the benefit of the doubt because he knew how busy he was, but eventually his worry stirred to a point where he couldn’t take it anymore. He was already packing to leave when the paper arrived on his doorstep.</p><p>He wasn’t intending to stop to read it, but he didn’t want to litter, so stepped downstairs to take it off the streets before packing the rest of his things. Iroh didn’t think it was important to actually know what the words were, not more important than going to see his nephew, but he froze the moment he lifted the paper off the ground. Normally, the headlines were about something to do with the Earth King or relevant news in Ba Sing Se. Not today. No, the big, bold words were instead highlighting an event having taken place in the Fire Nation. Not just any event, but the exact event he was terrified would happen and was on his way to check on before he’d gone to retrieve the paper.</p>
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    <em>Fine Nation Enters Uncharted Territory After Fire Lord Vanishes from the Public Eye.</em>
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</blockquote><p>The entire article was built around speculation but each word he looked at made his heart ache a little more. Apparently, the palace had announced several days prior that all of Zuko’s public appearances would be canceled and/or postponed until further notice, and no news would be made public about the affairs within palace walls. There was no explanation as to why this was happening aside from guesses and speculation that Iroh didn’t read. He didn’t want to know about the things people <em>believed </em>were happening, he wanted to know the truth. No matter how scared he was that his nephew <em>had </em>gotten himself into such a painful place that he tried to harm himself in a way he could never come back from. He’d stopped the moment his eyes glazed over the words ‘mental breakdown’ and ‘suicide attempt’, knowing that it was all a bunch of lies. Iroh knew his nephew better than anyone and he wouldn’t do that to himself. Not when there were so many people he loved who could be hurt by his loss.</p><p>Even more motivated to get out of there following the paper’s arrival, Iroh stuffed the last of his things into a bag, slipping on his shoes before he turned to head down the stairs to leave. He stopped only when he heard a sound behind him and looked back to see that there was a messenger hawk perched on his windowsill. Iroh placed his bag beside the doorway, walking over to see what was written on the letter wrapped to its leg. His heart skipped a beat when he saw that it was written on Fire Nation stationary. He removed the letter quickly, unrolling it as fast as he. It was not his nephew’s handwriting which sent another pang to his heart, but he read on anyway, hoping it would share with him some of the information he so desperately needed.</p>
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    <em>Iroh,</em>
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    <em>Zuko suffered a severe mental breakdown. The physician says he might be in a coma. No one knows yet but Azula, Ty Lee, Toph, and me. Please come as soon as you can. He needs you.</em>
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    <em>-Mai</em>
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</blockquote><p>Though he wanted desperately to know more, Iroh appreciated that the letter was brief and straight to the point. Mai didn’t dance around the facts, didn’t try to explain anything that couldn’t be said on paper, just gave the blunt details and told Iroh what he needed to know in as few words as possible. They could figure out what to do once he made it to the Fire Nation but all that mattered then was that he knew what happened. He wanted to blame himself for not leaving sooner, for not traveling to the Fire Nation the moment he started to worry, but he knew that wouldn’t help anything and forced himself to think about it as little as possible on the way home. This was not about his failure, it was about making sure that Zuko was okay and doing that as soon as possible.</p><p>When he arrived on the front steps of the palace, Mai and Ty Lee were already there waiting for them; seated outside as they sat in anxious silence. They looked up the second Iroh got close, and he felt terrible for them as soon as he could see their faces. There were bags under both women’s eyes deeper than the ocean, their expressions sunken and sad, and their appearances far more tired and disheveled than he could remember seeing. He opened his mouth to ask whether they were okay and to find out where Zuko was, but before he could, Ty Lee cut him off; the words spilling out almost faster than Iroh’s seasoned mind could process them.</p><p>“I’m so sorry we didn’t write sooner,” she said, words slurring slightly as if she were half asleep. “He’s been in a bad place for months, but it seemed like he was doing better for a while but then he just <em>crashed,</em> and he had— he had Mai’s knife— I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Iroh assured him gently, doing his best to reassure the overly stressed teenager. “Where is my nephew now?”</p><p>“He’s still in bed, totally out of it. He had a really bad panic attack,” Mai explained, cutting off Ty Lee to speak in a significantly calmer tone. “We found him out by the turtle duck pond just sobbing and burning his arms up. We were at it for— fuck, it must’ve been like twenty minutes we were trying to calm him down, but it just didn’t work. He totally freaked out and took one of my knives and he— he was threatening us with suicide because he was so messed up but then he tried to stand up and he just fucking passed out. He’s— He’s definitely in a coma too, Shin was still checking on him when I sent the letter, but it’s been days and he hasn’t moved. She said it’s because he’s severely malnourished, underweight, and massively sleep-deprived and because of all that his burns aren’t healing and his vitals are shitty and it’s all just getting worse, and shit, you want to see him right? Sorry.”</p><p>She was right. More than anything in the world, Iroh wanted to see his nephew and apologize for not being there when he needed him. For giving him the space he requested instead of trusting his gut instinct and going to the Fire Nation the second the letters started reading oddly. Iroh didn’t want to believe that it was true, that Zuko would really try to commit suicide, but he knew there was no denying it. Whatever happened since the last time they saw each other, he was in a horrible place and needed some serious love and care. Logically, Iroh knew that it wasn’t all his fault. That from Zuko’s letters alone, he couldn’t have known. But that didn’t stop him from wanting to kick himself a thousand times over.</p><p>“It’s okay,” he said finally. “You should rest, both of you. You look very tired.”</p><p>“Okay.” Ty Lee nodded, glancing over to Mai before looking down to her feet. “If there’s anything else you want to know, we can—”</p><p>“We’ll get to that when we can.” He kept his voice soft, not wanting to overwhelm the girls with his own concern. “Right now, you need your rest.”</p><p>He nodded for them to do as they were told, a reassuring smile on his lips, and Mai met his eyes for only a second before her and Ty Lee rose and headed back into the palace; their bodies not once ceasing their shaking. Once they were gone, Iroh turned to find his own way into the palace, walking down the halls he’d grown up in. Iroh remembered better than anyone where Zuko’s bedroom was and reached it within minutes, walking a little faster to get there as soon as he could. He did notice on his way that the palace was nearly empty, which was very odd considering how many servants were usually around. However, he decided not to worry about it and pushed on until he arrived at Zuko’s room. There was no one around and as he knew his nephew was not awake, Iroh didn’t bother knocking. He went straight into the room, moving quietly though there was virtually no chance he could actually wake the Fire Lord.</p><p>Zuko was lying back in his bed, positioned somewhat stiffly in a way that said he was placed there rather than settling down by himself. His face was pale and slightly pink; his growing hair tied into a loose ponytail hanging off one of his cloth-covered shoulders. His all too bony arms were resting on top of the blankets, wrapped from palm to shoulder in the same bandages, and Iroh understood instantly what they were and how it connected to what Mai told him. He understood how Zuko must’ve gotten the injuries but didn’t want to dwell on it. It hurt too much to think about. So, instead, he sat down on the edge of the bed beside his nephew and gently pressed a hand to his forehead. He pushed away a few stray strands of hair, a single tear escaping his own eye as his fingers grazed the same warm skin he’d cared for so many times when the boy was a child. He sighed softly, sliding his hand off his nephew’s head as he turned to look around the rest of the room.</p><p>There was a lot of half-finished work lying on his desk and on the bench near the window too. Papers were scattered all about, brushes and inkwells spread between them. None of it had been touched in days, he knew, but it was nice to look at anyway. To know that, before everything crashed, Zuko was passionate about his work and doing his best to make the nation a better place. He wasn’t intending to read any of the work, just admiring the fact that it was <em>there</em>, but he stopped when he saw a half-written letter addressed to him on the desk.</p><p>It didn’t say much, just talking about how Zuko was doing an amazing job as the Fire Lord, but something about the tone was different and in just the one paragraph he’d finished, Iroh got the feeling that what he <em>thought </em>was good, really wasn’t good at all. He nearly turned away after that, planning to sit by Zuko’s side for a while, but stopped again when he noticed a piece of paper sticking out of one of the drawers to the left of his desk. Iroh slid the drawer open to push the paper the rest of the way in; his brow furrowing when he realized what he was looking at wasn’t just a page of work, but another letter to him. He pushed it aside, his eyes widening a little when he realized the drawer was <em>filled </em>with nothing but letters addressed to him.</p><p>Iroh scooped up each and every one, placing them on Zuko’s bedside table before sitting back down beside him. There were probably a hundred or more letters, dating back to months ago, and he intended to read every one. He didn’t know why Zuko hadn’t sent them, but he hoped it wasn’t out of fear that sending too many letters would become annoying. Iroh loved reading the letters from his nephew more than anything else in the world, and his best part of the week was the day they arrived at his window. Getting more letters would never be a burden, it was a gift, and he wished that Zuko could have known that. But, he knew, there was no turning back time and so instead of dwelling on what could have happened, he unfolded the first letter to read back to what did; his heart dropping into his stomach as he read through and realized that Zuko’s reason for not sending the letters likely wasn’t what he’d thought.</p><p>The letters that Zuko hadn’t sent all held a particular tone which the ones Iroh received didn’t have. It changed depending on the letter but ranged from bitchy to angry to nothing but sad. The more he read, the more Iroh realized that the reason Zuko wasn’t sending every letter wasn’t just because he thought he was a burden—which he did, according to several of them, which broke his uncle’s heart—but because he didn’t want Iroh to know the things he was writing down. He didn’t want him to know that the letters he did send contained only the good things and were omitting the bad. The worst one, which prompted him to take a break from reading through the letters to spend some silent time with his unconscious nephew, was one which talked about nothing but how much Zuko missed him. How he wanted to visit so badly but he couldn’t get away from the palace and he wished that Iroh could come there but he didn’t want to bother him when he knew how happy he was at his tea shop. The worst part was that it started like one of the letters that Zuko <em>would </em>send but devolved into a sad ramble that he must’ve decided wasn’t happy enough for him to send to his uncle. Iroh wished Zuko would have sent it. He’d have visited in a heartbeat.</p><p>After what must have been an hour or more of reading each and every letter, Iroh managed to piece together the majority of what went down. A lot of it was still unclear and he knew he’d have to speak with his nephew to fully understand, but each of the major events was chronicled in his letters. Starting from when he started to feel lonely, to the first time he’d felt the urge to hurt himself, to when he’d actually gone through and done it. It was an accident the first time, Iroh learned. Apparently, Zuko was struggling badly with the anxiety he’d claimed to have overcome and burned himself for the first time whilst servants were touching his hair and face in a way that made him highly uncomfortable. Iroh was saddened to learn that Zuko bent to the wishes of others after years of Iroh trying to teach him that his comfort came above what he felt he was obligated to do, but he understood why he didn’t stop it and didn’t judge him one bit. Instead, he just moved on through the letters, smiling at the good parts and taking a few breaks to sit with his nephew when he got to the worst.</p><p>Though he wasn’t mentioned in the letters a lot, Iroh got the feeling that Sokka was very special to Zuko in a way he hadn’t detailed. There were little gaps in information missing which would explain the reason why he gushed about the Water Tribe boy in a way he’d never spoken of someone before. There was nothing specific about them in there, not confirming nor denying anything that Iroh believed to be true, but he was okay with that. He knew that Zuko would tell him on his own time and he wouldn’t have it any other way. If he wasn’t ready in his letters, then he wasn’t ready for Iroh to know and that was all right. He knew it must’ve been a difficult thing for Zuko to come to terms with and wasn’t going to pressure him to talk about anything until he was comfortable with it. So, with a small smile on his lips following another babble about Sokka, Iroh flipped to the last letter in the stack, and his heart dropped from the very first line. Immediately, he reached a hand to his nephew, pressing a hand to his forehead just to reassure himself that he was still there. He waited several seconds before turning back to the letter, his expression turning to one of sadness as he read over the scribbled words.</p>
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    <em>Uncle,</em>
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    <em>I think I’m writing my suicide note.</em>
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    <em>Before I say anything else, I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to die. I don’t think I would mind if I did, but I’m not trying to make it happen and I don’t want you to think that’s what caused it if this turns out the way I fear it will. Last week, I went to see my father in prison. He preyed on my insecurities and weaknesses the way he always did but I got the answers I needed from him. I told him to go fuck himself like I always wanted. I thought I was okay, but then I had a panic attack. I burned my arms really badly. I didn’t mean to. I don’t know why I did it.</em>
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    <em>After it happened, I thought I was doing better, but I’m not. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I haven’t slept more than a couple hours or eaten a thing since after I saw Father. I know it’s wrong, but I’ve been so productive since it happened. I feel like a better Fire Lord than ever. But I can’t get rid of the sadness. I feel sick too, and I have since the evening Sokka left. I know it’s my fault, but I don’t know how long I can last for. I don’t even know what day it is anymore. I’m tired and I know I should sleep but I know if I do, I’ll have nightmares, and I just want it to stop. I don’t think I can do this anymore.</em>
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    <em>Since I can’t bring myself to go to therapy, I’m taking matters into my own hands. I’ve realized that burning my arms stops the bad thoughts. If something does happen to me and you find the wounds, it’s my fault. It’s not a conspiracy or some kind of scheme. I just hate myself and every time I have a thought that paints me as the victim, I sting my arm to make it go away. I know that sounds bad and I’m sorry I’m all over the place, but I still feel really sick. I can’t even walk without using the wall to support me anymore.</em>
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    <em>I’m not trying to end anything, but in all honesty, I don’t think I would mind if I dropped dead right now. I’m sorry, Uncle. For everything. I’m sorry I stopped sending you letters. It stopped feeling like I was writing things you would want to hear, and I didn’t want to mess up the life you’d made in Ba Sing Se. I’m sorry I’m not taking care of myself. I feel like I don’t even know how to do that anymore. I’m sorry I lied to you about being okay. You didn’t deserve that. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better.</em>
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    <em>Love always,</em>
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    <em>Zuko</em>
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</blockquote><p>He closed his eyes tightly as he folded the letter back up, carefully placing it on the top of the pile before he turned back to look at Zuko, who still hadn’t moved a bit. Iroh slid a hand on top of his head, gently stroking his hair just to remind himself that he was still there. He was still breathing. He’d been out of it for days, but he was still alive, and Iroh refused to lose him. He didn’t know what he was going to do but he didn’t want to leave Zuko’s side and determined that sitting with him for a while longer wouldn’t do anyone any harm. So, he sat there in silence, closing his own eyes to rest them for a bit as he sat beside his unconscious nephew, wishing that he would wake up so he could give him the biggest hug in the world. But there was no telling when that might happen and so he stuck to a gentle touch to Zuko’s cheek or shoulder whenever his mind drifted too far, and he felt the need to remind himself that his nephew was okay.</p><p>After a long while of sitting there, just him and Zuko, the door suddenly opened and in walked a familiar face which Iroh hadn’t seen in ages. He smiled to the physician, who looked surprised to see him. “Oh, General Iroh,” she said, her eyes widening slightly. “I was wondering when you would show up.”</p><p>“Just Iroh, thank you.” He placed a hand on Zuko’s head, stroking the dark, shiny hair that draped over his shoulder. “I am retired now, and I have no plans to return to my old ways. It’s always a pleasure to see you, Shin. I came as soon as I heard what happened. How has he been since he was brought in here?”</p><p>“Not great, I’m afraid.” Shin walked around to the other side of the bed, placing a bag on the edge of it beside her. “I’ve been doing routine checks two or three times a day and we’ve had a few specialists come in to check on different things, but his vitals aren’t where they should be and there hasn’t been much change. His fever finally broke and his breathing’s started to regulate, but his heart is weakened from letting that lightning pass through it and on top of the malnourishment and sleep-deprivation, he just pushed it way too far with all the coffee he was drinking to stay awake. Between that and the not eating, his blood pressure’s been through the roof as well. I’ve been able to keep him stable, but right now there’s just no telling when or even if he’s going to wake up.”</p><p>If. <em>If </em>he woke up. Iroh’s heart pounded in his chest and he looked back to Zuko again, his hand never leaving the boy’s hair. He was going to wake up. He <em>had </em>to wake up. It wasn’t the first time Zuko had a severe panic attack. It wasn’t the first time he starved himself or deprived himself of sleep. It wasn’t even the first time he’d gone into a coma, though the first only lasted as long as Iroh’s journey to the Fire Nation. His heart wasn’t weakened that time either, neither from the Agni Kai nor the fact that he’d been pushing his body too far. Iroh slid his fingers down Zuko’s cheek, taking a deep breath before he looked back up to Shin.</p><p>“Thank you for watching over him through these times,” he said, knowing there was no point in sharing his worries with someone who was already doing her best. “You’ve always been very skilled at your profession.”</p><p>She smiled to him. “Thank you. I’m just sorry I couldn’t get through to him sooner. Everyone knew he was slipping, and I know his friends were trying awfully hard, but he was already too far gone by the time they got here. They kept him steady for a while but there was no digging him out of the mindset he was already in. He needs real, professional help and he’s going to get it this time. I tried giving him space to figure it out on his own and I shouldn’t have. He doesn’t have a choice anymore. Last I heard, the council was discussing removing him from the throne and Princess Azula was the only thing standing in the way of that happening. I’m not sure what’s happening now, though. I only heard so much when his friends were explaining the circumstances around his breakdown.”</p><p>“So, he truly suffered a mental breakdown?” asked Iroh hesitantly, as Shin leaned forward to check on Zuko’s vitals. He almost wanted to stop her when she reached out for Zuko’s wrapped wrist. He looked too fragile to touch in that state. “I haven’t heard the details of that yet.”</p><p>“Yes, he was already suffering from regular panic attacks but the event which preceded this specifically is what we would consider a complete mental breakdown. Not just what happened immediately before he passed out but in the days which led up to it as well. He didn’t spend much time around his friends so it took a while to piece together the exact situation, though the one thing we’re sure about is that he did not eat or sleep at all for at least four days leading up to the morning he went into his coma, and had essentially lost the ability to function, which is why I would consider it a mental or emotional breakdown rather than just a severe panic attack. That event was just the climax to something which was already tearing him apart inside.”</p><p>“I understand. Thank you for telling me. I won’t interrupt your work any longer.”</p><p>He didn’t move an inch despite his words, only quieting to watch while Shin checked on Zuko’s vitals. It was exactly what she said. High blood pressure, shallow breaths, and a slow, weak heartbeat. Iroh didn’t ask another question, Shin quietly supplying him with everything he needed to know. He didn’t participate more than nodding in response, only holding Zuko’s hand lightly. When he first began to fear that something was happening with his nephew, Iroh never expected it to be so horrible. He thought that Zuko’s anxiety may have made a return, or perhaps a bit of depression setting in (it wouldn’t be the first time), but he never guessed it would go so far. He never guessed that Zuko would fall into such a terrifying cycle of broken mental health that he tore himself down into an actual mental breakdown. That he starved, exhausted, and stressed himself into a <em>coma</em>.</p><p>The worst part about the situation was that Iroh wasn’t there for him. That he hadn’t come to the Fire Nation immediately after he began to worry. He should have known better than to ignore the warning signs given his nephew’s history, but he wanted so badly to believe that he was just busy, that he was living his best life as the leader he’d dreamed of becoming. But he wasn’t doing that at all. He was working hard to be that person but for some reason, he couldn’t believe that he was doing a good job and it crushed his mental health to a point he couldn’t come back from. He dug himself into a cycle of depression and Iroh had a feeling he could guess exactly how it happened because he’d been there the first time Zuko tried to recover from his traumas and the second time too. Iroh didn’t know what was going to happen when his nephew finally woke up, but he was determined to be there for him this time too, regardless of how long he would have to leave the Jasmine Dragon behind. Zuko meant everything to him and if he needed him—<em>when </em>he needed him—Iroh would be there, no matter what.</p><p>Iroh smiled to Shin when she finished her tasks and rose to leave the room. She gave him a scroll with some of her notes so he could see it for himself, under the agreement that she’d take it back the last time she came to check on him that day. Iroh began to read it, easily skimming the section about the things they’d already discussed but found himself too pained to immediately read on when he reached the notes about his eventual therapy. The notes that said he was likely suffering from severe generalized anxiety and definitely struggling with depression so deep he was stuck in a pattern of suicidal thoughts, as well as an eating disorder that was physically destroying him. Iroh slid closer to his nephew, gently gripping his hand as he took a deep breath.</p><p>“I am so sorry, my nephew,” he whispered. “I am never going to leave you again.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t so much as move a finger, but it didn’t matter. Iroh sighed softly as he watched his nephew’s chest rise and fall silently, only thankful that he was still there. That even though he’d been struggling, and things went too far, and he was too afraid to ask for help, he was still there. That after everything he’d been through in his life, everything that hurt him over the last nineteen years, he was still there.</p><p>He was still there, still breathing, and Iroh would <em>never</em> let him go.</p>
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<a name="section0057"><h2>57. Chapter Fifty-One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The second he found out what happened, Sokka insisted on returning to the Fire Nation. Thankfully, no one tried to argue with him. Katara was worried about their friend too, and so they went. And when they arrived a few days later, they waited.</p><p>Two days passed before the denial broke and everyone started to really worry. Zuko needed sleep and they knew that so the fact that his body needed more than twenty-four hours of it honestly wasn’t that shocking. Sokka wasn’t even convinced it was really a coma when he first read the letter. Four days passed before they realized nothing was changing. Zuko wasn’t getting worse but he wasn’t waking up and nobody could say whether he would be okay. Seven days passed before Sokka made it to the Fire Nation, got caught up on what happened during that week, and barely convinced himself to put down the blade. Nine days passed before everyone ran out of things to say. Zuko never moved an inch despite how much waiting they did, and no one knew what to do anymore. Twelve days passed before Sokka remembered that he needed to take care of himself too. He was exhausted as shit and didn’t realize how badly he needed a nap until Toph and Aang practically pinned him down to the couch, forcing him into a nap.</p><p>Hakoda checked in on him a lot too. He checked in on all the kids—because of <em>course </em>the entire gang came when they found out what happened to Zuko—but he specifically pulled Sokka aside after every group conversation they had, asking whether he was okay or if he needed to talk about anything. Sokka denied it. He was back on enough painkillers to ignore his leg and therefore his flashbacks, and he was living in such a state of constant anxiety over whether Zuko would be okay that he stopped caring about the possibility that he could have an attack. His friends all knew something was wrong, however—most of them knowing it was because he made out with Zuko several times and liked him very much, though Katara didn’t know and to Sokka’s knowledge, Aang didn’t <em>formally </em>know, though he was acting like he was completely aware of it which made Sokka wonder what Zuko said to him—and it took a lot of convincing to get them to believe he was okay. At least, he thought he did, but then Toph demanded he go shopping with her and he realized they were still trying really hard to get him to smile (because he hadn’t smiled more than a few times since it happened, though part of that was pure exhaustion).</p><p>Though a few others offered to go with them to the shops, Toph and Sokka ended up splitting off from them anyway as they naturally slid into pairs—the others being Aang with Katara and Suki with Ty Lee—which seemed to be less and less natural as time went on because Toph was trying really damn hard to get him to laugh and he was <em>convinced </em>the reason they’d ended up on their own regardless of the others tagging along was because it was part of her scheme. The only problem being that he couldn’t identify what that scheme was and Toph was such a damn good liar that no amount of questioning would dig it out of her. So, he was forced to just go along with it, buying them too many snacks and looking around at too much junk for his own good. He asked a few times to make sure Toph was having a good time since he knew shopping wasn’t really her thing, but she always just nodded along. Sokka smiled a little to himself after each time because he knew she was doing it for his benefit. Because she wanted him to feel better.</p><p>“So,” Toph started, as they strode down a street with a significant amount of tchotchke stands, “I was thinking we should get some things for Zuko. You know, so he knows we were thinking about him while he was in his coma. Maybe some stuff to say, ‘get well soon’, or ‘we’re here for you’, or ‘I’m in love with you’—”</p><p>“<em>What</em>?!” He whipped around to look at her, his eyes wide as he realized just how loud he was considering they were standing in a crowd of people. Sokka glanced over his shoulder, checking to make sure no one was staring at them, then lowered his voice. “Why would we get him something that says <em>that</em>?”</p><p>“Well, I thought about getting him something that said you want to bone him, but I thought that might be a bit much. Come <em>on</em>, Sokka. I know how you feel about him. You don’t have to lie to me. There’s no one else here. It’s just us. You can tell me about it. And if not, then I’m going to talk more about you wanting to bone Zuko and I <em>know </em>you don’t want to have that conversation. Or I could give you a nickname like him. Not twink two because that might get confusing, but—”</p><p>“Toph, I’m not in love with him. We’re just really good friends.”</p><p>“Who make out sometimes and like to sleep in each other’s beds.” Toph nodded sarcastically, moving past him to keep walking through the market as she threw her hands up dramatically. “Yup. Got it. That makes <em>total</em> sense. Just a couple of heterosexual guys doing heterosexual things. Except it’s not because neither of you are heterosexual so that makes no sense because you’re bi and he’s… gay? Right? Yeah. Thought so. So, two dudes who are into dudes, making out, but it means nothing. You’re just good friends who accidentally fell on each other’s lips and started spooning in your sleep. Okay. Got it. Yeah. Totally understandable.”</p><p>Sokka opened his mouth to respond but ended up saying nothing. He didn’t know how to argue it when he didn’t know whether she was right. It definitely didn’t mean nothing, at least not to him, he just didn’t know what it <em>did </em>mean. Everything had been such a clusterfuck since he arrived in the Fire Nation in the first place and then with Zuko’s coma that he barely had time to sort out his feelings. He knew that he liked Zuko, he absolutely did and there was no way he could be oblivious to that after everything that happened, he just didn’t know how deep it went. He didn’t know if he really <em>loved </em>him like Toph said or if she was just being dramatic because it was fun to tease him. Either way, Sokka would’ve liked to get an answer, even if he couldn’t do it until Zuko woke up and they were able to start moving past everything that happened.</p><p>Thankfully, Toph seemed to understand that Sokka wasn’t quite ready to talk about that and moved on to more stands. Sokka looked around as they walked but he wasn’t too aware of what was around, too lost in his own thoughts to be concerned with what they were looking at. So, they just kept walking through the stands until they came to an abrupt stop at one that Sokka was too zoned out to acknowledge, though Toph dragged him over to it enthusiastically. He was surprised, considering she hadn’t been the least bit interested in the actual shopping part of the trip thus far but didn’t argue, knowing that Toph was stronger than him and would most definitely take him anywhere she wanted to, regardless of what he wanted. Which was how he ended up standing outside what must’ve been the most colorful stand on the entire street, his eyes wide as he tried to take in the sight. He stared at the numerous multicolored items, all his worries suddenly drifting away as his love for shopping took over from his anxiety.</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re looking at,” said Toph, beaming at him as she jabbed a thumb in the direction of the shop’s owner, “but this guy says he’s selling stuff to celebrate gay pride since the Fire Lord legalized it and I think you should buy something. Lots of somethings. Get something for all of us. Are those beads?” She waved a hand up to one of the hanging racks nearby, nodding approvingly as she did so. “Okay, I want a gay one, a bi one, and an ace one. What else do you have? No, I’m blind but I want to buy your shit so tell me what I’m feeling up here.”</p><p>Slightly stunned by Toph’s sudden enthusiasm, Sokka stood by as she spoke to the shopkeeper, watching as he bagged up everything she demanded and occasionally stepping in to help her figure out what was on display. By the time they walked away, Toph was carrying an entire armful of things—which she promptly demanded Sokka carry for her—and sporting the ace necklace she’d bought, draping the bisexual one around Sokka’s neck. He felt a little awkward walking around with it, but Toph held onto his hand for a minute and his heartbeat slowed back to normal. She was proudly wearing hers too, and that made him feel more supported. Maybe he still wasn’t totally comfortable with the whole thing, but he was glad that he wasn’t alone anymore.</p><p>They continued their stride through the market, rejoining Suki and Ty Lee somewhere along the way. The four of them wandered off to a snack stand together and bought way too much candy again but Sokka didn’t mind. The sugar was nice, and their laughter was fun and relaxing, and even when they split apart again because they’d been walking in opposite directions down the street, he was happy. Toph was being so great and supportive about everything—even if her boning jokes <em>were </em>getting incredibly old—and he was just grateful to have his friends there for him. His entire life he’d been so scared of coming out but once he finally did it, it was okay. Katara still didn’t know (though he was increasingly confident that Aang did, likely through Zuko), but even that didn’t seem so terrifying anymore. She’d supported him through his entire life and with Toph’s excitement, everything seemed less terrifying.</p><p>After a while, Sokka finally allowed himself to slip back into shopping the way he liked to do it. He was overly enthusiastic about some things and easily bored by others, and his conversations with Toph got increasingly fun as they stopped talking about serious things and anxiety-ridden things and moved onto stuff that was fun. As he found out after a while, Toph wasn’t too keen on shopping for herself—she could not care less what she looked like and given that she couldn’t see most of the trinkets for sale, rarely took an interest in anything—but she <em>loved </em>finding things for her friends. Every time Sokka latched onto something she insisted they buy it, especially since he still had so much money from Zuko and his uncle. She also made him buy several things he pointed out that their other friends would like, such as a bracelet for Katara and an intricate fan for Suki, but she didn’t truly point to anything else by herself until they reached a few stands that Sokka hadn’t really taken an interest in. It was mostly random junk and a quick glance told him it wasn’t <em>his </em>kind of random junk, until Toph stopped dead in the street.</p><p>“Wait, what’s that?” She pointed at a stand to their right, and Sokka frowned as he followed her finger. “Sokka, what is it? Is it what I think it is?”</p><p>“It’s… a toy stand? With a lot of stuffed animals?” Sokka wasn’t sure if that’s what she thought it was, but Toph beamed after he said it and he realized that apparently it was. He groaned and followed her, pushing through pedestrians to get to where she’d gone. “Toph, what are you—?”</p><p>“Hi, I’m blind, so this isn’t a stupid question,” Toph started, smiling at the shopkeeper. “Do you have any turtle ducks? Like a stuffed animal one?”</p><p>“Okay, seriously, Toph. What—?”</p><p>“Holy shit, it’s so soft.” She squeezed the stuffed turtle duck tightly when the woman handed it over the counter to her, her smile widening even more as she again pointed a finger, this time at Sokka. “Hey, Snoozles, give her money. Now. We need this turtle duck. And actually, do you have any badgermoles? Yes, thank you! Give her money for this one too.”</p><p>“Uh, okay.” Uncertain as to why <em>Toph </em>of all people wanted multiple stuffed animals but not wanting to argue, Sokka counted out the coins after the woman gave him a price and tossed them onto the stand, thanking her as they turned away. Though she’d made him carry everything else so far, Toph didn’t hand over the stuffed animals, clearly not giving a shit that she was a fifteen-year-old girl wandering around with two of them in the middle of a crowded market. Sokka didn’t either. He liked how confident and comfortable she was with herself. “So, are you going to tell me why you needed the stuffed animals, or…?”</p><p>“Yup. I wanted to get a turtle duck for Zuko, but it was too soft, so I had to get one for me too. Don’t tell anyone, but pillows and stuff are kind of my thing. It’s weird, I know, because I can’t see anything in a pile of them, but I grew up in a rich house with like two dozen pillows and I love them. So, yeah. I needed a fluffy badgermole to add to the pile and I don’t care if you think it’s weird because I love her.”</p><p>Sokka didn’t think it was weird. He just smiled as they continued down the street, not stopping again until they ran into Aang and Katara drinking juice outside of a small restaurant. Immediately, Sokka tucked his necklace under his shirt, not quite ready to say anything if Katara understood what the colors meant. He recognized immediately that her expression was somewhat annoyed, but it seemed joking and for some reason got worse when she saw Toph and Sokka coming towards her. He realized what the look was for after he noticed that out of the four seats at the table they were sitting at, two of them were taken up by stuffed animals very similar to the ones that Toph was holding. Excited, Toph ran right over to Aang, asking him to tell her which ones he had, and he proudly showed off his otter penguin and what he deemed to be a ‘mini Appa’ (apparently it was labeled as just a sky bison, but it was pretty obvious who it was modeled after).</p><p>With the stuffed animals out of the other seats, Sokka slid into one of them and Toph on the other as they ordered their own drinks, while Aang and Toph swapped around their new toys. Katara made a goofy face at Sokka, but he only shrugged. He liked that they were both comfortable enough with themselves to be fine buying those. Toph was quick to specify that the turtle duck was for Zuko and so they had to be careful with it because she wanted it in good condition when he was back, but they wasted no time messing around with the others; ‘Mini Appa’ and ‘Pebbles’ getting into a fight over which one of them invented and/or discovered the superior bending style.</p><p>Katara rolled her eyes at first but eventually laughed along and joined in with the otter penguin, ‘Yue’ (Katara didn’t have any ideas, okay? He was just helping her out.), representing the moon and waterbending. Of course, at that point, Sokka had no choice but to take the unnamed turtle duck and argue for nonbending—Toph declared they weren’t allowed to name it because that was for Zuko to do later—and so by the time their drinks were brought out to the table, they were in a fully-fledged stuffed animal war and even though he felt like he should have, Sokka didn’t give one damn what the confused waitress thought of them.</p><p>He smiled more that afternoon than he had in a month.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When they got back from their day trip, Sokka and Toph went straight over to Zuko’s room. Sokka just because he wanted to see him, and Toph because she wanted to set up all the stuff they’d bought so that he’d have something nice to wake up to whenever he decided to come out of his coma. Of course, Sokka was forced to help with this and ended up sitting on the floor with her beside Zuko’s bed as they went through the things they’d bought. They already handed off most of their gifts to their friends—though they still had a couple items for Mai and Azula, who they hadn’t yet seen that day—so the rest of the things in their bags were just random items they’d picked up for Zuko along the way. And the stuffed turtle duck, of course, which Toph declared the centerpiece of their display. She dressed it up with some of the other things they’d gotten, including the rainbow necklace she demanded they buy, and a tiny rainbow flag which she slid under the edge of its shell.</p><p>Sokka set up the turtle duck, completely decked out in pride gear and goofy sunglasses (made for a little kid, so they fit great), right on Zuko’s bedside table and they decided to work around that. Behind it to the right, they set up the potted plant they’d bought for him—Toph noted that it was ‘pretty gay’ that Sokka knew what Zuko’s favorite flower was but it was just obvious that it was the white lotus, okay—and they piled miscellaneous snacks, trinkets (mostly theater-inspired), and little cards around that. Sokka honestly wasn’t sure what Zuko would think of it when he woke up to an enormous display of gifts, but he hoped it was okay. He knew that Zuko wouldn’t be upset at them for anything but there was a chance it might be overwhelming, especially the rainbow stuff that Toph picked out, and he just hoped it would go over well. Especially since Zuko would certainly have some shit to wake up to when he did. He didn’t know it yet, but Shin had pretty much already confirmed that he’d be on forced bed rest after he woke up because he was severely underweight and mentally ill and he needed to relearn how to take care of himself and get himself back into proper health before he even considered going back to work. Not to mention the potential side effects of being out for so long.</p><p>By the time they finished setting up the stuff they’d bought, Zuko’s bedside table was completely covered in everything from candles to fire gummies and honestly, Sokka was pretty happy with the way it looked. He still didn’t know how Zuko was going to take it, but he hoped that he would appreciate that they tried, if nothing else. Plus, he’d done something that he knew would make Zuko at least somewhat happier because he spent the day with his friends laughing and smiling and he hadn’t been able to get himself to do that in months. Sokka was proud that he was able to do that, to be smiley and happy again, and he wanted it to stick around. He <em>wanted </em>to get better. And he was already doing that, so maybe he didn’t need therapy after all. Maybe all he’d needed the whole time was his friends. He turned around when Toph tapped him on the shoulder, his brow raising as he waited to see what she wanted.</p><p>“Hey, are you all right?” she asked, her tone slightly hesitant. His face fell, and suddenly he wondered if he <em>wasn’t </em>and somehow he’d missed that. “I mean, you had a good day, right? Because to be completely honest, I only suggested the whole thing because I was getting really worried about you. You hadn’t smiled since you got back.”</p><p>For a moment, Sokka wasn’t sure what to say. Yes, it was true that he hadn’t smiled in days, but it was also true that he was feeling so much better after getting out with them for a while. So, instead of saying anything at first, he just pulled Toph into a hug, which she returned after just a few seconds. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks, Toph. You’ve really been here for me—for both of us—this whole time and I don’t know how I can thank you for that.”</p><p>“You don’t know how to thank me? You already bought me Pebbles! That’s thanks enough. And really… your stupid jokes when we were playing with the toys earlier were pretty great too. I didn’t realize how much I missed those until you started making them again. It was really nice to see you happy.”</p><p>“Hey, I have a thousand bad jokes stored up here for rainy days,” said Sokka, knocking on the side of his head. “If you ever want to hear one, just let me know. I’m more than happy to throw a thousand terrible puns your way.”</p><p>Of course, Toph was <em>not </em>actually too keen to hear a thousand terrible puns and they ended up splitting off their own ways; Toph heading off to see if she could track down Azula and Mai to give them their gifts, and Sokka staying behind to clean up the mess of tags and bags they’d left on the floor. Once it was all safely in the garbage can beside Zuko’s desk, he turned around to leave, but stopped when his eyes landed on Zuko’s unconscious figure. He was still lying in that same spot on the bed, his position only changing whenever Shin came in to check on him, and his hair was still pulled into the same loose ponytail it’d hung in since he arrived. Instead of leaving the room right away, Sokka walked right over to the bed and slid beside Zuko on top of the blankets, hesitating before he reached out to fix his hair.</p><p>It was entirely unnecessary. Zuko wasn’t even conscious to know or care what happened to his hair, but braiding it made Sokka feel better. It reminded him of how they were before everything went to shit. Before he made the terrible decision to leave the Fire Nation when he knew Zuko wasn’t ready to be by himself. Everyone told him that it wasn’t his fault. The second he read the letter, Hakoda assured him it wasn’t his fault. Katara agreed, begging him not to blame himself, but how could he not? How could he act like he had nothing to do with it? He put himself first and Zuko crashed because of it. That was the fact. That was what happened, whether he wanted to think about it or not. If Sokka had stayed, he could’ve helped, but he didn’t. He left and now Zuko was in a coma.</p><p>Sokka sniffed, laying the braid across Zuko’s shoulder before pushing the tears out of his eyes. He didn’t deserve to cry. Not when it was his fault. He slid a hand forward, reaching out to grip Zuko’s. His grip was light, and Zuko’s fingers didn’t hold back. They were still burned. Not as badly as they had been when Sokka arrived, but still enough that he feared holding Zuko any tighter. Logically, they should’ve healed at that point, but Zuko’s body wasn’t strong enough to recover as quickly as it was supposed to. Sokka learned soon after returning that nearly all his vitals were off. His fever broke two or three days before Sokka got there, but otherwise, everything was wrong. His heart was weak, according to Shin, and coupled with the abuse he’d put the rest of his body through, recovery would be a slow process. But he would recover. Sokka knew it. He <em>refused </em>to listen to the idea that Zuko might never open his eyes again.</p><p>“Hi.” There was no guarantee Zuko could actually hear him, but Shin said it was possible. It might feel like a dream when he woke up, and he might not remember all of it, but it was enough for Sokka to want to try. To want to sit down and talk to him on the rare occasion he was allowed in the room. “Sorry I haven’t been around all week. Shin said your blood pressure was— it was really high again, so she wouldn’t let us see you. She brought in another healer again. She said it helped, but I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like anything’s different.”</p><p>Though he knew he had mere minutes before he’d be kicked from the room again, Sokka shifted further into the mattress, adjusting his arm as he wrapped it around Zuko’s. He leaned his head into his shoulder, letting out a soft breath and brushing his cheek against the pillows when he felt the tear sliding down it. Sokka gave Zuko’s hand a little squeeze, turning it around and staring at the bandages. It was his fault. If he’d been there to hold his hand, Zuko wouldn’t have done that. If he’d been there to talk him down, he wouldn’t have gone as far as he did. He wouldn’t have fallen into a complete mental breakdown because Sokka would’ve been there and he would’ve stopped him from freaking out. He would’ve helped him. He didn’t know how, but he knew that he could’ve. He should’ve.</p><p>“Azula just took up the whole school system thing this morning,” Sokka went on, gently playing with Zuko’s fingers. He tried to ignore the slight shaking of his own. “She doesn’t like the way you’ve been doing everything, but she won’t change it either. She’s trying to keep your ideas in place. So is your uncle, but I’m sure he’s talked to you about all that interim Fire Lord stuff. He spends most of his time in here, except when he’s at your meetings. I think he was just going to get more tea when Toph and I came in but I’m sure he’ll be back soon. I’m sure you will too. I know Shin said you might not wake up but you’re stronger than that. I’ve seen you break metal chains with your foot, Zuko, I can’t— I can’t lose you to this. You’re going to pull through. I know it.”</p><p>His voice cracked on the last sentence and he turned into the pillows, squeezing Zuko’s hand just a little tighter as he leaned his forehead against his collar. Zuko’s bones were too prominent. Half his upper body was wrapped in bandages and the parts that weren’t stuck out in a way that was too unnatural. It didn’t make it any less comforting to be close to him. Sokka inhaled slowly, shifting a little again to brush off whatever water dared to make its way out of his eyes. He wasn’t the one who should’ve been crying. It wasn’t him who was hurt or unable to move. But then, Sokka realized that maybe that wasn’t the right way of thinking. Maybe it wasn’t the right time to blame himself, however true that was or however much he deserved it. Because as much as Sokka wanted to hate himself, he knew that wasn’t what Zuko wanted. He knew that punishing himself wouldn’t do anything to help.</p><p>Zuko was the one who constantly reassured Sokka that he was a good person, and he was trying hard, and his efforts were appreciated by everyone. He complimented him like crazy, generally unprompted, and even though Sokka was awkward as shit and often had a hard time accepting said compliments, he loved them more than anything and those were what pushed him to start feeling better about himself. The work that Zuko let him indulge in and pour his effort into helped him take his mind off things when he was at his worst. Zuko calling him pretty and kissing him and snuggling when one or both of them were sad didn’t do much for his self-esteem in the realm of productivity and usefulness, but it made him so fucking happy and he wanted more than anything to have those things back. He wanted more than anything to have <em>Zuko </em>back. And when he got him back, he determined, he was never going to let him go again.</p><p>“I went to therapy.” It took a lot to push away the feelings that said Zuko didn’t care. If there was one thing Sokka knew, it was that he did, even if it didn’t make any sense. “Only twice, not counting the first time because I— I basically just cried the whole time and we ended up stopping early. But I told her about my— my cutting. My therapist, I mean. I didn’t talk about it a lot but she told me that I’m still being self-destructive even without the knife, and I— I felt better and I was trying to fix it but then all this happened and we came back here and I cracked. I fucking— I’ve taken three times the painkillers I’m supposed to have today and I know it’s wrong but I just want it to stop hurting and I don’t know how to—”</p><p>Stop. He didn’t know how to stop himself. He saw an opportunity to take more painkillers and he jumped on it. In all the chaos with Zuko’s coma, people weren’t watching him as closely and he could get away with indulging in whatever self-destructive coping mechanisms he wanted. Somehow, the painkillers seemed like the least of his problems. They stopped his leg from hurting, they made him feel a little better, and he hadn’t noticed any serious symptoms from overdosing. Compared to holding the blade at night and dragging the dull end across his arm until he could convince himself to switch to a brush, overdosing felt like nothing. Taking away the pain was bliss compared to washing off the ink and remembering when it used to be blood.</p><p>“I really miss you,” Sokka whispered, finally ignoring the salty streams that flowed down his cheeks. He took a deep breath, sniffing as he looked to Zuko’s soft, callused fingers. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here, I— I never should’ve left. I mean, obviously I would’ve left eventually, but I shouldn’t have— not while you were still so— I’m so sorry, Zuko. I’m sorry that I left and that I didn’t realize how bad it was. You mean <em>everything </em>to me, and I don’t know when or how that happened, but it did, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose you, and I just… please wake up. Please. Just open your eyes. You don’t have to say anything. Just look at me. Just— Just let me see your eyes so I know it’ll be okay. Please. I don’t know how much longer I can do this without you.”</p><p>No amount of begging was enough. Zuko didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t even twitch. He just laid there the same way he had been since Sokka returned, entirely unconscious and moving only as his lungs rose and fell. Sokka choked back the sob in his throat, sniffing before he slid himself up again, not unwrapping their interlaced hands. He pressed a kiss to Zuko’s forehead, carefully lowering himself down until they touched. Zuko was warm, his skin still soft from his uncle’s daily care. Leaning their foreheads together and holding his fingers didn’t just feel familiar to Sokka, it felt like coming home. Like nothing mattered except for them in that moment. Nothing except him, Zuko, and the tears he’d accidentally shared between their cheeks.</p><p>“I have to go now,” he said, gently pulling away but keeping their hands close together. “Your uncle will be back any minute and I don’t want him to know about us until you’re awake and you can decide when you’re ready. I— I’ll come and see you again, okay? As soon as I can. I— I lo— I’m sorry. You know what I mean.”</p><p>He gave Zuko’s hand one more little squeeze before he left the room. Maybe he felt it. Maybe he didn’t. Either way, Sokka didn’t regret a single word he said.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0058"><h2>58. Chapter Fifty-Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everything was fuzzy when he opened his eyes.</p><p>At first, he wasn’t sure his right eye had opened at all and blinked an extra time to make sure, but he quickly realized that the entire world was just spinning and blurry regardless of how he looked at it. So, lightheaded as anything, Zuko closed his eyes again; groaning softly as he shifted his head to the side. Though he was aware he was awake, his brain was barely moving, and he found that he didn’t have a single thought in his mind aside from being cold and wanting to go back to sleep. He let out a quiet whimper when someone pressed a hand to his forehead, gently brushing away some of the hair that tickled his cheeks. His arms stung badly but he couldn’t remember why, and his eyes wouldn’t open for more than a few seconds, so he wasn’t able to see what was bothering him. He shifted his head to the other side of the pillow, squeezing his eyes shut tighter as he waited for the awful fatigue to pass. The light kept changing between attempts to open his eyes and he realized after a while that he must’ve been drifting in and out of sleep, but he didn’t try to fight it. He felt too sick.</p><p>Sometime after his umpteenth attempt to open his eyes, someone started poking around Zuko’s arms and back, and he pulled away when they tried to touch his face. He was too exhausted to really fight back, but thankfully whoever it was got the message and allowed him to lie back on the pillows. Almost instantly, he drifted off again and the next time he opened his eyes, he was a little more alert. It was darker outside again, around dinnertime most likely, and though Zuko was still tired and sick and squeezed his eyelids shut again almost immediately, this time he was able to register that he was not alone. There was no one touching his arms, back, or anywhere else, but someone was sitting on the bed beside him. He wasn’t sure who it was at first, and nearly went right back to sleep out of sheer exhaustion, but then he heard the soft snoring beside him and forced his eyes to open. Lying beside him was none other than his Uncle Iroh, fast asleep on the pillows right next to his nephew. Zuko bit down on his lip, his tiredness fueling his emotions. He wanted to say something, but no words would come out of his mouth and all he managed was a small squeak. It must have been enough, however, because Iroh suddenly stirred; his eyes going wide when he realized that Zuko was looking back at him.</p><p>Iroh said something to him but the words didn’t quite register in his mind and he found his eyes brimming with tears from both exhaustion and emotion. More than anything, Zuko wanted to reach out and get a hug from the person he loved most in the world but his attempts to move were futile and he ended up just twitching his hands and barely shifting his position. Thankfully, Iroh must’ve understood what he wanted because before he knew it, his uncle was holding him close and Zuko was snuggled up to his side beneath his arm; his head resting on Iroh’s shoulder the way he used to do when he was little. His uncle must’ve realized that he wasn’t really processing anything he said because he stopped trying to talk after a minute, just holding onto him tightly and squeezing his shoulder like he thought Zuko might disappear if he let go. Comforted by the touch, Zuko drifted off again, sinking into Iroh’s comforting grasp.</p><p>When he opened his eyes the next time, someone else was in the room with them. Zuko flinched away when the hand tried to touch his arm but Iroh reassured him, pulling him in closer as Shin checked on his pulse. She went through all his vitals slowly, stopping whenever he started to feel uncomfortable, though he never pointed it out when that happened. He was aware that he whimpered more than he wanted to, however, and wondered whether that was how they were gaging his level of discomfort. The words became easier to understand as they went on, and from the one that slipped through his ears, he was able to comprehend that his vitals were weaker than they could have been but nothing to be overly concerned about. Shin said something about him needing to take it slow and Zuko wanted to argue, but he honestly thought that might be a good idea. He was still having trouble processing his vision let alone the words around him, and he knew that trying to stand wouldn’t work well considering how fatigued he felt. So, instead of fighting it, he just let the physician finish her work and laid his head back down when she left.</p><p>“Are you all right, Fire Lord Zuko?” asked Iroh softly, looking down to Zuko’s pale face. He nodded but couldn’t get any words out. His throat ached. “Your friends and I were all very worried about you. You’ve been asleep for a long time. Just over three weeks, though you’ve been drifting in and out of it for several days now. But don’t worry, your sister and me have kept anything from going through. You are still the Fire Lord, my nephew, and the people miss you very much.”</p><p>Zuko wanted to say something but he didn’t know what and it wasn’t like he could get it out anyway. Given his initial try—which was to say nothing but “uncle” before Iroh woke up and turned into a horrible, breathy whimper—and how faint he felt, he wasn’t too keen to try again. Instead, he stayed quiet while Iroh started to recount stories from the tea shop. They were all fluff and irrelevant but Zuko understood that his uncle was trying to make him feel better and he appreciated it. He was too tired to think about how he’d become a burden the same way he was afraid of, and preferred filling his drowsy mind with the goofy stories that Iroh had for him.</p><p>Not once did he manage a smile and several times he nearly fell asleep again, but for the most part, he was able to stay awake and just lay there beside his uncle, zoning in and out as he continued to fill the air with stories that Zuko did his best to follow. After an indeterminate amount of time, he tried to sit up but failed on his own and Iroh had to help him lean back against the pillows. He offered Zuko a cup of tea too, but his hands were shaking and he found it hard to really move his arms, so Iroh ended up using a hand to help lift it to Zuko’s lips for a quick sip before he lowered it down into his lap, his half-asleep gaze staring down at still steaming drink.</p><p>“‘M thorry.” The words came out scratchy and hoarse, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He coughed several times before trying to speak again. “I mithed you.”</p><p>“I missed you too.” Iroh smiled slightly, wrapping an arm around Zuko as he pulled him back into his shoulder. It was weird, sitting with his uncle in a way he hadn’t done since he was thirteen years old, but it was comforting. Safe. He didn’t want to move anymore. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Fire Lord Zuko. No one is upset with you for what happened. We’re all just concerned for your wellbeing. Your friends even put together a little surprise for you.”</p><p>Still struggling to find the energy to move on his own, Zuko needed Iroh’s help to shift enough to really see what he was looking at on his nightstand, and the fact that he was basically blind on that side didn’t help. The first thing he managed to register wasn’t even on the table, but his shoulder. His hair was braided. A Water Tribe knot. <em>Sokka</em>. He came back. Zuko was too tired to feel guilty. He just wanted to see him again. He focused on the table first, eyes going wide when he saw the splash of color which was almost disorienting to look at. In the center of the table was a stuffed turtle duck that was dressed in some of the wildest rainbow jewelry he’d ever seen and a pair of ridiculous sunglasses which were definitely meant for a child. Spread around it were various candles and little trinkets from different plays and theaters, including a rather fancy poster for an old production of <em>Love Amongst the Dragons</em>.</p><p>There were several little bags of traditional Fire Nation snack food as well and though he didn’t feel the least bit hungry, he appreciated the gesture. In the back stood a fanciful vase with a blooming white lotus flower in it, with a spread of cards sitting on the table at its side. Zuko smiled a little at the sight, though he wasn’t able to look through it thanks to his overwhelming sense of fatigue. He did, however, manage to ask his uncle to hand him the stuffed animal; tossing—or rather, slowly placing—the accessories onto the smaller table on the other side of the bed before he wrapped his arms around the soft plush and settling back into Iroh’s arms.</p><p>He had no idea when he fell back asleep but he must’ve done so at some point because the next time he opened his eyes, the light was just barely starting to pour in through the windows and his Uncle Iroh was nowhere to be seen. Zuko groaned and flopped back over, squeezing the stuffed animal that he still held in his grasp. He’d planned to let himself drift off again, exhausted for reasons he couldn’t explain, but ended up not getting much of a chance before there was a knock on the door and in walked Shin, Iroh behind her with a fresh tray of tea.</p><p>He placed the tea down before walking over to the bed and helping Zuko to sit up. This time, he was able to keep his eyes open while Shin went through his vitals, though he occasionally closed them for just longer than he normally would. She asked him a few questions as she went along, mostly regarding whether it was okay for her to touch him, but he only nodded or shook his head when he needed a minute, unable to get out any words. Iroh stayed at his side the entire time, at one point explaining that his friends wanted to see him but they were waiting until he was feeling a little better so he wouldn’t be overwhelmed (which, for once, Zuko didn’t argue, since he was almost overwhelmed with just two people in there).</p><p>When she first started taking notes on how he was doing, it wasn’t too bad. She just went over his heartbeat, blood pressure, breathing, everything normal and found that it was a little off from what it should be but not to a point that it was overly concerning. But then she wanted to switch out his bandages and he practically buried his face in his Iroh’s arms to avoid having to look at what he’d done to himself. Though the burns had certainly begun to heal, it hurt badly when she pressed down on his arms no matter how lightly she tried to do it, and his eyes were stinging with tears by the time the last of the bandages were wrapped back around his shoulders. He didn’t remember going so high with the burns, but he realized when she was lathering him with some kind of ointment that his injuries went from the palms of his hands all the way around to the back of his shoulders and around the edge of his collarbone. He didn’t know what she applied before the bandages, but it was cold, and it felt weird, and by the time she was done, all he wanted was to be wrapped in the blanket in his uncle’s arms. The weirdest part was that they actually let that happen.</p><p>Shin was far from done with her work since she was no longer just checking on his vitals, but they put his comfort above all else for some reason and gave him a break before they continued. When he finally sat up and mumbled something about being cold, Iroh immediately dragged the blankets over Zuko’s shoulders and slid an arm around to hold him close. When Shin started to ask questions about how he was feeling, most of the questions ended up going right over to Iroh because Zuko still couldn’t get himself to talk and was so tired he didn’t want to move from where he lay. A few times Iroh didn’t have answer for the physician and Zuko was forced to respond but he never did more than nod. He felt like a baby, lying there with a stuffed turtle duck in his arms as he snuggled in his uncle’s embrace like he hadn’t done since before he was banished (and one time after while recovering from the Agni Kai), but given that no one else was in the room to judge him, he decided not to care. He was too tired to care. Instead, he just embraced the fact that he felt comfortable, staying quiet while they went on discussing his current state.</p><p>“…and you said he’s had something to drink?” Shin confirmed. She’d given up on asking Zuko and eventually directed the questions straight at Iroh, who was more than willing to answer to the best of his ability. “Has he eaten anything yet? Or was it just the water?”</p><p>“He had a cup of tea after waking up yesterday,” said Iroh, glancing down to Zuko, whose eyes were beginning to close again. “Otherwise he has been so tired that he hasn’t been able to have anything yet. I was hoping to try something today but I’m not confident he’ll be able to stay awake for much longer.”</p><p>“Well, he’s going to have to have something. We’ll start small today, maybe some rice or something after we finish up here. He’s lost a lot of weight over the last couple months which is why he’s tired and cold, but it’ll pass as he starts to recover. His arms should heal more quickly as he gets stronger too, they’re only being held back by malnutrition right now. Now, Zuko, dear, I need you to listen to me, all right? Your uncle and I have already spoken about this and we decided that the best thing to is keep you on bed rest for the next couple of weeks while you get your strength back.”</p><p>He froze. Already the council was trying to get him off the throne and they thought a viable solution was to take him out of commission for weeks longer? It wasn’t possible. Even if Azula had managed to stall for the last few weeks (somewhere around three to be exact, based on what he’d overheard), there was no way she would be able to keep it up for months and that meant that if he stayed in bed, he was going to lose everything. He nearly tried to stand up, but just the effort it took to move his arms away from his uncle was too much and he ended up flopping right back down; his arms burning as they rubbed against each other. Zuko swallowed hard, choking on his own breaths as he tried to remember how to talk after not doing it for far too long. Again, his stupid words sounded rough and hoarse when they left his mouth, but he got his point across and that was all that mattered.</p><p>“No.” Zuko clung to his uncle, shaking his head for only a second before the lightness took over and he had to stop. “I can’t thtay in bed. The people need me. I can’t— if I thtay in bed, they’re going to take my throne. They want to take my throne.”</p><p>“Nephew, you need to rest.” Somehow, Iroh’s tone was far different than anyone else who’d said those things to him before. They didn’t sound pitying or worried or like he wasn’t capable of figuring that out himself, just sad and filled with unconditional love. “I know you fear for your country, but your own health is important too. Everyone will still be waiting for you when you get better. The support for you is overwhelming. Your citizens and your council want you on the throne, but they also want what’s best for you because they know you cannot take care of them if you cannot take care of yourself too.”</p><p>“But I can’t thtay in bed. I can’t. I have to work. I have— the colonieth and the— the—”</p><p>“Your health is more important than that. I promise everything is still being taken care of, but you can’t continue the way you have been. Your sister and Mai are ensuring that your most important meetings are not postponed, and your friend Sokka has taken the matters of the colonies into his own hands until you’re well enough to return to the matter. Everyone is looking out for you and they need you to look out for yourself too. Please, Fire Lord Zuko. You need your rest.”</p><p>“Okay.” His voice cracked in an awful squeak, but he couldn’t care to correct it. “Do I have to— ith that it? Ith that all I have to do? Jutht retht? And then I can go back to work?”</p><p>“I’m afraid not.” Shin placed something back into her bag, sighing softly as she turned around to look at Zuko. He stared at her as he bit down on his lip, his fingers scratching the surface of the toy in his arms. It was stupid how much comfort it brought him to have something to squeeze. “After we get over the physical hill, we’re going to have to start working on your mental health or this is just going to happen again. We found a good therapist for you to talk to, and—”</p><p>“No, I don’t— no. I don’t want to thee a therapitht. I don’t like therapy. They’re mean.”</p><p>“All right, well, it has to happen. They’re not going to be mean to you, I promise. No one is going to be mean. Everyone understands that you’re in a hard place right now and we’re just trying to help. Your therapist will too, you just have to give her a chance, okay? I’m sure your uncle would be happy to stay with you for your first few sessions if you need it.”</p><p>“Mm.” Zuko looked up to his uncle, who nodded and gave him a reassuring squeeze. “I’m thorry you had to leave your tea thop for me. I didn’t want that to happen.”</p><p>“You don’t have to be sorry.” Iroh rubbed his shoulder gently, his gaze looking down to his nephew reassuringly. “I wanted to come. I was already on my way before anyone told me what happened. I will always be here for you, Fire Lord Zuko. You never have to feel like you are a burden on me.”</p><p>Zuko couldn’t bring himself to do anything but nuzzle deeper into his side, not saying another word for the rest of the time Shin was in there. He still nodded when they needed an answer from him, but for the most part, he got out of talking anymore and spent most of the time fading in and out of sleep while Iroh did the speaking for him. Eventually, he opened his eyes to find that Shin wasn’t even in there anymore, at which point he closed his eyes again to avoid the food that was inevitably on its way. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to eat, he just didn’t feel like he was hungry, and he was still fatigued and sick and didn’t want to move from where he was. Pathetic as the position he lay in was—tucked under his uncle’s arm with the stuffed turtle duck gripped tightly in his fingers—it was comfortable and until he got past his overwhelming sense of sadness and exhaustion, he didn’t want to move. Luckily, Iroh didn’t seem too keen to make him do that either and so he got the chance to stay there; drifting in and out of sleep as Iroh gave him space to rest.</p><p>He didn’t lift his head again until the door opened a while later, and the prettiest possible person came in holding his food. Sokka’s expression was flat and entirely unreadable but the look in his eyes was distinctly concerned. He smiled slightly but said nothing as Iroh helped Zuko to sit up again, telling him quietly that he was going to go make some more tea before he headed out of the room. Zuko didn’t comment on the fact that they hadn’t actually finished the tea from before, wanting a few minutes with Sokka to himself regardless of the circumstances.</p><p>Rather than forcing him to eat anything immediately, Sokka placed the tray of rice and other plain foods onto the foot of the bed before climbing into the front beside him. He said nothing for several long seconds, and Zuko realized then that he must’ve looked like absolute shit. For a moment, the thought that Sokka was going to leave, that he’d just come to bring the food and then he was done because Zuko was too much of a burden for him to deal with, but then arms pulled him into a warm embrace and Zuko had to struggle with his own burned ones to return the gesture, leaning his head on Sokka’s shoulder. It was more than comforting. It was safe. <em>Sokka </em>was safe. Zuko held him as tight as he could.</p><p>“I missed you much.” Sokka’s voice was quiet, his tone unreadable. “I mean, I was coming to see you every day for a while, but then they— they said you started to wake up like a week ago but Shin wouldn’t— she didn’t want us to see you. She said you weren’t strong enough.”</p><p>“Are you okay?” asked Zuko, holding tightly onto the back of Sokka’s shirt, suddenly aware that he wasn’t wearing one. He didn’t know why he felt like he needed to ask the question right away, but he did. “Did you go to therapy? Are you thtill doing it?”</p><p>“No, I— I talked to someone back at the tribe, but I haven’t done anything since. That’s not important right now. How do you feel? I mean, are you all right? Do you need anything, or…?”</p><p>“I’m fine. My head jutht hurth. Thank you for all the thtuff, you guyth didn’t have to do that.”</p><p>“It was Toph’s idea.” Sokka shrugged, though it was slightly stunted as he seemed to stop the gesture after remembering that Zuko’s head was on top of him. He was shaking a significant amount and Zuko found himself worried that something really <em>was</em> wrong, but he didn’t get the chance to ask about it. “I know you’re probably not ready to be dealing with a lot of food or anything, but we got some of your favorites for when you start feeling better. And some random stuff. Sorry if it’s a little much, Toph got <em>really </em>into the shopping for a bit and you know how I am with it, so we ended up going a little overboard, and—”</p><p>“It’th okay. I like it. But what’th with all the rainbow thtuff?”</p><p>He let out a soft chuckle. “Those are, uh, those are the colors for gay pride. Toph wanted to be supportive. You don’t have to wear any of it or anything. I know you’ve been kind of going back and forth on how you feel about it. We were just trying to cheer you up a bit. I hope it worked at least a little? It’s fine if it didn’t, like I said we went a bit overboard. The turtle duck was Toph’s idea too. Her and Aang actually bought four of those things, yours included.”</p><p>“I like all of it. Thank you.” Zuko twisted his hands a little, gripping Sokka’s back through his shirt. Sokka’s hands were cold around his bare skin but he didn’t say anything. It was too comforting a touch for him to want to refuse, even if he was already freezing and the hands were making it worse. “Did anything elthe happen? They thaid I wath athleep for three weekth.”</p><p>“Yeah, twenty-two days. Sort of. They said you’ve been in and out of it for over a week now, so I guess technically you were only out for a little under two weeks. Anyway, a lot has happened but there’s nothing you have to worry about. Mai, Azula, and your uncle have been taking care of everything so it’s all still on track. But enough of that stressful stuff. A few funny things happened too. We should start with those. The biggest thing is that Azula is taking over the school reform for the time being—don’t worry, she’s planning to talk to you about any big decisions—and Aang thought it would be a good idea to tell her about the dance-bending, and long story short, she didn’t like it. Ty Lee, on the other hand…”</p><p>Zuko lay back against the pillows around a minute after Sokka started talking, the other boy helping him lie down as he still massively lacked the energy to move by himself. He felt pathetic as he relaxed into the cushions, unable to sit up any longer, but Sokka didn’t judge him. He just nudged Zuko to have some food, telling him that it would help him get his strength back. It took a little prodding and a good ten minutes of conversation (which was almost all Sokka talking and Zuko just lying down and listening because he liked the stories but felt like absolute shit and couldn’t contribute), but eventually, Zuko gave in and had a few bites to eat. It was hard to force down the food and it made him feel even sicker at first, but thankfully, Sokka didn’t push him to go any faster and let him eat what he could at his own pace. When he tried to give up altogether, Sokka would give him a nudge, but otherwise he just kept going on about the funny things that happened while he was in his coma (he hated that term, it made it sound worse), occasionally sprinkling in the less pleasant details.</p><p>By the time Iroh came back with the tea, Zuko was nearly caught up on the recent events. The most important thing he learned was that his friends were all covering his ass so the council wouldn’t take him off the throne, and he was so relieved that he hadn’t lost his title, he couldn’t even stop to despise the fact that he was making them waste so much time on him. It was a little awkward when Iroh came back in and Zuko was pressed up against Sokka’s side, but he couldn’t care to hide it. It wasn’t like they were doing anything weird after all, Sokka was just taking care of him the way that Iroh did before. Zuko knew that he should tell his uncle the truth, that he was kind of, sort of, not really dating Sokka and he definitely liked him and was maybe probably gay, but he couldn’t. Iroh grew up in an environment just as homophobic as his (though significantly less hostile and abusive), and he was terrified that his uncle wouldn’t support him. Though, if he was even the <em>slightest </em>bit more culturally well-versed than Zuko was, he probably would’ve taken the hint from all the rainbow stuff that Toph got him; and that was assuming he didn’t already figure it out like half his other friends had before even <em>Zuko </em>started to understand and accept it.</p><p>Though they were far into a story when Iroh got back, Zuko still kind of expected Sokka to leave after he showed up and was really glad that he didn’t. He just kept going with his rambles, letting Iroh listen in as he poured them all some tea and they both gently nudged Zuko to keep doing his best to eat and drink as much as he needed. It was hard and at one point he cracked and told them that but before Sokka could even say a thing, Iroh let Zuko know that they were proud of him just for making an effort and that was the final push he needed to try a little harder. He still didn’t eat enough to count as a whole meal, but he tried and both Sokka and Iroh thanked him for that. Again, Zuko felt pathetic for being so weak that he needed to be thanked for doing basic things like eating and sleeping but they didn’t judge him for it one bit. Sokka even alluded to the fact that he’d been in a similar place once. He didn’t elaborate on it, however, leaving Zuko to want to ask more questions later. He figured that if it were something they would talk about at all, Sokka wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else around.</p><p>Aside from the less enjoyable parts of Sokka and Iroh’s stories, the only other thing that was truly bothering Zuko in the moment was the fact that Sokka kept glancing down to his torso. At first, he wasn’t sure why he was doing it, and then he sneaked a look at it for himself and realized that he was basically the definition of skin and bones. If the scars weren’t a deal breaker (not just his large ones, but he had no clue what his arms would look like coming out of the bandages), that was definitely going to be. It was a disgusting sight, and he knew it, especially as he recognized how much his ribs were sticking out where they shouldn’t be. Suddenly, he started to understand why everyone was so concerned about getting him to eat. He’d never really paid attention to it before, but he really was wasting away. He was killing himself, exactly like Mai said, and he didn’t even know it. Well, he did <em>kind of </em>know it, as he vaguely remembered thinking about death at some point before he dropped unconscious, but he couldn’t recall what he thought about. He didn’t think he was going to do anything. Not intentionally.</p><p>When he asked about his other friends, Sokka assured Zuko that they all really wanted to see him but technically no one but Iroh was supposed to be in his room (just like they’d discussed earlier), and the only reason Sokka was able to get in was because he stole Zuko’s dinner from a servant. That made him smile for the first time since he woke up, though his chuckle turned into a brutal cough. He had one lingering thought as he stared at Sokka after that and part of him really wanted to say something, though the part that was scared of talking to his uncle was stronger and so he held back. After all, he’d already told Sokka he was pretty enough times to last a year, so he could wait a little longer to say it again if it meant he wouldn’t have to confront such a massive fear in an awful state like that. But, just to be sure Sokka knew he still wanted to be unofficially together, he squeezed his hand before he slid off to let Zuko sleep. He wasn’t really sure how Sokka was going to react, but he just smiled and flicked Zuko’s braid, waving to Iroh before he left the room.</p><p>Zuko didn’t think it was possible for him to like anyone more.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0059"><h2>59. Chapter Fifty-Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Objectively, things started getting better after Zuko finally became alert enough to see people again, but for some reason, Sokka kept feeling worse. He still wasn’t going to therapy or anything, but doubted that could be the problem since he was already in a shit place for the last few months and it didn’t make sense that he would somehow get <em>worse </em>when up to that point he’d felt pretty consistent. Yes, he was <em>technically </em>getting worse considering his apparent anxiety problems had increased to the point where he’d actually begged for help and went to see someone back home, but that was just a weak point and he was back to where he’d been before. Did he feel happy? No. Was he a little closer on the scale to depressed? Possibly. Did he know why the fuck that was because his friends were spending time with him and joking with him and he was doing all kinds of things to keep himself busy and he was proud of that work? No. He had no idea why he wasn’t happy and that awful, hollow feeling made him feel worse than anything else.</p><p>It wasn’t just after Zuko woke up that he got worse but the whole time leading up to it. The week after they got the news, he was so busy that he couldn’t stop to think about what was happening with everything because the council wanted Zuko off the throne (actually, they didn’t, but they felt like it was what they had to do for the nation), the people wanted to know where their Fire Lord was (they didn’t get an answer), and the Earth Kingdom wanted someone to tell them what the fuck was going on (Sokka took over the operation for the time being, providing no explanation for Zuko’s absence). Everyone agreed up front that they weren’t going to make any big decisions without Zuko’s input unless they had no choice, but otherwise, Zuko’s friends had his back and Sokka basically enacted Operation Keep Zuko on the Throne. As such, he was so busy planning this and working on that, that he didn’t even have time to think about how he was feeling until he went to see Zuko after they went shopping and realized that the reason he wasn’t smiling was because of so utterly powerless he felt.</p><p>His entire life, Sokka was the one who protected the people he loved. He wanted to be the big man, the one who looked after everyone else and made sure no harm came to them. But suddenly, the roles were reversed, and everyone was looking after him while he failed the job he had to help someone he cared about possibly more than most. Zuko was depending on him, he <em>trusted </em>him, and Sokka let him down. He should have been there, but he was so blinded by his own stupid, insignificant little problems that he didn’t take the time to pay attention until it was too late. Until Zuko was so far gone that no amount of help could’ve brought him back. And yes, Sokka understood that when Shin said it was already too late, she was talking far enough back in time to before Sokka showed up in the Fire Nation, but he didn’t care. He didn’t agree that Zuko needed the breakdown to knock some sense into him. No one deserved to go through that.</p><p>Because he was so busy with everything else going on and he honestly couldn’t care less about the plans he was making before everything went to shit, Sokka started slipping when it came to taking care of himself. The worst part was that he was fully aware of it. Fully aware that he was taking far more painkillers than Shin ever intended him to have and sneaking more whenever he wanted them because he didn’t have time to stop and worry about his fucked-up leg. His mind started to swirl too, his focus becoming worse than ever and spiraling into a state where he either worked on every project at once or couldn’t even register the words people were saying to him as he stared intently at one of them. Every night at a certain point he crashed and could no longer function, and his nails were chewed to the brim leaving him tapping on everything to satisfy his need to fidget. It reached a point where it started to bother him again but no one else commented on it, so he tried not to think about it. If it wasn’t enough for anyone else to comment on it, then it wasn’t a problem big enough that he needed to ask for help.</p><p>After Zuko finally woke up enough to semi-function again, Sokka started to feel a little better. He wasn’t technically allowed to see the Fire Lord, but he managed to slip in after heisting his dinner from one of the palace servants and ended up spending around two hours in there with him and Iroh. They didn’t talk about anything that happened between them before but Sokka didn’t mind. Zuko was clearly exhausted and he wasn’t going to pressure him to talk at all, let alone about things that could stress him. So, while he waited for Zuko to reach a point where he was well enough for people to come to see him without sneaking in, Sokka did his best to bury himself in his work and distracted himself however he could.</p><p>Though depression was his primary emotion for a while, after he reunited with Zuko, it turned to a feeling that was just sort of numb and he figured that was a step in the right direction, and so decided to keep ignoring how he felt and work on everything that needed to get done. Zuko had shitload of work on his plate and Sokka knew that, but it didn’t seem real until him and his friends were trying to juggle it for him. Not to mention their arguments with the council to keep Zuko on the throne. The only good part of <em>that </em>was finding out that they really did appreciate his efforts but feared for his lasting ability to lead; not to mention how badly he’d been hurting himself with his obsessive working.</p><p>Though he wasn’t planning to do anything else that day, even intending to have dinner brought to his room because he just lacked the motivation to go anywhere, Sokka eventually ended up leaving when a servant knocked on his door and revealed that he was requested in Zuko’s chambers. Obviously, he was confused considering the fact that almost no one had been allowed in his room since he fully woke up a few days prior—Sokka sneaked in once or twice and as such, knew that Zuko was more alert but not feeling much better—but he did as he was told right away. If Zuko wanted to see him then he wasn’t going to waste a second. The other things he was working on could wait until later. He headed straight over to Zuko’s room, ignoring the fact that he was still barefoot and sloppily dressed as he went over and knocked on the door before entering. Admittedly, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting to find, but whatever it was, was <em>not </em>the sight he walked into.</p><p>Zuko was curled up on one side of the bed, turned away from his uncle who gave Sokka a sad look when he walked in the room. Though he didn’t appear to be crying, Zuko’s face was pink—possibly with anger—and the only thing which tipped him off to what was happening was the full tray of dinner which looked to be cold and untouched. Sokka nodded to the tray, and Iroh, who was sitting at the desk, gave him a knowing raise of his brow, only tilting his head to where Zuko lay with his bandaged arms clinging to that ridiculous stuffed turtle duck. It wasn’t normal for burns to take so long to heal, Sokka knew, but apparently it was a combination of how deep they were and the fact that he hadn’t been eating which stopped his body from recovering as fast as it should have. However, Zuko didn’t seem bothered by this and lay down right on top of them, putting pressure on it which couldn’t have been comfortable. Sokka gave one last look over to Iroh before walking over to the left side of the bed, kneeling on the floor in front of the Fire Lord.</p><p>“Hey.” He reached up and pushed a stray lock of hair behind Zuko’s right ear, hesitating when he realized that the look on his face was <em>definitely </em>pissed off and not just upset. Zuko didn’t meet his gaze but didn’t pull away either, so Sokka made the choice to go on, his voice low. “Are you all right? What happened?”</p><p>“I’m not hungry.” Zuko nuzzled deeper into the pillows, his gaze looking down to the toy in his arms. “I don’t want to eat, and they keep trying to tell me it’s <em>because </em>I’m not eating but I don’t care. I don’t believe it. I’m not hungry and I’m tired of people trying to tell me how I feel. I don’t want anything.”</p><p>“Okay, I understand that. I know it’s hard, but you need to eat something. Please. You can’t just stop again. It’s not good for you.”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter. They won’t let me out of bed anyway. I want to work but they won’t let me. Not even— not even Uncle will let me do anything. He’ll let me read and talk and play Pai Sho but he won’t let me work and I just want to work. Please, please let me work. This is my <em>life</em>, Sokka. There are people depending on me and I can’t do anything because you won’t let me work. I’ll eat something if you just let me get back to my work.”</p><p>“No, I can’t do that.” Sokka shook his head, dragging another hand over Zuko’s face. His skin was slightly oily, but it was still soft in a way that made him miss the way they used to touch. “You need to rest, Zuko. Your uncle is only doing what’s best for you. He’s not trying to stop you from working because he doesn’t believe in you, he’s doing it because you need to relax. You need to get better before you can do anything else.”</p><p>“But I’m not getting better fast enough.” Zuko bit down on his lip, glancing up to meet Sokka’s gaze for a brief second before he looked down again. “I need to get back to the people and I can’t do it because Shin won’t even say I’m good enough to start therapy and I don’t want to do that anyway because it’s— I hate therapy and I don’t want it. I just want to go back to work and I don’t understand why I can’t. If you don’t want me to get out of bed, I can work from right here. Please. Just let me work. I need to work.”</p><p>“You can’t work because you’re trying to avoid your own problems by ignoring them and working on the nation instead. You can’t do that.”</p><p>“Why not? That’s what you do.” The words struck Sokka like a sledgehammer, but he didn’t interrupt when Zuko went on, unable to say a word. “The entire time you’ve been here, you’ve been repressing. And I’ve tried to coax you out of it because I know yelling at you doesn’t do shit but you’re still doing the same damn thing and I’m sure it hasn’t changed since I’ve been out of it, right? Tell me that you’ve been taking care of yourself. You can’t. Your nails are gone, and you’ve been fidgeting since the second you got in here. You said you were doing better but you’re not, you took a step forward and then I fucked it all up and you took six steps back. You’re repressing again and unless you want to end up a pathetic failure like me, you need to stop.”</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko.” Iroh rose from his seat and walked over to the bed, sliding down to sit on the edge of the mattress beside his nephew. “I know you are upset but taking it out on your friends is not going to solve anything. He’s only trying to help you.”</p><p>“I don’t want help, I want to go back to work.”</p><p>“Maybe we can bring you something to distract yourself with, but you need to eat something first, Fire Lord Zuko. Please. It’s not good to let yourself go hungry.”</p><p>“But I’m not,” Zuko argued, his voice cracking. “I’m not hungry. I’m not.”</p><p>“That’s what Shin was trying to explain earlier.” Iroh slid closer to his nephew, gently pressing a hand to his forehead before he pulled away. “You are malnourished, and it’s taken away your appetite. Your body still needs food but it’s not communicating that to you properly. Please, you need to eat something. Just a few bites.”</p><p>“<em>No</em>. I’m not eating. If you want me to stay in bed and do nothing then that’s what I’m going to do. There’s no point in trying to survive when you won’t let me do anything with my life. I tried eating and it made me sicker. I don’t want to keep trying. I can’t do it. I’m done. Just let me work or let me sleep.”</p><p>Iroh didn’t wait a second before pulling him into a hug, which Zuko didn’t resist. He buried his head in his uncle’s shoulder, his entire body shaking as he refused to say another word. Sokka opened his mouth to say something, hoping to try and reach Zuko, but Iroh cut him off. He just smiled sadly and nodded to the door, quietly thanking Sokka for trying. He felt awful leaving when Zuko still hadn’t eaten anything, and hesitated before moving, but eventually accepted that there was nothing more he could do and turned to head out of the room, sending one more glance in the direction of Zuko and his uncle. More than anything, he wanted to turn around and be the one holding Zuko’s hand, sitting beside him and holding him in his arms, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t have him because they were both too fucked up and there was nothing he could do about it since he waited too long and Zuko was so far gone.</p><p>“Wait. Sokka.” Zuko didn’t pull away from his uncle, resting his head on Iroh’s shoulder as he looked across the room. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired and— and frustrated. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”</p><p>Sokka only nodded and chewed on the remains of his thumbnail as he walked out and closed the door behind him. He nearly went right back to his room, but his leg started to ache, so he grabbed a few of the painkillers from the bottle in his pocket—a refill from Shin who he’d neglected to inform about his growing addiction during his request—and swallowed them quickly before sliding down the wall of the empty corridor. It was quiet in the palace that day and it had been for a while. No one was allowed to come by unless asked anymore, so the servants were operating on strict schedules and the politicians weren’t allowed to come in without invitations. As such, Sokka was completely alone to sit and ponder what happened, but he narrowly avoided thinking about himself and the truth behind Zuko’s words when footsteps suddenly came towards him, followed by Aang sitting on the floor beside him. He nudged Sokka in the shoulder, his face falling when his friend didn’t smile back.</p><p>“Hey, Sokka, are you okay?” asked Aang, pulling his legs into a crossed position. Sokka only shrugged in response. “Is it Zuko? Did something happen?”</p><p>“Kind of.” He didn’t know how much he wanted to or should say, but he decided to go on anyway. Avoiding the talk about himself was a conscious decision. “He’s refusing to eat again. I think he’s just— I don’t know. He’s depressed. Sick. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. I’m really worried and I don’t even know what to do because I can’t help him. Nobody can get through to him and I’m— I don’t want to say it’s a lost cause, but I’m scared that it is because nothing we say helps. Not even his uncle. I’m just… I’m just really worried. That’s all.”</p><p>“I get it. We’re all pretty scared for him right now. And you too. You guys are together now, right?”</p><p>“No. Sort of. I don’t know. Why? Did he say something to you?”</p><p>“Not really.” Aang shook his head, shrugging as he looked down to his shoes for a moment before turning to meet Sokka’s gaze. “When I first got here we talked about how he changed the laws and he said some things that made it sound like he was really scared of being into guys and then I realized you were all blushy around each other and you were a lot closer than I remembered, so. Sorry if you didn’t want anyone to know. It just kind of made sense.”</p><p>“It’s fine, I don’t mind. Pretty much everyone knows at this point.” He sighed, leaning his head back against the wall behind them. “There’s still not really anything to know because we’re not actually a thing, but yeah. We… kissed a couple times. I like him a lot, but I don’t know how he really feels about me and it’s not the right time to think about it. And I think at this point, Katara is the only one who doesn’t know but I don’t know if I can tell her. I know it’s stupid because she’s my sister and I know she wouldn’t— but she’s my <em>sister</em>, you know? And traditionally, the Water Tribe doesn’t really— I was so scared to come out to my dad that I ended up having an anxiety attack and I’m kind of in the same place with her. I need to tell her before she hears it from someone else, I just don’t know how.”</p><p>“Well, the Air Nomads didn’t really have a coming out so I don’t know the whole process, but I think you should just tell her. Katara would never hate you for something like that. I know she wouldn’t. And even if she felt a little weird about it at first, she would still support you no matter what. You know she would. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Katara since we met, it’s that she cares about her family more than anything else in the world and she wouldn’t leave you just because you’re into guys. I can’t promise the same for being into <em>Zuko</em>, she might question your judgment there, but—”</p><p>“Hey!” This time, Sokka nudged Aang’s shoulder, smirking at the comment. Though she didn’t exactly <em>dislike </em>Zuko anymore, she made more jokes than anyone poking fun at the way they’d met, and he could tell she was still holding a bit of a grudge. “It’s not my fault he’s so stupidly sweet. I mean, I know he acts like a jackass a lot but he’s not. He’s just scared to let people in. Really, deep down, he’s a big softy who loves cuddles and turtle ducks. It’s actually ridiculously cute.”</p><p>“I can’t say I feel the same way but I’m happy for you, Sokka. Even if you’re not really a thing yet, I think you will be. Maybe not until he gets better, but it’ll happen. You have to take care of yourself too, though. Katara’s noticed that you’ve been acting weird again. She told me about it this morning. Are you sure you’re all right? You’re just worried about Zuko?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s just— no. No, it’s not just Zuko.” He knew it was stupid to crack so easily but something about Aang’s tone was so friendly, so gentle, like he wasn’t pushing him to say a word and yet giving him a big shove in that direction, and Sokka just couldn’t resist; lifting a thumb to his mouth before he mumbled on. “I don’t know if I’ve told you about it, but I have these… <em>things</em> that I do and the therapist my dad took me to said it’s normal and I’m not the only one but it’s really intrusive and I don’t— I don’t know. I can’t focus or I can only focus, and I keep fidgeting and my brain just flops and— sorry. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m all over the place right now. It’s fine, though. I just need to lie down for a bit.”</p><p>“Sokka, wait.” Aang reached out to grab Sokka’s forearm before he could stand up, a concerned look on his face. “I’m not trying to be pushy but you’re shaking like, really bad. Are you sure you’re all right? If you don’t want to talk to me, I could go find someone else for you? Your dad or Katara…?”</p><p>“No, really, I’m fine. But thanks, Aang. It means a lot that you’re looking out for me.”</p><p>He forced a smile in his friend’s direction before rising to his feet and heading off towards his bedroom. Sokka planted himself right back down on the floor after he got back in, intending to bury himself in the work he’d been in the middle of before he was interrupted by a request he couldn’t fulfill. He hated that he couldn’t be there for Zuko, no matter how hard he tried, and he wanted to fill that void with the papers in front of him. If he couldn’t help Zuko, maybe there was someone else out there that he <em>could </em>help. He eventually decided to work on the colonies, drafting a letter that he was meant to send two days ago but hadn’t found the way to word it. The Earth Kingdom wanted an explanation as to why Zuko would not be involved for at least the next few weeks, and he was trying to explain without giving away information that could compromise the safety of the nation and Zuko himself. Sokka wanted to send the letter in the morning so he pulled out his things to work on it, starting a few drafts but never making it through for multiple reasons. The worst of those being, of course, that he couldn’t focus.</p><p>At first, he pushed through his inability to think, hoping it would pass and he could get some of that overly focused shit that sometimes attacked him, but it didn’t. Instead, he was sitting there trying to write with his mind in a thousand other places and his hands and feet unable to stop twitching. He shook his one foot so much that his leg started to hurt again, and he turned to reach for more painkillers, but realized he’d already had two times as much as he was meant to and forced himself not to cave again that day. He wasn’t addicted. That’s what he kept telling himself. If he were addicted, he wouldn’t be able to stop, but he could. Taking the pills was a choice. Helping his leg feel better was a choice. Yeah, he was taking way too many pills and he had been, but it wasn’t because he couldn’t stop. It was just a bad decision because he always made bad decisions. He wasn’t addicted. He took two more.</p><p>Sokka tried to push through his lack of focus once he swallowed, not wanting to give in to the bullshit that his mind was trying to pull on him, though the result was the same and he ultimately failed to do more than scribble down words which were incoherent. He chewed on his thumbnail until it bled, shoving his hands through his hair until his tie was on the ground and his locks were in tangles around his eyes and ears. Sokka took a deep breath and dragged his brush back over the page, trying to finish his work, but somehow his thoughts went to memories of doodling his friends to the hell he’d been through with them to his near-death experience and suddenly his hands were shaking so badly that he couldn’t get a single word down and ended up dropping the brush and ink clean down onto the page; splattering ink everywhere as he threw his hands over his eyes in distress, gripping onto the edges of his hair.</p><p>The tears which stung at his eyes were painful and he wanted nothing more than for them to go away but they wouldn’t. They burned and fought to escape from his eyes, getting closer and closer to winning the battle when his breaths became shaky and short. Sokka wasn’t even anxious, his heart wasn’t pounding the way it did when he’d had an anxiety or even panic attack, he was just <em>frustrated</em>. He was so tired of having to deal with all of his brain’s shit and failing to help the people he cared about and though the dam still didn’t quite break, he got the feeling that once it did, it would break hard.</p><p>More than anything, he didn’t want to reach that point. He didn’t want to get so bad that everything crashed, and he became the pathetic, useless, emotional mess that he was after a month of sitting around at the tribe. He was terrified of slipping into the horrible state he’d gotten himself into after becoming sick of feeling like a burden, calming himself through cuts and infrequent meals. Sokka took a deep breath, sliding his hands around for just a second to catch the water caught beneath his eyelids. He wasn’t going to cry. It didn’t matter if he was alone. It didn’t matter if no one could see him. <em>He was not going to fucking cry</em>.</p><p>Sokka choked a little when Katara wrapped her arms around him but he still didn’t crack. He didn’t move his hands either, still tugging on his hair as his sister tried to reassure him. He appreciated the efforts but nothing she said helped at all and she must’ve realized that because she went silent after a few more tries. Instead of saying anything else, she just kept her arms around his shoulders in that motherly, sisterly, <em>loving</em> way she always did. Sokka leaned his head against her shoulder after finally managing to lower his hands, his hair falling in tangles over his eyes. His chest was rising and falling heavier than it should have but he knew it wasn’t anything serious. He wasn’t anxious or panicked, he was just frustrated. He was just sick of fighting with himself every day and not being able to do stuff that was so simple for everyone else. Any one of his friends could’ve sat down and had that letter done in an hour but not Sokka. Not Sokka because his stupid fucking brain kept zoning out into random places, thinking about anything from the colonies to the tribe to people he hadn’t seen in four years. All he had after more than an hour was nothing but a few failed drafts and a half-finished thought he couldn’t remember the end of.</p><p>Following far too long getting himself back under control, Sokka slid away from his sister, leaning back against the wall behind him. He looked down at his hands as he twisted his fingers around each other, unable to look up and meet her gaze. Not only did he fail to help Zuko, he failed to keep his friends out of his bullshit and ended up dragging Katara into his stupid meltdown. Because <em>that </em>was what it really was, he realized. Not an overwhelming sense of panic or anxiety, just emotions coming up to the surface because he was tired and frustrated, and he didn’t even want to be around himself anymore. Katara didn’t seem to mind that, however, and just gave him a few seconds to breathe before she said anything. He didn’t know how to express it, but he was grateful for that, knowing he wouldn’t have any kind of coherent answer when he couldn’t even meet her gaze.</p><p>“Are you all right, Sokka?” she asked gently, not pushing him to lift his eyes. “Aang said you seemed upset and I came to see if you were… that wasn’t an anxiety attack, was it?”</p><p>“No.” Sokka shook his head, lifting his hand to chew on the remnants of this nail. “I’m fine, I just got frustrated. I was trying to finish this thing for the Earth Kingdom but I couldn’t focus and then I started thinking about things that I really don’t like thinking about and my hands started shaking and my leg hurts like <em>shit</em>, fuck. Sorry. I don’t know where that last part came from. I’ve been taking the painkillers like Dad wants and everything, but I don’t think I’ve been using it enough.”</p><p>“Well, do you want to train with us or something? I’m sure the others would be happy to hang out any time you wanted to move around for a bit.”</p><p>“Actually, no, that’s okay. I’m not really ready to put that pressure on myself yet.”</p><p>“You mean, you’re not ready to put that pressure on your leg or you’re not ready to face the things that happen when you do?” questioned Katara, her tone soft. Sokka hesitated, unable to respond when she was so clearly correct. “It’s okay if you’re not ready yet. I’m just asking.”</p><p>“It’s not that I’m not ready, I just—” He cut himself off, taking a deep breath before he went on. “All right, this is pretty stupid, so you can’t make fun of me, okay? But what happened on the day of Sozin’s Comet, that was the scariest day of my life. I know I’m in no place to talk because we went through all kinds of shit during our travels and <em>you </em>had to fight Azula, but… I don’t know. Every time I think about how we took down the warships, when I thought I lost Suki and Toph’s life was <em>literally </em>in my hands, I freak out. I know I need to get back to using my leg again, but I <em>can’t</em>. It just— it gets worse whenever I try to stand on it for a long time and when I put a certain amount of pressure on it, that’s what triggers the really bad panic attacks and I just— I know it’s stupid, but I’m scared, okay? I’m scared.”</p><p>“That’s not stupid, Sokka. It makes sense.” She sounded so kind and reassuring that finally, Sokka lifted his head to meet her gaze. A small part of him feared she was just waiting to make a joke, but she didn’t. “I don’t know what happened to you guys up there, not the way you do, but you’re right. We all went through some really scary stuff and it makes sense that it would hit you the hardest, since—”</p><p>“Since I’m weaker than all of you?”</p><p>“<em>No</em>. No, absolutely not, Sokka. No. I was going to say because after it happened, you were the only one who didn’t go and talk to someone about what we went through. And Zuko, I guess, but you know what I mean. I still have nightmares about some of the stuff that happened too, but I think you missed the chance to work through it all in a way that the rest of us did. Once you get back to your therapy, you’ll be able to get past this. I know you will. Or if you need to talk to someone sooner and you’re not ready to leave, we might be able to figure out something here.”</p><p>“No, that’s fine. I’m really busy right now; I don’t think I can take that on. I can wait a little longer.”</p><p>“Sokka…” Katara hesitated before she finished, her eyes slightly widened with concern. “I know you’re going through a lot right now, but please don’t forget to take care of yourself. We need you. I need you.”</p><p>He opened his mouth to say that that was easier said than done, that he couldn’t just flip a switch and suddenly he could do all that again, but instead he only nodded. Sokka’s one goal in life was to protect the people he loved, and that meant keeping anyone from harming his little sister—including himself.</p>
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<a name="section0060"><h2>60. Chapter Fifty-Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took a while for Zuko to really come around, and once he was there, all he wanted was to be out of it again.</p><p>The first few days weren’t that bad if only because he was sick, exhausted, and far too loopy to fully register what was going on. But as he gradually came around, becoming more awake and more aware by the day, he hated the situation he was in and he hated himself. He was still fatigued as shit and struggled to move on his own, needing help from his uncle just to walk to the bathroom to wash his face in the mornings. Every time they changed and bandages, slathering his arms with that herbal shit again he wanted to cry, and each bite he was forced to take made him sicker until he physically fought against it. The only reason he tried for as long as he did was because he was tired and felt like garbage and his Uncle Iroh was there taking care of him, which gave him incentive for a while, but then he just felt like a dick for making his poor retired uncle go through all that bullshit to deal with his stupid ass.</p><p>Whenever he tried to express that feeling of being a burden, Iroh shut him down immediately. He wouldn’t listen to a word Zuko said on the matter, just telling him repeatedly that Zuko wasn’t a burden and he was happy to be there for his nephew as long as he needed to. But that was the problem because he shouldn’t have <em>had </em>to feel like he needed to be there and no matter how much Zuko wanted him to be around, the awful feeling of ruining his uncle’s life wouldn’t subside. He wanted to give himself some kind of relief, but all his coping mechanisms were taken away from him and it made it almost impossible to breathe. He couldn’t work because they wouldn’t let him, he couldn’t burn himself without burning the bandages, and he couldn’t avoid sleep when he was so exhausted he spent half his days drifting off without even noticing it. So, because he felt so horribly out of control, Zuko decided to fall back on the one thing that he <em>could </em>control and began to refuse his meals.</p><p>He didn’t need Iroh to tell him that he was coping badly but he did it anyway. His uncle begged him to eat, to stop fighting it, and though Zuko felt bad at a certain point, he didn’t. There was nothing in his life that was within his control anymore and he needed to get a hold on <em>something</em>, even if it was potentially detrimental to his health. Zuko tried to get his friends to come see him too, but they wouldn’t let more than one person come in at a time, if ever, and he kept falling asleep like an idiot halfway through their visits which basically made the whole thing pointless. It rarely resulted in anything but Zuko feeling guiltier and wishing there were something he could do to make his friends stop caring about him. To make them all hate him so he could just die, and they could move on with their lives.</p><p>That left the task of getting Zuko to eat entirely on Iroh’s shoulders and unfortunately for him, Zuko knew exactly how to get around him and poked the lines of his weak points to get out of any and all confrontations. Eating made him feel sicker than he already was, and he didn’t want to do it, regardless of what Shin said. (Which was, of course, that he was malnourished and only refusing to eat because his body wasn’t properly recognizing hunger, but Zuko didn’t believe it and he didn’t care either. He wasn’t hungry and even if he was, he probably would’ve ignored it in favor of death.) Even Sokka tried to get him to eat at one point, but he held strong. Everyone was already forcing him to do so much shit against his will and so he was pushing back. He would eat if he was allowed to work again. That was it. Without work, he had no purpose. No reason to live. That was what he was trying to explain before he dropped into his coma.</p><p>Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to be the best stance to take because that only made Shin and Iroh push <em>harder </em>for him to stay in bed. Zuko was hoping he’d be able to bribe his way back into work, but it just didn’t seem plausible as they seemed to think his refusal to eat meant he needed to keep resting, instead of letting him go; despite his promises to eat if they did. When he alluded to the fact that this pissed him off, Shin simply circled back to the topics of self-care and encouraging positive mental health, which kind of just made him want to fire her because he was fucking fine. His mental health didn’t matter. He was tired as anything and still couldn’t really walk on his own but if they just gave him his things, he could work from right there in bed. But they wouldn’t let him. Each time he begged them for work, Iroh brought him something “fun” or “relaxing” to do instead and even though he went along with it often for his uncle’s happiness, it quickly reached a point where he lacked the motivation to move at all and spent his days lying in his pillows, refusing to do or eat anything. He was just sick of it. He was sick of himself and everything that was happening and if they wouldn’t let him work then all he wanted to do was close his eyes and never wake up again. But they wouldn’t let him do that either.</p><p>Zuko had only one real meltdown since he woke up and that was during a strange point where he was half awake and half asleep and Iroh asked him something about Sokka that made him start babbling until he cried because Sokka was so fucking pretty. He didn’t think he actually <em>said </em>that, but he distinctly remembered thinking it. After that, it all spiraled and he didn’t recall much of what happened before he passed out, but he knew he was sobbing into his uncle’s shoulder for at least a few minutes while Iroh whispered gentle words into his ears. The worst part about that incident was that Zuko couldn’t remember all of what he said and so he had no idea what he babbled out to his uncle and just hoped that he was incoherent enough that Iroh wouldn’t have heard if he <em>did </em>accidentally say something about the worst things he did to himself or the fact that he was gay. Because while his uncle had been informed of most of what happened, there were still some things which Zuko neglected to tell him and had no interest in talking about. Part of him wanted to ask whether he said anything weird, but his anxiety was too strong, and he decided he preferred not to know.</p><p>That particular morning, they were in the same place they had been for the last several days. Shin went through Zuko’s vitals and everything to make sure he was recovering well while he bitched and moaned and held onto his uncle because fuck it, if he was being treated like a child, he was going to act like a child. He managed to make it through the routine questions and checking his vitals, but then they reached that same fucking part that made him freak out every day where Shin unwrapped his bandages and washed them off before putting that sticky gunk on them. It became part of their daily routine for Zuko to hide his face in Iroh’s shoulder when she did that, still unable to bring himself to look at the damage he’d inflicted. He knew it must’ve been bad because Iroh always squeezed him a little tighter when the bandages came off and it terrified him to know that his arms could come out of the situation looking just as awful as his face and his stomach. By that point, he held more scar tissue than skin and it brought a level of self-hatred to the table which only magnified what he was already feeling tenfold.</p><p>Once they finished the medical checks that proved he was just as fucking sick—but increasingly more alert—as he was the last few days, they had to move on to the next part of the bullshit and Zuko immediately ripped away from his uncle and the physician. It was weak, pathetic, embarrassing, but he needed the control he had over them and so he buried his face in his pillows the moment they suggested breakfast; dragging his blankets over his head before clinging to that same stupid turtle duck that Toph apparently picked out for him. He honestly felt like an idiot getting attached to it the way he did, but he was only holding onto it the way he’d always held onto his throw pillows before, so he tried not to be too hard on himself about the coping mechanism which was <em>significantly </em>less harmful than not eating. Not that he was planning to do anything about that either because even though people were getting really upset with him for not doing it, he liked the momentary feeling of control.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko, please.” Iroh’s tone was gentle as he placed a hand on Zuko’s shoulder, not pushing him to come out of the blankets any faster than he wanted to. He almost felt bad, listening to his uncle’s sad words, but he needed the control. “You have not been eating well this week.”</p><p>“I don’t want to eat,” mumbled Zuko, trying to ignore how childish and pathetic his words sounded.</p><p>“I know it’s hard for you, my nephew, but the sooner you resume your regular meals, the sooner you will be able to get back to work. Your body is not recovering because you are not giving it the sustenance that it needs to heal. Please, just start with some tea and then you can see how you feel.”</p><p>“No. I <em>feel</em> like I don’t want to eat, and I <em>feel</em> like you’re trying to force me to. I’m not hungry. I don’t want to eat anything. I want to work. Unless you’re going to let me tend to my duties, just leave me alone. I’m not eating anything until you let me work.”</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko—”</p><p>“And stop calling me that,” he snapped, squeezing the toy tighter in his arms. It hurt to say the words, but they came out of his mouth faster than he could control himself. “I’m not doing anything as Fire Lord and because you won’t let me out of here, soon enough I won’t <em>be </em>the Fire Lord. You should just think of some other bullshit title to give me. Like, Failure Lord. That fucking fits better.”</p><p>“Please.” It was physically painful to hear his uncle speak to him that way. To hear him beg Zuko to be okay. To at least <em>try</em>, even though it all felt like too much. “Just take a few bites and you’ll start to feel better, I promise you. Here, let me help you—”</p><p>“<em>No!</em>” Zuko yanked away when Iroh laid a hand on him, his entire body shaking as his chest rose and fell painfully. “I’m not eating. I’m not. Just— stop! Stop it! Get away from me! I don’t want to eat, I— you keep trying to make me take care of myself, but I don’t <em>want </em>to anymore. I just want it to <em>stop</em>. I just— I’m not— I’m not eating anything. I can’t. I can’t do it anymore.”</p><p>It sounded like Iroh began to say something, the start of a word leaving his mouth, but he didn’t finish his sentence; instead, reaching a hand around Zuko’s shoulder and pulling him into an embrace. Zuko wanted to pull away again, to refuse the comfort he didn’t deserve, but the angered breaths quickly devolved into wracking sobs and somehow, he found himself sinking into his uncle’s arms. He caught himself mumbling something again, his pathetic whining muffled in Iroh’s shoulder, but he barely knew what the words were. All he knew was that he begged his uncle to stop trying. To give up. To let him die instead of wasting so much time trying to help him be okay when it was clearly never going to happen. Iroh said nothing. He just held Zuko in his arms until he stopped babbling, stopped <em>crying</em>, and closed his eyes as his breaths started to slow.</p><p>Though he’d spent more time asleep than awake since he came out of his coma, it was not intentional and quite honestly, Zuko was fucking tired of falling unconscious at the most inopportune of times. One of them being right then, when he was supposed to be pissed off and holding a grudge against everyone for wasting their time and forcing him to stay in bed, and instead ended up falling asleep with his arms around his uncle like a stupid little kid. He didn’t have much time to be pissed about that, however, as when he woke up from that unintentional nap, there were voices in the room around him. Zuko tried to listen immediately but had to flop over to hear what they said, unable to process a single word between the side of the room they were on and the way he was lying down. Neither Sokka nor Iroh appeared to notice that Zuko had woken up, and so he didn’t say anything. He let them keep going with whatever they were doing on the floor, their voices low likely for his benefit. At first, he wasn’t sure what they were looking at but realized there was a map between them.</p><p>“…and this is where I bought my bag,” Sokka went on. It was a struggle to hear what he said from so far away, but Zuko didn’t want them to realize he was awake and ruin their afternoon, so he closed his eyes again, listening as best he could. “So, you see, a lot of people thought that we were really good at evading you guys, but we were usually just going wherever Aang wanted. It was actually really impractical. I used to freak out a lot because the guys seriously thought our schedule was expendable. I mean, did you know we only met Suki because he wanted to ride some giant fish? We wouldn’t have gone to Kyoshi Island otherwise.”</p><p>“I see.” Iroh’s tone was thoughtful, and papers shifted around before he spoke again. “Out of everywhere you traveled, what was your favorite place?”</p><p>“Oh, er— there were a lot of great places! I do really like Kyoshi and I’d probably have to say there or Ember Island for sheer location but if you’re talking about what we did… I think my favorite part was when Zuko took me to the Boiling Rock to save my dad.”</p><p>Zuko <em>had </em>told Iroh about that and he was absolutely sure of it, but for some reason, his uncle decided to play dumb and claimed he hadn’t heard what happened there; prompting Sokka to launch into a whole story about their adventure. It was a lot different hearing it from the other perspective, and though it was a little repetitive at first, Zuko found himself falling love with Sokka’s goofy storytelling and watched silently as he recounted the tale with overly dramatic hand gestures. He opened his eyes just a little bit to see that but neither Sokka nor Iroh seemed to notice so he stayed where he was, listening to the story. Iroh occasionally asked him questions but otherwise Sokka just babbled on his own, sometimes going off on tangents about how awesome Suki was or, even more often, how amazing <em>Zuko </em>was. The first time Sokka went on one of those, Zuko thought he heard wrong, but he didn’t. Sokka was gushing about him and it wasn’t the only time.</p><p>All throughout his story, Sokka continued to interject it with how great he thought Zuko was and how he hadn’t thought about a lot of things back then, but looking back, he realized just how incredible Zuko did at this and that. Zuko didn’t know whether it meant anything but something in his heart really wanted it to because he felt the same way about Sokka. He was smart, beautiful, talented, and even though he couldn’t breathe fire, every time he let his hair down, Zuko wanted to zone out thinking about it the same way Sokka did at that point in his story. (Zuko was fairly certain that Iroh was aware of this despite not saying anything about it, though he wasn’t sure whether he could figure out the <em>why</em>, which Zuko wasn’t too sure of either. He wanted to believe Sokka thought he was hot, but how could <em>he </em>be hot with all those disgusting scars?) Overall, even though he’d been there himself, hearing Sokka tell the story was even better than just remembering it and by the time it was over, he was almost smiling despite still being half asleep.</p><p>“You and my nephew have gotten very close since then, haven’t you?” asked Iroh softly, a knowing smile on his face. Zuko froze when he asked, unsure what he was alluding to, but thankfully, Sokka saved him with a casual shrug.</p><p>“Yeah, I guess we have,” Sokka answered thoughtfully, looking down to his fidgety hands. “I mean, we’ve been friends for a while, but we’ve spent a <em>lot </em>of time together since I got here a couple months ago. It wasn’t really intentional or anything, we just kind of clicked this time. I guess. Probably because we’re both messed up and we were trying to heal together. Or something. Sorry, can I ask you a question? It’s a stupid question so if you want to say no, that’s totally fine. I’m not sure I even want to ask it. I mean, I <em>do </em>want to ask it, but—”</p><p>“It’s all right, Sokka. You can ask me anything you need to.”</p><p>“Okay. I was just— er, I was <em>kind of </em>wondering if it would— well, if it would be okay if I— would it be okay if I took Zuko out? Not outside the palace obviously, but I thought maybe we could just have a picnic out by the turtle duck pond or something because he’s been stuck in bed for days and I think maybe getting him out of here for a bit might help him sort of reset and it’s okay if you don’t think it’s a good idea or if it would be better for him to just stay in bed since—”</p><p>Zuko froze where he lay, biting down on his lip hard as Sokka rambled on, his mind racing a thousand miles a minute. Part of him felt bad for overhearing what he definitely wasn’t supposed to, and part of him was having a gay panic because if he wasn’t interpreting things wrong, the pretty boy <em>did </em>like him back. He didn’t even know which thought to follow. For <em>weeks </em>he was scared that he and Sokka didn’t really have anything between them and that they were just making out and stuff as part of Sokka’s way of coping after coming out, but they <em>weren’t</em>. Sokka really did like him, enough to ask his uncle if it would be okay to actually take him out. Of course, there was every chance Iroh would say no for two reasons, and he was terrified of the second one being true. Because the first, easier solution was that Iroh would say no because Zuko was still too weak to get out of bed, while the other, unspeakable option was that his uncle would interpret Sokka’s question the same way Zuko had and react poorly.</p><p>He was always terrified of disappointing his uncle by being a failure or a burden but disappointing him to being gay was one of the most terrifying feelings in the world. When it came to his other shortcomings, nothing Zuko did ever got a negative response from Iroh unless it was the only way to help him. Otherwise, he was met with nothing but unconditional love and support and he didn’t know if that would translate to this situation. He didn’t know if Iroh would be okay with him liking boys—liking <em>Sokka</em>—because he’d learned over his life that even the nicest people turned nasty when it came to that. Kids who bullied him when he was younger because he looked at a boy for a little too long. Kind shopkeepers who spat at him when they saw the way he carried himself. Allies and citizens who turned on him when they heard mere rumors that he could be ‘a homosexual’. So, as he waited that long few seconds for Iroh to explain how he felt about the question, Zuko’s heart pounded harder than it had in weeks; his hands gripping around his stuffed turtle duck to keep them from shaking.</p><p>“That sounds like a wonderful idea,” Iroh said finally. He placed a hand on Sokka’s shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. “I don’t know how much luck you would have getting him to eat anything but please, take him. He may not be ready to leave his room yet so you’ll have to be gentle, but I think a couple hours outside would be very good for him. In fact, a date may be exactly what he needs.”</p><p>“I didn’t mean it like a date,” Sokka blurted out, and Zuko went from feeling relieved to disappointed in the space of seconds. “Obviously, I don’t— I don’t want to take Zuko on a date. That would just be ridiculous. I’m just worried about him as a friend, you know? Just—”</p><p>“It’s okay. I know what you meant.”</p><p>“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to lie, I just— I didn’t— I didn’t know he’d talked to you about that yet.”</p><p>“He hasn’t.” When Iroh first spoke, Sokka’s posture stiffened as if he’d done something wrong, but he softened again once the man went on. “My nephew did not have a good upbringing in many ways and that is one of them. Growing up, he was taught that for a man to fall in love with another man would be disgraceful, particularly for someone of his status. I have suspected for a while that there may be something he wasn’t telling me, but it’s not an easy position for him to be in. I have always done my best to show him that I will love and care for him no matter what, and I am hoping one day he’ll be able to trust me with the information I believe you already have.”</p><p>“Well, I— not really. He said something about what he <em>thought</em>, but I don’t know if he figured it out or if— I think you’re right. He’s scared.”</p><p>“All the more reason for a lovely young man like yourself to take him on a date and show him that it’s okay.”</p><p>For some reason, that was when he lost it. There was too much information coming in all at once and he didn’t know how to deal with it. Sokka wanted to take him on a date, his Uncle Iroh loved him even though he was into boys, and he actually <em>wanted </em>Sokka to take Zuko out so that he could get used to the idea of being with a man. He knew he needed to pretend to sleep, to pretend he hadn’t heard a single word they said because it really wasn’t his business to be listening in on, but the tear slid from his eye before he could flop back into the pillows and from there it just devolved. He bit down harder on his lip, trying to keep himself quiet, though his sniffles eventually gave him away and Sokka turned around, his entire face falling when he saw that Zuko was watching them and crying. Of course, at that point, they’d moved onto something that <em>wasn’t </em>explicitly discussing his sexuality so to them it was unclear when he woke up, and he wasn’t sure whether he should admit to how long he’d been listening for.</p><p>They both stood up to run over to him, though Sokka got the hug first. Each of them asked Zuko whether he was okay, what happened, if he had a nightmare, but he just shook his head, unable to get out a word. They <em>liked </em>him. Both of them. His crush wanted to take him on a date, his uncle loved him in spite of his failures and his attraction to men, and they cared so much they hurried to his side to make sure he was okay. Still failing to answer, Zuko just stayed silent; shaking slightly as he slid out of Sokka’s grasp and stared at both of the men, tears still streaming out of his eyes. He didn’t know what to say. He tried to open his mouth, to explain what happened and let them know that he accidentally heard everything, but he couldn’t find the right words and it took him way too long to finally speak.</p><p>“Sorry, I don’t—” He shoved his hands over his eyes, trying to get himself under control. “I don’t know why I’m doing this, I just— I was afraid. I thought you might— I thought you might hate me. For liking boys.”</p><p>Iroh’s eyes went wide and he shook his head quickly, pulling his nephew into his arms. Zuko settled into his grasp immediately. “I am so proud of you, Fire Lord Zuko. Whether you like men or women or both does not matter to me as long as you are happy. That’s all I have ever wanted for you.”</p><p>“I don’t like both.” Zuko’s arms were heavy but he managed to wrap them around his uncle, resting his forehead on Iroh’s shoulder. “I— I think— I’m gay and I was scared. I thought everyone would— I thought I was a disappointment. I thought I was <em>broken</em>. Father always told me that—”</p><p>“My brother is the disgrace, Fire Lord Zuko. <em>You </em>are the light of this family. Nothing he said defines you. You must move past the things he said and become your own person. Nothing he taught you was correct.”</p><p>“…so, then what’s the Fire Lord really called?”</p><p>“Stop doing that!” It was Sokka who said that, of course, chuckling with a wide smile on his face as he watched Zuko pull away from his uncle; his cheeks smudged with tears. He slid down onto the bed beside Zuko, glancing over to Iroh before he looked to the other boy with wide eyes. “So… I guess you heard a lot of that, huh? I, uh, didn’t exactly know you were awake. But you— I mean, if you heard that, did you— wow, I’m bad at this.”</p><p>“I— <em>fuck </em>sorry, I don’t know why I’m—” Zuko sniffed as he pushed a hand over his face. It was hard to explain his lack of control over his emotions. “Outside, I mean. To the turtle ducks. To… eat. Or something. I don’t know if I can walk very well because I haven’t moved much but I would— I would really like to go with you. A lot.”</p><p>The only reason Zuko didn’t die of embarrassment right the on the spot was because Sokka looked just as awkward as he did, and Iroh was beaming so hard Zuko thought he might tear his own face. Sokka’s smile widened dramatically after Zuko spoke too, and he finally stopped twisting his fingers around in his hands as he looked up to meet Zuko’s eyes with his own beautiful blue ones. They stared at each other for a long several seconds, neither saying a word as they finally locked gazes without Zuko feeling uncomfortable. He didn’t look away. He didn’t try to fight it. He just admired how beautiful Sokka looked. His bright eyes, his perfect wolftail, and the trademark tiredness that he’d become so determined to smother. Zuko bit down on his bottom lip, snapping out of it only when Iroh spoke up.</p><p>“Remember that your health comes first, Fire Lord Zuko,” he said, his tone still cheerful. “If you’re not feeling well right now, I’m sure Sokka wouldn’t mind postponing this until you’re a little better.”</p><p>“Yeah, absolutely.” Sokka nodded quickly, his hands again moving in a fast motion to get his point across. “It was just an idea since you’ve been in here for, like, a month. I thought it might be fun and it doesn’t even have to be a date if you don’t want it to be I just— I was talking to Toph and she got into my head and if this is too fast then that’s okay and we don’t have to—”</p><p>“No, it’s okay.” Somehow, Zuko still felt hesitant, still looking to his uncle as if he would confess that he was joking and secretly hated his nephew for being gay. But he wasn’t. He said nothing, still smiling as Zuko talk to the boy—the very, very pretty <em>boy</em>—that he was possibly going to go on a date with, and somehow, that made Zuko feel better. Not perfect, not completely comfortable, but better. He reached out for Sokka’s hand and gripped it before he went on. “Can we do it tomorrow? Maybe? I’m really tired right now.”</p><p>“Of course, yeah, that’s fine. I’ll, uh— I’ll come get you around lunch time? And if you don’t feel good tomorrow and you want to wait again that’s fine, just tell me. I really don’t mind if you can’t do it, I just want you to feel better. So, please be honest, okay?”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“All right, then.” Sokka smiled a little too wide, leaning forward to press a kiss to the top of Zuko’s head and giving his hand one more squeeze before he turned and spun away, moving to leave. Zuko flushed bright pink when he saw the way his uncle was looking proudly at him; more than a little embarrassed to have an audience to the affection. Before he left, Sokka stopped at the door, waving to Zuko and Iroh, but more the former than the latter. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p><p>Zuko watched him go silently, swallowing hard and turning back to his uncle once he was gone. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”</p><p>“You have nothing to be sorry about, Fire Lord Zuko,” said Iroh quietly, reaching forward to push away a few of the stray tears that lingered on his cheeks. “You were afraid. But now, you have a date! Look at you, we’re going to have to wash your hair!”</p><p>“Please don’t do that thing with my hair again. Please. It’s too long now. We can just leave it how it is.”</p><p>“Just leave it how it is?” He sounded almost appalled, gasping as he shook his head. “Absolutely not. You need to look perfect for your date and you need to wash your hair for hygiene regardless. It will make you feel much better once you’ve gotten a good bath.”</p><p>Eyes wide, Zuko opened his mouth to say something, to argue, but it was too late. His uncle was already preparing to give him a fresh look and he was far too tired to do anything about it. But he also couldn’t stop smiling so it wasn’t like it was the worst thing in the world, right? He accepted his uncle’s hands around his arm, allowing Iroh to help him sit up again but turning away when he tried again to offer food.</p><p>“Zuko, please.” It was his tone alone that convinced Zuko to look at his uncle, though he was still intending to refuse. “You are emotional because your blood sugar is too low. You must eat something. Just a few bites. Please.”</p><p>It took a long moment and a lot of convincing before Zuko managed to nod. Just looking at the bowl of rice made him feel sick all over again, but he forced himself to try and eat it. Maybe he didn’t want to eat. Maybe he didn’t want to get better. Maybe he didn’t want to <em>live</em>. But for Sokka’s smile, for his uncle’s hugs, he was willing to try again; even if he doubted there was anything left that could save him at that point.</p>
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<a name="section0061"><h2>61. Chapter Fifty-Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was no way to explain how Toph managed to convince Sokka to ask Zuko out on a date, but it happened. He thought it was ridiculous at first, especially when it went from “get him out of his room” to “get him to go on a date with you”, and yet, the more she tried to win him over, the better the idea sounded. Still, he didn’t know he was actually going to go through with it until he was sitting in front of Zuko’s uncle, recounting a story which made him gush over Zuko just a <em>little </em>too much for it to come off platonic. Thankfully, Iroh was absolutely supportive from the moment he asked whether a date would be okay to moment they realized Zuko heard them and desperately needed a hug to the moment Sokka pressed a kiss to Zuko’s head before he ducked out of the room. At which point, of course, he had a fully-fledged gay panic because <em>Zuko actually said yes</em>.</p><p>From the moment he left the room to the moment he went to bed, Sokka did nothing but think about what was going to happen. He was fully aware that he was stuck in another focused thought, but he couldn’t get himself to care because he was in such a good mood. A couple of people asked him why he was so smiley, but he only gave the news to Toph, not quite ready to let anyone else know that they were going on a proper date in the event that it backfired. Which, honestly was probably more likely than anything else given how awful a mindset both of them were in. But when they were together, they were both <em>happy </em>and somehow, Sokka felt like being together would make everything okay, even if they were both in a shitty place and Zuko was sick and there wasn’t even any guarantee he’d be able to go through with the date whether he called it off for illness, internalized homophobia, or something else entirely.</p><p>Knowing that was true, Sokka’s heart was racing when he made it over to Zuko’s chambers the following afternoon and he had to take a deep breath to steady himself. For once, he was aware of the fact that his heart was beating at an irregular rate, but he didn’t know what to do about it, if anything, and decided it wasn’t worth putting off his time with Zuko. The guy hadn’t gotten out of his room for more than a shower in weeks—he deserved an afternoon in the sun, whether it ended up being romantic or not. So, he knocked on the door, closing his eyes for the briefest second to prepare himself for the worst before it opened. When it swung open, it was not Zuko standing on the other side, but his Uncle Iroh; a wide smile on his face as he stepped aside to let Sokka in. He grinned back at Iroh, though it wasn’t as honest as he would’ve liked given how awkward and nervous he felt.</p><p>Inside the room, Zuko was sitting on the edge of his bed, slightly hunched over. He wasn’t wearing any shoes and his dark red and gold clothes wasn’t particularly fancy, though he’d put on a loose-fitting shirt for the first time since he passed out. His hair was nothing special either, just pulled back into a ponytail with the shorter hairs still flopping in front of his face, but Sokka thought it was perfect. The only real problem was that he looked exhausted, his eyes half closed as he failed to meet Sokka’s gaze. Immediately, he felt a pang of fear in his chest, hoping that Zuko was okay. He was completely ready to offer to postpone the lunch until another day, whenever he was starting to feel better, but Iroh cut in quietly before he could.</p><p>“My nephew did not sleep well last night,” he said, his tone unreadable but at least somewhat reassuring. “I’ve already spoken to him and he would really like to spend the afternoon with you, but he is not feeling very well so please, be careful with him. His physician said it would be all right for him to leave as long as he stays in at the palace and returns to bed soon, but if he starts to feel ill or sleepy, he needs to come back and rest.”</p><p>“Okay. I’ll keep an eye on him.” Sokka forced another smile before walking over to the bed beside Zuko, whose eyes had drifted completely shut. Again, he felt like he should let just delay the date until another time when Zuko was feeling better, that it wasn’t that good of an idea in the first place, but he decided to leave the decision up to Zuko and how <em>he </em>was feeling. Sokka sat down on the bed beside him, gently nudging his shoulder. “Hey, Zuko. You still want to have lunch with me?”</p><p>“Mm.” Zuko nodded, running a hand over his eye, and clearing his throat before he spoke. “Sorry, I had— I was having nightmares. I kept waking up. Couldn’t keep food down.”</p><p>“Oh.” That was the last thing he wanted to hear. Having gone through more than his fair share of nightmares himself, Sokka knew how awful it was to try and work through them and wanted Zuko to know that if he was too tired to do anything that day, or sick from his apparent inability to eat, it was okay. He took a second before he spoke, however, not wanting it to come off the wrong way. “If you don’t feel up to getting out of bed, we don’t have to do this. I mean, it’s just lunch. We can do it another day, if—”</p><p>“No, I— I want to come. I just have a headache. Uncle says it’s because I’m not eating well, so…”</p><p>The fact alone that Zuko was practically committing to eat was enough to get Sokka to decide it was worth the risk. He let Zuko put an arm around his waist to steady himself as they headed out of the room, Iroh beaming, winking, and calling out something to Zuko about ‘being safe’ before they left. Sokka chose to believe that was about listening to his body’s needs given the position he was in and said nothing about it. They walked slowly out to the courtyard, making a little small talk on the way, which mostly consisted of Zuko babbling about the things they got for him at the market that he’d finally gotten a chance to look through. He was particularly excited about a few of the theater trinkets and even though Sokka wasn’t really sure what he was talking about for the most part, he liked hearing him so happy and made a mental note to read up on Fire Nation plays later so he could better understand what he was referring to.</p><p>Once they made it outside, they sat down in the empty courtyard; Zuko leaning back against the tree nearest the turtle duck pond and Sokka revealing the basket he—and the servants—had prepared for their lunch. It was mostly bland food, nothing special since Zuko was still having a hard time getting himself to eat anything and apparently holding it down, but he hoped it was enough. Thankfully, Zuko seemed okay with it, though not particularly enthused to eat anything at all, and they ended up just sitting there for a while; Zuko resting his head on Sokka’s shoulder as they sat back, the former tossing half their grapes to the turtle ducks. Sokka nearly said something about that but decided against it. If Zuko was happy then he was happy too. Even if his leg stung and his chest burned a little and he had a sort of lingering feeling of sadness that wouldn’t go away. Zuko’s tiny smile when he reached around to hold Sokka’s hand was everything. It wasn’t a perfect first date. It wasn’t even really a date at all, considering most of it was just Zuko laying half asleep on his shoulder, but it didn’t matter.</p><p>Zuko didn’t eat a lot, pawning half his food off to the turtle ducks, but he had <em>something </em>and that was all Sokka really cared about. He tried, which was hard, and Sokka realized then that he should be making more of an effort too. Zuko was struggling badly but he finally reached a point where he was trying to improve. He ate tiny bites, but they were something, he moped around half the day, but it was rest, and he asked his uncle for help whenever he needed it, even though he felt like he was a burden. Sokka wasn’t doing that. He was slipping back into his old habits of repressing everything and acting like everyone else was more important than he was. Which was true, of course, because all he wanted to do was protect the people he cared about, not have them protect him, but still. His inability to focus and stop fidgeting was reaching a point that severely bothered him and he needed to say something. He needed to open up about <em>his </em>nightmares and let someone be there for him the way Iroh was for Zuko. But it was scary. It was scary and he didn’t know how to do it, so he pushed the thought away for later.</p><p>At some point, they switched from sitting in silence to Zuko babbling on about how the courtyard used to be different when he was a kid and the things he did growing up there. Most of the stories were about his mother, Sokka noticed, though he occasionally slipped in some instances of Azula and her friends playing in the gardens too. In exchange, Sokka ended up sharing some of his own stories from the tribe, to which Zuko mumbled that he’d like to visit sometime because he never really got to experience snow in a positive environment. <em>That </em>got Sokka on a whole new spiel about how amazing snow is and it was the stupidest tangent ever, but he couldn’t stop himself and before he knew what was happening, he was holding Zuko’s hand and leaning against his head as they talked about everything and nothing at all. They did nothing productive out there the entire time but Zuko was clearly doing a little better out in the sun instead of locked up in his bedroom, and Sokka was just happy to be spending time with him; holding his hand, playing with his hair, and talking to him about their ridiculous childhood stories.</p><p>It was during another one of Zuko’s rambles about theater when Sokka was overcome with the urge to kiss him. He was explaining the plot of some play he liked that Sokka didn’t catch the name of, just babbling on about it while he stared out at the turtle ducks and Sokka played with his fingers, but it was a stupidly romantic play and Zuko had this little smile on his face that was too much for Sokka to handle. So, the next time Zuko looked up at him, Sokka met his gaze; his free hand reaching up to tilt Zuko’s chin. He waited for that little nod, the little flicker of his gaze from Sokka’s eyes to his lips and back again, and then, with the knowledge that Zuko was thinking the exact same thing as he was, leaned forward and gently pressed their lips together. It was the most tender of kisses, not just because it was a soft occasion but because Zuko felt fragile in his current state and Sokka didn’t want it to be too much. The most he did was taste the tea on his lips as they squeezed their hands together.</p><p>The whole thing didn’t last more than maybe twenty seconds, and when it was over, Zuko shifted and laid his head in Sokka’s lap, his eyes closing slowly. Sokka just watched and dragged a hand over his face, happier than ever that he’d let Toph talk him into the whole thing. (Okay, admittedly, the biggest reason why he cracked was because she threatened to talk about boning again, but still.) They stayed silent for a while after that, just sitting in the shining sun as Zuko relaxed on Sokka’s leg. He smiled as Zuko closed his eyes; gently pulling out his hair tie and dragging his fingers through his hair. He must’ve finally gotten a chance to wash it because it was back to being unbearably soft. It wasn’t styled well, likely due to how tired he was that morning, and Sokka took the silence as an opportunity to comb it with his fingers. Zuko didn’t react to this gesture, just breathing softly where he rested. He was obviously falling asleep again—or possibly <em>already </em>asleep again—and Sokka knew he should take him back to his room but couldn’t bring himself to ask Zuko to move. So, instead, he just leaned back against the tree behind them; closing his own eyes as his fingers continued to glide through Zuko’s luscious hair.</p><p>Six months ago, Sokka never could’ve imagined being where he was right then, but he wouldn’t have had it any other way.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Sokka waited another fifteen minutes before he decided he had to wake Zuko. He’d promised Iroh that he would take care of him and agreed to bring him back if he was tired or sick. Given that Zuko didn’t admit to being either of those things, Sokka didn’t know<em> exactly</em> how he felt, but he was definitely tired unless he’d just passed out on Sokka’s lap for the heck of it. Still, Sokka felt a little bad waking him up and did it as gently as he could; dragging his fingers through Zuko’s hair and softly nudging him to open his eyes. It took a minute or two, but eventually, Zuko reached a point of alertness where he was able to sit up with a little help from Sokka (who, quite honestly, found it <em>terrifying</em> how lethargic he was, but didn’t want to say anything in front of the Fire Lord for fear of stressing him out), and draped an arm back around the other boy’s waist to support himself. Sokka wrapped an arm over Zuko too, ignoring the pain in his leg as he helped him back to his room.</p><p>When they got there, Iroh took over from Sokka and helped Zuko—still half-asleep—back into his bed. Though he was planning to leave right away to let Zuko get his rest, Sokka turned back around when the Fire Lord called to him; walking over to the bed to see what he needed. As it turned out, all he wanted was one last touch of affection because he reached his hands up to either side of Sokka’s face, pulling him down for a quick kiss. It was a little awkward with Iroh in the room right beside them, looking half happy for his nephew and half embarrassed to see them kissing, but it was sweet and Sokka was glad it happened. At least, until he turned around and saw that the door was still open; Katara staring inside of it despite Toph clinging to her arm and trying to drag her away. Sokka said nothing to Zuko, whose eyes were already closing again, but glanced over to Iroh with a look of sheer fear before he slid away from his not-quite-boyfriend, giving his hand a little squeeze as Zuko slowly dropped it back to his side.</p><p>By the time he went out into the hallway, Katara was already gone. Instantly, every one of Sokka’s worst fears in that realm kicked into full force and he swallowed hard, looking both ways down the corridor as he tried to figure out where she might have gone. All his stupid, newfound anxiety was blowing up his uncontrollable mind, telling him that she ran because she thought it was disgusting. She left because she didn’t love him anymore and if she did, she would’ve waited to talk to him and tell him it was okay. Sokka tried to argue this point with the obvious, that she just felt awkward watching, but he didn’t know and in the realm of uncertainty, anxiety always prevails. He tried to find Toph at the very least, hoping that she would’ve explained things to Katara in a way that would at <em>least </em>keep them together as siblings if not friends, but he didn’t know. He had no idea what his sister thought of what she saw and that was <em>terrifying</em>. There was every chance she hated him, thought he was gross, didn’t want to speak to him ever again, and he wouldn’t know until he found her.</p><p>He ended up doing that by accident.</p><p>Growing up with Katara, Sokka knew <em>everywhere </em>she went when she needed to think. Specific places around the tribe, types of areas she found comforting on their travels, but in the palace, in that barely familiar place, he had no idea. So, he did the only thing he could and decided to check outside to see if she was with Aang or Appa. She was not, and no one he passed had seen her. After that, he was planning to head over to the room she was staying in, hoping to find her in there, but he ended up finding her sooner, leaning on the rails of one of the balconies overlooking the courtyard. Sokka wasn’t sure if she heard him come up but she didn’t move so he hesitated in the doorway, biting down on his thumbnail—okay, at that point he was pretty much just chewing on his thumb—before he got the courage to walk over to his sister, resting his own arms on the railing beside her. Katara didn’t so much as glance over at him, and he knew in that instant that he was right. He might have been wrong about his dad but all his worst fears about his sister were true. All he could do now was say goodbye.</p><p>“Listen, Katara…” His voice trailed off almost immediately, his fingers tapping against the edge of the railing. Still, Katara didn’t look at him, so he didn’t look at her either. It was easier to talk to Appa’s distant figure than to meet her gaze anyway. “I’m really sorry. For a lot of things. I should have told you that I was having hard time after the war, and before I left. I— I did a lot of things I regret. I hurt myself. I ran away from home. I made a lot of really stupid decisions but the one thing I don’t regret is staying here with Zuko. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. Not about that. That’s— That’s new. That’s a whole other thing. But I’m… I’m bisexual, and I’ve always known that, I just didn’t know how to tell you. The tribe was always so quiet about all that, and I didn’t know how you would react. I don’t know what I thought would happen but you—you’ve always been so traditional, you know? Not about everything. You’re probably the most progressive person I’ve ever met in terms of women’s rights and stuff, but… I don’t know.</p><p>“You made fun of my hair. My face paints. My poetry. My shopping. My art. And I get it, I know it’s not all the ‘manliest’ stuff in the world but maybe… maybe <em>I’m </em>not the manliest guy in the world and the more I think about it, the more I think I’m okay with that. But I didn’t want to tell you that because I didn’t know how you were going to react, especially when I ended up here and started falling for <em>Zuko </em>of all people. He’s actually really sweet if you can get past the surface levels of angst and anger, by the way, but that’s not the point. The point is, I should have told you about this a long time ago. I probably should have told you first. The only reason I didn’t was because I was— I was scared. I was scared to tell Dad too and the only reason I managed to do that was because he caught on and called me out on it. But there are so many people at home and around here who are just <em>assholes </em>and I— I like Zuko. I <em>really </em>like Zuko and I was scared that if I told you that, if I told you I’m into guys, you’d— I don’t know. You’d hate me? Basically, I was scared I was going to lose you. That’s it. I should have said something, and I didn’t, and it’s because I thought I might lose you and I can’t lose you. I can’t. I—”</p><p>Sokka snapped his mouth shut when Katara turned to him suddenly, throwing her arms around him in an embrace. He froze for several seconds, baffled by the gesture after she’d been silent for so long, but managed to come to his senses and reached around to hold her back. It was painful to hear her sniffles as she held onto him tighter, squeezing him close like it was her last chance to see him. That confused him even more. Was <em>she </em>saying goodbye? Or was she trying to tell him that it was okay and if he wanted to be gay with Zuko then that was cool, and he should be gay with Zuko? Or that it was fine that he was into guys but <em>not </em>that he was into Zuko? The whole situation was overwhelming and made no sense and by the time she finally loosened her grip, still holding him close, tears were prickling at Sokka’s own eyes too if only from the sheer stress of the situation.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Those were the last words he expected to come out of her mouth and when she said them, her tone filled with sadness, Sokka thought for sure that she was going to tell him they wouldn’t be speaking anymore. “I am so sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that. None of those things I said were serious, I was just teasing you, and I— I can’t believe I was so cruel that you didn’t feel like you were able to come out to me. Just— this changes <em>nothing</em>, Sokka. <em>Nothing</em>. You’re my big brother and I’m so, so sorry you’ve been going through so much without me. And I don’t— I have no idea what you see in Zuko of all people but if you’re happy with him then I’m happy for you. Both of you. But please don’t be scared to talk to me about anything again, okay? I could never hate you, Sokka. Never. Especially not over something like this.”</p><p>The tears in his eyes still didn’t fall, fading away as he held on to his sister a little tighter, but the wave of emotions which overtook him was almost too much to bear. He was wrong. Everything he’d ever been afraid of was for nothing. Katara accepted him unconditionally, and even though he thought she might not approve because he wasn’t masculine enough or traditional enough, she didn’t. She didn’t care at all and it was everything he’d ever hoped for out of the moment he finally came out to her. The only problem being that he’d waited too long and said the wrong things because <em>he </em>was the one coming out and yet <em>she </em>was the one crying on his shoulder because she thought that she was somehow responsible for his fear. Which, yes, her comments were sometimes harmful to his mindset and the teasing didn’t always come off as humorous as it was meant to be, but it wasn’t her fault and he <em>hated </em>that she thought it was. He almost started to reassure her, to move past his shit and get to making sure she was okay, but then he realized that was <em>exactly </em>what Zuko was trying to get him to stop doing so he shut his mouth and moved on.</p><p>“Thank you.” They were the only words that would come out of his mouth, his shaking hands barely able to hold the embrace. “It’s not your fault I was scared, it’s just— it’s a scary thing to have to do, I guess. Even when I told Toph I’m bi, my heart was <em>pounding</em>, and she already knew I was making out with Zuko, so it didn’t even make sense, it’s just hard. But you’re all so great about it, I— it really means a lot to me. I don’t know how I got lucky enough to have you as my friends.”</p><p>“How <em>you </em>got lucky?” Katara gaped, pulling away from him. “Sokka, <em>we’re </em>the lucky ones. I might be biased because you’re my brother but you’re one of the smartest people I have ever met. Yeah, you’re annoying too, but you’re funny and passionate and if there’s anyone who was ever lucky to have a friend it was us because you’re— I don’t know what I would do without you. I don’t think any of us would.”</p><p>He was speechless. The biggest thing holding him back his entire life was the feeling that he wasn’t enough. He wasn’t a bender, he couldn’t save everyone, and his stupid focus and fidgeting stopped him from being the leader he needed to. But Katara didn’t care. None of his friends did. That wasn’t important to them because they cared about <em>him</em>. Sokka went to chew on his thumb again but Katara reached up and stopped him. She could tell he was getting anxious and he knew it. On the one hand, he was grateful that she wanted to stop him, to help him, but on the other, he wondered how long ago she’d picked up on his nervous habits and never said anything about it. Maybe it was forever, and it was only when they reached a point of intrusiveness when she intervened. Either way, he didn’t mind, and wished she would do that more often. He needed the help if he were to ever overcome his stupid issues. Sokka almost smiled at her but it didn’t quite work, and he ended up failing to get any words out, fighting every urge to lift his hand again.</p><p>It was over. Katara was the last person he really needed to come out to and the last person he was terrified of telling and it was over, and it was <em>okay</em>. She had a bit of a dramatic reaction and it was hard to work through the moment, but it was okay and she didn’t hate him and he couldn’t believe that he was so lucky to have her as a sister because he was so, so scared that she, like most other members of the Water Tribe, would find out and immediately try and kick him under the rug but she didn’t. She accepted him. She cared about him. She wanted to support him and be there for him no matter what and with everything going on between his mental health and budding relationship with Zuko, he needed that. He needed the help and the love from his friends and family and words could not express how grateful he was to have it. Words could not express anything he was feeling, actually, as he failed to get them out to the concern of his sister.</p><p>“Sokka? Are you okay?” She sounded almost confused more than concerned, furrowing her brow as she took a step closer to him again. Quickly, Sokka nodded, but still couldn’t speak, and she frowned. “Seriously, Sokka, you haven’t said anything in like five minutes. And you’re shaking really badly.”</p><p>“Am I?” That got a response from him because he was barely aware of just how drastic his shaking was until she pointed it out. Part of him felt like he should say something because as soon as he became aware of it, he realized it was like the vibrating that Toph mentioned and not just twitchy anxiety, but he didn’t. There was no reason to ruin what was currently a happy moment. Not until he realized what that vibrating was. “Sorry, I’m a little overwhelmed. I was not expecting to have this conversation today.”</p><p>“So, when were you planning to have it?” asked Katara hesitantly, as if she were afraid of his answer.</p><p>He didn’t answer immediately, not wanting to say the truth but settling for it in the end. “Kind of… never? I didn’t exactly plan to come out to anyone, it just happened every time. And honestly, I wasn’t really planning to come out, like, <em>ever</em>. Like I said, I’ve known pretty much my whole life, but I’ve only ever been with girls before, so I thought it wasn’t really relevant. Maybe I should have planned for it, though. That would’ve made this all a lot easier.”</p><p>“Yeah, it would have. But Sokka, I have to ask now because— is there anything else like that you haven’t told us? I mean, that you haven’t brought up because you didn’t think it was relevant? Because if you want to tell us anything or you think we should know, it doesn’t have to be relevant to be important.”</p><p>“No, it’s fine. I’ve—” He cut himself off suddenly. <em>No</em>. That wasn’t what Katara asked him to do. She didn’t ask him to dig himself deeper, she asked him to be honest. He swallowed hard, his next words coming out in a tumble. “Sometimes I still really want to cut myself and I just sit in my room holding the knife because I can’t get myself to put it down and before you guys came to get me I was on way too many painkillers and Dad thought I was addicted and I didn’t think it was that bad but now I can’t stop taking them and even though Dad’s been watching how many I have, sometimes I go behind his back and get more anyway because my leg really hurts and they make me feel better and I know it’s wrong but it doesn’t feel like it’s that bad and I—”</p><p>Sokka shut himself up when Katara flung her arms around him again, this time squeezing him so tightly he thought he might burst. She started babbling on about how they were going to make sure he was okay, her and their dad, but Sokka didn’t process all of the words. Not beyond the ones begging him to talk to her or their dad if he wasn’t feeling okay. He was too busy willing his tears of relief not to fall.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0062"><h2>62. Chapter Fifty-Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After an indeterminate amount of days (he felt like it was somewhere around two weeks, but he honestly couldn’t keep track anymore), Shin and Iroh finally allowed Zuko’s friends to visit him in his room. They still wouldn’t let more than one of them in at a time, but they also wouldn’t let Zuko be on his own which turned the friendly visits into what felt like a babysitting rotation. Not that Zuko had it in him to care. Everyone spent time with him in their own ways and Zuko appreciated each and every one of them for it.</p><p>Iroh was, of course, there more than anyone else. He rarely left the room and when he did, he made sure that someone else was there and Zuko would be okay without him before he vanished out the door. Zuko didn’t know if he left while he was asleep, but he didn’t think so. His uncle was always there when he went to sleep whether it was a nap or for the night, and he was always there when he awoke however long later. Most of what Iroh did when he was around was trying to help Zuko get better and urging him to eat or get more rest, but he also did his best to make him feel better. He played stupid games with him that he learned around the world, brewed an inhuman amount of tea to share, and told so many jokes and stories that Zuko didn’t think he could possibly remember them all.</p><p>Azula didn’t come around a lot but Zuko always liked it when she did. She was in control of the majority of the nation while he was on bed rest—technically Iroh was interim Fire Lord, but he was mostly doing background work so he could stay with Zuko while Azula and Mai managed the front of the house—and generally came with a question or two or ten about what to do in regard to various issues. If he even <em>started </em>to get stressed, she or Iroh would call it quits, but when he was just answering simple questions, Zuko felt so much better. Not just because he got his mind off things, but because Azula was asking <em>him </em>for advice. Sometimes she was just confirming she was doing the right things but others, she had no idea what to do and needed his help with it. There was no better time for him to receive a boost of confidence as to his abilities as Fire Lord and he thanked her every time before she left (even after their argument regarding the arts as a requirement in schools).</p><p>Ty Lee was an unexpected visitor, but he appreciated her presence nonetheless. They were friends, she confirmed when he doubted it, though they mostly knew each other through Azula and didn’t spend that much time together alone, if any at all. But Ty Lee was fun as anything and managed to make Zuko smile twice while she was in there. They bonded over their shared experiences with coming to terms with their sexualities and at a certain point, when Zuko found it to all be really overwhelming, she talked him down and reassured him that everything was okay. She was pretty freaked out when she realized she was into girls, given where they were growing up, but her friends accepted her, and she was able to accept it for herself too. Zuko felt a little better after their talk. He wanted to be confident like she was.</p><p>Aang helped a lot with his guilty and shameful feelings regarding that stuff too. When he came to visit, he sat down and asked Zuko whether he was feeling all right, then immediately launched into some stories from the air temples about how they didn’t judge anyone based on who they loved, and everyone was accepted regardless. Apparently, the monks didn’t even really have a concept of coming out because nobody even cared. You were free to love anyone, as they believed the ones who shamed each other for such a beautiful thing were the ones in the wrong. Aang seemed happy and peaceful as he told his stories. Zuko cried. His friend quickly switched the subject after a good long hug and started telling stories about Monk Gyatso, baby Appa, and cakes instead. All of it helped a lot.</p><p>Suki showed up while he was taking one of his unintentional naps, but she didn’t leave. Instead, she waited around with his uncle until he woke up, and then they got to talking. At first, it was just a lot of small talk going back and forth because he was half asleep and couldn’t think, but then in his daze he said something about Sokka and somehow they ended up both gushing about him for the remainder of her visit. Suki wasn’t interested in him like <em>that </em>anymore, since they’d drifted apart after the war and she fell for Ty Lee, but she still had endless good things to say about him and let Zuko babble for as long as he wanted. In his sleepy state, he actually didn’t realize just how much he was rambling and was pretty embarrassed by the end of it, but Suki didn’t mind. He decided he wanted to know her better.</p><p>Mai didn’t talk a whole lot when she came to see him. For a while, all she did was lie there on the bed with him which he was all right with because it was a particularly shitty afternoon and he’d refused both meals so far which made his hormones and emotions run even more laps around him. She found out about this, of course, and refused to leave him alone until he ate something, so he cracked and let her bring him a snack. It made him sick, but he didn’t care because she was being nice, and it made her happy, so he went along with it for the day. After that they just chatted for a bit while Iroh went to get more tea. Most of it was a blur, but Zuko remembered making a comment about the fact that he liked her nail polish and Mai offered to do his own nails for him sometime. He didn’t disagree.</p><p>Toph waited exactly zero seconds to come see him when Shin finally let them come in again and apparently shoved a few of their friends to the side to get in first. Zuko didn’t mind one bit, however, because she was fun, awesome, and he loved having her around. She was <em>thrilled </em>to hear he’d replaced his burning habit with the stuffed turtle duck she’d given him (something he hadn’t told anyone else because he thought it was embarrassing how comforting it was to squeeze the living shit out of the thing) and insisted that he give it a name when he revealed he didn’t have one for it yet. They went back and forth on it for a while, trying to think of something just right, and eventually he got it. Toph didn’t understand why Zuko named the turtle duck “Luie”. Iroh looked like he might cry.</p><p>Katara was a little overbearing when she arrived. She started by asking whether he was okay, and he’d actually eaten that day and was sitting up and everything, so he said “yes”. That was a mistake. Apparently, Sokka had told her about them at some point because she gave him a good spiel about treating her brother well until he ran out of oxygen from how fucking intense she was and Iroh made her stop. It was all right, though. After that she offered to give him a healing session on his arms and he actually accepted, though he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes the entire time the bandages were off. Katara was really nice about the whole thing. She didn’t judge him for it at all, though she was a little sad mentioning Sokka afterward. Zuko didn’t want to ask why.</p><p>Sokka, of course, gave his friends a chance to see Zuko first since he’d been sneaking in there all the time anyway and even snagged that trip to the courtyard. But each time he came over, Zuko felt a little less happy and a little more concerned. He loved having Sokka around, absolutely, and whenever the guy kissed his nose or his forehead, he almost <em>died </em>from how soft it made him feel. There was just one problem with it and that was that there was <em>clearly </em>something wrong with Sokka. Zuko didn’t know what it was for sure, but he suspected it was the same thing that took him so long to figure out in the first place—that Sokka was suffering from uncleaned wounds and repressed them so heavily that even he could barely acknowledge the feelings were there. Zuko tried to get him to open up about it one day but he just did the same damn thing he always did and turned the questions back around on Zuko. Was <em>he </em>okay? Was there anything <em>he </em>needed to talk about? It was annoying as all fuck but Zuko didn’t have the energy to fight it and ended up losing the argument to a confession that he’d refused another meal.</p><p>Despite that, Zuko didn’t give up completely and tried to make note of everything Sokka did so he could figure out when he was upset versus anxious versus anything else he identified and that became a mission of his. He logged everything in a special place in his mind, fixating specifically on Sokka’s mannerisms and nervous habits to figure out what he was feeling. Tapping his fingers was a restless anxiety thing, he noted, while chewing on his thumbnail was most definitely indicative of being upset or frustrated. The worst one Zuko caught was when Sokka brought some work into his room—it was all Water Tribe-related and not to do with the Fire Nation so Iroh approved it—and he noticed two concerning things. One: that Sokka was fidgeting an unending amount, pushing his hands through his hair, and chewing on his nails as tears built in his eyes until Zuko called him out it and he blinked them away as if nothing happened. And two: that during the time he was sitting there, which could not have been more than a few hours total, Sokka took at <em>least </em>three doses of painkillers.</p><p>Up to that point, he’d respected Sokka’s boundaries. He’d been in a similar place before mentally and knew that having people up in your face doesn’t help. But what he was watching there, what Sokka was doing to himself whether or not he actually recognized it, wasn’t just harmful to his mental health. It had the potential to actually <em>kill him </em>if he couldn’t get it under control. Well aware that it was awful having an audience during a confrontation, Zuko waited until the next time Iroh left the room to say anything to Sokka about it; hoping that would give him the best chance of getting through to him. It wasn’t going to be an easy conversation no matter what happened, because the guy was stubborn as shit and repressing harder than even Zuko had ever managed, but it had to happen. He couldn’t just sit there and do nothing while the boy he liked drugged himself to shit and fucked up his life forever. So, he slipped out of bed carefully, shuffling over to where Sokka was sitting at his desk. He’d made a mess of it but Zuko didn’t care. It wasn’t like they let him work on anything anyway.</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka turned to Zuko with a look of concern and confusion when he realized the Fire Lord had gotten out of bed. Zuko cursed the fact that he was still stumbling when he walked. It killed his sneaky vibe. If only he could force himself to eat more. Sokka held out a hand to Zuko, which he hesitated to take. When he did, he nearly died of a gay heart attack because Sokka slid him onto his lap and then grabbed his brush and resumed writing as if he weren’t even there. Somehow, he still managed to focus on Zuko too. “What are you doing out of bed? You know you’re still walking like an otter penguin.”</p><p>“I do <em>not </em>walk like an otter penguin,” Zuko pouted, glaring at Sokka. It was hard when he was so damn cute and focused but it was detracting from the situation at hand which got even worse as he saw Sokka up close. His entire body was shaking but not badly, and considering how warm it was in there, he had a feeling it was from the painkillers and not the heat. He took a deep breath and draped his arms around Sokka’s shoulders; sliding to block him from his work. “Sokka, you need to listen to me for a minute because I’m really worried about you right now. I’m not joking.”</p><p>“What? Why? I’m fine, I’m just working on this thing for Bato. We’re trying to build a watchtower that <em>won’t </em>get taken out by a blizzard or, well, you. You have no idea how many of those things we’ve gone through. I think I’m almost on to something here, I just have to figure out the structure of—”</p><p>“Seriously, stop, please. I’m scared.”</p><p>His eyes widened in alarm, and Zuko could <em>hear </em>his hands tapping on the desk behind him. He wondered whether Sokka even noticed he was doing it. “You’re <em>scared</em>? Why? Are you all right? Did something happen?”</p><p>“Yeah, you’ve been in here for two hours and you took like five days’ worth of painkillers.” Zuko winced, realizing instantly that his tone was too harsh but not knowing how to take it back. After the words left his mouth, Sokka’s entire face fell and he slid his arms around Zuko, who caught his hands before he could indulge in any more bad habits. “Sokka, please. Stop. Just listen to me for a minute. You’re hurting yourself. Okay? This is not good for you. How long have you been doing that for? If your leg really hurts, we can talk to Shin about it. I’m sure there’s a better way for you to deal with it.”</p><p>“No, it’s all right. I’m not— it’s not as bad as it— did I seriously take that much?”</p><p>“Yes, you did. Why would I lie about that?”</p><p>“I don’t know, I just don’t remember it.” For a second, Zuko thought he was lying, but the look on Sokka’s face was entirely genuine. He shook his head slightly, his fingers twitching to get out of Zuko’s grasp. He didn’t let up, not wanting Sokka to chew his nails down any deeper or distract himself with his work. “I mean, I know I took some because my leg hurts, but I didn’t— I was thinking about what I was working on. I guess I wasn’t paying attention.”</p><p>“Okay, but how long have you not been paying attention for?” Zuko’s voice shook a little when he asked, and he hoped he didn’t sound quite as pathetic as he felt, but he was terrified that Sokka was really hurting himself and not even realizing. Was that even possible? Or was he just telling lies to get out of it? He pushed on, knowing it was only a matter of time before Sokka tried to turn it around on him. “Sokka, I’m serious. You could really hurt yourself if you overdose on that stuff.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know, I get it. But I’m not doing that, so can you just relax? And let go of my hands because it’s nice but I really need to finish this.”</p><p>“No, you don’t, you need to take care of yourself. Can you just talk to Shin or something? Please? She can help you take care of your leg in a way that <em>doesn’t </em>involve you getting hooked on painkillers, whether it’s intentional or not. I know you’re having a hard time, Sokka. You can act like you’re fine all you want but your problems didn’t just disappear when mine blew up.”</p><p>Sokka hesitated, his words just a <em>little </em>too loud and shaky when he finally spoke. “I need you to let go of my hands, please. Zuko. Zuko, please. I get it, okay? I fucked up. I shouldn’t have kept taking the painkillers, but you have to let go of me. Please. Zuko. <em>Fuck</em>. Just let go. Please. Let go of me.”</p><p>“Why?” asked Zuko, trying to sound out his confidence rather than the fear that shook his body. “If you’re mad at me, that’s fine, but if you’re trying to get away from me because you need to fidget then you’re not fine because doing that means you’re freaking out. I recognize it in myself and I’ve been watching it in you too and right now the way you were trying to move your hands wasn’t anxious, it was upset. Why are you doing this to yourself? Sokka, please.”</p><p>“Okay, maybe I was upset a little before because I was frustrated but now I’m anxious as shit so can you just let go of me? Seriously, Zuko. Please. I can’t fight back because your burns are still healing and I don’t want to— Please, let go. Please. You can stay on my lap you just can’t hold onto my hands anymore. <em>Please</em>.”</p><p>“But <em>why</em>? You’re not telling me why. What’s stressing you so bad? I <em>know </em>touch doesn’t make you uncomfortable, so what—”</p><p>“Because I can’t fucking focus and the way you’re holding me right now is reminding me of the way <em>she </em>was holding me and now I can’t breathe and I feel like I’m going to fucking vomit so can you just let go, <em>please</em>. I told you the truth so just let go. Please let go. Please.”</p><p>Finally, Zuko did as he was told, releasing his grip on Sokka’s hands so that he could move them freely. He fully expected the boy to try and go back to his work, or to bite off the remains of his fingernails, but he didn’t. Instead, he just slipped them onto Zuko’s lower back and rested his head on the Fire Lord’s shoulder, his chest rising and falling heavily. Zuko didn’t fight it, wrapping his own arms around Sokka to give him more comfort. The shaking got worse when Zuko started to let go, and though he was utterly silent, Sokka was holding him too tightly, his breath trembling so heavily that Zuko was almost certain he was having or was at least on the verge of another panic attack, and he felt <em>terrible </em>for causing it. Sokka asked him to move, to let go, and he ignored him; failing to recognize the seriousness of the situation until it was too late. He held on a little tighter.</p><p>Though he wanted to speak right away, to apologize for not listening and not paying attention to how uncomfortable it was for Sokka, Zuko held his tongue. Having been on the other side of the situation more times than he cared to admit, he didn’t want to get in the way of Sokka regaining the ability to breathe and instead just held him; hoping he wouldn’t be mad once he calmed down but fully expecting it to happen. Zuko did something stupid. He did something he wasn’t supposed to do. Sokka asked him, <em>begged him </em>to let go of his hands and he didn’t listen. And when he didn’t listen, when he did things he wasn’t supposed to do, people got mad. He was punished. Zuko took a deep breath and bit down on his lip when Sokka finally slid his arms away, looking up to where Zuko had yet to move from his lap.</p><p>“Sorry,” he mumbled. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I like holding your hands, just not— Toph was holding my hand. When we were on the warship. And it’s not as bad as when I get that pain in my leg but it— it felt like she was holding onto me again and I know it’s stupid because you weren’t even holding me that tightly, but it was the way you were doing it was just— sorry. It wasn’t your fault.”</p><p>“Yes, it was.” The more he thought about it, the more Zuko realized that the one constant from Sokka was that he wouldn’t talk about himself. He wouldn’t make things about himself. It was like he thought everyone in the world mattered more than him, and it was more important he help them than take care of himself or let them do it for him. “Sokka, it’s fine. I fucked up, you can blame me for that. But are you okay? I thought you were going to have a panic attack.”</p><p>“I did too, a little bit. But I’m all right, it’s not a big deal. I was just having trouble focusing and sometimes it really gets to me. It doesn’t matter. You should go back to bed.”</p><p>“You should stop trying to turn this around on me. You’re not fine because that doesn’t happen to people who are fine. I thought you were going to work on getting help. Please tell me you didn’t decide not to do that just because I made myself sick. You need to get help, Sokka, seriously. You’re already depressed and anxious and now you’re taking up substance abuse, and it’s—”</p><p>“<em>Substance abuse</em>?” Suddenly, Sokka slid back, lifting Zuko by his waist to get him off his lap. Zuko didn’t fight back, stumbling to his feet and leaning against the wall beside him as Sokka moved away. His eyes were wide with shock, his hands shaking a little more as he fell back into that same dramatic gesturing he always did when he was trying to make a point. “I’m not abusing any substances, Zuko. Fuck. I know I’ve been taking a few more than I’m supposed to, but my leg hurts and I’m trying to deal with that while I have everything else going on. And yeah, I decided to put off the whole ‘getting help’ thing but I was worried about you, all right? I couldn’t stay at the tribe while you were in a coma. I had to know if you were okay.”</p><p>“Then you understand where I’m at right now because you’re very fucking obviously not okay and you’re refusing to let me help you.” Zuko sighed deeply, watching as Sokka’s gaze fell to his feet before he said another word. Again, he felt awful for calling him out like that, but he needed the wakeup call and if Zuko had to be the one to give it to him, he would. “Sokka, please, you need to talk to someone about this. You’re not okay, you’re just repressing. And I know you think everything is going to be fine and you’ll get over it, but you won’t. That’s what I thought too and then I ended up in a <em>coma</em>. If you keep going like this, it’s going to happen to you too. You’re going to freak out about something and have a panic attack or you’ll take too many pills and next thing you know you’ll be stuck in bed just like me because you can’t be trusted to take care of yourself anymore. I’m not joking. You have to take this seriously.”</p><p>“I <em>am </em>taking this seriously and I’m <em>fine</em>.” Immediately, Zuko felt the urge to shout at him again, but he knew all too well that that was not the right way to approach the situation and made the decision not to interrupt. Sokka needed to give him more detailed points to refute if Zuko would be able to win the argument. “I already agreed to get help when I go home again, so what’s the big deal? I’m fine. I’ll admit I have some problems with focus and anxiety and the drugs and dealing with my frustration, but it doesn’t matter. The only reason <em>you </em>ended up in a coma was because you were treating your body like it was disposable. <em>I’m </em>still eating and sleeping so there’s no reason for my body to shit out on me the way yours did.”</p><p>“Except there <em>is</em> because you’re abusing your painkillers and if you keep doing that, it’s going to kill you. I know it’s just herbs and shit, but you’re not supposed to take that much of it, Sokka. That stuff can hurt you, that’s why you’re only supposed to take it once or twice a day. If you keep taking it the way you’re taking it now, you’re going to get sicker than I am. If your leg really hurts that bad then you can talk to Shin and I’m sure she can get you a crutch or—”</p><p>“<em>No</em>. No, fuck no. No. Listen, Zuko, I know I’ve kind of avoided elaborating on it, but I told you when I was dealing with this in the first place, when the bones were still seriously broken, I was in a bad place. I have <em>never </em>been in a worse place than that and you can say what you want about what’s happening now but that was awful, and it hurt, and I can’t do that again. Yeah, I’m taking a lot of painkillers but it’s better than feeling useless and weak and I guess, yeah, I still feel like that sometimes but it’s not as bad as it was. I mean, I don’t want to hurt myself anymore—mostly—and I let people hug me and I know I’ve rejected any <em>real </em>help from them, but I already said I would go to therapy, so it doesn’t matter. I can wait a few more weeks.”</p><p>“No, you can’t. Sokka you <em>just said </em>that you’ve thought about hurting yourself. I can’t let you do that to yourself. Look at me! If you do that, you won’t be able to stop. That’s what happened to me. That’s how I ended up with this <em>shit </em>all over my arms. You can’t do that to yourself, Sokka. You—”</p><p>“I already did it!” Suddenly, Sokka shoved up his sleeves, holding his arms out for Zuko to see. He had to step forward to see what he was looking at, but his eyes went wide when he realized that across his fading scars, there were lines of smudged ink and far too many scratches. None of them appeared to have bled, not too badly, and they seemed to be from his hands and not a knife, but they were there. Zuko’s heart sank when Sokka dragged his sleeves back over his hands. “I did it, but it was just a little relapse and it’s not going to happen again because I can control it. I did control it. I don’t need help. Yeah, it got really bad for a while and it got a little bad again but I pulled it back the first time and I can pull it back again if you just stop pressuring me. I’m fine. Everything is fine. I just need space to figure this out, okay? That’s how I figured it out the first time and that’s how I’m going to figure it out again. I just need time.”</p><p>“You don’t have time, you’re <em>killing </em>yourself. Just let us help you, <em>please</em>.” Zuko stepped forward towards Sokka, but he stumbled on his step and Sokka pulled away, keeping the distance between them. He took a deep breath and leaned a hand onto his desk, his eyes turning to a look of pleading. He should’ve eaten. If he hadn’t rejected breakfast, he would’ve had the energy to fight back. “I know you think it’s your job to help everyone, but you’ve done your part. You helped everyone figure out what to do after war, you rebuilt the tribe, you’ve been taking care of me for <em>months</em>, and now it’s your turn to let us do something for you. Please. You can’t keep going like this.”</p><p>“Yes, I can, that’s what I just told you. It’s <em>fine. </em>I’ve gotten through this on my own before and I can do it again. Don’t worry about me, Zuko, please. You need to be focused on your own recovery. And do <em>not </em>say anything to anyone else about this. Please. There’s no reason to make them more worried than they already are. Just go back to bed, okay? You need to rest.”</p><p>Sokka said nothing else before he turned and ran out of the room. Zuko wanted to go after him, to stop him from hiding from his problems and making everything worse, but he lacked the energy and knew that he wouldn’t be able to catch him. Instead, he shuffled back over to his bed and crawled under the blankets, reaching around to grab the stuffed turtle duck as he curled himself into a ball. There were only two reasons he’d yet to completely blow off his bedrest and they were equally impossible to fight. The first was his complete lack of energy to the point where he <em>knew </em>he wouldn’t be able to fight off anyone who wanted to bring him back to his room and saved himself the embarrassment—which theoretically could be solved by regular meals, but he just couldn’t stomach it—and the second was, of course, his uncle. Because every time he tried to get out of bed, tried to fight what was happening and take back control, Iroh talked him down and made him feel like staying in bed was the better decision.</p><p>“I brought you lunch,” said Iroh gently, nudging a tray of rice and fruit toward him. Zuko hadn’t even heard him come in, and barely looked over his shoulder. “Please do not fight me on this, Fire Lord Zuko. You need to get your strength back.”</p><p>There was no part of Zuko that wanted to give away his last piece of control but the longer he thought about what happened with Sokka and the fact that the only thing stopping Zuko from helping was his intentional, self-inflicted lack of strength, the more he realized that might be exactly what he had to do. He wanted to help Sokka. He <em>needed </em>to help Sokka, and the only reason he couldn’t was because he was too damn weak to fight back on his own. If he couldn’t get the energy to do that, then Sokka might never get the push he needed to get real help. He might <em>never </em>understand why what he was doing to himself was so harmful and scary and for some reason, that terrified Zuko even more than losing the last bit of control he had in his life.</p><p>“Okay.” Zuko hesitated before pushing himself into a seated position, allowing his uncle to adjust the pillows behind him. He slid the tray onto his lap, staring at the food as he bit down on his lip. It wasn’t easy to surrender that control, to give away his last method of self-harm, but he had to. For Sokka. He took a deep breath, reaching out for the chopsticks beside the rice. “I won’t.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0063"><h2>63. Chapter Fifty-Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was right.</p><p>Zuko was right and Sokka knew it and that was the scariest part of the entire thing because up until then, he’d ignored how poorly he was treating himself. He acknowledged that he was unhappy and scared but he wouldn’t accept the fact that the <em>reason </em>he was in such a shitty place was because he was refusing to accept help. Sokka convinced himself that everything was fine, that he’d told his family enough and he could wait to go back to the tribe for real therapy, but maybe Zuko was right. Maybe he <em>wasn’t </em>okay. There were so many people who were willing to talk to him if he needed it, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to truly ask. He couldn’t bring himself to put that burden on them.</p><p>Sokka took another deep breath, not moving his fingers from where they rested on the inside of his wrist. The beats came in an irregular pattern, just as they had been for the last several minutes. He recognized since it restarted that he was back to taking more painkillers than he should have been, but it wasn’t until Zuko said the words “substance abuse” when the whole thing hit him like a wreck. Zuko was right; he was <em>killing </em>himself. He wanted to believe it wasn’t true and almost did when he tapped his wrist and realized it sounded fine, but then he checked again after dinner and realized it was beating in that same, unstable way that Toph pointed out to him before. It went on and on in a scarily irregular beat for at least fifteen minutes as he sat there listening to it, never once stabilizing. It didn’t hurt. That was the most notable part to him because he felt like that meant it was okay. That he didn’t have to tell anyone about it. He’d never gone that far before, had he? His dad knew about the drugs, but they never really talked about how badly they were affecting him physically because it was no big deal.</p><p>But then he spent another several minutes listening to that irregular beating before he went to bed and stressed himself so badly he ended up not getting any sleep at all. He completely zoned out trying to calm himself down but ended up focusing on the inconsistent thumping for what must’ve been an hour; at which point, he was <em>completely</em> freaking out and decided he needed a minute to stand up and convince himself to calm down. He paced around his room for too long and his leg began to ache, his gaze lingering on the spot where he’d hidden his extra bottle of painkillers until he cracked and took them despite how terrified he was already. It didn’t help. His leg hurt a <em>little </em>less but the most prominent effect of the medications, one which he hadn’t noticed or acknowledged until then, was that as soon as he took them, his focus was <em>fucked</em>. Within minutes, he lost the ability to stay still, his fingers tapping all over the place between him chewing his nails down to nothing.</p><p>Eventually, it hit a point where it was all too much and Sokka slid down on the floor beside his bed, holding the sides of his head as he grasped tightly onto his hair. He needed to stop. There was nothing wrong with him, he was just freaking out because Zuko got into his head and he was overthinking everything. There was no reason for him to be panicking over something that was so obviously insignificant. Except it <em>wasn’t </em>insignificant because whether or not he caused it, his heart was not fucking beating properly and that was some scary shit and both his dad <em>and </em>Katara already freaked when they found out about the drugs. Sokka closed his eyes, shoving his hands over them as he tried to block out the world and get himself to calm down enough to sleep. He managed to pull himself back into bed, but he couldn’t relax. He drifted off a few times, but awful nightmares kept waking him up within minutes. The Comet ending differently. Zuko’s breakdown ending differently. <em>His </em>issues ending differently. It was too much and after a couple hours of trying, he gave up.</p><p>He slid out of bed, not bothering to put on a shirt or shoes before he left his room, hoping that a walk around the palace would help him to relax. Unfortunately, his stupid, anxious brain wasn’t on board with the idea and continued to press two fingers against his wrist, checking on the pulse that was now beating slowly and in a nonexistent pattern. After he recognized that, it started to pound faster and he pulled his fingers away, placing the end of one into his mouth to chew as he strode down the hall to a nearby exit. Sokka walked straight outside of the palace, sitting down on the steps outside. He dropped his head down toward his knees, breathing out deeply as he closed his eyes and inhaling to absorb some of the warm evening air. It was obvious that his hands were shaking but he couldn’t stop it, and so he decided to hide it from himself instead. He pushed one hand around his waist, the other leaving a thumb in his mouth as he did everything he could to keep the tears in his eyes from falling. Even though no one was around, he wasn’t going to crack. If he cracked, it was over. If he cracked, he’d have to find out whether he was really capable of pulling it back the way he claimed.</p><p>Sokka wasn’t the person who needed help. He was <em>never </em>the person who needed help. Yeah, an occasional pick-me-up was nice, but he never talked about it when things were <em>really </em>wrong. His job, his purpose in life, was to take care of the people that he cared about, not to have them take care of him. If they sometimes told him that he was great and they needed him, he appreciated it and it certainly boosted his self-esteem. But he didn’t need <em>help</em>. He didn’t need to be watched over and talked to and taken care of the way he did for them. That was <em>his </em>job. They didn’t need to have the burden of taking care of him when all he wanted to do was protect them. The fact that Zuko had to call him out on his behavior at all was shameful and he couldn’t believe he’d made him have to do that when he <em>knew </em>how much Zuko was going through. When he <em>knew </em>he didn’t have the time nor the energy to worry about anyone else. Sokka hated himself for letting it happen.</p><p>Eyes still closed, Sokka slid his left hand around his other wrist, still not moving his thumb from where he chewed on skin around his nail. He wasn’t going to do it. He was <em>not </em>going to do it. Yes, he wanted to. Yes, he was feeling urges he’d thought were long gone, but it didn’t mean he was actually going to do anything; he was just comforted by the idea that he <em>could</em>. He took a deep breath, his hand sliding down his arm but not releasing completely. He could feel the slight ridges beneath his fingers and the stinging from where he was scratched, and it made him feel even worse. Every time he did it, it made him feel worse. Every. Single. Time. But he got addicted to it anyway until he finally reached a point where he was well enough to bury himself in his work again. When he was finally able to deal with his stress and self-hatred in a way that wasn’t physically harmful to himself. He squeezed a little bit on his arm but pulled away the second the jagged remnants of his fingers broke skin.</p><p>A tear slid down his cheek and he blamed it on the loose hairs stinging his eyes.</p><p>Not long after he barely resisted that painful, <em>horrible </em>urge, someone slid a hand around his and pulled it away from his mouth, wrapping their fingers together tightly. Sokka knew immediately who it was, and he was grateful for the fact that they would never expect nor need him to open his eyes because he wasn’t sure that he could. Instead, he just sniffed; pushing away the one tear that managed to escape and exhaling deeply. He’d done it <em>again</em>. He thought he was all right because it was the middle of the night and no one was likely to find him, but he was wrong. He was wrong and because he wasn’t careful enough, someone else thought they needed to look out for him, take care of him, and he <em>hated </em>it. He hated himself for reaching a point where his friends thought they were supposed to care for him and probably thought it was pathetic how weak he became. But Toph didn’t see it that way. She just held his hand, resting her head on his shoulder while he did everything in his power to keep from letting any more tears fall.</p><p>“You know, Sokka,” she started thoughtfully, her tone not condescending in the least, “when we first met, I thought you were pretty selfish. You ate a lot, you bossed us around with your stupid schedule, and you were so obsessed with shopping and looking good and I just didn’t get it. But then I got to know you better and I realized you’re not a selfish goofball like I thought; you’re a self<em>less </em>goofball. Honestly, it’s a little hypocritical. You spend so much time making sure that the rest of us are okay, but you don’t stop to think about yourself. That’s what started all of this, isn’t it? After the war, you were so busy trying to make sure everyone was taken care of that you didn’t look for help like the rest of us did. You didn’t talk to anyone about what happened or how you were feeling, you just bottled it up until it broke you and then you hid it for so long that I don’t even know when you cracked. It’s okay to ask us for help, Sokka. We’re your family. We’re here for you.”</p><p>“I know, but I don’t want you to be.” Immediately, Sokka flinched, knowing that wasn’t what he should have said. Yes, it was what he was feeling, but it wasn’t the right way to convey that and he feared saying that only made it worse. He couldn’t open his eyes to see Toph’s face. “No, Toph, that’s— that’s not what I meant. I just— ever since I was little, I wanted to be the one who protected the people I cared about. And yeah, Katara did a lot for me after our mom died but I… I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t want you guys to help me, it’s that when you do, I feel like I’m just a burden on you and I can’t— I can’t protect you if I can’t even protect myself. And I know I don’t have to protect you because you’re all way stronger and better than me, but I—”</p><p>“‘Better than you’? We literally would’ve died trying to stop Ozai if it weren’t for you. You might not be a bender, but you were pretty much the entire brains of our group. Which is a weird thing to say considering you’re the one who got stoned on cactus juice and climbed inside Appa’s mouth, but you literally invented war balloons and submarines and you planned everything we did to the second! You should <em>never </em>feel down about what you did for us and if you do, then you better tell me about it so I can kick your ass for making my best friend feel small.”</p><p>He couldn’t find it in him to smile, moving forward instead of accepting the praise. “It was three years ago.”</p><p>“What?” Toph’s grip loosened for a second as her tone turned to confusion. “What was three years ago?”</p><p>“When I… broke. I guess.” Everything in his mind was telling him that he needed to shut up because Toph didn’t want or need to bother with stupid things he’d done in the past, but his mouth was <em>aching </em>to talk about it when he wasn’t in the middle of a panic attack, and he failed to stop himself. “Everyone was doing stuff after the war and I could barely— I could barely even <em>move </em>because of my stupid leg and it’s so, <em>so </em>stupid but I felt like I was… weak? Worthless? I don’t know. I couldn’t help with anything I wanted to do and everyone else was so much stronger than me and better than me and I kind of just lounged around and pretended that I was happy, but I wasn’t. I skipped a lot of meals because I felt like I didn’t deserve them and then I was trying to work on some plans for rebuilding the tribe and I dropped a knife and cut myself and I was going to call Katara but then I— I didn’t— here.”</p><p>Instead of trying to explain, Sokka slid his hand around Toph’s, moving it to hold the back of her hand. He guided her palm over to his other arm, swallowing hard before he gently pressed her hand to his skin. It wasn’t exactly visible, but he knew it was there if you felt for it (he did it far more times than he’d care to admit, ashamed of what he’d done), which was what Toph had to do anyway. She said nothing for a long time, taking over from him as she dragged her hand around his arm; her fingers tracing each and every one of the lines she came across but thankfully avoiding the fresh scratches he’d avoided in moving her fingers initially. Sokka’s heart pounded hard as she did so which didn’t help at all because it only made him more aware of how weird it sounded and felt, but he couldn’t stop to think about that. Toph spoke up before his thoughts were able to wander too far.</p><p>“You haven’t— you haven’t done it again, right?” she asked quietly. Her tone was filled with fear as she held on to his forearm, and Sokka instantly felt another wave of guilt take him over. “Sokka, answer me. Tell me you haven’t done it again. Tell me you’re not doing it anymore.”</p><p>“I’m not. I stopped once I was able to walk again.” He dragged his sleeves down the second Toph pulled away. It was true, sort of. He hadn’t used the knife, so it barely even counted. There was no reason to freak her out with his stupid mistakes. “But I— I was thinking about it before you sat down. Not like— I don’t have anything on me and honestly it wouldn’t have worked anyway because I bit my nails down to nothing but I— I don’t know. I was thinking about it. I’m still thinking about it. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Sokka had no idea how he was expecting Toph to react to that information but the punch on his shoulder followed by an almost smothering hug was pretty much the most in-character thing she could have done.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Though he felt a lot better after talking to Toph, like a massive weight was lifted off his chest, Sokka didn’t feel any happier. He still felt guilty for making people worry about him over such stupid little things, and more than anything, he felt <em>awful </em>for running out on Zuko and getting them into such a horrible argument when all he was trying to do was help. So, when Toph told him to go back to bed following a long, heartfelt hug, Sokka decided to go over to Zuko’s room. There was no chance he would be awake but Sokka wanted him to know as soon as he woke up that everything was okay. That yeah, they got into a pretty big fight, but he wasn’t mad about it. He was falling back into the same habits of playing the protector and he didn’t care. Zuko was in a worse place than he was, and he needed to make sure that he was all right before he could even think about dealing with anything for himself.</p><p>Sokka was almost surprised to find that Zuko was all alone when he walked in, but he figured it wasn’t a big deal since he was pretty much sleeping fourteen hours a day at that point anyway. Iroh was working so hard to take care of him and make sure that he was okay—the guy deserved to sleep in his own bed after every long day fighting with his nephew just to get him to eat. There were a lot of times that Sokka found himself wishing he could be the one looking after Zuko, but he knew that Iroh was far closer to him than anyone else could ever be and accepted that he should only come around on occasion. Still, being back at Zuko’s side was comforting and he slid into bed without hesitation; wrapping his arms around Zuko’s curled up body as he pulled him in close, and smirking when he realized he was again clinging to the turtle duck Toph got him. It was a little singed around his fingers, Sokka noted, but that didn’t make it any less cute. Who knew a toy could be such a worthwhile investment?</p><p>Despite how much shifting happened as Sokka laid down, Zuko did not appear to wake, though he stopped stirring when Sokka pressed his forehead into the back of his neck. He couldn’t explain why he did that, there was just something so damn comforting about it and so he let himself fall into whatever position he needed. Within minutes, he drifted off, and by the time he opened his eyes, the sun was already poking in through the curtains. Sokka blinked several times and glanced around, again surprised to find that no one else was around until he noticed the tray of tea resting on the desk and realized that Iroh must’ve come in, saw Sokka was already there with Zuko, and decided to leave them alone. There was a small part of him that was glad to be alone with Zuko, but most of him was just downright embarrassed that he’d been caught snuggling with the Fire Lord. He hoped Zuko wouldn’t mind it.</p><p>Not wanting to wake Zuko but being a little caught where he lay with an arm under his torso, Sokka lifted his other hand to brush Zuko’s hair behind his ear; gently stroking the edge of his scar. He understood why Zuko didn’t like people touching him there, especially since his nerves were damaged and he couldn’t feel as well as he should have been able to, but sometimes he just wanted to let him know it was okay. Just a gentle touch, like a stroke on his cheek or a soft kiss to his temple. Something to reassure him that he could overcome the lingering fears and traumas he associated with the mark. But he wouldn’t do anything without his permission, knowing how hard it was for him to think about those things, and moved his hand away from the scar as soon as Zuko’s hair was out of his face. He didn’t wake for a few more minutes, at which point he stirred and yawned, but failed to open his eyes.</p><p>“Thokka?” he mumbled, not looking back to him. Sokka slid his other hand back around Zuko’s waist, pulling him in closer. “Ith that you?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s me.” Sokka hesitated before he went on, wanting to get straight to the point so Zuko wouldn’t have to wake up to more stress. “I’m sorry for running off yesterday. I talked to Toph last night and… you were right. I’m treating myself like shit and it’s hypocritical for me to be trying to take care of you and saying the same things don’t apply to myself.”</p><p>“It’th okay.” Zuko still didn’t open his eyes, but his fingers gripped around Sokka’s; not moving them from where they lay around his waist. “I jutht need you to take care of yourthelf too. You thaid we were going to get help together. I can’t do thith if you don’t do it with me.”</p><p>“Okay. I’m going to try harder. I promise.” He almost went on, to apologize again for what happened and explain a little more about what went down with Toph but realized that Zuko was still mostly asleep and already drifting off again. Given that neither of them were keen to have the conversation at the moment, Sokka decided to twist it to something he thought would be a little more positive as he let his own eyes close again. “You know, that lisp you get when you’re sleepy is really, really cute.”</p><p>“<em>What</em>?!” Apparently, that was <em>not </em>the right thing to say. Zuko ripped out of Sokka’s arms, his eyes widening as he wrapped his own, bandaged arms around himself, biting down on his lip so hard he drew blood. Immediately, Sokka sat up to reassure him, but kept his distance when he realized just how furiously Zuko’s chest was moving. “I don’t have a lithp.”</p><p>“Yeah, you do. You’re lisping right now.” Sokka winced, realizing the moment the words left his mouth that pressing the situation was probably <em>not </em>the right thing to do. He shook himself off, trying to push forward. “It’s okay, Zuko, seriously. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it, I just think it’s cute. That’s all. You don’t have to be ashamed of it. It’s not a bad thing.”</p><p>“Yeth, it ith. I don’t have a lithp.”</p><p>“It’s okay, Zuko, you just—”</p><p>“I <em>can’t </em>have a lithp. I don’t. I don’t— I— they taught me not to do that. I’m not thuppothed to do that anymore.” His voice was shaking badly, and Sokka swallowed hard when he realized that his lip was trembling, tears building in the corners of his fear-filled eyes. Sokka would’ve bet money his reaction was due in part to how little he’d been eating, even if he would never say it. He reached out for Zuko’s hand, but the Fire Lord didn’t move. “They— They got rid of it. I don’t have a lithp. I don’t lithp anymore. I don’t—”</p><p>That was too much. Sokka scooted forward and pulled Zuko down into his chest, tightening his grip when the other boy rested his head on his shoulder. He pushed Zuko’s hair out of his face, this time careful not to touch his scar. Zuko said nothing, just breathing deeply as his eyes stared straight ahead. The worst part about the situation wasn’t that Zuko was upset, but that he seemed downright <em>terrified </em>by the idea of himself having a lisp and based on what he was saying, Sokka knew that was for reasons he hadn’t yet heard of.</p><p>“Hey, Zuko. <em>Zuko</em>. It’s okay.” He took a second to catch his own breath, slightly overwhelmed by how fast the situation had taken a turn. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you need to calm down, all right? You’re fine. I promise, the only reason I said anything about it was because I think it’s cute. I really— I really like it. Okay? It’s okay.”</p><p>“No, it’th not.” Zuko’s arms wrapped around Sokka’s stomach, his fingers sliding off his bare back as he gripped tightly to his skin. “When I wa—wat—wath— <em>fuck</em>. I’m thorry. I’m trying, but I— I can’t—”</p><p>“Stop, Zuko, you’re okay. It’s fine. I’m not upset with you, all right? You don’t have to try and hide it. You’re good. You can talk to me.”</p><p>He sniffed, shifting as he clung to Sokka’s torso. “When I wath a child, my father uthed to thout at me becauthe I couldn’t thay my wordth right. He wanted me to thay thingth like ‘your majethty’ and ‘your highneth’ and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even— until I wath ten, I couldn’t even thay my own <em>name</em>. It wath tho bad even Athula thtopped making fun of me for it becauthe Father thouted or burned me every time I thaid thomething. <em>Every thingle day</em>.”</p><p>“Hey, it’s okay. You’re—”</p><p>“No, I thought it wath gone. I thought— I thought I got rid of it when I wath a kid but it’th thtill here and it’th awful and no wonder the people don’t trutht me if I can’t even fucking <em>talk</em>.”</p><p>“Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Zuko. No. Shit, no. I’m sorry.” Sokka leaned down and pressed a kiss to the side of Zuko’s head, sliding his arm further up his shoulders to pull him in tighter when he realized how badly he was trembling. “You’re okay, seriously. You don’t even do it that often, just when you’re really tired or upset—and that time you got drunk—but you don’t do it on a regular day. I promise. Nobody is mad at you for it. <em>I’m</em> definitely not. Like I said, the only reason I even brought it up is because I think it’s really cute.”</p><p>“You think it’th <em>cute</em>?” Zuko pulled away from him, not moving back further when Sokka reached out to brush away a tear that rolled down his right cheek. The look on his face was nothing less than shocked, staring at Sokka as if he’d just announced he’d been an otter penguin all along. “It’th an embarrathment to the nathion!”</p><p>It physically hurt when Sokka had to realize that those were the words Ozai said to him. He reached forward and gave Zuko’s hands the softest squeeze, careful not to press his burns too far. “No, it’s definitely cute.”</p><p>For a long several seconds, Zuko didn’t move. He just stared at Sokka in complete and utter silence, leaving him wishing he were a mind-reader because either Zuko was seriously upset with him or he was just really stunned that someone thought he was cute. Which didn’t seem likely considering he was pretty much the cutest human being alive, but he understood why Zuko might not think that about himself. Without knowing how he felt about the situation, however, Sokka was unable to formulate any sort of a response and ended up just sitting there awkwardly, holding on to Zuko’s hands as he waited for him to explain how he felt. What he was not expecting was that the Fire Lord’s response would <em>not </em>come in the form of words.</p><p>Zuko released his grip on Sokka’s hands suddenly, throwing his own on either side of Sokka’s face as he moved in for what was definitively the <em>least </em>gentle of their kisses thus far. Sokka nearly fell over from the surprise and force of it but managed to keep himself upright; moving his hands to Zuko’s lower back as he returned the passionate gesture. It wasn’t exactly how he intended to be spending his morning, consoling Zuko over his childhood abuse and then making out presumably because he’d called one of his biggest insecurities “cute”, but Sokka was in no place to complain. He pulled Zuko closer to him, never parting their lips as they slid into a position remarkably similar to the first time they’d kissed on the training room floor. Zuko’s legs draped on either side of Sokka’s waist as he moved onto his lap, his hands tugging gently on the edges of Sokka’s loose hair. Sokka kept his own grip around Zuko’s hips, trying to ignore the fact that he could very definitively feel his ribs when he slid his fingers upward. <em>He’s trying</em>, Sokka reminded himself, <em>don’t punish him for that</em>.</p><p>Somehow, they ended up flipping over so Zuko was lying on his back with his head sinking into the pillows; Sokka on his knees straddling him as Zuko lifted his arms to wrap around the other boy’s neck. Though it was never something he’d thought about doing before and gave up on once after a mediocre go with Suki, there was something about the way Sokka tapped his tongue to Zuko’s bottom lip that made him smile every time and he couldn’t resist indulging in it. Given the situation, he wasn’t entirely sure that it was going to work, but when he got the courage to do it, he felt that same adorable smile against his lips and for a split second he thought everything was okay, but then he tasted salt and realized it wasn’t as happy as he thought. He pulled away from Zuko, his eyes wide with alarm when he saw that the Fire Lord was crying. Sokka opened his mouth to ask about it, but Zuko just shook his head, mumbling something about happiness and low blood sugar as he reached up to pull Sokka back down to his mouth. And then, <em>finally</em>, he was able to find peace in the situation.</p><p>There was no guilt in kissing Zuko anymore. They both came out to everyone they were terrified of telling. All of said people knew they liked each other, even if they were both awkward as shit and still had a hard time expressing it for themselves. Even the bits of internalized homophobia they struggled with were starting to subside. All the things that were holding them back before—being in the closet, the inability to accept their feelings, mental blocks from unspoken traumas—were gone and suddenly, everything just felt <em>right</em>. Zuko was awkward and kept almost biting his lip, Sokka had no clue what to do with his hands and they fumbled about more than was reasonable, and their hair got in each other’s faces way too many times but it turned out Zuko was ticklish as anything and the tiny giggles when Sokka’s hair brushed his jawline was somehow even cuter than the lisp that initiated the whole thing. It was a little weird, a little bumpy, but it was the best damn kiss of his life and he never wanted it to end.</p><p>Of course, they couldn’t just keep going forever and when they stopped a couple minutes later, Sokka didn’t walk away. He just laid down on the pillows beside Zuko, who shifted to rest his head on Sokka’s chest. Smiling to the Fire Lord—who was still very clearly tired and <em>definitely</em> needed something to eat—as he closed his eyes, Sokka slowly wrapped an arm around his shoulders, playing with the hair that spilled over his torso and the pillows. In all honesty, he’d never quite expected Zuko to grow his hair out, but he liked that he did. It wasn’t <em>that </em>long, and he didn’t often wear it down, but it was beautiful and soft and Sokka loved twisting his fingers around it more than anything else in the world. Not that his love for the movement was enough to keep him from stopping when the door opened several minutes later. He almost shot up but stopped when he saw that Zuko fell asleep again. Sokka sighed and accepted his defeat.</p><p>Thankfully, Iroh wasn’t awkward about the situation. He just smiled when he saw them lying there, waving to acknowledge Sokka and glancing over to Zuko, who was fast asleep on top of him. Iroh stepped over to the bed quietly, placing a plate of breakfast down on the bedside table before smiling once more and softly requesting that Sokka make sure Zuko got something to eat. Sokka agreed quickly, his thoughts racing back to when he was feeling Zuko’s ribs beneath his fingers, and he waved to Iroh as he slid back out of the room. It was weird, he realized, once they were alone again. He didn’t feel sad anymore. He wasn’t <em>happy</em>, but he didn’t feel guilty or like he deserved to hurt. He just felt okay. Comfortable. <em>Safe</em>.</p><p>Yeah, they were broken, him and Zuko. But if being broken meant feeling so loved, Sokka was kind of okay with it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0064"><h2>64. Chapter Fifty-Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The problem with self-care is that it’s not as easy as it looks.</p><p>Zuko wanted to get better. He wanted to be healthier both physically and mentally not only so he could resume his duties, but so he could be there for Sokka. There were so many good reasons for him to eat more, talk more, <em>smile </em>more and yet, as hard he tried, he couldn’t get himself to do it. For the first time in what must’ve been months, he ate breakfast <em>and </em>lunch. Well, it was a small breakfast (mainly berries with part of a pastry), and he only finished half his lunch, but he ate <em>something </em>and both he and Iroh were proud of him for that. For trying harder than he had in weeks. But it was either too much or it wasn’t enough because he couldn’t keep it up. He tried. He tried <em>so hard,</em> but he cracked as soon as dinner came around and it didn’t get better from there. He threw up several times. Felt sicker than he had in days. They wanted him to eat more and he knew he needed to try but he couldn’t. Though he’d only consumed enough food to count as one meal, if that, and didn’t hold any of it down, Zuko couldn’t bring himself to eat anything else and fell back into the same destructive habits he’d created for himself in an attempt to regain some control.</p><p>It started with refusing dinner and only escalated from there. The only reason he got away with it for that meal was because he’d done so well the rest of the day, so when he tried to refuse breakfast due to an upset stomach, Shin told him off and Iroh talked to him until he was convinced to eat another pastry. He went along with it, only because he wanted to make his uncle happy, but that was his limit. He refused lunch <em>and </em>dinner, again citing an upset stomach. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to eat—he really did, he wanted to get better—but that <em>his body </em>didn’t want him to. Even Shin agreed when she checked his vitals; his blood pressure was all fucked up again and lungs sounded weird and he was way too tired and fatigued for his own good, which apparently meant reintroducing calories was <em>not </em>going well. So, he slid back further. Regardless of how many times he and others told him that he needed to eat, he couldn’t find the appetite to do it. He tried; he picked at the food, stared for longer than he should have, and assured his uncle that he was okay, but he couldn’t put it in his mouth. He couldn’t force it down when his body was doing everything to convince him he shouldn’t have it. So, after an awfully long three days of trying, he gave up again.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko, please.” It hurt to hear his uncle’s tone so sad, so helpless, but there was nothing he could do. Zuko couldn’t eat anymore. He couldn’t bring himself to do it while his body was trying so hard to get him to stop. Just the <em>idea </em>of eating anything else made him sick and he wanted more than anything to just have some time alone. He already ate a few meals that week, wasn’t it enough? “Your friends tell me you haven’t eaten anything today.”</p><p>“I ate yesterday,” Zuko mumbled. It was the worst excuse on the planet, but he couldn’t think of a better one. “I’m not hungry. Feel sick.”</p><p>That was the problem, and he didn’t know how to explain it. He wanted to get better, he was trying to get better, but his body wouldn’t let him. Logically, he knew that he should be eating, and yet everything in his mind and stomach was telling him that he shouldn’t. That he didn’t need anything to eat even though he’d had nothing since lunch the day before. He tried to fight off that stupid feeling, to convince himself that he needed to just get over it and eat but bringing any food towards his mouth made him sick and so he stayed where he lay on his side beneath the blankets, refusing to look at his uncle behind him. Even when the door opened he didn’t look up, ignoring the footsteps that moved towards the bed beside him. He knew someone was standing in front of him, but he couldn’t get himself to open his eyes nor come out from beneath the covers. He already knew who was there anyway.</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka’s voice was quiet as he dragged a hand through the hair Zuko hadn’t pulled beneath his blanket. He hated how comforting the touch was and wished he could will it away just for a little bit. Just so he could win this one battle. “I don’t want to be too pushy, but you were doing really good the last few days. We need you to keep trying. Please. It’s going to get better.”</p><p>“I am trying.” As it did far too much those days, Zuko’s tone sounded pathetic and came out in a way that made him want to kick himself. “I want to eat but I’m not hungry. I’m not. I’m serious. I just— it makes me sick. I’m not hungry.”</p><p>“The reason you’re not hungry is because you’re not eating.” He flinched when he heard Shin’s voice, wondering when she’d come in the room. Suddenly, he was extremely uncomfortable the way he was lying and shifted a bit to give his right ear more open space to listen. “You’re malnourished, dear, and it’s messed up your body. You need to eat something, but your body is not properly communicating that to you. Can you come out from the covers, please? I need to do your checkup.”</p><p>“No, you’re just going to say the same damn thing you say every day. I need more time. I don’t want to take more time, I want to go back to work and if you’ll just let me do that, I promise I’ll be better. Please. I know, I look like shit and it doesn’t seem like I’m getting any better but I’m trying really, really hard so can you just <em>please</em>—”</p><p>“No.” It wasn’t Shin who spoke and that was the only reason Zuko poked his eyes out from under the blanket. Iroh was looking to him with one of the most serious expressions he’d ever seen; his eyes laced with what couldn’t have been sadness. “You need to stay in bed and recover, my nephew. I understand that you are eager to get back to work but your health is important. There are people who care about you and want to make sure that you are okay and if you go back to work, you may fall back into your same unhealthy ways. I know you are thinking about yourself right now, but you must extend your compassion to those who care for you and are worried about your wellbeing.”</p><p>He was talking about himself. Iroh was talking about <em>himself </em>being terrified for Zuko’s wellbeing and that was why he forced himself to sit up. Not because he wanted to try and eat. Not because he wanted to give in. Because he loved his uncle more than anything else in the world and he couldn’t imagine the pain he must have been in, watching his only nephew harm himself the way he was. Zuko declined the food again, not quite ready to take it, but allowed Shin to do his checkup under the agreement that he could hold Sokka’s hand for as long as he needed to. Sokka was not about to disagree with that and quickly latched onto him, giving him a little squeeze every time Shin reported that his vitals were looking stronger or weaker and gripping the life out of him when Zuko got his bandages changed. Apparently, what little food he was eating <em>was </em>making a difference. It just wasn’t moving quickly enough for him to feel the effect, nor for him to get back to work like he wanted to.</p><p>“Okay,” Shin started after she finished her check, her tone slightly optimistic, “the good news is that you’ve started gaining more weight, but the bad news is that your body doesn’t quite know how to handle it. Your blood pressure is still high like it was yesterday and both your lungs and your heart are sounding a little off, but overall, you’re doing better. With how little you’ve been eating this is all totally expected, we just have to keep an eye on it, all right? Now, I think our next step is going to have you start talking to a therapist next week so we can get to the root of what’s causing all this. That said, the bad news is that, now you’ve been eating more, your arms are reaching a point where I can really see what’s going on and there <em>is </em>going to be some scarring. Not everywhere, but the burns around your wrists and forearms were particularly bad.”</p><p>Zuko squeezed Sokka’s hand so hard he actually flinched, but he couldn’t stop. He stared at Shin in silence, swallowing hard as she confirmed the worst of his fears. He’d marked himself <em>again</em>. Now, aside from his mother, everyone in his immediate family left a burn on his body. It was stupid to get worked up over the situation when he already knew it was going to happen but once he started, he couldn’t stop. He swallowed hard, biting down on his lip as Iroh sat on the bed beside him and Sokka grit his teeth to withstand the pain from how hard Zuko was gripping onto his hand. It took him several seconds to force out words, but when he finally did, they captured exactly what he was feeling in just one sentence.</p><p>“Those both sound like bad news to me.”</p><p>Immediately, Shin launched into an explanation about how the therapy was most definitely a good thing, Iroh trying to reassure Zuko along the way while Sokka just wore a slightly pained and guilty look on his face that Zuko couldn’t quite identify. Though he appreciated the things they were saying, Zuko struggled to believe it was all true and barely listened to it; unable to convince himself he deserved to hear the words. After all, it was his fault he’d gotten into that mess, wasn’t it? It was his fault he fucked up so badly and it was his fault he wasn’t getting any better. When they finally finished speaking to him, he requested that Iroh make more tea, if only for a minute alone with Sokka where he could drop his face into the pillows and not upset his uncle. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite go to plan.</p><p>As soon as he asked, Iroh agreed and went off to get the tea, though they still had to wait for Shin to go before Zuko could effectively flop. It only took her about a minute to pack up her things but instead of leaving the room right when she finished, she stopped. Zuko thought she was going to say something to him, possibly to add on to the therapist thing or tell him that he needed to keep eating to move in the right direction, but that wasn’t what she did at all. No, she turned her gaze to his left, over to where Sokka was sitting, and stared at him for a good several seconds before she finally spoke, her tone flat.</p><p>“Everything all right with you there, kid?” she asked. Clearly confused, Sokka nodded, a strange look on his face. “You’re shaking pretty badly.”</p><p>Sokka glanced down to his hands, one of which was still gripping Zuko’s. “No, yeah, I’m fine. I was just getting a little stressed there. Thanks, though.”</p><p>“All right. But you know you can come and talk to me if you need it? Don’t need two sick teenagers on our hands, do we?”</p><p>Neither of them so much as smiled at the comment before the physician left the room. Zuko hadn’t realized it until she said something, but Sokka <em>was </em>shaking again. It wasn’t anxiety shaking, but that soft, almost vibrating feeling that he’d noticed before. He looked up to Sokka, almost instinctively asking whether he was okay, but Sokka cut him off before he could get the words out, nodding quickly. Zuko wasn’t sure whether he really believed that Sokka was okay, but he didn’t know what else he could do, so he just leaned against Sokka’s shoulder and squeezed his cold hand a little tighter, hoping he would understand that Zuko was there for him.</p><p>(It kind of looked like he did, but he didn’t say a word to confirm it.)</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>There were a lot of things that Zuko never expected to do that ended up happening, but the strangest of them all occurred only that evening. Out of everything he’d done between getting banished and winning the war, between all the shit he’d pulled as a child, nothing, <em>nothing </em>could compare to the bizarre scenario he found himself in just then. Sitting upright in his bed, a slightly uncomfortable look on his face as Mai painted his nails and Ty Lee babbled about the Kyoshi Warriors. (It was during those babbles that he started to wonder how in the fuck he’d never noticed that she was gay before. Clearly, he was extremely unobservant.)</p><p>When the three of them first came into the room—because Azula was there too, she was just quietly sitting at his desk and working on something that Zuko <em>desperately </em>wanted to know about and help with—he wasn’t really sure what to think. He was surprised that they let three people see him at once and figured his health must’ve been even better than he thought. They talked for a little bit, catching up on everything going on, and then Mai revealed that she brought along her black nail polish and that she would do Zuko’s if he was still interested in that. He hesitated at first, not entirely sure whether he could go through with it, but Mai assured him she could also take it off if he didn’t like it, so they went all out and before he knew it, he was stuck in the middle of a girls’ slumber party; completely oblivious to half the shit they were talking about but too tired to really care.</p><p>“…and it’s like, you <em>think </em>they’re pretty, and then they take their face paint off, and it’s just—!” Ty Lee made a motion with her hands to mimic her brain exploding, a magazine still resting on one leg as she shrugged in response to the face Azula made. “Sorry, is there no one else in this room interested in girls?”</p><p>“I might be,” Azula commented, not looking up from the paper she worked on. “I just don’t care. Now that I don’t have Father telling me what to do, I’ve found that the single life is actually rather fun. Not just in the ways of romance but in the ways of not having people you <em>think</em> care about you manipulate you and not manipulating the people who actually do. Either way, you’re welcome to carry on. It’s all just background noise for me.”</p><p>“We’re not here for you, Azula.” Mai rolled her eyes, dipping the brush back into its bottle. The liquid was cold when it hit Zuko’s fingers, but he barely noticed it, too busy focusing on how gentle Mai was with his bandaged palms. “We’re here for Zuko. What are you even working on over there?”</p><p>“Honestly? I have no fucking idea. It’s all a mess. I think it’s something to do with the funding and taxes of nonprofits? It’s all sappy shit and nobody knows how to explain it without throwing in a thousand sob stories so I’m pretty much winging it here. And no, Zuko, you cannot help me. I am going to take care of this. Acting Fire Lord Azula, entirely on top of all this shit. Completely competent. You think I don’t know what I’m doing? Wrong. The only thing I don’t understand is what these other people did to make such a shit show of this.”</p><p>“Well, let me see it.” Zuko wanted to wave at her, to gesture for her to bring the stuff over for him to see, but Mai was holding onto his hand and he didn’t want to pull away and risk getting a fat line of nail polish across it. When his sister failed to respond to his request, Zuko groaned and tried again. “Azula, come on. It’s not going to kill me if you just let me look at one thing. Please? You just said you have no idea what you’re doing so let me look at it, <em>please</em>. I can help you!”</p><p>Azula hesitated for the longest time—long enough for Mai to paint three fingers—before she finally sighed and shoved her chair back, walking over to flop onto the bed beside Zuko. Mai glared at her when she did so, but it looked like it was only because she made the mattress bounce, which made Zuko bounce, which made his hand bounce, which made her almost smudge his nail polish. Azula just rolled her eyes, crossing her legs as she dropped the stack of papers on the blankets between her and her brother. Zuko didn’t wait one second before picking up the papers, thrilled to have the chance to get back to work, if only for a few minutes.</p><p>He poured over the work in front of him, Azula flipping the page whenever he asked because his hands were still in Mai’s control and she refused to give them back until she was done with every coat of polish. Zuko didn’t even know you needed more than one and was slightly annoyed at how long it took but was honestly rather fond of how it was turning out, so he didn’t say anything; just nodding along as he read through the work that Azula had been doing. The first thing he noticed was that there were a lot of ideas in the folder he didn’t recognize. He despised the first ones on the list, which thankfully had been crossed out, and the middle ones were mediocre but needed work. When he got to the end of the ideas, however, Zuko read and reread the concepts several times over because he couldn’t decide which was the best plan (and he was slightly in awe that they were all credited or partially credited to Sokka, but that was just a little gay panic on the side).</p><p>“Okay, so what I’m seeing here is that the charity people are fucking idiots,” Zuko started, “my people don’t know what the fuck they’re doing without me, and Sokka is saving everyone’s asses. Axe the first two sections, we’re not dealing with any of that shit. We’re going straight for one of Sokka’s plans, I just don’t know which one to do. See, this one benefits the charities more but I’m not sure we would really be able to fit it into the—”</p><p>“Hey, uh, sorry! Sorry.” Ty Lee started her apology after both Mai and Azula turned to glare at her, stopping as she waved her hands around and tossed her magazine to the side. “Gaydar going off here. Excuse me if I’m overstepping my lines here but Suki told me Sokka was into you. Are you into him? Because when you said his name and just then when you were looking at his plans, you had kind of like a… like a little bit of a gay panic on your face. You know? It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it but I’ve been gushing about girls for like, an hour, so if you want to talk about boys for a bit—”</p><p>“No, that’s fine.” He shook his head quickly, looking back down to the papers in front of him. He was <em>not </em>about to distract himself from his work after finally getting his hands back on it. Still, the eyes staring at him were a bit much and he couldn’t stop his mouth from running without him. “I mean, yeah, I really like him, but I just kind of figured everyone would’ve known that by now. I was out for like a month, right? I’m surprised everyone doesn’t know.”</p><p>“Well, Sokka was really damn closed about it,” said Mai, sighing deeply. “I knew you liked him—yeah, no, shut up, Ty Lee—so I tried to get him to talk about it because I wanted to know if anything happened, but he just kept saying he didn’t want to tell us anything unless he knew you were okay with it. So, no. It was a long three weeks in which we learned absolutely nothing about what was happening between you and Sokka. Care to fill us in? Or at least tell Ty Lee that you’re gay because her ‘gaydar’ is freaking out right now and I think she’s the only one you haven’t officially told.”</p><p>“Technically, it was all speculation when he told me,” Azula corrected her, “but it’s not like I didn’t already know anyway.”</p><p>“Wait, wait, wait, he <em>is </em>gay?!” Poor Ty Lee was confused as anything, trying to catch up with all the information she didn’t have. Zuko realized that she must’ve been getting all her updates on the situation through Suki, who only would’ve known how Sokka felt; leaving her clueless as to what was happening on the other end, especially if Sokka didn’t want to talk about it without Zuko’s permission. “Okay, can someone <em>please </em>catch me up on what’s happening here? I’ve known him just as long as either of— okay, I’ve known him just as long as Mai. Please tell me? Please?”</p><p>“Okay, well, he’ll probably deny it if you say anything,” started Mai, taking over before Zuko could say what he probably <em>was </em>going to deny, “but it all boils down to this: he thinks Sokka is pretty. I think they’ve made out a few times, but he won’t tell me anything aside from the fact that he thinks Sokka is the prettiest person he’s ever met and every time he sees him, he goes into a gay panic. He didn’t tell me the last part. I figured that out myself.”</p><p>“Yeah, thanks, Mai.” Zuko groaned, glancing down at the papers one more time before he admitted defeat. Just because he took a few minutes to talk about Sokka didn’t mean he was going to lose his chance to finish working on that, right? He went for it. “No, but you’re right, we’re sort of— yeah, we made out a few times. And we fall asleep on each other a lot. I don’t think that’s necessarily a good thing because I’m pretty sure it means we’re both sleep-deprived, but it’s nice. It’s really nice. <em>He’s </em>really nice. And Mai already said it so I guess I might as well admit that I think he’s pretty. He’s really, really pretty.”</p><p>“I know, right?!” While Mai and Azula only rolled their eyes, Ty Lee threw her hands up dramatically. “That’s the first thing I said when we met him. Do you remember, Mai? I thought he was pretty cute and I’m a lesbian. <em>That </em>is a cute guy.”</p><p>“You’re not wrong, but I’ve never actually called him cute, I just said he’s pretty. Mostly when I was drunk. Couple times when I wasn’t. He calls <em>me </em>cute a lot, though. I don’t get it. I have this ugly ass scar on my face and another on my stomach and apparently— apparently I’m going to end up with more on my arms, and… that’s not cute, that’s scary. That makes little kids run away.”</p><p>“Zuko, your newest coping mechanism is to squeeze the daylights out of a stuffed animal,” said Mai, her tone flat. “That’s pretty damn cute.”</p><p>Though he wanted to go back to working, to resist the urge to continue that stupid, pointless conversation, Zuko couldn’t stop himself and immediately shot back that he was not fucking cute, to which the girls decided to go all out and tease him about the fact that he was <em>definitely</em> cute. Even Azula got in on it, citing his “adorable” nicknames (all of which were started by her, like “Twinkie” and “Zuzu”), his love for animals, and embarrassing stories from when he was a kid that he<em> really</em> didn’t want brought up again. It was annoying but it was fun and somehow, it all circled back around to Sokka and if only because it was late and he was awful at staying up past a certain hour, they got Zuko to gush about him for a good twenty minutes before he finally passed out. He didn’t know when exactly it went from them trying to cheer him up following the revelation about his new scars—because that <em>was</em> why they were there, he got them to admit to it—to an all-out slumber party, but he didn’t hate it. Having someone at his side always helped him sleep, even if it was his crazy sister and her best friends.</p><p>Unfortunately, his mind was running all over the place without him, and before he knew what was happening, everything took a turn. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep talking about Sokka, and the next thing he knew, Mai was stroking his hair gently as he shook; his entire face covered with what was either sweat or tears. He was breathing heavily but he didn’t know why, and the first face he saw was Ty Lee’s which looked absolutely terrified. He didn’t know Azula was sitting beside him to the left until she reached out to touch his shoulder in a slightly stunted gesture, which was far more reassuring than it reasonably should have been. Zuko blinked several times, thoroughly embarrassed about whatever must’ve happened and not sure how to ask. Thankfully, Azula did the talking for him.</p><p>“Hey, you all right, Zuzu?” she asked quietly. It was somehow darker than when he’d fallen asleep, so it must’ve been a lot later. Worried that his words would come out weak and lisp-y, Zuko only nodded. “It was just a nightmare. And you know it doesn’t matter, right? No, he would not approve of you and Sokka, but who gives a shit? He’s in prison and he’s going to be for the rest of his miserable little life, so you do whatever makes <em>you </em>happy.”</p><p>It started coming back to him after that. The nightmare was pushed into the back of his mind, but he remembered something about talking to his father. Or rather, being berated by his father, though he couldn’t remember exactly what was said. He didn’t want to. The things Azula was saying were helping and instead of trying to remember what awful things he dreamed about or arguing that he couldn’t do what she said, he just reached up and brushed the water from his cheeks.</p><p>“And you don’t have to be super manly either,” Mai added, moving her hand from his head to his shoulder. “You’re fine. You’re still very much a guy, Zuko. Painting your nails and braiding your hair isn’t going to change that and whatever your asshole father told you, it’s not true. We’re your family, not him, and we’re going to support you in whatever kind of shit you want to do. As long as it makes you happy and you’re not hurting yourself, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.”</p><p>Suddenly, Zuko sort of <em>did </em>what to know what the fuck he was talking about in his sleep that made them feel like they needed to say those things to him, but he still couldn’t bring himself to focus on the memories. It would only make things worse and he knew it, so he just let himself listen to what his friends were telling him. He let them comfort him and when he looked to his shiny black fingernails, he tried to think of them pridefully rather than with shame.</p><p>“Also, I think it’s pretty cool that you’re the first gay Fire Lord,” said Ty Lee, from her seat at the foot of the bed. “Like, speaking as a lesbian and one of your citizens, I’m really proud to live in a nation with a gay leader since all the other… two nations… have it outlawed and kicked under the rug. You’re building a powerful and inclusive nation and I think that’s honorable. And I know that’s just my opinion but I’m pretty sure I speak for all the other lesbians out there too when I say that.”</p><p>Zuko opened his mouth to say something, to thank them all or say that he didn’t deserve it, but the question came out of his mouth before he could think of anything else; his tone confused as shit. “Okay, what the <em>fuck </em>did I say in my sleep?”</p><p>To his annoyance, the moment the girls realized that he couldn’t remember what his nightmare was about nor why they had to wake him, they refused to give him more details; not wanting him to have to remember and relive whatever he’d dreamed about. Mai urged him to go back to sleep, Ty Lee flopping down on the blanket and pillow she’d laid on the floor and Azula moving back over to the desk. Not sure he <em>could </em>go back to sleep given what just happened, Zuko just shook his head, rolling onto his back and letting himself sink deep into the pillows. For a moment he just stared up at the ceiling, no intention of going back to sleep, but then something fell on his face and everything stopped because Mai had thrown the stuffed turtle duck on top of him. He pulled it off his head, sitting up to glare at her, but Mai just placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back down to his pillows.</p><p>“Go back to sleep, Zuko,” she said. “We all know you’re not good at staying up late and we all know you’ve built a new coping mechanism around that toy so just relax, okay? You don’t have to be embarrassed or anything just because we’re here for you. All of us just want you to be okay. That’s why we’re here right now.”</p><p>“Thank you.” It was the only thing that he could get out, unable to form more words in his admittedly sleepy state. “For everything.”</p><p>Mai only smiled to him, squeezing his bicep gently as she slid out of the bed and over to a spot on the floor near Ty Lee. He watched them for a few seconds, as they whispered and messed around while talking about this and that, but he couldn’t bring himself to keep his eyes open for more than another minute. When his friends came into his room earlier, Zuko was not expecting them to stick around for long and he definitely wasn’t expecting them to talk to him like that. As kids, he was the one they poked fun at. He was the one they used as the butt of their jokes. But not anymore. They weren’t just friends. It was exactly like Mai said when she was reassuring him before, hard as it was to think about sometimes and weird as it was to know.</p><p>They were family, and he wouldn’t change a thing about it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0065"><h2>65. Chapter Fifty-Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He should have been improving.</p><p>Based on everything he’d done, he should have been getting better. He talked to Toph, he talked to Zuko, he talked to his dad, he even talked to a <em>therapist </em>and it didn’t make a difference. He understood that he wanted and needed to get better, but it wasn’t happening. He smiled and laughed more than he felt like, trying to will the happiness back into himself, yet none of it got through. Every night, by the time he was on his own getting ready for bed, Sokka was numb again. He crashed at the end of the day, his thoughts scattered in a thousand places at once. The most prevalent, reoccurring one was that which acknowledged his irregular heartbeat and constantly shaking hands; a thought which eventually convinced him to throw away the last of the painkillers he had left and refuse any more from his dad. That, he believed, should have also helped him improve, but it didn’t.</p><p>Sokka genuinely didn’t realize how much he’d come to rely on the painkillers until they were gone. He’d stabilized his stance more than he thought and his leg throbbed like shit whenever he walked, forcing him to readjust his stance to one that was far too uneven for his own good. Worse than that, he felt sore all over, his head was pounding like the worst migraine he’d ever had, he couldn’t stop twitching and fidgeting, and falling asleep became more of a dream than reality. He got a few hours each night but spent more time tossing and turning than anything else; leading him to nap too often during the day and plummeting his productivity which further decreased his mood. It was an endless, painful cycle and no matter how hard he tried, Sokka couldn’t get himself out of it. The first day was bad, the second was almost unbearable, and by the third, he was exhausted as shit and lacked the will to move. He stayed in he or Zuko’s room as much as possible, working on his plans on the floor, but he still had to attend meetings and put weight on his leg that he could barely tolerate.</p><p>It was injured. It was definitely, seriously injured, he just didn’t know what he’d done to it. The painkillers numbed the throbbing to a point where he hadn’t even noticed it for weeks, which left a thousand different openings for when or how it could’ve happened. He suspected it might have gone all the way back to when he tripped and Toph first brought his attention to the shaking and irregular heartbeat, probably getting steadily worse as he used his leg more regularly, but he didn’t know. After three nights of restless sleep and far too many naps during the day, Sokka ended up crawling into bed at Zuko’s side just for the chance to relax. The Fire Lord very clearly understood that something was wrong but for once, he didn’t ask for Sokka to elaborate. Instead, he just snuggled up to his side; Sokka burying his face in Zuko’s chest for once. He was shirtless again because it was simpler with the bandages, but his skin was surprisingly warm and finally, Sokka was able to fall asleep without two hours of tossing and turning.</p><p>He stayed with Zuko through breakfast but had to leave shortly after, having other meetings and duties to attend to. Before he could walk out, Zuko grabbed onto Sokka’s wrist and for a moment, he thought the Fire Lord wanted a kiss or something, but he was wrong. Instead of saying or doing anything else, Zuko just gave Sokka a long, reassuring look as if to ask whether there was anything he needed to talk about. Sokka forced a smile and pressed a kiss to the other boy’s forehead before he turned and slid out of the room, hoping that Zuko wouldn’t spend the day worrying about him just because he’d wanted to snuggle. His therapy was slated to start in just a couple of hours, and Sokka didn’t want to be the one getting in the way of it. He didn’t bother asking Iroh to make sure he would be okay when they crossed paths in the hall. He already knew the answer.</p><p>The first half of the day wasn’t great, but it was significantly better than the second. Sokka’s head was still pounding, his leg stinging with pain through every step that he took. His body was screaming at him to stop, to sit down, to give up and try again tomorrow, but he couldn’t convince himself to do it. He wouldn’t cancel the meetings he was supposed to be in, he wouldn’t put off work until the next day, and he wouldn’t give into the pain that shouldn’t even be there anymore. He broke his leg <em>three years ago</em> and the fact that he was still dealing with any kind of pain was pathetic. Should he have canceled the training slash physical therapy session he’d promised Katara? Yes. Was he going to give into the pain he was so sick of and actually do it? No. It was for the best anyway; Katara already told him they were going to go light and that she wanted to try another healing technique on him, so he would probably end up feeling better coming out of it. But that didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt going in.</p><p>Sokka’s leg already ached when they started, not to mention his pounding headache and the rest of his inexplicable soreness. He was hoping it would start to go away as he loosened up, having worked through plenty of sore spots before, but it wouldn’t ease up and he ended up tripping several times. Thankfully, Katara didn’t call him out on it, instead just going on with their training and extending her hand the one time he actually hit the floor. She was clearly concerned about him, asking a couple times whether his leg hurt, but Sokka lied through his teeth and said it was just a little sore. It should have been just a little sore, after all, and he realized after the third time she asked that stopping his painkillers was actually making things worse than taking them. He didn’t crack right away. He tried to convince himself that it was a bad idea, that he didn’t need them again and going back was weak, but then Katara knocked him over for the umpteenth time (because of his own lopsided stance), and his leg throbbed so badly that he could barely stand up, even with her help.</p><p>Though his leg hurt like shit and it was screaming for him to stop putting pressure on it, Sokka forced himself to walk evenly after excusing himself from the room. He told Katara he was just taking a break for the restroom and would be back in a minute, though that wasn’t really where he was going. At least, he never intended to end up there. No, when he walked out of the room, Sokka went straight for Shin’s office; knocking to make sure she wasn’t around before he slipped in and went straight over to the drawer he’d found the painkillers in before. It was fine, he convinced himself. After all, he hadn’t taken anything in three or four days, so it didn’t count as substance abuse anymore. He was just taking a responsible amount to manage his pain, which was honestly getting very out of hand. Shin approved him to take two pills twice a day, so if he wanted to have a couple because his leg was throbbing, that was okay.</p><p>He took a dozen.</p><p>Despite what it may have looked like, Sokka had no intention of hurting himself. He never had any intention of making things worse and that was why his mind started to swirl the moment he stepped out of the room. Because he’d gone talked it through with Zuko, he fought over it with himself, and he decided that he wasn’t going to take the pills anymore. He decided that he was going to get better, but he went back on it and before he knew what happened, his self-hatred swirled into a mess of disjointed thoughts of anxiety and depression and kicking himself for things he did three years ago. His leg throbbed as he walked back down the hall, one hand holding his head, and suddenly, he couldn’t do it anymore. Sokka knew that he failed. Not only did he fail himself, but he also failed the people he cared about. He took care of them after the war, the best he could, though he couldn’t even really be there for them back then because he couldn’t walk and now it was happening again, and it was his fault. His friends needed him to be stronger. They needed him to be better. And he was failing. He was failing <em>everyone</em>.</p><p>Sokka’s thoughts were so scattered that he couldn’t even remember how he got into the bathroom. All he knew was that he was sitting on the floor, a knife in one hand, staring at his wrist blankly. He hadn’t done anything yet. He wasn’t going to do anything. His friends and family needed him to be better and if he cut himself, he wasn’t going to be better. That would just make him shameful, weak, pathetic. But he deserved it, didn’t he? Everyone wanted him to stop failing the way he was, they wanted him to be stronger than he was, and he couldn’t do it. Sokka tried harder than he cared to admit given his failures, he kept people up at night trying to make him feel better, and he stressed them with his bullshit when they were already dealing with so much for themselves. They shouldn’t have to take care of him too. No one should have to take care of him and yet that seemed to be all he was making them do. It was embarrassing. Weak. The very last thing he’d ever wanted to become.</p><p>The knife barely scratched the surface of his skin before he dropped it and turned to vomit.</p><p>Given that he was in the process of expelling the entire contents of his stomach, Sokka should have been focused on that. He should have been thinking about the fact that his leg was nearing numbness from much it throbbed, how his chest was burning every time he coughed, or how awful the blood felt on his arm from where he’d scraped the outside of his wrist, but he wasn’t. All he could think about was how he failed. People were counting on him and he failed them. He failed all of them. His dad told him to ask for help and he didn’t. Zuko begged him to stop taking the pills and he couldn’t. Toph pleaded for him not to cut himself again and he did. Sokka even managed to fail himself because he told himself he wouldn’t cry, he promised himself that he would never crack like that, and yet the tears were stinging at his eyes, threatening to fall, and it took everything to convince himself it was just because he was throwing up.</p><p>By the time he finally pulled away, leaning back against the wall, Sokka’s heart was pounding so hard that he could feel the weird rhythm, and his lungs were fucked to a point where he tried to breathe but the only thing he could do was maintain an awful wheeze. He pushed his hands over his eyes to brush away the sweat and budding tears before dropping his head into his hands. All he wanted to do was get himself to calm down so he would be able to get back to Katara since she was inevitably wondering where he went. He just needed to relax and get over it because everything was fine, and he was making a big deal out of nothing like he always did. It didn’t matter. <em>He</em> didn’t matter. He was worrying his sister for no good reason and he was too fucking weak to even punish himself for it. Zuko needed help and he was detracting from that by not getting over himself. His dad was on a different continent away from his tribe because his son couldn’t take care of himself.</p><p>The fact that his thoughts were all over the place was not helping. Sokka pulled on his hair until the tie holding it split and it all spilled in his face, sticking to his sweaty cheeks. Somehow, this still didn’t deter him, and he gripped tighter to the edges of his poor hair, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he willed the tears to go away. He was fine. He didn’t need to pick up the knife again. There was no reason for him to be freaking out, especially not when he compared his situation to others’, and yet he was barely clinging to his last bit of sanity as he tried and failed to breathe. The only thing reassuring him at that point was that he hadn’t let himself cry. He wasn’t even in a bad place; yes, he was struggling to breathe, and his chest hurt like shit but he was in a palace. He was surrounded by people who loved and cared for him and to act like he had any reason to be upset when he had all that was downright ungrateful.</p><p>Somehow, Sokka managed to pull himself to his feet, leaning against the wall for several long seconds before he was able to take a step. It wasn’t just that his leg hurt anymore, it was that he was lightheaded as anything and he knew it was because he’d thrown up, but he still couldn’t convince himself to stop. Instead of going back to his room and lying down like he really should have done, Sokka pushed himself to go back to the training room. A few servants glanced at him on his way, but he was able to get back to his sister without running into anyone else. Not that it was much of an improvement, as Katara’s face fell the moment he walked back into the room. He didn’t know whether it was because he was limping, shaking, or even because he’d snapped his hair tie, but something about his appearance alarmed her to the point where she ran over to meet him halfway across the room instead of letting him walk all the way over to where they’d been practicing before.</p><p>“What happened?” she asked, her tone urgent, but gentle and filled with concern. Sokka didn’t answer, dodging her gaze when she tried to meet his eyes. He tried to push past her, to get back to training like they were before, only to stumble; caught by Katara’s hand around his arm. “Sokka, stop. You’re <em>limping</em>. Seriously, what happened? You said you were just going to the bathroom.”</p><p>“Nothing, it’s fine.” Obviously, that didn’t convince Katara, but Sokka wasn’t in the mood to fight with her. If she didn’t want to work with him, then he would just go do something else. There was a ton of paperwork that needed his attention. “Look, I don’t want to talk about it, so if you’re not going to train with me, I’m going back to my room. I have other things to work on.”</p><p>“Sokka, wait! I— oh, shit, are you bleeding?”</p><p>He opened and closed his mouth twice before he turned and bolted out of the room as fast as his fucked-up leg would take him. Of course, Katara didn’t just let him get away and followed him into the hall; trying desperately to get him to stop. He didn’t listen to a word she was saying, not wanting to have to address what happened nor bother her with his bullshit. Sokka had already worried far too many people with his stupid, insignificant problems and he was sick of it. He was sick of being the person who made everyone else feel like they had to take care of him. He was sick of being the person who needed help. Most of all, he was sick of being the person that he’d spent his entire life doing everything he could not to become. Sokka protected his friends. He protected his people. They were not supposed to be protecting him. That wasn’t how it worked. That wasn’t how things were supposed to go.</p><p>They ran into Hakoda somewhere three corridors down but Sokka didn’t stop to acknowledge him. He heard Katara talking to their dad, trying to explain what was happening when she barely understood what was happening for herself, and Sokka took the opportunity to slip away from them. If he could just get back to his room, he could lock the door and be alone. All he had to do was actually get there and since they were distracted trying to catch up on the situation, Sokka managed to duck down a different hall to take a slightly longer but less traveled path around to the guest rooms. It didn’t take long to get there all things considered, and Sokka locked the door, intending to flop down on his bed, only to freeze and make a far more impulsive decision.</p><p>Within five minutes, his entire bag was packed and slung over his shoulder. He pressed his ear to the door to make sure no one was outside before he made a run for it, heading to the nearest exit. They were sick of him. Even Sokka was sick of himself, and the fact that everyone else was forced to stand there and put up with his bullshit day after day when Zuko needed their attention more was too much. The first time he wasn’t intending to run away but that time he absolutely was. All he wanted was to get out of there, to get away from the people he was hurting day after day. He couldn’t hear their terrified voices anymore; begging and pleading for him to get better when all he could do was disappoint them again and again. If he just left, if he disappeared and didn’t come back, they wouldn’t have to do that anymore. They might miss him for a bit but then they’d get over it and they wouldn’t have to deal with him ever again.</p><p>Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t as simple as he wanted it to be and halfway down the steps out of the palace, he heard a voice call after him. His dad and sister were behind him again, standing at the top of the steps with Suki at their side. Sokka took a deep breath, biting down on his thumbnail as he spun around to face them; not moving from where he stopped at the bottom of the stairs. They could say a quick “bye” to him, but he wasn’t going to stay. He wasn’t going to go back to them when all he did was cause them pain. When all he’d done for the last several months was cause them to become upset and worried about someone who didn’t even matter half as much as they did. His dad ran the tribe, Katara was the most powerful waterbender in the world, and Suki was the strongest warrior he’d ever met. And what was Sokka? Nothing. He was just a stupid kid who daydreamed a lot and had the occasional good idea. He was nothing. He didn’t matter.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Hakoda’s tone was surprisingly gentle considering the fact that Sokka was almost fuming. “Sokka, please. We just want to help you.”</p><p>“I don’t want your help,” snapped Sokka, breathing in a shallow, wheezy breath. That was the anxiety kicking in on top of everything else. Like it couldn’t have possibly gotten any worse. “I know you’re all sick of me so I’m leaving, all right? I’m going to go and I’m going to fix this, and I’ll come back when I stop being such a piece of shit.”</p><p>“You are not a piece of shit!” Katara cried. She took a step forward, but Hakoda gestured for her to hold back, likely trying to keep them from scaring Sokka off again. “You’re our family, Sokka. You mean everything to us, and I know I speak for everyone when I say we’re not sick of you. We love you, okay? We’re not trying to help you because we feel obligated, we’re trying to help you because you’re important to us and we just want the best for you.”</p><p>“She’s right, Sokka.” Suki inched forward too but didn’t move off the top step. “I know you have a lot of problems with feeling inferior but you’re not. You mean so much to all of us. We love you. Please just let us help you.”</p><p>“No.” He shook his head quickly, sliding back another step. “You’ve already been through so much. You shouldn’t have to take care of me. I don’t <em>want</em> you to have to take care of me. I just need some time to figure this out on my own. I’m not going to be gone forever, I just— I can’t let you do this anymore. I can’t let you keep lying to me about how much you care about me and how great I am when I’m not. I’m just a failure. That’s all I keep doing and I can’t— I can’t do it anymore.”</p><p>“You’re not a failure.” Of course, it was Katara who snapped at him, her tone desperate more than anything else. She held a hand out toward him, but Sokka didn’t so much as flinch. “Just listen to me, please. I know you’re in a bad place right now but it’s okay. We love you, Sokka. So much. You’re not a failure and we’re not lying about how much we love you. You’re amazing and just because you’ve had these setbacks doesn’t mean you’re any less—”</p><p>“<em>Amazing</em>?” Sokka laughed, but it was a painful sound. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his lungs down enough to say what he needed to. “Don’t patronize me, Katara. I’m not <em>amazing </em>at all. I’m fucking pathetic. I can’t walk, I cut myself when I get upset, I— I’m addicted to fucking <em>drugs</em>. I’m— I’m addicted to drugs and hurting myself and that’s— it’s not— I’m not fucking amazing, I’m a fucking failure of a human being.”</p><p>“No, you’re not.” Suki was gentler in her tone than Katara was, but the fear was just as prominent. “I know it feels like that and I know you really hate yourself, but you are not a failure. You were traumatized, Sokka. You’ve been through so much pain and hurt with the war and everything and to blame yourself for how it affected you isn’t fair. It’s—”</p><p>“But you all went through it too and it’s not fair to make you hurt more either. It’s not fair for me to dump all this shit on you and make you suffer <em>again </em>when everything is finally starting to be okay and I— I don’t understand what you’re trying to do right now. I’m not putting this shit on you anymore. Either I’m going to leave and figure this out and I’ll come back when I stop being a pathetic fucking loser or you can make me stay and I’ll probably fucking kill myself because it’s not fair to make you deal with my shit anymore. It’s not— I don’t want to die but if you won’t let me leave, I don’t know how else to stop this and I— I can’t— I can’t keep— I—”</p><p>“Sokka.” His dad took one step down the stairs, his steady gaze locking on Sokka’s shaking one. For several long seconds, he said nothing, only looking to his son with an expression filled with so much compassion, Sokka couldn’t look away. “It’s okay.”</p><p>That was it. For some reason that he could never explain, <em>that</em> was what finally broke him. He spent months, even <em>years</em> fighting back his tears and doing everything he could to keep from breaking down but there was something in his dad’s tone that was too much, too overwhelming, and he lost it. His leg gave out on him out of nowhere and he dropped to his knees, bowing his head in front of him as footsteps rushed to his side. He was physically sobbing by the time Hakoda’s arms wrapped around him, his entire body trembling as his dad pulled him into his chest. Sokka clung to the shirt which his tears were quickly soaking, his lungs burning and his fingers shaking badly as released his last bit of control and stopped trying to contain it. Hakoda said nothing as they sat there, just holding Sokka as everything he’d been keeping in for the last three years came pouring out. He didn’t know if Suki and Katara were still there but part of him hoped that they weren’t. He’d succumbed to everything he was fighting, and he didn’t want them to see his cracks finally shatter.</p><p>After what felt like forever, Hakoda finally broke the silence, saying quiet words to reassure his son who couldn’t get himself under control. He didn’t deserve it. That was the one thought running through his head over and over again because he yelled at them, he ran away from them, he failed to get better, and they were <em>still</em> acting like he deserved their love. Sokka tried to focus on his dad’s words, if only to ground himself and break the scattered thoughts filling his brain, but he couldn’t do it. No amount of attempts were enough to stop his mind from running around him and he failed to get them under control. He couldn’t get himself to focus no matter how hard he tried and that was the tiny push he didn’t need. He tightened his grip around his dad’s shirt, letting out a deep, shaking breath as sobbed into Hakoda’s shoulder. Sokka felt weak, pathetic, like he was being judged and ridiculed, but Hakoda didn’t seem to think of it like that at all. He just held onto his son, gently reassuring him that everything would be okay, even if it didn’t seem possible.</p><p>“I’m sorry I left,” he choked out, his words overshadowed by his wheezing. “And I’m sorry I lied. I was depressed after the war and I thought it got better but it didn’t, I just repressed it further and it sucks. It fucking sucks. I wanted to get better and I thought I was, but my leg hurts like shit and I felt fucking useless again and I cracked, and I wanted to hurt myself and I already kept— I kept scratching myself with my hands but I just— I barely touched my arm with the knife and I felt so sick and ashamed that I threw up and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t be better.”</p><p>“No, hey.” Hakoda squeezed his shoulders a little tighter, pulling Sokka deep into his chest. He felt like he was five years old again and he hated it, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. “Sokka, no one expects you to be better. You are an incredible young man and you’ve already achieved more than most people do in their entire lives so you should never feel down about that, all right? The only thing I’m sad about is that you haven’t been able to ask for help. And I’m not disappointed in you for that at all. I know it’s hard, but you have to try, okay? You keep saying you’re fine, but you wanted to hurt yourself today. I’m proud of you for not going farther but if you get the urge to do that again, I need you to come find me or Katara instead, all right? We want to help you. You’re not a burden, I promise. Sokka? Are you okay?”</p><p>He couldn’t get any words out. He was shaking too badly, unable to breathe, and it felt like there was something crushing his lungs beneath its weight. His entire chest burned, and the pain was too great for him to speak through. Sokka tried to take a deep breath, to get the pain to subside, but it didn’t work. It took several more attempts and his dad’s almost terrified pleading for him to respond through his wheezing before he finally managed to say anything.</p><p>“My chest hurts.” The words came out as barely more than a squeak, but it was the best he could muster. He took another deep breath and forced out the rest before his dad could respond. “It’s not— I don’t think it’s because I can’t breathe. I mean, I can’t, but it— it burns. <em>Shit</em>, it burns.”</p><p>“You’re all right.” Though he said the words, Hakoda’s tone sounded scared and concerned and Sokka knew it was only a matter of time before he declared they should see the physician. “It’s okay, you just have to breathe. Try and breathe with me, okay? Once you stop hyperventilating, the pain will start to go away.”</p><p>Sokka shook his head. “No. No, it won’t, because I lied again. I lied to everyone and Zuko knew it and I tried to listen, but I fucked up and I think I made it worse and I think he was right. I think— I think I’m killing myself. <em>Agh</em>.”</p><p>“Wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about? Sokka, answer me. You have to tell me what’s going on. What do you mean you think you’re killing yourself? What did you do? What happened? Sokka.”</p><p>“I was on— I took more painkillers again. Ow, <em>shit</em>.” He could barely talk let alone get up the courage to admit to what he did, but he knew he didn’t have a choice anymore. It hurt to even breathe and if he wasn’t honest about what happened, it was only going to get worse. “I— I was stressed, and it hurt, and I started taking more than you said. I took— I took a lot of them. I took a lot today. At once. And I threw them up so it doesn’t matter but my heartbeat sounds weird and I can’t stop shaking and Toph pointed it out like a month ago and I should have said something, and I didn’t and I’m sorry and I stopped taking them for a few days but my head hurt and my leg was fucking throbbing and I couldn’t do it so I took more today and I freaked out and I’m— I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t breathe. I can’t— fuck, it hurts.”</p><p>“Shit, okay. Katara!” She was at their side in seconds and Sokka knew it, but he couldn’t look up to see her. He couldn’t even bring himself to open his eyes. “Here. Grab his other shoulder, I don’t want him putting weight on that leg. Come on, Sokka. We’re going to go see Zuko’s physician and make sure that you’re all right, okay? I know it hurts but you have to keep breathing. Just keep breathing.”</p><p>“<em>No</em>.” Sokka yanked away when Katara’s hand pressed against his upper arm, his chest burning as it rose and fell. The tears were still streaming down his cheeks as he pulled back, squeezing his eyes shut tighter and trying to resist his family’s grasp. “Just stop, okay? Just— Just stop. I don’t want your help anymore. I don’t—”</p><p>“Sokka, I understand this is hard for you, but we’re not doing this right now. You need help. That’s not negotiable. Come on.”</p><p>“No, stop! I can’t do this. I can’t— I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to know. I can’t. I can’t— I can’t know how bad it is. Please don’t make me do it. I can’t do it.”</p><p>“Hey.” At that point, Sokka could barely hear his dad over his own sobbing and even when he looked up, he couldn’t see him through his tears. He let out a gasping breath when Hakoda’s arms wrapped around him again, leaning back into his shoulder and not yanking away when Katara’s hand moved to his arm reassuringly. “Just keep breathing, okay? It’ll be all right. We’re here for you. Whatever happens, we’re going to get through it. I promise. Just breathe. Keep breathing. You’re all right. It’s okay.”</p><p>“It’s not. It’s not okay.” Sokka’s fingers were digging into his own arms, but his nails were so short he couldn’t do any damage beyond intense pressure. His body shook with sobs as he pressed against his dad’s shoulder, almost unaware of what he was doing. “I— I pushed myself too hard and if we talk to a healer, I— I’m either going to die or I’m not ever going to be able to do anything again and I don’t even know which is worse. I don’t— I don’t want to do this anymore. I just— I just want to be happy and I don’t know how. I don’t know how to make it stop hurting and it hurts <em>so bad</em>.”</p><p>“I know.” Hakoda squeezed Sokka’s shoulders even tighter, resting his chin on the top of his son’s head. He took a long, deep breath of his own, hesitating before he spoke another word. “Please let us help you, bud. Please. I know you’re scared but you could be seriously hurt, and we have to make sure you’re okay. Please, Sokka. For us. We love you. We really do.”</p><p>It was hard to believe, not because of anything his family had done, but because of how much Sokka hated himself. He was a failure, an addict, a <em>mess</em>, and the idea that anyone could still love him when his arms were covered in self-inflicted wounds and his head was pounding from the painkillers he knew he wasn’t supposed to take seemed impossible. But when he heard Katara sniffle beside him, when he realized how heavy his dad’s own breath had gotten, Sokka realized they were telling the truth. They were scared for <em>him</em>. Another gasping sob escaped his lips before he managed to nod, still leaning heavily against his dad.</p><p>“Thank you.” Slowly, Hakoda shifted his positioning, wrapping one arm around Sokka for support. Sokka still didn’t open his eyes, focusing on trying to get the sobs to stop. “All right, Katara’s going to support your other side, okay, bud? I don’t want you putting any more weight on that leg until we figure out what’s wrong with it. Is that okay? You think you can stand up?”</p><p>He tried to do as he was asked but it was harder than it looked. Sokka struggled to rise from where he sat, his family the only reason he didn’t fall right back down. They had to basically carry him up the stairs not because his leg ached but because his entire body felt like jelly from a lack of oxygen. Admittedly, Sokka felt absolutely helpless in that moment—Hakoda supporting his left arm and Katara on his right, while Suki walked with them and tried to reassure him—and it made all his weaknesses and insecurities move to the forefront of his brain, but he hurt too much to let them win this time. His chest was burning, and the shaking of his hands was so much that Suki reached around Katara to give him a squeeze. Sokka wanted to fight back, to tell them not to worry about him, but he stopped himself. He thought about the things he’d told Zuko and realized how much of a fat fucking hypocrite he’d been for the last several weeks.</p><p>All he ever did was tell Zuko that he needed to let people help him. Sokka wouldn’t rest until Zuko let his friends and family take care of him but he refused to do the same for himself and it was<em> awful</em>. That, he thought, was the reason he was crashing so hard. Because he knew what he needed to do, and he wasn’t doing it. He was telling Zuko on the daily that asking for help was okay. That letting his friends take care of him wasn’t weak. But then he turned around and he did the same fucking thing himself and suddenly, it made sense why Zuko wasn’t able to work with him in a codependent manner. It wasn’t because he wasn’t strong enough to do it, or that he’d chickened out, it was that Sokka wasn’t reliable enough for him to want to commit. Whether that was a conscious thought Zuko had or not didn’t matter. It was true. And as they dragged Sokka into Shin’s office, his dad lifting him on the bench like he was a child, Sokka had just one thought in his mind.</p><p>He needed to get better.</p><p>For Zuko.</p><p>For his family.</p><p>For himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0066"><h2>66. Chapter Sixty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Had anyone told Zuko what happened to Sokka, he would’ve been out of his room in an instant, whether they liked it or not. Unfortunately, the situation had presented itself so suddenly that no one thought to inform the bedridden Fire Lord that his not-quite-boyfriend was quite possibly sitting on his deathbed. No, because the people who were with Sokka were too busy to consider sharing the information and the people who were with Zuko knew absolutely nothing about it. So, instead of panicking and going to see what was happening to Sokka, Zuko remained in his room; shaking slightly as he waited for his first meeting with a therapist since he was eleven years old.</p><p>Technically, he wasn’t really supposed to have anyone else in the room with him aside from the therapist but given that therapy <em>itself </em>was a trigger for him, they made an exception and let Iroh stay at Zuko’s side for the duration of the session. He was also there with him in the morning, of course, though Sokka had been there with him for breakfast so Iroh stepped out for a bit to give them privacy. He was back in time for Zuko’s daily checkup and bandage replacing however, brewing him “calming” tea when he realized just how nervous his nephew was for his first therapy session. Because that was what Iroh kept calling it, for some reason. It wasn’t the first time Zuko had been to any kind of therapy, but his uncle <em>refused </em>to acknowledge his first therapist as a real person and continued to discount the man’s work, stating that he was more of an abuser than a helper. Zuko didn’t disagree, though he couldn’t get himself to stop thinking about the fact that he’d still succeeded in his task.</p><p>“It’s going to be okay, Fire Lord Zuko,” said Iroh, pouring himself and his nephew a fresh cup of tea. “All you have to do is be honest about how you’re feeling, and this kind woman will help you talk through it. I have already spoken to her and she understands you have a bad history with therapy so if you need to stop early or take a break, no one will be upset with you.”</p><p>“Okay.” He felt like he should say something else, but he didn’t know what. Iroh was trying so hard to support him, to help him, and all Zuko could do was feel like he was getting in the way. If it weren’t for him completely losing it, his uncle would still be happy in Ba Sing Se, running his tea shop and not worrying about all the Fire Nation shit he was having to deal with on top of Zuko’s wellbeing. He hesitated before asking about that. “Hey, you didn’t… you didn’t close the shop to come here, right?”</p><p>“No.” His uncle smiled softly as he reached over to give Zuko his fresh cup of tea, sitting down on the bed beside him. “I left it in the care of my best workers. I’m sure they’re treating it well. Why do you ask?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to make sure no one else was having their life interrupted because I— because I freaked out or whatever. You know you don’t have to stay here with me, Uncle. I mean, I want you here, I really do, but you have a life in Ba Sing Se, and you’ve already been here for… what? Like a month? It’s fine if you want to go home. I don’t want you to feel like you have to stick around just for me.”</p><p>“I’m not here because I feel like I have to be, my nephew. I’m here because I <em>want </em>to be. You mean more to me than anything else in this world and I want to make sure that you are getting the love and the care that you need. I know you sometimes feel like you’re a burden on your friends but they’re all here for you because they care about you, not because they feel like they have an obligation. Accept their love, don’t question it.”</p><p>Though a lot of Iroh’s advice didn’t quite reach Zuko the way it should have for a wide range of reasons, that one stuck to him immediately because it expressed exactly what he’d been doing for his entire life. He never knew when anyone really loved him, and his first instinct was to doubt. Why would someone <em>want </em>to care about him? Why would someone <em>want</em> to spend time with him? Why would someone <em>want</em> to write to him? Because they were his <em>friends</em>. If Zuko could see them as his friends—Toph, Aang, Katara, Suki, Ty Lee, Mai, Azula, <em>Sokka</em>—then why was it so hard to believe that they would think of him that way too? Yes, he was awkward and terrible at conversation, but he tried, and he cared, and he knew that was all that mattered to them. He was just so stuck in his own traumas that he couldn’t get past it long enough to really accept that people cared about him even when he knew that it was true. Even when they told him time and again that they loved him.</p><p>Maybe therapy wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.</p><p>That mindset lasted a good fifteen minutes through more tea and small talk with his uncle but as soon as the knock on the door happened, Zuko felt sick to his stomach and for once, it wasn’t because of his body’s recent intolerance to food. His shaking increased when the slightly shorter, aging woman walked into the room, bowing respectfully. She looked almost shocked, and it took Zuko a minute to realize that she was seeing her Fire Lord in distress for the first time. However, if that was truly what she was thinking about, she was kind enough not to comment on it as she slid Zuko’s desk chair over—to the right side of his bed, after Zuko requested she sit there despite requiring her to move the chair further—and sat down, smiling kindly as she pulled out some paper.</p><p>“Hello, Fire Lord Zuko,” she said, her voice friendly and reassuring but not sickly sweet. “My name is Tsuna. I’ve already spoken to your uncle a little bit, so we’re going to get right down into things here, okay? Would you like to ask any questions before we start? No? All right. So, before we start getting into anything else, I want to address the fact that you’ve met with a therapist before. Your uncle says you have a lot of bad memories associated with that. Do you think you’re going to be okay to talk here with me today, or would you like to try starting out real slow?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” It was the truth. What he’d done before wasn’t the same kind of therapy and he had no idea how he would respond to this, so he only shrugged; unconsciously edging closer to his Uncle Iroh. “I’ve never talked to a therapist like this before. I mean, I tried but I— the one I worked with long term, he was a— he was a speech therapist. The only mental stuff he talked about was how I didn’t care, or I didn’t try hard enough to be better. I guess I kind of proved him right.”</p><p>“Actually, I would argue that you’ve done the exact opposite because you’re here trying to get help. And that brings me to my first point. What do <em>you </em>want to get out of this? As in, what do you see the end goal being with your therapy?”</p><p>“To get back to work. I might be sick but I’m the Fire Lord. There are people out there who are depending on me.”</p><p>“So, your goal here is not to get better for yourself,” started Tsuna, her tone reaching a point that drove Zuko up the wall, “but to get better for your people?”</p><p>“Yeah. I wouldn’t even be here if they weren’t making me.”</p><p>“Okay, so I think the first thing we have to do is work on helping you understand yourself more. Something I tell all of my patients is that to get better, you have to <em>want </em>to work for that. In your opinion, what do you think is the reason you don’t want yourself to get better?”</p><p>Zuko froze. “I never said I didn’t want to get better.”</p><p>“You said that you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t being forced.” She tapped the back of her brush against her paper as the Fire Lord bit down hard on his bottom lip, curling his hands around the blanket beneath him. “That means you aren’t here for yourself, right? You’re here for the people who care about you. All things aside, all people aside, how do <em>you </em>feel about being here in therapy right now?”</p><p>He felt trapped. The first time he went to therapy—<em>speech </em>therapy, but still therapy—it wasn’t on his own terms. He was forced to go by his father who believed that he was a failure, a disappointment, not good enough, and <em>those </em>were the feelings coming back to him. The feelings that he wasn’t enough, he wasn’t worthy, he wasn’t the person he was supposed to be. Zuko always knew he would end up in therapy someday and he knew that it was his fault it happened when it did, but he didn’t want it to happen like that. He wanted it to be on his own terms, with someone that he chose and trusted. Not with a stranger, when he was still sick, sad, and teetering on the edge of malnourished. He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t prepared, and suddenly, he felt like he was suffocating. Tsuna and Iroh’s eyes staring at him, expecting an answer when all he could say was that he wasn’t good enough. It was too much.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I can’t— I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Without another glance spared to his uncle or his apparent therapist, Zuko leapt out of the bed and rushed out the door; ignoring the fact that he hadn’t left his room in days. His head was pounding, his chest felt tight, and he <em>knew </em>that he was having an anxiety attack, but he couldn’t bring himself to try and calm down. Instead, he just slid down against the wall in one of the lesser visited corridors, dropping his head into his hands. He could taste the blood on his lip, but he couldn’t get himself to stop biting on it. His breaths were getting shorter with every second and his hands shook so badly that he had to hold on to the waist of his loose, dark red shirt to keep them from moving. It was awful. Zuko knew that therapy was going to be hard and that they would make him think about things he’d repressed but they barely even started, and he was already in such a bad way that it seemed impossible to go on. He was strong enough to lead a nation, but he wasn’t strong enough to face his own past.</p><p>It wasn’t surprising in the least when Iroh sat down at his side, nor when his arms wrapped around Zuko’s shaking shoulders. He didn’t resist his uncle’s embrace, burying his face in his shoulders as the older man assured him that no one was upset with him for what happened. But it felt like they were. He said they were just proud that he was able to try, even if it was too much to keep going. But it felt like he was pathetic. He said they would be able to try again later and eventually, Zuko would feel comfortable enough to open up and talk about what he was feeling. But it felt like he would never be comfortable with it and he didn’t have the time to wait for it to happen. He didn’t have the time because he’d already been away from his position for six weeks or longer and he just <em>knew </em>the people were giving up on him. He <em>knew </em>that they were getting ready to replace him and if he couldn’t figure it out within a few days, he was done.</p><p>Zuko didn’t realize he was crying until he choked on a sob through his shallow breaths. He hated that his uncle had to comfort him but there was no one in the world who was able to talk him down from an anxiety attack the way Iroh did and he was so grateful that he was there. Holding him in his arms, reminding him to breathe, saying all the things he needed to hear. Zuko didn’t necessarily feel okay by the time he got himself back under control, but he felt better. He felt like less of a failure and more of someone who tried. Even though he hadn’t succeeded in either of his first attempts at therapy, it wasn’t the only chance he would have and once he started to feel a little better about it, a little more ready to open up, he would be able to try again and Iroh promised him that. He also promised that if Zuko wanted to talk to <em>him </em>instead of a professional, he would listen. Part of him really wanted to do that, to tell his uncle what was wrong, but honestly, he didn’t know how.</p><p>His entire life was built around the philosophy of “do now, think later”. Zuko wasn’t consciously repressing, he just didn’t deal with things when he should have because <em>thinking</em> wasn’t on his radar since he was so busy <em>doing </em>everything that came to mind. So, when someone asked him to sit down and think hard about something that hurt him, he couldn’t do it. He didn’t know how. Rather than being able to look at it from a logical standpoint and evaluating what exactly happened in his past and how each of those things affected him, he freaked out and let his emotions run his mind; each and every memory sending him further down a hole of pain and repressed feelings. So, instead of talking to his Uncle Iroh like he should have, instead of taking him up on his offer and accepting that he needed help, Zuko just clung to him a little tighter, relaxing as his uncle rubbed his back reassuringly. The worst part about the situation was feeling like a child but the best part was the undeniable sense of comfort he got each and every time his uncle helped him through an attack.</p><p>Iroh was the first person to know about his anxiety. Growing up, Zuko had a lot of little quirks that should have tipped someone off to him having an issue, but his mother always protected him until she left, and then his father forced him to hide it, so he was never able to address those quirks. He was never able to address the fact that he shook badly in crowds, struggled with eye contact, and failed at the most basic interactions thanks to a fear he couldn’t explain. Not until he’d already been banished, and he had his first anxiety attack on the ship. He’d cried from how anxious or stressed he was before but never like that and never in front of people. But that night, Zuko’s anxiety built and swirled around him during Iroh’s weekly music night until someone accidentally brushed up against him and he broke. He didn’t even yell, didn’t shout, just turned, and ran back to his quarters where he proceeded to throw up, curl himself into a ball, and sob because his heart was pounding, he couldn’t breathe, and he was pretty sure he was going to die.</p><p>Sometime after convincing himself he was literally on his deathbed, the door to his room had opened and Iroh came in, immediately rushing to his side. His uncle clearly didn’t know how to handle it at first, given that he’d never dealt with Zuko in such a state before, but he figured it out so quickly, so easily, and he talked his nephew down until the child stopped crying and regained control over his body. Later, Zuko wouldn’t remember a whole lot of the experience but he knew that when he composed himself, he was held tightly in Iroh’s arms; tears streaming down his burning cheeks. Though he hadn’t dealt with or experienced one firsthand before, Iroh recognized what an anxiety attack was and explained. Zuko cried harder and confessed that he was guilty of many of the symptoms that his uncle told him about in regard to chronic anxiety. Iroh held him tighter and told him he was guilty of nothing, only that everyone was proud of him for trying despite those awful feelings. Proud of him for coming so far when the world seemed so determined to destroy him.</p><p>That was exactly what he was doing right then as they sat in the hallway. Whispering words into Zuko’s good ear that made him feel like everything might be okay. It seemed impossible that he would be able to calm down when he was on his own but with Iroh at his side, suddenly he was able to relax. Breathe. Accept that he tried, and he couldn’t go through with it, but that didn’t mean that he failed. That didn’t mean he was any less for doing the best that he could. Yes, Zuko felt a little pathetic as a nineteen-year-old goddamn <em>Fire Lord </em>clinging to his uncle like a child, but it didn’t matter. He felt safe, loved, cared for, and when he finally pulled away, leaning back against the wall beside them and turning his bloodshot gaze to the floor, he felt okay. Iroh slid back against the wall too, giving Zuko space to breathe instead of pushing him to say anything right away. Grateful for the time to compose himself, Zuko bit down on his lip again, dragging a hand through his hair which was only half held back in a ponytail thanks to the amount of anxiou fidgeting he’d done that afternoon.</p><p>“Are you all right, Fire Lord Zuko?” asked Iroh gently, after a long minute of silence. Zuko barely nodded, sniffing as another tear slipped down his cheek. “Nobody is upset with you for this. I promise. I am so, so proud of you for trying.”</p><p>“I know.” Zuko shoved his hands over his eyes, brushing away the streams of tears that managed to escape. He took a deep breath before trying to speak again, his voice shaking on every word. “I’m thorry, I know I’m overreacting, I jutht— I think it’th my blood thugar again. I can’t fucking eat anything.”</p><p>“That’s what Shin said earlier; your body is not handling the nutrients well. It’s okay. It’s a process. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re doing better every day.”</p><p>“But the thaid my blood prethure wath really high again yethterday and I couldn’t— I kept throwing up.”</p><p>“I understand that, but you’re <em>trying</em>,” said Iroh, carefully reaching out for his nephew’s arm. Zuko didn’t resist the hug he was urged into, leaning his forehead against his uncle’s shoulder. “As long as you’re trying and your vitals stay in a range that Shin can control, it’s okay. You’re doing so well with your recovery. Nobody is blaming you for how long it takes. You should get back to bed. You must rest if you want to regain your strength.”</p><p>“I can’t—” Zuko cut himself off, sniffing as he nodded. He needed to try. One step at a time. “Okay.”</p><p>He rose to his feet slowly, allowing his uncle to wrap an arm around him both for comfort and to help steady him. Though he didn’t want to admit to it, to just pretend that he was fine, and they were overreacting, Zuko was honestly exhausted and had to admit he felt like he was sick. Having talked to Shin, it was probably because he still wasn’t eating enough thanks to his body utterly rejecting most of his food, but he was trying harder and Iroh praised him for that every day. Even when Zuko felt like he was doing worse, when he felt like he was failing, when he felt like he deserved absolutely nothing, Iroh thanked him for doing his best. Sometimes it made him smile, sometimes it made him want to break down, but it always made him feel better—<em>every damn time</em>—and there were no words that could express how thankful he was to have his uncle at his side through everything. How glad he was to finally have him home.</p><p>Zuko didn’t make it far from his room after he ran off so it shouldn’t have taken long to walk back, but they moved slowly. He had a feeling Iroh was walking slower because he knew it had been days since Zuko left his room and he didn’t want to trap him right back inside, though he knew they had to be careful as the truth behind the Fire Lord’s absence was being kept tightly under wraps. In all honesty, Zuko wasn’t pleased that anyone outside of his team knew about it at all, but he understood how hard it was to cover those things up and didn’t hold it against anyone. He nearly turned to ask his uncle if there was any chance they could have lunch in the dining room that afternoon, just to have a change of scenery for a bit but ended up getting cut off when they turned down a corridor—not the same one Zuko had come through before, as he’d taken the routes less traveled to avoid being followed—and stumbled upon a strange sight.</p><p>Sitting against one of the walls, dead silent, were Aang, Toph, Suki, and Katara. Suki had her legs crossed and stared down at the floor in front of her, while Katara’s knees were pulled tight to her chest as she glared at her own clenched fists. Aang sat next to Katara with a sad look on his face, and Toph held an expression that was almost flat and unreadable. For a split second, he thought maybe they had gotten into some kind of fight, but that didn’t make much sense considering they were still sitting beside each other in the middle of some random hallway. Except, he realized after glancing around, they <em>weren’t </em>in just some random hallway. His friends were sitting across from a door that he knew all too well. The door he’d been behind a thousand times throughout his life for everything from the common cold to injuries from an attempted assassination. It was Shin’s office and there was only one reason Suki and Katara could’ve been there. He pulled away from his uncle suddenly, stumbling slightly as he shifted his weight.</p><p>“Hey, is everything okay?” he asked, his heart already starting to race again. “What are you doing out here?”</p><p>None of them said anything for far too long, and by the time Suki finally opened her mouth, Zuko was about ready to burst. “He asked us not to say anything because he didn’t want to worry you, but Sokka is… he’s having tests done right now. I don’t know what or how many, but he’s been in there for over an hour already. We wanted to stay with him, but your physician would only let one of us be in there, and he wanted it to be Chief Hakoda.”</p><p>“What?” Zuko glanced over to the door, his breath catching in his throat. More than anything, he wanted to storm inside and see what was happening, but Iroh gave him a look which told him it was better to wait until he knew what was happening than go in there and make the situation worse. “I don’t understand. What— What happened? I just talked to him this morning and he was fine. I mean, he seemed like he was a little tired, but he wasn’t— what happened? Is he okay?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” This time it was Katara who spoke, her knuckles exaggerated from how tightly she curled her fingers into her palms. She was clearly terrified for her brother and angry that the physician wouldn’t let her be in the room to know what was going on, even if it was for the best. Before going on, Katara took a deep breath, looking up to meet Zuko’s terrified gaze. “I don’t even know what happened. I was training with him and then he said he was going to the bathroom but when he came back he was shaking really badly, and he had a cut on his arm, and then he yelled at me when I asked what was wrong, and… I don’t know. He ran off and then he tried to run away but Dad stopped him and he— he just <em>broke</em>. I’ve never seen him like that before. I was so scared.”</p><p>Aang wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “It’s all right, Katara. He’s going to be okay. I know he will.”</p><p>“But I don’t get it,” said Zuko, his hands trembling. Iroh reached out to support him again and he was unable to resist, too shaky from his lack of movement. “He was fine. I talked to him this morning and he was— why wouldn’t he just tell me if something was wrong? I should have— do you know what started it?”</p><p>“Painkillers.” Toph’s voice was flat as she kicked the floor in front of her, sweeping away something that wasn’t there. She blew her hair out of her eyes, not lifting her head as she went on. “Katara and Suki told us they couldn’t tell what Sokka was saying ‘cause they were standing pretty far away but Chief Hakoda said they had to take him to the physician because of something about painkillers. Everyone was freaking out. Aang and I found them when they were bringing them here. He was shaking so badly he couldn’t even stand up. I’ve never felt lungs struggling that hard to breathe before.”</p><p>Zuko’s heart dropped into his stomach when he realized what they were talking about. He was right when he confronted Sokka before and he hadn’t been hard enough about it. He should have pushed him more, been clearer that what he was doing was seriously harmful to himself, but he hadn’t and now Sokka was sick. It was stupid to act like it was his fault and Zuko knew it, but <em>he </em>was the one who got Sokka on the painkillers in the first place and <em>he </em>was the one who failed to convince him to stop once he found out he was abusing them. Zuko hoped beyond anything that Sokka hadn’t actually overdosed and that he was completely misinterpreting the situation, but there was almost no chance that he was. All he could really do was hope that he’d done it by accident and wasn’t genuinely intending to harm himself or worse.</p><p>“Was he—?” He didn’t manage to get the question out on the first try, leaning closer into his uncle as he longed for comfort. There was still a chance that Sokka <em>hadn’t </em>overdosed, and that he’d just finally admitted to his problem and they were making sure everything was okay. Zuko prayed to all the spirits that was true. “When you saw him, was he okay? Like, was he sick or was he just…?”</p><p>“Honestly, I don’t even know.” Katara’s voice was thick with what must’ve been sadness, fear, and frustration all rolled into one. She shook her head before she went on, sighing deeply. “I couldn’t understand a word he said. He was really freaking out and Dad wanted me and Suki to stay back so we wouldn’t overwhelm him. Like Toph said, he was shaking <em>really </em>badly, and I think he was in pain but I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened. I think something was wrong with his leg too, but Dad didn’t have time to explain. Sokka couldn’t— he couldn’t breathe. We had to take him to your physician.”</p><p>“And she didn’t tell you anything before she made you leave?” No answer, just a small shake of the head. “<em>Fuck</em>. He— wait. Did you say he was <em>running away</em>? Like actually<em> leaving</em>? Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit; he overdosed, didn’t he? That’s what your dad meant by ‘painkillers’, he fucking overdosed and I— no, Uncle, stop! It’s my fault! I knew it was going to happen and I didn’t stop it. I should have stopped it and I didn’t. I didn’t try hard enough, I—”</p><p>“What do you mean it’s your fault?” She stood up quickly, her face twisting into one of confusion, though rage stayed at the forefront. “Zuko, what did you do? What aren’t you telling us? I told you that if you hurt him—!”</p><p>“I didn’t do anything! That’s the fucking problem!” He ripped away from his uncle, stomping over to where Katara stood. Their other friends jumped up at once, Aang moving almost between him and Katara to block any kind of fight from breaking out. “He’s been doing it for a while. I don’t know how long. I caught him taking like a triple dose once and I called him on it and he said it was an accident and that he wasn’t paying attention and that he wouldn’t do it again, but he fucking lied, didn’t he? He took too many and he hurt himself and it’s my fault because I didn’t make sure he was okay.”</p><p>“This is not your fault, Fire Lord Zuko.” Iroh didn’t move closer to him and Zuko was thankful. He was so on edge, he would have pulled right away and felt awful about it afterward. “I’m sure that you did everything you could, just like your friends did for you.”</p><p>“But I <em>didn’t</em>. I should have pushed him, but I just let it go, and I— <em>fuck</em>. I have to see him. I have to—”</p><p>“No. If you go in there like this, you are only going to make things worse. I know that it’s hard, but you must give him space, my nephew. I’m sure that after Miss Shin finishes everything she needs to do, he will be happy to see you, but not now. Please, let’s just go back to your room so you can lie down. You’re shaking very badly.”</p><p>“I have to— I have to see if he’s okay,” said Zuko, blinking away the tears that built in his eyes. He couldn’t cry. Not again. “Please just let me see if he’s okay.”</p><p>“Your friends will be glad to let you know as soon as there’s news, I’m sure.” Instantly, the others nodded; their expressions almost begging him to go with his uncle so they wouldn’t have to deal with two ill friends when the focus should just be on Sokka. Zuko dropped his guard, allowing Iroh to drape his arm back around him for support—both physically and emotionally. “Thank you. I know you are worried about Sokka but you know he wants you to take care of yourself too. Everything is going to be all right. We will find out what’s going on as soon as we can but first, you must rest.”</p><p>Zuko wanted to argue. More than anything in the entire world, he wanted to go back and bust down Shin’s door. To break in and demand they tell him what was happening. But then he thought about what it was like when people tried to ask <em>him </em>questions when he was out of it, what it was like to have people surrounding you at your most vulnerable state, and he realized his uncle was right. He wanted desperately to be at Sokka’s side, but Sokka needed space. He needed time to process what was happening before he had to start explaining it to anyone else. So, instead of fighting back or ripping away like he wanted to, Zuko allowed his uncle to lead him back to his room, wishing he could’ve stayed with his friends.</p><p>Resting was pointless. He didn’t get a wink of sleep.</p>
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<a name="section0067"><h2>67. Suki's Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sokka’s breakdown was by far one of the most heartbreaking events Suki ever witnessed.</p><p>When she first got involved, she had no idea what was going on. All she knew was that Katara and Chief Hakoda were looking for Sokka and that they were worried something was wrong. They searched all over, but only found him when they went outside the palace and caught him trying to run off, all his things packed and slung over his shoulder. At first, he seemed nothing but angry and upset, like he was frustrated at the situation more than anything else, and then he cracked. Hakoda tried to reassure him and suddenly, Sokka just dropped to his knees, breaking into a state Suki had never seen him in before. He sobbed into his dad’s arms, his broken words almost unintelligible from where she and Katara stood at the top of the steps. Asked to stay back by Hakoda, they were powerless to help at first, until he suddenly called out for Katara to come over.</p><p>They had to carry Sokka up the stairs and it took everything in Suki’s power not to take him over with a hug right there. Sokka had insecurities and everyone was aware of that. Suki was no stranger to comforting him, and thought she’d seen him at his worst following his panic attack, but she was wrong. Nothing could have prepared her for the awful sight that appeared when Katara and Hakoda lifted him to his feet. Though he was usually the resident funny guy, no one could’ve guessed that if they didn’t know him. Sokka’s entire face was soaked in tears, his eyes burning red, and his lips trembling. His whole body was shaking badly, to the point where Suki couldn’t resist reaching across Katara’s shoulder to give his hand a squeeze as they carried him through the halls. He was clearly having trouble breathing as well, as his torso and head were bowed and the only sound to come out of him the whole way there were terrifyingly shallow wheezes.</p><p>Katara tried to ask what was happening but everything was moving too fast and the only answer her and Suki got out of Hakoda was something to do with painkillers. Given that it was impossible to hold any kind of coherent conversation over Sokka’s hyperventilating and their own emotions, Suki decided not to press the situation further, hoping they would know more soon. Unfortunately, that didn’t quite go to plan either because they managed to get Sokka into Shin’s office only for her to demand that two of them leave. Obviously, Katara and Suki agreed to let Hakoda be the one to stay since Sokka was still clinging to him, but that meant they had to wait out in the hall; clueless as to what was happening with their loved one. Neither of them said a word as they sat down against the wall across from the physician’s office, but Suki knew that Katara was thinking the same thing that she was. They couldn’t leave until they knew that he was okay.</p><p>It wasn’t long before Aang and Toph came along, stopping dead in their tracks when they saw Suki and Katara sitting on the floor. They filled them in on the situation with as much information as they had, and their friends sat down right beside them. Aang looked purely shocked and terrified by what happened, while Toph seemed sad and scared, admitting she’d had a conversation with Sokka recently that made her worry, but she thought he was doing better after they talked. Katara tried to get more information out of her but Toph was clearly disappointed in herself for not realizing the issues were worse than she thought and refused to talk any more. Suki convinced Katara to leave her alone, and they fell back into another long silence. More than anything, they wanted Sokka to be okay, but there was no way they could know that he would be until him or Hakoda came out of the room to tell them what was happening.</p><p>After an indeterminate amount of time, their next visitor came in the surprise form of Zuko. He was walking with his uncle, his face pale and flushed pink along with his eyes, but he stopped when he saw them. Thing escalated quickly and it turned out Suki was right in her initial guess that something had already upset Zuko because he nearly had his own breakdown trying to figure out what happened to Sokka. Given that they didn’t know, all they could do was let him in on the same information they had, which only added more because Zuko was convinced that Sokka had actually <em>overdosed</em>. That thought was too much for Suki to bear, and she was glad that Iroh was able to talk Zuko down and lead him back to his own room to rest. They already had Sokka to take care of, she couldn’t stand the thought of putting Zuko into a worse place too. She loved them both too much to see them hurting like that.</p><p>Aside from occasionally shifting in their seats, not one of them moved until the door finally slid open what must’ve been two hours later. All four of them leapt back up to their feet, eager to know what happened, and Suki’s heart dropped when she saw Sokka and his dad step out of the room. He again had an arm slung over Hakoda’s shoulder, his left leg bent completely off the ground and wrapped tightly in bandages. His eyes were still slightly pink, and he was clearly exhausted, his gaze drooping as he relied solely on his dad to keep from falling over. Suki ran over to support his other shoulder, and thankfully, he didn’t resist. It hurt to realize that Sokka was probably only accepting the help because he was too tired and too beat down to fight it anymore, so she pushed the thought from her mind. He was one of the smartest, strongest people she knew, and she believed that he could pull through; no matter what was holding him back.</p><p>“Sokka!” Katara’s tone was filled with relief as she hurried over to check on him, stopping about a foot away when she must’ve realized she might overwhelm him again. She looked to Hakoda for answers instead, her eyes welling with tears. “Is he okay?”</p><p>“I’m fine.” They were all a little surprised when Sokka spoke, the others jumping slightly and Suki turning quickly to see his face which was still slightly bowed. He swallowed hard before he went on, his voice shaking slightly. “She just wanted to check on a bunch of stuff. I’m not dying but I have to start detoxing and I— she thinks I have stress fractures because my bones didn’t heal right or something and I’ve been pushing it too hard. I, uh, I took too many painkillers to notice sooner. She said I’ll be fine and she’s going to bring in a specialist to check out my leg more thoroughly, but I’m— I’m supposed to rest. I think I’m okay with that. I’m tired.”</p><p>It was clear there was information Sokka was leaving out, but no one wanted to push him any harder, instead walking him back to his room to lie down. Aang, Toph, and Katara reluctantly waited outside again when they reached his room, once more at Hakoda’s request to not overwhelm him, but Suki helped him walk inside and get into bed. She didn’t know how many painkillers he’d taken or how long ago he’d hurt his leg again, but it was obvious it was really painful, because Hakoda ended up having to physically lift him into his bed. It was then that they revealed to her that Sokka would be back on crutches probably for the next six weeks while his leg healed and likely get a cane for life after that; information that was <em>very </em>distressing to Sokka based on the way he turned his gaze away when Hakoda mentioned it. For a moment, Suki thought he might not be able to sleep, but he closed his eyes before she was even able to leave the room. It was hard to watch and yet, she didn’t want to leave his side.</p><p>Their romantic relationship didn’t work out and that didn’t matter to her one bit. Her and Sokka had a connection much deeper than that and even if they weren’t meant to be together that way, they were <em>always </em>going to be friends and they were <em>always </em>going to be there for each other, no matter what happened. So, she stayed. Just like they’d been there for Zuko during his coma and the start of his recovery, they were going to be there for Sokka, and she would make sure of it. Within minutes of her stepping outside, leaving only Hakoda in Sokka’s room with him, she’d worked out a plan with her friends to watch over Sokka while he healed. They also agreed to keep him involved in his work and plans because while work was stress inducing for Zuko, it was a distraction for Sokka and would help him relax versus treating him like he was something to be fixed. Making him feel like he was worthless was the last thing they wanted to do, especially after having learned what happened to him following the war.</p><p>Suki’s heart literally broke in two when Toph revealed that Sokka nearly hurt himself a few days earlier and split a second time when Katara revealed he’d done it for a period in the past and she suspected the scratch on his arm was from nearly doing it again. She didn’t elaborate on it much further, confessing that Sokka hadn’t told her much of what happened, but that he’d become depressed following the war because he felt useless due to his injury and that was what started his downward spiral in the first place. <em>Three years ago</em>. That was the part that hurt the most. That Sokka had been suffering in silence for three years and he’d never felt like it was okay for him to reach out. That he’d been hurting and sad and wouldn’t say a word because he didn’t want to feel like a burden. That was why they refused to treat him like he was sick, even while he was recovering. Because Zuko needed the tough love, forcing him to face reality, but Sokka needed to pretend that he was okay. Even if he was stuck in bed or on the couch for the better part of the day because he couldn’t walk, he needed to keep himself busy or he would only get worse.</p><p>“Hey, kids, come in here for a minute.”</p><p>They all turned to look when Hakoda poked his head back out the door, his voice quiet. Katara walked into the room first, Suki and the others following behind her. Hakoda told them that Sokka was asleep and asked them to be quiet as they made their way over to the other side of the room, sitting on the floor near the window. There were still some of Sokka’s things on the floor, but they were all stacked up, like he wasn’t planning to come back for them and didn’t want to leave a mess for the servants. Suki felt a pang in her chest when she realized that was probably exactly what he was doing, given that he’d nearly run off on them that afternoon. Everyone was silent for a minute as they got comfortable, waiting to know why Hakoda wanted to talk to them. At first, Suki thought that he might be planning to talk to them about the same thing they’d just been discussing in the hall, but the truth hurt more than she was expecting.</p><p>“All right,” he started, his voice low. “I need everyone to stay calm while I talk, okay? If you have any questions I would prefer that you raise your hand rather than just interrupting because Sokka is still asleep and I want to keep this as relaxed as we can. He’s exhausted and he needs the rest, but I don’t want to leave him alone yet and I know you don’t want to wait to know what’s going on either.”</p><p>“Is he okay?” In her defense, Toph <em>had </em>lifted a hand before speaking, she just didn’t wait for Hakoda to acknowledge her.</p><p>“Yes, he’s okay. But the reason we were in there for so long was because there was a lot of stuff the physician had to check on. What he said earlier was true. He’s going to be on crutches for probably the next six or eight weeks while his leg heals because he has an active injury, like he mentioned. We think it probably started around three weeks ago but again, like he said, he didn’t notice it sooner because he was on such a heavy dose of painkillers that it numbed the pain down to nothing, which is where we might have to look into a cane after we get him detoxed and see how bad his chronic pain really is. And the problem with the painkillers, obviously, is that he was taking way more than a healthy dose. You’re never supposed to become dependent on painkillers the way he did, and that’s why he had a breakdown today. Apparently, Zuko asked him to stop taking them a few days ago and he tried to do it, but his body had come to rely on them and without that extra boost working through his system, it didn’t know what to do. So, according to him, the last three days since he stopped taking them, he hasn’t been able to sleep, he’s had a horrible headache, and because of what we now think are stress fractures, he was having a lot of trouble getting around. That’s why he walked out on you when you were training, Katara, because he was in a lot of pain and he didn’t want to admit to it. He’d already thrown out his painkillers, so he went to get more.”</p><p>Katara’s face fell as she glanced over to her brother before looking down at her feet. They all stayed silent for a few seconds, Hakoda clearly not finished with his speech but wanting to give them a moment to process the information they had. Suki was grateful for that; they’d already been given so much bad news, she didn’t know how much more she would be able to take. Unfortunately, they had to keep going or else they wouldn’t understand the full impact of what their friend was dealing with and they needed to be informed. She took a breath when Hakoda opened his mouth to go on, bracing herself for what they might learn next.</p><p>“According to what he told us, Sokka <em>was </em>planning to come straight back to you after he got the painkillers, but he ended up overdosing and freaking himself out, and that’s where this whole breakdown spiraled from. After he overdosed, he said he felt like a failure and was so ashamed that he went to cut but he stopped himself after the first scratch and threw up instead. That was actually a good thing, though, because he’s not in any immediate danger from the pills he took today. The problem is that he <em>is </em>in danger from the ones he took before and the fact that he had the urge to hurt himself at least twice this week alone. That part you already know, and I want you to be careful about it because we talked and were able to pinpoint a few things that he does that can sort of show when he’s getting anxious, like biting his nails and pacing around. Not everything is a problem, though. Simple fidgeting, tapping his fingers, stuff like that, that’s all okay because it’s part of something else he’s going to be working with a therapist on later. So, with that all settled, what I really wanted to talk to you kids about is the damage he’s caused to his body over the last few weeks.”</p><p>For the second time, he gave them a little space to think, and not one of them raised their hands for a question. Suki was too busy trying to wrap her head around the whole situation, wondering how her best friend could be going through so much without ever saying a word. She glanced over at him, watching him sleep quietly for a few seconds before she looked back to the others who seemed to be just as nervous as her. They should have been there for him. Both him and Zuko had failed to get help for themselves after the war and as their friends, they should have made sure they did it, but they didn’t, and Suki didn’t know how she could forgive herself from that. So, she did her best to let it go right there and then. She was making up for it now and she couldn’t hold it against herself for not watching out for them when she was working through so much trauma herself.</p><p>“So, when he was originally prescribed to take the painkillers, Shin told Sokka that he could take up to two pills twice a day as needed. What he told us was that he’s been taking a lot more than that and without any break days like she told him, even when I thought I was monitoring his dosage. That’s why his body got addicted to them because he didn’t give it time to buffer. Because of <em>that</em>, he started to rely on them more as a coping mechanism than anything else, and he told us he sometimes took even six or eight of them throughout the day. The problem with that is that it can really seriously mess up your body to be giving it that many supplements, and even when he stopped taking them, the damage was already done. So, what we’re dealing with now is the aftermath of that which could either be harmless or very, very bad and right now, we don’t know.  See, thanks to how many painkillers he took, Sokka is suffering from a side effect which is causing him to have an irregular heartbeat. Shin said that he seemed okay today but there’s no telling what might happen later because this is a very touchy issue. It could be harmless, we just have to keep an eye on it for a while.”</p><p>“It’s my fault.” It wasn’t until Toph said something that Suki realized she had a tear sliding down her cheek. They all turned to their friend, expressions filled with concern as Aang gave her arm a squeeze before she elaborated. “He told me he wanted to hurt himself and I knew his heart was beating weird <em>weeks </em>ago, but I— I thought I helped him with the self-harm, and I told you about how I thought he was sick, but I didn’t— I didn’t know it was such a big deal that his heart was— Sokka is going to die and it’s all my fault.”</p><p>Katara didn’t wait a second before yanking Toph into a hug and from the looks on their faces, they both needed it. Having the conversation about what happened to Zuko all those weeks ago was hard, but they all saw it coming too. There wasn’t much that came as a shock to them during that talk but the more they learned about Sokka, the more Suki realized how much she’d been missing. He was in such a terrible place with his physical health, and Hakoda hadn’t even gone into what was happening with his mental health and scars from the war. He didn’t elaborate on it either, and Suki didn’t ask him to. Knowing about Sokka’s physical health was important but she felt like the things happening in his mind were more personal, and that it was better to leave those for him to tell them about when he felt ready.</p><p>Following Toph and Katara’s lengthy, heartfelt embrace, Hakoda rushed to reassure all of them that there was nothing they should feel bad about. Sokka was keeping everything very tightly wound and none of them could know how close he was to unraveling. It was hard to not blame themselves for what happened—Katara feeling like she should have pushed her brother to speak more, Aang like he shouldn’t have kept leaving for short trips when his friends needed him, Toph like she should have spoken to someone else sooner, and Suki just wishing she’d have spent more time with him at all—but Hakoda managed to talk them all down after a good ten minutes of deep conversation. After that, he asked they all go their own ways to have dinner and sleep because they needed to take care of themselves too, even if they were worried about their friend. Somehow, they managed to listen and forced down minimal food with minimal chatter before retiring to their respective guest rooms.</p><p>The next morning, Suki was the first one who agreed to watch over Sokka, but it turned out she didn’t really need to. She stopped by the kitchens to grab a pastry on her way, hoping that Sokka wasn’t already awake or that Hakoda was waiting for her to arrive. Suki carefully knocked on the door when she got there, pushing it open gently, and stopped right there; her shoulders softening and her heart warming at the sight in front of her. When they’d left the day before, Sokka was curled up on his side in the pillows, and Hakoda was still leaning against the wall. Now, Hakoda was actually nowhere to be seen, but Sokka wasn’t alone. No, he was still in bed, lying flat on his back with his head sinking into the pillows. Resting on top of him were a sheet, a comforter, two quilts, and the Fire Lord.</p><p>Zuko was completely asleep too, curled up at Sokka’s side with his head resting on the other boy’s chest. His hair wasn’t pulled back and spilled across the both of them, finally revealing the inches he’d gotten since Suki had last seen him. His right arm was wrapped around Sokka’s waist, holding his hand above the blankets. Sokka just barely leaned into Zuko, his head tilted to rest on top of the Fire Lord’s and his gentle breaths blowing the dark hair on top of his head. In all honesty, Suki wasn’t sure how Zuko got permission to leave his own room or if he even had, but she wasn’t going to tell anyone if he hadn’t. The boys looked too happy, too peaceful for her to even consider messing it up for them. For a second, she wasn’t sure whether she should just leave or stay at their side, but she ended up not having to make that decision as Hakoda came up behind her before she could.</p><p>“Hey.” He smiled to her, raising a cup of tea as a greeting. When he went on, his voice was low so as not to disturb the boys. “Sorry I wasn’t here to trade off, I woke up and found them like that, so I went over to make sure Zuko’s Uncle Iroh knew where he was.”</p><p>“Did he?” asked Suki reluctantly, hoping they weren’t planning to wake him up.</p><p>“Not technically.” Hakoda closed the door behind him, leaning back against the wall as he looked over to the boys for a moment before going on. “Apparently he sneaked out sometime last night. Iroh didn’t know when but he wasn’t worried. He had a really good feeling he knew where he went. Wasn’t surprised in the least when I turned up at his door. Anyway, I think I’m going to stay a little longer, don’t really want to leave him yet. You’re still welcome to stick around if you want. Or I can just stay until the next person—Aang?—shows up.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind.” She followed him over to the floor where they’d been sitting the night before, leaning back against the wall facing the bed as she sighed deeply. There were a few questions she really wanted to ask, but it took her a minute to find the right way to word it. “So, I don’t want to be too forward, and if you guys aren’t ready to talk about it yet that’s okay, but… did you say Sokka’s going to see a therapist soon? You don’t have to tell me any of the details, I was just wondering because I think it would really help him to talk through his trauma with someone who knows what they’re doing.”</p><p>“Yeah, I think so too. He <em>is </em>going to talk to someone, yes, and honestly, it probably should have happened a long time ago. Not just after the war but growing up, even. When I took him back to the tribe before Zuko’s breakdown, we talked with one of Kanna’s friends and one of his biggest issues is something that’s been building up since he was a little kid. All the fidgeting, troubles with focus, disorganization, things like that. It’s all right, though. He’ll be okay.”</p><p>“Will he?” Suki’s fears took over from her filter, asking the question before she could think about how it might affect Hakoda. His face fell as he looked down to his steaming cup of tea, and he took a deep breath while she hurried to elaborate. “It’s just that you said we wouldn’t know whether the thing with his heart is dangerous for a while and… do you know what the odds are? That it’s harmless?”</p><p>“Because he’s young and it’s sporadic and not constant,” Hakoda started, looking up from his tea only to glance over at his son, “it’s more likely that it’s benign. The problem is that with his anxiety and everything going on right now, it flared up really badly, which was why his chest burned so much when he couldn’t breathe. Like I said, we just have to keep an eye on it for a while. It’s probably nothing but we can’t know for sure.”</p><p>Suki nodded. She didn’t know what else to say and decided to say nothing; allowing her gaze to drift over to where Sokka and Zuko were sleeping. They looked so quiet, so peaceful, and if it weren’t for the fact that they were both visibly exhausted, you never would have guessed they were sick. Zuko snuggled right up to Sokka’s side as they held onto each other, their fingers interlaced despite it being a slightly awkward position. Whether Sokka had woken up at all to know that Zuko was there was questionable but either way, he’d melted into the other boy, accepting his presence as if he was supposed to be there all along. Words could not express how happy Suki was that they were able to find each other, especially when they needed someone the most. Because, even though Suki hadn’t seen much of their relationship as it formed, she knew that they’d helped each other in more ways than they knew.</p><p>After Zuko’s breakdown, Shin had told them that they shouldn’t blame themselves because he was already on his way to cracking and there was really nothing they could have done aside from keep him stable for as long as they could, which they did. But one of them made some progress, one of them managed to get Zuko to smile when it seemed impossible, and that was Sokka. He joked with him, he held his hand, he talked him down; he did everything that Zuko probably didn’t even know he needed, and Suki expected nothing less. Ever since they met, Sokka was ridiculously protective and she was sure that feeling only grew with Zuko when they went from being friends to more than that, just like it had for her. But of course, being overprotective and caring too much for his friends above himself was exactly what caused Sokka’s downfall not long after Zuko’s.</p><p>Though she couldn’t prove it, Suki thoroughly believed the only reason Sokka reached the point of a breakdown because Zuko wasn’t allowed to leave his room. Again, she didn’t know what exactly happened between them leading up to their first kiss and her eventual arrival, but Zuko clearly cared for Sokka just as much as Sokka cared for him, and there was nothing he wouldn’t do for him. Based on what he’d said the day before after coming across them in the hallway, Zuko had tried his best to get Sokka to stop hurting himself but because he was stuck in his room, he couldn’t help as much as he wanted to. He hadn’t actually said anything about it, neither of them had, but Suki had a feeling that whenever Zuko tried to get him to talk, Sokka would take full advantage of the situation and just get out of there. It didn’t seem unlikely given what she knew about him.</p><p>Neither she nor Hakoda said a word for a long time, just sitting silently and keeping an eye on the boys. It was already getting late in the morning but neither of them would’ve even considered waking them up. Suki knew that Sokka was not a morning person, and though she was pretty sure Zuko was, he needed the rest he was getting by sleeping in and forcing him to get up was a terrible idea. Plus, Sokka was definitely going to be more relaxed with the Fire Lord at his side than if they made them separate. Suki was the same way once with Sokka, and she was the same way with Ty Lee now. Resting with someone you were comfortable with, with someone that you loved and trusted so much, was something that no other feeling could ever compare to. She smiled slightly as Hakoda sighed, hesitating before he broke the silence.</p><p>“They’re both really messed up, aren’t they?” he asked softly, as if looking for the perspective from one of their friends.</p><p>Suki didn’t answer right away, her gaze lifting back up to the boys just in time to see Sokka stir and pull Zuko in closer to him. They were far too cute to be legal and it took her a moment to gather her thoughts. Individually, they were broken. Zuko was stuck in a broken mindset from his childhood, and Sokka was struggling with demons he’d never managed to slay during the war. They were sick, they were sad, but together, they weren’t. Together, they were stronger, nicer, <em>better</em>, and Suki hoped that nothing would ever tear them apart. That the distance which ended up splitting her and Sokka wouldn’t claim another victim. She nodded before she spoke, turning to look at Hakoda.</p><p>“Yeah, they are,” she started, “but they make each other so happy.”</p><p>Hakoda only nodded. There was no better way to put it.</p>
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<a name="section0068"><h2>68. Chapter Sixty-One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He was crying when he woke up.</p><p>He didn’t know why he was crying, but he was. He didn’t know how he ended up in Zuko’s arms, but he liked it. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do next so instead of trying to move or get up, he buried himself deeper in Zuko’s chest, wrapping his arms around his waist and clinging to his lean back. The Fire Lord must’ve realized that he’d woken up because he responded by pulling Sokka in tighter before pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Normally, Sokka would’ve felt weak for letting the tears roll down his cheeks but for once, he decided not to fight it. He still didn’t know exactly <em>why</em> he was crying but something about it felt good, like he was finally letting go of things that had been weighing him down for <em>years</em>. And he didn’t feel guilty or embarrassed with Zuko either; just calm. Relaxed. <em>Relieved</em>.</p><p>Sokka realized as he became more alert that his leg was absolutely throbbing. It was stretched out fully and propped on a pillow though he was curled into Zuko’s arms, and he thought he must’ve kept from moving it as much as possible during his sleep, even if he wasn’t aware of it. Trying to breathe through the pain, Sokka pressed his forehead against Zuko’s shoulder, gripping tighter onto the back of his shirt. Neither of them said a word, just staying there for a while; halfway under the blankets and holding each other like they were the last hopes they had left. Maybe they were. Everyone else tried to get through to Sokka and he couldn’t listen to any of them but Zuko. Everyone else tried to get through to Zuko and somehow, Sokka was the only one who made any real progress towards getting him to smile. Something drew them together that Sokka couldn’t explain, connecting them in a way that he never could’ve imagined. He sniffed and shifted a bit in his seat, loosening his grasp on Zuko.</p><p>“Hey.” Though Sokka didn’t look up, he could feel Zuko’s fingers dragging through his hair. He wasn’t brushing it the way Sokka did to him but stroking it almost as if he were in awe. He did that a few more times, not stopping when he finally spoke again. “Are you okay? I thought you were having a nightmare. It sounded like you were in a lot of pain.”</p><p>“My leg hurts,” Sokka mumbled. In response, Zuko simply pulled him in closer again, resting his chin on the top of Sokka’s head. Though he had more to say, Sokka waited before actually doing it, savoring the moment. “Sorry if I woke you up. I always get nightmares when my leg hurts. It’s a whole thing with it. It’s stupid.”</p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>“No. Yes. I don’t know. I guess I’m just kind of traumatized from the war. It’s always that same nightmare, like I told you when you were holding my hands. That’s the only time it happened because of that but it— yeah, it’s been happening pretty much since I started walking again. That’s why I favor my left leg a lot and I was taking so many painkillers because I can’t sleep. It hurts and when it hurts I get the flashbacks and the nightmares, and I <em>know </em>it’s not real and it shouldn’t bother me as much as it does but it just— I don’t know. Sorry.”</p><p>“You don’t have to be sorry.” Zuko finally ceased playing with his hair, wrapping his arm around the top of Sokka’s shoulders to hold him close. “I get that too. Not about the same thing, obviously, but about… about my father. The stupidest little things trigger it, even just like standing in the Agni Kai chamber, and… yeah. It’s not just triggering stuff either, you know, it’s the crowds and conversations and things like that. Things that shouldn’t bother me, but they do. I hate it, but Uncle says I just have some struggles with anxiety, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I’m trying not to be, but it’s hard. I know it’s hard for you too, but you don’t have to be embarrassed about any of the things you do. Like, the fidgeting and all that— hey.”</p><p>Sokka didn’t even realize he was chewing on his thumb until Zuko suddenly reached a hand down and gently pulled it away from his mouth, lacing their fingers together. At first, it was a little uncomfortable not being able to fidget, but then he squeezed Zuko’s palm a little and he started to feel better. <em>Safer.</em> There were still more things he wanted to say, but again he decided to hang on to the moment and stay silent for a little longer. Zuko was warm and cute and even though it was a bit scary to feel the bones around his waist and on his back, Sokka didn’t want to move the one hand that still lay there. Luckily, Zuko didn’t seem too keen to move either and let him stay there for a while in silence; just holding onto each other as Sokka listened to Zuko’s soft heartbeat and wrapped himself in the firebender’s natural warmth.</p><p>“Did your therapy go okay?” asked Sokka, after a long moment of quiet. Zuko didn’t answer right away, and Sokka quickly went to add on to his question. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, I was just wondering.”</p><p>“No, it’s fine. It went really terrible, actually.” He sighed deeply, his breath tickling the top of Sokka’s head as he shifted his arms. Admittedly, it was a rather awkward position to be having a conversation in, but neither of them wanted to move and so they made it work the best they could. “I got through like, two questions, and then I freaked out and ran. I had an anxiety attack in the hallway and Uncle had to talk me down. I felt pretty bad for running out, but he told me it was okay. It doesn’t feel okay. Are <em>you </em>okay? Because after that I found the others waiting for you to finish getting your tests done and I don’t know if you talked to them afterward, but nobody has told me what’s going on yet. I wasn’t even supposed to be in here, I just kind of sneaked out last night. They’re probably looking for me.”</p><p>It wasn’t until that exact moment when Sokka realized Zuko knew what happened. Not necessarily the whole story, apparently far from, but at least enough to want to come comfort him. Because, again, it wasn’t until right then when it occurred to Sokka that they’d switched roles. Up to that point, Zuko was always the little cuddle bug but even though he’d been the one to crawl into Sokka’s bed again, he wasn’t the one curled into a ball with strong arms wrapped around him. No, that was Sokka now. It was Sokka who woke up buried in Zuko’s chest. It was Sokka who woke up with tears sliding down his cheeks. It was Sokka who had no idea how to let people take care of him and was already subconsciously trying to redirect attention away from himself. He forced himself not to care, trying to convince his own mind that it was okay to let other people be there for him. If he was always there for them, why wasn’t it okay for them to be there for him? Why was he so hung up on the idea of being the sole protector of his family?</p><p>The fact that he didn’t have answers to those questions was what held him back from responding sooner. Sokka wanted to tell Zuko the truth, everything that happened over the last few weeks and even throughout the whole three years since the war, but he didn’t know how. He was stuck in his own stupid brain, unable to say a word about what happened because he felt like it made him weak. Because he felt like he was dragging down his friends with his failure, even though he <em>knew </em>that if he told them what he was feeling, they wouldn’t judge him at all. His dad certainly hadn’t. All he did was ask questions to understand the situation better and assure him that if he ever needed to talk, him and Katara were there for him. Sokka wanted to take him up on the offer, to sit and pour out all of his feelings, but he already felt awful for crying twice in twenty-four hours and he couldn’t put that burden on his dad. Still, he felt like he needed to tell <em>someone </em>what happened, and Zuko gave him the opportunity to speak, so he took it.</p><p>“I don’t remember, exactly,” he confessed, squeezing Zuko’s hand a little tighter. That was the truth, somehow; everything happened so fast the day before that a lot of it blurred. “My leg hurt really bad—which could be because of stress fractures, apparently, but we aren’t going to know for sure until I see a specialist—and I decided to train with Katara anyway and it just <em>ached, </em>so I went to get some more painkillers from Shin’s office, and— wait, I forgot that part. I stopped taking the painkillers after you called me out on it, but I sort of… relapsed? And I had an awful headache, and I was tired because I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t focus, and—”</p><p>“Withdrawal,” Zuko mumbled, derailing Sokka’s train of thought. When he didn’t go on, Zuko must’ve understood that he didn’t know what they were talking about, because he elaborated. “Three years on a ship, I had my fair share of alcoholic crew members. That’s the kind of stuff that happened to a couple of them when they tried to quit. You have to talk to Shin about that, she’ll know how to get you off them safely.”</p><p>“Yeah, she said something to my dad about detoxing yesterday, but I didn’t hear it all. I was really out of it. They were saying all kinds of words I didn’t understand, and I couldn’t breathe and the whole thing was honestly just really overwhelming. I think all I took away from the tests was the worst of it which was that I might have stress fractures like I said, and I need therapy for my self-harm ideology, and I guess I kind of… well, I might have a life-threatening side effect from the pills, but we don’t really have to get into all of that, right? Because it’s probably nothing. She said it might be nothing. My dad told me he’s hoping nothing. So, it’s nothing, right? It’s nothing. Nothing.”</p><p>His voice cracked on the last word and suddenly, he was crying <em>again</em>. It was like once he’d finally cracked, finally broken down and let the first tears fall, they just kept coming. Thankfully, Zuko understood what it was like to be in his position and didn’t seem to judge him, just pulling him back down into his chest and holding him close as Sokka’s tears started to soak into his shirt. The day before he’d been too emotionally overwhelmed to react to what was going on, but suddenly he had to come to terms with the fact that he could be <em>dying</em>, and it was too much to think about. He squeezed Zuko’s hand tightly, ignoring his hair as it frizzed up in his face when he stuffed it deeper into Zuko’s chest. He didn’t sob this time, but the tears just kept coming and coming; the waterfall getting worse when he realized he wasn’t even sad for himself, he was sad for his family because they tried so hard to help him and he might just go and die anyway.</p><p>All things considered, Sokka was honestly grateful for the fact that Zuko wasn’t good at the whole social thing, because his silence gave him the time he needed to recover. He told himself over and over that everything was going to be okay. That his dad was right, and it was nothing to worry about because Shin said it was more likely that his arrhythmia was harmless given his age and other factors he hadn’t quite heard over his own sobbing (because, embarrassingly enough, he was an absolute emotional wreck during the tests and every time she gave them bad news, he broke down again). But it was hard to believe that everything could be okay when there was so much at risk. When there was any chance that his stupid actions could actually get him killed and cause his family unbelievable amounts of pain. Even if he didn’t always think he mattered, he knew they did. They proved that when they stuck by his side through his pathetic breakdown the day before.</p><p>Though he was initially planning to get himself back together and finish explaining to Zuko what he was talking about, he ended up not getting the chance. Suddenly, someone knocked on the door, and both Sokka and Zuko sat up to see who was there. There was no one else in the room with them at the moment which honestly surprised Sokka a little, but he was glad. He didn’t want anyone else to see him in that state. He nearly rose to get the door, but Zuko flicked him in the head, nodding towards his leg before turning to stand up himself. As it turned out, he didn’t have to get up either, as the knock was to announce a presence more than ask for permission to come in. Of course, it was Shin who walked in, Hakoda and Iroh following behind her. Sokka nearly slid away from Zuko, suddenly feeling pretty awkward at how close they were sitting, but realized they already knew about everything and decided to stay in his place. Not that it lasted long.</p><p>Apparently, Shin was coming in to do a follow-up on what happened the day before and wanted Zuko taken back to his own room to wait for <em>his </em>daily physical. At first, Zuko resisted, clinging to Sokka’s hand, and refusing to leave, but Iroh wrapped an arm around his shoulders, urging him to go try and eat something as he’d apparently thrown up almost everything again the day before. Under the agreement that Zuko would be able to come back and see Sokka later, he finally got out of bed but not before giving him one more squeeze of the hand and one more kiss on the cheek. After he left, Hakoda ended up sitting down on the bed beside Sokka because the moment Shin started unwrapping his tools, his  fingers began to shake. Without Zuko’s hand to hold, his left thumb almost immediately flew back up to his mouth, his right hand tapping repeatedly against his leg. His dad seemed to notice this but didn’t say anything, just sliding an arm around him and giving him a reassuring squeeze.</p><p>“Okay, hon,” Shin started, reaching down for one of her tools, “we’re going to try this again now that you’re a little calmer, okay? I know your vitals were all over the place yesterday because you were having a panic attack so we’re going to see if you’re doing any better now. And I want to be right up front with you about this, so what we’re looking for here is a more regular heartbeat and at least close to normal breathing. If we can confirm those, then we’ll be able to look at this as a setback more than a potential danger to yourself, but we aren’t going to know for sure either way yet. It’s still too soon for that. The one thing we <em>do </em>know is that if you’re still having irregular vitals, then something is wrong because your dad told me you’ve been asleep for about fourteen hours and that should be enough to rest everything. All right? Do you have any questions?”</p><p>“Can Zuko come back?”</p><p>The only answer he got was Hakoda pulling him in closer and rubbing his shoulder reassuringly. Sokka knew it was selfish to want Zuko there, that they both had to take care of themselves in their own ways, but after everything that happened the day before, he was <em>terrified </em>of what they might find. He requested a hair tie before they got started, just to get one more source of stress out of the way—because without Zuko playing with it, Sokka was suddenly very aware of and very annoyed by his hair all over his face and ears—and they complied. It was easily the worst ponytail he’d ever done in his life, so sad he couldn’t even call it a wolftail, but it didn’t matter. It was out of his face and it was one less thing he had to think about when Shin pressed the cold, round surface to his chest, listening in on his heartbeat.</p><p>She said absolutely nothing as she asked him to breathe, eventually requesting that he shift so she could feel it on his back. Hakoda had to help Sokka do that, as his leg was stiff and in so much pain that he found it difficult to move on his own. He felt absolutely pathetic as he did so, and the reassurance that he’d have crutches by the end of the day didn’t help at all. In fact, that opened his awful fucking floodgates <em>again</em>, and they ended up having to take a break while he cried silently into his dad’s chest. Both he and Shin tried to reassure him that it wasn’t weak to need help, that the crutches were only temporary and once he got past the potential fractures he would be able to get back to life as “normal”, but it didn’t stop him from being scared and when Shin stepped out of the room to grab the crutches from her office for him to see, his heart skipped a beat. Hakoda knew immediately that something was wrong but when he asked Sokka to elaborate, he couldn’t.</p><p>In all honesty, Sokka was <em>terrified </em>of going back on crutches. He knew that he’d fucked up his leg and he knew that it was his fault and he had to deal with the consequences, but he didn’t know how, and he was so, <em>so </em>scared that he would get worse. When all this shit started in the first place, it was because he couldn’t work. It was because he was stuck on his ass all day doing meaningless paperwork that people made up just to give him something to keep him occupied and he couldn’t deal with that again. He couldn’t go back to despising himself for being a burden and a freeloader, to cutting himself and skipping meals because he felt like he deserved the punishment. <em>Twice </em>now he’d been on the edge of relapsing, of going back to that horrible coping mechanism, and the fact that they were sticking him back in the same place where he’d started only scared him more. Sokka looked to his dad for several long seconds after being asked to explain before he finally managed to get out the words that he didn’t want to admit to.</p><p>“I’m scared,” he confessed, his words coming out as barely more than a whisper. “Last time I was on crutches I ended up depressed and hurting myself and I think I’m going to do it again. I don’t want to do it again. I don’t think I can. I think— I think if I have to do it again, I’m going to crack. I already wanted to cut myself again and I don’t— I don’t know if I can stop myself anymore.”</p><p>“You don’t have to.” For a moment, the words made absolutely no sense and Sokka stared at his dad in confusion, trying to understand what he meant. There was no way that Hakoda thought it was <em>okay </em>for him to cut himself, right? No, he didn’t, and he elaborated on his intended meaning quickly. “Last time you were alone. You shouldn’t have been, but you were, and we couldn’t help you, but now we’re all here supporting you. No one is expecting you to be perfect or even okay. If you feel like you want to cut, no one is going to be upset with you. You just have to tell us, and we can help you, okay? Instead of giving in when you get the urge, you come, and you find me or Katara or Zuko and we can help you. Okay? Please tell me you’ll do that. I can’t let you hurt yourself anymore.”</p><p>“I promise.” The guilt was swirling in his stomach, attacking all his senses. The only reason his dad felt bad about what happened was because <em>Sokka </em>hadn’t asked him for help. Because <em>Sokka </em>hadn’t told him what was going on. <em>He </em>was the reason that everyone was freaking out now. <em>He </em>was the reason that the whole world was crumbling when it should have been strong for Zuko. The thoughts were too strong. He looked up to his dad, his bloodshot eyes wide. “I want to do it now.”</p><p>Hakoda’s face dropped like a rock. “What?”</p><p>“I want to do it now,” Sokka repeated, still nibbling at his thumbnail. “I want to cut now. I feel like— I feel like I failed you and I failed Zuko and I failed everyone else because I wasn’t strong enough and now you’re all— you’re all stressed and upset and it’s because of me. I did this. I— I failed <em>myself </em>and now I have to go to therapy and get back on crutches and I don’t know if I can do it and I think that if I do it I’m going to hate myself again. I’m going to ruin everything again.”</p><p>“No, Sokka, listen to me.” He pulled Sokka into his arms, holding him in one of the tightest hugs he’d ever been a part of. Though he’d said to listen, Hakoda actually took a long, deep breath before he went on just holding his son close. “You could <em>never </em>fail us. We know how hard you try and that’s what matters, not whether you’re a perfect person or whatever you think you need to be. We love you <em>exactly </em>the way you are, we just want to see you smile again, okay? There is nothing wrong with struggling and you are not weak for needing therapy or crutches or even maybe a cane. I know that it’s scary but we’re all going to be here for you every step of the way. You just have to be honest with us so that we know when you need help. As long as you’re honest, everything will be okay. All right? And you already did a good job starting that by telling me the truth right now. Thank you.”</p><p>Though he knew he needed to say something, Sokka didn’t get the chance to respond before the door opened again and Shin came in with Sokka’s crutches. They were better quality than the ones he’d had when he first broke his leg, but it wasn’t much of a surprise considering where they were now versus then. Having his kind-of-boyfriend be the Fire Lord probably didn’t hurt either. Regardless of how nice they were, however, Sokka still couldn’t look at them for more than a second before he turned back into his dad’s chest, trying to deal with the fact that he had to be back on them for up to two <em>months</em>. He’d been doing so well for himself in the Fire Nation, finally making himself useful and happy and content and then he had to go and get all up on his own bullshit instead of trying to help with Zuko’s that needed to be addressed more urgently. Instead of putting the people who mattered first. Instead of—</p><p>“I can’t stop thinking about it.” Being open was weird but somehow comforting, like he was still terrified of what was happening, but it hurt a little less with his dad there at his side. With his friends supporting him even if they couldn’t be in there with him all the time. Hakoda’s grip tightened after he spoke and Sokka found his babbling start to continue, cutting off anything else Shin may have been about to say or do. “I just feel so bad. I failed everyone. Even myself. I failed. I just— I failed. I can’t fail again. I’m going to fail again and this time it’ll be too much and too late and I’m going to die. Shit, I’m going to die.”</p><p>“No, you’re not. You are not going to fail again, Sokka. You never failed the first time.” If it was possible, Hakoda held him even closer, Sokka clinging to his dad despite it making him feel like he was five years old. “You were scared, and traumatized, and you were trying really hard to protect the people you cared about. It’s okay. No one is holding that against you. We just want you to get better now and we’re going to help you, all right? You don’t have to do this alone. And you are <em>not </em>going to die. I don’t know how your body is doing right now but you’re young and you’re strong and I know that you can get through this. I’m sure of it.”</p><p>“And actually, I was waiting until I finished today’s checks,” Shin started, sitting down at the foot of the bed, “but I do have good news regarding your physical health. Your heartbeat was stronger today. Not perfect, but a lot better than it was during your breakdown yesterday, and aside from being jarred from a bit of anxiety, your lungs sounded a whole lot better. You’re still going to need a lot of therapy, both physical and mental, and we have to keep monitoring that arrhythmia for a while, but for the time being, you’re going to be okay. You just need a lot of rest and you need to keep talking so your family knows how to help you. The only reason the crutches broke you the way they did the first time was because you weren’t open about how you were feeling but you are now. That’s good. Now, is it all right if you step away from your dad for a minute? I want to check on your leg and a couple other things really quick.”</p><p>Though Sokka nodded and did his best to move on his own, his leg hurt too much and Hakoda ended up having to lift him onto his other foot to stand. It was pointless and that should have been obvious from the beginning, but Shin made him try to put weight on his left leg anyway; only to find that he couldn’t put down more than the ball of his foot with a quarter of his full weight before he felt a sharp pain up his shin and yanked away before he could panic. Part of him wanted to give up right then, to admit defeat, take the painkillers, and let himself die since he was already on the edge anyway, but then he saw the look in his dad’s eyes, and he stopped. Somehow, Hakoda held that perfect expression of sadness, compassion, and reassurance that gave Sokka the boost he needed to do nothing more than request he sit back down. He didn’t cry, he didn’t crack, he just told them that he reached his limit and asked that they stop for a while. Shin complied, telling them to call for her if anything changed, while Hakoda helped Sokka back into bed and lifted his leg onto the pillows.</p><p>He curled back under the blankets almost immediately and while he felt like a baby with the comforter pulled up past his shoulders and his thumb halfway in his mouth as he chewed on what was left of his nail, he couldn’t find it in him to care. There was too much else going on in his mind as Hakoda sat down beside him, gently squeezing his shoulder in an attempt to be reassuring. Sokka wanted to get better more than anything else in the world but the scary part was that he would have to be open. He had to keep being open like he had been that morning. He had to keep telling his dad when he felt like a worthless sack of shit and watch as his face fell, and his tone turned sad because his only son was a failure at life. It was absolutely the wrong way to look at the situation and he knew it, but he’d already been so open that he couldn’t get himself to admit that he already felt bad again. It wasn’t like Hakoda didn’t already know that anyway, with how desperately and gently he was trying to reassure pathetic little Sokka.</p><p>Eventually, Hakoda gave up on trying to get Sokka to talk anymore and just leaned back beside him, occasionally squeezing his shoulder, or ruffling his hair as if it would help. Admittedly, the familiar touches were comforting, but Sokka couldn’t bring himself to smile or sit up. His entire leg throbbed even with the pillows supporting it, his head was pounding, and he still didn’t know if he was at risk of literal <em>death</em>. Plus, the urge to cut himself hadn’t yet subsided and though he never pulled his thumb from his mouth, he kept using his free hand to draw over the faded lines on his opposite forearm. It took several minutes for Hakoda to notice what he was doing but Sokka knew the minute that he did because instead of just sitting quietly beside him, he pulled his son back into his arms; allowing him to let out the last of the quiet tears that built up since the end of the war.</p><p>While it was happening, Sokka felt weak. Exposed. Like he was something to be coddled instead of feared or praised. Even as he sniffed, holding on to his dad as he freed the silent cries he’d been holding in for the past three years, he felt pathetic. But then, when it was all over, when there were no more tears left for him to cry and he was just resting in Hakoda’s arms, coming to terms with the fact that the hardest part was over and it was all uphill from there, he felt better. Not perfect, not excellent, not even great, but better.</p><p>And that was good enough for him.</p>
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<a name="section0069"><h2>69. Chapter Sixty-Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“No.”</p><p>The word left his mouth in a sour mix of childish pleading and commanding his subordinate. It was pathetic, stupid, and he wanted more than anything to be strong enough to say something else but that one word was the first thing to come to mind. He buried his face deeper into his uncle’s shoulder, squeezing his arms tightly around the stuffed turtle duck that had come to be his number one coping mechanism. No matter what happened, no matter how much his body shook, he couldn’t move his fingers. He couldn’t let them wander and touch his exposed arms. He couldn’t even release his fingers for fear they might drag over his palms and touch the disgusting surface that he’d created. Someone spoke to him, but his right ear was pressed against his uncle’s shoulder and his left couldn’t process more than the fact that a voice was speaking at all.</p><p>“You<em> have</em> to wrap them up again.” This time, the words were more begging than anything else, unable to deal with the reality that he was facing so soon. His nails dragged across the soft surface of the toy in his arms as he bit down on his lip, tears welling in his eyes when he squeezed them shut tighter. “Please. I can’t look at it. I can’t. I don’t want to see it. Just wrap them up again, please. Nobody has to know that it’s healing. We can just tell them they’re not ready yet. Please. I can’t look. I can’t. <em>Uncle</em>.”</p><p>“I know you are scared, Fire Lord Zuko,” Iroh began, his tone quiet and gentle, “but you cannot put this off forever. If Miss Shin thinks it’s time for the bandages to come off for good, then I think it is important you let them do that. Your arms need to be exposed to the light to fully heal and right now they haven’t seen the sun in weeks. It’s okay to be afraid but you cannot hide from yourself. It’s not as bad as you think. Open your eyes and we can look at it together.”</p><p>“No.” Zuko shook his head, refusing to pull it from his uncle’s shoulder or open even one of his eyelids. He couldn’t look at what he’d done to himself. He couldn’t see the damage that would soon be on display for the entire nation—no, the entire <em>world</em>—to see. The damage that someone would inevitably realize was shaped like his fingers and realize was caused by himself. If he wasn’t already ruined, that was bound to do it. “I can’t look at it. If you’re not going to wrap them up again then I want one of my longer shirts. Please. I can’t look at it. Uncle, <em>please</em>. I’m not ready yet. I can’t do it. I can’t.”</p><p>There was a long silence before Iroh finally handed him a shirt—presumably passed over by Shin—and allowed him to tug it over his head. Zuko dragged the sleeves all the way around his palms before he wrapped his arms around his stuffed animal again, pressing his face into the pillows as he turned away from his uncle and the physician. Quite honestly, the worst part about the situation was that Zuko knew they were right. He knew that he needed to look at his arms and see the scars so he could get used to them, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. The thought of having them was scary, but actually having to see them was downright terrifying. He bit down on his lip, shifting away when someone, probably Iroh, tried to touch his shoulder. Everything in his mind was shooting back to the first time he’d had to face the look of his scar and it hurt. It wasn’t the same thing, and he knew it, but his mind was convinced he had to think about that. He had to think about how awful it was.</p><p>When he first looked at the scar on his face, Zuko felt sick. So sick, in fact, that the first thing he did was drop the mirror in his hands and turn to vomit in a nearby trash bin. His entire face was pink, red, and swollen, and though it faded over time, it never really got better. He never fully recovered his senses on that side and the skin was still rough and disfigured. It was easier to look at the scar on his stomach because that one, slightly more faded and slightly easier to forget about, only really made him feel proud. The scar on his face was from a stupid mistake, the worst day of his life, but the one on his torso represented the fact that he’d saved someone’s life. He’d changed his ways. That after all those years of being a horrible person, Zuko finally managed to become a good man and was on a path to redemption, strength, greatness. It was all representative of his courage and growth and even the mark on his face was a reminder of what he’d overcome, while the ones on his arms would say he failed to continue on his path to greatness.</p><p>Shin left the room at some point but Zuko couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to when. He just stayed where he was, not even considering moving, until much later when the door opened again. He knew that it was Toph who came in because he could hear her talking to Iroh, discussing how he was doing and the fact that Iroh wasn’t sure whether Zuko was awake. Though he could have told them that he was, and he was listening, Zuko decided to stay silent. Not because he didn’t want them to know that he was awake, or because he wanted to spy on them, but simply because he didn’t know if he was ready to talk to anyone yet. Instead, he just lay there while Toph talked to his uncle, until she finally asked to take over for a bit while Iroh stepped out to get some lunch. Zuko knew it was stupid to hope he wouldn’t bring back two meals but that didn’t stop him from doing it.</p><p>“Hey.” Toph jumped onto the bed beside him, plopping a hand on his face and almost patting his head as if he were her pet. “I know you’re awake, Twinkie. You don’t shake that much when you’re sleeping. Are you all right? Because I brought you something from Azula, but she told me not to give it to you if you were having a bad day and I don’t really feel like getting into a bitch fight with her today.”</p><p>When she first asked, Zuko was planning to be honest. He trusted Toph and he wanted to tell her the truth. That he was sick to his stomach because his body was still barely accepting food and they made him take off his bandages after weeks of wearing them as a security blanket and suddenly, he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his new scars and was clinging to his sleeves to keep himself from even <em>feeling </em>what was on his palms. Zuko knew that he still needed to say something, because he wanted to know what Azula sent for him, but he wasn’t sure whether he would be able to speak without Toph catching onto his lie. It was only when he realized they were sitting in a pile of pillows and she was likely having trouble feeling where he was at that he decided to speak, squeezing his turtle duck a little tighter.</p><p>“I’m fine, I’m just tired,” said Zuko, shifting slightly in his seat. “What did Azula give you?”</p><p>“It’s…” Toph hesitated before she answered, again patting him on the head. He realized she was trying to get a better look at him but didn’t comply. He was almost buried in blankets for the exact reason of people <em>not </em>seeing him in that state and Toph was no exception. “It’s work, I think. It’s a whole folder of documents and stuff. She told me that she wanted you to look at it before she made any decisions or something like that. I just took it and went. Do you want it? Here.”</p><p>That got him up. Zuko practically scrambled to a seated position, this time not fighting it when Toph reached for his arm. She held him for only a few seconds before pulling away, likely because it was covered in his thick shirt, but he couldn’t move it. He couldn’t do anything about the cloth when discarding it would mean having to see what he’d done to himself. Instead, he just flipped through the pages of the folder, biting down on his lip as he kept the ends of his sleeves wrapped around his palms. It was slightly awkward, not having every finger at his disposal, but he couldn’t bring himself to move them, nor could he convince himself to stop. He was too busy reading through everything that was written down; about the colonies, the school reform, the charities, the military—projects he’d started and forgotten about that just went right on without him during his coma and subsequent bed rest.</p><p>Within minutes, Zuko was done thinking about his arms and instead focused on rewriting, editing, revising, and discarding ideas he didn’t approve of. Toph kept asking questions about what he was doing, and he answered as best he could with how distracted he was. She also seemed to think it was funny to keep putting the turtle duck on his head, though she still had trouble seeing him and so the toy attacked him anywhere from his shoulder to his nose. It didn’t upset him, though. He got a little frustrated at times but that was partially from the terrible ideas that were supposedly being considered, and so he didn’t mind Toph being there. She was just trying to cheer him up and he knew it, and honestly, it was working. Even if he <em>was </em>pretty terrible at explaining what he was doing, and she had to keep asking him more questions when she was interested.</p><p>After another fifteen minutes or so, the door popped open again; this time revealing Sokka on the other side. He was on crutches, as was discussed, and stumbled a little coming in the door, but didn’t look to be in awful spirits. In fact, he was smiling when he walked over to the bed, dropping his crutches against the side of the bedframe as he flopped at Zuko’s side. Toph stuck her tongue out when he wrapped his arms around Zuko and pressed a kiss to his temple, but she didn’t say anything about it and considering the fact that they were still covered in pillows, Zuko thought she was teasing them more than anything else. Instead of settling down where he was, Sokka shifted closer to Zuko, dropping his injured leg on top of one of the Fire Lord’s. Zuko made a face but relaxed more when Sokka rested his head on his shoulder, watching what he was doing with the papers.</p><p>“Hey, you okay?” asked Zuko gently, leaning into Sokka. “I thought you were supposed to be resting.”</p><p>“I am.” Sokka nuzzled in closer, resting a hand on Zuko’s leg. “I talked to my dad and the physicians and they said as long as I’m not putting weight on my leg, I’m fine. And since I’m not putting weight on my leg right now, it’s good. But I thought you weren’t supposed to be working? I can take care of this, if you—”</p><p>“No, this is Fire Lord business.” Zuko shook his head quickly, not wanting to release the one bit of work he’d had in <em>weeks. </em>He shifted to pull a few pillows out from behind Toph, tossing them toward the end of the bed for Sokka to rest his leg on. He <em>was </em>going to take care of himself, even if Zuko had to push him to do it. “You can help me with it, if you want, but I have to make these decisions. And actually, I think you already took care of this for me, because your name is on half the stuff in here and I’m pretty sure the plans wouldn’t be half as good if you weren’t working on them this whole time.”</p><p>“Maybe. I mean, I wasn’t really <em>that</em>—” He cut himself off suddenly, pulling away from Zuko as he lifted a finger on one hand. “No, sorry, I’m trying <em>not </em>to talk myself down anymore. Yeah, I did most of that stuff and it was a lot of hard work so I’m glad you like it. If there’s anything else you need me to change in there, I can take a look at it. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing with the colonies when we revised step four, but… hey, are you all right? Is the work too stressful?”</p><p>“What? No, I’m fine. I’m actually really, really glad to be working on all this again. Why?”</p><p>“You’re just holding on to your sleeves like, seriously tight. I thought it might be an anxiety thing.”</p><p>“Oh. It’s not, no. At least, I don’t think so.” Zuko looked down to his hands, hesitating before he said anything else. <em>Was </em>his stress being caused by anxiety? Was <em>that </em>why he was so afraid to look at his arms? “Shin, uh, she took my bandages off today. I haven’t looked yet.”</p><p>Sokka said nothing for a long several seconds, his fingers trailing down one of Zuko’s arms until they finally gripped around his hand. “Do you want me to look at it?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Can <em>I </em>see it?” asked Toph, still seated on his other side. Both Sokka and Zuko turned to look when she spoke, and after several seconds of silence, she went on. “What? If you’re worried about how it looks then why not let <em>me </em>see it? I can’t tell you what color it is, but I can tell you how big they are. Here, let me see your arm. You don’t have to look, just close your eyes and I’ll tell you if it’s bad or not. Come on.”</p><p>Zuko hesitated for the longest time before he finally reached out his arm to Toph, immediately turning into Sokka’s chest to hide his own face. As he wrapped an arm around the Fire Lord, Sokka quietly promised that he was closing his eyes too, so only Toph would be able to know what was happening. His heart pounded in his chest when she pushed his sleeve up, first turning his palm over to drag her hands over the surface of it. She said nothing as she reached across to Zuko’s other hand, comparing the two before turning back to his arm. She slid her fingers all across his arm, her gentle trust the only thing keeping Zuko from completely freaking out at the idea of her knowing what was there. Part of him wanted her to just get it over with, to just tell him that it was awful and giant and disfigured and that if he let Sokka see it, he would never like him again, but she didn’t. Toph just dragged her hand down his arm one more time before flopping against the pillows and sighing softly.</p><p>“It’s not as bad as you think,” she announced, as Zuko pushed his sleeves back down before opening his eyes to look at her. She didn’t seem disturbed or grossed out in the least, which was something. “None of them feel really nasty, not like your face. It’s just little lines and dots scattered around. You should let Sokka look at it, I really don’t think it’s as bad you’re imagining.”</p><p>“Do you—?” Zuko looked up to Sokka, whose eyes flickered between Zuko’s face and his arms. “Can you tell me if it’s really bad? And you won’t hate me if it is?”</p><p>“No, I won’t hate you if it is.” Sokka kissed the top of his head, holding him closely. “I have a bunch of scars too, they’re just sword and scrape and— and knife wounds, not burn ones. Though, I probably have some of those from the firebenders at some point, I just haven’t noticed them. Most of them faded over time. Yours probably will too. It’s not the same kind of injury as the ones you already had. Those were seriously severe, and these were mostly just surface.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>It was a thousand times more terrifying letting Sokka look at his arms but Zuko didn’t want to pull away. He just closed his eyes tightly, taking deep breaths as Sokka lifted up his sleeves to see the damage. Because his eyes were closed, Zuko had no idea what Sokka was looking at, but the silence that followed his sleeves being lifted was almost unbearable. Sokka said and did nothing for the longest time, until his fingers suddenly brushed over the surface of Zuko’s skin. They moved in a disorganized pattern across his bicep and down to his forearm, and Zuko knew he must’ve been tracing the visible lines upon him. Still, Sokka didn’t say a word, though he squeezed one of Zuko’s hands as he passed by. Toph stayed close by the Fire Lord too, not clinging to his arm but sitting close enough for Zuko to be able to feel where she was as she shifted.</p><p>“I have to be honest, it’s…” Sokka’s voice trailed off, causing Zuko’s breath to catch in his throat. He braced himself for the next words; the ones which would inevitably tell him that he was going to be alone forever, but they never came. “…kind of pretty. I mean, I know that’s probably a terrible thing to say and I’m definitely biased since I’ve always had a thing for like, warriors, you know with scars and stuff, but yeah. It’s not bad. It’s a little heavier on your left arm than the right but it’ll fade on both sides, I’m sure. Zuko? Are you okay?”</p><p>Honestly, he didn’t know. Zuko knew that he was supposed to say “yes”, to reassure his friends and let Sokka know that he’d said the right thing, but no words would come out of his mouth. Ever since he found out he was going to scar, he thought Sokka would hate it. It didn’t make much sense, given the fact that all he did was kiss the scar on Zuko’s stomach, but it was true. He felt like he was already ugly enough, already scarred to the point of no return, but he wasn’t. Sokka didn’t care at all and it seemed like it was impossible. First, Sokka thought that his lisp was cute, and now he thought that his scars were <em>pretty</em>? Two of Zuko’s biggest weak points, his worst insecurities, and Sokka didn’t care one bit. He didn’t care at all and that was why, instead of saying any words, all Zuko could do was throw his arms around Sokka’s neck and press his forehead into his chest in the tightest embrace he could ever muster. Toph jumped in around his back too, and Zuko didn’t protest.</p><p>There was a time when he thought he could never heal. When he believed that he’d hit rock bottom and would be stuck there until the end of his days. When he genuinely saw those numbers as being limited because he was in so deep he thought that he couldn’t dig himself out. But as he lay there in Sokka’s arms, Toph clinging to both of them like they might slip away, he felt like he had a chance. Like there was a possibility that he <em>could </em>recover, and maybe even be okay. Maybe even accept things that he never thought he could. He sank deeper into Sokka’s arms; sniffing as his tears soaked into his shirt.</p><p>“I’m sorry if I made you sad.” Sokka’s voice was quiet. “I really meant what I said. Are you all right, or…?”</p><p>“I’m okay.” He nodded, not moving from his place. “I think— I think I’m really okay.”</p><p>Any doubts he had disappeared the second Sokka kissed his forehead.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Zuko took a deep breath before he knocked on the door, not wanting to barge in should he be unwelcome. Given that he was stuck on bed rest, he’d only been speaking to people when they came to see him first, and some of his friends were rather sporadic with their visits. Sokka was in his room for pretty much as long as he could be every day (apparently as long as he was resting his leg, it didn’t matter where he did it), Toph came by at <em>least </em>twice a day, and most of the others once every day or every other day, but not Azula. She’d only come by a few times since Zuko woke up and he didn’t get to talk to her on her own more than once or maybe twice when he was still really out of it. He didn’t think it was because she didn’t want to see him, but because she was so busy covering his ass that she couldn’t take much time to go see him, though he wasn’t sure. And when she finally opened the door, he <em>still</em> didn’t know. Azula looked surprised to see him and instantly pulled him away from the wall he was leaning against; dragging him over to her bed and forcing him to sit down before she even said a word.</p><p>“What are you doing out of bed?” she snapped, her tone more protective than annoyed. “You didn’t get permission to get up yet, did you? Because I know you’ve been doing better but you’re still pale as shit and I talked to Shin a few hours ago and she said you’re still barely gaining weight. Oh, and now you look like you’re trying to tear your sleeves apart. Are you anxious? You look anxious.”</p><p>“No, I’m not— I’m not anxious.” Yes, Zuko was clinging to his sleeves, but it was only because even after everything Toph and Sokka said to him, he still couldn’t convince himself to look at the scarring skin on his arms. Thankfully, his friends were nice about it, and both Sokka and Toph had told him that it was okay if he wasn’t ready yet, despite how pathetic he felt. “They took my bandages off and I can’t— I just wanted to talk to you. I’m working on that stuff you asked Toph to give me. I want to review it a little more, but I should be done by tomorrow night if you want to talk about it, or…?”</p><p>“Well, yeah, I want to talk about it. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. But you didn’t answer my question. Are you or are you not supposed to be out of bed right now?”</p><p>The answer was no. No, Zuko was <em>not </em>supposed to be out of bed yet. But he’d been on bed rest for far too long at that point and he was getting sick of it, so if he wanted to walk a couple doors down and see his sister, who was going to stop him? Thankfully, it wasn’t Azula, who must’ve figured out from the look on his face that he wasn’t supposed to be there and strode over to her own desk, flopping back down in her seat and draping one leg over the other. There were numerous papers and scrolls scattered about in front of her, and suddenly Zuko realized that she hadn’t even given him that much to work on. Everything was piling up without him and whether she’d given stuff to him for his benefit or her own or just the Fire Nation’s was unclear. Either way, he wanted to stay involved. Him and Sokka—and Toph, who wouldn’t leave them alone—spent another few hours working on the things Azula delegated to him, and Zuko was already hooked on the work again.</p><p>“Okay, well, whether you’re supposed to be here or not, I can’t do anything about it.” Azula was already going back to the papers around her, ignoring the fact that Zuko hadn’t actually answered her question. He stared down to the back of his hands, his fingers still twisting as he refused to turn them over. “I wanted to talk to you too, but not about the stuff I gave you. I heard that you ran out on your therapy and I wanted to tell you that I did the same thing. With Ena, I mean. She had to come find me and talk me down because I didn’t think I could do it. I was more angry than upset which I’m guessing you were since your blood sugar and your hormones are all fucked right now, but still. I couldn’t face the things that she was telling me. I didn’t want to believe Father abused me and that’s what you’re doing now. You don’t want to believe you’ve been abusing yourself, but you have, and you have to face that. Just keep trying. I had to. But anyway, people don’t want you off the throne. I thought you should know that.”</p><p>Zuko was following along with everything his sister said until the last part. He understood that he needed to keep trying, that it was going to be hard at the beginning but he could slowly heal and get better and be the person he wanted to, but the conclusion that Azula came to didn’t make any sense. It didn’t reference anything about how he was supposed to fix himself or how he could make them care about him again, it was that they already did. He couldn’t wrap his head around it and found himself at a loss for words, just shaking his head instead of actually responding to what his sister told him. She sighed and got up from her seat again, walking over to where he sat on the edge of her bed and holding out a hand. He took it hesitantly, rising to his feet beside her as she led them out of the room, claiming she needed to show him something.</p><p>It was weird walking down the halls on his own, given everything that happened. The last time he’d done that he was sneaking out of his room to climb in bed with Sokka, and the time before that, he was hauling ass to get away from therapy thanks to an overwhelming anxiety attack. This time, Zuko wasn’t walking with his uncle at his side, or his physician, nor was he shuffling around trying not to get caught. He was just walking almost normally at his sister’s side, in a way that made him feel like they’d seriously switched roles. Azula was all dressed up like she’d been in meetings for the duration of the day, while Zuko was wearing a sloppy ponytail, lounge pants, and a shirt that was too big for him. She had a regal topknot, and he couldn’t even be bothered to put on shoes. They passed by a few servants as they walked through the hall and each time they smiled and nodded to the royal siblings, not once sending so much as a questioning look Zuko’s way.</p><p>Azula didn’t stop walking until they reached the council chamber, at which point she slid the door open quietly and nodded for Zuko to walk in. He did, however hesitantly, and she followed right behind him, carefully closing it once they were both inside. They stayed behind the curtain near the door, so Zuko could hear what the councilmen were saying but they wouldn’t know that he was in the room. At first, they weren’t talking about anything that important—at least, not to bedridden him—but then their conversation took a twist he wasn’t expecting, and his shoulders drooped as he listened to everything they said; Azula giving him a look that said nothing less than “I told you so”.</p><p>“…and as I told you last time we brought this up, they can say whatever they want to, but the fact is, he’s a kid,” one of the women went on, papers shuffling about on the table. She sounded slightly annoyed, and it was unclear what she was referring to as it must’ve been written down, but it didn’t matter. “I understand feeling cautious about him being on the throne given the circumstances, but I’m not voting in favor of making it happen. He’s nineteen, he was abused for his entire life, and he’s trying his damnedest. He’s got great ideas and ambitions for the nation and I support that fully, the poor kid just needs some therapy.”</p><p>“Absolutely agree.” That voice belonged to a man, though he was sitting on the far-left side of the room and so Zuko struggled to identify the voice. “He’s a thousand percent capable of running this nation, he’s just young. Taking away his throne now would be a big mistake. I know there’s been a lot of debate about it over the last few weeks, but the Fire Nation needs him. Like you said, his ideas are incredible, he just needs support in learning how to function as an actual human being.”</p><p>“Not the way Manzo was doing it,” another man grumbled. “Fucking prick. Glad we caught him and those other assholes before they could overthrow Fire Lord Zuko. Bet you a thousand coins they were behind at least half his assassination attempts so far.”</p><p>“Right.” A different woman hesitated before going on, as if waiting for someone else to speak. “So, is that how everyone feels then? We’re still not utilizing our right to remove Fire Lord Zuko from the throne?”</p><p>It was too much. Up until that point, Zuko believed that everyone was against him. That his first order of business upon returning to his duties would be to convince everyone that he was still sane enough to hold down the throne. But they already thought that he was capable. They understood that he was young and traumatized and he needed time to come to terms with himself before he could become the Fire Lord he was truly destined to be. All of that should have been reassuring, it should have made him feel better and more confident, but somehow, Zuko just felt numb. He turned to Azula silently, his eyes blinked repeatedly as he tried to find the right words to say.</p><p>“What are they doing?” he asked Azula, his voice barely more than a whisper.</p><p>“Deciding whether to kick you off the throne,” she answered, glancing to a crack in the curtains. “Today was the final decision, at least for a while. I wasn’t planning to eavesdrop until after the fact, but it seemed like you needed it. They all love you, you know. If you walk out there right now, even though you look like absolute shit—no offense—they’ll support you. They don’t care that you’re fucked up, they care that you’re looking out for their nation. You’re a good person and a good leader, you just went through a lot. Unlike me. I’m a bad person and a cruel leader who went through a lot, but your little therapist helped a bit. That’s why I picked out a therapist for you too. You need the help, Zuzu. Your people want you back.”</p><p>He had no words to respond, nor was he able to understand or begin to convey how he felt. The situation was too overwhelming to truly process his emotions, but truthfully, it felt like a gigantic weight was lifted off his chest, and all he wanted was to go back to his life. To heal and be better so he could become the Fire Lord the people needed him to be. But not without his support team around.</p><p>After everything he’d been through, Zuko never wanted to be alone again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0070"><h2>70. Chapter Sixty-Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All things considered, the hardest part about Zuko’s consistently lacking appetite and inability to keep down adequate nutrients was how badly his hormones were out of whack. Of course, Sokka could’ve said the same thing about himself, though Shin said <em>his </em>hormones were going berserk because they were trying to get his body to adjust to life without copious amounts of painkillers, but still. Before, Zuko was mostly fine, he just had a serious temper, and though that was still there, he was more likely to cry at just how cute a turtle duck was rather than shout at something that pissed him off. And, again, Sokka wasn’t much better, because he’d been pretty consistently fluctuating between humorous and depressed ever since he’d finally snapped. He didn’t cry again after the day following his breakdown but there were a lot of times he felt like shit. A lot of times he didn’t want to get out of bed for more reasons than just his leg. But the thing was, instead of bottling it up, he talked about it.</p><p>It was terrifying the first time he felt unreasonably sad and forced himself to tell someone, and every time after that too. His friends kept coming in the room to see him and he <em>knew </em>they were doing it to keep an eye on him, but he didn’t tell them to leave. He let Suki hold his hand, Katara heal his leg, Toph hit him with pillows, Aang tell him stories, and Zuko cuddle with him whenever he managed to sneak out of his room. Sokka talked as much as he could and somehow, he felt better every time. He realized quickly that if he’d done that from the beginning, if he’d told everyone how he felt from that first time he’d cut himself three years ago, things might have turned out differently. But he forced himself not to think about that because what <em>could </em>have happened didn’t matter as much as what did. And what <em>did </em>happen was that, however it ended up going down, Sokka finally had the courage to tell people that he wasn’t okay. That he’d been struggling for longer than he wanted to admit. That he needed help and even though talking to a therapist was scary as anything, he wanted to do it. He wanted to get better.</p><p>Zuko struggled with opening up in the same way but Sokka did what he could for him. They were lying in bed together again when he first realized that Zuko still hadn’t been able to look at his arms, and decided it was time that he did it. It took a lot of convincing to get Zuko to want to try it but when he did, it was worth it because he just <em>knew </em>it was a massive weight being lifted off his chest. And wrong as it was, Sokka honestly <em>did </em>think the sporadic patterns drawn across his arms were really pretty. He had a thing for battle scars, for <em>fighters</em>, and in his mind, those counted. None of them were too bad and he knew that over time they would fade and eventually blur into his arms, almost unnoticeable as Sokka’s own, but he didn’t mind them either way. The light pink and white lines that zigzagged across Zuko’s arms were just as gorgeous as he was, regardless of where or how he’d gotten them. Unfortunately, Zuko didn’t see it that way. He cried when he saw the marks and Sokka was only able to calm him down with an enormous hug and a gentle kiss.</p><p>At that point, pretty much everyone knew that they were together except for them. Sokka had fully accepted the fact that he’d fallen for Zuko and wanted to be with him, but he wasn’t sure that Zuko felt the same way. When they were kissing and snuggling it felt like he did, but then they would start talking and it sounded like he was hesitant to call it a relationship at all. He never elaborated on the why, though Sokka awoke one night to find him shaking, tears streaming down his cheeks as he mumbled in his sleep about his father. That was when Sokka realized that it wasn’t him who was holding Zuko back, but Ozai who was still stuck in his head, telling him that it was wrong to like boys and act the way he was. (Apparently, he was very insecure about the nail polish that Mai was doing for him, but Sokka thought it was absolutely adorable. Zuko offered to let him join them next time, but Sokka refused, knowing he would just peel it all off.) Sokka decided then that he would take it as slow as Zuko needed him to. He didn’t want to make things any harder than they already were.</p><p>The one thing that Sokka couldn’t get past, no matter how hard he tried, was the fact that he was back on crutches. He’d been absolutely right in his fears of feeling inferior returning upon using them, but it wasn’t as bad as it was the first time. He had a lot of things to keep him occupied that didn’t require moving around, unlike when he’d been off his feet back at the tribe and everyone else was rebuilding without him. Still, he couldn’t shake the endless feeling of sadness that overcame him when he was alone, so he surrounded himself with people as much as he could. Sokka was fairly certain that Katara understood why he was doing it, why he begged people to stay with him even when he was just working on papers in his room, but he wasn’t sure that anyone else caught on. They just did as he asked and hung around with him, silently helping him out so he wouldn’t feel like he was being weak when he had to ask for help thanks to his leg.</p><p>In terms of mental health, and out of everything that he’d learned to start talking about, the only real issue that Sokka had run into was that he still couldn’t bring himself to talk about his self-harm. He didn’t act on it and he was proud of that, but he couldn’t convince himself that it was okay to tell people about. Even though his dad had told him that he could come and talk to him or Katara any time he needed to, and he was sure the offer extended to his other friends as well, Sokka just couldn’t do it. Sometimes he got the urge and instead of telling anyone, he just asked them to sit with him and let the feelings stir. He found the best way to make those feelings go away was to have Zuko sit on his lap while he was working, usually in bed with his legs stretched out across Sokka’s, but it didn’t make the urges disappear forever, it just pushed them aside for a bit. So, they stirred. They stirred and stirred until they reached a point where he couldn’t take it anymore and next thing he knew, Sokka was sitting on the floor of his bedroom at three in the morning with a knife in his hands, staring at his old scars.</p><p>After three years, they’d reached a point where they were so faded they were hard to make out in the dim moonlight, but he knew where each and every one of them lay. He dragged over them with the dull end of the knife, not cutting but tracing the faint lines as he blinked away the moisture that built in his eyes. He was happy. He was doing better, and he was happy, and it didn’t make sense that he still wanted to relapse. Even though he was back on crutches and back in that old mindset of being weaker and inferior, he was surrounded by his friends and family and he had all the support anyone could ever ask for, so it didn’t make sense that he still wanted to do it. Sokka dropped the knife, ignoring the muffled sound as it clattered against the carpet and reached up to chew on his thumbnail. Part of him wanted to go talk to his dad, to finally admit that he’d been too scared to talk before, but he couldn’t. Hakoda went back to the tribe, and that left Sokka with only one other option.</p><p>He struggled to his feet, not taking his crutches as he moved to step out of the room. Sokka wanted to talk to his dad or Zuko, but his dad wasn’t there, and he wouldn’t <em>dare </em>say anything to the Fire Lord when he knew that it could trigger him into thinking about burning himself again. Instead, he had to turn to the person he trusted most in the world. The person he’d been avoiding talking to because he loved her more than anyone else and the idea of hurting her, even in that way, was too much for him to handle. But he’d come so close to doing it. He’d held the knife in his hands, dragged the dull end over his scars, and it reached a point where it was too scary. It was scary and bad, and he didn’t want himself to break and disappoint everyone so he snapped off the end of his nail and nibbled at the skin around it as he knocked on the door quietly; one hand leaning against the wall to steady himself as his left foot held only his toes on the ground.</p><p>Sokka bit down on his thumb, ignoring how stupid he looked as he waited to see whether he would be let into the room. His breathing was too fast and he knew it, his heart sounded weird and he knew it, and he was tired and sad and if he went back into his room he was going to cut and he couldn’t stop it. He almost gave up after two tries, realizing that trying to talk to someone in the middle of the night was stupid and selfish anyway, and started to push himself away from the wall. Every step he took on his foot ached, but he didn’t want to use the crutches anymore. He didn’t want to rely on them. Feeling ridiculous and self-centered, Sokka started to turn away, but stopped and looked back when the door suddenly opened. Katara was visibly tired and he felt awful for waking her, that feeling amplifying times a thousand when her expression fell, and she stepped out of the room to support his left side. She walked him over to her bed and he sat down on the end of it, Sokka staring at his hands as she slid over a stool for him to rest his leg on before taking a seat beside him.</p><p>“Sorry,” Sokka babbled, the words coming out before he could let his sister get in a word. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I mean, I did, but I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know why I did it. Not that— I know why I did it, I was just— I don’t know. I’m sorry I woke you up. I should probably just go.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay.” Katara’s gaze drifted down to Sokka’s leg when she reached out a hand to stop him from trying to move; likely because the bandages supporting his shin were entirely exposed in his sleep shorts. He tried not to focus on that, nor the fact that he was shirtless and therefore exposing the scars he’d managed to hide under his coats for years back at the tribe. Thankfully, his sister didn’t look at those yet. “What happened? Are you all right?”</p><p>“Yeah. Well, no.” He pulled his hair back behind his ear, wishing he’d thought this through more. His scars were exposed, his bandages were exposed, and he didn’t even have a hair tie to stop the too short strands from flopping into his face. At least they covered the depression in his eyes. “I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about like… bad things, I guess. I don’t know. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have woken you up for this. It’s fine if you want to go back to sleep, I think I just— I don’t want to be alone.”</p><p>“Sokka, seriously, you’re okay. I want to help you, I just don’t know what’s wrong. You have to talk to me.”</p><p>But that was the problem. Sokka didn’t know what was wrong either. All he knew was that he was deeply sad and there was no good reason for it. His friends made him happy, his family made him happy, <em>Zuko </em>made him happy, but he still felt like something was wrong. He still struggled to fall asleep, and not just because he was having regular nightmares thanks to the pains in his leg. It was just an unwavering feeling of sadness that got in the way of everything he did, and he didn’t know how to make it go away. He didn’t even know what was causing it and that was the part that hurt the most. Because he was working hard, he was still attending the occasional meeting, and every time he was feeling like it was too much, his friends were there to help him. There was absolutely no good reason for him to be sad but he was and he despised it. Sokka just shook his head, unable to think up anything to say.</p><p>“I don’t know.” It was the truth, pathetic as it sounded. He had no idea why he felt so awful that night. “Like I said, I just— I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know what happened, I was just lying in bed and I was sad and then I got out of bed and I wanted to— I actually— I actually <em>held </em>the knife. Like I dragged the dull part all over my arms. I almost did it and then I thought about what Dad said and I wanted to talk to him but he’s not here so I… yeah. I don’t even know anymore. I don’t even know what’s wrong. I’m just… sad. I guess. I don’t know why. Sorry, this is so fucking stupid. I’m just going to go.”</p><p>“No, Sokka, stop. It’s not stupid.” Katara grabbed on to his upper arm, stopping him from moving. When she released, he slid his other hand up to chew on his thumb and though she was <em>clearly </em>bothered by it, Katara must’ve recognized it as a coping mechanism because she didn’t say anything. “I know we haven’t talked about it a lot but from everything I’ve heard, it sounds like you’re depressed. And with all the stuff Shin was saying about your addiction and getting off of that, it makes sense that it would get worse as a side effect. It’s okay to be sad, you just have to talk to us. I’m really proud that you did tonight. I know you feel guilty, but you shouldn’t. You would have felt worse if you actually did it, right?”</p><p>Sokka nodded, looking down to the scars on his free arm. Katara’s gaze followed his, and she reached over to give his hand a squeeze. He didn’t even force a smile when he looked at her, knowing she would understand. “Thank you for being here for me. I’m really sorry for waking you up.”</p><p>“It’s okay. I’d rather lose some sleep helping you than lose sleep not knowing whether you’re all right. Do you want to stay in here with me? Not because I want to supervise you or anything, it’s just that you said you didn’t want to be alone and if you want to hang out, there’s probably enough room in this bed for the entire gang.”</p><p>Though he felt like he shouldn’t, like he’d already interrupted her evening enough, Sokka only nodded. He didn’t know if he could trust himself to be on his own that night. So, he flopped over to the front of the bed, burying his face in the pillows as Katara lined up a row of pillows for him to rest his leg on despite his protests. It wasn’t perfect, or even exactly ideal, but Sokka felt a lot better after he talked to his sister. It was one of many scary steps he would have to take to recover and he was proud he could make it happen, even if it <em>was </em>three in the damn morning.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Though Sokka felt better after talking to Katara, he still didn’t get enough sleep and was exhausted by the time he woke up. Katara was already gone when he opened his eyes, but there was a note telling him to meet her and the others in the courtyard if he was feeling up to it. He also noticed that his crutches were propped up against the dresser beside the bed and sighed deeply. Of course, Katara wasn’t about to let him try and walk out of there without them. She was already disappointed enough when her bending failed to fully heal his injury and was on top of him more than anyone else about making sure that it was okay. Not that he was particularly keen to let it stay in pain for any longer than it needed to. It was rare he didn’t have nightmares anymore and every time he accidentally stepped on that foot, he had to tear himself out of a panic attack before it was too late.</p><p>After hobbling to his foot and shoving the crutches under his arms, Sokka stepped out of the room and headed back into his own. He dragged on a fresh set of clothing before pulling a tie through his hair and slipping back out the door, hesitating before he went over to the courtyard. He wanted to hang out with his friends, but he wanted to hang out with <em>all </em>of his friends, and they weren’t together if Zuko wasn’t with them. So, instead of going straight outside, Sokka walked over to Zuko’s room and knocked on the door; waiting for someone to answer it before barging in and tripping over his crutches. Iroh smiled at him when he pulled back the door, opening it wide so he was able to come in. Zuko was awake, of course—pouring over what looked to be some kind of work on his lap with an inkless brush in his mouth. He turned his gaze up when Sokka walked in, biting down on his lip as a small smile tugged at his lips.</p><p>“Hey, uh, all the guys are hanging out in the courtyard,” Sokka started awkwardly, glancing back and forth between Zuko and his uncle, “and I was wondering if you could come with? It’s fine if you’re not feeling well today or if you’re not allowed to leave but I thought it might be nice to sit out in the sun for a while. If you want. I don’t know why I’m being so awkward, sorry. I’ve been awake for like, five minutes.”</p><p>“It’s fine.” Somehow, Zuko only looked amused, still chewing on the corner of his lip between words. For the first time since the bandages came off, he was wearing a tank top which displayed the faint pink and white lines and spots that were scattered around his arms. Sokka <em>knew </em>he shouldn’t think they were pretty but something about him was drawn to them and his eyes trailed up and down Zuko’s arms twice before he looked back to his gaze. “Thanks for the offer, but I don’t think I’m really allowed to leave. I kind of refused breakfast again? So, Uncle’s a little upset with me right now and I’m sure Shin would be too but now that the bandages are gone, we’re not doing daily checks anymore.”</p><p>“You should go, Fire Lord Zuko,” said Iroh, from where he was still standing near the door. Though Zuko had said he was upset, his tone sounded nothing but pleased and Sokka couldn’t help but turn to Zuko with a hopeful smile. “I am not upset with you, and I am sure your friends will be happy to make sure you get something to eat. Right, Sokka?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, of course.” Sokka nodded quickly, turning to look at Zuko. He didn’t <em>look </em>sick or upset, but something must have been wrong for him to refuse another meal when he’d been trying so hard to get better. “I’m sure that they have <em>plenty </em>of snacks out there and if not, we can grab something. So, it’s okay? We won’t be gone all day, I told Azula I’d do a meeting with her this afternoon, but maybe an hour or so?”</p><p>“That’s fine. Go. You should get some sunlight, my nephew.”</p><p>Zuko smiled and for once, it seemed genuine. He grabbed a hair tie off his table as he slipped out of bed, dragging his hair back into a ponytail before slipping a longer shirt over his head. Sokka almost told him that it was warm outside, and he didn’t need it, but realized that Zuko probably wasn’t ready for everyone else to see his scars yet and kept his mouth shut. When the Fire Lord finally walked over to him, not bothering with shoes, Sokka wanted badly to touch him in some way—holding his hand, draping an arm around his shoulders, supporting him around the waist—but he couldn’t. His stupid arms were stuck dealing with the crutches for his stupid leg, so he was stuck just staring at Zuko in silence, which was apparently enough. Zuko looked to him for several seconds, like he wanted to kiss him but couldn’t do it, then slid an arm around Sokka’s shoulders as they headed out of the room. It was a little awkward walking like that but Sokka didn’t care one bit.</p><p>When they got out into the courtyard, the others were already flopped down in the grass. Katara was telling off Toph for something she was doing in the dirt, while Suki lay back on a blanket she and Katara were sharing. Sokka sat beneath a nearby tree, flopping down against it. He hesitated for a long second, then gestured for Zuko to come over to where he was sitting. It was weird, being out in front of everyone, in front of the people he’d been so scared to tell for so long, but he wanted to get more confident and there was only one way to do that. He slid his legs a little further apart than he normally would’ve when Zuko knelt down beside him, wrapping his arms around the Fire Lord’s waist as he pulled him in close. At first, Zuko blushed furiously, looking around as if the world were planning to destroy him just for sitting with a boy, but after a few seconds, he managed to relax; leaning back against Sokka’s shoulder. It was ridiculous, but Sokka <em>loved</em> being the one to hold onto Zuko. Sure, he was in a fragile emotional state, but he was still an absolute badass and the fact that Sokka—random, non-bender, also emotionally-fragile Sokka—could make him feel safe made him forget about all the ways he’d felt like he’d failed.</p><p>For a few minutes, no one said anything about the way they were sitting, Zuko between Sokka’s legs and holding onto the arms that wrapped around his waist, but then Sokka made the mistake of kissing the top of Zuko’s head and suddenly Toph cried out for them to get a room. It was absolutely meant to be humorous but Zuko’s face went bright red again and Sokka held on to him a little tighter as Suki rolled her eyes jokingly and defended the boys’ right to sit as close together as they wanted to. In all honesty, Katara looked a little strange, like she wasn’t entirely comfortable with the situation, but Sokka chose not to focus on that. It would take him a while to get used to it if she had a boyfriend she was snuggling up with too. He pushed aside any thoughts that surrounded the idea that she might have been uncomfortable with it because there was a <em>boy </em>between his legs. She’d already told him that she was okay with it, and he knew that even if she <em>were </em>having a harder time with it, she would do everything she could to change that.</p><p>“So…” Toph rolled over in the dirt, shifting her feet to point towards Sokka and Zuko. “Are you two twinks ever gonna tell us how this whole thing started, or are we just supposed to imagine you’ve been boning this entire time ourselves?”</p><p>Sokka choked on his own spit. “Would you stop with that?! My sister is right there! And for the record, there’s no grand love story or some shit, it just sort of… happened. I don’t know. We got really close working together and then things happened when we were training and somehow my lips ended up on his and it just kind of spiraled. Nothing is even officially, really. I mean, not that I don’t want it to be, it’s just that with everything going on, we haven’t exactly had the chance to talk about it.”</p><p>“Yeah, and I haven’t exactly had the chance to think about it.” It was only because Zuko’s wrist was touching Sokka’s that he recognized when the Fire Lord’s heart rate shot through the roof. Rather than giving him space, Sokka held him closer, hoping it would help him to understand that it was okay, and regardless of what happened in his past, no one there was judging him. “I like you a lot, Sokka, but I don’t— I don’t think we can—”</p><p>“No.” He squeezed tighter to Zuko’s waist, ignoring the all too visible ribs that pressed against his arms. “Please don’t say it. Please.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Sokka, but I’m the <em>Fire Lord</em>. I really— if things were different, if I was just working at a tea shop in Ba Sing Se, maybe we could— I don’t know, but I’m supposed to marry a noblewoman and carry on the bloodline and have a nuclear family and— nobody wants me to have a husband.”</p><p>“That’s a nice string of bullshit.” It was Toph who spoke up, leaning back in the dirt as she let out a deep sigh to blow the hair from her face. “Fuck whatever ‘they’ want. What do <em>you </em>want? You can keep pretending you’re going to have this perfect royal family like you’re always saying but you’re not, okay? If you do that, you’re never going to be happy. You’re <em>gay</em>, Zuko. You’re not going to marry a noblewoman.”</p><p>“I’m not—!” Zuko sat up quickly, dragging Sokka up with him. Though he knew he should pull away, Sokka didn’t; trying to provide Zuko with whatever comfort he needed until he moved on his own. “It doesn’t matter what I want, Toph. I’m the fucking Fire Lord. There are standards and traditions, and it doesn’t matter how much support you or anyone else gives me, it would fuck up everything if I was— I’m not, okay? I can’t be.”</p><p>“But you <em>are</em>.” This time, Suki spoke up, her tone far gentler that Toph’s was. She looked toward Zuko and Sokka with the friendliest expression, clearly wanting to do her best to help them. “It’s okay, Zuko. If there’s anything these last few months have taught you, it has to be that you don’t need to be the perfect Fire Lord, right? You’re doing your best and as long as you’re helping the people, I don’t think they’ll care whether you have a husband or a wife. And Sokka, I know what you’re thinking about, so you have to relax on that front too, okay? You can figure this out. The distance won’t hurt you like it hurt us. I have to travel all over the world but Zuko is right here. He’s always going to be right here.”</p><p>“And we’re always going to be at home,” Katara added. “So, if you want to stay here with… with <em>Zuko </em>for a while or go back and forth, that’s okay. I know that this isn’t— it’s not widely accepted around the world, but it could be. You could help people see that it’s okay and the future generations wouldn’t have to be scared anymore. Maybe someday, no one will have to suffer in silence like you both did.”</p><p>“Don’t go, Zuko. Please.” Toph’s was almost begging him, her tone sad. It wasn’t until she spoke that Sokka realized Zuko was turning his body to stand up, though he stopped after Toph asked him to stay. “Just forget about it for today, okay? I don’t give a shit what the people are expecting of you and I know the rest of us don’t either so just… just stay here and hang out with us, all right? We love you the way you are, Twinkie.”</p><p>Several long seconds passed before Zuko finally settled back into Sokka’s grasp, letting out a deep breath as Sokka pressed his forehead above Zuko’s low ponytail and squeezed him tighter. “Fine, but can you not take nicknames from my sister anymore? ‘Twinkie’ is one thing but if you all start calling me ‘Zuzu’, I’m going to burn something the fuck down. Also, I know I’m being a little shit again, so I’m sorry, Sokka. It’s not about you, it’s just…”</p><p>“It’s all right, I get it.” He did. He understood that Zuko was using the excuse of royal expectations to shield the fact that he was still traumatized from the way his piece of shit father raised him. Sokka sighed, leaning back into the tree as he shifted to make himself comfortable with Zuko on top of him again. Suddenly, he had an epiphany. “Hey, Katara, can you toss me some of those snacks? Zuko hasn’t eaten anything.”</p><p>Though he was hoping that they could kind of shift the tone with the snacks, it didn’t go quite as smoothly as Sokka had hoped for. Zuko tried to refuse the food, stating that he was sick to his stomach, but Sokka argued that he needed to have something and ended up basically force feeding him in a way that <em>he </em>thought was pretty cute but Zuko only rolled his eyes at. Until he turned around, his legs wrapping around Sokka’s waist and kicking the sides of the tree as he turned the tables and shoved an entire handful of extra hot fire flakes into his mouth, and suddenly the afternoon took a turn for the better. They laughed a lot. They kissed a lot. The girls called them ‘oogie’ a lot. But it didn’t matter. They were happy.</p><p>For once in their goddamn miserable lives, they were happy.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0071"><h2>71. Chapter Sixty-Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the second or third time they kissed that afternoon when Zuko realized he was pretty much in love with Sokka and it was safe to say there was a lot going on in his mind by the time they went back to his room. He said nothing to Iroh when he flopped down into bed, burying his face in the pillows, but he knew that his uncle could tell something was wrong. It was pretty obvious from the way he nearly suffocated himself in the cushions and dragged his arms around like an idiot until Iroh nudged the turtle duck into his arms for him to cling to. But luckily, his uncle was the greatest man in the entire world and didn’t push Zuko to tell him what happened before he was ready. All he asked was whether Zuko managed to get something to eat, and he nodded but didn’t elaborate. He didn’t need to tell his uncle that he was basically force fed by Sokka and that <em>that </em>quickly devolved into making out.</p><p>He knew he was gay. By that point, he’d run out of ways to deny it to himself. He’d never, <em>ever </em>felt the same way about a woman as he did about Sokka, both physically and emotionally. He’d sat down with himself several times, gone over all the things that happened throughout his life, and concluded that he was absolutely, without a doubt gay. But that didn’t mean he was in any way comfortable with it. Was he happy with Sokka? Yes. Did he like making out with Sokka? Yes. Did he like cuddling and spending time with Sokka? Yes. But every damn time they did something, he ended up with this weird feeling of guilt in his stomach. Like he was disappointing someone even though there was no one to disappoint. Did some of the asshole counselors disapprove? Yes, but he didn’t give a shit. Did the Earth Kingdom disapprove? Yes, but that wasn’t their fucking business. Did his father disapprove? Abso-fucking-lutely but he <em>wanted </em>that asshole to hate him. So why, <em>why </em>was he still having so much trouble accepting the fact that he was into guys?</p><p>“Are you all right, Fire Lord Zuko?” asked Iroh gently, though everything he said was slightly muffled from the way Zuko was sitting. “If you would like, I can make you some tea, and we can—”</p><p>“I have to tell you something.” Zuko sat up suddenly, turning to look at his uncle with wide eyes. He swallowed hard, his eyes darting all around when the words left his mouth and sent Iroh into a shock. “I’m gay. And I know you know about me and Sokka already, but I felt like I really needed to say that. Also, you probably noticed this a long time ago, but I lied to you when we were on the ship and I’m not fine. I can barely process anything on my left side so when I’m lying down like that, I can’t hear anything you’re saying, and I can’t see where you are. I’m sorry. I don’t know if I’ve ignored you before but sometimes I just honestly, I can’t— I’m sorry. For not saying something sooner. For liking boys. For lying. For falling apart the way I did. For not trying harder. For everything.”</p><p>Zuko didn’t even get the chance to flop back onto his face before his uncle rushed to his side, pulling him into the world’s tightest embrace. He didn’t make a sound when Iroh held him close, just squeezing his eyes shut and letting the silent tears roll down his cheeks. Not just because of what he said, but because of the <em>meaning </em>behind everything he said. Because he lied to his uncle for years. Because he liked Sokka so much and he <em>still</em> felt guilty about it. Because the nation needed him to be better and he’d let himself fall apart. But Iroh didn’t care; he just held Zuko in his arms, letting him have as much comfort as he needed. It took him a few minutes to calm down, to finally relax enough for his uncle to think it was time to say something. Zuko slid away slowly, brushing a hand over his cheeks as he stared down to his hands. He didn’t like looking at the scars, so he kept his hands closed, blocking his view of his palms. Iroh sighed softly before he spoke, not urging his nephew to move.</p><p>“You don’t have to be sorry for anything, Fire Lord Zuko.” His tone was so kind, so loving, and Zuko couldn’t even begin to fathom how <em>he </em>got lucky enough to have an uncle as amazing as him. “I am so proud of you. I know you don’t always feel like it but ever since I got here, you have been trying so hard to improve yourself. You are doing so well, and your people miss and appreciate you so much. Don’t focus on what you’ve done wrong, focus on the things you’ve done <em>right</em>.”</p><p>“Thank you, Uncle. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Zuko sniffed, pushing another hand over his eyes before he went on, unable to lift his gaze. “But I don’t know if it’s going to be enough. I don’t— you know better than anyone that I’ve sucked at the whole social thing for my entire life and even if I recover from this, I don’t— I don’t know if I can ever get past that. I don’t know if I can learn how to talk to people and look at their eyes and not freak out when I’m in a crowd and I can’t be a good Fire Lord if I can’t do those things. Even if I have good ideas, the people won’t— they won’t trust someone with anxiety like mine.”</p><p>“Okay, but they love your ideas and if anyone gives you shit about something you can’t control, I’ll kick their asses.” Mai closed the door behind her, surprising Zuko as he looked up to see she was there only to turn away when she tried to meet his gaze. She sighed and walked over to the bed, leaning against the frame as glanced between Zuko and his uncle. “Seriously, Zuko, I’m not kidding. If anyone says anything to you about your anxiety or being gay or anything like that, we got your back. We all do. I just saw Azula and Suki chewing out one of your politicians because they didn’t like that you’re into guys. Pretty sure they fired his ass twice each. Just let us know, all right? I know you like to kick their asses a lot yourself but if you’re too anxious, any one of us would be glad to do it for you.”</p><p>“So, you don’t—?” He cut himself off, not quite sure how to finish his thought. How to ask whether they secretly despised him or were truly proud of him regardless of the fact that he couldn’t make eye contact, hold a conversation, or see himself with a woman. “My father always told me it was a weakness. The anxiety, I mean. And when I went to see him in prison he told me that the Fire Lord can’t— can’t be— he said that it would destroy our relationship with the other nations, and I know you said it’s nothing but every time I feel like… every time I feel like <em>that </em>about Sokka I just feel so fucking guilty and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t— I wanted to get rid of the feelings before but now I just want to get rid of the guilt. I want to stop feeling like it’s wrong and I want to know how to talk to people without shaking and avoiding their eyes, but I don’t know how to do that.”</p><p>Apparently, no one else knew how to help him do that either because the things they said to him after that didn’t fix the problem. Iroh reassured him, Mai reassured him (before collecting some of the things he’d been working on to bring back to Azula in her meeting), but neither of them had a solution. All Mai did was tell him she was willing to kick the asses of anyone who judged him for his weaknesses, while Iroh assured him that he would get better at it over time and that once he got more comfortable with therapy, they would be able to help him with everything. Zuko did appreciate the sentiment when his uncle told him he would help him however he could, but his feelings didn’t change. He still felt guilty, he still felt anxious, and he still didn’t know if he could be the Fire Lord that he wanted to be. But his family meant a lot to him, so he just smiled and thanked them as Mai left and Iroh rose to get them more tea. They didn’t have to know that he was still upset. They didn’t have to know everything that was running through his head.</p><p>Though he was still technically on bedrest and all his friends did their best to make sure that he was still eating and sleeping enough, Zuko started to leave his room more following that afternoon. He still wasn’t allowed to attend to most of his duties and his friends held him accountable on that, but he took a lot of walks. Usually, he just wandered around and came back when he ran into one of his friends, but he also liked to end his walk in Sokka’s room and hang out for a while. Even though the guilt wouldn’t leave him alone, it felt too nice to spend time with him and so instead of trying to pretend nothing happened, he sat with him. Sokka was still very actively working but spent most of his time in bed or spread out on the floor thanks to his leg, and Zuko found that when he came in, Sokka was often shaking. Eventually, he confessed it was because he was frustrated at his own lack of focus, at which point Zuko discovered that there were a few ways to help him through that. Two of the simplest were, as he learned, to hold his hand when he started chewing on his thumb, and to sit on his lap so he would divide his attention healthily.</p><p>Of course, the problem with this was that Zuko himself was still recovering too and thanks to his astute inability to repair his diet or sleep schedule, he kept falling asleep on top of Sokka when all he intended to do was sit with him. Sometimes it wasn’t such a big deal; usually when Sokka was working in bed and Zuko just conked out at his side, or when he leaned against the wall beside him and drifted onto Sokka’s shoulder. Sometimes Sokka fell asleep too, and that always made him feel a little less awkward. But that particular evening, he fell asleep in pretty much the worst place possible and was barely coherent enough to register what he’d done even after waking up. In his defense, it <em>was </em>getting rather late and he was <em>terrible </em>at staying up past a certain hour, but Sokka was still wide awake and it was far too embarrassing for him to pass out the way he had.</p><p>He was sitting on top of Sokka’s lap with his forehead on his shoulder, arms wrapped around the boy’s waist. He looked a little less like a lover than a child, but he was too out of it to register anything other than the fact that Sokka’s hair was tickling his neck, and his left hand was holding Zuko’s back, almost as if to keep him in place. Zuko groaned and nuzzled his head further into Sokka’s shoulder, the gentle sounds of the other boy’s brush strokes and shifting papers lulling him back to sleep. He was barely coherent at that point, the faint sounds and Sokka’s warm hand holding his back and playing with his hair the only things he could really process. Instead of bothering to try and wake up, Zuko just shifted his arms to cling onto Sokka, feeling like he needed another six or eight hours of sleep before he’d be ready to wake up. But then, something happened, and he had to turn his head slightly to understand the words that Sokka was saying.</p><p>“Zuko. Hey. Open your eyes, sweetheart.” The nickname made him feel happy and uncomfortable all at the same time, as did the gentle kiss Sokka pressed to the side of his head. “Seriously, Zuko, babe, come on, I want to show you something.”</p><p>“I’m tired.” His tone was stupid and annoying, but he wanted to be honest.</p><p>Sokka just kissed his head again, toying with the bottom of his hair. “I know, but it’ll just take a second, okay? It’s really, really important. Look. I was reading these plans for the colonies and I found a note in here from the Earth King that said they don’t want to make any big decisions until you’re back in good health. See? Problems or not, they respect you too much to do anything without your input and consent.”</p><p>“They trutht me?” Zuko reached up a hand to rub the sleep from his eyes, reminding himself that Sokka wasn’t going to think less of him if he lisped in his sleepy state. “I thought— I thought they would hate me becauthe I told the counthil I like boyth.”</p><p>“Honestly, I thought so too. But there’s actually another note in here which clarifies that they’re going to put aside all ‘personal differences’ and ‘unconfirmed rumors’ for the good of the nation. The Earth Kingdom might be full of homophobes but at least they know what’s good for the nation, right? Now we just have to get you back on the throne and then we can figure all this stuff out. You’ve been doing better recently, right? Zuko? Shit, sorry, can you hear me okay? I just realized I’m talking to your left.”</p><p>“Mm, it’th fine. You’re clothe enough. I’m jutht tired. I’m not good at thtaying up late.”</p><p>“Yeah, I noticed.” Sokka shifted suddenly, wrapping his other arm around Zuko. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”</p><p>“No, no, no. Thtop.” He pulled away before Sokka could stand up, finally sliding off his lap as he wrapped a hand around his arm, lifting it up over his own shoulder. Sokka groaned but Zuko just gave him a look; twisting to kiss the inside of his arm before he used his free hand to flick a stray strand of hair hanging in front of Sokka’s ear. “Thank you and I know I weigh nothing but you thould not be putting weight on that leg. Here.”</p><p>Though it was clear that Sokka didn’t like having to be walked over to his bed, he didn’t argue and allowed Zuko to help him over there. Zuko made sure Sokka was lying down with his leg in a good place before he crawled over him to the other side of the bed, putting Sokka to his left. His eyes almost popped out of his skull when Sokka threw his shirt off, sliding the tie out of his hair, and though he tried to hide it, Zuko knew his entire face was flushed bright red. He could deny it as much as he wanted but as he sat there, staring in awe as Sokka got ready for bed in what felt like slow motion, there was absolutely no doubt he was attracted to men in a way he’d never been attracted to women. He still didn’t know how to be okay with that as a whole but the more time he spent with Sokka, the more he felt like being with him was just <em>right</em>. Liking boys was hard and it was scary but if it meant he got to be with Sokka then maybe it was worth the hurt.</p><p>Of course, Zuko’s furiously red blush was too much to get past Sokka and suddenly, the guy reached over and placed a hand on either side of the Fire Lord’s face, leaning in to kiss him. At first, it was a little strange—not the fact that Sokka was kissing him, but the fact that one of his thumbs was brushing over Zuko’s scar. He’d apparently suffered nerve damage from the burn and struggled to feel anything and yet somehow, Sokka’s hands felt soft. It was hard to feel exactly where he was at and he couldn’t really distinguish the movement of Sokka’s finger from his own cheek, but he liked it. He liked it, and instead of trying to pull away like he’d done to everyone for the past several years, he just reached up and placed one hand on top of Sokka’s; using his thumb to stroke the back of his hand. Unfortunately, Sokka seemed to take the gesture the wrong way and pulled back suddenly, his eyes wide.</p><p>“Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to—”</p><p>“No, it’th good.” He smiled, biting down on his lip. “I think I’m getting better at letting people touch it. Or you, at leatht. Here, lie down.”</p><p>Sokka was visibly confused when Zuko told him what to do, like he had no idea what was about to happen. Given that they were just making out, Zuko decided to tease him a bit and hesitated, dragging a finger across the center of Sokka’s torso before he flopped down beside him. He snuggled in closer before resting his head on Sokka’s chest, allowing his eyes to close again. Sokka froze for a second, then let out a breath and wrapped his arm around Zuko, pulling him in tight to his side. Yes, Sokka was exceptionally hot without his shirt or hair tie but Zuko was also exceptionally sleepy and all he really wanted to do with the other boy was take a six-to-eight-hour nap. Thankfully, Sokka seemed to be in the same place, and bent down to give him one more quick kiss on the top of the head before he stretched his other arm around Zuko to hold onto him protectively. Normally, Zuko would’ve felt weakened by the gesture but with Sokka, it just felt nice. He felt safe, comforted, and within seconds, he was falling back asleep.</p><p>They both had trouble sleeping and Zuko was well aware of that. Before his friends had all come back for him, Zuko was so busy that he just kept forgetting and it threw off his internal clock so badly that he lost track of when he needed to do it. Even on bedrest, he tended to fall asleep at the most random times, failing to keep any kind of coherent schedule aside from the fact that he clocked out for at least an hour after it got really dark outside. Sokka, on the other hand, struggled badly with nightmares, though he was still learning to open up about exactly what they were. Zuko did know that they were the worst when his leg ached, which was part of why he’d taken to sneaking out into Sokka’s room after his uncle fell asleep (yes, he was well aware that Iroh knew where he was going, but they had an unspoken agreement to not talk about it); because both of them slept a thousand times better when they were at each other’s side. He didn’t know <em>why </em>exactly, whether it made them feel safe or happy or something else, but he knew it worked. He knew that Sokka could make him fall asleep with one kiss and he knew that he could comfort Sokka through any nightmare without even waking him up and it was a good thing he was always prepared because Sokka woke him up that night.</p><p>He wasn’t being loud in the least, Zuko was just an incredibly light sleeper—which he attributed to paranoia—and as soon as Sokka started twitching, he opened his eyes. The weird thing was that every time Sokka panicked in his sleep before, he would grip onto Zuko’s arm, but he didn’t do that this time. Instead, he just held onto Zuko’s torso, squeezing him in one of the tightest embraces he’d ever known. His entire body was shaking as he groaned quietly, mumbling something that Zuko couldn’t quite understand. Hoping he could help him the way he’d done before, just by being there, Zuko pressed his head into Sokka’s shoulder and slid his arm around to hold his hand, gently gripping it as he tried to wake him up. It took a few long minutes and far too many shallow breath’s on Sokka’s part but eventually, his blue eyes fluttered open and shut again, his body finally relaxing. Again, the last couple times Zuko caught him having a nightmare, he’d ended it by releasing his tight grip on Zuko’s arm and lying back in the pillows, but he didn’t do it that time. Instead, he held him tighter.</p><p>“Are you okay?” asked Zuko quietly. “That thounded bad.”</p><p>“Mm.” Sokka’s breaths were heavy as he clung to Zuko’s smaller figure, holding him tightly against his chest, and pressing his own forehead against the top of Zuko’s. He said nothing for another long moment, giving Zuko space to wonder whether he was actually okay. When he finally did speak, his words were quiet and short, as if he couldn’t quite get them out. “Sorry. It was… war stuff. My leg hurts.”</p><p>“It’th okay.” He wrapped his own arms around Sokka’s stomach, hoping he could provide some kind of comfort though his arms were annoyingly bony and covered in healing scars. “Wath it about thomething different? You thounded more thcared. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but you can. It’th fine.”</p><p>“No, sorry, it was just— normally it’s about Toph and Suki and I can deal with that because I’m used to it but it wasn’t— it was— it was about you. You went to the Agni Kai, but you didn’t— you— shit, sorry. You died. In my nightmare. You died and I— I didn’t know what to do because I know you’re still really scared of this as being an actual thing and I don’t want to rush you but to be completely honest, a lot of shit has happened since I got here, and I think— I think I love you and I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to you. I can’t let anything happen to you because you mean everything to me, and I know I’m babbling right now because I’m stressed and I’m half-asleep so sorry about that, but I— yeah. Sorry. You don’t have to respond to that. And sorry I woke you up.”</p><p>Zuko said nothing at first, completely lost as to how he was meant to respond to that. There were very few people who ever said they loved him and approximately <em>zero </em>who said that they loved him like that. Even Mai never directly told him she loved him while they were together, just that she hated him less than most other people. Yes, she’d told him she loved him <em>after </em>that, but it only further proved the point that their relationship was never that real in the first place. The only problem was that he wished she <em>had </em>said that to him because he would at least know how not to respond—obviously, he had zero confidence in himself and was absolutely certain he would fuck up should anyone say that to him—so he wouldn’t make a complete fool of himself, but there he was. Even Sokka knew that he was going to be clueless as to what to say since he’d assured him he didn’t have to respond, but he felt like he needed to say <em>something</em>, he just didn’t know what.</p><p>He started by giving Sokka a tighter, closer hug because he wanted him to feel like he was safe even though Zuko was still definitively the little spoon, despite the fact he was backwards and leaning <em>into </em>Sokka’s chest that day rather than away from it. Then he gave him a few more seconds to catch his breath because fuck, Zuko needed the time to think as much as Sokka needed the time to breathe. All things considered, he cared about Sokka a lot. <em>A lot</em>. Zuko knew that he was attracted to him and he knew that he adored spending time with him, he just didn’t know if being in a relationship was something he could do. Not just because he was still grossly internally homophobic thanks to his upbringing, but because he was just such a fucked-up person and he wasn’t sure it was worth it for Sokka. He didn’t know if he was worthy of the love and he wanted to say something serious like that, to tell Sokka how he <em>really </em>felt, but it was still late, and he was sleepy and out of it, and the words that came out of his mouth were not exactly the elegant acceptance and refusal that he was looking for.</p><p>“You’re really pretty.”</p><p>The moment the words rolled off his tongue, Zuko felt awful. It was like he’d said, “thank you”, or something equally as stupid and impersonal that made the person telling you they loved you feel like shit. But somehow, miraculously, Sokka didn’t see it like that. He was silent for a few seconds, then made a quiet breathy sound which Zuko quickly realized was <em>laughing</em>. He wasn’t upset, he was smiling and giggling and instead of shoving Zuko away and telling him they couldn’t keep sleeping in each other’s beds, he pulled him in closer and kissed his head as his fingers played with the Fire Lord’s loose hair. He rested his head on top of Zuko’s after that, just holding him close and taking deep breaths. It took him far too long to actually say any words and by the time he did, Zuko felt like he was going to burst from the anticipation.</p><p>“I want to be with you.” His words were soft and quiet, and he shifted his head, so he’d be speaking closer to Zuko’s right ear to help him hear better. “I’ve liked you a lot for months now and when we went on our ‘date’ and then the other day when we were sitting in the courtyard, all I could think about was that you’re the cutest person I’ve ever met, and I don’t ever want to lose you. And I know this is all really scary for you and it’s hard and that’s okay. If you want to take this slow, we can. If you want to take this at a goddamn snail pace, we can. I just— I don’t want to lose this. I don’t want to lose you.”</p><p>Zuko slid away from him slightly, looking up to meet Sokka’s eyes. He held the gaze and for once, did not struggle as he stared into the gorgeous blue eyes looking down at him. It took a few seconds for him to finally get up the courage to make a move but when he did, he didn’t regret it. He shifted his body upwards and pressed his lips against Sokka’s, one hand staying around his waist and the other moving to hold the back of his head. Zuko seriously had a thing for Sokka’s messy haircut and couldn’t stop himself from twirling his fingers around the tangled strands as they kissed; Sokka moving his own hands down to Zuko’s waist to pull him over on top of himself. It was weird releasing control the way he did with Sokka but the more time they spent together, the more he got used to the fact that the other boy was almost always guiding the situation, regardless of where he lay. So, instead of trying to figure out how he was meant to approach the situation by himself, Zuko let Sokka pull him down by his shirt and kiss him again as he pushed his hair back over his shoulders.</p><p>People touching Zuko’s hair was always a problem for him. He couldn’t stand hands on his face, his neck, his shoulders, and yet he let Sokka kiss all those places and more, not even resisting when he dragged Zuko’s shirt over his head and discarded it on the bedside table beside his own. With anyone else, the movements might have felt rough or scary but Sokka was kind and gentle and he took it as slowly as Zuko needed. Though their bare torsos were warm against each other, Zuko wasn’t ready to go any further and Sokka didn’t push him to do so. He guided the Fire Lord through the motions, teaching him how to love someone in a way he never truly had before, while still giving Zuko complete control over the speed at which they did it. There were a lot of things he’d become fond of that he didn’t even realize until Sokka did them after confessing to his feelings, like the way he softly licked Zuko’s bottom lip before deepening their kisses or gripped between his ribs and his hips when Zuko sat on his lap. He reached down and grabbed one of Sokka’s hands, lacing their fingers together without breaking contact on any other part of their bodies.</p><p>Though he didn’t know how Sokka felt, for Zuko, everything about that night was perfect. The only part he wanted to change was the way he’d embarrassingly fallen asleep on Sokka’s lap while he was doing work, and ironically, the fact that the same sort of situation ended their make out session too. One minute, they were kissing and holding hands and Sokka’s fingers were tickling the back of Zuko’s neck and the next, he was completely out of it lying on Sokka’s shoulder the exact way he’d fallen asleep on him before. He was just coherent enough to know that Sokka didn’t say a word, just carefully shifted his lightweight not-quite-boyfriend onto his side, turning him back into the little spoon he’d become so fond of. Zuko didn’t open his eyes as he settled into Sokka’s grasp; too tired to even apologize for falling asleep in the middle of their nice moment. But Sokka didn’t care and he didn’t have to say anything for Zuko to know that. He just wrapped his arms around the Fire Lord’s stomach and pressed his head against the back of his neck in that same cozy way they were getting used to.</p><p>Being with a boy was still terrifying, way more than he wanted to admit, but having that boy be Sokka made it more than worth the fear.</p>
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<a name="section0072"><h2>72. Chapter Sixty-Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Given the fact that he’d admitted to feeling inexplicably sad since his breakdown and three times confessed that he felt the urge to self-harm, it should have come as no surprise that Hakoda’s first business upon arriving back in the Fire Nation was to check on his son, but Sokka was startled anyway. Of course, that was partially because it wasn’t his dad himself who came to find him, but Katara, who somehow knew that he was in Zuko’s room that morning despite the fact that he hadn’t said anything to anyone. Though, given the fact that they hadn’t slept apart in over a week at that point, it again shouldn’t have been surprising that was the first place she chose to look when his room was vacant. Still, it was an awkward situation, having your shirtless, not-quite-but-really-want-him-to-be-your-boyfriend asleep on your equally bare shoulder when your sister suddenly comes into the room, and Sokka reacted appropriately.</p><p>“What are you doing?” he snapped, his face flushing as he forced himself to keep his voice low. Zuko was still having trouble maintaining a regular sleep schedule and they had no good reason to wake him up. “If you need to talk to Zuko, he’s sleeping, so you can go now, and if you were looking for me, then how did you know I was in here and why did you just bust in like that?”</p><p>“Dad just got back from the tribe and he wanted to know if you were all right,” said Katara, following his lead and keeping her voice low as she crept over to them. Sokka slid the blanket around Zuko’s shoulders, turning to look at his sister and wishing there were a less awkward way to get out of the situation. “I told him that I would come and get you. And I knew where you were because you two idiots <em>think </em>you’ve been acting sneaky going back and forth between each other’s rooms every night, but we all know what you’re doing and it’s okay. You don’t have to hide from us. Yeah, it’s a little weird getting used to the fact that my brother is going out with the Fire Lord but it’s… it’s fine. We all support you. You know that, right?”</p><p>“Yeah, I know. Zuko’s just— he’s not really ready yet.” Sokka was well aware of the fact that he was biting on his thumbnail again and that in this instance, his playing with Zuko’s hair was probably more a way to fidget more than anything else, but he didn’t try and stop himself. It was hopeless at that point and he’d basically accepted the fact that he was doomed to succumb to his nervous tics until he started seeing a proper therapist. “Can you tell Dad to hang out in the dining room? I’ll be there in a little bit.”</p><p>Katara nodded and smiled at both him and Zuko before she headed out, leaving him to prepare himself for the conversation all on his own. He knew that his dad just wanted to check in on him to make sure that he was okay since he’d done so much self-destructive shit over the past few years, but he was terrified of hearing exactly what he had to say about it. Sokka wanted to be completely honest with his dad but if Hakoda had spoken to anyone back at the tribe—Bato, Gran Gran, or her therapist friend—he would probably be asking more specific questions that Sokka might not be able to answer. Still, he was really trying to do his best to get better and be more open so after a few minutes of anxious thinking, he slid Zuko away from him and over to his silly stuffed turtle duck. Sokka made sure he settled back to sleep before he grabbed his shirt, dragging it back over his head as he stepped out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He didn’t bother with shoes anymore unless he was going to a meeting and it drove Katara nuts, but he didn’t care. It seemed pointless, especially since he was on crutches.</p><p>When he arrived in the dining room, Sokka hung around in the doorway, not wanting to talk in front of everyone else and hoping that Hakoda would get the hint. It took him a minute, as he was listening to some story Aang was telling about where he’d been and what Avatar stuff he was doing while Hakoda was back at the tribe, but eventually, Sokka’s dad noticed him standing in the doorway and excused himself from the meal. Sokka was already walking out when he stood up, and they didn’t actually say anything to each other until they were in the hall; Sokka leaning against the wall and bouncing his feet and arms off it, unable to keep himself still, while Hakoda stood a couple feet in front of him with a vaguely concerned look on his face. Admittedly, it was probably because Sokka was struggling to maintain eye contact, but it wasn’t because he was anxious. It was just because he couldn’t keep himself focused long enough to settle in one place, and he didn’t exactly want to admit to that despite it being one of the biggest things he hated about himself.</p><p>“Hey. Everything going okay?” Hakoda smiled to his son, who couldn’t bring himself to smile back; his eyes still darting around the hall. That must’ve been cause for concern, because instead of continuing with the small talk, Hakoda launched right into the shit. “Katara told me what happened while I was gone. Are you all right? Is there anything you want to talk about?”</p><p>Sokka shook his head, shrugging as he reached a hand around his crutches to chew on his nail. “No, I’m fine. I mean, I wasn’t fine when I woke Katara up at three in the morning but I’m— I’m good now. I’m having a good morning. I don’t think I need to talk about anything, I just… I don’t know. I’m fine. And sorry I’m babbling and that I sound like I’m not fine because I really am, I was having a good day, I’m just also having a really hard time focusing right now and I think it’s stressing me more than it should be.”</p><p>“Okay, that’s— hey. It’s all right.” He stepped forward and gave Sokka’s shoulder a squeeze when his gaze dropped; clearly waiting for his son to say something else though he was struggling to even maintain a stream of consciousness. His mind was going anywhere from Zuko to cutting to the meeting he had that afternoon and even his fingers and his gaze were refusing to sit still. “Sokka, do you need to sit down? You look a little overwhelmed.”</p><p>“No, I’m fine. Like I said, I’m just having trouble focusing. It happens sometimes. It’s stupid.” By that point, he’d realized that saying ‘it’s stupid’ always resulted in the same reaction of people telling him it wasn’t, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling that way and the words had a way of leaving his mouth without his permission. “Really, Dad, I’m okay. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Zuko and I think… I think we’re getting better. Both of us. At a lot of things.”</p><p>“Well, that’s good. I’m proud of you, son, I am. Just… don’t let this make you think everything is suddenly fine, okay? I am so glad you’re feeling better but just remember that you still have to go to therapy. The reason you’re having trouble focusing is because there’s a lot of stuff you still need to talk through and maybe even get on medications for, so—”</p><p>Sokka didn’t even say any words to cut off his dad’s speech and that was how overwhelmingly powerful the fearful look in his eyes was. He just shook his head quickly, backing further into the wall behind him. His crutches slammed into the back of it and he dropped them unexpectedly; his knee giving way when he lost the support and his dad the only thing keeping him from dropping straight onto the floor. He was fairly certain this particular incident counted as a <em>panic </em>attack and not an anxiety one because of how sudden the onset of his pounding heart and inability to breathe was. Instantly, he was aware of how weird his heart sounded and that only made it worse because the feeling like he might die shot out of nowhere and into his brain, deafening his senses. Sokka almost expected his dad to rush to his side given what happened the last time but when someone wrapped their arms around him a minute later he found it was someone else. Someone smaller, thinner, warmer.</p><p>Though Zuko’s arms were unhealthily bony, his grasp was soft and despite how badly he was shaking, Sokka couldn’t help but reach around to hold onto him. He pressed his head against the Fire Lord’s shoulder, breathing deeply as Zuko walked him through the panic attack. His dad was still there too, reminding him to breathe, but it was Zuko’s warm touch and gentle whispers which managed to calm him down faster than he’d ever done before. For once, the pain didn’t send him into a horrible flashback, instead just causing his heart and breath to race as he held on to Zuko and tried his best to follow his dad’s guidance. His head hurt, his chest hurt, but for once in his life, his <em>heart </em>didn’t hurt. Well, technically it did because his entire chest was burning as he struggled to breathe, but he wasn’t upset the way he was whenever he’d gone through the attacks alone. Yes, he still hurt and felt sick and wanted more than anything for it to pass, but he also felt safe and cared for and he didn’t think that was the worst thing in the world.</p><p>He didn’t move for a few minutes after he finally got his breath back, just sitting on the ground with Zuko as he waited for the last of his chest pains to pass. Sokka mumbled something to let them both know that he was okay, that there was nothing to worry about and he was just a little freaked out from the fall, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he was <em>terrified</em> of going on medications. Sokka was still working through his withdrawal from the painkillers, and he didn’t know if he could ever go on anything again. No sort of remedy was worth everything he’d gone through after getting addicted or the pain he was still enduring as part of his body’s recovery. He was willing to talk to a therapist. He accepted that all his friends had done it—even Zuko, sort of, though he was being forced to go and had run out on his only session thus far—and he was okay with trying it, but he was <em>not </em>okay with going on medications and he didn’t know how to make that clear without sounding like he was absolutely pathetic or trying to refuse treatment.</p><p>Given those fears, Sokka opted to say nothing at all, not protesting when Zuko moved to help him to his feet. Hakoda ended up grabbing his crutches as Sokka opted to rely on the Fire Lord instead, since they were just walking the short distance into the dining room. As he learned on that short walk, Zuko had already spoken to his uncle and was encouraged to leave his room to have breakfast with his friends, which was when he’d run into Sokka and his dad in the hall. Sokka must’ve looked a little panicked from what happened when he walked into the room, because Katara was clearly concerned when she met his gaze and he decided to sit down beside her. Zuko sat to his right on the other side, not pulling their hands apart. Toph made a face at them before dramatically pulling her feet off the ground and draping them on an empty chair beside her, much to Katara’s disgust and Sokka’s amusement.</p><p>“Hey, so, we were just talking,” Aang started, his tone enthusiastic as he shoved berries into his mouth, “and we were thinking about how we all really want to help you, Zuko, and we thought that it might be a good idea to talk to your uncle and your physician and see if it would be okay to—”</p><p>“Wait, wait, wait, <em>I </em>want to tell him.” Suddenly, Toph slammed her feet back on the floor, shifting her body to face Zuko.  “We want to help you with all your Fire Lord stuff so that you can get back to work. See, our plan is to take care of some of the work so that you don’t have as much to do and you won’t get so stressed and overworked from it and actually, your physician already said you could work again if we did that since you’re physically doing better or whatever. Of course, <em>I </em>can’t read any of your papers, but I would be glad to come to meetings with you and follow you around to make sure you get enough to eat. And sleep. You’re not going back to <em>any </em>unhealthy coping habits if we can help it. You neither, Sokka. Both of you are going to channel your emotions in a healthy way now or else you got to face the wrath of—”</p><p>“What she’s trying to say is that we’re here for you,” said Suki, looking to Toph with eyes wide in alarm. “We want to support you however we can and if we can take some of the load off to help you ease back into work, Zuko, then we’re all on board for that and your physician is too, as long as you stick with the therapy. You’ve been trying so hard, you deserve to get back to your duties. And Sokka, we don’t have much to say to you on that front since you’re not exactly the Fire Lord, but you’ve been doing a really good job talking to us too, so thank you. We’re really proud of you for that.”</p><p>Sokka opened his mouth to say something, to thank <em>them </em>for listening to him whenever he felt the need to vent, but stopped himself before he could. He’d turned a little to the right and saw that Zuko wasn’t looking grateful the way he was, just staring own at his hands as he bit down on the center of his lip in the way he only did when he was nervous. Katara stole the opening for anyone to speak, finally calling out Toph when she moved to drape one leg onto the table. That got a whole laughing, fighting argument going on, though Zuko didn’t seem the least bit interested in getting involved.</p><p>He took none of the food from the dish in the middle of the table, just staring down at his hands; his fingers twitching almost uncontrollably. Concern growing, Sokka gave his hand a squeeze, but it had the wrong effect. Zuko pulled away, shoving his chair back before he turned and slid out of the room. Sokka wanted to go after him, to find out what was wrong, but it was pointless. He couldn’t move fast enough to catch him, and he was forced to watch as Toph leapt out of her seat instead, disappearing out the door behind the Fire Lord.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The problem with having uncontrollably sporadic focus was that Sokka’s mind had a habit of refusing to focus on the things he needed to work on and locked in on those that he’d rather have forgotten. Of course, that evening, the thing he wanted to get rid of was that feeling of dread whenever his mind drifted off to the possibility that he could be put on more medications.</p><p>It was stupid and he knew it because if the therapist thought he needed them, then there was a damn good chance that he did, and they would help, but he <em>already got addicted once</em>. The idea of having to go on any more medications, whatever they might have been for, was terrifying given how badly he’d already messed up his body. Who was to say he wouldn’t become dependent on them again? Who was to say he wouldn’t start taking more than he was supposed to? It wasn’t even intentional with the painkillers, but it happened, and it could happen again. It sounded ridiculous whenever he dwelled on it for more than a few seconds, but he still couldn’t shake it from his mind. His life was a little still at the moment, but everything was going to hurt going forward and he didn’t know if he could deal with it. He didn’t know if he could really talk to a therapist or take medications when the very <em>idea </em>of those things shook him to his core.</p><p>He shook his head, trying to get the thoughts out of his mind as he returned to his work, but stopped when he heard a knock at the door. Sokka nearly rose from his seat, only ceasing his movement when he realized that his injured leg was outstretched and covered in miscellaneous brushes, scrolls, and papers, his other one bent and holding a book on his knee. Realizing there was no easy way out of it and that his crutches were too far away to reach, Sokka called to the person at the door, letting them know the door was open so they could come in. He was suddenly acutely aware of how messy his workspace was and felt a little embarrassed of it, but luckily, it was only Suki coming in the room and she didn’t seem to mind. She frowned a little as she closed the door behind her, looking around to the disaster zone of half-finished projects that surrounded him, but didn’t say anything about it when she sat down on the floor (several feet away where she was in no danger of smashing any of his things).</p><p>“Hey, are you all right?” asked Suki, her gaze moving around all his work as if she were trying to figure out what she was looking at. “No one had seen you since breakfast, and we were starting to get worried. Is everything okay?”</p><p>Sokka didn’t quite know how to answer the question because he didn’t quite know the answer. At the current moment, he was fine. He was actually better than fine and that was the weirdest part; that just a few months ago, he was <em>terrified </em>of coming out, and now he was basically in love with a boy and living his best life in the Fire Nation as he worked his ass off on projects that mattered to him. The only thing holding him back were the things that hadn’t happened yet. The things that he had to face despite his best efforts to pretend they weren’t real. That he had to go to therapy, try medications or remedies, and leave the Fire Nation—leave <em>Zuko</em>—behind. That was the plan, it was always the plan, but he’d never thought he would develop such feelings for Zuko and the fact that he had made leaving infinitely more difficult than it seemed during the first week he was there. Not knowing exactly how to express that or whether it was something he wanted to share with Suki, Sokka simply shrugged, hoping it got the point across.</p><p>“I’m fine. I think,” he added, dropping the scroll in his hands in favor of picking at his nails. The more time passed, the more he wanted to break that nervous habit, but it was so ingrained in him that he didn’t think it was possible. He sighed before he looked back up to Suki, glancing over at his outstretched leg. “I don’t know. I feel like I’m doing better? Like, being open about everything is kind of helping but I’m also… I don’t know. My dad said something to me this morning going to therapy and taking medications and honestly, it kind of freaked me out. I mean, I know I have to go but I’m— I’m kind of scared. I already fucked myself up so badly with the painkillers and I don’t think I can trust myself with anything else now. I just can’t do this again, you know? I’m fine, I think, like my heartbeat is pretty stable and whatever but the withdrawal is <em>killing </em>me. My head hurts and I feel sick and sad and I know they’re just stupid side effects, but… yeah. I don’t know. I’m fine, I’m just still learning how to live like this, I guess.”</p><p>“That’s okay.” Suki looked like she wanted to move closer but didn’t want to mess up his things and Sokka wasn’t sure whether he could move them given how his leg was set up. “It’s a pretty scary thing. When I went to talk to someone after the war, I was terrified. It was so weird opening up to someone like that, but you’ve been doing so well with it. Believe me, I can tell when you’re scared, but you’re still talking to us. You’re still admitting when you’re sad. I meant what I said this morning, Sokka. We’re all really proud of you for how far you’ve come. You’re on the right path, you just have to stay on it.”</p><p>There it was again, the same problem that freaked him out in the first place. He <em>wanted </em>to stay on the right path. He <em>wanted </em>to be happy and healthy and live the best life he could, but he’d already proven to himself that he was easily addicted and if he even <em>tried </em>to go on some other kind of medication, there was every chance he would hurt himself again or worse and that was too scary to think about. He’d already tried to overdose on painkillers and if he did that again, if he fell down to that awful place again, he could end up in a situation worse than he wanted to imagine. Sokka could overdose trying to make himself feel better and never wake up. He could close his eyes and lose Zuko and leave him all alone and fuck him over harder than he’d already been because even though the Fire Lord couldn’t say it, Sokka was pretty sure his feelings were mutual. Otherwise, all their kissing and cuddling was a <em>lot </em>more awkward than he thought. Either way, they were still friends and there were a lot of people who cared about Sokka that he couldn’t bear to hurt. He nodded.</p><p>“Thanks, Suki. I really needed to hear that.” He took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he was about to say. “I really do want to get better, but when my dad suggested that I might need some kind of medications, I just—”</p><p>In his defense, Sokka did not cut himself off by choice. He was rudely interrupted by the door slamming open again, not even preceded by a knock. Oddly enough, the person who stormed into his room was not one who’d been coming in there often—if she’d ever come in once before—and Sokka ended up being so thrown by Azula’s sudden appearance that he wasn’t sure what to say. Thankfully, neither he nor Suki ended up having to think of anything as the princess took the opportunity to shout out her own question first.</p><p>“Have you seen Zuko?” she asked, her tone sharp and urgent. Sokka frowned, trying to remember if he had and hoping she wasn’t looking for him for any reason that would stress him out. After coming to the realization that he hadn’t seen him since he ran out that morning, Sokka shook his head. “Shit. Tell me if you see him, all right? Or Mai, Ty Lee, Toph, my uncle. We can’t fucking find him.”</p><p>“Wait, <em>what</em>?” That got his attention and he shifted just enough to knock half the stuff off his leg, his eyes widening in alarm. It was one thing for Azula to be looking for Zuko, it was on a whole other level once Iroh got involved. “What do you mean, you can’t find him? When was the last time you saw him? Was he okay? Did something happen?”</p><p>“We don’t know.” Azula sighed deeply, shaking her head as she crossed her arms. Her tone and gait were both exasperated, as if she weren’t quite sure what she was supposed to do next. “Toph told us that she caught up to him after he ran off from breakfast and they talked about what his physician said. About him being able to work again soon? He said that was okay, was acting like he was happy with the plans, and then he said that he was tired and wanted to go lie down for a while. Uncle Iroh talked to him after that and said everything seemed all right, but then he asked for tea and when my uncle came back, he was gone. Nobody saw him leave and nobody has seen him since. We checked all his normal spots like the turtle duck pond, the library, but he’s just gone. There’s no note, nothing missing, no indication of what happened to him. Nobody knows where he went.”</p><p>Sokka’s heart dropped into his stomach. He knew that something was wrong from the moment Zuko fell silent at the dining table, and he hadn’t done enough. Clearly, there was something going on that got past him and he didn’t know what it was which was almost worse than knowing and failing to fix it. He’d missed whatever Zuko was struggling with, whatever caused him to disappear, and the only shred of hope was that the Fire Lord hadn’t taken anything with him. That meant that he was intending to come back, and possibly just felt like he needed time on his own to process everything he was feeling. But then Sokka realized just how late it was as he glanced out the window over his shoulder and he realized that there was no way Zuko could still be up and functioning in a coherent manner. He swallowed hard, trying to stop himself from thinking about the other possibility—that Zuko brought nothing with him because he had no intention of coming home.</p><p>He leapt to his feet too quickly, knocking off the rest of the things on his leg and nearly tripping over himself as he propped himself up on one leg and the ball of his foot, not bothering with his crutches as he walked over to the door. Azula blocked him suddenly, Suki running over to support his left side but stopping when he swatted his hand to get her to step away. He wasn’t trying to be a dick, he just couldn’t deal with someone touching him when Zuko could be out there hurting himself or <em>killing </em>himself and crutches would just slow him down. People would just slow him down. Whether it hurt his leg or not, he needed to get out of the palace and figure out what the fuck happened to Zuko but he couldn’t do it if there were people on top of him. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t move. They stopped him from leaving, Suki still staying close as if he were liable to fall over at any moment despite being more used to standing on one leg than two.</p><p>“What are you doing?” he snapped. Again, Sokka didn’t want to be a dick, but they wouldn’t move, and he needed to leave. He needed to find Zuko and make sure that he was okay before it was too late. “Let me go. I need to find him. Please.”</p><p>“No, Sokka.” Suki’s tone was more concerned than anything else, but it did little more than piss him off. “We’ll look for him, okay? And we’ll let you know as soon as we find anything, but you need to let your leg heal and even on crutches, you shouldn’t be moving it more than short trips. Please, just sit back down and we’ll go look for him. I’ll let you know the moment we find anything, all right?”</p><p>“Absolutely not, no.” Though he knew that he was being ridiculous and overprotective, Sokka couldn’t stop himself. Zuko meant <em>everything </em>to him and he couldn’t even imagine what he would do if he lost him after everything they’d been through. “If something happens to him and I wasn’t there, I will never be able to forgive myself. I don’t care about my leg, I don’t care about myself, I need to find him. And if you don’t let me go now, I’m just going to wait until you’re gone and head out after that. I’m not leaving him, so just get out of my way. <em>Now</em>.”</p><p>Though Suki clearly didn’t want to let him go, she was more attuned to his protective ways and stepped aside, while Azula did nothing to move out of the way. She just crossed her arms, glaring at him as if he were something to be destroyed rather than taken care of. However, she did eventually crack when Suki gave her a look and stepped out of the way reluctantly. Suki tried one last time to get Sokka to take his crutches with him, insisting it would help him move faster, but he refused. It didn’t matter. There was no part of him that was half as important as the man he was looking for and he wanted to be fully focused on finding him, not worrying about trying to handle his crutches. So, he limped for a while, what was the big deal? He didn’t know what it was, and Azula didn’t seem to care, so it was him against Suki and she wasn’t about to stop him when he was liable to self-harm. It hurt to realize he may have been subconsciously manipulating her, but he couldn’t stop to think about it. He didn’t have time.</p><p>He had to find Zuko before it was too late.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0073"><h2>73. Chapter Sixty-Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Had he understood the exact level of panic his absence caused, Zuko might not have left for as long as he did.</p><p>In his defense, he hadn’t exactly intended to leave in the first place. When he woke up that morning, he was in a particularly fantastic mood and everything just sort of spiraled after breakfast. It wasn’t even because he didn’t eat—at least, not because he didn’t eat <em>that day</em>—but because his friends revealed that he was allowed to get back to work. That, as long as he agreed to the conditions that he wouldn’t be working himself too hard, he could go back to work and do everything he’d been aching to do for months. But it didn’t make him happy. It should have made him happy, it should have made him feel calm and relaxed and better than he had been in weeks, but instead, he freaked out. All his bad thoughts started flooding in and the impact of what he’d done before he dropped off the grid was hitting him. He shouted at the Earth Kingdom reps. He told off his council. He came out as <em>gay</em>.</p><p>Of all the stupid things he’d done, the worst was confirming the rumors that he was into men. Everyone knew that he had a serious temper and given his family and upbringing, that was no surprise. But the fact that he was gay, the fact that the rumors were true, and he was actually into men and very seriously into one of them in particular was too much to deal with. He had no idea how the council, the nation, or even the Earth Kingdom would react to that information outside of his temper tantrums or mutual political obligations, and it was terrifying. It was terrifying knowing that anyone could give up on him at any time not because he’d had a literal mental breakdown, but because he was gay. Because he was into guys. Because of something that he had absolutely no control over and which truly did not have an impact on anything in anyone else’s lives as much as they seemed to think it was their business. That was what truly pissed him off the more he thought about it—the only reason he felt sick and guilty for liking Sokka was because other people told him that it wasn’t okay. Not because <em>he </em>didn’t think it wasn’t okay, but because people kept telling him that it wasn’t and making him feel like he was doing something wrong when he knew that he wasn’t.</p><p>Zuko dragged his knees up to his chest, his dirty feet sliding against the rough surface below him. He probably should have put on shoes before he left but he was kind of in a hurry, having sneaked out while his uncle thought he was planning to have tea and take a nap. That was his idea, actually, but he’d freaked out after Toph talked to him. He freaked out when she told him that he was supposed to go back to work and face everyone that he’d made a fool of himself in front of. That he was supposed to face the nation he’d ultimately failed. People kept telling him that the world still supported him, and he even heard his council say themselves that they understood he was a traumatized teenager and it made sense that he freaked out the way he did, but that didn’t make it okay. That didn’t make it any more acceptable for him to lash out the way he had. To abandon the country the way he had. Glorified child or not, he had a duty to attend to, and leaving the people when they needed him most was unacceptable. He bit down harder on his lip, ignoring the pain as the skin split beneath his teeth. Sokka was right. He <em>did </em>have a little line there.</p><p>He jumped a little when he heard the thunder, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t even raining yet, so he couldn’t find it in him to care. There was no lightning, no water, and to be afraid of a little sound would be childish. Zuko pulled his legs closer to him anyway, pressing his forehead against his knees. He’d been gone for a few hours at that point, but he still wasn’t ready to go back to the palace because he knew that if he went back, he’d want to snuggle with Sokka and that would just open up the can of worms he was fighting so hard to keep closed. There was nothing wrong with liking men. There was nothing wrong with liking Sokka. But it felt like there was and he didn’t know how he was supposed to deal with it. He didn’t know how to make it go away so instead of trying, he just lifted his head and stared out at the city; wondering whether anyone noticed that he was there. By that point, his uncle at least would’ve noticed that he was missing, but he wasn’t sure whether anyone caught him sitting up on that roof yet. He grabbed the bottle off the surface beside him and took a swig, wincing as he put it back down. It was just a little sake. He wasn’t going overboard that time, just having a little to calm his nerves. It wasn’t a big deal. In a few months he’d be old enough to do that legally anyway.</p><p>The rain wasn’t hard when it started to drip down from the sky, failing to startle him more than the lightning that struck somewhere in the distance. His hands shook as he took another sip of his drink, trying to calm his nerves. He wasn’t going to chicken out and go crying back to the palace just because he was afraid of a little storm. It was one of his stupidest triggers, storms, and if he could have gotten rid of just <em>one </em>little thing that bothered him, it would be that. Because even <em>children </em>weren’t scared of lightning the way he was. Yes, he had some seriously good reasons for not liking lightning but still, it was pathetic. He’d thought he would get over it at some point, like he’d gotten over his fear of fire a couple months after his father burned his face off, but he didn’t. He still <em>despised </em>lightning and just the sound of the thunder crashing around him made his heart race. He sniffed, resisting the urge to take yet another sip of his sake. Zuko didn’t need the alcohol to make him feel better. Yes, it dulled his anxiety a bit, but his emotions seemed to be going out of whack and he didn’t want to become incoherent or unable to walk back home.</p><p>…but that made him think about what would happen when he went home and suddenly he was sobbing into his bottle from the stress and his fucked-up hormones as he realized just how disappointed everyone would be. All Zuko wanted was some time to himself, a few minutes where no one was staring over his shoulder to make sure he was eating and resting but that devolved into sitting on the roof of an old theater and crying as he downed a bottle of sake. He truly hadn’t meant to be gone for more than a few minutes, things just got out of hand after he swiped the sake from the kitchens and his walk took him farther into the city than he was intending. The building he was sitting on was all but abandoned, as were the few around it, so he didn’t think he would get caught, but still. What would it look like if someone found him, the Fire Lord, drunk and sobbing on a roof because he felt like he wasn’t allowed to like men and his friends and uncle were going to hate him for leaving them? For making them worry when all he wanted was a few minutes to himself? A few minutes where he didn’t feel like a coddled child though a child was <em>exactly </em>what he felt like when another bolt of lightning struck nearby, and he flinched and let out another sob.</p><p>Though the rain still wasn’t heavy, the lightning was loud enough that Zuko didn’t hear the sound of someone landing on the roof to his left; only registering their presence when they reached out to take the bottle of sake from his hands. Gentle, smaller hands pulled him into a hug, and Zuko couldn’t resist. He felt pathetic crying into Aang’s shoulder, but he was drunk, sad, and scared, and that overpowered every other feeling in his body. On the bright side, Aang didn’t seem to mind. He just held Zuko in a friendly embrace, letting him sob for as long as he needed to. At least there was one person left in the world who didn’t hate him. One kid who would forgive him for almost anything. Who was brought up in a world where nobody cared who you were with or what scared you. Aang would never joke about his anxiety and when he flinched at the appearance of more lightning, a hiccup escaping through his sobs, the kid only held him tighter. It was hard to believe that he spent three years trying to capture the only person who was able to find and comfort him in such a big city.</p><p>“Thorry.” Zuko slid away slowly, resting his chin on his knees as he stared back out at the city beneath them. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his friend, knowing the expression he wore would be pained and full of concern. “I’m fine, I jutht— I forgot to eat today, and I drank a lot of thake. My head hurth.”</p><p>“Are you okay?” The fact that Aang didn’t scold him for the drinking or running away made him feel a little better, but not enough to answer verbally. He just shook his head, still unable to meet the Air Nomad’s gaze. “Everyone is really worried about you. They’ve been looking for hours. I only found you because I did a sweep of the city on my glider. Do you want me to walk back to the palace with you? Or you could tell me what’s wrong, if you…?”</p><p>“I’m in love with Thokka.” His voice cracked when he said the words and he knew he was lisping and slurring them all together, but he had at least eight shots of sake and he couldn’t control the way his speech sounded anymore, nor could he control which words left his mouth. He put one hand over his eyes, the tears immediately building on his fingers as he shielded himself from Aang’s kind gaze. “I love him, and I know he loveth me too becauthe he told me, but I couldn’t thay it back. I— I want to be with him tho badly but I’m <em>thcared</em>. I’m thcared of liking boyth and I know it’th thtupid but my father alwayth told me that it wath wrong and I tried but I can’t get it out of my head. I jutht keep thinking it’th wrong and that if I like— if I tell Thokka that I love him, the whole world will jutht…”</p><p>Zuko’s voice trailed off as he dragged his hand across his eyes, turning away slightly when Aang placed a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t know what his friend was going to say, and he couldn’t look him in the eye when he did it. Aang must have understood how hard the situation was for Zuko because he waited a few seconds before he actually spoke, filling the silence with a reassuring shoulder squeeze. A quick glance from the corner of his eye revealed that Aang’s expression was nothing but compassionate; his words gentle enough that Zuko nearly tried to look at him when he spoke.</p><p>“Honestly, I’m not quite sure how to approach this,” Aang started, turning his own gaze away to the city below them. He sighed, hesitating before he went on. “The Air Nomads didn’t really have a concept of homophobia—right? okay—and even though I kind of knew it existed because same-sex relationships were frowned upon around outside the temples, I never thought of it as a real issue until Bumi told me something about it being outlawed in the Earth Kingdom. You know what I thought when I found out how big of a problem it was? Sad. I think it’s really sad that people give up their loved ones over something that superficial. Not just parents leaving their children or friends leaving their friends but… people leaving the person they fell in love with. I know you went through a lot as a kid, and that this is really hard for you, but if you leave Sokka just because he’s a boy, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to forgive yourself.”</p><p>He was right, of course. Zuko knew that already, and he still hated himself for things he’d said and done to Sokka just because he was a boy. Refusing to touch him in front of other people, avoiding committing to any sort of relationship, failing to say he loved him back—all the things he wanted to do but couldn’t for the stupidest reason in the world. Yes, he was absolutely wasted at the moment and had no idea what he was saying or thinking but he knew what he was <em>feeling </em>and what he felt was what he said. He was in love with Sokka and more than anything else in the world, he wanted to be with him. Zuko wanted to be with Sokka but he couldn’t because they both boys and the Earth Kingdom would hate him, the Water Tribe would avoid him, and half his people would never respect him again. Unless they did. The Fire Nation still believed in him, supposedly, and the Earth Kingdom politicians had already agreed to put differences aside. He bit down on his lip and waited for the rest of what Aang had to say.</p><p>“I think the other thing you have to think about is that the world isn’t as scary as you think it is. Your dad taught you that liking boys was wrong and your own experiences taught you that people can’t be trusted, but there’s a lot more good out there than you know. The Air Nomads were accepting of <em>everyone</em>, regardless of their orientation. The Water Tribe isn’t exactly open about same-sex relationships, but they would never shun someone for who they loved. The Fire Nation might have outlawed it but ever since you repealed the law, everything has changed so much. People are so much more open and happier and I think you’d be surprised by what you saw if you visited some of your villages. And even though homosexuality is still outlawed in the Earth Kingdom, people aren’t as against it as you think. I’ve met a lot of people in gay relationships under the table. Even if some of the stuffy old politicians don’t like you, I think the people would still believe in you.</p><p>“Anyway, above anything else, you have to do what’s best for you. It’s hard to think about sometimes, since you have the weight of an entire nation on your shoulders, but I get it. I’m the <em>Avatar</em>, people expect things from me everywhere I go. I’ve started just taking time out to talk to local therapists and healers pretty much everywhere I go just to stay in touch with my feelings. Your people are important but <em>you’re </em>important too. It doesn’t matter if the people want you to end with up with a woman, you don’t have to. I mean, if you do, that’s okay, but—”</p><p>“I don’t think I do,” Zuko mumbled hesitantly.</p><p>“Okay! That’s all right, it’s good that you’re figuring it out.” Again, Aang gave his shoulder a nudge, though Zuko wasn’t able to force a smile. He wanted to reach back for his bottle of sake, but Aang kept it away from him. “If you want to be with a boy, you can and you should. I know you think that being the Fire Lord means you have all these restrictions on what you can do but I think you need to look at it from the perspective not of what you can’t do, but what you <em>can </em>do. You could be the first openly gay Fire Lord, and the first male Fire Lord to have a boyfriend, and the first male Fire Lord to have a husband, and you could be happy because you had someone you <em>cared </em>about at your side instead of marrying a woman you don’t even want to be with. It’s not what’s on the outside that matters, Zuko. It’s about your spirits and your connection and if you believe that Sokka is the person you’re supposed to be with, you can’t let anything stop you from being together.”</p><p>Zuko couldn’t say whether he was a mess from his starved hormones or the eight or nine shots worth of sake he’d drank, but the second he thought about what it would be like to have Sokka stay there in the Fire Nation more often, what it would be like for him to visit the Water Tribe, what it would be like for him to damn the consequences and <em>finally </em>call himself Sokka’s boyfriend, he was struck with a whole new round of sobs. He guessed it was more likely the work of the sake than just his hormones given that half the sobs came out more like hiccups, his tears soaking into his knees as he dropped his head down. Aang wrapped an arm around his back, pulling him into another embrace. Zuko felt like he should move too, to return the gesture, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it and stayed buried in his legs and hidden beneath his hair as he sobbed into his knees; hoping the feeling would pass sooner rather than later. Great friend or not, he wasn’t exactly happy to be repeatedly breaking down in front of Aang and finding a way to calm down would be preferable. He bit his lip, brushing his cheeks against his knees before he finally looked up.</p><p>It took him a minute to figure out what to say. He had so many thoughts about what Aang told him, so many reactions to the things that he said, but it wasn’t easy to condense them into a way that he was capable of saying when he was half drunk and half asleep. The biggest takeaway he got from Aang’s speech was that the kid was right. Zuko loved Sokka and he couldn’t leave him because of his own stupid brain thinking they shouldn’t be together for no reason other than the fact they were both boys. They were perfect together. Sokka was outgoing and beautiful and a fucking genius, while Zuko was anxious and apparently cute and pretty much a dumbass. Everything about their relationship was amazing from their snuggles to their talks to their kisses and though he felt like it wasn’t okay for him to have a boyfriend, Zuko couldn’t imagine what he would do if he lost Sokka. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like if he had to lose his friend, his family, the man he’d somehow fallen in love with after almost four years of never once considering it. Zuko took a deep breath as his gaze briefly met Aang’s, his voice quieter and shakier than he intended it to be.</p><p>“Thank you,” he said. Aang smiled sadly as he pulled away, giving Zuko space to shift in his seat. He glanced over in the direction of the palace, sighing deeply before he said anything else. “I think I have to go home now. I don’t want everyone to worry. I didn’t mean for that to happen. Thorry you had to come looking for me. And thorry I dumped all of that on you, but everything you thaid meant a lot to me. I don’t know if I can really do thith, if I can really be with Thokka, but I think— I think I want to try. I really, really want to try.”</p><p>“Great.” This time, his grin was much happier as he leapt to his feet, holding a hand out to help Zuko to his. His head swirled as he stood up, but he knew it was just because he’d consumed nothing but sake since the night before. “Come on, everyone will be relieved to know that you’re okay. And don’t worry about dumping anything on me, I asked you to tell me. I wanted to help. Can you get down from here all right? You look a little tipsy.”</p><p>“No, yeah, I’m—”</p><p>He didn’t get the chance to say “fine” before Aang wrapped an arm around his waist and leapt off the roof of the building. He took the bottle of sake with them but dumped it in a trash bin on the street as soon as they landed. Embarrassed by the gesture but somewhat grateful that he didn’t have to climb down himself when he most certainly <em>was </em>exceptionally tipsy, Zuko chewed his lip again and followed Aang as he turned down the path back to the palace. They didn’t say much as they wound through the streets, though Aang kept looking over at Zuko was if he wanted to make sure he was okay. The Fire Lord gave him no verbal answers, aware that talking would just be more embarrassing thanks to his drunkenness and his lisp but tried his best not to look utterly exhausted so Aang would feel better about what happened. He might have been an ass to himself but there was no reason to make things worse on his friends.</p><p>When he got back to the palace, there was pretty much a welcoming committee for him. It was only Mai, Toph, and his uncle, but still. Iroh and Toph rushed to hug him, making sure that he was okay, while Mai slapped him across the shoulder, only partially joking as she scolded him for running off. Though Zuko wanted to ask where Sokka was, to talk to him and figure out his feelings before he chickened out again, he kept his mouth shut. He’d been gone for hours and if his friends and family wanted to take a minute to soak in the fact he was okay, he was all right with that. At least, until he started to feel like he was suffocating from their hugs and Mai made a comment about the fact that his breath smelled like alcohol, at which point he pulled away.</p><p>“Do you know where Thokka ith?” he asked, looking back and forth between the three of them.</p><p>Though they all shook their heads, it was Mai who actually answered. “He’s probably still looking for you somewhere, like the others. We’ll have to tell them all you’re back. But don’t worry about that, just go to bed and we’ll figure everything out, okay?”</p><p>“No, I have to— I have to talk to Thokka.”</p><p>Unfortunately, he was too tipsy and too tired to resist when Iroh wrapped an arm around him, helping him to walk down the halls in a straight line. He guided his nephew right back to his bedroom, assuring a few people that Zuko was fine on their way there. Though he was okay on the way back to his room, almost convinced it might be better to just go to bed, Zuko pulled when they passed by the courtyard. Rather than being quiet and empty, there was someone sitting beside the turtle duck pond, leaning back against the same tree that he preferred. Sokka’s left leg was stretched out in front of him, his crutches nowhere to be seen as he closed his eyes; shiny tears glistening on his cheeks in the moonlight. Thankfully, Iroh took pity on them both and allowed Zuko to step out the door and walk over to him.</p><p>Instead of sitting at his side, Zuko sat right in front of Sokka, reaching out to grab both of his hands. Sokka looked up, lifting his head just in time to meet Zuko’s lips. He didn’t calm down right away, crying harder as he kissed back; his tears soaking Zuko’s cheeks. Sokka wrapped his arms around Zuko tightly, not pulling his face away for a second as Zuko’s own fingers dragged through Sokka’s hair. When they finally ceased their gentle kiss, Sokka pressed his forehead’s against Zuko’s and they stayed there silently for far longer than they reasonably should have. Something was wrong with Sokka, very wrong, but Zuko didn’t know what it was, and he didn’t know what to say, so he just slid his arms down around his neck and held him close. Sokka rested his forehead on Zuko’s shoulder, his breath shaking as his grip tightened; his hands twisting around the back of Zuko’s shirt.</p><p>“I was so scared.” His voice was hoarse, the loose hairs from his wolftail tickling Zuko’s neck. He took a deep breath before he said anything else, not moving from where he clung to the Fire Lord. “You were gone for <em>hours</em>. I tried— I tried to find you, but my leg hurts like shit and I couldn’t— I just kept thinking about that dream I had where you— and I— I thought— I was so scared that you hurt yourself, I— please don’t ever do that again. I can’t lose you, Zuko. I can’t. I—”</p><p>Sokka snapped his mouth shut after that, cutting himself off as he nuzzled his head deeper into Zuko’s shoulder. Heart pounding, Zuko leaned his head on top of Sokka’s; moving one hand to gently stroke the back of his head in a way he hoped was reassuring. Though he seemed to be relaxing, Sokka’s entire body shook as he clung to Zuko as if he were going to run away again. Zuko didn’t know what to say, how to respond to the comment, and decided to leave a minute for them both to relax. He kissed the top of Sokka’s head, shifting his grip to pull him in closer, only to be struck with the feeling he was waiting for. Everything Aang said was right. Everything he said about going for what he <em>wanted </em>and not what he thought other people expected of him. He didn’t know how the people would react, he didn’t know how it would work, but he knew what he wanted. Zuko lifted his head, nudging Sokka to move his too and waiting until they met each other’s gazes before he spoke.</p><p>“I’m thorry I left,” he started, trying to get past the fact that he was still slurring and lisping on every word. “I jutht needed to think, and I— I talked to Aang and he pretty much told me I’ve been a dumbath and I need to get over mythelf and jutht— I know I’ve been all over the plathe with thith but I thought about it and I want— I want to be with you. You’re nice and you’re thmart and you’re the prettietht perthon I’ve ever met in my life and I’m thorry I’m lithping and I’m babbling but I drank a lot of thake and my mouth ith jutht kind of running without me right now, tho—”</p><p>“Zuko.” Sokka’s tone was soft, gentle, as if he were trying to nudge Zuko back on the right track.</p><p>“I love you.” The moment the words left his mouth, everything inside him changed. It felt like a weight was lifted from his chest, replaced by the butterflies that stared into Sokka’s beautiful and bloodshot eyes. He’d doubted himself before, questioned every thought and feeling he’d ever had, but once the words were said, once they were out there for Sokka to know, he knew they were true. Something changed in him, in <em>both </em>of them, and he never wanted them to be apart again.  “I love you and I’m thorry I didn’t thay it before but I wath thcared and I love you, I jutht didn’t know if I could—”</p><p>He cut himself off when Sokka’s hands suddenly pulled him forward, dragging him into a kiss. This time, it was Zuko’s drunken, dramatic tears that made it salty, though it didn’t make the moment any less special. Sokka didn’t release his grip on Zuko’s shirt for several seconds, holding him close as his tongue did <em>the thing</em> and Zuko slid his hands down around Sokka’s lower back, only for the Water Tribe boy to lift his hands and play with Zuko’s ponytail. He loved the way it felt when Sokka toyed with his hair because it wasn’t rough, it wasn’t invasive, it was just gentle and personal and everything about the soft fingers dragging across the back of his skull made him love Sokka more. Zuko gripped his waist, Sokka leaning in even farther in response to the encouraging gesture. It was perfect, incredible, everything that Zuko ever wanted and when Sokka finally pulled away after a long, passionate moment, he felt better. Not perfect as he was still drunk, malnourished, and reeling from his emotional words, but so much better than he had been for longer than he could remember.</p><p>“I know I already said it,” Sokka started, his fingers lacing together around the back of Zuko’s head, “but I love you too. I love you so much and I know you were afraid of me leaving and you not knowing what to do but I’m not leaving you. I can’t stay here all the time, the tribe is— it’s my <em>home</em> but… I thought I had what I always wanted but after the war it’s not the same. It’s not what I— half my existence at the tribe was built around my childhood image of a perfect life and with my leg, I couldn’t even— I cared about my people, but I didn’t— I was never happy like I’m happy with you, Zuko. I thought I wanted what I had but over the last few months I’ve rebuilt my life and I’ve built it around <em>you</em>. I love the tribe and my family, and I won’t leave them forever, but I’ve been thinking about it and what I want isn’t just that, it’s <em>you</em>. I want <em>you</em>. And I know you want me too.”</p><p>If there was ever something that could put him at a loss for words worse that he’d already encountered, it was that. Sokka was giving up his entire life for Zuko, he was changing his <em>dreams </em>for Zuko, and he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t believe that with everything that happened, after all the shit they went through, Sokka would willingly want to keep visiting the Fire Nation but then it hit him. He cared. Zuko never cared about himself, and he never thought about anyone else truly caring for him or loving him, but Sokka did. Sokka loved him and wanted to be there for him, even after everything that went down. Six months ago, he never could’ve understood or believed that but now, Sokka was right. He did want Sokka because he’d rebuilt his life too. Around his family. His friends. <em>Sokka</em>.</p><p>“Okay,” he said, unable to keep the smile off his face, “but I need that guest room back.”</p><p>It took Sokka a good ten seconds to realize what he meant, and his only response was a beautiful laugh followed by the perfect kiss.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0074"><h2>74. Chapter Sixty-Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Figuring out exactly how the changes were going to work wasn’t easy.</p><p>Admittedly, Sokka was speaking rather impulsively when he told Zuko that he wanted to keep visiting the Fire Nation to be with him, but when he thought about it that night, his little spoon held tight in his arms, he knew that he meant every word he said. He loved the Southern Water Tribe, and he would <em>never </em>turn his back on them if they needed him, but they didn’t. Not <em>all</em> the time. The war was over, they were well taken care of, and his dad could handle anything that came up during the times his son was in the Fire Nation. Plus, he was already getting excited for Zuko to come with him to the Southern Water Tribe at some point—because <em>obviously </em>the long-distance thing had to go both ways, Fire Lord duties and all—and made way too many plans while he was trying to fall asleep. And on top of all that, Sokka was just happy to have things to work on again. Even if he wasn’t in the Fire Nation, being closer with Zuko kept him more involved in greater projects, which was what he’d always dreamed of.</p><p>In just the few months since Sokka arrived, he’d already managed to help all four nations. He helped the Water Tribe by resolving a dispute for the Northern Tribe and sending supplies to the Southern, which were immensely helpful according to his dad. He helped the Earth Kingdom by sorting out the plans for restoring the colonized villages back to their former glory, despite the bumpy path it took to get there. He helped the Fire Nation in countless ways by assisting with various plans for the education system, arranging benefits for local nonprofits, and modifying countless projects revolving around so many different things that he couldn’t even remember them all. He helped the Air Nomads by making Aang the greatest sandwich he’d ever eaten in his life. Which was not exactly some grand achievement but there was only the one Air Nomad left in the world, so what else was he supposed to do?</p><p>Sokka clung a little tighter to Zuko, breathing softly into the back of his neck. It wasn’t even a conscious decision to sleep that way, he’d just gotten comfortable with it and somehow found himself snuggling close to him in that way whenever they stayed in the same bed. Not that it was a bad thing in any way. Zuko was smaller—but he <em>was </em>finally gaining weight, thank the fucking spirits—and warmer and his soft hair always smelled like classy soap from the royal spa. He was also touch starved as anything as Sokka came to realize, and didn’t care if his boyfriend—yes, <em>boyfriend</em>, they were boyfriends, and Sokka could not stop smiling about that—wanted to cling to him like a teddy bear the entire night. In fact, Sokka wasn’t sure if he was even aware of it, but Zuko often shifted in his sleep to press his head into Sokka’s chest and hug him back the same way. Sometimes he mumbled a little too, usually about Sokka being warm and pretty, and that was his favorite thing. Zuko was honestly too cute for the world and Sokka was genuinely shocked that he’d never realized that before.</p><p>Though his boyfriend—<em>boyfriend</em>, the Fire Lord was <em>his </em>boyfriend—usually woke up at the same time as the sun, Sokka wasn’t concerned in the least when he was the first to wake that day. In general, Zuko was getting better and didn’t need the copious amounts of sleep anymore, but the reasons for his long sleep that day were threefold. The first, that he’d apparently gotten drunk when he ran off and was probably going to wake up with an awful headache. The second, that he’d stayed up far later than he was used to and needed to make up the hours. The third, that in his stressed state, he’d forgotten to eat anything the day before and had to stay up even <em>later </em>when his uncle found out and made sure that he had a snack before he finally retired to bed. He fell asleep in Sokka’s arms within minutes, and though it took Sokka a little longer to pass out after him, he didn’t mind. He just dragged his fingers through Zuko’s hair, unable to stop himself from smiling the more he thought about the fact that he was in love. With Zuko. His boyfriend. The Fire Lord. His boyfriend. The world’s greatest firebender. <em>His boyfriend</em>.</p><p>He didn’t play with his hair that morning, just holding onto his stomach. Zuko was still too small and his ribs were too visible, but they were working on it, so he didn’t say a word. Everything was going well, the only problem being that since he told Zuko he planned to keep visiting the Fire Nation and confessed to <em>himself </em>that that was what he really wanted to do, he had to tell his family. It was good news for Zuko, but he knew that when he told his family, when he told his dad and Katara, they wouldn’t take it the same way. Sokka knew they loved him, and he trusted them to support him no matter what, but that didn’t mean they were going to be happy about it. That didn’t mean they were going to agree with his decision or think he was doing the right thing. Katara didn’t even seem to be totally accepting of the fact that he was with Zuko—though he wasn’t sure whether that was because Zuko was a boy or because Zuko was, well, <em>Zuko</em>—and that meant there was almost no way she was going to really agree with his choice. But that was the thing, wasn’t it? It was <em>his </em>choice. Not that it made it any easier.</p><p>Zuko groaned quietly, jerking Sokka back to attention. He was clearly waking up, though he didn’t move aside from nuzzling his head deeper into the pillows. Sokka squeezed him closer, knowing his hangover must’ve been hitting him as he became more alert, and not wanting to rush him to wake up. Everything was quiet for a few moments until Zuko let out a moan and flopped around to shove his head into Sokka’s chest. It was an abrupt movement and threw Sokka off a little, but he just readjusted and slid his arms back around Zuko’s waist, allowing the Fire Lord to use him to block out the sun. Zuko seemed to fall asleep again after a couple minutes, his head pressed against Sokka’s chest and one leg wrapping around his boyfriend’s; his silly stuffed turtle duck squeezed between his arms. By that point, Sokka had accepted his fate to be stuck in bed for a while, but he didn’t mind. He wanted to spend time with Zuko, and he wanted to delay the conversation he was going to have to have with his family, so staying in bed and snuggling for a while didn’t seem like such a bad idea. He let out a deep breath, closing his own eyes as if to try and get some more rest, but was interrupted by the sound of the door opening quietly.</p><p>Apparently not expecting either of them to be awake, Iroh appeared a little surprised to see Sokka looking back at him, but only waved as he brought a tray of tea over to the table beside Zuko’s bed. Sokka shifted a little to sit up, bringing Zuko along with him and moving slowly enough to not wake him. He didn’t even appear to notice, just nuzzling back into the pillows and Sokka’s side after they moved. Iroh stopped after placing the tea down on the table, a small smile on his face as he looked to his happily sleeping nephew. There were a lot of things that were out of Sokka’s control—how much Zuko ate, how much he liked himself, how hard he tried to get better—but if there was one thing he could do, it was make sure that Zuko was safe. That he was safe, happy, cared for, <em>loved</em>. Sokka looked up to Iroh, hoping the man accepted that he was the one who could do those things for his nephew, and thankfully, Iroh seemed more than pleased for it to be him.</p><p>“This tea has healing properties,” said Iroh, keeping his voice quiet so as not to disturb his nephew. “He should drink it when he wakes up, it will help with his headache from the alcohol last night. There are some fruits and pastries here too, he needs to remember to eat something today.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Sokka smiled to the older man, his heart warming to see how much Iroh loved the Fire Lord. Of course, he loved him a lot too, just not in the same way. “I’ll make sure he has some of both. Hey, I know we talked before and you said it was okay for me to take him on a date, but I was just wondering if— er— if this is okay with you? I know how important you are to Zuko and I don’t want to get in the way of—”</p><p>“As long as my nephew is happy, I am happy for him.” His words were nothing but genuine and though it was kind of a roundabout answer, Sokka felt his shoulders relax. Zuko shifted a little and Sokka reached up instinctively to push a strand of hair from his face, feeling a little awkward when he remembered he had an audience. Iroh didn’t seem to mind. “Thank you for being here for him. I know he was scared to reach out for help and the fact that you stayed with him when he needed someone made all the difference in the world. Without you here to support him, I don’t know what he would have been able to turn things around. At least, not as drastically as he needed to.”</p><p>“I couldn’t just leave him here, I— when I came here, I wasn’t really expecting to stay for more than a few days, but he had a panic attack on what was <em>supposed </em>to be my last afternoon here and I just… I couldn’t leave him like that. Mind you, I never intended to fall in love with him, but— wait. Shit. Sorry. Has he told you about that? I have a really bad habit of babbling out things that I probably shouldn’t have said, and I feel like that might have been one of them.”</p><p>“It’s okay, Sokka. He hasn’t talked to me about his feelings yet, but I’ve seen the way he looks to you with that little spark in his eye. And that’s not even addressing what happened last night or the fact that he’s asleep on top of you right now, though you may want to speak to him about his feelings for that turtle duck. It appears to be getting a lot of his attention at the moment.”</p><p>“Yeah.” The smile that crept up Sokka’s face was more sad than anything else as he pushed another lock of hair behind Zuko’s ear. He dragged his hand down the Fire Lord’s face gently, hesitating before he went on. “I don’t mind it. I’m just glad he’s not holding on to his arms anymore. That was really scary. Last night I thought— I mean, I was afraid that he would—”</p><p>“I was too.” Iroh’s tone was just as sad as the look on Sokka’s face, though he was visibly hopeful as he turned to walk back over to the door. “But he’s okay and you are here for each other. Everything is going to be okay. You just have to believe in your and his ability to recover from this. You’re stronger than you know.”</p><p>He gave Sokka one more reassuring look before he stepped out of the room, leaving the boys in silence again. Sokka turned back down to Zuko’s softly sleeping face, dragging his fingers through his longer hair as he leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead. He was adorable, sleeping against Sokka’s side as he clung to his little stuffed animal. Okay, it wasn’t a <em>little </em>stuffed animal so much as a pillow-sized fluff monster, but it was still adorable in every way. Though Zuko was completely asleep, he was leaning into Sokka—their legs tangled together, his head pressed into his chest, and one of Sokka’s arms wrapped around his waist while the other gently played with his hair. There was nothing that Sokka would have changed about the moment. Nothing that could have been better than sitting there with his boyfriend—<em>his boyfriend</em>, the cutest human being alive—and all he wanted was to let it last forever.</p><p>But it couldn’t, and after a short nap and several more minutes, Zuko finally opened his eyes, blinking he looked up to Sokka. Before he could even say a word, Sokka leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips. It was just a gentle one; quick, simple and nothing too special, but it made Zuko’s entire face melt into a puddle of happiness and he bit down on his lip in that same adorable way that he always did. Except he didn’t bite down right on the center where he did when he was anxious, he bit a little off to the side in the way he only did when he was happy. In the way that didn’t leave a mark because he wasn’t nervous and biting down hard enough to leave a mark, he was just smiley and expressing that in a way that was too cute for the world. Sokka couldn’t help but press one more quick kiss to his lips before he leaned back in the pillows; smiling back at his sleepy boyfriend. He twirled Zuko’s hair around his fingers, kissing him on the forehead one last time before he finally spoke.</p><p>“Hi,” was the only word that he could get out, too happy in the moment to think about anything else. Thankfully, Zuko didn’t seem bothered by that.</p><p>“Hi,” he mumbled, his voice thick with sleep as he shifted a little closer into his boyfriend’s arms. Sokka took the hint and wrapped his other arm around Zuko’s body, pulling him in tight and squeezing the stuffed animal between them. “Did I thleep in a long time? It lookth like it’th really late.”</p><p>“No, you’re okay.” Sokka shook his head, wanting Zuko to know that given everything that happened, it was perfectly okay for him to sleep longer than usual. Especially since he wasn’t going to be attending to any duties for a few days still. He smiled again, clasping his fingers together around Zuko’s back. Again, his spine was a little too exposed for comfort, but he didn’t say a word about it. “Does your head hurt? Your uncle brought tea that’s supposed to help with your hangover, so if you want to have some, we can get up.”</p><p>“I don’t want to get up, I want to thleep on you.” As if to prove his point, Zuko nuzzled deeper into Sokka’s chest, smiling happily as he did so. He let out a soft breath, squeezing tighter onto his stuffed animal as he relaxed into Sokka’s arms. “You’re the betht perthon ever to take napth with. You’re tho pretty. I love you.”</p><p>For a split second, Sokka couldn’t help but wonder whether his boyfriend was actually still drunk, but he realized quickly that Zuko was actually just half-asleep and exhausted from the night before. He sighed. “I love you too. But I have to disagree with your point because <em>you </em>are the best person to take naps with. And you’re also really, really cute. Like, seriously, unbelievably cute. I was just wondering how I never noticed that about you before all of this started.”</p><p>“Probably becauthe I got thith big ugly mark on my fathe.”</p><p>“What, this?”</p><p>Pained by how sad Zuko’s tone sounded when he spoke, Sokka gently nudged his chin to get him to turn his head, planting a kiss on the edge of his scar when he moved. Zuko’s shoulders dropped when he did that, and suddenly, he turned his head farther the other way and reached a hand up to Sokka’s head, pulling him down for a real kiss. His lips were chapped but warm, split but soft, and just like every time they touched, it could’ve lasted forever and there was no part of Sokka that would’ve minded. They were getting closer the more they were together, more attuned to each other’s likes, and Sokka couldn’t resist playing into the things he knew that Zuko enjoyed. It didn’t take much for him to start smiling against Sokka’s lips and before he knew what was happening, the Fire Lord was laughing and pulled away to hide his face in Sokka’s chest as if he were embarrassed by it.</p><p>“Hey. Zuko. Can you do something for me really quick?” Though he knew he should back off, Sokka decided to tease him a little bit and tickled the back of his neck to get his attention. When Zuko looked up, a questioning expression in his eyes, he smiled mischievously. “Can you say my name, please?”</p><p>“What? Why?” Zuko frowned, furrowing his brow as he tried to understand what was happening. “How ith that a favor? I would jutht be thaying— oh. Oh, I get it. I’m thtill tired and thick from the thake and you want to make fun of me becauthe I can’t thay your name right.”</p><p>“No, I just want to admire how cute it is when you say my name when you’re lisping.? I won’t make fun of you, I promise. You’re just so fucking cute. Please? Just once? For me? Just say ‘Sokka’. Please, please, please?”</p><p>“No, thtop with the puppy dog eyeth.” The funniest part about the situation as Zuko scrambled away from Sokka to pout on the other side of the bed was that Sokka was well aware that his boyfriend could stop lisping any time he wanted to if he just paid a little more attention to his speech. From what he’d seen, it only got well out of control when he was drunk, crying, or mostly asleep, and he didn’t seem to be any of those. Not anymore. “I’m not doing it! Thtop, theriouthly! Thokka, jutht—”</p><p>He snapped his mouth shut and groaned at the same time Sokka smiled, leaping forward to pull him into a hug. Zuko rolled his eyes, refusing to return the gesture as if he were upset, though his body language said otherwise. He tried to pull away but not hard enough for it to be a serious movement and Sokka pressed his head against Zuko’s shoulder as he told him repeatedly how cute he was and how much he loved him and he <em>knew </em>he was overdoing it when he stopped talking and started kissing the Fire Lord’s neck but dammit, he was happy, and he was going to milk that for all it was worth. Luckily, the gesture seemed to make Zuko happy too because he wrapped his arms around the back of Sokka’s head, gently holding him where he was. Sokka complied with his silent request and stayed there for a little longer, though he knew he couldn’t put off everything else forever and ended up pulling away somewhat reluctantly.</p><p>As Zuko was hungover and not quite trustworthy enough to leave on his own, Sokka stuck around through breakfast and made sure that he got enough to eat and drink before he finally slid out of bed. He kissed Zuko’s cheek one more time before he got up, smiling the whole way out the room. He didn’t want to leave, but he knew that if he put off talking to his family for too long, he’d never be able to talk himself into doing it and that would spin the situation into a whole new world of lies by omission which he did <em>not </em>want to do. So, he wandered around the halls and corridors until he finally found Katara and his dad sitting on a balcony overlooking the courtyard. They looked to be in a good mood, at least, so that was working in Sokka’s favor, if nothing else. He was already anxious, feeling awkward as anything, and yanked his thumb out of his mouth when he realized he’d started chewing on it again at some point on his way there. They smiled when they saw him and he forced a friendly expression back, hoping he could hide the fear he felt about the situation.</p><p>They were going to support him. There was no doubt about it. But there was still something nagging in his mind, telling him that they were going to think he was giving up or leaving them because he found something else he cared about more, which wasn’t true. The tribe meant everything to him—in terms of the people and the place—but he knew he wouldn’t be happy if he couldn’t see Zuko or Zuko couldn’t come to see him. Plus, they didn’t need him as urgently they once did and sitting around making busywork for himself when he was having a bad leg day just wasn’t fulfilling. It didn’t work him to the full potential Zuko saw in him. It didn’t give him that rush he felt when he helped solve a globally threatening issue and he wanted to keep doing that. He wanted to keep helping as many people as he could and he couldn’t let anything stop him, so he walked over to his dad and sister, stopping a foot back from the railing where they stood.</p><p>“I need to talk to you guys,” said Sokka. His voice cracked slightly, and he realized that he didn’t sound quite as confident as he was intending to. Hopefully he looked at least marginally better. Both Katara and Hakoda nodded for him to go on, waiting to hear what he had to say. He chickened out at the last second. “Last night, after Zuko came back, we had a sort of… moment.”</p><p>“Yeah, Toph told us about that.” Katara made a face, glancing over at their dad before she went on, her tone slightly affected. “She couldn’t hear what you said but she saw the whole thing and I <em>really </em>wish she didn’t say as much about it as she did. I mean, I’m happy for you! I’m definitely happy for you, but you’re my brother. I did <em>not</em> need to hear that.”</p><p>“Luckily, I was not around for that part of the conversation.” The look in Hakoda’s eyes was almost humorous as he nudged Sokka to go on. “So? What do you want to tell us about? We already know about you and Zuko, so if you’re worried about that, just know that it’s okay. We support you one hundred percent.”</p><p>“Thanks, that means a lot.” Sokka swallowed hard, bracing himself for the harder part of the conversation. He decided not to go quite that far yet, wanting to establish how grateful he was for <em>everything</em>, and not just their support on that. “Actually, thank you for… for everything. I know I should have said something a long time ago and I didn’t, but I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’re all here for me now. Not just for my mental health, but you were so forgiving when I did all those stupid things, and you were both so supportive when I told you I was bisexual and I’m with Zuko and I guess that’s what I’m trying to tell you now is he had a kind of epiphany? And as of last night, we’re— we’re together. Like, really, actually together. He let me call him my boyfriend last night. Which I know doesn’t seem like a lot considering everything we’ve been doing but it’s hard for him, so…”</p><p>“No, I get it. I’m proud of you both for feeling open enough to enter a relationship and tell us about it. As long as you’re happy, we’ll be happy for you too. I meant what I said, Sokka. We will support you no matter what you do. I don’t care if you’re with a guy or a girl or a platypus bear as long as you’re happy. We will always have your back.”</p><p>“Okay, but what if I told you that I was thinking about coming back here to stay in the Fire Nation sometimes because I’m in love with Zuko and I think I’m in love with the work I’ve been doing here too and I’m really scared to leave home again even if it’s just for a few weeks at a time but I don’t want to leave Zuko either and I think it would be best for everyone if I stayed here because you really don’t need me at the tribe <em>all </em>the time and in the long run, I think staying here and helping Zuko with his affairs and having him come visit us at the tribe too would make me really happy.”</p><p>“I, uh—” Katara blinked several times, glancing over at Hakoda before she said anything else. “First, I would say that you probably just set a record for the longest sentence ever spoken, and then I would tell you that I think it’s great you found something that makes you happy. I can’t speak for Dad, but if visiting more often would help you stop feeling depressed or like a burden, then I think that’s what you should do. We’ll be okay without you sometimes.”</p><p>“Absolutely agree,” said Hakoda, a small, knowing smile on his face. “That’s actually what we were just talking about when you came out here. You’ve already been here for what, three or four months? I wasn’t sure before I found out about you and Zuko, but by this point, I think we all kind of knew you’d be coming back more and that’s perfectly okay. All I want is the best for you and I know now that you were struggling before. I don’t know what we could do different, or how we could help you feel better when you’re back home, but—”</p><p>“There’s not really anything you could do.” He was biting on his thumbnail again, but he couldn’t stop himself. Sokka glanced down to his shoes, taking a deep breath as he prepared to speak his truth. “I just… I was kind of living in a fantasy, I think. When I was a kid, I thought I was the man of the tribe and I wanted to live up to that role, but I don’t think it’s what I’m supposed to do. I just kind of sat around and made plans because I was trying to hide that I couldn’t do the physical labor and honestly, I spent a lot more time depressive napping in my igloo than I’d like to admit. I haven’t done that here, though. When I get upset I just bury myself in work and I know that seems like a bad coping mechanism, but it helps because it makes me feel <em>useful. </em>Zuko always says that I’m smart and underutilized and he told me that if we wanted to make regular visits to check in on shit then he would let me take on as much as I wanted and fuck, that sounds good. Plus I could see him more often and I just— I think this is where I need to be. Not all the time, definitely not, I can’t just leave the tribe, but… maybe I could have a home in both places.”</p><p>“Well, if that’s what you think, then that’s what I think too.” Sokka’s dad did not wait a second to step forward and pull him into an embrace, ceasing the last of his shaking. He wrapped his arms around the older man’s back, letting out a deep sigh of relief as he realized that everything was okay. Just like he knew deep inside of him, they accepted it. They supported him no matter what. Hakoda didn’t pull away when he spoke again. “I want you to know now, Sokka, that we will always be here for you. Whenever you want to come home or you want to invite Zuko to come see you for a while, that’s okay. You mean so much to us and I know you’ve had trouble opening up for the last few years, but you are doing so well, and I want to you keep trying, all right? I don’t know how much longer you can stay here right now because we got to get you back to your therapist, bud, but it’s good. You’re good.”</p><p>“Okay.” Sokka nodded as he pulled away, thankful for the reassurance that his dad and Katara wouldn’t be leaving too soon. His dad was right, he needed to go back to the tribe soon because nothing would ever turn out well if he let himself slip back into bad habits, but he liked the idea of a later adjustment. Of him and Zuko going to see each other all the time. He smiled bittersweetly to his family, hesitating before he said anything else. The conversation was a little too serious at that point and he felt like he had to lighten it up, so he went down a sillier route. “So, Toph told you all about what happened last night, eh? Did she tell you the best part? The really, really great part that was just <em>so good</em>, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it?”</p><p>Katara looked genuinely afraid, her eyes widening as she prepared for the worst. “I have a feeling she did not.”</p><p>“No? Well, after we said the ‘I love you’s and whatever, we kissed. For a while. And it was getting really good but then the best thing happened after like, two or three minutes, when Zuko suddenly ripped away from me. I know that sounds weird, but it gets great, I promise. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but then I looked up and—you’re never going to believe this—there was a turtle duck on his head. Just sitting there. Literally just a baby turtle duck climbed up on his head and sat there while we were making out. It was a little distracting. Zuko thought it was the cutest thing he’d ever seen.”</p><p>“And what did you think?” asked his sister, her posture clearly softening when she realized that Sokka was just messing with her and <em>not </em>telling her something super oogie.</p><p>He hesitated, thinking back to the moment he watched Zuko lift the turtle duck from his head and set it on his knee; stroking its shell gently as he gushed about how adorable it was, but there was only one thought in Sokka’s mind while it happened and that was the thought which ended up coming out of his mouth as he failed to keep the smile off his lips. “I thought <em>he </em>was the cutest thing I’d ever seen.”</p><p>That time, Katara only smiled and reached her arms out for a hug.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0075"><h2>75. Chapter Sixty-Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first tear was no big deal. The second and third ones were acceptable. By the time the fourth tear sprung from his eye, Zuko was about ready to set something on fire. He groaned and turned to look at his uncle, dodging the place where he was supposed to be facing.</p><p>“Do I have to keep doing this?” he asked, his tone and expression pleading for a way out of the situation.</p><p>“You promised, Fire Lord Zuko.” Iroh’s tone was not harsh but nudged him in the right direction. He had, after all, made the promise to go through with tests and if he backed out then, he would be disappointing not only his uncle, but himself. “I am right here if you need anything—tea, reassurance, a hand to hold—but you must finish the rest of the exam. Just to make sure everything is okay.”</p><p>“Okay.” Zuko hesitated before he went on, unable to say the exact words. “Can I— can I have the last thing?”</p><p>Iroh didn’t hesitate before sitting down on the bed beside his nephew, reaching out for his hand. It wasn’t even necessarily that Zuko needed the comfort from it, but that he needed something to squeeze as an outlet for his pain. The decision to finally let Shin take a look at his vision and hearing loss was a tough one, and he was only sold when Iroh asked they let her inspect the lasting damage so they could know if it was something that could potentially get worse. Though he was terrified of knowing there was the chance potential that he might someday be <em>completely </em>deaf and blind on one side, Zuko’s tears that day weren’t from anxiety or emotion, but from holding his eyes open for too long while Shin stared at his scarred eye and made him do all sorts of tests to see just how far left he was able to perceive (so far, they had concluded he retained absolutely no peripheral vision and pretty fucked-up depth perception, but could register and identify most objects as long as they were directly in front of him).</p><p>When they first discussed the idea of doing the tests, Zuko didn’t think it was worth it. There was no point in looking at it because what happened was in the past and there was no reason for anyone else to know how bad it was when it couldn’t be fixed anyway. And he was right, it couldn’t be fixed. But there was a chance they could help to stabilize it or prepare him for if it had the potential to get worse, which was what Shin was looking at. Zuko had no idea <em>how </em>she was doing that as he was not a physician, but apparently it required a lot of poking around his scar and trying to burn out the last of his vision. It hurt to hold his eye open so much, especially with all the scar tissue weighing it down, but it was a little easier with Iroh holding his hand and he was able to make it through the rest of the stinging, annoying as shit tests without giving up. Of course, that only meant it was time for the harder part because he had to know exactly what was wrong with him and whether it was going to get worse.</p><p>“All right, I think I’ve seen everything I need to.” Shin wrote down a few more things on a sheet of paper atop Zuko’s desk; the same one she’d been drawing on for the last hour as they went through the tests. “The biggest takeaway from this, for me, is that you’re fairly certain that your senses haven’t gotten worse, right? They were gone completely after the Agni Kai, but they came back, and they’ve stayed there but impaired ever since. That gives me a good feeling that, at least for the time being, you’re not going to lose any more of your vision or hearing. That said, I was pretty definitively able to mark how well you’re <em>currently </em>able to sense on that side of your face and since you didn’t think it was relevant, I don’t have to share that information if you don’t want it, but if you do, it’s here.”</p><p>“You can tell me.” His voice came out quieter than he expected, and he looked to Iroh for reassurance. “I want to know.”</p><p>The physician nodded. “From the tests we did, I would say that the worst of your senses is touch. You’re only able to process around ten percent of what you’re feeling on the left side of your face, likely from nerve damage because of the burn. Your hearing is a little better; compared to the right side, I would guess you’re around forty percent of your initial sense in your left ear, which is why you’re able to process sounds but not quite understand them. Your eye is a bit worse than that, though. I’d say you have right about thirty percent of your vision left there, counting the fact that you’re not able to register anything in your peripheral or on the far-left side of that eye. But, like I said, it doesn’t seem to be deteriorating at all so for the time being, all of this is really just knowledge. You don’t have to worry about it until you start to get older, at which point you’ll likely have to run some tests again.”</p><p>“Okay.” Zuko bit down on his lip, glancing over to his uncle and waiting for another squeeze before he said anything else. “You can go now. Thank you.”</p><p>It wasn’t a request so much as a command, and Shin did as she was told. They’d already discussed the fact that he was okay to go back to work as long as he started slow and kept up to date with regular health checks until they knew everything was okay. At first, he was a little reluctant, uncertain whether he’d be able to go through with the constant medical appointments but gave in when he found out Sokka had already committed to do the same thing once he went back to the tribe. Apparently, he was supposed to keep up with weekly checks for up to six <em>months </em>to make sure that everything was okay. Given that he’d quite literally fucked up his heart, Zuko understood <em>why </em>Sokka had to be so careful about it, but it didn’t make it seem any less absurd. Still, it was important that they both kept themselves in good shape—or <em>got </em>themselves in good shape, as Zuko was still significantly underweight even if he was starting to gain—and he’d agreed if only for the solidarity with his boyfriend. <em>His boyfriend</em>. It was still new and foreign, but he liked it. He liked knowing that Sokka was the one he was committed to. That he could talk to him every day and be with him every night.</p><p>Though he wasn’t necessarily surprised or upset by the news, it took Zuko a few minutes of silence to process everything that Shin said. Having a number, an estimate as to how much he’d truly lost, made it feel more <em>real </em>somehow. At first, he struggled to identify the feeling inside of him, but after a minute or two, Zuko realized that it was peace. He was okay with it. Knowing how much he’d lost meant nothing when he also knew how much he’d gained. Friends, family, <em>Sokka</em>. So, when Iroh asked whether he was okay, Zuko opened his mouth to say, “Yes.” Yes, he was finally okay. He was at peace with what happened, at least in that way, and he wanted to tell his uncle, but didn’t get the chance. The door opened suddenly, Mai walking in without a care for what she was interrupting as she strode over to them with a stack of papers and scrolls in her hands.</p><p>“Hey.” She kicked the door shut behind her, walking past his bed presumably on her way to his desk. “Azula wanted me to bring you these, for when you— holy shit. Is that a <em>hickey</em>?”</p><p>“What? No!” Despite what he said, Mai dropped the papers onto the desk immediately, running over to look at Zuko. She ignored Iroh as he slid off the bed to give the teens some space, quietly excusing himself from the room with the excuse of refilling their empty tea tray. Once he was gone, Mai rushed over to look where Zuko had thrown a hand over his neck. He dodged her attempts to get a better look at what he was hiding. “Mai, stop. It’s not a hickey!”</p><p>“Zuko, seriously, I’m not an idiot. That’s a fucking hickey.” Finally, Zuko groaned and dropped his hand, hoping the mark wasn’t as obvious or bright as she seemed to think it was. Mai smirked and sat on the bed beside him, causing him to scoot over a little as he turned to see her better. “It’s from Sokka, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Yeah, fine. But in my defense, he’s my boyfriend now, so…”</p><p>“He’s <em>what</em>? Since when?” Zuko flinched, his first reaction to her response being to think she was disappointed in him for actually being with a man despite what she’d said to him before. But that wasn’t what she was intending at all and her slowly softening expression gave him the reassurance he needed without a word. “Relax, Zuko, I’m not judging you. I just didn’t know you were actually together. Is it new?”</p><p>“Mm.” Suddenly, he was extremely uncomfortable, not really sure how to talk about his new relationship with his <em>ex </em>of all people. Regardless of whether he ever truly had romantic feelings for her, Zuko knew that she had them for him, and it didn’t really seem right to be rubbing his happiness in her face like that. “It’s been, like, two days. I don’t know. I love him a lot.”</p><p>“Like, <em>love</em>-love him, or…? Right. Okay. You seem a little nervous right now, so I just want you to know that I’m not asking because I’m jealous, I’m asking because I’m your friend. I’m really, really proud of you for coming this far. Honestly, when I broke up with you, part of me thought you’d end up unhappy with some other noblewoman and I’m so glad that you didn’t. You deserve to be happy and you couldn’t do that until you accepted you were into guys. I’m proud of you.”</p><p>“Thank you. I, uh, I still freak out about it sometimes, honestly. The only reason I even got up the courage to be with Sokka was because of something Aang said. I don’t want to say anything to Sokka because it’s not a constant thing and I don’t want him to think I’m going to flake but I’m— I’m more scared than I look.”</p><p>“That’s fine. Not even that surprising.” Mai reached a hand out to squeeze Zuko’s shoulder, giving him a reassuring look. “Seriously, it’s okay. If you ever need to talk to someone about it, you can tell me. It’s not a big deal. Come here.”</p><p>She reached forward to pull Zuko into a hug, one hand lifting to stroke the back of his head in the same way she always did when he needed comfort. Zuko wasn’t even exactly sad, he was just coming to terms with who he was and trying to figure out how to accept it. How to move forward with knowing that he’d spend the rest of his life being treated differently by people who didn’t have the same beliefs as him and his friends. But those people didn’t matter, did they? Yeah, they might get to him in the short term, bother him for a day or two, but once they were gone, they were gone. His friends were there forever. It took Zuko until after that chain of thought to finally reach up and wrap his arms around Mai too, grateful that he was lucky enough to have so many people who cared about him. Even when he was struggling and hated himself so much he couldn’t function, they still loved him, and he loved them too.</p><p>After their hug, Mai flipped Zuko’s sloppy ponytail with her fingers, then gave him one more reassuring look and the promise that she was always around to talk before she left the room. He was alone for only a few minutes before Iroh came back with the tray of tea, looking significantly less awkward than he did when he left. Zuko understood, of course—if he had a kid, he wouldn’t want to hear all about his hickey either. Attention returned to it, Zuko tapped two fingers to his neck while Iroh placed the tea down on the table. He gave Zuko a look, letting him know he didn’t have to hide his hickey, though it wasn’t exactly something either of them were keen to discuss. So, instead of saying anything about it, Zuko just smiled and thanked his uncle for the tea before sitting down at his desk to see what sort of things Azula sent for him to work on.</p><p>Iroh kept a close eye on him as he worked, though he was as subtle about it as he could be. He cracked several jokes and continually made small talk and though it got somewhat annoying and disruptive at points, Zuko didn’t mind. Irritating or not, he knew that his uncle had his best interests at heart and was just trying to make sure he didn’t get too stressed while working on things he’d had no part in until just then. Most of it wasn’t even things he was meant to work with, just review so he would be back up to speed once he actually got back to doing his job. Admittedly, he was somewhat scared of the change, but everyone’s encouragement and promises to help made it seem a little easier to adjust to a life where he’d not only be working on the nation but working on himself as he spent two or three days in therapy every week. No one planned to tell the people about it, which was good, though he was still afraid of what happen if they might find out. Then again, the world knew what happened to his face and no one thought less of him for that.</p><p>“Fire Lord Zuko.” It wasn’t until Iroh gently placed a hand on his shoulder that he realized he’d been stroking the edge of his scar. His uncle paused before he went on, his tone just as gentle as it was at first. “Your upbringing may have made you who you are, but I hope you understand that you did not deserve any of the horrible things my brother did to you.”</p><p>It took Zuko a minute to decide on his response but once he did, he was confident in his words. “I do, Uncle. I really do.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Zuko’s first day back on his feet was never going to be easy but it got off to a nice start.</p><p>From the moment he woke up, he was overwhelmed with anxiety. He thought it was stupid, that there was no good reason for him to be nervous, but Sokka gave him a hug and assured him that it made sense given how long he was out for. Still, he wasn’t able to shake the nerves swirling around in his stomach and almost tried to put it off for illness. However, Sokka managed to win him over by canceling the resuming of his normal morning routine and stepping in instead. Zuko wasn’t sure what exactly he was intending to do when he asked the Fire Lord to turn around, but as soon as his boyfriend’s soft fingers began to gently drag a comb through his hair, he understood. Sokka wanted to help him get the space he needed so he wouldn’t get the day off to a horribly anxious start, and it worked. He was careful around Zuko’s scar, made cute comments while he tied his topknot, and kissed him on the back of his head before he turned to get his hairpiece from where it hadn’t moved in weeks.</p><p>When he placed the shining piece back where it belonged, Zuko flinched a little. He hadn’t worn it in ages and having it back on his head felt strange, though he knew in his heart that it was in the right place. Yes, he was away from the public eye for weeks, but he was finally in a place where he felt confident enough to try again. Where he trusted himself and the people around him enough to make sure he maintained a healthy lifestyle and developed safer coping mechanisms for the problems which weren’t so easy to solve. Suddenly proud of himself for making it to that point, Zuko spun around and crossed his legs in front of him before leaning forward to thank Sokka with a kiss. It was only supposed to be quick and sweet, but he got a little ahead of himself and ended up pulling his boyfriend in tighter, holding onto either side of his face until Sokka slid away, giving him an almost annoyed look.</p><p>“Hey, I just spent a combined total of twenty minutes doing our hair,” he said, crossing his arms. “You’re really going to go and destroy all that effort for a kiss? Wow. At least your hickey’s gone, whoever gave you that was really crossing a line. Can you imagine if the people saw you with—?”</p><p>Unable to think of a good comeback, Zuko cut him off with another kiss. Sokka smiled against his lips and pulled him in by the waist; gently swatting his hands away when Zuko tried to play with his hair. They didn’t have a lot of time to mess around as Zuko was meant to be meeting with the council soon, but it was worth the few minutes they got. Sokka left him only for a moment while they got dressed, then came back right away to hold his shaking hand. The first thing on the agenda wasn’t even a meeting, or anything where he’d have to interact with scary people at all, but he still shook on the way to breakfast. By that point, Sokka was pretty much down to using one crutch with Zuko supporting his other side—which Shin did <em>not </em>approve of—so their hands didn’t split the whole way there. Even as they ate they kept their pinkies together, Sokka giving Zuko’s hand a little nudge when he realized the Fire Lord wasn’t eating. It wasn’t for self-destructive reasons, he just felt sick. Scared of what would happen when he went to meet with his council for the first time since his breakdown.</p><p>At the beginning of the meal, most of the chatter was humorous as Zuko’s friends tried to cheer him up, but eventually it devolved into them all just giving him a collective pep talk. Though Zuko felt a bit like he was being babied at first, he quickly realized they were only trying to help and let them finish; thanking them all for his efforts before he and Sokka headed out to the meeting with the council. Technically, Sokka had no place there, but Zuko wasn’t ready to go into a meeting with a dozen scary adults without someone at his side, and though Azula would be there too, he wanted his boyfriend on his left to keep him safe. He didn’t know if that was why Sokka always slid to that side or if it was just a strange habit, but either way, Zuko liked it. He liked having someone strong and smart and brave to cover him where he felt the most vulnerable. Sokka held Zuko’s hand as they sat down, breaking for just a moment while they adjusted their seats.</p><p>“Hey there, little brother.” Zuko rolled his eyes at the comment, wondering at what point in their lives Azula would accept that he was the older one. He said nothing, however, recognizing that the look in her eyes as she turned to face him was nothing but reassuring. “You ready to face these motherfuckers?”</p><p>“Yeah, I think so.” He glanced over at Sokka, giving his hand a squeeze before looking back to his sister with a slightly alarmed expression. “Wait, you haven’t been referring to my council as ‘motherfuckers’ while you’ve been heading my meetings, right? Because if you have, this is either going to be a whole lot easier or a whole lot harder of a shift.”</p><p>“No, I’m not an idiot, Zuzu. And stop clinging to your sleeves, no one is going to care if you have a few scars on your wrists.”</p><p>It took Zuko a few moments to convince himself that she was right, and he loosened his fingers from around his palm. He still dropped one hand on his lap to cover it more subtly, the other still clinging to Sokka’s fingers beneath the table. It wasn’t necessarily that he was afraid of someone knowing what he’d done to himself, but that he didn’t know how the world would react and he didn’t particularly want his council to be asking questions like that when he was still anxious just from being around other people for the first time since his breakdown. Yes, he’d slowly been edging out of bedrest and getting around the palace more over the last couple weeks, but he still only interacted with his friends; not even making small talk with his servants who had likely been informed that he was not to be spoken to.</p><p>Zuko took a deep breath when the first councilman came into the room, squeezing Sokka’s hand tighter when the man bowed to him. He was shaking more than he wanted to, but he couldn’t get himself to stop. He was terrified of what might happen during their meeting, of what the people thought of him after so many weeks away from his duties, but he had to hope for the best. None of the councilmen seemed unhappy or displeased to see him, at least, as they all bowed respectfully when they walked in and gave him a nod before taking their seats. There was still no guarantee that they liked him or even wanted him on the throne, but they respected him and that was enough to hold him over for the day. Or at least, the few scary minutes while they sat down and kept their mouths shut, not wanting to start any discussions about their leader’s current state until everyone was there. All Zuko could do was hope he didn’t look quite as terrified as he felt, knowing that would stop things from getting off to any sort of good start.</p><p>A few minutes after the arrival of the first councilman, everyone else was sat in their seats, leaving Zuko to make his speech. Well, not so much a speech as an inside explanation as to what happened and to let them all know that he was okay and capable of running the nation. Though he was terrible at interacting with people face-to-face, he’d never truly struggled with public speaking before and thought it odd when the nerves started to flutter in his stomach. Sokka must’ve noticed that his anxiety was flaring up too, because he gave Zuko’s hand a quick squeeze before he stood up, glancing down to the scroll on the table in front of him. He remembered everything he was going to say, having poured over it for hours the day before, but he wanted that little reminder in case he freaked out and forgot everything he was supposed to say, even if he <em>did </em>intend to adlib it just a little. Zuko took a deep breath before he spoke, looking around the room but not settling on any one person’s gaze.</p><p>“Hey, Fire Lord Zuko here.” Sokka cracked a smile, and it took everything for Zuko to not let his attention be turned astray. “Before we discuss anything else, I just wanted to say thank you all for supporting me during the last few months. I know the circumstances were not ideal and it couldn’t have been an easy decision not to take me off the throne. That said, I’d also like to thank you, Azula, because I know it was your stubbornness that convinced them to change their minds in the first place. So, thank you. I never thought you’d be here for me the way you have but it means a lot. And to everyone else, it means so much that you still trust and respect me after everything that happened. I know I was pretty sporadic when I spoke with you all last and I wanted to apologize for that. I was going through a lot—I’m still going through a lot—and I have no excuses for behaving the way I did, but I’m getting help for it now and I’m hoping that’ll help me become the Fire Lord that you all know I can be.</p><p>“I’ve been told that I don’t technically owe you an explanation as to what happened, but I want to be honest with you all and so I think it’s important that I confess to the fact that I am, according to my physician, severely mentally ill and partially disabled. Earlier this week, I finally sat down and learned that I am sixty percent deaf and seventy percent blind on my left side. That is relevant knowledge because I have issues with anxiety and while I have had them for my entire life, people standing to my blind side where I struggle to know where they are makes me really nervous. So, I want to ask that from this point forward, you all respect those boundaries and try to stay in my line of vision which unfortunately ends about here.” He held up a hand to show them, hoping it made sense. “I can see you all on the left with my other eye right now, but I can’t see Sokka at all—sorry, Sokka—unless I turn my head and that’s something I should have mentioned a long time ago. Not just because of the impairments, but because I struggle immensely with anxiety, particularly in social situations, and that’s what everyone has always seen as a ‘problem’ with the way I present myself.</p><p>“At this point, I’m sure you’ve all heard enough rumors to understand the basis of the situation, but I want you to hear from me that the reason I was gone for so long was because I suffered a mental breakdown. I stopped taking care of myself, I forgot how to function the way I was supposed to, and when I overheard you all discussing the possibility of removing me from the throne, I panicked. I had what my physician later called a mental breakdown, I passed out, and ended up in a coma because of how badly I was treating myself. When I woke up, I was traumatized, malnourished, and terrified that I was going to lose my nation. Since then, I’ve been working to make myself better and I believe that with enough effort and enough support, I— <em>we </em>will be able to make this nation the place it deserves to be. While I was gone, Sokka, our representative of the Southern Water Tribe took care of a lot of different plans and situations. He’s going to keep visiting and keep doing that, and I haven’t quite run this title by him yet but if you’ll accept it, I would like you at my side not as Sokka the visitor but as Sokka, Southern Water Tribe Ambassador to the Fire Nation. And also my boyfriend. Not that you have to accept that, but I thought you—the council, I mean, you already know, Sokka—should know that I <em>am</em> gay. And I’m also going very far-off script right now so I’m going to sit down before I say anything else stupid.”</p><p>No one spoke a word for long enough to make Zuko uncomfortable, though Sokka smiled and reached out for his hand; giving it a squeeze as he nodded to accept the position that Zuko had offered him. Zuko breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful that at least one person in the room seemed to think his speech was passable. He’d gone further off track than he intended in places, but he didn’t regret a word he said, hoping that his council would appreciate him the way he was and not want to change him the way his old advisors did (the remaining of whom had been fired and replaced by Azula while her brother was on bed rest). His hands started to shake worse as he waited for someone to say something, anything, and he bit down on his lip awaiting the terrifying words that were inevitably yet to come. He only smiled when Sokka whispered to him first.</p><p>“Does that count if I’m only staying here part-time?” he asked quietly.</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Zuko shrugged, glancing over to the others, and lowering his voice. “I don’t see why not.”</p><p>“So, if I’m visiting you but not living here and I’m still your ambassador, then if you come to visit me but you’re not living there either, are you <em>my </em>ambassador?”</p><p>Zuko snorted and opened his mouth to respond to the comment, to say that he’d be more than happy to play that role if Sokka wanted or needed him to, but he didn’t get the chance. Before he could say a word, one of the women on the other end of the table slid a few papers away from her and looked up, fully ready to continue the conversation. Zuko swallowed hard, squeezing Sokka’s hand as he willed his fingers to cease their shaking.</p><p>“We appreciate your honesty and transparency, Fire Lord Zuko.” She did a small, respectful bow in his direction, which he did his best to return. He wanted them to know they were all on the same level. “Admittedly, there was a period where we were very seriously considering using our right to have you removed from the throne, but after a few weeks of debate and discussions, we decided we wanted to put our trust in you. Your ideas and ambitions for this nation are admirable, Fire Lord Zuko, and we will be here to support you for each and every one of them. All we ask is that you take care of <em>yourself </em>too. You cannot care for your people if you are not there for yourself. Thank you.”</p><p>Zuko was supposed to say something and he knew it, but he couldn’t figure out what that thing was. Segue into the next part of the meeting? Thank <em>them </em>again? His mind was overrun with the things she’d said, his brain swirling as he came to terms with the fact that they truly did believe in him. That they wanted to support him in all his overly ambitious endeavors. He gave Sokka’s hand a squeeze as he took a deep breath, smiling to the people who were all staring back at him.</p><p>“Thank you,” he said, his voice louder than he’d been able to make it in weeks. “For everything.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0076"><h2>76. Chapter Sixty-Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For the first few days after Zuko stepped back up to his duties as Fire Lord, Sokka pretty much never let go of his hand. He only admitted to it a few times, but he was anxious as anything and it wasn’t hard for Sokka to figure that out. His hands shook badly whenever things got tense or he had to meet with someone who he knew did not particularly like him, but it got better. Slowly, he eased into a normal schedule and a relaxed state, and Sokka did too. He met with Shin twice a week to make sure he was healthy, and it seemed like he was. They were still going to keep it up for six months once he got back to the tribe just to make sure that nothing started acting up while they weren’t looking, but she assured him that if he was still fine after that point, they would declare his sporadic heartbeat to be benign and switch back to occasional checkups. Even the therapy wasn’t as bad as he was expecting. Zuko often cried after his sessions from just how overwhelming it was and required comforting to get past the horrible things he was made to think about, but it wasn’t quite that awful for Sokka; only partially because wasn’t abused in his childhood.</p><p>At first, it was hard to open up. He wasn’t used to talking about the things the therapist prodded him about and he found it hard to discuss them. Sometimes it was even scary, like when he was asked to describe the recurring nightmares and flashbacks he had, but he learned it wasn’t as big a deal as he thought it was. As it turned out, Suki was right—there was something a lot of warriors experienced where, after a particularly traumatic event or even a whole series of them, they were struck with horrible flashbacks and nightmares which plagued their minds. But therapy helped them and Sokka had a feeling it was going to help him too. He’d also managed to open up about his history of self-harm after that, and they got down into the details of what his temporary therapist was certain was a long history of depression which likely went back to before the war and only got bad enough for him to act on it after he’d broken his leg. Sokka felt a little better after talking about that and he was confident that he could get better, though there was still one thing he wasn’t quite sure about.</p><p>When he spoke at the tribe about the fact that his lifelong issues weren’t something they could get rid of, Sokka didn’t quite know what it meant. But after a few sessions with the Fire Nation woman, after a few discussions detailing exactly what he was struggling with, they nailed down a cause and situation that he wasn’t particularly pleased with. Apparently, everything he’d been doing odd his entire life—sporadic focus, endless fidgeting, disgusting disorganization—was linked to one specific thing that there was no cure for. As his therapist put it, Sokka was born with an overly active spirit, and that manifested itself in a way which caused his brain to function differently from most people’s. In some ways, that could be a blessing, but in others, it was a curse. Sokka’s least favorite parts were issues with focus and fidgeting, though it wasn’t the same for everyone with similar struggles and learned that he’d have to find out the best way for <em>him </em>to work through it rather than focusing on how the problems were solved for others. It took him time to accept that it wasn’t something he could get rid of, that he’d be living with those things for the rest of his life, but declined an offer for medication. At least for the time being, he’d rather have an overly active spirit than risk another addiction.</p><p>Though the therapy was one of the most significant things in his life at that point, there was a lot of other stuff going on too. Sokka was officially named the Southern Water Tribe Ambassador to the Fire Nation and worked closely alongside Zuko for the time he was still there, and constantly referred to his boyfriend as <em>his </em>ambassador because he still believed that if they were bending tradition, it should go both ways. He also headed and assisted with numerous projects, spent far too much time at the library and in the lab helping out with experiments and inventions, and dedicated his time to making the world a better place. The issues with the colonies were still one of the most prevalent and as they began to move into phase one of the plan, Sokka found himself constantly being asked to tweak things regarding phase two and three—which generally caused him to have to rework everything after that—but he didn’t mind. He spent hours a day pouring over the work, either heavily focused on one specific thing or putting his multitasking mind to work and allowing himself to bounce between as much stuff would fit on his desk at a time. Because he had a desk now, partially so he wouldn’t have to put his bad leg on the floor and partially because Zuko wanted to spoil him. Not that it was the desk he was sitting at that evening.</p><p>He’d been working on rewriting phase four of the colony plans for hours at that point, not getting up for more than a few minutes at a time. Sokka was alone for the entire time, not wanting to be disturbed while he worked on his project, though he nearly cracked when he heard the door open behind him. It was quiet and the feet that shuffled along the floor were unmistakable, as were the arms which wrapped around his shoulders; holding him in an embrace which was followed by a gentle kiss to the top of his head. Zuko didn’t say a word for several long seconds, which was unsurprising given how late it was at that point. Sokka had been working since after dinner and that meant it must’ve been close to midnight and nearly six hours since Zuko retired into the planning room to work on something with Aang. There was no way he wasn’t exhausted, and he did nothing to hide it as he pressed his forehead to the top of Sokka’s head, letting out a long sigh before he said anything, his voice quiet and mumbling.</p><p>“Hey,” he started, “did you get the planth figured out?”</p><p>“Not yet.” Sokka shook his head, happy to have Zuko’s arms around him but not yet ready to get up. His leg was doing better, speaking of, but he still wasn’t allowed to get around without a crutch or someone at his side. “I’m trying to figure out what to do about all the businesses being affected by the uprooting. See, I don’t know if you remember, but the original plan was to either pass on ownership or request that they comply with the Earth Kingdom’s rule if they decide to stay in the city, but I think we might need to make it a more case-by-case thing with a set of guidelines. I’ve sketched out a little plan here if you want to take a look. I’m thinking it’ll work better short term, though I’m not sure if it’ll cause any disputes long term and that’s why I was thinking about maybe going for the other plan I’d sketched over here, see? With this one, we can— oh, okay. That’s— okay. That’s nice.”</p><p>Instead of looking over his shoulder to see what Sokka was talking about, Zuko just slid around and sat down right on his lap. He said nothing as he did it, just twisting to see what Sokka was referring to as he leaned back against his boyfriend. Honestly, it was a really nice feeling to have someone he cared about sitting on top of him, though Sokka found it hard to focus on explaining what he was talking about when the cutest human being alive was right there trying to steal away his gaze. Eventually, he managed to get himself back on track, even looping an arm around Zuko to keep writing stuff down as he spoke. He talked quietly for a long time, just babbling on about what he was doing while he worked on it, though Zuko stopped responding after a while. Sokka just kept rambling softly regardless, until he finally looked over and realized that the reason his boyfriend was no longer responding was because he’d fallen asleep. Rather than trying to wake him, Sokka just smiled and dropped his brush back down, reaching his hands up to gently remove the crown from Zuko’s hair. He placed it on top of a small cushion on the desk, then slid the hair tie off too and wrapped it around his wrist.</p><p>After years of doing it for his little sister, braiding hair had become somewhat cathartic for Sokka. He didn’t have to think about a thing he was doing as he dragged Zuko’s hair around, making sure he was being gentle so as not to wake the Fire Lord up. That was the one thing that was different about braiding his boyfriend’s hair to braiding Katara’s—for her, he pretty much yanked the shit out of her hair to get it into its knots. But Zuko felt more delicate somehow; his hair softer and thinner, and especially when he was asleep, Sokka didn’t feel right doing it the way he’d really learned. Someday he could subject Zuko to the experience, but it would not be while he was sleeping. He smiled as he pulled the hair tie around the bottom of Zuko’s braid, pressing a quick kiss to the side of his head while he slid his hands around his boyfriend’s back. Sokka just stayed there for a couple minutes, his head resting on top of Zuko’s and his arms holding him close, but eventually he decided he had to get up. He glanced down to his leg and then over to the bed, nodding to himself confidently.</p><p>Carrying Zuko over to his bed—<em>their </em>bed, actually, as Zuko had officially taken the other guest room back and requested that Sokka move in with him for reasons he wouldn’t and didn’t have to explain—wasn’t as easy as he hoped. He tripped a little bit, stumbling on his bad leg and dealing with a little more pain than he expected, but he made it. He strode the six steps over to the mattress and gently laid Zuko down on his side of the bed before taking off his own shirt and shoes and snuggling in beside him. Zuko barely stirred as Sokka reached over to slide off his formal robes, leaving him in the much more comfortable lounge pants and loose shirt he wore beneath them. Without a care, he tossed the robes on the foot of the bed, realizing only afterward they were probably extremely expensive and made by some of the greatest tailors in the world. But it was just fabric, so it wasn’t a big deal. He sighed and shifted forward, pulling Zuko in close to him and leaning into his radiating body heat. Best part of having a firebender for a boyfriend? The greatest, warmest snuggles of all time. It didn’t take Sokka long to fall asleep and he was grateful for that, as without the work to keep him busy, his mind started to wander to the places which were far sadder.</p><p>When they were first working on getting everything back to where it needed to be, all his friends had committed to staying in the Fire Nation. They were going to be there for as long as Zuko needed their help, and it was so much fun working with them all on the different projects they divided between them. But as the days went on, they were falling into a routine. Zuko slowly worked back up to where he once was, taking on as many projects as he could until Sokka or Iroh had to ask him to stop, and eventually, it reached a point where he knew his family would be leaving soon. Aang already had to keep coming and going for different Avatar things and Sokka knew it was only a matter of time before Katara, Hakoda, Toph, Suki, and even he left too. Sokka knew he would be coming back every few weeks, or Zuko would be coming to see him, but it still felt weird. Like leaving after everything that happened was almost wrong.</p><p>Of all the things that changed as Zuko recovered, the most telling was that he resumed his schedule of rising with the sun regardless of when he’d gone to sleep. As such, by the time Sokka opened his eyes the next morning, Zuko was already awake and sitting up in bed as he read through a stack of letters dropped beside him. Sokka still had an arm around his waist somehow and hoped he hadn’t been too embarrassing or clingy in his sleep, though Zuko didn’t look the least bit bothered and just smiled when he realized his boyfriend was awake; reaching over to fluff out his hair before going back to whatever he was looking at. Instead of trying to wake up when he was so obviously half asleep, Sokka just snuggled in closer to Zuko’s side, resting his head against his slightly less noticeable ribs. Zuko wrapped an arm around him, apparently not bothered by the fact that his boyfriend was incapable of waking up at what the Fire Nation considered to be a normal time. Waterbender or not, he was from the South Pole, and that meant darkness was his friend. Thankfully, Zuko did respect that as Sokka respected his schedule too, and he didn’t think it was going to be an issue despite the big difference it made in how they functioned.</p><p>“Hey.” Zuko dragged a finger down Sokka’s jawline, twirling it around his loose hair. Though his boyfriend had yet to say anything about it, Sokka got a feeling that Zuko <em>really </em>liked his hair, though it was honestly just too annoying for him to deal with to wear down more often than when he slept. “Aang sent a letter from Omashu. Should I be concerned that he had a brief stint in prison for destroying a man’s cabbage stand?”</p><p>“No, that’s pretty normal.” Yawning, Sokka shifted, pulling Zuko in closer to him. “Besides, one of his best and oldest friends—in more ways than one—is the ruler of that place. Pretty sure they let him off with a slap on the wrist, if that. The only people you should really be concerned about going to prison are Toph and Azula, because I think they’re a lot more likely to do something that can’t just be forgiven. Remember their plan to bond over arson?”</p><p>“Okay, fair point.” He chuckled and it was a beautiful sound. For all he’d tried with numerous jokes, gestures, and things of the sort, Zuko rarely laughed and even the smallest giggle out of him made Sokka happy. There <em>was </em>one other thing that proved to be effective, however, and he glanced up at his boyfriend’s face for just one moment before sliding up and wrapping another arm around him. “Sokka, what are you doing?! We just got rid of my hickey!”</p><p>Zuko did actually have a good point but he was also starting to laugh again, and his quiet, ticklish giggles were the cutest thing in the world, so Sokka didn’t stop. He kissed the Fire Lord’s neck until Zuko pulled him up to meet his face, their long hair doing nothing to help cease the chuckles. Though it took a while to unlock it, Sokka decided that Zuko’s little smile when they kissed was his favorite thing in the world. He reached his hands down to hold Zuko’s waist, gently squeezing between the bottom of his ribs and his hips when Zuko finally turned to fully face him, sliding his letters on the pile behind them. Though he wrapped his legs around Sokka’s waist, they didn’t stay that way for long as Sokka leaned forward on his boyfriend, not once breaking their lips when Zuko reached up to wrap his hands around Sokka’s head. They were crumpling some of the papers beneath them, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. They were happy, together, and that was the only thing that Sokka could focus on until he was so rudely interrupted by a knock at the door.</p><p>They scrambled apart quickly, not to hide their relationship as pretty much the entire palace knew, but so as to not be embarrassed by whoever was at the door. As neither of them were particularly keen to stand up either, Sokka just called out that the door was open as it basically always was, and furrowed his brow when Toph walked in. Immediately, he felt his face warm, knowing that she was well aware of what they were doing, and hoped that the mattress and its countless pillows and blankets at least somewhat helped to shield her from the sight. He also hoped she wouldn’t say anything about it, but he didn’t get so lucky.</p><p>“Hey, sorry to interrupt you two boning,” she started, either ignoring the bright red blush on Zuko’s cheeks or unable to recognize the way his posture shifted thanks to the pillows, “but I was just hanging out with the guys and Katara and your dad were talking about leaving, and that got me thinking. Traveling with Aang was fun for a while, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I like it here. So, I guess what I wanted to ask was if it was okay for me to stay here for a while.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, absolutely.” Zuko nodded quickly, not even glancing over to Sokka until after he’d already spoken. Not that he needed to; Sokka was absolutely on the same page and regardless, it wasn’t <em>his </em>palace. “You’re more than welcome here whenever. All of you. This palace is way too big for just me so whenever you want to come and go, it’s fine. There’s always a place for you here.”</p><p>“Good, because I was going to stay either way.” Toph grinned, crossing her arms as she started to turn around. “Just wanted to run that by you while I was thinking about it. You two twinks can get back to your boning now. I’ll make sure no one interrupts you.”</p><p>“Toph, wait.” It was Sokka himself who called to her, his tone serious despite her ridiculous jokes. “Did you say my dad and Katara were talking about leaving? Did they say when, or…?”</p><p>“Yeah, your dad said sometime this week, probably, because he got some letter from some guy in your tribe. I think Katara wanted to stay with you until you’re ready, though. Nothing was set in stone, they were just kind of chatting about it at the breakfast table. Chief Hakoda really wanted to make sure you two were both okay before he went home, though, so you should probably talk to him sometime and let him know what’s going on.”</p><p>“Okay, yeah.” He nodded, throwing the blankets off his lap as he looked over to Zuko. “I think I’m going to go do that right now. Is that okay?”</p><p>“You don’t need my permission,” said Zuko, “but yes, that’s okay. I’m going to finish working on these letters and then probably go grab something to eat before my meeting. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”</p><p>Truth was, it was the first time Zuko had been the one to suggest eating since before his breakdown. “Nothing. No reason. I’ll see you at lunch, okay?”</p><p>For once, Toph didn’t joke about it when they shared a quick kiss, Sokka hopping off the bed and grabbing a shirt before following his other friend to wherever his dad and sister were hanging out. Them, Iroh, Suki, and Ty Lee were all sitting in the courtyard, spread out on a blanket with some breakfast around them. After greeting him, Katara quickly assured Sokka that they were planning to ask him and Zuko to come outside with them but didn’t want to wake them up. Sokka shrugged it off, honestly preferring to stay in bed with his boyfriend later rather than getting up early for a spontaneous picnic. It took him a minute to get his dad and sister on their own—Hakoda was deep in discussion about something adult-y with Iroh, and Katara got distracted by Suki while Sokka was trying to get his attention—but he eventually did, and they stepped a few feet away so he could have the chance to talk to them on his own. To figure out the plans for the thing that scared him more than anything else in the world.</p><p>“Sorry I interrupted you,” he started, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “Toph just told us that you were talking about leaving soon, and I guess I just wanted to know what was going on with that. I mean, I knew we were going to leave, but we haven’t really talked about when or anything, so…”</p><p>“Dad has to go back to the tribe later this week,” said Katara, cutting right to the chase. He loved that about her as much as he hated it, and it took everything in his power to keep his gaze from dropping in disappointment. “He got a letter from Bato and there’s some things that have to be taken care of, so we talked and decided it’s time for him to go home. I haven’t decided whether I’m leaving yet, though. I’ve been helping a lot with the affairs regarding the Northern Water Tribe, you know, and I think I want to stick around a little longer to see the trades go through. And to make sure that you’re okay.”</p><p>“I am okay,” Sokka assured her quickly, a natural smile sliding up his lips. “I know I’ve been up and down since you got here but I think— I think I’m finally on a path that’s just going up. I feel productive and important and loved and honestly, even though I’m really scared to be changing my life so much, I’m really excited for it too. As long as you promise not to knock down my igloo when I’m not there, because I swear to the spirits, if I need a depression nap, I’m sailing right out there for my cave.”</p><p>“Hey!” Though his word was a little sharp, Hakoda was clearly nothing but happy in a bittersweet sort of way, a small grin on his own face as he looked to his son. “I thought the point of all this therapy was so that you <em>wouldn’t </em>need to take any more depression naps.”</p><p>“Okay, okay, you’re right. But that doesn’t mean I’m not ever going to get sad or homesick when I’m here and honestly, it’s just a cozy place to work. You know, the one—okay, one of <em>many—</em>problems with this nation is that it is <em>way </em>too hot. Zuko sleeps in pants and a long shirt with like twelve blankets on top of him and honestly, I’m pretty sure one of these mornings I’m just not going to wake up. I’ll have melted into the covers, just gone. Just a big glob of Sokka gloop.” He gave them a moment to chuckle at his stupid comment before his smile turned a little sadder, his words moving to the serious part of the conversation. “Thank you for being here for me. I really didn’t mean to run away when I did, things just got out of hand and then I buried myself in work and then I fell in love and— I’m just really glad things turned out the way they did. I know I did some bad shit these last few months, but I think I’m past it. I mean, honestly, I still have some pretty bad thoughts sometimes, but I think— I think I can get past it. I think I’m doing a lot better already.”</p><p>“I know you are. And I know that whatever happens, whatever you do here or back home at the tribe or anywhere else in the world, you’re going to be incredible at it.” Hakoda wrapped an arm around both of his kids, pulling them in close to him as they each reached around to hold him back. “I’m going to miss you both so much. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand how I got so lucky to have such incredible children.”</p><p>When they slid apart a long moment later, Katara wiped at her eyes and Sokka just smiled sadly. He didn’t have to say that he was going to miss his dad too, but he did. It wasn’t the same as the first time he left, not at all, yet a little part of his brain felt like that same child being separated from his family again. Like <em>he </em>was the one abandoning them, even if he was only leaving part-time. In all his dreams, Sokka never thought he would end up staying in the Fire Nation of all places, but he meant what he said to Zuko on the night they finally got together. After far too long, he’d taken a look at what he wanted out of life, realized it wasn’t what he thought it was, and rebuilt it around what he knew he needed. Rebuilt it around his passion, his preferences, his <em>love</em>. Everything he wanted was there in the Fire Nation—aside from his people, his life, and a significantly cooler climate—and he had to acknowledge that. He had to accept that being there from time to time <em>would </em>make him happy. That he was in love with the Fire Lord and he wanted to see him as much as he could.</p><p>“Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” The question came almost immediately after he walked back over to the picnic, and Sokka could only nod. He couldn’t give his dad and sister a moment and then deny the same to Suki. He took her hand as she led him a few feet away from the others, giving him a small smile. “Since you were talking about people leaving, I thought I should probably tell you that Ty Lee and I have decided to go back to Kyoshi Island in a few days. We want to make sure that everything we’ve been helping out with gets taken care of and handed off to the right people, but then we need to get back to the other Warriors. I just thought you might want to know what the plans are.”</p><p>“Yeah, of course. Thanks for telling me, Suki.” Truthfully, Sokka was a little sad to hear that she would be leaving, but he knew that was coming too. “Hey, while I have you here, I just wanted to say thank you. For everything. You were so amazing with all of my mental health shit and even when I was being a dumbass and hiding out from the world, you didn’t get mad at me, and now that we’re both in new relationships, it’s not even awkward and just… thank you for being so great. I know I was lying a lot at the beginning when I was too scared to deal with this stuff, but I really don’t think I could have gotten through this without you.”</p><p>“No problem, Sokka. Thank <em>you </em>for being so amazing too. I didn’t know how you were going to react when I told you I wanted to break up, or even when I came out. But bisexual solidarity, huh?” She nudged his elbow, and he couldn’t help but smile. “I’m really glad you’re happy.”</p><p>“I’m really glad you’re happy too.”</p><p>He held his arms out for an embrace before they went back over to the others, and it was one of the nicest he’d ever received. After everything that happened, all the shit he’d pulled and the way their relationship had drifted apart after being so madly in love, they were still friends. They were still the best friends the world could know and there was nothing that would ever change that. Suki planted a quick, friendly kiss on Sokka’s cheek after they pulled away, and he found himself smiling the same way he used to. Even if they weren’t together in that way anymore, even if he didn’t love her in that way anymore, he would never stop caring about her as deeply as he always had. He smiled to her as they walked back over to the picnic; biting down on his thumbnail when he stopped walking at the edge of the blanket. He didn’t know how much longer they had before they all started to split again, or how long he’d have to wait until they all reunited, but it didn’t matter. He was happy. They were happy. After a hundred years of war, several cruel months of ending it, and three long years of depression, Sokka was <em>finally</em> starting to feel okay.</p><p>But the tears were beginning to roll down his cheeks for absolutely no good reason so he excused himself for a minute and scampered into the hallway as fast as he could on one foot, just in time to find Zuko walking towards him. His boyfriend looked seriously concerned, hurrying over to wrap his arms around Sokka. Though he felt a little silly crying when he wasn’t even sad, Sokka didn’t stop the rest of the tears from escaping his eyes as he returned Zuko’s embrace. Even if he was endlessly overheating in that ridiculously hot nation, Sokka loved the way his boyfriend felt, and he never wanted to pull away. Zuko must’ve sensed how clingy he was feeling because he didn’t move when he spoke, just holding his boyfriend where he was.</p><p>“Are you okay?” he asked quietly.</p><p>Sokka hesitated. The last few years had been rough. His entire <em>life </em>had been rough. He went through trauma, depression, too much heartbreak to bear, and yet he was still standing there. He was still standing there, and all his friends were there beside him. Though there were still a lot of things that needed patching, a lot of kinks that needed to be worked out before he could truly say that everything was perfect, he knew that it was good. Zuko was good, his friends were good, <em>he </em>was good. Sokka pulled away slightly to meet Zuko’s beautiful eyes before he nodded, more certain of his answer than he’d ever been before.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said, closing his eyes as sank into Zuko’s arms. “Yeah, I really am.”</p><p>And finally, after so many years of having to lie, it was true.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0077"><h2>77. Chapter Seventy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Just one more pin, Fire Lord Zuko. It’s very windy out today!”</p><p>Of all the things Zuko imagined happening to him on the day of his first public appearance since the breakdown, his boyfriend and his uncle tag-teaming his hair was not near the top of the list. In fact, it was not even on the list. It was so far down in the depths of godforsaken concepts that he hadn’t even thought to consider it until Sokka was doing some shit with his hair while Iroh handed him too many pins for comfort. After a certain point, Zuko found himself convinced that they would have to cut the bizarre topknot out of his head, as he doubted there was any other way to get the pins out. Unfortunately, he loved both his boyfriend and his uncle too much to say anything and let them do to his hair whatever they pleased. Unless it was absolutely horrendous, he would wear the look proudly as he presented himself in front of the nation. It didn’t matter what he looked like as long as the people knew he wasn’t dead—a rumor he’d been less than pleased to hear about.</p><p>“All right, just one more right here to keep it nice and pretty…” Sokka was taking his job as a hairdresser far too seriously. After waking up to the guy playing with his hair far too many times while he was recovering from his coma, Zuko had realized that Sokka seriously loved it, but still. He was acting like doing Zuko’s hair was as special or important as dealing with the affairs of the nation, or even the entire world. It was actually kind of cute, he decided. “…and there! Perfect! See? I told you I could do something fancy for your big day.”</p><p>Finally, Sokka held out a hand mirror for Zuko to use, which he snatched up quickly. He peered all around his head, his jaw dropping slightly as he tried to get a better look at the back of his head. After far too long sitting in that chair and thinking they were royally destroying his hair, Zuko was shocked to find that it actually looked nothing short of gorgeous. It wasn’t quite a topknot, but a braided pattern which sat near the top of his head in a similar fashion. Whether his hairpiece would fit into it was debatable and he couldn’t help but say something about it, though Iroh was quick to whip out the crown and Sokka to fasten it in his braids. That made the whole look even shinier and he couldn’t stop himself from feeling around the style before placing the mirror down on the table in front of him, turning around to look at his boyfriend who seemed almost terrified to know what he was going to say.</p><p>“It’s almost as pretty as you,” were the words that came out of his mouth, though they weren’t quite what he intended. In fact, he’d yet to intentionally call Sokka ‘pretty’ despite thoroughly believing it, as his mouth just seemed to run without him whenever that thought came into his mind. Slightly embarrassed by what he said, Zuko turned his head to hide his blush, waving a hand dismissively. “Okay, go get all your shit together. I’ll meet you out front before the presentation starts, all right?”</p><p>“Okay, okay.” Sokka tilted around the side of Zuko’s head, giving him a quick kiss before he pulled away. “You better not bring any turtles with you this time!”</p><p>“That was <em>one time</em>. Leave me alone.” Despite what he said, Zuko was smiling, knowing that his boyfriend was just messing with him. Yes, he’d fallen asleep in front of the turtle duck pond once. <em>Two weeks ago</em>. Yes, he had a turtle duck latched onto his arm when he showed up at the planning room. It wasn’t <em>that </em>embarrassing, and probably not as cute as Sokka claimed it was either. “What are you looking at?”</p><p>His Uncle Iroh only shrugged and gave him a smile as he turned around to refill both their cups of tea. Zuko hadn’t even tried to resist his breakfast that morning, and though he was still only slowly regaining his appetite, he was doing a much better job at eating when he needed to. He was also nearly back on a regular sleep schedule, something he found to be much easier to maintain with a particular person at his side while he slept. Though he didn’t want to admit to it, he’d always had trouble sleeping because of his trauma and his blind spot, and having Sokka sleep to his left made him feel a lot more comfortable and secure. Plus, he’d discovered that he really, really liked snuggles and as much as he enjoyed clinging to his stuffed turtle duck after a long day, there was nothing better than lying down at Sokka’s side or sitting on his lap while he finished the last of what he was working on before bed and Zuko babbled on about his day (as it turned out, the best part about his boyfriend having an overactive mind was that he was <em>incredible </em>at multitasking).</p><p>Though he sometimes still struggled with feelings of internalized homophobia, Zuko was getting better at handling it and didn’t feel like it was as bad as it once was. When he first took Mai up on her offer to talk about it, she tried to reassure him by reminding him that his father was an abuser and everything he said was wrong, but Zuko let her know quickly that he was aware of that. He’d fully accepted that fact by the day of the eclipse, he just wasn’t past the feelings which were already deeply ingrained in him. The problem wasn’t with anyone else, it was just himself and working through all the things he knew were wrong but couldn’t stop himself from thinking about. Discussing those issues, whether that be with Mai, Sokka, Iroh, or his therapist, helped, however, and he knew he was slowly getting better. But it was still hard. There were still days when he felt terrible about himself and his progress and he wished he could just stay in bed forever, but he didn’t. He pushed himself to do his best, wanting to improve as much as he could. Still, going out in front of the people for the first time since his breakdown was terrifying, and the moment he stood up, he found himself looking to his uncle for reassurance.</p><p>“Is everything all right, Fire Lord Zuko?” asked Iroh, lowering his tea.</p><p>“Yeah, I think so.” Zuko nodded quickly, not wanting to worry his uncle when he was truly doing better than he had been for the last several months. “I’m just a little anxious, I guess. I haven’t spoken to the people since the day the press was all up in my face asking about those rumors. I don’t know how they’re going to react to seeing me. I mean, I don’t know if they’re going to be upset or angry or something.”</p><p>“Your people love you.” His tone was so soft, so genuine, that Zuko couldn’t stop himself from smiling as he looked up from his feet, biting down on the corner of his lip. “In just three years, you have enacted more positive change than this nation has seen in one hundred years. Yes, you went through a lot of hardship these last few months, but your people will understand. They will support you no matter what because you are the leader they need. They believe in you, my nephew. We all do. Myself, your friends—I know this is scary, but you will do so well. I know you will.”</p><p>“I— thank you.” Before another word left his mouth, Zuko stepped forward and pulled Iroh into an embrace. His uncle returned the gesture immediately, in that same comforting way he’d always loved so much. “Thank you for everything, Uncle. I don’t think I could have gotten through all this without you, and when you go back to Ba Sing Se, I’m— I’m going to be honest. In my letters. I’m never going to lie to you again. Thank you.”</p><p>Though it seemed like Iroh should have said something about his leaving, to surprise him and say he was going back in a week like Hakoda, Suki, and Ty Lee had done to him and Sokka before, but he didn’t. He must’ve decided it wasn’t really the right moment to be discussing that bittersweet fact because he just held onto his nephew a little tighter, giving him all the support he could ever need without one word. They held each other for a few more seconds before Iroh pointed out that Zuko needed to be meeting with his people, to which Zuko semi-jokingly pointed out that Iroh could not join him in public until he put on shoes. They agreed to meet up again before Zuko made his speech and then went their separate ways down the hall. It was peaceful, the few moments Zuko had as he walked down the hall on his own, but he didn’t have much of a chance to comment on it before he was interrupted again.</p><p>Azula was turning down from another hall, dressed in her most royal wear. She didn’t notice her brother at first but stopped when she saw him, a smirk on her face as she crossed her arms. Zuko wasn’t sure exactly what she was looking at until her eyes drifted upward, at which point he realized she was probably looking at the way his hair was styled. He only rolled his eyes at her, not wanting to make a big deal out of the situation though he knew it wasn’t exactly traditional. Thankfully, Azula didn’t appear to want to talk about it too much either, as she turned the conversation straight to the more relevant point the moment she opened her mouth.</p><p>“Ready for your big speech, little brother?” she asked, giving him a look. In response, he glared at her, trying to decide which of her nicknames was the absolute worst. “I have to admit, I didn’t work too hard on mine, but I trust the people who wrote it for me, so I’m not too concerned. You <em>are </em>still going to let me do my speech, right? You’re not taking back the whole throne for yourself?”</p><p>“No, you deserve the credit for what you’ve done these last few months.” Zuko hesitated before he went on, not quite sure how to say the words he was thinking. In all his life, he’d never really thanked or complimented his sister before, and even just the idea of doing that was mind boggling. Still, he wanted to do it, and took a deep breath as he began. “Speaking of, I’ve been meaning to say thank you. For everything. You didn’t have to step up to the throne the way you did—okay, you were <em>slightly </em>legally obligated, but—and I’m really grateful. You were a little bit bound by law, but you didn’t have to keep including me in decisions and it means a lot that you did. Even if your passive-aggressive notes on the education reform <em>did </em>get a little old by the end.”</p><p>“‘The end’? Please, Zuzu, you really think I’m going to quit trying to stop you from subjecting countless children to torture just because you’re no longer bound to your bed? Oh, stop giving me that look, you know as well as I that the arts have no place in the core curriculum. <em>If </em>children choose to learn them, that’s fine, but you shouldn’t be forcing them to do it. And don’t give me that shit about ‘if they don’t try it, they’ll never know’, because— oh.”</p><p>Azula snapped her mouth shut, her entire body stiffening when Zuko pulled her in for his second spontaneous hug of the day. She clearly was not used to the affection and returned the gesture with awkward arms and a gentle pat on her brother’s back, though she loosened up after a few seconds; at least somewhat more comfortable before they pulled apart. She gave him a look, not quite sure how to respond, and Zuko nudged her shoulder. Suddenly, he didn’t really know what to say either, he was just glad that everything worked out. That after <em>years </em>of battling each other, they managed to become friends. Not just friends, but siblings. Real, actual siblings who were there for each other in their own strange, sometimes twisted ways (his personal favorite bonding activity were their occasional, unprompted Ozai roasts). It wasn’t perfect for everyone, but it was perfect for them.</p><p>“Sorry, we should be getting over there,” said Zuko awkwardly. “I think Aang will be getting back from the Earth Kingdom right about now, I should go see if I can find him. I’ll talk to you later, all right? Before our speeches or after or in between, I don’t know. This day is going to be a mess. But seriously, thank you. This nation would have fallen apart if you weren’t here to pick up the pieces after I—”</p><p>“I get it. You finally recognize how amazing I am.” Her tone was mostly joking, but Zuko knew she still had some of her old arrogance and confidence from before the Agni Kai. “Don’t worry about finding me, I’ve got Mai and Ty Lee for support. I’ll catch up with you tonight. And Zuko? I know it doesn’t seem like it because you were out of it half the time, but you did more than you think. I might have been the one talking to everyone, but you called all the big shots. Thanks.”</p><p>She didn’t give him a chance to respond before she spun and turned away, her shoes clacking down the hall as she disappeared around another corridor. Zuko smiled to himself as he watched her go, proud of how far they’d come since they were children. Once upon a time, they were fighting in front of the turtle duck pond, and now they were running a literal nation. In all the ways he thought their lives could have changed as they grew up, he had to admit that wasn’t on the list. Sure, one of them was destined to take the throne eventually, but he never thought it would be them both and yet, there they were. Working together to run the nation and supporting each other in a way he never thought they could. He kept his smile as he walked through the rest of the halls to get to his destination, holding up a hand to wave when he came across Aang.</p><p>Though he wasn’t technically asked to make an appearance—at least, not in <em>that </em>way—Aang was dressed professionally, aside from the sentient scarf around his neck. Momo chirped and titled his head when he saw Zuko, staring at him for a minute before he flew over to say hi. Zuko held out an arm for him to sit on, gently patting his head as he looked back to Aang whose heart appeared to be melting. Yeah, Zuko was a dick when they met and he was still a dick in a lot of ways, but he had a thing for animals, okay? Luckily for him, even though he was making faces, Aang didn’t actually say anything about the way the Fire Lord interacted with the lemur and moved right into business. He grinned before stepping in for a quick, friendly hug, giving Zuko that last bit of reassurance he needed to make it through the day. Aang had only been gone for two weeks, but he held his friend like they hadn’t seen each other in years.</p><p>“Big day,” he said cheerfully, pulling away from Zuko. “How are you feeling?”</p><p>“I think I’m okay.” Zuko nodded slowly, not quite sure whether he should elaborate. After remembering who he was talking to, and processing the kind look on Aang’s face, he decided to proceed. “I mean, honestly, I’m pretty anxious. I’ve spent most of the morning shaking. But I think it’s going to be okay. I’m going to be transparent with the people—at least, <em>mostly </em>transparent, there’s some stuff we decided not to share—and I just hope they’ll understand what happened.”</p><p>“They will, I know it. Everything is going to work out, Zuko. The people really love you. Believe me, I’ve been to every island in the Fire Nation multiple times in the last three years. You’re doing great. I’ll admit I’ve met a few people who didn’t like you, but they were so quickly shut down by others who did. Whatever happens, the world is so much better off with you as the Fire Lord.”</p><p>“Thank you for saying that, Aang. And for everything else you’ve said since you got here. I— I was struggling a lot before, with my sexuality and everything, and I just want you to know that if it wasn’t for you, I really don’t think Sokka and I ever would’ve gotten together. Everything you told me just meant so much and it changed my perspective on a lot of things I’d been taught since I was a child and… thank you. For being my friend.”</p><p>Aang responded with another hug but didn’t get the chance to say more words before one of Zuko’s advisors—a new woman, whom Azula had hired during his bedrest and was <em>much </em>nicer and better to work with than that asshole he’d fired earlier in the year—came to collect him for the speech. It wasn’t quite time for him to actually get up and say anything yet, as Azula would be making her speech first and introducing the concepts of what had been happening behind the scenes. The people were informed of small details, such as the fact that their Fire Lord would not be making public appearances until further notice (“further notice” officially meaning now), but they didn’t know much of what happened and were only going to be truly told of it that day. Zuko was advised not to reveal the full extent of what happened for fear of enemies exposing and exploiting his weak points, but he intended to be honest about falling ill. Of course, it wasn’t going to be <em>too </em>hard to confess to that, considering he was already shaking like shit and Azula wasn’t even finished yet.</p><p>His heart raced the entire time he stood there, waiting to step out through the curtains and make his appearance. When Azula finally reached the end of her speech and introduced her brother to the audience, Zuko strode out on stage. He knew he was stiff, his entire body shaking where it wasn’t frozen in fear, and he barely found himself able to accept Azula’s friendly shoulder squeeze or Sokka and his friends’ reassuring glances from the front of the crowd as he stepped into place. Speeches were no big deal. Public speaking was no big deal. But telling an entire nation that he vanished for <em>months </em>not just because he forgot how to take care of himself, but because he had what was apparently a very serious anxiety disorder? Zuko wanted to throw up, but he stood his ground. He took a long, deep breath, staring out at the crowd as he introduced himself for the first time in months, then began to speak.</p><p>It would be a lie to say he wasn’t shocked when the crowd cheered for him. The more he revealed, the more he expected them to boo, but they didn’t. Nobody criticized him when he confessed to his disabilities as part of an explanation for what happened during his last public appearance, nor the follow-up in which he told them that he had a lifelong struggle with anxiety. In fact, people cheered <em>louder </em>as if they related to him, as if they saw him as more human than he thought. Maybe it wasn’t just the council who gave him grace for his age and his traumas; maybe the people appreciated him for his ideas regardless too. That thought propelled him through the rest of his speech, giving him enough confidence to even address and joke about his subtly shaking hands. Though he didn’t discuss his breakdown, coma, self-harm, or any of the things that felt more significant and private, he felt a lot better after addressing his anxiety and disabilities. There was no guarantee the people would remember and respect his boundaries when he interacted with them in the future, but he hoped they would at least try.</p><p>After his speech, Zuko took questions from the audience, though he made the decision to stay at the front rather than interacting with them up close. Of course, one of the reporters questioned him about that and he was forced to respond that he wasn’t comfortable standing in the crowd at that time, but he hoped he could get himself back to that point sometime soon. While he couldn’t help but notice a few people who seemed to dislike his answer, most were kind about it and respected his distance as he stayed upon the platform rather than talking to them face-to-face. He answered so many questions he couldn’t even keep track of his own words anymore, smiling intermittently as people said friendly things to him, and eventually, the well ran dry and Zuko stepped away from the crowd, thanking them for their support during his hard times. As soon as he stepped out from the curtain, he was met by Azula who gave him a small, reassuring grin before she turned away and left him to catch up with his friends.</p><p>Of course, it was Toph’s idea to gather in the courtyard to hang out after the event, as she <em>greatly </em>preferred sitting around in the grass and dirt to the palace, but Zuko didn’t mind. He liked spending time out in the sun too, especially in that little spot by the turtle duck pond, though that wasn’t where they gathered that day. They were hanging out in a big open space with Appa, everyone together for what would probably be the last time for a while. Him, Sokka, Suki, Aang, Toph, Katara, Mai, Ty Lee, Iroh, Hakoda, even Azula after she made a quick change of clothes—all Zuko’s favorite people in the world gathered together in one place. All there to support him and his amazing boyfriend and spend time with each other. Though they started their lunch by talking about how well Zuko did with his speech, it quickly devolved into joking about his apparent “limp wrist” gestures, which devolved into joking about <em>everyone’s </em>distinctive gestures, and it just went from there. It was stupid and ridiculous, but he smiled more than he had in ages.</p><p>Zuko didn’t know how much time passed, but after enough talking and laughing and messing around, he felt like he’d hit his limit and excused himself. Though he didn’t particularly <em>want </em>to leave his friends and fully intended to return within a few minutes, he was trying hard to do better by himself, and wanted to recognize and respect when his mind and body needed a break. He didn’t even wander far, just around a few walls to the turtle duck pond, where he kicked his shoes off and dipped his toes into the water; leaning back onto the grass as he closed his eyes. Being Fire Lord was tiring, and being around people was tiring, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world. He wouldn’t trade his friends or his family or his nation and he hoped beyond anything that from there on out, life would be good. Everything was an uphill road now and even if they hit some bumps, it would be okay. He knew it would.</p><p>Despite the fact that he’d wandered off to get a few minutes alone, Zuko couldn’t help but smile when Sokka laid down beside him and laced their fingers together. He didn’t say anything, just resting beside him and snuggling a little closer when Zuko moved to lean his head into his boyfriend’s shoulder. Of all the things he’d never expected to happen—having a stable relationship with Azula, nearly losing and regaining the throne, accepting that he was into men at all—that was the most surprising. The first time he met Sokka, Zuko clocked him in the face, and then Sokka went around and did quite a similar thing to the back of his head. And even though they’d become friends after Zuko finally came to his senses and realized that he wasn’t a loser, he was fucking abused his whole life, he never considered it becoming anything more. In fact, he never even intended it to be <em>friendship</em> so much as them working as allies to take down his father. But they became friends anyway, and then, somehow, after Sokka came to visit him—because <em>he missed him </em>of all reasons—something clicked.</p><p>It took him a while to realize why he felt so fluttery around Sokka but the first time he thought the boy was pretty, he knew. He didn’t like it, but he knew. And then Sokka called <em>him </em>pretty and told him he was the cutest human being alive and everything spiraled further. Sokka’s jokes weren’t stupid, they were the goofiest, most charming things he ever heard. His hair wasn’t ridiculous, it was absolutely gorgeous regardless of whether it was up or down. His eyes glistened and his smile was mesmerizing, his lips so soft that when Zuko was blessed enough to kiss them, he never wanted to pull away. It took him too long to say it, too long to admit that what he was feeling was real and okay and what he wanted more than anything else in the world, but it was true. He loved Sokka. The Fire Lord was in love with a man and though it still scared him deep down, he didn’t care so much anymore. Because he was in love. Zuko opened his eyes and gave Sokka’s hand a little squeeze, cut off by a surprise feeling before he could say anything.</p><p>Though Sokka was the one who wrapped an arm around him and smiled as the Fire Lord began to giggle uncontrollably, it was the work of a baby turtle duck nibbling on his toes that caused the situation. He glanced over at Sokka before leaning forward to nudge the critter away, softly stroking the top of its head and giving a small pat to its mama when she came to defend her children. Zuko left his feet in the water despite how badly the giggles had struck him after the tickle attack, too in love with the turtle ducks to notice. He played with the creatures for a few minutes, until he glanced over to Sokka and realized that while he may have been a little too in love with the turtle ducks, his boyfriend was a little too in love with<em> him</em>. Finally, Zuko tore his attention away from the pond, biting down on the corner of his lip as a small smile crept up it.</p><p>“What are you looking at?” he asked playfully.</p><p>“Oh, not much.” Sokka’s smile deepened as he turned to face Zuko, unlacing their fingers as he placed a hand on either side of his hips, pulling the Fire Lord in closer to him despite his dripping wet feet. He hesitated before he went on, the look in his eyes full of happiness as he spoke. “I was just admiring the view. You know, there’s this guy I met who really likes turtle ducks, and I think he might just be the prettiest person in the entire world.”</p><p>“Not possible,” said Zuko, inching ever closer to his boyfriend as the blush intensified on his cheeks. “I’m looking at him right now.”</p><p>Sokka leaned forward to close the rest of the distance between them, their lips locking together gently as Zuko placed his hands on his boyfriend’s knees and Sokka squeezed gently around his torso. Though he’d been transparent with as much information as he felt safe and comfortable divulging, Zuko decided to keep his relationship a secret from the public for the time being. He talked to Sokka about it, wanting him to understand why and confirming he’d made the right decision, and they agreed that he did. Someday, Zuko would tell the rest of the Fire Nation that he had the best boyfriend in the world, but he wanted to keep that to himself for a while. It was still new, still special, and as it didn’t exactly affect the affairs of the nation, he felt it was something he preferred to keep private. There was no reason for anyone to be trying to catch a glimpse of their special moments, the ones just like that tender kiss in the courtyard; no one around to see the way Zuko’s cheeks flushed pink and a smile sneaked its way up his cheeks when Sokka’s tongue did the <em>thing. </em>No one around to see the way Zuko gripped onto the front of Sokka’s shirt, begging him to never leave his side.</p><p>They went through a lot of shit. Their childhoods were both rough in their own ways, intersecting when Aang escaped the iceberg and they started their journey towards ending the war. Through therapy they’d learned that Sokka had a lifelong history of self-destructive and depressive tendencies, while Zuko experienced similar symptoms due to anxiety and his abuse. They were haunted by so many demons in their pasts, so much trauma they’d had to endure, but it was over. All they had to do now was try their best, be more open about what they were feeling, and above all else, be together. Sokka didn’t let go of Zuko’s hips for a second, though Zuko’s own hands kept bouncing around from Sokka’s knees to his shirt to his hair; their gentle kiss deepening with a feeling he could only describe as love. They were okay. After everything that happened, all that they’d been through, they were okay. And he knew in his heart, that as long as they stayed together, they’d never suffer again.</p><p>It was Sokka who pulled away first, an odd smirk on his face as he turned to look at the corridor to Zuko’s left. At first, Zuko thought their friends were standing there watching them, but in fact, it was just some random sailor. He recognized the man as running ships for the nobles, and expected he was there to finalize plans for Suki and Ty Lee’s trip home or something but didn’t know why exactly Sokka was looking to him with that mischievous little grin, nor why he said the words he did.</p><p>“I told you I was friends with the Fire Lord,” he called out smugly, before pulling Zuko back in for the best kiss of his life.</p>
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<a name="section0078"><h2>78. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Though Sokka and Zuko both assured everyone they were fine, their friends came back to check on them often.</p><p>Sokka did a lot better with the therapy than Zuko did, but he still struggled a lot, especially towards the beginning. It wasn’t easy, opening up about things that he’d been hiding for years, but one by one, the layers came off. He talked about everything from his mother’s death to the most traumatizing moments of his travels to the depression he fell into after the war, and slowly, he started to feel better. Sokka had never really talked to anyone about his mother’s murder before, and after that revelation, he ended up crying to Katara for a while as he finally opened up to her about it in a way he never had. She stayed by his side for a while after that, just to make sure he was okay, and he was. Talking about the way he and his friends had almost died countless times wasn’t easy, but he got through it. He told his therapist about the worst of his nightmares and what triggered them, eventually finding the courage to explain how he’d broken his leg in the first place and the way that affected his trauma, depression, and eventually, self-harm.</p><p>Aside from nearly losing Suki, Toph, and himself, the self-harm was the most difficult thing for him to talk about. He felt guilty and ashamed whenever he brought it up at first, but the more he did it, the more he was able to understand that it was okay. Yes, he’d almost cracked when he had his breakdown and even scratched himself, but he learned that it didn’t matter. His therapist taught him to focus on the positives; that he <em>didn’t </em>go through with it, despite wanting to, and that he was three years clean at that point, reliably confiding in someone when he felt the urge to do it. Which he still did, sometimes, though it was rare and only happened when he royally fucked-up something he was working on or had a particularly bad nightmare. Sokka still found it difficult to talk about outside the comfort of his private therapy sessions, but he did the best he could. He tried to avoid talking to Zuko about it for a while, though eventually he cracked on a very bad day and finally, his boyfriend talked some sense into him and told him it was okay. And for once, he believed it. He went to Zuko first after that.</p><p>Zuko wasn’t a fan of the therapy for obvious reasons, and often used work as an excuse to get out of it. His friends wanted to get him to stop doing that, Mai and Azula in particular dragging him to his sessions on occasion, but it was impossible to know when Zuko really <em>did </em>have work and when he just didn’t want to go, which made it harder. After a while, they ended up sitting him down as an almost intervention, Sokka holding his hand reassuringly while the girls told him off for trying to get out of the therapy. It didn’t quite go to plan, and Zuko cried a lot when they were finally able to get him to confess to the reasons he didn’t want to go, but that was the kick he needed. His therapist let someone sit in on the sessions for a couple weeks (usually Mai or Sokka when he was there), like Iroh had done for him at the beginning, and though it took far longer than he would’ve preferred, eventually, Zuko was able to attend the sessions on his own. He still freaked out sometimes and had to cut the sessions short when he found himself becoming too overwhelmed, but his therapist was understanding and never judged him for calling it quits early after a particularly traumatizing subject was brought up. Zuko went with Sokka to visit the tribe often too and found that his Gran Gran’s friend was by <em>far </em>the best person for a deep therapy session.</p><p>There was a lot of stuff that Sokka didn’t know about Zuko, and he continuously forgot what that stuff was until he mentioned it in passing and Sokka’s face dropped. A lot of those things happened when he was recounting what happened in therapy, explaining why he was upset afterward, and he ended up opening up about a lot more than he ever intended. About how his father abused him, how his therapist abused him (<em>that </em>revelation made Sokka feel awful for joking about his lisp, but Zuko assured him it was okay by staying up late and giving him extra sleepy lisp babbles because he knew his boyfriend loved it), how his lifelong anxiety affected him, how the <em>war </em>affected him, and all the little shit in between. Sokka told him a lot about his own problems, the way he’d apparently been dealing with depressive tendencies since the raid, and how his neurodivergence affected him in different ways. He was getting much better about accepting it, though, and Zuko liked that. It meant he had more chances to sit on his boyfriend’s lap and ramble while he worked on different things.</p><p>Sokka might have been doing better on the mental side of things, but in terms of physical health, it took him a while to get comfortable with his routine visits to see the healers. They concluded after a lengthy visit and several tests that he’d almost definitely sustained some form of bone damage from his injury on the day of the comet, but there wasn’t much he could do about it aside from the physical therapy, so he declined an offer to dig deeper to find out what exactly it was. The risk of harsher treatment was too scary, and he didn’t want to lose his leg just on a chance. Besides, Zuko and Katara were both willing to spar with him literally any time he wanted, on the agreement they went slow while he built up the strength in his leg, and he wasn’t about to give <em>that </em>up. Especially not when Zuko got comfortable enough with his fading scars to take his shirt off while they were training, which often made his brain flat out short circuit. Not that Sokka minded—he knew that if he wanted to get revenge, all he had to do was “accidentally” pull out his hair tie, and he’d have Zuko pinned down in a second. Although, that wasn’t really a loss for either of them.</p><p>Although his family was always back at the Southern Water Tribe, Sokka wrote a lot of letters to them (and Suki) to keep them up to date on what was happening whenever he visited the Fire Nation. He brought Zuko home with him as often as he could, but the Fire Lord was really busy, and also did <em>not </em>do well with the cold; though Sokka argued that he hated the <em>heat</em> too and sometimes just forced him there in several layers of clothing. It was in the Fire Nation when he got the scariest news. During a simple checkup, Shin found that Sokka’s irregular heartbeat had returned after three months, and though she assured him it was nothing to worry about considering it had been an intermittent issue from the start, he had an anxiety attack in the hallway while Zuko was busy in a meeting. Thankfully, Toph was there for him, and helped him relax with calming words and classic Toph comments (if he recalled correctly, it was a comment about boning that got him to laugh and snap out of the worst mindset). After that, he went back to his room and clung to Zuko’s stuffed turtle duck until his boyfriend himself returned, at which point he clung to the Fire Lord instead. He didn’t know at what point the snuggles became his coping mechanism, but it felt a lot better than cutting his arms or repressing until he couldn’t feel anymore.</p><p>Zuko’s physical health was significantly improving, on the other hand, and that was part of the reason his mental health was on the uptake. It took a few months before they reached a point where Shin was able to say he was no longer underweight, but they made it there, and they did it by getting him back on a regular schedule. It was hard on Sokka whenever he first arrived for a visit, getting up at the same time as him, and sleeping at the same time as him (except for when Zuko fell asleep on his lap; he tended to stay up much later those nights), and making sure he always ate, but Zuko was so, <em>so </em>grateful for his help that he did everything he could to pay him back. Sokka would tell him he was already doing enough by helping him with the physical therapy, though Zuko declared he was <em>not </em>doing enough and steal a lengthy kiss because he wanted it as much as he hoped Sokka did. Which he always did, of course, and at a certain point, they were almost forced to go public with their relationship just because Sokka had a <em>little </em>habit of playing into Zuko’s favorites which sometimes, very often, resulted in a lasting hickey on his neck. Neither cared.</p><p>Despite how busy he was with all his duties, Zuko resumed writing letters to his uncle whenever he felt the urge. With Sokka, Mai, Toph, and even Azula around to talk to, he didn’t feel the need to write them as often as he once did, but he still sent at least one or two a week, and sometimes even four or five on particularly eventful weeks where shit just kept happening. Iroh visited him often, and once, Azula surprised him by stealing all his meetings and sending him away to Ba Sing Se for a week. He brought Sokka with him and was forced to suffer through <em>far </em>too much shopping with his boyfriend and his uncle, but it didn’t matter because they were happy. All of them were finally fucking happy and he didn’t want to ruin that. Until they’d bought so much stuff they couldn’t carry it anymore, at which point Zuko decided he <em>had </em>to intervene, or else his uncle’s poor apartment was going to become a bed for true hoarding. He drank too much tea while he was in Ba Sing Se as well, but he didn’t care. There was no tea in the world as great as his uncle’s and he wanted to savor it for as long as he could.</p><p>Sokka fell further in love with Zuko every single day. There were so many things to love about him; his smile, his eyes, the way he bit down on the corner of his lip when he was happy and the middle when he was anxious. How warm he was and how, even though the Fire Nation was far too hot for his taste and he slept in basically nothing while his boyfriend was always bundled up, Sokka couldn’t resist snuggling up to his side. Their passionate kisses and movements were amazing and wonderful but in all honesty, the things he loved the most about spending time with Zuko were the simplest ones. The sweetest ones that he didn’t think Zuko even realized he loved so much. There were a few Sokka knew he’d caught on to, of course, like the fact that he absolutely <em>adored </em>his boyfriend’s sleepy lisp (sometimes, when he was sad, Zuko would stay up with him while he hyperfixated on his work and just babble on about theater with that adorable affect), and the way he loved Zuko’s hair so much (he was pretty sure Zuko loved letting Sokka mess with it too, because he asked for braids almost every night), but there were other things he liked too. Other things he hadn’t told Zuko about yet and wasn’t sure he would; afraid it might ruin the beauty of the candid.</p><p>Whenever he was stressed, anxious, or just generally upset, Zuko would go out and sit by the turtle duck pond and play with the little critters. He giggled every time they nibbled at his toes and it was the cutest sound Sokka ever heard. When they kissed, the moment Sokka licked his boyfriend’s bottom lip in that way he liked so much, Zuko would start smiling and his grip would tighten wherever his hands were on Sokka’s body; and when they weren’t kissing, when he was really, truly happy, Zuko would lick his front teeth and bite his tongue a little before he chewed on his bottom lip with a little pink blush on his face. He always fell asleep first, being the absolute lightweight he was, and each time he did it at Sokka’s side, he would snuggle in a little closer. If he was on his boyfriend’s lap at their desk or in his igloo back at the tribe, Zuko’s arms would squeeze Sokka’s waist as he nuzzled into his shoulder, and if he was lying at his side in their bed, he’d slide right in and use Sokka’s chest as a pillow. Sokka could never resist planting a kiss to his forehead or temple when he did that and, truthfully, those little moments were the best of his life.</p><p>Zuko was the same way as his boyfriend, though he was far too awkward and socially inept to ever admit to it. His boyfriend was so smooth, and even when he said the stupidest things, generally trying to flatter him, Zuko wanted to kiss him to make him shut up because he could never think of a good comeback. All he could ever say was that Sokka was the prettiest person he’d ever met and that always got him the same response that Sokka might have been pretty, but Zuko was way too fucking cute. It was a little embarrassing at first, especially in front of others, yet Zuko never asked him to stop. He loved it too much and wanted the boy at his side forever because that innate goofiness of his was one of the things he loved the most. Of course, just like Sokka, the things Zuko loved most about his boyfriend were the little things. Yes, there were a few that were rather obvious, such as his shiny hair, silly smile, and unbelievable ability to kiss, but that wasn’t it. That wasn’t it at all and that wasn’t the reason Zuko fell in love with him, they were just special little bonuses that came with all the things he wouldn’t trade for the world.</p><p>Though he was embarrassed by it, and sometimes asked Zuko to call him out on it so he wouldn’t do it in big meetings, Sokka’s stimming was honestly one of the most mesmerizing things about him. At least, the way he bounced his leg or tapped his fingers; Zuko wasn’t too fond of how he chewed on his nails because he knew it hurt, and often clung to Sokka’s hands to help him to stop doing it. Those were only second to what was <em>easily </em>his most favorite quality, however, which was his absolute passion for his work. Whenever he went off on a rant, whether it be about plans, strategies, an experiment, or even just poetry or just a book he’d read in his free time, Zuko couldn’t look away. He was so pretty, so passionate, and the way he got so intensely into what he was talking about made Zuko fall in love more with every word. It was also really relaxing to listen to, and after a long day, when he’d come back to their room to find Sokka working at the desk, Zuko would sit on his lap and ask him about what he was doing. He was fairly certain Sokka knew he was asking for the help falling asleep as much as he truly wanted to know, but it didn’t matter. It was a regular thing for them, and he loved it. He loved it whether they were sitting in bed, or at the desk, or on the floor of Sokka’s ridiculous little igloo. He loved <em>him</em>.</p><p>After everything they went through over years of shitty childhoods, raging war, and too much pressure being put on them too fast, more than anything, Sokka and Zuko wanted a chance to relax. And when they were together, they got that. They took breaks just to kiss, they held hands under the table, and they took naps on each other whenever they got a little time between meetings. Their friends came to visit every few weeks, regardless of whether they were staying at the palace or the tribe at the time, and they all gathered once every couple months for different events. Toph still called them “oogie” sometimes and Azula made a lot of sarcastic comments because they kissed too much and giggled too much but it didn’t matter. Sokka was happy. Zuko was happy. Together, they made each other happier than they ever thought they ever thought they could be, and no one could ever take that away from them. Their rivalry got off to a rough start, their friendship got off to a rough start, and their relationship got off to a rough start, but somehow they made it to the best place they’d ever been in their lives and they never wanted to lose it. They never wanted to be apart again.</p><p>So, if Sokka spent a few minutes practicing his proposal each night before his forever boy got in, who was going to stop him?</p>
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